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My son, who never used to say a peep about getting in and out of his car seat, has recently started to protest both on the way in AND out. Now that winter is coming, I am already thinking about the multi-step process of getting him in and out of the seat plus struggling to put oº°n and take off a winter jacket. I read about this coat on thecarseatlady.com, which has a great description of its benefits. Basically, there’s a thinner layer that you can buckle the seatbelt over, then another warmer layer that zips up over the thin layer AND the car seat buckle. That’s pretty cool, and I wish I invented it myself. It’s a bit pricey at $109.99, but I personally think it is worth it if you’re constantly in and out of the car like I am. Sizes range from 12 months to 6. The Road Coat
Mama Llama says
I just got around to reading the Week in a Life of post from yesterday. A, if you’re reading, please tell us your secrets of showering and getting ready so quickly in the morning!
octagon says
And the secret to getting up at 4:30 on just 6-7 hours of sleep. I’ve tried and tried to get up even at 5:30 and I just can’t.
Anonymous says
Not the Week in the Life author, but also an early riser. In my experience, you body gets used to it. You need to give it a solid 2 weeks, and then you will be used to it. Especially for exercise. Your body will crave it when you get up (kind of like caffeine) once you’re used to it.
MomAnon4This says
But don’t you end up going to sleep earlier? Like, even as early as 8:30 or 9pm? That extra hour comes from somewhere!
Anonymous says
10:43 Anon here. Yeah, I go to sleep earlier than a lot of people. But a 30 minute run is worth more for my physical health, mental health, and energy levels than an hour of sleep. So if I don’t get to bed on time, I still make it work.
Mama Llama says
I wish this was true for me! I always want to take a nap after a workout.
Anonymous says
Haha same. I get so much more energy from sleeping than working out.
Anon says
It sounded like she went to bed right after her kids so 8:30/9 pm.
AnonToday says
I’m going to apologize in advance for posting about a topic that has probably been discussed frequently here. I’m trying to decide about baby # 2. In the perfect world, I would really like to have another baby. My daughter is two, and I have really enjoyed the journey thus far; I feel that motherhood is my calling. Here are my concerns- we own a house in DC (another baby would be extremely tight for the finances), I worry about having the energy to devote to work, and I have a chronic medical condition that makes every pregnancy high risk. My first pregnancy involved a lot of complications. Also, my job has an extremely skimpy maternity leave (in terms of paid leave). Does anyone have thoughts on whether I should jump in despite my reservations? I’m really interested to hear your perspective (plus it feels good to just write all my thoughts down). Thank you!
Mama Llama says
Any reason you have to decide now? My kids are 4 years apart because that’s how long it took us to be ready. In my social circle it seems like everyone spaces kids 2 years apart, and I felt some unspoken pressure to go for a second starting when my daughter was 2, but you don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.
AIMS says
I think the pressure to space them so close is probably largely age related? I was on one side of 35 with no. 1 and other side with no. 2, and I think while obviously you can go a bit longer, there’s a bit of added pressure to get it done when you’re already mid 30s when you start, esp. if you had any issues conceiving the 1st, which a lot of people I know did.
Anonymous says
Most people I know had their first kid in their 20s, and still spaced them ~2 years apart. Many people think that’s the ideal age gap. So I don’t think it’s all age related.
Anonymous says
I decided against #2 largely because I have a chronic medical condition that would make pregnancy risky for both me and my baby. I also feel like motherhood is my calling, but that means being here and healthy for my first child is paramount. That said, DH is a really happy only child and I have one sibling who is a burden, not a help, when it comes to aging parents. So I’ve never really been on team “a sibling is a gift to your child.”
AIMS says
My mom decided against no. 2 in your circumstances (she was told it would be very high risk and she didn’t want me to possibly grow up without her). I think she sometimes regrets it or wonders what would’ve been, but I can’t say I have ever missed having a sibling. In fact, I’m rather grateful for the perks of being an “only.” I ended up having 2 even though I was on the fence about it for some of the same reasons you list – space, resources – although I was more ambivalent about wanting a second, period. I don’t regret it (obviously?) but I also found that even my easy pregnancy was tougher the second time around, having two 2 years apart is super rough day to day (my house/life is in a constant state of chaos, it feels), and I constantly feel bad that both of the kids are not getting the kind of attention/opportunities/experience they would if they were “onlies.” I am hopeful that over time it will get easier and that eventually maybe having 2 will even be easier. But full truth, in the abstract, I would have been perfectly fine with just one.
CHL says
Hugs – this is a tough choice. And either life would probably be fine/wonderful, etc. Only you and your doctor can accurately assess the health risks, so I’ll comment on the finances. Are you willing to change your lifestyle and location to accommodate this dream? DC is so so expensive. I have inlaws that left DC to move to Minnesota and they were able to have three kids and generally an easier time, even if they don’t have the exciting-est careers that they might have in DC and there are fewer (but still many) cultural amenities. Might be an interesting mental exercise to see if you could picture your life in another place.
Anonymous says
Health factors would be the deciding factor for me. And that’s a very personal decision. My sister enduring 6 miscarriages and a very high risk pregnancy (like hospitalized on bed rest for two months at the end) in order to have her second. That’s way beyond what I would have done. Decisions around health are so personal.
Finances you can usually find someway to make work – change jobs, put both kids in one bedroom so you have a bedroom for an aupair, buy only secondhand baby/toddler gear/clothes, etc.
Anonanonanon says
I just had #2 in the DC area with a chronic medical condition (that flared throughout the pregnancy and ended up with me on a bunch of steroids and was just generally awful) and here’s some additional things I’d take into consideration:
-Is your job primarily in-office, or can you telework? If you can telework, how much flexibility do you have with your schedule? I have the ability to telework when reasonable (between 0 and 4 days a week) and I won’t lie, when my condition is flaring I sometimes use the opportunity/empty house to take a nap. I keep my cell phone close by and have audible alerts for if certain people email me, but sometimes I just have to rest. I, of course, make up the work that evening, but I honestly don’t know if I could make it through without doing this every once in a while.
-Again with job flexibility, I’m assuming you’ll use all of your FMLA after the baby, so how flexible will your job be with doctor’s appointments/lab tests/procedures/infusions/whatever else you have to do to help control or treat your illness? I’m salaried, but my previous (also salaried-exempt) job would have made me take PTO for the infusions I get for my condition. My new job let me negotiate to flex that time.
-The amount of snow days in the DC area is ridiculous. Everyone assumed childcare costs go down when they hit elementary school, but my son is in public elementary school and his childcare costs are equal to the baby in an in-home daycare. It is very difficult (and therefor expensive) to find a summer program that covers an entire workday, and many of the school system before/after school care options don’t cover snow days. We use a private daycare for before/after school care and summer camp that follows federal government weather closures, but it costs us. However, fair or not, a lot of people battling a chronic illness need to save their last minute call-outs for their illness and not their kids.
-Another FMLA/STD consideration, if you go on bed rest due to complications, the FMLA clock will start ticking then. Will your job let you take additional, unpaid time after the baby comes if that happens? Or could you possibly be forced to go back as soon as your short-term disability (if your job gives that for childbirth) runs out? Since you state motherhood is your calling, I imagine it would be really tough for you to go back so early!
