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I recall that on my post about the Everlane pants, there was a comment or two from readers having trouble finding long enough pants for women taller than me (5’3″). For what it’s worth, at this height and with the current style of most things being cropped, I can easily find pants at the right length. However, I do remember that when full-length pants were the style, I would basically always have to get my pants hemmed. For taller women who want to wear full-length pants, I came across these “extra-long” pants at Zara. The description says the model is 5’10” — and she is wearing heels. These seem to be flying off the shelves; between the time I found this link and then went back to write this description, they sold out in size S and had already sold out in XL and XXL. If these are right for you, do not hesitate! They are $39.90 at Zara. Extra-Long Straight-Leg Pants
If you’re on the hunt for more tall pants, check out our most recent Corporette post on the best workwear for tall women. Good brands for tall sizes include J.Jill, J.Crew, and Boden.
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
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Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
My 4 year old has been losing his cool and acting out when both my husband and I are out of town for work at the same time. It happens very infrequently, but it’s causing a lot of issues with my husband. We both have very “big” jobs and I do t want this to be the straw that breaks the camels back, and I don’t want to tell my boss I can’t travel occasionally. I think my husband is over reacting (which I’ll talk to him about), but anyone else go through this? Any tips for kiddo? Daniel tiger worked when he was 2, were past that being helpful. Did anyone switch jobs because of this? Thanks!
AwayEmily says
Yeah, my 4yo does something similar when one or both of us travels. It is very, very normal. In terms of advice, maybe trying to explain to your husband that this is developmentally appropriate, that it will get better, etc. Personally I would not consider switching jobs because of it.
The good part of them being 4 instead of 2 is that you can start to brainstorm strategies with them. For example, my daughter likes to have her babysitter keep a list of things to tell us later. So if she says “I want Mama to play school with me!” the babysitter will say “okay, let’s write it down on the list so Mama will see it when she gets back.”
Anonymous says
Kiddo doesn’t like not having a parent. Which is completely normal and reasonable. So either you and husband both equally work to schedule around this or you accept that it’s gonna be rough. Don’t scale back your job tell your husband to.
Anonymous says
What your son is doing is normal. I’m confused about the husband piece– is husband upset at kiddo’s behavior and telling you not to travel? Because if husband is upset at how kid is acting, this should be a team effort at figuring out how to temper the acting out, as well as if your husband continues to be bothered by it, he should be leading the charge in figuring out how to have the travel be less of an impact on the kid.
OP says
I’m the one who typically “owns” parenting strategy, and this is making me think he can do a little more research on his own around this ;)
CCLA says
I like the idea of owning areas of effort, but gently, that seems like way too big of a category to “own”. Or, another way of looking at it, could you guys view it as your area to “own” but that means that you determine appropriate books or resources to refer to, which DH is then responsible for actually reading and understanding and implementing with you?
op says
amen sister. you are so right.
Jessamyn says
What kind of acting out do you mean? What “issues” is it causing with your husband? Is your husband telling you you should tell your boss you can’t travel?
Pogo says
Who is the caregiver when you both travel? My mom stays at our house, and she lets kiddo watch way more tv than we normally do, which I’m ok with because it’s relatively rare. But it also makes it something he looks forward to when Nana comes. Are there are things you can make special for your son and his caregiver when you are gone (meals, games, toys, etc)? We also keep all other aspects of his life the same – he still spends 9-10 hours/day at daycare with his normal caregiver and little buddies. He for sure acts up for Nana, but we also have her implement the same 1-2-3 magic discipline we use, which helps. We both travel for work and I don’t plan on scaling back – it’s part of my job. I’ve hired a PT nanny for the fall when he goes to preschool and she is also open to doing overnights or assisting my mom when we’re gone, which I think will be helpful. Definitely work with your caregivers on a strategy and add more caregivers if it’s stressing out the main one.
OP says
Love the idea of special things. Right now its special dessert, but maybe we have a few toys that are only for those days.
Anonymous says
If you’re only occasionally traveling, can your husband request not to travel during those weeks?
OP says
Eye opening to think of it as developmentally appropriate and something that might now be as bad 2-3 years from now (even if it’s still an issue). Husband is an investment banker, so he can’t reduce schedule and has limited flexibility right now. He makes more, but I think i have a lot of long-term career potential and don’t want us to make career tradeoffs just based on who makes more today. Husband is VERY supportive in general, but for some reason this specific hot topic gives him a ton of anxiety (probably bc he feels out of control and it highlights how little flexibility he has). The kids stay with my parents when we are out of town, so some of these comments are making me think we need to ask my parents to consider staying at our house so the routine is more consistent (I think they get less sleep at their house too). They are with a nanny most of the day. Kiddo is acting out through more temper tantrums, refusing to get in the car to go to grandparents, and freakouts when we tell him about a trip. He also figured out he can call dad from Alexa, so husband has been getting lots of sad calls from son (and maybe we should disable alexa, bc I don’t think the calls are constructive). Honestly, it’s so helpful to hear that this is probably normal and a fact of life for the next 1-2 years vs. something we are doing wrong or something that is causing irreparable emotional damage to our son.
Anonymous says
Definitely disable Alexa calling!
shortperson says
i did a six week out of town trial with a large team when my kid was 1. the parents of 4-5 year olds were getting the tearful phone calls every night. my daughter missed me but was totally cheerful about my absence, and i made a mental note that ages 4-5 would be hard for work travel. sure enough, now that she’s 5 she’s very upset when i leave, even if it’s just a night thing that makes me miss dinner and bedtime (and this usually happens twice a week! to allow me to WFH the other three days! i see her a lot!) i think it’s normal and i expect it will get better in about a year, so it in no way affects my own career plans.
Anonymous says
In my experience ages 4-8 are actually rougher for this vs. ages 1-4. We only talk about any trips 2-3 days in advance. Anything else just builds anxiety. Grandparents always stay at our house for morning/evening routine and nighttime sleep – they usually drive back to their own house during the day while kids are in school/child care. Familiar environment will be a game changer.
Your DH should also push back on rescheduling his trips where possible.
Anonymous says
+1 this is my approach/experience. Also, we have an au pair, which has made this easier. She’s not supposed to stay alone overnight with the kids, but it is a lot easier for my mom to just drop in for dinner and spend the night and be there in the morning, when it’s two of them. Makes it all a lot less stressful.
Cb says
We did four days of potty training and I’m feeling cautiously optimistic. I took Monday and Tuesday off and he only had one accident yesterday and was taking himself to the potty without loads of prompting. He even had a poo. Nursery wants pull ups so I sent him in those today, we will see how they do. They thought he was too young (2.5) as loads of the big kids are still in pull ups but I was changing cloth nappies 7 times a day and over it so figured it was worth a shot.
Katy says
CONGRATS! That is so awesome. I think my little guy is just around your LO age and we are trying in 2 weeks when I am taking a Friday off. Thank you for the vicarious hope!
Wondering if you did the pants with no undies thing? Did that seem to help?
Cb says
We did naked on bottom, much to my prim son’s chagrin. But we stuck around the house. We did got for a few walks and did no undies and I’ve sent him in leggings so he can pull them down.
Katy says
Thanks.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our older one was just under 2.5 and we did the Oh Crap method so I don’t think he’s too young. We still brought in pull-ups for daycare for a bit, particularly for naps, and just let them know we were training him and to do lots of bathroom trips.
Anony says
Have any of you done a credit freeze for your kids? Trying to decide whether it’s worth the time.
Em says
Yes, I did. I have one on my own credit, as well.
Anon says
I froze my own credit (my info was in the Equifax breach) but haven’t gotten around to freezing my kid’s credit. It’s one of those things that I would do if I had more time but I’m busy and it just isn’t a priority.
FVNC says
Yes. It was a bit of a pain in that it can’t all be done electronically (I think? It’s been a few years…) but seems worth it, in that it helps ensure no adverse credit effects from identity theft. My husband and I also have our credit frozen since all our families’ information was compromised in the OPM hack a few years ago.
Spirograph says
Yes. And my husband and I also keep our credit frozen (we’re impacted by OPM, Equifax and who knows what else). For kids, it’s a one-time time investment, you don’t even have to worry about unfreezing and refreezing it!
I had a coworker who was a victim of identity theft last year. He took several days off of work as part of the clean up… obviously not everyone with unfrozen credit will face that, but it is a definite “stitch in time saves nine” thing, and it really doesn’t take very long!
Anon says
Are there downsides to freezing your kid’s credit? I am conservative and would like to, but my husband does not.
Spirograph says
None that I am aware of, what is his concern?
Mrs. Jones says
Yes. It really doesn’t take much effort.
Anon says
how does h&m clothing run for toddlers?
anon says
It seems to run slightly small for us. Cute stuff though!
Anon says
They group sizes and it runs like the smaller size, so 2-4Y is 2T not 3T.
AwayEmily says
I wish I had a better answer but we get a lot of clothes from H&M and once you get out of baby sizes, the sizing seems all over the map. My 2yo is currently wearing one shirt that’s size 3-4 but also has a size 2 shirt that’s down to his knees. I find the shirts and dresses are super variable but the pants are a bit more true to size.
Marilla says
I find sizing is all over the place but they have cute stuff at good prices. Their play dresses are awesome (if you have a little girl, right now they have an Elsa dress that is super popular). Best to buy in person (so you can visually assess size) or be prepared to return. Don’t be like me – I have kept a bunch of stuff assuming they’ll grow into it and a lot of that stuff never gets used.
Cate says
Aaaand buying that Elsa dress for my girl now!
Marilla says
Hahah welcome to the club – she wears it every chance she gets and I’ve seen it on 2 other girls in her class in the past week as well.
rosie says
At least the pants seem to run a little on the longer side, which is nice for my kid. As a point of comparison, the warmer fleece-lined pants/leggings from Carters in a size 4T are capris on her, but H&M lined leggings in 2-3Y should last through the end of the winter (she’s almost 3, off the chart for height).
