Budget Thursday: Seamed Colorblock Dress

Society New York is one of Amazon’s fashion brands, and this machine washable dress looks like a great workwear piece. I like that it’s not too fitted — you don’t need to be Spanx-ed to within an inch of your life to wear it — but the shape is still flattering. I like that the colorblock pattern (also flattering) isn’t too Star Trek–y, as well. It’s gotten a couple of reviews so far, which are positive, and it’s eligible for Prime. Seamed Colorblock Dress

Here’s a plus-size option at Nordstrom.

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  1. Anonymous says:

    I’m looking for ways to support DH, who seems to be struggling with the transition to parenthood. He has always had a bit of an anxious nature, which manifests as being his own worst critic at work. In addition, my father is staying with us to help with childcare until our 4mo starts daycare, and DH is feeling displaced (now and fears it will be worse in the future) as the primary male figure in her life.

    I’m doing well, thanks in part to the help we get from my father, although the stress DH feels is starting to affect me. I try to be a good listener and always back DH when it’s the three of us, but I feel powerless to help change the way he feels. DH has talked about seeking therapy and medication, for which I express support, but I have been letting him take the lead and he has not yet followed through to schedule anything.

    Any advice from those who have been there?

    • Sabba says:

      Others will have better advice, but one thing that helped me is another mom saying “It took 9 months to grow the baby. It is going to take AT LEAST that long for your life to fall into a new rhythm of normal again.” I think the same goes for your marriage. You probably both need more sleep and understanding and compassion (you, 2x more) and that is just so, so, so hard with an infant. Eventually the baby will sleep better and go to bed early and you will have your evenings back and more time for each other. Your life won’t always be like it is today, though that can be hard to see through the fog of new parenthood.

      Also, you didn’t mention any issues with gardening, but DH and I listened to The Parent’s Guide to Doing It from the Longest, Shortest Time Podcast. It was excellent and went over so many of the common questions and issues new parents are facing. That can be such a big deal for men, so I don’t know if that would help.

    • I’m really glad to hear your husband is considering therapy and/or medication – post partum depression for men is a real thing and a lot of people seem hesitant to address it. Sounds like you’re doing everything right. Since you said the stress is starting to affect you, make sure you don’t become his therapist by default and ensure that you’re getting the support you need as well.

      And I agree with everything Sabba says!

    • POSITA says:

      I don’t think what you’re going through is uncommon. After our first was born my husband was diagnosed with high blood pressure after having some scary symptoms. He had to go on meds for a few months. He had really internalized a lot of the changes and his blood pressure was evidence of his enormous stress level. I’d love to tell you that we did something magical to make it better, but we just kept moving forward. The baby got bigger. Things got easier. He went off the blood pressure meds after about 6 months and has been fine since.

      We had stress again when we added number two, but it didn’t seem to cause the same reaction. I think it really helped for him to know that babies are hard, especially for that first year, but it really is temporary. You just have to tough your way through infanthood the best you can (accepting and asking for any help that you can). Eventually you end of with a toddler, regardless of whether you did a good job with your infant or not, and things get a bit easier.

      • Anonanonanon says:

        I’m about to have my second and my husband’s first, and last time it seemed SO HARD for me but now I have the perspective that, as you mentioned, it’s temporary. Back then if you said “yea it’s going to be really hard for a year” I would have broken down and cried. Now I’m like “ok yea it’s a miserable year, but you just power through and then it’s over”. I really, really need to make sure I keep in mind the fact he won’t have that perspective yet.

  2. Anon in NYC says:

    Not sure if others saw this, but since there are always so many discussions on travel with kids, I wanted to share it: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/09/12/travel/a-family-travel-playbook-make-plans-prepare-to-let-them-go.html?_r=0

    • Jeffiner says:

      That’s beautiful, thank you. My husband and I agreed to keep traveling the world even after we’ve had kids, and it is definitely worth it.