-Does your partner have a lot of PTO? I had a lot of appointments for my own chronic condition after the baby was born, and so my partner had to cover all of the well-child visits, vaccinations, etc.
-Also, re: the finances, DC is just so, so, so expensive. Could you relocate to the suburbs to make things a bit easier? It’s nice to be able to throw money at things when you have two kids and a chronic illness, and it sounds like that would be really difficult for you in current circumstances.
lawsuited says
I had all the same concerns re: finances, work and pregnancy, and found it helpful to separate my decision into 2 parts. I based the decision on *whether* to have a second child on the vision I had for our family 10 years from now. I wanted my first to have the experience of having a sibling, I wanted my husband and I to have to the experience of parenting different children, and I wanted my household to have a “fuller feeling”. Then, I based the decision on *when* to have a second child on the vision I have for our family/myself in the next 2-5 years. Ultimately, my health was the deciding factor, as I have more control over finances and work than I do over my health and fertility. My first pregnancy was high risk, and I decided that me being older wasn’t going to improve my risk factors any so I am having my babies just about 2 years apart.
Anonymous says
Just a gentle reminder that there are avenues for motherhood that don’t involve your own pregnancy. Foster parenting, adoption…
anaoninri says
As an only child (technically have a half-brother who is 9 years younger), now 33 and with a kid of my own, married to a partner who has 3 siblings, I find that the older I get, the more and more I wish I had siblings. You may find a range in opinions from only children but consider that some only children do feel left out of an essential human experience of having siblings. It makes life easier in many ways.
Anonymous says
Eh I don’t really agree with this. I have many friends who are not close to siblings or whose siblings require significant financial or emotional help. If it works out that your kids are close and are all financially stable adults, having two or more can be a great blessing. But as I watch my best friend send her loser brother checks every month, I’m very glad I’m an only child. I’ve actually gotten more greatful for being an only as I get older, because no one except my kids depends on me, and I have my husband to help with the kids.
To Do Lists says
Ladies, hit me with your best “to do” list apps. Would love something that works on IPhone/iPad and also in a browser if need be. Ideally would also be shareable with my husband. Even more ideal would be the ability to designate priorities and group tasks by type (and be able to switch). For example, I would love to look at a list and see it organized by today, tomorrow, this week, then re-sort to see errands grouped together, house projects grouped together. Any thoughts on something that might fit the bill? Thanks!
EB0220 says
Trello! I use it for a ton of stuff. I have a bunch of tutorials on my site bc I love Trello so much!
CHL says
Super random question – does anyone have recommendations of where to get fake Christmas greenery (like garlands) that looks really nice? I’m sick of having the needles everywhere but I love the look of garlands in our home. Signed – Don’t tell my husband that I’m ordering Christmas decorations already…
octagon says
If price is not an issue, Balsam Hill. But honestly if you have a Michaels near you just go and start picking through it before Black Friday — quality really varies and then they will be sold out.
Elle says
Second Balsam Hill
Anonymous says
Costco may have some and their Christmas décor overall has been consistently nice quality. We’ve also had luck with Ace Hardware.
CHL says
Thanks, all! As so often in life, Costco may be the answer! Good tip on pre-black Friday. It seems so early but that totally makes sense!
Anon says
Grandinroad. But don’t pay full price.
First Time Mom Confessions says
I have no idea how to dress my 7 month old for winter. We’re in the northeast. Today’s snow and wetness gave me a reality check this morning.
I see three primary needs:
(1) in the house — house runs a little cold because, duh, it’s winter and we’re in an old, inefficient house so the solution is not as simply as turning up heat. Short sleeve onesies are replaced by long sleeve ones, but her pants always inevitably become capri/hiked up her legs, exposing bare skin, as she wiggles around.
(2) Making transitions from house > car, car > daycare, car > restaurant/grandmas house… I put a big, warm blanket over her in the car seat this AM, but soon we won’t be using the car seat for these transitions. Is this what an fuzzy/warm bunting is for? That sounds like a lot of work for quick transitions. Without something like that, I think we’d run into the same capri/hiked up pants issue as #1.
(3) Playing in the snow. We live in Boston and snow/cold is a fact of life. [Within appropriate reason] she will spend time outside this winter, learning to love the cold and snow like we do. Is this what a waterproof bunting suit is for?
Haaalp.
OP says
Also, giving her current size and growth trajectory through winter (she’ll be 11 mos by end of March/winter), do I buy 12 month sizes now and let it be big for a while or buy something that fits today and repurchase when she needs the next largest size?
AIMS says
A lot of winter gear comes in 6-12 month sizes, so you should be okay with that. Otherwise, you can size up.
Mama Llama says
I am a big proponent of baby clothes with built in feet because of the hiking up issue and because I can never get socks to stay on. For indoors in cold weather I layer a one-piece footed sleeper over a onesie. I also like pants with built-in feet, but they are surprisingly tough to find. If it’s really cold you could do a sleeper over a long-sleeve onesie and pants. I also layer fleece booties over a footed sleeper for going outside in a soft-carrier. For the car transition, if she’s being carried you can always wrap her in a blanket. For snow my baby never stayed outside long enough to really need a waterproof bunting. We used the fuzzy bear bunting from LL Bean.
Anonymous says
I like zutano booties for around the house. I do short sleeve onesie plus long sleeve shirt over top. Stonz booties with liners for outside the house.
For car transport – fleece suit with foldover hand covers fron Old Navy or Columbia plus hat; tuck fleece blanket over after buckling in. Keep extra fleece blanket in car for really chilly days. Can also warm up carseat with a hot water bottle before putting baby in if it’s super cold (signs you are Canadian…)
For baby wearing – hat plus fleece suit plus stonz booties – jolly jumper has a good fleece babywearing cover or use a kokala jacket insert. Use downsuit or snowsuit if outside for multiple hours as you will likely want to put baby down at some point.
Perdito suit plus one piece rain suit for outside – or one piece snowsuit. – REI has a good selection. Carters also makes nice one pieces but not waterproof. I found we didn’t stay outside with kid down in the snow long enough to need waterproof. Our kids all loved been worn while we snowshoed at that age.
Anonymous says
For number 1, go to Amazon and search for Moccon brand slipper socks. She can wear them in the house, and they will come up over her pant legs to keep them down. Or you can put them under the pant legs, and they go up high enough that there shouldn’t be much of a gap, if any.
For 2, check out the JJ Cole car seat covers. We had a fleece one with elastic that went around the car seat. They have a flap that you open when you’re inside and close when you’re outside. That plus a medium-heavy blanket will be enough for trips from the house to the car and the car to the store/daycare/etc.
We didn’t play in the now at that age. I don’t like the cold so waited until kiddo was old enough that daycare takes them out to play. That happened around 2 for us. We have a Columbia coat and snow pant set for that. They run huge and grow with kids, so we’ll get two winters out of it (!!!!). Boots last year came from a Farm and Fleet type store – good quality and cheap (plus we live in a small town). This year I’m in love with some Sorels, but ultimately found 5-6 pairs of different boots I approve of for kiddo to choose between online this weekend. Maybe she’ll pick something cheaper. A couple Kamiks and some Sorels.