Also, they seem to have frequent sales in store that I don’t see online, although I admit I don’t shop online there very often. Buy 2/get 1 on the conscious line and that kind of thing.
AwayEmily says
WTF is with those carters fleece-lined pants? I also got the 4Ts in those and they come to mid-shin. I wonder if it was a bad batch; Carters isn’t usually so far off.
rosie says
We also have some t-shirts in 3T that are almost crop tops, not sure what is going on w/Carters.
Anon says
thanks all. i have twin girls so i’ll be checking out those dresses. i have a gift card that i need to use up, but we never actually make it to stores to shop so will be ordering online
Anon says
My employer gives us three personal days per year. Our handbook say they’re for business that can’t be conducted outside of work hours and they list a few examples, one of which is “family responsibilities.” Do you think it’s ethical to use these days for school closures due to inclement weather and/or staff professional development? I have a separate pot of sick leave I can use when kiddos or I are sick, but otherwise I would have to cover these days out of vacation time.
CHL says
I’m in HR and generally personal days can be used almost exactly the same as PTO but they don’t accrue and don’t get paid out if you leave. Taking care of kids on an unexpected day or planned day off would be perfectly acceptable at most companies where I have been.
Anon says
For sure
Anonymous says
Yes clearly.
Anon says
I think personal days are intended for exactly these kinds of reasons for missing work in addition to stuff like meeting the plumber.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I would treat these just like you would other PTO. We’ve got 3 floating holidays which I treat as PTO as well – I can’t imagine a situation where I would have to prove I’d use them for holiday vs. PTO.
anon says
+1
In my company, we get 3 personal days in addition to vacation days. Vacation rolls over, personal doesn’t, so my manager unofficially advised me to use my personal days for my first 3 non-sick days off. No one cares what they’re for.
Anontoday says
Anyone have tips for meeting mom-friends? We live in the burbs of the SEUS and are expecting our first kid this summer. None of my current friends have kids or are planning to anytime soon. I will be taking 3 months of maternity leave and then planning to keep kid at home till about 1 year before sending him daycare. I’d love to meet people with kids around the same age, but I’m not sure where to start. I’ve played with the Peanut app a little, but people don’t seem super outgoing in my area.
Do I need to just be outgoing and go to prenatal yoga/exercise classes and talk to people? Or is it easier to wait till the kid is here and find people to set up playdates with? I’m naturally more introverted, but understand the importance of having friends in a similar season as my family.
Anon says
Try to find out if there are local parent listserves or FB groups. That’s where we have all our parent friends from, staring with coffee shop meetups with newborns while we were all on mat leave.
Anonymous says
+1. And then daycare and preschool classmates.
rosie says
Look for new moms groups in your area. Hopefully you can find someone (a therapist, a post partum doula, etc.) that is running a group that will get you a group of moms with similarly aged babies. It’s a nice way of getting comfortable taking your baby out, since it can be overwhelming to figure out feeding, changing, etc. at first and there will be a supportive group who are dealing with the same things, and that may naturally turn into coffee/lunch afterwards.
If you like yoga classes, by all means, check that out.
Butter says
+1 to finding a new mom group. It can be an incredibly bonding experience to share the ups and downs of having a newborn. I paid to join one that was for a set number of weeks (I think 6 or 8), and it was totally worth it because the same group showed up every week and we all went through the “curriculum” together. We would also go out to brunch or lunch after, and it was incredibly empowering to take over a large table in a restaurant with 8 moms and 8 infants at a time when I was largely afraid to leave the house for any other reason.
Also agree with finding a Facebook group for moms in your area. If it’s a good one it will unlock all sorts of stuff, from free trades of baby gear, to playdates, to having somewhere to post at 3am when you’re up feeding and know that someone else will do the same.
Boston Legal Eagle says
+2 Same here! I attended two new moms groups when my first was born and they really helped with both getting comfortable outside with a baby and with my mental health (I was going through a job loss at the time as well). I’m still on a text chain with one of the groups and it’s great to see the kids grow up through pictures and to see siblings added.
I would advise OP to not think of this as trying to meet life-long forever friends, but more of a widening of your circle to those who are in the same boat. This can apply to making daycare parent friends and eventually elementary school parent friends. I’m personally ok with having a variety of “seasonal” friends who can be a big support while maintaining a small number of close friends, who may be spread out geographically.
Anonymous says
Definitely recommend parent/baby yoga classes and infant lapsit library storytime for meeting people. Yoga is the easiest place to take a baby. You’re in a relaxing studio where people are feeding and diaper changing and shushing their baby all over the place. It can be really intimidating to take a baby out and it was the one place I could swing even on bad days.
Anonymous says
I also should add that maybe it was just where I went but my yoga class was designed to help you meet people. We would always do introductions as part of the class and had time to chat before and after.
DLC says
Our hospital has a mom’s group and a pre and post natal yoga/ excercise classes, and I met a great group of people there. If you take a child birth class, that’s a good way to plant friendship seeds, too- it’s never too early. I have to say, I’m pretty introverted and I just forced myself to talk to people and get their numbers, and find the flimsiest excuses to have them over for coffee. Literally- “Oh! You’ve been to England! I would love to hear about that- do you want to come over next week?” Or invite them on a walk- summer is a great time to have lots of excuses to plan outings. I’ve found a lot of new mothers are tentative and shy (and with all the judgement you might run into out there, no wonder)- so people are often grateful and more than excited to return overtures of friendship.
Anonymous says
I think it’s easier once baby is here, although prenatal yoga would be one place to meet ahead of time. Then you’ll have someone to chat with about pregnancy things, too.
Once baby is here, try postpartum support groups (PACE is great in DC area), baby feeding groups (local hospitals or doula groups may offer breastfeeding groups or weigh-ins), story time, music classes, even just hanging out at a coffee shop with your baby.
Anon says
I’ve found this super difficult. I met my only mom friend in our Bradley Method class.
Anon says
Yes, to a prenatal yoga class, also yes to story time (library?) or other free classes. Our local hospital had meetups for PPD and just … “babies” (wigglers, crawlers, walkers age groups).
Also big in my area a few years ago was “Hike it Baby”, not sure if there’s a branch in your area.
Good luck!
Lily says
See if there are any “mommy and me” classes in your area. Like a structured class with a small class size (under 10-12 families) and bonus points if there is a class just for first-time moms. I went to one with my daughter starting when she was 1 month old, and we went until I went back to work, so for about 4 months, which was 2 sessions of the class. A year later I’m still friends with 3-4 of the moms and we get together frequently. The class was led by a social worker (also a mom) and we basically just talked about different topics every week (sleep training, feeding, toys, developmental goals, husbands). There was a lot of venting and a lot of tip-giving. It was great. the best part was that it gave me a reason, once a week in the dead of winter, to get myself and daughter dressed (in a cute outfit!) and get out of the house for 2 hours.
anon in brooklyn says
I found it nearly impossible to get out of the house with a baby for a specifically timed meetup. I’m an introvert, and also found group meetups while wrangling my baby to be really stressful. I made all of my mom friends in the park near my apartment—we were all the ones pushing babies in strollers trying to get them to nap. I just talked to anyone else who was also there with a small baby.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
First of all – congratulations!!!
I’m an n of 1, but seeking out “mom friends” never worked for me. I went to prenatal yoga (more for the exercise) and never really fell in with the (very nice) groups that were forming. I went to a BFing group 2x and sobbed both times and then later found out the LC facilitating was seen as a bit controversial in the community. Again, very nice women there, but not my scene. That being said I also felt incredibly isolated as a new Mum, so perhaps I could have been better about making effort. I also don’t love getting together and talking solely, or even largely, about kids/kid stuff, and would rather discuss celebrity gossip and beauty trends, so this could also be a me problem.
As DS got out of the newborn phase, it was easier to chat with other parents at his daycare – we did befriend a family with a son in his class. However, more than friends in the same season, I’ve valued my older friendships even more as a mom – whether we’re in the same place or not, we can still learn and be there for one another.
Anon says
I personally think it will be easier to meet mom friends once you have the baby vs before. Take the time before to hang with your non kid friends as much as possible (you still will after the baby, but just with decreased frequency). Once you have the baby you have kind of that commonality that you don’t necessarily have before with otherwise strangers. Also, you more appreciate nuances of how different being friends with say, a mom with a baby 6 months older vs a mom with a baby closer to your baby’s age is.
I met my closest mom friends at a moms group I actually paid for, as it was run by a therapist. I know some people hate that idea, but it was facilitated really well and what the paying did is it made it very organized and was a consistent group of women that showed up every time (since we all wanted our money’s worth!), which led to deeper connections I think than just running into a mom once or twice at an ad hoc group. Kind of similar, I saw moms make friend connections at my baby Gymboree classes, since again it was something everyone paid for and therefore the same group would show up every time.
Maybe I’m just bad at making free friends, ha ha. But I think really in general I’m just bad at making friends in groups where who shows up is not consistent.
Anon says
Oh, I also made some of my better mom friends at Baby Boot Camp! There is likely one or similar in your area.
Anon says
I’ve met my mom friends through a MOPS group. It does embrace a Christian outlook but draws some of the nicest people and is really supportive. It meets every other week, and you are assigned to sit at the same table each time, so is a great way to get to know people without feeling overwhelmed. They have speakers and a time to share your joys and challenges.
Anonymous says
All of the people I know who have mom friends from the baby/toddler stage met them at MOPS, but where we live it’s geared towards SAHMs and meets during the workday.
Anonymous says
Highly recommend any kind of new parents support group- with my first baby I went to one at the local library and am still friends with those people despite moving away. Second child I couldn’t find a great one so I went to what was basically a breastfeeding support group (stated it was friendly to all kinds of feeding but led by a lactation consultant) with the express purpose of meeting people. Did make one friend!
We have made our best parent friends through very aggressive friend making at daycare, though, which is easier once the kids can interact around age 1. I honestly also stop people on the street in our neighborhood if they have the right age kids, and it’s a very effective strategy!
