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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anonymous says
<3 to the other DC moms this morning who didn't have a plan in place yet for the first winter snowstorm and whose kids cried because they didn't have snow boots that fit!
Mama Llama says
Ha, glad to know I’m not the only one!
DLC says
Yes! My son is wearing snow boots three sizes too big because that is all I could find in his sister’s hand me down bin.
Anon says
That happened in Chicago last week. My poor kids had no boots, snow gloves, or snow pants that fit. Emergency order from Children’s Place later, and they were set for the snow today.
EB0220 says
Fun times! We’re in NC so only getting cold rain today but we tried on all of our snow clothes Tue just to be safe. Forgot the boots though! Will do that this weekend.
octagon says
I was so proud of myself for ordering some at the beginning of the week for snow this weekend! They are supposed to arrive today. Womp, womp.
Anonymous says
We sent our toddlers to daycare in sneakers…
Redux says
Upstate NY here: kid is wearing her rainboots until Amazon delivers on Monday, sorry, kid!
Spirograph says
2/3 of mine were in rain boots, but the oldest’s snow boots still fit!
Other highlights from this morning:
– One kid was so excited that she went outside with no mittens, came back crying after 5 minutes that her hands were cold, didn’t understand the cause and effect.
– Kids wanted to help wipe the snow off the car, which resulted in one swiping all the snow onto the other one’s head. Cue more tears
– One kid left his coat at school yesterday (couldn’t find it at pick-up) so he was outside in a windbreaker layered over a fleece.
Thank goodness the after care program is still open normal hours even when the schools are delayed or closed, and thank goodness the closing notice came after the daycare had already opened following the original delay.
Anon says
My kid cried because I shoved her in snow boots (that did fit) and made her go outside so I could get cute first snow pictures. So I’m not sure there is a way to win. Glad I decided to stay and work from home today because we have 5+ inches already and that would be a miserable commute.
DLC says
First snow day of the year! Woot!
Ok, so I’ve gotten approval to bring my 6 year old into work – any suggestions for things to keep her occupied while in the office with me? There may be some screen time at the end of the day, but I can’t really give up my device to her for the full day. We have coloring and Barbies, but if anyone else has other things that they do with their kids at work, I’d love fresh suggestions!
Anon says
Taking kids into work is my nightmare. One Saturday I had to go in and my DH was traveling. I brought the Chromecast with me and set them up in a conference room. Streamed Netflix from my phone on the conference TV, let them build sculptures out of office supplies, and color on the dry erase boards. That only got us to a half day, and then I was able to go home. But it was hard. Good luck today.
Anon in NYC says
Are she able to do “tasks” for you, like making copies, without interfering with your coworkers? Do any of your coworkers have toys – like those Newton’s Cradle things – on their desk that you can borrow for a little while? These might be horrible ideas, but just trying to come up with some out of the box suggestions.
Redux says
Do you have a dry erase board in your office?
Anonymous says
My assistant found a huge box and handed my kid a bunch of colored pens and highlighters and flags and told him to make something. So he turned it into a car and was pretty happy to play with that for a while.
Betty says
I bring my kids (5 and 7) into the office on occasion. Big winners for us include: playing with office supplies (sticky notes, flags, highlighters, markers, paper, scissors), water wow, new coloring books, making a fort with office chairs and scarves, picnic on the office floor, and screen time.
DLC says
These are great suggestions! I hadn’t thought about the “embrace the office environment” tactic, but you guys are right that that the novelty of being in the office might be the most interesting thing for the kid.
AnoninBigLaw says
Another suggestion I had heard from other lawyers is if your 6 y.o. wants to do “work” is to do something like give them a memo or brief and ask them to circle all the sight words. If she’s already a great reader/writer, give her some writing prompts, e.g., “Your friend is deciding between purchasing X or Y toy. Pick one and explain the reasons your friend should pick that one.” She can then present her arguments to you when she’s done writing it. Kids love feeling like they get to do the kind of work that you do.
Birthday Etiquette says
Help with birthday party invitations, please. My kid is only 2 and I really do not want gifts at his birthday party. We are doing a super casual, morning playground and donuts thing with 8 kids. I want to put No Gifts on the evite but my husband thinks that’s more tacky – help! Thoughts on how to phrase it and if it’s ok to say no gifts? Thanks.
Anon says
I’ve gotten several that say “Please no gifts – just your presence!” or “Please no gifts, just come have fun!”and haven’t thought they were tacky at all.
GCA says
It’s perfectly ok to say ‘no gifts please’ (you don’t need to elaborate) but not to say ‘we’d rather get a museum membership’ (that would be tacky). Some people will insist on bringing a gift – maybe that is how they show love, but that’s about them.
Anonymous says
I think it’s fine to say no gifts but I think everyone will bring gifts anyway.
octagon says
WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?
It is so frustrating. I try to honor the host’s wishes but on more than one occasion we’ve been the only people to show up without presents.
Anonymous says
Do people really not honor this? My three year old is just getting to this stage, and I would totally honor this request. I plan to make this request in the future and will be pretty annoyed if a bunch of gifts still show up. Thoughts?
AIMS says
I cant bring myself to show up completely empty handed but I limit myself to a card and whatever can fit in a card like some stickers or temp tattoos. But most of the time, there are still physical presents at the party.
