I haven’t been in the market for bottles since having my son almost three and a half years ago, and since then, these bottles have hit the market.
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I really like this idea and design, and they seem to get good reviews — they look like a good alternative to the ubiquitous Dr. Brown’s. A three-pack is on sale for $19.99 at Walmart. Nursh Reusable Silicone Pouch Baby Bottles
Psst: Looking for info about nursing clothes for working moms, or tips for pumping at the office? We’ve got them both…
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
I would like to get peoples opinions/information on this. I’m not trying to spark an intense debate, I guess I just need educated on this issue. I’m
a white lady in the DC suburbs (Maryland). I’ve been reading that one way white people perpetuate racism is by where they lives/what schools their kids go to/what vacations they take. Like obviously I know that. We currently live in a VERY diverse neighborhood. DDs will be elementary school is only 5% white. Even though our county has a great school district compared to the rest of the country there’s obviously a difference in the schools based on where you live in the county. Historically and currently the more white areas have better schools (obviously this is an issue across the US). Our current school path is ok but not great and we’d like to move up the property ladder in 7-8 years, presumably to a more valuable property and “better” school district. But what is my obligation as a white person to not support this de facto segregation? Do I send MY kids to worse schools and give them less academic opportunities in the fight against racism? I would say the value of being exposed to a diverse student population and group of friends trumps the small academic gains made at another middle/high school. But being realistic I know that what school you go to matters. And the people my kids may meet and eventually use as connections matter. I know this all sounds awful of me but I’m genuinely confused in what’s the right answer. FWIW I am supporting boundary analysis in our school districts, vote for minority candidates, do my due diligence of elected officials etc…
I’d put my kids in the ‘better’ school but remain active in the cause of better education for all. Act like you would if your kid went to a worse school – who would you call or lobby or vote for?
One of the most astounding things I’ve learned as an adult on this board is that schools are often majority funded via poll/local tax and the poll tax brings in more money in wealthier areas so those schools have more funding. This is absolutely insane! I don’t know how I didn’t know about this issue until I was an adult. It’s SO inherently unfair. Your parents are wealthy so your school gets more $$? That’s crazy. Other western democratic countries do not do this. They provided equal funding for each student so that schools are funded equally and differences between schools in terms of quality is much less. Schools must be funded equally.
I’m stunned it took you until now to learn this.
Easy. And don’t be. There are lots of people who just don’t have to pay attention to this until a certain point. Use Anonymous at 9:33am’s post not to judge but to realize there are many people who just don’t understand that it works this way and then be motivated to educate. There is a LOT I am still learning at 35 years old about all of this. I give so much credit to people who are coming out from behind their own ignorance and are willing to admit what they did not know, then get angry, and then make change.
I’ve been reading her for a while so it was more like ten years ago but definitely post-college. But I think that demonstrates the nature of the problem. There are so many fundamental inequalities systematically designed to oppress poor people that are just acceptable as normal.
Yeah, this is unbelievable. I knew that public education was funded by local property taxes when I was in elementary school. I can’t believe you could graduate high school in this country without learning this in school or just picking it up from conversation. But I went to terrible public schools in a large urban district, so perhaps we were just more aware of these things than rich kids from suburban districts.
Nah we rich kids knew this too!
I don’t specifically recall hearing it but I apparently didn’t notice/remember because it wouldn’t have registered as important to me to understand the roots of the ongoing inequality in education in this country.
And this entire discussion is about the inequality of education. People are graduating high school without knowing how to read or reading at a third grade level. You think everyone learns/remembers info about how schools are funded?
If you go to lousy schools you certainly do, because you hear people complaining about it all the time.
I believe it. There are a number of reasons why people wouldn’t know this information. For example, if you are in a low socio economic class and rent and don’t have parents who are saavy enough to talk to you about the property tax system.
what??? this is offensive, anon at 11:40. low socio economic class and renting do not equate to being too unsasvy to understand the property tax system. That is some privileged nonsense.
Anon from 11:40 here. I’m not sure I understand why the comment is offensive. My comment is coming from my experience, growing up in a low socio economic neighborhood, with parents who rented and are not educated. Property taxes were never the subject of the conversation. Neither was how schools are funded.
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to knock your experience. I am really sensitive to equating low socio economic opportunity with a lack of ability/ saaviness. It may have been the case that your parents weren’t saavy enough to understand property taxes, but for a good number of people there are larger systemic issues at play that have nothing to do with an individual person’s ability, intelligence, saaviness, or otherwise. I resent the implication that people with higher levels of education and income are somehow saavier.
Op here – it did not “take me this long to realize this”. I’m more saying that I wasn’t always a homeowner paying property taxes with a kid approaching grade school. I’m asking what do you do when you have the means to buy a more expensive house but have to balance that with your child’s quality of education. Please note the part where I said we bought a house in a neighborhood/school that is 5% white. I’m honestly asking for educational purposes I’m not trying to be a jerk or a bigot. In fact I’m trying NOT to be those things.
? No one said that about you. They said that about me – the Anon at 9:33
No one is responding to you! We are replying to the commenter below you who just learned of property taxes and local funding.
