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Anon says
Advice on dealing with resentment and feeling like I cannot rely on DH because his big job always comes first? A recent example that is sort of petty but emblematic – he agreed to pick my parents up from the airport. This required him to leave work an hour earlier than usual (he is in charge of his schedule and normally at the office for ten hour days). He was almost an hour late picking them up because he got caught up in an “emergency” with one of his reports. This sort of occurrence seems to happen any time we have evening plans or needs. I think the solution is just to not ever ask him to do anything near the end of the work day (I usually don’t), but I hate how the result is that I am always on the hook for kid stuff and household “emergencies.”
Anon says
I’d vote for counseling… as a one time thing it might not be a big deal but if as you say he’s having a work “emergency” every time you need anything, this seems like much more of a marriage issue than a work issue.
Anne-on says
I hate to say ‘throw money at it’….but we throw money at it. My 12 year old still has a 25 hour a week nanny that is basically another ‘mom’ in our household – she walks the dog, can handle vet visits with cats, takes care of laundry, will manage groceries/drugstore runs, etc. It isn’t cheap but it gives me a dedicated back up person and lets my husband off the hook for a lot of family stuff. Is it equal? No, but his job is a 3-day a week in office position vs. my job that’s almost fully work from home. It’s rough – we have zero local family so we do need the extra help but I still wish he was in the trenches with me more. We’re on the same page about so much but 90% of our disagreements are about work/life stuff.
anon says
What conversations have you all had about this?
OOO says
You have a right to be upset about DH picking up your parents from the airport an hour late. When he knew he was going to be late did he call you to let you know and see if you could pick them up instead? Did he call your parents and tell them he would be late and suggest they get a cab? Or tell them to at least hang out at a restaurant in the airport until he gets there? I don’t mean to make you more upset than you already are, but this type of thing would make me livid. If work always comes before family for him then it sounds like he doesn’t have a handle on things at work and needs to ask his managers for more support. Sorry I’m in a mood today, just think of me as the Luther to your Obama.
Anonymous says
+1 – it seems like he had a lot of ways he could handle this that would have inconvenienced others less.
Anon says
+1. How he handled the lateness is more telling than the lateness itself.
Anon says
Yah, if he left them on a street corner waiting for him without being proactive in communication that’s Bad. But I also don’t think adults having to wait an hour for pickup (with proper notice, so they can sit comfortably somewhere inside) is such a horrible thing…
Anonymous says
I do! It’s hideously rude. This wasn’t an emergency it was a work call.
FVNC says
This post resonates a lot with me. My husband has the job that comes first, and requires long hours and not infrequent true (life or death) emergencies. When our kids were younger, I really resented our dynamic where I became the default parent just because I had the flexible job. Over the years, though (my oldest is now 10), I’ve reframed my thinking so that I genuinely feel fortunate to be the parent who greets the kids after school and has the ability to shuttle them to after school activities. And like you suggested, our solution was ultimately that during the work week, most kid and family-related responsibilities are on me. Is it “fair”? Not necessarily. But it works for us and my career (I’m in as stable a job as one can have in the private sector, with no ambitions to have a Big Job), and I also do almost no house / family admin work…so I feel it balances out.
If this reframing isn’t something you’re interested in (completely valid), but your husband’s job or your husband won’t change, then you have to really build your community — have a roster of sitters who can drive your kids, be willing to do things during the week with just you and the kids, and outsource as much as possible to take things off your plate. It’s great that you’ve identified the issue; don’t let resentment fester. Oh, and for the record, being an hour late to pick up guests from the airport is really not acceptable. I don’t think this is a “petty” example at all.
Anonymous says
This is really well put. I used to feel extremely resentful. Here are some things I do that mostly of curb that feeling: 1) the moment I feel resentful, I actively list things DH takes care of that I never have to think about. 2) get some outside help. This will look different for everyone but it was a game changer for me. 3) when I asked DH to handle something and he forgot or didn’t, I just it let him deal with the consequences. You kind of have to strategically pick what you ask for in order for this to work without disappointing a kid or leaving your in laws stranded. But my spouse can be extremely resourceful at the 11th hour when he knows I’m not going to bail him out.
