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This is a cute nursing top from Motherhood Maternity. I love the pattern, colors, and the v-neck. I also like that it has a soft drape without looking frumpy. It has one-button closure for nursing, and that’s incorporated into the wrap style. On the website, the plus-sized version is styled with a nursing tank underneath, which I think still looks cute. The shirt also looks like you could easily throw a blazer on over it to dress it up — and it’s machine washable. It is currently on sale for $22.48 (marked down from $29.98) and is available in regular sizes (XS–XL) and plus sizes (1X–3X). Pullover One-Button-Closure Nursing Top
Psst: Looking for more info about nursing clothes for working moms, or tips for pumping at the office? We’ve got them both…
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Help with jeggings please! says
I posted a little while back about trying to upgrade my wardrobe for chasing my kid around. Someone mentioned jeggings and it was a light bulb moment! However, I have tried at least 20 pairs of soft jeans or jeggings and can’t seem to find something that fits right. Does anyone have recommendations? FWIW, I’m short with big thighs and small(ish) waist which has made the fit tough. I like the feel of the AG Jeans with powerstretch but the fit isn’t quite right. Thank you so much in advance. I am so tired of trying on pants…
AwayEmily says
YES I do! I have the same body type and what works best for me is the jeggings from Old Navy. They are REALLY soft, don’t fall down, and are quite flattering. Also, cheap! The pull-on style (the ones with an elastic waist, they’re called the Rockstar 24/7) work best…the regular button-up jeggings are too tight in the thigh and loose in the waist for me.
anon says
yes, you need ones without buttons! old navy are great or if you want to spend a bit more NYDJ makes some that are great as well.
ElisaR says
those Rockstar Jeggings were SUCH a good find for me.
Anonanonanon says
I haven’t tried the elastic-waisted variety, but I am very pear-shaped (Size 0 or 00 on top, 4-ish on the bottom due to booty and thighs) and the rockstar cut works for me! I highly recommend trying them in-store though, sometimes the size I get depends on the color. Maybe the different colors are made in different factories or something.
ElisaR says
totally agree. i own these pants in 3 different sizes for various colors!
GCA says
I’m cusp-of-petite-and-regular, with a long torso, athletic thighs and a smallish waist and butt. This has made pants shopping frustrating – things that fit my thighs are too baggy in the waist and seat, things that fit in the waist and seat are too tight on my thighs. Not jeggings, but I’ve had ok luck with the Rockstar jeans (held up with a belt), Athleta Metro tights, and (hear me out!) Silver jeans in the ‘joga’ and ‘fluid denim’ fabrics. Again, I have to use a belt with the jeans, but they sit quite high up on my waist and don’t require pulling up every 10 minutes.
Cb says
I am normally pretty anti-jeans but I’m liking Gap’s true skinny high waisted jeans and the modern jegging for momming days. The high waist is key for me, I don’t want to show my bum at the playground.
HSAL says
This is possibly a weird recommendation, but when I was dipping my toes into jegging territory, I found a pair at Target that were in the tights section. Like, they’re perfectly thick and opaque, but they were folded up in the paper loop like tights are. They were Merona brand, but it might be worth checking out whether A New Day is making them now. They don’t look quite like regular denim up close but they’re very stretchy and the pull-on style means they’re very smooth and you don’t see any bumps under your shirts.
Anonymous says
Similarly, during spring and summer in CA, I live in the “HUE Women’s Ankle Slit Essential Denim Capri Leggings” – they come in lots of colors and are sold like tights but are totally opaque. They are as comfy as tights. I wouldn’t wear them with a short shirt but with a tunic or just longer shirt they are PERFECT for momming days (and work from home days and days when I just can’t!).
Help with jeggings please! says
OP here! Thank you all so much for the recommendations! I just placed some orders and fingers crossed.
Tetra says
Any suggestions for size 18 maternity dresses that are at least kind of business formal? Thanks!
TheElms says
I have this in a size Large but it also comes in pluz sizes. I wear it to court with a black blazer and think its fine.
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/motherhood-maternity-plus-size-ruched-dress?ID=8667443&CategoryID=66718&sizes=DEPARTMENT_TYPE|MATERNITY_SIZE_PLUS_T!!Dresses|1X#fn=DEPARTMENT_TYPE%3DDresses%26SIZE%3DMATERNITY_SIZE_PLUS_T%3A1X%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D1936%26ruleId%3D134%7CBOOST%20ATTRIBUTE%7CM52MGP%7CBoost_count_0%26searchPass%3DmatchNone%26slotId%3D5
I have this style in a shirt and think it would make a very flattering dress. https://www.macys.com/shop/product/motherhood-maternity-tie-front-dress?ID=7917633&tdp=cm_app~zMCOM-NAVAPP~xcm_zone~zPDP_ZONE_B~xcm_choiceId~zcidM06MGB-5af758d2-91a3-46fa-8d63-e4d4c25ce086%40HA99%40Customers%2Bwho%2Bbought%2Bthis%2Balso%2Bshopped%25E2%2580%25A6%2466718%247917633~xcm_pos~zPos1~xcm_srcCatID~z66718
Anonymous says
This looked nicer than I thought it would in person (in black): https://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=181407082&cid=1010906&pcid=1008565
Have also been wearing the MMLF harlem skirt. It’s cut like maternity clothing.
Toddler Sleepover Advice? says
My sister and her 2.5 YO and my son who is only a few months younger will be visiting my parents. There is one spare bedroom. Are they too young to try a sleepover? Neither child has ever shared a room. I really *really* do not want him in my room but obviously will if you all think this is doomed to fail. Any advice appreciated. Thanks.
HSAL says
We’ve done it a couple times – when my daughter was almost 3 with her 5 year old cousin, and then a little over 3 with her 2 1/2 year old cousin. It’s obviously so kid-specific, but both occasions were just fine. They shared a toddler bed. There was a little extra giggling and talking, but they loved it and fell asleep relatively quickly. Might as well try it and you can take him into your room if they can’t settle down.
AwayEmily says
We’ve successfully done this a few times with kids around this age.
ElisaR says
my son was around that age when we went to the shore for a family trip. He wound up sharing a room with his 8 year old cousin so not quite the same thing — but it worked!
AK says
At our house for a sleepover, the two three year olds basically did not sleep.
At our friend’s house, she ended up rehoming one to the closet floor (“the nook”).
Anonymous says
You could put your kid to bed in your bed, other kid in other room, then transfer them to the same room after. we still sometimes do this with our kids when we know they won’t settle.
Kids' activities at an adult party says
Hello wonderful ladies! I’m throwing a party for my husband (lunch time event) and there will be both kids and adults, about 50 people total. The children have an adjoining room next to the party room where there will be a magician doing an hour long show in the middle of hte party. I have also hired two sitters to keep an eye on them so the adults can mingle and have fun.
Aside from the magician, what other activities can I provide to keep the kids engaged (aka: not running around crazy)? This is inside, no outdoor space. Kids will range from 4 – 12 or so. I was thinking of bringing a bunch of legos, puzzles, board games, coloring books, etc. from home but I’d love some other creative ideas.