Anon says
I found a moms group called TAPS if you’re in RDU, but they have branches in some other cities by other names. I think the national group is PEPS. Another suggestion would be fit4mom.
Anon says
Quite variable, in our experience! My almost 3yo has 12-18 month pants and 2-3y dresses that all fit perfectly. Seconding that it’s cute, reasonably priced, and lasts a while.
Anon says
Oops, meant for H&M.
little kid luggage says
Give me all your recs for best little kid rolling suitcase. We have a few trips coming up and need our 3 1/2 year old to tote his own bag. I think he will be able to pull something light (I guess we’ll see). Thanks!
AwayEmily says
there was a good thread on rolling suitcases awhile back where a lot of folks who traveled with little kids commented…one of the helpful takeaways for me was that asking kids that young to roll their own suitcases is a bit risky if you have big airports with quick layovers, but for direct trips it can work well.
Anonymous says
He’s too little to do this. He will be a menace in an airport with a rolling bag. At most, he can wear a child sized backpack.
Marilla says
The Trunki is popular – check your local FB marketplace for 2ndhand. No personal experience though as I’ve never had my kid carry move than a light skip hop backpack with snacks and toys for the plane. It seems like it would be easier to get a kid that age to pull something more toy-like and at their height.
FVNC says
I asked this question a few months ago because my 6 yr old asked for a suitcase for Christmas. We wound up getting her an American Tourister “underseat spinner” in a fun pattern. It’s not specifically a kid suitcase, but it’s a great size for her (for reference, she’s pretty tiny for her age, not quite 4 feet tall, not quite 40 lbs) and seems to be good quality.
Spirograph says
We have ones from Target, each kid got to pick their own so they have different patterns, and my kids love them. They are toys when they aren’t actually on a trip with us, so they get a LOT of use and abuse, and have held up well for 2-3 years.
Mrs. Jones says
We got our 2-year-old a suitcase from Heys America Travel Tots on Amazon. It lasted a good five years, and the cute panda design was a big hit.
Anonymous says
When did y’all first decide to hire a babysitter for a night out (like 2-3 hours)? Our son is 7 months and I still feel like it’s too soon, but hopefully before he’s 1 we’d like to be able to do this. No family in the area or friends comfortable watching babies (and our wonderful daycare teachers are not allowed to do side gigs), so we’d have to go the Care.com route.
Anonymous says
It’s not too soon. Start doing it now. Begin with a meet and great if you want, do a 4-7 where you go grab a drink from 5-7. The longer you wait the harder it is.
ALC says
I’m glad to hear this opinion! I was talking to a (male) partner at my firm the other day who has an 18-month old who said he and his wife haven’t used a babysitter yet, and how weird it would be to leave their child with a stranger, etc., and I wasn’t sure if that was the prevailing view.
Anon says
The “it would be weird to leave our child with a stranger” comment is gross and sexist. But fwiw, we still haven’t left our 2 year old with a non-family sitter, although we have done overnight trips to the nearest big city while she stayed with grandparents. We just don’t really feel the need for a local “night out” because there isn’t anything in our small town that we want to do that we can’t bring our kid too. I definitely don’t judge anyone who uses non-family sitters regularly. For some people, lack of babysitters is definitely just because of a lack of interest/motivation, not judgment or the feeling that their child would be harmed by it.
Anonymous says
I’ve had a lot of luck asking day care teachers if they have friends who babysit.
Anon says
i don’t think there are any rules about “too soon.” i know people who do it like at 3 months and others who wait longer. i am admittedly feel like i did not set the best example with this as so far we’ve only left our 20 month old twins with babysitters once they were asleep mostly bc i really like my sleep and a lot of babysitters seemed totally fine with the idea of putting two kids to sleep, but two such little kids is hard. we’ve found babysitters through a local moms facebook group
katy says
we fortunately had family for the first year of the LO’s life – after than we had to use baby sitters. One option with a very little one is going out after they go down. Like have the babysitter arrive so the baby has seen her (him) but you actually do bedtime.
I have had great success with coworkers’ teenage children (bonus points for in the neighbourhood). we don’t have friends with old enough kids – but knowing the coworker is a great reference!
AwayEmily says
Post-bedtime can work really well. Our kids are 2 and 4 and we still usually only go out after the kids are in bed (aka 7:30). That gives us plenty of time to go out, and we don’t have to deal with the hassle of the babysitter learning the bedtime routine, etc. We do make sure that the kids see the babysitter and know she’s there, though, in case they wake up and need something.
When we only had one and she was a baby, we would trade off babysitting with another couple we knew who had a baby. One weekend one of them would come by and watch our monitor, and the next weekend one of us would go over there and return the favor.
Anonymous says
For my first kid we had a nanny until he was about 15 months old and used her as a babysitter. After we fired her, I posted on our neighborhood listserv, and we ended up with a lovely college-age neighbor and a early 20s neighbor as our “regulars” and then luckily had a daycare that allowed teachers to babysit.
Second kid, probably like 3-4 months, because second kid. :)
anon says
Um, five weeks? Do it! You have to get comfortable sometime! Most of the people we would think about hiring were more qualified to take care of a newborn than I was…
Anon says
+1 million
I know it is scary/overwhelming for some, but 7 months is definitely not too young.
Anonymous says
+ a million. I have friends whose oldest kid is seven YEARS old, and has literally never had a non-family babysitter other than her nanny. Their lack of comfort with any other babysitters severely constrains their ability to have a social life. (Kids are healthy, no special needs, etc)
Mrs. Jones says
+1
CCLA says
Yep, a few weeks old. And I really believe it has made it easier to go out as they’ve gotten older b/c for both kids, they’ve been regularly hanging with a sitter for a few hours a couple of times a month since before they can remember. I am a broken record about this, but if you can swing it, nanny agency – those people were professional infant carers and knew way more about babies than I did and I didn’t have to do the leg work of background checking, references, etc. Agree with others that it can be easier leaving the first time if kiddo is already asleep.
Anon says
I’m a big fan of having a neighborhood teen babysit after bedtime. I give her instructions that she does not have to do anything with the baby unless baby cries for more than 15 minutes. Baby has always slept the entire time. Plus, at least one of her parents has been home , so there is a responsible adult right there if there was an actual emergency.
My baby is only 4 months and I’ve hired her a couple of times.
OP says
Do it! But Care.com wouldn’t be my first choice at that age and not having a connection to the person will probably make you more anxious about leaving baby for the first time. Friends of friends who have kids can suggest sitters, neighbors, coworkers kids, etc. Local college kids. Other daycare parents will know of good sitters.
SC says
We left my son with family for 2-3 hours when he was 5 weeks old. We went out for a few drinks for our anniversary.
Thoughts for HR ? says
Thank you for the link to the HBR article yesterday (re: What’s holding women back) – I think it is incredibly relevant to my organization! My organization has recently initiated a diversity push and I am “consulting” with HR on the matter. TBH consulting means that I am demanding that the VP HR speak to me. I have a few points of discussion for him this week and know that all you ladies have great thoughts on this issue. The one caveat I would throw out there is that we are Canadian – so mat leave is typically 1 year. [6 weeks paid (our organization’s election), the remainder on unemployment insurance. You can also spread out the 12 months of unemployment to 18 months].
a few thoughts:
1. The general issue that we aren’t taking it seriouslybecase in the corporate re-org we have hired 3 white men as our last 3 VPs including in legal and HR which surely would have had qualified female candidates. Previously we had 1 female VP (HR), who frankly got promoted to a position that she was not qualified for (her background was communications). She was unable to directly answer questions in a meetings without going back to consult with her team. That does not leave a great path in which other women can follow. Further they have replaced 2 male VPs (both Johns incidentally) with Director level positions held by myself and another woman. I am actually less offended by this than it would seem. I only have 7 direct reports – that hardly feels that it requires a “VP”.
2. Recently we instituted a policy whereby you can take certain designated Fridays off unpaid. Just over 10% of office staff do this. the VAST majority are women. I suspect that these women are getting about as much done as their male counterparts in a given month, but they are paid less for it. [Most of the office staff are professionals – accountants, LOTS of engineers etc. so it is project-based workload not hours / client service]. Arguably we have instituted a policy that is “woman friendly” but actually penalizes women for being the primary parent. Especially if they are missing out on informal networking / socializing that happens when the office is less busy because 10% of the staff is away.
3. I fundamentally believe that an underlying issue is that men view women as really competent people that work FOR them.[e.g.the leadership team ” we should hire more women, they work harder”]** These old school guys don’t actually see women as their peers. Any thoughts on how to gradually change their mindset.
** uumm yeah they are not going to the gym and getting protein shakes with their buddies.
I am passionate about trying to enable ALL parents to share in household responsibilities, including making it much more socially acceptable for men to take more than a couple weeks off for paternity leave. (My hubby was the first guy in his office to do so!!) On being respectful for scheduling meetings that don’t interfere with daycare pick up constraints. But slowly changing the old boys club is exhausting…. any suggestions on work / life implementations that have worked for your organizations.
NOTE: re: the HBR article, we are not a service provider with a huge burnout issue. people leave at a reasonable time – but I think that mentality that woman are going to WANT to take the accommodations is very much relevant to our and most organizations, which results in them being slotted into the good solid employees with no room for advancement bucket.
Thank you for your thoughts / suggestions on other ideas for HR.
Anonymous says
I don’t have concrete thoughts, but I do want to agree with your observation about women taking the unpaid time. DH is a VP level and he somewhat regularly peaces out at 4pm or 3pm or comes home to WFH at noon so he can get my kindergartner off the bus and start dinner (yes, he works from 12-5, but definitely not the full 5 hours since he’s chatting with our kiddo and prepping dinner). He of course works on stuff at night and on weekends, but he definitely does NOT take that time unpaid. His coworker/friend, who is also a mom of a young child, is always taking PTO for misc stuff. They are at a company with generous PTO, so they have buckets to take, but he doesn’t see it as time off and she does. FWIW DH makes $25k more than his female counterpart, and he knows it (he has access to salary data), and he’s tried several times to tell her this to help her advocate for herself…and her response has been (almost verbatim) “I trust [the company] to pay me what I’m worth.” I suggested he tell her point-blank what he makes, since his nudging isn’t getting her anywhere. This happened because they were both in director level roles. when DH was asked to take on new stuff, he asked for a VP title, VP salary and VP benefits (a big bucket of options). A year or so later, his female counterpart was asked to take on new stuff and she asked for the title. She didn’t demand salary/ benefits (mainly options) and later told DH she was going to prove herself then ask for the money.
