How to Share the Mental Load with Household Duties
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Readers, do you feel like you and your partner split household duties (and the mental load associated with them) evenly? Are you satisfied with how you split them, whether evenly or not? What are your best tips on how to share the mental load with household duties?
{related: how to share parenting duties with your spouse}
Some things to consider:
Do you outsource some things, such as through a regular cleaning service or lawn service? Who hires/supervises/prepares for those services (such as pre-cleaning for the cleaning service, removing toys from the lawn so the mowers can mow, etc.)?
cleaning: To whatever extent you don’t outsource, who cleans your house? Think about vacuuming, dusting, mopping, disinfecting kitchen counters, cleaning toilets and sinks, etc…. Who keeps track of once-a-year cleaning duties like windows? Who keeps track of cleaning supplies? (Super small question, but: who replaces the toilet paper on the holder?)
organizing/tidying: Who organizes your home (or tries to, anyway) — think about toys, board games, pantry, etc. — not just getting stuff off the floor so you can vacuum but getting stuff into the right “home” spot?
yardwork: If applicable — who does the weeding? cares for the lawn? snow removal? vegetables or flowers?
car maintenance: Who regularly gets gas? Who does regular duties like checking oil and tire pressure, and scheduling semi-regular car appointments? Who tidies the car(s)?
grocery shopping: Who keeps The List of what’s needed, who goes to the store, who puts things away?
meals: Who plans the meals for the week, who cooks the meals, who cleans up afterwards?
dishes: Who does the dishes, whether by hand or by loading the dishwasher? Who unloads the dishwasher/puts things away?
kid-related food: If you pack lunch or snacks, who prepares those items? Who assembles the items (i.e., putting the refrigerated foods in the lunch bag with non-refrigerated items)?
{related: how to get help when you’re “the default parent”}
laundry: Who does the laundry, who puts it away?
kid wardrobes: Who buys the kids clothes in their current sizes, who keeps track of what they’ve outgrown or is no longer seasonal (and who puts them away/keeps track for hand-me-downs/plans & arranges donations)?
bonus Q: If you personally were unable to take care of your household duties for an extended period (travel, sickness), could your partner handle your duties? Would they know what to do in your absence?
{related: here’s what happened when I tried to use virtual assistants to delegate family tasks}
Here’s an easy template if you want to comment and reply to all of them:
- outsourcing –
- cleaning –
- organizing/tidying –
- yardwork –
- car maintenance –
- groceries –
- meals –
- dishes –
- kid-related food –
- laundry –
- kid wardrobes –
- bonus Q –
For my $.02, here are my answers to the things that apply to us:
{related: Fair Play’s marriage advice on conception, planning, and execution}
How My Husband and I Share the Mental Load with Household Duties
outsourcing: When we’ve had cleaning services in the past, I do the initial research on whom to hire, then we clean for the cleaners collectively and often my husband is the one who manages any schedule changes with them.
cleaning: I do most of the day-to-day surface cleaning, while my husband is a bit obsessed with vacuuming regularly.
organizing/tidying: This is 85% me with clothes, dishes, toys, school supplies, bedding… pretty much anything I can think of unless we’re talking about tools.
groceries: I generally make the list, although we have a whiteboard in our kitchen where we keep a running list of what’s needed. I’ve learned that a) if we use a box or bottle then my husband doesn’t check to see if there’s a second one in the pantry, and b) my husband tends to “not remember” to list things we regularly stock like onions, butter, etc. (If I go to the grocery store in person I tend to fling open our fridge and take a picture, so I can zoom in as needed.) If we’re doing an online order, I’m the one who puts the order in; if it’s an in-person shop, I’m the one doing it. My husband does tend to put things away generally, but I often end up putting cans away because he doesn’t know where they go.
meals: I generally plan the family meals for the week, but a lot of times I just print the recipes and then my husband cooks. My husband does most of the meal cleanup and dishes.
dishes: My husband does most of the dishes that need handwashing, but we both load the dishwasher; I’d say he unloads the dishwasher more often than I do. (I do it maybe 25% of the time?) I tend to be the only one who knows where some things “live,” whether it’s the avocado keeper or the wedding china.
kid-related food: I’m the one who tends to put together the kids’ lunches and think about what needs to go in the fridge or be prepped the night before; I’m usually the one who assembles the lunches also (maybe 80% of the time).
