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When my son started self-feeding solid foods, I noticed that plastic forks weren’t doing a great job. A novice with a fork, my son wasn’t stabbing the food with the tines with enough strength to pierce the food and then make it all the way to his mouth. He would then get frustrated and either stop eating or just use his hands. On a whim, I picked these up at the grocery store, and he still uses them to this day. They’ve done several trips around the sun and through the dishwasher and they still look good. They are $13.95 for a pack of 6 at Amazon. Kiddy Cutlery Forks
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Anon says
These forks rock.
ElisaR says
agree
Anonymous says
We have some similar ones that i still give my 7 year old in his lunch so as not to loose our regular forks.
Beth @ Parent Lightly says
I was just going to say the same! I bought similar utensils (plus some plastic Ikea utensils) when my kids were little. Now I send them with school lunch and I don’t care if they come back (although 75% of the time they do).
Anon says
Agreed.
AwayEmily says
We have these and also the Ikea kids ones. I like the ikea ones slightly better because they are a bit pointier.
grandparents says
As my toddler gets older and more toddler-like, I am struggling with how to handle her with grandparents around. We are very fortunate that we have a set of very doting, involved grandparents. However, it is difficult for me (or my spouse) to interact in our preferred way with our child with the grandparents around — they are always chiming in with behavior things that we don’t use & in some cases don’t agree with (e.g., I ask my child to do sit at the table to eat, grandparents chime in with something like “listen to mommy” or “be a good girl” and also will follow up to pursue it much more than we do — we try to avoid turning something into a “because I said so” power struggle — like I cannot just have a talk with my child). They are also super sensitive to criticism/gentle correction. I have some concerns as toddler behavior blossoms that anger management issues are going to come up as well based on my childhood, and I feel more comfortable addressing that…any tactful way to handle this softer undermining stuff?
ElisaR says
some of the most stressful times i have with my kids is when I parent in front of my MIL. I totally get what you’re saying about the power struggle. I will say, how much are they really around? is it weekends? Then I think your parenting 5/7 days of the week will smooth over the issues caused when they are there. I have made a few comments to my MIL but it turns out into a discussion about why I do something a certain way and if its ideal. I’ve decided its ideal for me! No need to discuss further! So I can totally sympathize with your predicament.
grandparents says
Thanks for the sympathy but sorry you can identify. They tend to come visit for about a week at a time, but they don’t stay with us. She is in full-time care, so they will pick her up early and maybe 1 day if we pull her out of care at their request or a weekend dinner/afternoon — and then we have dinners together sometimes. At this point, we are not going to try to police how they handle her when they are spending time with her without us on the smooth over the issues theory (short of temper-related things that I want to protect her from), but it’s just so draining to spend time all together. I want them to totally defer to me or my spouse when we’re there, not do what they think they should do or “help.”
Anonymous says
Mmmm. Well I think in that case you can shut things down with a quick “she’s fine” or “I got this”. Or your husband can have a really awkward conversation with them about it, but I’d be prepared for some hurt feelings.
grandparents says
Hah, awkward convo is on me (my parents). I think those phrases to use in the moment are the first thing to try to ramp up. As an example of their sensitivity, we asked when our child was first born that if they intended to spend a lot of time with her one-on-one, they do a little infant first aid/CPR refresher — they accused us of holding them to a higher standard than our nanny (umm, no, infant CPR was in our nanny agreement?).
Anonymous says
FWIW, unless you were planning to have your parents nanny your children, I’m 100% on team your parents. Having them take a CPR course for an occasional babysitting seems like a lot. Saying, “hey, here’s a course if you are interested” is where I left it with my mom. She didn’t. I still let her hang out with my kids.
grandparents says
We did not tell them they had to do a formal certification or a particular course. However, I don’t see a problem with asking them to brush up on infant CPR/choking stuff if they were going to want to take our baby out of care whenever they wanted for one-on-one time, which we were happy to have them do. But I am perpetually astounded by the number of people who think that nothing bad could ever happen to them and the number of parents I see who are scared to give their 1-yo a cheerio yet don’t see learning CPR/choking as a worthwhile use of their time. Shrug.
Anonymous says
You can’t brush up on infant CPR. Either you full on learn it or you don’t, and I think you’re out of line.
Anon says
My kiddo goes to daycare with teachers who know CPR but we didn’t expect our parents to learn it for occasional babysitting. Grandparents regularly pull DD out of daycare early and have watched her a few times so we could go away for the weekend. When she as younger we did remind them about things like cutting grapes in quarters, but asking them to take a fill CPR course seems excessive to me too.
grandparents says
Again, didn’t ask for a full course or demand cert status or anything like that. Just something to get familiar with what you do when an infant is choking or having breathing issues. There are lots of ways that these skills are taught to people short of certification. I get that y’all don’t agree, but I think you’re kind of in strawman territory.
