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anon says
at what age would you feel comfortable with leaving your kid alone in the house?
anon says
I would be curious about both when they are asleep and awake, and for what lengths of time
RR says
For actual leaving (to the store, to take youngest to swim, etc.–an hour or two at a time), we started around 11 with our twins. They had explicit instructions and had to respond to all texts.
Just leaving while I work outside or something? I’d leave my 6 year old alone no problem–even when she was 5.
Anonymous says
Age 10 – short periods of time like when I run to the store for an hour and the store is less than ten minutes drive. I would want to feel comfortable that they would not answer the door, would know how to call me, would know how to call a friend or neighbor if they can’t reach me, and would know how to get out of the house if there was a fire.
Probably age 12 for longer periods like if DH and I went out for dinner. It very much depends on the kid. DD is pretty responsible. DS is way less responsible than DD was at the same age so he’ll be later for sure.
Anon Lawyer says
The phone thing makes me wonder (since I just have a baby) – do parents of older kids keep landlines for this now? Or get a very basic cellphone before their kids are mature enough for a smart phone?
Anonymous says
I keep a landline. I’ve had babysitters forget their phone, I lose my phone all the time because my kids wander off with it… It just makes me feel better to have one always in the kitchen.
Anon says
Probably an unpopular opinion in the modern parenting era, but my parents left me alone for short stretches (like to go to the store) starting when I was 7. I was responsible and knew what to do in an emergency. I will do the same with my kids if they’re similarly responsible. I wasn’t left alone for a whole evening until I was maybe 11-12 and I was never left alone overnight.
Anon says
I have a 7 year old. I could leave him alone for short periods of time. He’s not naughty or liable to get into anything crazy. But we don’t have a house phone! I don’t know how he would call 911 in the event of an emergency. It is a weird unintended consequence of only have a cell phone.
Anon says
Old cell phones can still call 911 even if not connected to service. You could also get a cheap flip phone for calling you/911.
Anonymous says
I got a land line for this reason. It’s a base unit in my office with 2 hands free units- one in the kitchen and one in the family room. The base unit has speed dials with pictures of who it calls (for my oldest who can totally read but in case she panics, as well as for my other kids). I got it in case something happens to me while the kids are home.
Seafinch says
We kept a house phone for exactly this reason and I also have left my seven year old alone for up to an hour. She is now nine and I would stretch to a couple of hours. My six year old isn’t ready but soon.
Anonymous says
I started staying at home alone at 8 and had planned to do the same with my kids. HOWEVER, in our state it is illegal until age 10. Having seen some friends’ brushes with CPS, I don’t think I could take the risk even with a very responsible child. That said, we definitely do yard work with our 4 year old inside the house and 1 year old napping.
avocado says
I have a 13-year-old. We started leaving her alone for a few minutes at age 9. We would have started earlier, but she wasn’t comfortable with it. We gradually extended the time to a couple of hours by the time she was 11. When she turned 12, she started coming home on the school bus to an empty house. When she was 12.5, she started putting herself on the bus in the morning after we’d left for work.
We still haven’t had occasion to leave her home alone while asleep. I would probably do it now for a short period of time, like an early-morning workout, only if she were OK with it and had advance warning, so she wouldn’t wake up to an empty house and freak out.
We did not let anyone outside of the family know that we were leaving her alone before age 12, and we were very cautious about letting her go places by herself before that age as well. The informal rule in our state is that kids need to be 12 to be left alone. When she was 10 or 11, we had an incident where some busybodies in a Target thought she was an unattended 8-year-old and nearly called security.
Even at 13, she is not allowed to have friends over while home alone, or to go over to a friend’s house while the parents are not home. There is one friend for whom we make an exception to this rule when they are working on a school project and will only be unsupervised for a short time. We have known this kid and her family since the girls were in kindergarten and are pretty sure that the two kids will behave themselves together. But in general, multiple unsupervised teens are much more likely to get into trouble than just one.
Pogo says
I think in MA there is an actual law that says you can’t leave them alone before age 10.
DLC says
We’ve left our 8 year old at home a couple times for 20-30 mins while we took a walk around the block, but that is all that any of us feel ready for right now.
Piggybacking question: for those who leave their kids at home (or who were left at home as a child), what kind of rules or systems do you have in place for your child, and what kind of skills do you make sure to teach them before you leave them at home by themselves? Our kid knows how to use the landline, knows our phone numbers, address, and knows to go to the neighbors if anything is wrong. I feel like maybe there are other things we should make sure she knows.
EP-er says
I would add to that list:
1. Keep the door locked/don’t answer the door
2. Know how/when to call the emergency lines
3. Understand how to evacuate, especially if you have a two story home
4. Rules around appliances (Can they use the microwave/stove/toaster or are those off limits?)
5. Any rules for checking in? (If they get home from school and you aren’t there, what’s the expectation for letting you know?)
6. Are they allowed to leave the house & play outside while home alone?
So Anon says
Our local rec program offers a class for kids beginning to stay home alone for 3rd – 5th graders. My son (9) attended this fall, and he is allowed to stay home along while his younger sister and I go to the grocery store that is 5 minutes away. I’m comfortable leaving him for about an hour. He is a pretty responsible and reasonable kid. His younger sister, however, is a different story. I’m not sure I will feel comfortable leaving her until she is 10 or 11. In terms of leaving them alone in the house while I am out in the yard, I do it by necessity all the time to mow the lawn in the summer or snow blow the driveway in the winter.
Anon says
that’s great that they offer a class for that. feel like sometimes it can be nice to hear the rules from someone other than the parents
Anonymous says
I would totally leave my 6.5 year old home alone while I zipped down the road to pick up her sister at preschool which is .5 miles away. I don’t because…well, society says 6.5 is too young. But we’ve talked about what to do in an emergency, she knows how to use the landline to call for help, we live on a main road where if anything happened she could walk into the front yard and get help, and she knows all the neighbors. If I left her for the preschool pickup, I’d be back in 15-20 minutes. I could 100% trust her not to cook or do anything crazy in that time.
I’ll probably actually leave her alone for bits of time around 7/8. Not for more than an hour or so and certainly not if we didn’t have a landline. My middle probably won’t be left alone until she’s 21.
mascot says
9 and up is age is my state. My kid is good about touching base on both our landline and text messages/Facetime on the iPad and happy to chill at home reading or having screen time. Right now, we limited it to daytime and early evening for a couple of hours. I don’t quite trust that he would put himself to bed on time. He is able to let himself into the house and grab a sandwich after getting dropped off from practice or whatever.
Salmon mom says
The standard position is to know your kid and go with that. 12 is the expected number in many cities in Ontario.
If the child is supervising other children it might be older depending on the number of children and their needs. Essentially the public safety information is that until age 12 children don’t have the maturity to deal with certain situations even though they might be okay 99% of the time.
Anon says
Good morning all – i miscarried in the fall and while it was tough, I feel like I bounced back okay and was ready to start again once my cycle returned. I was lucky enough that it came back 28 days later, but has since not returned again. I’m set to get blood work done at the end of March if i don’t get 2 periods in between now and then which is likely. I just feel like the aftermath of not knowing what’s happening in my body is affecting me much more than the actual miscarriage. I guess looking for any similar stories/hope.
