Ladies, what is your best advice for new working moms about maternity leave, returning to work, and balancing everything — and your best general new mom tips? What tips and tricks were given to you, and what ones do you pass along to other new moms?
Best Advice for New Moms (General)
- Bring a nail file with you to the hospital because babies are born with vampire nails!
- Make sure your partner understands that he or she really needs to be your advocate during labor and delivery because you will be in pain, exhausted, and not really making sense. A doula can also fill this role! (This was my big lesson from my first son’s birth!)
- If you can, get a pedicure when you’re close to your due date — I didn’t for my first and remember being annoyed staring at my scrabbly toes but unable to find they time to paint them without the baby around.
- Go into the delivery room with a flexible plan — it’s OK to say you’d like to avoid an epidural, or that you’d rather not use formula until month six — but at the end of the day things will go the way they go.
- If you worry about your baby nursing or latching, ask the hospital to see their lactation consultant; if they don’t have one, ask for a tiny bottle of formula and try to use it to entice the baby to nurse. (Put a few drops on the baby’s tongue, then a few drops on your nipple.) My milk took days to come in both times, and my kids definitely got a few bottles of formula in the early days.
Advice for Maternity Leave
- Don’t plan on doing too much — just give yourself over to baby’s schedule.
- Don’t beat yourself up if you fall down a hole with a completely mindless binge show while breastfeeding — with my first baby it was Property Brothers; with my second it was Shark Tank. At a certain point the tedium will get to you and you can turn to more educational maternity leave projects, but unless and until that happens, don’t worry about it too much.
- Keep an eye on your work email and voicemails to the extent you need to (for some people that may be never; for others it may be once a week or only once a day), but for the most part try not to respond to things that other people are in charge of or capable of handling. Keep this time sacred for yourself and your family.
{see more of our tips for your maternity leave}
Advice for New Working Moms
- Be gentle with yourself — it may not go how you expect it to go. (Newsflash: None of parenting goes how you expect it to go.) You may think you’ll be teary-eyed and nervous but instead you’re super excited to jump back in — on the flip side, you may think you’re eager to get back and then find yourself obsessing over your baby all day. Both are normal reactions!
- Limit your commitments during the baby’s first year and encourage your partner to do the same. I’m not quite sure what it is about “new baby,” but I’ve known several men to react by joining extracurricular sports leagues or picking up new intensive hobbies. Yeah, no. In fact, have your partner watch this video on marriage and feminism (NSFW) (and maybe read our older post on how to get your partner to care about the little stuff).
- Speaking of your partner: Set expectations early that you two will be sharing parenting and household duties. Here are some dimensions to consider when discussing sharing parenting duties; in general it works best if one of you takes full domain over various categories instead of splitting them. (Particularly drop-off and pickup — if at all possible have one person in charge of drop-off and one person in charge of pickup if that’s in your routine. And if you’re driving, put your shoe or bag in the backseat with your baby!)
- Nursing when you’re back to work: Pumping stinks, and you worry your supply is dropping no matter what you do. I’ve also known some moms who say that they “feel like they can’t be themselves” while producing milk — we had a fun discussion a few years ago about how Type A women react in very different ways to breastfeeding. Know that combination feeding is an option — and so is stopping nursing entirely! On the flip side, I’ve known some women who nursed for years while working (different kids, but still, years of pumping). Do what’s right for you and your family and don’t get too hung up on what other people and society may be telling you.
- A note on “feeling like yourself again” — a postpartum identity crisis is definitely a thing. It happens. Honor this huge life change that you’ve just gone through and don’t try to force yourself back into your old framework too soon. You may get back there, you may not; this is a time to assess old priorities and figure out where new priorities fit. The first year in particular is a whirlwind, but I’d guess that I started to see glimpses of my old self around the time the kids were 2.
OK readers, over to you. That’s some of my best advice for new moms; what’s yours?
Stock photo via Stencil.
