This post may contain affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Like many of my friends and acquaintances, I could probably write an essay about my breastfeeding “journey.” Even though I read a lot about it before having a baby, I think I still underestimated how much it could sometimes just plain HURT. Because I had supply issues right from the start, my baby stayed latched for a long time, which led to a lot of nipple pain — mostly of the stinging and burning variety. Even though I passed these by on my first shopping go-round, I remembered them postpartum and ordered them, and they helped so much! A big thank you to the internet stranger who recommended that I put them in the fridge in between uses. They not only cool and soothe but also provide a barrier between your skin and your bra/shirt/anything that touches your skin that now feels like sandpaper on your poor boobs. A set of 2 is $9.59 at Amazon. Lansinoh Soothies Gel Nursing Pads Psst: Looking for more info about nursing clothes for working moms, or tips for pumping at the office? We’ve got them both… This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
Click here to see our top posts!
And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Acitivities with a 9 months old says
My little one is nine months and it feels like time is flying by. I work full time, but have maybe 2 hours a day (and more on the weekends) I could spend on quality time to create nice and memorable moments. I don’t want it to be all business as usual. I do read books, play peekaboo, and the like. But beyond that, I am at a loss and looking for inspiration. What do you do with your not-yet-toddlers?
J says
Time outside is a big hit at that age. Walks, parks, baby swings, crawling around the grass.
Anon says
Babies like cause and effect. So put blocks in a bucket one by one, making a silly sound when they hit the bottom, then dump them out and laugh at the mess. And repeat. Get one of those baby puzzles and do the same thing. Or create your own band instruments by putting a ball in a tupperware with a lid, and let the baby shake it. Find suction-cup toys and stick them to a wall or window or high chair tray and let her try to pull them off.
If she is mobile, create a baby obstacle course – give her a variety of things to crawl under or through or pull up on. Like, put a blanket over the space between the couch and coffee table, and crawl through the “tunnel”. Shake a rattle and have her crawl across a blanket. And prop a stuffy up on the edge of a couch so she’s motivated to pull up and reach for it.
And narrate everything, anything all day long. Pretend to have a conversation with her, where any response from her is an answer. “What would you like for dinner, Baby?” (ba!) “Oh, noodles it is! Great pick! Would you like butter and parmesan on those?” (smile with eye contact) “Yes I knew you’d want butter! This is going to be yummy!”
avocado says
When I think back to the baby days, I realize that most of the memorable moments were everyday ones. Blowing bubbles, trying new foods, splashing in the baby pool, singing songs and playing silly little games I made up to go along with them, reading books, long walks with the stroller, swinging at the park, grocery shopping, banging on pots and pans, building block towers, that time she pulled up on the edge of the coffee table and “danced” to the music we had on in the background. As Anon points out, narration and one-sided conversation are critical. The wonderful thing about babies and little kids is that everything is new and exciting to them, so it’s easy to make ordinary activities that seem mundane to you into a great adventure for both of you just by talking to them and involving them in what you’re doing.
AIMS says
I agree with this. One thing that does come to mind is baths. My kid really took to baths and bath toys around that time so maybe that’s something you can do after work to create a nice little bonding ritual. Add in massage, etc. Also, she liked playing hiding games where you, e.g., hide a toy or book or whatever behind a cushion or blanket, etc.
Cb says
My husband does baths and they have loads of fun. I may have purged the bath toys after those news reports though.
AIMS says
Mold? I just try to buy toys that avoid the issue – rubber duckies without any holes, little pour over cups and buckets I can throw in the dishwasher or wash with soap, etc. The only deviation is for the little swimming penguin that you can wind up because it’s just too cute but I figure we can recycle it when it starts to get moldy.
Anonymous says
A soak in diluted bleach works wonders for mold.
rosie says
We have a wind up lobster and discovered that you can fully disassemble it (screwdriver required) to soak in diluted bleach–discovered when trying to salvage after poop-in-tub incident
Pogo says
My favorite “activity” is dinner when he’s in his high chair and I have a glass of wine and a snack (I can’t get adult dinner ready before his bedtime, sorry not sorry). I do a lot of the one sided conversation as stated above: “Ooo you like the peas? What are you going to have next? Oh, the carrots, good call.” I also ask him about his day (“Did you have fun outside with [babysitter and little daycare friends]?”) and like Cb get a lot of mileage looking for kitty, talking to kitty, chasing kitty…
I also like to let him do his own thing and discover stuff, even though it feels like I’m not “interacting”. Yesterday he became fascinated with opening and closing the door on this toy and did it over and over again. I didn’t want to interrupt him because he was so focused!
Knope says
Hahaha this is my life with my 13 month old, every letter of it.
Cb says
Have you subscribed to the Pathways newsletter? It sends weekly ideas for play and is quite cool.
Favorite activities for my nearly 9 month old – sitting at the window and waving at anyone who walks by, taking toys out of the toy box and placing them in another box, meowing at the cat (my kid’s can’t talk but he can do an uncanny cat impression), saying ‘where’s kitty or where’s daddy?’ and letting him look around to find them, sitting in the garden, visiting the baby in the mirror, and watching the front-loading washer spin. I also put him on the floor or high chair while I’m cooking and narrate my cooking as if I’m in a cooking show (and give him tastes of things).
Evenings are tough though – it is hard to get baby and adults fed, pump and bottles cleaned, chores done. I have Wednesdays off and try and pack some fun stuff into that day.
Anonymouse says
Link to this newsletter? I googled and there are so many Pathways … but not immediately seeing this one. Thanks!
H says
When my LO was that age, I took him for a walk in the stroller everyday. He could sit forward facing and see everything and I tried to talk to him to point out stuff: dogs, airplanes, wind blowing the trees, etc. I’d also lay out a blanket in the yard for him.
SC says
+1 that things that seem mundane to us can be a big adventure. Around your LO’s age, we started involving Kiddo in the grocery shopping. In addition to narrating the whole process, we’d hold up a piece of produce, name it, let him smell and feel it (if safe and not too messy), and let him “help” us drop it in the bag or grocery cart.
At home, we’d also let him smell spices out of the spice cabinet, which later became one of his favorite activities.
Anonymous says
You just brought back my childhood memory of sniffing all the spices…made me smile. Thank you!
lsw says
Love both of these and look forward to trying! Thank you!
GCA says
At that age, we did a lot of stroller runs/ walks and I talked to LO all the time about everything he was attending to. I wish I’d recorded more of the silly songs I made up for him – we still do this and it cracks him up, plus now he joins in at making up new silly lyrics to familiar tunes.
NewMomAnon says
Honestly, I threw my kiddo in a structured carrier and went about daily life at 9 months. I’m not really a baby person, and the idea of making memories with a nonverbal lump of baby wasn’t a thing for me. And now she’s 4! And hilarious, and we have memorable things happen all the time! Like theater, and travel, and camping, and interesting conversations about the world. I don’t think you need to force it at this age; it will come naturally soon enough.
Anonymous says
thank you for this. the above replies made me feel like a horrible parent.
ElisaR says
me too!
Anonymous says
Heh, I actually consider myself a baby person and I still basically just went about my day. I did spend a lot of time just SNUGGLING my little ones, mostly while they were sleeping. Agree that you don’t need to do a ton or force it. And toddlers are awesome little bundles of joy but 4 is my favorite, favorite, favorite age.
Anon says
Yes, thanks for this! We have twins and both work full-time and I feel like we’re mostly in survival mode.
Anonymous says
If you’re at all interested in Montessori, the mom over at How We Montessori (dot) typepad (dot) com has an 8 month old. (And two older kids.) She posts a lot about what kids who are sitting can do, what she’s introducing, non-toy treasure baskets. It’s less about engaging your kid as it is about introducing, inviting and observing your kid.
It’s also pretty low pressure as far as Montessori goes.
Acitivities with a 9 months old says
Thank you all so much, I will check out the links and maybe add more outside play and more playful bath time! I am big baby person and do already most of what you mentioned :), but felt like this might not be “enough” – not so much for the baby, but for me looking back because all I do feels so “normal”. But I guess the answer here is to just shut down the unjustified Mom guilt…
AIMS says
Maybe I am late to the party but I had no idea this existed so wanted to share: LL Bean makes an insert for its tote bags to turn them into diaper bags. I prefer a big tote over a traditional diaper bag anyway, but this seems like a genius way to get a bit more organized and still maintain some versatility with your diaper bag. I may even want this for myself in the green – always nice when the patterns/colors are not your standard issue baby stuff.
https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/116099?page=diaper-tote-insert&bc=50-516672-677&feat=677-GN3&csp=f
AwayEmily says
oh cool!
Pogo says
That’s fun! I got an LLBean tote monogrammed for baby Pogo’s daycare bag. I somehow didn’t see these inserts!
AwayEmily says
These nursing pads totally saved me with my first newborn. Then I ordered a bunch for in preparation for my second baby and ended up having no pain and using none of them. So, definitely wait until AFTER the baby comes to see if you need them! (I also bought several tubes of lanolin, which I am now using as lip balm…lesson learned).
lala says
This was my experience as well. I LOVED them with my first, and didn’t need them with my second.
Katala says
Haha, +1 on all of this. I have a giant tub of lanolin at my desk that will serve as chapstick for approx. the next 20 years.
Cb says
Someone recommended these silver covers and they are amazing. Expensive but really help protect and soothe.
Anonymous says
Just wanted to share my day-in-the-life from yesterday. Hopefully it makes you guys laugh or at least feel less alone in the daily struggle :-)
6:30 – 7 AM – unconsciously turn off the alarms that blare beside my head so I can catch a few more minutes of precious sleep
7 AM – Wake up to the musical sound of 10 month old fussing over the baby monitor. Realize I overslept, but decide I don’t care. Make a latte, eat some frozen waffles, read the newspaper.
7:30 AM – Go upstairs to take a shower, but hear that baby’s fussing has escalated into full blown crying. Husband continues to sleep peacefully in bed with noise-canceling headphones. Glare at husband, then go into nursery to nurse baby while she smacks me in the face with her pacifier and tries to do a back flip over the side of the chair while still latched.
7:45 Attempt to change the world’s foulest-smelling diaper. Hand baby hairbrush and pacifier to play with in vain hope that she will lie still. Hold baby’s legs in the air while cleaning, but baby uses herculean strength to roll over. Poop ends up on baby’s legs. Clean baby’s legs, wrestle baby back onto her back, and put on a clean diaper.
7:50 Strap baby into bouncer that she has basically outgrown so I can take a quick shower. Baby fusses because she is a big girl who wants to be free to roam her domain.
8:00 Free baby of her chains and let her roam the bathroom while I quickly put on makeup and do hair. Baby throws herself into my legs, nearly burn my face with the curling iron. Baby laughs.
