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I’m always on the hunt for gifts for mom-to-be friends. This maternity/nursing sleep set is just what I’m looking for.
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This sleep set is $99 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS–XL.
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- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
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- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
Unnecessary baby gear says
I’m a first-time mom, with our baby due in three weeks’ time. I am getting a bit overwhelmed by all the gear recommendations from friends. Do we really need this much stuff? Our place is fairly small, and it is already running over with baby things. Could you all share what you could not live without, and what you wish you had not bought or been gifted?
Anon Elder Millennial says
You need diapers, wipes, blankets, a car seat, somewhere for the baby to sleep, and some onesies and hats. You need bottles, formula, and a bottle brush if you are bottle feeding. These can be purchased at any supermarket or pharmacy (or target etc) if you try breastfeeding and it doesn’t work.
You should probably have a thermometer and nose suction thing on hand, but frankly if your baby has a fever you will know. Diaper rash cream and baby lotion is also nice to have on hand before you need it.
Somewhere to put the baby down in your main living space is useful, if the baby will sleep somewhere in something you can’t move around throughout the day (like a crib). A portable changing pad is useful — you can also use it at home or change the baby on a towel. One of those baby holding sponge things is useful, or you can bathe the baby on a folded hand towel in the kitchen sink. A stroller is useful if you live somewhere where you walk more than drive.
Everything else is ENTIRELY optional and baby- and family- dependent. The stores won’t cease to exist once the baby is born — anything you find yourself needing, you can buy once you realize you need it. You will find things that you love and can’t live without, but no one can tell you what they will be before the baby gets here.
go for it says
waste:
diaper genie
stroller that was to hard to collapse
another stroller that was heavy
could not live without:
sling (baby wearing mom)
rubber backed flannel pads for crib- many less sheet washes
Anony says
A swing was probably the biggest item physically that we didn’t really need. Kid was content in his bouncy seat.
The rest really depends on lifestyle. Strollers are bulky but if you use one a lot it’s worth it.
Clementine says
(Cracks knuckles). So I’ve had literally a dozen+ kids. I’ve been a foster parent and am also a biological parent. When my first was born, I had a whole pregnancy’s worth of notice. I agonized and researched over what we needed. Do I need freezer meals? Do I need to make sure I have everything I could possibly need?
Well. I was fine. And then we have had newborn babies come live with us with no warning. Here’s what I think you really need from day 1: diapers (but you can steal from the hospital), a car seat, a handful of swaddle blankets and sleep sacks, a good thermometer. You need a place for the baby to sleep safely, a way to feed the baby and a subscription to some good streaming services because with your first you really have a lot of time just chilling. I would suggest adding some type of a baby wearing device and a stroller but really – unless you’re living in a super isolated area, Amazon/Target Drive up/hand me downs from friends are going to be able to fill any gaps.
anon says
Agreed. We’ve had 3 foster babies in the last 6 months and the things we keep on hand as the bare necessities are: carseat, crib with spare sheets, sleepsack/swaddle, changing pad, bottles and bottle brush, diapers, clothes. Having a way to wear the baby (carrier, wrap, ring sling) and a stroller are also great.
Anonymous says
I do think you need quite a bit more stuff for a biological child than for a foster baby because with a bio baby you are most likely BFing and/or pumping and are recovering from childbirth.
Anon says
I feel like you need LESS stuff if you’re breastfeeding – you don’t have to use bottles or formula or formula mixers, or at least you don’t have to worry about any of that stuff until your return-to-work date is looming with is usually at least a couple months after you give birth.
I also don’t really understand the comment about recovery – with 2 day Amazon and Target delivery, you don’t have to move from your bed or chair to order anything.
Anonymous says
I needed a lot more stuff for BFing than I would have for formula-feeding–nursing pillow, pump, pump parts, sterilizing bags, nursing pads, plus bottles and all that goes along with bottle-feeding. Feeding issues that require pumping are very, very common; I get the impression that it’s a very small minority of babies and moms who can get by without pumping and/or supplementing in the early weeks. I also needed a few personal care items for postpartum recovery.
Anonymous says
And sometimes you combo feed, so you need all the stuff! Buy twice as many bottles as you planned. Washing bottles is such a slog and will become your life.
Anon2 says
You need absolutely nothing other than a place for the baby to sleep and a car seat. After that, a stroller is nice, and a baby carrier if you want to baby wear, and a dedicated place to change the baby/hold supplies. A blanket on the floor and a basket of toys works just as well as a fancy gym. Baby can be bathed in the big tub, laying on a towel with an inch of water. And truly, there’s a lot of research saying that baby containers aren’t great for extended use, or put pressure on babies hips/legs in inappropriate ways, so you can stay minimal on that. We have one bouncy seat that can move around the house, and a pack n play where baby can be contained when I need free hands.
I’m about to have my fourth baby and I have shed gear with every one. We had lots of contraptions with the first but they truly aren’t necessary. And what works for one mom and baby may be a total failure for another, so take all the recommendations with a grain of salt
Betsy says
I am also due soon and my baby registry is a lot smaller than most I’ve seen! I just keep reminding myself that the internet exists and I can order any gear we end up feeling like we need, we don’t need to have every possible item ready to go. I think these last few weeks of pregnancy there’s so much anticipation for what is to come but there isn’t actually much more you can do to prepare for parenting, so it gets tempting to fill that void with shopping. I’m trying hard to resist!
Emma says
I would buy as you go along. My baby was early and I was really freaked out because I didn’t own ALL the things yet. Turns out I should have gotten a lot less, plus we got a lot of gifts once the baby was born. And unless you live in the middle of nowhere with no Amazon delivery, it’s pretty easy to buy things as the need arises.
Here are some things that were useful to me in the early days: a decent amount of zipper PJs in sizes NB, 1m and 3m. At that age I wouldn’t bother with fancy outfits except if you want a special going home or other occasion outfit. A car seat with stroller attachment. We had the Uppababy Vista and also liked the bassinet on the stroller, but it’s probably not a necessity especially if you are mostly driving places. A bassinet (some people go straight to crib but our co-sleeper bassinet next to my bed really helped us). If you plan on breastfeeding, some Lasinoh cream and possibly nipple shields (these are apparently controversial but they were a lifesaver for me when my baby wouldn’t latch and I was ridiculously sore. We then moved on to not using them without any issues). No advice on bottle feedings since we didn’t do that until later, but I did have a few bottles around just in case. A couple different pacifiers (though mine never wanted any of them). Have a few swaddle blankets, but don’t go crazy because our baby hated them all except the Love to Dream, and this is super baby-specific. Also we were given a bunch of baby blankets once she was born. Diapers, wipes and diaper rash cream. In the early days you don’t need toys or stuffies, or anything like that, and again you are likely to get a lot as gifts. I liked having a safe place to put down the baby in every room (playmat, dock a tot, lounger, swing, pack N play, whatever works for you… she only napped in the bassinet or pack and play but it was nice to put her down for a second to make a coffee or whatever). And some kind of wrap/sling/carrier. I wasn’t a huge wrap person later on but we did use it a lot in the early days and it’s nice to have your two hands when your newborn is being a velcro baby all day. I regret buying a bulky diaper bag and never used it, but it came with a changing pad and I used that all the time (just tossed it into a lightweight fabric tote).