I’d buy big, but remember that if it is big, cold air will just go under it. Last year when kiddo’s heavy winter coat was so big, she wore a fleece under it to bridge the gap.
AIMS says
In the house – you can get footie pants if the capri issue is a concern. Carter’s makes them, probably so do many others. I am a big fan of Old Navy thermal onesies, also. They’re just a bit warmer than regular but not so hot as to be annoying for baby. Zuitano fleece baby ‘booties’ are great if your kid is like mine and takes off any and all socks immediately.
Outside/Transitions – the greatest thing I ever got was a 7 am enfant car seat cocoon type thing that is safe in the car but basically lets you plop them in without a jacket. If she’s 7 months now, you can make it through the rest of winter before growing out of the infant seat so this is to my mind the best solution, even if it does involve lifting the car seat out. On warmer days, I’d say you’d be okay in a fleece for a quick run in to/from. I bought a little zip up “sweat” suit that works great for this kind of thing at TJ Maxx. It was maybe $12 and is either Nike or Puma but just warm enough with a good hat for all but the really cold NY days.
Playing in the snow – YMMV, but the amount of time you can have a baby actually play in the snow is v. limited until they can walk and even then. This is what waterproof bunting is for but I wouldn’t spend a lot of money on this. We got a suit on sale midwinter for ~$20 and used twice to take pictures and then baby basically rebelled and demanded to be picked up/taken inside.
Cb says
I just ordered my toddler these jojo maman leggings in hopes of avoiding the Capri issue. When I was little, I had a burts bees quilted suit that I’d put over his other clothes if it was chilly indoors or if we were going to be out and about. The buntings are a total pain, my kiddo screamed getting into them.
lawsuited says
For 1, while she is crawling pants with built-in feet works best. When she is standing/cruising/walking, joggers that are tighter around the ankle and looser through the leg won’t ride up – look in the boys’ section.
For 2 and 3, get a one-piece zip-up snowsuit with built-in booties, mitts and hood. I resisted them because they seemed like a hassle, but you get really fast at spreading the open snowsuit down on the couch, plopping the baby into it, zipping it up and carrying baby out the door. And when you get where you’re going, it’s easy to peel off and they’re dressed for indoors. It’s more effective and actually less fuss than a blanket + sweater + hat + shoes. I would just get one waterproof snowsuit and use it for everything given that it’ll only fit for a season.
Anonymous says
Not to be that person, but just be careful with winter clothes and car seats because it’s not considered safe to have thick layers when a baby is strapped in.
lawsuited says
My paed told me that a snow jacket was not safe because LO could slip out of it, but a one piece snowsuit was fine.
Anonymous says
one piece snowsuits are not safe unless they are only one layer of fleece or they are very thin compressible down like primaloft Perdito by North Face.
An easy way to test if it is safe is to buckle your baby in while they have the coat on and tighten the strap, then remove the coat and buckle them in again- if you have any room to tighten the straps without the coat on then it is not car seat safe.
It’s also the official AAP recommendation to only wear a thin layer fleece jacket – https://www.healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/on-the-go/Pages/Winter-Car-Seat-Safety-Tips.aspx
Anonymous says
That’s not the AAP advice: https://www.healthychildren.org/English/safety-prevention/on-the-go/Pages/Winter-Car-Seat-Safety-Tips.aspx
HSAL says
A couple people mentioned similar versions above, but for #2, the Jolly Jumper car seat cover is clutch. When it’s indoors–>indoors, we don’t put coats on them and they’re perfectly warm in transport. Unless she’s big (my five month old twins will probably outgrow their infant seats by 8 or 9 months max) that should get you through winter.
Anonymous says
We live in Boston (burbs). I have 3 kids. The solution is thick tights + onesies to keep skin from behind exposed. Get a Patagonia or knockoff lightweight down jacket in size 6-12mos for the carseat, or go full on bunting (too much work for me…but my walks to/from car are short).
This year, your baby won’t be in the snow to play. Next year, she’ll be in snowpants + boots like the rest of them ;). Good mittens are key.
Positive Friday says
Ladies, I really liked the suggestion a couple weeks ago to say something great about being a parent, or something fun or funny your child did. I think we do get caught up on this site about needing advice on the stuff that doesn’t go as well that we forget to show gratitude for what does. And that comment on the main site about motherhood sounding like a nightmare based on reading this site got me thinking that we should do this more often. Kat, maybe this can be an afternoon thread once a week?
I’ll start. On the way home from daycare the other day, I had to slam on my breaks. Of course that set off a slew of “why” questions from my almost 4 year old. One of them was “why did I move forward when we stopped?” I turned it back on him and asked him. He thought for a second, then finally said “inertia!”. We’ve been trying to teach him some of those concepts and they are sticking! It’s really great to see him learning.
Mama Llama says
I love this idea! Similar to your story, I took my 4 yo to her first protest last week, and it kicked off a slew of “why” and “what’ questions, which led to a great discussion about civics and the legal system. Teaching my daughter about the world is one of my favorite things about parenting. And she’s been telling us how “no one is above the law” ever since, which I love.
Anonymous says
My daughter is three and has a cough. Last night during bedtime books, she was coughing. So I asked her if she needed a drink of water. She responded “How about some Cheetos?” in a super noncholant way without missing a beat. My husband and I laughed so hard. (She did not get the Cheetos.)
MomAnon4This says
Last night I asked my 2yearold son, whom I thought looked especially cute and he was having a good time, “Who needs a kissy?!”
He turned away, clearly snubbing me, and said, “Mommy”.
I was like, I guess he’s right.
I thought it was funny!
Anonymous says
No specific anecdote, but the unadulterated joy on my kids’ faces when they saw the snow coming down yesterday morning reminded me what it’s all about :)
AIMS says
We’ve been trying to model please and thank you and it’s still a work in progress but my almost 3 year old was eating dinner last night and completely unprompted said to me, “thanks for making me yummy food and putting ketchup on my special green plate. I am just so happy!” And the “yummy” food was sweet potatoes and broccoli (I have given up on the ketchup on everything).
Cb says
My 15 month old wakes up in the am and practices his words and my husband and I listen on the monitor and crack up. It is just this stream of words hewwo, bye, Bear, bunmi, apple, nana, papa, mama, dada, kitty, Kasia, Emma, uh oh, go, go,go.
When we tell him it is time to go to nursery, he runs into the hall to his Pram saying the names of his teachers and go go go.
Regular readers will remember that he had a horrible time settling into nursery this summer and now he’s so settled and happy to be there.
GCA says
Great idea! Here’s my funny:
Me to son, 3.5, while chasing him down the block home from daycare: How on earth do you have so much energy?
Him: Because it’s my job!
Anoner says
Love this! I was reading Huggy Kissy with my almost two year old last night and he was kissing and hugging the characters on the pages and I died from the sweetness!
Betty says
Its a Snow Day in New England. By eight o’clock, I had overheard the following: “Alligator is having a tough morning. I think he needs to spend a few minutes in the take-a-break chair. I will sit with him so he’s not alone.” Followed shortly by my son running through the room squawking. He then paused and said to himself, “I would make a great hummingbird.”
anon says
Literally laughed out loud reading this
anon says
ha ha ha, me too!
