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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Rosa says
Does anyone know how much has changed in the new 2019 edition of Expecting Better? I loved it first time round, wondering whether it’s worth getting the revised edition now we’re trying again.
fyi says
I don’t know – but her new book “Cribsheet”, on early childhood, is coming out in April.
Rosa says
Thank you, I’ll be pre-ordering!
Parental support in BigLaw? says
If you could craft a parental support group for BigLaw people, what would it look like (ideally)?
— lawyers only (or perhaps senior staff, who often have travel responsibilities; admin members at my firm tend to have grown & flown children or at least not elementary aged kids)
— mixed gender officially (even though I suspect that it will be attended by women)
— focus on back-to-work after first kid?
— focus on older kid things also (picking real schools, nanny tax issues, area summer camps that have worked for other working moms or those in dual-worker families; kid activities like swim lessons)?
I never had this and felt like I had to totally re-invent the wheel (and I work with mainly guys with SAH wives, so they have no idea either; they are just the funding source).
Anon says
I may be in the minority, but as a lawyer I find it off-putting when staff are included in work-life balance things. Working 40 hours/week is so different than being an attorney in Big Law.
Anonymous says
There are a couple kinds of staff though — manager- and director-level staff have some serious responsibilities and often travel b/w offices regularly and that is very tough as a parent. We have a director-level HR person who recently had a kid and there is also nothing for her. It’s not the same. But the humane thing to do would seem to include her.
[And our staff leave is the pits — 6 weeks.]
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t participate with staff. It’s completely different when you don’t need to Bill.
Anonymous says
IDK — I’d participate with in-house people. Or if I worked in a university setting. Or in investment banking / private equity / Big4.
Man, everything in law is so class-based. I hate us sometimes.
ElisaR says
i’m not in your industry but this is a parental support group. if someone works hard at their job in your office and is a parent you are not going to participate in a community with them? way harsh, tai.
CPA Lady says
The way lawyers talk about their support staff never fails to shock me, no matter how many times I hear it. Accounting is such a similar profession in a lot of ways, but there was never any point in my professional career when I was trained to believe any of the support staff was less than me in any way.
FWIW, I don’t think billing your time matters one way or another (and I say that as someone who bills her time). What matters is how much overtime you’re working. If you’re working 60+ hours a week, you’re going to have a lot more in common with other folks who are working those hours than you are with someone who works 40 hours a week, billable or not.
Generally speaking, I would probably not go to a work group geared towards mothers. I would possibly go to a parental support group, only if men were included and came too. Really, this is not a woman’s issue to solve. It is men’s, both by taking paternity leave and stepping up at home throughout their children’s lives, and by using their workplace clout to institute and stand behind policies that are actually family friendly.
Anon says
I’m the Anon at 9:11 and I’m in no way trying to look down on staff, but I just think the reality of the job and the schedule is so different, it doesn’t make sense to try to be a joint support group. I wouldn’t have much interested in being in a support group with a senior research scientist at a university or an executive in a large corporation, and it’s not because I think my job is better or more prestigious than theirs, it’s just that I have different issues and working parent problems unique to my job (especially related to having to bill and do business development).
Anonymous says
Not a lawyer, but I feel similarly about support staff. I have a level of responsibility and public exposure that admin staff simply don’t share and cannot comprehend. My assistant is not personally responsible for millions of dollars, for complying with a zillion federal regulations and contractual requirements, or for making recommendations that affect public policy and actual people’s jobs and lives. He is not the one who is on the hook when a legislative committee wants to know why its report is delayed or doesn’t contain the result it was expecting. He does not have to face what amounts to cross-examination by 25 judges at once, all while trying to make them understand basic arithmetic. He has the luxury of getting stressed out about things like booking conference rooms and ordering lunch. And yes, I do know what I’m talking about, because I had a career in IT before I went to grad school. There is simply no comparison. So no, I do not want to participate in a working parents’ group with my assistant.
Anonymous says
IIRC, my military friends have lots of working mothers in their ranks, and everything applies to them, but it tends to be broken out by rank (so, you’d do something for officers, something for enlisteds, and maybe something for senior NCOs).
I have working mom friends who are colonels, so I applaud the military for doing it better than BigLaw. Now pls let me know what the secret sauce is . . .
Anon says
I agree. I’d even go further and say I would want a breakdown by practice groups. I personally find it super frustrating to listen to partners in litigation talk about their tips for work life balance. As a transactional lawyer I don’t have the luxury of a court schedule and my day could be looking great and then I get hit with a client emergency at 4:00. I want to hear from people who have jobs very similar to mine. The exclusion of staff has nothing to do with being elitist, I just find these groups less helpful when people’s jobs look very different.
anne-on says
Can you post agenda’s/meeting topics in advance? I would have benefitted from the back to work stuff at first, but in retrospect daycare was a dream for a working parent schedule. Real school with all its random holidays, early dismissals, summer vacation, and pickup at 2:30/3 totally shook up our childcare and my work schedule.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Call me cynical but I don’t think anything will change for working parents (mostly working moms) unless the culture at biglaw changes from one run by mostly men with SAH spouses who think that success looks only like putting 200% at work at the exclusion of everything else. Are you in a high enough position of power to make changes to your firm’s culture?
Parental support in BigLaw? says
Yes — I run a small-ish group and have stumbled into being the oldest female attorney in our office (even though my kids are not at any remarkable ages, so I still have learning to do myself).
Was actually thinking to potentially (quarterly?) open to clients and/or friends at other firms. Maybe depending on topics . . .
Anonymous says
It’s not just biglaw. I know exactly five moms with full-time non-teaching jobs (research scientist, doctor, health care manager, marketing executive, and the director of my own division at work). Three have SAH husbands, one’s husband is a teacher, and one has multiple nannies and a husband who works part-time. We are literally the only family we know in which both spouses have full-time non-teaching jobs. The world is just not set up for two parents to work.
Anon says
Where do you live? Everyone I know is a two working parent family and both parents work full-time.
Anonymous says
Suburbs of mid-size city in the south.
Anon says
Interesting. I’m in a smaller Midwestern city in a very conservative state and I admit I don’t know many couples who both have Big Jobs like Big Law, Big Finance or being an executive at a big company, but I know lots of couples where both people work 40 hours/week outside the home.
Anonymous says
This. Half of my govt office is female lawyers, most of whom are married with kids. And most of the male lawyers are either married to doctors or lawyers. Yes it’s govt but no one is clocking out at 40 hours. And it’s not just my office, in my oldest’s elementary school class, there’s 3 out of 27 families with a SAHP and one of those is a SAHD.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I’m in the DC Area and although I know there are tons of 2 FT working parents here, I know a LOT of couples where the Mom is either a SAHM or does something super flexible outside the home (e.g. 1099 contractors, freelancing, etc). Limited day-to-day family support given the transient nature of the area, and a much more part time approach to childcare.
Meanwhile, in my home-city (Large Texas City) most of my friends with kids are in one of two incomes for their homes, but generally do have more family support and more full time childcare even apart from the family help.
My data point is anecdotal, of course, but find this super interesting and wanted to add to the chorus. I find it’s less a red state/blue state thing and more of a case-by-case.
Anon says
I’m in a Midwestern college town and in most of the families we know, both parents work at the university (either one faculty/one staff or two faculty). Maybe you count university faculty as “teachers” but I don’t because teaching is only a small part of the job and most work much more than 40 hours a week when you include research, even during the summer. They largely set their own schedules and have more flexibility to do things during the workday than a regular 9-5 office worker, but it’s definitely not a less-than-fulltime job and I don’t know any that regularly watch their schoolage kids in the afternoons, so aftercare, etc. is still necessary.
Anonymous says
Re: anon @11:15. Agreed. I’m a university professor. Most of the women I work with who have kids have spouses who telecommute (more flexibility, even if the hours can be long), or have generally flexible jobs. This is our case, and we still hire a babysitter a few hours each weekend and have our kids in daycare 8-6. It’s flexible in many ways, but it’s absolutely not a less than fulltime job.
anon at 9:28 says
No, I am definitely not lumping university faculty in with “teachers.” I am talking about schoolteachers who have summers and school breaks off, can have their kids attend the schools where they teach even if they live outside of the attendance zone, and can have their kids hang out in their classrooms while they do prep work after school. My field is adjacent to academia and I am very aware of the demands on faculty.
anne-on says
I feel this way too FWIW. The few working moms I do know are freelance (writer, part time teacher), full time teachers, or have very significant family/grandparent help (plus one with a SAHD). This community is a truly a valuable resource – nobody I know IRL talks about the realities of balancing two ‘big’ full time jobs.
anon says
Me too! I live in a large Texas city and I know a lot of moms who work… four days a week. I know very few doing a traditional five days like I do. And honestly, I want what they have!
Anonymous says
Banks in my city let people drop to 80% (full day off a week) no questions asked and most moms from my daycare took that once their kids aged into regular school.
SC says
Yep. I live in the suburbs of a mid-size city in the south. DH has a huge family, and of the 5 sets of siblings and step-siblings with kids (all who live in our city), only two couples have 2 parents who work in traditional full-time jobs. Of those couples, one has full time daycare and gets a ton of help from the grandparents. In the other, both parents have work in schools and so are on the school schedule. I’m not saying it’s easy for anyone, but I just don’t see how you can do two “big” full-time jobs without adding basically another adult–a nanny, a grandparent, an au pair, etc.
Anonymous says
This. We moved closer to my parents to enlist grandparent back-up help in addition to full time childcare. Couldn’t do it otherwise.
EB0220 says
I know this isn’t really the point of this thread but it almost warrants its own discussion. I am fascinated. One of the reasons I like our area is that most families seem to have two working parents. Maybe it’s because I naturally gravitate toward those families and/or because most of my kids’ friends are from daycare and now school aftercare.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I would really really like to know how to screen for this in a potential suburb. I fear that some of the “nicer” suburbs around here skew high-paying sole breadwinner+SAHP…
Anonymous says
Not in BigLaw, but I agree that attorneys and staff should have their own separate groups. It is frustrating and off-putting when our admin staff try to relate to me as a working parent. Yes, you have challenges as a working parent. No, they are nothing like the ones I face.
