How Are You Sharing “Work Time” With Your Partner?
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For those of us sheltering in place without outside childcare like a nanny, au pair, or babysitter, this whole Coronaexperience has become an interesting lesson in how you and your partner “share” time, as well as communication issues, personality issues, different work styles, and more. So let’s discuss — how are you sharing “work time” with your partner? Have you found any good systems? Care to share any rants with us? (You’re in a safe space, ladies…)
{related: how to get help when you’re “the default parent”}
Here at Casa Griffin, my husband and I definitely have different work styles. My ideal work time is 11:00 a.m.–3:00 p.m. or so, with lots of midday afternoon time to get into the flow of writing or editing. I prefer to don my “Teacher Mom” hat in the mornings with my younger son, both because we’re still fresh and the space is generally quiet because my older son is diligently working.
But I’ve noticed that a lot of times if I show up at 3:00 to allow my husband to tap out, my husband then… doesn’t work, and instead will start washing the dishes or continue playing with the kids. By the time I realize he doesn’t plan on working, it’s too late for me to get back into the flow, so the afternoon is shot for both of us. Then in the evening he’s grumpy because he “didn’t get any time” and will often log many hours after the kids go to bed.
{related: how to share parenting duties with your spouse}
So I’ve been trying to communicate as well as possible — asking him what his work needs are for the day, does he have calls, etc., etc. And while we HAVE been communicating better about it, I’m also noticing that I should just… kind of… take the time that I find, and let him come tell me if he needs to tap out. This feels fantastically selfish to me, and inequitable, and so forth… but by the same token, the longevity of both of our incomes feels like it’s a bit in doubt (the side of the business that he works on the most has virtually ground to a halt with the state closures, and as for me, let’s just say it’s not a super great time to have a blog focusing on workwear!), so it feels like in order to support the family, I have to take the time.
{related: what to know about weaponized incompetence}
(I also spend an inordinate amount of time on some current issues regarding my youngest son, including IEP stuff, and all of that needs quality, awake braintime, not after-the-kids-go-to-bed, half-dead braintime. (I am forever in awe of those of you who can work after your kids go to bed!))
So. Yes. Going well here! No issues at all! Team Griffin!
{related: Fair Play’s marriage advice on conception, planning, and execution}
How are you guys doing sharing “work time” with your partner? Are you finding that communication is vital now, or do you have a set schedule that works for you? Are you logging anywhere close to eight hours a day, or are you closer to my current time of two to four? Are you able to work during your “preferred time” given your productivity, energy, and focus as a working mom, and in your preferred work space — or are we all just grabbing time wherever we can, huddling in closets taking Zoom calls for a quiet space we won’t be disturbed?
{related: here’s what happened when I tried to use virtual assistants to delegate family tasks}
Stock photo via Deposit Photos / SeventyFour.
{related: how to share emotional labor as parents}
I’ve been curious about how other couples are handling this “do everything from home” style of work and life. I’m hoping to see some great examples from other couples I can propose to my partner as the lock down has just reinforced our previous division of labor (i.e. I squeeze a full workday into 5 or 6 furious hours of work and spend the rest of the day taking care of the kids and most of the household chores.) While I’m still working my partner was laid off so is free all day but is not equipped to do the homeschooling but has been working through my honey-do list and is getting started on the bathroom reno I’ve been begging for. I’m exhausted but my house is going to be looking great when this is over.
We have a Google spreadsheet that shows when each of our meetings are happening. Then we each pick a few “focus times” and block those out on the spreadsheet. (Color-coded, of course. My meetings are a dark gold, and my focus times are in a lighter yellow, for example.) It’s working … OK? The real part that has to happen is daily conversations about who is on duty, and when. I had to make the structure happen because DH is more OK with freewheeling it, which was causing a lot of marital strife. But, thank goodness we aren’t in the billable hours world, because I can tell you that neither of us is putting in a full day’s work.
It’s still exhausting and I’m thoroughly over alllll of it. I’m looking forward to the day when I no longer have to care about my spouse’s meeting schedule and negotiate work time accordingly.
We trade full days- I get MW, he gets TTh, and we split Fridays. Thankfully naps are still a thing in it house so everyone gets email catch up time on their off days. When we both have unavoidable meetings it’s screentime for the kiddo, thanks PBS kids!
