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Anon says
My husband just casually mentioned a 4 day fishing trip he’s going on with coworkers- that’s scheduled for 3 months after I’m due to give birth to our second child/the week I’ll likely return to work from maternity leave.
Neither of us really solo travel/parent. I remember those first couple of weeks back to work being pretty hard and stressful and adding a 2 year old to the mix seems not fun. I need a reality check though- how bad do you think that weekend would be for me? How much help/support should we be scheduling if he does make the trip (we currently have none outside of daycare)?
Spirograph says
I would just push your return-to-work date by a week, if at all possible
NYCer says
+1. If this isn’t possible, or even maybe if it is, can you have a grandparent come stay for the week to provide an extra set of hands?
Anonymous says
Can he take the week before and after the trip off to ease your return? Unless is the trip is mandatory, or family can stay with you to help, it would be a hard no for me.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Caveat that we do a lot of solo traveling/parenting – so I think this is a doable if you have help.
I don’t know if a grandparent can stay for the week, or if you could hire a sitter. The help will be critical in the AM to get toddler ready for daycare while you nurse baby, get ready, and then again in the PM to do dinner/bed routine with toddler while you handle baby and maybe feed yourself; sitter/grandparent could handle bottle/pump part clean up and any bottle prep for the next day.
Anon says
That first week is hard because it’s getting everyone into a new routine. And if your luck is anything like my luck, that is the week that one of the kids will get sick and not be able to go to daycare. Is this a “work” trip or a “friend” trip that just happens to be with coworker friends? If it is a friend trip, I’d ask him to decline unless I had grandparent help for the entire week that I could rely on. If it is a work trip, I’d definitely line up the grandparent help or delay my own return to work until the week after.
GCA says
Agree with this. I remember my 2nd kid starting daycare at 3 months, and I don’t think she went a full week that first month. Between all the bottle-washing, pumping, random kid viruses, adjusting to not-napping in a new environment, and handling older sibling’s big feelings, etc., that entire period was pretty rough.
AwayEmily says
I would be annoyed that I was told rather than asked.
But assuming he really does have to go, I would line up a grandparent or friend to come and stay. Then it should be fine.
Anon says
+1. My husband went to his best friend’s bachelor weekend when my third child was a month old. I had my mom come and stay and it was fine. Return to work complicates things, but if the trip is important to him I think you can totally make it work. (And you don’t actually know when the baby will be born, so you may be back at work for a while or not yet back by then)
Anon says
J would be annoyed at the telling, but I think the trip will be fine.
Anon says
agree that it is physically doable with doable with help, emotionally doable is a different story. I do a lot of solo parenting and have since the very beginning. DH traveled for work when our twins were 8 weeks old (i had a night nurse thank goodness) and then went on a 5 night business trip when they were ~4 months and I’d been back at work for two weeks. the anticipation was as bad for me as the actual solo parenting. I was very much taking it one feed at a time…
Lily says
Is this an optional trip or a mandatory one because of work? If it’s optional, I’d be pretty annoyed, and would tell him that he is solely responsible for ensuring you have support for all four of those days he’s gone. He should also do things like all of the kids’ laundry before he leaves, meal prepping, restocking anything like diapers, etc. so that you don’t have to run any errands. I’d also try to move your back to work date back a week or two.
Anonymous says
I mean I guess I’m an outlier but I would laugh, say he must be kidding, say absolutely not, and be livid. Fun trips away with friends are a family discussion for us and not something we’d do with an infant.
anon says
Similarly, there’s no way a trip with this timing would have worked for my family. It was a super rough time when we had a toddler and newborn and when we could get help in, it made it things a bit more doable with 3 adults handling things. 1 adult for all this would have taken things from super rough to inhumane, regardless of work status.
Anon says
You’d tell your spouse they can’t go on a business trip? I have a tenured professor spouse so he has more control over his business travel than a lot of people and I still can’t imagine telling him flat out no he can’t go on a work-related trip, unless I was going to be at the hospital giving birth or having surgery.
Anonymous says
Where are you getting that this is a business trip? He said he’s going fishing with some coworkers.
Anon says
I read it as a work outing that was, if not mandatory, at least important. OP clarified below that he hates fishing and is going for work reasons.
Same says
Haha same. I’m glad I’m not the only one.
Anonymous says
Pushing back your return date is a good option. On the flip side, depending on your job, I think people are pretty understanding those first weeks back, and you probably won’t have a lot to do at first. So it could be okay timing, as long as you can deal with the psychological aspect of it.
To make it work, you either need help or serious prep in terms of meals, laundry, and all that. If your husband wants to go, he should take the lead on this.
Anon says
Also caveat that we solo parent often, but 4 days sounds fine to me, especially if it’s over a weekend. Assuming you’re keeping the 2 year old in daycare during your leave, the new part is just getting the baby and yourself out the door. Prep everything the night before, plan a lot of extra time for things taking longer than you expect, and explore if you can be a little hybrid/ flexible those days – could you leave at say, 2pm, and then work that night or the following weekend? Can you leave the office at noon and work from home until time to pick up the kids?
I’d be more upset about my husband planning extra nights away and just casually mentioning it vs discussing with me how to make it work. That sounds like he’s treating you as the default parent – assuming you’re around and able to watch the kids solo for 4 days straight. I’d have a heated come to Jesus about that and nip it in the bud asap, and then casually mention a 4 day trip of my own (even to a hotel in the same town – you can drop off the pumped milk each morning if that applies, he can get it into bottles) for the following week when he’s catching back up at work.
Anon says
I’m a big believer in new parents getting alone/hobby time and I think I’d be fine with the trip happening, assuming there is no medical emergency or something, but it should be a conversation between the two of you. Maybe there’s more that you’re not mentioning, but if he sprang it on you as a given and/or is assuming you’ll be fine without asking what you need, that wouldn’t be okay.
Anon says
My husband took a short trip when our second was a couple months old and my first was 2. It was tough – two year olds are pretty demanding, I was breastfeeding, and neither kid was sleeping well. I also had a birth injury that made it hard to chase and pick up the two year old – a surprise because my first delivery was pretty smooth. It was not ideal, to say the least. It might work out ok though if you’re able to start daycare early and it’s before you go back to work. Then you’ll have some down time at home to rest. You could also have someone come by every day to help. For me, bedtime was the most challenging time where an extra pair of hands would have been nice.
Anon says
Hard to know bc so much hinges on what kind of kids you have. We have a 27 month old and a 3 week old and my husband is going to a wedding (solo) the first weekend of March. I’m fine with this bc we have easy kids/good sleepers (i’m getting 6-7 hours a night and i do solo nights, my husband doesn’t get up per my choice bc i breastfeed and it’s easier for me this way). But we waited to call this shot until the baby was born and it was a discussion.
Anon says
Thank you, all!
Honestly, I think he forgot that we’d have a small infant when he said yes to this trip/didn’t really realize it until I brought it up. I could easily handle this trip with just our current kid.
