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Anon says
Just coming here to vent and release this thought as my mother is about to arrive …. I’ve realized that the powerful mother of my youth (“girls can do anything!” and “get out there and conquer the world with all the opportunities I didn’t have!”) has turned into the grandmother who treats her granddaughters with a high degree of s e x i s m. I first noticed it when she talked about my brother’s kids — starting around age 4, she used a highly inappropriate term and pejorative word to describe my niece, and would ascribe manipulation to her very age appropriate and normal 4 yr old behavior. I pushed back hard on her descriptions and certainly the use of the word, but chalked some of it up to a sometimes rocky relationship with my sister in law.
Now, I’m seeing it with my own daughter who recently turned 4 — I was on the phone with her yesterday talking through our schedule when they visit, and she mentioned that she won’t watch my daughter alone b/c two years ago — when my daughter was TWO — she cried when my mom arrived and “gave her a funny look” and “doesn’t like [my mom] at all.” Ironically, my daughter has been stupid excited to see her when she has arrived over the last two years, but my mom is just stuck on this one bad interaction.
My son is actually a much harder kid — but any of his behavior is just “boys being boys,” and same for my nephew. It is definitely clear she prefers my son, and when my daughter exhibits any similar behavior as he regularly exhibits, I get a “wow, she’s really [insert negative word typically used against women/manipulative/willful, etc.]”
Obviously, I will push back on all of this in the moment and thankfully none of it has been in earshot of any of the kids, but I’m realizing it just makes me sad that the mother of my youth (who I credit with helping push me to accomplish a lot of my professional successes in very male dominated fields) isn’t showing up for her granddaughters in the same way. I think some of it has to do with a complicated relationship with my father as they age. He still lavishes love and attention on her, but also sometimes, ugh, some of their single friends. As far as I can tell, it’s never crossed a line, but as more of their friends have divorced in their 60s, I think he’s become a bit of a “go-to” guy around the house for friends who are suddenly living alone after decades of marriage. He really loves the attention and the praise that is heaped on him by my mom’s friends, and my mom clearly is uncomfortable with it, but rather than addressing it head on with my dad — she’s re-directing all the anger towards the friends. s/Super fun, and ultimately their business, but man, is it disappointing that some of this angst is clearly coming out towards the girls in our family :(
Anon says
Ugh, commiseration. I also feel like both my parents raised to be anything I wanted in the 90s with a lot of girl power messaging, and now they are upset about “me too going too far” and “women these days”. They are also obsessed with being thin. I’ve learned to tune out their comments about how I’m no longer a size 0 because I am “letting myself go”, but I got pretty upset when they moved on to my toddler being “chunky” (he** yeah she is! She is a fantastic eater, I cook her lots of healthy meals from scratch, and she is growing happy and healthy as per her doctor). Anyway, I love my parents but I feel like they have swung weirdly conservative since retirement – a trend discussed on here multiple times – and I’m thinking hard about how to address some of this messaging with my daughter when she’s older.
Anon says
I’ve got boys but commiseration on having to shut down innapropriate language/favoritism. We’ve had to have many ‘adults don’t always make fair decisions/can say mean things and mom and dad will always be on your side and here to help you’ types of conversations. I’m not going to force my kids to be polite to people who aren’t polite to them, so maybe give your kids that permission to say something like ‘that’s not a nice thing to say’ and then go find you.
I am also ruthless about setting boundaries and sticking up for my kid. Frankly my mom is not an easy/warm grandma and my dad enables her so I got used to setting limits and enforcing them early. You’ll also be shocked at how quickly she’ll fall in line once you start setting a hard limit – ‘mom we’re not using that language at/around my kids, if I hear it again I’ll leave/hang up the phone/ask you to leave’ – then follow through. It’s parenting your own parents – set reasonable limits, communicate your boundaries, and follow through. Whether or not she agrees with your limits/likes them/etc. is not your problem (though definitely raise this with a therapist – it sucks and it’s not fair that your parent is behaving like a kid!).
anon says
I was raised with a lot of mixed messaging where I was encouraged to excel academically, but have parents with very traditional gender views where mothers should stay at home and men should do nothing in the home or with kids. I became a very successful professional but am met with nothing but criticism about how I parent. According to my mom my kids only misbehave because they miss me, are stressed and overscheduled because they go to summer camps (as childcare), my husband is treated poorly by me because he helps with the kids and cooking, and on and on. It’s one of the main reasons that I’ve dramatically cut back contact with them.
I also have two girls and don’t want them to hear that messaging. It’s just so ironic because my mother has always been upset that her parents didn’t support her going to college because she was a girl. She’s also always been really hurt that my father never helped with the kids at all and can’t even get himself a glass of water, let alone feed himself. But now she won’t support me having a job and a husband who is happy to contribute as a co-parent. It’s just so frustrating.
Anon says
I’ll add that my parents don’t have any grandchildren who are boys. If there was favouritism towards boy grandchildren, like there was towards my brother growing up, they’d never see my kids. My girls don’t deserve to be treated as lesser people or have their behavior picked apart because they aren’t male.
Betsy says
Unfortunately I think this is a common response. They lament that they didn’t get the support to do xyz, but they are resentful when the next generation does get that support. I don’t understand that instinct at all, it makes me so sad, but I see it all the time. It is something I hope to be very cognizant of as I age and see the next generation getting more support than I had.
Anon says
Yeah, it’s really emotional for them. It’s like how I’m living my life and my choices are a criticism of how they raised me. I’ve tried using boundaries, but I think there’s just too much to pent up emotion for them to be rational about it.
Anonymous says
This is such an interesting discussion. My mom really did it all as a working woman in a male dominated field, raising two kids and keeping a house with a pretty unsupportive husband. I think she is happy and proud of me that my life is objectively easier and I have better support, but my husband said something recently about her tendency to kind of play the martyr (which she definitely does!), and I think it bothers her a bit that I absolutely refuse to do that to myself. Kind of like, she was willing to make herself miserable to make everyone around her happy, so why isn’t her daughter willing to do that????
anon says
I see some of this in my mom, too. She was a SAHM until I was in high school, though. My dad is a wonderful person, but he definitely left most of the hard parenting stuff to my mom, not to mention all the cooking, cleaning, etc. Very traditional gender roles. My mom never did anything for herself, which I found sad even as a kid. When marrying my DH, I was VERY CLEAR with him that a very traditional lifestyle like that was 100 percent not for me. He doesn’t get out of doing the hard, unglamorous parts of life just because he wants to do man things.
anon says
This post and the OP are definitely resonating with me! It’s unfortunate that several of us are having these experiences, but it does make me less alone. When people say “Oh it’s so nice that your mom lives close to help with the kids…” it’s very much a mixed bag.
Anonymous says
In terms of your mom, I would remind her that kids change so much! A year to them is like a decade to us. That’s good and bad–sometimes they don’t remember grandparents they haven’t seen in six months, but also, they’re different people today than they were six months ago. She shouldn’t dwell on the past.
But I get it. My MIL is only interesting in commenting on her grandchildren’s looks and smarts. It drives me insane.
GCA says
Ugh, I’m sorry. I think those are just the inherent limitations of 80s and 90s girl-power feminism – you had the ‘women can do it all’ messaging without the corresponding recognition of systemic inequalities, or emotional labor, care and respect at home from partners to make a genuinely equal relationship. None of that really excuses your mom’s behavior here.
So how do you manage this and prioritize protecting your kids? Maybe a few options:
1. Set firm boundaries/ reduce interaction. As she gets older your daughter might recognize that your mom obviously favors one grandchild anyway.
2. Have a thoughtful 1:1 conversation with your mom about what kind of relationship she wants to have with her granddaughters, bringing up the relationship you had with her as a child as a frame. Only if she’s open to it.
Probably more options i haven’t thought of. Family therapy, if it gets bad enough.
