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Anon says
Tips for helping young elementary children cope with frustration? I am at the end of my patience. Help!
Anonymous says
What age is your child, and in what scenarios is the frustration most likely to show up?
Anon says
Curious about responses. I’m trying to get techniques to help with elementary age frustration. My issue is that my child will get frustrated with something and what I want them to do is come calmly ask for help or walk away from the thing that is frustrating them for a break. Instead, I just suddenly hear loud wails from the playroom because a piece of Lego isn’t fitting right or whatever. I’m adding rewards when they come ask for help and I’m thinking of taking away the frustrating thing for the day if they let it reach Level 10 without asking for help or walking away.
I feel like part of this is backlash from requiring them to tell us how they tried to solve the problem themselves first before coming to get help from DH or me. We used to be on the other extreme where kid wouldn’t try to do anything for themself when they ran into a problem and would just expect me or DH to fix something they were perfectly capable of doing for themselves.
Trying to teach that you can trust yourself and try to solve problems yourself to learn, but also it is OK to fail at solving them. Do you need to recognize when you need to ask for help before losing your mind in frustration.
Momofthree says
Without context, I can’t give super specific advice.
Some general things-
I talk about times when I’ve been frustrated or struggled, as in “it took me 6 months to learn how to cut” and then showing them how I struggled.
Giving them some space to deal with the frustration instead of immediately swooping in to help without them asking (this one is something I’m working on).
Cb says
Yeah, I won’t do the Dr Becky fake failures (I’m a grown woman, I know how to button my coat) but I will be vocal about things I can’t do… there’s this bridge in town that I often have to push my bike up, something about the slope that I just cannot manage much of the time. And I’ll talk about how it’s hard for me, and kind of visibly try and fail, and then finally when I figured it out…
When talking about our day, we also talked about what worked and didn’t work.
Mom to 8 year old says
Honestly? Therapy for the kid. It has been so, so helpful, and I wish we had done it sooner.
Anon says
How do you motivate yourself to do home/life stuff when you just don’t want to?
My husband recently got promoted and is in line for another big promotion in 2-3 years that’s a career-making role. He’s working 50+ hours a week to make this happen and coming home exhausted. I’m in a very stable role that offers flexibility and am not looking for changes anytime soon.
Logically, I totally understand that now is the time for me to step up on the home front so he can lean into work and make this happen. Whining-ly though, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to fix the leaky toilet and clean up after dinner and make sure the trash can is at the curb every week.
There’s also a huge part of me that’s nervous about doing this while our kids are so young and cementing these roles. I know my husband didn’t choose the timing of this and openly wishes this had gone through pre-kids, but Covid messed up the timing and it is what it is.
Anonymous says
Honestly like only 50 hours? Man can take the trash out and load and unload the dishwasher. Def get weekly housekeeping. Or when do you think this will change? I promise you if he gets the promotion he will be busier.
IHeartBacon says
This. I’m usually physically at my office 9-10 hours per day with a 1.5 hour daily round trip commute. This means I am away from my house 52.5-57.5 hours M-F. I still make some meals, take out trash, do a little cleaning throughout the week in between when the cleaners come, do some laundry and dishes, etc. I also do the bedtime routine (shower, brush teeth, read book, etc) every other night. I do all of it exhausted. Your husband can do the same.
Anonymous says
Couple ideas:
1) hire it out, man! You guys have two full time jobs. Make running the household someone else’s. Use the money from his promotion to soften the blow of the additional work. A handyman can fix the toilet. You might be able to pay your trash company to drag your cans (mine will do this for a fee). Order more dinner out.
2) Get your kids to help! unless they are infants, they can be part of “dad is going to be extra busy at work so we all need to do a little extra around the house.” Even if it isn’t faster, it helps model the family approach to supporting DH vs you taking on the wife-ly duties.
3) find time to have extra fun with the kids. Again, depends on their ages but if dad is working late, take them to the playground after school/daycare and have a picnic! If dad needs to rest on the weekend, go to the beach or zoo or playground or somewhere where you can sit with a cup of coffee while they play, or, if they are older, where you can have fun with them. My kids are 4/6/9 and if DH needs some alone time, I take them to the zoo or our nearby city for a mini adventure. This is do-able because we don’t have naps or diapers to deal with so YMMV on this task. Alternatively, get a babysitter (see #1).
Cb says
A) I don’t think 50 hour weeks get you a total buy out from cleaning up after dinner? I’d want to aim for a similar amount of leisure?
B) What of these problems can be solved with money? Would a weekly cleaner help? A handyman for a day to fix all the items in your snag list?
Anne-on says
Ha, this reminds me that all my husband wants for Father’s Day is a handyman for the day to take care of the nagging little jobs around the house that otherwise he’d need to take care of and I need to book it!
I highly recommend this approach if you have a bunch of annoying tasks that you can bundle. The last time we did this we paid for 3 hours and the guy hung 2 light fixtures and set up 4 big IKEA wire shelving units AND hauled away all the packaging, it was worth every penny.
Boston Legal Eagle says
100% on this. I called a handyperson service, they came and fixed random things around the house, and it was completely worth it. Sure, we could hang shelves ourselves, but we weren’t getting to them, so we spent money not time.
Anon says
There are services that do this! In DC we have a service called Hourly Husbands, where you can have them come for a day and literally do all of the little nagging things – I had them hang a mirror, a bunch of shelves and some art, and fix a bunch of random things that had been bothering us.
They did a much better job than we would have too!
Spirograph says
Thanks for this recommendation!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
We have a handyman that we just use consistently as our go-to. He also helps out at my parents house, which is how we “found” him. When we need help, we call/text him. Usually we wait until we have a good working list (so 3-4x/year) and then have him come handle things in batches.
Anon says
Yep this.
Pogo says
This. We both work 45-50 hour weeks very frequently. We do hire stuff out, but sometimes DH mows the lawn from 8-9:30pm while I’m on the phone with Asia and the kids are sleeping. That’s life.
And I’m with you, I hate certain tasks. So I pay our nanny to do them (unloading the backpacks & lunch boxes, tidying up the kitchen, unloading the dishwasher, washing the g.d. sippy cups, etc).
Anon says
Will he be doing this schedule for the next 2-3 years? That’s a long time to be exhausted. Will his hours/flexibility improve after that?
This sounds hard…Im assuming you’ve had all the conversations and are in agreement that this is the best plan for your family (if not, start there! It’s okay to shift goals after kids). I would definitely outsource what you can (cleaning service, take out/freezer meals) so you save your energy for those little extras.
And then, I’d set a timer for however long after the kids are in bed to knock things out (30 min?), and then call it a day. You can get a good amount of “maintenance” done in a focused amount of time without kids, but you also don’t want to burn yourself out so set a limit. And don’t sit down until that’s done.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I would think long and hard about whether this promotion and the next one are something that you really want and will work for your family long term. It’s fine if both spouses agree that one will be focused on career while the other will take care of everything home related, but that sounds like maybe not what you want your dynamic to be. Even if you outsource a lot, you’ll still be taking on a lot of the mental load of making sure the pieces line up. Another option would be to sit down and discuss which mental load you each will take on (and he should still take some – he’s a member of this household) and that person manages that part completely, whether it means setting up regular sitters, finding handypeople, ordering groceries online, etc.
Anne-on says
If he truly needs to be all in, I’d start taking a hard look at your budget and then seeing what you can throw money at. If this job is asking for a huge chunk of his time but isn’t paying him enough for you to outsource getting a plumber to fix the leaky toilet then what, exactly is he doing this for? Call me a money grubbing capitalist but my job isn’t changing the world, so if they want that much of my time they better pay me.
For general around the house stuff/kid stuff that is harder (but not impossible to outsource). We have a sitter for 25 hrs/week and in addition to kid things she also walks the dog/takes pets to vet appointments/does returns/grocery shops/does laundry for us. It is a HUGE help and she is worth every single penny we pay her, I’d sooner fire our weekly cleaners than chop her hours.
govtattymom says
I totally understand why you don’t want to carry extra weight at home right now. It sounds like you are working full time and taking care of young kids- of course you don’t have a ton of bandwidth to take on extra chores right now! Do you already have a cleaning service? Do you eat takeout multiple times per week? Use little spoon for kids meals? I know this stuff isn’t a game changer and also gets recommended a lot but it’s the best I’ve been able to come up with for myself. Best of lucky to your husband on landing the promotion!
Anon says
I don’t. I’m in a similar position: DH surgeon with zero flexibility; me with the more flexible job; young kids. I just find more things to outsource and also lower the bar for myself. But practically:
1) outsource as much as you can. Laundry. Cleaning. Landscaping. Handyman. Dog walker. Snow shoveler. Etc. once you find ppl you trust, it gets easier bc it’s automated.
2) make him put that trash can out every week. Surely there are some household tasks like this he can do.
3) This internet stranger gives you permission to complain and still loathe doing household tasks. I complain about putting laundry away even though we outsource it and it comes back nicely folded. :)
Anon says
I work more than 60 hours a week (this week it is closer to 80, sigh, I am too old for this nonsense) and I still put the trash can out every week and do the dishes (even on nights I am not home for dinner!). Sometimes the dishes sit in the sink all night or for a day until I can get to them either while prepping my breakfast or last thing before I go to bed, but DH has let the “no dishes in the sink” rule go in favor of never having to do dishes (so a combination of lowering the bar and peeling off chores that are not time sensitive).
Spirograph says
How do I motivate myself? I don’t. Sometimes I feel motivated and I get some extra stuff done, but if I don’t… it just doesn’t get done. I am pro-outsourcing. I have a running list of home maintenance things and when I feel industrious, I look at it and check something off (or at least hire someone to come check it off). Listening to music, podcasts, or audiobooks is sometimes nice if I’m doing mindless stuff with my hands like washing dishes. If I’m in the middle of a good audiobook, I clean all the things just so I have an “excuse” to listen to it!
