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As I previously mentioned, I combo fed from the beginning. Even though I had supply issues, I still built up a measly freezer stash — and I really liked using these bags. All of their benefits are clearly advertised on the box, and I did find that they worked as promised. They were easy to write on, were strong enough to stand up while I filled them, and never had one leak. One mistake I made at first was freezing them standing up, which both took up more room in the freezer AND took forever to thaw. Definitely lay them flat to freeze them! After I stopped pumping, I gave my extras to a friend, and she was very happy to have them. You can get a box of 100 storage bags for $11.26 at Amazon (where they have 5,000+ reviews). Lansinoh Breastmilk Storage Bags Psst: Looking for more info about nursing clothes for working moms, or tips for pumping at the office? We’ve got them both… This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
AIMS says
After my first, I used my extras for taking salad dressing to work. Love these, too.
EB0220 says
Haha, what a great idea! I used the heck out of these bags…but I think I gave the extras away. Wish I’d been as creative as AIMS.
Anon in NYC says
That’s seriously brilliant.
Spirograph says
Wow, why did I never thing of that? Genius! I also donated my leftover bags, but if I find any stragglers….
These are the best bags I tried; I recommend them to all new moms, as well as the lay-flat-to-freeze tip. Then “file” on end in a shoebox I think I learned that here or on the main s1te and it changed my freezer life.
anon says
I actually liked the Target brand bags better than these… and cheaper too.
GCA says
Ok, that is brilliant. I just unearthed my old ones for Thing 2 (she’s here! she arrived last week!). The last time I pumped regularly was more than two years ago.
Anon in NYC says
Congrats!
EP-er says
Congratulations!
GCA says
Thanks! :)
Anon says
Pregnant with my first. 14 weeks/Due in Feb. I should probably start thinking about maternity clothes. My work has no dress code and I live in a place that has winter. How would you approach this? Not too concerned by budget. Mostly don’t want to waste a ton of time shopping and don’t want to buy stuff I don’t end up using.
anon says
Buy nice maternity jeans. You’ll wear them so much – maybe one blue, one black. And the rest will mostly figure itself out. But that’s where I’d splurge!
I never owned a maternity coat (and I was in NYC) – always just used a loose fitted one I already had once the time came – but that may be a geography question for you!
Anonymous says
I was also due in Feb. I bought two pairs of jeasn(one under bump, one over bump), three nice Seraphine dresses, leggings, tights, a few blouses, a few sweaters. And new bras. I didn’t buy a winter coat, just wore my old ones unbuttoned or DH’s.
Em says
I was also due in February and this was what my maternity wardrobe consisted of, down to using my regular coats. I wore the jeans a ton until the last month, during which I lived in leggings and dresses.
Anonymous says
I lived in dresses. Casual and work-appropriate. If I had no dress code, I’d live in leggings and casual dresses with a jacket topper (denim, utility, etc.). You can wear cute jackets you already own and leave them open. I’d play it by ear whether you need a maternity coat. If you’re too cold, buy a cheap one from Target or something.
One pair of under the bump jeans. I was mostly pregnant in summer, and found over the bump pants to be stifling. You might disagree in winter. My leggings were over the bump, but I often folded the top down towards the end, and it was fine.
Anon in NYC says
Congrats! Pre-preg I lived in dresses. During pregnancy I actually found maternity pants to be really comfortable. I’d recommend pants, long sleeve shirts, and a few dresses. I had the most luck at a Pea in the Pod / Destination Maternity.
lawsuited says
I was due in March with my first so I also had a full winter pregnancy. My work wardrobe was: maternity pants, maternity tank/tee in a neutral colour, regular cashmere cardigan in a fun colour, statement necklace,pointed-toe flats. My weekend wardrobe was: maternity leggings, boxy cashmere sweater, statement scarf, flats boots. I did not find getting dressed while pregnant remotely enjoyable, so the uniform approach worked best for me.
I recommend getting 3 pairs of maternity pants for work (they stretch out a lot when you wear them, so I found I needed to wash them after each wear to return them to their proper shape/size), some nicer quality maternity tanks/tees for work and weekend; 2 pairs of maternity leggings for weekend and evenings; 1 maternity dress to wear to all the holiday things; and a maternity or maternity-friendly winter coat (when my belly popped my regular coat went from fitting uncomfortably to not remotely zipping up overnight). Also, try to buy nursing-friendly maternity clothes where possible if you plan to BF. I was so irritated to realize after I’d bought a bunch of single-purpose maternity clothes that I would also need to buy single-purpose nursing clothes.
ITLady says
I was due in December. No dress code at my office as well. I was pretty much in maternity jeans or leggings on bottom once it cooled off + a wide assortment of tops. I get bored with clothes pretty easily, so I had 3 tunic length sweaters, a few tops, and a couple dresses. The uniform approach definitely does not work for me, but if it does for you, awesome! If you want clothes to do double duty/get more use out of them, I’d recommend just looking for things that are a bit looser. My boyfriend cut button downs, oversized t-shirts from college, and open cardigans got a lot of use. I’ll do a separate response with some of my pictures if we can send links.
I’ll be a vote against combo breastfeeding friendly and maternity clothes. I was back in my normal clothes by 6 weeks and hated wearing anything baggy, so I preferred separate clothes. Plus a lot of my pre-pregnancy clothes worked just fine for pumping so I really only needed specific stuff for the weekend.
Shoes were my biggest struggle – I swelled a lot near the end and basically could only fit into tennis shoes. Again, OK if you don’t mind wearing the same thing but perhaps just take inventory of your winter shoe options and ensure you have some shoes with wiggle room.
I had a maternity pea coat I got from Motherhood that I got for like maybe 20 and was SO worth it. I appreciated having it postpartum as well to wrap around me and LO when I wore her. The fleece weight was MORE than sufficient + a sweater for how hot I ran at the end…and I’m normally very cold all the time. I think unless you’re somewhere crazy cold (New England/Alaska/somewhere else way north), you don’t need a big coat.
ITLady says
So I didn’t have as many pics on my imgur as I thought, but this is a prime example of an outfit that was sufficient for 30-40 degree weather if I was just running between the parking garage and the door. Button down, vest, shoes and socks were all pre-pregnancy and the jeans were the only maternity specific piece.
https://imgur.com/a/M8615
Anonymous says
Just manage your expectations when you read others’ experiences… As a counter example, there’s no way I’d fit in my pre-pregnancy button downs all winter being due in February. Personally, I would have to invest in several maternity sweaters to get me through. I’d probably buy a maternity coat too, but I hate being cold and do not run hot while pregnant like many people do.