Anonanonanon says
That’s so cute, I love that age!
My facebook memories recently reminded me of when my three-year-old (at the time) said: “Mommy, how do you fix a broken tomato?” Me (expecting a “joke”): I don’t know, how DO you fix a broken tomato?” Him: “I don’t know, that’s why I asked YOU. Also maybe dont go to the fridge”.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We were taking pics of our 2.5 year old and the new baby, and he kept saying “cheese” when smiling for the pictures. When he got tired of taking pics, he said “no more cheeses.” We thought that was hilarious and have been saying it to ourselves ever since.
Anon says
My Kindergartener now yells “NOOOOOOOOO” when I walk in the door to her aftercare program 15 min before they close, and begs me to come back later. She loves the playtime and activities and art projects and has made friends with so many other kids. I love it because I feel like she’s getting the “cousin” experience that she’s missing by living so far away from family.
My preschooler’s teacher was blown away by my preschooler’s command of his emotions. He still acts up, but will name exactly what he’s feeling and why. So he’ll yell at a friend “I’m frustrated! You took the fire truck but *I* wanted that one! That makes me yell!” I’d like to think it’s a credit to our parenting but really it’s Daniel Tiger.
AIMS says
Your parenting put on Daniel Tiger. Take the credit! My kid went off by herself at a party the other day and when someone said “what are you doing?” she answered, “I’m mad and need to sing a song to feel better.”
Anonanonanon says
My son (8) recently shared that a kid who had spilled chocolate milk on himself selected my son to be the one to walk him to the clinic for a clean pair of pants. My son said the kid told him he picked him “because he knew I wouldn’t make fun of him for it”. I have never been prouder of my kid.
Our 8.5-month-old has been skyping with my mom a lot to prep for her coming to town to care for the kids for a week while we’re on a trip, my mom is Southern and I’ve noticed the baby says “ha dere!” in a high-pitched imitation of a southern accent if you say it to her first. (My mom has been saying “hi there!” a lot in the skype sessions) Considering she can’t even reliably refer to the proper person as mama and dada, I find the fact she has chosen to embrace her inner southern belle to be hilarious.
AwayEmily says
That is so sweet about your son.
Redux says
Agreed! Tears!
Em says
I love this idea! My 2 1/2 year old was asking for a smoothie (what he eats for breakfast) when I put him to bed last night. I told him he had to go to sleep first and he could have the smoothie when he woke up. He somehow managed to pull his mattress halfway off his toddler bed in the middle of the night, so I had to go in and fix it at 12:30 this morning. After I put it back on, he excitedly looked at me and said “now I can have my smoothie!” I had to explain to him it was still bed time and he had to go back to sleep and then wake up again, first.
AwayEmily says
Last night, at bedtime, my 2.5 year old told me that her Foxy (aka her lovey) was sad. “Why is Foxy sad?” I asked. “Because he doesn’t want to go to bed. He wants to play.” So I told her “Well, Foxy needs to sleep so he has lots of energy to play tomorrow! Can you tell him that?” She looked at me with great concern and said “No, YOU tell him.”
SC says
A conversation between me and my 3.5 year old.
Him: “Mommy, it’s time to wake up!”
Me: “Oh, it is?
Him: “Yes, because the sun is up. If you keep sleeping, you’ll get very full.”
Me: “Very full?”
Him: “Yes.”
Me: “Full of what?”
Him: “ENERGY!”
Me: “That sounds amazing!”
Him: “No, you don’t want to be too full.”
Apparently, he’s applied our lessons on eating until you’re satisfied to sleep.
Anony says
My almost 3 year old brought her chair into the living room where hubby and I were sitting. She proceeded to stand on top of her chair and gesture while yelling a dramatic speech of mostly nonsensical word combinations. In between her points she stopped to say, “Clap mommy and daddy!” After adequate applause she launched into her next point, asked for more applause, and continued and continued for 7 or 10 minutes. It was the best speech I have ever heard.
Anonymous says
I have 3 kids and my middle, who is 2.5, wears me down every day. She’s basically a mini me, which means she’s whip smart and obnoxious about it, and can manipulate people to get away with anything. She’s also extreme in her love: she had a tantrum last night because, t turns out, she only kissed my cheeks goodnight and had not yet kissed my eyes, ears, or elbows. Hard to hate on that!
Lyssa says
My sister lives far away, so we were shopping for a Christmas present to give to my nephew when we see her next week. Sister is pregnant with a second, and the kids (5 and 3) insisted on getting a present for the baby, too. My 3 year old picked out a stuffed animal, explaining that it was “because babies like to have something to cuddle when they go to sleep, and so she won’t cry in her bed.”
Anon says
My 15 month old right now is really into hugging and kissing. It is the sweetest thing. Also trying to wean her, and when I pulled her off one night this week to cut short a nursing session, she hugged me and showered my face with kisses (presumably hoping to convince me to pull them back out, which failed, but it was super sweet). I was also super impressed when she shoved a dining chair halfway across the room to try and climb up on it to see out the window to the snow in the dining room yesterday. With my brains and my husband’s DI physical abilities, she is a handful, but an exciting, loving handful.
Lilliet says
This was a spectacular interlude and I agree could easily become a weekly feature!
I’m late to the party, but would like to add my story, my son who had been struggling with developing with speaking (typical too many ear infections, couldn’t hear, can finally hear has to relearn how things sound) can’t stop singing. He’s been singing his winter program to us and making up his own songs as well. It’s simultaneously some of his sweetest moments, and moments of relief for me. He starts kindergarten next and we’ve been so worried. But with all his singing I just know he’ll be fine, if maybe singing his mnemonic devices.
H13 says
I haven’t seen my sister in over a year and I will be seeing her soon. I taught my 21-month-old to say her name last week. I can’t wait for her to see him say it in just a few days.
Let’s do more of this!
Anonymous says
Aw, I love this. I’m really late to the party, but I’ll play. In addition to my kids being *delighted* with the snow yesterday in a way that adults just don’t get to experience except vicariously through them…
5 year old loves ears. It’s weird, but really sweet. Holding his own or someone else’s ear (including the cat’s) soothes him, so he’ll just snuggle on the couch with a person or a cat, holding their ear. Part of our goodnight kiss routine is him needing to grab both of my ears.
3.5 year old wants to be a scientist when she grows up so she can help fight germs, like her book says. Same germs book also illustrates vaccines with a syringe instructing a classroom of white blood cells to “make weapons that look like this,” and now my daughter is convinced her flu shot has filled her body with “axe weapons.”
2 year old is just the cutest thing ever. He’s super chill, very verbal, but not old enough to be defiant yet. He likes to try to join in the older kids’ conversations, and when they were reminding each other that you should never say the F word (don’t get me started on how annoyed I am that they even know that word, thanks, daycare older sibs), littlest just grinned and gleefully yelled, “THE F WORD!” over and over.
EB0220 says
Dog owners, will you talk to me about working + parenting + dog? Husband had dogs as a kid, but we haven’t had one since we got together. Kids are now 4 and 6 and we’re seriously considering adopting a dog. But I have no idea what to expect! Do you find the logistics hard? Tell me what I don’t know!