Anon says
Which is *unlikely I mean.
Jessamyn says
Not specific to your scenario, but wanted to let you know that I miscarried at 9 weeks before getting pregnant with my first kid, and had a chemical pregnancy (ended around 5 weeks) before getting pregnant with my second kid. There is hope after miscarriage for sure. Best of luck to you.
rosie says
I’m sorry for your loss. Have you had your hcg checked to make sure it’s back to non-pregnant levels? I think my case was slightly unusual, but it took me basically the amount of time I had been pregnant for things to really get back to normal. And not knowing what was going on with my body was really difficult, I hear that. Why not get bw sooner, if only for peace of mind?
Anon says
OP here – thanks, I had blood work done after the miscarriage until my hcg got below 5, so it’s fortunately not that. My Dr just says that my body is still in recovery mode. Just not used to irregular cycles when I’m typically very regular. And can’t really TTC when I have no idea when I’m ovulating.
Anonymous says
Sure you can. Have lots of sex. Every other day.
AnotherAnon says
I’m also struggling with infertility rn. The last thing OP needs is yet another glib “this is so easy you’re just not trying” remark about something that is very serious and life altering and that she trusted this board enough to share that she is struggling with. Go away.
Jeffiner says
Sex doesn’t make you pregnant. Go away.
I’ve heard that any pregnancy can completely change how your cycle works.
After my first miscarriage, my cycle was a more irregular. I also had all new PMS symptoms (which made me think I was pregnant the first few months), and I lost the ovulation cramps I would get every month. Eventually it went back to normal, but I don’t know if it was time or IVF hormones.
rosie says
Anonymous @10:14, you forgot to add the helpful advice to relax.
rosie says
Yeah, unfortunately I think the “you’re regular until you’re not” saying is just true, and miscarriage can throw things off further. I did have some signs of ovulation while I was waiting for things to settle down (cm and then confirmed by bw & ultrasound). I also did acupuncture to help move things along, so I suggest checking that out if you think it might be relaxing for you. At my acupuncturist’s urging I also embraced much more vigorous workouts than I had done while on my TTC/pregnancy journey…I think that was a time in my life where I was into MMA videos.
Pogo says
I can offer some commiseration as someone who has gone through IVF twice on living your life by your menstrual cycle (and waiting for it when it’s unpredictable) – it really sucks. You can’t talk about it with anyone, husbands don’t understand because it’s not their body (at least mine didn’t – he was just like, it’ll come eventually right?). I find it so hard as someone who is a big planner in other aspects of my life that this one thing was something I had zero control over. It’s good that you have a game plan to do more bloodwork at the end of March – I know that feels like forever but having something you’re aiming for is good. That’s probably the best thing you can do right now. Hang in there – I know it seriously feels like every month is an eternity.
Seafinch says
The uncertainty is very stressful. I have had three miscarriages (one just eight weeks ago) and the aftermath is worse than the event for me, every time. My two subsequent periods have been much heavier and intense and I am a bit concerned it is maybe perimenopause. Saw a fertility specialist yesterday to start checking levels. Hang in there. It is hard.
Spring Water says
I don’t think Keto is for everyone, but Leanne Vogel of the Keto Diet Podcast talks a lot about how her cycle was messed up for years. So maybe check and see if any episodes look relevant to you? My own personal opinion is that food and lifestyle can impact hormone balances for women a lot, which impacts your cycle. But most doctors aren’t going to be up on the research to discuss that with you. I’m sure there are other resources to balance your hormones naturally, Leanne just came to mind.
Helmet Therapy says
At my daughter’s 4 month appointment, the ped. first noticed that the back of her head was flat and mentioned plagiocephaly. She’s a great 12-hour a night straight, flat on the back sleeper, and no attempts to turn her head to the side have been successful. We had her 6 month appointment yesterday, and despite trying everything to correct it on its own, it is still severe. As I anticipated, the doctor gave us a referral to our closest children’s hospital to be evaluated for helmet therapy. Unfortunately, this is a two hour drive one way, so we will likely be making that hike frequently if she gets a helmet.
I’d really appreciate hearing about any experiences. I’m having a bad case of first time mom guilt this morning.
Anon says
No experience with helmets but please don’t have any guilt! You’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to do when you put her on her back to sleep. My DD was also a 12 hour/night back sleeper and we weren’t great with tummy time and she never needed a helmet. It’s just luck and genetics, not anything you did.
tk says
My son had the same issue – great sleeper, flat head. His helmet really seemed to help, though he’s still not completely round. The flatness is mostly covered by hair now. The helmet definitely bothered us more than him. He wore in 23 hours a day, did not seem to impact his ability to sleep, nap, breastfeed, crawl, or anything else … he barely noticed it.
But that time commitment … oof. I recall one or two initial appointments for a fitting, then adjustments every 3 to 4 weeks. He wore it from around 5 months to 11 months.
Anonymous says
One of my twins had physio because I was worried he was developing a spot. She said that tummy time is important not just because it gets them off their head but because it strengthens their neck and shoulder muscles which helps them have fuller movement. She has us put a tightly rolled receiving blanket at baby’s back so he couldn’t roll onto the concerned area. I would set an alarm to remind you to do tummy time every hour when you are home and avoid any devices like bouncy chairs or swings at other times. At 6 months baby is sitting and crawling more so that helps as well.
She also said it’s important to stay on top of head issues during the first year because the skull shape is like 80% permanent by 12 months. By dealing with these issues at 6 months, you should see a good resolution with the helmet. Have you been referred for physio as well?
I know this seems like a huge thing right now, but you are getting the medical treatment your child needs and the issue will resolve. Being a great mom doesn’t mean your child has perfect health.
Clementine says
FWIW, I know not one but TWO sets of twins where one twin had plagiocephaly and the other did not. These were kids with the same parents, same schedule, same sleeping surface (e.g., same brands of matress even!), same tummy time, etc.
It just… happens! You’re doing everything right; however, highly suggest looking at how people decorate their helmets. I’m especially fond of the R2-D2 styling.
Anonymous says
Why? You’ve done literally nothing wrong. This just happens to some babies and it’s way better than dying of sids.
Anonymous says
My son had one! He had mild “wry neck” and so always slept on the same spot. Started around 5 months, and used it about 12 weeks. I was really worried about him hating it and not sleeping, but after a day or so it didn’t bother him.
We did see some improvement in the head shape. All in all, it was not a bad experience (besides the time commitment you mention). We got a cute decal/paint set to decorate it, and it ended up that 2 other kids at his daycare had helmets at the same time… so not as big a deal as I feared. But it was upsetting at first, I agree :(.
Mrs. Jones says
Our son had this because he always slept on the same side, and physical therapy fixed it without having to use a helmet.
anon says
We got referred to a hospital for a helmet but also to physio and ended up being able to avoid the helmet with PT. (also the rolled swaddle under sleeping baby trick to get her to sleep on her other side). That being said, I felt so much guilt! You aren’t alone! The doctor also indicated that it might be one reason why one eye opens more than the other (I don’t think it was we decided – she’s still that way? anyone else’s kid’s eyes like that?) which made me feel terrible.
Also I heard that a helmet would not be the end of the world at all! But PT was pretty easy and painless, so definitely ask about that too!
anon says
Chiming in because a couple of people recommended PT. We went the PT route and it did not work. I wish we had done a helmet. We later went back to get reevaluated for a helmet because PT did not work and by then it was too late.