Anonymous says
I think it’s a balance between “choose your battles” and also how much time they spend with your child. How often are they with your child? Are they providing (free) childcare? – in which case you can set some ground rules but really can’t micromanage. We tend to speak up about things that matter and let everything else slide since grandparents aren’t local. But when you do speak up do it confidently and don’t apologize!! It’s your child and your first responsibility is keeping them safe and raising them how you see fit. I mean don’t be rude of course and you don’t even have to “be emotional”. Just say confidently “this is what works for us as a family” or “we try not to phrase things that way.” This works if you don’t nitpick and it really comes up only a few times do they know it’s important. What we focus on is healthy eating (my MIL/FIL try to force overeating/finishing plate) and consent of touching (if child doesn’t want a hug respect that). My grandparents were local and provided FT childcare so I don’t think my mom argued with much. Again the only thing she spoke up about was “don’t make her finish her plate” which was hard for my depression-era grandparents, but I developed good eating habits.
Anonymous says
Healthy eating (within reason – kids get more treats at Grandma’s and less treats at home) plus consent to touching are the only two points that we stuck hard on. I’d rather they say ‘choose good behavior’ instead of ‘be a good girl’ but they’re not points I think are worth battling about.
If your kid is in FT daycare at a centre and they see her only sporadically, these thing don’t matter as much compared to if they provided childcare FT.
Em says
+1 to all of this. My in-laws do a ton of things that make me insane but I only speak up if it’s a safety thing or a major value – the two you mentioned (not forcing him to finish his plate and consent) are the ones that came to my mind. I will occasionally gently correct over-the-top gendered comments as well (like making fun of my son for wanting dolls/jewelry/etc. because they are only for girls). My in-laws wanted to pick my son up from daycare everyday, so we did eventually have to have a discussion with them about how they couldn’t give him endless garbage to eat if they wanted to be regular caregivers, as opposed to if it was a once a week “fun grandparent” thing.
grandparents says
Fortunately we are more or less compatible on food stuff. They do give her a large snack when they pick her up from daycare which results in her not eating much for dinner, but I’m ok w/it because they snack is generally not junk. Then if we all sit down for dinner and she doesn’t want to sit and eat, I ask them what they gave her and point out that she’s probably full and we’re ok with her not sitting at the table if she’s not hungry (just not a battle we pick right now with either her or them). Agree the consent piece is quite important and a little trickier for us but making progress.
I think my issue now is that it’s exhausting and unenjoyable to spend time all together because we’re constantly being undermined.
Anonymous says
After you let her get up to play, trying engaging them in adult related conversation so they see the benefit of her playing while you dine and chat. Ask them about their hobbies etc. My parents actually love it when the kids go play now because they enjoy having our uninterrupted attention.
grandparents says
Redirect and distract can work with both? I like it :)
Anonymous says
How often is this? Do they see your kid weekly? I would say, generally, that if you have the first grandkid and if they are around frequently, you may want to do some proactive management. The one things I held fast to was “good job” vs “good girl” and “you look so fancy!” vs “you look so beautiful” (“with that makeup/dress on”).
Beyond that, I left the things my parents and my inlaws do happen. My ILs only see the kids every few months. My mom is the one that sees them the most but even then, I just let it go.
If your parents/ILs were providing significant childcare, I would feel differently.
Anonymous says
Let it go. They’re fine. Truly not a problem.
Anon says
I agree. Pick your battles. These things seem minor and you are probably overthinking it. I understand the annoyance factor but focus on the big picture.
SC says
I agree with the sentiment to pick your battles. We have 3 sets of grandparents, plus lots of aunts, uncles and close friends we see regularly. I’ve adopted a mentality of “it takes a village.” But you can’t control everything the other members of your village do. I believe that it’s good for kids to learn that different adults will interact with them differently, and that there are different rules in different places or with different caregivers. I’ve even learned a few things over the years.
There are, of course, things I feel strongly about–safety, kindness and a reasonable degree of fairness, control over physical contact or affection, control over food. In general, our family’s values are the same, but there are enough differences of opinion just in those categories that there are plenty of battles. (My in-laws of course want their grandchildren to be safe, but they have 6 grandchildren under 5 and STILL have an un-fenced pool and leave a large doggy door open to the pool area.)
