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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Vehicle Recommendations says
Hello!
I am pregnant with my third and in the market for a bigger car. I want to purchase something with a third row seat, so we have a little wiggle room as the kiddos grow for long weekend trips. Anyone have something they love? What features are the game changers with larger families?
Thanks in advance for your input!
Anonymous says
Honestly? Minivan. Sliding doors just make everything so much easier. We have a Dodge Caravan because I’m in the ‘resent driving a minivan so want to spend as little as possible on it’ camp whereas my sister has a Honda Odessey because she’s in the ‘if I have to have a minivan, I want it to be nice’ camp. We have two in the back, one in the middle and the other captain’s chair stowed so I can put all three kids and bags into the car, close the sliding door and then buckle them in one at a time. This is particularly useful in winter when the snow is blowing. Dual sliding doors are also great for cooling down a hot car quickly.
It’s just a phase, we’ll switch to something else once the kids are big enough to reliably open doors in parking lots without dinging other cars and I’m finished wrangling kids into rear facing seats.
anon says
I only have two kids, but I embraced the Honda Odyssey lifestyle (hahahaha) when my youngest was born. Two words: Sliding doors. We have a smaller car, but I still prefer driving the Odyssey when I have both kids with me because it’s easier to get in and out. I’m not going to lie; I don’t love being the mom in a minivan, but at least the Odyssey is the nicest vehicle I’ve ever owned? It’s a stage and I will happily move on to something else in a few years.
Several of my friends with 3 kids have the SUVs with third row, and honestly, it seems like a giant PITA to get everyone buckled in and maneuvered around. I suppose it would be a different story if everyone is self-sufficient and can buckle themselves in.
Callie says
I’m also pregnant with my third and we just traded in our Subaru for the Honda Odyssey this past weekend.
Had similar anti minivan feelings but felt like with three car seats (2 of which are still rear facing) I needed it to be as easy as possible for me to get kids loaded in and out.
Spirograph says
+1 for minivan, I love my Honda Odyssey, which we bought right before #3 was born. We have 2 car seats in the middle and a no-back booster in the back row (and keep an extra no-back booster in the trunk for carpool friend). Sliding doors are the best for buckling car seats, and being able to push a button on the fob or from the driver’s seat and open the side doors is my surprise favorite feature of a car, ever. It also has plenty of trunk space if we’re going on a trip. The “magic” folding down third row is as easy as the marketing says it is, and give tons of room if needed. We keep the middle seat out of the middle row most of the time and have never tried putting all 3 kids in the same row, but it’s possible in theory. With the middle bench seat out, it’s very easy for even an adult to walk through to the back row without adjusting any seats.
Am I thrilled about driving a minivan? no. But it is the absolute best car for my life right now. We also have a 3-row SUV that my husband drives; it fits everyone, but not nearly as convenient as the minivan.
Walnut says
The new model Chevy Traverse was the right cross section of price and space for us. We also have a giant breed dog and need room for road trips and weekend Costco runs.
Strategy Mom says
were looking at this and the buick enclave (very similar).
Anonymous says
My in-laws have an Enclave. I really like it. I can’t speak to it from a “hauling 3 kids around” perspective but can tell you that I enjoy riding in it.
Anonymous says
Ugh. The answer is minivan.
I have 3 kids and an acura MDX with a 3rd row. The kids are 1(RF car seat),3(FF booster with chest harness) and 6(high back booster with seatbelt). In order for my 6 y/o to buckle himself, his seat has to be in the middle and we had to get a de atbelt extender so he could reach in between the car seat to buckle.
We can use the 3rd row for one extra kid and they have to climb in through the trunk. The AC isn’t great back there so not really a feasible choice for a long summer trip.
The kids poke each other and fight all the time.
We rented a minivan on vacation and it was so so much better.
Anonymous says
However, we are keeping our MDX. We have family friends with 3 and 4 kids and those that don’t drive minivans drive some flavor of Suburban (GMC Denali XL, Chevy suburban, or ford excursion)
OP says
Thank you so much for all your candid responses. I got a great laugh this morning out of these answers :) I have been looking at the odyssey, but fighting it internally. It is great to hear that I am not alone!
Artemis says
Just a quick counterpoint–I totally get why minivans are awesome, but everyone is also talking about the “minivan phase” and I’m not sure how long that lasts for most people. We have 3 kids and 2 Toyota Highlanders. I love the Highlander and have never wished for a minivan, even given the door issue. We’ve had at least one Highlander since my oldest was born (he’s 9) and I think they work for us because 1) our kids are 2.5 years apart so we never had two at a time in particularly challenging bucket seats or bad-angle rear-facing seats and 2) we drive cars into the ground, so any car we have is going to be around for 10-20 years, and I didn’t want or need a minivan that long. If you have closer spaced kids or get new cars more frequently, I can see how the minivan is the answer.
Anonymous says
I’m the oldest of three kids (all of us within 4 years in age) and the minivan phase lasted until I was 16, and my mom got a sedan and gave me the minivan to drive. I plan on driving mine until it gets too expensive to repair or my 6 year old is old enough to drive it, whichever comes first. It’s a long phase.
anon says
my mom’s minivan phase rolled right into her grandkid phase!
AnotherAnon says
I have one kid, so I drive a CRV, but all my friends, even the ones who have one kid, drive an Odyssey. Our friends in CA bought a Highlander for their second kid (9 years apart) and we all seven rode around in it comfortably during a week long visit. Two bucket car seats, four adults and a 9 year old fit in it just fine. Just some anecdata for you.
Anon says
My husband loves, loves, loves his Infiniti QX80. I’ve sat in the back and while it’s tight, I’m freakishly tall, so I think for an average sized adult it would be fine. It handles very nicely and still has some decent pickup considering its size. When I upgrade my car in the next year or two, I am strongly considering the QX60 – the model I sat in has decent leg room in the third row and it is more “my size” while still offering the flexibility of three rows. We tend to drive cars for the 10 year range, and my husband is a car guy who would rather walk than drive a minivan, but I managed to get him out of the sports car and into the SUV and he’s pretty happy with it. The Nissan Armada is the non-premium version of the QX80.
Atlas! says
I posted a similar question a while back. We got lots of minivan responses. We even went and test drove an Odyssey. But we just didn’t love it and didn’t feel like we NEEDED it.
Got a VW Atlas and it’s been great. Bench seat across the middle (really easy to pull one seat forward for kids to climb into the back). Great cargo space. Reasonable price. I’m a fan.
Anonymous says
MINIVAN!! You push a button and the doors slide open! It’s magic and awesome.
3 kids and we can also bring my parents along, or kids’ buddies, AND gear for the skate park or travel or the giant stroller or whatever. Ours are 10, 8, and 3 (still RF) and the big kids love having the TVs in the back.
We tried the Volvo XC90 first (and it’s gorgeous car. I love it). But hands down the minivan is better for our lives.
I want to plug (heh heh) the plug-in hybrid Chrysler Pacifica specifically. It’s not the fanciest minivan – I guess the Honda is better? But it’s nice enough for me and we get 35 miles on pure electric, which is basically most days. Then it switches to hybrid that gets really good mileage. So I feel like I’m off-setting the environmental costs of having 3 kids. (Kidding not kidding).
Workmom says
How do you deal with having “nothing left” at the end of the day for your kids after a draining day at work? I’ll admit, some nights I let them sit with their Kindle Fires for the entire evening, even during dinner, and then I can sit and read or just relax rather than constantly brokering fights or fielding requests for additional snacks/attention.
But how important is it to be “engaged” with your kids in the evenings? I remember watching a ton of TV as a kid, and do not ever remember my mom playing or coloring with me. Sometimes I tell myself, I’m an adult, they’re children, our activities in life are different.
The guilt comes in when I think, maybe if I didn’t work and just stayed home, I could do my relaxing while they are at school and then be fully engaged with them once they come home. But then as a counterpoint I think, I’m sure SAHMs aren’t some perpetual Mary Poppins, creating fun games and teaching valuable life skills in every moment of interaction. If I were to stay home, I’d be giving up a huge salary and satisfying career, for something that may not even materialize, or even if it did, my kids (and me) might not be significantly better off. Obviously, ladies on this board generally choose to work — what are your thoughts on the same question, specifically of whether you feel guilty about working because it drains all your energy/focus?
anon says
I think there are two separate, but related questions here: 1) is it OK for your kids to relax in front of screens some evenings? and 2) how do you cope with the guilt of not engaging with your kids in the evenings?
Personally, I think the answer to #1 is that it’s just fine. BUT I also know myself well enough to know that I feel terribly guilty during and after, with the result that it’s not actually relaxing for me to give my kids screens, and in some ways makes me feel more stressed out. :/ Your post makes me think you may feel similarly. So when I’m tempted to bust out the screens at the end of the day, I remind myself that I feel most content when I have engaged my kids. That’s usually enough to help me power through, and then I can zone out on screens alone after they’re asleep, guilt-free.
Hopefully other posters have found a better balance, but this is what works for me.