I’ve always thought this but will I have the incentive to do so / the on-the-ground knowledge if my kid isn’t in an underfunded school? Am I just swooping in line a middle class saviour with the necessary knowledge of local conditions and concerns?
Coach Laura says
In my state (Washington) the state equalizes the funding somewhat, so there is a state-wide funding levy. It also caps the amount that wealthy districts can put toward schools, which is limited by some formula to reduce disparities. (This is off the top of my head so apologies if it’s not 100% correct. Don’t have time to research it now. ) It doesn’t fully equalize the system nor eliminate issues but it is a start.
No advice about moving but I was amazed at how an involved parent group/PTA made one school better while the one down the street (same district, almost equal demographics) which didn’t have involved parents was seen as weaker, which led to good teachers not wanting to work there, leading to more problems. If you do stay, getting involved in the PTA and the dreaded fundraising (which I hated) to fund enrichment activities like theater, art classes, foreign language classes and field trips really makes a difference.
This is discussed pretty often and I think the answer is clear- the most anti-racist choice is to choose to live in diverse neighborhoods and send your kids to diverse schools. Many of us are not going to make that choice, so voting and advocating in favor of school district consolidation, higher taxes, better prosecutors, less police etc are all still good things to do. But let’s not pretend that you choosing to move to a white town isn’t part of the problem. I did it too! But is today really the day to post seeking absolution for this hypothetical choice? Is what we need to be doing today making white liberals feel comfortable with their choice to benefit from living in a culture steeped in white supremacy? I don’t think so.
It was a fair and honest question. These conversations are important and not having them is not going to fix the problem.
Should we all have been thinking and talking about these sooner? Yes. But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about them now.
We chose to move to the school that was 60/40 majority to minority, instead of the school next door that was 98/2. I think it will give our kid the chance for a good education while also having a more diverse experience. Fair or not, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending my kid to a low performing school where my child was in a small minority just to make a point. Choosing a balance school is far from a perfect option, but it was a considered choice and I like that the school mostly reflects the makeup of the US population.
In elections, I support candidates and policies for school boundaries that mix instead of segregate.
For the record, the school that is 98/2 is considered the “best” school, but I am not convinced that it gives a “better” education.
OP here. Thanks – this is what I was asking. Like where do you draw the line of putting your kids in a diverse school but not inhibiting their education/opportunities so much that it’s detrimental.
Also – MoCo Maryland is majority non-white anyways, so the 98/2 would never happen. I believe the most we would get is 50/50.
Not true. Bethesda, Potomac, parts of Kensington, etc have some schools much closer to 98/2 than 50/50. Maybe not in high school, but definitely in elementary school. MoCo is very diverse overall, but it’s a huge county and the neighborhoods themselves are not necessarily diverse.
I think you have to look beyond the numbers a bit. We looked at one school that was 30% minority, but all of that population pulled from a homeless shelter and public housing. Lots of unstable families and mental health issues. It was impossible for the school to make any progress with those students because they popped into and out of schools as they moved between different living situations. Another school was 60% minority but pulled from a more stable low income community with very engaged parents. I’d be more comfortable with the latter than the former.
My kids are in a very diverse school where the school rankings on those real estate sites are something like a 3 out of 10. However when you dig into the ranking, there is a large population of English as a Second Language speakers in the school. The school tests that inform those rankings are in English. What mattered most to me was the attitude of the teachers and administration and that the test scores improve as they progress through the grades. I wanted to see curriculum that acknowledges racial injustice, that doesn’t center white people, that has programs to encourage multi-cultural understanding.
We chose to live here, rather than the white/Asian suburb next door, because of the diversity. We make six figures, so my kids can NOT grow up thinking we are poor. We have diverse family, but we live far away and I didn’t want that to be my kids’ only exposure. I want them to have a variety of friends with a variety of backgrounds. My kids are struggling to learn Spanish so they can speak with their friends, and it gives them empathy for their friends learning English.
All of this was WAY more important to us than test scores or AP offerings. There’s more to education than what you learn in a book.
OP – this is my situation too. Most kids in the elementary school are ESOL students so I’m not too worried about the quality of education. We’re also factoring in property value/buying a bigger house/lot etc…I really appreciate everyone’s responses as I think through this!
Not trolling, but I lived in the D.C.-Area for 7 years and the implicit racism/unawareness about POCs/Black Communities there was something I had never experienced in the other places I lived (a few of the largest U.S. cities). Ironic considering the history/demographics of the area, and the education levels. Lots of NIMBY behavior – folks that loved being “coastal elites” but really didn’t have diverse circle, experience, or desire that. Glad to see there’s some desire to change.
I kind of agree with this, and I’m part of the problem. I work with non-white people, but I don’t have any non-white close friends, and I guess I have white lady hobbies because I don’t often encounter POC in social situations. I’m not sure how to fix it. My residential neighborhood is ~80% white. Last year, a black neighbor knocked on my door after dark to tell me my car door had been left open, and the first thing he did when I came to the door was back WAY up, and hurridly say his name and that he lives down the street. I know this guy, I knew his name, I chat with him at block parties, we greet each other when passing by. I understand why he did that, and hope it was not related to me specifically giving off any racist vibes, but… it sucks that his family has lived in that house for 20+ years and he’s worried about spooking his neighbors.