Redux says
We have both hosted and attended “no gifts” parties and people definitely complied (at least the daycare friends complied– aunts, uncles, granparents brought gifts). We usually bring a homemade card to those parties. Some people gave us a sheet of stickers or something in the card, but everyone was happy to comply, in my experience! A new trend in our friend group is to collect canned/dry goods to donate to the local shelter and that has been a hit.
Anon in NYC says
This is usually what we do – a card + stickers inside the card.
Spirograph says
We always do no gifts, and it’s the norm at our daycare. People comply, and it’s great. Family and family friends often bring gifts to the parties, but the school friends either have handmade cards or card+stickers.
Mama Llama says
I have found that people usually comply. I’m in the Maryland suburbs of DC, and at my daughter’s last birthday (4 yo) there were about 15 kids and I think 2 brought gifts. We always bring a homemade card decorated by my daughter for no gifts parties.
Mama Llama says
We’ve probably gone to or hosted at least 20 children’s birthday parties, and only one of them did NOT say “no gifts” on the invitation.
anon says
totally ok to say no to gifts. people are more likely to comply if you ask them to make a donation somewhere in lieu of gifts
Anonymous says
That backfired on us. We ended up with a gift and a donation from nearly everyone, which ironically included the family that we originally got the “donation in lieu of gifts” idea from.
Anonymous says
No don’t do this. “No gifts” is fine but asking for a donation is tacky.
Cb says
I’d put it on there and think you might have decent luck due to your birthday party format (which sounds awesome!) People will know that it would be difficult to store or open gifts at the play park.
DLC says
This is ‘t quite the same as “no gifts”, but for my kids’ first couple of birthdays, we did a diaper drive for the local diaper bank. On the invite we say, “[Child’s name] has everything he needs, but there are many other babies who don’t. In lieu of presents, we are accepting donations of diapers, wipes, and formula for our local Diaper Bank. You can read more about their mission here: [link to website].” The really close friends will sometimes a thoughtful small gift, but everyone else brings something for the Diaper Bank, and some even made financial contributions in his name.
I did find that once they were four, my kids cared about the presents, so I just limited the number of guests and made sure they wrote their thank you notes.
Anonymous says
Totally fine and not at all tacky. Alternatives I’ve seen are to bring a small toy or book for an exchange (no party favors, and everyone gets to bring and go home with a little present), or to bring an animal toy donation to a local animal shelter (maybe more fun and easier for kids to understand than a financial donation or a diaper bank donation).
Anon in NYC says
Is this for school friends? It’s very common amongst my kid’s preschool friends to note “no gifts” on a birthday party invitation.
AnotherAnon says
Need some advice. I’m looking for strategies: 1) to communicate clearly in an ongoing conflict and 2) to help someone who hates scheduling be better at scheduling.
I took a new job about six months ago. It was a long commute for me, and DH didn’t like our neighborhood, so we sold our house and moved close to my work. Now DH has a longer commute, but his job is flexible: some weeks he works 45 hours and some weeks he works 20 hours. Other than having to teach night classes occasionally, he can set his own schedule. I put our LO (20 mo) in Montessori school, and I really love it, but the hours are 8:30-4. I work a 40 hour week, so I thought it would work to have DH drop off and me go into work early so I can do pick up, but lately DH has had a bunch of stuff come up: like yesterday he went hunting and this morning he went to breakfast with his friends, so I have to do drop off AND pick up. Every time I try to have a “this isn’t working for me” convo, he throws it in my face how much help he does with the kid (like that’s not a normal part of being a parent) and implies we should put kid in 6-6 day care (which I tried when we first moved here – it was a nightmare). Full disclosure, LO has been in full time day care before so I’m not against it at all – I just really like Montessori and want to find a way to make this work for us but feel like I’m the only one putting any effort into it.
octagon says
Start from “I want to find a way to make this work.” You had an agreement (yes? Or did you just assume?) that you could go into work early and he would do dropoff. So if he can’t do dropoff, what happens? You are frustrated being the default. Can you hire someone to come 3x a week and do dropoff? Can DH work it out with you so that if you do dropoff, he does pickup? Is there an aftercare option (somewhere, if not at the school)?
FWIW, there is no way that I could make an 8:30-4 schedule work for school and still hit my hours at work. If the nature of DH’s work is that some weeks are going to be 45 hours and overlap with school times, then you just have to have a third party picking up the slack.
(And I will say that I cringed because you did dropoff because he was meeting friends for breakfast. He couldn’t have gone late to breakfast after dropoff?)
Anonymous says
Yeah agreed. It may be that he is right. You need daycare, or childcare.
AIMS says
Hunting and breakfast with friends are not things that come up. Doctor’s appointments and work meetings come up. Hunting and breakfast are things you want to do and that you generally sacrifice doing when you have to do kid drop off. I think he needs to realize that distinction and you have to make his doing drop off non negotiable absent an actual work conflict. He also has to learn that helping isn’t special. The expectation is that he does his share. Tell him that you like the school, she’s staying in the school because it’s good for her and the other one wasn’t, him continuing this behavior could cost you your job and let him figure out how that would work. Unless he wants to pay (and find) someone to do his part for him, he will just have to sacrifice a little, like every other parent out there.