Gently, I would rethink whether you really need to “step up on the home front.” Is this something he told you, or a conclusion you came to on your own? Support your husband, and sure, one-time take some things of his plate occasionally if he’s struggling, but I work 50+ hours for a stretch sometimes, and that doesn’t absolve me of household tasks like cooking and cleaning up after dinner or doing the laundry. I would hold firm on him retaining responsibility for a good chunk of the day-to-day work of running a household.
Anon says
+1
Anon says
Sounds like your husband needs to be asking himself your opening question, not you! My husband and I both work jobs with long hours, 50 hours would be a great week for either of us, and I’m sort of surprised that your husband thinks he gets to “nope” out of household responsibilities just because he’s gunning for a promotion. Home responsibilities come first, choosing to pursue a career opportunity is something you can add on top but it cuts into your own free time, not adding work on your partner!
It sounds like you guys have already decided this isn’t the right model for you, but for us we divide responsibilities and hold to those delineations. We are not flexible about if they get done, but we are flexible about how they get done during our busy periods (which are 70-80 hr weeks). For example, my husband is in charge of food: he can do grocery shopping, or get grocery delivery, or get takeout, or serve frozen pizza one night and a bagged salad the next, but he needs to get food in the house and on the table. I’m in charge of cleaning: I can buy whatever cleaning implements I need to make it easier like a roomba, or get a one off cleaning service if needed (we don’t have cleaners), or do it myself. Etc down the list of household chores. This works because we’re both naturally frugal and have similar levels of cleanliness/maintenance expectations, the other person won’t step in without being asked and resent it, and we’re decent about communicating about things in advance or identifying small ways the other could make a big difference (e.g., since one of the jobs can have a ~3 week stretch where the person works M-Sat, they might not be able to visit a specific store during its open hours but would identify needed product in stock, have it held at the register – that’s the type of thing the other of us would willingly step in to cover).
Assuming from your post that you’ve already decided that you’re not going to push back on your husband, I think the answer for you is probably a combination of lowering your standards and outsourcing. Good luck to him with the promo and you for this intense period! It’s incredible how hard dual career household management is and kudos is due to everyone who pulls it off.
Anonymous says
What does lift look like if he gets the next promotion? This is a longer convo about how your family will operate.
I had the big job until I had kids. Now DH has the big job and I work 25 hours/week.
Anon says
my DH has always worked this much and I work a lot less. I do more on the home front, BUT I made it very clear when we were moving into a house that I don’t have the capacity to take on a lot more. we outsource handyman stuff bc honestly DH and I are the least handy couple in the world and would probably break things. he is in charge of taking out the trash unless he is traveling, and when he is home, if I cook, he cleans, or he does bedtime with the kids while I clean up. yes, this often means he is up later than i am finishing up work or relaxing, but I also need more sleep than he does to function
Anonymous says
When our daughter was an infant and toddler, my husband worked 55 hours every week and did all the cooking and dishes because I was in law school, working part-time, and commuting 2 hours a day. Just saying.
Anon says
My DH works about 50 hours a week and I now work less than 10 hours weekly at a unicorn job thanks to Covid and homeschooling. DH still does half the deep cleaning, all of the dishes, all of the trash, and 50% of the cooking. I handle all laundry, half the deep cleaning, all the meal planning, 50% of the cooking, all the daytime childcare/homeschooling, and nearly 100% of house maintenance stuff. We have to navigate my unpredictable chronic illness that leaves me a lot less capable some days than others, which is also why we have to homeschool indefinitely if we want to ensure my kid has a mother who is around for her childhood (since society has apparently decided I’m dispensable). But my point for this post is that you each should have equal leisure hours and I’m not sure that is true if your DH only works 50 hours and expects you to handle all the housework. It sounds more like your DH expects his leisure time not to change at all after his promotion and that you should just give up all of yours so he can have that.
Anonanonanon says
I know you were listing random examples, but your husband can 100% take the trashcans to the curb on the evening before trash day when he gets home from a 10-hour day. It’s a lot less of a pain in the butt for him to do that when he just pulled in the driveway than for you to try to fit it into an evening of solo parenting. A 10-hour workday does not exempt him from doing anything around the house. I promise there is a moment in his day he can call a guy about the leaky toilet. Like you mentioned- it is SO EASY for these roles to cement this way. Don’t let them!
When the weather is nice, stay out of the house as much as possible. Pack a picnic dinner, pick up the kids, take them to the park, and eat there. Or pick up a little ceasars on the way, whatever it takes. Use paper plates if you have to. Buy stouffers meals, that stuff is yummy. Get on a meal schedule for the kids and make them fast dinners. Pasta monday, taco tuesday, whatever. You don’t have to eat with the kids, you can sit at the table and chat with them and worry about feeding yourself/your husband later. That’s what we do when we’re busy and it’s a lot better/less stressful than trying to prepare and enjoy adult meals with children around. When you’re totally over it, use paper plates.
For cleaning, I find if I tell myself I’m just going to do 10 minutes and quit after that if I want to, I usually get the ball rolling. Or I save a special podcast for cleaning time.
Anon says
I like division of labour. Like what tasks can your husband completely take over? My partner does all the kids laundry. That’s his job and the kids know not to ask me about it. I like owning tasks and the person who works more doesn’t get to nope out of household tasks.
For example, if you clean up after dinner M-F, then that’s his job S/S, no questions. Or I always have my partner do dentist/optometrist appointments. Those can be planned far in advance, so even in a low flex job, you can plan around them.
OP says
Thank you for all the responses and ideas!!
This is all so new. We have 2 under 2. We unexpectedly bought a house this spring when our landlord gave us notice. His promotion is 6 months old. It’s just been a lot and we’re navigating these new responsibilities.
Husband is a neat freak who doesn’t feel like he can rest until things are done so I don’t feel like he’s purposefully shucking responsibilities. He’s also an acts of service guy who is hugely grateful when I do his tasks. I know he’s stressed and exhausted right now and I think it would really hurt our relationship if my response was to not help out.
He’s definitely still doing things around the house, and especially is still doing all his expected kid related jobs. Yesterday he worked from 6:45-4:45, did the daycare pick up, dinner and bedtime routine until I got home at 6, then logged back in until we had dinner at 8. Frankly, him being a fully committed parent is non-negotiable.
For the most part we agree that leisure time should be equal, and I guess that’s part of my frustration. Me working 40 hours a week + 20 hours of mental load = him working 60 hours a week.
I think we both agree his level of stress and exhaustion isn’t long term sustainable and are hoping it will get better when he adjusts to this new role. Ultimate Goal Role should offer him a lot more flexibility in terms of hours/working from home.
Spirograph says
OK, this is good extra context. I’ve been there, and to some extent, I think the answer here is to realize this is just life with 2 under 2. You would be exhausted even you both had strict 40 hours a week jobs. This a season in your life when lowering expectations might be the answer. I am your husband in that I get antsy when there are things to do… but there are always things to do when you have kids. Always. You have to learn to separate necessary from nice-to-have, and don’t burn out trying to do it all.
(Separately, reading through this thread after I listened to a podcast this morning about the great 4 day workweek experiments is just a huge juxtaposition and makes me wonder why we all do this to ourselves with the more-than-full-time jobs!!)
Anon says
Yeah it sounds like the challenge here is maybe more mental – the stress of a new job and the amount of WORK it is to have a house and two little kids. I’d actually suggest you two focus more on how you can have quality time together and with the kids and also a little time for exercise or whatever helps you manage your own stress, and try really hard to lower your standards on cleanliness and maintenance because there will absolutely not be time for a clean and tidy home every day.
Anonymous says
My husband works 50-55+ hours every week and has his entire career, and is in the reserves. So he often goes 2 weeks without a day off. He still does the dishes after dinner every night and takes out the trash and helps me clean up from the kids. Because I’m working all day too. Until recently he did all the yard work too but we’ve hired that out.
Amy says
Other people below have really good perspective that I 100% agree with, but I’m going to take a little bit different approach here.
1) Clean up after dinner: 10-15 minutes
2) Roll trash cans out to curb: 2 minutes
For 12-17 minutes a day, is it worth having a fight? Is it really all that bad? I COMPLETELY get the idea of equity in marriage and not feeling like you have to do all the things, etc. I’m just trying to offer a different tool since you did ask about “how to get motivated.” Sometimes when I’m feeling super annoyed about having to do a household task, I’ll glance at the clock and see how long it’s actually taking. 4 minutes to load the dishwasher is literally meaningless when I’ll easily spend an hour scrolling Reels in bed at the end of the night.
/dons flameproof jacket
anon says
Without commenting on the larger questions of division of labor and outsourcing, I motivate myself to do chores I just don’t want to do a couple of ways.
– I make them as enjoyable for myself as possible. I find a podcast or audiobook I enjoy and put my earbuds in. I keep my beverage of choice by the sink while I do dishes.
– Sometimes, I also set smaller goals or time limits–I’ll do this for half an hour, or I’ll load the dishwasher but leave the big dishes. (Our dishwasher takes an absurdly long time, so not running it jams things up a lot more than leaving a couple of pots in the sink.)
– I plan to reduce my workload. If DH cooks and I wash dishes, dishes will take 45 minutes after dinner. If I know I have to cook and wash dishes, I plan a tray bake or something that involves fewer dishes in general and gives me time to wash up while it’s cooking, mostly on its own. Total time is still 45 minutes. (DH is a better cook than I am because I just cannot bring myself to care.)
– If I’m doing a job that is new to me, and especially if it’s stereotypically associated with men’s household tasks, I embrace the task as an exercise in learning and independence if I ever need it. I look up the thing on YouTube and muddle through and feel proud of myself afterwards.
Anon says
Dumb question: what on earth do you feed young toddlers for dinner?