Pogo says
+1 I agree with everything said here. My addition is that I try not to make screens the default. My son will ask for it (he has one DVD he is allowed to watch, we don’t do tablets in the house which helps I suppose) and I take that moment to think: Am I so tapped out/stressed about getting dinner on the table that I need this, or can I re-direct him to something else? I don’t have a hard and fast rule, I make it a judgment call. I have a go-to set of activities that are low-interaction from me that I can direct him to, and that helps. If the answer is, we both need the screen time, then screen time it is.
Secondly, I try to aim for an evening “activity” a few days a week – usually stopping at the park on the way home, or a stroller jog/walk. Those activities require less mental input from me, and they’re more enriching for him than me saying “mommy is busy right now” 1000 times a minute. This is of course a balance with meal prep and schedules – either husband has to be home cooking or we’re doing leftovers. Or, like last night – we got home from playground at 5:45, husband had yard work to do, and LO was all sweaty and exhausted from playing. So when he asked for his video, I put it on, he happily drank his water bottle and relaxed while I pulled together a quick dinner that DH had started prepping before I got home. I knew he was headed for a meltdown and it would take longer for me to deal w/ dinner if he was constantly grabbing my legs and asking for a snack.
Finally, we do an early bedtime and I take a solid 30min to decompress after (usually catching up on personal email/social media from the day). I know this isn’t an option for everyone (I’m lucky that my kid is lark-ish), but it’s crucial to my sanity on weeknights. Lights out is 7:30-7:45 every night.
Anonymous says
Can you shift from kindle fires to havingbook dinners? With actual books?
Workmom says
This is a good suggestion. The downside to that is that they’re too young to read yet, so while they can look at pictures, they would prefer I read to them, and that defeats the purpose of me being able to veg out too.
Anonymous says
My son can now read but loooooves audiobooks
Cb says
I think you need veg time. Can you all pile onto the couch for 30 minutes of snuggles and books when you get home? Can you squeeze a bit of zone out time into your day. I was listening to something earlier about a woman who takes 2 hours of PTO – first thing in the am, gym, sauna, long shower, and time in a coffee shop reading a book.
Anon says
One thing that helps me engage at the end of the day is to tell myself, OK, I will engage for just 15 minutes–really sit down with them at their toddler table and work on a puzzle, building, etc. At the end of that 15 minutes, I often find that having my full attention for that initial period means they are content to play independently and I can zone out on my phone nearby. Or I realize, hey that wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be! and I’m able to power through a bit longer.
Workmom says
This is really good advice, and I’ve found the same thing. And it’s like going to the gym, once you’re in the middle of it, it’s not that bad. It’s getting over the hump of actually starting that’s hard. Thanks for your thoughts.
Anon says
I do this. And then I hand over the screens. But my daughter is super active, so we do a fair amount of screen time because none of the adults have the patience and stamina to engage with her all day and all night long. If I could bottle that energy I’d be a billionaire.
Anonymous says
For me, the anxiety/drain comes from figuring out what to do with the kids and then coordinating. I think if you took a little time to come up with 5-6 things you and the kids can do together that’s fairly simple (read a book, go for a walk, color, tea party, build Magnatiles or Legos, etc.) and have it ready to go at the end of the weekend to rotate through, it could be really helpful. Kids can choose or you could have a schedule. Not having to put thought into what to do at the end of a workday makes a really big difference for me.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think I read in Bringing Up Bebe that the french (totally generalizing of course) have adult conversations or read while the kids do their own thing in the same room or in a different room. Whereas here, there is definitely a sense that we need to engage with our kids at all times. I definitely feel like this too, like I’m supposed to entertain them at night, but I find it fun for about 5 minutes and then I want to do my own thing. And I feel guilty if I’m looking at my phone while I’m actively limiting their screen time.
I try to remind myself that we do lots of fun things on the weekends and that they’re engaged all day at daycare, so it’s normal to want to veg out a little at night. It just seems skewed to me when the only time I see them at night is when they’re vegging out… I’m also hoping that once my younger son is a little older, the two of them can play together better. Of course, I’ll probably have to referee fights, but at least the playtime will be covered.
CPA Lady says
Oddly I find it easier to engage with my kid outside the house. This might not work for you based on your schedule, location, or the ages of your kids, but I find that getting out of the house with my kid in the evening a couple days of the week makes it easier to actually pay attention to her– whether that’s going on a Target run or taking a post-dinner walk around the block or going to the playground. When we’re at home in the evening all anyone wants to do is watch TV. And I’m okay with that some of the time, but not all of the time.
Workmom says
That’s a really good point, I feel the same way when we go do evening activities. It seems like it would take more energy, but I agree with you, it actually takes less energy and causes less frustration because we’re all doing a particular activity rather than just bouncing around the house bored.
CPA Lady says
And it’s not like you have to do it every night– if you just did it a couple nights per week, plus the time you spend together on the weekends? You could totally go for it with screens the other nights with way less guilt… or at least that’s how it is for me. :)
CPA Lady says
Also, young kids are exhausting and working full time is exhausting. There is nothing wrong with you for needing a break. Is there anything you could do on your commute home to sort of unwind? My husband does pickup duty, so I take the drive home as time to listen to podcasts, which I really enjoy.
AwayEmily says
+1 to this. Especially when I’m parenting on my own I often will pick the kids up from daycare and then go straight to Somewhere That is Not Home — the library or grocery store when it’s winter, a park when it is nice out. If possible I bring a “snack dinner” to eat while we’re there (or at least enough to tide them over til we get home). By the time we get home there’s often only a half hour or so before bedtime. It makes things much easier even though, as you say, it SEEMS like more work than just going straight home.
anon says
how old are your kids? are you doing dinner time solo? you mentioned that they cannot read yet – could you all listen to an audio book together at dinner? do you think that would be engaging enough for them but also allowing you to zone out? i also subscribe to the concept from Bringing Up Bebe where you can do something in the same room as them, and as much as I often want that to be vegging out on my phone, i try to do a screen-less activity myself. so i might read a hard copy of a book or fold laundry or write out a birthday card, etc.
Workmom says
This is a really good suggestion — I think not being on a screen myself would help feel less guilty because I would feel less like I was rotting my own brain at the same time I’m letting them rot theirs. I imagine they would be fine if I sat up in their playroom reading a book while they played — except for the constant interruptions to “Mommy, watch this!”
Irish Midori says
Mine are a bit older, but I just got a sound bar and audible, and they will sit for long periods listening to Harry Potter books while a make dinner. No, it’s not interacting with my kids, but it’s not screen time, so, compromise?
Anonymous says
I often fold laundry while my kids play. Lots of times they are happy to have me close by and don’t actually need much interaction.
anon says
I struggle with this too, but my kids are still in daycare and they are getting lots of screen free stimulation and playtime there during the day. When we’re cooped up at home on the weekend (rather than out and about) the screens come out way more than I’d like to admit so I suspect if I stayed home the result would be the same. And sometimes I think my kids needs the break too. They’ll watch something for 20 minutes and then if I suggest going to playing or color in another room they’re more interested in it than if I suggest that right after dinner.
Workmom says
100% this is what I tell myself — daycare is so much better for them than being with me as a SAHM would be. Which is why even if I stopped working, they would still go to school, ha.
Walnut says
I started adding in afternoon coffee for an evening energy boost. I’m working to pair that with a quick walk and 1:1 sync with coworkers en route a coffee shop for maximum utility.
anne-on says
+1. My energy drops like a rock between 2:30-4:30. A cup of tea/diet soda really help me power through and handle the evening rush better. No impact on my sleep as long as it isn’t past 4:30.
Anonymous says
+1 I have a ‘going home’ coffee about a half hour before I leave to get me through the evening routine.
GCA says
This isn’t specific to evenings or the end of a long workday, but this article was shared in another group I’m in, and I found it helpful: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/08/its-really-okay-to-say-no-to-playing-with-your-child-5-reasons/
“Children do need us to give them full attention periodically, but not all the time, and not for a long period, certainly not if we don’t 100% want to be there in that moment.
What Magda also gave was a framework for giving attention, so that we didn’t have to feel guilty that we weren’t giving enough. And that framework is to focus on those care-giving moments, which come quite often with a young infant: diaper changes, bedtime rituals, feeding, bathing, dressing, and it can be less and less clear as a child gets older to age five, let’s say, but we still offer it at meal times, when they need a bandaid, when we’re brushing their hair, taking advantage of those moments because those are opportunities for us to give children full attention when it matters most.”
Anonymous says
I’m going to be the dissenting opinion and probably get flamed – but I don’t think using a tablet as a babysitter for the limited hours you see your kids each day is great. Or really even OK at all. Like 20-30 mins fine! And more for older kids who stay up later. Yes they’re totally engaged in school/daycare all day so I think screen time is totally fine! But having a present parent is important. You’re setting up patterns for life, so they are learning that mealtimes are for staring at phones/tablets and not talking to other people, which I think is an awful trend in our society. And you’re also ignoring them. It’s pretty awful to grow up with a parent wanting to ignore you 3-4 nights a week. I do NOT think parents have to be doing fun magical things with kids all the time, but sending the message that you basically wish you didn’t have to parent them at all isn’t OK. DH and I talk like we normally would during dinner pre-kids and when the kids are done eating they go and play independently.
I get that you’re burnt out after work, and I think most of us feel that way, but as parents we have to dig deep to find energy and patience to parent. Just because our parents plopped us in front of the TV and spanked us doesn’t mean it’s the right thing to do.