Delta Dawn says
+1, his behavior is not acceptable. Hunting and breakfast were completely optional. He shirked his responsibility to your child and to you so he could go have playtime. Why does he think his dropoffs are optional but your pickups are not? What would he do if you told him “Oh, you have to do pickup tonight because I’m getting my nails done. And tomorrow because I have happy hour.”
Also, the word “help” is a four letter word in my house. DH and I had an argument when the first baby was born in which he wanted credit for how much he “helps” me with the baby. I LOST MY ISH. I told him that he’s not “helping” me do a damn thing, and this is his baby as much as mine, and I am not the default parent who is graced with the benevolent “help” of a do-gooder husband who wants a pat on the back for DOING HIS JOB. Parenting is your husband’s job as much as yours.
So, you said he throws it in your face how much he is helping. I think you should point out that he’s not helping. He’s parenting. His statement that he is “helping” you assumes that this is all your burden. It assumes he can pick and choose when to save the day (when it is convenient with his hunting and breakfasting schedule). My point is you should reframe “helping” for him and explain to him that it should not be part of your family vocabulary. No one’s parenting duties are optional.
Anonymous says
I think what you have to do is plan each week during the weekend, and once duties are set, they’re set. That way you can look at your week in advance and plan out what (and when) you’ll need for working time. Agree in advance that certain types of meetings/classes are first priorities (as opposed to meeting friends).
Also, something that is helpful in our house that just happened naturally…if one of us can’t do our pick up or drop off, there is always a trade involved. Husband drops off and I pick up. If we can’t (unless one of us is OOT traveling), then we trade. So the parent who is cancelling picks up something else to make it fair. Usually we just trade duties for the day, but it could be a different time that week.
Anonymous says
Same anon…Also adding, that while I 100% understand your frustration, I also get your husband’s frustration. Presumably if kiddo was in a 6-6 daycare, he would have dropped off before breakfast (maybe not hunting – depends on the situation). I work out when kiddo is at daycare, so if I lost that time because of a shorter school day, it would be pretty rough for me. I think it is definitely valid to take the position that Montessori isn’t a high enough priority to rearrange the rest of your lives for it.
Anonymous says
Is drop off his job or not? “I don’t do drop off you want to go hunting you figure it out.”
Walk out the door without your child.
Em says
Gently, I don’t think what you are asking of him is reasonable, with the caveat that him throwing everything he does with the kids in your face is not appropriate or fair. It is reasonable for you to want to do Montessori, but he has indicated that it is not a priority for him, so if he occasionally has conflicts that make him unavailable to do pick up and drop off, I think you need to be willing to do both every once in awhile. If he was saying he was unwilling to ever do drop off, I would agree that you would be the only one putting any effort into making Montessori work, but it sounds like he is doing the majority of the drop offs. Conflicts come up, and it isn’t reasonable for you to ask him to never have anything going in the morning. You need to be willing to be flexible or you need to consider care that has longer hours. Those hours are really hard and limiting with two working parents. He has indicated that the hours are not working for him by asking that you switch to 6-6 care, which objectively is a reasonable request, and you don’t want to do that, which is fine. But that puts the burden on you to make the Montessori hours work, even if that occasionally means that you have to do both drop off and pick up.
Anonymous says
I agree with this. Also, on the days that you do both, maybe you can agree he’ll do some other home/child tasks at a different time of day to make sure you’re able to make up the work hours that evening or early morning.
AIMS says
I’m surprised by this. OP said the other daycare with longer hours was a nightmare and this is really working for the kid and the stuff that’s come up is completely discretionary personal “fun” stuff, not work conflicts. I have a similar situation where Mr. AIMS’s schedule is more flexible than mine and we’ve had to learn to navigate that issue because I used to assume he could do stuff that he really couldn’t just because sometimes it worked out (like take a half day, etc.) but it’s not because he wanted to go play golf or meet up with his friends instead. I think I would totally agree with the responses taking husband’s side in this if he was having work conflicts, but to me this sounds like he’s annoyed he doesn’t get to enjoy his schedule the way he wants and she’s trying to do stuff to benefit their kid. Anyway, just wanted to say that I appreciate the variety of perspectives here even if I don’t always agree with them – it’s really valuable to see how others view a situation.
Anon in NYC says
I agree with you AIMS. I personally would be fine with my husband occasionally having a personal, not work-related, thing that prevents him from doing drop off or pickup. But I would be frustrated if it were multiple days in a single week or becoming a regularly irregular event (if that makes any sense. If it were a standing Wednesday event, okay. But a Monday here, or a Tuesday, Thursday + Friday there = no good). AND I’d be irate if my husband threw out a “you are so lucky that I help you so much” attitude.
OP, I recently took a more demanding job and can no longer do pickup, which was my responsibility. My husband has been handling all drop offs and pickups lately, which is a huge burden on him. Our solution is to pay a teacher a few times a week to take kiddo home so that DH can work a little later.
Anonymous says
I am with you. If full-time day care wasn’t working for the child, and OP’s husband agreed to switch the child to Montessori and handle drop-offs while OP changed her work schedule so she could do pickups, then he needs to suck it up and actually do drop-off. A flexible work schedule does not entitle him to renege on the drop-off commitment so he can go have fun with his friends. It might be reasonable for him to ask OP to swap drop-off and pickup with him once in a while with sufficient notice, but that’s not what’s happening here.