TheElms says
I am also a fan of the zipper pjs. The Target ones are really good for the price. I realized fast that I don’t actually like dressing squirmy little babies in “cute” outfits but I did wish I had cuter zipper pjs. So for me, it would have been worth it to spend fractionally more and have cute zipper pjs (onesies after 3 months or when it got hot) since that’s what my babies wore for the first 6 months of their lives.
Clementine says
Another fan of the target ones. The ‘little cloud’ brand zips from the bottom… so that means you don’t need to strip down bebe fully in order to change them.
Vicky Austin says
Cloud Island is the Target brand, I think. Carters zipper PJs are good too. My ILs gave us a pair of Gunamuna pajamas that DS came home from the hospital in and they have a very cool zipper for diaper changes too. Plus the Gunamuna ones are hella soft.
Anonymous says
I remember thinking that I had to buy everything I would need for the entire first year before the baby arrived because I would never be able to leave the house again. Once I realized I really only needed to be able to get through the first couple of weeks it became less overwhelming. Now that you can get same-day curbside pickup or delivery from Target and Walmart it’s even easier. For example, it will be several months before you can possibly use a high chair or an exersaucer. In the early weeks a bucket car seat and a snap n go stroller frame are all the stroller you really need and are easier to wrangle than a big stroller.
Don’t skimp on convenience. For example, my husband was opposed to buying a $10 bottle warmer and we were doing the dreaded triple feed, so I had to run bottles under the faucet in the middle of the night. When I finally insisted on buying a bottle warmer it was a game-changer. Get at least two bouncy seats or other safe baby containers so you don’t have to lug one around the house. I had one in the kitchen and one in the primary bathroom so I had a place to park the baby while I took a shower or went to the bathroom. Multiple sets of pump parts and the microwave sterilizing bags were key.
For baby carriers, try before you buy, either by borrowing from friends or in the store. Carrier preferences for parents and babies are so individual. Each parent may prefer a different style or need a different size, and different styles work better at different stages of development.
One possibly surprising thing I did need a lot of was adult linens. I had to sleep on a beach towel with a hand towel over my pillow because of the night sweats, and I had to change those towels a few times each night. If you ever feed or hold the baby in bed a spare duvet cover is nice to have, in addition to extra sheets and pillowcases. You might also want a waterproof mattress pad on your bed, or at least large waterproof pads you can slip under the fitted sheet. I also put large washable throw blankets over my armchair and couch.
TheElms says
I REALLY appreciated having a bouncy seat in the main bathroom. It was a total nice to have but it made showering so much easier to be able to put baby down and face her towards me. She tended to stay happier that way as well.
Anon says
I have a 3 month old. And the swing is the biggest bulky thing that I questioned buying again as a second time mom. I’m glad we did buy one, we use ours a lot. I also made sure to buy a swing that is both a bouncer and a swing. For a small space, it’s really handy to have something that can be dual purpose. I bought ours used off of facebook marketplace knowing that it’s got a short shelf life.
Other thing I would highly recommend, if you plan on breastfeeding/nursing, buy a “My Brest Friend” Pillow (not a boppy). It’s easily the most used baby item we have.
Anonymous says
+1 My Brest Friend pillow was great. (Loved my Boppy for supporting my elbows while baby slept on me, though!)
Anonymous says
In the first few months, lots of little thin wash cloths to keep on the changing table. We had Gerber baby ones that were perfect. We had a boy and I’d throw one on him to avoid the firehose!! Also, our other must have was the baby bjorn bouncer. Folds flat and is lightweight so could move room to room. We used it in the bathroom a lot to have a secure place for baby while we showered, we brought it to friends houses or grand parent houses so we knew there would be a good, secure place to put the baby down.
The last item is the my brest friend” nursing pillow with the waterproof cover. This was so much more supportive to me than the boppy for breast feeding.
Vicky Austin says
+1 to the washcloths – my #1 shopping item for our next baby!
If you don’t want to pay for the Baby Bjorn bouncer we had a very similar one from a brand called Baby Delight that worked beautifully.
Anonymous says
In these modern times you can order whatever you need to arrive in 2-3 days max, so I would focus on clothes, bassinet/crib, car seat (a must to leave the hospital!), stroller (in the early days we just had a frame with wheels that attached to the carseat), wipes and diapers. You can frantically order 3 kinds of bottles in the middle of the night if BFing doesn’t go well. OH I’d also get some large maxi-pads and comfy lounge clothes for yourself, and maybe a nursing bra/pumping bra if you want to pump. And it’s nice to have a big water bottle and some snacks you can eat one-handed.
Anon says
Congrats! You’ll need a carseat and a place for baby to sleep, plus some clothing and diapers, but most of the stuff can simply live at the store until you decide that you need it. Even with shipping, you can get pretty much everything you can imagine in a day or two. We’re living in the future.
Anon says
I’m from a culture where a lot of people don’t register or buy much stuff in advance due to superstition. You can definitely get most things after the baby is here.
A carseat is the most crucial thing to order in advance because it has to be installed and you may want to install it a couple weeks before birth so you can take it to a hospital or fire dept car seat safety event, and have them check the install. We also ordered a Pack N Play and some newborn clothes in advance, and ordered some diapers and wipes from the hospital. Everything else we purchased after we were home with baby.
Anonymous says
I remember expending a lot of effort while heavily pregnant to install the car seat, then being horrified when I took it to the fire department and their standard procedure for safety checks was to uninstall and reinstall. Why couldn’t they have said just to bring the seat loose?
Anon says
Make sure wherever you go has YOU install the seat, with them supervising. Otherwise it’s a giveaway that they haven’t *really* been trained for this, because best practice of CPSTs is that the parent always installs. And tbh a lot of police stations, etc don’t follow best practices
Unnecessary baby gear says
Thank you all! Very helpful. We already have a car seat (but no car!), two strollers (both hand-me-downs), a next-to-me cot, a pack-and-play (also hand-me-down), 6 onesies and a couple of outfits in NB and 0-3 sizes, one Love to Dream swaddle, some muslins, one changing pad, one baby bath (probably a less useful item…), 6 fitted sheets, and several packs of diapers. Sounds like we are all set?
Anon says
That sounds pretty good to me. There will be things you realize you want, but you can order them shipped quickly.
anon says
Really, this. If you or your baby has a favorite thing (e.g., bottle, swaddle, bouncy seat), you can always order another and it will be there quickly. No need to order now. I made a wishlist of recommendations and would shop from there, if needed. All the things you need for older babies can be ordered later.
The only other stuff you may want is bfing or bottle supplies, and a thermometer, snot sucker, diaper cream, nail clippers and baby soap.
Vicky Austin says
I think you are – especially for bigger items that take up space!
TheElms says
I’d probably get a few more onesies or footed sleepers / pjs. Diaper blowouts and spit up happen and its nice not to have to do laundry every day or every other day. If you get a baby with reflux until you get the hang of catching the spit up in a burp cloth you might easily go through 4-6 outfits in a day …
anon says
Yes, this. We go through so many in a day Baby spits up a TON. Though I’d get 0-3 and not newborn. Newborn sizing is a sham imho (unless you’re really, really tiny – but 7lbs + can def just go to 0-3 in my experience).
