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For a deep V-neckline, I love a Y-necklace like this one from Nadri.
This sparkling cubic zirconia necklace works for both daily wear and special occasions. Plated in 18k gold, the 16-inch length can be extended an additional two inches. Keep the rest of your outfit simple to let this necklace shine.
Nadri’s Gwen Y-Necklace is $195 at Nordstrom.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
Anon says
Do the hive have any advice TTC advice?
I’m 31 and we’ve been trying for about 7 months now. I know that’s still well within the range of normal, but my cycles have been very irregular since coming off the pill and I’m struggling with the feeling that it’s going to prove difficult for us.
I’ve had bloodwork and scans done to confirm that there’s no obvious PCOS/thyroid issues causing the irregular cycles but my GP (I’m not in the US) seems to have ground to a bit of a halt on any further investigations beyond continuing to try. I suppose I’m worried that our “trying” might not actually be being terribly effective due to an underlying issue and we’re just wasting time. My husband is very onboard with having kids but I can tell is struggling a little bit with the slightly unromantic impact on our gardening. I keep reading that I should relax and it will just happen, but I’m just not feeling very relaxed about it all.
Anon says
Sending good vibes—TTC can be so stressful! I tracked ovulation with HCG tests (cheap big box of Wondfo ones from @mazon) and Apple Watch, gardened every 2-3 days, and—the successful month—ate 2 Brazil nuts a day. The nuts were probably just chance but can’t hurt!
Anonymous says
Just in case you are still checking, get your husband checked too! We tried for almost a year before he got checked and it turned out he was on a medication infecting s* quality. Two months off that medication and I got pregnant. Was so mad at the wasted time- at the 6 month mark he said he would get checked but kept putting it off. It’s such an easy test for dudes compared to what women have to go through, you should absoultey cross it off.
Lala says
Good morning! Anyone want to paper doll me? I’m an elder millennial in a post kid fashion rut and and hoping the group can help me out! Size 14/16, petite, short waisted, formerly pear shaped but more apple shaped now with “winter” coloring. My style is classic and I used to have great capsule wardrobes pre pandemic and last pregnancy! Federal employee in the office 3x per week so mostly business casual to casual. My youngest is 3.5, I am no longer need to chase a toddler around but prefer easy care fabrics. I have a healthy budget for this so suggest away!
NLD in NYC says
No suggestions (different body type), but love “anyone want to paper doll me!” So cute, fellow elder millennial.
Anon says
I thought it was a cute phrasing too :)
anon says
I think Ann Taylor will be your friend. I say this as someone who is taller but otherwise shaped similarly. I also love love love the schoolboy sweater blazer from j crew factory for my govt job. That, with a pretty blouse underneath, is my go-to. I still prefer straight-leg or bootleg pants to anything super high-waisted.
anon says
Also, I am a big fan of the Forever Sweater from Banana Republic Factory. They look good alone or layered under a jacket.
Anonymous says
Most of my post-baby, easy-care workwear is from Talbots. I like the Soho 5-pocket ponte pants (they used to have a trouser, too, but it’s been MIA). Some of their stuff can be matronly, but I am 39 and I find a lot that works for me. I am not petite, but I know they have a good range of petites. They have different sales going all of the time, so watch the website!
Anonymous says
How should I go about hiring a company that will come to my dad’s house and install bathroom safety rails? I’m not local to him, but am traveling there next week. I think his shower is travertine so we may need professionals to drill into that. Anything else I should be thinking about in terms of senior-proofing his house (one story, no steps)?
Anon says
If you can’t find anything on G o o gle, I’d post in his town’s FB group and ask for a recommendation.
Redux says
What state is he in? There might be a state office of aging that could help with referrals or resources.
FVNC says
In case you can’t find someone in the short term to implement permanent fixtures, both my parents and in-laws have used the suction cup grab bars for their showers. They’re incredibly strong (like, my 6 year old hung on one and it didn’t budge). That could be a good interim solution.