There is a place in town where you can rent small kids’ activities that you can set up in a room like a very small putt putt course, etc. Is this a good idea or ideas on other things to potentially rent that go over well with kids of all ages?
Thanks!
GCA says
That sounds like plenty. (Train set? Play-doh?) Also, that age range is old enough to occupy themselves for a while – I would be more concerned about keeping the age 1-3 set entertained. As an 8 or 9-year-old at that sort of gathering, I would probably have played with the kids I knew and also brought a book if I just felt like sitting in a corner to read for a bit.
If you’ve hired sitters, could you have them lead the kids in crafts or board games – sort of like a camp counselor or a kids club counselor?
Anonymous says
This is already kind of over the top. Why not just let the kids hang out with their parents? It works just fine at weddings.
Some of the kids are going to run around like crazy no matter what entertainment you provide. My daughter’s preschool used to have issues with some kids refusing to sit and pay attention when they brought in magicians, animal handlers, the fire department, etc.
Anon says
This.
anon says
how long is the party and how many kids? depending on the kids a putt putt course sounds kind of like a bad idea – i picture golf balls getting hit everywhere and kids being hit with the clubs. what about large scale board games? like large jenga, connect 4 or chutes and ladders. i don’t know how much you are looking to spend, but some kind of craft? obviously not something with paint, but maybe fabric markers would be ok and they could decorate tshirts or hats or little wooden boxes. Or you could buy a bunch of blank puzzles and they could color their own puzzles
EB0220 says
Honestly, if you really want them not running around like crazy…I would do a movie.
Anonymous says
Yes definitely. And a 12 year old doesn’t want to watch a magic show with a bunch of babies.
avocado says
This. 12-year-olds want to be treated like almost-adults. My 12-year-old would either be entertaining the babies and preschoolers or hanging with the other 12-year-olds. She would be deeply offended to be banished to a separate room with a magician, unless you asked her to do you a favor by helping out with the younger kids.
OP says
Jeez guys. There is one 12-year old, I should have said that. Most kids coming are in 5-7 range.
The party will be going on for 3-4 hours, hence my decision to have one planned activity (magician) so the kids will have something to engage.
ElisaR says
i think this sounds like an awesome party. I’m kind of inspired to try something along these lines! I feel like post-kids I don’t bother doing anything and my husbands 40th just came and went with little acknowledgement on my part…. maybe i’ll do a surprise 41.
OP says
Thank you ElisaR! I hope it will go well. :) It’s the first time we have tried something like this as well. I think it will be fun and it was important to us that kids be included.
shortperson says
i think it sounds really fun too.
Doodles says
I have a similar question. Same type of indoor venue but kids are age 0 – 11. With most being under 6. This is my kid’s first birthday party. About 50 adults and 15 kids. What kind of entertainment should I provide in the kids’ room?
Anonymous says
If it’s a kid’s birthday party, why are the kids being sent away to a separate room?
Anonymous says
+1. Totally understanding wanting a kids’ room at an adult party. But if the party is for a child, even a baby, sending kids away to a separate room is just weird.
HSAL says
I realize that first birthday parties are more for the parents than the kid but still, yeah, super weird.
Anonymous says
No kids room. It’s a kids party.
shortperson says
there are a gazillion entertainment options. some things we’ve done/enjoyed: princess, balloon artist, bubble artist, facepainting, guitar player who sings kids songs and brings instruments for kids to participate, multimedia craft (our favorite: treasure boxes to decorate from teatotspartyplanning on etsy), dinosaur dig
Immigrant Anon says
Eh, I dunno. I don’t know OP, but it’s pretty normal in some (Non-White) cultures to have big 1st birthdays that are more focused on the friends/community aspect than the kid, so OP has a valid question.
OP says
Yes, it’s more like this. It’s a cultural thing to have a huge party for the 1st birthday. Most of these parties in my immigrant community (white but not that it matters) are in the evenings and for the adults. Kids are sent home with grandparents/babysitter and party continue. I’m actually going against tradition by having this party around lunch time so that it’s more kid oriented. But there will be a band, alcohol, and other entertainment for the adults so kids will be in a separate room. The kids room will be adjacent/connected to the bigger room.
TheElms says
I’m 8 months pregnant and recently learned that my FIL will be getting remarried when new baby is somewhere between 8 and 11 weeks old (best guesstimate) . I’ll still be on maternity leave. The wedding location is about a 6-7 hour flight away (accounting for a connection in the middle; there are no direct options or direct/drive options). Additionally, great grandma on husband’s side (only living grandparent for either of us) is about a 6 hour drive away from wedding location (only flying option would be about 6-7 hours with a connection because you have to fly back to a major hub city and then to the airport closest to great grandma’s location and drive an hour). Great grandma is in her late 90s and although in reasonable health, can’t travel. There isn’t another good opportunity to visit her before my maternity leave ends. Am I crazy to try to do this with a 2 month old? DH will be with me, but may be very busy because of some immovable work deadlines.
It would basically look something like:
1. Fly DC to Chicago or Denver, take connecting flight to Bozeman, MT a day or so before the wedding; probably on a Thursday.
2. Wedding stuff Friday/Saturday/ Sunday morning.
3. Leave Monday to drive 6-7 hours to great grandma in rural Idaho. Stay 2-3 days.
4. Drive to Spokane (1 hr), fly back to DC via connecting flight through Chicago/Denver/Phoenix.
Anonymous says
Sounds like a great plan. I would plan on two stops during the drive but be flexible on when/where as you’ll want to keep going if baby sleeps well and stop sooner if baby is fussy. Just make sure you budget enough time to arrive at least 24 hours before the wedding ceremony. That way if there are flight delays/changes you don’t have to panic about missing the wedding.
anon says
is the question about tacking on the visit to great grandma or about even attending the wedding? it would’ve been nice if your FIL took your family circumstances into account when choosing a date, but moving on from that…if you are definitely going to attend the wedding, then i don’t think it is that crazy to tack on the visit to grandma. a lot also depends on how your delivery goes and how YOU are doing. i personally was an emotional wreck after delivery and so this would have been very hard for me. most (but not all) 2/2.5 month olds sleep a lot and are easy travel companions. i would also say if possible, ship some diapers, etc. to Bozeman so you do not have to carry it all with you.
Anon says
For me, taking a checked suitcase was easier and cheaper than shipping everything. If you’re flying with another adult or you have someone meeting you curbside, a checked suitcase is really NBD.
Anon says
I didn’t do trips around that age, but had friends (PACE moms! You’re in DC – join PACE!) who did. The flights will probably be the easy part, and the driving will probably be hard and take at least 35% longer than you expect it to. Buf if I were you, I’d probably do it.
Anon says
Another thing to think about is vaccines – I would not take an unvaccinated baby on a plane or to a wedding. Some peds are flexible on dates of vaccines, but my ped was firm that they had to be two calendar months apart (eg, a baby born on March 12 could not get first set of vaccines until May 12, which is about 9 weeks old). It’s worth discussing with your ped. If the baby can’t yet be vaccinated, I think that’s a very good excuse for not going.
