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An.On. says
What are things that you would have liked in a care package for a second pregnancy? She’s also had bad morning sickness, so any OTC remedies that worked for you, let me know!
Postpartum says
The story of the family in Massachusetts where the Mother suffered from Postpartum Psychosis has shaken me. I feel so bad for the Mother, Father, children, extended family. The only hope is that this brings light to the needs of postpartum parents and that help will be provided to all who need it.
Anon says
As a WOC I have mixed feelings. I agree with OP – of course we need more PP resources. of course this is a senseless tragedy.
But I also know, If she was a BIPOC the narrative wouldn’t even be anything about PP support. There is so much proof that WOC – especially Black women – have some of the worst maternal health, maternal mortality, and other related outcomes. On top of that, Black moms have to deal with the realities of things like Tyre Nichols daily happening to their kids and that still is getting no resolution – these things are rarely discussed on this board of liberal working women.
Anonymous says
As a white woman truly don’t know what you’re looking for. I should stop caring about white women because black women have it worse? Start commenting more about an experience that isn’t mine and that I don’t know much about. Why is it either or? Why set it up as a competition? If you want to see more discussion here on any topic, start it.
Anon says
Maybe because of responses like this?
Also, I was just reflecting – as you can see I agree with OP, and wasn’t setting up any type of competition. That’s just the reality of being a BIPOC in this country – you know you and your loved will be treated differently than a white person.
Anonymous says
Idk you said you had mixed feelings which didn’t seem like agreement to me.
Anonymous says
Agreed. This is like when someone tells you sad news, and you try to one-up them with your OWN sad news. It’s rude and inconsiderate, and it doesn’t help anyone. This board has certainly addressed disparities in terms of access, outcomes, etc. for BIPOC women. If you want to open another one of those discussions, then start your own thread.
Anon says
+1. The time to start discussions about important issues isn’t in direct response/reply to sad news about someone else. Saying you have “mixed feelings” in response to someone saying they feel terrible about a death and a family in tragedy is inappropriate – a new thread is a must there.
Anon says
Fair – I’ll do so in the future to foster more discussion around these topics.
Pogo says
just acknowledge white privilege. That’s all. As white women, it’s always spotlighted in media when something horrific happens to us and it’s always in a “oh that poor sweet girl!” kind of way. You know that’s not always the case for WOC.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
THIS.
And as a WOC, what the Anon at 9:54 wrote resonated with me.
Multiple things can be true – what happened in MA is awful. Also, it brings attention to a broader issue that disproportionately impacts non-White women, especially Black women.
I can think of several examples of some similar awful things in communities of color that have happened and not received this flavor or level of attention.
Your thoughts, experiences, and feelings are valid, wherever you decide to post them doesn’t change that. I think in this forum of largely well-meaning professional women, it’s important to continue to raise these things.
Anon says
It’s not a privilege to have suffered postpartum psychosis. White women are not immune from sex-specific conditions and harmful pregnancy outcomes. Do you not get that how inappropriate that conversation is in this moment, on this thread, as a response to someone feeling shaken by an outcome that can happen to any postpartum woman? Just…wow.
anonM says
Anon at 12:41 PM – may I suggest doing some reading on white privilege? If you google “implicit bias test” there are some you can take online. When someone points out white privilege, it’s not saying it’s a “privilege” to have PPD/PP psychosis. PPD is certainly an issue across the board, but pointing out the ways in which various privileges play out with mental health is certainly appropriate. If you’re a straight white cis woman, you’re more likely to have access to a qualified doctor who will take your concerns seriously. For example, take a look at this stat: “Black and American Indian and Alaska Native (AIAN) women have higher rates of pregnancy-related death compared to White women. Pregnancy-related mortality rates among Black and AIAN women are over three and two times higher, respectively, compared to the rate for White women (41.4 and 26.2 vs. 13.7 per 100,000).” 2-3x higher?! Let’s talk about that. It doesn’t mean white women are immune from maternal morbidity or mental health issues, but it does mean that there are disparities. If you claim to believe in equality you have to do you share when it comes to learning about different issues and try to not just react defensively when something is brought up about disparities.
Anonymous says
Instead of saying that no one should worry about white women and this case should not be covered in a sympathetic manner, how about using it to highlight the fact that our flawed and biased health care system failed even the person it was most likely to be able to help?
Anon says
I understand the concept of white privilege – I simply disagree that it has any relevance in this case at this moment. My view is that it is inappropriate to ask a dead white woman, her family, or her supporters to check their privilege because black and AI/AN women have worse maternal health outcomes. You think those conversations go together naturally on this thread. I don’t.
Pogo says
I never said it was a privilege to suffer PPD. I was responding directly to the commenter at 10:01 asking what white women are supposed to do when confronted with our privilege (which is all the commenter at 9:54 was doing). I have been told the best thing to do is simply acknowledge it. I have been told not to tell WOC their lived experience is not valid.
I can’t read about this particular case; I was weirdly close to the last situation of this sort in Boston (in which case the mother and both children died) and it still haunts me very deeply.