Anonymous says
Thanks for this, I was pretty wary of those but good to know they are strong!
anonM says
A relative did elder home care for a long time. A few things I remember her talking about for long-term care are a walk-in tub/shower and wood floors (aka not carpet) for cases where an at-home nurse needs to use a lift (depends on the ailments/person’s size). I don’t think you need to do either next week or anything, but just some things to have on your radar as the aging process continues. Another issue I’ve heard about is preventing slips in general, whether that means adding more runners along walking paths, making sure they use slippers or socks with grippies, etc. And, of course, if you are not nearby, having a plan for who can check in in case you don’t hear from him/want to make sure he didn’t fall. Props to you for being proactive! It can really prevent a lot of problems long-term, but not everyone wants to confront these things, so good for you and your dad. Also, no steps is great.
Anonymous says
Older folks can start wearing a smartwatch with calling capabilities if they live alone and want to be able to call for help after a fall. I know of a story where the watch detected a stroke and called emergency services without the person needing to do it herself, as well.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Hi all. I’ll start off by saying I know this is not official medical advice and we will of course discuss with our pediatrician. For those of you with kids with ADHD, if you’re comfortable sharing, what medications have you found to be most helpful? Did it take a lot of trial and error and how did you know it was “working”? Specifically, a kid with a high IQ and ADHD, if applicable. I’m not looking to be talked into or out of any treatment options, just getting some thoughts from fellow moms.
Thanks all!
anon says
I have a high IQ + combined type ADHD early elementary girl who’s on Azstarys. I couldn’t find the first med the dr prescribed, Focalin, in stock anywhere, so Azstarys is the first one she’s actually taken, and she’s been on it for about a year now. She’s on the lowest dose, and I think might get added benefit if we tried the middle dose. But she’s always had issues with food (which I really should take her for an OT eval for, but we have a lot of miscellaneous medical issues that aren’t life threatening, but require lots of management, and I can only fight so many battles at one time), and has experienced the usual ADHD medication loss of appetite side effects, so don’t want to bump her up at the risk of making that worse since she seems to be benefiting enough at the current dose.
Anonymous says
Hi from a parent of two high IQ ADHD kids! Short answer, we’ve been doing lots of trial and error, but have found it is pretty obvious when something is working.
Kid 1 (combined but more hyperactive): Started with guanfacine, because we wanted to avoid stimulants (low BMI kid). After getting up to the max dose for her weight, it worked amazingly for about 6 months, then abruptly stopped working and we had a really rough few weeks. Decided to try stimulants after all and started with lisdexamfetamine dimesylate (based on what works for family members) which is working really well. We recently added the guanfacine back in to help smooth the evening where the stimulant wears off because she was too hyperactive to be able to focus on eating dinner. Overall, this combination is going great and for the first time she’s getting A’s in the soft skills at school (listening to teachers and peers, working with others, not getting physically violent when upset), whereas previously she only got A’s in academic subjects. We also see big differences at home, mainly in impulse control. The appetite suppressant component is pretty bad, though. We’re making it work by enhancing the calories of everything she consumes, but it’s definitely challenging to keep her from losing weight/rapidly dropping growth percentiles.
Kid 2 (combined by more inattentive): Is currently not on meds because we can’t find anything that works. Guanfacine and atomoxetine had no effect. Lisdexamfetamine dimesylate helped with some of the symptoms (could focus on what adults/peers were saying, got less overwhelmed by decisions) but it also gave her really bad anxiety (a known side effect), so we stopped that and she’s currently unmedicated while we consider other options.
Anonymous says
As an ADHD with adult, I get ravenous when the medication wears off – which is like 11pm for me. I keep protein shakes and granola bars in my nightstand. Otherwise I go to the kitchen to get something and get distracted. I sleep when I’m not hungry at bedtime.
SC says
My son takes a stimulant for ADHD, plus several other medications that are increasingly being prescribed off label as complementary to the stimulant. For some background, my son has had sensory sensitivities since he was an infant (though we didn’t know what we were dealing with then), and he’s had issues with emotional regulation and impulsivity that were more than typical for his age since he was in daycare. He’s done occupational therapy, individual therapy, and play therapy since he was 3. He attended a private school for kids with exceptionalities for 3 years, and now is in a private school with small classes and the right amount of structure for him. We started medication around age 5, and it’s been trial and error, but it’s been necessary for him to even be able to attend school and keep other students safe.
Of the stimulants, Adderall has worked the best, but we had too many problems with stock. He’s now on Focalin, which works and is reliably in stock (within a couple of days at least) at our local pharmacy. He also takes guanfacine and amantadine. Of those three, we tried the amantadine last because it’s less accepted for ADHD, and our psychiatrist said it only works for some people. The amantadine has been a godsend.
