How has your productivity, energy and focus shifted during “work” hours now that you’re a working mom? Have you felt that before kids you could have an unproductive day because you could just stay late at work or make it up on the weekend, whereas now that you’re a working mom those are last resorts?
On the flip side, how do you manage your energy at work so you have “something left” for your kids at the end of a draining day at work — whether it be an extra reserve of patience, a burst of energy to quiz them on spelling words, or even run around and do something mildly physical, like push a swing?
Readers had a great conversation about this the other day — specifically, having “nothing left” at the end of the day for your kids after a draining day at work — so we thought it would be good to talk about it today.
For my $.02, I’ve written about how the dinner/bedtime funnel often interferes with my naturally productive time (4-10 or so), so I’ve had to change my focus and energy a lot as a mom — and honestly it’s still something I’m working on. Getting up early is a great way to maximize your productivity if your kids are sleeping well enough that a) they aren’t disturbing your sleep and b) they will be asleep soundly enough to sleep through whatever noise you have to make to get out of the house — and neither a nor b is true of my kiddos!
My youngest hasn’t napped for almost two years now but I somehow am still trying to find the extra 2-5 hours I had those two weekend days when he napped, and now that my boys are 5 and 8 I’m trying more and more to have energy/patience/wit/charm left over for those evening hours. (Especially patience, though.) So… yeah.
{related: how to work after your kids go to bed}
These are some of the ways working moms can manage their productivity, focus and energy during the work day:
- Holding meetings at a certain time because your energy is best then — for example, setting a 9:00 a.m. meeting knowing that you’ll probably otherwise get there late, catch up on office gossip, and surf the web for 30 minutes or more (or on the flip side, preferring meetings to hit during your afternoon slump).
- Putting like tasks together — this is OG advice from Getting Things Done (affiliate link). For example, keep a separate list of which phone calls to make, and then sit down to do them all at once. If you have errands to run, try to think of other errands you can do in the area so that you don’t have to go back twice.
- Working in intervals. Some people find that their energy is best managed this way; the Pomodoro technique is famous for setting 25-minute work periods with 5-minute breaks, but you may find that anywhere from 20–55 minutes works best for you to be more productive.
- Time-shifting low energy tasks to moments when you know you’ll be tired, or when you can pair them with another half-attention-required task (like, er, watching a CLE).
What do you do as a working mom to manage your productivity, energy and focus? What have you tried, and what has stuck? For those of you who work very long hours, I’d love to hear from you — as well as people who had to maybe shift from an office culture of very long hours to one with tighter hours.
Stock photo: Deposit Photos / CLIPAREA.
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Anon First Time Mom says
Tips on staying married during the first year of first time parenting? Especially tips on helping a first time stay at home dad succeed in his role?
My husband stays at home with our six month old and I work about 60 hours a week. I’m trying to be a good mom and be helpful around the house but he keeps letting things slide and foisting the baby off on me because he “has to” work on home improvement projects (he obsesses over the projects and spends way more time and money than he needs to on them, gets stressed out, and complains about feeling overwhelmed).
He’s not dealing well with the stress and has taken to snapping at me, criticizing me and my contributions to the household, and on a few occasions has berated me in public. His father is an emotionally abusive yeller and I have had my eye out for this behavior throughout our marriage but this is the first time I’ve seen it. We are in therapy and are working on this.
I get the sense that on some level he thinks he’s doing my job because he’s taking care of the baby. He keeps talking about getting a part time job, but nothing that he could get would even pay for day care and we already agreed as a family that we wanted to have a parent home with the baby instead of doing daycare. Me quitting, cutting back to 40 hours a week, or going part time are not options for us, financially.
Thank you for anyone who’s read my rant and for anyone who has advice on how I can better support my partner in his new role.
anon says
My take is that if the current situation isn’t working, then you should be open to reevaluating. It’s great that you agreed that one parent should stay home, but sometimes neither parent is a good fit for that role. It sounds like this arrangement isn’t working for your husband and, as a result, it isn’t really working for you. You may not be at a point where you are ready to give up on this agreement, as this may just be transitional issues, but don’t hold out for the sake of having already agreed.
I also question how much he can possibly be foisting the baby off on you if you’re working 60 hours a week. That’s a lot of time for anyone to be solo with a baby. I’m sure he’s desperate for some space by the time you get home. Home improvement may be a cover for his need for space, as well as for him to feel like he’s doing something productive. It’s easy to feel unproductive when most of your daytime hours are spent just keeping a baby alive.
OP says
Thank you these are great points. Thank you for reminding me that situations evolve and we have to be flexible.
