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Anon says
How do you build up the confidence to be entrepreneurial in your career? I’m a lawyer but I think this might apply more broadly; I fear I’ve fallen into the trap of focusing on being a very good lawyer, i.e. building my skills, more than relationships, networking, promoting myself. I am on the verge of a career change that will require me to spend time doing business development, and the prospect makes me very uncomfortable. I’m wondering if there’s a gendered aspect to his, like I hate asking people for money or being “pushy,” I’d rather just do good work and then assume people will flock to me for my abilities. But I know that’s not how it really works.
has anyone faced a similar challenge? Any books or other resources for overcoming?
anon says
As a client who spends many millions every year on external counsel, I’ll share that obvious pandering by external counsel makes me really uncomfortable. I hate fawning. On the other end, I really, really appreciate external counsel who follow emerging issues that are important to my company and make themselves experts, such as by presenting CLEs or drafting summaries. These folks are super valuable and the first person I call when I have a question.
IME, entrepreneurial activity based on substance may be more comfortable than other types of outreach, as well as being more successful.
AwayEmily says
Oof, I feel this (albeit in a very different field). Here is one thing I tell myself: if it’s not ME who’s doing the “pushing” it will be someone else much less qualified and bullsh*tty than me (who is probably a dude). For your potential clients’ sake, better you than him.
Anonymous says
This isn’t exactly what you are asking for but I’ve been struggling with building the confidence to apply for a stretch job and found a few episodes of The Art of Speaking Up podcast helpful. Caveats are that I find the host’s intonation somewhat counterproductive – she does that thing where the end of each sentence goes up so it sounds like a question, which really undercuts her message – and I think its fairly repetitive and geared toward pushing her coaching business. But I found some of the basic messages really helpful.
One other thing – I’m a fundraiser, so I have had to get somewhat comfortable with asking people for money. (I’m still much more comfortable doing it in writing than in person; this is part of what I am working on). One thing that helps me is remembering that giving people an opportunity to donate to a cause they believe in is giving them a chance to accomplish something THEY want. This isn’t just about me getting what I want, and I’m not forcing anyone to do anything. Obviously business development is somewhat different, but you would still be offering people a way to solve a problem that they can take or leave.
Good luck!
Anon says
Would it help you to reframe as it’s fine to find opportunities to help the people/orgs who need your service? Presumably there is demand somewhere for whatever you do – now is the time to find those people and help showcase what you know.
Seperately, I would not recommend joining random groups that you aren’t excited about with the goal of it turning into work. Unless you’re naturally extroverted or well-practiced in selling yourself, you are just not going to find ways to pitch your tax services while at yoga class if you don’t want to be there (for example). BUT getting involved in your community in ways that you are genuinely excited about is a great strategy to broaden your network – you’ll be happy and engaged, so when work comes up (as it inevitably does with people you like and see regularly), you’ll come across more naturally and successfully when talking about what you do.
Jeans says
In need of help with jeans. I’m an old Millennial and have been death gripping my skinny jeans. I’m a few months postpartum and need new jeans for this new v curvy body anyhow, so it’s time to explore other cuts.
I have zero interest in high waisted or cropped jeans. No frays. No hardware. I just want to look crisp and modern but not trendy?
Here is the thing, and it’s taking me a while to get here mentally: I really need to dress the body I have today and not the one I intend to get back to. I’m probably a size 16 right now. Just found a pair of black pants at Jcrew that fit me that are 18. My base line historically was 10. Always curvy and athletic, 5’8”, and I’ll get back to it, but that’s to what I’ve got now.
Brands? Cuts? Help? A wide leg trouser could be nice, but that’s all I’ve come up with and don’t know where to shop for that. TIA
anonamama says
I can relate! You may need to bite the bullet and try on a ton of different designers/styles. Sizes skew all over the map. But luckily, brands like Wit & Wisdom and Good American will meet you where you are! I had good luck trying on at Evereve, where I ended up with a pair of Good American, and Nordstrom where I was introduced to Wit & Wisdom. I also got a pair at Gap that I love. Some people have luck with Old Navy, but for me (5’7, also curvy, size 14/16) I like the stretch & Curve-friendliness of the other two. Good luck!
eh230 says
I agree with the recommendation to go to Evereve. I hate buying jeans because I can never find any that fit just right. Having someone guide me and picking out what they thought would work well for my body type was extremely helpful. It turns out that I was likely buying the wrong size. In any event, I found 2 pairs of jeans that I really like that I feel confident in.