Anonymous says
This. Once the decision is made together, both parties need to commit to making it work.
Anonymous says
I’m the 10:56 Anon. I think I have more sympathy to husband, because I am in a similar situation to him. That said, kiddo being at school from only 8-4 (ish) is a big priority in my life. I have a lot of flexibility and work early morning (5-7 AM) so that I can then work out and run an errand or two during the school day and still pick kiddo up on time. Especially this time of year – I run outside and don’t feel safe in the dark. I definitely meet contacts for breakfast/lunch/coffee. I’m not 100% sold that “breakfast with friends” is 100% social and not at all networking, but obviously could be wrong. Spouse and I don’t get sitters a lot. We often rearrange work schedules to rely on daycare as our only sitter. It sounds like this is what her husband is doing, too. Only now he’s lost 4.5 hours of time that he used to have each day. That’s a really big adjustment. And if he isn’t sold on Montessori is best, then I can see how it would cause a lot of tension. In addition, I guess I’m assuming that the 6-6 daycare they already tried isn’t the only one around.
I think they need to get on the same page on whether they agree on what the priorities are here – this specific school or some flexibility in their day. Both are valid positions to take, IMO. It’s going to involve compromise, though.
10:56 Anon says
Everyone keeps assuming that they agreed to all of this. OP says “I put our LO (20 months) in Montessori school” and “I really love it”. She also said “she thought” with respect to what the schedule would be…not “we agreed” or “we talked”. OP never once says that she and DH agreed on any of this this or on the same page. It’s all “I”. I really read OP’s situation to be that she made all of these decisions and directed DH what to do without really having a good conversation about whether he was on board, what it would mean for the family and him, etc., etc.
Anonymous says
Seems like a pretty reasonable assumption that most people make childcare decisions together and don’t switch their kids daycare/childcare without talking to their partner.
Anonymous says
I mean, I don’t disagree at all. It just doesn’t read that way to me.
Anonymous says
DH does all drop offs for us. I do all pick ups. We swap 1:1 if there’s an issue with schedules. We give each other at least 48 hours notice of any swap requests unless it’s an emergency. We use grandparents or paid sitters if we can’t make the swap work.
DH makes the kids breakfasts and lunches, I do dinners.
On days I don’t have to pick up, I’ll either catch up on work or grab a drink or coffee with a friend.
His approach to changing a good childcare situation so that he can have breakfast with his friends is not reasonable.
AnotherAnon says
I’m the OP. I really appreciate everyone’s perspective. I think it goes without saying, but there’s a lot of resentment on both sides. I have a few ideas of what I need to do next. Thanks for your thoughts and honesty.
ElisaR says
Good luck OP!
Anonymous says
You guys, I have had a terrible cold/virus since Friday involving fever, cough, congestion, etc etc. Saturday was my birthday. My husband has been recovering from a very serious health issue since Labor Day, which means he can’t do as much around the house, and I’ve generally needed a break for weeks. This week I kept trying to push through and go into work – I might have taken off Monday but school was closed and son and husband were home all day, and work honestly seemed more restful. Yesterday after prodding from my supervisor I finally decided okay, I’m going to take a sick day Thursday. I was fantasizing about watching TV all day. ALONE. Last night husband decided to call in sick too, because he has been feeling worse and really needs to rest. Fine. Then son began vomiting around midnight and repeated hourly until 7 am. So now we are all having a sick day together. Calgon, take me away.
Anonymous says
Ok. But please, next time, just take the sick day. You don’t get credit for being a martyr!
Anon in NYC says
I’m sorry. That’s the WORST. I hope you feel better soon! Please try to hide yourself away for at least a little while and get some solo rest.
Spirograph says
I’ve been there… you get this restful sick-day dream in your head, and then various things just kill it. It’s almost worse than no sick day at all, because it’s taking away something you were looking forward to!
Hope you all feel better soon. Please consider taking another sick day/personal day next week. Yes, it’s a day away from work and the work keeps piling up, but I’m always 2x as productive when I have a day to get out of a funk.
Lily says
Hello ladies. Looking for advice on how to deal with a baby who seems to be sick (daycare standards mostly) a lot. I have burned through my PTO with 1 day left! Same with my husband. Can’t afford to take more time off to stay home with baby unless he is really sick. Two weeks ago, he had a double ear infection, he was home for 6 working days. Which is ok, because he was feeling really crummy. Then he went back to daycare on Monday, and on Tuesday he vomited. So we had to keep him home on Wednesday. All Wednesday, he was fine – no vomiting, no fever, laughing & throwing tantrums :) This morning he got some rash, and husband & I were like what do we do … I think we need some kind of back up childcare … for days when he is not too sick but still can’t go to daycare… have you been in similar situation? Any advice for how to deal with this? We still have the bulk of winter to go through!
Anonymous says
Figure out your back up childcare situation. At that age you can expect at least a couple sick days every month. Try local colleges (nursing/social work etc) as you may find a combination of 1-3 students who are available different days (like Suzie is your back up MW, Lucy T/TH and Jennie on F). Can you call in any family? My aunt was my back up at one stage. Work was okay with me working from home when she was at my house for childcare and I just explained that she was nervous about being alone in case of emergencies but that she was otherwise doing the childcare (I had to fake leave for work and sneak into the basement office so kid didn’t know i was there).