Anonymous says
What Pogo said. and More Sleep Would Be Nice. When I read the initial back-and-forth earlier, “both things can be true” is exactly what I thought. As a white woman, I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be a Black person in America and see reflected in media, policy, etc how differently the same thing is discussed when a Black person experiences it vs a white person. I didn’t read the comment at 9:54 as trying to downplay or redirect anything, even though the words “mixed emotions” were used. For me, it was more of a “yes, and” to this particular tragedy.
Anony says
Thank you, Anon. Wishing peace for you and your family, along with Tyre’s family, and this family in Massachusetts. Sometimes it feels like this world is full of unbearable sadness and pain and this white woman is looking for ways to fight it.
Anon says
Thank you for hearing me. I was not trying to insult anyone.
anonM says
Anon at 9:54 AM – thanks for your post. I did not see your comment at all as an insult to anyone or a grief Olympics contest. I really appreciate when there’s some honest discourse here, and perspectives different than my own. Telling people to “go start a different thread” is so unhelpful, rude, and dismissive.
Anon says
I haven’t found that to be true here. I’ve often noticed and appreciated readers calling attention to black-white disparities in maternal health care and outcomes here. It seems to come up on most threads that discuss it. I also work in the field and it is the number one topic at the forefront. We haven’t made much progress on alleviating disparities, but in terms of planning new strategies and opening up new discussions, the field is ALL in.
Anonymous says
Do you read this board? Disparities of treatment and outcomes are certainly a topic of discussion.
anonM says
These comments are getting incredibly defensive. What is the implication here, we talk about these issues sometimes, but don’t bring it up too much or only in the exact way and time I think is ok?
Anon says
No one has argued that in any way. People are justifiably pointing out that it’s offensive and tasteless to respond to a post about a tragedy with “I have mixed feelings/we should care about WOC instead” instead of starting a separate thread. People are also pointing out that there are often discussions about these very issues on this thread. That’s not defensive – it’s a fact, and it’s a good thing too. These issues SHOULD be discussed and I’m glad to say that I’ve seen a lot here over the years.
Anon says
Every time I have posted something about my perspective, I’m told that my experience isn’t correct. I’m sorry if it makes folks uncomfortable but I don’t think a conversation about postpartum can happen without thinking about the entire affected population. It sucks that it always takes a white person to draw attention to these things that communities of color have been challenged with for a while.
I once posted about how growing up with darker skin/hair in the 90s, I was considered other and ugly because the standard of beauty was white and blonde at that time (just look at ads and magazines from that time). Many posters here told me that couldn’t have been the case, and where they grew up I would have been seen as special and unique.
It is exhausting.
anonM says
+1. Anytime anyone brings up something remotely related to diversity in any way it gets so defensive. It reminds me of how some relatives (conservative, white) like to talk about how they believe in the right to protest but just never seem to think the way anyone other than their own group protests is ok. It must really be wearing to deal with this even virtually, on top of real life. I appreciate you making this comment, even knowing that it will likely get some rude comments.
Anon says
It is exhausting. I am a white woman and the defensiveness and unkindness of other (presumably) white women on this board is disturbing. It isn’t less sad that this happened because it is also true that if she’d been a WOC, there would be no coverage or negative coverage. It’s a good thing to point it out. It is a good thing to keep in the fore. It’s baffling that people thing that there isn’t enough space for everyone.
I am embarrassed to be a part of this community when people here act so overtly opposed to thinking of others or validating experiences different from their own. I strongly urge people to feel some empathy and think about how you’d feel if your sister/cousin/friend was a WOC and had this experience. And no one covers your asking for forgiveness for them and few donate to the go fund me (since there was no sympathetic news coverage) and law enforcement comes to your friend’s hospital room and forces her out before she is at all well because she is a criminal.
anon says
I have no sympathy for her whatsoever. Help was of course available to her. She is a wealthy white woman who absolutely had access to medical care and plenty of resources.
Same says
This has shaken me too.
Anon says
Me too. It’s awful to think of. I feel so terrible for the family.
Spirograph says
Me too. What’s most heartbreaking — out of so many things that are heartbreaking — to me about cases like this is the betrayal and confusion those children must have felt. Everyone is a victim in this situation and it’s just so sad that systems failed in preventing the tragedy, and now different systems kick in that will compound it.
Lily says
It makes me feel angry at the husband and the extended family and her doctors. They knew she was sick. Maybe they didn’t know she was psychotic. But why would she be left alone to care for 3 children when they knew she had severe PPD? Those poor children.
Anon says
Did they know? I don’t know anyone who had postpartum psychosis, but a friend of a friend had PPD and died by suicide and no one had any idea she was struggling until she died. Hiding your illness and telling people you’re fine can be part of mental illness. I don’t think it’s fair to blame her loved ones.
Lily says
Yes her husband knew. I don’t know if he knew she was psychotic but he knew she was very sick.
anonamama says
I read that it happened when the husband stepped out to get takeout for dinner. Tragic.
Anon says
People downplay their symptoms to their loved ones all the time and for many families there’s concern about how they’ll make ends meet if the SAHP goes to in-patient care and the co-parent needs to stay at home with the kids. Not justifying anything here, just saying that maybe the extended family didn’t know.