8:10 Strap baby into high chair and heat up some frozen pancakes for baby. Baby babbles and beats the high chair table with her fists to demand her breakfast. Baby eats some of the pancakes, drops the rest into her lap or on the floor for the dog to eat. While she is eating, I pack her bottles in her daycare bag and load up the car.
8:15 Put baby’s dress and shoes on while she is restrained in the high chair. Release baby from the high chair, lay her on the floor to put on bloomers. Baby rolls over after one leg is put in the bloomers and begins crawling towards the dog. Mid-crawl, rapidly put the other leg through the bloomer. Grab baby before she uses the dog as a trampoline.
8:20 Leave for daycare. Husband is still asleep. Turn on Sirius Symphony channel to soothe my nerves while driving to daycare.
8:45 Drop baby off at daycare. No baby spit up on outfit, consider morning a success.
8:50 – 9:10 Traffic is at a standstill because the grain train-that-never-runs is running. Or rather, stopped at an intersection. It goes forward twenty feet, then backs up again. Rinse and repeat.
9:25 – 5:40 Work.
6:00 Pick up baby. Feel like a negligent mother because baby is the last one in her room. Daycare teacher looks relieved I showed up. Baby is thrilled to see me, heart melts a little.
6:05 Receive text message from husband, who had been home sick all day. Says he is going for ‘a drive’ since he slept all day. Fume.
6:25 Arrive home, put baby in play pen while I change clothes. Dog and two cats follow me around the house hoping for attention.
6:30 Nurse baby for 2 minutes. Baby refuses to nurse longer.
6:32 Scatter veggies and cheese on baby’s highchair tray. She spits all of them out. Give baby quinoa puffs, which she happily eats. Feed baby two purees.
6:45 Bathe baby. Baby splashes water all over me.
7:00 Read baby story, put her to bed. Mercifully, she doesn’t cry and goes straight to sleep.
7:05 Reheat leftovers for my dinner.
7:45 Husband arrives home. Wants sympathy because he had an upset stomach most of the day. I have little to give. Remind husband that I was throwing up off and on Saturday night and all day Sunday, yet still did baby chores and worked a full day.
7:45 – 8:15 Straighten up around house since housekeeper is coming next day. Husband relaxes on couch.
8:15 Notice husband has draped dirty towel over door to our bedroom. Towel is the same one he has used for a week. Husband says he wants to let it air dry. Suggest husband uses a fresh towel. Husband walks 15′ into bathroom to toss dirty towel on edge of tub. Snap at husband because laundry room was much closer, and I’m the only one who ever moves dirty towels from bathroom to laundry room.
8:30 Apologize to husband for snapping. Remind husband that it is exhausting to do everything for baby and work a full day. Husband says he will care for baby next day.
8:30 10:15 Hang out with husband. Read on iPad, watch TV, chit chat. Think about all the things I need to do before upcoming work trip. Do none of it.
10:15 Go to bed. Toss and turn for 30 minutes until I can fall asleep.
Mama Llama says
Love it!! And I hope your husband followed through on his promise to step up the next day because yeeesh.
ifiknew says
This sounds like our days exactly. We have a 11 month old. Husband was also throwing up from stomach bug and I did morning night MOTN duty for a week x.x then had a full blown melt down after a week of this. I commend you for talking about this early ha.
Anonymous says
Wow. I hope your husband redeemed himself.
Anonymous says
+1
so nice of you to not make him get the baby ready for daycare in the morning, or make him pick up from daycare and cook supper for you and clean up for cleaners when he was well enough to go out for a drive.
OP says
I’m sure he will tonight. I promise he is actually a great partner, but he is a wimp when it comes to being sick. We typically both work to get baby ready in the morning, alternate daycare drop off/pick up based on whether I’m WFH, and alternate baby duties at night. I still end up doing more for our daughter, but he has longer work hours.
Em says
Man illness is the worst. I frequently have to remind my husband that, while I will care for our child so that he can rest, I will under no circumstances also care for him because he has a cold. Which I previously had and still went about all of my daily activities.
Anonymous says
Thank you. This was amazing.
Baptism Etiquette says
We’re having our toddler baptized next month. This is our first child, and I’ve only been to one or two baptisms since I was a very young child. We are inviting close family and having a brunch reception after (likely at a restaurant, but I’m still finalizing some details). We’re not doing godparents/sponsors. We’ll give a bigger contribution than usual to our church that week, likely in a thank you note to our pastor. Is there anything I’m missing etiquette wise? I feel a little uneducated about this.
Anonymous says
Sounds great! You’ve thought of everything.
Anonymous says
I am so impressed that it occurred to you to give a bigger contribution and a thank you note to the pastor. We definitely did not do that and now I feel bad.
How are you not having godparents? (I’m Catholic, so maybe other denominations do things differently?)
So anyway, it sounds to me like you’ve thought of everything. Expect for people to bring gifts for the baby. A cake with a cross might be a nice touch but a toddler won’t know if it’s missing.
OP says
Don’t feel bad! I did some Googling and saw that people give donations. However, I think a lot of those were aimed at people who don’t give regularly and maybe aren’t even members of the church – like having the baby baptized at the grandparents’ church or something. I doubt we’ll give a ton extra.
We’re Methodist and they’re not required. I grew up Catholic and my husband Lutheran, so it was a surprise to us. But we have some close family that is Presbyterian and they’re similar, so we were kind of hoping it would be an option. Choosing godparents would have been really annoying, to be honest. We joined our church because there are a lot of young families, and everyone is really welcoming of our toddler (because I refuse to send my child to daycare five days a week and then use church nursery a sixth unless she asks to go). We didn’t really care about the denomination.
Mama Llama says
Has anyone gotten a Casper mattress for a kid’s first “big kid bed?” Or another similar inexpensive internet mattress? If so, how did you like it? What kind of bed did you use it with?
EB0220 says
We got a Tuft & Needle for my 3 year old a few months ago. It’s very comfortable and she loves it! Right now, it’s “Montessori Style” aka on the floor. We also have a Tuft & Needle mattress and it’s perfect on an Ikea bed frame with slats.
H says
Also try Mattress Firm final markdown for an inexpensive mattress. We got a twin for under $300.
lala says
We ordered one on amazon for our bunk bed (similar to casper/tuft and needle bed in a box style) and it was cheaper than the twin we bought from the mattress store and way more comfortable!
With the bunk bed, we don’t need a box spring, so it worked great.
KateMiddletown says
We bought both a mattress and box spring at Big Lots for $250
Activities/Schedules says
I work part time, and it’s flexible, so I have a foot in both the working mom and SAH mom worlds.
I have 3 kids. The oldest is in preschool (4.5). My other ones are 2 and itty bitty. Oldest goes to preschool 3x/week, does dance class on Monday mornings, and this spring, she’s taking swim lessons at my gym because she’s almost 5 and cannot swim (but soon will!).
My oldest’s peers at preschool have an insane amount of activities. The their girls do dance with my daughter, but also soccer and gymnastics. I think one does an art class, too. They are not only children and in fact their older siblings are even more scheduled: older brothers in kindy/1st grade do 4(!) sports. I overheard a convo about “needing to either drop coding class or piano because we have an activity each day after school.” First graders with 2x/week horseback lessons + tap + cheer + lacrosse this spring.
Lots of these kids have a SAH parent, but many are also doing these things on the weekend. This is not at all how I grew up, so I’m curious of this is a my circle/my town thing, or if kids just do All The Activities now. And if so- why? Boredom/Keeps them off their phones? Have to start early to find their passions? College?
Anway, just curious as I look at my 2 year old and wonder how I’m going to manage gymnastics for her and dance for ODD next year ;).
Mama Llama says
Pure insanity if you ask me. Caveat that this from the perspective of a WOH parent of one child whose temperament needs a lot of unstructured downtime. Maybe there are some kids who thrive on this kind of schedule, but mine is 4 and we only do one activity at a time, except for a about 6 weeks in the summer when we overlap swim lessons with something else.
H says
+1000 My 3 year old does daycare/preschool full time and swimming (because it’s a safety issue, not because I want him to be an olympian) once a week. That is enough; I don’t care what other families are doing.
EB0220 says
Kids do All the Activities now. I think it’s because the parents are worried that their kids will fall behind athletically, socially or academically if they’re not doing similar activities as their peers. I have a one activity during the week rule and am constantly defending it to myself and others.
Two Cents says
My kids are 3 and 5 and do yoga, art class, French and soccer during the week BUT that’ s only because these classes are offered as extra curricular options at their school. On the weekend, we do a swimming class and religious class and that’s it. DH keeps talking about adding karate or music on the weekend but for now I have put my foot down. Kids need downtime.
Anon says
My corner of the world sounds like yours. I have two toddler/ preschool kids and solo parent a lot, and I worry I’ll be holding them back because I can’t possibly support that many activities for two separate kids. But I pulled them out of every class, even swimming, this spring, and we’ve had a ton of fun together. Lots of time at the park and building forts and coloring and just free play.
The plan for now: they’re going to be in swimming until they are good swimmers. That will count as a “sport” – when they’re good at swimming, then they can pick a different sport if they choose. I will also put them in one other artistic class, like dance or music lessons or painting. And that’s it. That’s 4 activities for our household and it seems like more than enough. Maybe they won’t play college basketball, but maybe they never would have. They’ve been in daycare since they were 10 weeks old, I feel like learning how to deal with unstructured time is a way more useful skill for them.
Or maybe I’m ruining my kids’ lives and not giving them the activities they need to thrive and develop their full potential. It depends on the day, honestly.
CPA Lady says
Well, I have an only child, so my situation might not really translate, but before I had a kid I was like “I am NOT going to over-schedule my child! she will play freely and independently with wooden toys and it will be Magical! Janet Lansbury will come to my house to pat me on the back!”
She will be 4 this fall and is currently doing soccer and ballet and is about to start swim lessons. She is not remotely interested in independent play and has requested to do these activities and participates in them enthusiastically. I also (honestly– sorry if this is bad) hate playing kid games and toys and avoid it as much as humanly possible. This is the only reason I regret having an only child– I can’t just yell “go play with your brother!” The only thing my kid enjoys doing by herself is watching tv, which makes me feel guilty, so I’m happy to let some kind of activity take the place of TV. I also let her do these activities because I like being out of the house in the evening, especially since DH travels so much. I like hanging out with other parents and get lonely sitting around the house.