Husband actually hates fishing so I should probably start viewing this trip as an important work trip rather than an optional vacation. We have plenty of warning and can put appropriate support in place- I probably can’t extend my leave, but we could ask my parents to fly in for the weekend or something. I think I mostly needed the confirmation that yes, it’s very reasonable to ask for help and make these arrangements.
Anonymous says
I say this with love but this is your new (wonderful) life. I would have been annoyed at first too, but then I’d call my mom and she’d come help and we’d eat pizza and stay in our pjs all day Saturday, then I’d have mom pick up coffee and bagels and take big kid to the park Sunday and it would be fine.
AwayEmily says
Yes! And it gets easier SO fast. My husband left for a week when the my third was 2.5 months and it was such a logistical crapshow. But every trip either of us have been on since she turned 6 months has been mostly fine. Once they are on a vague schedule (esp once they drop to just 2 naps) it’s better.
FVNC says
+1. Also, never ever feel bad asking for help even if it might seem “unreasonable.” One of the best decisions I made during leave for my 2nd kid was having a sitter come a few times a week for a couple hours so I could take a break. Sure, I *could* have managed without the sitter. But the extra help was lovely!
Anon says
and this makes me SO jealous bc this is what i envisioned as a huge part of my parenthood journey, but unfortunately my mom got sick and was wheelchair bound by the time i had my kids and passed away before they turned 2, so i’ll live vicariously through this post.
Anon says
Sorry for your loss <3
Anon says
Wit huh two kids it became really important to have solo time away for me, I have my second kid and have more overnight friend and work trips scheduled for this year than in a very long time – it feels like the only way t really get a break. Same for my husband. It’s tough but important so if you could make it work, I’d lean into asking for help and schedule some time for yourself when that makes sense for you. The other thought is if he can go for say two or three nights instead of four, and if you can start your new childcare regime the previous week – new chikdcare, back to work, and solo parenting all in one week is a lot.
Anon says
my daughters are asking for headbands – where do you get comfortable ones for your kids that don’t hurt them behind the ears?
anon says
We get random fabric-covered ones online that my kids don’t complain about. They don’t like the cheap plastic kind, though. One of them is also big into the soft fabric ones with an elastic that goes under your hair, which has no potential for ear hurting.
Mary Moo Cow says
My 7 year old likes J. Crew Factory headbands.
Teaching hospital says
Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital? What was your experience like and would you do it again?
Anon says
Yes. Pennsylvania Hospital in Philadelphia. Oldest hospital in the country, and has a very well regarded maternity ward. It’s now affiliated with U Penn. I had midwives deliver both my babies there (and I was born there too), but was seen by medical residents in the triage room and periodically they checked on me when I was in labor. I think the anesthesiologists were attendings, though, and I’m glad for that. Also, during my first delivery, one of my “support people” (he held one of my legs) was a med student. At first when they asked if he could stay I hesitated, but it was great having him there. Because he was in training, I feel like I learned more about what was happening to me because the midwife or nurse was narrating the whole thing to him. He wasn’t actually doing anything medical, though, he was clearly just there to observe.
On the other hand, my mom used to be a nurse and sometimes jokes (gallows humor) about how many patients interns/young residents probably kill. I’m assuming she’s exaggerating but I do think a lot of errors get made in hospitals. Not sure that’s always correlated with teaching hospitals though.
Anonymous says
That’s an unfortunate joke. It’s not at all true and I hate medical professionals sharing misinformation. Teaching hospitals are the best hospitals.
Lily says
Well, she practiced in the early 80s so it’s possible things have changed. But she also likes to be dramatic.
Anonymous says
I mean feel free not to share those 50 year old jokes then
Lily says
Ok grumpy pants
Lise says
I delivered in the same hospital. From what I remember, they don’t have an anesthesia residency program, so that department is all attendings. I thought that was great before I delivered but then in the end, everyone gave me fantastic care except the very experienced 60-ish anesthesiologist whose terrible epidural placement led me to have an unintentionally unmedicated birth, so I wouldn’t have minded an anesthesia resident! I was the topic of some debate between ob residents because of a brand-new paper on a particular aspect of my medical situation, which in hindsight they probably shouldn’t have had in front of a patient (when the attending came in she was clearly like “come on, not here”), but I kind of got a kick out of it, and it was nice to see that everyone was very up to date on new developments.
Anonymous says
Yes and I’d absolutely do it again. I can’t imagine voluntarily ever going to a non-teaching hospital for any medical care. They’re the best hospitals. You’ll see med students and residents and fellows as part of your care team but you can still limit who is in the room if you want. Truly being able to go to a teaching hospital is a privilege and I wouldn’t squander it.
anon says
Same. I was glad to have access to experts in all sorts of complications for baby and me if needed without either of us having to go into an ambulance somewhere else (in my area at least, if only mama or baby need a higher level of care, only the patient who needs the higher level of care gets taken to the hospital that can handle greater complexity. the other one stays at the first hospital until they’re discharged.).
I’d take a fellow in anesthesia specializing in obstetric anesthesia for my epidural over a general anesthesiologist who does a bit of everything any day.
Honestly, the senior resident who handled my delivery did a fabulous job and had more up to date medical knowledge than my OB’s (about to retire) partner who was on call, but didn’t make it in time.
NYCer says
I did. I guess I don’t have any other reference point, but it was completely fine / I had no issue with it. I had c-sections if it makes a difference.
FVNC says
Yes. It was fine. I confirmed ahead of time that my MD OB would be doing the actual c-section (scheduled c) delivery but IIRC I consented to students (or residents? I’m pretty sure students) being in the delivery room. The day after delivery we consented to a resident performing her first frenotomy on our newborn — it was very, very minor and we felt comfortable with her (she’d been doing rounds and we’d met her a few times), and of course she was supervised. The bigger issue was that the hospital was a baby friendly hospital and did not have a respite nursery.
FVNC says
Sorry, that was a weird way to characterize my OB. I just meant, my actual doctor rather than a resident I’d never met. I know residents have MDs.
Anonymous says
Yes- GW. I would do it again (gave birth twice there). They always asked if it’s ok if there is a student present, if it’s ok if a student performs a procedure, etc (for example, checking if I was dilated). The only thing I didn’t like is when I was in active labor and one of the students, I guess trying to make conversation, asked me what I did for a living. UM LADY THIS IS NOT A COCKTAIL PARTY. But now it’s just a funny story, and it didn’t really bother me at the time.
Anonymous says
I delivered at GW too and my only comment is there were SO many people in the room. No one else was giving birth so I had 2 attendings, 3 residents, a Med student, anesthesia, and 2 nurses. So 9 people plus my husband watching me for an uncomplicated birth. For my 2nd kid I had an OB and 2 nurses (1 charting, 1 assisting the OB).