AwayEmily says
Yeah, plus one to “let it go” and save your battles for what really matters. I am sure that rules/approaches are different at school, too. Kids get that. And once the kid is 3 or so, you can start explicitly talking about how different families do things differently, etc.
anon says
I groaned while I read the OP’s post because we went through this – hard! It came to a head while on vacation with grandparents and my three year old kicked me during a long tantrum. I tried to get him to calm down but he knew that he could just run to grandma. Grandma tried to help in her way by suggesting she take kid to the pool (!). I dug in and said no, kid needs to come to me to apologize and so that I can talk to him about his behavior. Kid figured out right away that he had an ally and wouldn’t come to me, so grandma suggested that he hop skip and jump to me and apologize by saying the words backwards. wtf. I let it go in the moment, but we all had a talk later that day to explain that grandma’s “help” was undermining my efforts and that when these moments arise, I or husband are in charge. There were tears and it took time, but the situation has improved, mostly bc kid doesn’t throw many tantrums anymore. Worst vacation ever.
grandparents says
OMG. The advice about global differences over things like food are definitely helpful, but this in-the-moment undermining and “help” is exactly what I’m talking about.
ElisaR says
oh man, that sounds terrible.
Katy says
I am glad things have gotten better. I feel very seen by this comment!
SC says
Ok, wow. This is beyond the level of small stuff that I would let go and seems much more egregious than OP’s original examples. I would definitely talk about that later.
Emily S. says
We have a 4.5 and 2.5 year old and grandparents that watch either one or both them 2 days a week. We’ve eased up on family socializing because (1) selfishly, I don’t want to share my kids so much outside my working hours, and (2) the undermining was getting to me. So my solutions were to ease up on the time we all spent together, reinforce what our values were at home/when it was just parents and kids (which gets easier as they get older because of longer attention spans for conversation, memory, etc.), and get out in front of the problems. Example: consent is big in our house. Grandma and Grandpa always want a hug. I started saying, “Gramps and Gran are leaving! Do you want to say goodbye with a hug or a wave?” before Gramps and Gran could say, “Give me a hug!” Then, when DD didn’t want to hug, I said cheerfully, “OK!” and hugged DD to me so Grands couldn’t get to her. After a few awkward exchanges, they got the message. On our annual joint vacation, I am vigilant about being the first to say something and to gently correct, like, “Honey, I know Grandma said you need to eat your dinner. Are you done? Cool, you can go play.” By now, my oldest knows to look to me and her dad if she feels the message is conflicting and that our word is the final say. I really wanted to have A TALK with them, but didn’t want hurt feelings so I chose to lead by example and relax a bit. It wasn’t easy, but I got there. And so did they, watching how we parent.
On the CPR issue, if it is the hill you want to do on, it is your child and you have every right to insist on it. But that doesn’t mean they are going to see it your way.
anon says
I’m anon 12:37 – There were lots of comments like “He’s not like this when its just the two of us.” In our big talk I had to explain to grandma that its this dynamic of having multiple adults, but one of which who is not on the adult team – that is the perception from the child’s point of view. So, its really confusing and that leads to the tantrums.
Oh man, it was an ugly time. Hugs and luck to you!
grandparents says
Thanks, this is the path we have started to go down in some respects and I like the example of you being the one to ask how your child wants to say goodbye, going to try to implement that as grandpa totally gets that kiddo doesn’t have to give a goodbye kiss but wants a hug to be their thing. And glad to know how things are working out as your kids get older.
And the CPR was just an example from the past, not an active issue for us — they did not say they were opposed to doing it and did it in their own over-the-top way eventually, they just accused us of asking something of them that we didn’t ask of our full-time paid caregiver (and they were wrong). Safety stuff is non-negotiable for us, but I also realize that anxiety levels may put more things in that bucket (e.g., even though they don’t drive kiddo that much, it’s important to us that they know how to properly install/work carseat, which I would guess most parents want all caregivers driving their kid to know, but we also correct them on not putting her in in a jacket). I just feel like the CPR/choking training gives some peace of mind for people who are going to be feeding young toddlers on their own a decent amount, I didn’t want to hesitate at having grandparents get that solo time with kiddo when a book, online video, etc. could easily give them a tool to add a layer of safety in that situation.
Anon says
At what age do mornings with kids become a bit less hectic/the kids become a bit more self sufficient? Right now we have a nanny who we love for our 18 month old twins but I’m thinking a few years ahead to when we might switch to preschool/daycare and I’d be doing most mornings solo. On a similar note- around what age do they become more self sufficient at bedtime?
Anonymous says
Do you mean like reliably get themselves dressed on time and get themselves breakfast with minimal supervision? That’s like age 8.
Oldest is 8 and youngest is 5. At age 5, I’m still helping with getting dressed in winter appropriate clothes and helping get food ready at breakfast and make lunches and watching the clock to ensure we’re not running behind. Eight year old makes her own lunch and picks out her own clothes most days.
Anon says
It depends on your kid but I’d say 6-ish. Most preschoolers, even if they’re capable of doing the morning tasks, aren’t going to do them in what you consider a timely manner. In some ways I think mornings are harder with 3-4 year olds than 1-2 year olds – they’re much more independent but way more interested in dawdling. At least, mine were.