We have had a lot of trial and error. Some of those were due to issues in stock and finding an alternative to Adderall. We learned that Vyvanse made him very hyper–like running laps around the playground while the school counselor babysat him until my husband picked him up from school. One medication increased his aggressive behavior. We tried Strattera because my husband did really well on it. It seemed like things were going great on Strattera, and then my son experienced some suicidal thoughts/ impulses, so (of course) we discontinued that immediately.
All this was complicated by another medical issue, which I won’t go into. But our insurance denied the very expensive drugs to treat that condition. When I changed jobs and changed health insurance companies, we were able to treat that medical condition. I think our son just felt better, ate better, and slept better, and his emotional regulation improved, and some of the ADHD/ impulsivity behaviors decreased.
Anonymous says
We worked with a psychiatry practice and we took the option to do genetic testing — just a quick cheek swab — instead of trial and error. The doctor got a full report on which medications would likely work best and in which dosage. We started with the recommended one and a month in, it seems to be going well so far. Reports of behavior challenges at school and aftercare have significantly dropped off, in any case. I was just talking with the aftercare director yesterday because we have a follow up appointment with the doctor later this week, and it sounds like the medication wears off around 5-5:30, which is exactly when we want it to wear off so it doesn’t interfere with dinner and evening sports practice. I don’t remember which medicine we ended up with, maybe Vyvanse? I’m fairly certain it’s not Ritalin.
Anonymous says
My smart ADHD (inattentive) third grade girl takes Focalin – the 10 MG dose. She started at 5 MG and worked up to 10 in second grade. It is the best fit. She’s not hungry at lunch, but is ravenous when she gets home from aftercare. On Focalin, she does well both academically and behaviorally. She’s a loner that prefers to be by herself or talk to adults, but we also have her in a social skills group after school. Focalin is hard to find and we have to call several pharmacies at the monthly refill time.
We tried Adderall as an alternative, but she said she felt weird when she took it. She was also angry/more agitated than usual, so we stopped after a 10 day trial.
Traveling with Kids says
We are about to embark on our first plane travel as a family of 5 (kids are 4.5, almost 2, and 4 months) to a beach destination. I very much recognize my husband and I are not truly vacationing, and will be leaning into screen time and snacks for the flight, but wondering if any of you wise women have any tried and true travel hacks to share to make this trip smooth and more pleasant for all? Thanks for your advice!
anon says
I’m a fan of bringing carseats on the plane for the younger two. I love the Britax CarSeat Travel Cart for the almost 2yr old, you essentially hook-up your carseat to the cart and pull it around like luggage.
–Would baby-wear the baby in the airport but put them in the carseat carrier during the flight, if you bought him a seat. If you didn’t buy him a seat always ask if there’s any open.
–Bring headphones for everyone and ear-protection for the baby if you can, always helpful.
–I would check everything except backpacks for the plane. Re: backpacts – I use gallon size bags to organize the kids stuff, so snacks in one, toys in another and extra clothes in a 3rd.
Anonymous says
No real advice but I have found that when I go into it prepared with the mentality that this is just doing life in a different place, I usually have a pretty good time. That’s not to say everyone behaves on the plane or sleeps through the night, but just the reframe is helpful in managing my expectations I guess. Take tons of photos! I hope you have a great time.
Anon says
+1 to the first sentence.
Opinions differ on this, but if it were me I’d want to trade off with my husband a bit so we each had some time with only the baby, which should be pretty relaxing.
Anon says
I like this reframe. I think that if you go into situations expecting everything to be awful or at least difficult, the anxiety can change the course of the day in a negative way.
Anonymous says
Most important: pick your seats ahead of time even if it means paying for them
Medium important: do not over pack. Check everything you can, do not bring everything anyone suggests on the plane. It doesn’t help if you can’t find it in a massive bag.
Low important: know when and how the adults are caffinating
Anonymous says
I always baby wear on flights. They will make you remove/unbuckle the arm straps for take off but I just pop my arms back in once in the air.
Be prepared for the fact that air pressure changes may make kids poop. My babies always pooped shortly after take off or landing.