  3. This isn’t parenting-related exactly, but posting here because you guys are nice. I’ve finally come to realize that my husband is depressed, and probably has been on and off for years. I don’t have any experience with mental illness so I haven’t really been treating it with the attention it probably deserves. He’s very high-functioning in the sense that he has a regular job and started a business, works out regularly, eats healthy, doesn’t abuse drugs/alcohol. But he says that he regularly thinks about harming himself and I’ve finally realized that a lot of his snippy comments come from a dark place. Can anyone recommend resources for me to learn more about to depression? I’m sure I’m saying some things wrong just from lack of knowledge. And, more philosophically – what is the line? How much slack do you pick up for a partner with mental health challenges? How much do you forgive? How can you be there for them and give them hope while at the same time drawing boundaries for yourself? I probably need a therapist myself, but I really just had this epiphany last night so I’m looking for any advice/resources at this point. Thank you thank you!!

    • Anonanonanon says:

      I’m sorry you are going through this, but I’m glad you’re looking for resources to help.
      As someone who has struggled with clinical depression in the past (luckily medication gave me the oomph I needed to make some big lifestyle/life changes that allow me to function much better and I’m off the medication), and who was once married to someone with largely unresolved PTSD/Depression, I’m going to offer some advice. It’s based on my experience alone, and I hope it doesn’t offend anyone.

      I truly believe depression is, at its core, clinical. It is a chemical imbalance, like having Type 1 diabetes. However, like with any clinical condition, there is some responsibility to manage it. I think that for too long I gave my ex-husband a pass on not seeking or accepting help for his condition and working to manage it, even after he acknowledged it. I felt guilty and horrible for feeling irritated that he wouldn’t take action, but at some point I realized that I wouldn’t feel guilty and horrible for being irritated if he, say, was binging on sugar and was diabetic and kept getting sick from it and refused to go to the doctor.

      That’s my long way of saying that, honestly, the line/how much slack you pick up is different for everyone, and is entirely dependent on you and your situation, and I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to that. For me, I am willing to pick up A LOT of the slack if I feel like a partner is actively taking steps to manage whatever is causing me to have to pick up that slack. And I think it’s entirely fair to communicate to him that you want to be supportive/do what you need to do to allow him to get the help he needs (ie pick up more/most of the burden at home), but that he has to be taking steps to receive that help.

      Please, as you move down this path and ya’ll embark on this journey, don’t forget your own oxygen mask.

    • For learning, if you want something more discursive and philosophical, Andrew Solomon’s The Noonday Demon is really good. For a more nuts and bolts approach to the basics, I liked Francis Mondimore’s Depression The Mood Disease, although I imagine the medication info in it may be getting out of date.

      Does he think about killing himself or is it more cutting or something like that? Suicidal thoughts in particular are not something to take lightly, but either way he needs professional help.

      You might look into the National Alliance for the Mental Ill and their support groups. I attended one for depressed people for a bit in grad school and found it helpful. They have classes and resources for family members too.

    • I’ve dealt with the severe depression of two close people in my life – my brother, and my husband.

      It surfaced with my brother about 15 years ago. It was no secret that he was depressed, but my parents and the rest of the family had taken a, ‘let’s just give him space, he needs some time to adjust to college, we don’t want to be too nosy’ approach and kept financially supporting him even after he dropped out of college, and stopped responding to calls or other communication from family. So one day I showed up at his door (I was 25, he was 23) and told him that he was moving out, and moving in with me. I gave him rules: you can live rent free for 3 months, but during that time you need to see a doctor and find a job. When I got him, he was down to about 120 lbs because he was too depressed to go out and get food; he also played video games for 20 hours at a time so he was on this bizarre 20 hours up / 15 hours sleep schedule that didn’t correspond to a normal day. I was all up in his business for those 3 months, but it eventually worked. He’s a bio-statistician now.

      With my husband, who was more high-functioning but harder to deal with because our lives were so intertwined, I didn’t plan to intervene but one night I just got fed up and told him he needed to get his sh*t together because I was tired of carrying the full weight of the family. The angry confrontation surprised him but also kind of kicked his brain from sluggish into more responsive; I set up a doctor’s appointment for him and secured his promise that he would go and would follow all of her recommendations. That one’s still a work in progress because his mental illness is complicated by alcohol abuse, but the meds have really helped and we’re making achingly slow progress on the alcohol front.

      tl/dr: a compassionate but forceful demand for change has worked for me twice.