Anonymous says
Not at all crazy
Anonymous says
I won’t say “crazy” but for me, a 6-7 hour drive with a newborn would have been absolutely miserable. Baby needed to nurse every 2 hours or less, so in reality the drive probably would have taken more like 9-10 hours and she hated the carseat and likely would have been screaming for a pretty good portion of that. Flying (even long flights with layovers) is and always has been easier for us than roadtrips, but I do know a lot of parents that prefer driving their kids.
Anonymous says
Doesn’t seem too crazy to me. Just try to build in slack in your schedule, and get baby’s 2-month vaccines before you go. (Ideally a week or so before you go, so that they have time to kick in — obviously ask your ped, because I don’t really know what I’m talking about!)
TheElms says
I guess the question was both was it crazy to go to the wedding, and was it crazy to tack on the extra part of the trip to see great grandma. I’m glad it seems generally doable. I’m ok with not going if the baby hasn’t been vaccinated; I think that’s sensible and while FIL might not be happy I don’t think I would get real push back. He has known my due date since Christmas.
If the baby takes a bottle, could I bottle feed while baby is in the carseat (I’d sit in the back with baby) and we are still driving and then stop only to do a quick burp and diaper change? Or is that not possible?
Anonymous says
If you’re fully formula feeding, feeding baby in the carseat should work. If you’re nursing at all, your breasts will get very engorged and painful if you try to do a 6-7 hour drive without nursing or pumping. You can probably get away with less frequent stops if you bring bottles, but you’ll definitely need to stop at least once, and twice would probably be more comfortable for you if you’re exclusively or primarily breastfeeding.
Anonymous says
Or you can pump while driving and give the baby a freshly pumped bottle.
Anonymous says
My son had reflux and would not take a bottle in the car seat at that age. He also spit up every time we strapped him in, as it scrunched up his belly or something. So we had to stop to nurse and then change clothes…our 10 hour drive at 2 months was miserable. But many babies happily take bottles in the car. If you find yours won’t you might try driving overnight, which means fewer feedings usually.
Anonymous says
Plan to stop multiple times for feeding. Yes, you might not need to, but I’m reality you very well may need to.
Anon says
At that age they also recommend that you don’t keep baby in the car seat for more than a fixed period of time – I think it was something ridiculous like 1 hour. We generally stopped every 2-3 hours at that age to take her out of the car seat, stretch, nurse, walk around, etc. My kiddo was a quick nurser (10-15 minutes per session), so it really wasn’t that long of a stop, particularly since one or two of the stops would be a meal (and we’d get out of the car for meals rather than our pre-kiddo eat while driving fast food approach). We did a 5 hour drive at 3 months and it was fine, but she did scream for 2 of the 5 hours even with my husband sitting in the back with her, so noise cancelling headphones at least for the non-driver might be helpful.
Katarina says
I might be an outlier, but I think this would be a relatively easy time to travel with a baby. I would stop to feed the baby, whether from a bottle or nursing (I would do nursing if it is going well, it is easier to not have to bring lots of stuff). My kids slept well in a car at that age, so one or two stops would suffice, which I would probably need anyway. At that age, both my kids would sleep for most of the car ride and plane ride. I probably would nurse on the plane, which would help with the sleeping.
From my experience, the timing of the wedding would be fairly convenient, especially a. I find traveling with an older baby and especially a young toddler much harder, and not having to take extra time off of work would be a huge plus. FWIW I had a very easy recovery, and felt physically fine (other than breast pain) by two weeks postpartum.
I would probably wait to book tickets until after the baby is born, or get refundable tickets. To me, the biggest risk would be health problems for the baby that would prevent the trip.
Anonymous says
I think it’s up to your comfort level. Mine had reflux and I just didn’t feel comfortable with him trying to drink while in a car seat where he’s strapped in and the car is moving (for choking/aspirating reasons). Also, was nursing and DID NOT want to pump any more than I had to.
I stopped to nurse on trips every 2-3 hours. I did a 3 hour car trip when LO was 3.5 weeks old, and a 4 hour car trip when he was 8 or 9 weeks. They don’t even register in my memory so must not have been too bad. I did a 6 hour flight with an 11 week old + several 2 hour car trips during that weekend (for a wedding). Again, all was totally fine.
My main recollection of challenges were spit up and blowouts, both of which seemed to always happen at the worst time (like, had just buckled kiddo in and we heard a giant poop happen so we had to pull off highway and deal with it, etc). Lots of outfit changes for all involved but everyone had a great time!
Anonymous says
Blowouts are super common on airplanes too, especially shortly after take-off – something about the pressure changes makes it all come out. Trying to change a blowout diaper in an airplane bathroom is probably my worst parenting experience so far (my daughter is now 4). Air travel got so much less stressful when she started eating solid foods and her poops firmed up.
Anon says
Put a cloth diaper cover over the disposable (on airplanes and in any situation when changing clothes would be very annoying, like in the middle of a wedding). The elastics keep the poo in.
Lawyermom says
I have a four month old right now and I absolutely could not have done this at two/three months. I was exhausted and had a difficult labor and recovery. I don’t know if I could even sit for that long without pain/discomfort at month two. Not to mention having to listen to your newborn scream for 6-7 hours in the car would have been very upsetting especially with all the hormones. Honestly, I would sit this wedding out if I were you or book the tickets refundable. I was very optimistic about what I was going to be capable of doing during my maternity leave and then quickly discovered if I took a shower that day I was doing good. My sister on the other hand had a easy delivery/recovery and did travel during her maternity leave closer to the end of month three.
Anonymous says
As a counterpoint, I don’t think I had an “easy” delivery or recovery by any means (I had a third degree tear, got a nasty UTI from the epidural catheter and then got constipated so badly I had to seek medical treatment – don’t want to be too graphic, but it was bad) and I would have been fine to do this trip at 2 months. Not being able to sit without pain at two months is extremely rare, I think. Everyone I knew who’s given birth (whether v*ginally or C) has been fine to travel by 2 months postpartum, and I wouldn’t plan your life around worst case scenarios.
Anonymous says
Ha, I had nearly the exact same set of post-partum issues (+ crippling PPA). I remember at 11 days PP I went to a birthday party for my goddaughter and I still had issues sitting on a hard surface. By ~20 days PP I was moving around without pain. I was on miralax for like 3 months tho.
The catheter trauma lasted months, but I don’t think it really impacted my daily life – once it cleared up it was like a residual pain I noticed a few times a day. I wish I had known about that, for me that was worse than the epidural itself!
Anon says
Agreed. I barely traveled to the grocery store during maternity leave – and I’m only sort of kidding about that. But other seem to do better than I did.
ElisaR says
this was true for me too…. everybody is different.
SC says
We drove 5-6 hours with a 2-3 month old. He had some reflux issues and needed frequent burping, so we had to stop every couple of hours. I nursed while parked at a Sonic, at a gas station, and in an empty church parking lot. The trip took a lot of extra time, but I was fine, and traveling with a baby was pretty easy for us.
That said, it’s clear that everyone is different. I was on bed rest for the last month of my pregnancy, and I was SO ready to be up again. I was running short errands within a few days of giving birth and taking the baby out and about within a couple of weeks (as soon as we got a solid nursing routine down, really).