Anonymous says
I can commiserate. My family of origin strictly abides by traditional gender roles, and I accurately predicted that our relationship with them would require work because they don’t understand our lifestyle and priorities. In contrast, my MIL was a pathfinder who balanced an ambitious career with parenting. I looked forward to her being a role model for our daughter or, at the very least, someone who would be in our daughter’s life without requiring us to manage boundaries and provide explanations after strange interactions. Instead, she dramatically changed in her 60s and 70s and I don’t even recognize the MIL I met years ago.
Diet culture has consumed her. Every meal involves her fretting over her calorie count aloud and describing foods as “bad” and “good.” My husband and I are tired of trying to navigate disordered eating in age-appropriate contexts and balancing enforcing boundaries with being respectful to my MIL’s struggles. My MIL is also helpless (or feigns it) and seems to believe that her worth is determined by how much she can get her son and husband to do for her. She’s basically cast herself as a damsel in distress and being around her feels like living in an old-school Disney princess movie.
Anonymous says
Ugh. I’m sorry. My MIL also clearly favors boys over girls because my husbands sister has made a lot of bad choices and kinda gave them hell from like age 9 until…current day haha. She’ll clearly say “teenage girls are awful” in front of my daughter etc… I don’t have any advice.
Anonymous says
Just started TTC again for baby #2, and am realizing that my cycles are way more variable than they were last time. Could I be entering perimenopause? I’m 35. Any advice besides just temping/using OPK strips?
Anon says
Depending on how long it’s been since Baby #1/you stopped breastfeeding (if applicable), it might just be your hormones being a little out of whack. It took a while for my cycle to get regular after having a baby. I think your best bet is just keeping track of them and using the strips. And just doing it regularly so you’re more likely to hit that window, whatever it is!
Anon says
It’s a little early for perimenopause, but every woman is different. Often cycles will get shorter and ovulation will move up when you get close to peri. Were you on birth control in the meantime? If can definitely take up to six cycles to regulate after that.
That said, variable cycles shouldn’t be a problem as long as you are actually ovulating. I’ve always had variable cycles (ovulating anywhere from day 14 to day 30!) and got pregnant on the first try four times. Tracking is definitely the way to go…I used the full ClearBlue monitor, since I use it every cycle for fertility awareness/natural family planning, but LH strips and temps to confirm Ov should also suffice. Make sure there’s at least 12 days from the positive LH test until you get your period; any less indicates a short luteal phase, which could impede pregnancy
Betsy says
Acupuncture has enough research behind it that a lot of IVF clinics have an acupuncturist on staff. I gave it a try with low expectations and was shocked at what a difference it made in regulating my cycles.
Anonymous says
It could be that or could be something totally different or nothing! Helpful answer I know. Anecdotally my cycles were extremely variable ages 30-35 (32-47 days) and now at 41 are 100 percent regular and the only thing that changed was I had a second baby at 36.
Anon says
Mine were like that after my first. It doesn’t mean you still can’t get pregnant, assuming that they’re still within the range of normal (like no super short luteal phase). Your approach sounds solid to me.
Anon says
I had the same thing. I saw an REI after 6 months who immediately put me on letrozole and we conceived on our second cycle.
Cb says
Working mom victory – I moved universities in September and have struggled to connect with folks as no one lives locally and everyone (including me) works from home when not teaching. I realised 2 other women in my academic department live in the neighbouring city and today, we met for coffee/writing morning at a local library and had lunch in the sunshine. All three of us are moms to kids under 7 and we had such a nice chat/connection, and they were really appreciative.
I’m grateful for the ability to WFH loads from a work-life balance perspective, but it does leave my extroverted self feeling isolated so it’s been really nice.
Anon says
I’m similarly torn on WFH. It’s great, it’s convenient, I can do laundry and take a quick run and work in sweatpants. But honestly it’s just so lonely sometimes, and I’m not friendly or connected with my team in the way I used to be (this may also be because I’m in a different season of life with little kids, but I miss office friendships). It’s great if you find something that works for you! I would love to have a group of colleagues who live nearby and would go for a little coffee/work session.
busybee says
I feel the same! I WFH full time and I have 3 kinds under 3, plus a husband whose work schedule means I solo parent most weekends. WFH is the only way I can make this all work. But I miss office friendships too! Working moms get office friendships, SAHMs get other SAHMs, and WFH moms get time to unload the dishwasher but limited social opportunities.
Anon says
see i like WFH bc i can sometimes block time to use what wouldve been my commute time to meet a friend for a walk or coffee
Cb says
Yes! And academia is so solo anyways, I don’t write or work with anyone in my department so it doesn’t make sense to schlep in given how long my commute is, but I get lonely. Sometimes I just go and work at our local library, there’s a friendly librarian who will stop by “my” desk for a chat about books, etc.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’m hybrid, and required to come in at least once a week, my VP asked me to tack on an extra day, so it’s been 2 days/week. I’ve actually ADDED another day on my own volition right now as things are ramping up/getting busier.
I’m an introvert, so WFH would be ideal. However, I’m going through a tough season of life right now on a few fronts. Not being at home, alone, with my thoughts and seeing the piles on my desk that need to be organized and all the household management that needs to be addressed while working is really important for my mental health!
Anon says
Talk me into/out of taking a big job. My current job (in-house lawyer) is fine – pays the bills, WFH, flexible, my team is friendly enough. It’s also pretty boring with no upward mobility. I was going to stick it out until I have a second child and they’re a bit older (I currently have a toddler and we’re TTC for baby#2). But TTC is taking longer than expected, the nature of my job has taken a turn to more boring and unrewarding work with a side of annoying corporate nonsense, and an old family friend who is now the head of legal at a very large and well-known company is offering me a job that could be a great fit. I don’t have the job, but I would probably have a decent chance if I choose to pursue it. It would be more money, more interesting work, and more upward mobility. It would also be more demanding on my time, some days in the office, and just a lot more leaning back in vs my current flexible coasting. I’m struggling between thinking this is a bad time for this with the potential for baby #2, maybe needing IVF, taking care of little kids, etc. But I’m also a little bored and depressed at work and there’s a part of me that is really ambitious and needs more stimulation. I also find WFH lonely and could use some time at the office. Anyone take a big job with young kids? Is this a terrible idea? My husband leaves early so I’m on morning duty but he could step up on some evenings, and we could afford to hire additional help, but I would see less of my child(ren).
Anonymous says
I think the answer depends on how much support you have at home — family nearby, close friends that could carpool/babysit, a nanny/housekeeper? If you’ve got some support that would allow for flexibility, go for it! I had a similar situation and decided to stick with the boring job until kid #2 is in preschool because we have no local family and aren’t in the income bracket for a 40 hours+ nanny, but if you have those supports I’d say do it.
Anon OP says
My family isn’t local but my in-laws are. They work, but they are reasonably helpful and can step in to pick up/watch kiddo in the evening if it’s an emergency. They won’t provide full-time care. My husband and I both have good jobs so we could afford some extra help, especially if my income goes up pretty significantly (which I believe would be the case, obviously I won’t take the job without discussing compensation first). We have a cleaning service that come once every two weeks but we could up that, our babysitter has expressed an interest in taking on more hours, our daycare is open 7-6, we have a dog walker who could come by more often for the dog, we could afford a full-time nanny if we needed one.
Anonymous says
My perspective is that it’s much easier to have a big job when your kids are little than when they are in school. When they are little they accept the status quo and routine and don’t guilt-trip you about aftercare and business trips, and it’s easier to outsource the physical labor and intense supervision that toddlers and preschoolers need than the logistical support (arranging summer day camps, managing services and 504s/IEPs for kids with special needs, etc.), homework scaffolding, and emotional support that big kids need. If the big job would be challenging and energizing and you are currently bored, I’d give it a whirl now. It will never get easier until your kids are out of the house, and by then it will be too late to get off the mommy track.