For reference, it’s been pretty common in my experience for kids to get at least one cold/illness a month during the first year of daycare. If it’s any consolation my kid, who was home sick a full week each month during her first 8 months of daycare, has only had two sick days in three years of elementary school.
Anonymous says
Do either of your companies offer back-up childcare (Bright Horizons is the most common option)? Also, there is a daycare in my town associated with a local health system and they have a “barely sick” daycare option for kids who are waiting out a 24hr rule for a fever or something and can’t go to daycare. We never used it, but it seems brilliant.
Anonymous says
In our area there is a whole chain of day cares, mostly associated with hospitals, that offers drop-in sick child care. I have never been brave enough to use it, for fear that my child would catch something even worse, but it’s an option.
Anon says
Ugh- I’m sorry! How frustrating! Can you push back with the daycare on the days that he isn’t super sick? Our daycare has a policy handbook that is actually somewhat accommodating and can be cited if you think the request for pickup is unreasonable. For example, the policy says that they if the child vomits only once and has no other symptoms she can stay. Also, they will usually allow my daughter to stay if she has a very low-grade fever (like the type that isn’t really considered a fever in children). Good luck! It’s such a hard stage!
Anonymous says
I can commiserate– our first winter with twins in day care was non.stop.sickness. The good news is, the next winter will be way better. For now, I wouldn’t feel bad about sending them when they feel crummy but aren’t contagious! I’ve never kept my kids home with an ear infection. I tell day care the reason they’re running the fever, give them their meds at breakfast and dinner, and pack them off. I did the same with a rash once we did a mad dash to urgent care and figured out it was hives. We also do a lot of split days– if we can’t go to day care, my husband goes in and does a half-day from 7-11am, comes home, and I go to work for a half-day.
CCLA says
If you’re in a big city, check out nanny agencies. Also, care dot com has a backup service that we have used in a pinch. I think some employers cover it, but it was also included when we had the annual premium membership (something like $120/year? – definitely worth it for the times we had to call in a last minute sitter). The only time they couldn’t send someone within a couple of hours was when the city was on fire and all the schools were closed so there was super high demand. Generally these caregivers will care for sick kiddos, with just a few exceptions, and even though you’re paying through the nose, it is helpful to know it’s there.
FP says
Do you have any friends who work at an academic medical center? I work for the associated university and there is a sitter directory for all employees. I expected it to be mostly students but there are actually a TON of nurses who list regular weekday availability. This is an amazing option for backup sick child care.
Lily says
Thank you everyone. It’s a tough situation. We have no family around. I will ask for a copy of the policy handbook. And also start looking for back up care. I live in Portland,OR, so there must be some agencies around to provide emergency child care. The university hospital listing sounds great, but I don’t think I know anyone who works in one. But great tip if I ever cross paths with someone like that.
Anonymous says
Due to an unexpected turn of events, we’re suddenly redoing our garage entry/laundry room area. We’ve decided to reconfigure a little to make the entry and laundry room all one big mudroom. What are your best ideas and suggestions? Thanks!
Mama Llama says
A place to sit down for putting shoes on and taking them off. I’m jealous – I would love a mudroom!
Anonymous says
I would maybe check out Chip and Joanna Gaines’ stuff on this front. Their mudroom/laundry spaces always make me wish that I lived in a house that had those sorts of spaces.
Anonymous says
Anyone else love Dear Prudence? Thoughts on today’s letter?
Prudence,
I live in a friendly, family-oriented neighborhood—or at least it used to be until “X” moved in about two years ago. He is withdrawn, is reclusive, and hates children. He leaves the lights off at Halloween and shouts at any children who knock on his door. He’s lodged several complaints about kids coming into his yard without permission and sent notes to everybody warning that he was not prepared to take on any liability for their safety on his property. He’s had particular difficulty with my 7-year-old son, who seems drawn to his home, and he’s gone from complaining to me to saying horrible things to my child. This runs the gamut from telling him that there is no Santa Claus to a detailed description of the crimes of serial killers to an explanation of how animals are butchered for meat. I’m furious, but X insists that the situation is entirely my fault and has warned that the next time my son steps onto his property he will bring charges. Do I have any recourse here? How do I persuade this angry, unpleasant man that harming a child with words is out of order? And what do I say to my son, who is now having nightmares about serial killers and afraid to cross the street?
—Neighbor Hates My Son
Mama Llama says
Why on earth are children still going on this man’s property?
Anonymous says
This. My kids don’t go on other peoples property and I would be annoyed and complain if random kids starting playing on my property without permission.
How is he having these conversations with the kids? Why are kids talking to him? Just tell the kids to stay away from his property.
Anon in NYC says
I love Dear Prudence, and I think this letter writer is bananas. Your kid is trespassing and this man has made it very clear that he does not want that to happen. The man sounds like a crank, to put it mildly, who is telling your kid inappropriate things. Keep your kid away from him / his property!