I would make a real effort to push men to attend. I think it should be a task force or advocacy group with a focus on improving firm policies and expanding resources; a “support” group implies that it’s the responsibility of the mother to figure out how to get by within the existing system. I’d also cover big-kid issues, as those can be just as difficult as baby issues and they are rarely acknowledged or addressed.
anon says
I’m at a nonprofit and we had a moms group and it was the first time I realized almost all the parents WERE admins. It was super demoralizing. The top two women have kids too and they didn’t attend so maybe that would have helped?
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t. It’s a waste of my time and at work, I’m working. It doesn’t help my career to be seen to be needing support for mommying. If there’s money available, awesome. Let me use it for an emergency nanny or day care service.
Anonymous says
Would you eat a catered-in lunch where you could discuss various topics in a supportive environment or just vent? [I think of this as how the old boys network works where you want to join a golf club and want to line up your proposer and seconder; ain’t no shame in that for men.]
Anonymous says
Not if it’s organized for mommies, nope.
Anonymous says
I get that and yet the best thing for my career long-term will be . . . figuring out what works for other mommies.
Especially if there is someone super-senior to me actually willing to walk about it (no disrepect to working mommies with SAH husbands, but my firm has two that they tout all the time and that is totally not relatable to me and sort of reconfirms that BigLaw is only going to work out if one parent stays home).
anon says
I would instead make it a working group to identify ways that the firm could (and would) make life easier for two-working-parent households. Paternity leave (that can be taken anytime so that it can be stacked with mom’s maternity leave) and backup care for the littles, not sure what for the older ones. This means you will necessarily need buy-in from the higher ups and a wider cross section of partners (not just the moms).
Anonymous says
This. I just got out of a useless internal firm meeting. No I don’t want to sit around and complain for an hour about how busy everyone is. And I don’t want to add a meeting where I had to sit around and complain for an hour about how hard it is to be a working parent. Start an online suggestion box for substantive things the firm could do to make things better. Maybe you allow some WFH but the WFH software is garbage or the billing system isn’t easy to use, or the assistants need to be reallocated differently. Find me more hours in the day to spend with my kid.
Anonymous says
Frankly, I just want to be working for other moms of two-working-parent-households and having them give input on my performance review. Working for non-parents or parents who have no child-rearing responsibilities (whether because of a stay-at-home spouse or because the children are grown) just sets me up for failure. Signed, biglaw mid-level associate with 2 kids from pre-law life.
GCA says
Not in law. Responding not only to this but the comments thread throughout:
1. I want to work with, and be assessed on performance by, a critical mass of people around me who at least somewhat understand what working mothers go through, whether that’s men with wives who work, or women who have kids themselves. I don’t need a formal organized outlet to vent to colleagues, I can do that in any number of places (at home, to friends on phone or text groups, local mommy facebook groups, etc). Instead, can you think about what measures and policies your company might put in place that will shift the culture internally to retain and promote a critical mass of working parents?
2. The geographic/ cultural differences are fascinating. I’m in the greater Boston area. 75% of the couples we are close to have both parents working. (Bc my kids are in daycare, obviously all the kids there have 1.5-2 working parents.) I think in cities where more people have moved specifically for school/ work, there is probably less family support nearby. We’ve had to build our own network here with others in the same boat, but it is a very strong support network.
Knope says
I’m not in Biglaw anymore, but when I was it was really frustrating that the work-life balance conversations were always hosted by and attended by only women. The firm liked to tout that it had part-time/flexible arrangements available to anyone, so it was a “family-friendly” place to work, but in reality this was only publicized to women, and the only situation in which I knew of a man taking advantage of this was where a man got a part-time adjunct position at a local university in addition to his Biglaw job. So, I think it’s really important that if you are forming these types of groups, you explicitly say it is for both moms and dads, and specifically reach out to men to try to get them to participate too.
Anon says
This is definitely not unique to Big Law though. I’m in a famously family-friendly industry and work at a great employer that is really committed to supporting working parents, and we still have a very hard time getting anyone but women to use part-time, flextime or even paid parental leave benefits. My company offers 6 weeks paid leave to all new parents, but I’ve never heard of a guy taking more than 2 and most take only 1. And it’s not because it would hurt their career advancement, they just have very little interest in taking leave. It’s a US culture problem, not a big law problem.
Anonymous says
You just need someone to start it! My husband was the first at his job to take his full leave. Then, someone else did. Now it’s getting really normalized. And, honestly, a lot of other men express feeling bad they didn’t take theirs.
Blueberries says
I’d prefer a group that’s only for lawyers and in which fathers and mothers are both encouraged to attend. Things will only get better if men become and are regarded as equal parents.
Only for lawyers because
-the pressures are different
-the solutions are different. In order to do the job, you often have to throw tons of money at your problems. Someone who earns less doesn’t want to hear about using a super expensive nanny agency to cover a childcare gap. It’s unhelpful to a lawyer to hear how a staff person can reliably plan to take a vacation day for a childcare gap. On either side, it’s unhelpful and probably breeds resentment.
Anon says
Yes, I’m the person who originally said no staff and this articulates it a lot better than I did. Problems are different, solutions are different.
HSAL says
Two questions about daycare/car seat logistics. We have a 3 1/2 year old and my 8 month twins are going to outgrow their bucket seats in the next month or two, so I need to figure out how to transport everyone. My husband does dropoff in a Honda Odyssey, I do pickup in a Honda Fit.
1. We’re going to buy a new car, because I’ve barely managed three-across in the Honda Fit so we need to upgrade. I’ll get another Odyssey if I have to (it’s a great minivan, I just don’t want two) but I’ve also heard good things about the Subaru Forester or Outback being able to go three-across. I think a Clek Fllo will be my best bet, but any other car/car seat suggestions for three-across?
2. We’re going to have at least a few months of having to carry them once they’re out of the bucket seats before they’re confidently walking. Do you think it makes sense to buy a cheap double umbrella stroller for transporting in and out of daycare? The director usually helps me out to the car but I don’t want to count on that every day. It’ll be slightly easier if we have the Odyssey since I can remotely open the doors, but either way I’m going to have to set someone down somewhere to get everyone buckled in. Any other ideas or stroller suggestions?
Anonymous says
A family at our day care was in the same situation (3-year-old plus infant twins), and a double umbrella stroller worked out well for them.
Anonymous says
I think most people in a similar situation at our daycare just pull right up to the door so there is minimal walking in the parking lot. I’d just do that at first and see how it goes. I have no experience with dropping/picking up 3 including 2 who can’t walk, but I can say that I get seriously annoyed at things that are needlessly complicated. And getting a stroller out seems needlessly complicated to me. I think you could give the 3.5 year old jobs to help, too.
anon says
I wouldn’t get a particularly cheap umbrella stroller unless you really think this is the only time you’ll use it. Many people I know continue to use their umbrella stroller for a long time even though they’ve dropped the use of a full-size stroller. Cheap (think $20-40) umbrella strollers are awful. Not sure there are a ton of options for a cheap double umbrella, though.
Are you sure your twins are going to outgrow their bucket seats? I’ve seen a 2 1/2 year old fit in a bucket seat (she was smallish but not tiny). Usually height comes first, and it’s not true height, it’s b*tt to head height. Just because they are too heavy to cart back and forth in the bucket (that makes sense if they’re largeish 8 mo olds) doesn’t mean they’ve outgrown the seat. You could simply designate that the bucket lives in your car and get convertible seats for the Odyssey until they truly outgrown the buckets. Would give you a bit more time to space out buying four (!) convertible seats at once. When they actually outgrow the buckets then you get a new car and two more convertible seats. If you’re lucky, you might even be able to re-purpose the 3 1/2 year old’s convertible seats at that point and graduate him/her to a booster of some sort, depending on weight, height, and maturity.
Anonymous says
My daughter outgrew the bucket seat at 8 months….-actually outgrew officially, not just got too heavy to carry. She’s big but not a giant. The height limit on a lot of the seats is 30”, that would be an extraordinarily small 2.5 year old. It’s about average for a 12 month girl or 9 month boy.
HSAL says
Yeah, they’re definitely outgrowing. The height limit is 30 inches and more than one inch from the top of the seat. They were 28 inches in December at their 6 month appointment and they’re borderline from the top of the seat right now, but I haven’t gotten a good measurement of that. We’re going to have them measured for length at their appointment Thursday, but they’re very close. I’ll be stunned if they can make it to April.
Luckily my brother gave us two of their seats so we’ll ‘only’ need to buy three, since my daughter is outgrowing the Cosco Scenera that’s in my car. She’s the tiny one and nowhere near ready for a booster.
anon says
Bummer.
Anonymous says
Mine outgrew the bucket at 6 mo. Not unusual to outgrow at 8 mo.
Canadian says
I have a Subaru Forester and I’m almost positive that you can’t do 3 car seats across, because the middle seat (in I think all Subaru’s) doesn’t get flat enough. Join a car seat group on face*ook where a car seat tech can tell you what cars can work with what seats. (I’m Canadian and find “seats for kids discussion community” very helpful).
We only have 2 kids, so not the same but we are strongly considering replacing our Subaru Forester with the new Subaru Ascent- it’s their 7 seater SUV- instead of going the minivan route. But since we are done with 2 we don’t need the third row very often, ymmv.
Anonymous says
Our twins are our only kids, so I don’t know how this works with a third kid in the mix, but here’s what we did. We moved them out of the bucket seats at 7 months and they didn’t start walking until 14.5 months, so I had a good while of carrying them into daycare. We also have a Fit.
Morning drop-off:
-Unbuckle kid on driver’s side and leave her sitting in her carseat. Shut the door.
-Go around to passenger side, unbuckle that kid
-Pick up daycare bag and sling over shoulder. (A backpack would totally have been easier, but we never did that.)
-Pick up first kid and hold her on the same side as the daycare bag.
-Use free hand to shut door and open door on the other side.