laundry: My husband does a lot of the laundry, and usually puts it mostly away (maybe 60% of the time).
kid wardrobes: This is 100% me — I keep track of who needs what, what season it is, who’s outgrown what, what we have in storage for hand-me-downs, etc. Although my husband has recently learned my trick for when one of our sons’ drawers are full but he has “nothing to wear” — we hide the clothes that come out of the wash until we get a really clear picture of what he refuses to wear, and then take those out. (I do it for myself when I feel like one of my drawers is overflowing!)
bonus Q: Ummmmmmm…. I think my husband could survive two weeks without me in terms of meals, laundry, and so forth. I was out of town for an alumni thing for a few days and totally put brown paper bags in the fridge for each kid, each day, so he didn’t have to think about it too much in the morning.
{related: what to know about weaponized incompetence}
These are interesting! I’ll play too:
outsourcing – We have a housecleaner who comes every 2 weeks, and lawnmowing weekly. Also seasonal yard cleanup and mulch.
cleaning – Aside from the cleaner, 80% me *except* the kitchen, which DH and I share pretty equally. I also don’t do floors other than turning on the robot vacuum, so any floor cleaning in between cleaner visits is all him.
organizing/tidying – 80% me. Every once in a while, DH gets a bee in his bonnet about the computer lab (his+kids’ computer room) or the basement storage area, but day-to-day it’s usually me doing or reminding others to do the tidying
yardwork – Planting and maintaining flowerbeds and vegetable gardens is 100% me, but because I like it. yard crew takes care of the lawn.
car maintenance – We both work near an auto mx shop, so usually take care of our own services with a drop off during the work day. DH does things like swapping wiper blades.
groceries – 50/50ish, but I makes more of the meal plans and lists, he does more of the shopping
meals – 70/30 DH cooks dinner more than I do, maybe 4-5 days a week (and we usually have pizza or take-out one night)
dishes – 70/30 DH does most of the hand washing, but I do most of the dishwasher loading and unloading
kid-related food – 70/30 me, I pack all school lunches and do breakfast for the kids during the week; DH does more on weekends
laundry – 90% me, DH is in charge of putting away the folded laundry, but I do everything else
kid wardrobes – 50/50. I do the seasonal swap-outs and weed things out while I’m doing laundry, we’re about even on procuring new things, DH does more online shopping and any sports stuff, I do the consignment shopping & donation runs
bonus Q – Absolutely, I’ve gone away for a week+ on a few occasions and he handles things. The house is more cluttered and the food is less healthy, but everyone survives. And honestly, the house is more cluttered and the food is less healthy when I’m solo-parenting, too, so no judgement.
Outsource: monthly cleaning
cleaning: 50/50. He handles everything kitchen related, which is honestly the greatest source of grime/daily mess TP replacement is as needed – we keep extra rolls on each floor.
organizing/tidying: 100% me
yardwork: 100% him
car maintenance: 100% him
grocery shopping: 100% him. He nudges me to update list if there’s anything specific coming up (hosting my friends for brunch) but is fine figuring it out
meals: 100 % him
dishes: 100 % him
kid-related food: 100 % him
laundry: 90% me
kid wardrobes: 100 % me
bonus Q: absolutely. He just did this a few weeks back for 10 days.
I’ll play: TLDR is that in this season of life I do most of the mental load (which I don’t mind and I will freely admit I have control issues) and oversee a lot of house chores (most of which I outsource) but DH is a SAHD and does nearly all of the childcare for a high-energy, low sleep needs demanding child (who we love dearly, but is a lot). I expect the balance to change once DD starts school in the fall and we are in agreement on that.
outsourcing – Unless it is something in my domain (noted below), DH is tasked with solving whatever problem we need solved. He is a SAHD and therefore is home all of the time to deal with third parties and as an introvert I much prefer to have him talk to strangers (e.g., there was a small leak in the roof, he managed to find a reasonably priced roofer to come out in the middle of a torrential rain storm same-day to temporarily fix it (and do the permanent fix the next day once dry) and to this day I have no idea how). He has on his list finding a handyman for a list of small projects I keep adding to. He is also in charge of the plumber, electrician, powerwashing and gutter cleaning, etc.