DO NOT BE DH’s COUNTERPART. ASK FOR THE MONEY!
Anonymous says
see above: “can I take personal days as PTO?” This is not a question my DH would have ever asked. (not trying to make the OP feel bad! I would have asked too!)
Anon says
I’m the OP of that thread and fwiw I do take my personal days for childcare without asking anyone for permission. I asked here because a (childless) co-worker shamed me about it, and I wanted other’s opinions or, perhaps more accurately, validation (realizing of course that this is not an entirely unbiased pool…)
Pogo says
1000000% this
Boston Legal Eagle says
How do you convince a “good old boy” man that caregiving and time outside of work has value and that success isn’t just about how many hours you put in at work or how much you put work above everything else? I have no clue, especially in a society driven by money and profits, but I’m seeing the younger generation reject this line of thinking more than our parents’ generation. Personally, my husband and I have both succeeded in our roles and been given praise “despite” having childcare responsibilities (i.e. husband leaves at 4:30 everyday for pick-up) but then again neither of us wants to be SVP precisely because the culture there tends toward workaholic ism and lots of travel/facetime.
AIMS says
Just booked our first big plane trip with 2 kids and looking for all the tips. Kids will be 4 and 2 at the time.
Do they need something to make the plane seatbelts works (I remember there being something for babies)? What about car seats? I would really rather not fly with 2 car seats but we will be staying about an hour from the airport and then doing a fair amount of driving. Is renting car seats from car rental place a bad idea? Or I was thinking of ordering two cheap seats to the place we’re staying but that means driving without a car seat to our destination which is probably a bad idea…. the logistics of all this is probably why we haven’t done this sooner.
Anon says
we fly with two car seats all the time. we have twins and have been doing so since their first flight at 6 months. its a lot of schlepping, but manageable. i am paranoid about luggage being lost, so we (DH) drags our car seats through the airport in these wheelie bags, while i push the kids in the stroller. going through security with car seats is kind of a pain, but otherwise not a big deal. we use 2 peg perego car seats for travel, which otherwise live in our nanny’s car because they are lighter than the cleks we have in our car and easier for us to install. i know some people purchase separate lighter travel car seats, but we did not want to purchase 6 car seats at the same time. i would not recommend driving without a car seat to your destination.
Anon says
I have checked carseats as baggage before and it works well. It is also free. You may want to buy a light weight / cheap carseat for this – Cosco Scenera for the 2 yo and some kind of light 5 pt harness for the 4 YO? You may have to pick up the carseats from the “oversized” luggage area in the destination airport. The worst part is lugging it into the airport.
I haven’t ever done carseats on the plane, but it’s personal preference, I know some people love it. You could also buy a 5-pt harness for the plane seat (try amazon). We have always just put them in the seatbelt across their lap, even at 2.
Your level of comfort may vary, but I have done taxi rides with two kids without carseats up to 40 minutes in a city setting. I wouldn’t recommend it, because I felt very nervous and in hindsight should not have done that.
Jeffiner says
Take the car seats on the plane, but the kids have to be in window seats. The kids are safer, they are up higher so they can see out the windows, and they might like the familiarity of the car seat. Get a couple of Go-Go Babyz handles to strap to the car seats, and you can wheel them around the airport like luggage. The kids can sit in them while you wheel them around, and you won’t need strollers. Car seat cupholders have never been more useful than on a plane.
The CARES harness can be used if you don’t want the carseats.
Check your luggage, only carry on stuff for the kids – toys, books, snacks, headphones, electronics, change of clothes. Pack an extra shirt for yourself in the carry on, too. Pack one diaper per hour of flight plus one extra, and you’ll have plenty. Planes tend to dehydrate you, so bring extra water or juice on board, or wet snacks like fruit.
Absolutely do not drive without car seats to the destination.
Anon says
Counterpoint – my 2 year old is much happier just sitting in the airplane seat and has been since we first let her do it when she was 12 months. If your kids don’t love car seats in cars, they probably won’t love them in the plane.
NYCer says
+1. We never use car seats on the plane. If we have to bring a car seat, we always check it (have done gate check and regular checked bag – it is free either way).
anon says
+2 my two-year old would have been annoyed by it and my four year old would be insulted, for lack of a better word, to be stuck in a carseat. curious if those commenting about kids in carseats mean four year olds? That’s pretty old.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
We take the car seat, but I never check it (paranoia) – so I schlep it to the gate. We use the Cosco Scenera Next for travel so it’s not terrible, and I bought a hook that clips it on to the stroller so as long DS is in the stroller, we’re good.
Don’t drive without a carseat, trust your gut. I do have a friend who does take the cab/rideshare without a car seat with her son and her only reasoning is they are going <25 MPH on heavily trafficked city streets in NYC.
Anon says
I have to confess I do not understand the logic of not using carseats in NYC cabs. I know people do it, but…. cabbies drive like complete maniacs and hit things all the time! I trust myself and my husband so much more than NYC cabbies, and I would never dream of not using a carseat in our car, even though we don’t commute on the interstate either.
AIMS says
I think it’s a calculated risk, for sure. I take cabs with my kids without car seats and it’s not optimal but we usually aren’t going fast and aren’t on a highway and I will say that my cab drivers have all been absolutely wonderful. We also did two cab rides to and from an airport once without a car seat and i was very nervous about that but, again, it was a calculated risk that I decided I was comfortable with as compared to lugging a car seat for a week long trip where it would be used for exactly 45 minutes.
Anonymous says
So stupid. Most car accidents happen in those circumstances
Anon says
Fwiw, we travel a lot and I always lug a carseat along even though we usually only use it on the 30 minute cab ride to/from the destination airport, and otherwise get around on foot and subways (and trains, in Europe). It’s unfathomable to me to have an infant or toddler in a car without a carseat. It’s a pain to bring a carseat with you, but that’s part of traveling with a young child.
Anonymous says
You have an idiot friend
Anon says
But I think this is what most people in NYC do! Not just one random person.
Anonymous says
False! Maybe 30 years ago. Yes people here aren’t doing this nonsense rear facing at 4 stuff but babies and toddlers always in a car seat.
Anonymous says
We travel internationally every year and we always check their car seats using the padded protective bags (Clek brand seats and bags).
I’m a stickler for car seat safety – five point harness until end of grade 1. High back booster until end of Grade 4. I feel much different about the risks associated with flying. It’s much safer than driving – the comparison isn’t even close. The reason that they don’t require is that the number of child deaths would increase because more people would drive instead of fly and if more people drove, there would be more accidents and more child deaths which would exceed the number of child lives saved via car seats on planes.
GCA says
Have hauled 2 kids (1.5 and almost-5) back and forth to Asia and across the US. I view each trip as 4 chunks: getting from home to the airport, the flight/s, getting from destination airport to lodging, and getting around your destination. What are your travel arrangements and car seat needs on each? (My view on car seats on planes is totally kid-dependent and flight-dependent – mine would not stay in their seats for long flights.)
When visiting family, we usually have a booster seat and often a car seat at the other end, so we have often left the car seats at home. I’ve also checked car seats with no problem, and rented car seats along with our car rental, also with no issues. Depending on the size and behavior of your older kid, you might consider a RideSafer vest or mifold booster for short distances. Lots of options!
Anonymous says
I would bring one carseat that both kids could use, and rent one. That way, if you end up wiht an infant seat, your 2 y/o can use it and your older can use the one you brought. If it’s a high back booster, stick your 4 y/o in the rented one and pop your 2 y/o into the one you brought.
I would check the carseat unless you think the 2 y/o would travel better in it (mine would not).
Anon says
My newly 3yos travel better in carseats, so we bring them in the plane. Even once we stop doing that I still plan to gate-check them, just because it makes it that much more likely to arrive at your destination.
I strongly recommend cheap, lightweight travel seats to make getting through the airport less of a hassle. Costco Scenera Next for your 2yo, Cosco Finale for your 4yo. We either stack seats on a folding luggage car, pile them in the stroller, hang them from the stroller handlebar, or put them in a gate check bag with backpack straps, depending on the trip.
It’s a pain, but I’ve done airports with 2 carseats and 2 toddlers all by myself, so it’s doable, especially with a second adult.
Anonymous says
I didn’t know you could gate check car seats! So interesting! I’ve only seen that for the infant bucket seats that are part of a stroller before.
Anon says
Yep, you can either luggage check or gate check both a stroller and a carseat for each child. I suppose at some point they might stop letting you do that, but up until at least 5 they’ll definitely accept carseats.
AIMS says
My 2 year old is a big 2 year old. Do you think it makes sense to get the Cosco Finale for him too? Just looked it up and it looks like he would meet the minimum height/weight criteria and this way we can use it longer but not sure if that really is wise.
Anon says
If he’s 30 lbs, then yes! My 3yos aren’t yet, so they’re still in Sceneras, but will switch once they get bigger.
CCLA says
We have a 1.5 and 3.5yo. Here is what we do:
1. Drive to the airport and park, so they sit in their reg seats. This is a little more expensive but easier.
2. 3.5yo does fine in just the airplane seat, and I’m comfortable at this age with her being in just a snug belt (CARES harness works fine for her too). 1.5 yo uses the cosco scenera next on the plane, rear facing.
3. Immi Go seat gets carried on the plane with us (it fits overhead or under 3yo’s seat).
4. Use Cosco and Immi seats at destination, then do the whole thing in reverse.
The Immi is forward facing only, so I wasn’t comfortable using it until DD was 3, but since then I’ve found it easier than using a Cosco seat for her.