Anonymous says
Adopt an adult, house-trained dog from a rescue. Potty training a puppy is SO MUCH WORK. Adult dogs are way, way less work. Our small dog is fine being alone during a normal workday, so all we have to do is a morning work and afternoon walk (which DH handles right now because I’m nursing). Your kids are old enough to help with the walks. I don’t think it will be a ton of work, unless you get a puppy.
Anonymous says
Agree with the puppy. My parents got a puppy around the time my child turned 1. It was basically like having a newborn (up to pee at night, crying all the time, etc.). It was a little bit of a joke in our family, because of how much a puppy is like having an actual baby in your house.
EB0220 says
Yep, this is what we were thinking. Puppies are cute but seem like a ton of work.
AIMS says
I think it depends on your situation – apartment and you have to walk the dog? backyard where you can let the dog out? We have a dog and live in an apartment. It’s only really challenging when it’s one person home at the time the dog needs to be walked so to some extent we just always have to plan around it when one of us is going to be out later than usual. The other challenge is more baby related because my little one keeps trying to put the dog toys in his mouth and there is only so much you can do there but your kids are older so that’s less a concern, I’d think. I know that opinions on this would differ but I am of the mind that with young kids, you also probably want to get a puppy vs an older dog because some dogs, especially ones that need to be re-homed, may have some issues with kids. At the very least, you want to know your dog’s history. I am very pro-adoption generally and generally want to take in the neediest animals and so this is not something that was easy for me to accept. I would research whatever dog you do consider. Some are more high energy than others, do better with kids, etc.
EB0220 says
We have a house but currently no fence in the yard. I was wondering about the behavioral aspect of a puppy vs an older dog. The physical part of a puppy seems hard but also you know the puppy doesn’t have THAT much history that may affect behavior….
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t worry about a rescue with a 4 year old and 6 year old. A baby/toddler, yes, because you can’t teach them not to startle the dog, not to pull the dog’s tail, etc. But a 4 year old can and should be taught how to behave appropriately around a dog and should be fine even with a more anxious dog. If the dog is nasty and aggressive, it should be obvious pretty much immediately. A shelter can steer you towards a dog who has a good personality for families. There’s no way I would take on a puppy, it’s literally like having a newborn child.
Anon in NYC says
We have a dog. It’s been more challenging since we had a kid. It’s not that bad when both of us are home, but it’s really hard when someone is solo parenting. Granted, a lot of this is because we live in an apartment building and are not on the first floor. But we take our dog out 3x a day (1x AM, 2x PM). We generally do not have a dog walker and/or doggy daycare. It is a challenge getting into our apartment and then running down a few flights of stairs to take the dog out (with the kid), and then back inside and up the stairs. For that final pre-bed trip outside, often times we have to leave a sleeping kid in the apartment and run the dog out, which I don’t love. BUT, other than that, having the actual dog is great.
mascot says
I think young dogs (1-3 years) are the sweet spot for age- old enough to be past the house breaking and puppy chewing stages and you can get a good sense of their socialization, energy level, and personality. Your kids are at a good age too because they are old enough to understand basic dog safety rules which lessens the chance of injures to both parties. We’ve had dogs for 13 years now so I don’t find the logistics that bad. Having a fenced yard makes things really easy for us. If you are used to leaving the house from 7am-9pm or leaving town on spontaneous weekend trips, having to accommodate a dog will take some getting used to. I think the challenges are worth it though. Our lives are much better because we have dogs in them.
BettySmith says
Counterpoint to prior opinions: potty training our labrador retriever as a puppy wasnt hard just work. A few days of frequent trips outside (house with a yard) and he was good to go. We also crate trained. Yes its like a newborn but not for long. Puppy wasnt that hard as long as he got frequent walks and needed supervision and training to not destroy the house. The difficult logistical part is the time training. At 3 he is easy to take care of with 20-60 minutes exercise daily (the longer the better).
Anonymous says
I would buy an older puppy the breeder trains. Or, buy a puppy from a breeder and put the work in to train it. Get a temperament that’s good with children and not prone to aggression issues; I also recommend a shed-less dog. You can’t have a bad dog and young kids, including your kids friends, not just your kids. No rescues. Rescues deserve better – I’ve seen tons of 60+ somethings with time or big yards to help a rescue dog – parents of kids do not have what a rescue deserves.
We trained our 4+ YO dog before DD was born (she’s 2.5 now). I run with the dog every morning 30- 60 minutes, and DH takes the dog out for 20+ minutes every night before bed. We have to alternate there responsibilities b/c someone always stays home with DD while they other is out with the dog. We pay for dog walking. And our daughter loves her dog. It’s work though. Don’t skimp on the work though – the dog deserves better.
EB0220 says
Could you please explain what you mean by “parents of kids do not have what a rescue deserves”? Do you mean families with young kids lack time or attention or..? Since I’ve never had a dog, I’m genuinely curious what you mean by this specifically.
Em says
We have 3 personal dogs and foster dogs for a rescue (about 10 a year), in addition to both working full time and having a toddler, so I take issue with this. Our dogs are spoiled, loved, well cared for, and very happy. The rescue we work with won’t adopt a dog out to a home with children under 5 unless it has a track record of living with children under 5 – I don’t think you are going to get that kind of guarantee from a breeder. One of our dogs has a lot of energy so we send her to daycare once a week and take her on outings, but the other two are super chill and aren’t fans of going for regular walks. They want to sleep all day and hang out in the yard occasionally, so that’s what they do. The foster dogs are a mixed bag, but we only have them for a few months, so we just roll with the flow with them. Dogs have different temperaments/energy levels/behavioral issues and your best bet of getting one that is a good fit for your family is getting one from a rescue that has already screened the dog and figured all those issues out, not adopting a puppy that is a wild card. There are good and bad rescues, so do your homework and find a good one. People complain about the hoops you have to jump through for a rescue, but those hoops are how they identify a dog that is a good fit for you. Go with a foster-based rescue and make sure you get to talk to the foster home before you adopt a dog. Be very clear about your lifestyle and expectations and what kind of time, attention, and exercise you can give to a dog. There are dogs out there that are a good fit for every family and lifestyle.
Anon says
If you can swing it, I’d consider getting two dogs instead of just one. Dogs are pack animals and are hard wired to want company. I’ve had both singletons and pairs over the years and have found them to be better behaved in pairs. I know it sounds counterintuitive but I really think two is easier than one!
Havanese? says
Related question! Contemplating getting a Havanese (already have a 7 year old terrier who is fine with other dogs). Anybody have experience with the breed? I hear they are great with kids but would love some confirmation, as we plan to try to get pregnant within the next year.
First Time Mom says
Any moms out there not get really excited about the nursery/buying baby stuff etc? I am 26 weeks pregnant and everyone is making me feel like an alien because I don’t have a registry, don’t really plan on buying anything until January, don’t look at baby stuff and go awww, etc. I am happy I am pregnant, honestly though more excited for 6 month plus baby stage rather than newborn stage but all of it still feels kind of distant and foreign. I am trying to do a good job about preparing myself for birth/postpartum (hiring someone to bring meals, getting a post partum doula, getting a lactation coach, hiring doulas for the birth, going to birth classes/ prenatal yoga) so its not like I am not doing anything to prep for the birth. I just don’t go awww over tiny baby shoes.