      • Anonymous says:

        1. You’re a wonderful sister.

        This comment, the OP’s, and a conversation I had with my husband last night (and others over the last several months) are really making me wonder whether my husband also needs more intervention. My husband generally acknowledges he feels really “down” about a lot of things, occasionally his temper gets the best of him (more in a storming around and yelling kind of way, not physically abusive), that he should probably drink less, and that it would be a good idea to take advantage of the mental health professional available at his place of employment. But he hasn’t actually managed to do it. He has a great job that he does well at, is a very involved parent, exercises, has friends and hobbies, and really looks like he has everything together to the average observer. He blames his lack of follow-through on “ADD” (which is his idea, not actually diagnosed or treated).

        We have young kids, full time jobs, we’re tired, we’re stretched thin. How do you know when this is something you should actually take action on, and when it is “just a phase”?

        • Rainbow hair gets at this a little below – depression lies to your brain. My husband is, at heart, a generous person and an involved parent. Before he began meds, his depression was keeping him from realizing those best parts of himself. It frustrated him too – he felt incapable of taking the actions that would get him out of his fog.

          It sounds like your husband has some self awareness about this, but this point, even though he seems to be holding things together, his brain may not be letting him take that next step. The next time he brings it up the workplace option, you could try saying, “I will make you an appointment if you promise to go and to follow whatever they recommend.” If he pushes back, hit a little harder – “I can’t support the storming around and yelling. I don’t want the kids learning that it’s okay for dads to yell at Mom.”

    • Rainbow Hair says:

      I’ve been the depressed spouse. One of the evil tricks about depression is that it makes the things you need to do to fix it seem impossible and futile. “Make an appointment with a therapist,” logic says. “No one takes my insurance, everyone is trying to convert me to Christianity*, I don’t have time for therapy anyway, the therapist I saw 20 years ago was dumb, I’m too tired to talk to anyone,” says depression. “Exercise always makes you feel better,” logic says. “Oh so you hate my body now too? Anyway what’s the point? And when on earth would I find time?” says depression. Etc. etc.

      Things that helped: my husband’s infinite patience and gentle suggestions. He encouraged me to get help in really practical ways, like saying “it’s fine to come home after baby’s bedtime if that’s when the appointment is – taking care of yourself is key.” Or “yes, go to the gym after work! I’ll have dinner waiting for you when you come home.”

      Things that he could have done better (I’m not mad, but if you want ideas): stepped up with the logistics of finding professionals who can help. We both hate making those kinds of phone calls, but I wish I didn’t have to hear ‘no we can’t help you’ so damn many times.

      Finally, don’t let him be snippy to you. Boundaries matter. I appreciate that you’re trying to be empathetic, but you do not have to let anyone be mean to you. Hugs. You’ll get through this! <3

      *no hate, but this is bizarrely true of mental health professionals where I live.

      • Katala says:

        So true about depression talking you out of getting help. It’s not necessarily resistance/lack of follow through – it’s a symptom.

        Also true about finding a therapist (the depression makes it seem worse/harder/futile), it may take several tries to find someone who clicks. And when each attempt takes 20 phone calls, that’s really, really hard for a depressed person to accomplish.

        If you have an EAP available, I recommend using them as an initial resource. They should be able to give you a list of therapists that take your insurance (gathering this info may be something you can do for him). Then, don’t overthink it. Just call down the list until you find someone with availability and go try. I’m such a planner/researcher, so when I was noticing symptoms post-baby I kept trying to research who had experience with PPD, etc. The right experience may be helpful but it’s more important to get the ball rolling than to pick the “perfect” therapist.

        Hugs, good luck!

    • Thank you, all. I really appreciate your kind and realistic thoughts on this. I have down times like anyone else, but I just cannot truly empathize with how this feels so your personal experiences are really helpful to me. I’ll look into the resources you mentioned as well.