S anon says
Just a different perspective — I had a baby last February, and splurged on two winter coats (live in MN). They were absolutely necessary for me, as I couldn’t button my normal coats at all and had two dogs that needed walking. I got them at Seraphine, and I wore them every day from November – March (post-baby as well). I always hear people say not to buy winter coats, but I couldn’t have made it through without them. I lived in Old Navy long-sleeved swing dresses (non-maternity) with a belt and maternity tights. I also got a lot of use out of Gap Fit maternity leggings and long-sleeved tops on the weekends.
rosie says
I agree about the coats. I was due in May, live in DC but knew I’d be in northern New England for visits in the winter, and am often cold (slightly less so during pregnancy). I bought a maternity fleece & puffy vest from Old Navy, both pretty inexpensive, and I got a maternity/babywearing down coat from Nordstrom during post-Thanksgiving sales. Very worth it for me, and I wore the down coat with my baby in a carrier the following winter (it has a reversible panel in it).
Anonymous says
zip in coat insert instead of maternity coat. you can use it for babywearing afterwards.
Walnut says
Hi! I’m also due in February. This is my third baby, but first winter baby. My plan is dresses+leggings and I’m going to figure out a coat when the time comes.
Lillers says
I’m also 14 weeks (yesterday!). I actually made my first maternity purchases (leggings and jeans) from Old Navy because I refuse to walk around with my pants unbuttoned a la Belly Band style. I’ve been pleased with them so far, although it’s only been a week wearing them.
I plan to buy some maternity tanks/tees and wear them under long cardigans I already own with jeans and booties or flats. Perhaps I’ll supplement with a few more cardigans once they are in season.
I’m crossing fingers I can steal one of my husband’s coats and I don’t have to buy a new one for myself. We live in Wisconsin so the need is there. I’ll have to investigate the zip panels someone mentioned earlier.
Congrats! Excited to see some other Feb mamas here :)
blueberries says
I used 4oz glass jamming jars. Bonus was that they’re reusable and great for baby food and little snacks. Downside is that I have way too many now that the freezer stash is done and baby doesn’t need purées.
Anonymous says
Start canning jam? ;) Kidding but not. I do tomato sauce and other various tomato products, and it is worth it!
Carine says
I used that size to give salted caramel sauce as a gift for the neighbors at Christmas. I just saw something about making one’s own hot (spicy) honey and thought maybe I’d do that this year. They’re the perfect size for little gifts like that!
SC says
Ooh, we grow peppers in the fall and make pepper jelly and hot sauce for Christmas gifts. Spicy honey would be a great addition!
Redux says
We use these as drinking glasses! They are super resilient to being dropped by little hands (and I think they look country chic, but maybe I am fooling myself).
GCA says
This is funny, because we use old baby food jars as kid drinking glasses!
High lipase milk says
Any advice for a person with stinky milk. I understand that it is fine. But taste is so tied to smell that it just seems too nasty to use (esp. Friday milk — if I nurse when I am home Sat and Sunday, then the milk really stinks on Monday). Freezing that thawing doesn’t help. And the scald-and-no-problems solution has led to me just boiling/burning the milk and having large messes to clean up (plus — with that much handling, it seems to be barely human-produced milk anymore, the good fat has likely been destroyed, and I may just completely lose it (like the time I did everything right but then somehow knocked the container over).
I am just going to be a Friday pump-and-dump person. Which is fine. I have a feeling that past the newborn stage, where milk may actually have magical powers, milk is just a nice-to-have if your kid is progressing into actual food and had cut some teeth.
But YIKES it is not good-smelling-milk if it’s not fresh from the tap. Sorry baby! Mommy didn’t luck out in this department.
Anonymous says
SAME HERE! I dealt with this! It was SO ANNOYING!
Any time I pumped and needed the milk to last more than 24 hours, I used a double boiler. This was KEY. I tried to do it as soon as I got home from work.
I then chilled the milk in a large glass (pyrex) measuring cup. It certainly wasn’t perfect, but this allowed me to skip the whole challenge of burning through the freezer bags with scalding hot milk. Once the milk was chilled enough (usually a couple/few hours), I would pour into freezer bags (if necessary) or just into the bottles for the Monday feed. I would leave it in the fridge for the weekend, if it was Friday night to Monday morning, or freeze it for a longer period.
Anonymous says
If your baby drinks it, just use it as is. Why make life harder?
rosie says
+ 1
Eh says
+1 is baby refusing the milk? If not, I would not worry about it. And I’m confused about the double boiler advice above– bmilk starts to break down and lose nutrients if it gets that hot, so I would not do that just because of the smell, especially if baby is not refusing.
Anon says
Heading back to work later this week from maternity leave. We have twins, just moved over the weekend and yesterday learned that my mom has another tumor (this is not a new problem, but a worsening one and her tumors are benign, but they keep growing which can yield just as many problems). I live a three hour plane ride from my parents and wish it was easier to go home. I’d probably take time from work if I hadn’t just been out. To say I’m overwhelmed is an understatement. And I’m sooooo exhausted- tips for functioning at work on little sleep? Any other return to work advice?
Carine says
I’m so sorry, that sounds like a lot. Too much! I’m a few weeks back to work after my third, just read The Fifth Trimester and I really liked it. There’s good advice for dealing with family demands, with sleep deprivation, how to ask for what you need to transition well back at work, etc. I wish I’d had it after my first and second.
Are there options to ease back into work? Can you ask to come back half time and ramp up gently? If you have to go back – can you swing a nap during the day? Even 20 minutes in your car or on a yoga mat in your locked office would help with the sleep deprivation, which would then help you cope with everything else. Stay hydrated, drink coffee, take walks on the hour. Make lists. Prep all your stuff the night before because the mornings are just too hectic – I always feel foggy and worry I’ll forget something.
Do check out that book if you can manage it. I’m thinking the chapters on how to return and ask for help if you need it might really be beneficial to you.
lawsuited says
I worked 10-4 for my first month back and it helped a lot. I also viewed my job most days as showing up to the office and only bothered being “on” for clients and judges. I returned to my pre-work performance within a few months, but taking the pressure off to begin with was really helpful to me.
Anonymous says
Hugs! That is a lot to deal with. I second the recommendation for The Fifth Trimester. But also know that if your job is anything like my job (federal litigation), work is SO MUCH EASIER than being home alone with newborn twins. So, there’s that.