CPA Lady says
Through a series of life events, I have come to the conclusion that for the vast majority of (white) people, it doesn’t matter where you go to high school or college, literally at all.
I have gone to community college in the podunk south, state school, and a fancy, highly ranked, elitist, private liberal arts college. The vast majority of people I know from school and from my professional career are all in a similar spot 10-15 years into our careers. It doesn’t matter who went to private school, who went to state college, etc. It probably matters for, say, the CEO of an investment bank or someone hoping to be a supreme court justice. And it probably matters if you went to HYP. (And even then, my one friend who went to Harvard is now a stay at home mom.) But for 90-95% of white working adults, it doesn’t matter.
What I think matters most is the emphasis on learning, the availability of outside support, the soft skills, the family connections, and the generally ingrained understanding of the business world and white collar norms and behavior that well off white families provide their children. Each child will have his or her own goals, level of motivation, and work ethic, but what makes rich white children more successful than their poorer POC peers is not where they went to high school. Obviously the quality of education is very uneven in our country, and we need to fix that, but going to an average to mediocre school is not going to harm a rich white kid in the way that it would harm a kid that has little or no safety net.
I will also note that a lot of highly achieving people I knew in high school, the ones who had to take all the AP classes and take advantage of all the educational extras were extremely burned out by that experience, myself included. Add to that the disillusionment I felt in my 20s where I realized that the people I knew from “state school” were doing just as well as my private school peers, with way less crushing debt… it was a lot to take in and has really shaped my perspective on this issue.
I’ve thought a lot about this as we eye up our neighbourhood school. I’ve always thought we’d move before school age but that’s looking trickier given the economic situation and the mess that academia is in. We’re in Scotland, so less an issue of race (children of colour often go to the Catholic state school rather than the secular state school) and more one of class, funding, and educational attainment. We don’t have the resources to move to a significantly better school catchment but could move to an average area. But honestly, I don’t know if we will. A white boy with educated, professional parents is probably going to be just fine, no matter where he goes to school and we can probably use our privilege more effectively to make change within our neighbourhood.
I disagree with your last sentence. A kid who is warehoused for seven hours a day with an inadequate curriculum and a teacher overwhelmed by students’ behavior problems will be turned off to education, possibly with disastrous consequences. If the kid is gifted, it will be even worse because he will be even more bored and frustrated. Ask me how I know.
If the quality of the school doesn’t matter and the parents are doing all the teaching, why do we even have schools?
(1) Because not everyone has well-educated parents; and (2) because parents have jobs and don’t want to teach their kids all day, as seen in this pandemic. But that doesn’t mean they’re not providing extracurriculars and houses filled with books and the like.
I actually think the studies back Cb up on this. Which is not to say I don’t have anxiety about where my kid goes to school – of course I do and I think it’s impossible not to. But I also think it does probably matter less than we assume.
It’s somewhat glib to say that “a white boy with educated, professional parents is probably going to be just fine, no matter where he goes to school”. I think it depends a lot on your child. We chose to move out of the city to the suburbs because our son is autistic and we became convinced, after many, many conversations with local parents, clinicians, and advocates, that we would never get the support he needs from the city schools. He still is not getting all the support he needs from the suburban school, but after a year of fighting with them there are glimmers of hope that he may get appropriate services. If we had stayed in the city, I very much doubt he would have gotten through kindergarten without suspension or worse.
Honestly, I’d question whether it does matter what elementary and secondary school you go to as the child of well-educated, well-off white parents. My understanding is that the studies generally show that those kids do fine regardless of what school they go to because their parents can and do provide an enriching environment at home. But having kids with well-off families in a school benefits all the lower-income kids too, thus making school diversity that much more important.
In the D.C. area in particular, I personally wouldn’t want my kid to go to one of those pressure cooker rich kid schools anyway. But that is just me. (I lived in the DC area for ten yeas and always knew I wasn’t interested in raising a family there in part for that reason.) )
OP here – yeh just as a side note we will never be able to afford the best of the best public pressure cooker schools here. But I actually LOVE raising a family here, much more than I thought I would. There’s just so many fun things to do with kids (and I’m not talking about smithsonians) and it’s super quick and easy to get outside and really into nature. It’s definitely different actually raising kids here (which I thought we would want to move back to our rural home state) than what I thought it would be when I was childless.
Fair enough. I moved back to Portland, Oregon so it’s not like we’re free of city issues or anything. :-)
Hi, are you me?
Anon at 5:48pm, we probably do know each other IRL.
OMG. There are studies. SO MANY STUDIES. Your child will not statistically be negatively impacted by poor kids. And if 2/3 of a school is middle class and 1/3 is poor, the poor kids will do better academically (which isn’t really enough for black/brown kids in the US, but it’s a start.)
You’re literally part of the problem.
I am trying NOT to be part of the problem which is why I posted this. Thanks!