Anonymous says
Really the best thing you can do is go to a store (like Nordstrom Rack, with a giant range of brands) and just try a bunch on, in a bunch of sizes and different cuts. Sizes are meaningless so try not focus on them- just on what looks and feels best. I am slowly transitioning away from my skinny jeans and got straight leg relaxed jeans- they look more current, but aren’t a huge difference in look from skinnies.
OP says
I struggle to find the size I need in stores TBH. And it’s so freaking demoralizing.
Anon says
The AYR Pop jeans might work for you. I am also an elder millennial and love them, plus they’re soft and comfortable.
Anonymous says
I don’t have any specific advice but wanted to offer some encouragement as a fellow elder millennial. Jeans are annoying. I have size 4, size 6, size 8 and size 10 jeans in my closet right now. They all fit me at various intervals (tbh I need to let go of the 4s). I still find myself reaching for skinny jeans some days. You do probably need to take a day if possible and go try on every jean in the mall. I’m short but curvy and I like these brands: American Eagle, Banana Republic, Abercrombie, BDG at Nord Rack, Madewell, and Mother Denim.
anon says
At a few months postpartum, I got Old Navy jeans because I knew my body was still changing. They were good enough and I had no qualms moving on if they stopped fitting properly as my body adjusted.
I usually look for a mid-to-not too high rise in a straight leg.
Anonymous says
+1.
The Old Navy High Waisted Wow in the “slim straight” or straight leg is where I landed. It’s not super high on me, but I am fairly tall.
Lydia says
obviously the goal is to be neutral to the number, etc, but just in case this is reassuring/helpful…black pants, especially jeans, often run a half to a full size small because of the way the dying process shrinks the fabric!
Lydiea says
Also would recommend BR Factory and Gap factory… I am currently really liking the Beau jeans from BRF (sort of a moderate girlfriend cut). Gap factory always has a lot of options as well. A lot of influencers seem to like madewell or abercrombie; I’d look at Sarah Sleeve or An Indigo Day for specific jean recs (Sarah Sleeve in particular is around your size and has very cute jeans frequently!)
Anon says
Talbots just because of the large range of sizes that they have online. Misses usually go up to 18, but they also have plus that starts at 14. You have to wade through some frumpy stuff, but they have wide legs and boot cut that I think are very nice.
busybee says
I am also an old millennial who is a few months postpartum! I just ordered a whole bunch of jeans to try at home from Bloomingdales and found a pair I like. It’s a straight cut, so I think that’s more current than skinny jeans? I also tend to think Bloomingdales carries on-trend styles so I figure if they’re selling it, it’s probably pretty “in.” I am not cool enough for wide leg or flared; I’ll leave that to gen z. I felt bad ordering and returning so many pairs but I don’t have time to shop in person and I did end up finding a pair I liked.
Anon says
Maybe try something like these: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/wit-and-wisdom-absolution-itty-bitty-bootcut-jeans-regular-petite-nordstrom-exclusive/4961480
AwayEmily says
If you don’t want to shop in person (I cannot STAND shopping in person; I feel like they never have the size/style combos I want) then I would recommend ordering a whole bunch from Old Navy (like 10 pairs — 5 styles, two sizes each). Their jeans are good quality for the price (I’ve had one pair for almost a decade) and they have a ton of fits.
Target (specifically Universal Thread) also works for this, though I find their selection is not quite as big.
anonM says
I got a few new pairs of jeans after LO #2, and once I let go of sizing, a new, cute pair made me feel really good! FWIW, my younger cousin is who much cooler/trendier than I am recommended Abercrombie for jeans.
Anon says
Bootcut and flares are the answer.
anon says
Late in the day but what worked for me was to do a stitchfix box and tell them to only send me jeans. I told them what I wore in other brands and they sent me ~4 pairs to try. I loved a few and ordered them directly to supplement.
