Let’s talk about weaponized incompetence, readers — do you feel like it’s “easier” to do a lot of parenting or household tasks yourself since your spouse will either do them poorly (possibly on purpose) or need a lot of guidance and supervision to do the task? This has been in the air lately (here’s a great InStyle article summarizing a lot of TikToks on the topic).
{related: how to get help when you’re “the default parent”}
I was rereading some of the stories and comments on our posts about sharing parenting duties, such as our peak-shutdown article on sharing “work time” (i.e., who gets to work, and when, when both parents are home with the kids “sheltering in place” due to COVID). SO MANY READERS commented, to some extent, that their husband “wasn’t good” at virtual school / serious child supervision (i.e., not “weekend dad fun” supervision).
{related: how to share parenting duties with your spouse}
(I will admit to somewhat thinking the same thing — part of the reason I took the particular “mom shift” I did was because it involved a lot of “work on your own time” where my then-first-grader was expected to produce journal entries and complete 15 minutes of online programs in math and reading … and my husband never quite managed to steer our son towards those work products.)
This all comes back to something that I’m not sure we’ve ever talked about: weaponized incompetence. This is where your partner is seemingly so bad at doing some task(s) that you think it’s “easier” to just do it yourself.
{related: how to share emotional labor as parents}
Here’s the definition on “weaponized incompetence” that InStyle used, quoting TikToker @thatdarnchat:
“Doing a care task poorly so your spouse will pick up the slack, asking 100 questions about how it’s done, never really learning how to do a domestic task well. All of these things take up the default domestic engineer’s time and mental energy and keep those tasks on the DE’s [domestic engineer] mind! It does not lighten the load to do a task poorly!”
If you’re, um, me, then this looks like assigning your husband tasks like dishwashing, paying bills, picking up pre-ordered groceries and library books, doing laundry — but you’re the one who ends up ordering all the groceries and other items, putting the laundry and groceries away, ordering new clothes and putting away or giving away old clothes the kids have outgrown, assessing major financial questions (investments, mortgage refinance, wills, whatever), and… other tasks. Oh and my husband is totally the one who vacuums; the stock photo I used here would be the reverse in Casa Griffin.
{related: here’s what happened when I tried to use virtual assistants to delegate family tasks}
In fairness to my husband, I tend to enjoy the other tasks a lot more, and I am forever grateful to him that he volunteers to make all family-related phone calls. (I haaaate the phone.) But sometimes he makes appointments for the kids at like 11 a.m. on a Tuesday after a holiday weekend, and it’s news to him that we’ll have to remember to tell the teachers like a full week in advance AND remember to go to the appointment. (Am I the only one who stinks at remembering tasks the day immediately after a holiday weekend? Or, um, any weekend?) So it’s not “incompetence,” per se, but more “I would have done that differently but I’m still happy he’s the one who dealt with the phone call.”
(The very idea that you have to assign household tasks comes back to the idea of the default parent and “mommying your husband.” We’ve discussed before the idea that for equitable parenting you need an equitable split, with clearly delineated “your/mine” tasks — but someone needs to come up with a list of all the tasks and then split them up. There’s an interesting deck of cards based on the book Fair Play (I haven’t read it — thoughts, readers?) that breaks those tasks up — but it looks like they’re sold out right now.)
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I think “weaponized incompetence” is an interesting term for it — I immediately recognized it when I heard it but I think it also implies an ill will that isn’t always there. With my husband, I truly doubt he’s cackling to himself about how he’ll get out of work by doing it poorly — it’s just work that maybe is outside his wheelhouse. Another interesting side discussion would explore why this is the case, although we can comically reply, “patriarchy!” It’s outside his wheelhouse, it’s in MY wheelhouse — what part of my life or upbringing has better prepared me for these tasks? Is it just the way my mind works, where I tend to be a 10,000-tabs-open-at-all-times kind of girl? (On the flip side, my husband’s upbringing was decidedly not patriarchal; his feminist mom was often the breadwinner, and as a single child he started doing laundry and household tasks as early as nine years old. His dad is a thoughtful, liberal guy who wouldn’t knowingly perpetuate the patriarchy.)
{related: Fair Play’s marriage advice on conception, planning, and execution}
I know she’s out of vogue right now, but the whole conversation brings to mind Sheryl Sandberg’s anecdote from Lean In about husbands and diapers, where she talked about it as “maternal gatekeeping” — and, yeouch, right now kind of does read like she’s blaming women for this…
As women must be more empowered at work, men must be more empowered at home. I have seen so many women inadvertently discourage their husbands from doing their share by being too controlling or critical. Social scientists call this “maternal gatekeeping,” which is a fancy term for “Ohmigod, that’s not the way you do it! Just move aside and let me!” When it comes to children, fathers often take their cues from mothers. This gives a mother great power to encourage or impede the father’s involvement. If she acts as a gatekeeper mother and is reluctant to hand over responsibility, or worse, questions the father’s efforts, he does less.