A rich child won’t be negatively impacted by the presence of poor kids, but all the kids, rich and poor, will be impacted by the inferior quality of instruction, poorly maintained and dangerous facilities (lead paint, mold), etc.
Anon Lawyer says
Oh come on. OP said they were in a decent suburban district, not one with dangerous facilities.
I’m not sure what you are asking here. We live in a racist society. It permeates all levels of all the things. As a white person, you can’t escape your role in the oppression. Of course your white privilege impacts the education decisions you make for your kids. You have to draw these lines for yourself, matching your family’s values. Are you genuinely confused as to how much anti-racism is expected of you? There are lots of resources out there for you to start doing that work. There aren’t any points to give here. Yes, it is a problem that white children go to better schools. Yes, rich white families living together in the same neighborhoods contributes to de facto segregation. Yes, your child’s future can be impacted by the school they go to, the people they know growing up, etc. There are no easy solutions here. Neither staying in your current district nor moving to the better schools absolves you of your ongoing responsibility to be anti-racism and be better, do your part where you can.
I wouldn’t move to a 98% white school district, but neither would I stay in a district with a likely poor overall outcome for my child to make a point about racial justice. I absolutely agree with what others have said that you have to look beyond the test scores and think about what a “good” school means to you. Our elementary school is around 1/3 each white, black and Hispanic, and a lower ranking because test scores are impacted by a big ESL population. I’m very happy with how the school is serving my kid, and working to create a welcoming community that celebrates diversity and serves all students.
I think the networking piece you mention becomes much more of an issue in higher ed, and many excellent colleges and universities make a point to bring in students from a variety of backgrounds. Depending on the child, I’d question whether a “below average” public school in K-12 is really a long term detriment.
I work in higher ed and can tell you that most elite schools diversify their student bodies through international students and rich students of color. If that’s what you want, elite schools will serve your networking needs. But it isn’t going to be a diverse experience and is just going to result in you furthering the problem. People need to start valuing things other than being rich. Many successful people go to state school (I did! But I am not a doctor or lawyer and it’s fine) and all the decision you make to get your kids into an elite school further disparities (tutoring, extra SAT testing, picking the right schools).
I think unless you are sending your kid to an “elite” private school, the “connections” piece of it is not a thing – if you are looking for connections through your kids’ school (which in my city is definitely a thing), then you go private or move to a neighborhood/suburb where those connections would be your neighbors anyway. High school matters more and if that’s important to you, then factor that in – but where you go for elementary doesn’t mean you can’t get into a “connections” high school. In my city, high school connections for the students themselves would mean getting into certain elite high schools that can often start with preK enrollment at that school, but a student could apply for high school only or test into prestigious public schools.
Here’s the calculus we made: we are white and live in a diverse but segregated city, in a majority white neighborhood. Neighborhood public school is getting “whiter” as white folks are staying in the city rather than moving to the suburbs, but as many white neighbors send kids to private schools, still majority minority. We are sending our kindergartner to a language immersion program in an even more majority-minority school. We think this is the right thing to do, and feel that he will get any differentiation he needs (he is, by virtue of his private preschool, doing above-grade level work) based on our conversations with the teachers there. He will test as appropriate for the selective public high schools, and if he gets in, he will go there. If he doesn’t get in, we will look at our public and private options. Of course, if in elementary school it seems he is falling behind or is way ahead and the school we’ve chosen isn’t working, we will revisit. And of course, by high school, he will have opinions about where he wants to go!
The #1 thing I can recommend is tour the schools (once this whole pandemic allows, of course) and talk to teachers and administrators. We luckily toured the school our kid will go to last fall and just fell in love with it. Reading real estate school graders or even the district’s site can only get you so far.
what would you do? we live far from our families (at minimum a 21+ hour drive each way) and have two toddlers so us flying to them seems like a bad idea as does driving for anyone since it is so far, which leaves flying. my mom passed away at the end of 2019 and my dad is 70, but otherwise healthy, but is a doctor and sees patients 3x per week, though now everyone is wearing a mask and he takes social distancing very seriously. In-laws live in a hot spot, NJ, outside of NYC. FIL is also a doctor and is now seeing patients 5 days a week. Neither are seeing covid patients. My in-laws have been kind of cavalier about covid and social distancing. MIL goes to the supermarket multiple times a week, had friends over for dinner well before it was permitted in their state, she had her hair dresser come to the house, own a second home and have gone back and forth, and my twenty something BIL who has temporarily moved home has been seeing his girlfriend who lives in long island. my thought is to ask everyone to quarantine for a week before coming, since most cases show up in 2-5 days, to obviously wear a mask on the plane and then to wear a mask indoors while visiting us and adults will stay 6+ feet apart. we live in an apartment building and they would probably stay in another apartment in the building. the problem is my MIL keeps talking about how she wants to come visit us and eat in a restaurant, get a manicure, etc. even though those things are allowed where we live, we aren’t doing any of them. i generally trust my in-laws to watch my kids and they are very good grandparents, but are also definitely the type who think that what the parents don’t know won’t hurt them, so i honestly don’t know if i trust them to quarantine before coming and to not galavant around town while visiting, but i also don’t see how i can let my dad come and not let them come?