If we come to a point where she seems stressed or unhappy in the number of activities or it gets to be too much for my schedule, we will reevaluate. But for now she likes it, I like it, we can afford it, so we do it.
mascot says
I think we could be friends. I also have an only so I can relate to trying to provide ways to fill up my social butterfly’s time. Janet hasn’t shown up at my house either. We try to limit sports to one per season, especially since his preferred sport of soccer is pretty time-intensive half the year. He does aftercare at his school so we also allow him to do activities that occur at the school at that time.
avocado says
My only child is also a social butterfly who does best with plenty of structured activities and time out of the house. She complains about her after-school program, but doesn’t like coming home after school because it’s “boring.” She is happiest on the days when she carpools with friends to their 4-hour sports practices after school. Whenever she has downtime on the weekend, it takes half a day of whining that she’s bored before she manages to get involved in a project or independent play. What drives me nuts is that she refuses to go outdoors by herself. When I was her age I would spend hours on my own walking the dog, riding my bike, or climbing trees. But she won’t go for a bike ride or take a walk or swing on her swing unless someone is out there with her. And it’s difficult to find a weekend when friends can come over to hang out because they are all so busy with travel sports.
Activities/Schedules says
I think an only child situation is different. My older 2 (2 and 4.5) play really well together, most of the time. So I can have coffee/play with baby/do laundry while they play barbies or pretend to be dogs or cook in the play kitchen. They fight a lot, but hey.
Also, with more than one kid, you have to DO something with the other kid(s) when one is in an activity–and usually the parents can’t just drop and run. Like, my 2 kids play around in the studio while ODD is in dance class. When ODD swims at my gym, I either play with the other kids or put them in the nursery at my gym and work out (her swim class only has 2 kids in it, so I’m cool with leaving the pool deck. I’d feel differently if she were in a larger group). YDD wants to do gymnastics, which means I’ve got to sit there and entertain Baby. If these were only kids, I could bring my laptop and work or zone out with a book or my phone.
I also struggle with the over-scheduling because what my oldest REALLY needs is a playdate. Just happy, unstructured downtime with kids her age. We have one neighbor who is the youngest of 3 and comes over for like, half a weekend day. They play fort. They play on the swings. They dress up. They argue. They have snacks. They negotiate what to do next. They help make lunch. They ride their bikes up and down the cul de sac. It’s honestly the best use of half my weekend and I’m so sad Neighbor Friend is moving. All her preschool playdates are scheduled super far in advance and so often I hear “oh why doesn’t [daughter] join soccer/gymnastics/kiddie crossfit/cooking class.”
We also like to plan Family Stuff for the weekend, so I hate the idea of doing tons of classes then. We go into our nearby city for the morning, or take a trip to the zoo, or head an hour away to the beach to see family/play at the beach.
Redux says
um, is kiddie crossfit a real thing?
Activities/Schedules says
IDK, it’s some thing that happens at the crossfit place where my daughter’s friends’ moms work out. I think they do little circuits?
Activities/Schedules says
LOL I 100% had a second to entertain my first. Well maybe 85%. But I grew up as one of three and DH was an only child. His mom hung out with him a LOT. I did not want to entertain my kid all the time.
I say “Go away and find something to do with your sister” pretty much daily. Usually more politely, but not always.
Two Cents says
+ 1
In many ways, life became easier when I had my second. They have so much fun together (mostly) and entertain each other all day long.
SC says
I’m with you on not enjoying playing kid games, or at least having a very limited amount of time (15-20 minutes) when I enjoy it. We’re not really at a decision point re activities yet (Kiddo just turned 3 and is only in swim lessons on the weekend, and soccer after school), but on the weekends, I find myself wanting to get out of the house and do activities–brunch, grocery store, park, play dates, birthday parties, neighborhood fair, zoo/aquarium/children’s museum, a grandparents’ house, a pool, a walk, a bike ride, whatever.
Meiqi says
I couldn’t agree more. Another CPA here. After a work day spent in front of spreadsheets and a winter that won’t end, the last thing I want to do is stay inside with the kids playing with Paw Patrol toys, which is my son’t favorite pass time aside from watching the cartoon. I have three (one 3.5 year old step daughter, one 3 year old boy and a 15 month old girl.) The oldest one’s occupational therapist said that her muscles are “exceptionally weak” and my son has a love affair with food, so I have the older two enrolled in sports and swimming classes on weekends. The baby is enrolled in swimming because she loves the water. I’m considering adding a MyGym (gymnastics) class to the mix. The older two attend preschool full time and the baby has a nanny for a half day and daycare for a half day. Although it may seem like overscheduling, I’m more concerned that they don’t get enough exercise. I didn’t grow up with all these classes either, but I also grew up in a house with a pool and spent weekends at a cousin’s house with acres of land for us to safely run around. Also, my step daughter is in the stage where she think’s it’s funny to run off, so having her exercise in a confined space is a big plus. We could save money just going to the park now that the weather is nice, but it’s really hard to corral three toddlers simultaneously.
AIMS says
I just always tell myself that people who do this much either want to get their kids out of their hair or want to vicariously live through their kids or maybe just feel guilty. I don’t think it’s necessary or helpful, frankly. I did a LOT of activities as a kid and I think I would have done much better if my mom just stuck to one or two things I actually enjoyed and could have focused on instead of making me into a Jane of all trades, master of none.
Anonymous says
I think that’s nuts. I’m in NYC and most of my son’s friends also have 2 parents that work close to full time. So far, 1-2 classes/activities/week (outside of afterschool programs, which at our price point are more focused on keeping the child alive than anything else) seems more usual. I think among more affluent families more activities are probably common, but I’m not going there unless my son expresses strong interest. As a child I wanted to be really busy, but my brothers never did. Even so I think I just did 1-2 dance or gym classes a week when I was little, which escalated into 2-3 classes as a tween. Then I stopped dance after I joined the swim team which was 6 days/week. And my mother didn’t work.
Artemis says
I have three kids ranging in age from 2.5 to 8. The “activity stage” is really ramping up, but we do have limits and we try to shuffle things around and take breaks. Frankly, my husband would put them in more activities I think, but I am often the one to put my foot down because I am doing the majority of the chauffeuring and handling the non-participating kids. What makes it better is that often activities are in short bursts (aka, not year round) and generally convenient to our home. We are lucky to live in a very populated suburb with lots of sports leagues, schools, fields, parks, etc. within about 10 minutes of our house–if I had to drive farther than that for any weeknight activity I would definitely put my foot down.
For example, currently my oldest is in Cub Scouts and my husband is the den leader, so he handles all of that, and my middle guy gets to go to some Cub Scout stuff, and some stuff is whole family, so that’s fun for all of us (and the meetings, etc. are five to ten minutes from our house and only run through the school year).
My two oldest take swim lessons from September through June to keep their skills up while the pools we have access to in the summer are not open–but that’s only once a week on Saturday mornings two minutes from our house, and their lessons overlap, so we’re totally done within about 90 minutes.
My two oldest play sports, but they each only get to pick one sport a season (fall, sometimes late winter, and spring) and we take a break in the summer and there are breaks of a few weeks between each season, and often they can play in the same league if they pick the same sport (we don’t force that).
My middle just started music lessons but only because it is a short lesson (30 minutes) can be skipped if it doesn’t work out in our schedule one week, is really casual, and is close to our house.
My 2.5 year old is along for the ride and can start soccer in the fall, but that’s on Saturdays at a park in our neighborhood.
Again, if it wasn’t so convenient because of my neighborhood, none of this could happen. I also am very hardcore about taking a break for the whole summer because the kids are in camp anyway and I need a break from all the running around!
My kids are VERY high energy and if we weren’t doing this stuff, they’d be bouncing off the walls and running circles at home, so while the logistics can be a little bit nuts, I actually think it helps us all be a little more sane. Essentially trading one kind of crazy for another . . . . you really just have to set the boundaries that work for you and not worry about anyone else (there are definitely families in my area whose kids do even more than what mine are doing . . . not for me).
Jeffiner says
My only daughter is 3, and we only do swim lessons once a week, on Saturday. We tried adding dance once a week (also on Saturday), and it was horrible. I don’t know if she just wasn’t into dance or if she was too tired to do two activities in one day, but we had to drop it. I was surprised at how getting things ready and going to a second activity also made me more tired. My daughter is also not interested in independent play, so we do a lot of free swim or playground or zoo trips on the weekends.
Meg Murry says
I think another part of it is introvert vs extrovert kids, plus active/athletic kids vs kids that like more sedate activities. My oldest only ever did 1-2 activities at a time (usually karate or swimming and then piano), and for karate and swimming I could work out during his class so it was a bonus for me (and I can sit in the car and read for 30 minutes during piano – more me time!). He’s an introvert who hates the after school program, is not into team sports and just wants to come home and be by himself or ride his bike with 1-2 friends – so we’ve kept it pretty low key on the activities side of things. We also gave a few other things like Cub Scouts a shot but none of it stuck.
My youngest on the other hand is a super extrovert and extremely athletically inclined and likes all things sports. He wants to do every single activity we get a flier home about or that he hears another friend participates in. If it were up to him he would do the after school program every day until it closes (he gets mad when we pick him up on the early side), and then baseball or soccer or gymnastics or ride his bike or otherwise be active until he collapses. I’m not athletic at all, so signing him up for “sports” (lets be honest, it’s mostly just running around for an hour at age 6) is a way that I can get some of his energy and social needs run out without being exhausted myself. Like other posters, I don’t really like kid games much, although I’d much rather play Uno for an hour than play catch or pitch a baseball or play goalie for 2 hours, which is what my kiddo would want me to do. And occasionally I can get him into an art project (but its always an involved one, rarely something easy like just coloring), but otherwise if he isn’t being active he really just wants to watch TV or play on his tablet, and I don’t want to encourage too much of that.
So yeah, I was on team “keep them unscheduled, lots of free play”. But then I had an exhausting sports loving kid and now I suspect we’ll be doing at least 1 sport every season. We’re also lucky enough to have grandparents in the area that can help with the driving around from practice to practice, but we’re only now getting into the part where they have out of town games to schedule around which I am not looking forward to.
OP says
This makes sense–my oldest is definitely an introvert. Like, poster child for the category. She likes art and imaginative play and bike rides and dress up. But also loves dance and swim and has asked about taking soccer and gymnastics too–because that’s what her friends do and I think she feels left out. She just doesn’t seem to get the social benefit out of the activities- it’s just too organized/structured. She loves loves loves dance, and asks me every day if it’s swim day, so I can’t decide if she’d be better or worse off if I replaced our Boring Fridays (I don’t work, none of the kids have school) with an activity, or if we should just keep up with Home Stuff + a trip to somewhere (zoo/library/whatever). Juggling around my younger one’s nap is tricky but another type of problem.