Our 11 month old is usually exhausted after daycare so we get home at 5:30, give her a pouch and then go straight into the bedtime routine. I feel like all the instagrams I follow give examples of wonderful home made meals shared as a family which ain’t happening on week nights at our house.
Anonymous says
What do you eat? Give her some of that. My kids were eating bits of hamburgers and tomato and pickles if we had burgers & fries at that age. Salmon? Tacos? They can eat that stuff, just pick out what she likes. Meatballs. Fruit and veg pieces. Bits of cheese, bread/crackers, etc.
By the time I got to kid #3 it honestly felt like we were feeding the dog because she essentially got table scraps.
Anon says
+1 Give her leftovers from the night before. But other quick ideas are pasta, quesadilla, yogurt and fruit, toast with peanut butter, scrambled eggs, avocado (my baby really liked a mixture of avocado + hard boiled egg yolk + dab sour cream…sounds weird but healthy!), black beans…in any combination that you have.
But also, at that age we were not doing three consistent meals a day, so maybe her big meals are breakfast and lunch and you can add in dinner on the weekends. Breast milk/formula is a fine dinner.
Spirograph says
hahaha, this, especially about the table scraps. iirc, we cut up tiny pieces of our food and supplemented with a pouch, cheese, applesauce, those little mesh bags with fruit, etc. But OP, If you can’t make dinner before she loses her mind, your current tactic of pouch + get exhausted kid in bed as quickly as possible is perfect.
Anonymous says
Simply solution: stop following those unrealistic instagrams.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yep. Pouch is fine. An 11 month is not going to sit down for a 30 minute family dinner.
Anon says
Yup. My kid mostly ate pouches for dinner at that age. You can be more creative on the weekend.
NYCer says
Same. Plenty of 11 month olds are not eating elaborate meals…don’t sweat it!
Some other super easy options to tack onto the patch:
Shredded cheese
Yogurt (though this was always SO messy for my kids)
Frozen peas
Scrambled egg
Avocado
anon says
Yup. Love Feeding Littles. Helped me fix a lot of my own thinking, helped me introduce foods when DD was a baby and toddler. But it’s infeasible to survive Big Job x2, 50-60 work weeks, 4 year old palates and the whole “everyone eats the same meal” thing. Unfollowed FL when I realized it was creating far more stress than help.
Anon says
Leftover pasta or make a big batch on the weekend if kid will consistently eat it. Cheese, yogurt, pouch, Beans.
Basically at that age if it wasn’t a choking hazard and came in a bag or can that’s what my kid got served. I only served meat if we had some leftover.
Anonymous says
If someone has time to put all of that on instagram, they have plenty of time to make all of those homemade meals. We did a lot of avocado toast and deconstructed tacos at that age. +1 to whatever one else has said about table scraps. We’d eat after kid bedtime and prep things for the next night’s toddler dinner at the same time.
anon says
And honestly those types of IG posts make me realize I’d be a bad SAHM. They’re creative, intelligent women who don’t work outside the home and put their mental energy into… creating pretty baby meals. It makes me a little sad for them
Anon says
Yeah though some of those women make $$$ on Instagram for it so.
Anon says
Big Little Feelings have gotten rich AF off their Insta account.
anon says
Is there any (anec)data around this? I am just so curious for no particular reason. Feeding Littles, BLF, Kids Eat In Color, Taking Cara Babies… all of ’em!
Anon says
I haven’t seen real numbers sadly! But they talk about the number of courses they sell per year – when you factor that plus “partners”/sponsors it adds up really quickly.
The craziest one to me is Solid Starts who somehow manages to have a whole team she keeps employed despite being completely nutty.
anon says
And that’s great for them but I maintain that it simply cannot be intellectually fulfilling to make your living off of designing pretty baby meals, and I am glad that’s not my life.
Anon says
I think the thing is that they’re basically running a not-so-small business but try to make it look like they’re just your casual every-day mom so it’s part of how that whole industry is misleading.
Anon says
I think it was last year that BLF shared that they’d sold $10M in courses. I know they have expenses so it’s not $10M in their pockets but they also have other sources of income like sponsorship so yeah…they’re doing very very well.
HSAL says
It doesn’t make me sad at all – they’ve turned something they enjoy into a full-time (or at least heavy part-time) job. One of then (I think yummytoddlerfood?) recently mentioned she has care for her kids because she is working on creating meals.
GCA says
Pouches and whatever you’re eating are great! If baby bedtime is before you even get the chance to make dinner, that’s fine too – your wonderful homemade family mealtime can be breakfast, or on weekends. And definitely unfollow the unrealistic Instagrams.
Pogo says
Our dinner formula has always been: main, fruit, veggie, treat (usually dried fruit, but could be cookie or other actual dessert). The main can be your ‘real’ dinner – this worked during a golden time of my older child when he napped long enough that his bedtime was later and the routine was short and simple. Now both kids need an early bedtime and we can’t cook a full meal before their bedtime and after work, so they get a simple main: pasta, salmon, “breakfast for dinner”, grilled cheese, chicken nuggets, etc.
AIMS says
So 11 months is still young to worry about it, but between the ages of 1 and 3, we had a relatively simple routine of chicken soup and turkey meatballs that my kids ate for dinner. This meant I could cook everything once a week, make do with random leftovers the rest of the time and make a scrambled egg when that wasn’t possible. It was very easy but I felt and continue to feel very good bout it (vs. the way my kids eat now that they’re older, unfortunately). Bonus is both of these things can be cooked and frozen so you really don’t have to cook more than once a month.
Oh and we never had family dinner until my youngest was 2 and ky oldest was 4. They always went to bed at 630 as babies so family dinner with two working parents just wasn’t possible. I wouldn’t worry about that now.
Anonymous says
+1 to your last paragraph. The only reason we have family dinner (some nights) is that I’m almost full time WFH now and can throw something together during what would’ve been my evening commute that’s just about ready to eat when my kid gets home from daycare with DH at 5:15.
Anon says
Currently have a 14 month old, and we were in the same boat. At that age, DS was really exhausted and often didn’t want to eat dinner. (He still doesn’t some days, and the toddler instagrams I follow say it’s super common for young toddlers to be too tired for dinner.) To make sure he was still getting exposure to food, we made sure he had a good lunch at daycare. We also added breakfast at home around that age. I don’t remember what we started with, but lately, it has been various types of muffins that I can make in advance.
Right now, DS sporadically eats dinner. So I always plan to offer something, but I try to have it be either leftovers from dinner the night before for us or something that can go in his lunch tomorrow if he isn’t hungry for dinner. Recent hits include: pesto pasta, peanut butter pasta, homemade mac and cheese, english muffin pizzas, chicken nuggets, frozen Indian food, shredded chicken for tacos, and chicken schwarma. (We also offer fruit and veggies). Instagrams that I found helpful and more realistic are Yummy Toddler Food and Feeding Littles. Solid Starts is helpful for a lot of things, but yes, it will make you feel like you have to do an elaborate meal every night.
anon says
At that age we did exactly the same thing: get home from daycare, shove puree into the babies’ mouths, and put them in bed by 6:00 at the latest. My kids are now 5 and clearly not horribly messed up from not eating dinner as a family as a young toddler. Around 3 we were able to push bedtime to 6:30 and that’s when we started eating dinner together. Regardless of IG, family dinner doesn’t work for all families at all times. If you can aim for eating weekend breakfast (or some other meal) together, you’re doing great!
startup lawyer says
My son lived on Hello Yumi purees until like 14 months old when he stopped liking them. They are expensive but feel higher quality than supermarket stuff.
Boston Suburb says
No suggestions but I am so with you. I barely know what to feed myself for dinner most nights, let alone my toddler.
Cb says
I absolve you of all pouch guilt – bonus points if you put a piece of fruit and a broccoli tree on the tray. Give baby table food at the weekend.
Anon says
Thank you for this and all the other above responses. Not OP, just another pouch guilt ridden mom.
Emma says
Tips on picking a diaper bag or backpack? I want something gender neutral that dad will want to carry too. I’m not sure if I should just go with a regular backpack or get something with special diaper bag features (built in changing pad? Insulated pouch?) I plan to BF but who knows. We are city dwellers but have a car and will probably toss it under the stroller or in the trunk most of the time, but still want something reasonably light if we’re walking around.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We have a SkipHop backpack that we still use.
Anonymous says
Just buy the skip hop backpack like everyone else
Cb says
I had a skiphop pouch and a fjallraven backpack which is the norm in my city.
Anonymous says
+1 to the skiphop pouch and some kind of backpack. The pouch can be dropped into another bag if we’re trying to minimize the number of bags we’re bringing or we don’t want to carry a backpack for some reason.
Anonymous says
Perhaps controversial given your space issues as a city dweller, but can you just have two? This is what we do. Each suits our “aesthetic”- I prefer backpacks, he prefers messenger bag. And bonus – can keep one in the car, other in the house.
Emma says
That could work – we have a decent side entry closet. I’ll ask him what he prefers.
Emma says
Decent *size*, sorry
Anonymous says
I just ordered the Calpak fanny pack (Maxey Greene recommendation) and will let you know how it works as a (mini) diaper bag!
Aunt Jamesina says
I use a purse I already had since I hated all the diaper bag options I saw and felt like they were overpriced. If I’m going to spend $$ on a bag, I want it to be one I’d actually want to carry. We also have a backpack from IKEA that my husband uses. I have zero complaints and am glad I didn’t spend money on a “real” diaper bag. I got the Ubbi changing mat and a couple of reusable zipper pouches and really any decent-sized bag works. I EB FWIW.
Anon says
This is what we did too. No regrets.
Emma says
Thanks, all! I’m trying to register for stuff but not sure what we need yet. I like the idea of using something we already have, possibly with the SkipHop insert Cb mentioned, and we’ll see if we need anything else once the baby is here.