Signed – mom of three under 6 and under
Anonymous says
I recently went jeans shopping and found my current best fit in Kohls – Gloria Vanderbilt Amanda classic in a 16Short.
Anonymous says
I can relate to this quite a bit and it’s one of the reasons I don’t want to be a partner but then I remind myself that I’d probably be a kick@ss partner and shouldn’t let that stuff hold me back. So many men play the game and they aren’t half as good and it’s infuriating. I’d try to reframe it as just making connections, introducing yourself, sharing your knowledge. People are drawn to that and it’s refreshing, you don’t have to change who you are to begin building relationships. One thing I can share is I’ve recently been on an in house stint short term and the number of unqualified outside counsel I’ve encountered is baffling. We go to them because they’re visible or have the relationships or whatever. So you need to put yourself out there so that we could give someone like you a shot, because once we do we wouldn’t go back to the other guys. This can be really natural in the form of just introducing yourself and what you do or some kind of news blurbs etc. I also heavily rely on legal updates from firms and if one was genuine, helpful, I’d consider that person in the future.
Homework with 2 Kids? says
How do y’all make it work to do homework with 2 (or more) kids? All at one table, separate rooms, same time, different time, one parent in charge or divide and conquer, etc.? What have you found works best?
I have 2 elementary kids who do homework; one has light daily work and one has light daily work but also occasional tests that require reviewing study guides/deeper study to review 2 weeks worth of assignments. DH does the bulk of the homework with her but I sometimes feel like I’m missing out or that he’s pulling more than his share. She also likes the security of people around but wants quiet to focus: so if there’s something I can do to coach her or make the best situation for her, I’m all ears.
Anon says
i have no clue but i’m dreading next year when my twins start getting HW and they’ll be fighting over who gets help from who first…. i think some of it depends on the age difference. i recall being in 4th grade when my sister was in 1st and so I usually did mine upstairs in the room that was my mom’s office, and she did hers downstairs bc she needed much more help.
Anon says
Obviously this varies by school and kid and may change as my kids get older, but we currently don’t help with daily homework for our first graders. If they want company they’ll do it at the dining room table while I’m cooking dinner, otherwise they do it in the living room (either lying on the floor or sitting at their desk), but it’s definitely not a kid + parent activity in my house. We’ll check worksheets before they turn them in to make sure they didn’t skip something, but other than that our only involvement is basically occasionally helping to decipher bad photocopies of pictures. The only real tests they have at this age are weekly spelling tests and the words are reviewed enough in school that we don’t need to help them review at home–I can see this definitely changing with older elem kids who have more involved tests. For the occasional more elaborate projects that require help we’ll split and do one parent with each kid, because having one parent help both at once is just chaos, but that happens maybe once or twice a year.
For your kid, noise cancelling headphones might help a lot with blocking out sound while still letting her sit in a busy part of the house, if she’s just reviewing on her own.
Anon says
I am generally of the mindset that homework is the kid’s responsibility, not the parents’. A parent shouldn’t really be helping all that much. I remind my children that they have homework to do, I help make an environment conducive to doing it (pencils available, different rooms) and I am present for questions. But I only check over the homework if they want me to, and I don’t hover.
It’s a little different if the assignment is reviewing spelling words or math facts or something like that, where having an adult read aloud while the child answers could be helpful. But even that should be like 10 min a night.
For bigger projects, yes I will sit and help them plan the materials they need and the steps they should take, but the actual doing is the kid’s job.
Also: I try to think through the point of the assignment. If we are stretched on time I will help out with the ancillary pieces (for example, if the work involves a lot of cutting out but the cutting is not the skill being practiced, I will sit there with scissors and help). But if an elementary school child is regularly spending an inordinate amount of time on homework, or can’t figure out how to do it on their own, that needs to be a convo with the teachers.
Anon says
Adding: so many of us were raised with a perfectionist mindset, and had parents who kind of directed our homework and projects so we would always be *right* and do a *great job*. My mom thought I should do my best on everything! That is really harmful to kids, and I’m trying to break those patterns. It’s better in my mind for a kid to take ownership, make mistakes, and have a correction come from the teacher (who is then more aware of weaknesses) than for parents to fix everything and the work be perfect. And if the child rushes and is sloppy and gets a poor mark, that’s a valuable learning experience. I’m not saying parents shouldn’t support, but it’s a fine line. Sometimes having a conversation afterwards is better than being too controlling from the outset.