AIMS says
This is all super helpful everyone! Thank you!
I think we will def get the Cosco seat everyone recommends for the 2 year old and I am very curious about this Immi Go seat (just looked it up), though may just get the Cosco one too.
Thanks all!
Anon says
Immi Go is easier to transport, just costs a lot more than the Finale. :)
Anon says
At what age is it reasonable to expect a kid to say please and to actually not hand over the item until they say please?
AwayEmily says
As per the advice from various parenting books and also the kids’ teachers, we don’t do that because we don’t want to get into power struggles with them. Instead, we will usually say “can you ask me in a nicer way?” and most of the time they comply. If they don’t, I don’t withhold the item, though I may say something like “next time, I’d like it if you said ‘can I please have that.'”
I think this strategy has been pretty successful — my 2yo says please and thank you at least half the time. We also model it with each other, probably to excess.
Anonymous says
we make my 20 month old say please and thank-you. I’m not sure when we started but she’s verbal enough to handle it.
Anon says
I’ve come around to the idea that consistently modeling the behavior you want to see is better than demanding it in the moment for the toddler and preschool set…so make sure you always say please and thank you around your kid (and if someone gives them something, *you* say “thank you!” instead of “kid, what do you say?”) Same goes for apologies, picking up toys, etc., to an extent. I’ve come around to the idea that, in the long-term, it’s better for your kid to internalize/develop behaviors organically, and by following your lead, than to do things primarily because it’s an external requirement (within reason — there will be some situations when you do have to instruct). I know that’s a little too woo-woo for some people though, ha.
Making your kid say please before you help them seems like you are setting up a power struggle, and for my own strong-willed kids would probably not be great for our relationship overall (again, all the caveats that sometimes this may be appropriate!) That said…maybe age four or five?
Anon says
We don’t withhold the item but we ask our two year old to say please and thank you and she does most of the time.
K. says
I think a lot of this depends on language development. I would say that my very verbal toddler used please and thank you regularly from 18 months old–mostly without prompting–sometimes with some prompting. We taught her to use sign language to say please and thank you at around 12 months. We just expect it to be said every time and give a reminder if needed.
My oldest was like that too at that age. Now at five, she is actually ruder (a lot of whining “Gimmes”) and we have to remind her more frequently!
I actually have no idea how typical this is, but that’s one person’s experience.
OP says
thanks all. i have a very verbal 21 month old, who for whatever reason hates saying please, even though she knows how to say it (she can’t yet say thank you, instead she says ‘like it’ whenever someone gives her something she has asked for) i try very hard to model it and don’t want to get into a power struggle, because she is stubborn and won’t give in but also don’t want to raise a rude child. currently when i ask her to say ‘please’ she doesn’t and repeats whatever she has asked for, as if she knows i want her to say please, but doesn’t want to comply. i guess i will try Away Emily’s approach
Anonymous says
I don’t generally withhold things unless the kid is being unreasonable and requires another tack altogether, but I usually remind my 26-month-old, and he usually complies (unless in the midst of a tantrum). This has been the case for maybe 6 months? (It’s all a blur.) I will say, like an earlier poster, that his older siblings can still be very rude when they want… civilizing the savages it is a long, ongoing process.
Anon says
I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do, but with our 5 year old we have started withholding things without a please or thank you. Reason: as he becomes more independent he is more often in situations where we aren’t around to always remind him (like drop off play dates etc) and the constant reminding him doesn’t seem to be automatically “sticking” like in my mind it should be at this point (based on observations of his peers), so we feel like we need to start having actual consequences. Not bad punishment, more just like “nope! Not going to get that for you. Try again in a little bit”.
Jury is still out of this will work. :)
Anonymous says
I hateeee when someone says “what do you say??” To my child to remind her to say please/thank you. We model the behavior and she says it about 50% of the time. If your child is below 2 I DEFINITELY would not worry about their manners. Just keep saying it in your household.
Anonymous says
For those of you already thinking about saving for college: how many kids do you have, how old are they, and what do you have saved/what are you planning to save? Mine will be going to college in 2033, 2035 and 2037 (oldest is in K this year). I have about $50k in their various college funds at this point. Technically, my oldest has 35k in “her” fund, and I have 15k in my middle’s fund, but since they are all 529s the beneficiary can change as need be. We are planning to save 75% of the cost of state school for all 3 kiddos in a 529. Then we’ll bankroll the rest between income and non-529 savings, or scholarships/loans if need be. Currently we are in a financial position to bankroll the difference out of payroll (assuming no daycare cost!!) but life changes, of course. We are ballpark assuming that college will cost $250k/kid ($150k/kid for state school) which is probably an underestimate.
We also have a wildcard in play which is that DH’s grandmother is still alive, but 92, and he and the kids will likely inherit some money when she dies, and if they kids get money it will very likely expressly earmarked for college/school. DH’s parents are wealthy and fairly old (69 and 80) and he/the kids will inherit from them as well. We are not counting on this money at all when we plan for college, but we do know it may be around so we don’t want to have too much tied up in 529s. We will likely have a much better picture of this aspect in the next 5-8 years or so.
Does this seem practical? We have savings happening in other accounts/areas, so if it seems like we need to be dumping more into the 529 this early on, then we can make that happen. I’m throwing extra cash at our mortgage but have recently been thinking it may need to go to the 529s.
Anon says
We have one kid who will go to college in 2036. Since her birth, we’ve contributed $5k/year to a 529, mostly for tax benefits, and relatives also make small contributions to it (a few hundred dollars/year). This will cover state school. If she gets into a top private school, we might get some aid based on our incomes (we would currently, and we don’t expect our income growth to significantly outpace inflation), and we will cover the rest out of current income.
TBH, daycare costs more than double in-state tuition at our state’s flagship universities so I’m not hugely worried about saving for college – we may very well spend less on our 19 year old’s education than we did on our 3 year old’s education.
Anon says
i think you are grossly underestimating the cost of a private institution. our financial advisor ran numbers for us and for a kid starting in 2036, he estimated $432k for a private institution. he used an ivy league as a benchmark for that. And for a public university he estimated around $130k using the national average for a public institution. My twins are currently 1.5 and there is about 30k saved for each at the moment across multiple 529s (we have generous grandparents and aunts/uncles which is what has made this possible and could not possibly have this amount otherwise). We were told that for the private ivy league we should be saving 9-10k per year per child and for the state school like $900-1k per year per child. in 8 years you would be a bit ‘behind’ for your first child, but could be ok for your younger 2 depending on how much you inherit. From a tax perspective, it would actually make much more sense for the grandparents to fund separate 529s for the kids starting now rather than waiting for them to just inherit the money
Anonymous says
That seems about right. We are not shooting to have 100% private tuition saved. We will certainly have that cash in the bank, but not specifically earmarked for college. I’m not sure if we’d want to fully fund private school, but we certainly plan to have the option.
FWIW DH and I met at a private ivy-cost-level school; his parents paid for his, mine paid for most of mine but we got some financial aid. I graduated with $35k in debt in 2004.
Anonymous says
The grandparents don’t operate in that way. We are assuming $0 though we are pretty sure the kids will get a bunch of money as DH’s parents have a bunch of money and these are the only grandkids.
Example: DH’s parents didn’t say a word about money when we were getting married. They generously hosted a rehearsal dinner. As our wedding present, they gave us a $50k check “to cover some of the wedding expenses.” Similarly, when DH graduated from business school, which we funded, they gave him a $20k check “to help with tuition.”
They don’t operate in a pre-plan or pre-discuss money sort of way. So we are going to operate as if it doesn’t exist.
Anon says
in that case, i think you are doing fine, but if you wanted to start an account for child #3 and start to fund that one a bit, or add more to one of the other accounts, that could make sense, but i wouldn’t stress since it seems like you have other savings vehicles. it is smart that you are assuming $0 from DH’s parents, but this is why I personally dislike how much some people hate discussing money. If the way their estate plans are written is such that the money inherited must go for your kids’ education, then it of course makes no sense for you to add more to the 529s now, but if it isn’t and the money is really going to just go to DH for you to do with it what you want, it could make sense.
Anonymous says
Not the OP but that is very helpful, thank you!
Anon says
I think you are doing amazingly well and do not need to stress. My oldest is in preK and we have no where near that much saved. My feeling is a lot could/willchange over the next decade (trade school will prob become more popular again and I will be totally happy if my kids want to and end up there). Saving for retirement is more important to me – kids can take out loans for school and we can help pay them with retirement funds if need be.
Anonymous says
I think everything needs to be a balance. I have more saved for my kid that will be starting kindergarten next year, but I only have one child, do not expect to inherit money, and live in a high cost of living area (and tuition). In my situation, it has been worthwhile to take advantage of the tax savings of the 529 plan. That may not be the case for you, if there is a chance that the children will receive money designated for that purpose. Have you spoke with a financial advisor about your situation? I found it helpful in deciding where to allocate our money
FVNC says
We’ve frontloaded our 529 savings because for the past few years we’ve had relatively low housing and daycare costs. As a result, we have about $84k in our 1st grader’s 529 and about $40k in our almost 3-yr old’s account. This includes some sizeable (~$15k each) contributions from a great-grandparent inheritance. Our savings rates will likely decrease over the next couple years as we’re about to relocate to an area with a higher COL than our current town. Our goal is to fully fund state college tuition, room and board, and partially fund private college for each of our kids. We may also have some grandparent help, but not counting on that as it could evaporate with end of life care.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’ve input my estimate of what 4 years of public college will be when my kids are the in mint, and we try to save up to that much for each (approx. $150K at the end, in the 2030s). If they want to go to private college, well that will be a conversation but I don’t want to save $400K per child for this. Especially if they then want to go to grad school! Grandparents help out with 529 savings.
shortperson says
our financial advisor said $50k by age 5 is enough for kid #1 and 25K for kid #2. we are about 10K away from stopping our contributions. these will grow over the next 13 years and we will plan to still be working and fund half at the time. if they even want it, they may take other avenues. the tax incentives are not amazing in CA and i’d rather bulk up our saving in other areas.
