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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Spirograph says
I’m sure this has been discussed before, but I can’t find it at the moment.
Daycare teacher gift question. I plan on giving my kids’ teachers gifts at Christmas, but the baby is moving to a different room this month. I’m going to bring in an edible thank you gift for all the teachers and helpers in her current room on her last day, but I want to do something extra for the two lead teachers as well. Do you think a cash/cash-adjacent “thank you” gift is tacky? I basically would give them the Christmas amount now, instead of at Christmas. Or I could just write thank you notes for them now, and include them on the Christmas list, even though they won’t be her current teachers anymore. Obviously I’m overthinking and they will be happy for the gift at any time, but nonetheless, thoughts?
Anonymous says
Not tacky. I usually give a good bye gift of thank you note plus gift card.
JEB says
I asked about this just the other day (sadly, I don’t remember the exact date). It sounds like lots of people give cash/gift cards in varying amounts ($10-100), especially if there’s only a few teachers to cover.
JEB says
It was Monday!
Spirograph says
Thanks!
The second says
Starting a new biglaw job after taking time off with baby. Advice? Thoughts on making a good first impression right off the bat. Have practiced previously but that was right out of law school…
POSITA says
I did this. I’m not sure that I did it right, though. I should have reached out to get to know more partners and associates. I didn’t make enough introductions and now I’m stuck in a fairly narrow circle. Reach out while you’re new. It’s awkward to try to do after being at a firm for a couple of years. I was just too overwhelmed with new with a new baby and being new to biglaw to go outside my comfort zone.
Also, if you’re bfeeding, talk to whoever is organizing your first day to make sure that you’ll have access to your office for pumping and so that you have scheduled breaks during orientation to pump. I also asked for them to install a lock on my office prior to my first day, and I got permission to put a mini fridge in my office to store pumped milk. It was nice to have that privacy.
NewMomAnon says
One thing I wish I had done better when joining a new law firm was learn the politics before talking and use my supervisors/mentors to vet my work before turning it in. I ended up on the wrong side of some powerful people because I didn’t know their particular quirks and didn’t make use of the resources I had to navigate their expectations.
TK says
Read Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office if you haven’t. Things I remember: women don’t get extra points for working the hardest, alone, in their office. Make a point to talk to people, take advantage of opportunities to spend time the partners, don’t be embarrassed to take credit for your own work, and seek out work from people you want to work with.
Also agree with NewMomAnon – have a second set of eyes on the first few things you hand off, people all have weird quirks they don’t advertise. Some hate bulleted lists, some hate Times New Roman, some require a written paragraphs summary of anything long / substantive. To the extent to you can, ask about any preferred ‘style tips or examples / templates before you dive into a project.
And I hope this goes without saying, but please be kind to all support staff. Not just because it’s the decent-person thing to do, but also because they can be invaluable sources of how to best get along in a new setting.
Congrats and good luck!
anon says
A friend of mine did this – we actually met because she asked HR to introduce her to other associates with babies, and we talked at length before she started.
DC Mom says
Does sleep training ever get better?! We have been sleep training our one year old this week and while she is getting better about sleep longer periods, there is still between 2-8 minutes of crying when we put her down. Like all out hysterical scream crying. It’s not very long, but I am just wondering if there will come a time when she can just got to sleep happy, like before she’s 30.
Philanthropy Girl says
It gets better! It’s a bit personality dependent – I have an easy going kid who trained really quickly (well, at night time. Nap-time is still a problem). My nephew is a bit more strong-willed, and it took him longer. But I promise it gets easier. I bet you have this down in a couple of weeks. Hang in there, mama!
mascot says
It gets better and the only way to better is to solider on through this part. Turn off the monitor, go outside, whatever. 2-8 minutes really isn’t a long time (you just spent 2 minutes typing your question), but it feel like an eternity when your kid is screaming.
Philanthropy Girl says
I didn’t get to say this yesterday – but I really loved our conversation on PP body. It was the first truly non-judgy conversation I’d had on the topic. Thanks everyone!