Anonymous says
I am having a hard time believing that this letter is real, or that if it is real, the letter-writer included the whole story. No reasonable parent would allow her child to wander freely onto this man’s property or to have unsupervised interactions with him. If the letter is real, either the parent is negligent in failing to set and/or enforce appropriate limits on her son’s solo wanderings, or the child has some sort of disability or developmental issue that causes him to wander where he shouldn’t and the parent is failing to manage it appropriately. Either way, the real problem here is the parent.
Third Kid? says
I know we have the Third Kid conversation here all the time. I’m more looking for help analyzing my personal feelings about whether to have a third kid, if that makes sense. I’ve always known I wanted more than one, and I thought I wanted 3 or maybe even 4 (I grew up in a large family with many siblings). Now, with a 3 year old and a 1 year old, I just love these kids so much and think I would be so happy to have a third… especially when they are a little older. I think I would really enjoy it when they are, say, 3, 5, and 7, or so. And my biggest reason for wanting a third is I know I will be glad I have three when they are grown. When I think about Thanksgivings in the future, I always imagine a bigger crowd than just the two I have now. I’ve just always wanted a bigger family.
But. Y’all. BABIES ARE SO HARD. I just don’t know if I can do it again. It is really, very hard on my marriage. I am so tired. The one year old has yet to sleep through the night (which means I have yet to sleep through the night). DH travels a lot for work, and it’s really all I can do to manage the two I have. I know the baby phase is over after a while… but by the time my first baby turned one, I was truly ready to start trying for the second child. The second child just turned one, and I CANNOT IMAGINE having another baby in the next year. It is unthinkable to me. I am borderline miserable right now. I don’t know if my marriage could survive a third, and I fear my quality of life would just plummet.
I think one option is to wait a bit longer… I’m 33 and would like to be done having babies by age 35. DH is 40, which is also a factor. So maybe I could wait another year and feel more capable. But I also don’t want to forget how stinking hard this is now and trick myself into thinking it will be easier next time; it won’t.
I both very much want to have a third and also cannot imagine why I would do that. Simultaneously. Can anyone help me unpack this?
Anonymous says
Separate ‘do i want a kid right now?’ from the decision on having a third kid. I didn’t even consider a subsequent kid until I was two years postpartum. Your body and life need time to recover. In 2-3 years you will only be 35-36. That’s not that old. I wouldn’t worry about an arbitriary idea of being done by 35 tie you down. It’s not like 35 is a magical drop off in fertility. You could have one kid at 35, another at 37 and still end up with 4 kids. You don’t have to decide right now.
I know a couple families with 4 kids where the older two are close in age, then there is a gap fo 3-4 years and another two.
Anonymous says
This. You don’t have to decide right now whether to have a third kid, just whether to have a third kid now.
AwayEmily says
I don’t have a response but I have a 2.5 year old and a 9-month old feel the exact same way about a third (although for me the question is a bit more urgent because I’m 38…).
I asked a Third Kid question a couple of months back and got some amazing, thoughtful responses that swayed me from “probably yes” to “probably no,” largely because of the potential negative impact on my own happiness/stress and my marriage (and the downstream effects that might have on my kids). I wish I could link you to the thread but I am terrible at searching the archives [aside: if anyone has tips for how to search for a past conversation, I would love to hear them].
Seafinch says
You have time! I agree you ought to wait and re-evaluate later. I have no idea why we are so obsessed with having kids two years apart but it is not especially civilized. Mine are 3 years, 2.5 years and 3 years apart and I really see a difference in how much easier it is to adapt. There is also nothing wrong with adjusting your previous vision of your future based on modern realties. I really, really wanted five. I am almost 41 and expecting my fourth and I can’t see how we can get to five. My body can’t handle it, I am afraid of the risks and I would like to stop the financial bleeding related to childcare. It will be a tough nut to swallow..but I have given myself permission to change my vision.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Babies ARE hard! Especially when you also have a toddler or two in the mix. I currently have a 2.5 year old and a 3 week old and it is rough, both just taking care of the baby by myself on my leave and taking care of two at night and on weekends. I think about having 3 in theory but the reality of the first few years sounds like just so much work. And my husband doesn’t travel for work, and I have my parents nearby to help, so I can’t imagine doing that without those factors. I know people say it gets better once everyone is more self sufficient, but then you’ll also have to deal with 3 schedules, 3 sets of teenage dramas, etc. when they are older. People often bring up the Thanksgiving dinner, but I will say that the future is uncertain and your 3 may end up all across the country or world leading their own lives, and not be at your Thanksgiving table… I think the last time my husband had T-dinner with both siblings and their mom was over 5 years ago.
Looking at this, it probably seems like I’m anti 3 – part of it may be the reality I’m dealing with right now in having a newborn + toddler, but I think it’s important to consider the effects of having multiple kids on your personal happiness and your marriage, and not just the hypothetical future where they all get along and everyone is happy (which may happen! but may not).
I do agree that you should wait a few years and see how you feel then. If you and your husband still feel like there is someone missing and are ready to plunge back into the baby/toddler depths, then of course you will be able to handle it. If you don’t have family nearby and have busy work schedules, you should definitely look into a nanny or au pair at that point, to manage all 3.