In all seriousness, I found that the anticipation of going back was so much worse than the reality of being back. Sure, there’s a lot to juggle, and I still don’t have it all figured out a year and a half later. But I like working, and having colleagues, and having a break from my kids.
There are quite a few twin moms on here. You got this!
Anonymous says
Coffee, being kind to yourself, and checklists. Have a checklist for every part of your day – every time you forget something or are kicking yourself in the butt about something, add it to a checklist. If needed, have a checklist of checklists. Not only does this help you get through the day, but it gives you something productive to do when you inevitably mess something up – instead of beating yourself up, add it to a checklist.
BC says
win mom here. When I went back to work, I found it absolutely critical to write everything down. Everything. I tried to take verbatim notes even in informal internal meetings because a day later I would read the notes and realize that I didn’t actually remember any of that happening. Once I was getting more sleep, I stopped needing the notes as much.
If it’s at all possible, you might want to consider scaling down for a short time given the unfortunate situation with your mom, so you can take a long weekend here and there to be with her. I am a lawyer and I went to 80% for the remainder of the calendar year that I took maternity leave. It was only a few months. I felt like my year was already shot from a productivity standpoint, so I’d just take a financial hit, which made me feel less guilty about doing what I needed to do at home even if I wasn’t as productive at work. Others I work with told me they admired that I did that, because they thought most people would just be “sneaky” about it and do 80% work while expecting the 100% salary. I know others are anti scaling back because you might end up doing 100% work for 80% pay, but it worked for me to do it with a fixed end date.
BC says
*twin mom. Ugh.
Anonymous says
Twin mom here as well. Sleep in shifts with your partner. I.e., you sleep in the guest bedroom (in the living room on the couch, etc.) from 8-2 and your partner sleeps in the guest bedroom from 2-8 (or whatever schedule works for you). During your sleep time you are “off” regarding the kids and visa versa. Of course, you can’t EBF with this scenario, if you are, but I found the sleep trade-off to be so worth it.
I agree with all the other advice to come back reduced time if possible and take a while to ramp back up. And lists.
Hang in there – six months was a great age for us and when they started getting up only once at night (about 5 months) it was life changing. You are not that far away.
LH says
I really like these and use them for my (tiny) freezer stash. I will say that the numbers on the bag aren’t very accurate. I found that 6 ounces in the bag (pre-freezing) was more like 4-5 ounces in the bottle.
Anonymous says
I found this true in all bags. I think it’s just impossible to have it open wide enough to really be full. I always measured the milk in a bottle and then poured it in the bag. I pumped into Medela bottles, but kiddo drank from Avent bottles. Those weren’t consistent with each other either (FWIW, I tend to think the Medela was more accurate). So I measured in an Avent bottle to pour into the bags.
EB0220 says
Agree. Pay no attention to the numbers…write down the oz from the bottle with a sharpie instead.
Anonymous says
Yes, this.
anon says
Oh yeah. I had them measured in bottles, and labeled the bag with how much was in the bottle.
Anonymous says
I have a kitchen scale and weigh them after I pump as I pump directly into the bags sometimes. Grams = mL, then I use the conversions on the bag to get to oz. (You could also google it).
Anon says
Second trimester nausea? It was going away but is back with vengeance especially late at night. Did this happen to anybody else? So miserable.
Anonymous says
I remember a wave around 15-16 weeks, maybe? Like I thought it was gone after the first trimester, then it came back for a week or so, and then disappeared until labor :)
avocado says
I had hyperemesis for the entire 9 months, and the first half of the second trimester was actually the worst. It was worst for me at night, too. This was before Diclegis, so I took Zofran during the day and Phenergan at night. I found that keeping on top of the meds was key. I used the smallest dose possible and spaced them out as much as possible, but took them regularly. If I didn’t take any meds one day and waited until I got sick, it would be too late for the meds to help much.
If you haven’t already, experiment with type, timing , and temperature of food and drink. For example, I found that eating and drinking at the same time was a recipe for disaster, but if I drank hot tea or ice-cold carbonated water without any food I could usually keep it down. Everyone is different, so try everything until you find what works for you.
Hang in there. I know it is rough. The good news is that no matter what, delivery will magically and instantly cure it—my doctor promised me this and it was true. It was amazing. Nothing ever tasted so good as the hospital breakfast the morning after my baby was born.
lsw says
That last paragraph I could have written myself. I was sick the first 7 months (then just heartburn for the last few weeks, highly preferred). Hang in there, and you will feel incredible instantly after giving birth. I didn’t believe it but it was 100% true. I will always remember the english muffin with peanut butter I ate about 10 minutes after labor.
Anonymous says
25 weeks here, still on Diclegis and just had a really bad bout of nausea this morning. From what I’ve read, 2nd trimester nausea isn’t super common, but happens with some of us. Boo.
Anonymous says
Mine never went away, I’m sorry to say. It was so hard and part of the reason I only have 1 child. But on the plus side, the post-partum period was so much brighter than it might have been if I hadn’t hated being pregnant so much. The nausea went away immediately after birth.
Jeffiner says
I had nausea the entire nine months, and it also went away immediately after birth. I had to have pitocin to induce labor, and before the contractions started, I started throwing up like there was no tomorrow, so be prepared for that. I had been drinking a red gatorade to hydrate myself for labor, and the nurses had a slight moment of panic when I started vomiting red fluid.
Anonymous says
For those of you who had nausea the whole pregnancy– were you on diclegis? Did you immediately stop taking it after birth and still feel fine? I’m the 25 week poster from above and expect to continue taking diclegis my whole pregnancy (my mom had nausea/vomiting the whole 9 months with both of her pregnancies and it’s looking the same for me). I’ve tried to stop the diclegis a couple times during the 2nd trimester to terrible effect, so I’m wondering how that will work after delivery.
Anonymous says
I was on Zofran in the first tri, unmedicated after that, and nausea went away immediately at birth. Birth removes the source of the problem, so I don’t think the diclegis will matter either way at that point.
Jeffiner says
For some reason, I was on nothing. Maybe because my weight gain was still ok? At one of my baby’s first pediatrician visits the doctor asked about the pregnancy, and she was surprised my OB/GYN never prescribed anything. I admit I’m a poor advocate for myself, and I told my OB/GYN I was constantly getting sick, but I never specifically asked for anything to do about it.
lsw says
I loved Kiinde bags and never looked back. The ziploc styles were not my friend and I was literally crying over spilled milk.