TheElms says
I’ve delivered at both teaching and not teaching (just the way it worked out). I consented to residents / students being present and doing procedures and the experience wasn’t that noticeably different. If anything I think the teaching hospital was better because if there was a minor problem (but too much for a nurse to handle) there always seemed to be a resident who could come by and check instead of having to wait ages for an attending.
rakma says
Yes, for both deliveries. The hospital is the largest and had the most advanced NICU in the area, so we knew we wouldn’t have to deal with transferring if that level of care became necessary. I picked my midwife practice knowing that I wanted to deliver at that hospital, and because they were directly affiliated with the hospital, when I needed to switch to a high-risk OB with my second, it was seamless.
I didn’t particularly mind having a couple extra people involved in the process–I feel like the residents spent a little more time doing exams and taking histories, and then having the attending follow up made everything feel very thorough.
Anonymous says
Oh boy. I could write a novel. It wasn’t so much the giving birth – that part was fine and mostly handled by nurses anyway. There was always a gaggle of residents every time an attending stopped by to check on things, and occasionally med students, but it was totally fine for me to tell them to go away.
I was pregnant during pre-vax Covid, and my OB’s husband was a pulmonologist and therefore at high risk of exposure. That meant she had to step back from seeing patients, because the clinic was worried she’d pass Covid on to her patients. That meant I ended up seeing a different resident for pretty much every prenatal visit. Some were great – they tended to be more on top of the latest research. Some had absolutely zero bedside manner, not sure if because they didn’t have experience or they just didn’t have a great personality in the first place. TBH, you could probably say that about doctors in general.
Where I’ve had issues with teaching hospitals was with care prior to that pregnancy. I had a D&C for a second trimester miscarriage and then surgery for endo. That’s when I learned that the hospital has a policy of allowing unconsented pelvic exams on unconscious women – I learned it AFTER the D&C, which just compounded the trauma. For that, the med student said he’d be in the room and was it ok, but he didn’t say what he’d be doing. I didn’t have the presence of mind to ask. I found out the night before the endo surgery from a stray note in my online medical records about a med student doing a pelvic exam during that surgery. So, now I just don’t allow med students to observe or be involved in any way.
I’m in a small HMO, so I don’t have another option for a hospital for OBGYN care.
Anonymous says
This is common practice in teaching hospitals when women are under anesthesia for any reason, even if it’s not a gyn surgery. Truly horrifying.
Anonymous says
It is not. It used to be and isn’t any more.
Anonymous says
I’m the poster at 10:42. I’m sorry, but that might be true in your state, but it’s certainly quite common in mine. It only started getting media attention within the last 1-2 years.
AnonMD says
Holy [email protected]&. I’m so so sorry that happened. That’s horrific. Please know that’s not the norm everywhere- that would NEVER be acceptable at any of the institutions I’ve trained/worked at.
Anon says
i did. most of the best hospitals in the country are teaching hospitals. a med student and resident examined me when i was admitted to the hospital a few days before delivery, but a full fledged OB delivered my twins
GCA says
If you give birth in a large hospital in the Boston area, it’s pretty much always a teaching hospital! I definitely had residents pop in and I consented to a student observing, but I also opted for the midwives for prenatal care and l&d, and had experienced midwives there whom I trusted & some of whom I saw for both pregnancies. I had ‘boring’ pregnancies and reasonably uneventful deliveries fwiw.
Anon says
Not for birth, but for a very tricky procedure while I was pregnant. On the positive side, I got exceptional care from a highly skilled surgeon who is top of his specialty. On the negative side, they had a student do one of the preliminary procedures, and he wasn’t up to it. His hands were shaking as he went to insert the needle (it was a super tricky insertion that had to be done correctly). My husband advocated for me, and spoke up to say we weren’t comfortable with the student performing the procedure, and the head of anesthesia stepped in immediately to do it. So I guess, don’t be afraid to be an advocate for yourself if you aren’t comfortable with something, but on the whole, the experience was fine.
Anon says
Yes and I’m in Boston where all the major hospitals (MGH, Brigham, BI, Tufts, BMC) are all teaching hospitals and are generally considered the “best”. They also are by far the most adept if things go wrong and have the most sophisticated technology and resources if there needs to be a major intervention. My husband is a doctor so it was also very normal for me to have residents around and I knew exactly how smart and experienced they were. Also delivered at a time that they weren’t fresh on the job. Wasn’t in love with the idea of having med students present but accepted it (and it ended up being moot, none were rotating at the time I delivered).
Anon says
What time of year you are delivering winds up being a huge factor here, IMO. Interns and residents start in July and I delivered my first at a major Boston teaching hospital their first week. I felt like a novelty and like they were using me to get in “extra” practice (i.e. an intern took my medical history three times in triage while I was having contractions every two minutes. He also talked in depth about some sensitive medical history with my husband in the room – not really an issue for me because we are very open with each other, but could’ve been a disaster for someone in a different situation). My second was born in the winter and those seven extra months of experience mades a world of difference.
Also, remember that you are in charge here. It doesn’t matter if you are delivering at a teaching hospital, if you don’t want interns, bring it up at one of your prenatal appointments. Make a plan with your OB ahead of time and have your preferences put into your file.
Anon says
My MD grandfather told me teaching hospitals are the best places to get care. I didn’t deliver in one because there isn’t a teaching hospital locally (I live in a small university town and the university doesn’t have a medical school). We’ve taken my daughter to a teaching hospital in the nearby big city for a few specialist appointments (ophthalmology and gastroenterology) and although fortunately her issues were minor and resolved quickly, I felt like we got great care.
Vicky Austin says
A friend of mine did! But it was a very rural area, she had to be ambulanced an hour from home to the hospital, and literally as they were wheeling her into the building, her daughter was crowning, so someone yelled, “Hey, get the students in here!” and they all crowded around to gawk. I imagine that’s not how it normally is!
anonn says
I did, on July 2nd and new residents start on July1. Luckily I had a birth plan and doula so we learned this as soon as we got to our room. It worked out fine, we did ask the more senior resident to stitch me up instead of the 2nd day resident. For my 2nd we had an issue with the family med resident thinking my baby had a heart murmur and sending us to the special care nursery. 10K and 2 days later we now know that newborns commonly have a hole in their hearts until day 2 or 3 of life, oh and he didn’t have an infection, the thermostat was just super high. So I guess I’d just make super sure you have a real doctor confirm anything the learning doctor diagnoses, especially for summer babies or if it’s a weekend or holiday when the real docs are off.
Emma says
I did – I remember in my birth plan I asked for not more than one student in the room, and I didn’t want a student doing my epidural. Fortunately my epidural happened at 3am and I was sent an attending reasonably promptly, he did a great job and I didn’t feel a thing. Then as my labor intensified a student came to introduce herself and said she would be there for the birth and I was like yeah whatever I don’t care, please go away. She was in fact there along with my OBGYN and according to DH she actually assisted my daughter out but honestly it’s all a blur and I couldn’t care less at that point. She came by later and told me it was the first birth she did and it was really meaningful to her, which was sweet. Honestly that’s not what anyone wants to hear ,but the doctor was right there next to her and could have taken over at any time. My hospital was great and I was very well cared for.