I have a friend who majorly downplayed her PPD to her husband and doctors. She ended up in a treatment program because a mutual friend called CPS and set things in motion that way, after it was clear the children were in danger. But if she hadn’t been vulnerable with friends, no one would have known how bad it was.
Anonymous says
People are also afraid that CPS will take their children if they seek treatment.
Anon says
Which is not an unfounded fear, especially for WOC.
Anonymous says
I’m not sure it’s fair to assume people are always downplaying their symptoms. People who are in the thick of mental health issues don’t always understand the severity of their symptoms, and even when they know something’s wrong, it can be very difficult to articulate. When it comes to postpartum mental health, people are always quick to tell women who are struggling that what they’re experiencing is “normal” or “what they should expect with a newborn,” etc. I didn’t know I had severe PPD/PTSD until my kid was two – literally everyone I talked to told me what I was going through was “normal” – it took me that long to realize myself that something was wrong and search for a therapist on my own.
Anonymous says
OMG you cannot jump to blaming the spouse. There is no evidence that he tried to prevent her from getting treatment or did anything other than his best to get her treatment. Sometimes there is nothing more a spouse can do to fight the system.
Anonymous says
I know there was a discussion similar to this a few days ago. My five year old seems interested in Minecraft. As in, he chose Minecraft themed valentines and chose a Minecraft sticker at the doctor’s office yesterday and seemed to know the character. He does not have access to the Internet (that I’m aware of: possibly at school) or a cell phone. I am not a gamer. Do you have suggestions for 1) how to talk to him about the internet and 2) how to give him some agency without giving him full access to everything? He honestly reminds me of me: lots of black and white “that was bad” and I want to help him understand nuance. I also want to encourage him to talk to me when he sees something questionable.
Cb says
I think lots of 5-year-olds are interested in Minecraft, whether or not they actually play it. My son’s pals are, and I suspect very few of them have access to gaming devices. I think they know it is a thing that the older kids are into. I wouldn’t worry about it for now? I’ve got a 5-year-old and I just explain “that’s for when you’re older!” He knows his dad plays games on his phone, but knows that it’s not for him just yet.
Anonymous says
+1. Same for my almost 6 yr old. (Although he does have access to certain games through his Amazon Fire, so he’s possibly played Minecraft? But not as a social game, as older kids do.) I think my kids first learned about Minecraft through the songs (Pancake Robot, It’s Raining Tacos) although I have no idea how the songs relate to the game. If he’s not pushing the gaming aspect of it, just let him enjoy the Minecraft paraphernalia/culture.
Anonymous says
Is Minecraft really that bad if you don’t allow them to interact with other players? My daughter uses it in some really creative ways.
FVNC says
Agree. My daughter uses it to create houses / castle type things (assuming I’m thinking of the same thing?).
GCA says
Yeah, my 2nd grader does too! He plays in sandbox mode not connected to any other players.
I came across this interview recently and thought it was a thoughtful approach to video games and other forms of screen time: https://courtney.substack.com/p/screen-time-is-dumb
Anonymous says
OP here: I literally didn’t know this was an option. So I guess step 1 is to educate myself. I also think Cb’s read is correct and he’s just using it as a way to connect with friends at school. He only recently discovered Tetris, so maybe he’d be interested in playing Minecraft in sandbox mode. Thanks!
Anon says
Is this normal? DS is 22 months old and was scheduled to have tubes put in this morning at a local hospital. Last Friday, the hospital confirmed the surgery and told us to get there at 645 for a 730 surgery. Yesterday, at 2 pm, I got an automated text telling me the surgery had been moved and now had an 815 arrival time. I called the hospital and said they estimated the surgery being at 1015 now… DS would have to be NPO the entire time. The hospital told us DS’s surgery time had been bumped due to his age– several other kids had been scheduled who were younger than him, so they were moved to be ahead of him. We ended up cancelling the procedure today because we just didn’t not see how DS could be NPO that long. We have to go through our ENT’s office to reschedule the procedure– I left multiple messages with them yesterday and still have not received a call back. I understand some parts of surgery scheduling are unpredictable… but I am appalled that DS (who isn’t even 2 yet) could be asked to be NPO that long. I don’t know who to even be mad at.. the hospital or the ENT. Does anyone have any insight as to whether this was an ENT or hospital problem or whether this is just something normal we have to deal with? We have the option of going to a different hospital with the same ENT, so if I knew that was the problem, it would be an easy fix.
anon says
Did they give you a cutoff for NPO? When my 7-month old had an outpatient surgery she was scheduled for 8:15 because she was young, but was allowed clear liquids up until 5:30. If it’s no food of any sort after 6pm the night before, that is a lot for a 22 month old.
OP says
They told us midnight for NPO. DS normally eats immediately when he wakes up at 7:30, and it is one of his biggest meals of the day. He also normally has a big snack around 9 am… so a 10:15 surgery time would have him NPO for breakfast and a snack at the time of day he is hungriest. The surgery time I was told (until 2 pm the day before the procedure) would have been before he normally eats in the morning.