Michelle Carroll says
Bring a camera to the hospital and take a photo of your new little family as soon as that baby is wrapped and in your arms. You may look terrible, but you’ll look back one day and be thankful you have it. It’s truly the sweetest moment to capture. While on leave, get your baby into some sort of schedule. It will help tremendously when you head back to work. Last but not least…. Invest in good mascara, concealer, lip gloss and dry shampoo. These are my life lines for super rushed week day mornings.
sfg says
If breastfeeding – have your baby evaluated at the hospital for lip and tongue tie (even if latch seems OK initially), and then again by your pediatrician at the first appointment or two if there are any latch issues. My kiddo was a little early and a lot of her early latch issues were attributed to her gestational age. When I finally realized she had a lip tie, it was too late to take care of it without anesthesia (and it didn’t cause any other issues that were harmful to her).
Also: velcro swaddles.
EB0220 says
I agree with both of these pieces of advice. My second was growing well and no one suspected tongue/lip tie but I forced the issue with my pediatrician/lactation consultant because latch felt weird.
Also +1 on velcro swaddles.
HSAL says
I’d go one step further and have a consult with an independent IBCLC, not just the hospital LC, preferably within a day or two of coming home from the hospital.
But no to the velcro swaddles – I HATED them. Loved the Woombie and the Love to Dream. Zippers all the way.
Anonymouse says
Baby carriers! Ask other recent moms what they’ve liked, look at them in the store, but put at least one on your registry. They are lots that aren’t very expensive (especially for the tiny stage) and they will give your arms a break. Also, local baby wearing groups can be a great outing during maternity leave.
Anonymous says
When should I expect a national chain-type daycare center to tell me if they have a spot for me? I’m due in 4 weeks, will need a spot starting after Thanksgiving. Also, when should I start putting together a back-up plan (nanny)?
Anon says
In my experience, a month or two out, which is plenty of time to find a nanny. I would continue checking in between now and your expected start date though, just to reaffirm your interest and remind them you exist. Our daycare is wonderful at communicating with enrolled parents, but terrible at communicating with prospective parents (they have a 2+ year waitlist, so they don’t really feel the need to do any sales or marketing, which I get, but is still kind of frustrating).
ElisaR says
Goddard was able to guarantee me a spot for a certain month by that point but they said they *might* be able to get me in earlier. I found out about a month before that we did get the earlier month (which i totally needed). Major stress about it.
Anonymous says
Thank you!
Anonymous says
Babywearing for sure.
Nursing may be uncomfortable initially but shouldn’t hurt, get help if it’s painful. Lanolin, so much lanolin.
If baby’s crying, that’s okay – it doens’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, you’ll learn to figure it out.
Leave the house every day even if you just walk around the block.
Talk or text at least one friend every day.
It’s okay to let baby sleep on you in carrier or co-sleep. Don’t worry about setting up lifelong habits, just do what feels right for you.
It’s okay to hand your DH the baby as soon as he walks in the door from work, and then walk out the door and get 20 minutes (or however long) outdoors by yourself.
If it’s winter, you can still take baby outside lots for fresh air for you both.
AnotherAnon says
Ask for help. Order online. Store brand diapers work just as well. Don’t hand wash bottles. If the choice is between anything else and sleep – CHOOSE SLEEP. Don’t forget to shower. You are amazing.
Anonymous says
These are generally on point! But I respectfully disagree with giving your baby a bottle/formula to assist with nursing. Instead, I’d encourage nursing and recommend a nursing mom work with a certified lactation consultant if she has any issues with latching or supply. Also, I think it’s worth noting that the WHO recommends nursing to 2 years old so if a new mom can nurse / pump, it’s good to try! Nursing / pumping is so much more doable with a village to support you (be it other nursing moms, lactation consultants, or La Leche League Groups).
Also, I’m a big advocate that maternity leave is sacred, and that while you may be willing to work, your choice to work sets a precedent for others who do not want to (or perhaps cannot, due to medical complications or colicky babies) work while on leave.
If you plan on daycare, and live in a major city, get on a wait list in your first or second trimester. Don’t wait until baby comes!
+1 baby wearing.
+1 be kind and gentle to yourself.