-Scoop up second kid and balance her on the other hip.
-Use hip/butt to close second door.
-Carry both up the stairs and into daycare. We have to knock on the door to be let in–this is totally doable even with a baby in each arm.
Afternoon pick-up:
90% of the time the assistant director would carry one out to the car, put her in her seat, and shut the door. I’d buckle in the kid I carried out and then come around and buckle in the second kid.
On days I didn’t get help out the door, I’d do the morning trick in reverse: Carry both out to the car, use one hand that was supporting a baby to open a backseat door, gently dump first kid in a carseat, shut the door, go around to the other side to buckle in second kid, go back to the first side to buckle in the first kid.
It sounds complicated, but worked out totally fine for us and much easier than other suggestions we got of using a carrier or a double stroller. My twins were never more than 20 lbs each before they started walking, though, so if you have larger kids this may be less sustainable.
HSAL says
Seeing the breakdown of your steps was really helpful, thanks. I probably wouldn’t be able to knock to get in – there’s no guarantee that someone would be within earshot so I’d likely have to wait a few minutes. It’s 50/50 whether there’s another parent dropping off the same time. And they’re 18-19 pounds so those few minutes could make a difference. I laughed at the “gently” dump. :)
Anonymous says
Haha, the key is making sure they land butt-first, so it’s really more of a “plop”… (See also, when you have twins you do random things that would horrify singleton parents!)
Jeffiner says
My just turned 4 year old loves to open the door for us. Its pretty heavy for her, but as long as she can pull it open a little I can get a foot in to open it all the way. Could your oldest have the task of opening the door?
Anonymous says
Don’t minivans have automatic doors?
Anonymous says
I’m guessing she meant the daycare front door?
anonwithtwins says
i’m in awe! i have twins and we have a nanny because it was more cost effective, but also because the logistics of getting them both to daycare feels overwhelming. i cannot believe you carry both of them at once up the stairs! i get nervous i’m going to drop one during carrying both around our apartment
Anonymous says
It was a little nerve wracking the first time but seemed liked the easiest solution! Now they’re 2 and I long for the days they were so easy to pick up. I do sometimes carry them both, but it’s more of a squat down, get them one in each arm, and stagger to my feet sort of situation.
Anonymous says
Get the second minivan or something with three rows of seating – it’s a pain but it’s super hard to fit three across once the oldest is in a booster seat and they need to access the seatbelt buckle. We did three Clek Fllos across in our smaller car but we had to upgrade when oldest when to a booster seat at age 7. Once the oldest is out of a booster seat, you should be able to go back to three across (that’s my hope anyway).
To get them into daycare, I kept an ergo in the minivan, I used an ergo to front carry or side carry one baby, held the other on my hip. Older kid wore her own backpack, I put the twins stuff in a backpack that I wore. DH didn’t like the ergo so he just had older kid hold his coat. This only worked because older kid was compliant and DH picked up relatively late so he could usually get a very close parking spot.
Finally, I was the only lawyer at my office with three kids who didn’t get a nanny. In hindsight I wish I had done a nanny until the twins were about age 3 and just had older kid in part-time preschool. Getting all three out the door in the mornings was a huge source of stress that I wish I had avoided.
HSAL says
Thanks, I’m glad to hear some real-life experience with the Fllos since I had wondered about the booster seat issue. Was it a problem to buckle or was there some other issue? Can I ask what the car was? I’m suddenly very well-versed in car rear hiproom, so I can’t wait to find out what part of my brain that replaced.
Anonymous says
Problem was not having room to buckle. We got 3 fllos in a Suzuki sx4, Toyota matrix, VW Tiguan, and a Ford SMax (Europe) but once we needed a booster seat the 17inch seats are not flush up against each other because you need space to buckle the seatbelt for the booster seat kid and we couldn’t make it work (sob!). We lucked out and got a Mazda5 minivan before they stopped production so it drives like a car.
Anon says
I’m just in the waiting to be a mom phase so my advice might be totally crazy. But, if your car is parked close to daycare and you can lock it, why not do two trips? Take one kid out, buckle in, lock doors, run back up, grab other two kids, come back out buckle in, lock doors. Assuming the other two will be waiting just inside the door for you?
HSAL says
I’d be comfortable leaving my oldest just inside the door (you can pretty much see the door from any parking spot), but not one of the twins, so that doesn’t really solve the issue of going out with both of them. They wouldn’t stay nicely in one place and would just crawl around and get in the way of other people trying to go in and out. It’s probably what I’ll do when they’re older if there’s inclement weather so it’s not a crazy idea, just not right for the stage we’re in right now.
anon says
Nice try, but this would definitely not work at my daycare. No only is the parking lot a short walk from the front door (out of vision), but it also gets 100+ degrees here in the summer.
anon says
I’d be comfortable with this at home, but in my state (California), licensing could cite the daycare for me doing this.
Anon says
You should be able to do this, but you really can’t leave a child in the car for any length of time these days, even in really nice weather and even if you’re right there. Not because I think they’d get snatched or something but because someone may call the cops.
ElisaR says
exactly
Anon says
I was picturing my local daycare that is more like a big driveway with 10 parking spaces max. I wouldn’t do it in a parking lot the size of a high school’s. It’s more like a driveway than a parking lot.
AwayEmily says
What about using your regular stroller for one baby? Put one in the stroller and carry the other, hang all the stuff on the stroller handle, and the 3 1/2 year old walks.
Yes to minivan, too. I think every parent with three kids at our daycare has a minivan. It does seem to make life easier.
anon says
I have no thoughts on the getting into daycare logistics, but I would not get an Outback for doing three-across. The backseat of our Outback is not that roomy, even with just two kids in carseats. I don’t know where you’d even put a third, unless the seat design has changed significantly recently.
HSAL says
Thanks, this is good to know. Clek has sent me pictures showing they can do three-across in both the Forester and Outback, but “fitting” doesn’t mean “actually workable.”
Anonymous says
No 3 carseat experience, but after lots of 2 carseats + adult experimentation I’ve found that because of the way the Outback backseat is shaped it’s actually tighter to do 2 Scenera Nexts plus adult in the middle seat in an Outback than in a Fit.
lawsuited says
Maybe I have a higher threshold for risk, but I think undoing the straps and clips on the car seats just to do up the straps and clips on the stroller and then undo them again moments later inside the daycare centre would irritate me. I’d get one of those folding wagons and put all 3 kids in there.
HSAL says
I wouldn’t bother strapping them in the stroller (it’s a really short walk) but I really like the idea of the folding wagon, and we were going to get one anyway. Thanks!
Twins % says
I am blown away by how common twins are now. And terrified. I barely made it with one the last time (severe reflux; hard to breathe after 7 months — I seem to have a very short torso even though I’m not particularly short). I know it’s a lot of older moms driving this, but does anyone have a sense of which are just naturally-occurring twins (and which are either clomid-related and/or IVF-related twins)? Just concerned what my actual odds are as an older mom (39; prior pg at 38) not doing any fertility-related things. [And also concerned that a multiple-pregnancy is just higher-risk in general; I wouldn’t want to be on bed rest or have a lifting restriction since I am already a parent to an active kiddo that I still need to do a lot of lifting and carrying with.]
IHeartBacon says
Unless I’m told otherwise, I find that I always assume twins are because of a fertility treatment. No judgment…my LO was through fertility treatment.
Anon says
Hmm, I know three women that had twins without any fertility treatment, and two of the three were under 35. So it seems like an odd assumption to make.
Anonymous says
Fraternal twins run in my spouse’s family (so no risk to me) for generations, incl. back when people had kids at 20.
Infertility can strike at any time.
Surprise fraternals came to one friend who got pg when quitting nursing. Surprise identals came to one cousin who did fertility treatments and the implanted egg split.
Anon says
Oh I wasn’t implying that because they were under 35 they didn’t need fertility treatments. I know for a fact they didn’t, and I just included the ages because being older makes it more likely you’ll have fraternal twins (more FSH).
IHeartBacon says
Of course twins happen naturally. Your friends would fall into my “unless I’m told otherwise” category. How people ended up with their children is none of my business though, so I would never ask the parents of twins whether they used fertility treatment, and I would never pass any judgment if they volunteered the information.
Anonymous says
I agree — 100% not my business.
BUT I have a feeling that if I knew that even 75% of twins were fertility-related, then I could relax a bit. [And no knocks on fertility treatments — I’m glad that people have options.] In my grade school (maybe 4 classes per grade), there were maybe 1-2 sets of twins in the whole school and not even 1 set per grade. Now, there are 1-2 sets of twins in each of my kids’ classes (vs grades or the school as a whole).
Anon says
There’s some info about twin ‘risk factors’ here: https://www.babycenter.com/0_your-likelihood-of-having-twins-or-more_3575.bc
This is part of why we didn’t go for a second child (I’m older, white, very tall, there are twins in my family). We were sort of already on the fence about a second and the idea of getting a third at the same time was terrifying. Of course, if we’d been desperate for a second we probably would have taken that risk, but we weren’t so we didn’t.
Anonymous says
Thanks for this link!
HSAL says
Whenever people ask if they run in my family, I just tell them I got old and fat, since those are two of the risk factors for hyperovulation. But I was “only” 36 when I got pregnant, and I was the same weight as when I got pregnant with my first at 33. I have no idea how many are the result of fertility treatments, but I suspect the natural twins are due to moms on average being older and heavier these days.
I got exceptionally lucky with my twin pregnancy – no health issues whatsoever except for feeling terrible after 35 weeks (csection at 38), but I had a friend who was due with twins (via IUI) a few months after me who had GD that couldn’t be controlled by diet, and all sorts of other flare-ups and where her water broke at 33 weeks.
New twin mom says
I recently had twins and realized after I got pregnant that I hit a few risk factors (tall, older, second pregnancy, a little overweight), but my understanding is that it’s still pretty unlikely. Most other twin moms I know had fertility treatments.