Anon in NYC says
Me too!
Maternity clothes sizing says
This is my first time buying maternity clothes and I am ordering a few things online. If I am ordering Loft Maternity, would I order the same size as I would order in regular Loft clothes? TIA!
Syd says
Yes, that has been my experience. Although I will say that my work pants from there that only had an elastic waistband (no panel), became too small around 30 weeks. But I loved them and wore them constantly before that. Loft is the best I’ve found for affordable maternity workwear.
Maternity clothes sizing says
Thank you :)
Chi Squared says
The maternity bottoms can run a bit small. I usually wear a 00P in Loft regular, and I preferred the fit of 0P in maternity for work pants, but 00P for jeans. I also bought a few sweaters that I haven’t grown into yet, but they don’t seem particularly well-designed – just long and baggy – compared to my Gap maternity sweaters which have ruching and thus a little more shape.
Tunnel says
Note that the panel does tend to run tighter than other maternity brands. I, personally, liked that feeling but there are many who do not. If you in the latter camp, size up one.
Baby Naming says
Is it acceptable to give our baby the same middle name that his future cousin already has as a middle name? It’s a family name on both of our side’s and the name of three people who are very dear to us who have passed away (one recently). Worth mentioning: cousin’s mother is a bit…intense and I could see her getting angry. If we do go that route, better to give a heads up or just announce it once the baby is born?
(was) due in june says
I think it’s fine. While it might be one thing if it was just a name you like, she doesn’t get a monopoly on a name that has special meaning in your family. I would also not give her a head’s up because you know she’s going to be pissed and cause drama. The outcome of giving her a head’s up is either a) she’s ok with it, which seems unlikely, or b) she tells you to change it and you don’t and so she gets really angry, or c) she tells you to change it and you do, so now you’re mad and she’s smug. If you really are set on using that name, she can find out when it’s on the birth certificate.
Anon in NYC says
Agreed. Let her find out afterwards.
Baby Naming says
Thanks, all! Feeling better about it!
Anon says
This is a know your family situation, but in my family it would be totally fine. If I ever have a girl, her first name will be her cousin’s middle name – my sister (the cousin’s mom) knows this and is totally fine with it. My own middle name is my cousin’s first name, and we have a lot of similar overlaps in my family (I think 3 of the cousins have the middle name “Marie”). It is really common in Irish families (and particularly mine) to use the same few names. In your situation, I would probably give her a heads up if you plan to actually take her feelings into account. If you plan to do it either way (no judgment if you do), I would just announce it and let her deal.
Baby Naming says
For what it’s worth, the name belonged to the grandfather of the two babies. He died relatively young a few years ago so I think it’s important to my husband that we incorporate the name (as I’m sure it was to his brother when he did). And it belonged to my grandfather who was more like a father to me…and to my uncle who just passed away last month.
Anon says
I’m the anon at 1:12 – I would use the name and tell her afterward (or before if it happens to come up) and not give a single thought to whether she cares or not. She doesn’t get to monopolize a family name. If you were trying to give your kid the same first name as her kid, that would be weird, but there is nothing wrong with repeating middle names….at least not in my family :)
Baby Naming says
Not in my family, either! We all have repeating names (Irish!) but she’s particularly difficult so I wanted to make sure it wasn’t an objectively bad thing to do. She can deal — she may find it flattering in the end. Thanks!
hoola hoopa says
You’re objectively all good! Middle names totally don’t count as ‘claimed’.
Lyssa says
My husband and his cousin (about 10 years younger) have the same first name. They call them “Big X” and “Little X.” Of course, Big X topped out at about 5 foot 8 and slim, while Little X played college football.
Aunt Jamesina says
Hah, this is EXACTLY me and my cousin, down to the “Big X” ending up 5 foot 0! Me and my cousin sharing a name was never an issue (and there are nearly 30 cousins on that side of the family, so it was almost inevitable there would be some name overlap).
scandia says
My parents have 9 grandchildren, 5 grandsons, 3 of them have my fathers first name as middle name. 4 granddaugthers, 2 of them has my mother first name af middle name.