If you’re expecting them to come and do nothing even though things are open and wear masks when they’re inside your home and stay 6 feet away from you and your husband, you aren’t ready for visitors yet and shouldn’t have them come. Those expectations aren’t realistic and obviously aren’t going to work for them, so if those restrictions feel necessary for you then you can’t have visitors yet.
No, MIL is being unreasonable to want to eat in a restaurant and get a manicure. Those things should not be permitted anywhere.
But yes, OP, you should not allow them to come because they are not going to abide by basic safety precautions.
Ok. But many reasonable people disagree with you including MIL. So getting huffy about what she should be doing isn’t a solution.
“Neither are seeing covid patients” – this is not a thing unless each patient gets a test and waits for the results before coming to the appointment. Many people are not symptomatic and don’t know they have covid. There was just a case in New Brunswick in Canada where a doctor didn’t know he had it and gave it to like 12 people before he had symptoms and stopped working.
I would wait to see them. Until either their own behavior improves or they are no longer a hotspot area. I would have them come if they will self isolate for a week on arrival in a separate apartment – not coming into contact with anyone. Then you could have contact with them and be relatively comfortable that it’s unlikely they have covid.
My husband works in healthcare and has been seeing patients in person this entire time – often 16 different patients a day. They wear masks and wash hands and take precautions. He hasn’t been infected and no one he works with has. I think some women’s perception of risk on this board skews toward hysteria.
yes i realize they have increased risk due to their jobs, even though they are not treating covid patients directly and there is no guarantee that their patients or colleagues don’t have covid. both are in fields though that pre covid, neither the docs or the patients wore masks, but now everyone does
The doctor I referenced above has been suspended from work so it’s not my hysteria. It’s the fact that many in the US are very blase about the risk which is why the US has such high rates.
The media covers the most egregious cases, but not the thousands of healthcare workers who are and have been perfectly fine for months now treating patients and having zero cases of COVID. It skews people’s thinking that the risk is much worse than it actually is.
Wait if you are concerned. But honestly I think this type of behavior (going to the grocery store multiple times a week etc) is going to be very common because people want to live their lives again.
Yeah and because quarantining for years isn’t feasible.
I am by no means asking MIL not to do this if she wants to, but not right before coming to see us. My point was more that even in the end of March/early April when things were really bad in NJ and numbers kept climbing, and it was the beginning of this whole mess, she still kept going to many different supermarkets, multiple times a week
Ok. But it isn’t the end of March or early April and what she did then isnt an issue. And requiring masks in your home? Nope. If you’re letting someone visit, you’re letting them in your bubble. If you don’t want to, then don’t have them visit.
I agree with OP that past problematic behavior is a factor to consider. Someone who disregards and violates public health advice is not someone I want around my kids because I wouldn’t be able to trust them and that they wouldn’t just make up rules to suit themselves like ignoring that a playground is closed. Sets a bad example for the kids as well.
+1 on the what’s in the past is in the past.
And also no on the requiring them to wear masks in your home for the duration visit. They will be in your bubble now. That request might take care of the problem right there, as they may refuse to come under those conditions and frankly I wouldn’t blame them. Not saying that’s wrong of you – I think it just means you aren’t comfortable enough for this visit.
Past actions are an excellent predictor of future behavior.
I am probably in the minority but as long as you and your partner are completely aligned, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to let your dad come but not your in-laws. It’s up to you whether you want to be really honest with them that you’re not comfortable with their lack of social distancing or if you just want to say “oh we’re not having visitors yet.”
yea that is part of the problem. i’m more conservative and taking covid more seriously, while DH would probably be doing things i am not comfortable with, if it wasn’t for me. he also has trouble being very matter of fact and frank with his parents, whereas i have no trouble sharing my opinion and being firm with my parents, well now my father. it would also be impossible to hide from either set of parents as we facetime with both sets frequently. i generally like when my in-laws visit, as they are very helpful with the kids, but i also don’t want to feel anxious the whole time they visit and the weeks following.
Just for perspective, while of course it would be better if the ILs were quarantining more, none of the things you listed as being cavalier struck me as being that big of a deal. I know a lot of people doing a lot of these things. And I’m in CA. Like, I think it is perfectly reasonable that an adult man was seeing his girlfriend throughout this, even if he was staying with his parents. And maybe at first everyone I knew was limiting their grocery shopping as much as possible, but I definitely think that frequency has generally broadened. Maybe the having people over for dinner thing awhile ago is annoying, but I know a lot of people doing that now so does it really matter that they did it before they were supposed to at this point?
If anything I think a concern about the dads being doctors & visiting massively trumps all of this from an exposure standpoint!
But if you aren’t comfortable with it you aren’t comfortable with it. Have you talked to her about it? It doesn’t sound like you have. Can you just have a conversation that you are a little uncomfortable with the restaurant/manicure idea and see what happens? Or come up with compromises? Maybe take out from a restaurant and have a picnic in a park? Suggest she has the manicure on her last day there after she said goodbye to you? etc?