  4. I asked for advice on avoiding falling asleep during night feeds a few weeks ago and I’m back with an update. Things are much better, we have been letting baby fall asleep in our bed and then transferring him to the sidecar, we also switched up the pajamas ahd swaddle. Last nights, I slept from 8:30 to 5:30 with only two feeds overnight. He is nursing for a shorter amount of time over night which I’m hoping means he doesn’t need to eat so often and will start sleeping longer? He is 6 weeks, 12lbs so should be able to go longer than 2.5 hours. We’ve been getting out everyday with the carrier for lunches, coffees, and walks and I find his sleep and my mood is much better.

    Also, PSA, the haakaa pump is amazing, I was pretty full this am so used it on one side while I fed Baby on the other and got loads of milk with no discomfort.

    • Anon in NYC says:

      I think by around 8 weeks my daughter had dropped down to 1 session overnight. So, it’s possible!

    • Anonanonanon says:

      Thank you for the reminder that getting out every day really does make a difference. I didn’t do that enough with my first and it contributed to the rough time I had. I need to promise myself I’ll do better this time, for my own sake!

      • It is huge, we’ve been to buggy walks, my office, meet ups with friends, and with the other moms in my childbirth class as well as more boring places like Ikea and Aldi. I also have an open door for visitors.

    • bluefield says:

      If you want your baby to go longer between feedings, you could try stretching it out during the day. If the baby eats every 2.5 hrs, try stretching to 2.75 hrs for a few days, then 3 hrs, etc., until you get to 4 hr stretches. It’s self-reinforcing – the longer they wait, the hungrier they’ll be, the more they’ll eat, the longer they’ll be able to go until the next feeding. By 12 weeks they should be able to go 4 hrs during the day without eating (so says the 12 weeks to 12 hours book)

      • I disagree a bit – I think feeding more often during the day can help get more calories in so baby sleeps longer at night. But different things probably work for different kids.

        Babies don’t even know the difference between night and day before 6 weeks (I think?), so I think you are doing fine. My son was eating 1x/night around 8 weeks I think. Just keep in mind there will be regressions, so don’t panic if suddenly things get worse again, say, around 4 months.

      • Just anecdotally, I met someone who was trying to follow the 12 weeks to 12 hours and it went very badly. The baby stopped gaining weight and it was a lot of work to get his hunger cues back to normal.

        Around 8 weeks I started waking my baby up for a feed around 11, and then she’d sleep until 7. (Most nights she went to sleep around 7:30). But during the day she nursed every 90 minutes until I went back to work at 7 months.

    • Anonymous says:

      I got the longest sleep by leaning into the evening cluster feeding. I used to put on netflix, nurse baby until sleep on one side, let baby sleep on nursing pillow across my middle while I watched netflix., wake baby an hour later and nurse on the other side. Did that two or three times and usually got 6 hours sleep afterwards. So cluster feed 6-10pm, sleep 10pm-4am (ish), feed again at 4am and sleep until 7am approx.

  5. I made it to the top three of a public sector recruitment for a unicorn job. Interview went well last friday, and I was told I would hear back by phone this friday.
    Is that actually a realistic timeframe in the public sector? If so, my referenves have not been contacted so I’m losing hope.

    • Anonanonanon says:

      I’m in government and when I’m hiring and tell someone they’ll “hear back” from us, that next call is a “hi this is anonanonanon calling from government! I wanted to touch base and let you know that we’d like to move forward in the hiring process, for the ____position with you. The next step is for me to contact your references, and I wanted to check in with you first in case you needed to give them a heads up”.
      So our process is usually:
      -in-person interview
      -“we’d like to move forward” phone call
      -reference checks
      -asking for pay stubs, etc.
      -working with our business office to determine salary, getting that approved by the state, etc.
      -verbally offering salary to the candidate, verbally discussing start date
      -conducting a background check and waiting for the results
      -THEN we issue a formal offer letter

    • octagon says:

      They may contact you by Friday to ask you to contact your references. I probably wouldn’t expect an offer by Friday. But, if they follow a fiscal calendar that ends 9/30, there is a decent chance they are working to get an offer to you by the end of the month.