For what it’s worth, after having recently gone through the experience of a twin pregnancy and now being a mom to a 2 year old and newborn twins — it’s hard, but not so hard that you should avoid another pregnancy altogether due to fear. If it happened, you could do it. The pregnancy was very uncomfortable at the end, but I got through it with no serious issues and it’s a distant memory now. Taking care of twins, is, knock on wood, easier than I imagined (see my other post today). But we also called in our village big time over the past couple of months – and even during my pregnancy when I needed a break – and if you don’t have that option, it will of course be that much more difficult.
Anonymous says
I’m 40 with naturally occurring fraternal twins. I was over 35 when they were conceived, twins on the maternal side of my family, thin, average height. I carried them to 38 weeks when I had a C section. No bedrest, no GD, I took public transportation and worked to 37 weeks. They are 3.5 now. It was hard and is still hard at times, but easier than it was. I’m sure I would have only had one child if I hadn’t had twins and now I’m glad I have two children, if that makes any sense.
Anonymous says
I think you majorly need to chill. If you don’t have a family history of twins and aren’t doing fertility treatments it’s extremely unlikely you will have them.
anon says
+100. This is a very strange and pointless thing to be anxious about absent fertility treatments or family history, and makes me wonder what you are really anxious about for which this is the displacement worry. Figuring that out is probably a better use for your time than worrying about this.
Anon says
I don’t think it’s an unreasonable fear at all, actually. Twin pregnancies are dangerous for the mom and babies and having twins infants at home is incredibly stressful. I had a pretty easy baby (except for a bit of colic in the first couple of months) and I don’t know how I would have dealt with two of her without live-in hired help, which I could not afford. I think my husband and I would have killed each other or ended up divorced. And that’s with no older children at home who needed attention. Twins happen quite often, even without fertility treatments or family history, that it’s not like she’s worrying about some crazy thing that’s exceedingly unlikely.
Anonymous says
Yeah this is exactly what needs to chill. It’s also offensive. No. You wouldn’t have killed your husband. It would have been hard and you would have survived homicide free because you had to just like any other twin mom
Anon says
Ok, homicide was obviously hyperbole, but it would have been very hard on our marriage and we might very well have ended up divorcing. Plenty of people choose to remain childfree because kids are hard on a marriage and I don’t think that’s ‘offensive’ to moms. Why is not wanting the additional stress of two kids at once so unreasonable? We also literally could not have afforded daycare for two children at once, so I would have had to quit my job or we would have had to go into pretty massive debt. I think you can agree neither of those is an optimal scenario, and it’s reasonable to be worried about those possibilities? Just because it’s survivable doesn’t mean it’s something you want to do.
Anonymous says
It is not an unreasonable fear. OP is trying to figure out what she has the capacity to handle. After I had my first child (9 months of hyperemesis, then an infant who demanded to be held and eat 24/7 for several months), I was absolutely certain that there was no way I could handle a twin pregnancy or twin infants. For me the risk of twins was at least 10%, and I wasn’t comfortable taking that risk. It was a major factor in our decision to have an only. Perfectly reasonable.
Anonymous says
Statistically, they do not happen quite often without fertility treatments or family history. ;)
Anonymous says
My OB said about there’s about a 2-3% chance of naturally occurring twins for women over 35 without a known family history. We can quibble about what “quite often” means, but I don’t think you can just blow that off as very likely to happen. That’s 1 in every 30 to 50 women.
Anonymous says
Based on my twins moms facebook group, I’d guessestimate that about 25% are fertility treatment related. You are more likely to have naturally occuring fraternal twins if you are over 35, are 5’7″ or taller, take prenatal vitamins, are trying to get pregnant, if you have had one or more previous pregnancies, and have twins in your maternal line (I didn’t think this applied to me but there are twins in my maternal grandmother’s family). The chances of naturally occuring fraternal twins are about 1 in 100 at age 25 and 1 in 50 at age 35 so women tending to have kids later these days means that there will be more naturally occuring fraternal twins.
But, your pregnancy risks are lower if they are naturally occuring twins and not fertility treatment related twins. The average length of pregnancy is longer (less likely to be premature).
Anonymous says
+1 it appears that women who get pregnant with twins naturally have less complications than those who used fertility treatments. Who knows if there’s some hormone sent out that says “hey cervix! You better button up extra tight!!” Or what. But everyone I know who had premature (and some extremely premature) twins used IVF and had 2 embryos implanted.
Anon says
My FB mom’s group also seems filled with twins and it terrifies me. No sense of whether it’s fertility treatment or due to older moms which are more common in this area. My mom is an identical twin (which is not genetic), but it still makes me nervous. I don’t know how twin moms do it.
Anonymous says
That’s the thing — I know that twin moms will have more questions and logistical things (can we get two infants into daycare???), but I feel that they are omnipresent (like if I get PG, that seems to be a risk that one could go that route). But if you knew that 99% of them had fertility treatments, then you can better peg your own risk. Even on my street and the next street over, there were 3 sets of twins in 12 months once and no singleton births. I was about to stop drinking the water . . .
Anonymous says
My experience is skewed because as a twin mom we seek out other twin families, but for some anecdata, here’s the background to our town’s infant/toddler twin collection:
-2 fraternal sets from IVF (2 embryos)
-1 identical set from IVF (1 embryo that split)
-3 fraternal sets from moms under 35 with no fertility treatments and no family history of twins
-1 fraternal set from mom over 40
-1 (probably) identical set from mom under 35 (aka random)
Another twin mom says
Mom to identical twins here. I recommend looking up actual statistics and/or talking to your doctor. Odds increase as you get older (and the other risk factors others have mentioned), but I believe the likelihood is still pretty low. As a small person, I was worried about the pregnancy risks and risks to the babies. I certainly wasn’t comfortable during pregnancy (hyperemesis till they were born), but didn’t have major health problems either. If you end up needing fertility treatments, for the most part, you can control the likelihood of having multiples by never transferring more than one embryo (and techniques have gotten better in recent years so success rates using just one embryo have improved and implanting more isn’t recommended by my dr). There is a slightly increased risk of multiples with IVF, but its still something like 1%.
If the opinion of an internet stranger matters, hopefully the actual stats will calm you and not put you off from trying for another kid if you want one. That said, stats are what they are, and someone has to be in that <1% (and despite all my fears, I couldn't be happier!)
Anonymous says
Another identical twin mom here. Twins was very definitely NOT what we wanted and it’s been rough financially, but now I cant imagine life any other way.
Anonymous says
I have Clomid-only fraternal twins, who are my onlies (had them after one miscarriage). I am in a moms of multiples group and am the only one there who had any fertility treatments at all– one person used a sperm donor as a single mom but did not use any fertility meds herself, but that’s it. Its membership skews towards identical twins too, for whatever reason.
I understand not wanting multiples– I had a ton of pregnancy complications, they were early, one has autism, though that is probably unrelated to being a multiple– but they are so much fun. We’d like one more and I secretly hope we get another set, especially now that I already know what to do.
Anonymous says
Honestly, part of it is probably just that twin survival rates are much better than they used to be.
Night Training says
We have been trying to night train my almost 4 yo son for the past six weeks and it is just not going anywhere. It was his idea to stop wearing pull-ups, but he is still wetting the bed about 4 or 5 nights a week. My husband and I take turns taking him to the potty around 10:30 pm, but chances are he will still wet the bed in the morning before waking up. I’m just not sure if we should go back to pull-ups or try again later when he is a bit older or just keep going and deal with washing his waterproof mattress protector almost every night. Anyone have any luck starting night training again later on?
Anonymous says
We just waited until my son started waking up dry, and I was frankly shocked when he did. He potty trained late – 3.5 – and I thought it would take forever, but he started waking up dry somewhere around 4.5 I think? Foggy memories. I was shocked. Since then, we have never taken him to the bathroom at night–apparently he is a camel overnight–and he’s only wet the bed once I think. (Lest you be jealous: I should say he has small poop accidents/poor wiping technique almost daily during the day, and still has some small pee accidents during the day, and he’s 6.5. He’s just good at night.)
Anonymous says
My 3 kids all trained ‘late’ around 3-3.5 and all were day and night trained at the same time. I’ve heard the same from others too that late day training seems to result in faster or simultaneous night training. Doesn’t help OP but something that might help others decide re when to train.
anne-on says
This has been touched on before (and parenting books/doctors confirm) but you really can’t night train. It’s either something they’re ready for biologically or they’re not. The best you can really do it limit drinks a few hours before bed, bathroom right before bed, and possibly a ‘dream pee’ if you’re so inclined, but I’d let it go and stick with pull ups until those are reliably dry.
Anonymous says
+1,000,000. Night training is not a thing. The brain-bladder connection is either fully formed (i.e., child is fully nighttime toilet trained) or not (i.e., bladder cannot wake the child from sleep). Nothing you can do. Sorry!
Anonymous says
We didn’t night train. One kid just started waking up dry around 2.75. The other kid is wet every morning and nothing we did FOR YEARS helped. I just went back to pullups and at least I have my sanity back. When kiddo is dry for a week straight, we’ll donate the rest of the pullups.
EB0220 says
My oldest night trained at 2.75 without prompting. Youngest is 4.5 and still wears pullups overnight. I’m doing my best to let it be.
Anon says
Reposting since no one was around yesterday…
How do you feed picky toddlers when you’re traveling? We can usually find our 15 month old something to eat in a restaurant (either from a kid’s menu or parts of our meals) but DH and I don’t want to sit down in a restaurant more than twice a day and of course toddlers eat way more often than that. We default to a lot of bananas, yogurt and cereal because they’re readily available, easy to eat on the go and rarely rejected, but I would love other ideas.
Anonymous says
Pouches, string cheese. We’ll often do something low key for breakfast and lunch (like the “healthier” fast food, bagel and sandwich shops, oatmeal, breakfast of yogurt and toast at the hotel), a take-a-long snack in the afternoon, and then a bigger dinner out. When you’ve got young kids, eating small amounts often just is what it is.
lsw says
+1, and I would add goldfish, those sandwich cracker packs, fruit leather/fruit snacks, pretzels. I’m not sure if your kid would eat a simple sandwich but mine does sometimes (bread, meat, cheese).