Spirograph says
well d@mn, this is making me feel very behind. If I’m counting correctly, my kids will be eligible to be college freshman in 2031, 2033, and 2034 or 5. A grandparent started a 529 for each of them, and I think there is around $1k per year of age in each. DH and I also finally started a 529 for each kid last year and put 5k in each, and now we have around $250/month per kid going in automatically.
TBH, I am not backing into these numbers by estimating future college costs, because it isn’t our goal to fully fund 4 years of college for each. We’re maximizing the tax advantages, but prioritizing other saving. The kids will get what they get when it’s college time if they choose to go to college. They can do some combination of military service, scholarships, loans and paid employment to make up the difference.
anon says
Same here. We are saving aggressively toward our own retirement, because we don’t want our children to ever have to support us, and saving for their education with what’s left according to our means, about 1k a year. They’ll have a little seed money, and if they choose a more expensive school, they can figure out how to fund the rest themselves. (Also worth noting that in our case they have a EU citizenship, so will have options for a less expensive education)
Anonymous says
Congrats on the humblebrag.
Anon for this says
Can anyone recommend a good divorce lawyer in Portland, ME? Asking for a friend (the dad) who may need one in what could shape up to be a nasty battle. One kid, one on the way.
So Anon says
Diane Dusini at Mittelasen is amazing and more high end. My highest recommendation would be Sarah Gilbert, who is located in Rockland (north of Portland) but is highly regarded and practices state-wide.
octagon says
Pre-k thoughts: help me out here. Kiddo is currently in a good-but-not-great preschool where he’s been since he was an infant. Loves the teachers and friends. This year they added a pre-k room which kiddo will be eligible for next year. I’m concerned that the teacher is not great and I’ve seen her kids watching videos in class.
We toured a school that seems like a much better fit for kiddo — lots of science focus and outside time — but he doesn’t do well with change and it would only be for one year, before going to K. The new school is slightly more expensive but manageable. Both are the same for commute/timing purposes.
Would you move your kid for one year out of a comfortable situation for slightly better academics? Part of me thinks yes, then part of me thinks – he’s 4, why am I worried about academics? Any perspectives welcome.
Anonymous says
Outside time would be the determining factor for me. It’s so great for kids and makes me feel less guilty about not getting outdoors in the evenings.
AwayEmily says
Kids can often adjust more easily than you expect, I think. My kid started a new school in the fall at age 3.5. She DEFINITELY does not deal well with change, and the first couple of weeks were hard, but she was totally fine in less than two months. We were similarly worried in a “why rock the boat?” sense but it has been such a fantastic move, for many of the reasons it sounds like your alternative is — more outside time, more creative, etc. It’s also worth noting that there will be big changes for him (new teacher, new rules, probably new kids) even if you stay in the same school since he’ll be moving to a new room. That ended up being one of the deciding factors for us — we figured that either way, she was going to have to get used to a new classroom and new teachers, so it might as well be one we liked more.
Anon says
I would definitely not move for academics – because yes, he’s four, and research shows kids do better when you delay formal learning as long as possible – but I would for outside or free play time. Is it a significant difference? My four year old is in a school we really like, except for the limited recess time. Also, from what I’ve seen/gathered, some video watching is fairly common in preschool (and beyond) when they are there for a full school day/week. If the outdoor time is not a huge difference (like, 30 min vs 60) and your kid is happy in his current setup, it may be worth it to stay another year, especially if the new school doesn’t transition to kindergarten (my son is in public preK so it’ll be the same group for K).
Anon says
Adding: based on where you live, it could be significantly less outdoor time than you’d expect (like, never going outside when it’s less than 40 degrees or raining per school rules).
Any way you could talk to current preK parents at your current place for their perspective?
Anonymous says
I disagree about videos being common. Even at the national chain center we used for a year, there were no screens in Pre-K. Our public schools also put substantial restrictions on videos. Even in high school, kids are only watching short clips directly related to the content of the lesson, or short pieces of a movie that is broken up over a couple of weeks in a foreign language class. Pre-K kids should not be watching full episodes of Magic School Bus or anything like that.
anon says
FWIW our kids go to the most in-demand preschool in our big city (which is admittedly super old school – this might out me) and they do movies on rainy days (think Max and Ruby). Kids look forward to them. I hadn’t thought too much about it until this board!
I still think it’s a great school and they’ve learned a ton.
Anon says
+1 our expensive, in-demand university-run daycare center uses “educational media” (videos, computer games, etc) for children over 2. I highly doubt it’s an every day thing (my child is under 2 so we don’t have personal experience with it yet) but they definitely don’t have a blanket “no screens” policy. I have zero concerns. I don’t think they’re using TV to babysit kids, I think they’re using TV clips or interactive games as an additional way of teaching kids. Our very highly-rated public schools do the same, fwiw.
GCA says
I would talk to current preK parents, and to fellow preschool parents about what they plan to do. I wouldn’t worry about academics* – it would not be the driving factor for me to switch. The main factor for me would be whether the teacher can manage a classroom in the way you prefer.
I also wouldn’t worry about kids adjusting – we moved at the beginning of the year and my son will be in his new daycare for a total of 8.5 months before heading to public K. If kiddo is changing classrooms even within daycare, there will be some adjustment needed anyway.
* New daycare is good-but-not-great; it appears to be somewhat more academically-focused – we didn’t pick it for this reason but rather for cost and convenience. They do a lot of closed-ended crafts rather than process art. I miss Fancy Expensive Old Daycare’s approach to engineering and science projects. But kids are astoundingly adaptable and kid 1 has suddenly gotten really into writing…!!
Anonymous says
How do the two schools compare on future (kindergarten) classmates? We switched for one year but into a preschool where most of the class was in our future K district.
octagon says
Good question – in the current preschool there is one kid (out of 9) that will be in the same K classroom. The new school is in an adjacent county (we are 0.5 miles from the line) and the majority of kids there go to that county’s school, though I don’t know the class breakdown. They are looking at a class of 10 students.
Anonymous says
Eh in that case, where you’d be moving him into a class of “strangers” and then moving him again to a K full of strangers, might just leave him where he is.
Strategy Mom says
I would only switch if i was planning on going to private school and thought the new school would significantly improve likelihood of acceptance. If not, your bright child will do great anywhere and a slightly lesser expereince for one year won’t impact elementary school trajectory. The elementary school knows the kindergarteners will be coming from a wide variety of backgrounds and they know how to even things out by the end of the first year.
Anonymous says
My kiddo is going to a classmate’s 6th birthday. It’s a girl she doesn’t know very well. What are some good generic gifts for the 6 year old girl crowd? I generally think Legos, but my daughter has a few friends that hate Legos.
Anonymous says
Drawing or crafting set? Melissa and Doug have a bunch – like paint your own jewelry box etc.
Anonymous says
Games- Sleeping Queens, Uno variations, Sushi Go; Craft/Magic/Science kits.
anon says
Stomp Rocket. Uno. Clue Jr. Fancy sidewalk chalk kit.
Blueberries says
Art supplies that get used up: air dry clay and paint, sketchbook and sparkly pens, beads
cbackson says
I’m due with my first in late June. Assuming I deliver on time, I’ll have help from my partner and my (local) parents for the first week to 10 days, after which both parents and partner will be gone for extended and previously planned trips booked a year in advance (parents on a cruise, partner on a special trip for his son’s birthday). I’m considering hiring a newborn care specialist and/or night nurse to help me while they’re gone. Any thoughts/insights on how to choose one or tips for using one effectively? And any other suggestions on ways to get through a week or so with a newborn and limited help? How far in advance should I try to get someone lined up?
(We have a house manager/family assistant who can handle household logistics/errands and a cleaning person so I’m most concerned about baby-specific difficulties.)
Anon says
Are you being induced? I understand your parents not rearranging their lives around this, but is there any way your partner can move his trip? The average first time mother who goes into labor spontaneously does so at 41w0d, so it seems to me like there’s a pretty good chance your partner will miss the birth unless you have a scheduled C or induction, and that wouldn’t be ok with me.
cbackson says
We’ve talked with my doctor, and she’s okay inducing if I go 5 days past due date, which would mean he wouldn’t miss the birth although he would only be home for about 4-5 days after. If something goes south in delivery, he’d miss it but otherwise it would be really hard – his custody arrangement gives him specific weeks with his kids for a trip each summer and while he and his former wife can agree to different ones, she’s not willing to consider that in this case (it’s a rough relationship even though they’ve been divorced for a good while). He could just not travel but that would be a huge disappointment for his son (he does a special trip with each kid on specific birthdays and kiddo has been looking geared to it for months) and I really feel like that’s important time for them to have together.
I know it will suck for me and he’ll be sad not to be there, but I just really want him +son to get to do this so I’m willing to gut it out.
Anonymous says
Inductions can last 2-3 days for a first time mom. I seriously think you’re underestimating childbirth and having a newborn. This is not about being tough enough and gutting it out.
cbackson says
I mean, trust me, I’m imagining this being pretty un-fun. I just don’t know what else to do other than hiring bucketloads of help that isn’t going to be horribly disappointing to his son given that it can’t be rescheduled.
Anonymous says
Can you sell it to the kid as a new tradition? Like special age trip is being rescheduled to next year because ‘special big brother’ trip is happening this year – getting to be one of the first ten people to hold the baby (you can fudge the numbers)/matching t-shirts/onesies/baby’s first visit to the park etc?
Anonymous says
It’s insane to me anyone is entertaining this idea. Kid gets told to deal with it.
Anonymous says
That sounds like a really tough situation. He’ll have lots of time to bond when he gets back. Do you have friends or siblings you can lean on? I have three kids but honestly if you were my BFF or sister, I’d happily leave them with their dad for a week to come help you out. Paid help isn’t a 100% replacement for having someone that knows you there in addition to paid help.
