How to Share the Mental Load with Household Duties

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man and woman cook dinner together with orange cookware

Readers, do you feel like you and your partner split household duties (and the mental load associated with them) evenly? Are you satisfied with how you split them, whether evenly or not? What are your best tips on how to share the mental load with household duties?

Some things to consider:

Do you outsource some things, such as through a regular cleaning service or lawn service? Who hires/supervises/prepares for those services (such as pre-cleaning for the cleaning service, removing toys from the lawn so the mowers can mow, etc.)?

cleaning: To whatever extent you don’t outsource, who cleans your house? Think about vacuuming, dusting, mopping, disinfecting kitchen counters, cleaning toilets and sinks, etc…. Who keeps track of once-a-year cleaning duties like windows? Who keeps track of cleaning supplies? (Super small question, but: who replaces the toilet paper on the holder?)

organizing/tidying: Who organizes your home (or tries to, anyway) — think about toys, board games, pantry, etc. — not just getting stuff off the floor so you can vacuum but getting stuff into the right “home” spot?

yardwork: If applicable — who does the weeding? cares for the lawn? snow removal? vegetables or flowers?

car maintenance: Who regularly gets gas? Who does regular duties like checking oil and tire pressure, and scheduling semi-regular car appointments? Who tidies the car(s)?

grocery shopping: Who keeps The List of what’s needed, who goes to the store, who puts things away?

meals: Who plans the meals for the week, who cooks the meals, who cleans up afterwards?

dishes: Who does the dishes, whether by hand or by loading the dishwasher? Who unloads the dishwasher/puts things away?

kid-related food: If you pack lunch or snacks, who prepares those items? Who assembles the items (i.e., putting the refrigerated foods in the lunch bag with non-refrigerated items)?

laundry: Who does the laundry, who puts it away?

kid wardrobes: Who buys the kids clothes in their current sizes, who keeps track of what they’ve outgrown or is no longer seasonal (and who puts them away/keeps track for hand-me-downs/plans & arranges donations)?

bonus Q: If you personally were unable to take care of your household duties for an extended period (travel, sickness), could your partner handle your duties? Would they know what to do in your absence?

Here’s an easy template if you want to comment and reply to all of them:

outsourcing –
cleaning –
organizing/tidying –
yardwork –
car maintenance –
groceries –
meals –
dishes –
kid-related food –
laundry –
kid wardrobes –
bonus Q –

For my $.02, here are my answers to the things that apply to us:

How My Husband and I Share the Mental Load with Household Duties

outsourcing: When we’ve had cleaning services in the past, I do the initial research on whom to hire, then we clean for the cleaners collectively and often my husband is the one who manages any schedule changes with them.

cleaning: I do most of the day-to-day surface cleaning, while my husband is a bit obsessed with vacuuming regularly.

organizing/tidying: This is 85% me with clothes, dishes, toys, school supplies, bedding… pretty much anything I can think of unless we’re talking about tools.

groceries: I generally make the list, although we have a whiteboard in our kitchen where we keep a running list of what’s needed. I’ve learned that a) if we use a box or bottle then my husband doesn’t check to see if there’s a second one in the pantry, and b) my husband tends to “not remember” to list things we regularly stock like onions, butter, etc. (If I go to the grocery store in person I tend to fling open our fridge and take a picture, so I can zoom in as needed.) If we’re doing an online order, I’m the one who puts the order in; if it’s an in-person shop, I’m the one doing it. My husband does tend to put things away generally, but I often end up putting cans away because he doesn’t know where they go.

meals: I generally plan the family meals for the week, but a lot of times I just print the recipes and then my husband cooks. My husband does most of the meal cleanup and dishes.

dishes: My husband does most of the dishes that need handwashing, but we both load the dishwasher; I’d say he unloads the dishwasher more often than I do. (I do it maybe 25% of the time?) I tend to be the only one who knows where some things “live,” whether it’s the avocado keeper or the wedding china.

kid-related food: I’m the one who tends to put together the kids’ lunches and think about what needs to go in the fridge or be prepped the night before; I’m usually the one who assembles the lunches also (maybe 80% of the time).

laundry: My husband does a lot of the laundry, and usually puts it mostly away (maybe 60% of the time).

kid wardrobes: This is 100% me — I keep track of who needs what, what season it is, who’s outgrown what, what we have in storage for hand-me-downs, etc. Although my husband has recently learned my trick for when one of our sons’ drawers are full but he has “nothing to wear” — we hide the clothes that come out of the wash until we get a really clear picture of what he refuses to wear, and then take those out. (I do it for myself when I feel like one of my drawers is overflowing!)

bonus Q: Ummmmmmm…. I think my husband could survive two weeks without me in terms of meals, laundry, and so forth. I was out of town for an alumni thing for a few days and totally put brown paper bags in the fridge for each kid, each day, so he didn’t have to think about it too much in the morning.

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