Anonymous says
Yes this is normal and happened to my 11 month old. The hospital always schedules patients youngest to oldest so he was first, but the ENT had to do an emergency surgery the morning of my kiddo’s tube placement. She was two hours behind schedule and I was left sitting in a surgery prep room with my grumpy, hungry baby. It was not fun, but we got through it. If you schedule with another ENT there’s a chance this could happen again. Since you know this in advance, move his NPO two hours ahead: wake him up at midnight or 2AM and give him milk.
Anon says
Agreed, I think this is unfortunately one of those things you just have to get through for the long-term gain.
Anonymous says
Also, breakfast is our biggest meal and mine normally eats within 2 minutes of waking up, so I definitely get your frustration. My kid was NOT a happy camper. If possible, bring toys to distract him. I know this is frustrating, but you will get through it. Keep in mind that the only people you’re punishing by delaying the surgery further is you and your baby.
Anonymous says
I mean he needs the surgery and the NPO isn’t dangerous so I’d have just done it. Arrive at 8 let him be grumpy at the hospital he will be fine.
OP says
My issue at this point is that we couldn’t get in touch with anyone to talk to about this yesterday, and the hospital nurse essentially told us to reschedule… so we didn’t go today and now we can’t get in touch with anyone to reschedule.
Anon says
Like before canceling yesterday, I tried to get in touch with someone because I wanted to know whether this was a normal thing I needed to just deal with, and no one from my ENT’s office would call us back. The only feedback I could get was from a nurse at the hospital who told me I was right to be stressed about the changing times, etc. and that I could avoid it if I was adamant about not being moved when I rescheduled.
Anonymous says
Yeah sorry this is just how it works. No one has time for that idk what to tell you. Just reschedule knowing that yup this could easily happen again in any hospital with any doctor.
Anon says
Yeah, I know it must be frustrating, but surgical delays are SO common. You’re probably going to be facing this same thing again. Your son will get through the grumpiness and won’t remember it later.
Anon318 says
I’m so sorry you are dealing with this! Yes, the scheduling changes are normal. So normal, in fact, that our children’s hospital won’t give you an arrival time until 5pm the day prior to your child’s procedure. Distraction is key – this is the time for screen time, loads of new stickers, silly songs with motions, etc. Our hospital lets kids bring in a stuffy or lovey, as well. Come prepared with these items even if you get a very early procedure time. My son has had numerous GI procedures over the years, but once or twice the procedure didn’t start until 2+ hours after the scheduled time due to emergencies or other unforeseen circumstances. Call the hospital’s billing department beforehand to make sure they have all the information they need, as well, because they can delay the start time on the day of. Good luck!
Ashley says
FWIW, this seems less likely to happen at an outpatient surgery center. We recently saw an ENT who sees adults and children but does surgeries for both at an outpatient center. There was no such thing as getting “bumped” because they solidify the schedule several weeks in advance and they don’t do emergencies.
SC says
Yes, this is normal and happened when my son had tubes put in his ears at 21 months old. We were told to wake him up at 11:30 to give him milk and a snack, and then no fluids or solids after midnight. We were also told to show up at the hospital at 6 am to check in and were not told that his surgery would not be until after 10 am. So, we waited at the hospital for hours, and my son was begging for food and crying by the time he went down for surgery. It was tough. I suspect the lack of food contributed to a long recovery time as well. We didn’t get to leave the hospital until close to 4 pm.
I suspect that given your kid’s age, which is on the older side for getting tubes, this will happen again even if you reschedule.
Anon says
has anyone been to Sesame Place? thoughts? or is Hershey Park better? this summer we are visiting family outside of DC and will then be driving to stay with my inlaws at their beach house in long island and would love to maybe stop for a night or two along the way to do something fun with the kids. we don’t live on the east coast, but both DH and I grew up on the east coast. and we don’t have many amusement type parks near us and think our kids might like one of them and want to do a Disney trip at some point and feel like this is maybe good ‘practice’
anon says
Hershey Park is much better.
Anon says
How old are the kids? SP is great for the younger crowd.
TheElms says
Is there a reason you were deciding between Sesame and Hershey Park. I’m thinking of taking my just 4 when we go and 1 year old (at the time of the trip) to Dutch Wonderland, which looked pretty fun – but I have no experience with any of them.
OP says
kids will be just 5, but tend to skew younger. was deciding between those two bc i went to both as a kid. Sesame Place is also the most on the way between our two destinations. Kiddos are obsessed with candy, but I am thinking Hershey might be better when they are a bit older given their heights
Anonymous says
Seconding Dutch Wonderland. It’s perfect for 5 year olds. They’ll be able to enjoy and ride almost everything except one or two roller coasters. And the park is a much more manageable size than Hershey — much easier for a day of walking around with little ones!
Anon says
Strong agree on Dutch Wonderland it is perfect for a 5 year old
octagon says
We have been twice and will not go back. I have no faith in the management. Last year we showed up on a Saturday in mid-June and half the rides weren’t running — “staffing issues” they said. Literally the one thing my kid wanted to ride (roller coaster) was shut down. They offered us coupons for free food but when we tried to use them they were expired. Some of the rides felt questionably safe. (The year before I called and verified that they were enforcing masks, since the kid vaccine wasn’t available yet… they assured me they were, but we showed up and were the only people we saw in masks.)