Clementine says
It sounds like you’re really well set! The only things I would add would be a couple more outfits/sleepers in both 0-3 and 3-6 months. I think having at least 10 in each size is good – some babies ‘leak’ and you end up changing their clothes often so this gets you at least a few days without laundry. I would add a pack of baby/small washcloths for various purposes and then another swaddle sack – I like the halo ones – and a thermometer.
Oh, and the tip for baby nail clippers was a good one! Clean nail file/emery boards too as you can’t clip a newborn’s nails.
Anonymous says
If you are breast feeding, you may find you want some kind of special pillow. My Breast Friend was indeed my bestie, but YMMV. I had a hand me down one from a friend. My son ended up in the NICU for a week so I also ended up needing a pump right away. But you could always rent one from the hospital if needed.
Vicky Austin says
I couldn’t have lived without our wrap carrier. That was honestly it?
I didn’t find I needed the Boppy for nursing much, although it was nice for tummy time or crawling around later. I would have used our little bouncer seat a bit more if I’d known how fast he would grow out of it (we have the Baby Delight one). We got a secondhand swing that honestly wasn’t even worth the secondhand price I paid for it.
I didn’t hate the baby bathtub, but it was clunky and took up a lot of space, so you could totally jettison that and just bathe them in the kitchen sink for now, then sit them up in a laundry basket later. (And you don’t need to bathe them super often.)
Something I wish I’d thought ahead about was the need for a blanket to put down on the floor. We have a dog and our floors are always at least a little bit hairy, so I sometimes bluescreened looking for a place to put the baby down that wasn’t going to get him all hairy (yes, I know I could have just not worried about dog hair, but the postpartum brain is not always rational). The thin little receiving blankets didn’t stay put. We had a few handmade quilts from our childhoods that did the trick instead.
Anon says
I think the kitchen sink is way too nasty to bathe babies in – there are so many bacteria (some of which are pathogenic) from cooking and food. You could bleach it every night, but I don’t want to bathe a baby in bleach either.
Anon says
+1. I just could not bring myself to do the kitchen sink bath.
Vicky Austin says
Good point. Maybe a dishtub that is only used for this (and can go through the dishwasher)?
Anon says
Maybe I’m clueless, but why would a sink be nasty? You clean dishes in there and then put your mouth on them. Plus stainless steel is resistant to growing bacteria.
Anon says
People often rinse chicken in the sink (you’re not supposed to but they do) and pour out the remains of expired milk and so on. Utensils that have touched raw meat often sit in there. Sponges used to clean dishes in there are notoriously nasty. It’s gross.
Anon says
Our baby bathtub was also a scale, but I thought it was one of our most useful items. I know not everyone uses one though.
anon says
What I used most were large washable waterproof pads (aka elder incontinence pads) and an excessive number of soft washable cloths (aka gerber plain cotton diapers) for random stinky messes. I registered for an expensive monitor and nightlight, which I only used a few times. I almost never used the babywearing sling, because kiddo 1 hated it, but I plan to try that again with kiddo 2.
Tell your friends what you really need is a meal-train, or takeout gift cards, or cookies. Breastfeeding was an excuse for me to eat literally dozens of cookies a day.
OOO says
You do not need a bottle sterilizer if you have a dishwasher. Also don’t need nursing covers.
Anonymous says
I found the nursing cover invaluable. The stiff edge keeps it away from the baby’s face and allows you to see what’s going on in a way that a blanket doesn’t. And covering up was a personal need for me.
Anonymous says
+1. One time I didn’t have one and ended up sitting in an NYC park with a blanket over my head, like a ghost costume, trying to feed my infant. It was July. I was very hot but did not want to flash random park people.
Feeling hopeless today says
Morning all. I need some advice and maybe to hear if I’m alone in this? I don’t like to talk about parenting struggles with big kids irl because it’s the kind of thing people will remember. My 9 year old dd still has temper tantrums and will hit and kick her dad and I (she’ll scratch her younger brother too – at which point we immediately remove her from the scene). She’s completely out of control and I end up yelling and having to physically hold her back and it’s… not good. We start out patient and try to get her into her own space but she comes running back to hit us or mess with her brother. we’ve never physically disciplined our kids. At school and friends houses her behavior is exemplary. I spoke to the pediatrician about it and they recommended a neuropsych eval (she has some adhd symptoms too) but I’m feeling hopeless. She knows it’s a problem but in the moment is so out of control that I’m not sure strategies from therapy are going to help. Has anyone gone through something like this?
Anon says
She might be old enough where a child therapist could really help her with direct instruction on coping strategies. Breathing, splashing cold water on her face, going to a quiet room, counting, sensory stuff – I’d try a therapist.
Anon says
Go for the neuropsych eval. My friend’s daughter was exactly like this, and she was eventually diagnosed with ADHD. With medication, therapy, and supportive services, she is much much better.
My own 8 year old is in therapy for different issues, and it’s massively helpful. They focus less on discussing past trauma, and more on understanding feelings and triggers, figuring out coping mechanisms, and how to approach issues in the future (more like CBT). My kid often comes home with coloring worksheets that she likes to put on her bulletin board. I’ve noticed a massive difference. Also, at least in our circles, all the kids who see a therapist talk about it openly like it’s completely no big deal.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Second a full neuropsych eval, where you can discuss some of these issues you’re seeing at home beforehand. My older one had these kinds of reactions in K. He’s always been spirted, extra, etc. I would say he’s gradually gotten better throughout the last two years (now age almost 8), but still has a hard time with transitions. We got the evaluation and also started therapy, which seems to be helping overall. Medication for ADHD might be in our future. So hugs, you’re not alone, and it has nothing to do with you as a parent. My younger kid is a different kid altogether. They need different things.
OP says
Thank you both! What I really need right now is… hope. And it sounds like actually getting this eval scheduled could give me some of that. We mentioned it over the years to the pediatrician but given school didn’t recommend it when asked had always put it off. Now it’s pretty clear she needs help and we do too. And thank you for making me not feel like a bad parent. I honestly am to her sometimes and it KILLS me. I’m separately going to look into therapy for myself but I work full time and have four kids so there’s not much room around the edges – I need to get her sorted first and then I’ll look for my own oxygen mask.
Anonymous says
A lot of kids hold it together at school, or have struggles the school just doesn’t see or care about, and then fall apart at home, so if you know in your gut that an evaluation is warranted don’t listen to the school. Hugs. Even scheduling an appointment for an evaluation can give you hope because you know you are taking action to help your child.
Anon says
My 6.5 son is just like this and we have started the neuropsych eval process, in large part to the encouragement on this board. Sometimes I think things skew a little pearl-clutchy around here, and there is a big range of normal. But, you have to listen to your mom gut and it seems something is telling you that she needs more support.
I also have an 8.5 son who has always been intense and was like this for a while, but we’ve seen definite improvements with age. I think at 9 if you are not noticing marked improvements, and this is happening more than occasionally, you need to escalate and find out if there’s something else going on.
Cb says
No advice, but my son’s bestie has similar tantrums and it is so, so tiring for her and her mum and dad. So sending my support as you navigate this.
OP says
thank you CB!
Anon says
What do your consequences look like for physical violence against family (after the immediate chaos is over)?
