Have You Sought Out New Mom Friends?
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2018 Update: We still stand by this older conversation about finding mom friends once you become a mom — but you may also want to check out some of our newer discussions, such as about playdate etiquette for introverts or how to deal when you don’t like your kid’s friends’ parents.
How are you doing on your mom friendships? One of my best friends, who was now a SAHM, asked me that question when both of our kids were about 6 months old. She had actively been trying to make friends with neighborhood moms at the playgrounds and local gym classes, both to schedule playdates and build a support system. Some of the friendships, she found, were kind of forced; others were going well.
My response: huh? I had friends. Some of them were moms. Why did I need local mom friends — new friends where the only thing we had in common was locality and the fact that we got pregnant around the same time? If a friendship happened naturally, great, but I wasn’t going to seek it out (and I certainly wasn’t going to try to force it). In addition to being a lifelong introvert, my reasoning at the time was that she was a SAHM and needed a support system and a schedule — as a WAHM mom I already had a schedule, and I preferred to spend my limited kid-time either focused on the kid or as a family. Besides, I figured, mom friends would come about naturally once my child started making friends.
I’ve thought a lot about that conversation, though, and am curious what other working moms have done. Did you prioritize finding new “mom friends,” even if just for maternity leave? (Have you kept in touch after you went back to work?) Have you naturally made new mom friends? For those readers with older kids, have your mom friendships changed through the years?
Pictured: Onehundred and fiftythree, originally uploaded to Flickr by Roxanne Milward.
I left my job a little over a year ago, when my daughter had just started walking. As a SAHM, I think of mom friends as very analogous to work friends – interacting with people you like doing similar work as you can make that work more enjoyable and easier as you share advice, share the load, and/or commiserate. And if the water cooler chat goes well, bonus! There’s probably a lower barrier to transitioning from “work buddies” to real friends with other SAH parents due to the lack of office politics & privacy issues, but at the friendly acquaintance stage I think these relationships are largely similar.
Not a mom yet, but I’m actually looking forward to having kids as an excuse to find local (mom) friends. Making friends in a new town when you’re twenty-something/thirty-someting is hard!
My mom has been good friends with some of my friends’ moms. When I was a kid, it meant that we enjoyed playing on the playground forever, because we knew that by asking for just 5 more minutes, they’d get back to talking and we’d get another half an hour. What could be better than being good friends with the mom of one of your kids good friends?
Even now, my mom routinely has dinner with the moms of two of my friends from high school. She actually went to one of their weddings that I was unable to attend!
I have a one year old. Maybe I am in the minority, but now that I’m a mom and so many of my friends are moms (most women in my social group had kids the year before I did, some just had their second this year), I am kind of desperate for non-mom friends. Sometimes I just need a break from all the kid talk, you know? While I love my daughter, I’m more than just a mom, but I feel like our kids are all any of my friends and I talk about these days. When I am able to find time in my schedule to be social with other adults (outside of work, which is not that social), I just want a break from all things parenting for a bit.
I don’t know that focusing on making new mom friends is that much different than just making friends. Being a parent is a huge part of my life and when I am not at work, I like to spend time with my child. But I also like to spend time with other adults, talking about all sorts of things. Perhaps it’s an imperfect analogy, but I don’t see this a much different than joining a hobby group or sports group. I get to spend time with other people and do my hobby all at the same time. Except with other parents, my child gets something out of it too, assuming there are some similarly aged/compatible kids.
Absolutely. I’m an introvert and could have gone through my entire maternity leave without *having* to talk to other moms. But I went to a local new moms support group and made some friends – all of whom were going back to work – and had an amazing time during maternity leave. Fortunately I had my daughter over the summer, so we would go on walks and picnics with our babies. Some of these women I have stayed friends with.
It is invaluable to have someone to call when you are going to the playground, which is otherwise pretty boring. I have other mom friends that I met through a meetup group who I go running with on a regular basis, sometimes with our kids, sometimes without. Yes we met because we had kids in common, but we have since gotten past that and have plenty of other stuff to talk about. My mom friends haven’t supplanted my “real” friends – they are all legitimate friends, and who doesn’t want more friends, particularly ones who get what you are going through.
FWIW, my comments seem to keep getting pushed into moderation because of my use of a word to describe the solid waste matter that comes out of babies. I am of the opinion that you cannot have a functional moms website that screens for such words.