Boston Legal Eagle says
100% agree. It doesn’t get easier when the kids are in the school, the challenges just change. A lot more logistics and mental work. I’d say, take this new job now and build up goodwill for when you get to that older kid stage. Hire more support for the physical parts now.
Caveat that I am someone who gets a lot of validation from being good at work. I started this job when my oldest was a baby and I’ve grown in the role and in the company. I feel good about where I am now and keep getting new projects to keep me challenged. I hate being bored too, but also like having some down seasons where it’s not big law type work all the time.
Mary Moo Cow says
+! to your first sentence. My kids are now 3rd and 1st grade, and with each passing year, I’m more glad I work in low expectations government and have a spouse with a very flexible, full time WFH job. Daycare was 11 hour a day availability 360 days a year. In elementary, you have shorter days, summers and breaks and random days off on top of extra curricular activities that take up nights and weekends, homework/school projects, field trips, etc. that just demand more mental and physical energy (and I never thought I would say that having elementary kids would be as tiresome as having a baby!) This is just to say that I sought a lean out job when I was pregnant with my first and don’t see myself going for a big job anytime soon, but to each her own.
Anon says
My experience was that elementary school was less logistically challenging than I expected after reading here, and I didn’t experience any guilt trips about aftercare (kids loved it) or business travel (kids didn’t love it, but accepted it fine). I know I’m lucky in that regard, but just wanted to provide that perspective.
For me the real difference was that *I* wanted to be around more starting in elementary school. I’m not a huge baby person, and really not a toddler person, but I love bigger kids and starting around age 4-5 it was harder for me to not be around.
I’m not sure that’s a reason to take a big job now though, since the 0-5 years pass by relatively quickly.
Go for it! says
I think you should explore it more! Go through the interview process and then make a decision when you have more concrete information and have met the people you’d be working with directly.
anon says
In house jobs that are a good fit and in the right location don’t come up all that often. I’d go for it.
Anon says
Don’t lean out of your career before you have to. All of the things you listed about taking this new job are hypotheticals at this point. What if you change your mind about trying for another child? What if you are not able to have another? What if you have another child but things are fine because you have help?
Anon says
I’ll add that it’s easier to go back to work after having a baby when you like your job than when you don’t like your job.
Anon OP says
Yeah, I have thought about all of that. I’ve had pregnancy losses and am feeling stuck at a boring job while the baby I’m waiting for isn’t coming, so I guess I’m itching for a change, but what if I get pregnant the second I start this new and demanding job?
Anon says
People get pregnant after starting new jobs all the time. Employers understand that their employees will have babies.
Anon says
But if you haven’t been there a year when you give birth you may not be eligible for paid maternity leave or even unpaid FMLA. It’s a valid concern, IMO.
Anonymous says
So take three months off from TTC.
Anon says
It would need to be more like 6 months, since babies can come early. And if you’re already having fertility challenges, taking 6 months off isn’t something you’d do lightly. I’m not saying it can’t be done, but I do think it’s a valid thing for OP to be concerned about.
anon says
Negotiate for the ideal maternity leave upfront when you have the offer
Anonymous says
That seems like an extremely bad idea unless she’s already at least 12 weeks pregnant when the offer is made.
Anonymous says
I hope you see this because I almost posted something identical a few weeks ago when I had an offer for a new job. I have a toddler, am in fertility treatment for no. 2, my company did a big layoff recently, and my husband works long hours out of the house. I’m also an in house attorney working remotely.
My offer was slightly different – it was basically a once in a career in house opportunity for someone in my specialty but would have required a return to BigLaw hours for a12-18 months, in person, and then would level out around 50-55 hours a week, but for BigLaw pay with a lot of additional upside.
Going through the process helped me recommit to my current job for at least a year. I don’t know if you have the option to go to an office or workspace, but I’ve started going in 2 days a week to our office and it’s made a huge difference. I also talked to my boss about how I wasn’t feeling challenged and am on some new stretch projects. I was given a retention bonus after the layoff which also helped sway my decision.
I worked in BigLaw for 8 years and it was grueling. That was my “big job”. I loved that job but it’s incompatible with the kind of life I want outside of work. Most jobs I’m interested in would require a ton of hours and I know I would hate the hours.
I saved a lot of money in Big Law, bought a condo I love in our VHCOLA area, and my mom watches my toddler. We have family adventures on the weekend. I can take my dog for long walks without getting interrupted by calls. I have a lovely life outside of work and I made an intentional decision to preserve that balance. Adding additional childcare, seeing my toddler less, taking away from our weekend family time – I just had a visceral reaction to that.
In your shoes, I would at least interview and see if the job is really what you think it is.
I would be willing to jump for the right role but this one wasn’t it for me.
Good luck!
Anon OP says
Hi, thanks for this. I’m definitely torn about this a bit. I left big law M&A after 6 years to start a family. I’m happy I did, but I’ve also been kind of bored ever since. I don’t think this is big law expectations exactly, and there is no possibility of partnership and no business development (except internal), but it’s support in a high-stress industry. I definitely don’t want to never see my kid. I’m going to speak to them more and try to assess what the expectations are exactly.
Sara says
Has anyone used some fabulous peel and stick wallpaper lately? Looking to bring color and fun to a craft room space that will be used by me and my kids but everything seems either too formal or too childish.
Vicky Austin says
My sister (a designer) has been telling me about Spoonflower.
Anon says
I like some of the patterns from Milton & King.
Mary Moo Cow says
I’ve gotten colorful, non-childish patterns from Spoonflower through Etsy. I searched for multi color or with a pattern to narrow it down. I currently am debating between pastel plaid, orange and pink jungle, and tropical print for the playroom with Spoonflower samples. That’s another plus: you can order generous size samples before you buy!
Anonymous says
I have a wall of brightly colored jellyfish from Spoonflower. I love it SO much.
Anon says
What are some pick-me-ups for you in a hard time/season of life?
I’m not talking about core things like sleep, therapy, exercise, good food, connecting with loved ones, but like bits of lightness or fun during the day just for you. Looking for ideas.
Cb says
I light a candle at my desk, I’ll pop into the garden to weed or deadhead for 10 minutes during the day, etc.
Anon says
Ooo, I’ll also step outside to weed when I need a break working from home. It’s good stress relief while feeling productive.
Cb says
Yep, taking the admonition to “touch grass” quite literally :)
Anonymous says
Lately it’s the little things that are keeping me going. I bought an espresso machine and enjoy a homemade latte every day, made with fancy beans in a pretty glass. I use purple pens. I make my daily to-do list on a fancy pad from Ink & Volt. I usually have a small seasonal decoration in my home office; it’s currently a bunny pillow from Target. Sometimes I sit in the parking lot between errands and scroll my phone in silence and solitude. I have live plants in every room of the house. I am watching Kate Bowler’s daily Lent videos on social media. If I have to go out in the evening, I set out my PJs so they are waiting for me when I come home. Sometimes I read a few pages from the book “A Little History of Philosophy.” I used to subscribe to the daily poetry e-mails from poetry dot com–need to resubscribe. I do the Wordle, Connections, and the Waffle every day. I walk the dog and look for new flowers blooming. I take little breaks to play an on-line game that reinforces skills for my favorite hobby. I put on music while cooking and doing housework. I fold all the clothes in my drawers KonMari style and get a little surge of delight whenever I open a drawer.
anon says
I love all of these ideas!
Vicky Austin says
Lighting candles. Baking as much as I want. Using my favorite pens, hand cream, etc at my desk. Takeout coffee. I’ve been on a big kick lately of listening to classical, but sometimes it’s fun after a few days of Rachmaninoff to turn on 1989 Taylor’s Version and bop around the living room with my kid. Taking a bath instead of a shower. A change is as good as a rest, my mom likes to say, and I find that helps me the most.