Anon says
Why is it impolite to ask questions? I’m trying to explain social norms to an autistic family member, but the truth is I don’t really understand it myself. Recent examples: asking someone if they are working or striking; asking someone if they are accompanying family to the hospital; asking someone what a (visible) tattoo means…
Lily says
Asking questions in a vacuum isn’t impolite at all. Sometimes it’s impolite not to ask questions. You need to think about the question you’re asking and whether it’s nosy, or brings up things like politics or money (striking vs. working) or bad family relationships, or intimate things like health, whether to have kids, etc. Sometimes it’s unavoidable that you will ask a question that offends someone and there was no way of predicting that. Sometimes you can ask some preliminary questions before diving into your actual question to gauge whether the person will be receptive. For example, you could say, I love your tattoo! Then if they seem open to talking about it, you can ask what it means. If they say “thanks” and move on, then you should move on too. Of course, if we’re talking about a very close friend or close family member, none of these rules really apply as long as you’re asking in good faith. Also, a friend, family member, or teacher will know that he/she is autistic and will give them some grace because of that.
Vicky Austin says
I’d say it’s because asking, especially asking directly, puts the other person in a place of either having to tell you it’s none of your business (which can be hard to do politely), or having to tell you something they didn’t want to share. The solution, if the impulse to ask is hard to fight, is to be prepared to be told that’s none of your business without getting offended. A way to be more polite is to say, “You don’t have to tell me, but I’m curious what your tattoo means.”
Not sure I’d be offended by being asked if I was accompanying family to the hospital, though; is there more context you could add?
Anon says
I’ve always thought that it’s okay to ask questions, but you have to consider how easy it is for the person to decline to answer if they want. So you can ask those types of questions in private (no audience to pressure them into an answer) and you can start with a “feel free to tell me it’s none of my business” and do other things to give them a way to not tell you. No one owes you an answer or a justification just because you’re curious.
Anonymous says
Because you’re not entitled to know everyone’s personal business at all times.
Anon says
That’s why the person being asked is allowed to decline answering any question. It doesn’t mean that we’re all banned from asking them. Asking questions and getting to know someone is a fundamental part of human connection.
Anonymous says
I would never say it’s generally impolite to ask questions- asking questions is a way of expressing interest in people. And none of those questions in your example seem taboo to me? It’s hard line to draw though, I’m struggling to think of a blanket way to explain “questions that are not appropriate.”
Anonymous says
Many people get very offended when asked about their tattoos because the meaning is personal. Which sort of confuses me because if it’s too personal to discuss why are you displaying it openly?
Liza says
Oh my goodness. Because people are allowed to live their lives without being accosted? “If you don’t want people to ask if your kids who look different from you are adopted, why are you taking them out in public?” “If you don’t want people to ask about your marriage, why are you kissing your partner openly?” “If you don’t want me to ask how much your handbag cost, why are you carrying it around?”
Anonymous says
I really think this comes down to how a question is asked though. I would not consider saying something like “I really like your tattoo, what does it mean?” accosting someone. At the end of the day I think most people asking questions are just trying to make a connection (which is what I told myself after answering a million of the same questions about my pregnancy), and assuming good intentions makes life more pleasant in general.
Liza says
I definitely lean away from asking people questions, probably too much so. My reasoning is that I don’t want to ask them something that will force them to discuss something they don’t want to discuss – if I were in their position, I wouldn’t be comfortable saying, “I’d rather not talk about this,” so I assume other people are as bad at setting boundaries as I am and thus try to avoid putting them in an awkward position.
The asker should also think about whether they are going to be judging the answer, and if so, that’s probably a good sign not to ask. “Are you working or striking?” – does the asker have an opinion on which the person SHOULD be doing? “What does that tattoo mean?” – does the asker think the tattoo looks weird. “Are you taking your mom to the hospital?” – if the person says no they’re going in an uber, is the asker going to think they’re a bad child, etc etc. If the question is truly neutral and just to make conversation, i.e., “Oh where did you go on vacation this summer?” “How are you liking your new job?” It’s fine.
The kinds of questions that are rude are called “loaded” questions, if you want to read up on this more.
Anon says
Asking questions is not impolite by itself. Maybe they could work on understanding context. Is it a good time for a question, where nobody has something else urgent going on (for example, rushing to the hospital)? Are they considering how other people are feeling – for example, are they upset about a hospitalized family member? What kind of question is it – is it overly personal and do they know the person well enough, are they asking a stranger? Is it relevant to the topic at hand, or is it a good time to change the topic of conversation? Is the conversation something that should have a single purpose (like talking to your doctor about medical issues) rather than hanging out and chatting with friends?
Anon says
I wouldn’t consider any of those questions impolite. It’s a know your audience thing, though. The only questions that are 100% off-limits in my book are “are you pregnant,” “did you lose/gain weight,” and anything about people’s sex lives. I’ve been seriously cringing at the erosion of some of those boundaries in workplace DEI trainings, honestly.
Anon says
I agree with you. These questions aren’t rude, but I avoid the topics you mentioned. Although I will say I’m surprised by how many acquaintances have asked me if we’re planning more kids. I would NEVER ask someone that, but apparently it’s normal now? I think I was asked that by a mom I had just met at the last three preschool birthday parties I attended.
Anonymous says
Those questions have always been normal to a certain subset of the population. Usually judgmental busybodies who follow their “questions” with unwanted advice. My mother got those questions over 40 years ago…
Anonymous says
It is not impolite to ask questions. However, some questions cross the line into “personal/private/painful/sensitive things the person does not want to talk about with you or that are none of your business.” Unfortunately, there isn’t a list of easily understood rules that tell you when a question is headed into that territory, because it varies according to the person and the circumstance. For your family member, I’d probably start a huge poster with “above the personal line” questions and “below the personal line” questions. Then start adding questions to the poster over time as they come up, showing the family member where each question falls in relation to the line. Some questions are going to be hard-and-fast “do not ask.” Others will move around and sometimes be OK and sometimes not.
Anonymous says
Asking questions is not always impolite, it depends on the relationship. Breaking it down into categories may help for your family member and then give examples of what is appropriate vs inappropriate in each category.
– close friends/family
– co-workers/acquaintances
– casual interactions – eg waiters/bus driver
– always off limits (e.g. are you pregnant?)
anonM says
Maybe focus on how manners as a way to help ensure everyone in your presence is comfortable. Some questions make people uncomfortable depending on the situation. Race, gender, etc. also matter in the context, like asking someone where they are from. You want everyone to feel welcome. Pointing out differences in a group setting can be uncomfortable. Also, there are some people who can get away with asking more questions because they are genuine in wanting to get to know someone; with others, when it is just for gossip that can be easily sniffed out. So, maybe also framing it as, before you ask 1) will it make this person uncomfortable? and 2) why am I asking? And, you can help this family member with some open-ended questions (can you tell me more about [thing they already know,like “your kids”]? or “what do you enjoy doing in your free time?”)