Anon says
I think you’re being reasonable. We have something similar in our house where my husband doesn’t have a big job but an inflexible one (which pays 30% of what I make) where he has to be in office and has a long commute. What frustrated me was when he wasn’t really honest with himself and me about what he could /was willing to commit to which I found very disrespectful . If you can’t do pick up, fine, say so but don’t make a commitment and then drop the ball. I think he’s telling you that he is not willing to put things like that first, but being a weenie by not actually saying it. So I would call him on it and then plan your life accordingly so you don’t have to worry. You’ll have to decide whether you can get over your resentment about the set up and the weenieness
Anonymous says
I think you need to more clearly negotiate household responsibilities in terms of categories with no one-time exceptions. Either he does all afternoon transport or he does none. If he does not feel able to follow through on afternoon or evening commitments because his job is more important to him, then you either need to take on all afternoon/evening stuff yourself or agree to outsource by hiring a driving nanny. In exchange, he should take on categories of responsibilities that are not so time-sensitive, such as paying bills. Unfortunately, it’s just not possible for both partners to prioritize their jobs over family responsibilities unless you have a lot of good hired help. Something has to give.
Colette says
First – that is not a petty example AT ALL! I would be f*%!ing livid if my partner does this.
Also, I think you need personal and couples therapy. That’s just really disrespectful way to treat you and everyone in your family. There are very few jobs that would truly warrant this.
I have a “big job” that is predominantly male. It enrages me when they talk about how little they help at home. It’s insane. Very big into the feigned incompetence.
Related – I had to stop listening to “best of both world” podcast because both of their husbands are so useless at home. You need to learn crazy time management skills and exhaust yourself – you need an actual partner.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, your last points are spot on. Unfortunately, it’s often the case that these men make more money, have wives who choose or are forced to step back, and then can’t leave because of the money. And what incentive do the men have to do anything other than work? But I hope they remember that, at the end of the day, your job will never love you. I know countless stories of people being laid off after devoting so much of their lives to work.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I agree with a lot of what’s been said here, but I think you also need to have direct conversation (or with a third party counselor) where you have him admit that he is actively prioritizing his job over his other responsibilities. Both of you need to acknowledge this and accept this for the benefits or needs of the job (hopefully there are some!) and agree that either you will be the default responsible person for everything else, or how can you outsource some of this. A lot of the time, men just assume that the job will come first, but why? Why wasn’t the need of your parents for a ride more important than his direct report?
Anonymous says
This.
Anonymous says
I’ve been in this situation. With us it tends to be that DH has agreed to help with a school vacation day, but never gets around to blocking the time in his calendar and forgets about the dates even if I send him a calendar invite. When the day before the vacation rolls around, I discover that he is in back-to-back meetings from 9 to 6 and needs to send things to his company’s crazy CEO ASAP. Fun!
To add to what has been said here, I would be curious how and why DH agreed to go to the airport. Was he actively volunteering? Not to blame you at all, but were you using this as a way to make him step up and even out the household work? It doesn’t sound like he handled the situation well, but I think you might find it useful to reflect on how this assignment came about. When taxis/ Ubers are so readily available, was this a good use of his limited capacity? Anyway I don’t want to make this your fault AT ALL. But assigning DH jobs that someone else can do may not be an effective strategy. I would focus on asking for his help when it’s something that only he can do. I would also, as others have noted, think about counseling or another way of getting at the fact that he’s not showing you or your parents some basic courtesies.
Anonie says
Outsource, outsource, outsource. Presumably his big job = big money. That means that, yes, he is on call for his job in the evening and cannot tell work “no” because he has to go pick up his in-laws from the airport. In this particular example, that means you either (1) pay for a rental car for your parents (2) pay for a black car service or Uber for your parents (3) pick them up yourself and pay a babysitter if you don’t want to bring the kids along (4) pick them up yourself and bring the kids.
If you hate that the result of the big job is that you’re always on the hook for kid stuff and household emergencies, you have two choices: (1) he changes jobs (2) you outsource so you’re no longer on the hook. There is no universe where your husband has this big job and is also available for kid-duty and household management in the evenings, so let go of the resentment about that fact: it just is. Make another change if you like, but if you like the $$$ and the happy husband, figure out another way to manage the other stuff that comes with that.
FVNC says
+1. Better said than my post above. This is very similar to some tough love advice I got from this s i te when I posted, oh 9 or so years ago, with a very similar question about resentment.