Anonymous says
Me! I didn’t have a registry (admittedly I’m Jewish, so not having a registry is not that weird) and I didn’t get excited about baby stuff at all. For me it was more nerves and anxiety – like I didn’t want to gush over baby clothes before I knew the baby would be born healthy – but I’m also just not that big a baby person in general. But I definitely had that “I’m happy to be pregnant and excited for the baby, but this isn’t the Biggest Deal Ever” vibe, which led a lot of people to think that I wasn’t excited to be a mom. I found out later that a lot of people actually thought my pregnancy was accidental because I didn’t seem happy enough! But then if you’re too excited, people call you a narcissist princess. So I really think you can’t win.
Anonymous says
Me too. When it came up, I usually framed it in a self-deprecating way, like, I am too busy (which was true) and don’t have my sh*t together (sort of true, I just didn’t prioritize a perfect nursery enough to have my sh*t together for that), but the newborn would not know the difference anyway. Nobody gave me a hard time, actually. I did put together a little registry on Amazon, more to help out well wishers and avoid the experience I had with my wedding when I held out for too long and ended up getting ugly, unwanted stuff. (Wow, I really sound like a ray of sunshine in this post!)
… Cut to two weeks before my third baby’s first birthday, and he has… some decals on the wall of his room. He seems to be doing just fine, and we all love him very much (and the cuteness of his outfits and quality of the design of his room are not a measure of our love!)
EB0220 says
I was the same. I had zero interest in baby stuff with my first. I was finishing my dissertation and just didn’t have time. I think I finally created a registry around 30 weeks. Baby shower at 36 weeks, baby came the next day. Just in time! I think everyone is different and you shouldn’t feel guilty about your feelings.
Anonanonanon says
I was a lot more “in” to it with my first BUT looking back I realized I think that was out of necessity. It was before the age of amazon prime. With my second, I wasn’t as into it, because i had the knowledge that I could wait and figure out what this specific baby needed and have it at my doorstep in MAX two days. (I also have a Shipt account so someone could get smaller things from target for me, and we have Prime Now where a lot of stuff comes within 2 hours). When it was harder to get things, and they largely had to be purchased in advance (without the advantage of thousands of online reviews), it was a lot more difficult and a lot more necessary to become immersed in the whole thing.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
This was me! I had a registry but just couldn’t get attached to the clothes, stuff, etc. or be moved to do too much research (basically copied friends here and there), because I a) was busy and b) Come from a similar culture where you don’t want to put cart before the horse and really want to wait to make sure it’s a happy, healthy baby.
Come to think of it, almost a year in, I’m still not super attached to all the gear/stuff.
Anonymous says
I wasn’t in to the registry stuff either. I also wasn’t into doulas, lactation consultants, or classes either, besides the info I could find myself through research. And we had a positive birth at a hospital, breastfed/pumped for one year (way too long but the pressure is real) and DD was STTN by 2 months. To each his own.
lawsuited says
I actually hate baby stuff but am also Type A so getting the baby stuff felt like being organized and prepared which was a comfortable place to be amidst all the “woah! you can’t even imagine how your life is going to change and how unprepared you are for it!” commentary I was getting. I spent a day and a half deciding what I needed for the first few months and ordering it all online so I could check the box. In the last few weeks of my pregnancy it started to feel more real that I was going to meet my baby soon, and I did enjoy going to a baby store and picking out some newborn clothes.
Anonymous says
This is kind of a weird question, but does anyone find themselves consumed with their kid(s) to the detriment of other relationships? My daughter is almost 1. It’s been a huge surprise to me how obsessed I am with her, because I was on the fence about having kids and only did so under the agreement with DH that he would be the “primary parent” and assume the stereotypical mom role, while I would be the more stereotypical dad. But that all went out the window when our daughter was born. I want to spend every waking moment with her, to the extent that I don’t want to go out alone with DH or see friends, because it takes away from time with daughter. I’m sure I’d feel differently if I didn’t work, but because I work (only 40 hours though) I feel like I have so little time with her while she’s awake and I don’t want to miss a minute of it. Rationally I know I need to nurture friendships and especially my marriage, but it’s just so hard, because being with my daughter is what makes me happiest. Does anyone have any advice?
EB0220 says
I find my reply hilarious given my comment to the post just above this about how I didn’t care about my baby registry. Yes, I was totally obsessed with my daughter when she was born. I had to figure out how to nurture my other relationships during kid’s sleeping hours so I could do so without guilt. So I would get a babysitter to come right after bedtime to go out with a friend or go to a class with my husband. This is still what I do (although now they usually do the bedtime routine because I don’t enjoy that.) It balances my needs pretty well and I’ll say that the feeling has eased with time.
AwayEmily says
I agree that it may be worth dragging yourself out with friends/husband (potentially after kid’s bedtime) even if in the moment it’s the last thing you want to do. I’m always like “blech I’d rather stay home” but I feel mentally so much better after I’ve done it.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t say I feel quite the same way about my kids, but given the choice between hanging out with them vs. any other person, I always would choose them because I work too many hours and am always feeling like we need more time together. I’ll make plans to go to a friend’s birthday party or something and then always need to be talked into actually going by my husband, and I always find it worth it in terms of refreshing adult conversation and camaraderie, not to mention relationships that are necessary for your mental health! It’s not quite the the right way to frame it, but maybe think of it as urgent vs. important.
I also, frankly, wouldn’t explain this to your husband in quite these terms. Perhaps controversial, but I know my husband sometimes feels a little abandoned when I feel tapped out from all that I pour into my kids, if that makes sense.
Anonymous says
Right there with you. My husband once accused me of loving our daughter more than I loved him. I was actually surprised that he thought this was a problem, and that he didn’t also love our daughter more than he loved me.
mascot says
It’s like dating someone new. You are infatuated with them, you spend all your time together, everything is charming. You ignore your friends and cancel plans. And then there is the inevitable fight or business trip or whatever and you are looking around wondering where everyone went. Except with a child, you can’t break up or decide thank you, next. I’m not going to fault you for human nature, but parenting is for life. Don’t lose yourself in this process. You will need those breaks and those relationships. You will be happier for taking care of yourself and this will benefit your child greatly. Focus on quality time, not quantity time for all of these relationships.
Anonanonanon says
This. I had to remind myself that you have to be a friend to have a friend. What I mean by that is I sometimes had to take time away from my kids to go to important events for friends if I didn’t want to wake up one day and notice they were all gone. People stop inviting you to things if you always say “no”. Eventually, your kid gets older and you’re willing to “rejoin” society, only to find out no one is inviting you to because they assume you’re not interested.
My husband and I force ourselves to go out, but we do so after the baby is in bed. The baby goes down really early (around 630 or 7) so it’s easy to make that happen. I feel more comfortable with the sitter (since she’s likely getting paid to watch our cable) and I don’t feel like I’m missing out on time with her.
Another thing I’ve done is offer to host friends in the evening (after baby is in bed). Offering free cheese, wine, and a recently-released movie goes a long way!