Anonymous says
This is such an interesting question, and I like reading everyone’s take on it. I had never given much thought about how I’d explain this to someone with autism, and so much of it is based on social nuance that I can imagine how difficult it would be for an autistic person to categorize correctly! It’s a nice reminder to assume good intentions.
My 2 cents — I think questions are OK if a.) the person asking is very clearly coming from a place of curiosity and seeking understanding, not judgement, and b.) if the person the question is addressed to is able to gracefully not-answer. A.) gives little kids a pass on lots of things that I might find rude coming from an adult.
Gracefully not-answering questions in public is a really useful skill to have, but it’s better not ask person questions if there are other people around, especially if you’re not sure of all the dynamics that might be in play. There are things I’d be happy to answer if someone asked me while we’re alone, but not with other people in earshot. Explicit wording to give people an out if they don’t want to answer is a bonus. “Do you mind telling me X? I understand if you prefer not to talk about it.” and then having a ready close-out to that topic and quick pivot to the next if they decline, to minimize awkwardness. “no worries, in any case it’s beautiful ink. What are your plans for the weekend?”
Practicality like not asking superfluous questions at an emotionally fraught time or in an emergency is also a good thing to keep in mind.
Anon says
Here’s my take on all of these. None of them are inherently inappropriate but could come off as insulting with the wrong tone. E.g, it’s easy to hear “are you striking?” as “are you a scab!” Or “are you going to the hospital?” as “don’t you care about your relatives?” I think for all we talk about how women shouldn’t have to soften their opinions at work (true!!), in social settings, if you know you have a tendency to come off as blunt, It’s worth adding some softening language or some context to mitigate against that. So: “I want to drop off a meal for you if you’d welcome that. Will you be home Monday or at the hospital? I could take it to either place.” Or whatever is appropriate.
Anon says
It’s a fine line, especially for people who are non-neurotypical or struggle with social skills. I’ve always felt like one of the reasons I have trouble connecting people is because I’m afraid to ask about anything too personal. You can’t make a deep connection making small talk about the weather. The person I know who has the largest and closest friend circle asks people very personal questions within minutes of meeting them, but isn’t seen as rude because she has such warm, friendly mannerisms. I think that would be a hard line for me to walk and if I said the things she said, people would find it rude/creepy, but there are people who can pull it off. Not a great answer for an autistic kid, I know.
Anonymous says
Context decides when a question is impolite, combined with how you ask the question. If you are standing in line behind someone and notice their tattoo it would be fine to say “I really like your tattoo, do you mind if I ask whether it symbolizes something?” it would not, however, be fine in the same context, to say “What does your tattoo mean?”.
Generally, it’s always impolite to ask private information questions, and it’s especially impolite to ask them randomly to someone you haven’t spoken to before.
With my ASD kid we covered asking questions in the ‘circles of information’ graphic. Basically it was a graphic that illustated who got to know what information. So with questions we said if you are not in this circle for that person you don’t get to ask because it is none of your business.
anon says
Such an interesting question. A former, serious, boyfriend of mine was on the autism spectrum (brilliant, great, person), and questions were a source of tension between us. He was a very curious person, and asked a lot of questions. To add to the other comments, I would say what used to annoy me a lot was that it meant he directed the flow of conversation. For example, I might start to tell a story about work, and something funny a coworker did. But before I could get to the punchline, there would be 5 questions “Is that your coworker doing research on X”, “Why do you think he did research decision A? What is the algorithm he used?”, etc, etc, and suddenly we’d be down a deep thread of conversation about something interesting to my boyfriend, but I’m feeling stressed trying to explain something that I barely understand, and annoyed that I never finished my story. So, even if the questions themselves are fine, there can be something about the sheer number of questions tilting the balance of control in the conversation. Because it’s awkward to decline answering these types of questions, we inevitably ended up talking about whatever he was asking about. I didn’t get to control the narrative very much. All in all, I found the constant questions very stressful!
Anon says
Paging lawyer mom! I am curious how many hours per day do you bill. I work for a small firm and I will around 5-6 hours per day and I’m exhausted. Does it ever get easier? I’ve been practicing for 6 years and I still find myself tired and anxious due to work.
anon seus says
5-6 I consider very good and it is tiring! I truly could never do more than that. But I am also extremely strict on my working hours, keep my day inside the 9-5, less if I can. On rare big deal days a few times a year I bill like 10 hours and it’s unbearable.
This is all obviously only possible because I have a reduced hours target from “normal” Biglaw and my personal threshhold is to do maybe 3.75+ per day. Right now we are slow and I hate it because I know I will have to make up hours later in the year.
TheElms says
What is your target? I’m 80% in Biglaw and still feel like I need to bill 6-7 hours a day to get to 80% and still be able to take some time off for kid sick days, a vacation hopefully.
anon seus says
1000. I treat it as a 9-5 (okay maybe 9-4) but like I said if I average billing 4/day I can do vacations, sick days, etc. There is pressure to hit 1300/1500 and incentives for 1800+ but no amount of $ makes me want to do it, especially with two little kids right now. I feel lucky to have this unicorn role!
Anonymous says
I’m a new mom and a 3rd year small law patent attorney. I work from home, so I am very flexible with when I work. I take long breaks to have time with my 5month old and consider anywhere from 6am to 6pm to be working hours, but definitely not all of them every day. I bill about 6-6.5hrs a day ideally, though I will add a half day on weekends when Ive had a lower day or two during the week. Overall my target is 125 monthly/1500 annually.
NYCer says
I switched to 70% (big law) which helped. I try to bill 5-5.5 hours most days. Definitely less some days, and occasionally more.
Anon says
How concerned should we be that teachers (both school and extracurricular) are telling us our 5 year old is doing a bad job listening and following directions? My kid has always been very strong-willed with big emotions at home, but it hasn’t spilled over to school until recently. I’m not sure if it’s the confidence that comes from being a “big kid” (she’s one of the older ones in a mixed age class this year) or the lack of individualized teacher attention (class size is much larger this year than last), but this school year has been rough and the preschool teachers seem to be getting more and more frustrated with her behavior. It was primarily a school issue for a long time, but in recent weeks two different extracurricular teachers have commented to us that she’s been doing a very bad job listening in class. There’s nothing out of the ordinary going on at home that would explain this, and in fact her emotional regulation and behavior at home has gotten a lot better over the last year.