Blueberries says
I’d wait to book until after the baby is born or book refundable tickets. There’s so much up in air:
-your specific baby (will she hate/love the car seat? have colic? be a super easy quiet baby? do you need a bazillion contraptions to keep baby happy?)
-timing of birth/vaccinations and pediatrician’s assessment of risk to baby. vaccines usually take a bit of time to be fully effective.
-outbreaks of diseases like measles at that time. babies typically can’t get the mmr vaccine until age 1, but there have been pockets of measles around the country.
-how you/spouse feel about travel. will life be super hard even staying at home? or will you be itching for adventure?
-illness of great-grandma or wedding folks. will people attend the wedding even if they’re sick? will great-grandma tell you if she’s sick? will you let a sick great-grandma hold the baby?
NYCer says
I don’t think you’re crazy. We are planning to fly 5-6 hours (direct) after our baby gets her shots at 2 months, and then 7-8 hours around 3.5 or 4 months. Both trips are to visit our parents (who live in completely opposite directions!).
We don’t have a long drive in either location, but from what friends with kids have told me, the first few months is actually a relatively “easy” time to travel.
Anonymous says
One note about refundable tickets, since lots of people are advising you to do that… You should price it out, but often refundable tickets are WAY more than non-refundable tickets, like a domestic ticket might be $1000 more to get it refundable. If you buy a normal ticket and need to cancel and call in advance as opposed to just not showing up, the airline will charge you a change fee of $200 but the rest of the fare will be returned to you as a voucher. If the cancellation is because of your health or the baby’s health and you can provide a doctor’s note, you can almost certainly get the change fee waived, so there will be no cost to cancelling even a “non-refundable” ticket. Most OBs will give such a note generously, in my experience, so you may be able to get one even if there’s nothing medically “wrong” and you just have a tough recovery or if you expected a V birth and you have a C or something like that. So a refundable ticket may not make sense economically, even if there’s a good chance you expect to cancel.
I would definitely book fully refundable hotel rooms (or wait to book), since you will usually be out the entire cost of the hotel room if you book something non-refundable.
anon says
Along these lines, if at all possible Southwest is an excellent choice in this situation. Do note the “use by” date on the credit. I believe it’s one year after the purchase date–so you end up with less than a year to use it. Not usually impossible to do, but definitely be aware of it.
shortperson says
i had a very difficult delivery ending in a c section and could barely walk for two weeks. at age 4 weeks we did a long drive to a wedding, at 6 weeks were taking the baby on long road trips and at 3 months did an international trip. they were all fine, and fun! yes the recovery was tough but by 8-11 weeks would definitely been up to it. caveat that our baby did not have colic and was pretty easy. i would plan on it and then cancel at 6 weeks if baby is colicky.
Anon says
Meh, as the mom of a formerly colicky baby (now non-colicky toddler), that wouldn’t stop me. They’re going to scream no matter what, I don’t know that being in a car makes it worse (although on the airplane you’ll have to deal with other people who mind it – for us just constant nursing for the flight pretty much solved that), and at least you’re getting out and doing things as opposed to sitting inside and watching your baby cry (or holding your baby while she cries). To be perfectly honest, after weeks of all-day crying you kind of get used to it and tune it out.
Anonymous says
Agreed. My daughter was generally an easy baby, but cried every day for hours for about a month so I think technically that’s colic. I don’t see colic as a reason not to go places at all. We could quiet her with nursing on a plane and generally getting into her carseat was helpful, not harmful (I think a lot of her crying was due to gas and something about the carseat position helped the gas come out). You really do get used to it, and just go about your normal life even if the baby is crying.
PinkKeyboard says
I’d totally do it. As a data point I drove 5 hours, alone, with a 2 year old and a 1 month old to a family vacation…and it went totally fine. We stopped for lunch and gave the baby a bottle and it was all good.
TheElms says
Thanks so much for all the responses!
Alternative to galoshes? says
Is there a galoshes alternative? My kiddo won’t wear wellies (he just cries and cries and won’t walk) and is coming home from nursery with wet shoes everyday. A note from his nursery diary: ‘Wellies have many advantages but sometimes it’s good to feel what a puddle is all about – wet!’ He’s in Jack and Lilly leather sneakers which are fine in the rain but not when your kid just jumps directly in the mud puddles. Some sort of duck boot? We’re in Scotland so puddles are a year round reality of life.
AwayEmily says
Maybe take him to the store and let him try on a few different varieties of rainboots? Kids seem to really love Bogs.
Anon in NYC says
My kid wouldn’t wear rain boots – I think they were too heavy. We got her a pair of Bogs and she loves them.
Anonymous says
Waterproof hiking boots?
Redux says
Crocs? Kids love ’em and they are easy to rinse off and quick to dry.
Anonymous says
Crocs rainboots might also be more appealing because they are very light
Anonymous says
+1.
blueberries says
Bogs! They’re so much lighter and softer than traditional wellies, but work just as well for keeing feet warm and dry.
Law mama says
I love that diary entry! So sweet
Anon says
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer yesterday. We’ll know more about her prognosis and treatment options after they run some additional tests later this week. She’s already been told she’ll need surgery.
I’m worried about my mom (and still very much in shock, I think), and also stressed out about how to take care of her during this time. She lives 1.5-2 hours away and is single. She has a good circle of friends, but I’m not sure if they’re “drive you to chemotherapy” and “take care of you after surgery”-type friends. I’m a working mom to a toddler with a husband who travels 60-75% of the time (DH just started a new job late last year, so he’s still in the “building goodwill and credibility” phase with his new employer). We have a small family to begin with and I’m the only relative who lives in the same state as she does. Trying to figure out how to balance being a mom, keeping my job, and taking care of my own mom is making my head spin.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for by posting this – maybe some advice or perspective? Has anyone been in this dual-caregiver situation before? Any advice on how to get through these next few months?
Anonymous says
Just wait and see. You’ll solve this one at a time. There are volunteer organizations that do rides to chemo, there are car services, you might take leave. One day at a time.
Anonymous says
Hugs. Agree with wait and see and take it one day at a time. My mom hasn’t had cancer but she has had a couple medical issues that required a lot of doctor’s appointments where she couldn’t drive herself, and I’ve been surprised by how much neighbors and other people who aren’t BFFs stepped up to take her to appointments and check in on her. You don’t really have to be a ride-or-die friend to help out someone with cancer, especially if that person lives alone, so I would expect her village to give her a lot of support. If that turns out not to be the case, you can go from there.
Anon says
First, take a deep breath. Second, don’t go down the rabbit hole of being an internet doctor – there are so many treatments and protocols that you really want to stick with an oncologist you trust (and then verify). Third, you’re going to have some time to figure this out. Even if they manage to schedule surgery right away, they usually wait a month or so to start chemo after that (because the chemo will slow down the surgery healing). We got pregnant around the same time my mother got diagnosed with stage IV ovarian cancer – she’s still doing chemo for a recurrence two years later. I live 2 hours away; my sisters are in other states, but fortunately, she does have a good circle of drive you to chemo, sit with you at chemo, spend the night with you after chemo type friends – hopefully a couple of your mom’s friends step up to the plate (and cancer tends to have a way of rallying folks I’ve noticed).