Lise says
This is a work-from-home exclusive, but I’ve started to learn how to play a musical instrument. I don’t have lofty performance goals, but taking 15-20 minutes out from my day to practice brings me real joy.
Vicky Austin says
Oh I love doing this when I can sneak a few minutes!
Anonymous says
I WFH and on Fridays I’ve started allowing myself to watch a tv show during my lunch break. It’s a silly indulgence that I really enjoy.
Anonymous says
I bought nice socks from Bombas and nice loungewear from Outdoor Voices for wfh or weekends. I subscribed to the Patreon on my favorite podcast to get more episodes, because I like to listen in the car and while doing chores.
I browse the RealReal and curate my recommendations and imagine where I would wear these nice looks.
Candles from le labo or Jenni Kayne.
When I was going through a particularly rough time, I bought myself Starbucks every fricking day. Sue me. I work really hard and I deserve it.
AwayEmily says
Fancy chocolates and/or fancy beer, which I have after the kids are in bed.
Ordering books I really want to read (the new Tana French!!) instead of waiting for them to come to me on library loan.
Getting into bed early and reading said books. Possibly with the aforementioned beer.
Anon says
Ooh I like all of these but especially #2. It’s such a small thing, but so frustrating to wait for months to get hot new bestsellers from the library.
Anonymous says
Honestly, doing cartwheels and handstands in our playroom while WFH! Bonus points of its during a (video off) meeting.
Anon says
There was an article in the Guardian yesterday about how 20% of kids entering school are not yet toilet trained or otherwise school-ready (able to dress themselves, for example). Apparently it’s a huge contributor to teacher burnout. This is really surprising to me – I thought by kindergarten age, not being toilet trained was still rare, even with the age of training creeping up from 18 months to 3+ years over the last half-century.
Anon says
Sorry, meant to add 20% of kids in the UK.
Anon says
I just went and found it because that sounds interesting and horrifying. As best I can tell as an American, it references “reception”, which I think is more like preK here. But I also totally believe that parents are not adequately preparing kids with the life skills to go to school. How often are parents (even around here) asking about academics and how high their kid should be able to count to tell if they’re ready for school? But there are so many more important things to work on with kids – reading paper books, playing with play dough to strengthen hands for writing, zipping a coat, etc.
One of my soapboxes is all the ruckus over “educational” apps for kids, when none of that matters, and is likely taking time away from the truly important things young kids should be doing.
Anonymous says
I don’t know about the UK, but in the US I notice that parents seem to be increasingly opposed to teaching and allowing kids independence. Part of it may be that it’s just easier and faster to do everything for your kids, but there is also a lot of angst about everything’s being done perfectly. Kids aren’t taught to tie their shoes, put on their own sunscreen, put away their things, order for themselves in restaurants, etc. It also may be that many of us do not really interact with small children until we have our own and don’t know what expectations are appropriate at what age. I remember being shocked by some of the things day care taught my kid to do because I had not imagined that they were possible yet, like kids in the 1-year-old room throwing away their own trash and washing their own hands.
Anon says
I agree with this. There’s very little collective patience for the pace or mess of little kids, which robs them of opportunities to try new things. And kids are very “supervised” these days, so an adult is always around to get them what they need instead of having to figure it out for themselves.
I know there’s been a lot of Montessori talk lately, but this is part of what appeals to me about it as a life philosophy. The focus is on providing kids as much independence as they want, and sloooowing down so they get many chances to practice. Toddlers are preparing their own snacks at age 1, toilet training themselves at age 2 and doing all manner of personal and household tasks with gusto by age 3. I’m not saying all kids can or should do things on this timetable, but many want to try. And I think it makes the whole family a little happier…how many toddler tantrums are over them not being able to “do it myself”? No fights over how you cut the banana or the color cup they get if they are allowed to do it themselves!
Anon says
I think this really depends – I know some toddlers are very “I do it myself” but some are lazy and want everything done for them! I admit we never really pushed independence but we had a kid who wanted us to do everything for her so it wasn’t a source of friction, and we figured there was no way our kid was going to college not knowing how to tie her shoes or brush her hair so we didn’t mind doing these things past the age at which she could have been taught to do it herself. Preschool taught her some things they cared about, like applying sunscreen and getting into winter coats independently, which was fine.
I think this is a very different kind of independence than emotional independence and ability to separate from parents confidently, which I believe we’ve done a good job of fostering.
Anon says
I think they start school a bit younger in the UK. Many kids start at 4, I believe. Still most kids are toilet trained by then for sure but it’s less unusual than a 5 or 6 year old not being fully toilet trained.
Cb says
Yep, in England, you can start reception from 4, Scotland 4.5. I haven’t noticed such severe issues in my son’s big socioeconomically diverse school, but I’m sure it does happen? We get 30 hours free nursery from 3 so most kids have experience in a structured nursery environment, but obviously they won’t potty train without parent support.
Anonymous says
Reception is equivalent to pre-K, so we’re talking kids who are 4 or 5
Anonymous says
It’s not uncommon for kindergarten age to be 6 in the US. In UK and Europe ‘kindergarten’ is more like what we think of as ‘preschool’ – play based and some academics. Generally ages 4-6 but depending on cut off dates for a particular location, the littlest may be 3.5 and the oldest may be a couple months from age 7.
Anon says
Public preschool/kindergarten (maternelle) starts at 3 in France, and the cut-off is Dec 31, so some kids are only 2.5 when they start in September. A lot of the younger kids do half days. They do ask that kids be potty trained, but they also acknowledge that accidents can happen with the younger kids. I did read that recent budget cuts meant fewer teacher’s assistants which meant a lot of stress for the teachers handling multiple potty requests etc with kids too little to go alone.
Anonymous says
Will these schools even accept kids who aren’t potty trained? My sister had to hold back one of her kids from entering K because she hadn’t bothered to fully train him in time.
Anon says
Just choosing not to potty train a kid is one thing, but if there are any underlying mental or physical health issues, it would presumably be an ADA-qualifying disability and I don’t see how a public school in the US could refuse a child with a disability.
DLC says
I think an important thing is that many of those kids going into kindergarten right now are pandemic adjacent babies. Their parents had them at a very stressful and uncertain time. I don’t have any real information or any profound thoughts on correlation, but there may be a very high level of burnout/tiredness/prioritization of life skills for parents who had babies/small children in 2020-2022. I know I was a very different parent to my kid born in 2012 than my kid born in 2019.
I think we all feel like life is going back to “normal”, but the early pandemic was truly such a hard time and I think we don’t give ourselves enough credit for getting through and grace for the things we let slide.
Anon says
Seconding DLC’s comment, and not just because I resemble this remark. My 4 yr old child is currently in OT and PT with development delays that, frankly, should have been diagnosed much earlier. But…I felt like the pediatrician’s office was spotty and inconsistent during the pandemic and we were only encouraged to come in for the most serious of issues. We also didn’t start him in preschool until 3, when an experienced teacher started to flag issues. He will be held back from K to give him time to catch up (he is still not potty trained, for example), and we are lucky that his delays are improving with OT and PT so he’ll probably be okay when he does start K — but we frankly missed a lot bc he was our only child and we just … didn’t have any basis of comparison, nor were we actively socializing with other kids, for two key years of his development.
Mary Moo Cow says
The educators in my circle are blaming the pandemic shut downs of daycares. So many centers closed for good that tons of kids in our area were left without daycare and their parents didn’t fill the gaps on toiletings, dressing, using silverware, etc. I mean, my own kids learned a lot of life skills at daycare that I just had to reinforce at home, and so without daycare but just an ad hoc make-it-work of babysitters and watching them while you work from home, and not having many opportunities to socialize and observe what other families are doing to teach skills, it makes sense to me why there’s a lack of readiness in 3-4 year olds now.