Anonymous says
For a less bulky insert option we just used an old receiving blanket as a changing pad. Throw that in the purse with some wipes, diapers, and a bottle and we were good to go.
Pogo says
We have a plain black Herschel backpack one. But you could just do as Cb says and use any backpack + the diaper clutch. It’s really nothing special, the many pockets and the bottle holders on the side are fairly common on any backpack.
Anon says
For kid one I had a cute diaper bag, for kid two I’ve been using a random grocery store cloth tote with the skip hop pouch and whatever else I need tossed in (blanket, my water and wallet, and baby hat usually).
Anonymous says
Will you be walking around WITHOUT a stroller? If not, weight is less of an issue. We’re city dwellers that rarely used a car and I preferred to have a bag ready to go with everything we might need in it to make it easier to get out of the house. We had the SkipHop clutch and liked that too, but also a big bag that my husband sewed (and that I therefore was contractually obligated to find perfect in every way). As our son got older, we eventually started using backpacks with the clutch and things like playground toys in it, but in general always having a bag ready to go was key to my ability to get out of the house. Some people also just leave stuff in their stroller, but we had to fold ours up every day at daycare.
Emm says
We might occasionally just carry the baby in a carrier or grab the car seat to visit my in-laws but will probably have the stroller most of the time. This is my first so I’m honestly not sure how it’s going to go!
Anon says
We have two. A Kate Spade tote diaper bag, and a backpack. I realize the tote sounds a little ridiculous… but it works great for restaurants. I feel a little more like a person than a mom, and it holds and endless amount of restaurant toys. We use the backpack for everything else as it has a refrigerated section and is a bit easier to carry if we are walking, etc.
DLC says
I just use my LL Bean backpack from college with a diaper roll inside, and space bags and a small lunchbox cooler if I want something more specific. My husband hates backpacks and he uses a messenger bag that he got fro REI. The diaper roll was the best item- I found that diaper changing pads that come with diaper bags are not very practical or easy to clean. My must haves are: exterior zipper pockets for keys and wallet, and a pocket for a water bottle for me, (though my Husband just uses a caribiner),
startup lawyer says
We use a patagonia backpack
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Similar question about home help. Right now, we have a grandparent temporarily staying with us which is a HUGE help, but eventually they will get their own place (near us). Between this grandparent, my parent, preschool/daycare, other family, and a backup babysitter, we have good options for childcare. We have a cleaning service that comes every 3-4 weeks.
Where I think we will likely need some help in the near future is a housekeeper/house manager – someone to handle our dog walks, daily clean up/wipe downs, not cooking but maybe chopping/prepping stuff, etc. I have the episode of Best of Both Worlds where they discuss this queued up – but has anyone done something like this? How often did this person come and how did you arrange it?
Anon says
i see lots of posts on our local facebook pages for people like this looking for housekeepers who are also willing to walk a dog. or some people split between housekeeper and dog walker. i know some people who have someone who comes for 4 hours a day, or they have someone every other day (doesn’t solve the dog problem).
Anon says
I wanted this. Then I dug into and realized the hours I wanted (Ideally 12-15 per week, but would have needed to offer 20-25 in our current market) and the current pricing (ranging from $25-$40 per hour, pre-tax) meant I would very quickly be in household employee territory, and since we don’t already have a nanny, that was extra headache (payroll, insurance) that as a lawyer would be necessary but not something I wanted to handle. If I already had a nanny and was familiar with the process, I might have considered. So I compromised with a new (weekly!) cleaning service that helps with laundry (folding plus they wash the sheets) and more organizing of stuff than my old cleaners (who just cleaned around messy things) and then we use hello fresh, more takeout and freezer meals to help with the foo aspects. It’s working passably well (at least well enough that I still don’t want to go down the household employee route).
Anonymous says
If you’re getting weekly cleaners, aren’t you paying enough to qualify them as household employees for tax purposes?
Anon says
Not if it’s a service.
Anonymous says
Not if they’re employees of the cleanign service, which is how I read this. Or if they’re independent contractors, which cleaners often qualify as (bring their own tools, etc.)
Anon says
No, because I use a company, not an individual. It is a family-owned local business, so definitely an independent contractor (and they provide sick leave, benefits, etc. to their employees in addition to handling the taxes, which I appreciate). I am so lucky to have found a business that was willing to be more bespoke on what I wanted done (like adding the laundry and organizing), but also doesn’t run the risk of household employee nonsense.
Anon says
If you hire Jane Smith to clean your house, she’s your household employee if she meets the dollar threshold. If you hire ABC Maid Service to clean your house, the people they send to clean your house are employees of ABC Maid Service, not employees of you. This is one reason why many people choose services over individuals because you don’t have to worry about payroll taxes and insurance and everything.
Pogo says
My housecleaner has an LLC.
Anonanonanon says
Yea I think this is most realistic when it is combined with an after school sitter or other role where you would be having to set up payroll anyway. We almost went this route- having someone do household manager-type stuff but be in the house when our older one got off the bus and it was a good way to be able to offer the number of hours people were looking for.
Anon says
In my state, it was ridiculously easy to set up a household employee. I think it sounds harder than it is. We did payroll on Homepay, bought an umbrella insurance policy, spent a few minutes to get an EIN, and drew up a quick contract. Taxes get a bit more complicated, but presumably you already outsource those if you can afford an employee. The biggest barrier is cost because you are paying the employee, the payroll service, and the insurance. But if cost is not an issue the administrative burden to get an employee set up is really not that difficult, it just sounds/seems daunting. The biggest time burden is managing the employment relationship and all that entails, but once you get a good person in place it is bliss.
Pogo says
+1 If you don’t care about cost, it took like 5minutes on Poppins Payroll.
Anon says
I listened to that and I don’t understand how someone needs a full time house keeper for the tasks she has them doing, especially when her kids are older. Esp because she doesn’t have her doing kid couriering. As a big law associate mom of one toddler, I could see getting the biggest boost at home by outsourcing laundry. I know her housekeeper is doing all the dinners but still. Maybe I’m just in denial that such a thing could be necessary.
DLC says
Rebecca Fike did a detailed post last week on her blog Lag Liv about her household manager. It was fascinating to me.
Anon says
She doesn’t use her full name (or even her first name IIRC?) on her blog. Kat might want to delete this since you just inadvertently doxxed her.
Anon says
Nevermind I googled and saw she did an interview using her full name on Laura’s podcast. I don’t follow Laura and was a longtime Lag Live reader so my eyes kind of popped out of my head seeing her full name here (I knew it, but didn’t think it was public). Sorry!
Anonymous says
Na, she started giving out real names on her blog a long time ago.
Anon says
I’ve found her recent posts fascinating mostly due to the emotional reaction it’s sparked in me – namely “what? Her life sounded so great and all this sounds terrible!” Which is 100% about me; I’m glad it’s all working for her. But I was like oh, I guess that is a good way to suss out what directions I want to take in my life.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Whenever I look in to her blog (not often) I’m always amazed by her productivity level. She’s like – doing, working, exercising, socializing, etc. ALL THE TIME. Again, great for her, but man I need dedicated time to lump on the couch with a romance novel and/or Selling Sunset and I’m not as nearly busy with 3 school-aged kids and teaching barre on top of two big jobs (being self-employed like her husband is no joke).
Anon says
Yeah and it totally makes sense that someone who has the energy for all that also has the energy to be happy as a Biglaw partner. But man, I do not!!!!
Anon says
Her energy level is astounding to me too. I have one preschooler and a low stress job and I’m tired all the time. I can’t even imagine living her life.
DLC says
“Lump on the couch with a romance novel” sounds amazing to me too!
I think, also, if I were a higher earner, I would also be able to outsource the things that exhaust me without being fulfilling. Like she mentions one of the things her household manager does is return Amazon packages and I thought that was brilliant and amazing.
Anonymous says
I’ve read her blog since her oldest was about 1 and treasure it. And I had the same reaction!!!!! Also seriously she is superhuman.
Anonymous says
One of my friends found a unicorn nanny who does light housekeeping (dishes/laundry) and meal prep and walks dogs while the kids are in PT preschool. So another option would be enrolling your kids in church preschool and then getting a nanny like this.
How are you doing? says
How is everyone doing these days?
I have little kids (not yet school aged) and I’m relieved to have a more consistent schedule and normalcy with daycare coverage the last few months. I also have been really loving being able to see people again (yes, I know the pandemic isn’t over.) But I also feel like the last couple of years and the current state of the world (politics, war, gun violence, etc) have left me feeling a little bit angry, worn thin, and like I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. Objectively, we are fortunate, but 2022 has been more draining than I expected.
How are y’all doing out there?
Anon says
Yeah my life is pretty normal, but I feel like I have PTSD from the last few years. Daycare did away with quarantines for exposure recently and we’re back to doing most of what we did pre-pandemic except indoor dining which is not a great loss. We still wear masks in public, but that’s not a big deal to any of us. We have seen a lot more of friends and family and traveled a lot more than we did last year, which has definitely been nice. But I just feel so burned out and exhausted. I have zero motivation to do anything at work.
Boston Legal Eagle says
2022 has definitely felt draining. There is so much terrible news out there if you go looking for it that I try to limit my consumption to just a few times a day. It’s not that I don’t care – I care deeply, but it overwhelms me and I need to focus on getting through my own very present challenges of working hard, keeping up with the house and taking care of two little kids whose needs keep changing as they get older.
My kids are 6 and 3.5. Older one is vaxxed and now boosted so I feel pretty good about his Covid risks. He’s had a tough transition to K but the last few months have been better as he’s matured a bit, and I think he will really enjoy summer camp this summer. My little one is so close to getting a vaccine so I can see at least somewhat of a finish line there. He’s very 3 at the moment – irrationally upset, whiny, adorably chatty, etc. He is continuing at the same daycare and with test and stay, luckily there haven’t been too many missed days.