AnotherAnon says
You are a good mom and this is not your fault. My first was a foster (so I had no idea what I was doing) and a great sleeper. At four months ECI said if we didn’t start doing tummy time basically every waking minute, he would need a helmet. We did A LOT of tummy time and he hated it, but gradually he came to tolerate it. ECI recommended I put him on his side to nap (!?!) but I would not recommend that you do that – it doesn’t even seem safe (I’m was not really impressed with ECI – they don’t seem utd on safe sleep). Anyway, we had a great ped who decided foster baby didn’t need a helmet. I have a friend who has three kids who all needed a helmet and she just leaned into it – posted lots of photos of them on Insta and offered to talk to anyone who was curious or sad about their kid needing a helmet. Good luck!
Anon says
I had a neurosurgeon tell me to nap my two month old on his stomach because his head was getting flat. So I did and it rounded back out. Side is a little weird but I felt totally comfortable with the stomach… we all were raised that way, etc etc
Anon says
When my kiddo was about 4 months he started reliably rolling and immediatedly started sleeping on his stomach. It made A HUGE difference to the quality of his sleep. AND really helped with the borderline head issue (really big improvement between 4 – 5 months where there are lots of factors at play including sleep etc.) We did some PT because he has clear preference for looking / sleeping / sitting to one side.
Anonymous says
This. I used to frequently nap my twins on their bellies if I was supervising them.
Sarah says
My daughter just got out of her helmet and it was not a bad experience. She is our second child and just not as active as our first. She is content to chill and watch what’s going on. We had also figured out parenting and laid her in the crib and on the changing table in the same orientation so she always looked one way at us. We started just before 6 months and she had it on for 9 weeks. We went every 2 weeks to get it checked and adjusted. Fortunately, we live about 30 min from the place – Cranial Tech is the company we went through. My SIL is a pediatric PT and highly encouraged us to do helmet given my daughter’s age and head growth that happens at that age, over PT as my daughter has a strong neck and no restrictions. We paid for the helmet out of pocket (which we would have had to do no matter what because we have a high deductible plan), but insurance initially wasn’t going to cover it/apply it our year’s spending unless she did 2 months of PT first. We opted to go straight to the helmet, even if it wasn’t covered, because the earlier the baby is in the helmet, the shorter the time in it. She barely noticed she had it on. No one in our life gave us a hard time about it or said anything negative. I think they have become so common, which helps. My biggest advice is just put the helmet on and leave it on as instructed! The more your baby wears it, the faster they will be out of it. The time goes by so fast and it is absolutely amazing to watch your baby’s head change. We saw huge progress in the first 2-3 weeks. Also, as others have said, no guilt please! You were doing the right thing by putting your daughter on her back to sleep. Good consequence of back to sleep – reduce risk of SIDs. Not so good potential consequence – possible flat spot. Your baby will be done with the helmet before you know it! Good luck!!
Anon says
Kid’s birthday party etiquette…we invited the preschool class (10 kids) and only half RSVP’D (only yes). Then day of, everyone was at least 30 minutes late. This was a children’s museum party where we had the party room booked for 90 minutes for cake and bubbles, then free reign in the museum afterwards. Is this typical? I was surprised only half the class RSVP’D. We are new to this daycare and did in invites in cubbies, school wouldn’t give out a roster with emails, which I respect…but I’d happily opt-in for my info to be shared with other class parents.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry that’s so so rude. For this reason I don’t do parties with the whole class. It’s expensive and too much. People suck.
Anokha says
My kid’s birthday party is on Sunday, and about half the kids haven’t RSVPed. (super annoying for planning purposes!)
DLC says
That is so annoying! I feel like that isn’t/ shouldn’t be typical- especially if it is a party at an event space rather than an open house at your home.
Our preschool won’t share contact info either, but if you send them the invite (or link to the invite), they will forward it to the class, which I feel is a good compromise.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ugh the ability to send e-vites makes such a difference, I think. We did our son’s 3rd b-day via e-vite as our old daycare gave out emails, and e-vite sends reminder emails a few days before so we got a bunch of RSVPs at the very end (and I think it reminded those parents who didn’t put it on their calendars). Most people showed up within 20 minutes of the start.
I think our new daycare doesn’t give out emails, which is frustrating for things like this, because I’m much less likely to remember or make the effort to call or email someone vs. clicking on e-vite and adding it directly to my calendar (where the rest of my schedule is). No advice but sympathies as I fear his 4th birthday party, if we do one, will be more difficult to schedule.
Anon says
wait, what? how can you show up that late to a party at a museum. i don’t know how old your kid is, but we have 21 month old twins. i will admit that we probably have been about 10 min late to some parties, but i kind of feel like the first 10-15 min is a grace period
Anon says
Yeah, 10 minutes late is not a big deal.
Anonymous says
I’ve found people can be bad about RSVPing, and often are a little late. (I’m also often 15 minutes late to parties). I think if you need to start on time for whatever reason, it’s helpful to let people know, e.g., we only have the party room for a short period of time so we’re going to get going right at x time. Otherwise, especially for really young kids, they may assume it is more free-form and doesn’t matter. You can also say, I need to give the venue a headcount by x date, so please RSVP by then. It may not make much difference if the other parents are truly self-absorbed but could help.
Anonymous says
This is why we didn’t do birthday parties until kindergarten, when most of the parents had their act together to a minimal degree. Failure to RSVP, late arrivals, no-shows, and tag-along siblings were still common.
Beth @ Parent Lightly says
We do not tend to have trouble with people responding but I have noticed that people tend to roll in late. Now we just plan accordingly on that.
AnotherAnon says
People don’t RSVP anymore. I hate it. What I’ve seen parents do re: arriving on time is on the invite state “We only have access to X activity for the first thirty minutes of the party, so please arrive at the scheduled time!” I’m sorry they did that to you and your kid. We invited two families (read: two kids) to my three year old’s party this weekend and they both didn’t RSVP and then texted me to decline an hour before the party started (to be fair, one of them was sick so that’s a legitimate reason to decline). Fortunately my kid’s uncle had shipped a train set, so he wasn’t totally heartbroken, but people are rude and inconsiderate and I’m over it. I’m probably just mad about the amount of cake left over at my house this week.
Anon says
So stressful! Ughhhh.
I’m sorry that happened to you. So far I’ve only invited family to my daughter’s bday and maybe I will continue that for a while to avoid these situations. Or only invite people who I’ve hung out with before who I can text and easily plan with directly. I feel stressed as it is arranging get together but then worrying whether your child will notice makes it even worse.
Pogo says
Unfortunately this has been my experience as well. I haven’t done any actual parties yet where I had to pay for something basically for this reason.
lsw says
I asked the daycare teachers who my son played with the most and invited all of them to his third birthday. Out of the 15 or so kids, *literally* three families responded….one of whom we already had a playdate relationship. I was completely flabbergasted. I guess the silver lining was that one of the other two families have become good friends and we have subsequently gotten together several times. I seriously could not believe it in this day and age of being able to RSVP via text! WTF!
lsw says
(I put invitations in cubbies because I didn’t have contact info)
Anon says
You could hand out invitations at school even if you’re not inviting the whole class??
lsw says
It was his whole class plus other kids he plays with regularly. He’s in all day care there so in the afternoon he plays a lot with kids who aren’t in his class, and I wanted to add them in. No kids from his actual class came anyway.