We’re getting her hearing tested at the recommendation of her preschool teacher, but I’m wondering if we should be pushing the ped to do something like ADHD screening. I just don’t have a good sense of what is normal at this age in terms of inattentiveness and not listening. I was always very well-behaved in school (i.e. extremely quiet) and never got on the wrong side of teachers, but I know that’s not necessarily ideal either. While I obviously want my kid to respect teachers and peers and not talk when it’s not her turn, part of me is relieved that she’s not painfully shy like I was. Teachers are frustratingly vague about whether or not this is an Issue with a capital I – they talk to us frequently at the end of the day and always seem very annoyed/upset during these conversations, but then the official conferences (we’ve had two so far this school year) have been very positive, so I feel like we’re getting a real mixed message here.
octagon says
We went through something similar, and I found it helpful to push them to contextualize the behavior. Like, okay, I hear that she’s had a rough day listening today, is this out of the range of normal kid behavior or are you just letting me know for awareness? Also, have they noticed that she’s better or worse at certain times of day, or in certain situations? I’d say that if they are not bringing it up at conferences, it’s not a big deal, but it’s worth pushing a little more.
anon says
+1 to asking for context. What led us to pursue an ADHD diagnosis was specific comments from teachers like “all 5yos do X some of the time, but Kiddo does it much more often than her peers”. (An ADHD diagnosis also technically requires the same behaviors manifesting in different environments, so if she’s regulated at home and not at school, it may be something else.)
Anonymous says
they can manifest differently in different environments though. Different levels of routine, structure, distraction, energy can all make affect it.
Anon says
so i have a kiddo who is well regulated at school, but not at home. it’s like she uses up her power to regulate and then there is significant restraint collapse at home. you mention it has gotten better at home, but worse at school – could it be she is ‘using up’ her power to regulate at home and doesn’t have any left for school? obviously we want kids to be able to regulate in both places, but maybe for whatever reason she can’t regulate equally well in both places at the same time
Cb says
Yep, my son’s bestie has this. She’s lovely in the classroom but has severe, often violent meltdowns out of school. She can hang for 30 minutes or so after school, but then things break down, so we’ve been trying to time our departures to help avoid the break / contributing (she’s very attached to my son and separation is hard)
OP says
There may be some of that. But I also think the same behaviors don’t have a chance to come up at home, because she’s not in the same situations. For example, at school I know one of her big issues is talking to other kids during rest time and we don’t have an equivalent at home. And the extracurriculars are “everybody do xyz now” for an hour straight, which isn’t a situation she’s ever really in at home. Other than family meals and very brief chores, home is basically free play, and I think that’s why her behavior is better. But of course kindergarten is not going to be free play all day so she has to learn to deal with it at some point.
Anonymous says
What’s her consequence when she takes during rest time? I’d be using no screens at home after school. Like you did not rest during rest time so now you have to rest after school.
My middle kid’s behavior vastly improved once he understood that the teacher was going to be giving us daily behavior reports and there would be consequences at home. It’s like he thought school and home were entirely separate.
OP says
We don’t use screens at home after school, never have. Until now we’ve taken the approach that behavior in school is managed by teachers and behavior at home is managed by us, which I thought was pretty common. I’m not opposed to consequences at home for behavior in school, but I’m not sure what consequences would be natural and would work. Taking away her free play time at home doesn’t seem like a logical consequence and would make the problem worse, not better.
Anonymous says
You need to have some kind of consequences when she acts up or following the rules loses its meaning. Like if she is acting up during swimming, do you pull her from the pool and make her watch the lesson from the bench next to you or do you just ignore it? I find swim teachers often don’t have the ability to deal with a lack of listening because they are busy with other kids.
I’ve been very clear that if we are paying for lessons they are expected to pay attention and try hard. They don’t have to do well – it’s about the effort not the result. They just have to try their best and be respectful to their teachers or they don’t get to participate. And not participating in swim lessons means no pool time at other times (that’s the consequence – you don’t have to know how to swim yet but if you are not trying to learn to swim you don’t get pool time at other times).
At age 4-5 kids be able to listen respectfully for short periods of time like a swim lesson and follow simple rules like no talking. An hour is a long period of time for that age group. Not sure how to deal with that one – most lessons we have done at that age are more in the 30 minutes range. I wouldn’t stress too much but you do want to make sure she is learning that sometimes she cannot do whatever she wants or kindergarten is going to be a harsh adjustment.
OP says
I’m not present for any of this stuff. Every activity we do is dropoff only by this age (we didn’t do activities at a younger age because of Covid and the fact that she wasn’t super interested and we didn’t push). So my only information is what teachers tell me and what she self-reports. It’s not that I don’t think she should have consequences, I guess I just thought it was more the teacher’s domain to enforce those consequences during class (and I know our preschool teachers do; I’m not as sure about activity teachers because I don’t know them as well and we don’t spend nearly as much time there). What the activity teachers are saying to me doesn’t necessarily sound super unusual or disruptive to me, at least for this age group, e.g., “[Kiddo] needed to be reminded several times today to listen” but I assume if they’re pulling me aside to talk it is a problem? That’s why I was asking because I really don’t have a sense of how normal this kind of report from teachers is.
Anonymous says
My comment got eaten but in short: in contrast to some posters here, with my older child we found that home consequences for preschool behavior actually really intensified problems because they added a ton of anxiety, which worsened behavior.
My current preK kid also really struggles with rest time (as did I, 36 years ago, and I never had any behavior issues ever again after that). One thing we are about to explore is whether our kid can listen to an audio book at rest times which I know sone friends’ kids have done at other preschools. Current preschool requires rest time with no books or toys, which is a change from my kid’s old preschool, and honestly is asking a lot from a 4 year old who doesn’t nap.
Re kindergarten readiness- my observational hypothesis is that increased practice with following directions etc is not that helpful if the kid isn’t developmentally ready. Kindergarten is still 8 months away (maybe 7 if you live in the south?), which is actually a long time developmentally. I’d probably take a wait and see approach, but I’d also consider stopping that type of extracurricular as for a while (but I know I am at one extreme in terms of what my own kids can handle as far as extracurriculars).
OP says
As of this past Saturday, K is less than 6 months away! (Midwest) but I take your point :)
Our school thankfully allows books and toys on the cots at rest time. It’s actually a licensing req in our state for children over the age of 3 who haven’t fallen asleep within some period of time, I think 30 mins. My kid hasn’t napped since she was 2 and I definitely do not think it’s developmentally appropriate to expect a preschooler to sit in silence for two hours with nothing to do. But I do think my kid should be able to entertain herself relatively quietly, and she generally has for the last two years. It’s only recently that it’s become a problem and her not napping isn’t new.
I generally agree with you about not forcing extracurriculars, and I think I’m not going to sign her up for more after this but unless she really hated it (which isn’t the case) I would like her to finish out the session we paid for, which goes until May.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Anonymous says
Ha, I guess I counted my months wrong! We start at Labor Day here though. And believe me I’m counting on a lot of additional development between now and then for my kiddo who won’t turn 5 until mid August !!!