Couple of things to keep in mind – toddlers (even if they’re with a nanny instead of daycare) are still germy cesspools. We’ve had to limit visits to when mom’s counts are expected to be highest and we keep our toddler out of group settings for a week or two before the visit (no play groups, avoid other germy cesspools, no eating out, etc.) to cut down on the risk of catching anything. Keeping her spirits up will be critical (because it can be tough and lonely even if you do feel good because you’re avoiding germs). I call my mom and talk to her on my commute each way (so 2x a day), and that brightens up her day. We also do A LOT of video chat with my mom so she can see the toddler regularly (2-3x a week) and have a (germ-free!) relationship with her. My sisters, and my mom’s sister, have all taken either FMLA leave or have arranged remote working for a week or two (and they coordinate schedules) to be there with my mom on a regular basis when her treatments are expected to be rough – she rarely goes more than 2 weeks without a visitor, so don’t discount out-of-state help, particularly if they are retired or have flexible working arrangements.
If you can’t be there, see if your mom is willing to have you on speakerphone when she meets with her doctor, or have one of her friends go with her to the appointments to take notes. They drop a lot of information, and the patient isn’t the most reliable note-taker or information retainer. Depending on the type of surgery, the first week of recovery will likely be very rough. It’s probably worth seeing if you can take vacation (or FMLA leave) the week of her surgery, and ideally leave your toddler at home with dad if schedules permit. For me, I went down and was able to work remotely half-time for mom’s surgeries, but we didn’t yet have kiddo (we just had morning sickness and chemo nausea together – a hot mess). As for chemo, depending on whether it’s weekly or monthly, it’s probably going to be best to see if you can line up her friends (i.e., one takes her to chemo and sits with her, one checks in on her and brings her dinner if she’ll eat it the next day, etc.). You can also check to see if you can get meals or groceries delivered for her if her friends can’t pick that up, also probably worth looking into seeing if you can arrange for a housekeeper to come once a week, because your mom absolutely will not feel like cleaning. I also saw an ad on one of my feeds that uber and others are partnering to offer free rides to chemo for those that need it – might be worth looking into something like that as well.
Anon says
Thank you for such a thoughtful response; I’m sorry that you have so much firsthand experience with this! I hadn’t thought of the germs thing at all, so that’s good to know. It’s reassuring to know you’ve found ways to work around it, when possible, because my kid really lifts my mom’s spirits.
My mom has a lot of pride and doesn’t like to ask for much help, but I think that’s going to have to change during this process. I’m glad your mom has such a great circle of friends; I hope my mom’s step up to help in the same way!
anon says
Oh my gosh! I am the long poster below (11:55) and can’t believe I forgot that–make sure you are on speaker or she brings someone with her to appointments. Also she needs to WRITE DOWN her questions. I saw that advice a million times and disregarded it because I was sure I would be able to think of the questions I had at the time (I was a super smart 24-year old ::eye roll::). Thank goodness I had a good friend with me who is very similar to me. When the doctor finished talking he asked if I had questions. I stared at him dumbly. She asked all the same questions I’d had before I was rendered speechless by the appointment experience.
ElisaR says
first: internet hugs. I’m sorry to hear this.
second: there’s a lot of options out there for transportation. Relying on friends isn’t ideal for everyone. I had a friend in a similar situation and we figured out a good solution: paying an acquaintance (a trusted, kind woman in need of work) to drive to the appointments.
anon says
Speaking from experience (my mom and I have both had breast cancer), I agree with the first two posters. Take it day by day.
IMO the hardest emotional phases are the beginning when they are throwing massive amounts of information at you but you’re still reeling and right before and after surgery. Right after surgery is when I needed the most intimate type of help–bathing, drain emptying, help dressing, etc. so if you have limited leave time that’s when I would plan to take it. If you have to take the toddler with you when you are caring for mom, it will be harder, but not impossible. The care-taking after surgery is a little like having a newborn but without having been through the birth experience: hands on time almost around the clock but very quiet downtime between the care-taking intervals of meals, meds, and bathing/dressing/etc.
(Side note: I know opioids and pain killers are harder to get and more controversial to use now than they were in the past but PLEASE don’t get behind schedule on pain meds, especially in the first five days or so. Getting caught back up is really hard and makes everything worse and more miserable. Treat the pain! Don’t overdo it, of course, but do what is needed to keep her comfortable. For reference, I was still taking hydrocodone and advil on a regular schedule two-and-a-half weeks out. I wanted to go back to class (law school) but couldn’t drive so my mom drove me to school. Insane idea looking back but I was bored and anxious to keep up. Oh, and make sure to put her on a Miralax or stool-softener routine from day one.)
Keep track of who offers help (with phone numbers) and tell your mom to do the same. Most people really do want to help but don’t know what to offer/your mom doesn’t know what she needs in the very beginning. Having that list handy to use when you need to set up a series of rides to chemo, care-taker break time (if this is you make sure you take breaks!!), or a meal train will be very handy. I have been surprised anytime this comes up how willing people are to help when asked for something specific (I had spotty success with the meal train, though).
If you have the ability, you can also throw money at a good chunk of these problems, though I’m sure that’s not your first desire. You can have meds, groceries, and meals delivered, set up cleaning services, etc.
Finally, look to see if there is a Breast Cancer Resource Center in her area. I haven’t used one but have donated (in-kind items, not money) to them. They offer a wide variety of support services and would also probably be a really good way for your mom to build a local support group of people experiencing the same/similar thing.
Hugs.
anon says
Edited to add: I hadn’t thought about the germy toddler issue! We didn’t have any littles in the picture for either round so I was only thinking overall logistics. This community is awesome.
Anon says
Thank you for this! I really appreciate all of the detail and insight you shared. I’m sorry that you know what this is like so well, but you’ve given me a lot of food for thought. Thanks again!
anon says
Of course. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this while trying to care for your own family. Let us know if you have any questions or need help brainstorming solutions as specifics come up.
Anonymous says
My mom and MIL have both had breast cancer. However, because of the stage and type they were VERY different experiences so definitely wait and see what the plan is before freaking out too much. MIL had very well contained DCIS and did a lumpectomy outpatient followed by a few weeks of radiation. She didn’t need much support from us at all, other than emotional.
My mom had cancer twice, and the second time it was invasive. She ended up having two (separate) mastectomies. From chatting with friends, doing one at a time is definitely easiest, and doing it without reconstruction is much, much easier. Both times I stayed with my mom to help for a few days (changing her drain, cooking for her, reminding about meds); the first time her best friend flew in from out of town to stay with her. The second time I think she felt comfortable knowing what was coming so she was fine with just my dad after a couple days.
Hugs – you will get through this!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Sending you so much love. My MIL told us when she was visiting to help with DS (he was 2 or 3 weeks old at the time) about her diagnosis. We live out of state. She had a double mastectomy, no chemo/radiation and has fully recovered. My SIL, Aunt-in-Law, and Grandma were there for a few weeks, and DH went for a week, too. She definitely needed more help than that in the recover phases, but unfortunately we’re not driving distance – I think you are so that will help. She also has a great circle of friends who were good about dropping off a few things here or there, but I do think she needed someone THERE to help cook, care-take, and just give company.
