The Postpartum Identity Crisis: Feeling Like Yourself After Having a Baby
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Did you feel like you went through a postpartum identity crisis as a new mom? How long did it take you to “feel like yourself” after giving birth and becoming a mom? Do you think you ever did, or rather just found a new groove as a mom? Which activities helped you feel like your old self again, and which ones made the difference most obvious?
This is a big topic, but I think it’s a really important one. It’s also one of the things that was most — surprising, I guess? — about the whole experience of becoming a mom. Looking back I think, of COURSE everything is going to change once you have kids — and of course no one can explain it to you or prepare you for it beforehand.
{related: how do you define yourself after having kids?}
The first time I had an inkling that it might take a while to feel like myself again was at my postpartum checkup with my first son. When I mentioned that I wasn’t feeling like myself, the midwife casually said, “It’ll be two years before you feel like a woman again.” I thought it was the meanest thing anyone could say to me in that moment.
When I mentioned that I wasn’t feeling like myself, the midwife casually said, “It’ll be two years before you feel like a woman again.” I thought it was the meanest thing anyone could say to me in that moment.
I also wasn’t really clear on how she meant it. Physically? Emotionally? It was a bit of a mystery. But around the time my son turned 18 months, I finally started getting my groove back. It was like seeing a glimmer at the end of a long tunnel — and I realized it was this memory of who I’d been before becoming a mom.
It wasn’t just the lack of sleep, the lack of me time… it wasn’t just my new mom body… it wasn’t just missing my 20s and early 30s, or the freedom that came with being a DINK.
{related: If you’re still in the sticky-fingered-toddler stage of parenting, you need to check out our list of the best brands for washable workwear – we also feature trendy washable workwear every Wednesday, and have done roundups of just washable basics for work outfits}
For me, the easiest way to think about it — the way I’ve finally settled on thinking about it — was that becoming a mom meant the almost total death of my carefree self. I won’t be totally carefree, ever again. It sounds heavy, but I don’t think any parent ever will. There are so many positive trade-offs, of course — the joy my boys bring me on a daily basis, the way my heart sings when I look over and they’re both having a snuggle with daddy, the sense of contentment — of completeness — I feel with my family, the pride I feel for their growing up so well. But not carefree — I am never carefree.
In the three and a half years since becoming a mom, I’ve broached the topic with a few friends, privately and even at parties, and it’s amazing how everyone seems to feel like this — dads, moms, everyone. We all struggle with this new reality.
I think it might be more difficult for Type A women, as I tend to associate us with having a stronger sense of self. I’ve mentioned this before, but I saw one successful woman recently note on Facebook that she stopped nursing her children at the 15-week mark to regain a sense of herself — but I don’t think it would have been that easy for me, even if I had stopped nursing then.
{related: Type A women discuss: breastfeeding vs formula}
Part of this is a problem of time, or lack thereof — between family and work there hasn’t been a ton of time for doing some of the things I’ve done in the past to get my groove back, such as taking a writing class just for the joy of writing.
I don’t know, guys — the postpartum identity crisis is a big topic, and one I’ve been hesitant to write about for fear of choosing the wrong words. What has your experience been with this? Did you feel like you lost “yourself” for a while after you became a mother? What helped you find yourself again?
Psst: some great books for working mothers:
Some of the best books for working mothers include:
Photo credit: Shutterstock/irin-k.
I realize this is an old post, but I’m going to go ahead and comment because it speaks to me now. I am really struggling. I’m 11 months post partum and I feel like it’s been getting progressively worse at work, not better, since I returned 8 months ago. I’m so completely checked out, despite truly loving my job and coworkers. And yes, it’s partially driven by the fact that it’s winter and my son has had nonstop daycare plagues for five months straight. But I’m so tired. I can’t focus. And I have no idea how to get my groove back. I started therapy about a month back but it has yet to make any real difference. I feel like I’m actually doing well at this parenting thing, and my relationship with my husband is great. It’s just that there’s nothing left of me to care about or focus on work :-/
It is honestly nice to hear I’m not alone. I began saying to my husband around the 6 months mark of our child’s life that I felt lost. I felt guilty wanting “me time”and sleep. I went back to a very busy work environment after maternity leave, even having to train a new employee my first day back and being required to pick up extra hours. My child basically didn’t sleep the first 5 months of life, and I nursed up to 15 months. I went to my doctor when my baby turned 13 months and I still did not feel better. I was crying all the time and putting myself down constantly. I was prescribed medication but amazingly did not end up taking it. My doctor told me not to be so hard on myself. He said “you aren’t crazy, it’s just a lot on your plate the first year with a baby”. In a strange way these words were so helpful. Anyway, My child is now 17 months and I am beginning to feel like myself again. Like many other’s said I feel I’m coming out of crisis mode and looking forward to managing life. It’s now becoming fun and exciting. Thanks for the honesty from all. Hearing I am not alone gives me encouragement that this is the normal transition process into motherhood.