Bette says
What did you all do with your older kids when you went into labor with subsequent babies, especially those of you who don’t have family nearby? Have a 2.5 year old and due in April with our 2nd. No family in town but 2-3 good friends who would drop everything to help. The current plan is for my mom to travel in about a week before my due date and stay for a few weeks so hopefully this will be a non-issue, but I’m trying to contingency plan in case I go into labor before she comes. It’s not an option for her to come any sooner due to a significant professional commitment.
For some reason I woke up in a cold sweat last night stressing about what we will do if my water breaks in the middle of the night and we have to rush to the hospital before my mom is here (which is pretty much how it went down during my first delivery)… on a related note, also taking tips on managing third trimester insomnia…
Anonymous says
You need to turn those 2-3 good friends into people with marching orders and a clear set of directions. Are they coming to you? Have them over and walk them through meals, bedtime, etc. Who do you call first? Is their phone going to be on, even in the middle of the night? Basically you need to do all the prep that will eliminate your anxiety about this. Especially if they are friends without kids, they will not understand how much you need them to be ON IT.
Bette says
Great advice – I think this is the level of planning (and writing down in a shared document!) that my brain needs in order to calm down. Two of the three friends referenced are couples who live in our neighborhood, have similar aged kids, and spend a lot of time with my kid which is great but they’ll be 7 and 9 months pregnant when I go into labor. We have one more good friend who doesn’t have kids but has spent a ton of time at our house and babysat for us so has a good sense of the routine and what’s required.
AwayEmily says
For my second, had friends on call. For my third, scheduled an induction so my mom and MIL could tag-team. SO glad I did that and kind of wish I’d scheduled an induction for my first as well.
Ann says
My friend put several of us on notice for about a month leading up to her due date and sent out detailed info on her older kid’s schedule, where stuff is in their home, how to unlock front door, etc. For about a week I slept with my phone on loud in the night (could use Do Not Disturb but I don’t know how!). I live about 2 miles from her so could be there in 5 mins in the night. In the end she did not deliver early so her parents had arrived in town by that point.
Bette says
So glad you mentioned the front door – we have a weird lock that I would never have thought to factor into the planning – thank you!
Anon says
My aunt, who lives 2.5 hours away.
I went into labor at 7ish am, aunt hopped in the car. I labored alone on my birth ball in my home office while husband and 2 year old made pancakes downstairs. Doula arrived and we hopped in car for 20 min drive to hospital. Aunt arrived as we were leaving so my husband followed us about 20 min later. I was 10cm and fully dîlated upon arrival and waited until my husband ran into the room before i started pushing. Baby born minutes later.
It was super calm and an amazing experience (my first birth was also unmedicated and so i knew what to expect). But we cut it VERY close and i’m glad i didn’t have a baby in the car! So i would definitely plan to have a friend or two on middle of the night standby. Also contigency plans for if people get Covid.
Bette says
That honestly sounds pretty idyllic :)
Anonymous says
We had a local friend come over when I went to the hospital with my second. Fun fact, I was 5 weeks early and when I called, her husband answered that she was napping. And I said, oh ok I’ll call back. Not thinking. He asked what a message was—I’m in labor. He said, I’ll wake her up.
Also, my OB asked me what our plan was early on. Then he pushed me—what if friend doesn’t answer or is a couple hours away? Uh, no idea. His answer was: bring toddler to the hospital and someone will cover kiddo. He wanted me in the hospital, not delivering with an EMT because we couldn’t get kid coverage. That made me feel better that it wasn’t the end of the world if toddler came. OBs point was we needed multiple plans.
EP-er says
So this happened to us… precipitous labor meant we all packed in the car and booked it to the hospital. I thought that there would be time to drop off our toddler at grandma’s, who was 5 minutes from the hospital but there clearly wasn’t. A very nice nurse stood outside of the emergency birth room with my toddler & a very nice police officer parked our car and brought the keys to my husband. A little traumatic for the older one, but not as bad as giving birth on the side of the road with him there!
Bette says
I love your OB and his approach to scenario planning. I honestly had not even considered bringing toddler to the hospital but duh, of course that’s an option if all else fails.
backups on backups says
If I had a third, I’d schedule an induction for 39 weeks, and have a neighbor or two as backups too. With my second, our plan was for my SIL to drive over since she’s closest one. I went into labor at 39w1d at 1am and no one would answer their phone except for our doula and my other SIL who has bad insomnia. PTL she got there in about an hour, otherwise we were going to leave DH home with our toddler and have the doula take me in. baby was born at 4:30am. Also tell your emergency person to assign a different ringer to your phone numbers, that will help them wake up too.
Bette says
Such a good suggestion about the ringer, thank you – with all the “Do Not Disturb” features these days that definitely needs to be part of the plan. We weren’t planning on getting a doula but now I’m reconsidering – it seems like a good backup to the backup as you say, if everything else falls through husband can stay with the toddler and the doula can go to the hospital.
Anonymous says
When #2 was born she was induced. My mom came up (2.5 hours) and stayed with her.
#3 was early. I went into labor at 6am, my moms hopped into the car. We all (me, DH, 2 year old, 5 year old) got ready and went to the hospital, I got checked in and DH took the girls to the cafeteria. DH hung with the older two in the maternity ward for about 45 minutes until my mom showed up. She took them home and DH stayed with me. She brought them back a few hours later to meet their sibling.
If she didn’t make it, DH would have stayed home with the kids if it was middle of the night, or dropped me at the Hosptial if it was same-day.
Anon says
I was the nearby good friend for some friends in the same daycare. They had an overnight “go bag” packed for their child and the agreement was that they could call and drop him and the bag off any time day or night. I had an extra car seat so I could take him to daycare and back on the same schedule as my own, and we’d make it a fun sleepover (with lots of Facetimes) until they were ready to come back from the hospital.
In the end, she headed over during the workday. Luckily I had a key and was working from home that day so I was able to go get both go bags, take hers to the hospital over lunch, and then pick him up from daycare. We kept him two nights and while we weren’t exactly on his preferred routine (had to balance his needs with my kids), it went well and everyone had a good time.
One extra thing Mom suggested I do was help him pick out a small present for the baby, and also buy a small present from Baby to him. So when he got to meet his little sister, she “brought” him a toy that he had loved at our house. It seemed to really help turn the shock into excitement and made the experience a fun sleepover more than a scary disruption.
Bette says
You sound like an amazing friend – I’m sure they were so grateful to have you! I think this will end up being our primary backup plan. Our closest friends live in the same neighborhood and our kids go to the same daycare, one of them even works from home, so it’s probably the least disruptive situation. Love the suggestion about the kids exchanging gifts, definitely going to add that to the plan!
TheElms says
With my second I had a scheduled induction and the plan was for my MIL in law to come (she is a flight away or a 8 hour drive). Older daughter was in part time preschool and with a nanny in the afternoons. Our nanny was our backup plan but she also lives 25-45 minutes away depending on the time of day/traffic/weather (I was due in winter). Our second backup plan was a combo of a friend in the neighborhood and our across the street neighbor (but they had travel scheduled a couple weeks before my due date for 3 days). We discussed that in a true emergency we would call and then if that didn’t work we’d bang on the door until someone woke up (possibly with older kid with us to drop at their house).