Anonymous says
Not to encourage you…but I got pregnant with my 3rd when my second (who was-and still is- a hard kid) was 15 months because I hate pregnancy/the baby stuff so much I just wanted to white-knuckle through it. When #3 was born, i started a 2-year clock to normalcy. There were a few times i just had so much trouble. I kept thing-“only 18 more months!” So anyway, my 3rd is 18 months now. 6 months to go! And you know what? I love it- my kids are kindergarten, Preschool and 1.5. Next year they’ll be even easier, and all potty trained. And I know I’m DONE.
Spirograph says
All of this. Mine are are 5, 3 and 2, about 21 months apart. Babies are hard, and baby + toddler is harder, and baby + toddler + preschool is harder still. I knew I wanted 3, maybe 4, and we went with the white-knuckle approach. If I’d really wanted 4, I think 2 close in age, and then a gap before another 2 close in age would have been a better route, because DH is now done, done, done. After nearly 6 years straight of pregnancy/baby/toddler stress, we’ve finally gotten a glimpse of a light at the end of the tunnel, and don’t want to restart the clock.
2 year clock to normalcy is about right. It has been a hard couple years, but around 18 months things really started looking up. Now the end is in sight with potty training, everyone sleeps, they play really well together 80% of the time. It’s definitely controlled chaos, and sometimes I want to cry and tear my hair out, but overall I really love our family and it would feel incomplete without my youngest.
Anonymous says
I’m the anon above with three and I have no regrets about my 3rd. She is so, so easy and really is like the bow on top of our family.
I was trying to compress my out of career focus time and get all babies in before 35 (not because I turn into a pumpkin, but because I was married and young enough and pregnancies are hard on my body- no need to make them any harder by being older). My middle was (is) such a difficult kid that in hindsight, waiting a year would have helped immensely with my overall sanity.
anon says
Okay, so I had huge success with the OK to Wake clock when my twins were in cribs. Problem is, they’re now in toddler beds and still haven’t adjusted to DST. I can’t leave them in their room because my son crawls into bed with his sister and bugs her until she cries out for us to intervene. Is there anything I can do, or are we doomed to early wake ups forever?!
Anonymous says
I’ve used the ‘if you can’t stay in your bed, that means you are not ready for your big boy bed and we will need to bring the crib back’ with great success.
ifiknew says
I’m expecting #2 when DD#1 is 24 months and I’m terrified reading the above. Ugh, #1 was already so hard and having two sounds more than twice as hard, but like you guys all say, the baby/toddler phase isn’t forever.
Anonymous says
I have two boys who are 25 months apart (the baby is 2 months) and it’s hard but it’s awesome. The toddler loves his brother and my second baby is easier. You’ll do great!
Anonymous says
Looking for hard sole shoes for my not-yet-walker. She is cruising, but daycare wants shoes for her to wear when they go outside. I sent crib shoes but they aren’t holding up against the woodchips per teacher. So, where should I be looking? Is it unrealistic to hope to spend little on these? I want shoes that won’t mess up her feet with learning to walk of course.
Anonymous says
We’ve had good luck with athletic shoes. Get a well-respected brand of sneaker. We have the best luck with Nike.
rosie says
We liked the Stride Rite line that is sold at Target (I think it’s called Surprize). See Kai Run is supposed to be a good brand & you can find them at DSW on sale, although I’m not sure if DSW has many options for the really tiny feet (I see 5T as the smallest for many options online, our local store doesn’t stock many 5T).
Anon in NYC says
100% Stride Rite. You can buy a shoe sizing tool on Amazon and measure kiddo’s feet yourself, or take her to a shoe store.
Anonymous says
Baby just turned 3 months. Baby was sleeping 8-10 hour stretches for the last 3 weeks culminating in over 10 hours three nights ago. Two nights ago was 8 hours followed by a bunch of wake ups, then last night was a nightmare of billions of wakeups starting at 10:30 (!!!!! Cannot even remember a wake up before 2). Needed 3 bottles vs usual 1 (would only settle for 15 min without milk). What are the odds that this is (a) a fluke, (b) a growth spurt, or (c) an early 4 month sleep regression? Baby is still swaddled (but escaped one of those times); and he has a little diaper rash. The only other thing I can think of is he just started napping (well!!) in his crib this week but we’ve still been putting him in the almost-outgrown bassinet at night.
Anon in NYC says
tl;dr it could be anything.
My kid always hit sleep regressions a little bit early (not 4 weeks early, but like a week early). There is a 12 week growth spurt, if I recall correctly. He might have the start of a cold. And, although this is probably not it, some kids start teething at 3 months.
If he’s in your room, you might want to consider moving him to his crib. My daughter was in a bassinet in our room until about 8 weeks, when she started to outgrow it. At that point, our only option was the crib in her room so we moved her. She (and we) instantly started sleeping better.
GCA says
Could be anything! Basically the only way to tell is…wait a few nights and see. Or just give thanks for each ‘good’ night you get, which is my MO because my first was such an appalling sleeper I am now actually grateful whenever we get 6-8h out of my 3mo :) I agree though – if he naps well in the crib, why not move him to the crib for night sleep?
Anonymous says
Sounds like growth spurt plus teething – mine started teething early and always got diaper rash when teething.