+1 walk and get fresh air.
Try to get your baby on a sleep schedule (but don’t cancel plans because of it) but remember it’s totally okay to hold baby while he or she sleeps. You’ll have a wiggly toddler before you know it.
dc123 says
im going to have to push back on this comment. While i appreciate the encouragement to nurse, there is nothing wrong with giving the baby formula at the hospital to assist with nursing. With both my babies, i gave formula at the hospital because my milk hadn’t come in yet and the baby was hungry. My first was born 4 weeks early and very small so it was imperative that she eat right away. in fact, the hospital staff gave me formula to feed her. With my second, i specifically asked for formula b/c i knew my milk would take a few days to come in. I nursed both first and then gave formula but still, had no issues with breastfeeding later on. i think it’s so important for women to hear that they can also give formula along with breastmilk and it is fine!
CPA Lady says
Agreed. It’s the presence of breast milk, not the absence of formula that provides these health benefits. There is no additional benefit your child receives from never having formula. I agree that if you want to EBF, lactation consultants and that sort of thing can be very helpful and you should seek them out. But supplementing with formula is not at all a problem. It actually kept me nursing a lot longer than I had intended to because it improved my mental health so much.
And the WHO suggestion is fine and good, but this isn’t a vacuum. The US is very unfriendly to working mothers compared to other countries. It’s just not a realistic goal for the vast majority of working women in this country. I hate when there are huge systemic problems and women get told to just “try harder” in response to them.
Anon says
Yup. Lactation consultants told me it was EBF or bust. I’m so glad I ignored them and supplemented with formula until my milk came in. My baby was huge at birth, absolutely starving and everyone was miserable as a result. When we finally gave formula she immediately started sleeping four hours at a time (vs. 15-30 minutes) and I was able to rest and recover (and the poor kid finally got full!). She’s well into toddlerhood now, still gigantic, and I’m still nursing, because it was a really enjoyable thing for me once I took the pressure off to have it be her only food source.
Anonymous says
I just want to throw out there that, with my first, I tried to nurse exclusively as my baby continued losing weight. He would just sleep all the time. We thought we were lucky until we learned he was starving. We supplemented to keep him healthy and, eventually, learned that I don’t have the ability to produce enough breastmilk (it wasn’t just coming in late).
The lactation community likes to claim that people like me are rare, but I know several other people who also had this problem so it cannot be that rare (or there’s something wrong with my city!). I just like to put it out there because I didn’t even know that was a thing. And it was heartbreaking when people would tell me to ty this or that and feel like I was failing at something that everyone can do.
With my second, we supplemented from the start and it was awesome!
anon says
I’ve read several books written by physicians that say the long-term benefits of breastfeeding have been overstated (the books were Push Back: Guilt in the Age of Natural Parenting and The Confident Parent) and that formula is a perfectly fine alternative if you live in a country with clean drinking water. Breastfeeding is great if it works for you, but new motherhood can be such a tender, painful, overwhelming time, please don’t let this one thing overshadow everything else in those early months if you don’t want to breastfeed or if it isn’t working out the way you hoped.
And I second the advice mentioned above that if your baby cries a lot, it doesn’t necessarily mean you are doing anything wrong. Babies will get less fussy as they adjust to the world and get older. It may be very hard at first, but it will get easier over time.
AwayEmily says
I read this first comment earlier in the day and decided to come back later and voice my respectful disagreement, but when I checked back in I saw it had been gracefully taken care of by all of you wonderful people. Heart emoijs all around.
Anonymous says
This is a tough one. One hand hand, it absolutely is best for some mom and baby duos. However, at least in some areas of the country, formula is pushed on mothers who wish to breastfeed due to ignorance of the hospital staff about the beginning of a healthy breastfeeding relationship. I think because different women have different experiences in this regard, this advice can be a bit of a trigger (both ways!).
