Do you feel like your partners are stepping up to the increased need for childcare and household tasks, or have you found yourself firmly in the default parent category? The Atlantic had an interesting discussion about how couples are dividing extra unpaid labor and generally fearing that the pandemic will be horrible for feminism. Here’s a taste of the article:
Look around and you can see couples already making tough decisions on how to divide up this extra unpaid labor. When I called [Claire] Wenham, she was self-isolating with two small children; she and her husband were alternating between two-hour shifts of child care and paid work. That is one solution; for others, the division will run along older lines. Dual-income couples might suddenly find themselves living like their grandparents, one homemaker and one breadwinner.
“My spouse is a physician in the emergency dept, and is actively treating coronavirus patients. We just made the difficult decision for him to isolate & move into our garage apartment for the foreseeable future as he continues to treat patients,” wrote the Emory University epidemiologist Rachel Patzer, who has a three-week-old baby and two young children. “As I attempt to home school my kids (alone) with a new baby who screams if she isn’t held, I am worried about the health of my spouse and my family.”
Similarly, the recent New York Times headline, “I Feel Like I Have 5 Jobs,” kind of nails it.
{related: how to share emotional labor as parents}
I’ve heard from numerous friends (and seen numerous comments here) that suggest that men in general are NOT stepping up (or in fact even getting in the way — one friend shared a funny story about how her husband will walk around main areas of the house with AirPods in, not saying anything, then suddenly bursting out talking or shushing the kids because, surprise, he’s on a conference call!
{related: how to share parenting duties with your spouse}
She literally made him a sign to wear around his neck so they know when he’s on a call and cannot be disturbed.) There’s that funny meme about how “every woman working from home has a cup of tea on the couch with her laptop, and every man has taken over a room with double monitors and the loudest keyboard Best Buy sells.”
{related: here’s what happened when I tried to use virtual assistants to delegate family tasks}
So let’s talk, ladies — how’s it going with your partners? Do you feel like the bulk of the increased childcare/household tasks are on your shoulders? Have you tried anything with your partner that’s working well, or had a conversation that helped him or her really “get it”? On the flip side, has anyone talked to their boss to request reduced hours during this time?
{related: what to know about weaponized incompetence}
Anon says
I think we’re fortunately splitting things equally, but there is so much MORE to split it feels like we’re both doing everything. Obviously we have way more childcare than before, but we also have so many more chores. I think that’s been the hardest part of this for me – it’s not just “watching the kids” and trying to work, it’s also WAY more cleaning, cooking, dishes and grocery shopping than before. I love my kid and I like my job, but I haaaate housework!
Nap time? says
For those with toddlers who nap, what is your routine for getting them to sleep? This has been a major struggle with my 18 month old since daycare has been closed.
Anonymous says
We just put her in her crib and leave. She doesn’t have to nap but she has to stay in there for an hour, and usually she naps for 1-1.5 hours (she’s 26 months). Is the issue crying? Or just not sleeping?
Nap time says
Just not sleeping! Sometimes he cries but mostly he walks back and forth, dances around, talks to himself, and lays down like he is going to go to sleep before standing back up. I keep thinking he will fall asleep from exhaustion but he always seems to get a second wind.
EM says
Might be worth changing whatever time you’re starting the process. Ours has gone through that several times, and usually shifting the start time eventually fixes it (we’ve had to go earlier and later).
GCA says
My 19mo is also flat out refusing to nap at home. As a complicating factor, her big brother is almost 5 and does not nap, and so she has major toddler FOMO. We’ve resorted to running with her in the jogging stroller so she’ll nap, which she mercifully still enjoys; when she sees one parent getting their running shoes on, she goes and gets her coat and shoes! That is a lot of running though…
Anonymous says
Our 3yo only naps in strollers/cars anymore as she’s mostly dropped her nap. I’ve been doing a 45 min walk pushing the double stroller (18lb baby) every single day. I live in a hilly neighborhood. At least my behind will look great after all this!