cleaning – outsourced but my domain (I have much higher standards than DH). I outsource to a weekly housekeeper and I manage that relationship with the owner of the service. I also vacuum once in between visits (will likely transition to DH once DD is in school). DH handles day-to-day spills, crumbs, etc. since he is the one home.
organizing/tidying – This just doesn’t get done. I would like to do it. Once some health issues in our family stabilize, this is where my next set of energy will go because we are starting to look like packrats after 2 years of no entertaining (so no perceived external judgment, which is motivating to me) and never leaving the house (e.g., my formal living room has crept into having a play tent and an art desk and a foosball table and we probably need to do some reorganizing so not every space in my house is a play space or give up the ghost of a formal living room rather than have the split personality room which I find annoying). DH may take some of this on once DD starts school as well, although a lot of the stuff that is piled up is my stuff since he is by default much neater than me (notwithstanding his aversion to cleaning, he is tidy (I am very not)).
yardwork – Mostly outsourced but my domain. I outsource lawn cutting, tree trimming, weeding and mulching to a lawn guy, and I manage the relationship. Lawn guy will call me if he knocks on the door and only DH is home, which is super entertaining to me because in our area it is common for lawn guys to only talk to men (yet another reason I appreciate our lawn guy) but he knows where the decisions get made. Don’t get me started on the multiple companies who refused to quote me new windows unless my husband was home. Fertilizer and weed control is outsourced to a different company. DD and I do the seasonal planting together, but over the years I have tried to plant two deer-resistant perennials for every annual, so the annual planting we do is really optional and makes me happy (our house would still look fine without it given the perennials and in some past seasons I have just not bothered).
car maintenance – All DH. I used to at least take my car in for oil changes until one time DH had to take it in and for some reason oil changes for men cost $30 and oil changes for women cost $70 and it was literally the same service at the same place. So now DH does all of it. That includes regular car washes and a full detail once or twice a year, air in the tires, checking the battery, filling up washer fluid, often filling up for gas (I will fill if I am otherwise out and about in that direction but often DH will take my car specifically to fill it up since the Costco gas station is not on my commute but is only 10 minutes the other direction), etc.
groceries – Shared. We both add to our online delivery list, which is delivered weekly. I usually unpack and put away groceries because I am more awake in the morning when they are delivered, but if I can’t for whatever reason, DH will do it. Definitely transitioning to him (and weekday vs. weekend deliveries) once DD is in school.
meals – Shared. If it involves cooking it is me, but DH manages more than half the meals through restaurant delivery, frozen food or takeout, and unless I specifically tell him I am cooking, he knows he is in charge of making food appear. I probably cook once on weekends and once or twice during the week. DH could burn water but is excellent at arranging delivery without my involvement.
dishes – Kitchen is my domain, so that’s me (and increasingly DD who is starting to be able to empty the dishwasher mostly unsupervised at 4). He only ever touches the dishwasher when I am out of town or not able to get out of bed ill, and even then anything that is not a basic plate or glass will be waiting for when I am back because he doesn’t know where it lives (unless he asks DD, who often does because she likes to cook with me).
kid-related food – Mostly DH. Kid is super picky and only eats like 10 things, but they involve minimal cooking for the most part so he can handle. Sometimes I will batch cook something more involved she likes on weekends (waffles or pancakes from scratch instead of frozen, a beef and rice dish, biscuits from scratch, etc.), but he handles giving her the leftovers.
laundry – Shared and outsourced. I wash DD’s clothes with mine; our housekeepers fold them. DH washes and folds his own laundry. Housekeepers wash and fold sheets when they are here (we have two sets per bed to make this work). Towels I usually wash every other week and either I or DH will fold them. Likely will transition mine and kid’s laundry and towels to DH once she is in school.
kid wardrobes – Me and my mother. I usually fill in basics twice a year and keep track of sizing, but my mother loves to shop so I leave plenty of gaps for my mom to fill in for holiday gifts or no reason at all (she usually buys coats (winter, rain) unless I find something and preempt it, lots of “fun” shoes (flip flops, clogs, crocks, sandals that are not water friendly, slippers, none of which my kid actually needs), dresses (play dresses to be clear, not occasion dresses), swimsuits and usually some summer clothes for the times DD spends weeks at her house). My mother knows where I like to shop and asks about current sizing so while it is way more clothes than required, it makes them both happy.