Anon says
I don’t disagree, but I think it’s an unfortunate trend that parents are outsourcing life skills to daycare. If anything, more time at home with families should be a net positive and have given kids more time to develop soft skills (not talking about the severely under-resourced, but about the broad swath of us who were stressed but overall very fortunate). Im not directing this at *you*, but this line of thinking matches up with what the article is saying — parents are not preparing kids for life.
Anonymous says
This. Or outsourcing moral instruction/values to school. Parents are their child’s first and most important teachers. I now know a lot of kids who can’t tie their shoes or ride their bikes at age 9. 9!!!
Anon says
It’s certainly horrifying if parents are outsourcing all moral instruction to schools, but what exactly is so terrible about a kid not learning to tie shoes or ride a bike until later? Life’s not a race and kids have such a short time to be little. Plenty of kids are motivated to do this kind of stuff at a young age, but if the kid doesn’t care, what’s the harm in waiting until they’re more motivated?
And fwiw this was the attitude my parents had in the 80s so I don’t think it’s all “modern parenting.” I learned to ride a bike early because I wanted to keep up with neighbor kids, but a lot of other stuff I didn’t do until later because I just didn’t care that much. I don’t feel like I was harmed in any way. A lot of the things being discussed on this thread aren’t really “life skills” for adults anyway. I think it’s more important to adult life to know things like managing finances and knowing cooking basics than to be an expert shoe-tier.
Anonymous says
I think a lot of things are being blamed on pandemic closures that really result from the total breakdown of the fabric of society that began in 2016 and was fully exposed by the pandemic. After 2016 the lazy, pushy, selfish people in our society became fully empowered to act that way in public, and the rest of us became exhausted from having to deal with them and to constantly fight the broken systems and power imbalances. We are all basically just trash now and it shows in how we raise our children.
Anonymous says
Day care has asked us to bring filled eggs for an egg hunt, but no candy. Do you have any fun ideas? Last year we got a lot of squishies and stickers. I was thinking mini finger puppets? My twins are 3 fwiw; their eggs will be mixed in with older kids’ eggs too.
Anon says
It’s hard to come up with things that aren’t choking hazards and I bet a lot of the 3 yos have younger siblings at home. Finger puppets sound great. Maybe those sponges that grow with water?
anon says
The best valentine my kid recieved was a holograph/prism sticker. He was mesmerized.
Anonymous says
those sticky things that have a hand-shape on one end and you stretch it and the hand sticks to stuff? Sorry I have no idea what that’s called, we call it “sticky hand” in our house and it is a huge hit with the 3-year old.
Anon says
Stickers and temporary tattoos were a hit for my 4 year old last year.
Anon says
I think stores like Michaels sell little plastic dinosaur and animal figures.
Tea/Coffee says
Mini erasers
Bouncy balls
Anonymous says
Playdoh easter eggs!
Healthy Eating 101 says
How do you incorporate fruits and vegetables into your diet? DS is 3 and doesn’t eat any fruits or vegetables, not even a pouch or applesauce, and it’s because DH and I don’t really eat them except for whatever veggie side comes in our Blue Apron meal. Were all of you dutifully preparing fruits and veggies at every meal and offering them to your kids? I haven’t had the bandwidth to do this up until now, and now my kid only eats carbs and dairy and it’s my fault.
busybee says
Hi yes I dutifully incorporate fruits and veggies with every meal and my 2.5 year old sees us eating veggies and fruits all the time. She refuses them anyway.
Spirograph says
lol, this.
My kids will eat fruits and veggies, they just have strong opinions about which ones. DH and I eat a variety, and then I just keep cucumber and pepper slices on hand for when any of the kids refuses whatever is intended to accompany dinner.
Anonymous says
lol so true.
I have a rotation of both frozen veggies (corn, broccoli) and fresh (carrots, bell peppers) that I include in lunch and at dinners, tho they will often only eat it if served at lunch. Fruit has always been big in our house with berries, pears, apples and bananas regularly in the rotation. This is not kidseatincolor approved, but we do tell them they have to eat their dinner to get dessert, and it does work.
Have some hope – my 6yo went through a real picky phase and he cleans his plate every night without drama. He would still chose mac and cheese for every meal if given the chance, but he does branch out more now.
Anon says
it is not your fault that your kid only eats carbs. many kids who are offered fruit and veggies still prefer carbs and dairy. we try to serve fruit and veggie to kiddo with most meals, but this can mean a cut up apple or a cut up cucumber. you don’t need to do any fancy preparation, raw is totally fine and great. can also use frozen veggies and quickly heat up a small amount.
Anonymous says
Cucumber is the unsung hero of kid meals. I know it’s mostly water, but at least it’s green. Also cherry tomatoes (sliced up) are surprisingly popular. Start with fruit every day/every meal, and then put easy veggies on the plate for everyone (baby carrots, uncooked cherry tomatoes etc). Even if they’re not eaten at first, they go on the plate. We also try to make meals that just have veggies in them, pasta with veggie/sauce on the side, tofu stir fry, uncooked, unsauced veggies for kiddo, sauce/cooked for parents. You can add a floret of broccoli to the plate. If it doesn’t get eaten it was still there for the kid to get used to.
Anon says
My husband and I eat roasted veggies with virtually all of our homecooked meals – it’s very simple and easy to prepare. But it hasn’t changed the fact that our kid is picky and still refuses them. You should eat vegetables for your own health, but it’s not your fault that your kid is picky.
Anon says
Your kid won’t eat bananas or berries? Thin apple slices? Try starting there. Next introduce sweet starchy veggies like corn, potatoes, sweet potatoes. My picky kids will eat cucumber slices or baby carrots with ranch. Also try veggies covered in cheese, like spaghetti squash with lots of Parmesan cheese and butter. You can also try having your son help you prep veggies – my 3YO likes to use his plastic knife and help me cut at the kitchen counter. Occasionally he’ll try a bite of something on his own without my prompting (but he’s still very, very picky at eating veggies).
My husband and I are really good at eating a wide variety of vegetables and fruits (I serve at least 2 veggies with each dinner). I always put a piece of each veggie on my kids plates. Occasionally they’ll try it, usually spit it out, but most of the time they just reject it all together. I think continued exposure is the only way to increase acceptance of veggies over time.
You can also try following Kids Eat in Color – she has some good suggestion and courses for picky eaters.
My pediatrician always said as long as they’re getting a multivitamin and will eat some fruit, they’re still getting most of the vitamins they need.
Anonymous says
I find roasting the easiest way to get veggies on the table. Roasting avoids that last-minute rush to prepare vegetables on the stovetop while you are finishing up the main dish. I toss broccoli, carrots, asparagus, or broccolini in avocado oil, kosher salt, and pepper and roast at 425 degrees for about 18 minutes. For asparagus I like to melt some shredded parmesan on top, and ranch dressing makes an excellent drizzle or drip for broccoli. I also like to toss cubed sweet potatoes with avocado oil and spices (Lawry’s seasoned salt is easy, or you can find recipes on line with various combinations of seasonings) and roast for 35 minutes at 450 degrees. Flip veggies a couple of times during roasting.
If you are feeling more ambitious there are some good recipes on line for baked zucchini “fries” coated with panko or almond flour (for GF/low-carb adults) and parmesan.
For slightly older kids bagged salads are also super easy.
For fruit, I buy precut or wash it and cut it up as soon as I get it home. If I buy a watermelon and stick the whole thing in the fridge I am never going to have the energy to haul it out and cut it up. If it’s already prepped, you can just pull out the container and serve the fruit alongside breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Pears, apples, and oranges are easy to slice up just before serving.