There is also a non-profit that donates a certain type of reclining chair for women post-surgery (if she ends up going this route) – they cycle the chairs to different women recovering. It sounds like an amazing cause – maybe something you can help arrange.
anon says
She DEFINITELY will need someone to stay with her after the surgery. The type of surgery she has will dictate the length of that time period but it’s non-negotiable for at least 24 hours if not much longer. I lived with my parents for three weeks; would probably have been okay on my own after two if I wasn’t wanting to try to get across town to school on meds. I’d plan on having someone be there for three to ten days depending on the surgeon’s recommendation. (She’ll also need rides to follow-up appointments.)
primary caregiver says
I’ve been there, with a single parent with cancer (across the country) and young kids.
My dad was very independent and didn’t need me for a very long time (when I joined him for radiation a few times, he drove. I took him to a cool restaurant near the hospital he’d been wanting to try.)
I’m so glad I didn’t try to step in until I was needed so that I had plenty of reserves to get through the hard part. When I was needed, I spent so much time on the phone with my dad and medical folks. Even not flying out much (young kids needed me at home), it was exhausting. There were services available for all the hands on stuff, like medical transport. I could have hired out managing the services, but my dad took comfort in me managing all of that for him.
It’s emotionally brutal to have to choose, but when having to choose between my kids and my dad, I chose my kids. I still have pangs of sadness that I couldn’t physically be with my dad more, but I see my happy, well-adjusted kids and I don’t regret my choice.
A relative of mine prioritized care for a sick relative over herself and her children for a long time it went really badly for her and the children. They faced additional adversity that made the situation worse than it would be for many, but their experience served as a stark warning to me. Between my dad and the kids, my kids were more helpless and needed me more.
Anonymous says
I’m pregnant, no kids yet, but am also dealing with a mom who is in the middle of chemo for uterine cancer right now. It may be nice if you go to the doctor’s appointments with her because the information can be overwhelming. You will want to be there for post-surgical recovery. Get access to her patient portals and when you meet with the oncologist, understand the treatment plan. If she does chemo, sometimes the chemo may only be given one a month, or if you are unlucky my mom, almost every week. If it’s doable, it would be nice to go down and take her to treatments, or at least the first ones. It is scary at first but you get used to it.
This is chemo-specific, but my mom really enjoyed getting beauty product recommendations (check out the cancer society for makeup classes) and the book “Pretty Sick.” We stocked her up on products like sanitizing wipes and aquaphor. Breast cancer patients usually lose their hair from chemo, so if that happens you want to go to a non-depressing place to get a wig – not a place where they stock diapers next to the wigs! It’s also nice to make a bag with chemo supplies, like books, lotion, sanitizer, an extra long charging cord, blanket, etc. I think all of those little things helped my mom feel more secure and prepared.
Anon says
Good point. This is the second time mom’s lost her hair, and she definitely prefers to get it buzzed off once it starts going because that’s less emotionally traumatizing than clumps falling out over a few weeks. My mom’s town has a hair salon that specializes (as a side gig) in wigs and cancer haircuts – some of your community resources might be aware of something like that. They do it in a nice supportive environment, had fun putting it in a mohawk and dying it green before they buzzed it (need to be careful on the length – want to avoid nicks during chemo), and then fitted her for a wig (which she now never wears because she has such a nicely shaped head and her head gets really hot). Note that most insurance will provide a certain amount toward a wig.
Anon says
Thank you! Getting access to her patient portals is a great tip. I’d love to be there for all of her doctor’s appointments, but I’ll likely only be able to make it to a few (we’re in Southern California, so it can take me up to 3 hours to get to her area during peak traffic times).
I appreciate all of your advice and support. I’m sorry you know what this feels like!
anon says
Along these lines, fill out each office’s HIPAA forms so that you can help make/cancel/reschedule appointments. A universal one is supposed to work but rarely does. The HIPAA form might be part of getting access to the portal if you have your own username but not if you just use hers.
Rainbow Hair says
I have a question about branded/character clothes. I have heard women on this s*te say that they don’t put their kids in character clothes, and I remember before kiddo was born that I thought maybe I wouldn’t either. But now I legit can’t remember why. Is it just an “ugh, capitalism?” thing? (I can def. empathize with that, but on this front something-she-will-deign-to-wear > attempted-ethical-consumption, for me.)
anon says
I think it’s a class thing. It was for my mom anyway. She came from poverty and was not going to have her kids looking poor once she escaped it.
ElisaR says
yeah i think it’s more of a snob factor thing than anti-capitalist.
MommyG says
I hate character shirts bc my son becomes obsessed and wants to wear the same one on repeat over and over. If we don’t have any paw patrol shirts, it’s easier to manage that issue ;). I’ll also say that subconsciously, some of it is a class thing
Anonymous says
We’re moving soon and I’m looking for some new and special toys to help make the transition easier. Specifically think my kid would love a toy microphone and an Elmo. Any specific things your kids love? She’s 1.5
anon. says
Any stuffed animal works. My kids started getting into them around that age. You could also for more $ have a custom one done on Etsy that looks like the kid but whimsical. It’s probably too much for a kid that age, but it’s so so sweet. My favorite (got as a gift) is from the woman who runs Pink Cheek Studios but I’m sure there are others.
Anonymous says
We moved cross-country when my little one was about 20 months old and my advice would actually be to NOT get something new. When everything in their world is changing, keeping as much as possible routine is comforting. So figure out what your little one is most attached to already, and keep that safe and accessible throughout the move. Set up the new room as similar as the old room as quickly as possible (or if that can’t happen, set up a play area with their favorite stuff as soon as possible).
To answer your actual question, we have a hand-me-down microphone that my 2.5 year old adores and has adored for a year. IT’s on its original handed down batteries that just won’t die. I think it’s a v-tech brand…small, great for toddler hands, has lots of different sounds. It’s red with lots of buttons. Now that i think about it it might not be a microphone…it might be a flashlight. With a microphone? Anyway it’s beloved. She also loves an Elmo phone…it also talks and and sings and just won’t die. ;)
Anonymous says
We have a Fisher Price microphone kiddo really likes (3.5yo)
Moving Past the Swing says
I need some advice on helping a baby sleep in a crib. My baby is almost 6 months old. She easily falls asleep for naps in her swing, but now her daycare is not allowing babies to sleep in swings (it’s a licensing violation in our state, and they were called out on it). I feel like we need to move her past this phase anyways, especially if some consider it to be an unsafe sleep position (my pediatrician said sleeping in a swing was fine, though, which is why we have done this for so long).
She sleeps at night in her crib, but naps have been a different story. She can fall asleep in her swing even when it’s not moving, so I think it’s just the close, cuddly environment and association that helps her get into sleep mode. Sometimes we’ve used the swing to help her fall asleep at night if she’s having trouble sleeping and crying (and then later move her to the crib when she’s asleep), but I’d like to help her learn to fall asleep in her crib night and day more regularly.