I forgot to mention in my first post that we have grandparents that take the baby two days a week, including one night, and I’m working from home as much as possible. When I work from home he jets off to do his thing.
I definitely agree that the home improvement is a coping mechanism.
Boston Legal Eagle says
When you work from home, he leaves the baby with you? That’s not sustainable and a major issue for your work. It sounds like this SAHD situation is overwhelming to him (I would be overwhelmed too! Childcare all day and possibly night is really tough) and you should discuss alternatives. Even if his part-time job is less than daycare, you should think of it as a joint expense for the benefit of both parents – we tell that to moms on here all the time – it’s about more than just the dollar amount if it gives him more happiness and purpose to do something outside of the house.
I’m glad that you’re in therapy for the snapping and criticizing. Have you told him how it makes you feel when he treats you like that? I’m sure he’s tired, anxious and probably feels a little out of place with his role, but you are a team and you should work on solutions together.
But also, that first year with a new baby is really hard on any marriage.
OP says
Thank you for commenting! I have talk to him about how I feel when he snaps and criticizes and he’s doing a lot better, but the behavior has not completely disappeared.
I appreciate you and the other commenters who made the point that daycare can be seen as an investment in a parent’s mental health and happiness and considered a joint expense for the household. I wasn’t looking at it that way and that’s something that I need to consider.
anon says
One thing I didn’t realize before I had kids is just how much things can change in a very short time. Staying home with a 6 month old is entirely unlike staying home with a 1 year old, or a 2 year old, or a 5 year hold. You can reevaluate at any time. Your husband may just be more of a stay-home-with-a-preschooler Dad than a baby-tending Dad. Or maybe he does need work as an outlet. You’ll figure it out.
Be gentle with each other, and with yourself. Have a new baby is hard. It’s an adjustment for everyone and there will be bumps. Those aren’t character flaws, they’re just over tired and stressed new parents trying to figure it out.
OP says
Thank you so much for your comment, especially your last paragraph. This is really helpful
Anonymous says
Stop working from home. You cannot both be working and taking care of a baby.
OP says
This is a very good point, thank you
Anon says
first of all it is great you guys are in therapy and are working on this. the way that he is speaking to you is obviously not ok and not the type of environment you want your kid growing up in. it sounds to me like DH is trying to figure out his new life as a SAHD and perhaps it is not going as he thought it might. also, post partum depression/anxiety is also a thing for new dads, though often not talked about at all – could he be experiencing that? i know you said that you decided as a family you wanted to have a parent home with a baby, but sometimes we need to reassess decisions we made pre-baby once we see how things actually play out. do you think he might be happier working full-time? what sort of things are sliding/when is he foisting the baby on you?
OP says
I think part of the problem might be our different approaches to housework. I like to do things a little bit at a time so nothing piles up. He likes to wait until he has a full load of laundry or most of the sink full of dishes, but then he feels overwhelmed because he doesn’t have time to complete the full task because the baby needs him
Anon says
This is something I struggle with. There are many things about childcare and baby care that I would do differently than my husband. Unless it’s a safety or other BIG issue (feeding, discipline, etc.), I constantly remind myself to shut my mouth if the answer is no to “While I would do it differently, is it (objectively) wrong to do it the way that SAHD does it?” At least in my household as well with little kids (apart from having a SAHD), the laundry is not always done (although everyone always has *something* to wear that is seasonally appropriate) and sometimes the sink gets full overnight (and we handle it the next day). For me, having little kids and a big job is hard, and for us surviving this season of life has meant letting our standards on some of the other stuff slip (e.g., pre baby, dishes never sat in the sink overnight).
If the issue is his being overwhelmed, I would remind him first and foremost that it’s never too early to start encouraging independent play in a baby-proof location (like a PNP in the kitchen with some kid-friendly music on and a couple of toys). Then I find that structure helps when I am overwhelmed. For example, he could add to the routine that he takes 20 minutes to chip away at those things that are in his court while you’re home playing with kiddo, either in the morning or at night, or pick a dedicated day or time for the tasks (during first nap of the day, I will do X; during second nap of the day I will do Y; establish Wednesday is laundry day, and he and infant play in a room near the laundry and hang out together nearby (and he can fold during naps, or plop baby in the middle of the bed and fold around baby while talking to baby)).
Anon says
To clarify – I’m the Anon with a SAHD below, not the Anon above.
OP says
Thank you for these specific concrete suggestions! Actionable tips like this are super helpful and I appreciate you taking the time to share them.
Anonymous says
If you are working 60 hours a week that’s a lot of time for him to be solo parenting. If daycare isn’t an option financially could he a least get a sitter a few afternoons a week so he could exercise, grocery shop, pursue a hobby or just enjoy some time away from baby?