Clearly I’m in the minority, but whether I personally agree with the particulars of your stance or not, I think you have a right to ask them to do whatever you want. You have a right to tell them people can only wear purple shirts around your kids, if you want. They have a right to decide to either do that and see their grandkids, or get to wear whatever shirts they want and not.
Do you live in a big city? Confused about why she wants to go out and do so many things when she visits if she lives so close to NYC?
Outdoor activities seem like a good compromise. As someone else suggested, pick up takeout and have a picnic? (let her choose the place and pick it up, since she doesn’t mind restaurants!) Is there a botanical garden or other outdoor attraction near you that is doing a good job of requiring advanced tickets and timed admissions, but wouldn’t have too much for your kids to touch? Or, if you’re concerned, just have your husband and kids go with them to that attraction if you’re not comfortable? I’m more risk-averse with this virus than others on the board and am immunocompromised, but I have acknowledged that we’ve reached the point where most people are getting back to their normal lives and I have to decide who is worth the risk of seeing and who isn’t.
Toddler shoes says
Looking for first shoe recommendations for a just-walking toddler (14 months ish). We keep him barefoot as much as possible at home but think he needs something on his feet to walk around the grass at the park, etc. Generally I want to buy shoes in person, but online might be useful right now (if you strongly feel in person is the right answer, though, I’m open to hearing that). In San Francisco, if you have a local(ish) in person recommendation.
Easily available online and fairly TTS: Stride Rite Soft Motion line of shoes. Very flexible but rubber soles. Available in wide and double wide.
We lived in these until she got stable, and now we do just regular toddler staples – Keen, Natives, etc.
Yes and stride rite is having a flash sale with shoes for $20 today. I just ordered three pairs, one on each of my toddler’s next three half sizes. I limit myself to the ones that are machine washable.
My son is 18 months and we love see Kai run. Pretty much all he wears outdoors. We ordered online and had no issues.
Beth @ Parent Lightly says
We also really liked See Kai Run for that phase. They don’t last as long as some other brands but they’re flexible and easy to put on.
I am a huge fan of stride rite and you can buy them on zappos for free shipping and returns for sizing. I am CHEAP with kids clothes but stride rite are so good for walking and running and hold up so well that I think they are worth it IMHO.
We used Softstar Shoes until she was older and ready for real sneakers. Softstar are leather moccasins made in Oregon, so local-ish. We bought them online.
Robeez are nice and soft. Once you’re past the Frankenstein walking phase, try Stride Rite or PediPed.
Lana Del Raygun says
My toddler’s shoes are from the StrideRite SRTech/Sensory Response Technology line, which are somewhat stiffer than the SoftMotion line. I think StrideRite markets SM for first walkers and SRT once they’re a bit more advanced, but I got the SRT on the advice of two friends whose babies walked late and found the stiffer sole very helpful (the recommendation was originally from one baby’s PT, for what that’s worth). My kid also walked late but I do think upgrading her to a stiffer sole helped her finally get it (from See Kai Run Smaller, which is even softer than StrideRite SoftMotion).
Lana Del Raygun says
Oh also we got them on eBay, but we had borrowed a pair from a neighbor to try on for size.
Drawstring Linen Shorts says
Many thanks to whomever recommended drawstring linen shorts instead of my usual Lands’ End Chino shorts! I am loving the pair I got from A*azon Essentials today, especially because it’s going to be in the upper 80s here for the first time this year.
If you have a favorite pair, please let me know what it is! I’m WFH for the rest of the summer and with all of the after-work playing outside I’m planning to do, I’m determined to overhaul my short selection.
Caslon from Nordstrom. They run huge, so size down.
The best linen shorts are Athleta, but their color selection was terrible this year. I have three pairs from the past years and wear them exclusively in rotation! They have a little modesty tab on the sides of the thigh and are super comfy. I buy a size up for slouchiness.
Uniqlo has some great shorts.
Does anyone use a nanny payroll service that is not HomePay? I’ve come across a few like Poppins Payroll but they don’t operate in my state (PA).
I use the Nanny Tax Company (website is nannytaxprep). I’m in IL but on their website they reference multiples states so maybe check them out.
I am in PA. I just started using SurePayroll. So far, my experience with them has been positive.
Zoom School? says
Our preschooler is home for the summer and was the rare kid that actually loved zoom pre-k. We’re looking for a 30 minute class in the AM at 9 or 9:30 EST. We’re trying outschool, and its fine, but I wonder if there are other better options. Spanish immersion would be great, because that is what she was doing, but anything that is engaging, upbeat, and manageable would be great.
Check with your local park district or library. Not sure where you’re located but my Chicago suburb has a million virtual offerings for kids this summer.
Pregnant Dental Work says
I’m 21 weeks pregnant and noticed a chip in one of my front teeth this morning (the chip hasn’t fallen out yet but it is cracked all the way around and it’s just a matter of time). No idea how this happened as I don’t really bite into hard/crunchy things with my front teeth (applies, crunchy bread, etc) due to dental work on adjoining teeth.