We’ve both explicitly cut back our hours at work with the support of our companies so the overall workload is much more sustainable than it might otherwise be
I’m so relieved to hear all of these stories. Every once in a while I think it’s working so well for us that we could do this forever, but most days it’s pure chaos. My husband refuses to use a Google calendar – I’ve tried. I actually think he’s not able to help with my son’s school assignments because he can only think of one thing at a time. Balancing multiple priorities is not his strong suit. I’m not trying to be inconsiderate. I’ve thought about this a lot. Once a week both my kids have complete breakdowns at the exact same time. Those are really hard days. I start to believe I really should quit my job, but then wonder how that would make the situation better. So, while I fail at homeschooling and limiting my kids’ screen time, I’ve been successful at: a) maintaining an exercise routine that keeps me physically in shape and temporarily makes me feel good; b) getting by at work with the minimal amount of contributions; and c) taking time on the weekends to simply do nothing. There’s nothing to do, no place to go, so no FOMO. I’ve actually been enjoying that aspect of this situation. It definitely helps to know that I’m not alone in all of this.
We are managing but definitely not working at the same capacity. Kids are almost 5 (pre-K and heading to K in the fall) and 17 months. We have managed to keep the baby on two naps a day but I don’t know if that’s the best approach. We get roughly 1.5 – 2 hour naps each time. Oldest will screen time as much as we let her. We basically rotate early mornings, with one of us starting work around 7-7:15 a.m. The other deals with kid’s – breakfast, morning play, whatever – until 9 – 9:30 when the baby is put down. Then we’re both working until she wakes around 11 – 11:30 a.m. She will hang in her crib for a bit too which helps. The 11:30 – 2:30 or so window is both of us then. We tag team lunch, playing outside after, etc. during that time. Baby naps around 2:30 – 4 p.m. again and we both work during that time. I tend to end my day closer to 4:30 – 5 p.m. while he might work until 6 – 6:30 p.m. We try and schedule calls during the baby’s nap times. And otherwise schedule around each other to make sure we don’t have overlapping calls when both kids are up. It’s a crapshoot though. It’s manageable but not 100% ideal, we just don’t have a better alternative.
We tried a bunch of things, including trading two-hour blocks, but ultimately I need to be able to focus really intensely to get my core work done, and that’s impossible when I can hear my kid, even happy squealing, and I think I’m worse than the average person at shifting in and out of work mode. Ultimately the only thing that worked was me working for ~6-7 hours uninterrupted after my toddler’s bedtime, DH getting up with her in the morning so I could sleep in after being up late doing work, and then me taking care of her in the afternoons so DH could work. It was workable in the sense that both DH and I were getting the bulk of our work done, but it left approximately zero minutes in the day for anything else and we were absolutely at the end of our ropes. Our state officially reopened May 1 and we were trying to power through the misery, expecting that we would be able to go back to daycare in June. And then yesterday, after months of radio silence, our daycare told us their earliest possible reopening date is August 10 (and quality childcare was extremely difficult to find in our community even before the current situation), and it absolutely broke me. We had a big fight, I cried, we talked a lot, I cried some more and ultimately I decided to go on leave. The two working parents and no childcare just wasn’t sustainable for me. I have a lot of anxiety about the future of my career, but at least now I have the silver lining of getting to spend a fun summer with my kid doing stuff outdoors, and when my kid is asleep I can relax instead of frantically trying to work.
A colleague of mine and his wife each went on 50% time (using some paid vacation at first, then paid furlough – they’re in the UK) so they could split childcare; they have a toddler who is in that highly mobile but not quite independent 1-3 age range. They figure out their meeting schedule and he usually does AM childcare while she does the PM care shift.
I’ll probably get flamed here, but I do 100% work and toddler care. My job is new; I started in January, so this isn’t ideal for me, but DH literally is terrible at multitasking and is counsel in BigLaw, with a new client to boot. Add to that a host of other things COVID-19 and non-COVID related we’re dealing with that trigger some major issues for him, and it’s just easier this way then him trying to balance and having multiple meltdowns. DH does take care of our rambunctious puppy, however which is a huge help to the household.
This means DS gets a LOT more screen time and alone play then ever. I try to pepper in a few “fun” activities that the school has been sending but depending on the day and my work/mental load, it happens or it doesn’t.
Our system has changed several times in the last few months, but currently we have a part-time sitter from 9-1. During that time, DH and I churn out work blissfully uninterrupted by our toddler. Our toddler goes down for a nap around 12:30/1, and she will generally stay in her crib until 3:30ish, so that buys us a few additional hours of uninterrupted work time. We alternate who is responsible for caring for her in the afternoon/evening if she doesn’t nap/after her nap. It’s still really hard, but we are making it work. The part-time sitter has been a HUGE help – not only does she keep our daughter entertained while she is here, but my daughter’s mood is also better because she had someone pay her 100% attention for hours. Before we hired the sitter, our daughter was acting out a lot more because we were always multi-tasking while watching her.