OP says
So consequences are she doesn’t get her way (whatever she was tantruming for) and then she generally has to cool down after but it’s hard to enforce time out when she won’t actually go. Given we’re trying to stop the violence at our house, I don’t like the idea of physically carrying her to her room and holding the door closed you know? She doesn’t have an ipad and doesn’t really care about screentime – we can take away her books, but the books are helpful to cool her down. She’s pretty hard to punish actually because her favorite things are playing with her siblings, reading books, and one activity that she pursues pretty seriously that I’m very reluctant to drop. She’s also one of those kids where when you tell her she’s losing a privilege or a possession (taking her watch for a week) will just shrug and tell you she didn’t care about that anyway and give you this aggravating smile. It’s not fun. I welcome other suggestions!
Anonymous says
Mine is similar (boy, just turned 9). I can still physically lift him but it’s getting dangerous to do so while he’s in fight mode so we are moving to consequences and restitution if he won’t go to a safe private space when told to do so. Sometimes that’s losing his daily show, which often works, but as you noted sometimes that’s a big shrug. For the actual hitting we are moving toward needing to do positive things for the family such as larger chores or helping his little brother , as restitution. Once he is not in meltdown mode he doesn’t resist that kind of thing. Negative consequences were just not working at all and actually exacerbating it because he’d get extra anxious on top of giant meltdown. This kid is improving with time- meltdowns are maybe 1x a week instead of twice a day which they were as recently as last summer. We think they are anxiety related. He is in talk therapy which who knows if it helps and we have been working a lot on parenting for anxiety stuff.
OP says
This is a great suggestion – I love the idea of having her help in positive ways! Thank you for suggesting that.
Part of her evaluation is also going to cover anxiety I think. I actually don’t know that she has anxiety – I’m not very anxious but her dad is and he worries about it – but it’s definitely something I want to look into. Interesting you think anxiety is a cause for you.
Thank you for sharing! These messages are all making me feel better.
Anonymous says
We also do positive rewards in the moment. Whenever we see her restraining herself, taking a deep breath, etc we call it out.
“I know this is healed, that was awesome that you stopped to take a breath. Let’s go (put a star on the reward chart.” Sometimes this alone is enough to break the spiral.
Totally agree that negative consequences don’t work. When she’s melting down, all bets are off and it’s a fools errand to punish her.
We had luck removing everyone else from her space. If she’s having a fit, other siblings go on a car ride to (somewhere fun) with mom while dad stays behind with tantrum kid. Or everyone goes outside and she can join when she cools off.
I’m having flashbacks of The Dark Times and wish you the best. My kid has come so far; there is hope!!
Anon says
what is the goal of consequences in your home because i’ve found that for kids like these, in the moment they are too dysregulated to think about the consequence of their actions so consequences don’t really help with preventing or deterring the behavior because it is not a logical thought process
Anonymous says
I agree with the evaluation path. Get her an appointment with a psychologist in the meantime. One who works on emotional regulation issues.
Your daughter is old enough to sit down and discuss what helps her. We often said ‘Mom doesn’t hit Dad, Dad doesn’t hit Mom and we don’t hit you. It’s not okay for you to hit us or your sibling. When you are frustrated you can do XYZ instead’.
One of my kids gets relief by screaming when he is frustrated. We talked with him when he was calm and explained that he cannot scream at people but if he needs to scream to get out his frustrations, then he could use the garage or his room or basement bathroom. Focusing on how he expressed the behavior instead of stopping the behavior was a more realistic immediate goal. He very rarely needs to do it anymore.
For hitting, do you have a boxing punch bag in the garage or something like that? Other friends have also found it helpful to put their kids in karate to give a more directed outlet for managing frustration.
OP says
Interesting. We do talk about it with her. She actually was part of the conversation with the pediatrician where we decided to pursue an evaluation. Her New Years resolution for three years in a row has been to stop throwing tantrums. We both agree she does better with more sleep, but it’s not the magic bullet solution we need either. I like the idea of giving her an activity to get rid of some of that aggressive energy. I don’t want to schedule her more, but maybe getting her in the backyard (possibly punching things!) sounds like a good idea. She tends to end up curled up in a chair reading for hours after these outbursts, but that’s when she’s calming down, not when she’s worked up. I find this stage of parenting very, very hard.
Anonymous says
My easily overwhelmed kid actually does better with lots of structured activities. “Go in the backyard and punch stuff” is too open-ended to be useful for this kid.
Anonymous says
Poor kid and poor mom – this sounds hard for everyone! It sounds like you are all doing the best you can with the resources you have, but you need more help. The good news is, you have a place to start with getting help – get the evaluation. And please don’t put off your own therapy. You may be able to do both at once, especially as so many therapists are now doing virtual sessions. Call your primary care doctor and ask for some recommendations. Hugs to you for dealing with all of this.
Anonymous says
“Her New Years resolution for three years in a row has been to stop throwing tantrums.”
This kind of thing can’t work. She’s can’t just stop. She doesn’t have the skill set as a 6/7/8 year old to emotionally regulated without parental teaching of strategies. She is emotionally dysregulated and needs a tool kit to direct it.
I have 3 kids + dog + elder care so I hear you on doing life on hard mode. You and DH need to sit down with her when there is no one else in the house and talk about strategies that she can use and you can use. Literally talk through and walk through what can happen when she has a tantrum. She’s exploding because she is trying so hard not to and then loses control. Work with her on recognizing the signs (hangry is a big one for our middle kid, as soon as he starts getting grumpy, DH and I check in with each other on when he last ate), and then what to do when she feels overwhelmed. We use the phrase ‘ I need to press pause’ sometimes. It helps him know he can take a pause to try and use some of his strategies to calm down before continuing the discussion. We try to make him feel heard.
Make a written ‘calm down’ plan that she can keep in her room. So when she starts getting elevated, you can direct her to go to her room and pick something from her plan.
After you and DH sit down with her, you need to sit down just the two of you and make a list of situations which seem to trigger her so that you can make a parenting plan for strategies to reduce triggers. For middle kid, that looks like us being very very firm with youngest kid if middle kid wants time by himself in his own room. Youngest kid is not good at respecting boundaries and that is triggering for middle kid who wasn’t feeling like youngest kid listened unless he screamed at him. We intervene with youngest kid before it escalates. You can ask to play in middle kid’s room and if he says no you accept it and don’t ask 5 seconds later.
Anonymous says
+1
Anon says
The New Year’s Resolution thing stood out to me too – that’s setting her up for failure because it’s not something that can be fixed by just wanting to not do it.
OP says
Oh it was totally her. I don’t make new years resolutions! She just announces it! I use that as an example that she knows there’s a problem and she does want to fix it. She’s also written herself cool down plans and reviewed them with us. But at age 9 she’ll just explode. In the kitchen, far away from that plan. I’m really hoping therapy helps!
Anonymous says
Therapy absolutely can help! Do not give up on it before trying it. Sending hugs.
try OT says
We just went through a few months of weekly OT with my daughter for similar issues, after a recommendation here. They helped with emotional dysregulation and retained primitive reflexes. The whole thing was fascinating to me, there are specific exercises she’s to do daily to work on Galant and Moro reflexes, and “heavy work” before bed to sort of expend energy, but without hyping her up (proprioceptive) . Then there was a lot of discussions and work on calming techniques etc. We didn’t try the psych route because it seemed like these were a physical thing, vs emotional if that makes sense, and the waits and costs are better with OT. Since she’s 6 and doing great in school ( masking) we aren’t interested in meds either. Also lots of hugs to you.