Cate says
That stinks. Did kid at least have fun? Focus on that, because you are doing a great job! It sounds like a really fun party! Five kids is probably a great number at that age too, even if they were late!
And I’d pushback on the no email addresses thing from daycare for future. See if you can exchange them with other parents at dropoff and pickup. We had one mom organize us all in an email list for one kid’s class, which I appreciated.
Anonymous says
This is frustrating and also somewhat typical. I’ve found that I get much better RSVP response with evites than I did with paper invites. If you can’t get email addresses directly from a class roster and the school won’t forward, maybe ask if you can leave out a sheet next to sign-in to collect them, or just start asking around of the other parents.
Things that have helped:
– Be very explicit on the invitation that party activities start at [time] sharp because you have the space for limited time.
– Be very explicit that you need an RSVP by [date] to provide guest count to the venue
– If you can use evites, set the evite to send a reminder a day or two before your guest count is due to the venue
AwayEmily says
That’s really annoying, I’m sorry. I would attribute a lot of this to the paper invitations. Our kids’ cubbies are a mess — they are always filled with extra mittens, random scraps of paper, etc (this is my kids’ fault, not the teachers’), and invitations get lost so easily. Twice in the past six months i have found birthday party invites weeks after the party was actually held. A third invitation paper invitation got lost because I stuck it in my coat pocket and it never made it out.
Anonymous says
So you’re rude because you can’t be bothered keeping track of thing. Not great.
AwayEmily says
Nope, not great at all! I sent apologies to the parents afterwards, but it’s still not ideal. On the other hand, at least I’m not rude on the internet! :-)
Spirograph says
I’m right there with you re: kid cubbies. Also, my email often filters evites or anything else sent to a distro list, so I have even missed some of those. For parties when we invited the whole class, I assume good intentions with lack of RSVPs and am happy not to have to pay for as many kids. I always try to follow up separately if I don’t hear from parents of my kid’s favorite friends. Losing (or never seeing!) papers and forgetting things happens to everyone. It’s an honest mistake, vs rudeness, which is intentional.
Salmon mom says
When we invite we send a full letter to every parent about our child and how much we would value their attendance (he’s a special needs kid so it’s a bit different sometimes). Everyone always comes. The letter makes it more personal. Honestly I’ve probably accidentally thrown away invites or they’ve been lost in the car or something. And that sucks and I’m sorry about it but life is chaos sometimes.
Anonymous says
This seems pretty extra. My daughter has a classmate with special needs. Everyone knows it, and everyone makes an extra effort to show up for her parties.
BTW, all the kids and parents are quite fond of this kid and her family because the parents are really amazing at facilitating her participation to the maximum extent of her capacity without making a big deal out of it. The attitude they project is basically, she is who she is, she deserves to be here, and we’re going to support her 100% without asking for lots of attention or taking anything away from anyone else’s experience. And they are not coming from a position of privilege, education, and unlimited resources, either. They are amazing and they and their daughter are welcomed everywhere with open arms.
Salmon mom says
Eh. I think it’s different for us because honestly I wouldn’t know the names of the other kids because my kid doesn’t talk about them ever. My kid didn’t cooperate with his school pictures so he is not in the class picture. So I have a limited idea of who the other kids and their parents are and I don’t know much about them.
Sure, you might think the letter is extra but we have 30+ kids without fail coming to any event our kid has so it is effective. Our kid also regularly gets invited for playdates which is great.
She posted people didn’t come or came late, I posted a possible solution. Sure you might find it annoying but it works.
Salmon mom says
I’m actually also going to just advise you to be careful about certain things because your language isn’t great and it might just be an online thing but it is really bah.
My kid gets more attention and arguably takes away from other peoples experiences simply by existing and taking part in spaces. There is no way around this. My kid requires a one on one aide to attend school and guess what, there are kids requiring two on one aides. There are also kids with no aides and two kid pairs who share aides. I don’t think of my kid as “taking” anything from other kids. I don’t think of the kids requiring two aides as “taking” something from my son.
If you were having a nice lunch with your family or going to a the zoo with your family or riding a bus with your family there is a reasonably good chance my kid or a kid like him would do something to “take away” from your experience. And you know? If its one thing it’s probably not the end of the world and you can move on with life. Maybe just sit around feeling smug about how much of a better parent you are or about how the special the undemanding special needs family in your orbit is.
We know people who outright won’t invite our kid to things because he might be a distraction. And that is their choice. We have other special needs kids at our kids parties and often it’s not the other special needs kid or our kid “taking attention”. Sometimes it’s a sibling or a different kid from another party group or one of your neurotypical kids. Who really cares.
Redux says
This is just a signal boost for you, Salmon Mom. I see you over there loving your kid. If that is extra, well… sign me up. You sound like a great mom.
OP says
Thanks everyone! I’m sorry this is so commonplace now, ugh. Kiddo had a blast and we ended up connecting with two of the parents so we’re calling it a win. Five kids was the perfect number. I think we’ll likely skip parties until school going forward. On the invite I wrote, join us for cake at time, then we’ll explore the museum…but I like some of the suggested language above.
anon says
This sounds great! Why not just invite those five to the party next time? I don’t know if you need to skip parties since it sounds like kid had fun and it’s a great chance to meet other parents. But I can tell you feel burned, and I’m sorry about that!
Katarina says
Around here nobody RSVPs with a response of “no.” I think we got one RSVP of “no.” I have also found that most of the kids who actually attend have parents we actually know. We invited my son’s whole 1st grade class, and I think only two of the kids came. We brought the invitations on the first day of school, which might have hurt attendance. I also prefer not to have big birthday parties, we always give the choice between going to 6 flags and a birthday party.
Anonymous says
I send evites and reminders. Being 30 min late is incredibly rude without advanced notice. However, I’ve had bday parties for 2 y/os scheduled at naptime and almost everyone was late. we mentioned it in advance but from the way the party was set up I’m not sure everyone did!
shortperson says
we plan on people being about a half hour late. so we usually start with crafts and things and don’t have the big thing (i.e. princess arrival, cake smash) until at least a half hour into the party. in fact when we did a 10-1 party involving a cake smash i put the 10:30 time of the cake smash on the invite so that people knew to come relatively on time if they wanted to see it.
when we did a children’s museum party we had the room for an hour, and i sent at least two reminders to parents to let them know that all party events would be from 10-11 only and that they needed to be on time. and most people were there about 10-15 min into the party. none of this bothers me, it’s the culture we are in and a part of as well. i just plan around it.
Strategy mom says
Same. We also usually show up 30 late on purpose bc kid is easily overstimulated and 60 min of party is all he can handle (and it’s hard to leave early bc toddler knows he’s missing cake). Usually you know from the invite and the venue if that would be ok so I’ve never given the host a heads up, but maybe I should. It’s the norm in our area for at least 25% of guests to be 30 late.
Lake house? says
Would you stay at a vacation house with family on a lake with a three year old and one year old? I would never stay in a place with an unfenced pool and my gut says that a lake is the same but wanted to see before throwing a wrench in proposed group plans. Thanks!