  6. Katala says:

    Funny, first thing I thought about this dress was Star Trek! Not a bad thing IMO.

  7. ADD/ADHD versus just being 4? says:

    So we had our first parent/teacher conference of the year last week for Pre-K (4 y.o.) and my daughter’s teacher kept emphasizing how she had a hard time sitting still, had a hard time concentrating, and was disruptive. I asked her “are you telling me you think there’s an issue like ADD?” and she kept dancing around it and said she couldn’t diagnose, etc., but ultimately it was clear to me that she thinks there’s an issue. So that’s my question – at 4 years old, when is there an issue that needs a medical consult, and when is it just being 4 and what is the breaking point? Yes, my daughter definitely has the wiggles when we eat dinner, but she can do imaginative, independent play for hours. She’s not done tremendously well in the past with team sports like soccer, but is doing gymnastics now and seems to be able to follow directions and participate 90% of the time during the hour long class. It’s clear she’s not the best listener or a quiet child, but am I being “that parent” to think that the jump to ADD seems, well, intense? Thoughts? Anecdotes?

    • Anonymous says:

      Sounds like she’s just being four. Does she get outside much? We make a point of walking our 6 year old to school even though it’s a PITA with our schedules because she does SO MUCH better on the days that she gets fresh air and walk before school. Could you help her burn off some energy in the morning with a dance party after breakfast so she’s better able to sit still at school?

      • ADD/ADHD versus just being 4? says:

        Actually, that’s a really good point. This week has been particularly bad (which is one of the reasons I’m thinking the teacher’s views may be skewed based on recency bias) because they’ve not had any outdoor time because of Hurricane Irma. Maybe we need to be more concerted in our efforts to “exercise” her before school.

      • Edna Mazur says:

        Aren’t all three/four year olds ADD/ADHD? I had a friend tell me that their pediatrician couldn’t event diagnose or treat it until five +. Was/is your daughter in a very structured daycare setting? I’ve noticed at things like story time, soccer, etc. you can tell the kids who are coming from a more structured setting and those who are not (raises hand) as the latter have a harder time with being still, following group type directions (take turns, stand in line, etc) than those who have to do it in daycare.

        Agree with Anonymous though, my kids definitely act up when they don’t get enough exercise, and outdoor exercise is for some reason better than indoor as well. Winter is tough yo.

    • You could be describing my kid, except he’s a 7-year-old boy.

      I’m not going to sugarcoat it: There were some really rough times in pre-K and kindergarten. First grade started out rough, but slowly got better. And now at 7, we have way more good days than bad. He’s still not the best listener and he’s never going to be that quiet, complacent child, but he’s doing well in school and can actually sit still now. Team sports were a total bust until age 6.

      These days, little kids are expected to do SO MUCH, including sitting still in the classroom for longer than many are capable of. I agree with the previous poster that lots of exercise is really important for this type of kid. It’s reasonable for the teachers to have expectations, but they can’t be unreasonable given the child’s maturity level, and they need to be part of the solution. I can’t emphasize that enough.

      I don’t think it hurts to raise your concerns with your child’s ped, but age 4 is awfully young for any kind of diagnosis.

      Good luck! It is not easy to parent a high-energy kid, that’s for sure. It has brought me to my knees many times over the past few years.

    • layered bob says:

      I just do not think that it is good for most 4 year olds to sit still very long. Some 4 year olds can be distracted, coerced, shamed, etc. into sitting still and not being “disruptive,” and there are a few who are just very good at it and happy to sit quietly, but most of them shouldn’t.

      So I would say if the pre-K program is expecting her to sit still or pay attention to something not of her own choosing for longer than 5-7 minutes, it is not a good fit. My daughter (similar age) can sit quietly for a very long time on her own initiative, but I don’t expect her to do it at my direction except once a week during church (which is only successful if we wear.her.out on the playground before the service).

      • I was going to say something similar. I can’t imagine a 4 year old sitting still for very long. Actually doing things is the best way to learn at that age.