This is what I do says
We don’t do any screen time. With that said, it’s not like I’m engaged with my kids 100% of the time either. This is what we do:
1. At dinner, I read books to them or listen to audio books or we play an easy game (tic tac toe, hang man).
2. Kids play with each other before dinner and after for a bit while I do other chores (legos, magnatiles, etc.). I rarely sit down with them during this time and play with them.
3. Kids do chores while I supervise
4. I read two books in bed with them before the lights go out.
I put them to bed most nights by 8:15 pm, which gives me another 2-3 hours before my bed time to veg. I use this time to read, browse my phone, work out, call a friend, etc.
Legally Brunette says
Good point on vegging out after the kids are in bed. This was a lot harder when my kids were younger because they would often wake up around 10 pm or other sporadic times, and I never felt relaxed at night. But now that they pretty reliably sleep from 8 pm – 7 am, life is SO much better.
To the OP, make sure you do something you would enjoy after the kid are in bed, even for just 30-45 minutes. I’m trying to kick the habit of spending too much time on my phone browsing after the kids are in bed. when I do something instead like working out or reading an actual book, I feel so much more relaxed.
anon says
I don’t think this is really a dissenting opinion. Other posters have just given better advice than “dig deep.”
AwayEmily says
Agreed — most people here did not say “it’s fine, don’t worry about it, NBD!” they said “we empathize with where you are coming from, both in terms of the exhaustion and the guilt, and here are some ideas that have worked in our family” (nearly all of which the OP has responded to with grace and gratitude).
Workmom says
“Dig deep,” shoot, why didn’t I think of that on my own?? :)
anon says
As someone who spent a lot of time watching tv as a kid, I never got the message that my parents wished they didn’t have to parent me. That’s quite a leap to make.
Anonymous says
Yeh I watched a lot of tv too – but not during dinner time, or for an entire evening with my parents zoning out on a cell phone. Or my parents watched TV with me.
Anon says
+1 I was horrified. I’m not anti-screentime at all and I think 30 mins, an hour, whatever is fine. And I don’t balk at unlimited screen time in special situations like when one parent is sick or out of town. But she said they are on their tablets “all evening” on what sounds like a very regular basis. That’s…not good.
CPA Lady says
I mean, it’s not like the OP is okay with it either. She’s not, which is why she’s here asking about how she can do better. No need to kick her while she’s down.
AwayEmily says
And it’s great that she has both the self-awareness to recognize the issue and the ovaries to ask for advice about it on a public forum. Not sure I would be able to do that, tbh.
Workmom says
Y’all get it ;)
Workmom says
Totally agree that just because prior generations did something doesn’t mean it’s acceptable! Appreciate your perspective. Can I ask how old your kids are? Obviously all kids are different but what’s doable with a 6 month old vs a 2 year old vs a 6 year old is going to be really different so can be helpful in contextualizing others’ experiences.
“sending the message that you basically wish you didn’t have to parent them at all isn’t OK.” Of course I completely agree with this — that was actually part of what I was trying to get at with my question. Does not actively playing with my kids mean I’m “not parenting”? What about sending them outside/upstairs out of my sight to play, without us? What about putting them in front of the TV a tablet? Basically, where do we draw the line of what is considered “not parenting” and why? Is sending them to school all day “not parenting,” and if not, should I feel guilty about that and pull them out and home school them so that I can do more parenting?
I’d argue that even when they’re in front of the tablet, I’m “parenting” in some sense. I’m feeding them dinner; they’re wearing the clean clothes that I washed; they’re in the safe home that we provide; they learned and were enriched all day at the school that I researched, chose, and we pay for; we’re present in the home and respond to them when they come to me with a need (which granted they seem to do far less when they’re absorbed in Daniel Tiger); we’re going to make sure they get to bed at a decent hour and are tucked in with a story and brush their teeth.
Anonymous says
We do some screen time when we first come home until dinner time. This allows me to get dinner on the table and decompress a bit without the kids in the kitchen. Tablets/tv off for dinner and before bed. Dinner to Bedtime is usually only about an hour total so I find if I get a break when we first get home for 45 mins then I can ramp up again for an hour to make it through dinner and bed. We don’t do any ‘mary poppins’ activities after dinner. usually just 20 mins of reading a book, playing trains or legos on the floor etc. I actually find building train tracks in different patterns to be relaxing for myself!
Anonymous says
+1 I think this is a totally appropriate use of screen time in the evenings.
IHeartBacon says
Everyone has given a lot of great suggestions. I second the recommendation to head outside a couple nights a week. It sounds counterintuitive, but when I am leaving work and I have had a particularly hard day at work, those are the nights I decide on the commute home to take LO to the beach or the park. I know I don’t have the stamina to actively engage/entertain LO so taking him somewhere outside helps because all I have to do is keep an eye on him from a bench. Once we get outside, the fresh air helps me immensely. It also helps me decompress to watch him play outside in nature and just be a kid. Some of my best parenting memories come from just watching him explore the world, and, ironically, these sweet memories are generated because I had a terrible work day. I find that I never remember those days as being bad days at work; instead, I only remember the one or two sweet moments I caught because I took him on a little adventure.
As for getting LO fed on these night, I just grab a bunch of snacks that we can eat when we get there (cheese, crackers, deli meats, carrot sticks, fruit, water, etc.) and we eat out of the bags with our hands.
Time is a thief. Nights like these help me feel like I’m stealing back a little bit of time.
DLC says
I love the idea of “snack dinner”! I feel as if I get so entrenched in some idea of what dinner physically should be, that I forget that sometimes the important part of “Family Meal” is “Family”. I probably wouldn’t do it every day (though my kids probably would love it), but I like the novelty of an activity and grab what you can dinner when I’m just tapped out.
Workmom says
Really awesome suggestion and perspective, thank you! Sitting on a bench watching them play definitely sounds do-able, and feels like being a much better parent than allowing screen time. :)
SC says
I think it’s fine to have some evenings when you don’t engage with your kid as much. I try to have a couple of nights each week when I do engage when I get home–play a game, color/play doh, a trip to the library, a walk around the block. Other evenings, we let Kiddo play by himself or watch TV while DH cooks and I either do chores or keep DH company or read by myself. My husband also does more than his fair share of engagement/entertainment.
I carve out set times when I do engage, whatever else might be going on. I might veg out when I get home, but DH and I try to have all 3 of us sit at the table about 5 nights per week, and we try to involve Kiddo in the conversation as long as he’s sitting at the table. (Kiddo often asks to be excused early, and then the rule is that he has to play by himself until DH and I are finished eating.) I also read to my kid every night before bed, which usually lasts 20-30 minutes, and I leave my phone in the other room and really try to plug in.
For the last few months, DH and I have been talking to Kiddo about how we feel, what we need, and if we’re up to it how he can spend time with us. For example, I might say, “Mommy is too tired to play trains. I really want to sit on the couch tonight. Would you like to read with me? Ok, why don’t you find a book?” Often, I’ll read a book, we’ll cuddle, and he’ll run off and play by himself. Sometimes, especially if one parent is sick or not feeling well, the other parent will involve Kiddo in care taking. So, if I’m sick, my husband might say, “Mommy has a cold. She needs her rest. Do you want to help me make a grilled cheese sandwich for Mommy?” I think primarily we’re trying to explain to Kiddo in an age-appropriate way why we’re not available, but I hope there’s also some benefit to modeling self-care and taking care of others.
Finally, we’ve found a few things that we can watch with Kiddo, especially as he’s gotten older. Kiddo has watched some of the NBA playoff games, on nights when they’ve been on a little earlier. He loves the Great British Baking Show master class because it has treats, and it’s easier to follow than the main show. We’ve had family movie nights where we’ve introduced Kiddo to some childhood classics. I’ll admit that most of his screen time is in the evenings or on weekends when we’re all tired, but it is nice to veg out with him sometimes.
Workmom says
Wow, sit-down dinner five nights a week is awesome! Kudos to y’all. Can I ask how old your kid is?
SC says
Kiddo is 4. My husband is a SAHD and does all the cooking, except special weekend projects.
When DH worked and Kiddo was an infant, DH and I used Blue Apron and struggled to cook that food 3 nights a week :)
EB0220 says
I usually avoid screens after school/work because my kids are not well behaved afterward. So here’s what we do. I try my best to engage for 15 minutes while we eat dinner. Then the kids go off and play by themselves (4 and 7) upstairs while husband and I clean/have adult conversations downstairs. Then I can usually veg on the couch for a while before it’s time for homework/bedtime. I also try to use the commute home to recover a bit. I listen to a podcast or sing along to some music to disengage from work, and always have water and a small snack with protein to help my energy. It’s not perfect but it gets me through.
Workmom says
Sending them to play upstairs would be ideal, and we definitely try to do that, with varying levels of success. My kids are slightly younger than yours, so maybe they’ll be more capable of entertaining themselves sans video once they’re a bit older? I’m hoping… right now if we send them off to play, 5 minutes later they’re underfoot, asking for something! It’s like they can’t quite figure out what to do with themselves if we’re not actively guiding it. Are there particular games/toys that you’ve found your kids will keep occupied with for longer stretches that you’d recommend?