Anon says
The notion that formula is pushed on new mothers is VERY outdated. It was true in the 1980s, but the US medical establishment has been extremely pro-breastfeeding since at least the early 2000s. I have friends in very diverse areas – large cities in blue states, university towns in purple states, rural areas in red states – and I don’t know anyone that had formula pushed on them. Some hospitals are supportive of any choice the mother makes, other hospitals will withhold formula from mothers that want it. Technically, to be a “baby friendly” hospital in the United States, you can’t provide formula unless a doctor certifies that it’s medically necessary. “Medically necessary” means the baby is literally starving without formula. The mother’s mental health and the child’s happiness are not factors. I think that’s really messed up, and also not necessarily conducive to the stated goal of ensuring a long breastfeeding relationship. Giving myself permission to supplement was the only reason breastfeeding was so successful for me. My daughter was breastfed for far long than any of my friends’ EBFed babies, and I haven’t seen any convincing evidence that feeding 100% breastmilk is more important than breastfeeding for a longer duration, as far as any health benefits go. I think a lot of the studies about health benefits for the mom specifically focus on duration of nursing – the longer you nurse, the less likely you are to get breast cancer for example.
I also think it’s interesting that there are almost no good studies that address combo feeding. If you read a lot of the articles about why breastfeeding is good, they compare women who exclusively breastfed to women who exclusively formula fed. That proves breastmilk has certain benefits that formula doesn’t. It doesn’t prove that the only way to get those benefits is by exclusive breastfeeding and it doesn’t disprove the theory (shared by my ped and many others) that a baby who gets 80/20 bmilk/formula gets 99%+ of the benefits of breastmilk. It’s the presence of antibodies and other good stuff that matters to confer immunity, etc., not the absence of formula.
anon says
A lot of the benefits attributed to breastfeeding may just be class differences and differences in financial status, because studies are just observational and cannot easily untangle these factors. “Breast is best” has become an unquestioned norm among educated, wealthier people in our society, but the science is not as bullet proof as people assume. Although formula companies are vilified, there is a huge industry behind breastfeeding as well.
Formula used to be seen as a desirable option when it was expensive, but when the price dropped, breastfeeding became the go-to option to prove your status as a mom. Breastfeeding is also expensive in its own way, because you have to put so much time, energy, and medical support into it to make it viable, and if you don’t have a job with any kind of maternity leave, you probably won’t breastfeed for long.
I say all this as someone who tried really hard to breastfeed and has breastfed my daughter for nine months now. But it’s good to recognize the other side of the coin.
EDW says
This! I tried breastfeeding exclusively, had multiple visits with a lactation consultant, tried pumping, etc. Two months post-birth and my son hadn’t budged from his birth weight. He needed a lot more than I could give him, and as we gradually supplemented with and then switched to formula around the two month mark, everything got 1000x better. He gained weight and started sleeping through the night within a couple of weeks of starting formula, I didn’t spend all of my time worrying about breastfeeding success and actually enjoyed my baby/got some sleep myself, husband and family could help feed, etc. I respect the decision to nurse, but in retrospect am highly annoyed that everyone pushed breastfeeding so hard, when the long term benefits that are exclusively attributable to breastfeeding appear to negligible, or at least extremely hard to prove.
To be clear, I have no issues with breastfeeding and think there are many pros even if you take away the alleged health benefits–but I think it’s misleading to treat it as some kind of magic bullet that will guarantee a better health outcome for the child and a better mother-baby bond. Sometimes it doesn’t go well, or mom doesn’t want to or can’t nurse (exclusively or at all), and there is no shame in making sure your baby is fed in whatever way works while preserving the sanity of your family.
Lana Del Raygun says
Studies of siblings, which are the best way we have to control for class, do not show meaningful differences between breast- and formula-fed children.
CPA Lady says
Try to chill and don’t make it harder on yourself than it already is. If there is a way you can cut a corner safely and reasonably, just do it. You can always do more once your kid is older.
– signed, nearly drove myself insane obsessing over a variety of things that did not, in retrospect, matter in the slightest (which of these four sippy cups should I use??? will I ruin my child’s palate by introducing squash before green beans??? will everyone hate me if I don’t bring homemade cookies to the daycare cookie swap???, is it too much change to introduce cows milk and shoes in the same month???? etc.)