Anonymous says
Yes.
anon says
For sure. Just watch the kids. Especially with two of you and two of them, seems reasonable. I wouldn’t day drink (or heavily night drink) but I would definitely stay there. Also wouldn’t leave them sleeping in the house unattended. But so long as you’re following basic common sense, I’m not sure what the worry is?
We take my three kids under 5 to a river house. When we are down by the river, the 3 and 4 year old have to be in a life jacket at all times. Baby wasn’t mobile last time we were there.
anon says
I’m realizing this sounds blase, but there’s only so much you can control. We are serious about the rules. We take them to a beach house too. My kids are always with me, so I can keep an eye on them. And when they are asleep, I feel comfortable that they can’t get out of the house.
Em says
I wouldn’t do it, mainly because I would be stressed and miserable the entire time. We own a lake house and my husband has stayed there with our son before, starting when he was 3 1/2. Our son literally will not get out of bed unless one of us is there, so between that and a locking sliding glass door with a stick in it, we have been comfortable staying there for a night. If we had to stay there long-term, didn’t have control over the security features, or if we had more than one kid, I would be much less comfortable.
rakma says
We have, with a variety of ages. We started with 2 under 2 and have made it up to 6 under 7. We go to the same house every year, so the kids are used to the rules. No kids outside with out an adult, we bring a gate to keep the kids on the deck, kid sized life jackets for any water activity beyond splashing in the lake. We also bring child proofing supplies, door handle covers and pool noodles for sharp edges.
IMO, a lake is different than a pool because of the gradual entry, but you know your kids and their sense of adventure/escape skills.
rakma says
Also, verbal acknowledgment of who is watching who. (I’m taking K and R! OK, rakma is taking K and R! Or ‘K is going back to her mom’ K’s Mom- ok I have K) It seems a little silly the first few times you do it, but knowing all the adults are on the same page makes things go smoother.
anon says
I love this! (I’m the responder above with the three kids under 5) – I think we sort of do this already but going to try to really institutionalize it this summer.
Anon says
A lake seems a little different than a pool, because the edge of a lake is shallow, right? Although TBH I don’t think I’d worry about vacationing near an unfenced pool, but I only have one kid who still sleeps in a crib so she’s pretty much always either a) contained in the crib or b) being supervised by at least one adult.
Anonymous says
Yes. I mean, I take my kid to the beach, which is basically the same. The house ostensibly has doors that lock. My response may be colored by the fact that I live in an apartment, so I have no experience of my child being outside of the house without adult supervision – I assume that outside he’s never going to be alone.
Nan says
I wouldn’t, personally, because it would stress me out the whole time. Especially in group settings it is way too easy for a little kid to slip away when everyone thinks someone else is watching them.
So Anon says
My family has a house on a local lake, and my kids have gone consistently from basically birth to now (6&9). We have very strict rules about if your feet could get wet from the water or you are on the sand, you must have an adult nearby and have a life jacket on. No going out on the dock unless holding an adult’s hand. We have a rule that one adult must be out watching the kids at all times if they are in the back yard (close to the water). I operate from the position that they cannot be alone outside.
Anonymous says
Oh, this is interesting! I also would never stay in a vacation house with my toddlers that had an unfenced pool, but we’ve stayed in lake/ocean houses and I’ve never thought anything about it. I think for me it depends a little bit on how accessible the water is–most pools are within 10 feet of the house so easy to slip out a door and fall in, where’s when we’ve stayed next to a lake or ocean there’s been more of a buffer.
lawsuited says
Yeah, we do this a lot. Kids wear life jackets whenever they are outside, and we don’t let them outside unless an adult is going with them.
Jessamyn says
Yeah, I mean, it’s a risk. So is driving in the car, so is walking down the street. I don’t think it’s an undue risk, and I’ve stayed in a lake house when my kids were 1 and 3.
Yup says
I have a lot of anxiety around this, but I’d stay in the house in this situation. A lake is different than a pool. In nearly every non-home space a 1yo and 3yo need to be watched.
octagon says
Talk to me about travel insurance. I never got it before kids but now we are planning a big 2-week, multiple city trip and I’m considering it — both kiddo and DH have been on and off sick for months and I would hate for them to be sick on a trip. We will be staying in a combination of hotels and air bnb houses, renting cars, plane rides between the cities. Should I just get the individual insurances offered by each service at booking or look for a master policy for everything? Where do you even find such a thing? Or is it the sort of thing that’s not really worth it? Thanks for any thoughts.
Anon says
Is the concern medical expenses or cancelled travel plans? For the latter, look at what your credit card offers. I have a Chase Sapphire Reserve and it comes with pretty good travel insurance, so we never buy it. As to the former, my kid has gotten sick enough for outpatient medical care in 3 different countries (thanks, daycare germs) and it’s always cost us less than what it would at home in the US (even with decent insurance). Most of the world has more affordable healthcare than the US. If you were going somewhere really remote where you might need medical evacuation than I might consider separate insurance, but major cities where you can just walk into an urgent care shouldn’t necessitate huge out-of-pocket costs.
ALC says
Check to see if you have a credit card that already offers it — the Chase Sapphire does I think.
Pogo says
We got it through AAA once.
Anonymous says
Read the fine print on what the services cover. I’ve been researching this myself and I think that if you buy it from say, your airline, often what the “cancellation” insurance covers if they, the airline, cancel your flight and you incur expenses as a result. Not if you decide to cancel going for some reason. There are policies you can buy that will refund a portion of your costs if you cancel for any reason, but they are expensive and don’t fully refund your costs as far as I can tell. You also often need to buy insurance within a set time period (10-15 days) of making non-refundable reservations. Slightly cheaper are policies that cover cancellation for a set group of reasons, including illness within the immediate family. In summary, you have to do more research, but the service’s insurance programs are likely not what you want.
Anonymous says
PS – there are online brokers, e.g., insuremytrip.com, that give you price quotes and allow you to compare different options.
Anon says
I looked into the details of my insurance when planning a European trip while pregnant. Be careful re: requirements to get the refunds in terms of what you might need for doctors. E.g. if you cancel because you don’t feel like having colds / minor flu etc. while that is not the same as someone breaks their leg and is hospitalized.
Anon says
Has anyone made a list of mental load tasks (or is there a website with “chores” including mental load spelled out)? I am feeling burned out, but my husband firmly believes he does a lot of the chores/work load. Funny, it feels like a lot of work to develop the list of chores/mental load/tasks that need to be carried out, so I would like something (and excel spreadsheet? website?) that lists them out so I can go from there. At the very least, I want to drop the ball on some of them that maybe I don’t need to be doing. Thanks.
Anonymous says
you may want to look at the book Fair Play. It may be helpful for your situation. It has a list of tasks at one point in the book. It was not the best approach for my situation, but it had some useful ideas.
anne-on says
+1 – reading this section aloud to my husband was game-changing. I was SO sick of being the ‘boss’ of our household and being expected to manage and allocate all chores. He’s an adult and a manager at work, he can ‘own’ chores at home too.