Don’t drag the whole diaper bag to the bathroom. Just take a large ziploc with diaper, extra onesie, change pad and pack of wipes.
Extra shirt for you and hubby in case someone spills/pukes on you.
Anonymous says
Note – I don’t have three kids, so not sure the logistics of this would work. However, for plane trips and specifically boarding the plane, my husband boards alone, during our official boarding group, with the car seats. He sets up the car seats, wipes down stuff with a Clorox wipe; etc. then, I board DEAD LAST with kids. We have found that this way, we can squeeze in one more potty trip, getting to get a little more energy out, fill up the water bottles, and we’re not blocking everyone else from boarding standing in the aisle while also putting car seats in. It’s also less time that kids are strapped in the seats. YMMV
Anon says
We do this too. I’ve always wondered who would benefit from early boarding with their kids … if you’re going to have to white-knuckle it through every minute of a flight with a 2-year-old, don’t you want to spend the fewest possible minutes on the actual plane?
We usually keep a stroller with us in the airport to help carry bags and gatecheck for free when boarding. I’ve seen some families use a foldable wagon for kids / luggage in the airport as well – never tried it, might work well for a larger family.
Check everything you can – you will need both hands for the kids. Bring on a backpack with snacks, screens, changes of clothes, diapers. That’s it. Change of shirt for mom and dad too – my kids saved their biggest blowouts for the plane. yay ….
Painters tape / stickers will be hours of entertainment for the middle one.
Anon says
It’s useful when you’re traveling alone with kid(s) so you have time to get all the stuff put away and carseats installed if necessary. Flight attendants can also be more attentive during that time because there aren’t many other passengers on board (especially if you pre-board before first class, which same airlines allow with kids 2 and under). I agree if there are two adults and kids under 5ish, the ideal scenario is one pre-boarding to get all the stuff situated, and the other getting on later with the kids.
anonm says
My 4 and 6yo are lovingggg audio books right now. If you have a player of some kind, I’d bring that or at least put some on a spotify playlist. We find them really calming for car rides. I also love painter’s tape, would be good for the 2yo. Definitely bring what will help you be comfortable, including your own drinks/snacks. (I remember being so hungry on a flight with the kids….won’t repeat that mistake!). I think 2yo may be the hardest on flights – I’d grab some “new” toys from dollar store/your basement/a friend/resale and “wrap” in tissue paper as flight backups. The novelty may capture their attention longer. Also, for wherever you are staying, just spend the money if you get there and realize you really need a baby gate for the 2yo so you can at least leave the room for a minute or whatever.
Anon says
i read this on this site 5+ years ago, but bring 1 diaper per diaper wearer for hour of travel (not just the flight time – you want extra just in case your flight is delayed), also if formula feeding baby make sure you bring extra. and wipes and changes of clothes for everyone. all the snacks – more than you think you’d need.
Anonymous says
Yes – bring enough with you to get through 12- 24 hrs. We have one wheeled carry on that is our ‘if everything goes wrong bag’ – extra clothes for adults, vaccum sealed diapers (to save space), extra snacks etc.
Anonymous says
Yes! Many airports don’t sell diapers or formula (which seems incredibly stupid to me, but okay…), so I brought MANY more than I expected to need in case of delays/blowouts/etc.
Anon says
Caveat that I only have one kid, but I traveled with her solo at all of those ages and I found that I needed minimal in-flight entertainment until about the age of 3. I know that even with a second adult you’ll have your hands more full than I did, but the baby will likely just conk out and the normal sights and sounds of an airplane are likely to be super entertaining to the almost 2 year old. Definitely bring a tablet for the 4 year old. I agree on bringing carseats for the younger two.
anon says
We only have 1 (3.5 yo now), but we fly quite a bit with my husband’s family across the country and actual vacations.
We have an umbrella stroller and a Cosco car seat just for the plane. We preboard, get the car seat settled, get the kid a screen and wait. I agree with the suggestion below to try to get husband to board and get luggage put away and car seats installed and then come with kids at the end. We’ve never tried it just because my kid would lose his mind if he didn’t get to go on the exciting airplane asap
Kid gets unlimited screentime on the plane. I download videos to his fire tablet the night before in the event that there aren’t seatback screens. I always bring a ton of snacks and usually a few small pieces of candy. Water wow books are helpful. Before kid was into screens, I brought playdough and crayons which was a huge mistake. Playdough got crumbled everywhere and crayons kept rolling off the tray table.