KatieWolf says
I’m struggling with naps too. I have a 15 month old and we do a montessori style floor bed. It has been great for night time sleeping and we are super happy with it, but for naps (esp now that shes home from daycare) I feel like I have to really wear her out to get her to take a 1.5 – 2 hour nap at the prescribed time (we are trying to loosely follow her daycare schedule). It’s super stressing me out bc I feel like I’m not getting it right, shes not tired enough, shes overtired, and I feel like its highlight my insecurity that I don’t know my child. I know the ongoing stress of this situation and trying to work full time and child care is exacerbating my insecurities, but it doesnt change the fact that I am feeling it. Sort of wishing I did a crib bc at least she would be contained (rather than crawling out of bed and playing w toys) but it sounds like you are having the same issues with a crib. No advice, just commiseration. You are not alone.
AwayEmily says
Not sure if this is doable given your schedule/location but we have much better naps if we get the toddler outside in the morning for at least an hour. This is not always easy (in the past two weeks it has snowed for two days and sleeted for three) but it is so, so worth it for a nap.
anon says
Any tips for leading a zoom play date? I am hosting a play date for kid’s kindergarten class, about 20 kids. It is our first one so I am not sure what to expect, I am also new to zoom. Should I have an activity? Dance party? Read a book? Or just let the kids say hello? I am more nervous about this than anything at work!!
AwayEmily says
my kid’s preschool has been doing zoom playdates for about 20 kids…we tried it twice and it was super overwhelming because everyone was loud and talking and my kid opted out within a minute both times — the chaos stressed her out. I would email ahead of time and ask everyone to mute themselves, then let kids take turns doing show and tell (maybe send the order out ahead of time).
Anonymous says
I agree. 20 kids is a lot. Our kiddo’s class has been doing groups for 4-5 kids. Imagine if you had 20 kids in a room all at once and nobody telling them to STFU and raise a hand to talk :).
Ashley says
I am currently on maternity leave with my 8 week old daughter. My 3 year old son is now unexpectedly home (usually in preschool 10 hours a day), and my husband is WFH. I’m in big law and my husband recently moved in house, so his job is more relaxed in general. While I have understood that I will be the full-time parent while on leave, my husband helps a ton while working. He frequently attends to my son while I am feeding the baby, and he also does the late evening feeding so I can get 6-7 hours of sleep at night. I have been doing most of the cleaning and cooking, but we also order takeout and delivery a lot. In general, I feel extremely lucky to have a husband who is a true co-parent. (He’s also the primary parent the majority of the time when I’m working anyway.)
CPA Lady says
Firstly, there is no way I am going to voluntarily draw attention to any potential lack of productivity by asking for reduced hours. I am expecting to bill the same amount of hours this year as I do other years because I have the same amount of work. Granted, it will probably be spaced out differently, but it’ll all get done.
Secondly, no, I don’t feel like the bulk is falling on me, but I’m also doing absolutely none of the optional emotional labor that I see a lot of people talking about on social media. I am completely half @ssing everything right now, including parenting. I have streamed zero things for my child intellectual stimulation this whole almost two weeks. Instead she has watched Frozen 2 probably 20 times and played a million games on her kindle. And she has a 2 hour long quiet time where she has to play in her room with no screen time after lunch. And I let her play in the fenced in yard unsupervised (but she’s a huge rule follower and not at all a risk taker). If the weather is nice, I take a break in the morning to go for a walk with her. Husband is working 6:30-3:00. I am working 8:30-3:00 and then a couple hours in the evening after she goes to bed. My job is a lot more flexible than my husband’s, he makes a ton more money than I do, and he has a lot more job security. It’s a weird time. I’m doing pretty well, mentally and emotionally. I think we’re in a really sweet spot with kiddo not being in real school yet (not that I would be particularly compliant if she were in kindergarten or something like that and they were expecting me to do a ton of actual academic work with her), but she’s old enough to not need me to be on her 24/7. Husband is struggling a bit more. He’s an extreme introvert, works from home normally, and it’s been a big adjustment to have two talkative people all up in his personal space all day long.
Also I’m kind of baffled by what extra housework there is to do. Maybe I just have disgustingly low standards (which is possible- see also: half @ssing everything), but we pick up after ourselves every day or two and I don’t feel like I’m doing any extra house work. We’re having cereal for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch though, so it’s not like we’re cooking three meals a day. We have the same amount of laundry. What else is there? I’m only wiping down the kitchen counters once a day, which is what I did before. Same with making beds.