We’re planning some plane trips at the end of this month and end of August. Domestic still. Husband and I do occasional indoor dining, although now with summer, we can do a lot more outdoors. We’re still mostly all masked when inside, but nothing is mandatory around here. We’re almost at the stage of just living with this now – I think I’ll feel better about that when my youngest has at least some vaccine.
Anon says
we were sick for almost the entire month of May. we spent 4/5 weekends at home, 2 for non-covid illnesses and then we got covid (and it hit us hard), so at least i can stop worrying about that temporarily. we still weren’t doing anything inside unmasked, but since we just had covid, we are now doing some indoor playdates. and it feels good to be socializing! i’m still a bit worried about getting sick bc my sister is about to have her first baby and we have a trip planned and i just don’t want our trip to get messed up. or to get sick while we are there. but like you, the state of the world and this country weighs heavily when i stop to think about it – between Ukraine, abortion rights in jeopardy (we unfortunately live in a red state), gun violence, etc. all of the mental gymnastics is just exhausting. or maybe i’m also exhausted bc DH is traveling this whole week for work, coming home for a night and going away again for two nights.
Cb says
I’m good – my travel schedule is reduced over the summer (from 3 days a week to 3 days a month) which is a huge relief, it’s just been nice to settle into family life. My husband’s getting some help for a persistent medical issue which feels like a positive step. And we have some fun trips over the summer – my parents’ in July, a beach trip. But I’m starting to get anxious about kiddo starting school (and we still don’t know if he has an aftercare spot) and finances and my heavy teaching and admin load for next year.
Anonanonanon says
Congrats on the reduced schedule, I’m sure that’s a welcome reprieve!
Cb says
Yes, it seems to work well, I’m in consistently Sunday PM-Wednesday PM during the teaching term, and then I have flexibility to be at home outside of that. I can be in work city when I need to be, but it doesn’t need to be on a super formal schedule.
Aunt Jamesina says
I’m working on focusing on the positive. Like many others, the past two years have been hard on my family, with a lot of people in both my husband’s and my extended family passing away, and a few more relatives with terminal illness. My lovely cousin who is my age (mid 30s) died very unexpectedly the other month and that was absolutely gutting. It’s hard, but I’m grateful our baby has been such a lovely bright spot. I think I need to back away from the news and the internet for a bit since it’s all so heavy and I find myself getting so angry. I think I’m going to take this next week off the internet entirely (wish me luck!).
I had a few career-defining projects in the months leading up to my maternity leave, including a very public project that was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever done careerwise, and I’m so proud of myself for doing a damn good job at it at a time when I felt both physically and emotionally depleted. I’ve been back from maternity leave for almost two months now and while it’s been tricky figuring out my new balance, work has actually been really good for me and I’m so grateful for a career I derive meaning from that isn’t (usually) too demanding. I have some time off this summer and am looking forward to puttering around the house and a trip to Cape Cod and Boston!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Nice, enjoy the Cape! We would be going again this year but are taking a trip to CA to visit family instead (and Disney!!) Where are you staying in Boston?
Anonanonanon says
Oooo I hope you both enjoy your respective trips!!
Aunt Jamesina says
I… don’t know, hah. My husband researched hotel options and booked it and I can’t find our reservation details. I *think* it’s near Boston Common. We’re staying at a condo near Hyannis Port after. Super out of character for me, since I’m usually the vacation planner!
Very grateful for the tip from many of you to always get a hotel room with either a balcony or separate room with a door you can close for naps/adult time!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Honestly, things in the world and a few things personally (specifically, waiting on referrals and trying to figure out what development help I can give my 17-month-old non-walker) are a weighing heavily on me. I’ve had to actively manage my anxiety, thank you therapy and SSRIs.
What has helped is that we’re pretty much back to pre-pandemic norms, with the exception that we mask up when needed indoors (e.g. running errands, on planes, etc). I actually don’t mask up at my kids drop-off/pick-up anymore, and haven’t been masking before we get in the pool for swim class.
We see friends/family, eat indoors (subtropical climate, so this is peak indoor time during most daylight hours), etc. I go to the office 1-2x/week and we’re largely unmasked unless in clinical settings, where it’s 100% masking. My kids are <5, so no vaxxes yet but at this point in the pandemic and the realities for where we live (blue city/red state), for our own mental health, we had to relax a lot of our cautions.
Anonanonanon says
I don’t even know.
We were both responding to the pandemic and I’m struggling with adjusting back to “normal.” It’s like the past two years is all catching up now that I have time to process. I’m having trouble starting anything new at work or giving a sh** about anything because it feels like what’s the point? Some other catastrophe is going to happen so why not just wait for that? I feel distanced from my husband who can just accept things, stuff them down, and move on. In contrast, I feel the need to discuss and process THE FACT WE JUST LIVED THROUGH A GD PANDEMIC and that I casually wash pandemic masks for my children in the laundry. I just need him to take a step back and realize that if someone had told us this in 2019 we would have been like omg that’s horrible. I don’t know which approach is more healthy.
I worry that we’re like frogs slowly boiling in water. I remember being a dumb kid and thinking “why didn’t all of those people get out of Germany before WWII?” and at what point are people going to look back and say the same about us? Our country is on its way to becoming a theocracy controlled by the opinions of the minority.
My job used to be really tied to my identity and for the first time in my life, I just don’t care. If we could afford it, I would quit tomorrow and take a few months off. I never thought I’d feel that way.
Maybe it’s the nature of my work, but more and more people I know are going solar, getting animals, prepping food storage, etc. It’s more sustainable so I don’t think it’s a bad thing, but I think it speaks to whatever collective bad feeling we all have.
Aunt Jamesina says
Right there with you on so much of this. Definitely feel like a frog in boiling water.
Anon says
Yep definitely feel like a frog in boiling water. My husband’s grandparents are Holocaust survivors (my FIL was born in a displaced persons camp after the war) and part of me definitely thinks we should be actively trying to get out of the country now.
Anon says
thank you to you and your husband for your hard work on the pandemic
Anonymous says
I feel like the boiling frog too. We could actually leave the country, although it would be difficult and would result in a much lower standard of living. Every time a big headline hits we say “maybe we should go now” and then we don’t. But we aren’t investing in our life here either, so here we are stuck in a crummy little house while our chance to buy a better place slips away as interest rates and prices rise. Meanwhile, I am just slogging away in a job I hate but don’t have the energy to step it up and make a change.
Anonanonanon says
This is where we are. We have passed several milestones, including “OK if (you know who) actively tries to overturn the results of the election we have to get out” and then… we didn’t. We bought a new house with a mortgage 3x our old one. We have more room/land to be prepared I guess, but I took a lot of comfort from the financial freedom of our old house because I knew we’d be able to just pack up a van and go and have money to settle somewhere new and be OK. Now we’d truly be starting from scratch somewhere else.
Anonanonanon says
Thank you all, it really does help to know it’s a normal feeling (I’ve been secretly concerned I’m losing it for feeling that way and wondering if I should seek help or something, but it also doesn’t seem like an unreasonable feeling)
Anonymous says
We’re researching alternative citizenships but I have no idea how to pivot a legal career into pretty much anything else. Unfortunately we don’t have enough to retire, and won’t for a couple of decades. I do know a couple who emigrated from the US to Germany not long after the 2016 election (one was a EU citizen and spoke German), and they are very happy there.
anon says
I feel worn out and anxious, but I’m functioning. I’m basically just roommates with my baby’s father at this point, and while we get on fine and are good at coparenting, the whole situation makes me sad when I look at the years ahead (is this how it’s going to be?). I’m also feeling down about shouldering so much of the financial and organizational burden of the household. I just feel downtrodden. Work is stressful. But the baby is a bright spot of joy and I can’t get enough of his smiles and giggles. We’re still pretty COVID-cautious and don’t do indoor dining, but we sometimes do an outdoor happy hour. Otherwise we mask in all indoor settings and on public transit, and aren’t really inviting people into our house at this point since COVID is rampant here and baby is unvaxxed. Once baby is vaxxed maybe we can ease up a bit.
As for the state of the country, I’ve gone into total avoidance mode. I can’t even read the news any more – it just makes me so anxious and sad. The Texas shooting was the tipping point.
Cb says
How old is the baby? I felt this way from about 9 months – 18 months, and then a combination of stopping nursing, some serious talks with my husband and anti-anxiety meds to treat undiagnosed PPA, I began to feel better and more connected with my partner. I’m not saying that to minimise what you are feeling but things don’t have to be terrible forever.
anon says
Baby is 11 months (and I’m still nursing). I’m pretty sure I have PPA but since I’m functioning OK I’m just plodding along and not doing anything about it. I know that’s not the right approach, but I don’t have the energy to start addressing it right now.
Aunt Jamesina says
Oh man, I’m so sorry. I’ve totally been there with mental health issues making it feel absolutely impossible to do anything to lift myself out of it. Any chance your husband can get something scheduled for you? When I went through the worst of my anxiety and depression, I had such a mental block on calling the doctor’s office and admitting I needed help. My husband made the phone call and accompanied me to the appointment and while it wasn’t objectively hard work, it was mentally hard and exactly the support I needed.
Anon says
Exact same. Physically and emotionally worn the f out.
Works hard. Raising a toddler is hard. The world is a giant mess.
Anon for this says
I’m still suffering the aftermath/continuation of COVID-related stress (not from COVID itself, but the worrying about protective measures). Yes, I’m in therapy and I’m working through it. My body though has been in a flight/fight response for 2+ years, and unfortunately, you can’t just flip a switch and turn it off. I’ve still got 2 kids that aren’t vaccinated and I’m run down and tired and burnt out. I live in DC, so there’s not much I can do from a legislative perspective. I model green practices for my kids, give money/time to causes when I can, but still feel like it’s not enough.