If he wants to get a part time job I think it’s worth re-examining if there’s a way to make that work with a part-time sitter, nanny share etc.
OP says
Nanny share isn’t something I’ve considered. Thank you for that point!
Anonymous says
It’s not working for him to stay home. It doesn’t matter what you agreed in the past before you had a baby, that was all in the abstract and the reality of parenting is so different than some idealized version of it. It’s time for daycare, even if his salary won’t be covering it. We’ve talked endlessly on here about how women who don’t earn more than the cost of childcare (full disclosure: I am one of them) can still justify working because of all the mental health benefits, the financial independence and the potential future earnings. The same applies to a man who wants to work but whose salary won’t cover daycare.
OP says
Thank you for taking the time to comment! I hadn’t thought of it that way before
Anon says
I would reevaluate the idea that he “shouldn’t” work because his salary wouldn’t cover the cost of daycare. There are a lot of times wherein people – usually women – work for their mental health, intellectual stimulation, and desire to build up a resume that will eventually pay more than daycare costs.
It sounds like being a SAHD is not a good fit for him, hence the home improvement projects and leaving the baby as much as possible. So look into the logistics of having him work.
OP says
Thank you for that perspective. I think I am being rigid about sticking to our original plan and that some discussion on this would do us good
Anon says
Couple of thoughts as someone who also works 60+ hours a week with a SAHD husband. 1) Agree with the above posters that maybe the situation is not working out and it’s worth reevaluating. That said, there are a lot of growing pains with a new baby and with the “role reversal” that comes with a SAHD and the lack of structure being with an infant all day takes after being in a structured work environment, so it’s up to you guys to decide what is not working and what is growing pains 2) consciously or not, despite it being DH’s suggestion to stay home, I think it took a while for him to get over whatever base instinct told him he wasn’t “providing” for the family by staying home (and all of the ridiculous commentary from his family, strangers, etc.). We had a lot of conversations emphasizing how what he does is valuable, how I couldn’t do my job effectively (late nights, random last minute travel, surprise working weekends) without his support, and a lot of thanking him for doing the stuff that I would say is his job (we’re of two different minds on this – he likes to be thanked for everything, I don’t think there needs to be thanking for doing the things that are your responsibility – I try to do more gratuitous thanking because he appreciates it and not be so befuddled when he thanks me for doing things that I have responsibility for). 3) Be gracious and both of you remember that he’s working the same number of hours you are, and he doesn’t get breaks to use the bathroom in peace, talk to adults, etc. To that end, if you decide that this is a situation that does work for you, I encourage him to build in some “me” time during his “on” days – even with the grandparent help he’s probably still doing 40 hours a week of childcare – e.g., a part-time sitter, once kiddo gets older we started part-time preschool at 2 which has been a game changer, a gym that has childcare included. etc. 4) I wonder if structure might help some of the home improvement projects. DH thought he would have so much time to do all the things. Ask me about the replacement mailbox that has been sitting in our garage for 2+ years because our current one has the tiniest amount of rust on it. I’m wondering if the “coping” is for the lack of structure to the extent that something like morning walk, lunch, baby swim class, etc. – he wants to feel like he has a purpose and a lack of schedule makes him feel rudderless? Maybe he’s already pretty scheduled, but my DH was not.
OP says
Thank you for your comment! It’s helpful to hear from someone who’s making it work.
Anonymous says
Do whatever you can to support him getting a job to reduce any potential alimony for when you divorce him because he’s abusive now and will only get worse.
OP says
I do hope you’re wrong, but that is a good worst case scenario point
IHeartBacon says
Honestly, I don’t necessarily agree about the use of the word “abusive.” Although the word seems like it fits, I don’t think it accurately describes what is happening.
I was your husband when I was home on maternity leave. Believe me when I tell you that I had a blind, murderous rage toward my husband because I was doing EVERYTHING baby and housework related while my husband (I felt) was running away to work 55+ hour work weeks. At first it was just anger and resentment for him, but it started to turn into actual contempt. Looking back, I am not proud of how I spoke to him and the things I said. Those early months were a very dark time for us. I asked folks for advice and folks gave a lot of good advice, including recommending that I read Drop the Ball and How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids. Those books really helped. You might want to check them out, but view them from the perspective that you are the “husband” in those books. They might give you some insight into your husband’s perspective.