We’ve done Dutch Wonderland and it’s delightful for the younger set (like 9-10 and under) — fewer crowds, just gentler all over. We will go back to DW this year and add Hershey.
ElisaR says
which park are you referencing? SP or HP?
Anotheranon says
Obviously SP if she’s planning to add Hershey.
ElisaR says
thank you for your kind reply.
Anonymous says
I’ve been to both, as well as places like Storyland, Canobie Lake and Santa’s Village in NH, Dutch Wonderland, Disney World, and Legoland FL.
I wouldn’t make a special trip to go to Sesame. If you are within driving distance, it is a fun one-day stop. The lines @ Sesame are deceivingly long. The ride capacity is low so even though the lines look short it can take a while to move through. I’d go in the summer when you can do the water park.
It’s apples and oranges to Disney. Disney is about the experience- you can have fun without going on a single ride.
Hershey is fun but we didn’t go until we had an older kid who enjoyed the “big” rides– and at that point our youngest was 4 and had a ton of fun. They do a nice job grouping big kid/little kid rides together so you don’t have to run all over the park.
ElisaR says
i haven’t been to SP since I was a kid in the 80s, but we did Hershey Park last summer and really loved it. The food was decent. The Hershey Hotel was pretty darn swanky (and expensive) but the pool was fun and the activities were nice too (we did night golf with glowing holes and balls). We actually spent 2 days there but could have done 3 and we booked again for next year. My kids were 4 and 5 when we went (now 5 and 6).
Anonymous says
Anyone who exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home? I’m looking for anything from how to handle with hospital staff who are pushing breast feeding to tips to minimizing pain when your milk comes in.
Lise says
I was very nervous about this because I was giving birth in a baby-friendly hospital, but I was pleasantly surprised. One of my admissions forms asked if I wanted to do breastfeeding, formula feeding, or both, and I checked both but added a note that I expected baby to be mostly formula fed. A nurse in my ob’s office had mentioned that this form would guide how the nurses would approach feeding in the postpartum unit – I’m not sure if that’s universal, but it was the case at my hospital. I actually brought a pack of ready-to-eat bottles just in case we were given a hard time, but possibly because my baby was late pre-term and it was a peak pandemic moment when lactation consultants were less present than normal, we weren’t at all – the postpartum unit nurses brought in formula for us, sent us home with more, and were generally very supportive. A lactation consultant did come at one point and gave me some help because I did want to do some nursing, but she didn’t question or criticize our using formula.
No advice on milk coming in, since I had so little that I barely noticed it when I did dry up, but I’ve heard Sudafed can be helpful!
Anonymous says
In order to maintain its baby-friendly designation, isn’t a hospital obligated to refuse formula unless prescribed by a doctor (and to force rooming-in, and other things).
Anonymous says
I gave birth at a baby-friendly hospital. For context: I make very little milk and my firstborn lost 17% of her body weight in 4 days. I knew I would be mostly formula feeding my second but wanted to get her as much milk as I could. Told this to the nurse, who brought me a pump and no formula. (I have never even coated the bottom of a pump bottle with milk.) It took my pediatrician showing up to me in tears for the nurse to bring me formula. Doc wrote an RX and chewed her out in front of us.
BUT I think this is entirely nurse-dependent, not the official stance of the hospital. (And I think my doc would have helped even without a medical issue on my end.)
anon says
If it’s a baby-friendly hospital bring formula with you. Ours wouldn’t give out formula unless babies where in the NICU or SCU.
Anonymous says
+1. It really depends on the hospital. Some of my friends gave birth at other baby-friendly hospitals, and the nurses would ask them if it was ok to give their baby formula so they could get some rest. At mine, they wouldn’t give out formula unless there was too much weight loss or jaundice – when I specifically asked them if they could give formula because I needed to rest, the nurse laughed in my face. So, talk to your OB early and often about your plans to use formula so it’s all over your chart, put it in your written birth plan, and definitely bring your own RTE formula bottles in case you get a less than compassionate nurse.
Anon says
I would definitely bring formula. They won’t stop you from using it. I made very little milk and my first lost a lot of weight before we started with formula. So we brought our own for the second. The baby friendly hospital people were terrible about it but I knew I had no choice.
Because I didn’t make much milk, I don’t have any advice about handling it coming in.
CCLA says
We weren’t at a baby friendly hospital, so that may have helped, but I found them very willing to follow our lead and not push BF. I would bring your own formula (love the RTF small bottes at that age with disposable tops), but be prepared for them to use theirs if baby goes to nursery; they would gladly do a feeding but had to use whatever they stocked unless we had a note. It was fine, just a surprise.
I needed so much guidance says
I ran into many tough spots with feeding, sleeping, etc. in the newborn stage. The most helpful person to me was a local lactation consultant who excelled at troubleshooting the first 3-6 months. She was firmly in camp “feed the baby” and had lots of good advice for issues relating to formula feeding along with other newborn issues. I went to a lot of groups she lead and she never pushed one way of feeding or another as long as the baby was fed.
I know many lactation consultants/newborn consultants are awful in pushing breastfeeding, but I wanted to put it out there that really excellent lactation consultants/newborn consultants should also be able to help with issues relating to formula fed babies.