9:58 Anon says
I will also add, we usually have lots of snacks packed and are pretty liberal with them during travel.
Anon says
We use a lot of applesauce pouches (she only gets these when we travel, so they’re new and exciting), yogurt melts and anything with carbs (french fries, bread of all kinds, etc.) in addition to the bananas, yogurt and cheese sticks. Clementines are a favorite as well. My husband likes to sit down for three square meals a day though and my toddler isn’t a big snacker, so we mostly accomplish it that way. I haven’t tried eating them room temp, but our grocery store carries pre-chopped vegetables in little single-serving microwave cups (libby’s I think is the brand) that theoretically can be served room temp (we always microwave them) – I think it’s peas, carrots, corn or green beans. Might be a way to get veggies on the go.
Anon. says
This weekend the fig bar in the diaper bag saved the day during meltdown at the museum because lunch was too late. Lunchable-type meals (whether pre-packaged or assembled at home) also a hit with my little one and add a little protein to the afternoon snack. My little one has a couple severe food allergies so we bring a lot of snacks from home everywhere we go knowing that we won’t always be able to find something safe.
anon says
+1 to everything listed above. My kids also love salami and will eat it above anything else.
Anonymous says
Cheese, fruit, and crackers/bread are our go-tos, since they’re easy to find basically anywhere. We also have decided that when on vacation our toddlers don’t have the most balanced diet, but it’s only a week or so, so we prioritize what makes our life easier when trying to sightsee (e.g. copious amounts of cheese) and don’t stress about it.
AwayEmily says
All of these are good ideas! We also always keep a baggie of Cheerios in the diaper bag because not only are they delicious and not messy, they also occupy more time (you can stack them, eat them one at a time, etc).
Anonymous says
Raisins are great for this, too!
DLC says
I used to travel with an immersion blender and make smoothies for breakfast when my kid was little. I’d buy yogurt, bananas, strawberries and spinach at the grocery and blend that for them.
lsw says
What do your kids call other adults? I’m struggling with what to have my son call my friends, his babysitter, etc. At daycare, they call the teachers “Miss Gabby” but calling “Miss Katie” to my friend feels weird. I grew up mostly saying “Mrs. Smith” but that feels even WEIRDER, plus, I’m not Mrs. anything myself. Just curious what you’re all doing. (We’re not in the south where, I understand from my cousins, it’s very common to call someone “Miss Whatever.”)
EB0220 says
I grew up in the south for the most part and now live in NC. “Miss Gabby” etc seems most natural to me so that’s what we do.
Anonymous says
+1
Anon says
I refer to my nanny by first name in front of my 11 month old baby and baby is starting to refer to her that way too. It just dawned on me that it might make her uncomfortable… obviously I grew up without using titles for adults much (except teachers).
rosie says
Ask your nanny what she wants your child to call her.
Anon says
Well my child is an infant and the nanny is only going to be with us a couple more months, so even if we told the baby to start calling her “Miss Susie” I don’t think it would really stick. It’s something I’ll be more aware of going forward though.
anon says
yup, definitely a regional and cultural thing. i grew up in the northeast and called every adult, other than my teachers just by their first name. now i live in the south and all my colleague’s kids call me Miss first name. But, I’m Jewish (though not religious at all, more like culturally jewish) and in that community people seem to call adults just by their first name.
AnotherAnon says
We’re in Texas and we do “Mr/Miss FirstName.” My first friend to have kids called me “Miss Sarah” in the presence of her son, so that just became the default in our friend group. It seemed weird at first but now it feels natural. Also, it’s much less confusing for me when a kid refer to my husband as “Mr. Adam” instead of “Mr Thornhill” – for a split second I always think “Mr Thornhill is my FIL.” FWIW my friend calls me Sarah and not “Miss Sarah” when talking directly to me, even in the presence of her kids; because that would just be weird.
Anonymous says
I tend to just extend what they do at school to other situations. Right now kiddo is 3 and still working to understand first vs last names. Ms/Mr First Name seems sufficient, and when we introduce her to other adults, it feels respectful enough for a young child. As kiddo moves to elementary school, we’ll probably work on Ms/Mr Last Name.
Anon says
I grew up in the south and pretty much everyone was Mr. or Ms Lastname. Even as an adult my mother’s friends are still Mr. and Ms. to me. My toddler isn’t speaking enough for this issue to have come up yet. Our friends have a 4 year old and 2 year old. With the 4 year old they are working on teaching “Respect” (I think it’s preschool related) and so while the kiddos always historically have called my husband and I by just first name, it’s a THING now that they have to call adults Miss or Mr FirstName until the adults tell her she can call them by their first name (which we promptly did because she was so upset that she had to call us different names). That may be the approach we go with.
Redux says
We’re in the northeast and use Miss when it’s been introduced, usually for a teacher (daycare and dance class use “miss”) but straight first name for friends and neighbors, even the old ones. I’m ok with my kid learning that different scenarios call for different patterns. I grew up saying Mrs. which I wouldn’t dream of now, but one of our little friends’ families (from the south) calls me Ms. and that’s ok (but we don’t reciprocate– I wonder if the parents find that off-putting?).
HSAL says
At daycare they do Ms and Mr. My female friends are Aunt, but I call most of my male friends by their last name so that’s what my kid calls them too, which is really funny to me. When we used a daycare teacher as a babysitter we still used Ms, but if it’s a different babysitter, we just do first name.
SC says
We use Mr./Miss, but our good friends are Uncle/Aunt. Our kid’s friends’ parents are Mr./Miss, but mostly we’re following along with what they expect their kids to call us.
Pogo says
I grew up in the NE and most kids called other people’s parents/adults by their first name, but my parents were in the minority and insisted on Mr/Mrs which stressed me out when someone’s mom was unmarried or had a different last name than their husband.
So far the only adults my kid interacts with are our close friends/family, who are Auntie/Uncle. He calls all his babysitters by their first names.
GCA says
Our friends: Uncle/ Aunty.
Kid’s friends’ parents: Mr/ Ms. or Uncle/ Aunty.
All daycare teachers: Teacher so-and-so (some of them are non-binary and this was the easiest solution. We haven’t met any non-binary parents of kiddo’s friends yet, but in that case we’d just ask what their preferred honorific is and use that)
Dance class: Ms/ Mr.
It doesn’t bother me when other parents don’t reciprocate, it’s just a matter of preference (except for misgendering people) and different families do things differently.
mascot says
Caveat- we were both raised and are raising our kids in the way south. Growing up, adults were mostly Mr/Ms. LastName with a few adult-led exceptions of Mr/Ms. FirstName. All the ma’ams and sirs. For our kid, it’s mostly Mr/Ms. FirstName unless it’s at school or the parents are modeling MrMrs. LastName with their own kids so we follow their lead. We aren’t great about enforcing ma’am and sir, but we do try to enforce polite yes or no type answers instead of yeah and grunts. I think I want to push this more because it does matter in our region.
Side note- how does everyone handle Drs or military titles? Do you have your kid address the adults using title or keeping Mr/Ms? There’s also a trend around here for doctors to be Dr. First Name- sometimes because they have something that is hard to pronounce as a last name or just to appear more approachable, I don’t know.
Anonymous says
First names. That’s what I grew up doing (Portland OR) and anything else would seem bizarre to me and would not be well received in our community.
anon says
My husband has the benefit of being Indian so we default to calling everyone Uncle/Auntie First Name. Although I guess with actual Indian folks, we go with First Name Auntie/Uncle so that may get confusing for her as she grows up. So basically, all non-Indian folks are Uncle/Auntie First Name, and Indian folks are First Name Uncle/Auntie. We’re in nyc FWIW.
Anon says
My best friend is Indian and our daughter calls her “[Name] Auntie” – I think it sounds so cute.
NYCer says
First names. Nanny has a nickname since her first name is somewhat hard for a small kiddo to pronounce.
New twin mom says
I have two month old twins who have been sleeping through the night (10-11 hours) most nights over the past couple weeks. I cannot believe my luck, but wonder if this is for real or just a tease? My older daughter starting having longer stretches around 2.5-3 months, but then hit a regression and didn’t sleep fully through the night until 7 months, so this experience with my twins is pretty foreign to me. I’m curious, for those of you who had early STTN-ers, did it stick? Did they remain good sleepers, or still hit the 4 month regression?
Anon says
My daughter started 10 hour stretches around 6 weeks and never stopped. We had no hint of any of the official regressions. Teething has been the biggest cause of disruption to her sleep, but even that usually results in a wake-up a few hours after going down and then she will give us a solid 8-9 hour stretch after we give her Tylenol and soothe her back to sleep. My ped said babies that STTN early are good at self-soothing and will generally be good sleepers for life (knock on wood).
Anonymous says
Our twins started sleeping through at 2-months adjusted and haven’t really hit most sleep regressions, so you might get lucky! (Not to say everything’s been smooth sailing, there was a horrible week or two when they were 9 months old and the usual bad nights when sick/teething, but sometimes you just luck out with babies that sleep easily.)
Anonymous says
My older kid just slept longer and longer till he slept 8 pm – 7 am at 18 weeks and has continued like that into the preschool years (earlier bedtime now that he doesn’t nap). He had disturbances of course — teething, rolling, standing, illness— but had no problem sleeping again after. Current baby did the trick of getting to 10 hours by 3 months and then major regression followed by illness after illness. At 6 mo a very good night is 9-10 hours and since he goes to bed earlier, that means 4-5 am wake up. More usual unfortunately is a few wakings. So…. kid dependent!
CCLA says
Two kiddos here that started 10+ hours around 10 weeks and never looked back. Youngest is 4 months so I may be a little premature, but so far the only issue she’s had is that she started rolling over and would sometimes wake up sad to be on her belly (we tried flipping her back, but she would just go right back over, so we let her cry a few times and she now peacefully spends most nights on her belly, though we of course put her on her back to start). Oldest is 2.5 and still sleeps like a champ. I’m a firm believer in not rushing in to comfort them the moment they start crying even from the early weeks (I’m talking like 2 minutes, not letting a newborn scream for an hour). I once heard that twins can be better in that regard because, since there are two of them, they sometimes have to wait a minute before being comforted so learn how to self soothe better than the average kiddo. Fingers crossed for you!