ITlady says
We too use the kiinde bags primarily because I felt like the cost difference between the lasinoh bags and the Kiinde weren’t that big and saved the extra step of having to pour back into a bottle to feed. Daycare definitely appreciates not having to wash bottles.
SG says
What is this magical daycare that washes bottles?! Seriously jealous.
anon says
Spouse just started a trial that’s likely to last a month, and I will essentially be solo parenting two toddlers the entire time. But with another parent nearby-ish, which is somehow worse than actually being alone (and builds resentment). The division of labor in our house isn’t equitable even when spouse is not on trial (working on it!), but we’ve recently hit a groove with dividing up the morning routine. Today is day 2 of doing the morning myself, and I’m already so depleted. Help?!
Double Jogger says
Hey girl, ‘sup. I solo parent for 50% of our life and have done it with three toddlers.
Be kind to yourself. Ask for help – I’ve had single friends come over and fold clothes with me while watching trash TV after bedtime and it’s amazing. Hire someone to come and clean. Make decisions easy for yourself. Don’t feel guilty about napping in your car at lunchtime. Lower your standards and be okay with just making it through.
I make it easy for myself. I put my work clothes on a hanger (including accessories) and hang it in the coat closet downstairs the night before. Daycare bags are in the car too. Breakfast is a choice between two things – either X cereal with milk or toast and yogurt. There are no other options, this is what we’re eating. We wash faces and get dressed (in preselected outfits) and if we are GREAT listeners and have time, we get to watch a couple minutes of a video. During those minutes I quickly pick up and pull myself together, then we’re all in the car and good to go.
I have a meal calendar and stick to it. I also cook in the mornings, the night before, and on the weekends so my life is easier. For example, I’ll cook pasta in the morning and then when we get home I just have to heat it up in the sauce and dinner is on the table in less than 10 minutes.
Bedtime is always a little bit of mayhem, but I just lean into it. We often have a dance party if they’re being wild and then like to send a video to Daddy telling him about our day. We take turns as to whose bed/room we all read the first book in, then everyone gets a couple minutes of solo time with momma. The days fly by, but the key is really just streamlining your life as much as possible.
Spirograph says
Oof, I hear you that it’s almost worse to have partner parent around but not helpful. I get into a really good groove when my husband is away for a week, but when he’s just swamped and coming home late, it never quite gels. ALL the empathy for you.
Are you able to give your husband some prep tasks to lighten the load even if he is not around in the morning? Maybe he could make breakfasts or lunches and pack bags, so you just need to do the hands-on parts, grab, and go.
goldie says
Speaking as a parent of young children who was the one on trial last year, there’s really only so much you can expect of a person who is already operating beyond normal capacity. One time during trial, I tried to contribute, so I did laundry at 5 am. I then realized I was so tired I had forgotten to put in detergent, so instead of clean clothes, we just had wet, dirty ones–not helpful. Unfortunately, it’s probably easier to just do it yourself, and if the parent is there for a bit during waking hours, let him give the kids snuggles, which is something you can’t outsource. And I booked my husband a long boys weekend for 2 weeks after my trial was over and I solo parented that weekend while he enjoyed himself.
lawsuited says
Trial sucks for everyone. Plan a vacation for when trial is over and dream of the beaches when things are tough in the meantime. Also, choose a present for your grateful spouse to give you.
Encourage your spouse to stay in a hotel M-F during trial. It’ll allow spouse to focus on work without distractions, and you can run your household in whatever way is easiest for you and your toddlers without worrying spouse’s needs/mess. Get your toddlers to do as much of their morning/evening routine as possible with you supervising; ask a friend or family member to stay over a night or two; ask a friend or family member to bring takeout once the kids are in bed; set out as much as you can the night before; work from home as much as you can to take commuting pressure of mornings and evenings and maybe get a load of laundry done; eat takeout/ready-to-eat meals; hire a cleaning service so you can focus on the kids; skip bath time some days; send your kids to daycare in pyjama tops with shorts some days; order everything on Amazon prime so you don’t have to go to the store. Also, coffee.
Anon in NYC says
100% this. Actually try to be a single parent during the week because it will probably be easier. Now might be the time to pay for extra help in the morning or evenings, or get a family member to come help for a bit.
Anonymous says
I get this. I probably wouldn’t go so far as a hotel, but I’d probably ask hubby to at least be at the office until X time. Shouldn’t be much of a problem during trial time. Basically I’d want an hour to myself after bedtime to decompress and eat all the chocolate before he came home.
Anonymous says
I would love to hear experiences about how you chose your child(ren)’s guardians. My husband and I are pretty stuck. We have a toddler together and he has a daughter from his first marriage – we have split custody.
My parents: They live several hours away and would not be happy relocating to our city. We would want our son to see his sister so we want him to stay in City. They are well off and love our kids. They are in good health and in their late 60s. They are also religious and conservative and would not respect our wishes for our children to be raised non-religiously.
His parents: Local, but his dad is much older than our other three parents (but in great health) and his mom is not in good health. They are also still working with their own business and they are less well off financially. I also feel that my parents would be very upset and hurt if we chose his parents, though that’s less of a concern – more about the health and longevity of the arrangement.
My brother: Not local, don’t think it would work for a number of reasons.
His sister: Younger, not terribly responsible, husband said no.
His older half-sister and her wife: They are not kid people and we couldn’t imagine them being happy with this at all.
Son’s godmother: Not local, single and would be an amazing parent, not sure how she would feel about it so it would obviously take a conversation, but again, she’s not local.
No idea who else to even consider. It feels really overwhelming.
Anonymous says
His parents and son’s godmother as a backup. You don’t have a perfect choice available, and these are the best of the options you’ve got.
anon says
There will never be a perfect option. I think you have to decide what’s most important in such an arrangement, and go from there. Being local, within proximity to stepdaughter, seems like your biggest sticking point. Honestly, I’d go with your parents. While religion is a big deal, is it really as big of deal as having a loving, safe home near your other daughter?
Your MIL’s health issues are a dealbreaker, IMO. While FIL might be in great health now, asking one person to shoulder the caregiving responsibilities for a spouse, plus little kids, is not fair to anyone.
anon says
I agree that the godmother is a solid backup, even with the location issue.
Anonymous says
I would agree to overlook the religion thing if my parents were local – they are actually about 4 hours away which I guess is doable but definitely not close to engender seeing son’s sis a lot!