Anon says
My toddler normally gets four meals/day at school (everything except dinner). We’re not doing extensive “cooking” for her or for our own breakfasts and lunches, but there is a lot of extra prep work and dishes from eating all those meals at home. We run our dishwasher 2-3 times/day now, and normally we only run it once/day. Also we normally eat dinner out twice a week and are not doing that, so there’s 40% more dinner cooking. There is more laundry, because our toddler gets messy and needs multiple outfits each day (I think daycare has better bibs or is better about using them because she almost never comes home from school in new clothes). Grocery shopping takes a lot longer since we’re buying so much stuff and my husband no longer takes our child with him for health reasons, so instead of that time being free time for me, it’s now time that I’m parenting alone. On weekdays our child doesn’t really have time to play with toys at home or sticks to playing in one room only, but now she plays in every room for hours every day and makes huge messes (yes, I make her help me clean them up but she’s not even 2 and can’t do it independently).
I don’t know. It’s all small stuff but it really adds up.
avocado says
We are normally out of the house up to 12 hours a day during the week, so a lot more clutter and dirt builds up that needs to be dealt with on a daily basis. The bathrooms are getting twice as much use, work stuff and workout gear needs to be set up and put away, more dirt gets tracked on the floors, etc. It’s also harder to overlook even a little disorder because we are here staring at it 24/7 and can’t escape.
Pogo says
+1 this. We have never, ever been in our own house this much. We are also normally travelling 25-75% of the time (DH especially). I can tell you, when he’s gone, and it’s just me and the kiddo in the house for a couple hours a day (not counting sleeping obviously) it’s minimal cleanup.
This is the opposite of that in every way, plus no housecleaner.
KatieWolf says
Mine is younger so there’s a lot of extra housework bc (1) every item of clothing is covered in snot/food/etc by end of day (her and me), (2) she cant eat sandwiches/must have very specific toddler food, which leads to extra cooking/plates/etc, and since we are all home, we’re going back and forth into the yard more, so more dirt/pollen, etc. With DH and toddler being home, we are running the dishwasher every day, every room is a disaster of toys/crumbs, and laundry piles up faster. So maybe extra housework depends on childs age? And number of children?
Anon for this says
My husband stays home, so there’s not a big change for us, other than he’s trying to do some school work with them (so really, none for me -I’m still in the office). We had been always thought that he would probably go back to work once the kids were both in school (littler one starts next year), but we had really been rethinking that just with the usual run of weather/holidays/seasonal flu closings. This seems to really be a point for him to keep at home until the kids are old enough to manage on their own.
Anonymous says
Haven’t we essentially had this exact same afternoon thread all week, plus it is what 90% of the morning comments are about? I usually love this site as a nice break and pick me up, but right now it is just so negative that I might need to take a few weeks off.
MyrnaM says
Thanks for sharing. I didn’t see any negativity until your post, incidentally.
shortperson says
i was feeling this early last week. then last thursday i started having covid symptoms and my husband completely took over, bringing me all my meals and doing everything for the kids except that they spent a lot of time with me wathcing tv. (they have covid symptoms too so i’m not quarantining from them.) now i’m still sick but doing better and he’s sick. so our standards have gone way down and we are in survival mode. kids have literally been eating nuts and dry cereal on the floor of my bedroom for breakfast and watching hours and hours of tv a day. 5 year old is in charge of getting water etc for 2 year old. i think that once we are through this we will be more balanced in our efforts.
ceecee says
Oh no! That’s rough! Feel better soon!
Anon says
one of my best friends is a doctor and so her husband is watching her 4 and 2 year old solo, while ‘working’ from home. some men are stepping up.
Denise Palucki says
Lots of yelling at my husband and then later more constructive emails has turned my husband into a 20-30% helper since the lockdown started. He is the primary earner in the family so I do want him to be able to work in the garage sitting in a car, that’s his current office now. The rest of the house it left to me and my child who is special needs. It’s very challenging day-to-day and I hope the lockdown ends soon for all our sanity and humankind. There are too many people suffering and dying needlessly for this. I am personally suffering since I have zero time for myself and my business. But I stepped up and am making sacrifices by taking care of my husband and child.