How to Support a First-Time Stay-at-Home Dad
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A reader recently asked about how to support a first-time stay-at-home dad, particularly one who’s stressed out and struggling. The advice that other readers gave was so helpful that we’re sharing it here today (especially since it’s been a while since our last discussion on how to be supportive to a stay-at-home dad)!
Is your partner a stay-at-home parent? What do you do to support them? Is it working out well for your family? Have you ever wanted to be a stay-at-home mom?
Note: The advice below can apply to supporting a stay-at-home parent of any gender, but because SAHDs are still rare (16% of stay-at-home parents, pre-pandemic), that context is an added factor for dads who stay at home, and so we’ve focused this post on fathers. Even if your your husband or male partner has progressive views on gender roles, he may still be feeling a bit “less of a man” as a SAHD (no matter how silly that is) or may be thinking, “I always thought I’d be the breadwinner, and this just feels wrong.” Of course, that’s something he’ll need to work on!
{related: how to get help when you’re “the default parent”}
How to Support a First-Time Stay-at-Home Dad
Review how you’re dividing chores
Check out Kat’s recent post on the Fair Play system and our recent series on how to share the mental load. Also discuss whether his and/or your standards may be too high for things like housecleaning — or if they’re wildly different.
Try to be gentle with each other
The baby stage is tough, and you’re both adjusting to becoming parents —and probably not getting enough sleep. Be kind to yourself and to each other.
{related: working moms with stay-at-home dads share a week in their life}
Offer to help your husband get organized
Read our recent post on sharing the mental load with household duties and ask if your husband would like help getting organized and making a schedule. For example, on Monday he does laundry, on Tuesday he takes the baby for a stroller walk in a certain park, etc. Structure can help a lot!
{related: here’s what happened when I tried to use virtual assistants to delegate family tasks}
Consider what it’s like to be a stay-at-home spouse
Check out Drop the Ball: Achieving More by Doing Less and How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids [affiliate links] (or at least read detailed summaries online), and put yourself in the “husband” role.
Determine if your husband needs therapy
If he really seems to be struggling, know that dads can suffer from postpartum depression, too. See if your EAP offers counseling for spouses, browse Psychology Today’s Find a Therapist listings for local providers taking new patients, and check out online therapy.
Consider couples’ therapy
If your husband’s difficulties in dealing with his role as a stay-at-home dad are causing problems in your marriage, this is a smart move. Some EAPs offer couples’ therapy.
Reevaluate the situation
Maybe your husband being a SAHD just isn’t working out. Try to determine whether the issues he’s having could be temporary or if you need to make significant changes to your setup — for example, getting childcare from a family member or babysitter on a particular weekday(s) while your child’s still very young, or even planning for him to go back to full-time work with your baby in daycare. (Perhaps neither of you are cut out to be stay-at-home parents, and that’s OK.) Some of our other discussions on how to “stay in the game” for stay at home parents, or tips about strategic volunteering, might also be helpful if your partner wants to consider going back to work.
Readers, let’s hear from you: If you have a stay-at-home husband/partner, how do you help them succeed in that role? What are some specific ways you support them? How is it going in general?
{related: what to know about weaponized incompetence}
Stock photo via Stencil.
Every time I see this article scroll across the banner, it annoys me. It’s the classic trope of there being NO articles targeted at men saying “How to Support a First Time Stay at Home Mom,” yet somehow we as women are supposed to spend our time on this crap. It’s honestly infuriating.
I will say that a SAHD that is super competent and handles everything at home “like a good mom would” is possible! My husband’s dad stayed at home while the mom had a big corporate job, and he did all the cooking, cleaning, homework helping, etc. for two kids. He also had a small side business that he grew as the kids got older. Some dads may not have the temperament, skills, or desire to take on this role, but it doesn’t mean that the entire concept of a SAHD is impossible or an excuse for guys to play video games and be lazy.
title should be ‘how to micromanage…’ not ‘how to support…’ because, wow.
he’s an adult, he’ll figure it out. there is zero need for this level of overbearing control. it’s 2022, why aren’t we past the inept husband/dad trope yet?
My husband is a SAHD 80% of the time and works in person a few times a month. He’s really stepped up from the beginning because I basically told him that a SAHM would be doing a lot more? Other than that, the most important is to just let go.
My gut reaction to this post title was “ooooof, hard pass.” I’m sure there could be some conversation at the onset of taking over as a SAHD about what we mutually agree should get done over the course of a week to make sure expectations are aligned but that’s where it stops. I don’t need to be the out-of-the-house parent and the nag all at once.
Share what works for you but trust him to figure it out. My twins napped in swings because I could never get them to settle in their cribs (night sleep was fine). When I went back to work at 1 year – he started napping them in the jogging stroller while he ran – did that year round. Even got the skit attachment for winter. I thought it was bonkers but they were safe and happy so whatever.
Interesting topic. I laughed to myself at the idea of asking if your husband “needs help getting organized and setting a schedule with household duties. For example, on Mondays he does laundry…”
I think “helping” your husband structure his time could be seen as micromanaging and overbearing. He will want to do things his own way. The key here is trust, respect, and gratitude and to realize he is not a nanny you can order around (even if you’re just “helping him set a schedule”).