Not mentioned:
– Calendar management is shared. We keep separate calendars and send each other appointments. If there is something he needs me to cover for (I have a flexible hybrid schedule) he knows it has to be on my calendar or it won’t even register. Similarly, on days I know I will be in the office, I send him a calendar appointment for those so he can book things (like current physical therapy) around that.
– Paying bills and generally managing our day to day budget is me. DH manages our long-term investments.
– Medical matters. I manage all of that (including for DH). For DD, unless it is a routine sick visit where I am reasonably confident in what the diagnosis will be, I usually attend the appointment (and often both of us do). I discovered last year that notwithstanding our dental insurance, he hadn’t been to the dentist in 4 years. So now I make all our appointments and send him calendar invites and he shows up at them and he sees the same providers I do so I can just schedule his routine appointments at the same time as mine. For “big” appointments (like for a serious injury he recently had with the orthopedic) I will actually go to the appointment with him or send him with a list of questions we talk about in advance, in large part because he will not ask questions in the moment and he doesn’t really “speak medical” in the same way that I do (I have managed care for my mom at various points in the last decade and my own medical history is complex). He does book his own sick visits.
– Enrolling kid in activities is me, but he actually takes her to them.
– DH manages twice weekly speech therapy for kiddo; I manage her IEP process.
– Vacation planning is mostly me, but DH is typically in charge of hotel reservations.
bonus Q – They would be (and have been) fine. They eat primarily restaurant food (which, TBH, I did as a kid and turned out fine) and things are not done the way I would do them but everyone is happy and healthy which is what matters. I typically cancel the housekeepers when I am not home so that DH and DD don’t have to “declutter” and DH might skip extracurriculars if the schedule is going to be busy that week. The money management is really the only thing they would need me for, as we keep separate accounts and I deposit money from my individual account to which DH doesn’t have access into our joint account monthly for joint expenses. Some of our bills also come electronically to me (he could handle the ones that come via mail of course) and he wouldn’t necessarily know to pay those. That probably needs to be part of our next estate planning session is pulling together those lists of bills, accounts and ways to access.
My husband is a SAHD, so obviously, he takes a disproportionate amount here.
Outsourcing: basically none (can’t justify that one with one income and someone home!)
Cleaning: Probably 70% him. We both have pretty low standards, to be honest. I rarely do any real housework during the week, and he might do 1 or 2 things a day.
Organizing/tidying: He keeps the kids on tidying through the week and does some himself, but I’m the only one who will really do a real re-organization project.
Yard work: 95% him on what needs to be done (mowing, trimming, etc.) I keep a veggie garden (90%), but that’s more of a hobby to me.
Car maintenance:95% him – I have to remind him, but he’s happy to take my car in while I’m at work if needed.
Groceries: 90% him. This is something I actually miss from pre-kid days! I like grocery shopping, but it makes much more sense for him to do it during the week.
Meals: Probably 75% me. I like to cook and plan meals, and usually call an the one to make it happen. We usually cook together, but I’m the one leading it. We try to take turns planning dinners.
Dishes: 75% him. He does them during the week, I probably do them or we work together most weekends.
Kid-related food: mostly him, of course, though we swap out during the weekend.
Laundry: He does all except mine. He’s really persnickety about folding, so I’ve given up helping with it -he’ll just re-do my work. I wash most of my clothes separately on delicate, which I handle.
Kid wardrobes: he’ll take them out when they need to shop for something, though I usually wind up managing buying online in-between.
Outsourcing: none currently
Cleaning: 20% me
Organizing / Tidying: organizing 70% me, tidying 50/50
Yardwork: only just moved to a place with a yard so we will see, likely to be mostly him
Car maintenance: Mostly me, we dropped down to one car which is in my name at the mechanic so its easier
Groceries: 50/50, write a list together and take turns going to the store once a week
Meals: 50/50, we take turns on about half the meals, and cook about half together
Dishes: 20% me
Kid-related food: NA, planning on <25% me as husband will be house spouse and I will be working full time
Laundry: 40% me
Kids wardrobes: NA
Outsourcing: cleaners 2x/mo
Cleaning: 90% me
Organizing / Tidying: 80% me
Yardwork: 50/50. He mows, I do weeding and the veg garden
Car maintenance: Mostly me, as mechanic is on my way to the office
Groceries: I do 100% shopping, he’ll contribute items to list
Meals: 90% me
Dishes: 85% me
Kid-related food: he does breakfast, schools do lunch, I do dinner 9 of 10 nights
Laundry: 100% me
Kids wardrobes: 100% me
Bonus q: If I go out of town, everyone survives but house is a total disaster when I get back. Laundry not done, dishes in sink, clutter and messes everywhere. He doesn’t see the mess. We both work from home and he has the office with a door that closes b/c the chaos of it drives me crazy.