(posted accidentally on the morning post first – sorry of this is a repeat)
My husband has worked part-time for several years. He is in the medical field, so is now pulling 12 hour shifts, but at least it is only 3-4 days a week.
On his 3-4 days a week, I bill when I can and have conference calls when I can. I have 4 and 5 year olds that thankfully play really well together. There is only modest interruption, and I’ve prepared my clients and colleagues for that. If they have a problem with that, they can suck it! so, i average 2-4 hours of billed time during their play.
My kids were in school, but I have declared early summer for them. we participate in zero school activities. I simply do not care. We read to them every day and I believe imaginative play is best for them at this age anyway. ha! I love how I mask my laziness with free-range ideals!
As soon as husband gets home, he takes over. here lately (with the 12 hour shifts), he usually gets home right before they go to bed – he takes care of the bedtime routine while I start working. Then he puts together late dinner for us and we “catch up” for half an hour to an hour. Then I try to get a few more hours of work in. My goal is to bill 8 hours on those days, but it usually ends up being about 6. though, some days i just power through and get 10-11 (i.e., when working on document revisions).
On the days husband is off work, he does everything. He takes care of the kids 100% from 7.30am (when they get up) to 4.30pm. I work. I try to start by 6am and finish around 4.30pm and have some family time and eat dinner as a family and play until kids go to bed. On those days, I put the kids to bed (because I enjoy it) while husband cleans the kitchen. (Also, even on days he works, he cleans the kitchen. he is responsible for dishes and i am responsible for laundry. this works for us.) After the kids go to bed, I either work more or we chat — or I mindlessly scroll instagram!
other than dishes and laundry, neither of us really clean. we miss our cleaners! we have decided that’s just something that will fall by the wayside.
we are both exhausted, but we both feel this is the best division of labor we can come up with at this point. We are generally happy with how it is going.
also, I LOVE working from home (on days i have childcare from husband). it’s so nice to pop down for a few minutes here and there and talk to hubs or snuggle the kiddos.
We started sheltering in place in mid-March with no outside childcare. I’m a senior associate in BigLaw and my husband is c-suite at a start-up. We both have worked anywhere from 30 to 50 hours per week since then. We have a 10 mo old, 2.5 yo and 5.5 yo (5.5 yo is also doing distance kindergarten.) The worst weeks were the last two weeks where we both were working 45 hours.
Right away we both communicated the schedule shift to our jobs to our coworkers. Husband gets until noon/12:30 in the home office; I get from then until 6 pm in the office. When we’re in the office, we are available for meetings/calls. The rest of the time, coworkers should expect our availability and response times to be more like normal evenings because we’re on kid duty (aka, we’ll get to you when we can). With this schedule, we can both reliably get about 80% of a work day in. We catch up on evenings/weekends. Our coworkers were generally really respectful of the time divide at first, but as time has marched on, our work schedules and calls have bled into each other’s time slots. So we just check in each evening about the next day for when we have to trade off for client calls that bleed into each other’s office time.
The kids get a lot more screen time than pre-pandemic. (2.5 yo and 5.5 yo probably now get 4 hours per day, but most of it is learning shows and it is broken in to multiple chunks throughout the day.) We usually go outside and play in the yard and driveway from about 11 to 1 each day so the parent transition happens outside. The rest of the time the two oldest play well independently, either together or alone throughout the house – art, toys, active play in the basement, whatever. The 10 mo old we have to watch like a hawk. Husband brings them back in and gets them lunch. He also makes dinner, does all the dishes, and keeps the laundry cycle going. (I’ve been woefully behind on folding, so the kids get to go through the clean-laundry-pile-scavenger-hunt when they’re looking for a favorite item.) We’ve been doing 100% delivery for groceries and other essentials. For our sanity, we relaxed standards on: (1) apparel (2) snacks (3) screen time limits and (4) distance kindergarten. We do the minimum required for attendance each day + the reading homework, and anything above that is bonus. The school assigns about 10 tasks per day, but only 2 need to be completed for attendance. On average, we get to 4-5. It helps that school is flexible; the kindergartner only has 1 zoom call per week. I feel bad for my friends whose kids have to be on calls at specific times on top of their parents’ work meeting schedules.