Anonymous says
+2.
Anon says
+3 I’ve been thinking all day how to say this without it coming off as dismissive. Your husband has to work a lot and presumably you both like/benefit from him having this job, so yes, work emergencies take priority over many things. But it’s time to address that head on and how to lessen your load if you are starting to burn out.
Anon says
+5. Husband has a big job; I scaled mine way back. I outsource everything so I don’t get resentful, and we enjoy our kids/family when he isn’t working, so we don’t use evenings/weekends for household chores. I copy his assistant on invites when he needs to be aware of something in advance on his calendar (he tends to have every single minute scheduled, so just goes from one meeting to the next without a lot of situational awareness of his calendar). If there are things where he absolutely cannot reschedule, we have a very clear conversation beforehand so he’s completely aware he’s on the hook.
we are both really good about valuing household work the same as professional work. I have less professional work during the day (I’m a consultant), so I do more family admin and kid stuff during the day. We never have a situation where one person isn’t “working” — for instance, if I’m running kids around in the evening (family work), he’s either helping (family work) or doing something for his job (professional work). Usually, by this definition, my work (family work) ends before his does — he’ll still be at the office or at an event (professional work). I would be really resentful if, for instance, I was doing family admin or chores on the weekend while he was watching tv or resting. But if one person is resting, then both people are resting.
Anon says
Your husband needs to fix this not you. You should not take on the work to fix this. He repeats this behavior because he doesn’t have any ramifications from it. By reducing the amount of expectations you give him as the consequence he gets exactly what he wants. He prefers work stress over home stress. See a therapist make a plan together. This is not fair to you.
Anonymous says
Why try to get over your resentment of him being an unreliable workaholic who chooses his job every time?!
Cb says
What’s everyone up to this weekend?
A pal and her kids are coming up (met via a Reddit bump group and 6 years later, are still friends – the internet isn’t all bad!) to join us for a trip to the theatre and then sleeping over. The kids have only met a few times but seem to get along pretty well so it should be fun. Afterwards, we are going to abandon the 3 kids to my husband and go to the local pub for a drink. Here is hoping she meets someone for a Hallmark movie style fling.
avocado says
The kid and I are both singing the snow scene aaah-aaahs in the pit for three shows of the Nutcracker (her first time working with a professional orchestra in a big hall), plus she has a school choir rehearsal and her church youth choir is singing at two services. I am exhausted just thinking about it.
Anonymous says
I have often wondered whether live people sing the ahhh ahhhs in the Nutcracker. Tonight we’re doing pizza and a movie. Maybe I’ll do a double feature with Rudolph and The Grinch (cartoon). I’ll probably also do popcorn and hot choc to make it more festive. Tomorrow DH and I are going to a wedding and kiddos are having their favorite babysitter and her puppy spend the night!
Spirograph says
We usually do pizza and a move on Fridays and tonight we have to watch Home Alone 2. My kids love the original… my 2nd grader saw the Home Alone 2 album cover art when my husband had some Christmas playlist going on his phone in the car earlier this week, and was really indignant that we hadn’t told him there was a sequel.
Anonymous says
Awww the snow scene aaaaah aaaahs are an important job, and that sounds so fun!
We also have an an exhausting weekend. Most of Saturday is taken up with driving a couple hours for kid #1’s hockey all star game, then Sunday we have church, two more local hockey games (all three kids play), and the neighborhood interfaith winter holiday celebration + Christmas tree lighting
Anon says
Found out I’m pregnant again after miscarriage (I posted the other day) and it’s a lot of processing, so we’re hoping to have some fun this weekend to just relax and not feel fear/pressure. I’m thinking a long bike ride, walking around in the neighborhoods with big homes to see the Christmas decorations, baking something tasty that still offers some semblance of nutrition, and a Christmas movie on the couch.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Our Saturday is light compared to last week, as we only have morning activities, and then a free afternoon. Weather is looking decent too, so we’ll probably be tinkering with our outdoor decorations and then doing some outdoor things. My older kid has started ice skating lessons and that is another fun winter activity he and I can do together, ahead of ski season.
Anon says
Very busy Saturday (regular activities plus a Grinch-themed dance class, a birthday party and a community gingerbread house event) and then friends are coming on Sunday to celebrate Hanukkah.