Anon says
I’m immune compromised and things are worse than they have ever been for us. I want to wake up one day thinking tomorrow could be better than today, but for years the opposite has been true and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. The thing that gives me hope is that more people than ever are starting to see how f***** things really are at a society level, and I think that has to be the foundation for something good.
Anon says
Starting to recover, slowly. We are still very covid cautious because I am immunosuppressed, but nicer weather means less complaints from the peanut gallery about outdoor dining, more outdoor social events and so we are back to regular restaurant eating and seeing more people again which is the light at the end of the long winter tunnel. I have a number of mini-vacations to visit my parents (where they entertain my kid and I read books, get in workouts, hang out by the pool, and be the fun one to play with my kid) this summer before our big beach vacation at the end of summer with broader extended family. Kid will stay with my parents for a few weeks, so DH and I can get a break from the daily childcare grind and sneak in some date nights. My automimmune condition has stabilized, and I am almost healed from an injury in the fall. My husband’s health issues are still a huge mountain to climb, but at least I am feeling mostly back to myself and he is improving, which is progress after a very, very dark winter. When kiddo is here, she is scheduled with camps every other week, which feels like the right balance of relaxing at home with DH and still staying engaged and active.
I know I am feeling better as I have started to tackle some decluttering projects around the house (my mission for the next 12 months – we are borderline hoarders after 2.5 years of no indoor entertaining forcing regular clean-up and organizing missions). Kiddo will either be vaccinated in the next month or two or by August (when she turns 5) which is one less factor to worry about. Work is picking up after a boring slow period, so I am also feeling more engaged on that front.
Hopeful and healing is the best description I have for where I am at right now.
Anon says
“I have a number of mini-vacations to visit my parents (where they entertain my kid and I read books, get in workouts, hang out by the pool, and be the fun one to play with my kid)” This sounds so lovely :) Glad you’re healing and yay for better weather and getting to do more things safely outside!
Pogo says
Day to day is better, because back to our ‘normal’ routine helps me a lot. Getting dressed, going to the office. Still feel my heart drop when I see an email about someone testing positive in my kid’s class even though we are on test & stay now. Depressed about the state of the world. I found out recently that the state a majority of my colleagues live in has a trigger law for Roe, which I didn’t realize (I don’t see it as a typical ‘red’ state) and which made me sad and scared for them.
I do enjoy work and have some great coworkers, which helps a lot. My youngest is getting more verbal and it seems like every day he has a new word, it’s really cute.
Anon says
Brutal honesty time — does anyone really and truly have a kid who is not a picky eater (over the age of 3), and if yes, did you do a lot of the “take one bite” and coaxing to eat stuff with them as toddlers?
I’ll answer below.
Spirograph says
My youngest is truly not picky. He’s 5.5 and a budding chef. He has always been happy to try All The Foods, including flavors from all over the world, and likes almost all of it. I marvel all the time that I had no idea what South or East Asian food even *was* at his age, and he requests Indian takeout. One of my other kids is very picking, one has opinions but eats most things. I’m pretty sure we parented them mostly the same, so this is yet one more thing I chalk up to nature rather than nurture.
GCA says
Content warning here for anyone with picky eaters – much the same way I appreciate content warnings for sleep discussions (I have high-energy low-sleep-needs kids who don’t sleep through the night till age 2…or worse.)
My first (now 7) is an uncommonly adventurous eater. Has a favorite salad recipe that he made up (it’s a broccoli slaw). Age 3, once polished off an appetizer of octopus with black bean aioli and asked for seconds. Enjoyed durian the one time he tried it (age 4.5). Wrote ‘all of it’ in response to ‘favourite food?’ in a school questionnaire I saw the other day. This is due to LITERALLY NOTHING we have ever done. No ‘take one bite’ and coaxing (if we said ‘take one bite’ to him as a toddler that was more to do with the amount of food he was eating, rather than the variety). We cook and serve a reasonably wide range of food, I guess? But also a reasonable amount of pizza and takeout?
In contrast: Second kid, almost-4. Normal degree of picky. Won’t eat greens. Likes fruit, proteins and beige foods.
At this age, I think it’s 100% nature vs nurture. If you are trying to develop less-picky eaters, probably the only thing you can do is repeat exposure and knowing it’s a very long game. And I recognize there is privilege and tradeoff between said exposure, vs money and time spent buying or cooking something they don’t eat.
Meg says
I have older kids…a 13 year old who has always been a really good eater (which doesn’t mean he likes everything), and. 10 year old who had a distinct “white food phase” that he has grown out of. We basically served them what we ate, but generally deconstructed so the parts they didn’t like could be left out. We do require veggies get eaten regardless of if they like them. For new meals they tried and genuinely didn’t like, we allow very simple subs like banana or quesadillas. I never cooked 2 meals, ever. We are now at the point where when we go out they will try new things. They don’t always love it, but we are teaching them that’s ok (and they can have the banana at home if that is the case). And now deconstruct almost nothing at home (other than tacos, because, tacos)
So Anon says
I have two kids who are 8 and 11. My 11 year old was a truly picky eater from about 2-7 years old. His pickiness coincided with a diagnosis at 5 of Crohn’s disease. I truly believe that eating was painful but all he had ever known, so he could not articulate the pain. I tried all the coaxing and hiding veggies and calories in his food. About 6 months before his Crohn’s diagnosis, he and I started seeing a registered dietitian who specializes in picky kids (and was also a working mom). I truly think that it was her targeted help plus bringing the Crohn’s into remission that helped. Now, my 11 year old is not picky at all, but it had zero to do with coaxing bites. I changed my approach to eating so that I decide what goes on the plate and they decide what to eat, but there is always something on the plate that I know that they like. My 8 year old, however, can be picky. The 8 year old eats a decent variety and is growing well. After my experience with my son’s Crohn’s, as long as they are eating some variety, growing (height and weight), and I’m not a short order cook all of the time, I call it good.
Also, a PSA: The statement that kids will not starve themselves and will eat when hungry is not true for every child. A child with an underlying illness like Crohn’s or who is neurodivergent may not eat when hungry.
Anon says
Helpful thanks, and good for you for sussing out and navigating the underlying health issue. You are a great mom for figuring out when your kiddo didn’t have the right words yet. My kids do not appear to have any health issues, nor are they extremely picky, just somewhat picky (older kids are 7 and 9). “coaxing” to eat is a better way to put it — I just didn’t have the energy to coax my kids to eat as toddlers, and I’m wondering if I should do more coaxing with my 3 year old. She’s always been a pretty adventurous eater, but we are starting to get into a picky phase, and I’m wondering if I should approach this kid differently than I did with my older ones.
Anonymous says
+ 1 million to your PSA. This also holds true for kids with sensory issues. Also, refusal to eat can mess with their appetite signals so they don’t feel hungry.
Anon says
I think your PSA also holds true for some neurotypical kids who are just extremely stubborn. In our case it was more about potty training than picky eating, but we landed in urgent care for IV fluids during potty training because my kid figured out the drinking –> peeing connection and refused to drink when she didn’t have a diaper to go in. I can definitely see her starving herself if we deprived her of all the foods she likes.
Anon says
Helpful, thanks! (I’m the OP)
I had a very stubborn oldest kid and found that asking her to take a bite of everything as a toddler made meals a total power struggle. I also hated spending so much of what little time I had with her a constant negotiation. So, I made a decision a while back that I didn’t want to argue my way through years of meals, and I decided I would serve just one dinner that can be deconstructed (typically a various rotation of a protein, a vegetable, and a grain). Kids are welcome to eat what they want/leave the rest, and they have the option of a PB sandwich right before bed if they are still hungry. The only rule is that you can’t argue with me about what is served. Now, the kids will generally eat one component of the meal, but not all 3. I’m wondering if I’ve done a disservice to them by not forcing them to try the “one bite” etc. over the years? I have a lot of friends who were more consistent with requiring their kids to try everything on their plate, and their kids do seem less picky now that they are older.
It’s helpful to hear, though, that some kids are just adventurous eaters without a lot of reinforcement from parents.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Anecdotally, I don’t think I ever had much salad or fancy veggies until I was in college. My meals growing up consisted of a lot of macaroni with hot dogs, mashed potatoes and chicken, pizza, etc. So mostly all home cooked, but simple and there wasn’t always a side salad or required veg. I would consider myself to be a pretty healthy person overall now and eat a variety of foods. And I pay $15 for a sweetgreen salad weekly! My kids are average to more picky probably, although the older one is trying a bit more, so I think a lot of it is just age and time.
Anon says
You did perfectly. Feeding children is a long game, and the “just one bite” thing can feel manipulative/controlling. We don’t do it with our kids, either, and I’d say they go through stages but are pretty good compared to real picky eaters…2-5 seems prime time for pickiness, and my current 4-year-old doesn’t really eat vegetables or meat, but he eats shrimp and other unexpected things. Your approach to cook one dinner and deconstruct for kids is spot-on. Just seeing the food on the table “counts” as exposure!
anon says
I mostly did the “one bite” thing with my now older elementary age kids, but framed it more like, “you don’t have to like it, but you should try it to decide for yourself.” That way, it’s more of an empowerment for their own taste rather than a draconian order. If they tried spinach yesterday, I wouldn’t make them “try” it again until after a significant period of time has passed, when we’d give it “another try.” One of my kids is naturally pickier than the other, but we don’t have power struggles over food. But even though my kids went through picky phases, they never outright lost their ish over having to try something, which I think is likely just lucky for us.
Anon says
Daniel Tiger has an episode about that – the song is “you got to try new foods because they might taste good!” I thought it was a pretty good way to approach it.
My tendency with my toddler is to spear whatever she hasn’t eaten on her fork and offer it to her with “oh hey, try the chicken.” If she doesn’t want to, fine. But usually she does and decides whether she likes it.
