Sharing the Mental Load: Parenting Duties

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Readers, do you feel like you and your partner split PARENTING duties (and the mental load associated with them) evenly? Are you satisfied with how you split them, whether evenly or not? What are your best tips on how to share the mental load with parenting stuff?

Here’s a quick list of the dimensions we’ll consider — if you want to, copy and paste the list into a comment to share how it works in your own household!

{related: how to share the mental load with household duties}

(UPDATE: Maybe we should score these things — 1 if you do it, 3 if it’s 50/50, and 5 if they do it — 2 and 4 if it’s somewhere in the middle but leaning to one side. I’ll adjust my answers to score it. There are 13 domains, so 39 is the “equal” marker — less than that means you’re doing a lot of the work, more than that means your partner is doing a lot of the work.)

• playtime –
• reading –
• child entertainment –
• bathtime/toothbrushing –
• school –
• camps / other care –
• chores/allowance –
• sports and exercise –
• playdates/socializing –
• sick kids –
• diaper changes –
• the enforcer –
• kid money –

The Mental Load of Parenting

Here’s some more specific questions to consider with each domain…

playtime – would you say both you and your partner play with the kids the same amount? in same or different ways — for example is there one parent who does more educational activities like arts and crafts, and another parent more in prone to do physical play like Nerf battles? Who plays board, card, or video games with your kids?

reading – do you both regularly read to your child? who picks out the age- and level-appropriate books as your child matures?

child entertainment – who researches, suggests, or approves app/game purchases, or allows movies or shows? If you allow your child social media, who monitors that usage? (If you limit or don’t allow social media, is one of you the enforcer of that ban or limitation?)

bathtime/brushing – who bathes the kids? to the extent that bathtime is playtime, who buys/maintains the bath toys and supplies? (e.g., occasionally giving those squirty toys a bleach bath to get all the black gunk out of them?) who monitors dental issues like brushing/flossing?

school– who helps the kids with schoolwork or school concepts? If your child needs someone to monitor missing assignments or the quiz/test schedule, who does that? Who deals with transportation for the kid (such as dropping off/picking up, waiting at the bus stop, etc)? Who thinks about afterschool care for the kids, whether it’s staying home or arranging care?

other care / camps – who arranges childcare or activity during school breaks? If you send the kids to camp(s), who researches and manages the schedule, as well as doing transportation?

{related: download the Excel sheet Kat uses to schedule summer activities for her kids (I need to update this for 2022!)}

chores / allowance – if you expect your child to do chores, who comes up with age-appropriate chores for the child? who enforces the requirement or inspects the work product?

sports and exercise – who researches various sports available to sign up for, purchases equipment/clothes, calendars the sessions/practices/games, and takes the kids to them? If you require your child to get some form of other exercise (some readers have noted their kids MUST play outside an hour a day), who arranges that and enforces the requirement for the kids?

playdates/socializing – who encourages child friendships through, e.g., playdates or purposely signing up for the same class/camp a friend is in? Who keeps in touch with the parents? Who attends the playdates or parties?

sick kids – who picks up sick kids from school, daycare, or camp? who stocks the medicine cabinet? if a child is sick in the middle of the night, does one parent generally have that duty?

diaper changes – for those of you with younger kiddos, who regularly changes the diapers? keeps the diaper area stocked, and manages any rashes or medical concerns? who’s on middle-of-the-night diaper duty?

the enforcer – who is the parent who enforces whatever parenting “rules” you have (e.g., screentime limits, bedtimes, etc)? If a child is misbehaving is one parent always good cop and the other bad cop?

kid money – to the extent that your kids have money, who researches and manages that (e.g., 529 accounts)

{related: how to get help when you’re “the default parent”}

How My Husband and I Share the Mental Load with Parenting

playtime – My husband tends to be the one who does more physical stuff with the kids, whereas I tend to be the one who tries to do more educational things with the kids… Our Score: 4.

reading – We’ve done this one pretty equally over the years… my youngest went through a phase around ages 2-3 where he HATED being read to, and I was the one who kept trying to reintroduce the habit. Our Score: 3.

child entertainment – I do almost all of the research on apps/games/movies/shows — I often check the website Common Sense Media to see if there are any issues. I have the kids’ iPads locked down so they can’t even buy free games without approval from me. But my husband and I tend to have regular conversations about which movies our 10-year-old might enjoy now that he’s getting into older kid stuff. Our Score: 2.

bathtime/toothbrushing – My husband and I have very different ideas of what constitutes good habits here, with him being much more lax about things like shampoo and flossing, so I tend to be the one who’s more aware of the kids’ habits here. But I’d say we’ve equally sat with the kids during bathtime or monitored toothbrushing once I’ve nagged enough to get the bath/toothbrushing started. Our Score: 2.

school – My husband and I both have sat with the kids with homework over the years. My 10-year-old has had some issues with not turning in work so I tend to be the one to monitor that, and I’m the one to nag him about repeating assignments. My husband has always done a lot of school pickup/dropoff. I’ve always been the parent to arrange aftercare for the kids, whether it’s been a nanny, a family member, or myself. Our Score: 2.

camps / other care – We don’t really do spring break/winter break camps because we often have family visiting around those times, but summer camps are 100% me… Our Score: 1.

chores/allowance – I manage the kids’ allowance (and disbursements, ha) through an app; my husband and I brainstorm chores together. Our Score: 1.

sports and exercise – We kind of split this one – I’m the one who researches and schedules all extracurriculars (as well as getting any planned exercise), but my husband is generally the one on the hook to take the kids to any sports, which is obviously a big time commitment. (Definitely not the “conception, planning, and execution” style at all…) Our Score: 3.

playdates/socializing – This has been almost entirely me, at least in terms of setting up playdates, going to kid parties, talking to other parents, etc. Our Score: 1.

sick kids – We both take sick kid duty, and in general we alternate nights if one of the kids needs nighttime attention. We both schedule doctors’ appointments and take them, but any follow up (filling prescriptions, making f/u appointments) is all me. Our Score: 3.

diaper changes – I don’t actually remember this much, which must mean it felt pretty equal in my eyes. When I was breastfeeding, I handled middle of the night wakings if that was part of the schedule. Both kids struggled with sleep around ages 3/4; my youngest in particular wanted to come in and sleep with us or talk to us at around 3 in the morning. So we adopted a rule of “if it’s before 5, Mom will take it” (because I can fall back asleep), but if it was close to 5AM then Dad would take it. Our Score: 2.

{related: what to know about weaponized incompetence}

the enforcer – This is usually me… Our Score: 1.

kid money – Again, this is me… I manage the kids’ various accounts. Our Score: 1.

Our Total Score: 26 (mom does more work than dad). Am I happy with how we share the mental load of parenting? Honestly, yes, and where I’ve been unhappy it’s been more with the situation (kid at 3 AM for 4th night that week) rather than frustration that my husband wasn’t taking more of the load.

This is how my husband and I share the mental load with parenting — how do you share the mental load of parenting duties with YOUR partner?