It's hard says
I’ve been there with my daughter who is now 9.5. She’s always been stubborn but otherwise pretty easy so it’s been tough to handle. Her twin brother also will often verbally provoke or make it worse while she’s melting down, which doesnt help.
I can tell that in the moment she is completely dysregulated and it’s not a rational, malicious activity. She also feels about how awful she feels to be out of control like that. so it’s been more about helping her gain control and avoid triggers.
She’s resistant to the idea of seeing a counselor but will talk about her feelings to me. feeling overwhelmed, particularly not having time to decompress after school is a trigger so we try to not overschedule. plus give her plenty of visibility into plans and expectations.
I’ve found Dr Becky’s No Bad Kids to be a helpful read just to put me in a better and more patient mindset to help. I didn’t find the Explosive Child to be as helpful.
it’s gotten better over the last few months and meltdowns are closer to a few a month rather than a few a week. so still room for improvement!! But far better than the fall.
so mostly solidarity and reading with interest for more strategies.
OP says
this sounds a lot like my daughter. she feels bad about it (sometimes). one thing we’ve done after this weekend is decided to ban sleepovers for the next year and then reevaluate. that’s going to be a hit to her social life – and even ours since we sometimes socialize with the parents – but sleep is a big trigger for her I think.
good luck. sounds like we are dealing with similar frequencies and also siblings being in the mix are not helpful. i feel bad because i think i’m a worse parent to her siblings these days too.
Anonymous says
No sleepovers!! My 8 y/o was like this and has finally mellowed but any deviation from her sleep routine and all bets are off.
We didn’t “ban” them, just said some kids aren’t ready for sleepovers and she’s one of them. When we talked it through she bought in 100%. We also offered sleepunders. It helps that my older daughter has 2 friends that don’t fit sleepovers even at 11. One doesn’t like to sleep away from home and the other is a crazy competitive athlete that needs to be well rested at all times. It’s really NBD and my whole family has helped reinforce this.
Anonymous says
It sounds like she is experiencing nervous system regulation issues. Is something causing unusual stress or overwhelm for her? Does she have a safe outlet for letting out negative emotions before exploding?
Anonymous says
My kid had these behaviors and has mostly outgrown them at 8, but not quite.
1) have her see someone. If it a full blown neuropsych, then a therapist. These are big feelings and she has to learn to control them.
2) in cool times, have a discussion with her. I was really surprised when my kid told me “my brain doesn’t want to do these things but my body can’t stop.” It opened the door to a collaborative strategy.
3) draw a hard line with physical stuff. In cool times, come up with a safety plan. More than once, we had to take my daughter into the car, and lock the doors until she could cool down (with an adult inside with her!). Then usually we did a drive to further cool down.
Read up on adhd tantrums. Even if she isn’t adhd, the management techniques are great. It also helps to know that people need a full 20 minutes to cool down. Once I had that one my head it helped me give enough time so we didn’t have more flare-ups.
AIMS says
Where do you buy kids pajamas these days? Specifically looking for a large 6 year old boy that wears a size 8. Struggling because everything is either too cutesy (he’s sadly outgrown some of the more childish designs & wont wear anything too precious) or too lame (would prefer something without cheesy slogans) or it’s polyester (which doesn’t sound better to me if you call it “recycled”). I used to find tons of stuff at Carter’s,Gap, and Old Navy but really striking out. Can’t say that anything at Hanna or Janie and Jack makes me too enthusiastic either. Primary used to not work because it was too slim cut, though it’s been a while since I last tried. Last time we had to re-up his PJs, I found some good ones from Burt’s Bees but he’s outgrowing the size 7 and I’m not finding too many options in bigger sizes.
Would be interested in just loose cotton sleep pants that we could pair with tshirts too, but aside from a handful of pairs at Vineyard Vines I haven’t found much here that isn’t polyester.
Anon says
My 7 YO son wears the striped hannas pretty much exclusively. Not cutesy, all cotton, great quality.
Redux says
I find Hannas to be slim cut, similar to Primary, so may not work for OP. My kids are slim, so this is what we buy and the quality is so good they usually outgrow them before they wear out.
Maybe try H&M? 100% cotton, more generous cut in my experience.
Cb says
I share this struggle. I’ve had decent luck with Lindex and Ladredoute, but he seems to have sized out of the nicer colours and patterns. Marks and Spencers ships to the US and they have some fun designs.
We got a pair of primary ones recently and they are quite snug on my tall, slim 6 year old. They are 8-9 and I can’t imagine them lasting the year.
Anonymous says
My 7 y/o wears athletics shorts and a t-shirt to bed, because he wants to be like his dad. I wish he would wear Hanna’s: we have a stash of them a friend gave us but he doesn’t like them.
Anonymous says
This is adorable
Anonymous says
All of the loose PJ pants will be synthetic because of flammability requirements. Only fitted PJs can be made of cotton. You can buy flannel PJ pants labeled as “lounge pants” or just “flannel pants” to get around the requirements. Boxercraft is one brand. We also use sweat shorts or summer cotton jersey shorts as PJ bottoms.
Redux says
excellent point.
Anonymous says
I spoke too soon–Boxercraft kids’ pants used to be cotton, but now they are polyester too.
Anonymous says
My son just wears a t-shirt and underwear; our apartment is hot. You can usually find cotton sweat shorts in the summer, or you can make cut offs. At camp he apparently slept in his shorts.
Anonymous says
Hatley is popular with my boys. Sometimes H+M as well.
It’s common to be one size up in Pjs over clothes. Technically the cotton ‘tight fit’ are supposed to fit very tight because they don’t have flame retardant but I always sized up.
Mary Moo Cow says
My 6 year old (girl) likes sleep sets from Lands End and has a few character sets from Target, but is also moving away from cutesy. My 8 year old has firmly rejected pjs for a few years now, so sleeps in a random giveaway t-shirt and cartwheel shorts. I’m laughing to myself because as I get older, I really enjoy the ritual of getting into really nice matching pjs at the end of the day and wondering when they will come full circle.
Anonymous says
Burt’s Bees has up to 12 if your kid would go for the designs – my 9 year old boy still wants cute animals which are hard to find in size 10/12 and that’s where I landed! Lands End also has good ones.
Anon says
We have had luck with Abercrombie for my 9 year old.
Anon says
It it makes you feel better there are many things you will only use for a short window, then can regift/store, like a bassinet, and a bouncer or other safe place to put the baby in your living space. Those things take up a lot of space but you only use them for a fairly short time frame. Likewise there are things you don’t need yet that you can hold off on for now, like an umbrella stroller, baby food maker, most baby toys.
I didn’t use a wipe warmer. Otherwise I feel like I used most of the “stuff.”
Clementine says
Past me as a non-parent, mom of an infant, or mom of a toddler/preschooler: Kids are too over scheduled! No way am I ever going to sign up my kid for more than one or two activities a season.
Me as a parent of an active ACTIVE elementary schooler who thrives being outdoors and part of structured activities trying to figure out if we can do both rec soccer and (new spring sport). WELL… I mean, yes some Saturday mornings we will be double booked, but also – is it really THAT bad??
Anonymous says
Oh yes my middle child has me eating those words. Yesterday we took them all to a trampoline park birthday (also something I swore against) and he was in hog heaven. I wonder if there’s gymnastics for 3 year olds around here.