Wow says
Magnatiles! My kids (4 and 6) have been obsessed with them since they were toddlers. Also, Thomas train sets. They will play with both for hours.
Anonymous says
I empathize with this completely, I also need a minute to relax between work and full-on kid stuff. To answer your question: I do not feel guilty about not being engaged with my kids all the time when I’m home. You’re right: they’re kids, I’m an adult, our lives are different. Of course I love playing with them sometimes, but it’s important to me that they also play alone or with each other without an adult.
Our family time is dinner & after dinner. Aside from chatting on the way home, I usually don’t focus on my kids until we’re sitting down to eat. We typically have 30-45 min from when we get home until dinner, and the kids (2, 4, and 6) can play upstairs in their room, in the basement, or outside, but the main floor is Not For Kids unless one of them wants to help make dinner or set the table. We put vegetables on the table so they can cruise by if they’re hungry, but otherwise no snacks right before a meal. It’s my and DH’s time to decompress and talk while one or both of us cook. Any kid attempts to come pester us or tattle are met with a reminder that this is time for them to play and grown-ups to talk, so gtfo (nicely). They’re mostly trained at this point and will go do their thing with minimal prompting. Of course we would intervene if there was something unsafe going on, but I don’t mediate squabbles, I just send them far enough away that I don’t have to listen. I’ve found that if I stay out of it, the kids was solve their own problems 9 times out of 10.
All that to say, you can get your kids in the habit of self-entertaining without a screen. There’s definitely a breaking-in period, but it works pretty well for us. We still use TV shows sparingly if needed, like when one parent is on a trip or it’s just been a particularly bad day and the kids are already at each other’s throats in the car, but I try to avoid screens on weekdays because the chance of a post-screen meltdown isn’t worth it.
Workmom says
This sounds ideal! We may need to just be stricter about sending them off to play, rather than giving in and letting them have screen time because they claim it’s too boring to play upstairs.
Anonymous says
Yes, it takes some fortitude to get started, but you can do it! DH and I made a decision that we were going to do this, and presenting a united front and reinforcing each other was key. One thing you have to get past is feeling the need to remedy your kids’ boredom. It’s OK to be bored, and in any case that’s their problem, not yours! :) If my kids reject an initial redirection of suggesting puzzles/blocks/whatever, I always offer them the option to sit on the stairs and be bored and point out that I don’t care what they’re doing as long as they’re not hurting anyone and they’re out of the kitchen. We do 1-2-3 Magic, too, so 3rd time whining about being bored gets them a time out. (Time out is in their room, but has no other restrictions, so most of the time the kid will find something to play with while in time out, and be happy to keep it up when time out is over)
Travel Agent/Travel Planning? says
I need help planning a family vacation traveling from Pennsylvania to Vermont. We’re trying to avoid long drives (small kids) and one of the family members involved doesn’t want to spend more than a day or two in the same town, so the basic idea would be to spend some time around the Hudson Valley, some time around the Adirondacks, and some time around Burlington, Vermont. Do travel agents who will figure out an itinerary for you (as opposed to selling you a package or a tour) still exist? Any tips on finding one? I’m happy to spend some extra money to get some help here. We’re AAA members but I think their travel services are more about providing information than actually planning a trip for you. Help!
Anonymous says
This isn’t really a thing.
Anonymous says
I disagree. This is exactly what travel agents do. You just have to tell them what you want and then expect you’ll use them to book the hotels they choose. If not, they’ll likely need a different fee arrangement. Your challenge could be finding an agent who knows the area well if you’re not already in the NE. Working with travel agents, like any other professional, is just about communication.
Anon says
I don’t like travel agents and have never had a good experience with one, but, there are definitely people who do things like this.
OP says
Is this the sort of things that a Liberty Travel or something similar could help with? I’m basically looking for someone who can help figure out the best places to stay and activities at the stops that will be of interest to the whole family.
AwayEmily says
This is totally unhelpful but I read an article somewhere recently arguing that travel agents were…good again? I don’t know, something about how the travel agent business has reinvented itself in the age of the internet and now it was actually somewhat useful. Maybe do a search around the NYT, Atlantic, places like that to see if there’s an article like that.
EB0220 says
No travel agent recs but this is what we did last summer in VT/NH with our kids. (Click on my name for link.)
OP says
Thanks, your link has some great recommendations!
Anon says
I realize they are still young, but I’m not entirely sure how to handle this. I have 1 year old twins who are home with a nanny. Twin A is constantly taking toys from twin B. Sometimes twin B will try to take it back, other times twin B will sit and start to fuss a bit and other times twin B will do nothing. I’ve read Happiest Toddler on the Block, which seems to suggest that I should tell Twin A that I understand she is mad and wants to play with that toy right now but then redirect her to something else. I’ve also read Siblings Without Rivalry, which suggests that you don’t give attention to the aggressor, but instead to the victim. I realize they are only 1…but I do not want Twin A to think she can just take other people’s toys and I want twin B to learn to stick up for herself. I also don’t want to spend the next 18 years as a constant referee. I recently finished reading Siblings Without Rivalry and it literally broke my heart that there was an adult twin who hated his twin brother because he always picked on him and the parents never intervened. I know that most people on this board don’t have twins, but if you every have playdates you must run into this situation?
Anonymous says
Please chill! They are tiny tiny babies who understand none of this. It’s fine for Twin A to take B’s toy. It’s fine if B sometimes gets mad and sometimes moves on. Everything is fine here!!!
anon says
I have twins and I am a twin myself. They’re one-year-old, so really don’t worry about setting precedents for the next 18 years right now. There is only so much you can do. I think the most important thing to do as a twin mom is to make sure that each child has her own space (physically and emotionally) to set her own agenda and be herself. Not all the time, because family time is also important, but make sure that as they grow, they each know that you care about them and their individual thoughts, desires, etc. That’s more important than refereeing between them. Right now, let them play separately sometimes so that they each get an opportunity to play with whatever toy they want. Put the other one in a highchair with some snacks, or whatever you need to do.
anon says
I have twins, and we had this exact same dynamic at that age. At 1 year, they are really not old enough for strategies. Just redirect and move on. As they got a bit older, I started doing a bit: “Pause! We have two kids and one [fill in the blank]. What should we do? Take turns!” and then we set a timer for 2 minutes. Now at 2.5 I rarely have to actually say this or set the timer; it’s enough to say “Pause!” to remind them, and then the one with the toy will hand it to the other.
Also this problem is not specific to twins! You might want to check out How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen (by the daughter of one of the authors of SWR, I think), but again, I think 1 is a bit young for strategies.
Pogo says
This is a dynamic that all kids face, even non-twins, when in a setting with others that have the same developmental needs – like daycare. Are you worried about how the nanny is handling it? This is one of the things where I followed daycare’s lead, but I could see with a nanny if they’re unsure you need to direct them.
FWIW our daycare instructs the Toy Stealer that Toy Haver is playing it right now, and Toy Stealer can wait their turn or try another toy. Their memories are so short at this age they usually forget they even wanted the toy in about 30s and have moved on to something else. You do want to make sure that Stealer knows she can’t keep doing that constantly.
There is also a phase where they learn “mine” and everything is “mine”. I always make sure to say, “No actually, that’s Friend’s – but Friend is letting you borrow it, right Friend?” I think it’s helpful that they can have some things that are theirs and they don’t have to share – like their own water bottle, shoes, lovey, etc (just thinking of the common sources of “No mine!!!!”). Then you can legitimately say “No, that’s Friend’s water bottle. But you have your own water bottle, it has a doggie on it! Do you want a drink?”
IHeartBacon says
+1 to the comments about “mine.” Whenever LO grabs his own thing and says, “mine,” I make sure to acknowledge his comment by saying, “yes, that is yours.” This way, when he says “mine” about something that is not his, it helps him understand the difference when I say, “no actually that is Friend’s, but Friend is letting you borrow it.”
OP says
thank you for all telling me to chill a bit and that they are a bit young for strategies. is it bad to not intervene every single time? at what age are they old enough for strategies?
ElisaR says
i’m not expert, but I try not to intervene much between my sons (20 months apart). I want them to figure it out themselves. Everyday is a lesson in negotiating life. I get that that this approach has limits though.
shortperson says
janet lansbury has great advice on this
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2015/04/4-reasons-to-relax-about-sibling-toy-taking/
my kids are three years apart and we follow this and i think it works.
RR says
I do have twins who are 11 now. They are both loving brother and sister and constant annoyance to each other. The twin relationship is a special one in both the depth of bond and in the depth of ability to get under the skin of someone else. That said, at 1, you need to not worry about it so much. There’s a big gap between let one child pick on another without intervening for 18 years and not intervening when one baby takes something from another baby. She’s 1; she’s not doing it to be mean. She’s doing it because she wants the toy. With time and the development of empathy, you can start to teach the lessons about appropriate interaction.
I also agree with the poster who said that making sure you treat each of them individuals is much more important.