I would look for a post-partum doula over a night nurse – you need someone who will be able to look after you as well as baby. Look for someone with certifications and a registered nurse or social work background. Don’t be afraid to use more than one person. My doula was fab but she was also a full time social worker (MSW), so she couldn’t do night shifts but she had lots of connections and set me up with someone who could. And don’t be afraid to throw a lot of money at this. The best way to take care of your baby is to take care of your mental health, and that involves lots of support for new moms.
Anonymous says
What does their agreement say about dispute resolution? If there’s arbitration, I’d be inclined to seek alternate weeks for the trip. This is a pretty huge imposition she is imposing.
Alternate suggestion is for stepchild to get a special trip to meet new sibling (your baby) and do special activities near your home PLUS special trip next year.
anon says
I concur that your partner needs to be willing to reschedule his trip. With my first, I was induced a week late and then the induction took 3 days. Then my daughter was diagnosed with jaundice and readmitted to the hospital on day 4. I also had a tough recovery and was in to shape to drive. You want him there.
I’d vote for the son coming and them doing fun daytrips if the timing can’t be moved. That way your partner would still be around for overnights and/or medical appointments.
cbackson says
I’m just so stressed about disappointing his son and being the bad stepmom :(. His kids are great and have been excited about the baby but I have a lot of anxiety about trying to do my best for them…
Anonymous says
+1 – I can’t believe your partner, who has apparently had a newborn before, isn’t planning to reschedule. You are going to need him. even if just for emotional support, you will need him. Obviously women do this alone all the time, and you could if you have to, but I think you will resent him for not being there. Also, being induced can really suck (not that any form of childbirth is fun) and can lead to more complications. I’m not saying it is always the wrong choice, but that is another thing you might eventually resent.
Anonymous says
You are not a bad stepmom. A bad stepmom wouldn’t even consider this for a second. His ex is being unreasonable as she is likely feeling threatened by the new baby/new family that her ex has created.
Celebrate the kid’s new big brother role and reschedule the trip.
Anonymous says
Is this baby also his child? Then he needs to be there to take care of it. And he can explain that to his child. Good grief.
Anon says
Do you have a good friend you could fly in? Hired help is great, and I would definitely recommend it, but I think you will really be missing the emotional support aspect. There are things like checking your stitches or helping the baby latch onto your breast that you might not be comfortable with hired help doing. The first 10 or so times I breastfed after coming home from the hospital, it was a three person operation, with me sitting (uncomfortably) in a chair, my husband holding the baby and helping her latch onto my breast and my mom massaging my breast to try to get the milk flowing. I almost wish we had photos of it because it was so comical.
And, yes, inductions can easily take 48 hours, although I got lucky and had a fast one (<12 from cytotec to baby, I barely even needed Pitocin).
Anon says
Can you get induced earlier? It’s actually associated with lower risks.
AwayEmily says
Have you talked to your doctor about inducing earlier, like on your due date? I agree that you might be underestimating your need to have your partner there at this really intense, painful, scary, overwhelming time. Obviously it’s a tough situation, but I would seriously consider having him move his trip despite the negative consequences.
Anonymous says
You need a primary support person there 24/7. Since it’s your first you may not realize the physical recovery you’ll be going through while also learning to care for a newborn and nurse (if you choose to do so). I was in a fair bit of pain for the first week and couldn’t walk/stand much and I had a very straightforward delivery. What if god forbid you had complications and you had an extended stay in the hospital or your baby was still in the NICU? Or you start having excessive bleeding at home or get mastitis? There can also be a lot of appointments at first and if you get a c-section you’ll need someone to drive you for the first two weeks. Baby weight check, circumcision if you choose and it’s not done in the hospital (wasn’t at ours), lactation consultant, etc…this isn’t just about having someone take care of the baby, you need someone to take care of you! Your partner needs to reschedule this trip, period. New baby trumps vacation.
octagon says
I agree with this. I think it’s very sweet of your partner to want the special trip with the kid but it needs to be rescheduled or rearranged if at all possible. You hope everything will go according to plan but you just don’t know. I labored for 2 days and then had an emergency c-section that yielded complications, and I was in the hospital for 5 days. If my partner had left 3 days later, I would have lost my mind. Physically I had so many limitations and the baby needed a lot of extra attention in addition to the doctor visits every few days. Nursing was hard and my husband researched lactation consultants and made the arrangements while I slept.
If it absolutely cannot be rescheduled, then the duration of the trip needs to be scaled back so you are only on your own for a few days. And this is the time to call in a cousin, aunt or trusted friend to help you. A night nurse would be the last resort; you really need someone there all the time in those early days.
Anonymous says
I may be more forgiving than most on this board it sounds like (I’m also older now), but I think you’re being incredibly considerate to allow your partner to go and if it’s that important to you all, you will make it work. I imagine if things go sideways, changes can be made, but assuming an uncomplicated delivery with a newborn that goes home (which most are!), I think this is do-able. Can you have a friend stay for the time your partner is gone? If not, a night nurse would work too (or in addition). My husband went back to work 3 days after I had both my kids and I was home alone. It was ok. I had uncomplicated births (not c-sections). Nights were harder. I was glad to have a second set of hands then. But they didn’t have to be my husbands. Any adult human I trusted would have done in a pinch.
Anonymous says
I would have found a night nurse 100% more helpful and less annoying than my own husband.
Anonymous says
+100
I am impressed with your willingness to make this trip work. I think one thing to consider is managing the expectations of your partner’s son. If the trip needs to be cancelled, having discussed the possibility with the kid in advance may help.
NYCer says
+1. The situation is not ideal, but you can and will be fine, especially with a baby nurse.
FWIW, we did nights only with the baby nurse, but my mom was in town for the first 3 weeks (and my husband was off work for about a week, and obviously around during non-working hours). Since you will have no one around during the day, you should strongly consider 24 hour help. It is not significantly more expensive than nights only, and having an extra set of hands all the time will be really helpful.
Do you have any friends in your city who have used a baby nurse? Asking friends would be my number 1 recommendation. If not, at least in NYC, there are lots of moms and moms to be local facebook groups – I would ask for recommendations there. We used an agency of sorts to find ours…interviewed two candidates (loved them both to be honest), spoke to references (extremely important!!) and then just picked one. She turned out to be amazing.
In NYC, good baby nurses book up months in advance (my baby was due at the beginning of March – she was born early – and we booked ours in November). I highly recommend starting your search soon.
anon says
Agreed with this. Night nurse. And friends! I kind of think you’ll be fine? My husband took like three days paternity leave for all three of our kids and I had c sections. It’s a really short period of time and I think you are a strong mom who can power through. It’s amazing what amazon prime and uber eats can accomplish for you!
This being said, I never had issues with anxiety or PPD. Honestly, I was always just happy not to be pregnant anymore! I can see wanting my husband around more if I had.
A co-worker is currently being induced at 39 weeks. I’d push back on the doctor on how early they are willing to induce.
Also could the trip be halved? or shortened by a day or two? Like most of the trip but then getting to meet the new baby? Kiddo might like that. One other thing I’ll say: older kid will remember this birth. The baby won’t. So I think you’re right to really think about how he’s going to be feeling.
Anonymous says
I’d be very reluctant to push back on early induction. Early inductions lead to more interventions and less positive outcomes for both mom and baby.
Anon says
This is flatly untrue. Inductions at week 39 are safer and associated with lower risks.
Anon says
I think what she means is that if you induce early you are overall more likely to have an induction. If your induction is scheduled for 40w5d there is much more chance you will go into labor naturally before then, and thus avoid an induction, than if you induce at 39 weeks. I had a super smooth induction personally, but statistically induction is definitely associated with worse outcomes and more interventions than spontaneous labor.
Anonymous says
@Anon 7:20pm.
I don’t know where you are getting your info. The recommendation for inductions not to occur before 41 weeks was made in 2014 and reaffirmed in 2016. I trust the ACOG.
“Management of Late-Term and Postterm Pregnancy,” issued by ACOG in August 2014 (reaffirmed 2016), reviews the current understanding of late-term and postterm pregnancies and provides evidence-based guidelines for management. It concludes that labor induction may be considered when a woman is in week 41, and is recommended if she is in week 42 – https://www.acog.org/Womens-Health/Labor-Induction?IsMobileSet=false
Anon says
The ACOG studies don’t say what you think they do.
Google: induction week 39
Then read the studies that pop up (NIH, NEJM, etc).
Your information is out of date and does not say what you think it says. Notably, induction must be compared withe expectant management, as those are the two available clinical options, and notably, you cannot lump in inductions at week 39 with inductions at, e.g., week 37.
You’re a very unserious little girl and need to leave the statistics up to people who understand math.
Anon says
Also, the ACOG says inductions in first-time mothers carrying one baby – ie cbackson’s situation – may be induced at week 39 and such inductions are associated with lower risks of c-sections:
https://m.acog.org/Patients/FAQs/Induction-of-Labor-at-39-Weeks#always
Marilla says
Sending you lots of love. Get on a local parenting/moms Facebook group for your city or neighbourhood and ask for recommendations for night nurses and postpartum doulas. And if you can fly in a close family member or a friend to stay with you, I would recommend it. It’s hard being alone with a baby, especially your first. You are a strong and awesome woman and you will make it through if that’s what you need to do for your family, but definitely line up support for yourself. I would get numbers for breastfeeding consultants as well to have on tap. In my area, breastfeeding consultants and doulas are independent, night nurses can be independent or through an agency. Personal recommendations are best.
Anonymous says
I’m pretty surprised at this. My parents would have re-booked a cruise to be there for the birth of my first (their first grandbaby). Barring military service or similar, I am shocked at the idea that a partner would miss the birth of his first (with you) child. Has he not even discussed rescheduling?! Or has he said “I need to cancel/reschedule” to which you are feeling Guilty Stepmom Guilt? How old is StepKid? Is he of an age where he can be bribed/pursuaded? Eg. hey it really stinks that we have to reschedule our trip for [next time custody allows] but here’s what we are going to do instead [insert awesome thing: concert tickets, video game system, big fun party with friends, daytrip, new bike/skateboard, idk], and you’ll get to be the first person HalfSibling gets to meet!