Clementine says
Oh, SO relatable. Me: I will never allow my kids on trampolines. The injury risk is too high! Also me: Did a trampoline park birthday party for my winter birthday kid this year.
Anonymous says
Literally also me.
Anon says
Same. I didn’t make many declarations before becoming a parent but one of the few things I was sure of was no trampoline parks, ever. Guess where we held my kid’s 5th birthday?
Anonymous says
Yes! Extracurriculars are one of those things where everyone is a perfect parent until they actually have kids. Some kids need the structure and/or the time away from parents and siblings, even if it is totally exhausting for the parents. If you have one or more of these kids, running them all over the place is much easier and more pleasant than dealing with them cooped up at home all the time.
Mary Moo Cow says
Ha! A friend recently had one kid in three sports on one day and parent of one kid me would have shaken my head, but parent of two different kids me is just cheering her on for doing what she needs to do for family harmony.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 to this. DS #1 (6) is content playing around the house, going to the library or park, and watching TV.
I think my DS #2 (3) will need to burn energy with organized sports, ninja, or something.
For now, all of my kids’ activities are at their schools, but for DS #2, he needs more on weekends. Once I feel like we’re in a better place with potty training I fully plan to look into something where he can freely burn energy.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yep, that’s how we ended up in club soccer in second grade. I’ve found that since other kids have more structured activities, there really isn’t a neighborhood group my kids can have free play with all day, so they’re stuck with us, and it’s just too much together time if we do nothing, honestly.
Clementine says
SO. Another part of it is that we have a ton of other kids in the neighborhood… but the only one who seems to be free all the time is… an indoor cat. He tries to get my kid to play video games (which has its place!) but this kid in particular is absolutely at his best when he’s busy and active.
Anon says
As a TTC non-parent, I’m looking forward to my one-day kid being involved in activities. I honestly think that playing three-plus sports a year kept me healthier and happier than I would have been otherwise, especially since Myspace and Facebook came out in my teen years when I was very self-conscious about my body and prone to comparing myself to my friends. Sports have been shown to have a dramatic positive impact on girls and I believe it. I still believe in the power of unstructured time for kids and adults alike, but there is nothing wrong with activities!
Anon says
I hear you and agree in principle that sports are great, but the structure has changed a LOT since we were young. It’s hard to find anything casual and fun…many places, rec leagues are either not an option or else they have four hours of practice during the week for a 7yo. And if you aren’t playing in the “elite” levels by 8 a lot of the simpler options are like herding cats – no real emphasis on improvement or structure or team bonding, just babysitting while the kids run around a little.
It’s been very disheartening for me; I have three active boys and I want something like the rec leagues of old where there was teamwork and comradery, but also just one practice and game per week! My kids can’t possibly all specialize in every sport in order to have a decent opportunity.
Anon says
You’re talking about middle and high schoolers; most comments about overscheduling are referring to preschoolers and early elementary age kids so it’s kind of apples and oranges. I do think that kids are different and some thrive on more activity and you won’t know what kind of kids you have until you have them, but I also think it’s kind of ridiculous to have 3-4 year olds in multiple activities per week or elementary age kids in activities literally every single day, which is the case for a lot of people we know. Part of why my kid is so scheduled is that all her neighborhood friends are overscheduled, so she has no one to play with. I think it would be better for them to have more down time for play.
New Here says
We held off on extra activities until 3.5. Then we started her in Saturday A.M. gymnastics because 1) It starts at 10 a.m. and by then I’ve lived a whole day, and 2) it breaks up our rotation of children’s museum/botanic garden/park/library.
We may add an evening (like, 5 p.m.) dance class in the fall. With bedtime moving later (~8:30), we need something to help pass the time, especially when playing outside after dinner isn’t an option. Just 1 day, though.
I’m also at the point where we aren’t tired of birthday parties (yet). Pre-planned activity with little effort on my part? Possibly a mimosa, depending on setting? Sign me up.
Anony says
Crying at “by then I’ve lived a whole day”
I solo parent pretty regularly on weekends and this Sunday I checked the clock and was like how is it only 9:30?!!!!!
Anon says
Same. Sometimes I wonder if we’re overscheduled (I had to cancel an event this past weekend due to illness and the next date we’re free is in late May) but my extroverted only child really thrives on doing a lot of stuff out of the house and around peers.
Anon says
Yup, I said all of that but now my kid does gymnastics, math school, an instrument, and a running club that’s thankfully at school. She loves all of them and it seems silly to drop any of them just on principal, when they are all good for her long term.
Vent says
I finally had some much-needed scheduled time off this week to catch up on many household/life things … and of course the toddler is home sick. She’s the one who is hardest to have at home too these days. The same thing happened the last time I tried to take time off too.
First world problems, I know, but I’m disappointed. I’ve been looking forward to this for months.
Mary Moo Cow says
Ugh, I had the same thing happen lately, except I was the one who was sick. I was so mad that my day was stolen from me. I still haven’t figured out when I can make up for it. Solidarity.
anon says
I’m sorry, that genuinely stinks.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ugh, this is really the worst. Will she sit in front of the TV for hours at least? No guilt, do what you need to do on your day off!
Vent says
She just turned 1, so is at that tough stage where she’s too young for tv but also very mobile. We’ll get through it, it’s just ughhhh not what I planned!
Anon says
Disappointment totally justified! Last week was my first week back to work from mat leave and both my preschooler and baby were sick at home through out the week (luckily on different days).
Remember to take care of yourself the best you can so you also do not get sick.
Anon says
So after years of waffling we’ve formally committed to hosting an easter egg hunt at our house this year for about 8 kids (ages 0-7) and 8-10 adults. Any suggestions or tips to make it easier on ourselves? We plan to hide all the eggs outside, we have lots of space. I was thinking age groups of 1-3, 3-5, and 6-7, and probably doing a staggered start for each group, does that sound reasonable? I’m assuming the kids will be too wound up to sit and decorate but should we have a station for that anyway? Ideas for good, inexpensive prizes or games?
Anon says
You may need to hide more eggs in between groups. Maybe not the toddlers, but I would expect the 3-5 year old group to find all the eggs that are hidden at that time.
Anonymous says
My #1 tip is no chocolate in the eggs. It attracts ants, which can get in through the air holes in the eggs. It also melts in the sun even at surprisingly low air temperatures. Cue memories of the Great Easter Egg Horror at the grandparents’ country club egg hunt when my daughter was two years old.
Anon says
This probably depends where you’re doing Easter? In the Midwest and have never had any issues with chocolate attracting ants or melting in eggs, but it’s rarely above 50 degrees in the morning and it’s more likely to be sub-freezing than 70+.
Anonymous says
I would do two groups. Kids in the older group are each assigned an egg color and can only collect eggs of that color. Customize the difficulty of the hiding places for each child by age. For the tiniest kids, just put the eggs on the ground and let them run around and grab them.
Anon says
+1 to your last sentence. They don’t need to be “hidden” for that age group. Makes life easier! Just make sure the big kids don’t go in that zone.
My extended family used to host an Easter egg hunt where the Easter Bunny and his buddies (a chick, a squirrel, varied) would ski down to the house. Obviously that only works if you’re in a hilly area with snow, but the fun of it was “watching for the bunny” and then the cries of “there he is,” which you could do anywhere.