As for some concrete suggestions:
1. Talk to your husband about giving you 20-30 minutes when you get home to decompress before you step into baby duties. When I was on leave and with baby all day, I started clock-watching hard by 5pm, counting down the seconds until my husband walked through the door. The second he did, I handed him the baby and disappeared. It made for very tense evenings. I eventually realized that he needed a few minutes to unwind when he got home. I talked to him and said that when he got home from work he could have 30 uninterrupted minutes to do whatever he wanted and then I needed him to take the baby. He would walk in, change out of his work clothes, grab a snack and sit on the couch and watch tv or surf the internet and then after 30 minutes—without fail— he would emerge and take the baby and was ready to engage with the baby and I could do my own thing (rest, watch tv, run an errand, go to bed early, etc). This one little thing made such a dramatic difference for us. It might help you from feeling like he’s “foisting” the baby on you the minute you walk in the door.
2. I can’t tell if this applies to you, but when I was on leave, because my husband was always working and I was doing all the baby care, I started to get the sense that my husband wasn’t really getting enough baby-bonding time with the baby. I put him in charge of giving the baby his nightly baths because I thought it would encourage more skin to skin contact. I believe it made a difference because I noticed that he started to engage more in the baby’s care. Again, I can’t tell if this applies to you, but your choice of the phrase, “foisting the baby off on me,” makes me wonder if picking up a baby-bonding caretaking task like giving baby baths might benefit you in the way it benefited my husband. Part of my struggle with my husband at the time and why I started to build contempt is that I felt like he just didn’t care enough about the baby and therefore didn’t do enough. Seeing the shift in him helped me minimize those feelings.
3. Don’t underestimate the mental health benefits of being gainfully employed. I don’t know what kind of work your husband does, but it he can find part time work for the days the grandparents have the baby, I would recommend that he does.
4. Plan a date for a Saturday so that you can both get dressed up and go out. Buy tickets to a show (live show, movie, it doesn’t matter) and put the tickets in a conspicuous place so you build up a little excitement as the day gets close. Get dressed up, go out, and have a good time. Invite some friends to make it even better.
Best wishes, OP! Keep us posted.
OP says
Thank you for the book recommendations! I will check them out. My situation sounds a lot like what you describe, but with the genders reversed. The “hand the baby to the spouse who just walked in and disappear” maneuver is whatI mean by “foisting the baby off on me.” I like your suggestion for having an agreed upon chunk of decompression time before the hand off.
I do the nighttime routine so I’m getting baby-bonding time and my husband gets time to relax by himself.
I think we do need to look at some part time employment options for him, and if that’s not enough then we can reevaluate our child care strategy. Maybe building more structure into our overall family routine would make him feel less blasted by the end of the day so he could enjoy his relaxing time more.
And yes date nights are critical. We definitely need to work more of those into theschedule for both our sakes.
Thanks so much for taking the time to share good advice with me. I have some concrete actionable things to pursue, I got some good reminders about the need for empathy, and I feel much less hopelessly frustrated about this situation.
IHeartBacon says
You are very welcome. I was thinking a lot about you after I posted last night and all morning and I also want to add that I think the fact that you are even asking these questions and trying to come up with solutions is a great sign for you and your family. Your little family of 3 might be struggling right now, but as long as you guys work on it together there is hope. If it makes you feel any better/hopeful, my blinding, murderous rage and contempt toward my husband has now evolved (2 years later) into a very deep and profound sense of joy and pride about my little family of 3. It was a lot of hard work and a lot of asking folks here for advice and implementing that advice, but we grew out of that dark stage in our life.
Anonanonanon says
My battery feels constantly drained lately (speaking to the photo for this post). I do have an auto-immune disease and suspect I have a flare coming on, which usually causes it, but I think this season of life is just tough. I do pour a lot of energy into work, and my kids have fairly early bedtimes, which helps a lot. I try to cram chores as early in the evening as possible- once I sit down I’m DONE. For example, I clean the bathroom while the toddler takes a bath (keeping an eye on her, of course). I clean the kitchen (which is open to the dining room) while my kids eat their dinner and I chat with the older one about his day. I might fold laundry at the table while talking the older kid through homework. Or vacuum once I get him set up with his assignment and he’s working.
For me, it’s all about doing as much as I can before I sit down.
Also, leaving rest time in the weekend!
Anonanonanon says
Also, having a job that lets me telework is a game-changer. I can work for an hour and a half, and turn on one of the 5 minute news upate NPR podcasts they post a few times a day while I do a quick chore (wipe down a bathroom counter and toilet, for example), and do that every 2 hours or so. It makes my evening less overwhelming, and I still got more work done than I would commuting 45 minutes each way!
OP says
Thank you for your comment! It’s helpful to hear from someone who’s making it work.