An.On. says
The key is making it super easy for us to pull out and put on the table in front of them, so that means one or more of the pint sized packages of small fruit (blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, strawberries) or a bag of large fruit (plums, apples, bananas, oranges) that can be cut up easily, for fruit, and then for veggies the steamer bags of diced vegetables in the winter and the pre-cut cold veggies trays in the summer, and we’ll offer those first if kid is looking for a snack. Right now our kid is in the era of wanting whatever mom and dad have, so it helps a lot if we eat it first or just put it out for everyone to have some. Of course last night their dinner was a hot dog and two slices of havarti cheese.
Vicky Austin says
+1 to make it easy for yourself to offer, that makes a huge difference!
Anon says
Fruits are often an easy win with kids, if you get in the habit of buying them. Serve one with most meals/snacks. Right now in winter, mandarin oranges are good, or sliced apples with cinnamon, or sliced banana with pb and a chocolate chip on top of each slice. As it gets warmer, berries become more affordable (most kids can put away a whole carton of blueberries in one sitting) and then watermelon (cube to so it’s easy to scoop out in a bowl). Grapes are also popular, but pricey.
Vegetables are hit or miss. We do serve them with every meal, but so far the biggest hit is raw carrot slices with ranch dressing lol.
Vicky Austin says
I really don’t think it’s your fault. DS is only 11 months and has to be wheedled into anything green, blue or red, but considers rice, pasta and sweet potatoes to be actual nectar of the gods. (In case I had any doubts about who his father might be, heh – DH is a carb monster.) I thought pickiness would emerge much later, but I guess he is who he is.
Anonymous says
Yes, we have fruit and veggies (or at least one of those) at every meal, but at 3, so much of it depends on the kid, the phase of the moon, planetary alignment, I don’t know. Last night, my 3.5-yo refused baked ziti because it “looked different,” but she ate fistfuls of salad (no dressing per her request). Other nights, she’ll look at a piece of lettuce and say, “What’s this green thing?”
Anonymous says
We serve fruit with every meal and vegetables at dinner. Our fruit rotation includes berries of all kinds, banana, grapes, apples, kiwi, oranges, and grapefruit. Frozen mango is great for dessert. I try to mix it up so that the kids get different fruit at every meal.
For vegetables, we do a mix of veggies served on the side (for example cucumbers that I take out of our salad) and veggies mixed into the main dish (sometimes secretly–I make a neon green pasta sauce that the kids love out of kale and spinach). The kids don’t always eat the veggies, but I know their preferences and plan around them so that they actually eat veggies at least once a week.
If I were you, I would experiment with not just different fruits and veggies, but also different ways to serve them. DS might not like banana on its own, but he might like it on peanut butter toast. Or maybe he’d like to assemble his own fruit parfait, if you give him the ingredients. Interactive food is always a big hit in our house.
Above all, though, this is something you need to solve for yourself, too. Ultimately kids learn by example, and if you’re not eating these foods, they won’t either.
Anon says
Is DS in daycare/preschool? My kid won’t eat the veggies we prepare at home but will clear her plate of veggies at daycare/preschool. We have served fruit and veggies since we started solids, but my 5 year old is constantly changing her preferences. Kids Eat in Color is a good source for ideas for picky eaters. I have issues with her for other reasons, but she’s not wrong with a lot of her stuff. Make veggies and fruits fun. I’d start with veggies/fruits that you and your husband like and then branch out into new things. Keep in mind that fruits and veggies can be hard to like. Each bite can be different (one blueberry is perfectly firm and sweet, the next is mushy, the next is very tart) and that can be off putting to kids. I’d also buy small amounts and things that are in season so you aren’t worrying about waste and expense at the same time.
Anonymous says
+1 to daycare/preschool peer pressure. My kid will only eat black beans if the cook at her preschool makes them. The cook’s secret? She opens a can and heats them up, LOL.
Also, keep in mind that kids that age often front load their calories for the day, plus they’re usually pretty tired in the evening after a long day of daycare/preschool. My kid’s teachers says she’s clearing her plate and having seconds at most meals and snacks, so I’m not worried about her only having a couple bites at dinner.
Anon says
I found out just three days ago that my kid will eat corn. She informed me that she misses eating corn from her old daycare. 99.9% certain it was canned corn heated up. But she turns her nose up to all of the corn that we make at home (with seasonings or on the cob).
Anon says
First of all, good on you for wanting to make a change!
I really don’t like the way veggies are often treated as a “side” in the traditional American way. Growing up in a mostly vegetarian household, veggies were a part of all of our meals – like if we were eating pasta, it had veggies in it. I try to do the same – just make sure veggies are part of every “main”.
Of course, as their mother before them, my kids often eat around it, pick it out, or complain. Fruit is a side at every meal 99% of the time – exceptions of course when we’re waiting for a grocery order or the times when Mom simply cannot.
anon says
+1 that including veggies as part of the main meal is a great way to go. My technique for when my kids wouldn’t eat certain dishes like curries or a stir-fry was to add a whole can of pineapple chunks, juice and all. The sweetness made it more appealing. I slowly stepped down to less juice, just the pineapple, less pineapple to the point where pineapple is totally optional.
Frozen or precut veggies make it much easier to toss in veggies if all the time chopping is a barrier.
Anonymous says
+1 to adding something to make the veggies sweeter. I also used canned pineapple or do things like put extra honey in my homemade peanut sauce (and have been gradually decreasing that amount), or use a sweeter teriyaki sauce (also have been gradually making it less sweet).
Clementine says
We’re a big fruit/veggie family. Here are some of my ‘tips’.
– We have a fruit bowl in the kitchen. It stays stocked. You physically see it and it’s an easy way to remember to eat fruits.
– I slice up a bunch of raw veggies a couple times a week and keep them in the fridge. Easy to pull out as a snack or grab some for myself. They never get wasted because I just throw them in with whatever dinner I’m making later.
– We do a lot of chopped salads. My kids love salad and I found that with little kiddos, chopping it made it easier for them to eat. We also do lettuce in dip/hummus as an easy way to introduce ‘salad’.
– I offer the veggie while they’re waiting for dinner to be ready. I put out those raw veggies or even the salad from dinner, call it ‘appetizer’ and let them eat veggies.
Finally, I stopped worrying about what I ‘should’ be doing. My kids love plain, steamed broccoli so I just… buy a lot of frozen broccoli. My kids love iceberg and actually like to eat off the head like an apple. I stopped fighting it and now we keep a dedicated ‘snacking lettuce’ in the fridge. I don’t worry if my fruit salad is like 2 strawberries, some banana, and some frozen blueberries – it’s big picture that I think about.
Anonymous says
We do roughly a protein, carb and two veggies at each meal then fruit for dessert. DH is European so we’ve adopted the approach of feeding the kids a variation of whatever we’re eating. I grew up very meat and potatoes. Like every instashort that makes fun of white people food. We add olive oil, garlic and salt to basically everything. It does take a bit of planning but this is our list of go to meals that work in like 20 minutes:
-Roast sausages, oven baked fries, roast carrots and steamed broccoli.
-Pasta with a jar of sauce, while water boils, toss baby carrots and half an onion in food processor and stir into sauce.
-Tacos or wraps – ground beef, green onions, salsa, mashed avocado, chopped tomatoes All ingredients on the table and make our own. Help kids if needed but let them pick.
– chili – make the night before and put in the slow cooker in the morning
– Frozen chicken burgers done in oven or on grill with plates of veggie options for toppings.
– omelets with pick your own veggies
– Pancakes with strawberries or blue berries (we call them Bluey pancakes).
– when we do take out I often chop a cucumber and some tomatoes and/or peppers and put them in the middle of the table for kids to pick at while DH gets the food.
Eat it yourself and gleefully and kids will pick up on your spirit of exploration. Vegetables aren’t just the foods – it’s how you prepare them. I LOVE broccoli roasted with olive oil but one of our kids hates that even though he will eat it raw all day long. I thought I hated asparagus until DH started grilling it on the BBQ. Kids like different things. One kid loves carrots but hates tomatoes, 2/3 love avocado toast, it’s a mish mash. I aim for one veggie that each kid likes at each meal.