NYCer says
Agree with this. Three groups seems unnecessary for just 7 kids.
I would also buy some inexpensive Easter craft kits and have those available for the kids too. Michael’s usually has a variety of easy options.
NYCer says
Oops 8 kids! But I still think two groups is fine.
Anonymous says
Let the big kids hide the eggs for the toddlers. They will love it.
AwayEmily says
I love this idea!
Anon says
For 8 kids, do one hunt. Maybe little kids in front yard and big in back. Or, have them all find a certain number, run to a special place for a lollipop and then continue hunting. Don’t worry about making it even (c’mon, it’s an egg hunt) but you can make sure everyone gets at least a minimum number of eggs.
Have lots of brunch foods and drinks. You can even ask your guests to bring something. Adults can eat and socialize, kids can run around together. I would not bother with crafts, maybe get some bubbles and chalk and lean into free play outside.
Anon says
Watch out for poison ivy and ant beds depending on where you live! My husband was responsible for hiding the eggs a couple years and put way too many in poison ivy 🤦🏻♀️
HSAL says
My mom usually has a dozen kids for Easter and she picks one color for each kid and preps the same number of eggs for each. You only find your color.
Anonymous says
Any thoughts on Rome vs Venice with early elementary age kids? In mid October. We only have 6 days to travel and because of the short time frame, I’d prefer to keep it to a city where we can fly non-stop and those are the options. I’ve been to both cities before, but not with kids. I loved Rome and would love to go back to explore in more depth. I didn’t like Venice but I’m open to giving it another try.
Anon says
6 days is way too long in Venice. Definitely Rome.
NYCer says
I agree with this. If you have an option of flying into one and out of the other, I do think you could do 4 days in Rome and 2 in Venice.
Anonymous says
Is it an option to fly into Rome and out of Venice? Lots of good train connections. I would be inclined to do 4 days Rome and 2 days at an agritourism near Venice with day trip into Venice. More to do in Rome for that age group but the canals in Venice are spectacular and a real ‘core memory type experience.
My kids have been to Italy a bunch and like activities where we do things like make pizza or tour a pasta factory instead of just historical stuff. Might be olive harvest around then?
OP says
Sorry just to be clear — we have 6 days total, including travel. It would be 4 full days in whatever city we go to. I’m open to a day trip, but not interested in splitting overnights.
Anonymous says
Rome for sure in that case. Can you arrange your travel so it’s closer to 12- 16 hrs vs 24 each way? Lots of nice options for daytrips from Rome to see the country side a bit.
Anonymous says
Life is too short to go back to places you didn’t like.
OP says
I hear that! In fairness to Venice, it’s a famously romantic city and I was there with an ex-boyfriend I knew I didn’t want to marry, so I think that may have been a lot of why it didn’t do anything for me. (I realize being with my kids also isn’t going to be romantic lol, but at least I wouldn’t go into it expecting romance…). I also wasn’t prepared for heavy rain that made the canals flood and having to walk through the gross water in sneakers was very unpleasant. I would come prepared with rain shoes this time.
I guess I feel like even though I loved Rome on my first visit, I don’t have a burning desire to go back there either, so I feel pretty neutral about where we go. If anything maybe I’d rather go to Venice to see if I got the wrong first impression because I know SO many people who love it.
Anon says
You used to be able to fly direct to Pisa, then it’s a short train ride to Florence/the rest of Tuscany if that’s more appealing to you!
NYCer says
If you would rather go to Venice, I would do that then. I actually really like Venice, and I am sure your kids will find the canals fascinating. You can go to Murano or find another day trip from there too.
Anonymous says
I love Venice and you can see it with lots of walking to tire them out. There are lots of shops with delicate things which would be a pain to herd kids through. I love Venice as an adult, but I’d weigh how much your kids like art museums. I probably wouldn’t do the full 4 days there unless you want to do some beach time at the Lido (too cold for October thought). However, Verona is really cute and historic, you’re pretty close to the Dolomites or Bologna.
If you want to stay in a city, then Rome is probably easier to find a mix of kid friendly activities.
Anonymous says
How do you handle conflict with a friend/frenemy who is also your friend’s husband, is involved in your volunteer work, coaches your child in an extracurricular, and is the dad of your child’s close friend? The dude pulled a real jerk move and directly addressing the issue will be inevitable in the very near future. I would prefer just to create some polite distance but that won’t work here. We can both be charitably described as “big personalities” and are personally invested in the issue at stake so that raises the heat. My current plan is to open by asking him what he thinks is going on rather than immediately giving him a piece of my mind. I am quite accustomed to dealing with conflict at work–it’s literally what I am hired to do–but this is another realm entirely.
Anonymous says
Can you be more specific about the nature of the conflict? Unless it’s someone I have to interact with, I find avoidance works well sometimes so I save my emotional energy for closer relationships.
Is the issue related to the volunteer work, extra-circular or playdates? If playdates at their house are an issue, I try to initiate at third party locations (movie, zoo etc) and be ‘busy’ when at home playdates are offered. If it’s the volunteer work, is there a third party who can highlight applicable policies? Coaching is a tricky piece for sure.
Anon says
Okay, now I really want to know what he did!
Anonymous says
He has said nasty things about my child to me in front of other adults twice, and this weekend said something nasty about my child and my parenting to the group of kids he coaches while my child was not there. He has also treated me disrespectfully with regard to the volunteer work, which I would just quit but it would just exacerbate his resentment of me and my child because he relies heavily on me. Much of this appears to stem from competitiveness on his part.
Anonymous says
PS if kids weren’t involved I would totally just get out of the whole thing.
Anonymous says
“BobTom, over the weekend you said my kid was trash. If there’s an issue with my kid I’m happy to work with you on that but please don’t insult my child. Thanks!”
Anon says
Wait am I understanding correctly that this is a good friend’s husband? I would not be able to maintain a friendship with a woman whose spouse was treating me like this. If you really want to, I feel like a starting point would be “hey Sarah why is Tom being such an a-hole to me and my kid?”
Betsy says
Yeah I think this is a case where I would talk to the friend first. Sounds like you and the husband are likely to be at each other’s throats and that isn’t likely to be helpful for any of these relationships in the future. Maybe she can help smooth things over.
Anonymous says
The wife is a friend but not an especially close one. I tried to bring it up with her and she shut it down in a “this is between you and my husband; don’t drag me into it” sort of way. I think that is a boundary she draws in general with regard to his work. Our daughters are very close and are really positive supportive friends to one another so that’s the relationship that is worth preserving.
Anonymous says
For inappropriate things in front of other adults I’ve used “Okay…could you repeat that? I must have misheard you’ with a look of confusion at the other adults.
For volunteer work, can you bring in other adults to buffer and then fade out your involvement?
Anonymous says
Asking him what he thinks is going on is pretty hostile. I’d try to solve this using as little conflict as possible. Just. Why ?
anon says
For trash-talking my kid, I would call him out. But many people don’t like me, and I doubt it would lead to a positive future relationship. I would still do it though, because it’s so important to me that my kid knows he doesn’t have to tolerate that treatment, and I will back him up.
Anonymous says
I would not be friends with this family and I’d severe the volunteer relationship and put my kid in a different sport team. There’s no reason for an adult to trash talk children like this.