Anonymous says
F you. Seriously. You have taken your own children’s outlier tendencies and claimed it’s because of something you’ve done. I wish the most horrible 4 month regression ever on your family.
Anon says
Wow, that’s some serious rage you’ve got going there. I don’t see where CCLA said anything about being the cause of her children’s good sleeping abilities. She said she doesn’t rush into comfort them immediately but never said that’s why they sleep well, or that all parents who do that will have good sleepers. You can offer a piece of useful advice (and it is useful advice, as affirmed by my ped when I asked her if it was ok to do the same thing) without claiming it’s a magic bullet or that all parents who do it will be as lucky as you. I sincerely hope you get some help for your anger.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My first started STTN early and didn’t have any regressions beyond illnesses and a few regressions when the new baby arrived. He wakes up super early still (5:30) but at least doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night. Good luck! Sleep can really make or break those first few months, especially when you’re back at work.
SC says
I only have one kid, who is now 4.5, and he has always been a good sleeper. As a newborn, our pediatrician told us to wake him up to feed him. (He was born prematurely, was underweight, and had jaundice, so it was a special situation.) As soon as the pediatrician green-lighted STTN, we were ready with the Ferber method, and our kid just went to sleep within about 10 minutes and stayed asleep all night. It took 2 nights before he just went to sleep without crying. He never experienced the normal sleep regressions, but he has of course woken up (rarely) due to teething, illness, etc. We didn’t do anything special. I think we just got lucky.
We moved Kiddo to a toddler bed around 2.5 yo because he was climbing out of the crib. That changed everything about the going to bed process. It was terrible for a while, got better, and is terrible again. But even though he doesn’t want to go to bed, once he’s asleep, he still sleeps through the night.
Frump says
I’ve been back at work from maternity leave for about 3 months and I feel like a mess. I know my wardrobe needs some serious work but I can’t figure out where to start when I feel like I have zero time. I’m not wearing dresses at the moment because it makes pumping difficult. I also don’t want to spend a ton of money because I’m still trying to lose a bit of weight.
I invested in a few pairs of good pants, but beyond that I’ve been struggling. I wish I loved MM LaFleur but everything I’ve gotten from there has seemed really over-priced for the quality (and their top selection is limited anyway.) Any other ideas? Tips?
I used to get more fashion ideas from this blog but lately the clothes haven’t been for me – I still love the posts and comments, but just haven’t found much to buy for a long time. Are there other resources similar to this one I should be checking out?
Anonymous says
I did a lot of flowy blouses…like the Express Portofino and other stores’ versions of that with a couple pairs of bigger pants. One thing I do wish is that I’d sized down in them. I wanted them to be flowy to cover up my tummy and have room for my nursing b00bs. However, now they’re just so huge that I had to get rid of most of them. I wish I’d sized down to my normal size. They still would have fit – just not been as loose/flowy.
Anonymous says
+express portofino and similar shirts. I found a ton at Nordstrom’s for like $35-40. My wardrobe my first year post-partum was pretty small and boring but it was professional and stuff fit.
CCLA says
I’m one week back from leave and decided I’d rather have a few good quality things that fit for as long as it takes to lose these extra lbs, so I invested in a good pair of sized up black jeans with a high waist (need to buy one more) and a handful of tops that will still fit at a few lbs lighter (which are mostly the same shirt in multiple colors), and that’s it. Would something like that work for you? It’s boring but easy, and I still feel put together. I’m basically doing what most of the guys do anyway – a handful of similar combos in rotation. I wear either flats or heeled boots depending on how dressy I need to be, though my office is on the casual side of business casual so I have some flexibility.
SC says
Can you schedule one day to go shopping in person? Before I went back to work, I went to an outlet mall about an hour from me (with Baby and a friend). I bought new undergarments, which I desperately needed, 5-7 blouses, and a few basic pieces. It took up most of a day, but that was spent with a friend and my son, and I had what I needed afterwards. My pp shape was, let’s say, unfamiliar to me, so I needed to try a lot on to figure out what would look good, and that made in-person shopping more efficient than online shopping.
Also, when I’m feeling like my wardrobe is frumpy, I find it helps to (a) get clothes dry cleaned and pressed, (b) get shoes repaired and polished, and (c) just throw out any go-to’s that honestly have too many signs of wear. Even if it feels like I don’t have enough clothes to replace an item I wear all the time, I usually develop new favorites (or I go buy something new).
Anon says
Wrap dresses, preferably with sleeves, were my pumping friends. I didn’t have a weight issue, but I was waiting to see if my increased bust size would go down (it did once I weaned) and if my rib cage and hips would go back to their pre-pregnancy width (they did not). To bridge that gap where I found out which changes were permanent, I bought 3 new pairs of machine washable pants from express (and a new pair of jeans and new pair of corduroys from gap) in a size that fit. I picked up a couple of wrap dresses which I wore to death, and a couple of flowy tops in a larger size to accommodate the bust. And I sprung for 4 new bras which actually fit and lifted once I weaned – I couldn’t wear anything with structure when I was nursing.
ElisaR says
i had a lot of luck with Loft when it’s 40% off…. flowy tops. I can totally relate to the frumpy feeling and pumping factor and not really wanting to accept the body I was in at the time…..you’re not alone!
anon says
Post above got me thinking….what do you call someone in business? Do you call someone Ms. or Mr. Lastname if you don’t know them? Is different for email? Is it different if you are support staff vs professional staff?
My personal opinion is that I would not expect another adult to call me Ms. Lastname, regardless of seniority in a company. And since we’re all adults, I don’t think there is anything wrong with calling another adult Firstname. But please let me know if I’m offbase here. In the south, if that matters.
Pogo says
In the US, absolutely. I never call another adult, even the CEO of my company, Mr. LastName.
In Europe, it is common for people to refer to each other as Mr/Mrs LastName until you know them very, very well. I get the sense that it is similar in Asia although I only work with internal groups there so we have already been introduced and I think they are fine calling me by my first name. Japanese coworkers still always use the “san” honorific and we do the same (even when talking about them in our own office).
With Europeans I try to use Mr Lastname in email for some time, until we meet typically. I will also follow that convention when talking about another person that we both know in business (“will Mr. Lastname be coming to lunch with us later?”) but not to their face (“Hi Gustaf, nice to see you”)
Anonymous says
I work with a lot of lawyers. The default is to start off with Ms. Lastname and then quickly move to a first-name basis. It usually works like this:
E-mail 1
Ms. Bennet:
*******
Very truly yours,
John Doe
General Counsel
His Firm
E-mail 2
Dear Mr. Smith:
*********
-Elizabeth
Elizabeth Bennet
Principal Consultant
My Firm
Email 3
Elizabeth-
******
-John
John Doe
General Counsel
His Firm
And now we are on a first-name basis.
anon says
Also a lawyer, but I work more with clients (individuals) than other attorneys. I do exactly this with clients. With other lawyers I’m more likely to jump to first names, especially if I have meet said lawyer in person or on the phone.
blueberries says
I’ve worked with a ton of lawyers around the world and always use first name. I’ve been sending them work, though—they’re not opposing counsel.
I typically use first name only, unless it’s a more distant situation (opposing counsel, a business letter to someone that is totally out of the blue for them).
Anon says
I agree. I never use Mr or Mrs. I’m in biglaw on the transactional side. Every so often (like 2-3 a year tops) I get addressed as Ms and it always feels weird.
Anon says
I was recently invited to a baptism for a friend who had high risk multiples (IVF, NICU, she was late 30s). We live a couple hours away from each other but visit 3-4 times a year. I get the impression it is mostly family who have to fly in coming to the baptism. Should I go? It’s Catholic (I’m not) and I don’t want to impose if these are for family and she invited me as a courtesy. I am happy to be there if I’m not in the way. Also, what is an appropriate gift?
Anonymous says
I doubt she would have invited you as a courtesy, so if you want to go then go!
Anonymous says
I am United Methodist, not Catholic, so YMMV but here is my take: In my family it’s much appreciated but never expected that friends and family attend the baptism. If you are a close friend and are in a position to attend, she would probably be very touched. She probably wouldn’t want to feel that it was a huge burden on you, though.
Lana Del Raygun says
Catholic here: a Baptism is definitely something friends are welcome at! Present ideas:
– you can always just give a regular baby gift and no one will bat an eye
– have a Mass said for the babies (you can request this at most parish offices; they usually ask for a nominal donation and they should give you a card that says “A Mass is being offered for the intentions of ____ on ____”; Catholics love this)
– religious baby items, especially books because there’s only so many rosaries a baby needs (you can find these online or at religious gift shops if you want to check them out IRL; I’m partial to Maite Roche’s illustrations)
– a crucifix or a devotional image, especially of the baby’s patron saint (lots of names have multiple saints so this is worth checking with the parents)
anon says
I’m Catholic from a pretty Catholic family and have to say that these super religious gifts would be great… for my mom who attends Mass every single morning, but not for your garden-variety Catholics. I would never give anything other than a check (presumably for the baby’s college fund) to anyone of my generation, and that’s what every single one of my Catholic friends and relatives gave as gifts for my kids’ baptisms.
Anonymous says
Bible story board book (with a single story or just a few Bible stories) and check or regular baby gift. We didn’t get our child baptized until she was just over 2.5. Nearly everyone who came brought some sort of children’s Bible as a gift. They’re beautiful and we are appreciative. But you only really need so many…
Anon says
I’m a non-Catholic (United Methodist) married to a mostly non-practicing Catholic from a very Catholic family (and we baptized our daughter Catholic). We definitely invited friends (and family) to her baptism, but they are all local. Up to you whether you want to fly in, but it would certainly be appropriate for you to attend (I didn’t invite any out of town people because I didn’t want anyone to have to fly in for the ceremony). Of the 4 friends of mine who attended, 1 was Jewish, 2 were non-denominational protestant and 1 was a non-practicing Catholic. Gifts that we adored (and to be fair, we baptized late – around 9 months, took me a while to get on board with baptizing in the Catholic church) were small stuffed animals mostly from friends, a praying bear from my MIL that recites a couple of prayers when you press the button, a nice cross necklace from my mother and a nice non-denominational book about Bedtime Blessings (looks like it’s the one by Marianne Richmond) that my daughter adores. My husband’s (super Catholic) cousin sent us the “celebrating a Mass in her honor” thing, a small bible for her and a cross to hang on her wall. Oddly enough, no one sent us cash, but I hear that is common.