I really appreciate all the feedback and I think I need to just accept there’s not a perfect option. I like the perspective of determining what’s most important (easy access to seeing his sister, not being a burden inasmuch as that’s able to avoided).
Anon in NYC says
How not-local is your son’s godmother, and would she be willing to relocate? We chose my sister, who lives in another country, because we felt that she was the best family member option who would raise our kid with the most similar values to ours. We explained to her our hope that if it were to come to that, that she would move to our city. I would not be thrilled at my kid having to relocate to this other country, but we have enough life insurance that my sister could pay for flights back here a few times a year.
Anonymous says
Pick your parents. Let go of all of your frankly minor concerns. The goal is making sure someone who loves your kids takes care of them if you two both die. That’s all. Pick them, get it in writing, move on. You’ll be dead. You can’t micromanage this.
Anonymous says
I’d caution against choosing parents as guardians if the parents will be older than their mid-60s when the kids enter college or if the parents aren’t currently 100% healthy. Your parents may seem spry enough now, but they need to be with it both mentally and physically when the kids are teenagers. I don’t know a lot of people in their late 60s or older who have the wherewithal to keep up with a teen, which is a whole different ballgame than just living independently or even continuing to work in a demanding job. There are some who could handle it, but they are the exception rather than the rule.
Anonymous says
Do you live in Narnia where perfect options exist? I had my babies at 39 and 41. I’ll be in my 60s when they’re in college. And it will be fine.
Anonymous says
Being 57 when your kids start college is not at all the same thing as having a 68- or 75- or 80-year-old grandparent as a guardian to an 18-year-old.
I would be asking the godmother here.
Anonymous says
The godmother who isn’t local isn’t family? Nah.
Anonymous says
but that’s the point. They’ll be grown before you are in your 60s.
OP doesn’t say how old her kids are. If they are toddlers, then in 10 years her parents will be almost 80. And they will be mid-80s by the time the kids are in college. That’s almost 20 years older than you will be.
Boston Legal Eagle says
We chose our parents because they are local, are still together and love our kid(s) and will raise them the best they can. Will they raise them the way we would and will our kids have the same lives they would have had with us? Absolutely not. I imagine they will have many issues and would need lots of therapy and grief counseling, but in the worst case situation, I trust that my parents will do the best they can. They will be in their 70s when the kids are teens, but again, I trust that they’ll figure out additional care/support arrangements at that time.
BC says
I’ve said this before on this site, but my husband and I approached this as: Options A, B, C, D… Y are don’t both of us die. Option Z is the guardian. It is not ideal, but it’s the best we got, and if we’re gone, everyone better step up.
lawsuited says
Focus on choosing the best option for “right now” and change your will every 5 years or so as circumstances change. Parents might be a good option now while they are still in good health, but may not be in 10 years. Being local may not matter while child is very young but may matter more once child is in school and has an established group of friends/activities. Your single siblings/friends may not stay that way and they may marry someone you think would be a great/terrible parent making them a better/worse choice.
Anonymous says
+1 – I know my parents did this with respect to their wishes for me and my siblings.
Anonymous says
+1 I am an estate planning attorney and this is what I tell my clients to do. I also suggest they consider close (local) friends, especially as their children get older. It’s not perfect, but often your friends’ values are most similar to your own, and they have youth on their side. Also, a final note from an estate planner–choose! Don’t get so hung up on this that you end up with no will. I have so many clients who get totally derailed by this decision and fail to get any planning in order. An imperfect will that you have to redo in 2 or 5 years is way better than no will.
Blueberries says
To the estate planning attorney—other than nominating a guardian, why is a will so important, assuming one is ok with how things get distributed under intestacy laws?
I’ve heard people say that they need to get a will in order, but under my bar exam knowledge of wills (admittedly not much) and having just dealt with an estate, I don’t see why they’re that important (of course, if I thought death was imminent, I’d want a trust to avoid probate, but that’s something else entirely).
Lana Del Raygun says
I am not any kind of attorney but I was told by an estate attorney that having a will makes all your money/stuff end up with your preferred recipients much faster than it would if it has to go through the intestacy process.
Anonymous says
Same EP attorney as above, but I can only speak to Texas laws. Even if you are 100% sure how intestacy will impact your assets and your spouse’s assets (which is harder than it sounds), dying without a will causes a host of issues that are easily avoided with a will. You can designate a guardian, create trusts, and designate an executor who can act independently. Otherwise, all of the heirs must agree and sign off to conduct a regular estate proceeding. If the heirs are minors, it’s even worse because guardianship comes into play.
Just one example of many: I have a client now whose spouse died suddenly in his late 40s. They have no children. All of his property goes to her under intestacy laws but his parents are technically heirs as well (if he had any separate real property, which he doesn’t, one-half would go to the spouse and the remainder to his living parents or siblings). So, in order for the surviving spouse to transfer the home (which is community property and titled in their joint names) into her name, she has to go through some sort of probate process. Regardless of the process chosen (depends on assets), she will need participation (i.e., sign off) from his parents, because they are heirs. If they were truly and completely objecting to the process, we could get a declaratory judgment stating that the home is community property, but that is an expense and hassle she’d obviously rather avoid. She does not like his parents at all and will be paying me by the hour to deal with them. All of this was avoidable with a will that named her as executor and gave her all (or whatever portion he wanted) of his property.
Another example: My friend and his wife bought their house together (titled in their joint names) shortly before they married. If either of them were to die without a will, the intestacy rules in Texas result in the house being owned 50% plus a 1/3 life estate interest in the remaining half by the surviving spouse, with the remainder going to the deceased spouse’s family members. At the end of the day, that means my friend’s in-laws could move in with his wife–not a result anyone wants, most likely. Even figuring out who owns what percentage is hard. And then you have to consider rights of reimbursement for mortgage payments made after the date of the marriage. All around, a mess.
There are ways to avoid needing a will. But, doing so usually requires more time and attention from an estate planning attorney than simply getting a will. If nothing else, write your wishes down in your own handwriting (don’t type and sign, make sure to date it and to use the word “will”… if you’re in Texas use “independent executor” and “waive bond”). It may not be a clean probate but is (usually) better than nothing. Also, wills written by non-estate planners are notoriously terrible. Drafting a contract and drafting a will/revocable trust require very different skill sets. Please get a will! Shop around and get a cheap one if you must, but know that you get what you pay for! Better advice and better documents lead to a smoother probate process for the loved ones who have to deal with the process when they are also grieving.