J says
I struggle with this. I’ve posted before on here about it, and you all made me feel better :)
We used to live in an area with tons of activities for kids and kids definitely did them all. When kiddo was 10 months we moved to a much smaller town, and all of the activities except swim lessons require a SAHM until about kindergarten. (Nannies are pretty nonexistent in my Midwest small town.) We do swim off and on but will be more regular about it when kiddo turns 3 in the fall and can move up a class and learn more skills. I’d love to have her do gymnastics – she loves that type of stuff at home, but it is at 10:30 on Friday mornings. In a few years, we’ll just do what we can. Right now I’m thinking a lot about what summers will look like when kiddo is in school. I mostly WFH, but I think I’d like a summer nanny so kiddo can do more swimming, junior golf, lessons, etc. We’ll just play it by ear, I guess. I could see hubby freaking out over the cost of summer nanny versus other program. I just wish right now that our town had more options. Not that I’d schedule something every night, but a few things to rotate between would be nice.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Son just turned 2 so we’re not quite there yet on the activities. I think we’ll try toddler swim classes once a week, on the weekend, this summer, and as he gets older see if he expresses an interest in something else to try. I like the idea of one activity at a time, we’ll see if that flies. He does a lot of arts and crafts and running around with kids at daycare so I don’t really see the need to add art/music/whatever classes on the weekends at this point.
We’re having a second in the fall so I’m hoping they can be playmates eventually and lower our need to entertain them, as CPA Lady says above! We’re also just homebodies who don’t like to socialize much, beyond a few close friends :) The nicer weather does mean that we’ll likely go to playgrounds more often.
Anonymous says
I think it depends on the area, parents, and the kids. We did swim lessons with my 13 month old and DH and I found that we hated having something we had to be at on the weekends. We still get up early and out of the house on the weekends, but we like being able to choose what we do with her that day. I firmly believe in the benefits of unstructured play, solo-play, and being outside (taking hikes with her in the backpack). I may eat crow one day, but we’re hoping to limit her to one activity at a time.
SC says
Right now, Kiddo (3 yo) does soccer one afternoon a week through a program that comes to his daycare, and we take him to swim lessons on Saturdays. But honestly, I wouldn’t think it’s crazy to add a couple of activities in the next couple of years. Soccer and baseball are really big in our area and become social events for the parents, so we’d likely try those if Kiddo is interested (they rotate seasons, so it would be one at a time). My MIL is a piano teacher, so we’ll let her teach Kiddo piano at some point when he’s ready (probably 5 years old for regular, formal lessons). And DH and I keep talking about starting Kiddo in martial arts when he’s old enough because it seems like it would be good for Kiddo’s temperament. At that point, we’d be up to 3 activities, or 4 if we’re still doing swim lessons.
Kiddo is an only child, and he’s unlikely to get siblings. Even if he had a sibling, at this point, they wouldn’t be particularly close in age. DH is currently a SAHD, so there’s some flexibility in our schedule. My main concerns would be balancing activities with play, especially as his day becomes more structured in pre-K and kindergarten.
Anonymous says
It’s terrible. It’s helicopter parenting, social anxiety about our destroyed safety net, tapdancing while Rome burns (or rather the climate changes) and a way to justify the absurd amounts of money a very small percentage of the population makes (I make 7 figures, but it all goes to the kids! they whine).
I really hate it. I wish my husband was less attached to the city we live in, because the longer I am a parent, the more done I am with America.
Mama Llama says
I really feel you on this.
Mama Llama, a pregnant government employee with no maternity leave
Regular poster anon for this says
I posted on the main page as well but would love to hear thoughts here too since my question centers on living in the Bay Area with kids:
Question for those who live or have lived in the Bay Area (specifically Peninsula area):
If money was not a consideration, would you live in the Bay Area and why? DH and I are considering a move there. Both sets of families live there (about an hour apart) and DH’s industry is centered there (biotech). We currently live across the country and would like our children to grow up near their grandparents and they will be very helpful in terms of childcare.
Every time I mention a potential move to someone all they talk about is the cost of living. And yes, while I am very aware of the ridiculous costs, we are also doing well financially and it wouldn’t be impossible to live there I don’t think (HHI of 450-500K, roughly).
I would appreciate thoughts on living in the Bay Area, especially with young children. Thank you.
shortperson says
it’s amazing and i would love to live there.
Pogo says
I have plenty of friends there and they love it, even those with young children. I think there’s also a difference between South Bay and being right in the city. Not that it’s any cheaper, but to me it seems very family friendly (walk to everything, lots of parks and activities). I assume if it’s biotech you’d probably be living somewhere between Palo Alto and San Jose?
I think with that household income you’d be OK. But it is not cheap, that’s for sure. My friend is always complaining about people fighting to pay $1M for dilapidated foreclosures that are essentially teardowns – competition for move in ready real estate, even if you have the money, is brutal.
Katala says
I grew up there and it was good for the most part. Excellent public schools, though pretty cliquish and the rich kids got first dibs at the best parts (“A” sports teams vs “B”, etc.) which I didn’t totally realize until a friend transferred in 8th grade and said our school was like the one in the book It. I imagine this has only gotten worse with any middle class families being squeezed out.
The weather is great, there are lots of kid classes, sports, etc. and you have access to any and all types of cultural activities and 3 major airports to choose from. Traffic has gotten much worse I hear, so that may be a factor depending on what your commute would be like.
Not sure if this is helpful at all. If you have specific things you’re looking for in raising kids I could maybe speak to some of those. Living near grandparents is obviously huge. My father moved out of the peninsula further north and we often wish relocating to be closer were an option.
Anon for this says
I live in Palo Alto, love it, wouldn’t move away. Great quality of life—nice community, I bike to nearly everything, I can get almost anything I don’t want to go out for delivered, great weather, very safe, close to nature areas, etc. My kids are still daycare age and I haven’t felt the pressure that some people talk about, though I’m sure it exists somewhere.
However, I’m super happy living in 1,000sf house even though I could live in something much bigger and fancier for way less money almost anywhere else. If you want a large house or cheap household help or to feel richer than others, Palo Alto isn’t a good place to be at your HHI. If you’re cool living a more modest life with a ton of quality of life benefits, Palo Alto is great.
OP says
Thank you all for chiming in! On the space issue, we have happily lived in a 1500 sq ft condo for many years and don’t see needing much more than that, which is good. The other day we were talking about large homes and my 3 year old chimed in — mom, we have a really big house! :) It’s all relative.
ER says
I’m in Palo Alto, HHI of $550,000+, 1700 sq ft house. We can afford to do the things that we want to do. The weather is excellent – we eat dinner outside 6 months a year. We can bike to work.
Downsides: we wish we had a nicer house, and we don’t know whether we will be able to afford to remodel or trade up. There are also headwinds for the state, with ballooning pension costs that eat up an increasing percentage of state & local government budgets. The cost of living is scaring away most of the middle class. Lots of people have an absurd amount of entitlement.
Also Anon for This says
We live in Sunnyvale and have a nearly 4 yo and a 10 month old. Pros to living in the Bay Area with kids (as others said) is the plethora of interests your kid can be exposed to, the near-constant sunshine (no snowstorms to survive cooped up inside with your kids) and many things are very walkable near us. Downsides: (1) Most households have two working parents with long commutes, so playdates and hang outs are often relegated to weekends and must be scheduled a few weeks in advance, unless you have a close friend/neighbor that your kid can play with on short notice. (We are a two working parent household with short commutes and actively work to foster that unscheduled, spur-of-the-moment hang out time with a few close friends and neighbors, but most of my kids’ friends don’t have that in their lives.) (2) Competitive atmosphere. People talk about the Bay Area now as being workaholic and climbing the ladder at all costs. This seeps into kids’ activities, too. I’m shocked at some of the schedules and curriculum of preschools around here that to me look more like the schedules a middle schooler might have than a 3 year old. At our kids’ daycare, some parents pay $200 extra per month for their kids to start learning sight words at 3. (Learning sight words is something your kid is supposed to know by the end of kindergarten.) All that said, you can go against the grain if you want your kids to have more unscheduled time, you just have to be really intentional about fostering it. And living near grandparents sounds amazing. Most people here have literally no village because their family is not nearby. We are the emergency back up for several of DD’s friends at daycare if their parents can’t pick up because they have no one else to call.
anon says
What helps you stay positive when dealing with toddler tantrum situations? DH gets incredibly stressed and anxious and kiddo can feel it which results in…more tantrums. DH never hits or even yells, he just gets terse and less joyful and kiddo will say that he is hurting her feelings. Sometimes he will sigh loudly. None of these horrible and toddler tantrum stress is real, so I understand why he gets upset, but I need him to understand the consequences to is reactions. For me, when things start to get a little crazy, like kiddo is refusing to brush teeth, I like to get creative and tell a story or have kiddo brush a teddy bear’s teeth, while I brush her teeth. DH says he finds that exhausting. I don’t disagree, I just would rather avoid the fight by being creative and positive, because I find the tantrum/fight/stress more exhausting. These stressful episodes have an impact on sleep also. Often if DH and kiddo have a fight during the nighttime routine, she will wake up in the middle of the night crying about it, even if she went to bed easily. I am at a loss about how to help DH control his reactions, I am not even sure if that is the best way to handle this. His emotions are not wrong – this is stressful – but they just cause more stress. Help
Anonymous says
It’s okay for him to be less joyful? And stressed?
anon says
Yes, you are right. It is just so, so stressful for everyone. I was hoping that if I could should him how much harder it makes life when he reacts this way, he could maybe work on controlling his actions better? Or adjusting his expectations – 3 year olds are hard – so that he won’t be so disappointed in “bad” behavior. I am not sure if this is reasonable. Thanks for responding.
AIMS says
Maybe you can point him to some kid psychology articles. Mr. AIMS does much better with unreasonable toddler behavior when he can understand it on a developmental level and has a few stock phrases/actions to deal with it. He tends to get frustrated when he is caught off guard and/or when what worked before stops working. For me, though, I find that the more unreasonable my daughter acts, the easier it is to deal with because at that point I know it’s not something I’m doing so I’m more content with just waiting it out.
H says
I am kind of your husband. My solution is to walk away and DH takes over, unfortunately, but I’d rather that than yell at my child. The fortunate thing is this doesn’t happen every night so it doesn’t always become DH’s responsibility. I also find that setting expectations for the child lessens the chance of a battle. I explain what we’re doing next and set a timer for 5 minutes before it’s time to potty, or brush teeth, or get shoes on to the leave the house, etc. and that really seems to help.
Anon says
It’s hard to tell from your post, so I have two answers.
1) Your kiddo needs to learn that not everyone is positive all the time, and that’s okay. She isn’t responsible for anyone else’s feelings, and she can’t control how someone reacts to stress. She sounds very empathetic which is great, but big feelings are okay too. You might do some reading on emotional boundaries and work through those concepts at an age-appropriate level for her.