(Honestly — and elementary might be a little young for this, but I have it in mind — it’s better to teach kids when to try their hardest and when to just get it done. Dr. Lisa recently called this in a podcast “how to effectively deploy your resources”; you can’t do it all, you don’t need to stress about being the best, you need to prioritize.)
Spirograph says
Oh man, “how to effectively deploy your resources” is something I STILL could use some help on. This is a great point.
CCLA says
That episode really stood out to me. My kids are younger (5 and 7) and I’ve worked on emphasizing they don’t need to get everything right, they just need to do their best. But wow did that “deploying resources” resonate, and I want to find ways to bring that into their lives – so far all I have is removing the “do your best” from our goals. I still struggle as an adult with when to put in the B- or C+ effort to just get it done rather than aiming for A+. Very much interested in instilling that understanding in them.
Anon says
This. Please take it from someone whose parents helped with homework too much: you’re doing your kids a huge disservice by helping them regularly. I mastered the substantive material and aced AP exams and got into a top college, but I didn’t learn good study habits because I always had my parents there to help, and I really struggled in college when I didn’t have them as accessible. This was mostly in high school, but I agree with the above comment that if an elementary age child regularly can’t do the homework on their own, a conversation with the teacher is warranted. There are also fewer consequences to not doing homework correctly in elementary school, so it’s a low stakes way for them to be less than perfect.
Anonymous says
I don’t remember my parents helping me much with my homework, but I still didn’t learn good study habits until I took organic chemistry in college. :) I got great grades all through high school with all-nighters to finish my papers and just kind of paying attention in class, glancing through my notes in the few minutes before a test, and mostly keeping up with required math homework.
Things my parents DID help with:
-My parents did a lot of math flash cards with me in early elementary. That was the days of speed tests and I wanted to be among the fastest in the class.
-My dad occasionally helped with higher-level math if I was stuck on a problem, but there was very little overlap in the venn diagram of times I didn’t understand something and times he was around to help.
-My mom went full editor-mode on any large writing assignments from 3rd grade until I graduated high school (she edited my sisters grad school papers, too! but I stopped asking after high school). Once I had a completed draft, we’d sit down and go through it together. I will 100% do this for my kids because it was so valuable (and I have a deep love of editing).
Anon says
There was definitely an element of that for me too, which is unavoidable. But, for example, I was really reluctant in college to go to office hours because when I’d taken college classes in high school and run into something hard, instead of telling me to go seek help from the professor, my parents (who were both professors in the area in which I was most accelerated) just helped me at home. On paper it was a “good” outcome because I learned the material and did very well on tests without their help, but it would have been much better for my academic development if they’d made me go talk to the professor who wasn’t in our family. I know this is a pretty extreme example and most parents couldn’t give this level of homework help even if they wanted to, but I do feel like many parents are too hands-on with homework help these days and it does kids a disservice in the long run, even if it has short term benefits.
Anon says
Yeah, our school explicitly asks parents not to help with homework, because it doesn’t let teachers get a good idea of how much kids are understanding the material or where they’re struggling. I think this is doubly true because we’re in an immersion school, so it’s important for the kids’ teachers to see if they have a reasonable grasp of the language, vs parents just using google translate.
Spirograph says
This. I don’t get involved with homework unless the kid asks. My kids only have math practice sheets and they’re supposed to read for 20 min a day (which they almost always do without my input).
My 5th grader is responsible for doing his homework when he gets home (while I’m still at work). I ask once or twice a week if he did it, if he has questions or needs help on anything, and he invariably says he’s done and doesn’t need help. I don’t verify. My 3rd grader is comparatively weak in math, and asks to do flashcards and for me to check her work occasionally, but she usually does her homework during aftercare and I guess the counselors help? My 2nd grader reminds me, “it’s optional,” every time I ask about his homework, and I don’t push it because I don’t understand the weird way he’s supposed to solve math problems anyway, and he knows his math facts cold.