Anonymous says
Oof. For my introvert self we have a lot this weekend. Hanukkah candle lighting party this afternoon/evening (still haven’t figures out how we will be getting across the city for a 4-7 pm event when my work day goes till 5..), little kid is having a friend over tomorrow he’s been begging to play with for a month, regular afternoon kid activities, social night get together with big kid’s religious school class + parents + siblings, then Sunday big kid’s basketball game and a big in person auction even for a community group.
Mary Moo Cow says
Ooooh, I’m rooting for your pal!
Gymnastics while DH does his long run in the AM, last minute birthday gift shopping in the afternoon, and hoping to go see carolers in the evening (the one Saturday we can go and it’s going to be 60 degrees!) Early church on Sunday morning so we can go to a Chuck E Cheese birthday party at lunch on Sunday, then planning on taking the kids to an indoor pool in the afternoon. As winter closes in, we’ve learned the hard way that kids need physical outlets every day of the week.
Anonymous says
We are also relying on our indoor pool pretty much every weekend!
Anonymous says
Tree decorating and some winter family photos tomorrow. Sunday is dinner with my parents for my birthday. I chose lasagne and fancy chocolate ice cream with berry sauce for the meal, so I’m looking forward to it.
HSAL says
We made it through the Santa visit. Last year we did a Santa breakfast that was lovely, but I knew there was no way I could manage that. So I had looked at our local train setup at a hardware store (random but amazing) and the remaining times were all pretty terrible for us because it’s so popular it sells out quickly. But a friend had a connection and reached out, and they must hold times back because they gave us an entire train to ourselves for free so we wouldn’t have to be with strangers at the “north pole”. So some friends joined and it was really sad but also really nice and the kids had a great time.
Anon says
so many hugs. glad your family can start to make some new memories as bittersweet as i’m sure it is and i’m glad that there are people helping your family along the way
avocado says
All the internet hugs to you and your kids. Doing things that are different but still special sounds like a great plan for the holidays. And how sweet that a friend was able to arrange the private train time.
Spirograph says
Internet hugs from me too, I was just thinking of you yesterday and I’m glad to hear how you’re finding your way through the holiday season. Your friends are wonderful, and I hope your community’s love is a comfort for you and your kids.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Hugs, HSAL. Glad your community is there for you.
Anon says
Oh HSAL. We’re all thinking of you and your kids the holiday season. All the hugs.
Anonumous says
I’m proud of you for doing the activity even though it feels hard. Hugs.
Anon says
Hugs HSAL. Congrats on getting though this milestone.
FVNC says
You’re an incredible mom to make this magic happen for your kids this holiday. Wishing you all the best and all the internet hugs.
CCLA says
Thank you for sharing, I’m glad they would work that out for you and that you’re navigating new memories for you and the kids. So many hugs and so much love to you.
Anon says
this morning my K twins’ school had their story book parade and they left for school all smiles, but one of them came through the parade crying and when she saw me said “i want to go home.” DH was with me and he was like you are just seeing a small snippet of her day, but i’m like how am i supposed to make it through the day without thinking about that the whole time and i feel badly bc she was so excited about it
Cb says
I bet she didn’t see you straight away or found the whole thing a bit too emotional. Maybe she fell on the way out of the classroom or someone pulled her hair.
My son (6) told me not to come to the school open morning because it makes him cry when I leave. Grandma or dad only.
Anon says
My 3.5yo sons preschool is doing a holiday pageant next week where each class sings a song and parents are invited. I really want to go watch a bunch of 3 year olds “sing” but I’m worried about going for this exact reason. He loves school but I’m worried if he sees us he will immediately equate it with getting to go home and be upset when we leave without him.
busybee says
I’m surprised they don’t schedule it for the end of the day. My daughter’s daycare explicitly tells parents that the children will go home after the event because otherwise they get upset.
Anon says
Same, our daycare always did stuff like this at 4 pm so kids went home when the event was over.
Anon OP says
Yeah they are all right before lunch which does not seem ideal.
