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A reader recently asked about how to support a first-time stay-at-home dad, particularly one who’s stressed out and struggling. The advice that other readers gave was so helpful that we’re sharing it here today (especially since it’s been a while since our last discussion on how to be supportive to a stay-at-home dad)!
Is your partner a stay-at-home parent? What do you do to support them? Is it working out well for your family? Have you ever wanted to be a stay-at-home mom?
Note: The advice below can apply to supporting a stay-at-home parent of any gender, but because SAHDs are still rare (16% of stay-at-home parents, pre-pandemic), that context is an added factor for dads who stay at home, and so we’ve focused this post on fathers. Even if your your husband or male partner has progressive views on gender roles, he may still be feeling a bit “less of a man” as a SAHD (no matter how silly that is) or may be thinking, “I always thought I’d be the breadwinner, and this just feels wrong.” Of course, that’s something he’ll need to work on!
{related: how to get help when you’re “the default parent”}
How to Support a First-Time Stay-at-Home Dad
Review how you’re dividing chores
Check out Kat’s recent post on the Fair Play system and our recent series on how to share the mental load. Also discuss whether his and/or your standards may be too high for things like housecleaning — or if they’re wildly different.
Try to be gentle with each other
The baby stage is tough, and you’re both adjusting to becoming parents —and probably not getting enough sleep. Be kind to yourself and to each other.
{related: working moms with stay-at-home dads share a week in their life}
Offer to help your husband get organized
Read our recent post on sharing the mental load with household duties and ask if your husband would like help getting organized and making a schedule. For example, on Monday he does laundry, on Tuesday he takes the baby for a stroller walk in a certain park, etc. Structure can help a lot!
{related: here’s what happened when I tried to use virtual assistants to delegate family tasks}
Consider what it’s like to be a stay-at-home spouse
Check out Drop the Ball: Achieving More by Doing Less and How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids [affiliate links] (or at least read detailed summaries online), and put yourself in the “husband” role.
Determine if your husband needs therapy
If he really seems to be struggling, know that dads can suffer from postpartum depression, too. See if your EAP offers counseling for spouses, browse Psychology Today’s Find a Therapist listings for local providers taking new patients, and check out online therapy.
Consider couples’ therapy
If your husband’s difficulties in dealing with his role as a stay-at-home dad are causing problems in your marriage, this is a smart move. Some EAPs offer couples’ therapy.
Reevaluate the situation
Maybe your husband being a SAHD just isn’t working out. Try to determine whether the issues he’s having could be temporary or if you need to make significant changes to your setup — for example, getting childcare from a family member or babysitter on a particular weekday(s) while your child’s still very young, or even planning for him to go back to full-time work with your baby in daycare. (Perhaps neither of you are cut out to be stay-at-home parents, and that’s OK.) Some of our other discussions on how to “stay in the game” for stay at home parents, or tips about strategic volunteering, might also be helpful if your partner wants to consider going back to work.
Readers, let’s hear from you: If you have a stay-at-home husband/partner, how do you help them succeed in that role? What are some specific ways you support them? How is it going in general?
{related: what to know about weaponized incompetence}
Stock photo via Stencil.
Anono says
Interesting topic. I laughed to myself at the idea of asking if your husband “needs help getting organized and setting a schedule with household duties. For example, on Mondays he does laundry…”
I think “helping” your husband structure his time could be seen as micromanaging and overbearing. He will want to do things his own way. The key here is trust, respect, and gratitude and to realize he is not a nanny you can order around (even if you’re just “helping him set a schedule”).
Kate says
I get it — I wondered about that one too when I was writing this, but a reader had shared that it worked for her partner and I thought it could be helpful for some couples. It makes a big difference how you suggest it, for sure. I think a mom who’s gone back to work could say something like, “You know, during my maternity leave, I made a basic schedule for myself — like I did [baby’s] laundry on Mondays, took her to the park on Tuesdays… Have you thought about trying something like that? Obviously, you could arrange it however you like, but let me know if you need a hand.” I think this could especially help neurodivergent people (ADHD, etc.) who might be feeling overwhelmed.
Belinda says
+1 When I was a stay-at-home mom, I really resented when my husband “assigned” me jobs to do, as if I was his household help. I already had a job. I do recognize that it can be difficult to organize your time, but that’s a learning curve that the stay-at-home parent needs to feel out and figure out on his own, ideally. And it’s just part of being a grown-up, contributing member of the household to learn to notice and do what needs to be done.