KateMiddletown says
Im obsessed with the rosary teethers you can get on Etsy.
Anonymous says
That’s really offensive to me.
ElisaR says
yeah i’m not catholic but that sounds kinda wrong
Pogo says
Catholic here as well. I definitely wanted everyone to come to my son’s baptism who I invited – was not just a courtesy! We hosted a catered dinner after as well (4pm mass), which is pretty common (equally common – having brunch at a function hall or restaurant after for a morning mass). So you should go if you are comfortable (and if you aren’t comfortable going to the church, try to find out if you can just go to the party after).
I do think the religious gifts are nice actually. We got two picture frames – one engraved with his name/baptism date & a cross, and one just said “Faith + Family”, and we used them to frame pictures of our son and the family from the baptism. A bible, also engraved with name & baptism date, is a good one too. As was mentioned above though, if you’re not into religious stuff a regular baby gift or a check is totally fine.
CHL says
I like to give a Melissa and Doug (or similar) toy Noah’s Ark for baptisms.
rosie says
She wouldn’t invite you if she didn’t want you to come. And seeing each other 3-4 x/year when you are a few hours apart sounds like you each put a lot of effort into the friendship, which is lovely, so I don’t see why you wouldn’t go (since it sounds like you are able to and want to). As for a gift, I personally think it can be odd giving and receiving religious gifts when it’s a different religion (as a person who is Jewish, I will give an otherwise-non-religious Christmas ornament, but that’s it). So I’d just do a baby gift, maybe something a little more keepsake-y.
Anonymous says
I guess experiences may vary, but in the northeast it is unusual to give anything but cash.
ifiknew says
Have you tried le tote or rent the runway? Both have really good options when you are inbetween sizes.
Anonymous says
I have been doing Ann Taylor Infinite Style with great success
BFAnon says
Any experience with BFing and allergies? My EBF 3.5-month old has had green diarrhea and bloody stools since immediately after her 2-month vaccines. At first, doc thought it was a reaction to the rotavirus vaccine, but after a week they took me off dairy. Then soy a week later. I’ve been off dairy for 6 weeks, soy for 5. And now wheat, peanuts, eggs, beef and tomatoes for 3 weeks. No change, her diapers are still bloody. Stool testing was negative for any pathogens, and we’ve seen a gastroenterologist who says it just takes time to clear my system. My baby had weight gain issues early on but is gaining fine now, and otherwise a happy healthy baby. But it’s so disheartening to see these bloody diapers 2-3 times a day! I also return to work in a few week and need to start building a freezer stash, but don’t know how/when to do that if my milk still has allergens. The only thing I haven’t cut is tree nuts because it’s become such a staple of my new diet. Any one have experience in this? Does it really take 6+ weeks? I know formula is an option, but we both really love BFing, and I want this to work.
Anonymous says
I would def take out the tree nuts and then try wheat. The allergist May say “it’s not wheat!” But I know someone whose son had the same problem and it was the wheat.
BFAnon says
Thanks!! I’ve already cut wheat but you’re right that tree nuts have got to go. I’m so reliant on them right now as something easy to eat (plus, nut milk and ice cream!) but I’ll stop today.
Anonymous says
Have you seen a pediatric allergist? The gastro advice re it taking so long to clear your BM doesn’t seem accurate to me, I had to give up milk on my oldest and I thought it was just 3 days. I would be cautious about being off non-trigger foods for too long as exposure through BM can help avoid allergies to foods.
Try keeping a detailed diary of what you are eating and when and record baby’s stool as well, that might help identify a trigger. You’ve removed all the most likely allergens so it may be worthwhile asking them to explore other possible issues.
Anonymous says
+1. A good friend had a baby with a MSP allergy and it resolved in a couple of days once she cut out dairy. Seems really weird to advise that it takes months to “clear your system.”
Anon says
4/15 moms I know who gave birth this year (friends+mom’s group) have been diagnosed with BM allergy issues. It can take a long time to clear your body. But also, some of the kids actually were allergic, and some were not. Get a second opinion. I think doctors are quick to blame mom’s diets and slow to look for other causes. If you want to build a stash, pump it and date it and keep a diary of what you ate that day so you can match allergens when you use it later. Maybe your milk lives in the freezer for awhile, that’s OK. You’ll likely be able to use it eventually.
And it’s hard when you’re in the trenches and you want to make things work, but think about pumping for a week and just giving baby formula and see what happens. You can go back to nursing.
Anonymous says
In addition to the diary, you could do a “contains dairy” etc. type label on the bags of milk.
shortperson says
my sister has a child with severe allergies and her stool/crankiness got much better when sister stopped breastfeeding at 7 months and put baby on some special formula for allergic babies.
Another twin mom says
I recommend you get a second opinion. I had a friend with similar issues. Blood in stool was something that her baby’s drs took very seriously and would have taken a much more aggressive approach to heal that asap rather than let it fester (I’m not a dr and don’t know how much to be concerned, but this sounds serious enough that you should get a 2nd opinion from someone who does specialize in this stuff, not the hive). Fwiw though, my brother is an allergist and he confirmed for me that it does take weeks for the proteins from foods to be completely out of your system, but I think you should have seen some improvement by now if food allergies/sensitivies were being caused by those foods you have eliminated. Friend’s baby never improved no matter how many foods she cut from her diet and they are all so much happier on formula. I know some people are very opposed to formula, but maybe try it for a little while until you figure out what is causing your baby’s problems and allow her GI track to heal.
anon says
Honestly, this was me and it was so, so, so hard. I would cry during diaper changes because I felt like my breast milk was making her sick. I tried dropping a bunch of stuff and saw improvements but the bloody stools never completely went away. I felt trapped. To be safe, you honestly can’t eat out unless you know that they restaurant kitchen doesn’t use the offending ingredients at all. Also, some supplements and foods contain minute traces of things and don’t actually list them. One ped GI we saw said I needed to confirm with the manufacturer before eating anything. I finally told myself that I couldn’t keep dropping food groups and we made the switch to Nutramigen. I was devastated and felt like I had “given up”. My husband was not as supportive as he should have been during this stage because he had also sort of bought into the whole “breast is best” message. We went through five lactation consultants and three ped GI docs.
All that is to say, switching to formula was the best thing that ever happened to me and I felt better connected to my baby because I wasn’t constantly stressed about her eating and my diet. I was a better mom once we switched to formula. If it helps, I want you to know that I see you and it is ok to switch. You do not have to exhaust every single possible food allergy in the known universe before switching. It took an adjustment for her, but after a week, she loved the Nutramigen and her growth really picked up. It does not mean your child will have these allergies forever. My kiddo eats everything now with no issues. I’m sending you strength and positive thoughts!
Knope says
See a pediatric allergist. My ped was woefully uninformed about allergy issues when my infant had severe eczema. The research in pediatric allergies is constantly being updated, and non-specialists don’t tend to stay up to date.
Anonymous says
Formula. Give her formula. She is pooping blood, breast milk is not working!!
Ethel says
No advice but we are going through something similar with my son right now and it is utterly miserable. He is cranky and I am starving. Commiserations.
Ethel Benjamin says
No advice but we are going through something similar with my son right now and it is utterly miserable. He is cranky and I am starving. Commiserations.
overreacting to husband? says
I haven’t been too happy in my job lately – my boss and coworkers are kind, but it’s not at all what i want to do, and worse, I’m not that good at it. I’m interviewing with another company, and I IM’d my husband this morning saying “I wish I could stop checking my email to see if they wrote!” He responded, “patience.” So then I told him “I’m going to forward an email from (my boss) being super cool, as always, about me having to take time off tomorrow, so you’ll help me remember it’s not so bad here and I should be grateful.” His response, after looking at it: “Lol, your standards are low.” That was annoying enough, and I said “not nice.” He said, “sorry, but anyone would write that. you can get that pretty much anywhere. you’re not a customer service rep. im not trying to be mean!”
It just ticked me off. I hate his negativity and I just thought it was a really rude and disrespectful response, and one designed to make me feel idiotic for being appreciative. Am I overreacting?
Anonymous says
I think so, yeah. Especially because this all happened over IM and tone is so hard to read online.
OP says
Thanks for your response – to make sure, you’re saying I’m overreacting?
Anonymous says
Yes, I meant I think you’re overreacting. I’m not blaming you, and I’ve been annoyed at my husband in similar circumstances but objectively I don’t think he did anything that bad and had good intentions.
Anonymous says
I don’t think he’s trying to make you feel idiotic, I think he’s trying to make you remember that you deserve better.
OP says
These are so helpful. And I’m glad I asked you guys first, because I was ready to lose it with him.
anon says
+1
Anonymous says
His response wasn’t what you needed to hear but I would take him at face value that he wasn’t trying to be mean.
anon says
Yeah, the fact that he is even replying this quickly means he’s giving you attention during his workday and not dismissing your concerns! Or at least, I’d be excited.
anon says
I don’t even understand what you are upset about.
OP says
Wow, I’m shocked by all the responses here (in a good way.) Thank you very much, ladies, for giving me some clearly much needed perspective! I genuinely thought he was minimizing my attempts to see the good in a not great situation, and was hurt and angry. Seeing your replies, I recognize that it was a big overreaction, and an incorrect one, regardless of degree.
Thank you again.
Anonymous says
Yes you’re majorly overreacting. Even the first IM was a lot. He’s at work. You are at work. Do your work. He is their to be your partner not a parrot spouting platitudes because you’re anxious.