I joined a moms’ discussion/support group through my delivery hospital while I was on maternity leave. It met once a week, and we have kept up with regularish get-togethers even though all our kids are aged out of the original group. It was fantastic on maternity leave, because it got me out of the house and gave me people to commiserate with. Now it’s just a pleasant reunion every month or two and the pack of babies plays together while the moms chat. There are a few moms I click with, and we e-mail back and forth occasionally, but we don’t really hang out outside of the larger group.
I have recently decided I need to make more local mom friends — or more accurately, more immediately local friends, period. My neighborhood has an active community association and a lot of young children, so that’s been my starting point. I’m making an effort to go to the family events even though my son is really to young to know what’s going on, and I hang out at the playgrounds and make small talk with the parent of whatever kid is throwing mulch on my kid’s head. I haven’t made any new BFFs, but names and faces are a good start.
I also registered for a prenatal yoga class. I like yoga, but meeting the other women who will be on maternity leave the same time I am is definitely an ulterior motive…
I have friends who I love. I barely have any time to see them. Why on earth would I go out of my way to make new “mom” friends when it’s hard enough to maintain my current friendships, which I value very much?
I’m due in late October with my first and will return to work after maternity leave. I’m the first of my friend group to have kids so I am worried about being lonely. I’m also planning on going the nanny route rather than use daycare (don’t like any that are near me) so I have no clue how I’ll start new friendships. It won’t help that I’ll be on maternity leave during the dead of winter in Chicago so I’m unlikely to be outside of the house at parks and such! I’ve done a few random CL/FB group postings but agree that trying to ‘force’ a relationship where the only thing you have in common is kids doesn’t make for a great friendship. If anyone has ideas I’d be open to hearing them!
I made mom-acquaintances through our local bf support group/mom’s group, which also had a private facebook group. I wouldn’t exactly call them friends, since I never met up with any of them outside of the support group meetings, but I did occasionally chat with them on facebook in the middle of the night, especially the ones that were also going through middle-of-the-night feedings at the same time as me. They were also a good group to bounce questions about bf, pediatricians, daycares, local playgrounds etc.
I’ve also made some parent/friends from my younger son’s daycare classmates – again, not so much actual friends as “these are people I don’t mind chatting with while our kids run around together”. I occasionally comment with them on Facebook, or we arrange playdates, playground meetups or email back and forth about “did you get the school supply list yet?”, but they really aren’t people I make plans to spend time with when there aren’t kids involved.
I did not seek out mom friends during maternity leave (because it seemed kind of pointless to me), but I have found that over time I have become friends with the moms at my level at work (associate, biglaw). I do have some mom friends from my kids’ friends at daycare, but I’m not sure how long those will keep going as my oldest graduates to kindergarten…
I did not seek out mom friends, although I kinda wish I had while on maternity leave for advice, company, and commiseration. I was often lonely during maternity leave, but simply too exhausted to do anything about it.
Now, I am friendly with some neighbors who have babies/small children. Almost all of them are SAHM and to be honest — although they are perfectly nice, sweet people — hanging out with them can be stressful because I hear about all the fun activities they’re doing and how they all make their own baby food and how their baby is such a great sleeper, etc. (and the “working mom guilt” starts to creep in). With these moms, it’s all baby talk, all the time, because that’s what we have in common. Fine in small doses, but I prioritize my existing friendships and spending time with family. Thankfully, my childless friends have not dropped me like a bad habit, which I was afraid of while pregnant!
My daughter is still a baby, so she hasn’t made friends at daycare yet. I do actually look forward to making “mom friends” as she gets older and makes friends at daycare or school.
I made a bunch of “mom friends” when I was on maternity leave and it was life-saving. I can’t imagine going through maternity leave without those women. Some I liked more than others and now that I’m back at work I try to keep in touch with a few.
I haven’t sought out mom friends, but I could see making more mom friends as my kid(s) get older, and are in school/sports/etc. When I had my (now 20 month old) daughter, my friends were mostly married and childless, though I did have one friend with grown daughters who gave me immeasurable advice and encouragement. The greatest part about having childless friends is that, although you can no longer go out with them like you used to, they might be thinking about kids in the future (it turns out that two of those friends are now pregnant), and they are happy to practice by babysitting yours every now and then. :)
I never sought out “mom friends” although a few did come naturally through playdates with daycare friends. Now that my daughter is starting Kindergarten in the school system we don’t plan on leaving anytime soon, I would like to develop “mom friends”. I am more of an introvert, but since there are some planned kid/ parent activities before the start of school I will be actively seeking out friendships (and hopefully I won’t come off as too awkward or desperate).