I think it’s different if there are like, household meetings where the couple gets together to discuss the family’s state of affairs and together determine certain things need to be accomplished. But again, that would be in the context of a discussion about the household overall, not one partner assigning tasks to the other.
Anonymous says
Share what works for you but trust him to figure it out. My twins napped in swings because I could never get them to settle in their cribs (night sleep was fine). When I went back to work at 1 year – he started napping them in the jogging stroller while he ran – did that year round. Even got the skit attachment for winter. I thought it was bonkers but they were safe and happy so whatever.
anon says
My gut reaction to this post title was “ooooof, hard pass.” I’m sure there could be some conversation at the onset of taking over as a SAHD about what we mutually agree should get done over the course of a week to make sure expectations are aligned but that’s where it stops. I don’t need to be the out-of-the-house parent and the nag all at once.
Anonymous says
Yup.
Anonymous says
My husband became a SAHD when our kids were 7 & 9 – partly because of pandemic needs, largely because of happiness and it being a net benefit for our family. I’ve made suggestions when he asks for them, but otherwise I let him do his thing. I also make sure to tell him I appreciate his role.
One thing I’d add is making sure he still gets time for himself too. It’s important he get times to keep up hobbies etc. With a baby particularly there’s little to no time to do so, so making sure you both get some “me” time is super important
Anon says
Right? Sometimes less is more. Drop the reins.
anon says
My husband is a SAHD 80% of the time and works in person a few times a month. He’s really stepped up from the beginning because I basically told him that a SAHM would be doing a lot more? Other than that, the most important is to just let go.
Anonymous says
This is why I am set against the concept of a SAHD. I know a few, and they definitely do not just take care of everything the way a SAHM would. Their wives still have to manage a lot of kid stuff, take time off work, etc.
startup lawyer says
I’ll say that it’s gotten a lot better both because he stepped up and I stopped trying to control everything (e.g., i was trying to meal plan to ensure kid ate a certain way). I do take more time off to take my kid to appointments than a working dad would but it’s because I want to and feel fomo if not.
Anon says
I don’t think you should be against the entire concept of a SAHD just because some guys do it badly. I know some really great ones.
Anonymous says
title should be ‘how to micromanage…’ not ‘how to support…’ because, wow.
he’s an adult, he’ll figure it out. there is zero need for this level of overbearing control. it’s 2022, why aren’t we past the inept husband/dad trope yet?
Anonymous says
Agreed, it’s really gross to read that here. My DH isn’t a SAHD but he took a long paternity leave and has been the primary/preferred parent for most of the time since then. I really resent the implication he’s supposed to be some kind of incompetent bumbling doofus who needs my help with everything. That trope is not only offensive to the many competent dads out there, it also holds women back by keeping childcare solely in the domain of “women’s work.”
Anonymous says
I will say that a SAHD that is super competent and handles everything at home “like a good mom would” is possible! My husband’s dad stayed at home while the mom had a big corporate job, and he did all the cooking, cleaning, homework helping, etc. for two kids. He also had a small side business that he grew as the kids got older. Some dads may not have the temperament, skills, or desire to take on this role, but it doesn’t mean that the entire concept of a SAHD is impossible or an excuse for guys to play video games and be lazy.
Anonymous says
My husband is a SAHD, and it has been great for our family. He handles everything at home. A while ago someone posted a division of labor quiz, and it came back that he did more. At first he had a hard time finding dad friends, but it improved as my kids got older. I think the pandemic also helped. His biggest problem was some boredom, but we solved that by having more children. He will probably go back to work when my youngest starts school, and I am not looking forward to that. We will at least need to hire cleaners.
anon says
My husband is a SAHMD too and it’s the greatest thing ever. I do wish there were groups or more support for his mental health at home.
A big thing for me is giving up complete control of certain tasks. If you’re micromanaging the way the dishwasher is loaded, it isn’t going to work.
I don’t resent him being home at all because I know how hard it is to manage everything. We can get a little bit envious of the other at times, but I really feel that both of us are giving the family our 100% and it just looks different from each side.
Anonymous says
Thank you. The SAHDs I know are wonderful and I don’t like the stereotyping above that SAHDs can’t run a household the way SAHMs can.
Liza says
Every time I see this article scroll across the banner, it annoys me. It’s the classic trope of there being NO articles targeted at men saying “How to Support a First Time Stay at Home Mom,” yet somehow we as women are supposed to spend our time on this crap. It’s honestly infuriating.