BabyMom says
I just moved my 4 month old baby from her almost-too-small bassinet to the crib and she started sleeping through the night after waking up 3x a night previously. I would 100% give that a try.
lawsuited says
Our LO did the exact same thing at 12 weeks, just as I was returning to work. We assumed he started the 4 mo sleep regression early, but it might have been a growth spurt bleeding into a sleep regression. He was also in an almost-too-small bassinet and was getting out of his swaddle and startling himself awake. We moved him to his crib which didn’t help much, and then white-knuckled it to 4 months when we could introduce solids and nightwean which helped a little, and then white-knuckled it again to 5 months when we could sleeptrain. FWIW, sleeptraining was very effective when th our LO and he’s slept through the night (unless sick) since about 5.5 mo, so a full night’s sleep may be in your not-so-distant future!
emotionregulation says
Just had a parent-teacher meeting. Teacher again said that my preschooler has some emotion regulation issues, which I know she does, but this just reinforces it. She gets super upset if anything doesn’t go her way, if a kid gets in her space as she is working on something, if a kid bumps into her, with transitions, etc. This exists at home too, and honestly I have heard about it from teachers since kiddo was 2. Both teacher and I think this has gotten A LOT better over the last few months (we have been working on it), but continues to worry me. Teacher said kid otherwise does great, but when I asked she said that she is the only kid that acts this way.
What else can I do to support her? and I can’t help but feel guilty that it’s all our fault.
Anon for this says
We had some similar issues with my preschooler. We took her to be evaluated by a developmental pediatrician. His assessment was nothing diagnosable, but she has some anxiety issues, some sensory issues, and some executive function issues. We met once with a child psychiatrist who gave us some strategies and some book recommendations that have been helpful. We haven’t been back, but it’s nice to know we could go whenever and get some more perspective/advice. All this is to say, it might be worth consulting with a professional. And don’t feel guilty! As our psych said, this is just the way some people are – our kid is probably always going to be a person who hates walking into a party or a noisy place. Our job is to help her manage that as best she can.
OP says
Thank you. I have been thinking about consulting a professional and might just pull the trigger. Husband doesn’t think it’s a big deal so I am hesitant too. Kiddo is also very anxious/fearful, so I am wonder what else might be going on.
Which books did professional recommend / were any helpful?
anon says
My young 5 yo has emotional regulation issues that sounds similar. We started working on it before 2 and we’re still working on it in K. She’s making progress, but it’s a challenge. I keep telling myself that every kid has different challenges and matures at different rates. My kid has many wonderful aspects, but this an area where she needs more practice. She’s made the most progress this year with a sticker chart where she gets a sticker every 30 minutes without an incident. It’s been a commitment, but we’ve seen results and she feels successful.
#solidarity
Sarabeth says
My early-elementary kid is exactly like this. In her case, it’s related to ADHD (or at least, she has ADHD, and her behavior health provider says this is a common symptom). So, maybe worth getting to a professional? I’m sure there are lots of other possibilities, some of which would be part of a diagnosis and others that wouldn’t. But from my perspective, no harm in consulting a pro.
In my experience, an ADHD diagnosis has opened the door to ongoing ‘therapy’ for our kid that is actually mostly parent coaching for us, and it’s been super helpful.
OldHat says
I have a 2 year old and and 3 year old (14 months apart) – and daycare pick up has just been insane for the past few months. Both want to run in different directions. Neither kids wants to listen. Once we get home, at least one of the kids will have a melt down. I’m just fried once I manage to get both in bed. I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong and how I can fix it. I’ve tried being stern (results = tears), I’ve tried giving them a little more freedom (results = both kids running in the parking lot), I’ve even hired one of the workers to help me get them to the car (results = both kids had a fit because they each wanted mommy). Nothing seems to be working. Is this just a particularly hard age combination and I need to power through it?
Anonymous says
It’s the age but a few strategies that helped me were: using a single large bag to put on my back. Both smaller backpacks go in there. Leave two hands free for wrangling. Hold one kid with each hand. Occasional carrying of non-complaint kid. Put compliant kid in car, walk around and strap in non-compliant kid. Walk back around to buckle in compliant kid. Load bag. Favorite stuffies passed out only after buckled into car seats.
As soon as we get in the door at home, sippy cup with water and splash of juice, small snack (same thing everyday to avoid fights), and an episode of Daniel Tiger. I change out of my work clothes and re-orientate myself for the supper/bath/bed routine. Do bath every second night. Each kid just picks one book for reading before bed. Hang in there – age 4 is easier than 3.
AnonAtty says
Also, water and a snack in the car can also help with their mood as they transition home (to prevent the meltdowns once home).
Anon says
We only have a 5 minute commute from daycare to home, but at that age I totally bribed them. I had Oatmeal Creme Pies in my car. If they were “good” (no running away, holding hands in the parking lot, etc) then they got it in the car. If not, they had to wait for home. My kids are super food-motivated so this helped almost immediately.
The snack helped them not be so hangry while they waited for dinner. Also did a cartoon + their dinner milk in a 360 cup as I prepped dinner to help them “zone out” after the stress of behaving all day. (They then had water with the actual meal in case they still needed a drink.)
Anon says
Have you tried giving them jobs? My kids sometimes behave better if they have a task.
EB0220 says
We went through a really hard time with daycare pickup around that age. I actually resorted to putting the younger one in a carrier then going to pick up big sister. And I agree with snacks and water in the car, even if it’s a short drive.