Anonymous says
So, I just found out I’m pregnant (#2). And my sister picked her wedding date two weeks ago, in which I’m the maid of honor. And I’m due 2 days after she’s getting married.
I was really late with #1 and would anticipate that with #2. But….how do I approach this with her? Obviously she’ll be happy for me, but I also know she’ll feel like it adds a huge layer of uneasiness to her day. The wedding is a state away (2 hour drive) but I am OK making the trek (worst case, I give birth in one of the best hospitals in the country, which is 5 miles from her wedding) assuming I am still healthy (again- had a totally normal pregnancy last time).
Mostly looking for things to include or say or not say when telling her. She’s fantastic and will not bridezilla-out on me. But I want to share this news in a way that won’t make her drive off the road when I tell her :/
Anon says
I would tell her you would completely understand if she wanted to make someone else the MOH (assuming you would). With clothing constraints, the bridal party is a difficult thing to make last minute changes to, so I would offer to step down if she would prefer. Tell her you are still happy to do/help with any of the typical MOH or bridesmaid duties and support her in any other way you can, but that way if you have your baby before the wedding, she isn’t scrambling to fill a hole in the ceremony/pictures.
Anonymous says
i’m actually more worried she’ll want to change her date or something crazy like that. My first kiddo is in the wedding too, as is my husband. I don’t think she’ll be scrambling to fill a hole in pictures :)
Plus, as long as I am not literally giving birth while she is getting married, i’ll be there. I may just be wearing a hospital gown ;)
Anon says
Honestly, unless I had booked a bunch of stuff and was going to be out significant money, I would happily change my wedding date to accommodate my sister giving birth. I am guessing it is important for her to have you there (and for your family to be available to support you during/after the birth), so I don’t think that’s crazy at all. If it isn’t an imposition and she doesn’t have some emotional attachment to the date, changing it seems reasonable.
Lyssa says
I agree. It would obviously depend, but as long as the logistics weren’t too overwhelming, I would make the change.
hoola hoopa says
Agreed.
If you trust her to keep it confidential until you share, I’d be tempted to tell her now. Sooner rather than later will be good for her planning and mental prep.
Anonymous says
41 weeks pregnant tomorrow and DH and I have zero plans for the weekend. If I’m not giving birth, would love to do something fun but am struggling to come up with anything! I’m still relatively active but don’t feel up for tons of walking. In DC, if that Helps… Any good ideas?!
hoola hoopa says
Go out to eat!! In an adult restaurant!!
Anon says
This was going to be my suggestion as well. The night before my niece was born (scheduled induction) I took my sister out for a giant meal (lots of appetizers and dessert!) at a upscale Indian restaurant.
Anon in NYC says
See a movie. You won’t really get a chance to see one for a while after the baby arrives. Agree about an adult restaurant.
And these are solo activities, but get a prenatal massage and a pedicure.
Good luck! You don’t have too much longer to go!
(was) due in june says
+1 to a movie and a nice dinner in a small, nice restaurant that definitely doesn’t have space for a stroller and does not have high chairs on the premises. But oh man, a movie. I would love to see a movie.
Anonymous says
Thanks all!
Anon says
Who was in the room with you when you delivered (or who do you plan to have)? My MIL just assumed she would be in there and I am currently dealing with the fallout of my not being a fan of that plan.
Anon in NYC says
Just my husband. My hospital limits the number of people who can be in the delivery room to two people, but I didn’t want anyone else. My BIL’s wife had her entire family plus my in-laws in the room during labor + pushing. That was not my style at all. I also didn’t want anyone waiting at the hospital for me to give birth (which was a good thing for them – my labor was almost 24 hours and I delivered at 3:40am!).
NewMomAnon says
Nope, nope, nope to MIL in delivery room. I had a nurse, my doula and my ex, with the OB popping in now and then; I would have preferred not to have my ex (he was not ex at the time), but he was adamant that he deserved to be there and then slept through the whole labor. My mother was miffed when she found out she was not welcome in the labor room. By that point, I was to the phase in my pregnancy where I just told her that her issues sounded like her issues and I didn’t give a sh*t. Not my proudest moment, but we got through it.