Anonymous says
This. I also had in hospital lactation consultants who were very supportive when I couldn’t EBF my twins and switched to combo feeding. I EBF’d my oldest exclusively and didn’t pump at all (1 year maternity leave) and really loved BF, so I was a huge emotional postpartum mess about having to figure out pumping bottles and measuring and formula supplementing. Lactation consultants were super supportive from helping me figure out the logistics of everything to reassuring me that I would still bond with my babies.
Erica says
Just need to vent. Looking for a new nanny after ours left unexpectedly. Why is this so hard. We’re offering guaranteed hours, good pay, holidays, vacation, etc. and still all of the candidates so far can’t provide references or admit to exaggerating their experience. I never thought I’d consider quitting but I’m considering it. We just need another 6 months before we enroll in school, and then go through the hardship of finding a PT nanny. I just hate everything today.
Pogo says
ha, just posted below about totally different struggles but same exact feeling. I hate everything.
Anon says
Is daycare/fulltime preschool an option for the next six months? You’re probably going to need to hire a new person when you switch to PT anyway.
Anon says
Meant as a reply to Erica.
anonamama says
Just went through this over the past three months while waiting on a new childcare center to open (and still not there yet!) I had significantly better luck looking on a facebook page, ” childcare connections” than with Care.com. At one point, I seriously considered holding up a sign at a college basketball game to advertise. I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Joining you in your frustration!
anon says
I quit after being unable to find an nanny for a position that had an end date. My experience is that the really excellent candidates in my community prefer long-term positions and there’s enough demand that they can get them. If you can make this a long-term, full-time position (maybe with household management while kiddo is at school), you might have more luck.
It’s super expensive, but in my area, there are a couple of excellent agencies that do a good job of vetting candidates.
Anonymous says
Vent away. I’ve actually given up on going back to work for now because I’m tired of looking for a nanny. The thing that really irks me is people on this board act like if we only did exactly what they did, this Mary poppins nanny would magically show up at our doorstep. I just don’t think that’s true anymore.
Pogo says
I am on the struggle bus. My dad tested positive after babysitting my kids, throwing a wrench into our lives and just making me super paranoid about every sniffle (we’re all testing negative, but what does that even mean?). My spirited 5yo has been really butting heads with DH, who is getting frustrated with having to “play games” to get 5yo to do anything. I put some plans in motion for Big Things in our life and now I am second guessing everything.
I just want to pause everything so I can scream for a bit and then recollect myself.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Hugs. That is a lot to deal with at once. And from what you’ve written about your kids, your older one sounds a lot like my older one – yours is in K now right? Mine had a tough time last year with the transition but this year has been much much better. Still needs lots of reminders at night to get through the routine, but not the complete restraint collapse that was last year. Hopefully it’s the same for you! And Covid wise, both husband and I had it a few months ago but the kids never caught despite us still being right there with them so I hope for the best for you all!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Right there with you. Solidarity.
Not COVID-specific, but some work stuff that’s making me feel a lot of feelings and question a lot of my own work ethic etc.
DS #1 (also 5, in transitional kinder) is driving me bonkers with the whining and complaining. This morning it was the nonstop request to put granola on his oatmeal after I said no 5 times. DH was on a call with Asia so was trying to make sure I did this while keeping noise at a minimum, and I was annoyed by the whole thing.
Hmmm…Big Things?!? :)
Anon says
Has anyone been to Aspen with kids? Will they be bored? Looking at taking my then almost 6 year old there for fall break in October. We would fly into Denver for financial reasons (it’s ~five times cheaper) and do a day or two there doing kid-friendly museums, etc., but I would like to get up in the mountains and see some nice scenery too.
Anon says
It’s impossible (or at least damn hard) to be bored in some of the most beautiful mountains in the world.
Anon says
I know I won’t be bored! But do kids that age normally appreciate beautiful scenery? Mine doesn’t.
Anon says
Maybe not in the abstract “I feel my place in the universe” way, but in the running down the trail, looking for bugs, playing hide-and-seek behind granite boulders, playing swords with fallen sticks way? Absolutely. There’s world-class hiking, you can easily rent bikes, and so much more. You should definitely go!
ElisaR says
if you’re flying into denver can you just ski vail? Aspen is a steep mountain and I found it to be over the top fancy. it was fun, but i’m thinking you can see nice scenery outside of Denver pretty easily without going over to Aspen. Wuld you fly from Denver to Aspen or drive? it’s a couple hours to drive.
Anon says
We’re not skiing – this is early October, so there shouldn’t be accumulated snow yet.
We were planning to drive from Denver to Aspen. It’s $300 per person to fly to Denver and $1,500 each to fly to Aspen via Denver, and a few hours of driving is very worth it to me to save over $2k. Kiddo does fine in the car.
I’m open to Vail or other mountain destinations within a reasonable drive of Denver. Aspen does seem fussy and fancy, but it also looks really beautiful and I really want to see the Maroon Bells.
NYCer says
Vail is definitely quite a bit closer to Denver than Aspen is (2ish hours vs. 4ish hours). Both are pretty. I would probably give the edge to Aspen slightly in the beauty category, but not worth the extra 2 hour drive with kids IMO.