Whenever a married woman asks me for advice on coparenting with a husband, I tell her to let him put the diaper on the baby any way he wants as long as he’s doing it himself. And if he gets up to deal with the diaper before being asked, she should smile even if he puts that diaper on the baby’s head. Over time, if he does things his way, he’ll find the correct end. But if he’s forced to do things her way, pretty soon she’ll be doing them herself.
WOW. Kind of glad I looked that one up, since all I remembered was something about if your husband puts the baby’s diaper on his head, just let him make the mistake and be happy he’s doing it. (Although it begs the question — if that baby has a blowout while you’re nursing him on the couch, are we really so happy that someone else put the diaper on incorrectly?)
If we’re talking about terminology, “maternal gatekeeping” definitely feels more “It’s all your fault, ladies!” and “weaponized incompetence” is actually preferable to me.
{related: the Corporette discussion on Lean In}
But that’s one solution, I suppose — lower your standards to your husband’s level, which in effect forces him to raise his if they’re too low.
I don’t know, readers, what are your thoughts? Did you recognize the term “weaponized incompetence” when you heard it? How have you been dealing with it in your household? What are your thoughts on maternal gatekeeping? (I’m still shaking my head and laughing at that expert.)
Stock photo via Deposit Photos / AndreyPopov.
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Anonymous says
“Weaponized incompetence” is a good term for what happens in my workplace. Accounting, grants management, IT, instructional technology, communications, and other support departments refuse to do their jobs properly, or at all, which means that those of us doing the substantive work are also forced to handle these functions on our own. It is horribly inefficient and stressful, takes time away from the substantive work, results in products of lower quality, and ultimately makes us less competitive.
Anonymous says
Agree. I see this happening in the workplace.
my husband is like this with some household tasks but not because he is actively getting out of it because he does it less often. Arguably I do the same thing (please don’t ask me to go anywhere a running toilet or the lawnmower). Specialization of labour is also a good thing.
I have only seen “weaponized incompetence” in the workplace where people fail to contribute to projects because they are hard (e.g keep missing deadlines until there is no solution but to do it yourself).
Anonymous says
I agree that this happens in many contexts. At home, in the workplace, etc. I saw a Black activist claim that white women deploy weaponized incompetence in activist spaces and I think they had a point too. People come in and say they want change but are unwilling to sit and listen and learn from the people who have been doing the actual social justice work for years.
Anonymous says
Nah, activism has a whole different dynamic. In that space white women are required to wait to be told what to do, which is usually to go eff themselves and be sorry for existing.
Anon4This says
SMH – really? We’re going to make White Women the victims?
Anonymous says
Way to prove the Black activist’s point. Seriously, the tone of your comment is the same way incompetent Dads respond when told they aren’t pulling their weight at home.
AnonM says
Check yourself. This comment is outrageous. Highly recommend No White Saviors on IG if you want to learn and push yourself to be a little more self aware. This kind of comment shouldn’t be tolerated in a space for all working moms.
anonM says
“Weaponized incompetence” — the term sounds so harsh, but I guess it is sometimes. I think maternal gatekeeping is real, but so it weaponized incompetence. I see this with much more than just childcare. For example, my grandfather thought he was making some big confession after my grandmother died when he admitted to us what we all knew — that he pretended not to know his way around the kitchen (like, literally pretending to not know where spoons were) because he wanted her to cook. YEAH, WE ALL KNOW GRANDPA. My DH and I both do similar amounts of work around the house, but it ends up fairly stereotypical — he does a lot of yard work/home improvement, I do the kids clothes etc. But there’s some gatekeeping on both ends. Ex: If it were up to him, he’d buy 10 of the same/similar outfits every season and just immediately donate them after. There’d be no saving certain outfits for neices or separating out for so-and-so’s kid, no searching for specific outfits based on kids’ interest. And I like that. Conversely, I’d hire a handyman to hang up frames sooooo…..maybe I’ll do some introspection here.
My pet peeve on maternal gatekeeping/weaponized incompetence is when friends are unavailable around LO’s nap times, or bed times, or basically ever because “DH doesn’t know how to get them to sleep.” Nope nope nope. Like, one of the two of you is being unreasonable here if at 1yo both parents can’t be responsible for a nap or bedtime once a week. Ugh.
Anonymous says
I really hope this is a generational thing that is dying out. It’s basically how my dad has operated my entire life so my mom did basically everything. Luckily my husband wouldn’t dream of it (and actually accuses me of doing with with dish-washing. I don’t do a bad job on purpose I swear!).
