What to Do When You Don’t Like Your Kid’s Friends’ Parents
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How do you handle it when you don’t like your kid’s friends’ parents? What about when it’s the other way around — when your kid isn’t exactly fond of the children of your mom friends? In the past we’ve talked about finding mom friends and working moms and playdates (as well as friends with MLM businesses, which can be relevant here too!), but we haven’t really focused on what happens when you don’t like the parents of your kid’s friends (or vice versa).
This problem will probably affect you the most when your kids aren’t yet old enough to be dropped off at a playdate or at a friend’s birthday party, because those playdates and parties will mean two or three hours of face-to-face time with another parent.
The reverse is tough, too: Maybe you have a great mom friend who shares a lot of your interests and is really easy to talk to — but once the kids are old enough to move beyond parallel play and begin to interact more and more with each other, there’s no guarantee that they will continue to get along or will want to spend time together.
One CorporetteMoms reader brought up another aspect of this in a comment on our working moms and playdates post: the complications that arise when you have to interact with moms whose parenting philosophies are very different from yours (regarding rules, supervision, discipline, food, etc.). Another reader commented that socializing with the stay-at-home moms of your kid’s friends can sometimes lead to mom guilt when those mothers talk about, say, spending hours making homemade organic baby food. You may feel that you just don’t have a lot in common, too.
Note: Whenever anyone brings up the topic of making friends as an adult, I think back to this 2012 NYT story, which is definitely worth a read: “Friends of a Certain Age: Why Is It Hard to Make Friends Over 30?” As the article points out, becoming parents can make the adult-friendship thing even more complicated, because, for one: “Even when parent friends develop a bond, the resulting friendships can be fleeting — and subject to the whims of the children themselves.”
What do you do when you don’t like your kid’s friends’ parents? What about when you have close mom friends whose kids your child doesn’t want to play with? Was your kid once very close with another child whose mom you really liked and then the two grew apart, to your dismay? Did your relationship with the mom suffer or were you able to continue it?
Photo credit: Deposit Photos/monkeybusiness.
Even when it seems easy, it’s still tricky. We’ve got a handful of families in our neighborhood with kids the same age and same gender as our kid. They go to school together, do group activities together, the families all hang out at the pool in the summer, etc. In some ways it has made us lazy and insular because we don’t often reach outstide that group. Recently, we had situation where one kid invited all the others over for a low key birthday celebration and our kid wasn’t invited and was really hurt. It’s made things a little awkard. On one hand, I get that your kid should have voice in who they include, but on the other, why is my kid the only one getting the snub? Did something happen that I need to know about? So now my kid is worried that the others are hanging out with them, having play dates, etc. I think the answer is branch out a little more on who we play with, but scheduling that can be a pain!
I guess I’ve mostly escaped this during the preschool years by just … not doing playdates with families we don’t know well? My kids haven’t seemed to care much until they’re a little older. On the rare occasion I’ve done that, I’ve suggested meeting up at the park or doing something open-ended that has an easy escape route, so to speak, rather than camping out at someone’s house. That’s reserved for my nearest and dearest friends and their kids. I also don’t think playdates that last HOURS are necessary at that age. An hour is fine; anything more is usually as hard on the kids as the adults.
I’ve had more trouble adjusting to the expectations of school-age playdates. A parent doesn’t have to accompany them, but you still have to deal with scheduling everything through them. If schedules or vibes don’t jibe, it can be awkward. I had one situation recently where I felt like I got used to provide free child care. The dad dropped off Kid at 12:30 p.m. and called around 3:30, wanting to know if his kid could stay at our house until 5 because he had stuff he wanted to do. Umm, no. Come back soon, please. I guess I learned that I have to be really clear about expectations with the other set of parents.
I think there’s some value in my kids learning that other families operate differently than ours, whether it’s regarding food, screen time, or other stuff. Obviously I would want to speak up if I were concerned about safety or a specific activity, but it’s good for me to let go a bit too.
Not all of my friends’ kids are buddies with my kids anymore, and it’s really fine. Our friendship existed before our kids were alive, and we can keep up that friendship whether or not our kids are friends. I think it’s harder when your friendship was built around the kids in the first place; those friends sometimes shift into more acquaintances if we didn’t have a lot else in common.
I’m really not on that side of things yet.
But my mom never really liked my best friend / her mother when I was growing up. And I wish she’d gotten the (*#$% over it and been a little more gracious. My mother was annoyed with me the day after my friend’s wedding and was cold to her. I’m still ticked about that.
I just hope I can respect the idea that my kid is going to have lots of relationships with people over her life. She’s going to have to learn how to navigate friends, classmates, coworkers, bosses, neighbors etc. And I’m not necessarily going to see what she gets out of (or endures) from all of these relationships. But that doesn’t mean that they aren’t people and don’t deserve respect.