Anon says
Maroon Bells is beautiful. I went on a family vacation one summer as a kid, but it was when my sister and I were old enough to bike ride down on our own. I don’t think your kid would be bored, but I guess just think about what you hope to do at Maroon Bells. when i was younger we went on a summer family vacation to Vail and we also went to breckenridge and did the alpine slide there.
Anne-on says
I’ve heard amazing things about the skiing in Aspen but it is definitely a long drive from Denver, and it’s pretty spread out so you may be doing a decent amount of driving. If you haven’t already booked, would you consider Vail? We went with a multi generational group (kids from 8-19) in the summer with people coming from midwest/east coast and everyone had a blast. There are lots of hikes for people of different abilities, the set up in Vail (two main villages linked by lots of walking paths) makes it very easy for people to do a lot or a little and there are great pools/spas/art/music events going on at different times. The Vail library was also a surprise MVP – lots of programming for kids and a great comic book collection. The cost of food is definitely high but we did Instacart for staples and mostly ate breakfast/lunch in the condo and then went out for dinner so it wasn’t crazy.
Anonymous says
Aspen is wonderful and is fun with kids – walking town, parks, etc. You will pass a lot of other towns on the way from Denver – the highway from Denver to Aspen does shut down both in winter and summer for mudslides and snow related issues. To save drive time, I would look at Breckenridge or Vail. Aspen also tends to be more seasonal than Breck and Vail – more restaurants/stores close in the off season (which October is in). The ski towns closer to Denver don’t have as much seasonality. For a quick trip, I would save 2 plus hours each way in the car and stay closer to the airport. Look at the festival schedules in Breck, Vail and Keystone. Lots of fun festivals year round.
anonn says
We went to a late September wedding in Aspen a year ago, we did not bring our kids, but a lot of the wedding party did and they had a drastically different trip. Those with kids had some fun hikes, did Maroon Bells with e-bikes, took the lift up the mountain etc, but Aspen is crazy expensive and fancy, the drive from Denver was long. These kids were 2-9, if your kid enjoys nature and isn’t a picky eater it could be fun, but it feels like more of an adult vacay. What about Silverthorne/Dillon? A lot closer to Denver, still gorgeous and tons of nearby hikes/national parks/resorts.
Anon says
why are the day camps I want to send my kids to fully booked…in january. why is this a thing? I hate summer as a working parent. I am tempted to suggest renting a place outside the city (I’m in nyc) for a few weeks and sending the kids to a daycamp there so they get some outdoor time (while working remotely). Is this totally dumb?
ankm says
We just bought a weekend place in the country and that was a major reason. I’ve signed up my daughter for a mostly outdoor (with a pool!) day camp for less than $300/week. So much less than the $650/week it costs in my neighborhood.
Anon says
Lol at framing that as a frugal decision. I swear, the rich people on this board.
FP says
It is not dumb and I am doing this too for three weeks during the summer. If you can afford it, I think it’s fun. I am in the southeast (blazing hot in the summer) and this year we are going to an AirBNB in the mountains out west for a good chunk of July, and my kids will do camps there so I can work a little bit.
FVNC says
We did a version of this last summer — we spent a few weeks in my parents’ fairly rural town, and sent our kids to camp while we parents worked remote. Honestly, it worked out so much better than I expected we might try to replicate it this summer (without husband, who has to be in the office, boo).
Anon says
It’s not dumb! If you can go somewhere where you have friends w/kids that might make it more fun for your kids? I’m planning to spend a week this summer working remotely from my best friend’s house on the other side of the country while our kids go to camp together.
Anne-on says
I’m sorry, camp logistics are AWFUL. I had a fight with my husband this weekend because he signed our son up for a sports camp the same week he’s already at another camp because husband didn’t ask or check the paper calendar. I was able to pull my kid out of the other camp but ARGH. Don’t get me started on the insane color-coded paper calendar we keep to track if this camp has lunch/what gear to bring/etc. etc.
Anon. says
Not totally dumb. My kids are still in full-time daycare so don’t need camp yet but I was looking it up today because of the horror stories I’ve heard. Day camp by our public park district in LCOL Midwest is open reasonable hours, not crazy expensive and still has availability for most sessions two weeks after registration opened. Do you have family/friends somewhere to go visit and work remote?
Anon says
Same! Reading here has made me realize this is one perk of living in the middle of nowhere. Camp is $150/week (less than half what we pay for pre-K, albeit at a bougie daycare), there’s no crazy registration drama, it goes from the first day of summer break to the last, and with the (free!) before/aftercare you can have 10 hours of childcare a day if you want it.
Anon says
This is true for the day camps run by our public parks in a HCOL area, too…but there’s a reason why the more expensive camps are in higher demand and fill up first. It’s really different sending your kids to a camp where the staff are trained in water safety vs. a camp where the counselors don’t bother to figure out which kids can swim before taking them to the pool for water day.
Some municipality run camps that are great! But some around here have consistent serious safety concerns, and those are the ones that don’t fill up as fast.