I *do* make my kids do a page of their cursive practice workbooks every day (this is my own requirement, since our district doesn’t teach cursive), and also require and check in on progress for big optional-but-encouraged things like geography bowl or spelling bee prep packets. These are required to earn screen time. I don’t know usually when tests are until after the fact, unless the teacher emails about standardized testing.
anon says
In this a thing? Do parents do homework with kids? I cannot recall a single instance when a parent helped me with homework as a kid.
Waffles says
I never got help with homework from my parents either, but benign neglect is a generous description of my childhood.
These days, I find that different ages and different schools call for different responses. In early elementary, it was like, let them play, otherwise prepare to be shamed. Now, in upper elementary, it’s suddenly like, you’re not doing nearly enough to support your child’s development.
It’s probably kid-dependent, too. My kid has no problem handing in sloppy, incomplete work. She has been the recipient of unconditional love from attentive parents, what can I say.
Following this thread with interest.
OP says
We oversee homework with the younger child, to make sure it is done (but it’s usually something like, color in the box that says you read 15 minutes today or write down the vowels) and quiz on spelling words. With my older child, it’s overseeing, answering questions about unclear instructions, but also quizzing on spelling and helping her learn study skills. This is her first year of letter grades and first year of big projects/multi-week classroom units. For example: test on Friday on two weeks worth of classwork and teacher sent home to fill-in-the-blank study guides, so a parent asks her to get out the study guides, review the slide deck, do the fill-in-the-blank, and then reviews the answers. I’m not actually writing in the answers, but she definitely needs support in how to study and how to complete assignments when you don’t understand them and how to just get them done when you don’t want to do it.
Anon says
What ages are they? I really think you can do less helping! When there’s something a kid doesn’t know how to do, they’ll flag it and ask the teacher the next day. Admittedly I’m dealing with 2nd and 4th graders, but my kids teachers would definitely frown on it if we were helping them this much.
I’m okay with the consequence of my kid getting in trouble at school for not finishing homework. One of mine is definitely behind occasionally and I get notes about it and sign it and it’s fine. She’s a perfectionist. We may need to work on skills to hurry her up down the line but the teacher doesn’t think now’s the time.
anonM says
Yes, but as with all things it depends on the kid. I have to work with my DS, and some of it is personality some is adhd-related. DD is not yet in elementary, but I doubt I’ll have to help her at all. But she has a “I do it myself” attitude about everything, he still requires a lot more guidance. DD I anticipate will be happy to have me just sitting near her, but not interfering.
As to OP’s question, we aren’t fully there yet, but for the preschool/elementary ages we currently try to split duties – DH is supposed to do preschool, meaning emails, bedding, projects. I do elementary, which has been some homework, emails, random spirit days/bring in xyz supplies, etc. I’m hoping that may work moving forward, but tbh I’m worried about getting DS to actually do homework, so DH may have to help more there depending on who DS works better with. Trying for 50/50 perfectly every time is just too rigid for us, so we try to be more flexible without actually dropping any balls.
DLC says
My parents did not really help with homework, but then again, I did not get homework until I was in fourth or fifth grade. My parents did work with on memorizing multiplication tables, and other rote things, but never the assignments themselves.
I do help my first grader with homework, but there is a time limit- if it’s taking more than 30 minutes I tell him I’m done and he can continue on his own if he wants.
My sixth grader- may or may not have homework. It may or may not get done. I honestly have no clue- she won’t talk to me about it. . (I’m guessing she does what she needs to since her grades are fine.)
SC says
DH and I help our 2nd grader. I like to view it as scaffolding and teaching the skills he needs, where he doesn’t have the executive function skills to be responsible for it himself. He’s getting there. DS is supposed to read 20 minutes a day, has a spelling test every Friday, and has 2 packets of worksheets (math and ELA) that he receives on Mondays and has to turn in by Friday. He also has larger projects, including book reports and, right now, a sod house, which we help with. For the book reports, with each one, I’ve given him a little less input / steered him less each time, and the last time, I was really just a sounding board. For the sod house, we’re helping a lot–overall project management, figuring out household materials that are appropriate to use (no, we’re not cutting up my grandmother’s tablecloth!), and a few things like cutting doors and windows into the cardboad.