However, I ended up needing to be induced even earlier than scheduled for blood pressure reasons. We did get a little notice (the afternoon before) that it was likely to happen so we were able to move up MIL’s flight but she didn’t arrive quite in time. Older daughter was at preschool and I drove myself to the hospital. Nanny was on her way as backup and stayed until my MIL could get there. My husband picked up older daughter from preschool to tell her what was happening and then joined me at the hospital and I had a c-section an hour-ish later. It wasn’t ideal but it worked fine.
Anon says
We called my sister in law, who lives 90 minutes away. If she wouldn’t have made it in time, our plan was to knock on our neighbor’s door to wait with my son while his aunt arrived – we don’t know her well but she would have been perfectly happy to do that. If it was a true emergency my husband would have dropped me off by myself.
Anonymous says
I watched my friend’s 4 year old (along with my 4 year old) while she was giving birth for 3 days in May 2020 in NYC because if her husband ever left the hospital he would not be allowed back in. I was a single parent at the time. The kids still remember it as The Greatest Sleepover Ever and talk about it at least weekly. I got stress hives but it was worth it.
Vicky Austin says
Low stakes baby name question: how much weight do you give to initials spelling out a word? We’re not into monogramming things, so I doubt it would come up much, but curious if other folks notice.
Anon says
A little weight, but not a ton. We had a first name picked out and we chose a middle name that started with a certain letter so that it would spell something cute (SAM). I would avoid the obvious bad ones like A S S.
Monograms are different than initials though, I think my daughter’s monogram would SMA because the last name is in the middle.
AwayEmily says
My initial spell a word and I LOVED it as a kid and honestly still kinda do.
Anon says
Depends on the word. I know someone who is big into monogramming things and her (white) daughter’s initials are BLM. Her kid was born before the movement went major so she couldn’t have helped it, but I would cool it on the monogramming (at least in that order) if it were me. Another very preppy (obviously, she was monogramming) girl growing up was “EMO” which was silly because she so clearly was not emo. I would definitely avoid anything really inappropriate. My friend’s kid was almost A- S- S and my husband vetoed H.J. for a boy.
Anonymous says
It’s something I consider, but don’t put a lot of weight on it. I recognize that if the initials spell a word, it could (but won’t necessarily) be a future nickname. DH’s initials are MAC, and no one has ever called him “Mac”, which honestly has sort of surprised me that hasn’t happened.
I DO put a lot of weight into what else out in the world uses the initials, so I would Google that if I was in your position. For example, I personally would not want my child’s initials to be “NRA”.
Anonymous says
Depends. Like not Flora Alice Grant but yes Caroline Amelia Thatcher.
Vicky Austin says
Let’s say we’re considering Flora Alice Patterson…am I the one with the dirty mind? Or is this one you’d avoid?
Anon says
I would avoid that one personally.
Anonymous says
We only checked to make sure that it didn’t spell anything that would get the kid made fun of.
Cb says
Yeah, and honestly, I keep forgetting my kid has a middle name. He has a double no hyphen surname (think Grey Fox) so it feels like quite a lot of name already.
PSA – I regret not hyphenating. We both changed our names and should have stuck a hyphen in there.
anotheranon says
Why?? (semi considering this for the future)
Anonymous says
I grew up with an un hyphenated double last name (in the US) and it was constantly wrong on everything because no one had heard of such a thing. All my school records were wrong, even my original SSN card was wrong, getting a passport was a challenge, etc. maybe it’s easier now? I’d also recommend if you go that route be 100 percent consistent- don’t use just one of the last names for things (like school records).
Anonymous says
We decided to make our adopted son’s initials match DH’s, so I guess I do give some weight to it. That also allowed us to keep his birth middle name. His first name was a nickname and I did t like the full version, so we changed it. Their initials also spell a word but it’s literally never come up. I actually had forgotten until you asked.
Anonymous says
I had a friend in high school whose initials spelled HAG, and she was mortified about it (and changed her last name when she married.) I would avoid initials that spell a rude/insulting word. My brother’s first-middle initials are BJ, and I’m unaware if anyone other than my dad ever commented on it.
Anonymous says
Have any of you successfully downsized? Our house is both too big for us and poorly set up for kids (loud, open floor plan, lots of access points to the pool – which we have covered atm). We’re walking distance to the elementary school, so I should probably just be thankful, but I dream of relocating to a one story.
Scilady says
Kind of? We had a move to another state for work, but we went from a 3,600 sq ft house in the suburbs to a 1100 sq ft house in a much more urban area. We have 2 adults and 2 kids in our family and wanted to prioritize walkability and transportation. We didn’t like managing a huge house (where we only used some of the rooms) and our yard was also too much work.
We all are really enjoying our location now despite a house 1/3 the size or so. We really had to go through our stuff (and we have to go through it even more) as we have to be much more conscious about what we bring in (and what furniture fits well). If you are open to downsizing, I would definitely try and start looking.
Identify what your family needs to have in their house. We currently live on a one level ranch with an unfinished basement (1 bathroom, 3 bedrooms). We have plans to finish the basement (lounge area/ workout space/ another bathroom/ office which will serve our family in the long run. Only negative so far is that sound travels a lot more from the main room to the bedrooms. The kids use white noise machines and we blew insulation into interior walls to help with sound. Replacing the doors with solid wood are next.
It can be done, and it can be freeing! Just make sure your family (and you) will be okay with less stuff.
GCA says
Off tangent but hello Scilady! Sounds like the move went well, where did you end up? Email me :)
It’s not the size of the house for me but the number of bedrooms, I think. We currently rent a 1000sf 2BR with two kids, and while there’s enough living space, it would be really nice for them to each have their own space as they get older.
Scilady says
Hello hello! Just sent an email :)
Anon says
I am starting to travel more for work again and am finding that leaving my two young kids makes me extremely anxious. I never used to be like this, but I got so used to having everyone home and “in the nest” during Covid that I find being geographically far from them incredibly difficult. I know they’re in good hands with their caretakers but I find it really hard to relax or focus totally when I’m far away from them, and I frequently find myself ruminating on worst case scenarios.
Has anyone else experienced this? I don’t have a lot of anxiety typically, so this is new for me. Is this the kind of thing I’d ask my doctor about Xanax for?
Anon says
Probably not Xanax, which is a strong sedative, but they can give you something. I would talk to your doctor, yes.
Cb says
I’d probably give it a few more weeks to settle into the routine. I travel weekly and was pretty anxious at first but then settled in.
Anon says
I used a therapist to help with strategies on managing the regular, intrusive worst case scenario thoughts, but it didn’t truly get better until I started a low dose of Lexapro. I had a few other anxiety symptoms that I was working on as well so that may be another piece of it, but definitely ask your doctor for options on how to manage.