OP says
Thanks all – unfortunately the baby is a night owl with an 8:30-9 pm bedtime (we’ve tried moving it earlier, to no avail) and I’m an old lady who wants to be in bed shortly after 9 pm myself, so going out after the baby is in bed isn’t really an option. We do have a few friends with babies/kids and get together regularly as families, so it’s not like I have no contact with adults who are not my husband, but I realize that adults-only time is objectively important too.
Anonymous says
DH and I do a mid-week lunch together for this reason. I have the hour blocked in my calendar. If we really can’t make it or the weather is bad, we at least do a phone call where we talk about zero kid related things.
Mama Llama says
How about weekday lunches? I use that time to check in with friends when I can.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Hi! So I have a very close friend who is in this “obsessed” boat. I don’t think she’s nearly as self-aware as you. She also tends to lie/gloss-over any difficulties with her DD (who is the sweetest girl, and I love her like family), I think to paint herself and her DD as great 24/7 – e.g. I asked how her friend who was sleep training her son was doing and she replies with “I guess I got way lucky because DD slept through at 3 months” (which is a lie because…I remember otherwise). Between her obsession, only wanting to hang/talk about her daughter, and the fact that even as a friend who is a mum, she tends to not be super supportive when it comes to talking through kiddo things, I think it has impacted our friendship, TBH. I know it has impacted her marriage (as all kids do) because DH and her husband are very close, too.
My point of all this is – the fact that you are self aware and making efforts to correct and do other things means you will not let it get too bad :) Just keep checking yourself.
Katarina says
After they are down to one nap, I like a weekend lunch date, mostly during naptime. We don’t have childcare during the week, and a long lunch would just mean I need to stay later at work. I can’t deal with a late night, if we go out in the evening a sitter needs to feed them dinner and put them to bed. I also found it easier after about a year, I think some of it had to do with weaning, but some had to do with how much fun they have with a sitter.
Betty says
Hi there, I was largely in the boat while my kids were tiny. I could not imagine spending one more moment away from them than I had to, and now that they are a bit older (5 and 7), I still adore them. They are hilarious (see anecdotes above), kind and just generally awesome little people. One thing that I realized was that I had to develop a life outside of them. They are amazing but they are extending those amazing little personalities to their friends and school and activities. They are developing their own lives and, in time, I will not be the center of their worlds. That is a good and wonderful thing. When they start to truly live their own lives, I want to make sure that there is a “me” and that I have a life outside of them. I read a great book that discussed one of the best gifts we can give our children is for us, as parents, not to truly “need” our children. My mom is awesome at this. She is retired from an amazing career and lives nearby. My little family is a big part of her life, but we are not the center. I do not feel guilty for saying, thanks for the dinner invite but I just want to crash with my little people on the couch. She is her own amazing person (traveling with friends in Ireland at the moment), and I strive to be the same. While they are itty bitty, soak it up, but don’t loose yourself in the process.
Anonymous says
Drinks/tapas after goes to bed is our go to date night. We eat supper with the kids and puyt them to bed. Sitter comes from 8:30-11:30pm – kids almost always sleep through. We don’t miss time with the kids but getting out of the house for a date night is a great break.
Anonymous says
Therapy. You’ll lose your marriage if you don’t change and ruin your relationship with her. Obsession that is interfering with your life isn’t healthy.
JTX says
I am still experiencing a collapse/expand issue. I cannot expand 6th level replies to comments. For example, for the first comment thread on today’s post (re: early risers) I cannot expand the reply to Mama Llama’s 11:24 A.M. comment. Anyone else experiencing this issue?
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
LADIES! It’s my LAST DAY PUMPING AT WORK FOR DS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He turns 1 on Monday, my freezer stash is almost gone, and I’ve pumped 1x a day at work this week. I know choosing to do this was my choice, and I don’t deserve a medal…but I definitely am patting myself on the back. I’ve already REVELED in how much more productive I feel at work with 1 vs. 2 pumping sessions, and can’t believe I made it through doing 3 sessions the first few months back. Mums in the pumping trenches – see! There is an end in sight!
Thanks for all the tips and support here through the journey — I had posted under a different handle/anon about needing to drop my pre-bed pump session around 10 months and it was a game changer for me. Next time (if I’m so lucky), I will definitely be combo feeding from early on.
Now, how to treat myself…
Mama Llama says
You do deserve a medal! Congratulations and enjoy your newfound time!
OP says
Thank you! Pumping/BF or not, the first year of motherhood is no joke!
And YESSSS to the time and less bags :)
Mama Llama says
I read somewhere (I think in Baby Meets World) that there was someplace in Europe where the town would recognize all the nursing mothers at some annual festival or something. It might have even included a medal, so there is precedent!
AwayEmily says
YAY CONGRATS! Stopping pumping is the best.
AnotherAnon says
Sorry in advance for the negative post. I had asked for advice yesterday about Montessori/DH not wanting to do drop off so I can work 40 hours. So I took a lot of your suggestions, made a fact pattern (eye roll, I know) and went home to discuss it with him. It didn’t go well. I did finally get him to work toward a solution for the immediate problem of what to do with kiddo the week before Christmas when school is out but I need to work. He wants me to get a nanny/sitter. I was pretty mad and went to bed without talking to him. This morning I left early for work and asked him to take kiddo to school – he sarcastically said “yeah. I can. I do it all the time.” I just left. He just texted me asking if he needs to pick up kiddo, I said “no I will.” He responded “ok I’m going hunting.” i’m so mad I could spit. I don’t even know what to do at this point – considering packing up the kid and going to grandmas this weekend.
Anonymous says
I’m still struggling to understand what the official agreement was between you and DH in advance of the switch to Montessori. Did he explicitly agree to do all drop offs? If so, I think you need to hold him to it except in rare circumstances. Did you agree to take it day by day or week by week? Even if he isn’t holding up his end of the bargain, I have the best luck when I approach my DH saying “I want to figure out a way that we can both have what we want. I want you to have your [insert me time activity], and we need to figure out a way to make that happen so that I can still get in my {hours, me-time, etc.].” I mean, even though you’re mad, deep down, you really do want everyone to be happy and have what they need to be sane. Maybe come up with what a week would look like where DH and you switch drop off and pick up once a week so he can do whatever in the mornings…but maybe you don’t come home that day until bedtime and have a marathon day. Just list all the hopes and dreams for a typical week and see where they can fit within the constraints of school, work, etc. You might fit more in than you expect. Maybe he can’t have a morning off each and every week, but maybe he can most weeks. And you might find that you enjoy a day each week to not rush out of the office or to do something fun on your way home from work. I know it is so hard to calm down enough to have these conversations. But if you genuinely come at it from the perspective that all three of you have wants and needs and can work together to fulfill as many of those wants and needs as possible, the outcome will be much better. And if the answer is more help at home and you can afford it, then try it out!
Also, why are you mad about needing a nanny/sitter for a week when school is out? Is his office closed? I know that he has a flexible schedule, but expecting him to not work for that many days is likely unreasonable. Most families would need a backup sitter or nanny in that situation. Unless his office is closed for the holiday, you can’t expect him to shoulder the entire responsibility. I say that as a person who has tons of flexibility (a lawyer who as long as I meet my hours, it is flexible). People (mostly extended family) just assume I don’t have to work all these days and can “make it up”. It’s not that easy.