With my first, I started to feel more like myself once i stopped breastfeeding at 11 months. The stress of exclusively breastfeeding for a baby that wouldn’t take a bottle or pacifier ever! Was getting me down to the point where I was feeling trapped and depressed. So I made a decision and just went cold turkey and switched to formula. Of course my baby took to it instantly!…go figure..but after that point I felt like a weight was lifted. Then a month after that I returned to work and just got back into that groove.
Thank yo for writing this! I’m 9 months in and I honestly was starting to worry about myself. After spending the day feeling a bit low I cottoned on to the fact that this has been such a change and everyone tells you about the physical changes and the lack of sleep and the massive learning curve but no one really mentions the emotional changes apart from scaring you about PND. I really feel you’ve hit the nail on the head! I love my son and now he’s 9 months it’s become so enjoyable over the past few months but I do feel I am mourning the loss of my old self and I’m not quite sure what or who my new self is! And I am struggling with that as I’ve always know myself pretty well. And like you say it’s not being able to just not being that carefree person anymore. Not to say that’s bad think I just feel like I am in a tunnel of change and I am looking forward to getting out of that and getting know this new mummy me! Good to hear it’s not just me!
I am 3 months post partum and just returned to work. Working helps me feel a little more like my old self, but I don’t have the time, energy or desire to do the things I used to do for fun. Fun now is getting into be early so I can enjoy 12 hours of broken sleep!
When I first got pregnant, I worried a lot about being “Mommy tracked.” I didn’t even announce my pregnancy at work until I was 22 weeks (just had the anatomy scan showing all was well and just started showing) because I was worried I’d be taken off a large project I was on.
Well…no one mommy tracked me but sometimes I wish they would! I hate admitting that and I feel like I am setting feminism back, but pregnancy made me extremely tired and I felt like I didn’t perform well. Like others mentioned, it may not have been the case because I was actually promoted and given a raise despite my self-perceived slacking. And of course now post partum, being sleep deprived is not great for my performance. Combine that with feeling like the only time I have a moment to myself is at work (since baby is with the sitter) so work time is spent day dreaming and googling more than in the past and I feel like a regular slacker!
I felt pretty great around the three-month mark. A couple of things helped to make a difference: super supportive spouse who takes on a huge part of kid/house responsibilities; running (I’m admittedly addicted to running — I have to do it around 5 times a week and if I can do that all is right in my world); and nursing. I don’t know if this is a thing, but I swear I got high off of nursing. My let-down was accompanied by an intense feeling of relaxation and well-being, which is why I think I nursed both of my kids for so long. It also really helped me lose a lot of weight — I weigh less when I’m nursing than any other time in my life — so I was able to wear things I could never get away with at my “normal” weight and that made me feel great.
Still pregnant, so take this all with a grain of salt.
I found that during the first trimester I really didn’t feel like myself. My clothes weren’t fitting right, but I wasn’t showing, just bloated, didn’t like food, always felt tired, always felt “off.” I haven’t had little mister yet, so I’m sure that there will be a transition, but that fog of the first three months gave me an idea that I need to focus some time on taking care of me. Once I got back into working out a little (prenatal yoga/water aerobics for the win!) and eating regular food again (instead of the ritz crackers and chicken noodle soup that were the only appealing foods during the first bit) helped me regain a sense of equilibrium. Obviously I’m prepared to be completely shellshocked by having a baby – I’m a prepare for the worst kind of person – but it is nice to see that even with first time moms there is light at the end of the tunnel – even if it is a LONG tunnel.
My oldest is 3 and my younger son is 10 weeks. Oddly, I feel more like myself now than I have since I got pregnant with #1. I’m not sure why. And I feel more motivated to focus on my career than I have in a long time. Like a lot of posters I dislike how my postpartum body has turned out and wish I could exercise, but I’m kind of ok with it.
Timely! Just this weekend, I commented to my husband: I feel like myself. My daughter just turned three.
Over the weekend, I drove alone to a conference on topics I really care about, an hour outside the city, amidst rolling hills and dairy farms. Being outside, talking deeply with others on these topics, and knowing my daughter was having a great day with daddy allowed me to be more relaxed and unconcerned – and freer to just be myself – than I’ve been in a very long time. Just driving away – by myself – felt very freeing.
For both my husband and me, one of the biggest losses has been outdoor, alone or together. Of course, we can go on hikes or strolls with our daughter, but we used to spend full LONG days outside, pushing ourselves hard and coming home by headlamp. I don’t know if we’ll ever get that back. As a parent, I’m not comfortable doing some of the things I used to do.
Wearing real-people clothes and doing my hair and make-up every day were huge for me. At first I thought “oh, now I’m a mom I’ll just let my hair air-dry and it’ll be okay.” But it was never me in the mirror. Drying my hair takes 8 min (I’ve timed it) start to finish and it’s totally worth it. Getting the rest of our lives in place has been more of a process, but we’ve really approached it one thing at a time. At first it was just getting me into the shower at least 3x/week (on maternity leave). Then it was returning to work. Then getting the babies on a schedule. Now at 12 mo., we’re finally cleaning out things that have piled up, doing household maintenance, cooking dinner and packing lunches every night. AND we use Saturday naptime for mommy/daddy “nap” time. We try to fit it in other times during the week, too, but having an hour or so every Saturday for just us is great.