When expanding palates, I take what I call the Disney approach – we theme it off whatever movie we’re watching that weekend. So like I made ratatouille after we watched the movie and Hawaiian pizza after we watched Moana. We’re not otherwise a big Disney family – Took the kids once when the youngest was 3 and the main thing he remembers is Dad doing a handstand in the pool.
Shapes are also great. Small pile of nuts on the middle of a plate on top of a dollop of PB and fan the apples slices around it to make a flower. Easy dessert is microwave 4 cups of frozen mango for like 60 seconds, toss in food processor until smoothish, and scoop with ice cream scoop for mango ‘ice cream’
My go to items are bags of apples, mandarins, cherry tomatoes, and frozen fruit and frozen broccoli from Costco. Fridge also has jars of olives and artichokes if I want to do a quick antipasti kind of thing while I’m cooking.
And just marketing. I was once short on veggies and needed to make soup for lunch so I tossed in a couple cups of frozen corn with the pasta and told the kids it was ‘star soup’.
Anonymous says
Kid 1 (10)- she eats foods that contain veggies. Eg. Chicken pot pie, chicken with masala sauce and peas mixed in, veggie heavy lasagna, veggie heavy omlettes, bean and veg heavy turkey chili, spinach in the sauce of her pasta, etc. tacos with corn and beans.
Kid 2 (8) is a fruit and veggie monster. I put a tray of fruit/veg in front of her and she demolishes it. Cucumbers, broccoli, carrots, corn, fresh peas, raw peppers. She also likes hummus for dip but does not need it. This child does not like cooked veggies other than corn unless heavily masked. She also prefers fruit to cookies/sweets. Her favorite lunch is a flour tortilla, hummus, thinly sliced cucumbers, shredded carrots and deli Turkey, sliced into 4 “pinwheels” and held together with a toothpick. She claims to have invented this.
Kid 3 (6) is a combo of 1 and 2. She will happily eat veggies. We often easily sell her on fruit with a tiny bit of whipped cream for dessert.
We offer fruit very morning for breakfast. We also cook our weekly taco meat with 50/50 riced cauliflower and the kids didn’t believe me when I told them.
When the kids get home from school I always try and have fruit and veg out for grabs. Today it’ll be grapes and carrots & hummus. After they eat that (or not) they can have another snack (usually Carb-y).
Anonymous says
Yes. We eat fruits and veg at every meal (usually not veg at breakfast unless it’s eggs). I LOOOOOOVE fruit and so we always serve it. We just buy what is in season and cut it up or, in winter, frozen fruit or occasionally canned, when we need a break from oranges and storage apples. Fruit is where I get a lot of joy and I enjoy passing that on to my kids!! We go a little overboard in summer. Veggies are a also delicious and we serve them always- but that can be a sliced cucumber, doesn’t have to be anything fancy. Even so with several times a day exposure from age 5 months on, I have one kid who just doesn’t eat a lot in the veggie department. Finally now age 5 he will eat broccoli with lemon juice and take bites of peas, raw carrots, raw peppers, and cukes (but not finish). So… exposure is not the magic ticket.
If you’re just starting out I highly recommend frozen berries, even just served frozen.
Anon says
We do eat fruits/vegetables at every meal. If you’re eating the veggie sides from Blue Apron, that counts! My kid is younger so I don’t want to sound sanctimonious because I’m sure we’ll hit a picky eating phase, but so far she eats a ton of fruits and some veggies. She will only eat cooked green veggies like kale or spinach if it’s incorporated into something else that’s yummy (omelet, pasta). She will munch on some raw veg like cucumber sticks and cherry tomatoes, especially if there is a fun dip. She likes beans in burritos or quesadillas. We often serve fruit for desert and snacks. But she’s definitely fond of carbs and dairy – pretty sure that’s normal! I would start slow and work on exposure, buy a few things you like and model eating them regularly.
Anon says
If it makes you feel any better, I’m a vegetarian, eat tons of veggies, have an extensive vegetable garden, grown my own fruit, belong to a CSA which features a lot of U-Pick, and I think I’m a good cook, but my kids still don’t really eat veggies. They will plant them, pick them, shop for them in the store, collect and pick them from the farm, and help wash and prepare them, but eat them? Nope. I have dutifully done this for years to no avail.
They do at least really love fruit. I’d start there, since it’s the most accessible. Pack some berries in their lunch or put them out with breakfast.
Anony says
I serve fruit with every meal because my kid loves it but veggies he is all over the board. The “normal” veggies kids like he doesn’t eat, but give that kid tomatoes, raw broccoli, or an avocado and he will devour them. Won’t eat most meat but will eat an entire salmon filet. Likes a boiled egg but not scrambled eggs with cheese.
Kids are weird.
Some days he will eat a proper main dish. Some days all I can do is get some pasta and an apple slice in him.
Anonymous says
My 8 year old chose “running in races” as her spring sport- she’s signed up for a series of 6 weekend races. Her distance is half a mile.
She’s very muscular (she’s done lots of gymnastics and swimming in the past, also has quads of steel from idk what!) but has no cardio stamina. She wants to practice in advance of the first race in April. Ideas on how to help her build stamina? Adult programs aren’t appropriate.
Anon says
My serious runner husband says intervals are the best way to build cardio stamina. Start with a distance just a smidge beyond what she can currently sprint and then gradually increase it.
Anonymous says
This. Run-walk intervals are the way.
Anonymous says
That’s what I was thinking, though I wasn’t sure if she should be sprinting or more like jogging at the half mile for an 8 y/o. My sense is a goal of doing that in 4 minutes is a good one, we are going to do a baseline after school today.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t expect an 8-year-old who does not have a ton of natural endurance and hasn’t been training to be able to finish an 800 without walking.
Anonymous says
She has 5-6 weeks before the first race and wants to train, which is why I’m asking…4 min would be the goal (if that’s an appropriate goal).
Anonymous says
No, I mean I wouldn’t expect her to run the whole thing for a baseline today.
NYCer says
I think 4 minutes for a half mile is pretty fast for an8 year old with no running experience tbh. I wouldn’t set a time goal, just a finishing goal initially.
Anon says
Yeah 4 minutes seems pretty fast to me! I’m not sure how exactly a half mile time breaks down in relation to a mile time, but at that age I think an 11-12 minute mile is much more common than an 8 minute one. I wouldn’t set a time goal either, personally.
Anonymous says
OP here and to clarify, *she* wants a goal. My goal is to get her outside moving around. She is excited about the idea of the race and wants to “train” and wants to make a little checklist etc.
I got the 4 minute half mile from the old presidential fitness exam- idk if you guys did but I did it in elem/high school. The 50th percentile for 8 year old girls running a half mile is 4:22 and 85% is 3:58. I was not an athletic kid but I always beat the guidelines in school.
FWIW on that same sheet the guideline for an 8 y/o girl doing a full mile is ~12 min and ~10 min (50% and 86%).
I’ll see what she does today! Mostly, I want her to be realistic and not get hurt, but also feel challenged.
Anonymous says
I think her goal should really be based on where she’s starting with fitness, and it should probably change over the course of the season.
Anon says
The definition of 50th percentile is half the people don’t run it in that time, so no, people don’t “always” beat that number. I certainly never did.
Anonymous says
I would check your YMCA, elementary school, etc. for kids’ running programs that might be fun. Our elementary school has a running club where they come once a week before school and run and walk around the track together. The Y has a cross-country program in the fall and maybe a track program in the spring.
Anonymous says
I’m the OP and our elem used to have girls on the run. This kiddo is in 2nd and if she loves it this spring I have already found another parent to coach GOTR with me next year at the school. But we don’t have it right now and even if we did, she’s too young.
anon says
If you can connect her with other kids, playing tag is basically informal HIIT.