PS This not legal advice and you are not a client, these are just friendly suggestions from someone who has seen all kinds of messes in probate.
MNF says
Another estate planning attorney – be sure you’re really happy with how intestacy splits things. In NYS, your spouse gets the first 50K then splits the rest with your kids. Most people would prefer their assets go directly to their spouse, not their minor children.
LH says
We chose my parents. They are not super young (mid 60s when our daughter was born) but they’re wonderful people, very well-off financially and have agreed to move into our house if we die so our daughter would stay in the same house/school district. If/when their health fails we will reevaluate but for now we feel it’s the best choice.
Anonymous says
We haven’t picked guardians yet (I know, I know), so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I’d eliminate financial position from the equation. You and your husband should carry enough life insurance to cover the kids’ costs, which might include relocating.
In terms of who else to consider, what about friends with kids? My BFF from college asked us to be guardians for her two. We have two ourselves, so it’s overwhelming, but she and her husband carry life insurance and have told us they understand we would have to use a significant part of the money to buy a larger home, and that’s part of what caring for their kids involves.
That said, I worry a lot about hurting our parents’ feelings, too…
Jeffiner says
We chose some friends of ours who have two kids near my daughter’s age. My husband and I both have lots of aunts, uncles, cousins, and parents to choose from, although none of them have any young children. We live a plane ride away from all of them, including the friends we chose. It was my husband’s idea, because he thinks they are great parents.
Walnut says
My parents. They’re not local, they won’t move to our location, they’ll raise our kids differently than we would, but they love my children more than life itself. We’ll evaluate again in five years if any of our siblings are in life situations that would make them better candidates.
NYCer says
Without reading any of the other comments, I would pick your parents followed by godmother as back-up.
Anonymous says
Help me pick my airline seats, please! Traveling on a 5 hour flight with 11 month old. Options are: 1) Regular economy seats, lap child; 2) Economy plus seats, lap child; 3) Economy plus seats, bulkhead, lap child; 4) Regular economy seats, baby gets her own seat. She does NOT like her car seat so I’m really not inclined to get her her own seat because she’d just want to be out of it the whole time. Bulkhead is nice because she could get down a little, maybe? But the arm rests are fixed then so less sleep space for her. Economy plus seats are like $200 more than the regular seats so I’m having a hard time deciding whether it’s worth it.
AwayEmily says
Economy, own seat. Keep in mind that during the flight she doesn’t always have to be buckled into the seat, so maybe she won’t dislike it as much. Also you can take her out and put her on her lap if you need to. At 11 months it’s such a pain to hold them the entire time — they are SO SQUIRMY.
Anonymous says
Is it just the two of you? Economy, her own seat. With a partner? Economy plus, lap baby.
Anonymous says
It’s me and husband plus baby. So if we got her a seat we’d at least have a full row to ourselves.
Anonymous says
I’d do that.
Anonymous says
+1.
Anonymous says
Economy, own seat. At that age we didn’t keep our kids buckled in the carseat the whole time, but they were generally content to sit in their seat unbuckled. Having the extra space is sooo nice, even if she sits on your lap for some of it.
Bulkhead is great for having space for her to stand up in front of you, but we’ve never had much luck with getting those seats.
Jeffiner says
Some aircraft have airbags in the bulkhead row, so while they do have more space, I avoid them.
NYCer says
Economy plus, bulkhead seats.
AwayEmily says
Thanks to everyone who helped out over the last month with my 2.5-year-old’s post-potty-training poop issues (withholding and major anxiety). Fingers crossed, they seem to have resolved themselves (we’ve at two weeks with no accidents and no drama). The things that worked, in order: first, we cleaned her out with a combination of miralax and a couple of suppositories. Second, we completely stopped reacting to her drama. I actually think this is what mattered most — she was picking up on our anxiety/hovering (“you seem like you have a poop coming! let’s go sit by the potty! do you want to look at my phone on the potty? should we read a book?” etc etc). So instead when she started crying/complaining/etc we just kept doing whatever we were doing (ie ignored her) and trusted that she would figure it out and get herself to the little potty. It took awhile (and some poops in unfortunate places, including our bed, EW) but eventually it clicked.
Anon in NYC says
Yay!
I wish my kid would start pooping in the potty again. We have her on a daily dose of Miralax so we know it’s not painful. But she stubbornly insists that “girls poop in a diaper.” She tells me that boys in her preschool class poop in the potty, but not the girls. We have definitely corrected her and explained that several girls in her class do, in fact, poop in the toilet, but we’re getting nowhere.
I just don’t know how to escalate this and force the issue. Our pediatrician suggested a very gradual approach, like making her stand in the bathroom while she poops in a diaper. Then making her sit on the toilet while she poops in a diaper, etc. But I just do not see that being a successful process with my kid.
Anonymous says
I don’t mean to be mean, but as an expecting parent, these conversations make me LOL and cringe so hard. Is this what my life is going to be for the next 5 years?
Anon in NYC says
Haha, you really never know. My friend’s kid didn’t sleep through the night for 12 months, whereas mine was a champ sleeper by 4 months. And her kid toilet trained in basically a week, and mine, well…
What will definitely happen: you will have no qualms talking about poop.
Clementine says
I always say that every kid has a ‘thing’. My kid – didn’t sleep through the night until almost 2, but is a great eater, good kid overall, no separation anxiety, very verbal and happy. My BFF’s kid slept through the night the minute he hit 12 pounds but went through a biting phase that was bad enough that he was on ‘probation’ at daycare. Another friend – kid was a good sleeper, super sweet and well behaved, but basically went through a summer where she survived on french fries and Pediasure-spiked milkshakes.
Every kid has a ‘thing’, very few kids have all the things.
avocado says
The last line sums it up perfectly. Well said.
sleepissues says
Clementine – THANK YOU SO MUCH. I have a 14 month old that has yet to sleep through the night consistently and I’m very grateful to hear that there is someone else out there. Every.single.parent I know locally says their kid was sleeping thorugh the night by 4, 6, 9 and DEFINITELY by 12 months. Ugh, so hard.
Sleep is such a huge focus when they’re little, but I try to remind myself there are many more challenges in the parenting journey and maybe some of the others will be easier? I really hope so!!