I have an appointment with a new dentist for a consult on Thursday (new b/c we moved in the past 6 months and I hadn’t found a new one yet). I’m nervous b/c of the pregnancy and b/c of Covid. Any words of wisdom? Guessing I’ll need a filling at least, and possibly a cap/crown.
Hard to know without knowing how big the chip is. I’ve had small chips in my front teeth before and they’ve been able to basically build it back up with composite material.
I know this isn’t what you probably want to hear, but if they go straight to suggesting a crown I would personally get a second opinion, or at the very least ask to talk to other patients that this dentist has done front teeth crowns for to make sure they have been happy with how they aesthetically turned out. I have a bunch of crowns on my back teeth but I would want an amount of comfort level regarding my doctors skills before doing a front one. To be clear, you might need a crown and I’m not suggesting if they suggest one they are scamming you – I just feel like front teeth are high enough stakes where a second opinion is warranted if seeing a new to you dentist. I might need a crown on my front eventually if the cracks keep coming back and I have confidence my dentist can do it well, but I’ve been going to him for 20 years and I like that he has not pushed it and let me do the composite first.
My two cents.
I am about 32w and was hoping to go to the dentist for my every 6 month cleaning this week, but my dentist is still trying to figure everything out and is not open yet. I wanted to get it done right after quarantine had lifted, assuming the risk would be slightly less than a few months from now. I’m stuck waiting till post-baby though..
I think most medical professionals, including dentists, have been extremely cautious. Dentists especially because they have to be in your mouth and there are lots of aerosols generated. I could be mistaken in my understanding of spread risk in this situation, but because they change and wear gloves/masks, sanitize implements, etc as standard practice, the risk is primarily that you will spread it to them not the other way around.
If you are nervous (understandably so), I would call and ask what policies they are taking to reduce risk. Are they allowing people to sit around a waiting room? Are they wiping down the chairs between appointments? How many people are they seeing a day? Are they wearing facial shields in addition to masks? Maybe they are adjusting their methods to reduce aerosols.
I would feel ok going to the dentist now assuming you aren’t in a major hotspot, but again that’s based on my limited understanding of how this spreads. I’m no expert, but I’m sure your states dental association is encouraging all precautions.
No advice on dental visit, but I am 24 weeks pregnant and my two front teeth chipped both in this pregnancy and my last one. My dentist told me chipped teeth are common in pregnancy because the baby leeches all the calcium from you. So now I take a calcium supplement in the hopes of avoiding more chips. I am also due for a dental visit and I assume they will bond the chipped teeth (though that hasn’t held up well for me so maybe I need veneers, idk).
I went to get a cleaning when I was 7 months pregnant (1.5 years ago) and they wanted no part of me. Fastest cleaning of my life. In, out, done, bye, and please don’t give birth here or let us be liable for something that happens to you here.
I think if it’s emergency they’ll handle it but don’t be shocked if they tell you to wait.
Masks for Kids at Preschool/Camp? says
I know some other posters have made the decision to send their children to daycare/preschool/camps when they open. I’m curious if any of those programs are requiring masks on the kids, and if so, what are your feelings about that requirement? We just got an email from our sons’ preschool/aftercare/camp program that says all students over the age of 3 will be “encouraged” to wear masks once it reopens on June 30. This program has limited outdoor space, so most of the programming will be inside the building. For some reason I can’t pinpoint, the idea of asking either my 3 year old or 6 year old to wear a mask most of the day really bothers me, and I feel like it would undo many of the socialization benefits that are the main reason we are considering sending them once it reopens. Thoughts?
My daycare only requires adults to wear masks, and I’m grateful for that.
Our kids went back to daycare yesterday (YAY). The school is requiring masks for all kids 3+, which is consistent with local rules about mask wearing outside the home. The teachers also have face shields and gowns. We are going into this with the plan of trying it for a month; if the kids find it awful and hate being there, we’ll reevaluate and probably get a nanny. So far yesterday and today all smiles and excited to go to school. They have limited the class size (and the hours, which is another story). 1.5 yo is one of 3 kids in her room and based on the pics it looks like they’re just running around as usual, though I know they’ve reduced the number of toys in the room to minimize how many things need to get cleaned. 3.5 yo is one of 6 kids and they are doing more individual free time and fewer kids at tables, so whereas before there might be 5+ kids doing an activity now there are 2-3 at a table spaced out, but she understands that she can play near and talk to friends but should refrain from touching and hugging for instance. 3.5 yo has been wearing mask on walks outside the house anyway so she is familiar and seems fine with it, even asks to wear it in the car. They of course remove for lunch and snack (we have always provided lunch but now are also being asked to send snack so there is no school-provided food).
I was worried about like OP noted about these modifications and limitations counteracting the socialization benefits, which are also our main reason for sending the kids back. I’m keeping an open mind and am tentatively optimistic after the first day back that this is still a net positive, doing art projects, circle time, talking to people that aren’t our family, etc.
My day care also only requires adults to wear masks, and the kids are outdoors the majority of the day, so I can’t really give you a fair answer but will give you a few thoughts. My 3 y/o would not wear a mask all day. I wouldn’t even bother trying. I don’t think it’s too much to ask a 6 y/o to at least try it. I don’t think masks will impact their social skills at all, but obviously I have no scientific basis on which to make that claim. Also, “encouraged” to me reads as highly optional, but I’d be embarrassed to be the only mom sending her kids without masks.