2) DH needs to remember he’s the adult in the situation, so it’s on him to stay rational and calm, and keep perspective. A kid taking 5 extra minutes at bedtime is NOT cause for huffing and pouting and causing a fight with your toddler. If he’s having trouble managing his own emotions, he needs to read up on emotional coaching for himself. Maybe ask him to teach her how to manage her stress in a positive way, which will hopefully teach him the same lessons.
Mama Llama says
Is he open to reading a book or watching a dvd on this? If so, I recommend the Happiest Toddler on the Block.
mascot says
The 123 magic method dvd is also good for teaching parents to remain calm. Also, it’s ok for him to tap out occasionally and let someone else take over. We all reach breaking points.
Anon says
I’ve been thinking a lot about posts like this lately. People post that they aren’t on the same page as their spouse on some parenting things. There are themes about people that were raised to be obedient to their parents and expect the same from their kids and the old adage children are seen and not heard days and whether it is good or bad for kids to have some fear of their parents.
I was born in ’81 and definitely grew up with the parenting style that seems disfavored now and I’m a little concerned with how that will translate when I’m a parent. To the extent it matters, my parents had kids way later in life so they probably had a lot of the philosophies other people’s grandparents had.
I think it is okay for a child to see that they disappointed their parent or made them mad or sad. I never understood the idea that it is never a kid’s fault. It is! If they see the consequences of their actions they may change their behaviors. I don’t mean verbal abuse or physical abuse. I mean, when you throw your food, mom gets unhappy is totally fine and developmentaly normal in my book. I didn’t behave because I wanted to, I behaved because I feared the consequences of not behaving.
I think it’s great to get kids to do things in a positive way but at the same time kids have to learn that not everything is fun and that sometimes you do things because you were told to and that’s all the reason you are going to get and you better do it.
Is the way I was raised completely and totally outdated? Am I going to screw up my hypothetical kid? I’m sure I’ll be way nicer in reality when the cute person in front of me is my own child. I just don’t see the way I was raised as totally wrong and evil the way the current parenting movement seems to make it out to be.
Anon for this says
I work closely with two men who are senior to me. Although we used to be a great, collaborative team, over the past few years the environment has become quite toxic. The less senior of the two men (let’s call him B) has just announced his resignation. He is currently directing a project on which I am second in command. The more senior co-worker (we’ll call him A) has had very little involvement with the project thus far. I have been doing most of the actual work and client management on the project, and I have plenty of experience directing this type of project.
I have suggested that I take over directing the project. Our department head has informally indicated that he supports this plan. A thinks he should take over the project “to show the client that we take them seriously.” This makes no sense to me, as I have basically been running this project myself quite successfully. If A takes over, I will still have to do all the work and all the client management but won’t get any credit for it internally. If I take over, I will not be taking on any additional real work, but will position myself well for a promotion for which I’ll soon be eligible. B is avoiding me, but I have reason to believe that he will support A instead of me.
I am meeting privately with our department head this afternoon. How would you handle the situation? My first instinct is just to make my case logically–no matter what A or B says, I am the one who’s actually been doing the work and am the logical person to take over the project, and it will make the smoothest transition from the client’s perspective. To make things more challenging, the department head is not a strong manager and is inclined to take the path of least resistance, and A has a lot of power in certain spheres of the organization.
Anon for this says
Sorry, didn’t mean to post as reply. Will post as a new thread below.
NewMomAnon says
Well…I think the current parenting philosophy includes a lot of room for kids to learn through the consequences of their actions. I frequently find myself telling kiddo that if she doesn’t do something, I will be angry or sad; that’s literally the entire threat. Not time out, not loss of a privilege, just mama being upset and not much fun. And it works sometimes.
But also – developmentally, little kids need help learning to manage their big feelings. If a parent shuts down every time a kid expresses a big feeling, that kid doesn’t learn how to manage the big feelings and learns that they lose their parent at a time they feel vulnerable and overwhelmed themselves. That doesn’t help the kid learn to do things just because they are told to do them; it teaches them that their feelings are bad and dangerous. So husband shutting down at every tantrum means all the emotional labor of teaching kiddo to manage big feelings is falling on mom. Not cool.
As far as kids doing things just because they are told – I mean, it’s a lovely idea? But kids are little people, not robots or even well-trained dogs. They have opinions and preferences and emotions that get in the way of rote compliance. A strong relationship with your kid might make them more likely to cooperate with you and trust you when you give them a command, but it’s a minute-by-minute thing.
avocado says
The “current philosophy” favors authoritative parenting–highly demanding yet also highly responsive. Authoritative parenting means setting clear boundaries and enforcing them, while also being sensitive to kids’ emotional needs and developmental readiness. This includes explaining the reasons behind rules. Authoritative parents expect their kids to do as they’re asked, but are also understanding when kids have a hard time behaving and are sometimes open to changing the rules for a legitimate reason. Authoritative parenting is supposed to produce self-confident kids who can navigate the world successfully.
The old-school way is authoritarian parenting–highly demanding but not very responsive. Blind obedience was expected “because I said so.” Authoritarian parents can also get hung up on “respect”–if the kid doesn’t obey instantly and without complaint, kid is showing disrespect and should be punished. My husband’s older parents raised him this way, and it’s hard for him to understand that it’s not necessarily a personal affront against him every time our kid doesn’t instantly do as she’s told.
Here’s a little example of the difference between authoritative and authoritarian parenting. Kid asks for candy after dinner. The authoritative parent might say, “Not tonight–it’s too close to bedtime and we don’t have time.” Kid grumbles a little but goes upstairs to brush her teeth. Kid might also ask, “If we finish dinner earlier tomorrow night, can I have some candy then?” In contrast, when asked for candy, the authoritarian parent just says, “No! Go brush your teeth!” Kid responds, “But why? I ate my dinner and now I really want candy!” Authoritarian parent: “Because I said so! Now go brush your teeth like I told you to!” Kid: “Waaaaaaaah!” Etc.
Anonymous says
I was born in 1980. I knew when my parents were unhappy with something I did but I was never ‘afraid’ of them or of the consequences (getting grounded/sent to my room/etc). But how you discipline a school age child is vastly different from a toddler.
There’s a huge difference between dealing with a 2 year old, 4 year old or 6 year old. All need clear logical consequences but the behavior expections for each based on their developmental levels are very different.
Betty says
I am not going to get this exactly right but the idea is that you don’t want your kid to be responsible for your emotions. A parent, as the adult, should be in control over his/her emotions, and if a kid can totally rock the parent’s world by throwing food on the floor – that places a ton of power into a child’s hands. My husband was brought up in this vein: everything he did was a reflection on his mother. If he fell, his mother reacted by telling him that it scared her without checking in to see if he was in fact ok or that it may have in fact just been an accident. The idea is to have a child who is intrinsically motivated to do certain things, and not do them just for the parent’s approval. If a child does something — excel in school, exercise for example, just to gain the parent’s approval and not because it is what the child wants to do, then the child is being set-up to burn out/fail/live perpetually for a parent’s approval. A child learns to do something for approval/to avoid disapproval versus the natural consequences of their actions. I highly recommend the book “Scream Free Parenting” on this subject.
Mama Llama says
+1 I grew up in a very dysfunctional family where I spent a great deal of time and energy managing or attempting to manage my parents emotions, and when I failed at it I internalized it as something catastrophically wrong with me. This environment really did a number on me. So like anything else with parenting, striking a balance and considering the personalities of the kids involved is paramount.
Anon says
I love all of your replies. Thanks! Authoritative vs. Authoritarian also makes a lot of sense. Betty – you also really hit on something I need to explore further. I was responsible for my mother’s emotions a lot growing up (as you describe) and I see that bleeding over into how I function as an adult trying to control other people’s emotions. If I just do X, ____ will be happy again. It’s unhealthy.
Anonymous says
Fwiw, these did nothing for me. N*pple shields saved me. I used them for a different reason (flat n*pples) but they made b-feeding so much more comfortable. My daughter is six months and I still rarely b-feed without a shield.
blueridge29 says
Yes, nipple shields are the only way I was able to nurse my oldest. I was able to gradually wean off of them, but I never would have been able to nurse without them. Certainly worth a try if you are really struggling in the early days.
shortperson says
these gel pads saved me w both babies. at least, the medela version did. i give one set to all my friends who are having babies.
AIMS says
Bunk bed question. At what age can you get a bunk bed? We’re going to have 2 kids share a room and bunks are definitely part of that arrangement. Currently, however, we’d like to start transitioning our 2 year old out of her crib so that in a few months the baby can be moved from a mini crib in our room into her crib in their room. Oldest is definitely ready for a “real” bed, but I’m wondering if it would be totally nuts to just get a bunk bed now and not have anyone sleep up top for a while or if we need to just do a regular bed for a few years and then get bunks when both kids are older. We have occasional sleepover guests (cousins, etc.) and it would be nice to have the extra space now, plus I could throw a lot of the stuffed toys there, and it would save us from buying a bed that we’ll only need for a short while. FWIW, kids are 2 years apart and the oldest is fairly responsible/good about climbing.
Anonymous says
I think age 6 is the recommended age for using a top bunk. Maybe try a twin bed with a pull out underneath? Could you fit two toddler sized beds in the room or a twin + toddler sized bed? My 3.5 year old still sleeps on a toddler bed. So youngest could just use a crib or toddler bed until oldest is ready for a top bunk.
avocado says
I would have been nervous about my kid having access to a bunk bed at age 2. How about buying the type of bunk bed that can be set up as two twin beds? This would allow you some flexibility both now and later on, in case you still aren’t ready to bunk the beds when older kid is 4 and younger is 2.
CHL says
I moved mine when they were two and four (recommendation is 6. We got a “lower” bunkbed from Ikea and I was comfortable with our 4 year old. I have a contraption called a “toddlelock”that hooks on the ladder and prevents a little one from getting up to the top. You can also diy something similar using a box and tape, etc.
anon says
Unfortunately, I’d say 5 or 6 for the younger kid, depending on personality.
We rented a beach house this Christmas with bunk beds in one of the rooms. Kids (cousins) were 5, 3, and 2. We ended up un-bunking the beds because they kept “making bad decisions” as a group. The 5 year old would have been totally fine in that situation by herself, but she’s smart, cautious, and mature for her age. Adding in the younger kids made it way less safe.
In the mean time could you get a trundle bed?
Anonymous says
I have a very careful, responsible 4.5 year old. I would not get her a bunk bed.
We have used them in the past on vacations and such, and she’s just…very sleepy at night. And she still will sometimes come into our room in the middle of the night in a half-awake daze. I’d be nervous of her climbing down a ladder. Perhaps one of the step or slide kinds might work better for a younger kid?