AwayEmily says
Also it depends on how you react to your kid’s “thing.” I can’t speak for anyone else on here but I am a pretty Type-A person…if I see an issue (with food, sleep, potty, emotions etc) I will do All The Research (including talking to all the smart people here) to try and figure out the best strategy for dealing with it. Many parents take a much more relaxed approach and honestly, a relaxed approach is probably the right call much of the time, because many of these “things” will resolve on their own without intervention. I kind of wish I was a more chill parent like that, but…I’m not. So be it.
So, to the original pregnant anonymous — you are NOT destined to be a person who talks about their kid’s poop anxiety…lots of parents get by just fine with a lot less navel-gazing than me (and fwiw I definitely did not read your comment as mean at all!).
Anon says
This is where I feel perfectly OK comparing dogs to kids… With a decade of dog ownership, our EW POOP brains cells died way before kids :)
AwayEmily says
Anon in NYC — I’m sorry, it’s so frustrating to feel like there just isn’t a clear next step. What happens when you take off the diaper entirely? Withholding? I just vacationed with a friend whose 3-year-old demanded a diaper for pooping for six months, but finally doing a 4-day pantsless weekend got her over the hump.
Anon in NYC says
There may come a point where we refuse to put a diaper on her. I’m not sure that either me or my husband are ready for that yet, but I think it’s going to come to that at some point. Maybe we’ll hold out for a 3 or 4 day weekend in October or November.
AwayEmily says
Page me if/when you decide to do it and I can follow up with my friend to find out more about their experience — sounds like a fairly similar situation (very stubborn 3 year old and they had tried EVERYTHING…discipline, bribes, etc etc) and they were surprised at how (relatively) easily it resolved when they did their pantsless weekend. But I totally understand keeping that as a last resort.
BPS says
Finance question for the WiseHive – which state has the best 529 plan? I’ve heard NY and Utah. Since all states have options where the $ doesn’t have to go to an in-state school, trying to narrow options. Also if folks have other savings accounts they preferred to 529s for college – please advise! I am a big fan of these kind of savings, since my parents used something called the “Texas Tomorrow Fund” in the 90s for my sibling and I, which essentially had enough for our tuition and then some at our respective in-state undergraduate institutions.
Anonymous says
I’m in Indiana. We get a 20% tax credit on contributions up to $5k. It’s only for residents I believe, but on the off chance you live here, it’s a good plan.
BPS says
Wow that’s great. Not in IN – currently in the DC Metro area, but likely relocating to TX within the next year and a half so need something flexible.
Cate says
We’re in TX and use Utahs.
Anon says
Morningstar rates/ranks 529s. VA/NV/UT all rank highly.
BPS says
Thank you, all!
EB says
I am interested to hear how others would handle a situation my husband and I have found ourselves in. We live in an old house that needs a new roof as well as new paint and fascia – badly. Our neighbor two doors down just had his roof replaced and was able to get his insurance to cover it because his contractor found hail damage. We called the same contractor out to our house, which told us we also have hail damage. This contractor will not paint and redo fascia though. We had other contractors out, who told us no hail damage, and gave us quotes to redo roof, paint, fascia – the whole shebang. I don’t know if first contractor is totally above-board or not. Maybe not.
Husband called the insurance company to see if someone could come out and check for hail damage, and was told we need to open a claim and an adjuster will come out. Here’s the kicker though – if the adjuster comes out and does not find hail damage, our premium will be increased anyways. I doubt there’s anything we can do about this – it’s in the policy, so we’re probably stuck with it, although it seems very unfair as we are taking on the risk here.
So what would you do? I am not trying to get something I am not entitled to – if there’s no hail damage, fine. But we’re talking about a lot of money here, potentially covered by insurance. Has anyone dealt with this before? Any thoughts? Something I am missing?
Anonymous says
Yeah you’re missing that there is obviously no hail damage and your neighbors found a shady contractor willing to help them and you commit insurance fraud. Obviously.
Lana Del Raygun says
Yeah this sounds extremely sketchy to me too.
EB says
Thank you for this. It is totally possible. Likely, even. I am definitely not trying to commit fraud. But I do want to make sure I don’t pay for a new roof if it is something my insurance should cover! Because that’s a lot of money and I was hoping (perhaps unrealistically) there would be some great answer I hadn’t thought of. But thank you for the reality check, haha!
Anonymous says
You have more than one other contractor saying no hail damage.
Walnut says
So…was there a hail event?? If there was, call insurance out to have a look. If there was a hail event, I promise your rates are going up along with everyone else’s.
Anonymous says
It was our experience that we had hail damage and didn’t know it until we sold our house and the inspector found damage on the roof. Our insurance covered it. Although in this case, it does sound suspicious if the other inspectors didn’t consider it hail damage.
Spiprograph says
Non-parenting question: What are you reading? I’ve read a lot of heavy books recently, and am looking for a light, fluffy palate-cleanser. No genre is off limits, except whatever Nicholas Sparks fits into.
Anonymous says
The Kiss Quotient, Elinor Oliphant is Completely Fine, Beatriz Williams’ Schuyler Sisters books, The Light We Lost, Beasts of Extraordinary Circumstance, Young Jane Young, both of Celeste Ng’s books.
Anonymous says
would never admit this to anyone in real life (thank goodness for e-books) but I’m reading the Outlander series
Anonymous says
Huh? Those are so mainstream there’s a TV series.
Anonymous says
They are also super cheesy and 50+ demo. Not exactly high literary fare.
Anonymous says
Wow rude much? They’re fun and popular books. No need to hide them!
Anonymous says
Haha, my friend gave me a copy years ago when we were both in our early 20s, so I didn’t think of it as an older demo until my mom also recommended a few months ago. I’ll have to find whatever box of books it landed in…
SC says
I definitely file Outlander under “guilty pleasure” reading, and I wouldn’t gush about them to my coworkers, but I also wouldn’t hide that I’ve read the first few.
It’s never occurred to me that they’re a 50+ demographic. I read them in my 20s after my SIL, who’s younger than me, recommended them. My MIL was reading one of the Outlander books last month, but that doesn’t mean they’re only for older women.
lsw says
I really enjoyed the couple Liane Moriarty books I’ve read. When I need something less depressing I often look to YA fiction. I loved Eleanor and Park and El Deafo. Thrillers that aren’t terribly dark but real page turners from Blake Crouch (Wayward Pines, Dark Matter). Borne by Jeff Vandermeer is one of my favorite books I read lately – not depressing but not particularly light I guess.