        At this age, I would absolutely ignore her insinuation that your child might have ADD. If I got feedback like you did, I would research the heck out of what is developmentally appropriate for a 4 year old. The team sport thing – honestly 4 years old is pretty young to be able to work together as a team. I don’t plan on starting my little one (currently 2.5) in team sports until he’s at least 5. It’s great your daughter has taken to gymnastics!

    • I would ask what they think you should do about it, or “how should we address this?” (We meaning you the family and the teachers together as a team). In my son’s class, for example, there were kids that sat on vibrating bumpy pads during circle time, which can help make it easier for kids to sit still. Trying to figure out when your daughter is likely to be disruptive and if there are consistent themes, like she has trouble with transitions (okay all kids do) or something could be helpful. Not sure what the process is like where you are, but getting evaluated for interventions is not necessarily a bad thing – particularly if you are heading into public school, it can mean a lot of extra attention and help for your kid, and it may be easier to go through that now than in K. My answer is predicated on the teacher being reasonably well versed in child development and the range of normal, which I realize can’t always be assumed. Either way, I think you have to assume the teacher is saying this is causing problems for her, and it would be in your child’s best interest to try to address this – if nothing else, you don’t want the teacher to start thinking of your kid as A Problem.

    • Anonymous says:

      My dad’s a school psychologist — four year olds should NEVER be diagnosed with ADD (there are some very strong arguments that nobody should be diagnosed until 12 or something, but yeah right). The earliest a kid can get a diagnosis is 5.

      I would go back to your teacher and ask her to compare your daughter to the boys in class. Is she more wiggly and active than them? Because a “high” active girl may be more like a “medium” boy. If she’s comparing your daughter to other girls you may be getting a false reading.

      Is your kid just not calm or is your kid actively disrupting other kids? Those are two different things and need to different responses.

      That said, girls are often wildly underdiagnosed for ADD, so I’d also thank the teacher and say you’ll keep an eye on it.

  8. Would love some thoughts on emotional development. My almost 4 year old was a happy go lucky kid until around 2.5 (about the same time we had another baby- I had the baby when ODD was 2.9). She was a bit clingy for a while when the baby was born, but really did well getting over it. She started a new preschool the fall after the baby was born and started dance class and loved both. Then around Christmas time, she fell into this…clingy, withdrawn funk. She learned the word “shy” and decided she was shy and from that day forward she’s been timid, bashful around adults, hides from her preschool friends when she sees them in public, hides behind me and/or pulls on my clothes when people talk to her. And yet, sometimes, she’s smilely and friendly and looks people in the eye.

    At one point she just stopped wanting to go into dance class (after months of loving it), bursting into tears and crying saying she was too shy. WTF. We rode it out and kept bringing her to class and finally, after 5 weeks of sitting on the sidelines, she just…got up and did it. And never had an issue again. And then this year, dance starts and all of a sudden she’s too shy to go into the room– until her two friends from dance class run up to her and they all start goofing around and then the go in when the teacher calls them.

    And now, preschool has started and she just goes in every day and whines that she doesn’t want me to leave. I give her the choice of leaving preschool or staying by herself, and she always wants to stay–just doesn’t want me to leave. She always says she “doesn’t know what to do” and doesn’t want to do any of the activities that are set up. My daughter- who has had great dropoffs her entire life (she started daycare at 4 months), is now the kid that cries and the teacher has to comfort. This started up at the tail end of last year and came back full force this year.

    She’s also much more whiney and clingy at home, sleeps a lot more (formerly got up at 7am, now sleeping until 8:45 or later–i have to wake her!- no changes in bedtime), and if she were a teenager I’d suspect she was depressed. But once I’m out of the picture and she is in her groove at school or dance, she’s great! She’s a leader and gets along great with her friend group.

    Is this just a normal developmental thing? Will she grow out of being painfully shy around people she knows well when she sees them? I thought it was a phase but we’re going on 6-8 months strong of this. Her peers (and younger- she’s one of the older kids in her class) seem to be friendly and able to rally a group of kids at the playground. Mine sits and tells me she will only play with the other kids if THEY ask HER.