2 hour flights are about as long as he can stand before he gets really fidgety unless it coincides with naptime.
Anonymous says
If you use a Kindle Fire, make sure it is TURNED ON before you leave the ground. I once downloaded everything a couple of days in advance and turned them off to save the battery. When I tried to turn them on at 10,000 feet, they couldn’t boot up without the internet.
That flight sucked.
Anonymous says
*Pack snacks that take a longer time to eat (think goldfish, not granola bar)
*Check everything that you can
*Bring spare clothes for everyone including you and your husband in your backpacks for the flight (I’ve done a trans-Atlantic flight covered in baby poop… not fun)
*4yo is old enough for tablet games, and some of them might work for 4yo and 2yo to do together? That has worked well for my kids when they were those ages as a way to break up the video time, especially because they like doing things together
*Sticker books are your friend
*Check on what beach toys are available at your destination, and supplement accordingly. Inflatable stuff and shovels don’t take up much space in checked bags.
*If your kids nap, you might end up doing two beach/ pool rounds per day and could need two bathing suits per day
Anon says
AITA for not “giving grace” when my husband asked me for it?
Here’s the background: my husband and I bought a second car when we left the city several years ago. I did all the legwork, researching what we wanted, pricing, calling dealerships, setting up test drives, negotiating, etc. for a used car– a small SUV which was going to be my main car (he would mostly keep using the other one). The very week we brought it home, he ripped a huge snag in the dashboard by loading a piece of wood in through the hatch back without measuring or protecting the interior (there is also a snag in the seat fabric), and a couple months later, was hauling material in the back that spilled causing a giant permanent stain in the fabric and a smell that I can still detect on a hot day some 7 years later. We talked about how this new car was not in fact a truck, and that if we/he needed/wanted a truck, we should buy one, which we agreed was not practical for the rest of our lives (the hauling of wood and material was for a project– an occasional personal hobby, not a job).
Fast forward to now: we bought a new SUV a year ago. We now have two SUVs. The old one is mostly his and the new one is mostly mine. It was very expensive– at the tip top of our budget, but we have been driving old cars for our whole lives and this felt like a splurge. When we got it a few months ago we agreed in no uncertain terms that he would not use this car to haul $#!+. I am sure I told him: If you junk up this car immediately I am going to flip. You can guess what happened. We swapped cars yesterday because he was taking the new one for an inspection. When I got home from work last night he said very seriously, “I am asking for grace. I used the car to haul xyz and it spilled in the back. I’ve been working all day to get the smell/stain out.” I said “are you kidding me?! We agreed you wouldnt use this car for that!” and he goes, “I asked for grace.” Which apparently he thinks means that I cannot be upset? He took the car again today I hope to get it professionally cleaned, but now I am doubly upset (1) that he broke our agreement and may have messed up the new, very expensive car for a hobby that he 100% did not have to do the day he was driving the new car (whyyyyyyy) and (2) that he thinks he can control my reaction by asking for “grace” like some kind of manipulative trump card.
In the end, it’s just a car and we will move on. But I do think he’s flipping the script to make me the A when he messed up.
anonamommy says
Ohhh in your shoes I would be livid. I would also try to give him grace, but also he needs to earn the grace? I’d let him work to get the car back to good condition, whether that’s a detail or a thorough cleaning.
Is this a pattern, where you have an agreement on something and then he finds it easier to ask for forgiveness than permission?
OP says
Not a pattern, luckily, though I suppose this makes it one? And not to be too cynical, but who knows how many times he’s done this or something like it and hasnt come clean because it worked out fine.
Chl says
Well, I guess Grace in the sense of ‘undeserved favor’ is appropriate here because he can ask but certainly doesn’t deserve it. I think you’re right to be pissed off tor a while and then you’ll probably forgive him eventually unless you want to let it ruin your marriage (exaggerating- you’ve given no sign of this. )But if it were me I’d be super annoyed and let him know if and i think it’s annoying that he would expect no consequence for his action. Luckily we are perfect so we never have to ask for Grace :)
Anon says
I think you gave him grace when he messed up the first car, and then you very sensibly set reasonable boundaries about use of the new car. He doesn’t get “grace” for ignoring your clearly communicated and appropriate boundaries. Instead he gets the consequences of his choice, which for me here would be no longer being able to use the new car and you being very upset with him.