Anon says
Thanks all for the votes of confidence to the responses above, and I really like that approach anon. I can see how my older kids are ready to be encouraged to expand their palates, while taking the pressure off feeling like I need to “fix” anything now with my 3 year old.
GCA says
I think you’ve been doing absolutely the right thing for your family! Putting the one, deconstructable dinner on the table *is* exposure, done in a way that makes your family dynamic more pleasant (fewer power struggles with oldest). I don’t know how old all your kids are now, but if there aren’t sensory or other issues, it seems likely they will expand their palates with age.
Aunt Jamesina says
My baby is turning six months old soon, so I’m reading this with interest. For anyone struggling with a picky eater, I was a textbook ultra picky eater through middle school, then a pretty unadventurous one up until college. I now eat almost everything aside from ketchup and black licorice. I think so much of it is nature and development, and aside from offering opportunities and healthy options, I’m hoping to go with the flow with our kid. It’s a (very) long game.
Anon says
Same story here, and my dad who was forced to eat vegetables as a child is the only adult I know who doesn’t eat *anything* green. We’re pretty laid back with our very picky kid as a result of my own experiences. We encourage her to try new things and we don’t make separate hot meals for her, but she has a long list of ready-made or easy to prep foods that she can eat at dinner and she usually sticks to those food.
Anon says
Same. My mom still has stories about how her mom and a babysitter made her eat certain vegetables and fruits when she was younger and refuses to eat them. She is the pickiest eater I know as an adult.
Meanwhile, my brother, who pretty much only ate meat, specifically hot dogs and chicken fingers for most of his childhood, is now a super adventurous eater and regularly tells us about new foods he has “discovered” as an adult.
Anon says
Both of my kids – 7 and 9 – are very adventurous eaters (one says calamari “with legs” is their favorite food, the other says avocado toast with salmon). But I don’t think it’s much to do with anything we’ve done.
I solo parent most nights and refuse to make more than one meal, so we do all eat the same meal, and try to sit down to eat together most nights. I do encourage the kids to try one bite of foods to see if they like it, or still don’t like it. But the kids have been adventurous from very early on (one grabbed a bite of doro wat at 11 months and loved it) even before we did any of this consciously, and I suspect much of the success of our approach is BECAUSE they’re adventurous, not the other way around.
GCA says
“I suspect much of the success of our approach is BECAUSE they’re adventurous, not the other way around” – I think you are spot on here. (The doro wat story reminds me of the time kid 1 grabbed my bagel with cream cheese around 8mo and took a bite out of it, and I was like – uh, I guess we’re doing dairy exposure now!)
Anon says
I’m the OP, and all my toddlers were adventurous eaters. We never did baby food – we just gave all our kids what we ate. My youngest’s first food was super spicy Indian food that she ate bc she was sitting on my lap while I was eating it and not paying attention to her trying what was on my plate. Then, it was like the door closed for all of them around 2.5. I maybe see it opening with my oldest who appears to be re-discovering the seafood she happily ate as a baby? Maybe it’s why I have guilt/worry that I should have been forcing the issue more – the shift felt so significant. But I’m so happy to hear all of the ancedotal stories.
Anon says
I think it’s normal for the door to close around 2. My daughter ate Indian food as a toddler (nothing crazy spicy, but we’d go to a buffet and could find at least 2-3 non-bread things she’d happily eat) and as a 4 year old is very much in the beige food only stage.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Agree, totally normal for a shift around age 2 until early elementary or so. My younger kid ate so much more as a baby and young toddler than he does now at 3.5. Someone here once said it has to do with a survival mechanism – i.e. non beige foods could be poisonous.
anonymous says
I don’t consider my kids picky eaters, though they don’t like things that are very spicy or acidic. We did absolutely nothing to create this, though, so I think it’s almost all nature/personality. As babies we feed them mostly pre-made purees, rather than doing BLW. As young toddlers we sometime fed them the same things we were eating, but it was also a lot of meatballs, pasta, beans, cheese, etc, aka easy things we could give them before an early bedtime.
Around 4 or 5 we did start getting declarations of “but I don’t LIKE that”, generally before the kid tried it. Depending on the day, we’d either offer to fly a bite into their mouth like when they were babies (because once they eat one bite they’ll realize we’re not actually trying to poison them) or just tell them this is dinner and they can wait until morning if they don’t want it. Almost always they’ll eventually eat, but this is totally model of kid dependent.
Anonymous says
My oldest, now 9, is a fantastic and adventurous eater. My middle is selective and was very picky as a toddler. My youngest, 4, is not picky but does prefer kid food.
startup lawyer says
I think it’s pretty personality driven too. My kid is moderately picky but the more i pressure him the less he’ll eat something but if i have greens on the table every night, out of the blue he’ll request it like…once a month. so that’s what we do (most of the time). i’d be lying if i said i never pressure him, sometimes i get frustrated if he won’t eat a thing i know he likes and i’ll tell him to eat it. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t
anon says
To add to the confusion, I have an 8 yo kid who is painfully picky, but in a completely odd way. Her favorite foods are sashimi, muscles, strong blue cheeses, and caviar. She’ll demolish a bowl of pho, loves mexican street tacos, and likes many curries and asian noodle dishes. Her favorite condiment is Branston Pickle.
She refuses to eat pizza, chicken fingers, cheeseburgers, or any potato product (including french fries). Almost any normal “American” food is refused. This kid can walk away from Thansgiving dinner still hungry.
We’re better off going out to an Ethiopian restaurant than a burger joint. How did we get here? I have no idea.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Me and your daughter have some common ground. As a non-White American I will say most traditional Thanksgiving dinner tends to be bland (Turkey – and yes I’ve had it fried which is an exception but barely), mushy and/or overly sweet (marshmallows and candied nuts on sweet potatoes?) unless prepared by people who know how to season and have good basic home cooking skills.
Thanksgiving desserts, I will keep. Except for pumpkin pie.
I said what I said!
Anonymous says
I have a similar kid. I joke that her picky eating is very expensive. She loves sushi, Indian food, Szechuan food, Thai food, Mexican food, etc. etc. She will only eat cheese that has been aged a minimum of 12 months. Will not eat any fast food, hamburgers, pizza with red sauce or from a chain delivery place, potatoes, or other typical kid things.
Anon says
I was this kid and still have similar tastes in food. To make things worse for my mom, my brother would only eat typical “kid” foods, so we were always arguing about where to eat and could never agree.
Anonymous says
My kid went through a mussels and oysters phase as a 4 year old. It was very expensive, but being in the street with a 4 year old throwing a tantrum while pointing at the semi-expensive restaurant and yelling that she wanted to go to Oyster Thursday was actually legitimately funny.
Me says
I have two fantastic eaters and one (my third) who is terrible. We did not really coax one bite – generally encouraged them to try stuff but no requirements or anything. We just encouraged enthusiasm about food and modeled eating different things ourselves. They both always ate off our plates too, which helped expose them to new foods as well. Both my oldest will try anything, and they tend to like a lot.
We did the exact same thing with my third. She is super picky and will declare she doesn’t like dinner just by glancing at the (innocuous) plate. I’m convinced it’s genetic. I don’t know that I can take credit for my older two (although their willingness to eat salad, raw oysters, etc is a great party trick!) and I also don’t blame myself for my youngest!
Anon says
My toddler wakes up at 5:30 with regularity. Some days it’s 6:30. Since he is unlikely to change, I need tips on how to make myself a morning person. (Other than go to sleep early). I am a grumpy terrible human being at 5:30 but much more amicable if I wake up at 7am. Please help!
Cb says
KJ Del Antonia’s book How to Be a Happier Parent had a chapter on mornings and how she changed her perspective from grumpy to chipper (but some of it was going to bed earlier)
GCA says
Are you in the Northern Hemisphere? i’m organically less-grumpy if I’m woken at 5.30 in summer vs in winter. Light exposure, exercise, and coffee are it for me…so much coffee. When my first was little and woke up at 5am all summer long, I would hand him a pouch, toss him in the stroller and run the local bike path with him. But also, coffee.
Cb says
We have an IKEA smart light that goes on 15 minutes before the alarm, and that definitely helps me wake up a bit more gently.
Anon says
+2. Set the auto timer on your coffee machine, and get a sunlamp that comes on about 15 min before he tends to wake up.
Anonymous says
+3 for the timer on the coffee machine. That is the only way I can get out of bed. Even having to use a pod machine to make a cup of coffee would be too much for me first thing in the morning.
NYCer says
Not helpful given your caveat, but the biggest help for me is going to bed earlier. I can function well with 7 hours of sleep, so if I need/want to be up at 5:15, I would need to be in bed at 10 pm. (This is basically my schedule FWIW.)
Pogo says
Yeah.. same. My meetings also skew early so there’s no way I can sleep past 6, and if my kids sleep past 6:30 we’ll all be late. We head up to bed around 9:15, so I have time for my full skincare routine (lol), plus reading, chatting, etc.
Anon says
I’ve heard of people using Ok to Wake Clocks as young as age 1. It was a godsend when our then-3.5 year old started sporadically waking up before 5 am last fall. You may be able use the clock to gradually push back the wake-up time, but even without moving the regular wake time, the clock helps so much with consistency. It was the inconsistency that was so hard for me. I can’t go to bed at 8:30 pm every night on the off chance my kid is going to wake at 5, but if I go to bed at 11 pm the 5 am wakeups just kill me.
Anon says
Three things – (1) Okay to Wake clock helps but doesn’t fix it, (2) auto on coffee maker, and (3) most crucially, I liberally use TV in the morning. I am not a good parent before 7, and I just lean into it. My kids get almost a full hour between 6 and 7 while I sip coffee, or after age 2.5, I stay in bed. No regrets, as I’m a much better parent when I have sleep.