I have a 2-year-old son, and I’m 33 weeks pregnant with #2. My husband and I both WFH full-time with no childcare help. We are both expected to be working from 7:30-4:30 and available after-hours, so we can’t split shifts like others can. I average about 2 evening work meetings per week (usually 7-9:30 p.m.); my husband does not have work requirements at night. Honestly, I’ve been a little amazed, and grateful, by how independent my 2-year-old has become. I track my time, and whenever I take a break, I turn my clock off. Since the quarantine began, I’ve worked between 40-53 hours per week. My hours have gradually been decreasing the longer this has dragged on (and the more pregnant I’ve gotten!). Last week was my 40-hour week. In general, a typical day looks like this:
7:15: I wake up and do the bare essentials to get myself ready. Husband usually get up about 10 minutes after me.
7:30: One of us wakes up the 2-year-old and does the potty routine with him (we’re just finishing up potty training!), while the other makes him breakfast.
7:40-8:10: We both work while son eats breakfast. He plays pretend with his food, so breakfast is a drawn-out affair.
8:10-8:30: I nurse our son, while doing a low-effort task, like email.
8:30-9: Son entertains himself.
9-9:10: Husband or I take short break to play with son or to set up a new activity for him. If I need a little caffeine, I sometimes take a break to run to the Starbucks drive-thru at this time and bring son along.
9:10-10: Son plays while we work.
10-10:15: Whoever didn’t do the last break will do potty break with son; then set up new activity for him (coloring, magnatiles, trains, books, etc.). The other parent usually makes an easy snack for son (grapes are a current favorite — son will take the grapevine and play pretend with it!)
10:15-11: Son plays while we work.
11-11:15: Short break to entertain son (at this point — often running in circles, or if we’re desperate, letting him watch a video) and set up new activity.
11:15-12: Son plays while we work.
12-12:30: Family lunch
12:30-12:50: Family neighborhood walk
12:50-1:10: One parent does the naptime routine — potty time, change into jammies, read books, nap. We typically first consider work schedules (work meeting at 1? off the hook for naptime!) and then we try to alternate who does this task.
1:10-3:30: Work while son naps.
3:30-3:45: Typically, whoever didn’t do naptime earlier will get son up, go potty, and help him adjust to being awake.
3:45-4: Chat with son, eat snack, play.
4-5: Son gets screentime while we work. (this sometimes goes until 5:30).
5-6:30: Finish work/make dinner/ play with son
6:30-7:15: Long family walk. (if I have a 7 p.m. meeting, I’ll either skip the walk or do a shortened version)
7:15-8:15: Family playtime.
8:15-9: Bedtime routine: Husband does bath because I cannot while I pregnant. We brush son’s teeth together. Then we alternate who dresses him, reads books with him, etc. before lights out at 9.
9-9:45: Clean up house. We usually only get to the kitchen, if that. Everything else saved for the weekend.
9:45-11: More work. Or, on some days, we skip work and watch a show or read a book instead.
My husband was already a SAHD. He handles 100% of the childcare during the day, including therapy appointments and exercises. He cooks dinner. I WFH in the morning, go to the office in the afternoon, and do dishes in the evening. I also try to give DH some time to sleep in or some alone time on the weekends. We all clean the house or work in the yard on weekends, in theory, but not in the past few weeks.
Our house is a disaster. Kiddo still gets more alone time and more screen time than I’d prefer. We’re all pretty bored.
Background: I am a patent attorney, DH is an engineering manager and focuses on product design, one kiddo who is 4.5, live in the Midwest in a more rural town (about 23,000 for DH’s job). For the most part, we’re trying to switch off mornings and afternoons. Kiddo (4.5) still has a nap/quiet time from about 1:15-2:30 when we both work. We also work early mornings (mostly me) and nights after bedtime (DH much later than me). We’ve tried switching off in smaller blocks to accommodate more calls, but it just leads to crappy, unfocused work for me. I have a hard time multi-tasking while I work, as much of my work is patent analysis that requires my full brain capacity. So I’m pretty much either working or not. DH can multitask with work easier – he has a lot of calls where he listens but minimally participates. Nonetheless, we still try to split time equally, as he needs focused time, too. I do most of the cooking, and DH does a lot more cleaning than me. Laundry is pretty evenly split. Kiddo duties are pretty evenly split except DH gives me an hour to work out most days, although he mostly works out after bedtime and on weekends. So he is giving more there. Our daycare has been open this whole time, but we’ve kept kiddo home. She is going back the week of June 8.