Giving grace is about forgiving human error and occasional mistakes/ill thought through moments (like the first time around with the car). Not a device by which you can continually ignore your spouse, disrespect their property and expect them to be fine about it. I’d expect my spouse in the same position to be groveling.
Anonymous says
To me grace involves a response to someone who is genuinely and deeply sorry for how they have wronged you. The spilling was an accident – you can give grace for that. The deceit is what would really bother me. I’m not hearing that he is sorry for that. If he hadn’t spilled and been ‘caught’, would he have even told you. It would have been so easy for him to pop you a text and say ‘I know our deal is xyz but for reasons abc I really need to do this today. Are you comfortable with that or what can I do to make you more comfortable like purchasing an additional larger closed tub to transport thing in’
I would be upset by the fact that he feels ‘grace’ is some kind of get out of jail free card where he does not have to acknowledge and atone for the scope of the harm. It’s like not just getting the smell out of the car, it’s the flowers or bath bombs or your fav wine to acknowledge the impact of the stress of the whole situation on you.
OP says
And the fact that he asked for “grace”– which is new, i have never heard him say those words before– tells me that he knows this is bigger than just the spill. You are so right that he could have asked, but realistically I would have said absolutely not, do it tomorrow in your car. He knows that, too.
Anonymous says
Absolutely not. “No Jim, I’m not giving you grace. I gave you grace for the last 7 years. You knew you weren’t supposed to use my car for this and decided to be selfish. I don’t care what you need to do to get this fixed. Take it to be detailed, take it to the dealer, I do not want to hear one more word about you needing grace or how expensive this will be, I expect it taken care of professionally, properly, and promptly.”
Anonymous says
I try to avoid using the word ‘upset’ when dealing with my husband. He hears it as ‘mad’ or ‘angry’ when many times I mean it as ‘hurt’. Not that I can’t be mad or angry at him from time to time but I just find it better to be more specific. In your situation I would be sad and hurt and disappointed that he was not honest about how he was going to use the vehicle. Maybe try to reframe it away from this ‘grace’ issue?
OP says
This is good advice as I am really hung up on the “grace” thing. It feels so manipulative and really not like him.
Anon says
“Giving grace” WTF does that even mean? I feel like that isn’t something he gets to ask for. “Grace” is one of those things that is given, not asked for.
I am so mad on your behalf – I am just an internet stranger, but it seems to me like this isn’t about the car.
OP says
Right?! I feel like he is weaponizing the word “grace” to absolve him of having to apologize or make it better AND controlling my response. This is not like him– he is not a manipulative person at all, so part of this whiplash is that I am so surprised by this and dont know what to do with it.
Anon says
If this is not his norm, I’d just tell him that it bugged you – could be something he randomly heard somewhere. You have every right to be mad because he really messed up, but I wouldn’t jump to assuming he’s trying to manipulate you
Anon says
I would be really upset, too, mostly that he broke your agreement. As you mentioned it’s a car, and you’ll move on because I’m sure you don’t want to hold a grudge forever (that would sap your energy and punish you more than him) but take some time to be angry because that’s annoying.
Mistakes happen, but it’s so frustrating when they keep happening and when it seems to be carelessness. My husband has left multiple important items on the commuter train in the last year, including a car key and spare wallet of gift cards. Most recently it was his iPhone. But I’m not going to kick him when he’s down, and we can replace the things and move on. I guess to your husband’s credit, it seems he knows he messed up and has been trying to fix it. Some people have to unfortunately learn the hard way
OP says
Very true, just stinks that there are externalities to learning the hard way.
SC says
“Mistakes happen, but it’s so frustrating when they keep happening and when it seems to be carelessness.” We’ve been trying to teach our 8 year old the difference between his go-to defense of “I wasn’t trying to!” and “I was trying not to.” Basically, we’re trying to teach him to be aware of the likely consequences of his decisions, whether he intends those consequences or not. It sounds like OP’s husband was not taking care to avoid potential, if not likely, consequence of spilling this stuff in OP’s car, despite previous experience and their agreement. That would bug me too.
The “grace” thing does sound manipulative and annoying, but since it sounds like it’s not typical behavior, maybe a conversation where you explain how it feels to you will work.