Has anyone else had this issue? Any books to recommend on helping babies fall to sleep? I’m open to crying it out in theory, but know it would be really difficult for me to implement on an emotional level and wonder if there are other methods out there or what would be appropriate. I’m not sure what to expect of a 6 month old baby in terms of falling asleep. Thanks for any advice you can share!
Anonymous says
I had a baby who slept in the crib at night but refused to nap unless she was being held or was in motion (car or stroller). I finally just gave up on naps, went about my business, and let her doze whenever she wanted to. Day care would try to put her down in the crib, but she never stayed there for long. When she moved up to the toddler room at day care at 12 months, they got her to nap on a cot for two hours in the afternoon. This turned into a crib nap at home on weekends until she was about 2 and quit napping at home.
Anonymous says
This is a situation where rocking the baby before naps can help, I think. Not to the point that she falls asleep in your arms, but that you rock her until she’s drowsy and then she goes into the crib.
mascot says
When I was on leave, daytime sleep was in the swing and nighttime was in the crib. I figured that daycare naps were going to be an adjustment anyways, so I didn’t spend a lot of energy trying to get him into the crib for naps before he started daycare (around 14 weeks). So maybe let daycare take the lead here and then follow what they do at home? Pretty sure we kept using the swing on weekends until he was too big for it and by that point, he’d figured out crib naps.
Anonymous says
My first was similar and would only nap in the swing. We sleep trained (Ferber) and she became an excellent crib sleeper.
AwayEmily says
Given that she already knows how to fall asleep at night to some extent, I think sleep training her for naps would go pretty quickly and painlessly.
Here’s our method for nap CIO in case it’s helpful — we put the baby down at naptime, let them cry for 20 minutes. If they were still crying 20 minutes later, we’d take them out into the light, play with them for a few minutes, then try again for 20 minutes. If they STILL weren’t asleep then we’d do whatever it took to get them to sleep (stroller nap, etc). This way the CIO was time-limited and I could be sure that even if it didn’t work then the baby would eventually nap.
With both kids this got them napping on their own in about two days (they were both sleeping through the night already). I think we only had to deploy the stroller nap once — they figured it out quickly.
Re: sleep in general, I strongly recommend The Good Sleeper by Janet Kennedy. Gives lots of different options depending on your comfort with CIO.
Good luck!
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 on The Good Sleeper! Also had a baby who napped really well in the swing and it felt like it took FOREVER to get him to nap in the pack-and-play because everything about getting sleep right feels like it takes so, so long. Sending hugs and coffee wishes.
FWIW – he still napped in the swing at home after he started daycare at ~4 months, but those daycare naps (albeit much shorter than the ones at home) kind of happened on their own, and when we buckled down on sleep training at 5-6 months, we slowly moved him to nap away from the swing and in the pack-and-play.
DS is 15 months and still sleeps in a sleep sack (Zipadeezip) – I think this helps regulate body temperature where he’d definitely kick a blanket off!
Anonymous says
Yes, mine was similar. And similar to others on here, it was a combo of CIO, daycare figuring it out for me, and baby getting older and becoming a better sleeper.
We tried the Merlin suit, because it’s supposed to help them w/ that cozy feeling. Didn’t seem to do much for us, but works miracles for some.
Hugs! Sleep is hard!
Midlevel Esq. says
[regular anon poster; cross-posting from the main s!te]
I’m a biglaw midlevel with kids and a complicated family. I took a less-than-full-time position at this particular firm because it seemed like the right fit at the time. Unfortunately biglaw has had me for lunch, and we’re all ready for me to move on. (Working moms just can’t succeed sometimes.) I’m hoping to go in house, but I’m getting thoroughly burned out here. Any advice for getting my job search off the ground? Or for sticking it out another 3-6 months until I have a new opportunity? TIA.
Anonymous says
I am a biglaw midlevel expecting my first and am anxious about making a reduced schedule work after maternity leave. Could you say a little about what didn’t end up working for you? I’m trying to decide if I should just plan to start looking when I get back from leave. Hopefully, others will have more concrete advice for you!
Midlevel Esq. says
I think the real reason it didn’t work was that my family came before my biglaw career. Biglaw is a business that can easily move on without you, whereas your family can be torn apart and your life completely changed at any moment. I had some serious trauma in my family right after my first child was born, and that has caused me to prioritize my family and spend my spare time preparing for other changes, and processing the massive changes we had. It seems to me that successful biglaw attorneys enjoy working in their spare time (or, don’t hate it), enjoy spending extra time with coworkers, feel genuinely fulfilled by their work, and generally enjoyed law school. I am none of those things. I think that starting biglaw before having a child allows you the option of succeeding if you want to. Entering biglaw with children almost ensures failure, unless you are ready to put your children aside and treat your biglaw career like a newborn for the first 2 years (doing whatever it takes and thinking about it 100% of the time). I was not. (Don’t blast me.)
anon—former biglaw says
Midlevel Esq, thank your for your explanation. I also entered biglaw as a parent and your explanation really resonated with me.
My only advice is to start looking ASAP because it’ll be easier to get something worthwhile if you’re still in biglaw (or at least easier to get a good stepping stone).
I left biglaw, and practicing law, for something I’m glad I’m doing and hopefully will end up being amazing. However, I’d probably feel more confident in my future if I’d left for a good in-house gig.
Anonymous says
Thank you! That is really helpful information. I am in the same boat as you in that I prioritize family over work, don’t enjoy working in my spare time, and don’t feel fulfilled by the type of work I’m doing. I’m just trying to hold out as long as I can to pay down student loans, but I imagine even that may not be enough once the baby comes.
Been there done that says
I’m sorry you’re going through this, I’ve been there and am now in such a better place so I really hope the same for you. I was in BigLaw for 5 years, and then counseled out when my first child was about 18 months. I was around a 5th year. The firm was good about giving me essentially 6 months to look for a new job. They also hired a career coach to help me with next steps, and I found her insight pretty invaluable (if you’re in Boston, I saw Maryanne Peabody). I really recommend a reputed career coach if you can find one.
If your firm is similar in that they will allow you to job hunt while still keeping your bio on the website, I would stay put. As you know, it’s easier to find a job when you have a job. I ended up using a legal recruiter who connected me with one job that I later obtained. I also independently got 2 other job offers. I was lucky to have gotten 3 offers very quickly, within a span of 2 months. I basically told them that my firm at the time wasn’t the right fit and that I was looking to do a different type of litigation (which was true, but I didn’t tell them anything more).
I accepted one of those offers and am now in my dream job, 4 years later. I wish you all the best.
anon says
my nanny’s 9 year old daughter is coming to work with her this week due to spring break. it occurred to me after she came yesterday that maybe i should have had some little gift for her or something to make her feel welcome or is that unnecessary because i am the employer? when people bring their kids to work at my office my director obviously doesn’t give them little gifts, but i guess i was thinking back to how my mom always had a little gift (stickers, a book, etc) when we had out of town visitors or something with kids over for dinner to make them feel welcome [this was at a stage once my sister and i were adults and so these visiting kids were the only kids there]
anon says
Completely unnecessary.
Anon says
I think it’s unnecessary. You’re already giving the family a huge gift by letting the daughter come to work with her mother all week.