Biting says
Hive, I need some guidance/reassurance but also asking for kindness if you think this is truly something minor and I just need to let it play out…
We were told yesterday at daycare pick up that 13 month old DD bit a kid. It was unprovoked and it sounds like she sort of charged (crawling) across the room for the kid and just went for him. While they called this ‘age appropriate’ behavior, albeit not ideal behavior, they also alluded to some sort of report filing and procedure that needs to be followed if this becomes a pattern. I understand the incident report has to get filed because of just baseline procedures (we’re at a national daycare franchise) but please reassure me this happens, that it will be fine and she’s not going to get booted? They didn’t go so far as to say she could be kicked out but they also were pretty open ended and ominous about what happens if it is in fact a “pattern” – “we’ll have to have a conversation to talk about next steps”, or something like that. Anything we can do to help her at home if we see the behavior recur?
Other possibly salient facts: (1) she’s teething badly right now – front top two teeth are both just about to poke through. (2) she bit my shoulder once 30 days ago but over the course of the next 7 days she had 4 teeth on the bottom poke through. (3) she bit another kid also 30 days ago, but that was in a dispute over a toy, I’m told, unlike yesterday’s unprovoked incident, (4) we have a LOT of stuff happening in our personal lives right now – some good, some not so much – and the open ended “we’ll have to see how this plays out!” messaging form them sort of broke the camel’s back last night.
Anonymous says
It’s fine. It’s unlikely she turns into a constant biter such that she gets kicked out of daycare. They should be able to manage this and whoever you spoke with didn’t convey things well.
anon says
Do whatever you can to not fret over this! It is normal and common. I don’t remember all the specific strategies and “rules” about what to say or do when you catch them in the act but g00gle is full of them.
anon says
I wouldn’t stress too much. DD was serial biter for a few months – she was the smallest, weakest kid in her class and her teachers always told us she was doing it in self defense. I’m grateful that our daycare never seemed to make a big issue of it beyond the daily report or notification required with it. If you are concerned, I would have a conversation with them about what they consider a pattern so you’re prepared. My assistant’s kid had to switch daycares in part due to biting but also in part due to the center’s response to the biting. I think the misaligned expectations created more issues than the actual biting did.
Emily S. says
FWIW, we had a serial biter at DD#1’s small daycare, and the child was never asked to leave. Teachers sent home boo-boo reports and mentioned to parents that most of the kids had picked up on the biting so were now retaliating with the serial biter but also each other, and reassured us they were working on it. It calmed down after a few (long!) months. I hope the same is true for you. It seems that it’s coming from teething and stress in her personal life. If your center allows it, can you send her in with more pacis or teething bibs or chew toys so she has something at the ready/in her mouth to keep her occupied? That and time and all the teeth coming in were the only things that worked for us to break the biting habit. (Well, reading teeth are not for biting and don’t bite, little dino! might have helped a bit.)
Irish Midori says
I’ve never heard of a kid that didn’t bite at least once at that age. And also get bitten by another kid. Don’t panic.
Maya says
My 16 month old bit two different kids twice this week. Daycare sent incident alerts and I asked this forum for tips/resources. A mom here said this (thank you!) ” First, it’s developmentally appropriate, as unfortunate as it may seem. Second, see if you can glean why toddler is biting – frustration, boredom, teething, attention, etc. and treat accordingly. Third, offer lots of teethers and while a lot of people like the book Teeth Are Not For Biting, we actually had the most success (caveat we were probably closer to 18-19 months) with Little Dinos Don’t Bite (and are now repeatedly talking about how Little Dinos Don’t Hit)”
Apparently both biting incidents happened when my toddler was fighting over a toy. Daycare teacher said it is not a teething issue and it’s usually a phase. I also liked how they dealt with the situation (teacher told him we don’t bite our friends because it hurts and then take a break and let him go back to playing). I also bought the suggested books but toddler showed no interest in either one. So hopefully this is phase and it will pass. But I will be extra vigilant to redirect if he starts biting anything other than food or teethers.
ElisaR says
awww it’s ok. 2 different kids bit my kid in the last month. I have no idea which kid did it (nor will I). I get that’s typical and if a major pattern emerged I would hope something would be done at that point but that’s why they document along the way.
Anon says
Agree that it is totally normal, but it seems weird to me that daycare would imply the need for drastic action at this point. My son had 4 biting incidents in 2 weeks at that age and the teacher was really understanding and assured us that it was totally normal. We didn’t have any problems after those 2 weeks.
RR says
I have three kids who’ve gone through daycare, all of whom have bit another kid and all of whom have been bitten by other kids. I know one child that was kicked out of daycare for biting–it was daily, multiple times a day, and sustained over a period of time. She also bit kids on the face a lot–it’s horrible because she was not even 2, but I thought of her humorously as a tiny Hannibal Lecter. Even with her, I thought it was extreme to kick her out and felt awful for her mother that she had to deal with a huge headache for what, in reality, was a brief phase, although I understand why daycare made that decision. I’m sure your daughter will be fine (and frankly, if she’s not, I’d be concerned about other issues at that daycare anyway–that would be an extreme position).
Anonymous says
I have twins and I hate to break it to you but you will have at least 5 more years of acting as a relatively constant referee. The Tao of Daniel Tiger has a line my 4 year olds repeat a lot to each other “before you take something away, stop and ask if it’s okay’. But they are 4 and they still try to grab each other’s stuff sometimes. 1 year olds just need a constant level of supervision to teach them how to share. You’ll get there but there are a lot of referee years ahead yet.
RR says
My twins are 11, so I will say at least 11 more years. You just referee different things.
Anonymous says
I’m nearing my due date and trying to get things together as much as possible. What kind of clothes will I need in the first few postpartum weeks? Just leggings and comfy shirts + nursing bras?
Workmom says
Yea basically your maternity clothes + nursing tops. I’d get the tank tops where you can lower the cups, rather than the bras, bc then you still have to pull down/up whatever shirt you’re wearing.
Anonymous says
+1
OP says
+1 on the tank tops being a bigger priority than bras.
Whoops not OP says
I’m the poster above..apparently last time I posted it was as an OP and I didn’t notice that stuck. Not the OP for this. Whoops!
Cb says
I liked leggings and nursing tops (H&M were my favourite). If it’s warm, you may want some comfy cotton shorts.
anne-on says
For summer I’d go with comfy forgiving shorts (those drawstring waist ON ones someone posted looked great) or shirt dresses plus easy access tops. I wore a lot of button down shirts nursing for easy access and because I didn’t like being entirely undressed. A loose tank/workout tank that you could shrug off one shoulder at a time would work well too!
YMMV, but I liked the cheap Target Gillian O’Malley button down pjs and robes for the same reason – I got too cold nursing without any shirt on at all, and those helped – but I run reallllly cold and my husband runs super hot so temperature is always a fight in our house.
Pogo says
I wore leggings and nursing cami + button down or open cardigan. Caveat: I kept my AC at like 68, because if I was going to be home all day tethered to a tiny suckling creature, I wanted to be comfortable.
+1 to Target Gillian O’Malley and H&M mama as good tank brands. Bravado is loved by many, but despite being pricier they were not my favorite!
GCA says
If it’s hot, comfortable shorts. I gave birth in early August and lived in my maternity shorts for a good month or two after that. And I’d go for nursing tanks/ bras and shirts you can pull up or down as needed. You may find you prefer one or the other – I am team pull-up-the-shirt-to-nurse because I prefer exposing my squishy belly to exposing my decolletage.
Emily S. says
I had an end of May baby Virginia, and I preferred nursing dresses to shorts and tees combos. The extra ventilation from the skirt, not having to think about putting two pieces together, and the physical and emotional “weight” of the shorts band against my postpartum tummy was just ugh. So, dresses it was! Loose button-down shirt dresses were also nice when I wanted to feel a little more put-together. If I wore shorts, it was either maternity shorts, leggings, or running shorts.
TMI says
One postpartum need that surprised me was the need for sleeping bras or tanks that would hold nursing pads. Otherwise I would wake up in a puddle.
Anon says
+1 million.
anne-on says
+1. I mean, early on it’s not like you’re ever NOT nursing, so I wore comfy nursing bras with pads constantly. Brand new babies probably take anywhere from 30-45 minutes to latch and nurse. Then you change them and put them back to sleep and they need to eat again in 2 hours. I felt like I basically cat napped from weeks 1-6. Around week 6 I could start to stretch to 3 maaaaybe 4 hours in between feedings which was almost miraculous in terms of the longer chunks of sleep.
Anonymous says
I think I’m in the minority, but I don’t like nursing tanks – they had a push-up effect that I didn’t like visually or from a comfort perspective. I wore nursing bral3ttes under a regular t-shirt and just lifted the t-shirt up to nurse, which I found to be no big deal. I’m not modest about people seeing my belly but I also didn’t leave my house much with a newborn (I had a winter baby and was worried about the flu – someone with a summer baby would probably get out more).
Anonymous says
Leggings (you’ll still wear your maternity ones for at least a few weeks, most likely), plus a nursing cami and an easy throw-on sweater were my uniform for those first few months. Once I was a more confident nurser, I was able to graduate to tops with a wider neckline that were easier to pull down.
Also, don’t underestimate the need for PJs that can hold nursing pads and have a little extra support.
Anonymouse says
I loved maxi skirts last summer with a newborn. More coverage than shorts, but still cooler than leggings. Found them at Talbots of all places. Note – recommend patterns to hide spit up stains.