Amy says
Not eating within 3-4 hours of bedtime has really helped me fall asleep more easily by 9-10 pm and stay asleep.
NLD in NYC says
I have a Hatch light. While does help DS (~2.5 years) sleep until 6-ish, I think the main benefit is that he’s calmer until the light goes off at 6:30. I also leave a picture book in his crib for him to “read” until we come get him.
Anon says
For those of you that downsized their careers or changed jobs when you had kids– what was the thing that made you make that decision and how old were your kids?
Anon says
I did right before I had a baby. The timing was because of a move for my husband’s job but I knew there was no way I wanted to work more than 40 hours or have a high stress job when I had a young child. No regrets.
Anon says
I downsized when my oldest was about one year. I did it for a few reasons — I had paid off my law degree, my husband’s work was ramping up, my baby wasn’t adjusting well to daycare, but primarily, I recall looking around and thinking that I didn’t want the “best case scenario” life of working in a big law firm. I actually recall the moment of truth really clearly – the most successful partner in my office was standing outside my office talking about she had made it to her daughter’s last basketball game of the season, and all these other partners were cheering on that she made it to the game.
I just remember thinking — if her life and career was the “goal” (an impressive book of business, lots of speaking engagement, practice head), I didn’t want a life that was so focused on one thing to the exclusion of any other activities. Even before kids, I felt like big law expanded to fill up all the areas of my life so that I lost so much of the other things I loved to do (camp, hike, travel, exercise). My first kid was an excuse to downshift, but honestly, I would have probably left anyway. I always say that I didn’t leave because I missed my kid or felt guilty about how much I worked, I left because I missed *me.* I just didn’t have time or energy to pursue other activities I loved and wanted to do with the people I loved (my husband and kid(s).
I’ve had a career that’s had twists and turns and ups and downs and probably doesn’t look super successful by many objective measures, but I’ve never regretted veering off a very prestigious path. I’m thankful that I’ve had the opportunity to do all the things I have loved doing throughout my career (recognizing how privileged I am to be in this position).
Anonymous says
I got laid off when pregnant with my second. Went into consulting. Work 15-30 hours/week and make 80% of what I used to.
Best thing that ever happened. We have 3 but if I was still working that grind of a job we probably never would have gone for the third kid.
So Anon says
I’ve made two job changes after having kids. I had my first while a litigation associate in biglaw. My pregnancy was negatively impacted by the constant stress and lack of sleep that I had while pregnant. I remember turning a brief around at 2am while 7 months pregnant. I missed a few typos and an “appropriate transitions to quoting a case.” At my next annual review (before I went out on leave), the typos and the transition were raised in order to question whether I was truly committed to my job. The implication was that if I was truly committed, I would have stayed up even later to make sure there were no typos. After I came back from leave, I was not given client billable work and then reprimanded for not making hours. I left that job when my oldest was 18 months. I returned to a federal clerkship and was paid less than half of what I earned in biglaw, and spent three years clerking for a judge that I adore. I had my youngest while clerking. I left clerking because I timed out of that system (you can only term clerk for 4-5 years). I went in house after my clerkship when my kids were 18 months and 3. I’ve been in house for 6 years and love it (most days). My hours can be long, but I can flex when and where I work. Also, when the hours are long, I have insight into why and can say no when there is not a true need for me to work.
Anon says
I have been thinking about downshifting for the first time lately and my kids are 6 and 4. For some reason I feel much guiltier about working so much than I did when they were younger, I think because now that they’re in school I’m more aware of their peer group and how much they miss out on because I’m working all the time. Unfortunately I’m a lawyer and I can’t seem to find a down shifted job. Accepting ideas though!
Anon says
I also think it’s harder when kids are older and have more personality? I actually liked the baby stage way more than I thought I would but my baby was the same at noon as she was at 7 pm so I didn’t feel like I was missing out by not being with her all the time. Now my kid is 4 and saying hilarious, adorable things all the time and I feel like I’m missing out whenever I’m not around her. I’d still want her to go to school because she loves it and it’s so important for social and emotional development, but my ideal schedule would be kid in 9-3 school and with me the rest of the time which I definitely did not feel when I had a baby or toddler.
Anon says
I changed once pre-kids. Both my DH and I were in consulting and traveled S-Th every week, so were rarely home at the same time. We both moved into corporate roles so we’d have a chance to be together more often.
Then after my second, I decided to downshift – I took a role with a larger company but at a lower title and was explicit about work-life boundaries. I will say he had a more generous paternity policy, and I had rough recoveries, so he was primary parent for the first ~3 months of each kid’s life.
Now that both kids are in elementary school, we’re switching. I stepped back up into my prior title (at higher pay!) and my DH has moved to a larger company but lower title. He’s still one title above me but made sure flexibility was a key component of the new job, as he coaches both kids and is active in our local government. The plan is for him to camp out there until I match him again, and then we’ll reassess based on family and kids needs.
Honestly even though it worked out for us, I wouldn’t advise women to take a step back based on a future promise that the guy will do so in the future. If I could go back, I’d tell my younger self to make him step back first.
Anon says
I went to an 80% schedule right before I got pregnant with my oldest (we’d been TTC for 6+ months unsuccessfully at that point). It was precipitated by a move for my husband’s job, which gave me an insanely long commute, but even after we moved back closer to the office (pre-Covid, clearly), I kept my schedule.
I now have a 4 year old and a 2 year old and I hope to never consistently work 40+ hours/week as long as my kids are still in the house.
Anon says
I had to work 10 hours on my first mother’s day. DS was 4 months old. I was in litigation, and fielded work e-mails and calls all day long.
Started looking for something new the next day.
anon says
my stories similar to another posters. i was seven months pregnant at work in big law and got called out on my proofreading at 3 am in a partners office. i also got gestational diabetes that pregnancy which my ob (and DH) blamed on lack of sleep. As soon as I got back from maternity leaving I started looking to leave. Moved in house and haven’t looked back. Work is much less interesting and I took a huge pay cut, but my job before was straight up unhealthy at times.
Anon says
Has anyone had a kid with a tongue thrust swallow?
The background is that we took our 4 year old to occupational therapy for issues unrelated to eating, but since she’s a pretty picky eater we also discussed that and they suggested doing some feeding therapy as part of it. They were pretty confident her eating issues were sensory, which made sense because she had other issues that seemed maybe sensory-related like hating to get wet. That was several months ago. The other issues (including the water stuff) have basically completely resolved and the picky eating does seem to be gradually improving, although she’s still pickier than average for her age. We have a few more appointments scheduled through the summer but the plan was that we’d be done after that. Today they told me that she has a tongue thrust swallow and that’s likely the cause of all her food issues and she needs to continue regular OT to work on that. I have to admit I’m kind of skeptical. The timing seems suspicious with us getting ready to wrap things up (why didn’t they notice this earlier – they’ve been watching her eat for months?) and what happened to the alleged sensory issues? They also said she’s likely had this issue since birth, which doesn’t track since she ate a much wider variety of foods as a baby and young toddler, as is fairly common. But I don’t want to ignore a real issue. We’re seeing her dentist at the end of the month and I plan to ask them about it then, but curious if anyone here has any experience with this. She is a finger sucker (at this point, only while falling asleep and calming herself down from tantrums) and has an over bite which the dentist wasn’t concerned about at the last visit.
Anonymous says
Huh, I was a very picky eater and had a tongue thrust. I’m not sure I’m referring to the same thing as what you are talking about–my tongue would hit the back of my top teeth when I swallowed rather than staying near the roof of my mouth–but in my case it was blamed for my terrible buck teeth and was corrected with a retainer in 1st or 2nd grade. (I had a number of other orthodontic issues and can’t keep it all straight). But I remained a picky eater and at age 45 have never learned to like the taste of alcohol or coffee and still don’t like a lot of meat or seafood. I think I’m extremely sensitive to bitter tastes and also have some texture issues. I’m a million times better than how I was as a child, but I’m not adventurous by any means.
How would OT stop you from thrusting your tongue when swallowing anyway?
Anonymous says
PS – I still had headgear for the buckteeth/overbite. That was also partially blamed on me sucking my thumb, but I stopped that the day the dentist told me to when I was 4 or 5 and still had the issue.
OP says
I think there are exercises and things they can do to try to change it. Today the OT was trying to show my kid how to move her tongue while chewing (using herself as a model). But my kid was getting stressed out by it and I don’t want to do anything that turns food or mealtime into a stressful experience, especially when it seems like she’s gradually becoming more open to trying new foods and not getting as upset when a food is prepared in an unfamiliar way. We see two OTs and one is super chill and one is really high-strung and this was the neurotic one. I think I’m just going to ask the other one that she’s still fine with our plan to phase out appointments at the end of the summer. Assuming the dentist doesn’t seem alarmed, that is.
Anonymous says
That demo sounds kind of gross to watch! FWIW, the retainer was not remotely traumatic or difficult – it was cemented on to my teeth, so I didn’t have to take it in or out, and it didn’t cause pain or problems with eating specific foods or require cleaning.
Anon says
I had a tongue thrust swallow! It’s relatively mild and I still have it and I’m a super adventurous eater. We actually didn’t know about it until it was time to get braces – it made my front teeth protrude somewhat. Maybe this is something else, but I agree with you that it makes no sense to me.
OP says
Yeah, I think it must be relatively mild because teachers, etc have never noticed it. I’m assuming she’ll need orthodontics eventually, both DH and I did, so that’s not really a big concern to me. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Pogo says
Same, I have it, wore some ugly orthodontia for it at times during my childhood, and I remember wearing one that I had a spot where I was supposed to keep my tongue when I swallowed… I mostly didn’t get any better, though my teeth are ok. though the tongue still sticks out on both sides.
Anon says
I am an adult with a tongue thrust and it matters not at all with eating in my case. It did push my teeth forward.