TheElms says
We had situations similar to this at my last preschool. We still went but we did lots of prep for the day and how it would go and it seemed to work. It didn’t eliminate all tears but it made it manageable. I basically would talk through what would happen on the pageant day every day starting the weekend before the event. Usually in the morning and then again at night. I think the teachers reinforced the same message so all the kids were prepared. Something like: mom is coming to the pageant. Dad won’t be there, but he’s doing XYZ with you another day. All the moms and dads have to sit in the audience. We listen to you sing. When the singing is over you will go back to your classroom. Then I’m allowed to give you a hug in your classroom but then mom will leave and go back to work and you’ll stay and play with your friends until nanny picks you up. I’ll see you at dinner.
Anon says
My cousin lives across the country and is in town this weekend at my uncle’s place. He invited family over tomorrow so we can meet his 9-month old son. My DS woke up this AM with the sniffles and a low-grade fever (99 degrees). If he doesn’t get better by tomorrow or gets worse I won’t take him to visit the baby. Would it be ok if I visit the baby? I should probably ask them if it’s ok. I can take a rapid test beforehand. Should I mask too or is that overkill?
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t take your son no matter what. If you have no symptoms I would ask the parents whether they want you to visit. I would mask even if the parents don’t ask you to, if only to avoid getting blamed if the baby catches a cold from someone else.
Anon says
Definitely ask them. It’s flu/RSV/COVID season and it’s the right thing to do to see what they’re comfortable with.
Anon says
Ask them. I would be fine with you coming in a mask, but the key is that it should be their choice not yours.
Anon says
Yes, ask them, and kudos to you for being responsible.
Also, 99 isn’t really a fever (fever starts at 100.4)…I get that it possibly is indicative of something awry, and you should watch him, but it’s not really “sick” (yet). My pediatrician is big on fever education, with lots of literature…I guess they are tired of parents bringing in their kids so much, lol.
Anon says
It depends on your baseline. My kid and I are both normally in the low 97s and 99 (especially in the morning) is indicative of sickness for us. It doesn’t mean we’re seriously ill (it sometimes happens with a cold) but it means we’re sick and likely contagious.
Anonymous says
Ask them and do what they want you to do. You could offer to not touch the baby, meet outside, etc but let them decide.
Anonymous says
Ask the baby’s mom (not your cousin) whether it’s ok for you to visit. Do not take your kid: that’s a low fever but give them the courtesy of 24 hours fever free like you would another kid at day care.
Spirograph says
This. I still apply my covid-era illness rules to everyone, but especially moms with a newborn. I fully disclose any symptoms in the household, + “I’d love to see you, but I want to make sure you’re comfortable with potential germs. I’m happy to wear a mask the whole time, if that makes a difference!”
Anon says
This was posted over on the main page and is really resonating with me right now. Might repost next week: https://www.vox.com/features/23979357/millennials-motherhood-dread-parenting-birthrate-women-policy
It’s “How millennials learned to dread motherhood.”
Anon says
I side-eye her positive statements about “tradwives,” qualified though they are. I don’t think those women enjoy motherhood and homemaking any more than anyone else. They’re just in a culture where they can’t admit otherwise, which I don’t consider to be a good thing.
I know this is personality dependent, but I am a type who likes to expect the worst and be happily surprised when things aren’t awful, so I think I’ve had an overall much happier experience with pregnancy and motherhood than I would have if I hadn’t heard so much about all the hard parts in advance. I don’t feel like my circle of friends is unable to talk about the joys of motherhood. We talk about it all, highs and lows.
Anon says
IDK, a lot of online tradwife types very much intentionally opted into that life. A lot of them were not raised in highly patriarchal Duggar type families where admitting you don’t want that life is verboten.
Anon says
I thought this was very interesting, although I felt like she touched on – but didn’t really dig into – the key question of why the women most likely to experience this dread are actually the women with the most options and money, highest likelihood of an egalitarian marriage, etc.
Also, the idea that egalitarian marriages are the answer to all this…I’m not sure how that tracks with the discussion in the rest of the article about how “mom dread” is less of a thing for poorer women. Because poorer women are much more likely to not have a partner sharing the burden at all (given the interaction of poverty and family formation).