Anonymous says
I did not like leggings, but I had a c-section. I liked soft cotton shorts (worn above my incision) and maxi skirts for the few times I left the house
Anonymous says
This makes sense. On the other side, as a v-birth, I found skirts horrible for a while. I thought I’d love them but I really wanted leggings for the support down there. It felt so much more comfortable to have pressure, which surprised me.
Anonymous says
Yep, counter-pressure can be very helpful. A nurse in the hospital told me to press a clean pad against the would when you need to go #2 and that helped me too. You can freeze the pad in advance for extra relief.
IHeartBacon says
I put a Bellefit corset on the day after my LO was born and didn’t take it off for 7 weeks except to shower. I bought two so I could wear one while the other one was washed. By about 3 weeks in, I sized down. It was as MISERABLE as it sounds, but I am very glad I did it. Who knows if it actually helped push everything back into place, but I much prefer having used it over not using it and wondering if it might have helped.
As for what I wore over the corset, mostly leggings and button-up tunics. The tunics helped me feel a little more put together when I finally ventured outside the house.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
NYC Wisehive – Traveling to NY next weekend with DS (18 months). We are staying in an apartment rental in Midtown East. DH and I both used to live in NY, so are not looking for any sightseeing…but this is our first time back with kiddo. If there’s no rain, we’re hoping to keep it a park/walk around/eat type of weekend, hopefully hitting some of our favorite spots.
All that being said, would love any “toddler friendly” recommendations in Manhattan — restaurants that y’all enjoy, any specific park recommendations (will probably end up in Sheep’s Meadow because of nostalgia), etc. We are not bringing car seat so will walk and public transit everywhere.
TIA!
Anon says
Does your toddler do ok in noisy, crowded spaces? I would be a bit nervous relying on the subway only because my suburban kid had a huge fear of subways at that age. Also you’ll need a car seat for getting to/from airport, right?
In general, NY is toddler-friendly. All but he fanciest restaurants (like Per Se etc) are fine, especially if you dine early. At that age the biggest hits were stroller walking (in Central
Park) and swimming at the grandparents’ apartment pool. I think it’s a little young for kids museums and stuff like that.
OP says
Thanks. We’re traveling from DC via train, so won’t need the airport transfer. Worst case, we will use Uber Family for short rides if needed, but hoping to avoid that.
Hmm…DS has generally been fine in noises and crowds, but NY would be on a different level than he’s used to, so we will have to see. Since we’re going for a weekend, hoping the city will be a bit emptier given that many folks that live where we are staying typically go out east.
Anon says
I believe Uber Family carseats are forward-facing only – at least I’ve never seen a rear-facing one – and the law in NY requires children to be rear-facing until age 2. I assume plenty of people break that law, but just a heads up. I don’t think it would hurt to take a really cheap, light carseat like the Cosco Scenera if you want to have the option to go anywhere in a car.
OP says
Yup – he is under 2 but meets height/weight for forward facing. But again, have 0 plans to use Uber – only thinking of using if it’s an emergency of some sort to get from point A to point B (which I can’t really see happening, but juuuust in case), plan to walk or take public transit otherwise. I’m traveling solo via train with DS, so trying to minimize what I’m carrying while balancing out what will actually be used.
rosie says
You didn’t ask & may already know, but get red cap service (free, just tip) to get on the train in DC.
ElisaR says
or down the shore! not everybody goes out east! (tongue in cheek)
OP says
HAHAH YES! Totally. I always went to NJ or LI to get my beach fix when I lived in NYC :)
anon says
Scandinavia House is in that area and has a really fun play area for kids that’s open to non-members on Saturdays. They have a good restaurant there as well. Tudor Grove Playground is supposed to be great for toddlers but I haven’t personally been.
Anonymous says
MommyPoppins has good recommendations in various neighborhoods. Sorry I can’t be more specific – I’m just not that familiar with the east side.
OP says
Thanks for saying this – it’s come up in my google searches but wasn’t sure if it was well received by local mums or more geared for tourists. Based on the suggestions by neighborhood, seemed like the former, so good to know it’s legit!
Anonymous says
I’m just one local mom but I find it helpful. They have a lot of day trip and summer camp listing kind of articles too, so I think it is more geared to locals.
Amelia Bedelia says
check out lovetaza.com blog. she has a lot of NYC recommendations for toddlers.
Quail says
Depending on how far north into Midtown you are, St. Vartan’s Park (between 1st and 2nd Ave and 35th/36th) has a good range of play equipment and a paved playlot. No grass though. And beware there’s a water fountain feature – not sure when they turn it on, but it is quite tempting and can result in wet kids who are not in clothes to get wet.
We really enjoyed taking the ferry from 34th down to the “big playground” in Brooklyn. The ferry was never crowded and super fun for the kiddo, and then you get to a pretty sweet playground with nice walking paths, etc.
It’s crosstown, but we had a few fun days at the Children’s Museum of the Arts – they have an under 5 room that promotes free art play.
Making me nostalgic for our time with a toddler in NYC! (We lived in Murray Hill, as you can probably tell from my recs!)
ISR says
Has anyone ever done ISR swimming lessons for your infant or toddler? I really like the concept but am wondering if the time investment is worth it.
In House Lobbyist says
We did it for both our kids and it was wonderful. They are both excellent swimmers now. We did it at ages 3 and 4 so not infants but followed the same method. I highly recommend it.
Anon says
Father’s Day gift/activity ideas? DH swears he doesn’t want or need anything, but I know he’d be disappointed if I didn’t acknowledge the day at all. We have one 18-month old who’s just starting to get into coloring, so I’m going to try to have her make him a card, but that’s about all I’ve got.
anne-on says
My husband asked for the same thing I wanted – dinner as a family, and then time alone to do his own thing. He’s getting new work clothes (polos/chinos) plus the morning off for tennis and then we’re doing family pool time before dinner. I will of course also make a card and buy cupcakes (more for the kiddo than for us because god help us if cake is not present on all cake-eating occasions!).
Anonymous says
This is a perfect example of unnecessary emotional labor women do. Your DH says he doesn’t want or need anything. Listen to him.
Anon says
What? No. OP wants to get him something and said nothing about emotional labor or whatever.
Anon says
I know this OP didn’t and I’m not trying to attack her, but yesterday a lot of y’all were all up in arms because your husbands don’t do enough and a lot of people said “drop the optional tasks” and there was fury about how none of what you do is optional. This is a perfect example of something that’s ENTIRELY optional that a lot of women still feel like they need to do. Letting go of stuff like this would go a long way toward feeling like you have a more balanced marriage.
anon says
Eh, I don’t know that I’d agree that Father’s Day is “entirely optional.” When husbands treat Mother’s Day as optional, everyone here gets completely up in arms, and rightfully so.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting to show your spouse some appreciation, and OP wants to do this.
Anon says
Her husband has said he doesn’t want anything! Nobody would get up in arms about a husband who didn’t get his wife a gift for Mother’s Day when the wife had told him “don’t get me anything.” People aren’t mind readers, which comments here point out here all the time. You’re thinking of the outrage when a woman says “I’d like to have brunch and get a card” and the husband doesn’t follow through, which is a totally different situation.
Anon says
I read OPs post as saying that her husband doesn’t necessarily want or need any specific gift, which is different from saying he doesn’t want to celebrate or acknowledge the day at all.
Anon says
Not a party to yesterday’s thread, but I don’t think not doing something for Father’s Day is going to make much of a difference in terms of evening out the emotional workload (which OP has not even said that she carries.) I get that you’re trying to use this as an example to make a point, but you’re making a lot of assumptions.
Cb says
I’m going to buy my husband something they can play together. We have the super basic brio and he and my son are obsessed (my husband perhaps more than my 22 month old) so I’m going to get some cool addition to their track.
Anonymous says
My spouse is also obsessed with the train set! I thought he was the only one.
Anonymous says
Have the 18 month old do a scribble drawing and snap a photo of it. Order a photo mug from vista print.
anon says
Every year I get my husband a custom tervis with photos of our kid on it. It’s a big hit and takes me 5 minutes to order.
rosie says
This year: photo card from Shutterfly (I was ordering for the grandpas so added another — easier for me right now then going to a store and ended up cheaper given the price of greeting cards these days); a broom to sweep the patio (his request); a Melissa & Doug kid broom for our kid to use to help him.
Last year I got matching daddy/toddler PJs from Target that were a huge hit, they both still like them a lot. I only regret not buying in bigger sizes for kiddo at the same time, since she’s almost outgrown hers and they don’t have them in stock anymore.
Anonymous says
Brunch, a card and me being the primary parent for the day, which is what I got for Mother’s Day.
anon. says
YMMV, but my husband likes lottery scratch offs so he gets $20 of those every year for fathers day. Easy, done.
Anon says
What about matching t-shirts for your child and husband? One year I did t-shirts from my husband’s alma mater for him and our son and it was a hit.
If he truly doesn’t want anything, just plan a nice day or afternoon. Give him alone time if he would want that or just plan something fun for the 3 of you.
Emily S. says
I like to do a book from the kids. This year, it’s “Because You’re My Dad.” That plus a card, donuts out with the family, and then time for himself are our Father’s Day go-tos.