Anonymous says
+1 – this sounds beyond fixing
Anonymous says
I just found out I’m pregnant! Posting here because we decided not to tell friends yet. We did tell our parents/siblings. My DH and I have been TTC for several months, and I’m almost 40, so very excited. My first appointment is next week.
How long did you wait to tell close friends? I don’t think I can wait 12 weeks…I had an ectopic pregnancy 12 years ago, at 7 weeks, so that’s one reason I want to wait.
Anonymous says
My rough guideline was who would I want to know so I could lean on if things did not go well. And who could I trust not to tell if I asked them not to. DH’s mom was actually told after some of my close friends because she saw nothing wrong when she found out about DH’s cousin’s baby at the grocery store when the cousin’s mom said ‘she isn’t supposed to say anything yet so don’t tell anyone’ and DH’s mom turned around and told us within the hour.
Anon says
I’m a super private person and really wanted to minimize the possibility of having to discuss a loss with anyone except my spouse so we did not tell any of our family or friends until 14 weeks, right after an appointment where we heard the heartbeat. Our parents and siblings and close friends were all non-local at the time, so there was no issue of anyone seeing me in person and suspecting anything. Everybody was thrilled and nobody was upset about not being told sooner. I told work around 16 weeks and plenty of people there suspected but no one said anything until I officially announced.
anon says
I’m firmly in camp tell-people-as-early-as-you-want. With my first, I told family immediately, maybe week 5? And told work/friends almost as soon, long before 10-week ultrasound. My second pregnancy I was dramatically sick and then had a week 7 miscarriage, and I told all my in-person friends. I didn’t tell family at the time because I didn’t want to distract from a big family wedding, but I have over time mentioned the miscarriage to most of them, because I don’t see a reason to hide it.
Anonymous says
I told a friend right away, family at 8 weeks. We knew we would want family support if the pregnancy didn’t stick.
test run says
We told my mom around…seven weeks I think because she was visiting and it would have just been too hard to keep it a secret (and then we told our in-laws right after to be fair). I didn’t have a clear plan, but was planning to wait until maybe 10-12 weeks to tell friends? But then I got extremely ill starting at 8 weeks and we basically had to tell everyone including my work because otherwise they would have thought I was dying.
Anon says
Do you buy gifts for kids’ friends when your child is invited to the party but can’t make it? My K-er can’t go to a friend’s bday party – a real friend, not just a classmate, but also not someone she’s been besties with for years or anything – and I feel like it would be nice to get a gift. A couple people got her gifts last year when they couldn’t go to her party and I was very surprised. It feels like a nice thing to do for a legit friend, but I don’t want to be weird or set a precedent where we have to do this every time we can’t make it to a party for random classmates.
Anon says
I do if it’s a real friend not just a classmate, but it’s very much not the norm.
I wouldn’t worry about setting a precedent you have to continue in the future – no adults are discussing who got their 6 year old what, and kids won’t remember. It’s fine to get a gift for closer friends and not for kids you don’t know as well. It’s also fine if you intend to get one for a close friend but then you forget or can’t get to the store in time.
NYCer says
+1 to all of this. OP – If I were you, I would get the kid a present in the circumstances you describe.
Anonymous says
+2 If it’s a real friend then yes, I get a gift because I know what this kid likes and think it’s good for my kiddo to practice gift giving. Otherwise, just we rsvp no and move on.
Anonymous says
Nope!!!!!!!!!!
anon says
also nope
DLC says
We don’t but will take/treat the birthday kid to an experience or one one one play date later- ie a show or a museum or playspace.
Redux says
We were recently on the receiving end of this and it was really nice. Friend who couldnt make it to the party instead took my kiddo out for ice cream. Totally unnecessary and really sweet since both kids were bummed that the friend couldnt make it to the party, so some one-on-one time was a good substitute.
Anon says
I want to get a gift for my cousin’s twins who are turning two. I know their house is overflowing with toys so I want to get them something practical. They get lots of hand-me-downs from singleton families, but they have to buy outerwear and shoes themselves (rarely get two matching pairs of those things). They are low-income so money is tight. I was thinking of giving them a $100 gift card to Stride Rite along with a printed shoe size chart (they don’t have a printer). Is that a good idea, or would another store be better?
Anon says
That’s very generous! I would do a gift card for Target, which gives them more flexibility about what they buy and also more low cost options. I’m very comfortable financially, but never invested a lot of money in kids shoes because they get outgrown or worn out so fast (and I have not found that pricey brands last longer than cheap brands). We just buy $10 Cat & Jack shoes at Target.
Anon says
I’d just give cash or a more generic gift card unless you know a particular brand of shoe works for those kids. Stride Rite shoes never worked for my kid.
Anonymous says
Do they need rain coats? That’s a random gift my twins appreciated. Otherwise, I’d just do a gift card to Target or Amazon or Walmart. My twins can’t wear the same brand of shoes because their feet are structurally quite different.
Anon says
Clueless FTM question: Can someone please explain Montessori to me? I have done some reading, but I can’t conceptualize what the philosophy even looks like in practice. I get that there are age-combined classrooms, but that’s it
Anon says
There was an in-depth discussion about the philosophy very recently… I think Friday?
A lot of schools call themselves Montessori but aren’t strict about the philosophy. And a lot of non-Montessori schools adopt some elements of the Montessori philosophy. For example, my kid went to play-based university daycare, but they had mixed age classrooms (which a lot of people here seem to be down on, but I loved!) and regularly had kids do hands on things like cooking. But there was plenty of space for unstructured imaginative play, which is not usually the case at a strict Montessori school.
Anon says
It’s a teaching philosophy/style of education that emphasizes that children basically want to learn and be independent, so you enable them to do that with appropriate levels of freedom. The classes often use different types of sensory hands-on materials. There is more to it than that, but that is the basic gist. There is no “official” regulation a school has to comply with, although there are a couple groups that do Montessori accreditation. That’s why you see different things called Montessori.
There’s a lot of overlap with regular preschool. Some of the things that might be more “Montessori” are the kids serving snacks/lunch to others, dressing themselves, doing little tasks, and doing the special materials. Unstructured play is not part of the Montessori class segment of the day, but a Montessori daycare would typically still have unstructured play time for the kids.
Anon says
Gosh, this is a loaded question! If you want to know more, there is a series of books called The Montessori Baby…Toddler…Child that are easy to read and give lots of practicals.
It also depends a bit if you are talking schools, or applying the philosophy to home/life. My kids go to traditional school but I’d say our home life philosophy is Montessori lite.
At the crux, Montessori is about respect for the person, even a newborn, and treating children as capable humans. There’s a lot of emphasis on involving them in practical life tasks, giving them space to develop skills on their own timeline, and generally taking life at the pace of a child (letting them be as independent as they wish — within reason, as sometimes you have to just get things done). “Play is the work of the child” and all that. I find it’s a beautiful philosophy. It dovetails well with RIE.
In schools, there are specific materials (vs toys) that isolate certain skills, and kids can go at their own pace and choose their own work during a work cycle. There’s emphasis on restoring the work (cleaning up) and respecting the space and focus of other kids.
It’s often painted as too rigid, but I’ve seen it “work” for all manner of temperaments. In reality, I think it’s allowing kids to be themselves while holding firm boundaries. There are rules, but they are meant to protect and honor all the kids in the space.