    If this isn’t normal– is this something to bring up to the ped? I’m going to talk to her preschool teachers at pickup today to see what they think. FWIW I carve out dedicated Mom and Kid time, eithe rweekends or afternoons when I have the day off and baby is napping. I’ve even gotten a sitter for baby so Kid and me and do fun stuff. Baby (now 14 months) is going to start developing a complex of her own soon if I’m not careful with the amount of attention I give Kid.

    i’ve also read siblings without rivalry and the acknowledging/talking about feelings stuff really does seem to work. Started reading it when she started hitting/getting physical with her little sister a few months back.

    • Blueberry says:

      To me, this seems to be on the shy side of normal. My son is a bit like this. I try to lean into the clingy-ness even when it seems to be more than expected from my 4-year-old, which it sounds like you are doing. I’d definitely talk to the teachers about it but recommend NOT talking about it in front of her. If you start labeling her as shy, she starts to identify as “shy” and it becomes a self-fulfilling thing. Maybe see if they can have a quick meeting with you outside of pick-up and drop-off time.

    • I don’t have a 4yo so no ability to comment other whether this is normal / appropriate. But I asked a similar question a while back about my 2yo, and this group gave the good advice to describe the action rather than attributing it to a personality trait – so, kid is acting shy or feeling shy vs. being a shy person. Might help re-frame it for her if she hears you talk about it in those terms?

    • Anonymous says:

      Honestly it sounds like she may be developing a little bit of social anxiety. Try acting out “scripts” with her toys, using lots of words for naming feelings (good and bad — teach her “elated”), try to help her differentiate between excited and anxious, do “after action” reports of things that went well and ways to do something better. You can also tell her you expect her to at least say hello and goodbye to people she knows no matter what.

      Also, she could just be acting like a “baby” around you as a form of sibling push back. I might lean in to that giving her time to have special mommy snuggles / watching movie time that isn’t predicated on her being a “big kid.”

  9. Family resort for Christmas says:

    Hoping for some suggestions for nice resort hotels or condo rentals for my family from Christmas-New Years. We are two adults, two 2-year-olds, and my parents will probably come. Ideally, somewhere that feels like a nice resort (maybe even with kiddie pool) and has a beach. We were thinking Florida or maybe closer part of Caribbean, but I don’t know the areas well and have no idea what the hurricanes have meant for the region.

    Would appreciate any thoughts!

  10. avocado replying to Jen says:

    My very independent daughter went through a clingy phase at drop off around age 4.5. I literally had to pry her off of my leg, shove her into the classroom, close the door, and walk away quickly. There were also a lot of kids who cried and refused to go into ballet class from the 3.5-year-old class all the way through the 5-year-old class. So I would say that some episodes of clinging as are normal up through kindergarten age. I echo the advice not to allow your daughter to label herself as shy, and would take it a step farther and not allow her to label the feelings or behavior as shy. Instead I would describe the feeling something like “wanting to take things slow today” or “needing some time to settle in.” With mine, the key was getting myself out of the situation as quickly as possible–she would usually quit fussing as soon as I was gone. Greeting one of her friends so the friend would come over and interact with her also helped.

  11. so very anon for this says:

    Can you ladies talk to me about having a better attitude about sex with your partner post-baby? We have a 6-month old, and since I’ve gotten the “all clear” after birth we have been having sex maybe every 3 weeks. I don’t think that is TERRIBLE for new parents (we were at 1-2x per week before pregnancy), and while I enjoy it during the act, I find myself really annoyed at having to make time for it. For instance, we had been suggesting to each other for like a week that we should, but each of us had a reason each night to put it off. Then last night we did, and while it was great in the moment, I had to rush to do all of our nighttime chores to make time, and today I’m tired and can’t help but be mad that I lost an hour and a half of sleep for it. Which I know is terrible; I love my husband and want to be intimate. But I am so, so very tired right now, and it feels sort of like “lost time,” as if I had stayed up late watching a TV show or something. Any tips on re-framing this in my head?

    • Blueberry says:

      I think most of us have been there — at least your experience reminds me of my own — so at least don’t feel like there’s something wrong with you. No advice really. It gets better as kids get older.