But in terms of like…falling out, she is totally fine.
Anonymous says
We just visited a family where their newly minted 3 year old has a bunk bed. It’s got stairs at the foot of the bed, rather than a ladder on the side. It’s also got a full bed as the bottom. Both of those things seem somewhat safer. Mom said she made him get up groggy from nap several times and climb down the steps. But I suspect he’s going to have to sleep on the bottom while doing nighttime toilet training.
I’d like to get my kid the Ikea Kura half-loft bed when she gets to be about 4, but that’s mostly for the additional floor space.
Allergies says
Not what you asked, but we decided against bunk beds because the bottom bunk can create dust and dust mite problems for the child on that bed. So something to think about if your family has asthma or allergies.
AIMS says
Can you explain?
Inguinal Hernia says
My son is having surgery for an inguinal hernia on Friday. I understand that this is extremely common, so I thought I’d ask if anyone can share what to expect from a parent’s perspective (how long things take, how freaked out kid got, etc.). He’s 2.
Thanks!
Mama Llama says
I don’t have any experience with this, but I just wanted to say that it sounds stressful, even it is routine, so hugs, if you want them!
ElisaR says
my son just had this procedure done in January (he turned 2 in March). It had to be rescheduled 3 times (!) but ultimately went smoothly and was easy. The reason for rescheduling was that it was originally scheduled to be in an ambulatory center and when I mentioned to the anaesthesiologist (sp?) that he is susceptible to croup so decided she wanted it done in a hospital in case anything went wrong. Then the 2nd time they decided he was a little too congested to procede (I didn’t even think he was sick at all but I’m jaded from him being in daycare).
The lead-up was about an hour and a half, procedure was about 45 minutes (in addition to hernia, he had to have his testicle relocated), and then it took about 1.5 hours recovery. That was the one thing that surprised me. The doctor came out and indicated that he’d be awake soon — but it took awhile for him to wake up. When he did he was a little groggy and grumpy but was fine but that night. I brought a lot of books and stuffed animals – keeping him occupied during the lead up was honestly the hardest part. Hope this helps!
Inguinal Hernia says
Thank you! This is helpful and in line with what they told me. We think my son’s is straightforward wth nothing else that needs to be done. I’m dreading withholding milk in the morning, but bought a bunch of special treat small toys for occupying him in the hospital. Glad to hear your son did so well!
ElisaR says
i was very worried about withholding milk – but it was a total nonissue. We woke him up earlier than he usually gets up and between that and the excitement of the hospital he didn’t freak out. Good luck, he will do great!
Betty says
Questions about the trade-off between full-time and part-time work: I currently work full-time (40 hours +/- depending on what is going on) in house with a fair amount of flexibility (two days from home, I can swing my work day from 7:30-3:30 to 9-5 or in between, and make up hours after bedtime, if need be). My husband works way more than 40 hours with at least 2-3 days of 12 hour days plus constant checking-in with work.
Our kids are 4 and 7, with our youngest entering K this fall. Our oldest has a chronic health condition, and we are starting to have him tested for ASD and starting on counseling for him next week.
Objectively, I can see that everything is being held together, but I feel like I am just barely keeping it all going. I’ve long considered asking about going to part-time (maybe 80%), but I am concerned that I will loose some of the flexibility that seems to come with full-time work. I am concerned about doing all the work I do now, but squeezing it in to fewer hours. To top this off, my new boss has made disparaging comments about others who are not committed in that they work part-time. She has also commented that she always worked full-time, and she has two kids in college. I feel like I need a bit more margin to do more than just barely keep it all together. Not sure exactly what I’m looking for here…
AIMS says
Can you do a compressed schedule of say 730-5:15 with one full day off a week? This may or may not be practical depending on your job but it can work for some people.
OP says
This is what I would ask for too. It sounds like if you switch to part time you will take a pay cut and do the same amount of work (since you’re already asking about fitting in all the work you do now).
Anon says
I think I would love a compressed schedule if I wasn’t billing. But the idea of taking my day from 7-8 billable hours to 8-10 is just way too much too handle. (I know some of you do it in biglaw all the time, and you’re awesome – it just isn’t for me.) If there was any wiggle room in my day for non-billable type work…or you know, just taking 15 minutes to talk to a coworker without “making it up”…I would be all over this.
Betty says
Oh I hadn’t thought of that! I can spin this as a suggestion for the summer as a trial-period. I don’t have billable hour requirements, so I think it could work.
Meg Murry says
Or something like 3 days in the office at 7:15-5:30 and then 2 half days from home – that might work best with doctor and counseling appointments if you can get the majority of the appointments all in the mornings or all in the afternoons.
I know it’s not easy, but if possible could you ask about scheduling out as many of the appointments now as possible so that you can get consistent times. For instance, it may be easier to swing if you are always off on Thursday afternoons, rather than swinging your schedule all around. Also, somehow the optics of taking one of your “off” days as Tues, Wed or Thurs are different than being off on Mondays or Fridays in some offices – taking off every Thursday seems like a schedule adjustment for appointments, but in some offices taking off every Friday looks like “person who wants a 3 day weekend”.
anon says
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I posted about this recently too because I feel chained to the flexibility of private practice (law) with my special needs daughter. For now, I’ve resigned myself to staying full time to maintain that flexibility but being open-minded about the future. I think that I have the flexibility that in the future that if my performance decreased or I just felt I had to downshift, I could do it then but for now, I’m doing the best I can and that better be good enough for my job. But it’s a delicate balance – frankly if we had to add another weekly therapy or appointment at this point I would probably need to go part time. Maybe give it a month with the new counseling and see how it goes? I frequently borrow trouble when it comes to these things and try to give myself a few weeks whenever new therapies are added to adjust my schedule. But know that you’re doing awesome with a difficult situation!
Anon says
What’s your childcare situation? Can your childcare provider handle some of the routine less important appointments? Right now you probably want to be at all of them but overtime you could probably outsource some of that.
Meg Murry says
This is what I was going to say. If you don’t think you can work any less (or will wind up trying to handle the same amount of work in less hours), can you bring in more help? An afterschool nanny? Or way outside the box – are there any relatives (grandparents, retired aunts, etc) that would consider moving closer to you to help with taking care of the kids? Or am I remembering correctly that you have an au pair – will that be better once your daughter is in K (is it all day?) so the au pair can handle afternoons and weekends? Or will you still be juggling with school letting out at 3 and lots of afternoon and evening appointments?
If you tried to go 80%, is there anyone that could pick up the slack that you could delegate to? Or would the reality be that you’d still be working 40+ hours with just slightly less facetime requirements and less pay?
Am I remembering correctly that your husband works in education? If so, does that mean he’ll be less crazy soon-ish (like June?) and can pick up some slack and you just need to push through these next few months (perhaps with some extra outside help)? Or will he be just as busy in other ways or am I remembering wrong?
anon says
That’s really not realistic, especially if kiddo is getting counseling for ASD. It’s not just about getting the kid to the appointment; the parent is often involved in part of the session.
Anon says
I think you need to have a hard convo with your husband. You’re already at 40 hours – he’s the one working more, and he’s the one whose absence you’re trying to cover. Is there any way for him to dial that back? Yes, he might take a career hit, but you either already have, or will if you go to part time. You can’t be the one to do ALL the sacrificing – he agreed to have these kids too.
Having him take on responsibility for some of the childcare or household items would go a long way toward making it feel more manageable for you. You two are in this together, he needs to understand that having a family takes some input and sacrifice on his part as well.
lala says
We got them when our oldest was 3, almost 4. We transitioned him to a floor bed first. The bunk bed we purchased is lower to the ground because it has a house structure on top. So the bottom bunk is pretty much on the floor except for some slats and about an inch of space, and the top bunk is surrounded by a few boards that make it so he cannot roll off. Based on this, we let him sleep on the top when he turned 4.
It has been really nice to have the extra bed for when we have guests over!
Our youngest is still in the crib, but it’s nice to have the lower bunk for him once he decided to climb out (hopefully never, ha).
lala says
for AIMS re: bunk beds . . .
AIMS says
Thanks! This is sort of what I am thinking – a very low bunk bed and keep the top off-limits except for when we have overnight guests. But of course hard to know what the baby will be like and whether he will observe the same limits as our older one. Which bed did you get, out of curiosity? Land of Nod has an option you can buy in stages (low bed with a lofted bed for the top), which we’re considering but it’s on the pricey side and I am worried to do it this way and then they discontinue the top part. PB also has a regular low bunk version for small spaces.
AIMS says
That should be Crate & Barrel, not Land of Nod since that’s no longer a thing.
Katala says
Ikea has a low bunk bed (Kura) and there are a lot of ideas on pinterest to make it Montessori style (i.e., floorbed). So lower bed can be either a mattress on the floor or raised up a few inches on slats. The top bunk is only a bed (with 4 sides) if you flip the bed and put the slats in. At first, you can just have it be an open hole (think kind of like a canopy bed without the fabric?). And turn the ladder side to the wall so no one can climb. Then progress to using the top bunk as it makes sense (bottom would be a mattress on the floor). If we decide to have ours share, we’ll probably get this one. It’s inexpensive enough that I won’t mind changing it out for another option if we move or situations change.
lala says
If you search “Donco Kids Deer Blind Bunk Bed” that’s the one we got (from Amazon). We didn’t get the fabric parts, just the grey wooden bed. My 4 year old (who was a crib lover) LOVES it, because he feels safe and tucked away at night.
He has never had issues climbing out in the morning/middle of the night, but we did put some cushioning (old crib mattress) under the ladder in the beginning just in case.
AIMS says
Thanks! And thanks for all the ideas in general. Lots of food for thought.
Meiqi says
I couldn’t agree more. Another CPA here. After a work day spent in front of spreadsheets and a winter that won’t end, the last thing I want to do is stay inside with the kids playing with Paw Patrol toys, which is my son’t favorite pass time aside from watching the cartoon. I have three (one 3.5 year old step daughter, one 3 year old boy and a 15 month old girl.) The oldest one’s occupational therapist said that her muscles are “exceptionally weak” and my son has a love affair with food, so I have the older two enrolled in sports and swimming classes on weekends. The baby is enrolled in swimming because she loves the water. I’m considering adding a MyGym (gymnastics) class to the mix. The older two attend preschool full time and the baby has a nanny for a half day and daycare for a half day. Although it may seem like overscheduling, I’m more concerned that they don’t get enough exercise. I didn’t grow up with all these classes either, but I also grew up in a house with a pool and spent weekends at a cousin’s house with acres of land for us to safely run around. Also, my step daughter is in the stage where she think’s it’s funny to run off, so having her exercise in a confined space is a big plus. We could save money just going to the park now that the weather is nice, but it’s really hard to corral three toddlers simultaneously.