I don’t even remember the vast majority of things I’ve worried about over the past few years, and the ones I do remember have only stuck around because they are deeply hilarious in retrospect.
LadyNFS says
When I returned to work a friend gave me advice that I will pass along here – take everything in 6 week chunks. Your baby will change rapidly over the first year, and what she/you need now will change in 6 weeks, so try to evaluate decisions in that context. This helped me tremendously when I returned to work and was evaluating requests and support that I (thought) I needed.
Nursing gets easier (your experience may vary of course, but I found this advice at a LLL meeting helpful as well). In the beginning, I was tracking feedings, and counting diapers, and oz gained (baby had a tongue and lip tie that had to be corrected) and it just felt like so MUCH. Eventually, everyone settled into a routine and then nursing became so convenient and easy and just was not something that I had to think about. (Now, pumping on the other hand…not so). Hearing that advice from a nursing working mother with a 9 month old helped me when I had a 2 week old.
Anonymous says
Similarly, a good friend told me “Everything is a phase.” And then she clarified that the advice applied to both good and bad phases. So true.
Anonymous says
If you are using a day care, save leave for that first winter! Ours were constantly ill and the 24-hour rule meant I probably took another 1-2 weeks off that winter. The good news is we didn’t stay home at all the second winter.
HMoresMom says
Yes! They bring home sooo many germs that first winter of daycare. But honestly it happens to most kids in their first year of a social situation. So if you skip daycare, you don’t skip germs. You just get your year-of-the-plague when each kid starts preschool or kindergarten.
IHeartBacon says
Here are the most valuable gems I picked up from this online community when my LO was little:
1. “It’s the presence of breastmilk, not the absence of formula, that matters.” This was a mental gamechanger for me. I didn’t start nursing until my LO was 5 weeks old and then really struggled when we started. LO got a mixture of formula and pumped milk until nursing got easier. This sounds so corny now, but when I only managed to pump 1-2 ounces ALL DAY, I would swirl the bottle around at my LO before I gave it to him and say out loud: “Look at that? I made that for you. I did it because I love it.” It sounds so cheesy as I type it, but it really helped at the time.
2. When I got close to the end of my leave, I really wanted a little more time with my LO. I wanted to take off another month, but I was afraid to ask. Someone here told me that I should just ask for it because my employer would much rather give me 4 more weeks and have me return to work happy and ready to be back, than to have me return angry, resentful, and as a result, unproductive. I made the request and my employer didn’t event bat an eye. That extra month made all the difference to me.
Also, if you want to work a reduced schedule when you return from leave as part of a ramp up period, I suggest taking Wednesdays off (instead of Friday’s). This way, you get 2 days of work, 1 day off, 2 days of work, 2 days off, etc. Working 2 days in a row is so much easier than working 4 days in a row.
Here is something I recently picked up after reading I Know How She Does It, which was recommended to me by someone here. There are 168 hours in a week. If you sleep 8 hours a night and have a 60 hour workweek (which consists of 10 hours a day at the office and 2 hours a day of round trip commuting), that still leaves you with 52 hours a week to spend with your family. That is a lot of time. You have to look at time in terms of weeks (168 hours) instead of days (24 hours) because it is physically impossible to fit all components of your life into 24 hours.
Finally, don’t be so fixated on capturing a precious moment on video or by taking a perfect photo. Live it in real time.
Andrea says
I Know How She Does It was a game changer for me – highly recommend for all working mamas.
Sandy says
That sounds feasible
HMoresMom says
1) Have your partner give baby at least one middle-of-the-night feed each night, so you can get at least 4-5 hours of sustained sleep. If you need, have someone give baby a second bottle of pumped milk during the day so you can nap. Also, when you come home from the hospital and baby hasn’t figured out days and nights, taking shifts works best. One of you is up 9pm-3am and the other does 3am-9am. Your sleep is your sanity, and your sanity matters! If you run too short on sleep postpartum depression and anxiety are more likely to set in, and you will also have trouble problem solving newborn baby challenges.