(from Fair Play): “Being responsible for a chore/item means you Conceive, Plan and Execute every aspect of it and here’s an example of how “CPE” works: Let’s say you are in charge of “Groceries”. Your kid is a big fan of mustard on his hot dog. In fact, he won’t eat any protein without first dipping it in mustard. You notice there is no mustard in the refrigerator or the pantry and that unless this is remedied—STAT—your kid may go on a hunger strike. That’s Conception. You add mustard to the grocery list that you create every week and schedule your next grocery run. That’s Planning. You get to the grocery store so that mustard is restored to your home before your son asks, “Where’s the mustard?” That’s Execution. Whomever owns a chore Conceives, Plans and Executes the heck out of it—without reminders, half-ass efforts or excuses”.
Anon (OP) says
Yes, ok, this is exactly the problem. I think he sees the “E” part and believes that to be the load of the work, so in his mind he “did” the work. I do a ton of C and P and maybe we share E equally. He wants praise for “E”, and will sometimes praise me for doing “E” (things I consider stupid, like unloading the dishwasher. It needs to be done, I don’t want to give or receive praise for it).
He keeps bringing up how the kids need haircuts, but they haven’t gotten haircuts yet because I’m waiting on him to do the P and E. I don’t care that their hair is a little long, doesn’t bug me. I am dropping the ball on some things (I read that book two years ago), but I want to drop more. It doesn’t have to be about him picking up the slack. Like some other posters mentioned, maybe things can go undone?
Thanks for the book rec, just got it.
So Anon says
I did this last year. I made an excel sheet of all of the tasks related to kid and home and broke them out by daily, weekly, monthly, seasonally and yearly. Then we color-coded who was handling a task individually or whether it was shared. When it doubt, we labeled it shared. Full disclosure that I did this about a month before asking for a divorce, and the list made it very clear to me that I would be absolutely fine to parent and live on my own.
Anon says
Yeah this doesn’t seem like an approach that leads to compromises and productive discussions. Not that it didn’t have value for you personally or you shouldn’t have done it. Just not surprised you did it right before a divorce.
Anon says
I think it can be productive if you’re doing it as a cooperative exercise together to figure out how to divide up tasks. If you’re doing it as a “look how much I’m doing” punitive exercise, then it’s not as productive (not saying that’s what So Anon was doing but I know people who have done that). My husband and I did this a few years ago and it was helpful-ish? My husband felt like a lot of my tasks were optional so we talked about them in more depth. Ultimately I think I convinced him of the utility of some of the invisible things I was doing, and he convinced me of the unimportance of others, which led me to either not do them, or do them but think of them as hobbies and not emotional labor. I won’t say it was a magic bullet but it certainly didn’t make our relationship worse.
Anon (OP) says
Yes, this is what my therapist recommended, but I am overwhelmed at the idea of creating the sheet, or putting down “all” the tasks I do (and having him do the same) and having it be equitable. I feel like I will forget some and still feel unequal, hence the request for help with either a pre-built sheet or a task list that I can follow.
Anon says
there is another blogger I read sometimes called Lemon Stripes and she recently did a post related to that book. If your DH is open to it, just have him read that post (much shorter than a whole book) and then it is coming from someone else too.
And yes – this is a problem in my house too
Anon (OP) says
Thanks – looked at the blog, saved a few entries, saw the cards that Pigpens mom was talking about.
Pigpen's Mama says
I can’t bring myself to have the energy to put that list together, especially since I think it would be met with hostilely.
That being said, I think Fair Play has a website that provides pre-filled out cards. I am pretty sure I have the link in my emails, but never got around to printing them out/looking at them.
Related, I found Drop the Ball and Fair Play fine, but not super-relateable. The author of Drop the Ball was so hyper organized and on top of things that I felt like I couldn’t compare my life to hers and in Fair Play the husbands were crazy incompetent (like eating lunch themselves, but not feeding the kids).
Anon says
I think this kind of list is likely to overwhelm your partner and make them defensive unless they also make a list of their own and you are really in a supportive problem-solving mode when you compare lists and try to make things more equal with give and take on both sides. Seems challenging to pull off, given that it’s kind of a mine field.
If I were you, I’d make a list for yourself and reflect on it first to think about where you really want more help, then bring up one or two areas to your partner and specific ways they can help that seem finite and doable. Otherwise you might just get in a fight and both people will feel undervalued and nothing will change.
anona says
The book Drop the Ball describes a joint Excel chart the author and her husband maintain. I listened to the audiobook, but the hard copy might have a sample.
Anon says
I made a list of “mental load” chores that I handle and shared it with my husband, simply because so much of it is unseen and he had no idea everything I actually planned/kept track of/did. I still manage 90% of our household mental load but he has stepped up tremendously in terms of doing more around the house on a day-to-day basis and pitching in with childcare/caregiving without my asking because it’s easier for him to conceptualize everything I’m doing in addition to the work he sees me doing on a daily basis. I actually prefer doing the planning/organizing/research of the mental load to a menial chore like emptying the dishwasher or reorganizing our dry goods storage in the garage, so this division of labor works better for our family. Plus, no longer having to ask him to do obvious basic tasks around the house is HUGE.
Salmon mom says
So, I have an autistic five year old boy. He has no concept of male/female and does not distinguish between men and women or boys and girls and regularly confuses pronouns. We struggle with getting him dressed to the point where I do most of the dressing of the child. He does not dress himself and is either passive or sometimes actively resists or takes the pants off.
He is in behavioural, speech, social, occupational and music therapy so he has a full support team. They’ve made strides in many areas but not clothing.
We’ve made no progress on clothing for a year. Our biggest issue is pants. Is it a big issue if I stick a dress on him? He’s never expressed any interest in a dress but he’s not really interested in clothing. I don’t want to give up on pants forever (he has to wear something when it snows) but is it an issue if I stick a dress on him he hasn’t asked for? I already know the husband and his family (who don’t dress the child) will be upset but I don’t care at this point.
Clementine says
Old navy has t-shirt dresses that would work for this.
I would talk to his therapy team, but frankly – I am team ‘sure you can wear an elsa princess dress as long as it’s weather appropriate and your feet are in reasonable shoes’.
Spirograph says
You do you. If husband says anything about it, he can take over getting your son dressed.
That said, a few things to consider:
1. Even if your son does not distinguish between boys and girls, the rest of the world does, and your husband will not be the only one who comments on your son wearing a dress. People may assume he is choosing to present as a girl, and reactions (to him and you) from adults could range from supportive to cruel.
2. Dresses come with their own challenges. For example, my daughter regularly flips hers up to expose her tummy. She wears leggings at this time of year, but in the summer, she just flashes her underwear. If there’s anything that will get more reaction than a boy in a dress, it’s a boy wearing a dress and pulling it up to show off his underwear. You might be trading one problem for another.
3. You don’t mention whether your son is in school/preschool. If he is, a dress is not going to do him any social favors with his classmates. If he is at home with family or a nanny, I’d be more inclined to go for the dress.
My neurotypical 5 year old also needed to be wrestled into her clothing this morning, so I totally understand wanting to do anything to make this easier. Good luck!
rakma says
I just want to second this comment, it says what I was trying to put into words much more coherently than I was managing.
Also, this sounds hard, and must be a frustrating way to start your day. You mention your son’s support team–do you have the support you need? Could his team focus more on the clothing issue now that progress has been made in other areas?
Anon says
I would agree with and really consider all of this.