Check with your hospital and OB; some of them have policies about how many people can be in the room, and some of them will “create” policies to help you. Personally, I had a really tough, intense labor once we got to the hospital and spent most of it basically naked in either the shower or a tub. There is a reason it is called labor; it’s hard work.
Having said that – labor can take a long time, and I think in the past women would go to the hospital early in labor and just camp out there for days, with visitors stopping in to distract them. Hospitals now would prefer you stay away until you are pretty far advanced with your labor. You might point that out to soften the blow; you might also give her the opportunity to come visit you at home before you go to the hospital, if that ends up being a thing you do.
hoola hoopa says
+1 to creating ‘policies’ for you. I’ve had and L&D nurse straight up say that she’s more than happy to be the ‘bad guy’ and kick people out of the room or ban them to begin with. It’s not in their best interest to have extra people in the room and/or to have an agitated laboring mother.
Spirograph says
Just my husband. Our family is all out of state, but I would not have wanted MIL or even my mom there, regardless. I called my mom when I was in labor so she could plan to make the drive the next day, but everyone else just got a “congrats, youre a grandparent!” call after the baby was born.
hoola hoopa says
LOL, who ARE these MILs who do this? Who on earth invites themselves to someone’s delivery? I hear this shockingly often. Is this her first grandchild or is there an established acceptability of this? I’m simply curious.
Just my husband + staff. For my first child (first grandchild), my parents were completely bummed out that I refused to call them when we went to the hospital so that they could wait in the waiting room (they never assumed they’d be in the delivery room), but I told them that the hospital’s policy was to have no visitors until we were settled in the mom/baby ward, which can take a couple of hours, so we could call them once baby was born and they wouldn’t miss a minute. That was satisfactory to them. (And mostly kinda true). They waited for ~12 hours in the waiting room for another grandbaby, which was not fun for them and clearly stressful for the expectant parents, and from then on always asked to be called once baby was born!
LC says
Jesus Christ. If my MIL had even so much as suggested this, I would have flipped out. Thankfully, she lives out of state.
I had my husband, my doula, and staff. My mother, who lives locally, expressed no interest in witnessing the delivery — she actually told me she thought it would be stressful on her to see me in pain. We called her once baby was born and she met us in the postpartum room. (She knew I was in labor — I called her when my water broke, and my husband texted her when we went to the hospital.) That plan worked perfectly — she got to see baby pretty much right away, but didn’t interrupt our time with the new baby right after his birth.
SC says
My water broke, but I wasn’t in labor, so I welcomed anyone who wanted to be there into the delivery room before they induced me and then while my contractions were pretty mild. Once I was in labor, my mom, MIL, and DH were in the room, but I had been clear that it would just be me and DH once it was time to push. The nurse kicked everyone but DH out when it was time for the epidural, and it was time to push before we had a chance to invite them back in. (I was only in labor for about 5 hours, though, so things went quickly.) Once the baby was born, we spent about an hour or two with him and dealing with PP stuff (time is fuzzy at this point) before we invited family in to see him.
SC says
I just read all the MIL comments. My MIL was great in the delivery room – very calm, very supportive, very funny. My mom was annoying me for some reason, even though I love her dearly and am close to her and she wasn’t doing anything wrong. I tried to hide it because I still wanted her there, but apparently I didn’t do a great job.
Anonymous says
just my husband and 24534 medical staff (and i had a normal birth! but a training program was doign rounds, there was a nurse intern, i had a PA deliver so the supervising MD had to come in, etc etc plus the 2 nurses). I really thought i should have sold tickets.
FWIW having other family there would only have bothered me if they were talking to me. if they sat over in teh corner waiting to hold the baby, i’d be fine. My mom and I don’t get along in a way that woudl enble her to support me during birth. My dad and my husband and frankly even my MIL would be fine– stoic hand holders and ice water fetchers. I did poop myself and became a sobbing disgusting mess so I’d probably have preferred my MIL not be there.