As for the never being carefree, I feel that. Exactly that. Even an evening out with friends isn’t the same. The quote “Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” sums it up perfectly for me. I say I “love” my children, but love doesn’t get close. It’s like they’re part of me, the most important, most vulnerable part. I don’t think them growing up makes you any more carefree because then who knows where they are or what they’re doing or if they’re safe. Every night I look at my boys sleeping in the nursery, I feel grateful they’re there where I can touch them and think about how hard it will be when they’re sleeping somewhere else and I can’t peek at them before bed. And they’ll have problems I can’t fix and face dangers I can’t fend off.
I don’t feel like my pre-baby self at all, and like another poster said, I don’t want to. I have this whole new dimension – I’m a mom! And I love my daughter so much. I can’t imagine my life without her and I don’t want to. I do want to figure out a way to be more active, ideally *with* my daughter so I don’t have to sacrifice weekend time with her, but I figure that will come. For now, I’m trying to enjoy the slow speed of a baby, and I’m seeing the pace pick up as she grows into a toddler (she’s 13 months). I really love being a mom and I’m so happy that I get to be my daughter’s mom.
/I’ll probably get flack for saying any of that, but oh well. It’s on topic.
ETA: I had severe PPD and I’m still on meds + in therapy which has obviously made a huge difference.
Ooooo, this is such an interesting topic. In many ways I still feel like myself, and never felt like I was not “myself” in terms of personality, even from day one. That said, I was expecting having a baby to be REALLY really hard and kind of awful. I was expecting for it to ruin my body, whatever that means, and I was also expecting to get PPD. And yes, while having a newborn was hard, having a baby has been way more fun than I thought it would be, and I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how much I’ve enjoyed it. And even though my body looks slightly different I have also surprised myself by not giving a crap. My husband and I have also made it a point almost from the very beginning to take time to have fun/do stuff for ourselves occasionally both together and individually. But I actually like hanging out with my daughter too.
The thing that I am struggling with is the feeling that I’ve sort of let myself go. I look decently good at work, but I caught sight of myself in a mirror at Target last weekend and was mildly horrified. I think part of that is the long winter and the fact that I kondo-ed my wardrobe and have basically no clothes and a lot of gaps in my wardrobe that need to be filled. I have not worked out once since my daughter was born either. I think I’ll work on that this summer. I’m actually really excited about trying to start living and eating more healthily now that it’s not just me anymore.
I do agree with the increase in worry and vulnerability, but “luckily” (?) I’ve always been anxious, so my new ramped up level of worry is not something that makes me feel less like myself.
Good childcare is huge. Our first place was just ok and I was having trouble focusing at work. I needed to find a daycare that I loved. So I went back on the hunt and found a great place. Paying more was rough, but it was worth it to me to have the peace of mind. Once that was taken care of, everything else started falling into place. As my daughter got older, she was excited to see her teachers and told me all about the awesome stuff they did during the day. She is now 3 and I think she likes school more than being at boring old home.
The daycare was right by our house. So if I had a really hard day of work, I could go home and decompress for a few minutes before picking my daughter up. As she got older, I would use the time to make her dinner. At first, I felt a little guilty, but soon I realized that it was better to be in a good mood when I picked her up, then in a thinking about all the things I still needed to do at work mood. It was a good way to move from work to mom and have some alone time. It is really important to have that time for yourself. Finding a time in your day just to be yours is a really big deal. Even if it is just a few minutes.
Lastly, I would say my biggest leap to feeling normal and not overtaxed was that I turned off my cell phone when I came home. Nothing is an emergency at night. Before babies I could check emails, take phone calls, cook dinner, etc. But after babies, I realized that the phone was too much. Funny enough, no one really noticed that I stopped answering emails at 8pm. I do get into work a little early so that I can send responses back first thing, but it is not that much of a hardship. I have even been promoted since, so I can definitely say that not being attached to my phone has worked out. The extra bajillion distractions your phone adds just stressed me out, so I dropped it. So did my husband, and he has helped out a lot more since then. Not to mention, I think we actually talk more which is nice.
This is a big topic. In the beginning, I was too overwhelmed to even worry about being myself again. At around 16 weeks postpartum, I went back to work, and – as hard as it was – it helped restore some of my sense of self / seeing myself as an individual/worker and not just a mom. I also started working out at 16 weeks PP (2 to 3x a week, so not a huge time commitment). I had never been a must-exercise type of person, but losing weight and gaining energy helped with my overall confidence and feeling more like myself.
At 12.5 months postpartum, I still don’t totally feel like myself – but I think I’m close. Like POSITA, I feel like most days are just keeping my head above water at work and at home, and going from crisis to crisis.
Honestly, though, I don’t know that there’s a way to go back and capture a “self” from the past. And do I want to? I’m not sure. There is so much I love about where I am and who I am exactly at this moment in time.
I would write a lot abt this if my baby would let me put her down today. Short version: I felt a lot more like myself about a year after the first one, second hasn’t set me back that much. The jump from one to two kids was not nearly as paradigm-shifting as dink to one kid.
Agree that carefree days are gone… But I am hopeful they’ll come back when kids are older (like, adults maybe? But sooner would be great.)