Anon says
I cry every time they read that one. It’s adorable.
anon says
best basket to corral bath toys?
Lawyermom says
I like the ubbi freestanding bin/holder. It looks less like a kid toy, drains into the bottom bin to prevent mold on toys and can be slid in the bathroom closet if there are guests coming over. It is about $16 off of amazon.
ElisaR says
i like the mesh bag that has 2 suction cups on it – we just put the toys in there and they dry out and it stays in the tub (no room for any basket in my bathroom)
Anonymous says
+1 – we have some random cheap one from Amazon that is fine.
Another car question says
piggybacking off the minivan thread above-
Does anyone have thoughts on their experience with three kids and *not* having a minivan? We are also expecting a third and my car (2003 Subaru Legacy Wagon) is on its last legs. I do a lot of city commuting (DC), my parking lot at work is the size of a postage stamp – in my ideal world I would get a Prius. Is this a crazy idea? We would be looking at two forward facing seats and an infant seat in the back (technically the oldest can be in a backless booster, but I feel like with three kids in the back, it will be easier for her to buckle herself in with a five point booster).
My husband will probably replace his car (Subaru Impreza) in 2 or three years with a minivan or a third row SUV, and we have an Escape that we inherited that we use for road trips. Usually when we go out as a family he will drive. I don’t want to be short sighted about my choice of car, but I also don’t want to drive more car than I can handle.
Would love to hear how people deal with three in the back in a non-mini van situation – type of car, car seats, and tips/tricks or frustrations? Thanks for your thoughts!
Anonymous says
My sister does this with a Subaru and they had to buy the Diono seats for 3 seats to fit in the back row. Not crazy – I know how tight the parking garages can be.
Anonymous says
We have a minivan and we also had three across in my small Suzuki but we are replacing that with something larger because we can’t get three across once my oldest went to a booster seat. One forward facing and two rearfacing was fine, and three forward facing was fine but I can’t make it work with a booster because booster’s need the width of the seat plus room to buckle the seatbelt so you can’t put them flush against each other in the same way. If your oldest will be in a five point harness for a few years (like if she’s 4 and you think you can keep her harnessed in a diono until she’s 7-8), then you can probably make three across work.
Pick up/drop off schedules are harder to work unless both vehicles can take all three kids.
Anonymous says
Adding that I think we’re going with the VW tiguan with the optional third row seating. It’s smaller than the Atlas. We had one on vacation when the three kids were forward facing and three across and I loved it.
Atlas! says
I posted above but we have three kids and really love the Atlas! Extra optionality and works great for road trips too… we have two forward facing and one infant.
We also sometimes drive carpool with three cleks across in a bmw. I don’t hate it but helps if kids can clip themselves into middle seat?
Anonymous says
I posted above- we have an Acura MDX. We make it work fine. Life would be easier with a minivan, but I’m not giving in.
Maya says
I have made a couple of posts on hiring a babysitter before, so please bear with me. I am just having the worst luck getting someone reliable. I thought I had found someone I could work with and yesterday evening she was supposed to come for 2 hours to meet and greet and learn about our nighttime routine, but she texted two hours before the scheduled time that she was feeling sick! There was another one I almost hired through nextdoor recommendation and on the day of the meeting time she said she didn’t think she could handle a toddler! Anyway, with all this almost hiring/flaking I don’t have anyone to watch over baby on Saturday evening and I am debating whether to take baby to the wedding reception (dinner at 7 and babys bedtime is 7) or hire an emergency babysitter through a local nanny service (thanks to someone here who suggested to look for local services). The service provides sitters who are vetted and charged $30 an hour (ok with me). Question is this will be a person who is totally new/ stranger to my kiddo (16 month old). I don’t know how to feel about this. What would you do? Take the baby to wedding reception and just leave early (by 8 or so) or hire someone from the service for that one evening? Thanks in advance!
Anonymous says
Is baby a reliable sleeper? I’d probably put baby to bed myself, have babysitter come, and then go to the reception late. You could ask a good friend to save you a meal if you’re disappointed to miss the meal. But cake and drinks should be readily available.
anon says
I’m sorry, this really stinks. Finding a good, reliable babysitter is HARD. I think it’s highly optimistic that you’d actually get to leave the reception at 8:00, honestly.
The nanny service sounds like a viable option, but I completely get the hesitation of booking someone you’ve never met. The good news is that he/she is vetted by someone you trust already, so I don’t see this as the worst option in the world.
Otherwise, is there a friend or neighbor who might be willing to do a one-time babysitting favor?
shortperson says
i suggested the nanny service. do it! the nannies are used to being new babysitters. kid will cry for a bit and then will be fine. IME these sitters are very experienced. and you’ll have way more fun at the wedding.
Anonymous says
I would have whoever is closer with the couple go ahead to the wedding for the dinner. Other parent puts baby to bed and waits for sitter then goes late to wedding. If baby ususally wakes up around 11pm or midnight, I’d have whoever went to the wedding first, come home first (or both come home together).
Anonymous says
I would take the baby to the reception if the couple is ok with it. If you do that, make sure to bring ear protection for the baby (we made that mistake only once – wedding receptions are LOUD!!!). 16 months is a really tough age for stranger danger. My 16 month old would have been hysterical being left with someone she’d never met at that age. And I don’t mean hysterical when I walked out the door and for 10 minutes afterward, I mean crying hysterically and refusing to sleep until I got home.
SC says
I would go with the nanny service. I know it can be nerve-wracking to leave your kid with someone you haven’t met, but the nannies are vetted and experienced. Your kid’s bedtime routine may not go perfectly, but it’ll probably go OK. You’ll have your cell phone with you, so if your kid is upset for longer than a few minutes, the nanny can call you, and you’ll be in the same position you were in before (leaving the reception early). Go and enjoy the wedding!
Anon says
If it makes you feel better, our kids have had new baby sitters several times throughout their young lives, including as babies, and it has always been fine. Maybe tears when we leave, but ends up fine.
Sorry you are having trouble finding someone reliable! Do any of your friends have a nanny? Maybe they want more hours? We use our friend’s nanny the most as a sitter which helps from a (parental) anxiety standpoint, as you know they were thoroughly vetted and your friend has real life experience with them every day.
CCLA says
I would go with the service. I am a broken record about using one so I may have recommended it initially, but really we’ve been using it since first DD, now almost 3, was a newborn and it’s been totally great – a really important part of our network since we don’t have family around for backup care. Sometimes there are some tears, but at some ages that happens even with a caregiver they know. Plan for an extra 15-30 minutes at the start of the session to get them acquainted with where everything is, etc. I leave a list with each kid’s schedule, our phone numbers, and the address of our house in case of emergency. I do have nest cams in full view around our house that I let them know are present, and if it’s someone I haven’t met before I will check in occasionally to peek on how things are going (I don’t do that with our regular sitters).
EB0220 says
Ugh, how frustrating! I would go with the nanny service. Could you have them come an hour early so you’re around for the first bit? That might increase your comfort level.
Maya says
Thank you everyone. I booked a sitter through the nanny service. She will arrive an hour early, so we have a chance to talk and baby can at least be somewhat familiar with her. We will play by the ear and if we don’t feel 100% comfortable, I send husband to the reception and join him after I put baby to sleep. We don’t have family nearby, so that sucks. But we also try to spend as much time as possible with baby, so hadn’t really thought about how to go about hiring sitters. But things are looking up. Husband got the number for his colleague’s sitter! Now there is at least one person in my roster!
anon says
Another post about the tradeoffs that go with having careers and kids … I’m just feeling so bummed. Two spots are open in my field, in an organization I’ve been really interested in. This happens almost never. The catch? The commute is simply unworkable, if I ever want to pick up or drop off my kids from school, or take them to activities — which I do. Say I applied and got either job, literally all of that would all fall to DH. If he had a late meeting or something, we’d be screwed. More notably, I would be on the road for a minimum of 2 hours a day, which would absolutely affect our quality of life. (Most people who do this commute don’t last for more than a few years because it’s so unpleasant, especially in the winter.) For various reasons, relocating to this city is a nonstarter. I’ve been completely miserable in my job for 2 years now, and I seriously want to cry that the right opportunity is finally presenting itself, but it’s in the wrong place.
Is it even worth applying and hoping that if I get it, they love me so much that I could work remotely a few days a week? Or is that just wasting everyone’s time? Because I am not up for a huge commute 5 days a week, no job is worth that to me.
Anon says
A long commute is such a drain on quality of life, even if you could work from home one day a week. I’d let this one go and look for something more workable – sorry, that sounds so frustrating.
Anon says
Fwiw, I’m in a similar situation and often have to remind myself that something isn’t the right opportunity if it’s in the wrong place.
shortperson says
yes, me too.