Marilla says
Agree with all this. If possible, I would go for sensory-friendly sweatpants, PJ bottoms, or plain leggings from the girls’ department (softer and easier to get on than a lot of the boys pants). I would not put a dress on a boy who hasn’t expressed interest. He may not have a concept of gender but other people will project their own concepts on him (and on your family), and that’s not a challenge you need to take on. Wishing you lots of luck.
Anonymous says
I would never put a dress on a boy who had not requested it. That is totally different than letting him make the choice to wear a dress.
Anonymous says
I would be more inclined to try different pants first. Not because I have a problem with a dress on a boy but because I think the dress could lead to more opportunity for socially inappropriate behaviors – a dress can be pulled up to show underwear very easily etc.
Kids with autism often have sensory issues – does it matter if the pants are jean – either with or without bottom, cotton chinos, fleece athletic pants, cotton athletic pants (joggers). My cousin is autistic and after a lot of trial and error, he had only one or two specific types of pants he would wear so my aunt just bought those in bulk whenever on sale.
Anon says
Is he a heavy sleeper? Could you change his clothes while he’s asleep, about an hour after he conks out when he’s in his deepest sleep cycle? Just do sweatpants or knit shorts.
Bath nights you could just put him in an oversized t shirt as PJs and dress him for the day after he’s asleep.
Anon says
I don’t know that a dress solves the issue, gender stereotypes aside. Many neurotypical 5 year old girls can’t be trusted not to lift the dress up and show everyone their underwear. Also, even if they know they need to keep the dress down, kids are always running and playing, so most parents I know still use leggings or shorts underneath for that reason.
Pogo says
If you haven’t tried them yet, I believe Primary makes pants without any tags, buttons, zippers and minimal seams (they definitely have them for toddlers, because my neurotypical pants-hating kid loves them). Dress is certainly worth a try but as you point out, you can’t not wear pants forever. Sadly.
The other one to maybe try, counter-intuitively, is overalls. My brother was disabled with a genetic disorder with many similar features to autism and overalls worked for him (also made access to diaper/underwear harder if you have any issues w/ that).
Pogo says
hm, I just Primary just has traditional leggings for older kids. Which still might work, but more clingy than the “baby pant” I was thinking of that my kid loves and is apparently about to outgrow!!
Anon says
Primary has sweatpants for older kids that are pretty similar to the “baby pant.”
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yep, the joggers. They fit our older son well and you’re right they don’t have tags.
Pogo says
Awesome, thank you! We’re still in 24m right now but I expect we’ll move to the joggers soon then.
Anonymous says
Don’t. You need to deal with your marriage not randomly toss a grenade into it.
Beth @ Parent Lightly says
This sounds really challenging. I think that if I were in this situation I would like for an alternative that wasn’t specifically gendered. E.g. is there a set of PJs he loves? Great. Maybe pants that zip or snap up the side like Adidas warmup pants? Would he watch TV while you dress him to make it easier? I know my kids always wear shorts or pants under dresses for the reasons Spirograph mentioned.
Anonymous says
Can he just wear his pajama bottoms?
You could put a fresh pair on every evening when he goes to bed. Add underwear underneath if he’s not wearing underwear to bed or remove pj bottoms and put on underwear in the morning. PJ bottoms on a 5 year old won’t attract much notice and it saves you from battling about pants every morning.
Anonymous says
Maybe you live somewhere warm, but wouldn’t you still have to put leggings/tights under a dress? I think leggings sans dress would work. A dress on top seems like extra bulk.
Anonymous says
My kids don’t have special needs so I’m just spitballing here- what about an oversized sports jersey? Ideally with shorts or pants of some kind under. Bathing suit trunks?
Is it the waistband or the confinement of the legs? Seams?
Salmon mom says
Thanks guys!
To provide more insight – the team wants child to be awake for dressing and for dressing to be part of the routine. We have picture word boards (this than that pictures etc) and dolls with stick on clothing and stuff we are supposed to use and we are supposed to offer clothing choices. This is all part of the routine building we are supposed to do.
Child wears shirts (long sleeve or short sleeve no buttons no collars) often with a sweater or sweatshirt (no zip) on top. The basic rule is that it is hard to change colours between days. If he goes to sleep in a blue shirt he wants to wake up and continue to wear that shirt so its good to have a fresh blue shirt ready to go as a trade. Sometimes if I offer him shirts with cartoons he knows he will state a clear preference for one instead of the other and we will obviously allow that.
He wears underwear with no problems. He does not want to wear pants. A significant issue is that he has been potty trained for 8 months now and slips up a bit sometime. I think he prefers to be wearing a shirt and underwear as it’s easier on him for potty reasons. He also might not like some of the sensory aspects of pants. He has very sensitive feet and it was a big struggle (1.5 years) to get him to go through school for 3 hours a day with shoes remaining on. So that is where we are at. All his pants are basically the same and he will sometimes wear them no problems but other days it is a big issue.
He attends school every day and daycare.
RR says
Maybe explore the sensory issues? My older daughter has pretty major sensory issues with clothes. She’s otherwise neuro-typical, but she would literally cry if asked to wear jeans. They are that awful for her. She loves loose, really soft sweatpants or yoga pants. Maybe if you find some super soft, looser pants, that would help? It could be sensory issues that he’s just not able to verbalize.
Anonymous says
Could he sleep in a fresh pair of pants? It might be the transition (cold air in the morning) that is rough. I’d do baggy shorts in lieu of a dress but that’s me (fellow mom to a 5-yo autistic son). Target has good seamless pants and leggings.
Quail says
Have we discussed this article in the Harvard Business Review? I can’t stop thinking about it. My two takeaways – (1) while I totally agree with the conclusion that the real problem is overwork/unrealistic expectations, I am not surprised at all that the firm refused to see that and (2) the gender biases at play are really rooted deep in our culture and uggghhhh.
https://hbr.org/2020/03/whats-really-holding-women-back
Anon says
Really great article! I agree with you. Companies are generally unwilling to confront hard truths like a culture of overworking and over delivering.
The article focuses on a super competitive top-tier firm though. Many companies are not like that. I work at a nothing-special smallish company that has regular 9-5 hours, and a good portion of the upper management (besides the CEO) are women. So maybe this problem isn’t so terrible if you set your sights on more ho-hum organizations that aren’t trying to promise the world to clients.
In other words, organizations really do vary and that’s an important point to consider too.
Quail says
Agreed. My organization is somewhere in the middle I think.
Pogo says
Definitely pretty depressing, though I do feel much of it relates specifically to management consulting which is notorious for burning people out regardless of family.
I felt this was particularly telling about gender stereotypes: “Resolute in his conviction that women’s personal preferences were the obstacle to their success, he was unable to account for such anomalies as childless women, whose promotion record was no better than that of mothers. In his calculation all women were mothers, a conflation that was common in our interviews. Childless women figured nowhere in people’s remarks, perhaps because they contradict the work/family narrative”
The other thing that always bothers me, that wasn’t addressed here (perhaps because the interviewees admitted men did not use any accommodations) is when a man has to leave early to pick up his kids, he’s this involved dad who’s a hero, but if a woman does, she’s not committed.
Quail says
Yeah, that quote was so telling! I guess I’m glad to have a man verbalize what I’ve experienced in a small way – at least it’s out there for examination.