Not on the list? Kids playtime, He is amazing at it, and not even the toddler can wear him out. He watches the kids while I do (apparently almost all of) the above.
Outsourcing – We don’t outsource.
Cleaning – 80-90% me, but honestly with two little ones and a third on the way, I don’t spend too much time on this, and our house is dirtier/messier than I’d like.
Tidying/organizing – 80-90% me
Yardwork – 100% husband. I use my terrible allergies as an excuse, but I’m just really not outdoorsy.
Car maintenance – Used to be 50/50, but I’ve delegated this task to him.
Groceries – 75% me – I usually meal prep, make the list, and do the shopping because I enjoy figuring out meals and picking out food (esp. produce; I’m picky!).
Meals – ~40% me. Husband probably cooks more, but he tends to cook simpler/not-the-healthiest items, where I usually am the one following a recipe and trying to add lots of fruits and veggies.
Dishes –50/50
Kid-food – 60-70% me (whoever finishes putting a kid to bed first usually makes lunch)
Laundry – 80%me – I wash all laundry, and I try to put everything away, but I usually enlist my husband’s help with the last couple of loads.
Bonus Q – He’d be fine with keeping our children and himself alive; he would probably miss school deadlines. If he were away for an extended period, I would probably arrange a yard service because I am not interested in yard work.
Other:
-making doctor’s/dentist appointments and taking kid to them: I make all kid appointments, but we’re 50/50 with taking kids to the appointments
-arranging playdates and going to them: 100% me, but our oldest is in preschool and just starting to have playdates with kids whose parents aren’t our friends
-enrolling kid in activities and taking kid to them -enrolling is 100% me; 50% of the time we go to activities as a family and 50% it’s my husband because I have to work or I’m home caring for a sick sibling
-buying holiday and birthday gifts for kid and kid’s friends and managing requests from relatives about what kid wants for gifts — 100% me.
-reading parenting books and thinking about bigger picture parenting issues – 100% me
-planning vacations and local outings and coordinating visits from non-local family; 90% me – my husband keeps a list of all the restaurants he wants to visit in our region and busts that out from time to time. I coordinate all other activities with input from him.
-buying anything kid needs for school and activities, as well as keeping the house stocked with books 100% me
-taking kid to the library regularly to check out new books 100% me but we both stink at this
I’ll play:
outsourcing – we have a cleaning service
cleaning – 75% me
organizing/tidying – 85% me
yardwork – 80% him
car maintenance – 50/50 (we each take care of our own)
groceries – 50/50ish. This shifted over the pandemic. DH used to do almost all of it but now I am responsible for the ordering and he usually puts things away.
meals – 40% me. He has more requirement about what he eats so he takes care of making sure he has those things. He does almost all the breakfasts.
dishes – 50/50
kid-related food – 60% me (I pack the school lunches).
laundry – 50/50 (we each do our own and throw the kids in with ours)
kid wardrobes – 100% me
kid doctor’s appts – probably 75% me. I make all of them and he goes to some.
other kid activities — all me
play dates/booking babysitters/planning dates – all me
travel — all me
supervising homework — mostly me
supervising instrument practice and lessons — almost all him
buying holiday and birthday gifts for parties/relatives – all me
reading parenting books and thinking about bigger picture parenting issues – only me
buying anything kid needs for school and activities — all me
school engagement — all me but this used to be more evenly divided
Outsourcing – Cleaning service; semi-annual landscaping service. I manage them but it’s not a lot of work
Cleaning – We don’t really clean between our biweekly cleaners
Tidying/organizing – I do more than my husband but truthfully neither of us do much
Yardwork – I mow the lawn and do light garden maintenance
Car maintenance – 50/50, we each do our own
Groceries – husband normally places the grocery order and does the curbside pickup, I do it occasionally
Meals – Between the two of us my husband does 100% of cooking dinners, but we eat a lot of Doordash and Freshly so he’s usually making dinner only 2-3 nights per week. I make breakfasts on weekends and do a lot of baking.