Redux says
Speaking of swim lessons…
My kiddo 4.5 and loves the water and will jump off of a boat into a lake wearing her PuddleJumper, but does not know how to swim. The Y is telling me she needs to be in the stage 1 toddler group, called “water acclimation,” because she cannot swim 5 ft. on her own. But, is she going to be bored? I definitely want her to learn the fundamentals at the right level, but I feel like Stage 1 “water acclimation” doesn’t seem to describe her level of comfort in the water. I’m tempted to sign her up for Stage 2 “water movement,” but also I want to keep my tiger momhood in check.
Anonymous says
Sign her up for Stage 1. If she cannot swim the 5ft requirement then how will she be able to keep up in a class that is based on all the kids having met that requirement?
RR says
Stage 1. If she’s bored, then she should quickly move up to the next level. If not, she will learn to swim. Those classes are pretty fun regardless.
Redux says
Ok, thanks!
KateMiddletown says
Not sure what their Stage 1 means but I believe our gym used Swim Safe and Level 1 was legitimately “water acclimation” aka for kids who had never taken a bath or something. Basically they had the kids pour water on their heads and blow bubbles. No swimming at all until level 2. Maybe the YMCA is more advanced?
Spirograph says
This sounds like my daughter. She is 3 years old, YMCA stage 1 and definitely not bored. I just wish her skill would catch up to her confidence. I usually swim laps during her class and then we play at free swim together afterward. She loooves the water, but she can’t swim without a floatation device.
Fwiw, my son got suddenly much more coordinated with swimming around 4.5 and is stage 2 for probably one more session (just turned 5), so your daughter will probably move up quickly, but definitely stick with their levels.
sharingroom says
Can anyone offer thoughts on logistics of sharing a bedroom? We’re thinking about #2 soon. If all goes to plan, #1 will be 2.5 to 3 years. We have a 3 bed / 2.5 bath townhome. Master bedroom and 2nd bedroom are on one floor and the 3rd bedroom is up one flight of stairs. Currently, baby has bedroom on our floor and the 3rd bedroom is study/guest room.
How would you have #2 share bedroom with #1 based on different sleep schedules etc? What if they are different genders?
If baby #2 is in our room for 6 months, baby sleeps a lot earlier than we do, so how do we stay up in bed, get ready in our bathroom etc without waking baby up? This was an issue with #1 and she always started the night in her own room from the beginning..
Is it better to just give up our home office and move baby #1 to her own room? We use the home office a ton and we could just move it to our bedroom I suppose, but this is definitely not ideal..
Marilla says
Our second is on the way and our first will be just over 2.5 when baby arrives. We only have two bedrooms, so they’ll have to share a room! The plan is for baby to start in our room until he/she is on a more normal schedule. Our 2 year old was a terrible sleeper in her first year and co-slept for the first 6 months and didn’t start going to bed early until 7-9 months (she would be up all evening). I don’t have high expectations that the second baby will get on a more standard sleep schedule until around the same time, but if they do then they’ll move in to sharing a room with 2 YO earlier than planned!
Other thoughts – our 2 YO is still in her crib and loves it in there and has never tried to climb, so I’m keeping her in there as long as possible. We’ll likely buy a second Ikea crib for the baby so she doesn’t feel pushed out of her safe space too early, and that way she can move into a toddler bed when she’s ready (her Ikea crib also converts so we may try that as an interim measure). It’s not a huge room and I haven’t exactly figured out where to put a second dresser for baby #2’s clothes, but I figure I’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Which is sort of my parenting philosophy for all future milestones.. we’ll figure it out when we get there. We do hope to add on to our little house in the next couple of years if we can make it work financially, or move if that’s a better strategy (husband is super attached to our lot/street so would rather build than move, I’m not particular either way).
Entertainment on the Go says
I’m in the throws of this now, by choice. It isn’t going well, but it’s…going.
ODD is 4.5, sleeps 7:30-7:30, and is a champ sleeper. We have a new baby arriving soon and enough room for everyone to have their own bedroom, but if 2 of the kids bunk, we get to keep a guest room/office. When ODD said she wanted to start sharing a room with YDD, we were psyched. YDD is just shy of 2, sleeps 8:30-6, is a crap sleeper (gets up 2-3 times at night and fusses, but eventually self soothes). We moved them into the biggest non-master bedroom together. YDD is still in her crib. New bedroom has 2 twin beds and the crib– right now one twin bed is empty but it’s there for when YDD is ready.
For now, I put ODD to bed at 7:30 on the dot. She falls asleep quickly, like within 5 minutes. At 8, DH or I bring YDD upstairs, change her diaper and brush her teeth in the bathroom, then go into the bedroom and quietly read a story (we tried doing a story elsewhere and it didn’t work– she wanted another when she got to her room). We put her in the crib, put on her music, and she yell/cries out/complains for a few seconds and then snuggles down to bed. When she wakes up at 6am, I rush in there to get her because she starts yelling MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA. 90% of the time I get in there and get her out before ODD wakes up from the noise.
We made the transition Easter weekend and at first, ODD was coming into our room crying because YDD woke her up almost every night. It’s been ~3 weeks and now ODD comes in only 1-2x/week. So…progress?
But during the day, they love it. I ask both of them all the time if they want to go back to “own rooms” and they refuse.
sharingroom says
Ohhh that’s fantastic and helpful, thank you. So did YDD have her own bedroom until now? I think once they hit 2 (if they’re a decent sleeper), they could share, but having baby younger than 2 share with older kid might be challenging…
Entertainment on the Go says
Yes, YDD “roomed in” with us for like, 3 weeks until we realized what a crap sleeper she was. She’d wake up every time DH snored, or I flushed the master bath toilet. We booted her into the nursery. We wanted to move them in earlier (well, ODD had been begging for it) and we told her as soon as her sister could sleep through the night. Which, as it turns out, was like…18 months. ODD was sleeping through at 6 weeks so our expectations were a little skewed.
In our new setup, we have an extra bed from the shuffle, so new baby’s room will have a crib and a double bed, in which I will sleep as needed vs having her “room in” with us.
Another consideration is that our girls’ room is huge and is also a playroom for them. So ODD can’t/doesn’t really go in there when YDD naps (1-3:30). With a little one that takes 2-3 naps/day, you might want to move all the toys out if those naps are crib/bedroom naps.
AIMS says
I would hesitate to put anyone on the 3rd floor because it just seems like way too much trouble to go up during night wake ups. My oldest slept in our room for a year and it was fine. We never had an issue with her going to bed first but we don’t do anything in our bedroom like watch TV, etc. I guess I didn’t read much in bed for that time but it wasn’t a hardship ( I could still read on my kindle or iPhone). We now have a new baby and he’s sharing our room and it’s also fine. We plan to transition him to daughter’s room around 6 months, if all goes to plan. RE: different genders – I don’t think this is an issue, at least not with young kids and certainly not with a baby and a toddler. RE: different schedules – every child is different, but I think toddlers are mostly pretty good at sleeping through noise so shouldn’t be a big deal. Neither kid seems to be bothered by the other crying for now except maybe at nap time when my daughter doesn’t sleep that deeply. Assuming we can get them on the same nap schedule at some point, I may let her nap in our room so that baby can nap alone in her room without waking her if he wakes up first or vice versa.
Anon for this says
Reposting as a separate thread.
I work closely with two men who are senior to me. Although we used to be a great, collaborative team, over the past few years the environment has become quite toxic. The less senior of the two men (let’s call him B) has just announced his resignation. He is currently directing a project on which I am second in command. The more senior co-worker (we’ll call him A) has had very little involvement with the project thus far. I have been doing most of the actual work and client management on the project, and I have plenty of experience directing this type of project.
I have suggested that I take over directing the project. Our department head has informally indicated that he supports this plan. A thinks he should take over the project “to show the client that we take them seriously.” This makes no sense to me, as I have basically been running this project myself quite successfully. If A takes over, I will still have to do all the work and all the client management but won’t get any credit for it internally. If I take over, I will not be taking on any additional real work, but will position myself well for a promotion for which I’ll soon be eligible. B is avoiding me, but I have reason to believe that he will support A instead of me.
I am meeting privately with our department head this afternoon. How would you handle the situation? My first instinct is just to make my case logically–no matter what A or B says, I am the one who’s actually been doing the work and am the logical person to take over the project, and it will make the smoothest transition from the client’s perspective. To make things more challenging, the department head is not a strong manager and is inclined to take the path of least resistance, and A has a lot of power in certain spheres of the organization.
NewMomAnon says
How strongly do you feel about it? If it’s make or break for you to get the credit (or compensation) of leading the team, you need to convey that. If you indicate that you don’t feel strongly, you probably will be passed over. Don’t play the part of a team player if it means you’re likely to leave the company because you feel resentful afterward.
But, I am in a take-no-prisoners sort of mood. So cooler heads might have better advice.
Anon for this says
I feel very strongly about getting the credit for leading the team. Until B announced that he was leaving, I was considering exit strategies. Then A and B were both out of the country for an extended period, during which B announced his resignation. While they were out of the way, it became glaringly obvious that both A and B had been not just interfering with my ability to do my job, but actively sabotaging me. During their absence I was amazingly effective and productive and started working on some new ventures with new people, and now I see a whole range of possibilities opening up. Getting credit for directing this project will help solidify this new trajectory. And it won’t take any additional work–A is such a terrible manager that it’s actually less work to run a project myself than it is to be the second on one of his projects.
NewMomAnon says
I don’t know if you need to share all of that, but if not getting this role will lead to you leaving the company, the company should know that. And then they get to decide if your contributions are as valuable as A’s.
FWIW, I wouldn’t frame it as dysfunction – I would frame this as, “I’ve been running this project independently and I am ready to be recognized and compensated for the work I do. If that can’t happen here, then I’ll take my services elsewhere. Happy to transition it back to A, but I am not going to work under him.”
Anon for this says
Update: A and B are strongly against my taking over the project, even more so than I expected. I met with the department head and he is giving it to me and advising that I not include A on the team at all. Time to sink or swim!
Mama Llama says
Yay! Go get em!
NewMomAnon says
Yeah! Go you!
Ella says
That is awesome! Ugh to A and B — so great you were vindicated.
Entertainment on the Go says
Does your car have built in TV? When do/are the kids allowed to use it?
My kid has been having playdates where she’s transported by the parent and apparently Parents These Days [in my town] are allowing their kids to watch TV basically whenever they are in the car. Our car is a dumb car on purpose. I hate gadgets and we had to shop around hardcore to find a semi luxury car with no tvs/devices that yell at you and correct your driving. We have old ipads/phones that we allow the kids to use when we go on long car trips (typically to visit grandparents, who live 2-3 hours away [kids get devices at the 1 hour mark OR if the baby falls asleep and we need Car Quiet Time, whichever comes first], or something >1-1.5 hours away). I literally could not believe it when my daughter said she watched a few minutes of Thomas the Train between our house and the playground that they played at.