Anon says
Does she like to jump rope? Aim for a 30-second interval to start, gradually build up to jumping rope for a 3-minute round. It’s like magic for stamina, and it’s fun! Pick a couple of short songs and try to jump rope for the whole song. There’s a reason that boxers jump rope to prep for a fight.
tips for motion sickness and rides says
We’re going to disneyworld soon and have one kid who sometimes gets motion sick (and for that matter I do!) Have any of you brought a kid to disney world and given dramamine or a wrist band or similar to combat this? I don’t want nausea to ruin a day for her. She’s actually usually pretty good in the car until she starts reading, but I imagine some of these rides might be tricky…
anon says
The wristbands very did a thing for me, although I know some people say they do work.
A very filling but light breakfast might help–I often have biscuits and gravy before a windy road trip, although I have no idea why it helps.
anon says
Avoid the teacups or similar spinny rides, they are much worse than a rollercoaster!
Anon says
+1
Although I will say I have a kid who has barfed in cars, boats, planes and trains but had no issue on tea cup rides and small roller coasters including one that made me feel kind of sick, and I never get seasick. I think there’s a randomness to it. Or maybe they don’t get as sick when they’re having fun, lol.
Lise says
We haven’t tried it for amusement park rides, but non-drowsy Benadryl seems to work really well for my child who can be prone to motion sickness in the car.
Anon says
Dramamine can cause drowsiness and that would ruin a day, too! I’d just avoid the spinny rides like Tea Cups.
Anonymous says
Why do I do this to myself? Whyyy?? PSA on 3 kids. If you tell them they have to play a sport/have an active activity, you will end up with the following:
Fall: soccer (kid 1), soccer (kid 2), softball team (kid 3), softball clinic (kid 3) volleyball clinic (kid 3).
Winter: family skiing, softball clinic (kid 3), basketball team (kid 3), weekend basketball (kids 1&2)
Spring: soccer and soccer clinic (kid 1), gymja class (kid 2), 6 weekend races (kid 1 &2), softball team (kid 3), lacrosse team (kid 3)
Summer: swim team (kids 1&2), softball league (kid 3), tennis team (kid 3).
Also, there is dance class, acting class, math club, piano lessons, coding class and Girl Scouts in the mix.
Why can’t they all just pick the same sport year round?? ;)
anon says
Girl, I don’t know how you’re managing all that.
Anon says
Same! I’m exhausted just reading this. I’m amazed you can even fit all of this in schedule-wise. I have one kid who does less than any one of your kids (but still a lot, imo!) and we run into literal scheduling conflicts all the time, especially when classes or practices are canceled and need to have a makeup, because she invariably has a different activity during the makeup. She’s still at the rec level so they just have to deal with her absence, but I imagine a competition team wouldn’t be so forgiving?
Anonymous says
Careful what you wish for! Mine did the same sport year-round for 16 hours a week. It gets old fast.
Anonymous says
OP here, and I’ve considered this. My oldest basically really does softball year round but it’s in little one week clinics in winter, and just rec in spring. Summer and fall is travel but not club.
My middle has taken to swimming and that season is soooooo long. For now we are sticking with summers only!
Anonymous says
ha, preach. We did have all 3 in the same sport this winter…but it was ice hockey (on top of ballet and karate for the younger two, and oldest was on the travel team) so that takes the same amount of time as two sports and the amount of equipment of 5 normal sports. At least the younger two were on the same team, and their practices shared ice with one of the older kid’s practices, which significantly helped logistics. Weekend games, though…
For spring, we have
Kid 1: ice hockey clinics (once a week til ’24-’25 tryouts in late April), soccer team (2x/week+weekend games)
Kid 2: Ballet (2x/week), after-school chorus, before-school Girls on the Run (2x/week)
Kid 3: Karate (2x/week)
Kid 3 ditched baseball, though, so big scheduling win there! We de-schedule in the summer (they get plenty of activity at camp and the pool) so I just have to make it through May.
Anonymous says
Op here and hockey is the trump card. One of my kids is BFFs with a hickey family and that ish goes august-June around here!! And is stinky and the rinks are cold.
Anonymous says
Yeah, it is a long season! Winter season for the travel team started practicing in mid-august, and their championship tournament was the last weekend of Feb. Many, many travel team kids tack on the spring league that goes through May, but my son wants to try soccer and DH and I both a.) support multi-sport development for lots of reasons, and b.) need a break after the intense schedule for the last several months. He’s still doing clinics and probably a hockey camp over the summer (an ice rink on a hot summer day feels great!), but we had zero hockey this past weekend and it felt like a vacation!
Anon says
Ha you forgot the operative clause “one activity per kid per season.” I have three, soon to be four, and I’m sure navigating all this will be a doozy someday!
Anonymous says
But that doesn’t work…because if you want to be decent after like 3rd grade, you have to do clinics or whatever else (or club…but we don’t!) in the off-season. I just got an email for a bball camp this summer that I’m positive my daughter will want to do, on top of tennis and softball.
Anonymous says
No, you don’t. This is how 11 year olds end up tearing their ACLs which should NEVER happen. They need time to rest and recover and do other activities. You’re the parent, you can say no.
Anon says
Agreed.
Anonymous says
I used to think that way but when you’re in the thick of it and your kids are registered for cub scouts and one sport each and then one of them begs to learn flute, it’s kinda hard to say no. And then their sibling wants to take a drawing class and suddenly you’re at three activities each. We try to cap at 3-4 per kid and then work the schedule so drop off activities mean I can drop one kid at swim, then the other at flute, then pick up swim kid then pick up music kid. Or use the time that one kid is at an activity for DH and I to get turns with one on one time with the other.
Clementine says
Hah! I posted about laughing at my past self earlier this week and now apparently we have a lacrosse clinic this weekend? Oh, and I won’t know when games are until Thursday night so… apparently weekends are just… Lacrosse/soccer until June?
I would still take kiddo outside with his lacrosse stick practicing passing/shooting for an hour and a half the other evening over ‘can I PLLLEEAAASE have some screen time’.
Anonymous says
I feel this so much. We benefitted from having the twins in the same activity at the same time for a long time so close to a 2 kid family schedule but they are exploring new individual activities this year and the scheduling logistics are killing me but like how do you pick which kid and which activity to say no to? I miss the 9-5 daycare days.
Anon says
My child had pink eye in both eyes starting on Friday. We kept her home from daycare on Monday and by Monday night the redness was all gone. We sent her to daycare this morning, and she was sent back home after lunch because her eyes were swollen and watery. Her teacher said she had been fussy and crying a bit. The school director said she cannot return until Thursday at the earliest (and they are closed Friday for professional development). Child was sleeping when I picked her up so I’m not sure how bad her eyes actually are. I am pissed – this seems like a weak reason to send her home. AITA, am I being unreasonable? This seems excessive to me.
Anon says
Is she on antibiotics? The normal rule is 24 hours after you’ve started antibiotics you shouldn’t be contagious. If it’s viral and she’s still symptomatic (and swollen/watery eyes is symptomatic), then it doesn’t seem so unreasonable to me.
DLC says
Did you take child to the pediatrician and get antibiotics? Our school requires a doctor’s note for pink eye. We’ve had pink eye several times in our family and it really spreads quickly among us.
Anon says
Yah, unfortunately even though most pink eye is viral, and most cases of bacterial also quickly clear up on their own, school requires drops and a doctors note. I hate the overuse of antibiotics and this grinds my gears, but I have to play the game.
Anon says
Ours lets them attend as long as they’re taking eyedrops and seem ok.
OP says
Thanks for the replies! I had not taken her to a dr since it cleared up on it own. Headed to the drive-up clinic after work. Feeling less pissed, but still generally upset and stressed at the situation.