TK says
Oh God no to a MIL in the delivery room – granted, ours was a C-section (planned) but we didn’t even allow visitors in to see the baby for the first 24 hours so the 3 of us could get to know one another. It was awesome. My husband did call to let everyone know me and baby were fine, and family may have done some grumbling about having to wait, but I never heard about it.
Edna Mazur says
Other than medical staff (OB, his nurse, my nurse, two nursery nurses) just the hubs. If we’re being completely honest I am a little embarrassed he has seen me like that. He isn’t weirded out by it, but I can’t imagine my mother-in-law seeing me go through that, and we have a great relationship.
mascot says
Pre-birth plan was just my husband and medical staff. That changed slightly. I went into labor in the middle of the night and my mom ended up coming to the hospital early that morning. She was just hanging out in the room with us while I was laboring and had offered to leave when it was go time. But, I found her being there was really soothing/stoic and my husband was fine with her so she stayed the whole time. She hung back when she needed to and helped us keep calm (even a normal labor/delivery can be pretty intense). It ended up being a really awesome bonding moment that I didn’t anticipate.
MIL didn’t even consider coming and that was just fine thank you
EB0220 says
My MIL was actually the only one with me when my oldest was born! The situation was completely unique, though. My husband was across the country with no way to get to me quickly. My in-laws were the closest to me at 2.5 hrs away, so they drove up. My MIL arrived a few hours before I started pushing. She was great. I kept it pretty together, everything went smoothly and she even cut the cord. I had an epidural that time so I felt more in control. With #2, it was my husband and doula. That one was fast, unmedicated and involved a meconium explosion – so I’m glad MIL wasn’t there for that one. In your situation, you should have only those you’re comfortable with. I would say “hubby only” if that’s how you feel and leave it at that.
OP says
Ok, thank you! I already called the hospital to see if they had a policy I could blame it on and they don’t, but the lovely woman I spoke to said they would be happy to make one up for me and the nurses would enforce it. Normally I try very hard to be a considerate person and take into account other’s feelings and include everyone. However, I feel like when I am almost naked, spread eagle, in excruciating pain, and pushing a baby out of my lady bits I should get a pass on worrying about other people’s feelings. Sorrynotsorry.
Anon in NYC says
Absolutely.
CHJ says
Good! I also highly recommend having the hospital staff make up policies for anything you need (quiet hours in the afternoon, no guests in the room during post-delivery checkups, etc.) It’s a very good time to be selfish about your needs and not feel bad about it.
(And good grief to MIL getting all wounded that she can’t be in the delivery room. Absolutely not, no questions, not sorry.)
MDMom says
Uh yes. Stick to your guns on this. Set and establish firm boundaries early. You can blame it on the hospital if you want but if my in laws pushed the issue I would have straight up told them no. Have whoever you are 100% comfortable with. I had only my husband and medical staff. We told everyone beforehand that we would call when we got to the hospital but they should not come until baby born. Everyone was an hour away. They all ended up leaving before baby born because they wanted to avoid rush hour but it was fine. My sister got there first and they asked if I wanted her to come back but things were bad at that point and I wanted to see no one (and I adore my sister).
I wouldn’t have minded my mom being there but didn’t need her either and she never asked. Since I definitely didn’t want in laws there, I excluded everyone equally.
EB0220 says
Favorite nursing snacks in the early days? High calorie, non-crumbly?
The second says
Spoon and a tub of cookie dough. That was my favorite for the first few weeks!
EB0220 says
Yumm….why didn’t I think of that?
anon says
all the peanut butter. or google “greek yogurt banana oatmeal muffins.”
NewMomAnon says
Hard-boiled eggs and string cheese. Preferably the hard-boiled eggs you buy pre-peeled at the grocery store and the string cheese that doesn’t come in individual wrappers, because who has time for that? I also ate a lot of sandwiches. Yes, I got crumbs on baby’s head. It was OK.