WTF. Am I just an Old here? It’s almost disturbing me to the point I’d ask a playdate parent not to allow my kid to watch TV in their car to LITERALLY DRIVE TWO MILES. My kids are all under 6, if that matters.
Anonymous says
It’s crazy. My sister has it and turns it on literally anytime her kid is in the car. And she only has one kid! My three are allowed to take turns with the Ipad once the trip is over an hour. What happened to playing I Spy or singing also with kids music or looking at books (seek and find books are great for the non-reader set).
Entertainment on the Go says
My 5 year old brought it up, asking why we didn’t have TVs in the car like all her friends. “We do other things on short trips, but you get to watch movies when we go on long trips, remember?”
My kids are fine with a 20 minute drive and no TV. At the 30 minute mark, they start to need amusement, so like, We play I spy, do things like each pick a color and look for houses of that color, we have water-paint pad things (paint on a dry erase with water), snacks, etc. Even on long trips I try and make them hold off until the hour mark because…well..IMHO being bored and staring out the window is character building.
GCA says
Huh, interesting. We live in the city so the day-to-day car trips, if any, are pretty short, and I don’t think I know any families who do car TV *as a default*. I guess you can explain to the 5yo that different families just do things differently. Perhaps she can suggest playing I spy or singing camp songs when in friends’ cars?
Anonymous says
+1. I consider myself a pretty lax parent, but the turning on a TV or allowing a device on a trip shorter than an hour just seems crazy to me. If we are traveling, I bring an ipad or kindle for my 5 yo (nothing yet for the 18 month old) and she can watch what is pre-loaded. I refuse to hand over my phone in the car. I’ve told her it’s for safety reasons and thus far she’s good with that (even though I do let her watch stuff on my phone occasionally in restaurants – because sanity).
GCA says
We have, like, an elderly third-hand car so it definitely has zero built-in gadgets. But on the flip side, 5 minutes of Thomas or Daniel Tiger between house and playground is probably not going to do that much harm to your kid, if it’s balanced out with 1 hour of playground romping around.
MomAnon4This says
This. Unless you said “no screen time!” at the same time you said, “Do youhave any guns in your house, if so are they locked up?” this is not a problem. Just explain to your daughter that some families are different. That is all.
Anonymous says
+1
J says
We don’t have anything built in. Kiddo gets to use DH’s iPad in his car a lot. I don’t have one and DH takes his iPad to work, so it just isn’t an option in my car. I hate that we’ve given into it on some shorter trips, but we watch very little tv at home. So oftentimes, it helps get us out of the house without a fight. It’s a choose your battle thing for me. FWIW, kiddo is 2.5.
Pogo says
I feel like the screen time loses its usefulness if you get to watch it every single car ride ever?
Anonymous says
This. My kids don’t get a lot of screen time so I’m able to get a lot out of 20 minutes of Daniel Tiger.
Legally Brunette says
We don’t, but we also don’t do any screen time at all so we are probably extreme in that respect. I hate the idea of gadgets being everywhere around us all the time. It’s nice to listen to music in the car or just chat or be silent.
Entertainment on the Go says
We are not even anti-screen time. My older kid probably watches 30-60 minutes a day, maybe has days with none and has a few days with 2 hours (1 hour of games while baby naps and I frantically do work, 1 hour of TV). It’s just something about attention span, I think, that bothers me. We try mightily to never bring devices into restaurants, either. We’re a family of 5, so if we go out to eat, we are there to be with eachother, and not all looking at screens.
When we only had 1, we went out to eat to enjoy food leisurely, so keeping our baby quiet was higher on the priority list. Now…if we think the kids are going to need a screen to get through a meal, we simply don’t go. Or we go to a fast food place.
Anon says
We have a similar philosophy (screen time is ok at home sometimes, but we have only used it at a restaurant once). We don’t do screens in the car ever, because my 2.5 year old is the “give an inch, take a mile” kind of kid and we don’t want him to realize it’s an option to watch tv in the car. We got lucky then he’s generally good in the car, but we had some tough humps to get over first.
I completely agree with your concerns over ruining our kids’ attention spans. Plus, there is so much to be gained by looking out the window, chatting as a family, and learning how to be bored/still. We often hear him chattering away in the back, making up games with his feet. (Then we drive the 4 hours to grandma’s and all his grade school cousins sit on their iPads the whole time and I double down on my decision of not letting screens into the car for a toddler…)
SC says
We don’t have any built-in TVs, on purpose. We bought our car new and hope to keep it long after the $5000+ “entertainment option” becomes ridiculously outdated. We allow Kiddo to watch movies or play a game with an old iPad during a long car trip. Occasionally, I’ll let Kiddo watch TV or play a game on my phone in the car–I’ve done this exactly twice–once in traffic, and once when we’ve left a restaurant late but I didn’t want Kiddo to fall asleep in the car. I try not to do it often because Kiddo asks for the phone the next 30 times we’re in the car.
To the people asking about “I Spy” and other road games during family road trips, I never did that growing up. I was an only child, and my parents wanted to talk to each other in the front seat. I have no idea what I did when I was really little, but our longest road trips were only about 3 hours. When I was around 7, we moved to Florida, which meant it was a 12-hour road trip to get anywhere. My parents always left early in the morning, so I slept for almost the first half of the trip, and I remember reading and playing with activity books and games. I also bugged my parents a lot. When I was in middle school, we had a TV and VCR in our RV van, and it was glorious on long road trips. I don’t think I missed out–sometimes technology is a really good thing.
Anonymous says
God, speaking as another Florida transplant who spent what feels like half of my childhood driving up and down I-95, I totally agree. We did not have a TV or anything in our car and I don’t have many fond memories of family bonding in the car, just long trips we got through as fast as possible. I am so grateful my son can zone out while we drive up and down the interstates now. I will require him to look out the window and pay attention if we ever drive past South of the Border though. That’s culture.
SC says
Thanks for reminding me about South of the Border! I have the biggest smile I’ve had all day.
ElisaR says
curious which car did you wind up that had no screens (I’m totally on the same side as you – just curious what car met the criteria because I drive a 2007 SUV now and never had to consider it)?
mascot says
We allow portable screens for road trips (car is not equipped with them). Kid also packs a bag with small toys, puzzle/activity books, books/magazines and colored pencils. He alternates between playing on his kindle and doing something from his bag. Sometimes he opts for a nap. As a kid, I remember playing with action figures in the back seat, reading a book (always had a book with me), or taking a nap. When GameBoys came out, we played with those. My parents controlled the radio and weren’t interested in having ongoing games or conversations for the whole trip. My mom liked to read and my dad was happy to drive and listen to music. The car is one of the few times I get uninterrupted time to read so I also tend to disappear into a book on trips so I don’t feel bad if my kid wants to have his own quiet time.
avocado says
Our car doesn’t have built-in screens. The kid has a phone but is not allowed to use it in the car on short trips. If I want to get her off her phone during a longer trip, I ask her to let me plug it in to the stereo in the front seat so we can listen to her music. She just figured out that the car has Bluetooth, though, so I don’t think that trick will work any more.
It drives me nuts when her friends’ parents let them watch movies during short car trips. They should be taking advantage of the time to interact with one another, not sitting there passively watching snippets of some lame movie they’ll never finish.
anonanon says
Is 18 months too young to buy a Kindle Fire kid? We have four flights coming up (ouch) to see various family members and my son is in a major “I don’t want to be contained” phase. He has never used any kind of ipad or anything else, but our last flight was kind of a disaster.
Anonymous says
What would the advantage be over a device you currently have? At that age my kids mostly just wanted to watch videos of themselves or family members or pets or flip through the photos on my phone/ipad. There wasn’t much watching of any kind of show or movie until like age 3.
anonanon says
I don’t have any device other than my smartphone. We are an ipad-less kindle-less house!
Anonymous says
I would say yes to some kind of larger screen in that case. Try vidos/pictures as mentionned.
NewMomAnon says
It’s not too young, but I agree with previous commenter – at 18 months, kiddo didn’t have much attention span for screen time, so it wouldn’t have saved us the headache of entertaining her on the plane. FWIW, a roll of blue painter’s tape and some snacks that come in lots of small pieces are a lot cheaper and more likely to kill the time.
Anonymous says
Blue painters tape works well. There are also a couple of Fisher Price apps that are interesting to really small children which involve moving shapes around. Those seem less “flashy’ than actually watching a show. And agree that videos of themselves are a big hit.
If you are set on a device, I would recommend a kindle over an ipad for that age group. Cheaper and way more indestructible.
Anonymous says
On the flip side, my kid at 18 months would watch TV for 3 hours. Like the whole Star Wars trilogy back to back.
We started with the documentary Babies (available on Netflix). But she’s always had a good attention span (Never wake a sleeping baby; never interrupt a kid at play!)
Of course the downside is that there is no “enough” of television now that she’s 2.5. If we give her even five minutes we’ll have screaming, so she gets it on weekend mornings and sick days. I’m super jealous of the “my kid watches one episode of Daniel Tiger while I make dinner” moms.
GCA says
We don’t really have any dedicated kid devices – just one tablet (husband’s) and two smartphones (one per parent). And then on the 12h and 8h flights we took when kiddo was 2.5, he was quite happy to watch Finding Dory on the seat-back screen…without sound. (Don’t ask me!) At 18 months he wouldn’t have had the attention span for anything longer than a couple of minutes. We did a lot of books, toys, snacks, stickers, Water Wow books, walking up and down the plane…
EB0220 says
We got our kids each a Kindle Fire when they were around 2.5-3. Before that, not much of an attention span for shows as others mentioned. At 18 months, what saved us on flights were: Munchie Mug with goldfish, looking at videos of friends/family/animals on my phone, the pet sections of the SkyMall and saintly fellow passengers.
SC says
I’ve heard several parents say that getting kids their own device makes it harder to set time limits and take it away. This probably applies more to 2.5-3 year olds than 18 month olds. You can still buy a Fire for “the family” and let your child use it on flights, but I’d be hesitant to label a screen “Kiddo’s.”
Entertainment on the Go says
I only let my kids (one is 22 months) use devices on long hauls (1 hour+ car trips, airplanes etc). We just let them use an iphone. They do not *need* a larger screen.
My toddler looks through photos and movies of herself for 30 minutes, happy and silent. If yours likes movies/games already, they can do that on a tiny screen too. ODD watches movies on my old iphone 4S and is delighted.
Not saying you CAN’T buy them their own, but you don’t have to.