    • also anon says:

      I would pick a set day each week and just suck it up and do it that day without fail and without excuse. Somehow being able to plan for it helps.

      • also anon says:

        “Then last night we did, and while it was great in the moment, I had to rush to do all of our nighttime chores to make time, and today I’m tired and can’t help but be mad that I lost an hour and a half of sleep for it. ”

        Actually, I’m going to come back to this sentence. I’m not clear on why you lost an hour and a half of sleep. Is it because your chores took that long or because gardening took that long? If chores, you need to lower your standards or your husband needs to help you more (and you can put it in terms of if he helps you more he gets laid more). If gardening, maybe get some gardening tools or something so that it doesn’t take that long. There is a time and a place for marathon gardening sessions, but it is not when you have a six month old– unless you both want that, in which case, carry on.

        • +1. Weekend naptimes might work better here if you prefer longer sessions that don’t cut into sleep. Because on weeknights, sleep wins over just about anything for me.

        • so very anon for this says:

          Oh, sorry – the act itself probably took like half an hour or so, which is usual for us (but maybe we need to speed things up? IDK). But in the lead up we both wanted to shower, which we usually do in the morning, and perhaps TMI but I have to pump beforehand to avoid spraying during it. And then it takes me a while longer than usual afterwards to fall asleep.

          I feel like the solution as bluefield suggests below is to schedule during naptime on weekends. Right now that time always feels precious because I want to get stuff done (extra work from the week, the ongoing project of cleaning out our basement, cooking for the upcoming week…). But maybe we just have to schedule the time together for it not to feel like an inconvenience or an intrusion into our schedule.

          • Anon in NYC says:

            I think, at 6 months, you guys are doing the best you can. Personally, I wasn’t super into it for close to a full year even after getting the all clear at 6 weeks. I didn’t have huge hormonal shifts with nursing or weaning, but there was definitely something hormonal happening because my interest picked up when I started dropping pumping sessions and when I stopped nursing. Also, even these days, with a toddler and early mornings for both of us, sleep is pretty high on our priority list.

    • bluefield says:

      You could try for weekend day during baby’s naps.

      • anonforthis says:

        This is a good idea. I may need to try to make that work. Usually weekend unicorn naptime (when BOTH kids sleep at the same time for more than 30 mins) is for work, or parent naps if we’re particularly exhausted. But so is post-bedtime. Sigh, my poor husband.

        • bluefield says:

          You could also try putting on a movie, strapping kids in to the extent possible (my 3 yo will sit in her high chair to watch a movie, younger kids may be content in a pack n play or a stroller), and locking the door.

    • anonforthis says:

      I wish I could help, no advice since you’re doing much better than I am. But you are not alone. I have close to zero interest. I do want to be intimate, but the energy and time required for gardening is such a precious resource right now. I can’t see where to get the extra needed for regular gardening. I’m sure it will get better with time though!

    • Anonymous says:

      Make time for flirting. It will help you be excited when you make time for s3x. Take time to squeeze his hand, remind him that you love him with a little more physical touch. Even if not s3x, it will help both of you. (I agree with everyone’s other comments regarding how difficult post-baby s3x is though!)

    • Anonymous says:

      The only times I’ve actually wanted to garden since my youngest (13 months) was born were when we were on vacation. At home, there are too many other things to do, and they’re not going to do themselves. I try telling my husband that if he would turn of the #($&* video games and help me get all the chores done, AND get into bed at a reasonable time, he might have better luck. Instead, he’s all “I washed the dishes!” and gets all pouty when we finally get into bed at almost midnight after I’ve done a ton of laundry, packed the kids school bags, laid out my clothes for the next day, made my lunch, and did NOT vacuum the dining room or clean the bathroom or scoop the litter box, even though all of that really needs to be done (and litter box is “his” chore!). Not to mention the things that are already queueing up in my head for the next day/rest of the week. I also enjoy it in the moment, but in general I feel like s3x is just another chore that requires my input, and frankly I have more than enough of those.

      So, no advice, but lots of commiseration, and reassurance that you’re completely normal.

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