FVNC says
Sure it’s unnecessary, but it would be a nice gesture. If you happen to run to the grocery or drug store this week, what about picking up a small treat (fancy cookie or truffle) or a magazine she might be interested in? Or let her buy an on-demand movie to watch one afternoon?
FVNC says
And I’ll just add, when I occasionally went to my mom’s office, her (male) boss would bring me little treats — like something purchased from the cafeteria, or a special marker, aka a highlighter, for me to draw with. This was close to 30 years ago and I still remember his kindness.
AwayEmily says
+1 I think this would be a very kind thing to do. A magazine is a great idea.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 – if you’re there anyway, go ahead and grab something small. A little kindness goes a long way. I’m sure it’s not your nanny’s first choice to bring her daughter to work, and it’s very kind of you to accommodate.
GCA says
Not necessary, but a very kind gesture. Give her a book. (‘Who Was…?’) Keeps her occupied, encourages reading.
Anonymous says
Omg no. The gift is letting her come. Her mom can make her welcome. This kind of mission creep is what winds up with everyone complaining about emotional labor. This is not a thing move on.
Anonymous says
This. And I am someone who buys small gifts for out of town friends/kids who visit. But in that case, they are doing us a kindness by choosing to spend their precious time and money to visit us. Here, you’re the one doing her the favor. A gift is really truly unnecessary here and over the top, imo.
IHeartBacon says
I agree that it is completely unnecessary and that allowing your nanny to bring her daughter is a generous enough gift. BUT I also think it’s such a kind gesture for the child. I know that on the rare occasion when I have had to bring my LO to the office with me, it really means the world to me when my boss makes a point of making my LO feel special. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an opportunity to be kind and generous to a child and seizing that opportunity. It’s not about your employer-employee relationship with your nanny or the emotional labor tied to making the child feel special.
I disagree that “maybe [you] should have had” something for the child. You certainly don’t have to get/buy something for the child, but if you *want to*, then I say do it.
GCA says
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an opportunity to be kind and generous to a child and seizing that opportunity. It’s not about your employer-employee relationship with your nanny or the emotional labor tied to making the child feel special.”
This.
Ha! says
but i guess i was thinking back to how my mom always had a little gift (stickers, a book, etc) when we had out of town visitors or something with kids over for dinner to make them feel welcome [this was at a stage once my sister and i were adults and so these visiting kids were the only kids there]
Omg yes. My mom would always always give any kid who walked in our house a little something. And I rarely think to do this now, in part because we’re not much of a gift giving family and I hate all the stuff.
When my cousin and his kids were visiting us last weekend, my mom’s first question was — did you have a gift for the kids? :) (I did, luckily — I buy a stack of books from Amazon to hand out for this very reason).
KateMiddletown says
Sigh. Employment law friends HMU. My daughter (5 months today!) was diagnosed with leukemia a few months ago, while I was still on maternity leave. I used all my FMLA time while on maternity leave. Went back to work February 1. I recently transitioned from FT to PT (spending 3 days a week at work, 4 at hospital. Husband has plenty of PTO so he’s doing the other days @ hospital.) My company requires 25 hours/week to be benefits eligible, so that’s what I’m doing. (We can get insurance thru husband’s company but I don’t want to switch insurance companies right now since we were just approved for a treatment.) We’re getting ready to do a treatment where I’ll need to be at the hospital every day and I won’t have the bandwidth for work. (Can’t do remote work since I’m PT.) My company offers 30 day unpaid leave (pay premiums upon return), and my team is offering to give me another 10 days vacation. If I don’t return after 30 days, I don’t have my job back and have to pay all the premiums @ 100%. Totally fine. Truthfully there is a chance of complications where I might have to take additional time after the 30 d + 10 d are up. I don’t have my wits about me right now, so what do I need to do to protect myself (if anything?)
HSAL says
I’m no help but I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Anonymous internet hugs to you and your family.
Anonymous says
+1. And I think your company could be a little more understanding here. Even if they’re not legally obligated to give you a longer time off, they could choose to. Maternity leave + child with cancer is pretty objectively a situation where extended time off is understandable and not really a choice. Fooey on them.
PinkKeyboard says
If you are financially okay with losing your job you could also just be okay with losing it and pay COBRA to keep your insurance until her treatment is finished then transition to your husband’s coverage.
anon says
post on the main site too to see if anyone there has any advice, but all the hugs. i truly cannot imagine. i’m finding adjusting to this parenting gig to be hard enough that i cannot imagine going through what you are dealing with. will the 30 days of unpaid leave + 10 days vacation equate to a total of 40 days so 8 work weeks, or since you are only working 3 days/week would that potentially give you a bit more time?
i also don’t know what field you are in, but i do not see why doing remote work should have anything to do with PT or FT status, particularly in this scenario. i think it should have much more to do with the type of work you do
anyone on this board who is in a position of authority, i realize that business needs to continue even when people are dealing with complicated life stuff, but i really hope at your organization you would do whatever you could so that someone in this situation could come back to a job .
anon says
I am so sorry. Hugs.
Only throwing this out there because you mentioned it and the fact that you’re not thinking particularly clearly at the moment–understandably! You might consider getting your daughter secondary coverage through your husband’s work. It’s more trouble and more money in premiums but may drastically lower your out-of-pocket expenses. Be aware that it is sometimes not possible to choose which insurance is primary and which is secondary–I think it’s usually based on the birth month (odd or even). It might also ease the transition if you do end up not working (though I second the suggestion to use COBRA as long as possible/it makes financial sense).
Anonymous says
Nothing. You’re not entitled to any more job protected leave and sounds like you know that. It’s awful and perfectly legal.
Anon says
This is tough. I’m so sorry. I’ve got no legal advice, but a few thoughts:
-This is a situation in which any decent human being should want to cut you as much slack as possible and finesse any requirements. Can you use the donated vacation days as days back to extend your unpaid time off (ie, 30 days out unpaid, 2 vacation days, 30 days out unpaid)? Do you want to work remotely and are you able to (apart from the policy prohibiting it)? It seems like it’d be reasonable to let you work from the hospital during this time.
-Even if your manager/company is not made up of decent human beings, they should be concerned about their reputation. Firing someone because they have to be out for a couple extra months for their new baby’s cancer treatment is not a good look. If you’re at a law firm, I feel like this is the kind of thing they should be worried about being leaked to Above the Law (by literally anyone who hears of it—firing you instead of giving an extra couple of months would be supremely terrible, even by law firm standards).
-If you have bandwidth, quietly find out about the company giving anyone slack/a sabbatical ever. At the very least if they’re like “sorry, no more time” having that information might help the conversation to find a way to keep you on unpaid leave status.
-It might be worth a brief consult if you can find good counsel, especially if you live in a more progressive state (that tend to have more protections for employees).
HM says
I only say this because you mention you (understandably!) aren’t thinking clearly — but have you actually requested additional time off or the ability to work remotely, or are you making an assumption based on your knowledge of their policies? Have you spoken with your manager or with HR? If you haven’t, I’d suggest making a formal request in writing. I work in HR and this is a situation in which I’d bend the rules.