OP says
I appreciate your perspective: listing out what we each want and need is a good idea. DH did explicitly agree to do drop offs but to him that still means taking it day by day. “I will do drop offs” means “I will do drop offs unless I feel like I need a break or my admin schedules me an early meeting even though I’ve told her not to.” I think that’s one of the big problems. I came to him yesterday and literally said “I want to figure out a way for us to both get what we want” but I think we’re both already so mad that it’s hard to stay calm and have a real conversation about it. I’ll keep trying. I don’t want to get into the whole backstory on child care but basically, he doesn’t want to give buy in on any decisions until there is a problem; then everything is my fault and I need to find a way to fix it. You’re right – hiring help is standard. I know I need to get over that. I just resent that I’m expected to both work and pay for someone to watch my kid while he goes hunting because he will magically not have any meetings scheduled that week.
Anonymous says
Are you looking to be married or not? Why is it just you paying for child care?
Anonymous says
You and your DH need to explore other childcare options – the 8:30-4 Montessori schedule plus a full week before Christmas holidays would be hugely challenging for any family with 2 working parents and it’s not at all surprising that it’s causing tension in yours. Either Montessori plus nanny/sitters or a 6-6 daycare could work. I know you said you tried a 6-6 daycare that was terrible, so task DH with putting together some other 6-6 daycare options and you could explore the nanny/sitters and then consider your options together. I think the root of the problem is that there wasn’t buy-in to the current plan, and while of course every parent has to make sacrifices for their children there is a wide range of opinion amoung parents about how much they’re willing to sacrifice and what they’re willing to sacrifice for. For example, my husband is obsessed with making sure our kid eats unprocessed, home-cooked food and is willing to sacrifice his time to plan and prepare those meals. While I go along with it because I can see some value in his approach and I want to be supprotive, if my husband expected me to take a major role in the execution of what I see as his parenting preference it might not happen.
Sarabeth says
I agree with this. 8:30-4 is way less care than a family with two working parents probably needs. Your husband is being a jerk, but separately from that, there’s a problem. Yes, you can make it work by staggering your schedules, etc – but basically, that means each of you giving up an hour or so each day that you’d otherwise use for work or leisure time. I know that if I tried to do that, it would leave me super stressed – I just don’t have an extra hour in most of my days.
Another Midwest mom says
Yeah, I think this is where I land. I would be so stressed out with an 8:30-4:00 situation. There’s just no way to make that work unless you’re putting in work time at home. You’re operating with a time deficit.
Now, I’d be LIVID about the hunting situation, but it doesn’t sound like your husband is on board with this child care plan and I can’t blame him.
Coach Laura says
I read most of your posts yesterday and with the above, I’d say:
He did the drop off, as requested.
He asked about pick up – didn’t leave you holding the bag.
You didn’t ask him to DO the pick up, so he’s going hunting. If you wanted him to pick up but didn’t say so, that’s passive-aggressive.
You asked him to find a solution for holiday week and he proposed one – sitter/childcare. He doesn’t want to cover the whole week. If I recall, that is what would happen at a day-care with better hours.
My advice – find a better daycare or get a part-time sitter to do the after-school pick up and also to handle vacations/husband absences. I know you like the Montessori and maybe that’s the best choice. If you’re open to it, perhaps ask him to do the leg-work to find a better daycare that you BOTH can agree is a good place. Otherwise, have him do the work to find a sitter.
Do you have a mismatch as to what you think family life should be?
If you are mad that he goes hunting too much or has more time away from the home/child than you do, say that and work through that with good communication skills or therapy. Say “I would like you to be as involved with the running of the household as I am.” or whatever your objection to the hunting is. Or say that you want a more involved partner. Or decide that him happy and hunting for a few months of the year is a good tradeoff. Or calendar out some time for you to do what you want – be it yoga, coffee/drinks with friends, extra sleep where he is in charge of the child and house. Ask for help with emotional labor of parenting if you feel he is delegating too much to outside child care.
I think taking off for the weekend would be harmful until you’ve tried to communicate better.
Anonymous says
I’ll be honest, 8:30-4 would not work for us as a permanent set-up with two working parents. And both of us have flexible jobs. I think you need to re-evaluate this and find a way to work with both of your schedules.
Anonymous says
ETA: Stick around this weekend. Go run errands alone or head to the gym or whatever you do to decompress. Talk when you are calm. But, it would become a big, ugly fight if I thought my partner was taking our kid to storm off to mama’s house to punish me and/or lick his wounds (and maybe tell her all about it).
Anonymous says
“yeah. I can. I do it all the time.” – this is a bit rude but otherwise I think just have your standard routine and agree on how much notice you each need to swap times.
FWIW – during highschool I often babysat for a full week over Christmas holidays for families where the kids school was closed or the nanny was home for the holidays. High schools/colleges/universities are closed for the holidays so you shouldn’t have too hard a time finding a sitter and hopefully they can turn into a regular weekend date night sitter.
I would avoid talking about the issue again until you have both calmed down.
anon says
I’m not sure I have anything productive to add, but the fact that your husband told you he was going hunting, rather than asking, is a red flag to me (even if you didn’t have a child together). When you are in a partnership, it can’t just be about you anymore. Sure, you need to have your things beside your partner, but for him to blatantly tell you he’s doing something, rather than. “Oh ok. Since you are doing that, do you mind if I go hunting?” My husband and I always check with each other when we’re about to make plans to do something. It’s not because we demand to know where each other is at all times; it’s because we respect each other.
Anonymous says
What? Of course you need child care for a week when day care is closed. That’s a reasonable suggestion and it enraged you so much you refused to speak to him? You need to do so self reflection. Making a fact pattern? What even?
Anon says
This.
aelle says
Hope you’re still reading – I went back and read the previous post, and this one, trying to keep an objective eye. I don’t think your husband is unreasonable. I don’t think you’re particularly unreasonable either. You’re experiencing the normal way of working with a 8:30-4 care situation. We have 8:30-5, and it requires a lot of juggling, a lot of communication, and a lot of goodwill. Unfortunately, it seems you and your husband are out of goodwill. The priority needs to be for the 2 of you to get to a place where you can be gracious and generous with one another, and externalizing more care is going to help a ton with that. Maybe when your marriage is in a better place you can make the Montessori-only school work. Or maybe you find that the added comfort of 10+ hours of childcare is worth it even if it’s slightly less than ideal for your child. But really, you need to make your marriage feel like a partnership first.
TTC says
Advice for which prenatal vitamins to take if all other multivitamins I have tried in the past make me nauseous? Not great with big pills, either!
Anonymous says
I’ve heard of OB’s recommending two kids’ vitamins. Take that with a huge (like 3rd hand knowledge) grain of salt, but if you talk to your OB, there could be a different option.
Do you take it at night before bed? I did that in an attempt to sleep through the worst of the vitamin-induced nausea. I was nauseous a lot, but slept well, so I guess it worked.
AwayEmily says
Have you tried the gummy ones? I get the target gummy prenatals and they are a delicious daily treat.
SC says
My OB told me, “Worst case scenario, take the gummy vitamins,” about 5 months into my pregnancy, when I’d been taking the gummy prenatals the whole time. I can’t swallow pills well (it seems genetic, since neither my grandmother nor mother could either).