And x100 on dads as heroes. Immensely frustrating. The lack of formal accommodations taken by the men of the firm also made me think of other reports I’ve read where women will officially flex schedules or go part time, whereas men will do the same thing or work the same hours but unofficially and so don’t get thought of as doing things as parents.
Anon says
+ 1 to this
Boston Legal Eagle says
Thanks for this article. I agree with the premise that demanding long work hours, especially on a consistent, non-urgent basis, is a huge problem, particularly in certain industries and wish that there was more respect for outside lives at all places, but the problem is and what I always come up against is, how do you change the game without first playing the game yourself?
I think we may also see more of a trend of younger people, particularly younger fathers, who reject this notion that working long hours = success. I know for my husband and my male friends, one of the biggest criteria for a good job is reasonable work hours and they feel the same pull to be there for the family as a lot of moms. In a lot of ways, both of us working provides both of us the freedom to feel like we don’t have to work too much, which I imagine a lot of sole earner spouses feel. Neither of us makes biglaw or big consulting money, but we don’t have to because we have each other as the back stop.
Pogo says
I agree w/ your second paragraph. It’s very true among my husband and our other couple friends’ husbands (the two we’re closest with are in law and finance, and we’re both in tech, so not exactly slacking off, but not BigLaw or BigConsulting either). They have also all done significant paternity leaves, too (1 month or greater, which I consider significant for men).
Anon - Work Bag says
Second day back from parental leave, and I am realizing my work backpack will not cut it to carry my pumping parts, lunch, and work laptop. Tell me your favorite work bag that can do double duty for traveling. I commute on the train, so I would prefer either a backpack or a tote with comfortable straps.
Pogo says
Lo & Sons OG?
on on says
I am in this phase and resurrected my Lo & Sons OG. It holds a truly impressive amount of stuff. The newer version of the OG seems even better.
OP says
The OG 2 does look fantastic. Do you think the price is worth it? Has anyone tried the Rowledge? It looks like it could be a good travel diaper bag.
HSAL says
I have the Rowledge. I love it for travel, but I’m not sure as a work pumping bag. Which pump do you use? The Spectra would probably fit, but it would be tight and awkward. The PISA would probably work better in it.
OP says
I have the Spectra S9 for work, so it is pretty portable.
HSAL says
So you’d probably be fine size-wise, but I think my other hesitation would be that it’s a bag built for great organization, but my best pumping bag was an open cavern you could throw things into. The Rowledge has a separate laptop pocket so you could take out the interior insert for more room, but then I think that you lose a lot of what’s great about the bag. Maybe the OG2 would be better for that.
Anonymous says
I have always thought that the OG looked like a bag that came free with a pump.
rosie says
Lo & Sons has some great sales right now. Both totes & backpacks included.
Beth @ Parent Lightly says
I just got a canvas overnight bag from Cuyana and I really like it. It’s very spacious and I think larger than the OG (although I had the original OG). I don’t think the convertible backpacks would work well for travel, in my opinion they’re not all that spacious relative to the totes. I don’t have the Rowledge but I have another of Lo & Sons convertible backpacks.
shortperson says
i stuffed all that stuff in a Cuyana Oversized Carryall Tote.
Anonymous says
I had 2 – a tote for lunch and regular stuff, and a Medela backpack with the pump, parts, and bottles.
OP says
I was wondering about two bags as an option. My only hesitancy is that I might forget one or the other at home. Maybe it’s just me though :)
shortperson says
i kept a manual pump in my drawer at work for emergencies. never used it but it was worth the $25 for the peace of mind.
toddler bathrobe? says
What’s your favorite absorbent toddler bathrobe? I’m looking for something with sleeves/sash, i.e. not a hooded towel. Bonus points if it has an adorable animal hood. Looking for something to scoop our twins into after swim lessons before heading to the chilly locker room.
Anon says
We have the Daniel tiger bathrobe (amaz*n and wal-m) It’s not super absorbent but it is warm and hooded with a sash.
rakma says
I know you said no hooded towels, but have you looked at the ones that are more like ponchos and don’t need to wrapped and held? It looks like Bed Bath and Beyond has some right now, we used them last summer for swim lessons and they were great. Just pop them over their heads and go.
Anonymous says
+1 – we had one from IKEA that we loved. Way easier to get on than something with sleeves. It doesn’t look like they have one now though.
AnotherAnon says
I just saw an adorable fox one on the clearance rack at Target! It was a robe with a sash. I forget whether it had a hood but I think it did.
Anonymous says
I picked one up at Target at Christmas time for my 4 year old. It is absorbent, $15, and looks like a walrus. My kid loves it!
shortperson says
they are $$$ but we love the rh baby ones (in kid sizes).
AnotherAnon says
I ask this question in total ignorance, so I feel like “ask your dermatologist” is an acceptable answer. My baby turns 3 this week and I was looking back at photos of us from when he was little. The lines across my forehead have gotten SO bad in the last three years (I’m 34). Is botox the only thing that will fix this? DH gently remarked that he thinks my makeup sometimes highlights the lines, making them look worse. I wear drugstore liquid foundation. Is there any foundation that helps with this or should I switch to powder? Help!
Anon says
You can definitely ask a dermatologist about Botox. But also it’s ok to have more lines than you did a few years ago. It’s part of aging, but aging and getting to watch your kid grow up is a privilege.
AnonATL says
I’ve had good luck with alpha hydroxy acid products to get rid of my horizontal forehead scowl line. Less immediate than botox, but also easier to maintain.
Anonymous says
Try primer under your foundation. But yes Botox but maybe retinol?
anne-on says
Botox is the only thing that will really ‘fix’ the lines, though a different foundation and/or powder would probably help if your current version is emphasizing them.
I started Botox around that age, and it really doesn’t take a huge amount to make a difference. I also wanted to prevent them from becoming etched in, which would then require Botox + filler/lasers to correct.
OP says
Thank you! This is my concern – that the rate at which they’re etching continues apace and in five years they’re so bad they are unfixable or require even more invasive procedures.
Anon says
i am having the same problem! so commiseration.
Anonymous says
No advice about Botox, but if you want a new foundation try Face Atelier Ultra Skin. It’s silicone-based and avoids settling into fine lines. No need for a primer. It’s a bit pricey but it looks a lot better than drugstore foundation.
Emily S. says
I would try targeted retinol/lactic acid creams and serums before jumping to Botox. I’ve had good luck with Sunday Riley Good Genes and Neutrogena Advanced Wrinkle Therapy. For makeup, I like Supergoop! mattifying tinted sunscreen and clinique invisible primer with a light dusting of setting powder. Refreshing during the day (with a defense mist or blotting) helps makeup stay on the surface instead of sinking into my lines. Good luck! (Also it is okay to bemoan aging and want wrinkle cream one day and be totally fine with the lines another day.)
Anonymous says
I recently started slathering my face with aquaphor every night to combat dry skin from a retinol product. I was afraid I would break out, but it’s the total opposite – skin has never looked better, pores smaller, and as a total shocker it has minimized a lot of lines. (Don’t think it’s the retinol because it hasn’t been very long.). Obviously it wouldn’t be as effective as Botox, but could be a nice cheap thing to try.