Anonymous says
This. Love “it isn’t the right opportunity if it’s in the wrong place”
Anon says
Is this really a career vs kids issue? It sounds like you don’t want to commute 2 hours/day regardless, which is very understandable. I wouldn’t either. I’m sorry about the opportunity, but maybe reframing it as a life vs career thing would help you feel less guilty.
anon says
Yeah, I think you’re right that it’s not purely a career vs. kids issue. I’ve been so unhappy for so long and have really struggled to find the right opportunity that doesn’t involve a ton of undesirable tradeoffs, so it feels extra crappy. I feel very unsettled and stuck, and wonder if I’m putting too many barriers in my own way. So I stay at my job, try to find the good in it, all the while completely hating it.
anonny says
If it helps, I’m right there with you… totally valid feelings.
octagon says
I think you need a little more information to think this through. Does the company allow telecommuting at all? Do you know anyone who works there, to understand whether you could realistically hope for 1 or more days once you get settled? If you knew that you could eventually WFH 3x a week, would that be enough for you to apply? Does the new job come with enough of a raise that you could hire someone help out afternoons/evenings? Also, do you think that this is a job you could do long-term, or is it the sort of thing that you’d do for a couple of years and then plan to move on?
All of that is to say it may be workable, if you think that the upside outweighs the downside. But you would definitely be giving up time with your kids, and you have to think about what outweighs that. A friend commuted cities for 18 months – she would fly in Monday morning, back on Thursday night. She worked 12-14 hour days when she was on-site. They got an au pair to help out with the child care. After 18 months she leveraged that experience into a much bigger job in her city with better flexibility, so it was a short-term hardship that paid off.
So Anon says
I know that you indicated that a hour each way is undoable, but let me give an example of what it can look like:
Depending on time of year (winter = snow and summer = tourists), my commute can easily hit 45 mins/1+ hour each way. For the first year or so, I just went with it. Now, I work from home 2x per week, have a babysitter pick up the kids from 4pm and stay until 7pm 2x per week, and my mom does pick up every other Friday or so. The three days that I am in the office, I tend to get in around 8:45/9 and stay later (also means I miss evening traffic). The two days I work from home I work an hour or so before the kids get up and then 8-3 and work or check-in in the evenings as well. The two days that I work from home, I pick the kids up from school, have a chance to chat with other parents, spend an afternoon with the kids, run errands and make an actual meal. It has worked out to be a great balance: plenty of face-time in the office and great time with the kids as well. I have balance – not any given day – but over the week. The commute can be long, but I love audio books and find it super relaxing. I find it so relaxing to get in my car with a giant cup of hot coffee and listen to a great audio book that I know I have time to dig into. Just a thought.
DLC says
I feel like there is no harm in applying, right? Then you can take it one step at a time in terms of if the job will fit into The life you want. Also, if you apply, you might discover that you don’t want the job after all, for whatever reason that may have nothing to do with the commute. But at least you would know for sure that it isn’t worth the commute, right?
Commutes says
It sounds like it is worth applying. I’m in NYC so an hour commute each way is fairly standard for those of us in the suburbs. And honestly isn’t awful especially if you have some flexibility for remote work and decent hours
Can you look at an au pair or babysitter (not sure of your childcare needs/ages) to help with unpredictable situations and to chauffeur kids to activities? That’s what makes it all work for us
I am an advocate of a good work life balance, but given your current level of misery, it is worth a look. Family comes first but a good job that you are into makes the juggle more tolerable
Anonymous says
My 6 month old is not napping with her nanny. I just went back to work 2.5 weeks ago, so I’m trying–fairly unsuccessfully– not to freak out.
Some context: At home on the weekends, I follow a little routine that I have told the nanny about and then lay my daughter down and she generally falls to sleep within about 20 min without any crying. It took us a while to get to that point, so I know she’s not just a naturally easy sleeper. She goes to another family’s house (our nanny share partner), so she is not in her usual bed for the nap, but she has all of her normal napping props (sleep sack, paci, white noise machine). I knew the nanny was rocking her to sleep for the first couple weeks, which I normally don’t do at home, but figured if it didn’t affect her home sleep then I wouldn’t make the nanny use my method.
Now apparently my daughter has started crying when laid down until she is picked back up. I’m so sad thinking about her laying at someone else’s house crying and not being able to fall asleep. I told the nanny she could try letting her cry for 5 minutes at a time and going back in to soothe her without picking her up, which is how I did sleep training at home, but apparently she just never falls asleep when the nanny tries this.
Any words of advice? I admit I’ve been sitting here thinking about just up and quitting my job, but I know that is not rational. It’s hard enough just starting back after maternity leave, but thinking about my little girl inconsolable laying in a pack n play crying by herself is almost too much for my mommy brain to handle.
Anonymous says
Can she nap in a swing? Or can the nanny rock her to sleep for a few more weeks and then try again when she’s more adjusted. The first 3-4 weeks of a childcare arrangement are tough. It’s a big adjustment for everyone.
Anon says
I wouldn’t do the nap in the swing thing, as you don’t know how closely the nanny would be watching her and it just isn’t worth the safety risk. But I don’t see any huge problem with letting the nanny rock her to sleep if that works.
Anonymous says
What is the safety risk of a baby strapped in a swing?
Anon says
Falls, SIDS, same issues as a RNP. Talk to your ped and make your own decisions, obviously, but this isn’t considered safe sleep (and every swing I’ve ever seen says not to allow an infant to sleep in it for long periods of time).
Anonymous says
The nanny has tried rocking her, but she wakes up and starts crying as soon as she is laid down. I am not at all surprised that she wakes up when laid down– that’s what prompted me to do sleep training at home– but she has never been much of a crier at home; she just whined or played without sleeping, which was frustrating but not nearly as sad. I’m tempted to go over to the nanny share home tomorrow ( I work from home on Fridays) and show the nanny exactly what I do at nap time and see if it works there. But I know it’s not really that easy because my method doesn’t even work for my husband, he does something slightly different to get her to nap for him.
Eek says
Sorry, this sounds hard. For whatever it’s worth, my son didn’t nap at daycare for the first couple of months, except in 10-15 minute increments. Eventually he just started napping better there (though he still has days when he doesn’t nap well). I have no explanation for it, so I can’t really give any advice except that this might be something you need to “get through” rather than fix.
Anon says
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this – nap training is so so hard. It sounds like the rocking to sleep with the nanny for a week or two made her unlearn the lessons you taught her re: falling asleep on her own. She needs to learn to sleep independently in this new place, and that may involve some tears at first. If nanny follows your instructions to the letter (the crying with 5 min check ins sounds really reasonable), she’ll catch on! Thanks to all your hard work, she KNOWS how to fall asleep independently, she’s just testing this new situation/nanny. Get the nanny to go back to basics. Try not to picture her as sad/asking for help falling asleep, think of it as helping her relearn her a super valuable skill she will use form here on out. Good luck!
OP says
Thank you all for your advice and kind words. I’m dealing with PPD/PPA so I’m trying not to overreact as is my tendency. I’m going to try to get nanny to take a consistent approach and then just take it one day at a time. Luckily she is sleeping 12.5 hours at night so I know she’s not completely sleep deprived. Now to try and figure out how to concentrate on work.
octagon says
My kid Did Not Nap for the first seven months in daycare, until he moved to the walking-toddlers room at age 1. He would take 5-10 minute catnaps here and there but otherwise had such severe FOMO that he just won’t let himself sleep. They managed it. He was a tired dude at the end of the day, but we had easy bedtimes and he was sleeping 12 hours overnight.
You hired the nanny to take care of her. It’s not the end of the world if she doesn’t nap, I promise. Let the nanny figure it out. Hugs, this will pass.
Anon says
Late in the day so you might not see this, but the darkness or lack there of could be a factor. When we go somewhere, we always put black garbage bags over the window because the shades/curtains are never as dark as the ones in my daughters room. It’s not the nicest looking thing if you’re looking from the outside, but it buys me a successful nap when at my parents/on vacation.
Anon Lawyer says
I just planned a beach vacation for when I’ll be 18-19 weeks pregnant. Anyone have suggestions for swimsuits? I don’t know that I’ll need an “official” maternity swimsuit at that point (I’m currently 14 weeks and not showing at all), but something with some extra stretch would probably be good? I think I’d prefer a one-piece.
Anon says
Were you the one who posted about Hawaii yesterday on the main page? Where did you end up deciding to go? And congrats! No advice about swimsuits, I just wore two pieces and sized up in tops so I never bought anything officially labeled maternity.
Anon Lawyer says
Thanks! That was me. Ended up booking on Kauai – it came together really quickly; my aunt is a travel agent and found a good deal. It’s not a resort-y place but it seems like it’ll be relaxing and not take a lot of work on my part which is all I wanted. :-)
Anonymous says
I went on a beach trip around 18 weeks, and wore a long-torso suit from Boden that was previously a little big big for me. It worked perfectly.
Anonymous says
I would think a regular suit that has a little ruching would work well. There are some maternity suits that might also work but just be a little big, but then you could continue wearing them all summer. I had a tankini style top from Old Navy that I used when I was about 20 weeks and it wasn’t crazy big. https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=417908002&cid=1077153&pcid=65081&grid=productSearch_12_92_1
Anon says
I prefer tankinis and I happened to find a non-maternity suit at Target with a flowyish top. Bonus that it was fairly low cut so it made nursing easy the next summer.
Anon says
We did a beach/pool vacation when I was roughly 20 weeks pregnant. I still felt okay in a bikini and didn’t want to spend $$$ on a special maternity suit, so I went to Athleta and bought a supportive underwire bikini top and bottoms with good coverage one size up. It worked well and I wore the suit for another year when I was still losing the baby weight.