Boston Legal Eagle says
One thought I have is that poorer women (not all of course, and all the usual caveats) have a larger family support network who sees it as their job to step in and help out. I see this with immigrant families too (and I myself spent my first few years in a multigen home). UMC women typically don’t, and there’s also not as many easily accessible social supports. Basically it’s all on the two parents to figure it out.
anon says
I would also guess that it’s because motherhood is more of a given and less of an option (with good and bad consequences to consider) for certain groups. Why would I spend my time worrying about whether it’s the right choice and regretting my decisions or not when it doesn’t seem like there is a choice to make? My mother got married at 21 after getting pregnant out of wedlock and I don’t think abortion was ever on the table. She frequently calls her children the best things that ever happened to her even though from my perspective she could have easily blamed us for being the reason she lost out on her other professional dreams and married a very poor husband.
momofthree says
I read that article, and understood the argument, but I’m also not sure we’ve gone too far in making motherhood seem hard.
Motherhood is hard. When I was thinking about becoming a mother for the first time 8 years ago, the difficulty of actually doing it was not really expressed anywhere clearly. I was not prepared.
Additionally, it felt a bit victim-blamey for her to suggest that the problem is upper-middle class women (profile of a lot of this readership) taking on too much & parenting too intensely. These are women with demanding jobs and little to no family support systems because they had to move away from their families so that they could get/ retain these jobs. These are also the people who got to the upper-middle class through hard work & hard jobs and have a great deal of stress that their children won’t have the same opportunities.
This feels like a system issue, and the problem isn’t that society is making motherhood out to be too hard; it’s that society is making motherhood too hard for vast swaths of the population.
Anon says
I think you’re kidding yourself to think upper middle class mothers work harder than other mothers.
anon says
Yeah, like…many of my mom (public school teacher)’s colleagues showed up at school at 7:30, taught all day, and then went to second jobs at Macy’s. They didn’t get home to their kids until the mall closed at 9 pm. They worked more and made far less than I do as a lawyer.
Anon says
Agree. Upper middle class mothers are just constantly fed the idea that they should be able to do and have everything. And motherhood involves so much sacrifice. There’s a real disconnect among classes in what people expect vs what they experience
Nope says
Other cultures think motherhood is hard too. That’s why mothers get so much help from their families and communities. We don’t do that here, and then we gaslight women about pointing out the unfairness of it all.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m just waiting for the Bommers who don’t help out their kids now with their grandkids to get older and complain that there aren’t enough young people to take care of them, and why didn’t people have more kids.
Anon says
I’m the Hanukkah grump from yesterday and am in a much better mood today :) We gave my 5 year old my old American Girl doll (Molly) last night. I wasn’t sure how it would be received because until this point she’s mostly preferred baby dolls over kid dolls, but omg she LOVED it and is taking such good care of it and she cried this morning when she had to say goodbye to the doll to go to school. It’s really magical to see my kid so excited about something that was a huge part of my childhood.
anonamama says
I adore this!!!! How special (..as my Samantha doll sits alone in a corner!!) Hope it continues to be magical and the rest of your Hanukkah is as well :)
Lily says
Love this!
I saved my Molly doll and she is in basically pristine condition, along with all her little things/furniture. I have let my older daughter (just turned 5) play with her but only under strict supervision, and my younger daughter doesn’t know about her yet. I feel really torn about how to handle giving her to my older daughter when she’s a bit older… will my younger daughter resent it? When my youngest is old enough I would of course buy her her own American Girl doll (preferably another historical one like Samantha). Or should I not pass Molly onto either of them, and buy them each their own new doll when they turn 6? I don’t feel like my 5 year old is responsible enough yet to play with Molly alone. But I am also protective of Molly because I took such good care of her as a 9 year old haha.
anon says
As someone with slightly older kids, I’d suggest getting them each their own AG doll that can be loved/abused while they’re little and holding your Molly until they are older.
My 10 yo is just now at a point where she would really cherish getting a toy that I had as a kid. I’d tuck it away for a bit longer until they can really appreciate it and play with it carefully.
Mary Moo Cow says
Aww! I really struggled with when to give up my dolls and had to do a lot of deep breathing and reminding myself that even though I see them as collectibles, they really are toys (special toys, but toys nonetheless.) DD6 undid Addy’s braid and I had to leave the room. :) Someone else routinely wears Samantha’s saves the day outfit and Kirsten has some unexplained ink smudges on her legs and I tell myself it’s fine. Both my girls enjoy playing with them and I get the same feeling of happiness watching them.