Who’s Watching the Kids: Coronavirus, Childcare, and Working Moms
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Do you feel like your partners are stepping up to the increased need for childcare and household tasks, or have you found yourself firmly in the default parent category? The Atlantic had an interesting discussion about how couples are dividing extra unpaid labor and generally fearing that the pandemic will be horrible for feminism. Here’s a taste of the article:
Look around and you can see couples already making tough decisions on how to divide up this extra unpaid labor. When I called [Claire] Wenham, she was self-isolating with two small children; she and her husband were alternating between two-hour shifts of child care and paid work. That is one solution; for others, the division will run along older lines. Dual-income couples might suddenly find themselves living like their grandparents, one homemaker and one breadwinner.
“My spouse is a physician in the emergency dept, and is actively treating coronavirus patients. We just made the difficult decision for him to isolate & move into our garage apartment for the foreseeable future as he continues to treat patients,” wrote the Emory University epidemiologist Rachel Patzer, who has a three-week-old baby and two young children. “As I attempt to home school my kids (alone) with a new baby who screams if she isn’t held, I am worried about the health of my spouse and my family.”
Similarly, the recent New York Times headline, “I Feel Like I Have 5 Jobs,” kind of nails it.
{related: how to share emotional labor as parents}
I’ve heard from numerous friends (and seen numerous comments here) that suggest that men in general are NOT stepping up (or in fact even getting in the way — one friend shared a funny story about how her husband will walk around main areas of the house with AirPods in, not saying anything, then suddenly bursting out talking or shushing the kids because, surprise, he’s on a conference call!
{related: how to share parenting duties with your spouse}
She literally made him a sign to wear around his neck so they know when he’s on a call and cannot be disturbed.) There’s that funny meme about how “every woman working from home has a cup of tea on the couch with her laptop, and every man has taken over a room with double monitors and the loudest keyboard Best Buy sells.”
{related: here’s what happened when I tried to use virtual assistants to delegate family tasks}
So let’s talk, ladies — how’s it going with your partners? Do you feel like the bulk of the increased childcare/household tasks are on your shoulders? Have you tried anything with your partner that’s working well, or had a conversation that helped him or her really “get it”? On the flip side, has anyone talked to their boss to request reduced hours during this time?
{related: what to know about weaponized incompetence}
Lots of yelling at my husband and then later more constructive emails has turned my husband into a 20-30% helper since the lockdown started. He is the primary earner in the family so I do want him to be able to work in the garage sitting in a car, that’s his current office now. The rest of the house it left to me and my child who is special needs. It’s very challenging day-to-day and I hope the lockdown ends soon for all our sanity and humankind. There are too many people suffering and dying needlessly for this. I am personally suffering since I have zero time for myself and my business. But I stepped up and am making sacrifices by taking care of my husband and child.
one of my best friends is a doctor and so her husband is watching her 4 and 2 year old solo, while ‘working’ from home. some men are stepping up.
i was feeling this early last week. then last thursday i started having covid symptoms and my husband completely took over, bringing me all my meals and doing everything for the kids except that they spent a lot of time with me wathcing tv. (they have covid symptoms too so i’m not quarantining from them.) now i’m still sick but doing better and he’s sick. so our standards have gone way down and we are in survival mode. kids have literally been eating nuts and dry cereal on the floor of my bedroom for breakfast and watching hours and hours of tv a day. 5 year old is in charge of getting water etc for 2 year old. i think that once we are through this we will be more balanced in our efforts.
Haven’t we essentially had this exact same afternoon thread all week, plus it is what 90% of the morning comments are about? I usually love this site as a nice break and pick me up, but right now it is just so negative that I might need to take a few weeks off.
My husband stays home, so there’s not a big change for us, other than he’s trying to do some school work with them (so really, none for me -I’m still in the office). We had been always thought that he would probably go back to work once the kids were both in school (littler one starts next year), but we had really been rethinking that just with the usual run of weather/holidays/seasonal flu closings. This seems to really be a point for him to keep at home until the kids are old enough to manage on their own.
Firstly, there is no way I am going to voluntarily draw attention to any potential lack of productivity by asking for reduced hours. I am expecting to bill the same amount of hours this year as I do other years because I have the same amount of work. Granted, it will probably be spaced out differently, but it’ll all get done.
Secondly, no, I don’t feel like the bulk is falling on me, but I’m also doing absolutely none of the optional emotional labor that I see a lot of people talking about on social media. I am completely half @ssing everything right now, including parenting. I have streamed zero things for my child intellectual stimulation this whole almost two weeks. Instead she has watched Frozen 2 probably 20 times and played a million games on her kindle. And she has a 2 hour long quiet time where she has to play in her room with no screen time after lunch. And I let her play in the fenced in yard unsupervised (but she’s a huge rule follower and not at all a risk taker). If the weather is nice, I take a break in the morning to go for a walk with her. Husband is working 6:30-3:00. I am working 8:30-3:00 and then a couple hours in the evening after she goes to bed. My job is a lot more flexible than my husband’s, he makes a ton more money than I do, and he has a lot more job security. It’s a weird time. I’m doing pretty well, mentally and emotionally. I think we’re in a really sweet spot with kiddo not being in real school yet (not that I would be particularly compliant if she were in kindergarten or something like that and they were expecting me to do a ton of actual academic work with her), but she’s old enough to not need me to be on her 24/7. Husband is struggling a bit more. He’s an extreme introvert, works from home normally, and it’s been a big adjustment to have two talkative people all up in his personal space all day long.
Also I’m kind of baffled by what extra housework there is to do. Maybe I just have disgustingly low standards (which is possible- see also: half @ssing everything), but we pick up after ourselves every day or two and I don’t feel like I’m doing any extra house work. We’re having cereal for breakfast and sandwiches for lunch though, so it’s not like we’re cooking three meals a day. We have the same amount of laundry. What else is there? I’m only wiping down the kitchen counters once a day, which is what I did before. Same with making beds.
I am currently on maternity leave with my 8 week old daughter. My 3 year old son is now unexpectedly home (usually in preschool 10 hours a day), and my husband is WFH. I’m in big law and my husband recently moved in house, so his job is more relaxed in general. While I have understood that I will be the full-time parent while on leave, my husband helps a ton while working. He frequently attends to my son while I am feeding the baby, and he also does the late evening feeding so I can get 6-7 hours of sleep at night. I have been doing most of the cleaning and cooking, but we also order takeout and delivery a lot. In general, I feel extremely lucky to have a husband who is a true co-parent. (He’s also the primary parent the majority of the time when I’m working anyway.)
Any tips for leading a zoom play date? I am hosting a play date for kid’s kindergarten class, about 20 kids. It is our first one so I am not sure what to expect, I am also new to zoom. Should I have an activity? Dance party? Read a book? Or just let the kids say hello? I am more nervous about this than anything at work!!
For those with toddlers who nap, what is your routine for getting them to sleep? This has been a major struggle with my 18 month old since daycare has been closed.
I think we’re fortunately splitting things equally, but there is so much MORE to split it feels like we’re both doing everything. Obviously we have way more childcare than before, but we also have so many more chores. I think that’s been the hardest part of this for me – it’s not just “watching the kids” and trying to work, it’s also WAY more cleaning, cooking, dishes and grocery shopping than before. I love my kid and I like my job, but I haaaate housework!