Anon says
Can anyone recommend a wireless nursing bra that’s structured enough to wear to work? I feel like this should not be as hard as it is.
Anonymous says
Panache has great ones. Like I had them converted to normal bras when I was done nursing great.
Anon says
I wore the Cake Lingerie Cotton Candy Bra until I weaned at 15 months. Paired with mostly flowy tops, it was fine. If I had to wear anything fitted I sucked it up and wore one of my terrible underwire nursing bras – even though I got fitted at an excellent shop, fit isn’t great while nursing and there are limited options once you’re in the I-J range.
Anonymous says
I’ve said this on here before but I loved the Momzelle bras. I am a smaller cup size so YMMV but they were great for me and accommodated some pretty substantial size variation throughout the day.
Leatty says
Why not wear a regular bra to work? I never did find a good nursing bra (36I while nursing), so I just wore a regular bra to work. When I pumped, I just took my bra off.
HSAL says
Yeah, same general size (huge) and although I have two “okay” wired nursing bras, I usually wear regular ones to work.
Anon says
My LOs daycare is in the building and I occasionally feed him over lunch. I also usually breastfeed him right before going to work when I’m already dressed. So a nursing bra is just easier for me.
Anonymous says
This one is great, fits my F cup: https://www.amazon.com/Ultra-Soft-Maternity-Nursing-Bra/dp/B00EJK5OCG/
Katarina says
I never found a reasonable wireless one (but I tend to prefer an underwire bra), but I liked the Anita nursing bras the best. I would find it annoying to have to remove a regular bra to pump, and then I would need to take my shirt all the way off, not just lift it up, and as long as I needed a new (bigger) bra, I figured I may as well use a nursing one. I think Anita makes wireless ones, but I personally need an underwire bra for work.
Anon says
I had good wireless nursing bras from Nordstrom. Brand was Hotmilk, but I forget the style name.
Anon says
I know people have asked questions about potentially becoming a SAHM before, but I’m really agonizing over the decision and could use some advice/input if anyone has any.
Things in favor of staying home:
-I love being home with my kids and believe I would genuinely love being a SAHM. Going back to work after long weekends or vacations is absolutely awful in a way I never would have anticipated before I had kids.
-I live in a “childcare desert” – childcare here is very expensive relative to salaries/housing costs, and after almost two years of looking, we have not found a childcare arrangement I’m enthusiastic about. We currently have a nanny who is ok but not great, and she’s the best one we’ve had. We’re not comfortable with her driving our kids, so they’re missing out on a lot of fun stuff they could be doing if I were home.
-DH’s salary can support us comfortably and our standard of living won’t have to change much
-This is incredibly privileged, I know, but I have rich parents who would help me get back on my feet in the event of divorce, disability of my husband or other worst case scenarios.
Things against:
-I started saving for retirement really late and am just starting to accumulate significant assets in my own retirement account and it will be hard to give up on saving a lot in my own name each month. Also, my employer match kicks in (after a 3 year waiting period!!) in a couple months and it kills me to walk away right as that is kicking in.
-I generally like my job (although I’m not as invested in it or good at it as I was before kids) and I like having an identity beyond mom and wife
-I can’t imagine being out of the workforce forever and am scared that I will have a difficult time eventually re-entering it. I’ve also heard (here and other places) that being a working mom can be even harder with elementary school age kids, so I’m not sure when it would even make sense for me to go back.
I just feel like normally I have a gut feeling one way or the other and I just have to listen to it, but this time I don’t. My gut says I want to be a SAHM but my gut also says that this is such a permanent decision and I may regret it pretty much instantly and then not be able to undo it. I know this community is mostly working moms but I know some of you have stayed home temporarily before or at least considered it, and I would appreciate any advice.
Anonymous says
Do you have any ability to work part time? That seems like a better option. Keep your foot in the working world without committing to a ‘big’ job. I mean quite part time like may require a job change and looking for something like 20 hours a week max. This may also help your childcare desert situation as you may be able to use an aupair or do part-time preschool depending on how part-time your hours are.
Availability/suitability of those jobs will vary based on your industry/area. E.g. in my small city there’s a solo practice that does just wills and is only open T/W/TH, 10-3 and meets clients at their place of business or in a co-working space. My firm refers to her over doing wills in house because we don’t have a practice in that area and we don’t want to refer to a larger firm that may try to poach other business from those clients. No clue how much she makes but she would definitely have a foot in the door if she wanted to work full time over someone who had been a SAHM for 5-10 years.
OP says
Thanks for the thoughts. My mom is also really pushing me to go part-time. The thing is that it would be a huge paycut and I don’t think would translate to a savings in childcare, at least until my kids are quite a bit older, so financially it would be kind of hard in the short term. I don’t think either of us is comfortable with an au pair, and daycares/nannies here generally require you pay for 40 hours of care, even if you don’t use it. There are some part time preschools, but I think quality really varies and most don’t take kids until 3 or 3.5. The reality is I already work only about 35-40 hours a week and have flex to do quite a bit of that from home on my own schedule (I definitely don’t have a Big Job or anything close to it), so I’m not sure part time really makes sense for me.
shortperson says
what do you do? what are the reentry options if you want to come back full/part time in a few years?
OP says
I work in kind of a niche field so am hesitant to post exactly what I do. I don’t really know anything about reentry options, which is part of the problem. I guess in general I assume people have a hard time finding a professional job after a long absence? But it’s not something like law where there are professional licenses and a very clearly defined “move up or move out” track.
AnotherAnon says
Just wanted to chime in to say I feel you so hard – right down to not having a gut feeling when I think I should, or at least normally do about this sort of thing. I have a decent work situation, been saving for retirement since 21, and my son has an amazing school to attend, but I still struggle with everything you stated. DH is (gently) pushing for me to go PT, but IMHO I would be even more stressed having to deal with PT child care, especially when our son gets to be school aged, or if we have more kids. To be perfectly honest I think what’s keeping me from becoming a SAHM rn is fear of loneliness and the thought that my son would be bored at home with me all day (we can’t really justify sending him to school if I don’t work, although that would be amazing). DH keeps telling me this isn’t a permanent decision, but I think your fears are valid. I’m sure I am also biased because most of my friends are working moms. We all seem to permanently be in the “am I making the right decision” camp; maybe most SAHMs are too?
Anonymous says
Coming from a stay at home mom…I was afraid I’d be lonely too but you don’t have to be!! I joined a moms group and we have a weekly play date plus plenty of activities. We go to the library 1-2 times a week for storytime and other activities. We go to nature centers in our counties. And DD is starting at a Co-op preschool 2 days a week next year. Co-ops are seriously affordable even for families on one income. Yes she’d be bored if we were literally at home all day, but we hardly ever are (unless she’s sick or something. In the summer we went to the playground and pool, and you end up meeting and running into and making friends with other SAHMs.this is all coming from someone who did like zero activities with her baby on the weekends while working. It was just errands, playtime at home, and stroller walks.
I only think it’s awful if you don’t have the motivation to get out of the house every morning.
Anonymous says
So I became a SAHM and I’ve posted that generally…I love it and it’s been a very good decision for our family. And while we CAN afford it, our budget is tight. I do like all free activities with my DD (we are in a suburb of DC so there’s tons). I did it for the pros you mentioned plus my DH works a ton, so really we just needed someone at home. And we weren’t wealthy enough to outsource everything. I do feel like my identity is SO “mom” nowadays, but I know that it’s just a phase of life.
I worried about the career implications as well (and we had the same issue with part-time not covering childcare). But frankly now I have a much more relaxed attitude and realize I’ll figure things out. Yes I may go back for less pay but I’m not that worried about it. I Actually am planning on part time once my kids are in elementary school (possible in my line of work) so that I can do the after school activity shuffle or just let them chill out after school.
Anonymous says
Don’t do it. I see the men at work with stay at home wives. They get bored real quick.
anon says
Contrary to what the troll above says, I think you should absolutely do it. I was so so in your shoes, I never liked working once I came back from maternity leave and all I wanted was to be with my kid. I would urge you like others to consider PT, but completely understand if it doesn’t make sense childcare wise. I made a LOT of money working 40 hours a week and gave it up to work about 20-25 and it was the best decision of my life. I LOVE it. My baby is almost 2 though and the older she gets, the more exhausted I feel at the prospect of caring for her all day, a bit different than when she was a baby, so I feel a lot better about working because I think it makes me a better mom for the 6-7 hours that I am home with her daily.
I think you’ll regret not spending more time with your kids more than you will stepping out of the workforce. I know there’s tons of people who would say otherwise, but I just firmly believe that unless your career is the most satisfying thing or is helping you have extremely satisfying things, spending time with your family and building that relationship with your kids is such a worthwhile thing to take a leap to.
Let us know if you do take the leap!
CR says
I highly recommend giving part-time a shot before trying to be a SAHM. I’ve worked part-time since I went back to work after my kid was born. I’ve done a variety of hours, and all were good, but 24 hours/week was the sweet spot for me. Also, I was insanely productive at work and felt like my employer was getting a great deal. They are supportive of part-time workers and I hope you have the same luck!
Anonymous says
Does anyone have any experience with switching firms in Biglaw during the first trimester? My husband and I would like to relocate from our current area in the PNW to the South to be closer to family. Has anyone been able to negotiate maternity leave before the 1 year mark at the offer stage? Have you had any issues building your reputation in the new firm if you went on maternity leave so early within joining the firm? I’m wondering if we just wait to move until our LO is 1…
Anonymous says
I’m a midlevel transactional associate if that matters.
anon says
I switched to my current firm and was pregnant within a few months of starting (also midlevel transactional). Had my baby after being there for about 11 months. I was able to negotiate a pretty good leave but I definitely put in the extra face time prior to leaving by attending most social events and made sure I made an impression with my work before I left even though it was tiring to do while being pregnant. My coworkers were excited for me to come back and it hasn’t really been a big issue. I also would say that the first year is really hard with a new baby (I’m still in it) and having our family nearby made a huge difference for me so that is something to consider too. It is a risk based on how easy or hard your pregnancy is too.