Anonymous says
My mom was always around to talk to if I got stuck in math or something like that. Usually that meant she’d sit with me while I reread the problem, suggest I go back and look at the chapter, listen to me puzzle it out loud etc. I think that’s a very appropriate level of help. My parents did not edit any of my essays (my dad was an English professor even). They did give support in reminding me to do homework in early elementary, and make a plan to get it done, until I developed the skills to do that myself. If I asked them to, they’d help with memory flash cards I made myself for languages or major exams (ie quizzing me with materials I made myself and asked for their help with).
Clementine says
Kid does his homework at the kitchen table. Here’s the thing – I tie it directly to screen time. I let him chill for 10 when he gets home but then it’s usually a page for 15 minutes of screens. I have to review it with him and I flat out make him erase and redo things if they’re messy/he was rushing just to get screens.
We had resistance for a while, but this is just a flat agreement. Kid gets a homework packet for the week and has learned that he can just sit down and do it and get screens vs. our prior threats/arguing/me forcing an angry kid to sit there.
We study for spelling throwing a ball or jumping on stepping stones at least once a week. It helps his brain to cement them.
Mary Moo Cow says
Yes, we’ve taken walks to review US government! DH also likes to take her for a hot chocolate and review. Getting moving and a change of scenery can help.
Anonymous says
My husband generally helps with day to day, and I help quiz for tests. It’s easier for one to help—if I swoop in and out, I don’t follow the new math they’re doing. And it seems math is the bulk of the homework where we are involved.
I have one kid who happily does their homework on their own. Only issue there is when it’s on the computer (which is often in higher elem/middle school), they’re prone to wandering onto YouTube. Therefore, they do homework at the dining room table or kitchen in the middle of the action. Husband just checks if asked and generally assists with executive function (oh, test is Thursday? Wednesday is sport event, you should study Tuesday, type stuff).
My other kid is just not a fan of homework. They need help, they hate it. It’s not hard, this is elementary school. They often get hands on assistance from my husband.
OP says
Thank you for saying that it is easier for one to help and reminding me that it can be counterproductive for one parent to swoop in and out because (that would be me) it takes time to catch up on the new way of doing math.
It also helps to hear that other kids hate homework even though it is easy. I have to bite that retort back a lot with my older kid.
Anonymous says
I think a lot of kids hate homework *because* it is easy and is just busy work.
Anon says
Our school asks that parents not help, so we don’t. Sometimes there’s a thing that needs to be downloaded or an ipad app they need to access that I’ll help with, or I’ve been helping my DD recently because she has a cast on her dominant hand so writing is laborious. This may change eventually but I’m not planning for it to. Sometimes they want company and sometimes they don’t.
ETA: even though we aren’t supposed to help, I will occasionally quiz on something in the car on the ride to school if they want. State capitols or things they’re trying to memorize. I don’t do this for like weekly tests or anything though – just one offs.
Anonymous says
I do not help with homework on a daily basis. I help with planning how to attack big assignments when the teacher has not provided guidance, review drafts of essays when my kid requests it (almost never), and scaffold study or problem-solving strategies when they get stuck. Even if your children have ADHD, the expectation should NOT be that a parent sits with them to do homework 100% of the time.
Anon says
How do you balance capping naptime when you’ve got a kid with a cold? My 2.5 year-old really needs her nap capped to two hours so she’ll go to bed at night at a reasonable time, usually around 745/8pm. She’ll easily go 3+ hours if you leave her but that means she is waking up at like 4:15pm, which isn’t ideal for bedtime. But now she’s got a cold and I feel heartless waking her up! If you wake your kids from a nap, what do you do when they are sick with a cold, but not horribly sick and have to stay home?
Anon says
Some kids sleep more when sick; mine sleep less! So if my sick kid was actually taking a good nap, I wouldn’t wake them, BUT I also expect that they may not be tired at regular bedtime and am flexible on that for the night. If keeping a strict bedtime is really important to you, maybe let her sleep an extra 15 min, then wake her
(My 2.5yo with suspected Covid just coughed himself awake after 40 min…)
Anon says
We cut my daughter off from napping at home when she was 3 (because it was messing with bedtime), but we make an exception for illness. If she’s sick enough to nap midday, it doesn’t interfere with nighttime sleep.
Anon says
If she is sick, let her sleep! She needs rest