Anonymous says
My husband still does it, but only to get out of reading instruction manuals.
Anonymous says
I think the maternal gatekeeping around bedtime is not because the mom thinks the dad is incapable of putting the kids to bed, but because the mom is clingy and wants to believe that the kids need only her.
C says
What is with all the toxic comments today! You need to work this out with your therapist
Anon says
If I’m being honest there’s some truth to this for me. (Not bedtime specific). But certain things I want to be the one to do- dr appts, school orientation, etc. Idk I do wonder with some of my friends how much is their husbands being crappy and how much is helicopter mom/micromanaging. Hard to tell from the outside tbh.
EDAnon says
I think it’s the use of clingy that touched a nerve.
I agree that there are things I like to do, but sometimes my husband comes anyway because he wants to be engaged/involved (like school orientations). It doesn’t always have to be either/or.
Anonymous says
I employed maternal gate keeping around DD’s bedtime routine when DD was a baby because when left up to my then-husband, he would hold her upright as he worked on the computer and she would fall asleep by staring at the screen until she could no longer keep her eyes open. To this day, she still has trouble getting herself to sleep. Sometimes maternal gatekeeping is about keeping precious moments to one’s self. But other times it is to save yourself the trouble.
anon says
My husband doesn’t do this (former single dad and proud of his ability to take care of kids/cook/handle stuff) but man my kids do, ha.
GCA says
Ha, yes, my kids do this. And then I say ‘have another go at sweeping the floor/ tidying your room, more practice is good for you’.
EDAnon says
I had that same thought!
anon says
The stuff that drives me nuts is the lack of multitasking. My husband is great about happily watching the kids. He’s great about cleaning the kitchen and picking up. But if he’s watching the kids, then the house is a disaster. He has zero ability to clean up while watching the kids (nor does he understand why this is a problem). It doesn’t even occur to him to have the kids put their stuff away or to clear up the lunch plates.
It’s the same with educational stuff. If I stay home with a minorly sick kid, I make sure they do something educational during the day. A math game. Some reading. Pull out a building set from their birthday. Nothing major, but something. If he stays home with the sick kid, they only watch TV, eat junk, and the house is a disaster too). It really feels like leaving a 12 yo boy in charge.
EDAnon says
My husband is good on sick days, but he similarly struggles with cleaning up while watching the kids. He will do it eventually but I don’t get it! It only takes a second.
SC says
I have a “joke” with DH that he makes better sandwiches than I do. That’s my own personal “weaponized incompetence,” but also (1) he puts a lot of effort into the details of sandwich making that really do make a difference, and even knowing that, I can’t be bothered, and (2) a sandwich tastes better when someone else makes it for you.
In general, I try to challenge myself by asking, What would I do if I couldn’t just wait for DH to do this? Sometimes, the answer is that I’d hire a professional, or that I’d just replace a broken item, and I just accept that answer and tell DH that I appreciate him. It’s OK to rely on each other’s strengths. Often, the answer is that I’d drag out the ladder and tools, or look up how to do the thing on YouTube, or find another way, and then I try to do the thing myself.
EDAnon says
I had this same joke with my mom as a teenager.
Anonymous says
Sometimes, I ask my husband to make something from the freezer for dinner, and throw out a few suggestions. He has made them ALL. And then said “well, I figured we had to eat them sometime.”
loser of socks says
So I did this by accident. I used to do my husband’s laundry along with mine and my son’s. Somehow I kept losing my husband’s socks, so he eventually told me that he’d just start doing his laundry himself. Works for me!
Anon says
Hahah! One of my all time fav professors told us about how she accidentally bleached her then-new-husband’s load of work clothes and how it was the best mess up ever because he continued doing all the laundry.
Anon says
I think “weaponized incompetence” implies too much intentionality and ill will. Maternal gatekeeping also implies women are control freaks who don’t actually want help. We all just need to cut each other slack. We all have a lot of pressure and too little time, and we default into roles that are familiar to us. Do I want to replace the car battery or fix our sprinkler system (things my husband does), no I really do not. Expecting our spouses to share all the same duties as us is just unrealistic. Sure, find some areas to compromise but don’t dwell to long on keeping score because part of marriage is just enduring disappointment and accepting differences. People don’t often admit that, but it’s true.
cheerfulpm says
One issue I’ve always had with the concept of maternal gatekeeping is that in shift parenting situations, the spouse who bumbles through something, doesn’t have to be the one to deal with the consequences of a poorly done job. In the diaper on the head example, if the husband changes a middle of the night diaper, but then leaves for work at 6am, then who has to deal with the wet clothes, wet sheets, and the added laundry and cleanup? Sure you can tell him what happened, but how to do that without “blaming”?