Anonymous says
Just read The Hopefuls by Jennifer Close and really enjoyed it. It’s light and easy to read but it has enough substance that I didn’t feel guilty about it.
GCA says
Naomi Novik – the Temeraire series and Uprooted! My light fluffy palate cleansers lean towards fantasy and sci-fi.
AwayEmily says
YES I love these. Any other recs in this vein?
GCA says
I also recently read and enjoyed Nevernight and Godsgrave by Jay Kristoff, and The Hike by Drew Magary (that one was kind of a trip!). Exo by Fonda Lee and and The Black Tides of Heaven/ The Red Threads of Fortune by JY Yang are also on my never-ending list of things to read…
Anonymous says
I just got the notification that my library hold of Uprooted is available. I’m excited to read it! I am just finishing up Caroline, Little House Revisited, which retells the Little House story. I’ve just been reading those books aloud to my kids, so it is interesting to me. What a hard life on the prairie for women!
Carine says
Murder at the Brightwell is a fun read (I think I read the second one in that series and liked it too), second the Eleanor and Park rec, Major Pettigrew’s Last Stand was delightful.
Anonymous says
I recently got back into reading after moving super close to the library and I LOVE it. My favorite activity after kiddo is in bed is a walk around the neighborhood ending at the library. Good books I’ve read this year are The Power by Naomi Alderman, My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh, Quicksand by Malin Persson Giolito (sweedish crime novel), the Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead, and Lincoln in the Bardo by George Sanders. For good nonfiction I enjoyed The Boys in the Bunkhouse by Dan Barry, American Fire by Monica Hesse, Evicted, by Matthew Desmond, Then Comes Marriage by Roberta Kaplan, and the Stranger in the Woods by Michael Finkel. I also enjoy Laura Vanderkam’s books on time management.
Anonymous says
sorry I missed that you wanted something light and fluffy. Literally none of the books I recommended are light and fluffy and most are actually rather dark and depressing so please ignore my list!! Maybe i should read something more uplifting too…
Spirograph says
Totally OK, I am always adding to my list of substantive books to read, too, so these are still being filed away for the future. Thank you!
Carine says
Ha! I was reading through your list thinking, wow- I’d hate to see what this poster considers dark!
anon says
Loved Circe recently!
lawsuited says
I recently read Kevin Kwan’s trilogy and found it to be perfect summer reading
Spirograph says
Thank you, everyone! I’ve added all of these to my list, and found Murder at the Brightwell at the library on my lunch break, so that is first up. :)
Anonymous says
Welp, we just booked $5k+ worth of tickets to visit my MIL for a week over the holidays, which will involve two plane transfers, three children under 6, me likely having to work to close a deal in January and getting sh*t about it from everyone, a MIL who is constantly critical and only engages with my kids through screen time, a non-childproofed apartment on the beach where the beach is the only option for entertainment for my fair-skinned kids, and lots of FOMO since I really enjoy spending time with my parents and siblings over the holidays. My MIL is not in great health and recently lost my FIL, so I can’t complain too much about this to my husband and need to start framing this positively in my mind. I get silently annoyed that they chose to retire so d*mn far from their family so that we have to spend our precious vacation time on these long hauls and my husband has to spend lots of money and time away from us visiting them for their various health crises. (Although she thought about moving here when my FIL died, an idea which I was even less thrilled about… gah.) I get (even more silently) annoyed that she has taken such poor care of her health and is so sedentary. I also know I sound like a brat complaining out loud that I have to go on vacation to the beach. Thanks, internet strangers, for listening to me whine.
SC says
That sounds rough. I like the beach, but beach vacations are a ton of work, and I can’t even imagine getting 3 small kids into swimsuits + sunscreen and out the door before it’s time to come back in from the beach. (I assume this is somewhere in the southern hemisphere where you can actually go out to the beach.)
I’d encourage you to let screen time standards go for this vacation. If your MIL will watch TV or movies with them, let them watch. You could also bring some playing cards, a card game like Uno, or some board games that people could play together.
Anonymous says
Thanks! We will definitely be relaxed about screen time and bring games… I will need to take a chill pill and keep reminding myself to meet my MIL where she is. Last time, I brought cookie cutters to try to make simple Christmas cookies for a fun activity, and I ended up doing it by myself while MIL watched NCIS in the other room and I tried to keep the kids from watching crime scenes on TV and everyone wondered why I was being a crazy Christmas cookie lady. Sigh.
I think reframing this as, “It’s important to just BE with husband’s family” is key. Survival and seeing family are the name of the game. My mind tends to get into a framework of “We’ve just traveled to another continent at great expense and hassle, so let’s do all kinds of fun and interesting things to make it worth it,” which leads to disappointment, obviously.
I should also note that my BIL and SIL will be there, and they are a pleasure to be around and great with the kids, so I should not be such a downer, and we will have extra, active adult hands around.
SC says
I understand. I struggle with “just BE with family” on a normal Saturday.
My mom’s parents were also sedentary due to health issues. They were also pretty dysfunctional in ways that drove my dad nuts. My dad used to take a few hours to go hit golf balls at the driving range at least once per week-long visit. Is there some relaxing, solo activity you could do?
Anonymous says
Unfortunately, I think to the extent I get a few hours to myself, those are likely going to go towards frantically catching up with work (so glad I make those biglaw bucks to drag my family across the world on such enjoyable vacations!). I’ll just make sure to reserve half an hour each day to go for a run, which goes a long way toward making me feel less rage-y. I’m glad I have you internet friends to talk to, since I really feel bratty complaining about this in real life!
Anonymous says
There are solutions to each of these problems, but I get that a bunch of problems/annoyances compounded feels unmanageable.
Anon says
My sympathies and sending you good coping vibes. It’s cruel to drag a family with three kids across country to visit but sounds like this time you really have to suck it up. Maybe you can schedule Easter with your family to make up for this?
Anonymous says
Omg do you even listen to yourself? It is not cruel to visit his widowed mother in her home. It is a tremendous privilege to have the opportunity to do this for grandma, Dad, and kids. Cruel? You’re outta your mind.
Blueberries says
That sounds really annoying. I’d be unhappy. Can you get in a better frame of mind by getting solutions lined up?
-set expectations with you husband about your work schedule and suggest he get a babysitter/helper/kids activities to help him with the kids while you work. People are more prone to complaining about a spouse’s work schedule if they have to do everything themselves.
-book a desk at your firm’s local office, or explore the possibility of getting a co-working space to work out of the apartment