And to have both parents and partner not present– surely parents are expecting partner to cancel. Have you told them that Partner won’t be there either?
Anon says
Yeah, I feel like if your parents knew that your partner can’t be there, they would want to reschedule their vacation! Have you told them about this?
CCLA says
There’s a lot of evidence now supporting inductions as early as 39 weeks. If I were you, I’d push for an induction on due date. I concur with everyone that the emotional support aspect is real, but also, totally get that this is an important thing for your partner. I would be prepared for DH to cancel or scale back if there are complications with the delivery for you or baby, but if it’s normal course, while I agree it will be hard and taxing, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to lean on hired help so long as this is something you’re willing to do and is not something where you really want DH to cancel but he won’t (that would be a totally different situation).
I’ve used a lot of hired help and they can be really amazing. Our former nanny is a newborn care specialist and doula and will sometimes get hired months in advance for newborn gigs where she’ll basically live-in for some agreed period of time, so I’d look in the next month or so and take time to find someone you click with and hire for something like that. I would say second best solution to having DH around would be a combination of a Doula/Newborn Care Specialist with having a friend/aunt/sister/cousin around. Night nurse is also awesome but probably not going to feel like enough on its own if it’s just truly overnights rather than live-in.
Anonymous says
Is your partner you’re child’s father? I can’t fathom him missing out on newborn days. He could be leaving a 5 day old baby.
Kate says
Yep, agreed. You are not a bad stepmom. However, your partner is coming off as a bad partner and bad father to this new baby if he is actually okay with being gone for an optional trip a couple days after the baby is born. He needs to step up and figure this one out.
I sincerely hope you have an uncomplicated birth. But even if you do it can still be a LOT, physically, mentally, and emotionally, especially for a first time mom with no idea what to expect. He needs to be there with you and the baby.
SC says
I think your partner needs to reschedule. You may have an easy labor and a healthy baby. But you could end up with a c-section, or a bad tear, or a baby who needs to stay in NICU after you’re discharged but before you’re ready to drive. Also, the first few days with a newborn can be really overwhelming.
I also underestimated all of this. When I was pregnant, my husband was the manager of a business that opened less than 3 months before my due date. He didn’t have any paternity leave and didn’t want to take any vacation days because he didn’t want to be away from the business. My parents had also planned a cruise, which they probably would have canceled, but I didn’t ask them to. I figured I’d deal and it would be fine because it had to be. It took a male coworker telling me that my plan was crazy and that DH needed to step up and take off work for as long as he could for me to realize that was true. DH took the time off, begrudgingly, but I needed him. (Incidentally, my parents were also there because Baby was born a month early while they were in town for my baby shower.)
As someone suggested above, I’d recommend having your husband’s son at your house to (hopefully) welcome the new baby. It’s a special experience to welcome a sibling into the world (I hear), and it’s part of bonding as a family of 4. I actually wonder if your husband’s son wouldn’t be confused or feel like you didn’t want him around the baby if they took this trip.
Anonymous says
Also like what kind of person is okay missing out on newborn days with their child for a vacation?
Very, very anon says
I would absolutely prefer newborn care specialist at night + other hired help to husband + step kid who had his special trip cancelled and doesn’t live there most of the time.
Anonymous says
The devaluing of men as parents who a) are competent and b) want to see their newborns is honestly shocking to me.
Anon says
Seriously! Sorry some of you married turds, but my husband is an amazing dad and a night nurse would in no way have been a substitute for his help and support. Nor do I believe it would be a good precedent for him to have missed the first few days of his child’s life. You’re setting yourself up for the default primary parent role if you do this.
DCMom says
Yes, 100%. Don’t set this precedent that you will handle the baby and he gets to go on with his life as usual, fitting in you and the baby when it works with his schedule. I understand that it’s complicated with his other children, and of course there will be times where you have to be flexible on that front. But a few days after the birth of your first child is not one of those times.
rosie says
I suggest looking for a newborn care specialist or postpartum doula — both are specific certifications vs “night nurse.” YMMV but I tended to be more comfortable with people who were doing this as a career coming from backgrounds as nannies, parent educators, etc. rather than people who had their own kids, liked it, and decided to get their doula cert and make some extra money (the latter group seemed more “I’ll do it how I did it for my kids” versus “I will respect your wishes but help you learn different options”). Definitely interview options now and see what their tentative availability looks like for the month or two following your delivery.
And you’ve gotten a lot of comments about the feasibility of all this. One thing I didn’t see, though, is to keep in mind that you have a lot of appointments in those first few days/weeks. I felt like we were in our pediatrician’s really often, plus you might want lactation support (highly recommend home visits though), need to go to the dr yourself, etc. You may not be able to drive, though — based on physical limitations from delivery or sheer exhaustion. So have a plan for someone to take you to appts as well.
Very, very anon says
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that good hired help may be better than partner for this time.
A newborn care specialist can let you sleep through the night (or wake up just for breastfeeding, if you choose that route). A partner normally wants to sleep at night too and isn’t nearly as good at getting the baby back to sleep. Sleep does wonders for mental health and recovery.
If money is no object, I’d also book some help for during the day—maybe a post-birth doula, since they’re used to helping moms with newborns. Or someone to cook for you, since you’ll may be ravenous.
Start looking for help immediately. Some nanny agencies place newborn care specialists. You can also ask for referrals by word of mouth (moms’ groups, neighborhood lists, etc). Make sure that anyone you hire believes that they’re there to support you, even if your plans change (for example, you don’t want someone pressuring you to breastfeed if you decide it’s not for you).
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m going to concur with most everyone else and encourage your partner to reschedule/cancel this trip. You’re not being a bad stepmom here – you’re not telling him he can’t go because of some trivial reason – you’re having your first baby!! Presumably your partner was involved in this creation as well, and he’s responsible for the early days. Timing may not be ideal for this vacation, but this is literally a once in a lifetime moment. Given what you said about the ex-wife, it sounds like you may conflicts in the future re: first family and new family, so I would encourage your partner to start the first of many conversations with his kids about what this new blended family will look like and how sometimes one takes priority over the other, but that everyone is still equally loved.
Anonymous says
This. If the birth is treated like this, that sets a concerning precedent for how the family will be blended.
Anon says
This would be a bigger concern to me than the actual recovery from birth.
Butter says
We are in the process of hiring a night nurse/doula now so I’ll chime in on that. We are hiring now for an April birth, and I don’t get the impression that we’re late (if anything I think they appreciate having notice because so many people freak out when they get home with a newborn and then need help stat). We are using a doula for this, and is she handling finding us appropriate night time care. Your care provider might also have some recs (they gave me the list of doulas in the first place). You might also want to check some of the local mom Facebook groups for additional recs or anecdata. Good luck!
lsw says
I am a stepmom and this sounds insane to me. I never in a million years would have accepted this, and I am a fairly relaxed person about a lot of things. It’s your first baby, you have no idea how you will feel, what could go wrong…and this is his child too. I feel like him being gone for the beginning also sets you up to be the “primary parent.” There has to be a compromise here, and your husband needs to find it. Not to alarm you, but there will be most likely be other issues with your bio kid and your stepkids (whether it’s scheduling, them feeling left out, whatever) and I think it would be an extremely unhealthy precedent to kick off your kids’ relationship in this way. FWIW, my stepdaughter adores her brother, we have a decent relationship with my husband’s ex, and it’s still hard at times. But this is where he puts his foot down.
lsw says
Sorry, I meant, “this is where your husband needs to put his foot down.” Good luck.
Anon says
Yes, yes, yes. Don’t set this precedent. You will regret it.
Anonymous says
We got a report that our 3.5 year old kicked a kid in the face(!) and threatened to spit on another. That is completely out of character for him. He is sometimes a little physical with his little brother or us, but he’s never been physical with anyone at school (other than a brief biting phase when he was younger) and, on play dates, he’s generally pretty timid and walks away from conflict. He had an ear infection late last week. We thought it cleared up but I am worried the behavior is because he’s in pain. We won’t know if that’s the case until an appointment tomorrow (and doesn’t mean he can mistreat people anyway).
My husband and I are discussing some changes to how we handle him at home for long-term. I am more concerned about what to do today. How do you all handle it when you get a report of your child misbehaving at daycare? When we pick him up, it will be four-plus hours after the incidents and after he’s had a nap. I am not just going to let it go, but I also don’t want to overdo it.
Anonymous says
I usually just tell them that their teachers told me XYZ happened. I ask open ended questions like ‘what happened before you kick Joe Smith?’ etc I emphasize that violence is not the answer and they should go ask a teacher for help in the future.
Strategy Mom says
in addition to talking about it and getting him to empathize with the person he hurt, before we drop him off at school we remind him of family rules or whatever the issue of the day is and tell him we know he’s going to be great at being a good friend and keeping his hands and his feet to himself. at the end of the day we celebrate and praise like crazy for not doing those things. after a few days, we lighten up
SC says
Unfortunately, reports like this are a common occurrence in our family. The therapists have told us to ask open ended questions, emphasize that we don’t hurt people, and talk about what to do next time X happens or next time he feels angry (or whatever). Sometimes, especially when he was 3, we played out a similar situation with his lovey, and he took turns in both roles. We also read books about feelings, so if you have any of those, it might be a good time to revisit. The next day, if he doesn’t hurt anybody, he gets lots of praise for keeping his friends and teachers safe.
Anonymous says
I get these reports 2-3x a week so it’s been a journey. Ear infection always results in increased aggression for our child – really any uncomfortable illness but ear infection in particular. My MIL reports it was the same for my spouse as a preschooler. For a first offense I think a stern “we do not hit or kick people. It hurts their bodies and it hurts their feelings “ is fine. For a longer standing problem … we have done some therapist consults and do a reward for days without hitting.