Our day care will require masks for kids over 3 – I think it will be difficult to maintain, but I appreciate the effort, especially since many parents at our school work at the hospital.
I feel like a six year old should be old enough to understand that wearing a mask is a healthy issue to protect their friends and teachers.
I have my 3 year old and 8 year old wear masks when we go out for walks- they wear them hooked on to their ears and pull them up over their noses when we approach others. I do have to keep reminding them to do so. I was hoping I would get used to mask wearing, but I do still feel super self conscious about it.
I too am uncomfortable with kids wearing masks and can’t put my finger on it, but I am way less comfortable with having no in-person school in the fall. Since masks are increasingly shown to decrease transmission of the virus, and it therefore likely to be part of any school reopening plan, I’m happy to have my 5 year old wear a mask all day and be able to interact with his friends. We’ve had a few masked, outdoor “playdates” and the mask honestly didn’t affect their play or interaction at all. It does bother him when it gets hot, but we insist he wears it outside the house.
I am also very conscious to be matter of fact about mask wearing – I think kids pick up on our anxiety, and since I think masks are likely inevitable, I want him to be comfortable despite my own discomfort with them.
And our daycare, where he will return in about a month, is requiring masks for 3+ “where feasible” inside, but not outside. I actually feel much more comfortable with him returning with the knowledge that they are encouraging masking.
Maybe kids wearing masks makes us uncomfortable because it reminds us of this scary thing that we’re all trying to deal with and the risks that we are trying not to think about all the time to preserve our sanity? I live in NYC, and my personal experience is that wearing a mask when out of the apartment has become second nature to me. But mask usage is really the norm here, even for young children, so that probably helps. My 8 year old is fine with it; I know some other kids have more trouble. I admit that we are home 95% of the time still, so I’ve never had to wear a mask all day, which I imagine will be harder. But yeah, if this is the price of admission for school reopening, I’ll take it. I can see it making it harder for kids to read facial expressions, but I don’t think it will undo most socialization benefits for kids who are verbal. My son certainly talks up a storm while wearing his mask.
My 13-year-old is so bored that she has taken it upon herself to KonMari her room. Now if I could just figure out how to convince her that she does not need to include me in the “sparks joy” decision for every. single. item.
Tell her to make an “ask mom” pile, and you will devote something like 10 minutes before lunch and after work to helping her with the tough decisions. If she can’t limit your involvement to 20 minutes a day, she can’t do it until you’re available to make it a joint project.
I think this is a good idea. And she’s probably trying to connect with you!? I don’t know this sounds sweet, not annoying.
I actually thought it was sweet too, and I did tell her to make an “ask mom” pile. I just can’t help her out while leading a videoconference with 20 people.
Yes! So much a part of the mental load to support 13yo in this endeavor, do your own work, and squeeze this task in somehow so that you aren’t resenting sweet time with 13yo, I’m sure. It is her project but now one more thing on your plate. I see and hear this, avocado.
it’s nice she values your opinion! i was so like that as a kid and still am. my mom passed away recently and she has always been a huge part of my decision making process. sometimes i wish i was a more independent decision maker, so maybe use this as a learning opportunity?
Marriage advice needed says
Advice needed – my husband has serious depression and anxiety. He is working with a therapist and a psychiatrist, but it has been really bad since the COVID pandemic began and even worse in last week with ongoing police brutality and response. He has no energy or bandwidth to do any caregiving of our child or home. I don’t know how to handle this – I am unhappy with the environment in our home and worry about its impact on our child but don’t feel like I, or he, have any ability to change the situation other then hoping with time his medication and therapy work will help him.
Has he communicated with his doctors how bad it is? Does he need more intensive treatment?
I’m also wondering if something is more wrong (maybe not even psych, if he hasn’t had a through workup yet), if the meds and therapy aren’t helping.
I’m so sorry. What has helped him in the past to feel better? Do you keep a calendar or journal that could help jog your memory of what support made a difference?
I’m sorry. that’s a tough position to be in. My ex-husband had depression and undiagnosed PTSD after multiple overseas tours and it’s… a lot. Definitely put on your own oxygen mask first. I was guilty of letting his down mood drag the rest of us down, and I had to come to terms with the fact I couldn’t drag him out of the dark hole he was in. He’s my ex-husband now, so don’t know how helpful this is, but I had to eventually let life go on without him. I spent too much time sitting at home in the dark because he didn’t want to be “left out” when I took our son somewhere to do something fun… yet he wouldn’t go. I began to enjoy the times he worked late or was out of town or had drill on the weekend because I could do things with my son and have the lights on and maybe even run the dishwasher and have the TV on at the same time without someone snapping! I regret not just going out and doing those things with my child without him before I did. I might have harbored less resentment had I done that. The fact I was much happier when he wasn’t around and felt like he was actively standing in the way of my son and I doing anything was certainly a sign the end was coming, so my marriage advice is to do whatever you can to not let it get to that point.