Dishes – Mostly husband, but I clean up after myself when I cook or feed kiddo
Kid-food – N/A, school provides all meals and snacks
Laundry – 50/50, we each do our own
Kid wardrobe purchasing – all me
Bonus Q – he’s fine when I travel but I do have to leave him a document with info about kid appointments, activities and yardwork instructions. He does not have to do the same for me, but that’s largely because of the way we’ve chosen to divide labor (I don’t need instructions about how to cook or do dishes).
I think there are a LOT of mental load things you left off. Just off the top of my head,
-making doctor’s/dentist appointments and taking kid to them
-arranging playdates and going to them
-enrolling kid in activities and taking kid to them
-supervising homework (for an older kid)
-buying holiday and birthday gifts for kid and kid’s friends and managing requests from relatives about what kid wants for gifts
-reading parenting books and thinking about bigger picture parenting issues
-planning vacations and local outings and coordinating visits from non-local family
-buying anything kid needs for school and activities, as well as keeping the house stocked with books
-taking kid to the library regularly to check out new books
Individually, none of them are huge tasks, but cumulatively it’s a lot, especially as kids get older and involved in more stuff. I do nearly 100% of this stuff, which feels fair to me given that my husband does the majority of the housework. It would not feel fair to me to do all or most of this stuff if we split housework 50-50.
outsourcing – we have a cleaning service
cleaning – shared, probably 60% me
organizing/tidying – mostly me
yardwork – n/a
car maintenance – o% me. I also defer 90% of dog related chores and any other kind of maintenance be it changing A/C filters or alarm batteries or whatever.
groceries – 75% me. I sometimes wish it was more split but I am better at it. Mr. AIMS volunteers to go get all the groceries but he will inevitably buy produce that isn’t great or dairy that is about to expire or he won’t check to see what’s on sale, etc. He also shops either super literally or buys a cake impulsively, whereas I like to go and see what looks good or is on sale and plan dinner in my head around that.
meals – 65-70% me. Again, I could not do this but if I want to eat healthier and make sure kids eat wholesome food, this is something that I need take on. Mr. AIMS is all too happy to make “fun” food and to order take out if he’s tired, which isn’t great for day to day. When we used to get Blue Apron, etc., he mostly cooked those meals. I could probably delegate the actual cooking, but I also think I am a much better cook and I like my food more.
dishes – 90% him
kid-related food – 90% me (I pack the school lunch).
laundry – he does all the laundry but I help fold
kid wardrobes – all me but this brings me literal joy. I also buy all the kids’ bday party presents & generally deal with all of that. I could delegate this but I don’t want to give up control because this is more of my strong suit and I care if we give someone a crappy present and he doesn’t
Not asked but — kid doctor’s appts – probably 65% me. I make most of them but we share who goes equally. Other kid activities — same division but trying to stop being the default planner. Now that my kids started doing actual sports, this is something that seems easier to delegate so I just say – “lets find a swim class” or “sign up Kid for soccer” and then I don’t help with anything.
bonus Q – he would survive just fine but nothing would get done the way I want. I think this is the central issue – you can have control or you can delegate and you can’t really do both. I find it really hard to relinquish control at times. If I am being honest, this is at the heart of many division of labor issues in our house. Along the same lines, when I do relinquish control, it is almost always a good thing and my advice to new moms (or even friends moving in together for the first time) is don’t try to do it all! It seems charming in the beginning and that reward center in our brain lights up from being the best at X or the only one who can do Y, but it is ultimately exhausting. Let things get f-ed up. It’s fine! I had an epiphany about this with diapers when our daughter was born: the diaper could be changed perfectly and I would be the only to ever change diapers or I could let her dad figure this out and even screw it up a few times and have help. I think sometimes we want to show that we are the best at things and that inevitably means doing everything yourself. I try to fight that impulse.
One of my friends makes her husband plan all the playdates. I think it probably has the most bang for your buck on sharing parental labor (in more ways than just playdates).