Anon says
That is not true where I live. But camps here are regulated. Water safety is serious. The desirable camps are desirable due to status (art camp, theater camp) not because they’re better. If anything, the folks running the specialized camps tend to know more content and less about child development.
Anon says
Agree, same situation where I live. There are camps that are seen as fancy due to the fact that they cater to niche interests and the hours are shorter (9-3 at most) so kids who go have moms who can afford to work part time or employee nannies, but the parks & rec camp is completely safe and fun and the kids I know who’ve gone have had great experiences.
Cb says
I think it’s smart. I’m doing it in Lisbon this summer. The local options suck and don’t involve swimming lessons, so kiddo and I are decamping to Lisbon. It is in English, runs 9-5 so I’ll work during the day, and randomly his nursery bestie is living in Lisbon and I’ve convinced his parents to send him too.
Husband is a dainty English rose and can’t handle the heat so he’ll come and join us after the camp finishes and we head north.
Anonymous says
Not dumb at all! We do a variation of this plan to stretch our vacation days with DH’s family. His parents are too old to care for our kids full time but they are thrilled to host us for dinner multiple times during the week. Generally we rent for a month – one week vacation with activities to tire out kids and grandparents, two weeks WFH at vacation house while kids go to day camp. Generally we eat dinner at DH’s parents house M-T, then take out at our house on Friday, day time activities and restaurants on Saturday and Sunday. Then last week is vacation.
It’s worked better when we rent a separate house that is walking distance away. When we stayed with DH’s parents, they struggled with the distinction between us working and being on holiday. We’ve gotten a better deal on the nightly rate by renting for the full month vs two weeks.
Anonymous says
What’s the going rate to pay someone to watch your kids for a weekend away? Context: person is a cousin who is about 25 years old. I have one seven year old daughter. Thanks!
Anon says
I think more context is needed: did the cousin volunteer to do this or did you ask? Is the cousin close to your kid and thinking of this as a fun cousin weekend, or do you sense she’s really doing this for the money? What’s the cousin’s financial situation?
I don’t think the going rate for a professional nanny applies here. I generally don’t pay family to watch my kids, but our main caregivers are my parents who are very affluent and love hanging out with their grandchild. They’d be offended if we offered to pay them because they don’t view it as babysitting. But most 25 year olds need money more than my parents do.
NYCer says
+1. Context matters a lot here.
Anonymous says
I’ll bite, though my situation is quite different from yours. I have three kids under 5. I pay a former nanny and a babysitter both $400/weekend. To be clear – I consider this a screaming deal. Occasionally my SIL will watch my kids for 3-4 weekdays (she works weekends) and though she won’t let us pay her, we leave about $300-500 worth of cash around for food and activities then send the rest home with her. For your cousin, I’d ask if she wants to be paid/what her rate might be. If she won’t take payment I’d just leave a bit of cash around for fun/emergency and then insist she take the remainder home with her. I’d also make sure they have enough food that she doesn’t need to spend the money on groceries or eating out.
Anonymous says
I would say absent context, $300 ($100/day). This assumes it isn’t purely transactional and that your daughter and cousin have a bit of a relationship.
If you had to hire this, it’d be $20-$25/hr + flat fee overnight, so more like $500.
Bette says
We did this recently with a professional nanny and paid $20/hour per childcare hour (including naps) plus $125/night. If you know for sure she doesn’t want to be paid, I like the suggestions from others about leaving a few hundred dollars for food/fun money and then insisting she take the rest of it at the end.
SC says
My former nanny charged her hourly rate for daytime hours, plus $100 overnight (would probably be up to $125 now). In my MCOL area, for one child, I’d probably expect to pay $300-350 for 24 hours. But I’m not sure a 25 year old cousin gets market rate.
double-bingo says
Potty training update – thanks for the encouragement to stick with it for my reluctant/resistant almost-3-year old! Somehow, it was padded training underwear that did the trick, and she’s had like 1 accident in the last week!
New conundrum: What dolls/figurines are 6 year old girls loving right now? We went heavy on educational and practical gifts for Christmas for our older child (including a rock tumbler, which she loves but is all about delayed gratification) so I want to get her something purely fun for her upcoming birthday. She was pretty into changing the clothes of some small (6 inch?) dolls at her cousin’s house, so I’m thinking something along those lines. Are there good options that don’t have weird unrealistic faces/bodies or a million tiny pieces? I am slightly horrified by LOL dolls. The Barbie “Chelsea” seems like what I’m picturing, but I’m wondering if there are other nice ones out there?
Anon says
My girl is a bit younger and not really into dolls, but I think age 6 is prime age for American Girl dolls.
Anonymous says
This. They say 8+ but 6 is more realistic.
Molly says
Agreed. My newly 7-year-old has been heavily into American Girl dolls for the past year, with no indications of that interest waning. As a tip, we’ve had great experience with the quality of the relatively inexpensive “Our Generation” dolls. My daughter has several of them, and only one American Girl doll (which is a hand-me-down from me).
Sick says
In the past two weeks, I have had pink eye (so did my husband), strep throat (just me), and now a stomach bug. My stomach sounds like a bunch of whales fighting today.
Luckily kid has been spared even though it’s usually the opposite. That’s all. Just complaining