Anonymous says
Is this the only time he’s broken the rule or the only time he’s gotten caught because something got damaged/ spilled? There’s an honesty or trust element there. It seems like he disagreed with a joint decision and then went behind your back That is what would bother me. Not the spill itself.
anonM says
+1. My DH sometimes will agree with me out loud, but I’ll later realize he didn’t actually agree at all. It happens and no one is perfect, but we’ve talked about how I’d rather just know up front that you disagree than think we are on the same page and you do whatever. Thankfully your specific issue isn’t safety, but I would at least say look, grace over the spill is one thing, but we need to have better communication/respect and I’m not sure which it was here but let’s talk about that. (Like, did he think your rule was overly cautious from the get-go, or did he just get impulsive when a rental truck wasn’t available or something?)
FWIW, DH also put some visible marks in my car with project materials (my car was not a splurge and I knew he was going to transport materials, so not the same sting). I also left the kids’ crayons on the front seat, leaving a very colorful stain I couldn’t remove. Yes, we gave each other “grace” I guess over the damage and didn’t rub it in to each other. But the underlying communication I’d still address.
anon says
Oh, I would be LIVID. I mean, LIVID. My husband did the same thing with our brand-new minivan and a piece of lumber and I was PISSED. Like, what were you thinking? Had he taken the time to drape a towel over the dashboard, it could’ve been prevented.
OP says
What’s long-suffering about this particular mistake that you and I have both endured is that it’s SO VISIBLE. Like every single time I get in the car I look at that long snag in the dash and think of that idiot move. Every. Single. Time. It may have been hard to forgive but it’s impossible to forget.
Anonymous says
In your shoes I would: figure out what I need to do to get over this. Maybe go for a run, maybe have dinner with a friend and vent, whatever takes the emotion out of it. Then I would address it with my spouse. “Hey I’m upset about the spill in my new car, but more than that, I’m upset that we agreed you wouldn’t use my car for this, and then you did. When you didn’t need to. And you didn’t even ask me.” And then let him respond. And finally, whatever his response, to me giving grace means you don’t hold this over him. Don’t bring it up again. Now…If he refuses to talk about it I would argue that that’s not grace: what he’s asking for is a free pass and that ain’t gonna happen from me bud because you violated both spoken (don’t use my car for this) and unspoken (don’t trash your spouse’s stuff) agreements we made together. So that’s a different conversation.
OOO says
The first words out of his mouth should have been “I’m sorry”, not “Give me grace”!
Spirograph says
This. OP, in your position I’d also be livid for exactly the same reasons. It feels very disrespectful: he paid lip service but didn’t actually think your (reasonable!) wants / honoring his commitment not to haul things in the new car mattered more than his convenience. The “grace” wording is cringey to me, it’s like the opposite of accepting responsibility. This internet stranger gives you permission to seethe for a while.
test run says
+1,000 – this is also something I would expect my spouse to offer to fix in its entirety (as another commenter mentioned – taking it to the dealer, having it completely reupholstered, whatever it takes!) out of his own funds. That may not apply for folks who fully combine finances, but even in that case, maybe it comes out of some $ he was planning on using for his hobby? This is also how I would respond if I was the person who caused the issue. Own up fully to being a jerk and not following the agreed upon rule and then promise to revert the car back to its previous stay with as little disruption to them as possible! I would give my spouse grace in the sense that they’re a human being and will inevitably do dumb stuff and I’m not going to lord it over them forever – but it’s not a hall pass to avoid any and all consequences.
Anon says
Yes, where was the “I’m sorry, I messed up and made a mistake” in this discussion? I’d be more upset that he wasn’t immediately apologizing about this than the actual damage to the car. I can be forgiving and give grace to someone that made a mistake, owned up to it, and was apologetic.
Anonymous says
I’ll be the dissenter and say it’s just a car and you shouldn’t have bought a car at the tippy top of your budget (which is a waste of money, in my opinion but we’re generally wealthy people who still buy used cars because material crap just doesn’t matter). He shouldn’t have done it, he’s trying to get it professionally cleaned. Yeh I’d be mad but staying mad isn’t going to un-do the spill. It’s not like he cheated or gambled away your mortgage.
Anonymous says
Congrats on the sanctimony