2). Push your husband or partner to take off all the time that they can. Sadly most of the men I see don’t do this! Studies show that the more time fathers take off, the more they end up helping for the next 18 years!!- because they are around more during the crucial role shift that happens after every time a baby is born in a family. Obviously parental leave laws and policies vary by state and employer, but the key is for husbands to do what they can. If that means skipping a guys’ fishing trip or babymoon so you can bond more with your baby when they are born, well it’s worth it.
3). Know that you WILL find your groove again- in stages. Every couple months you will reclaim another tiny piece of yourself- your body, your sleep, your confidence, etc..
HMoresMom says
Oh and if you plan on pumping and going back to work, get to know either the kiinde system or freemie cups or both.
With the kiinde system you pump right into really high quality milk bags (that cost the same as normal milk bags). When you are ready to feed baby, you put a plastic bottle holder on top of the milk bag, put a really high quality nipple on it, and feed baby. It is an amazing new product, and very reasonably priced too. Plus you don’t have to heat breast milk twice (once to make bottles for daycare and then again when they give the baby the bottle). You just send the milk bags to daycare, and they heat them once when they give the bottle.
The Freemie cups are cups that connect to your pump and collect your milk, and they fit in your bra. This only worked for me farther along in my pumping journey, after my oversupply resolves (don’t be jealous, oversupply causes dangerous mastitis too). I would put my Freemie cups in before I left home, and connect the tubing to my Spectra S9 when I got on the train or in the car to commute. I had a big winter coat on and the train is loud, so no one could tell I was pumping. Then I just poured the milk into bags when I got to work. This meant fewer pumping breaks during my workday.
Marshmallow says
This is an amazing tip re using the Freemies to pump on the train– thank you! Signed, going back in two weeks…
HMoresMom says
I thought of a couple more:
-when returning to work, drop kiddo off at daycare or the babysitter one day early, before you return to work- just for a short day. This is a practice run so you can see everything you need set up for the morning, and it lets you and baby get first-day-apart emotions out before you are in front of coworkers.
-Breastfeeding is a family affair- a family commitment. When baby is first born you will spend 8+ hours per day actively pumping and/or nursing. That will come down to 4-6 hours per day once you have your feeding system down- but it is a big time commitment. I had a lactation consultant show my husband how to wash and assemble all of the breast pump and bottle parts, and explain to him this was the best way a husband can support a family breastfeeding commitment. He washed all of those bottles and pump parts every night for a full year with each of my kiddos. Basically any activity that does not involve actively removing milk from you is game for delegation to anyone who can help.
Lana Del Raygun says
Honestly, my advice is Just Say No To Pumping. It’s not worth the hassle unless you somehow have way more time than money. I calculated how much formula money I saved by pumping, and it worked out to like $2.50/hour, or almost $10 if you only count the time I was actively engaged in storing milk, setting up the pump, etc, but not the time I was “working” but really distracted. (Neither of these figures includes the time my husband spent washing pump parts!) Valuing my time at even HALF my hourly rate makes pumped milk orders of magnitude more expensive than formula. And pumping is stressful! Ugh. Never again.
Meghan says
Because you never know how sleep will go, do as much as you can the night/weekend before. I pick and iron my outfits for the week on Sunday night. It saves me a lot of morning frustration. (This also came in really handy the morning my son made a mess all over me during drop-off. I ran home and did not have to think before grabbing Tuesday’s outfit). I also switched to showering the night before. My son wakes up any time between 5:15 and 7:00 (woof) so not having to worry about squeezing in both showering and nursing in the morning makes things much easier.
My biggest surprise as a working parent was the number of sick days we’d experience. January and February were BRUTAL for my son, and I literally had pink eye (and could not wear mascara) for the entire month of March. Do your best to line up a plan with your employer/partner/back-up sitter for those dreaded afternoon daycare calls. And if you can, spend some time home hugging your little one when he’s sick. During most viruses, hugs and breastmilk are the best you can do for your sick kid.