Anonymous says
Agree that 3-4 is harder than 1-2. At 3-4 they will argue with you or ask 19 million questions. This morning was a discussion on what lobsters eat and how high balloons can fly. And 3-4 year olds tend to be more particular about what clothes they wear so that can be a sticking point too. I miss being able to just put whatever cute outfit I picked out on them without protest.
Anonymous says
I have an extremely self sufficient and also stubborn almost 4 y/o. I just let her pick her own outfit. 9/10 times it’s a good one and that 1/10 times IDGAF. As long as it covers all the correct body parts I let her roll out the door in whatever she chooses. She knows the rules for preschool (not too much jewelry, no dresses if you want to play in the snow/wear snow gear, no dress up clothes, no pajamas) and follows them.
Sometimes it helps to pick things out the night before. Sometimes she changes her mind when she wakes up.
Anon says
Mine hit the “caring about her outfits” stage before 18 months! But agree that they only get more opinionated as they get older.
AwayEmily says
Kids are so weird…my 2year old has VERY STRONG preferences about his outfits and my 4yo could not care less about what she wears. We raised them exactly the same! I don’t get it!
Pogo says
1-2-3 Magic has a great chart on this to show how long you can expect a kid to do an independent task at each age. I think it starts at age 5 with 10 min, age 6 = 20 min, age 7 = 30 min, and age 8 = 40. So per the above comment, it isn’t until age 8 you can reasonably expect your child to get up, get dressed, eat breakfast, make their lunch, brush teeth, etc without frequent intervention. This was also helpful for me to realize before age 5 you cannot expect any autonomy at all (or like, 1 min max). That doesn’t mean they can’t do some things – like pick out clothes, or put them on, but you have to prompt at literally every step. Reframing it as, “this is the max his brain can handle right now” as opposed to “my child is defying me by wandering around singing instead of putting socks on” has been helpful.
Katy says
Your last sentence made me LOL. Every damn morning.
Beth @ Parent Lightly says
I would say just in the last year or so my kids (now 5 and almost 8) have gotten more self sufficient. In the morning, they get dressed, put shoes on, and brush teeth. They help pack lunch/snacks and 8 year old can do her hair. At night they are pretty much self sufficient except 5 year old still needs help washing her hair.
anon says
My twins went to a gymnastics birthday party when they were 4 and I realized I was the only jerk putting my kids’ shoes on for them, while all the other kids ran over and got their own. Oops. We focused more on their taking care of their own business after that, but it is not easy, especially with 2 of them going in different directions. It is way faster when I do it all for them.
Anonymous says
Hang in there fellow twin mom. Sometimes things with twins are just different. If you’re waiting for one 4 year old to put their shoes on, that’s just inherently less time than waiting for two kids.
GCA says
I’ve discovered that daycare in and of itself seems to help my kids become more independent and self-sufficient, and you may also find that this is true when your kids start daycare. Obviously I don’t have a good control scenario as they’ve gone to daycare since 4 months, but they surprised me by doing things like brushing (‘brushing’) their own teeth, rolling their sleeves up to wash their hands, and putting on their own shoes earlier than I expected. 4.5yo gets himself dressed if I pull clothes out for him, changes into PJs himself at night, and brushes his own teeth. It does take f o r e v e r, but I like Pogo’s framing of ‘this is what their brain can handle’!
CCLA says
Yeah, mine are 15 months and 3.5, both in full time daycare, which I credit for a lot of the independence the older one has. I solo parent 90% of weekday mornings b/c DH goes to work super early. 3.5-yo does most things on her own and is decently efficient. Bribes work well – she has started to understand the concept of “not enough time” and knows that if she finishes getting ready quickly there is “time” to do a puzzle. Also enjoys racing to see who can brush teeth first/get shoes on first/etc. All that to say, you may find that you have it easier by age 3 or so depending on the kid(s). I sense a harder period coming as the younger one ages into that 1.5-3yo phase of wanting more independence without having the skills yet, but enjoying this sweet spot for now.
Anonymous says
Mine are 6, nearly 4 and 1.5. My 6 and 4 y/o are extremely self sufficient with gentle reminders. They have been all year. We lay out clothes the night before and they get up, get dressed, and play. They can get breakfast if need be but usually I serve it to them. I tell them to brush teeth/hair which they do, then I style the hair as needed.
They keep my 1.5 y/o entertained and sometimes get her dressed for me (usually not). I can take a shower and get ready with all 3 of them awake and in the playroom hanging out. If something goes wrong, one of the older ones will come and get me.
My almost 4 y/o was getting up, going potty, and getting herself dressed for the day at like, birth. I want to say by 3 she was doing all of this. She can also get her boots, ski jacket on and zipped and hat and mittens all the way on. I’m pretty convinced she could drive herself to school if needed. I once found her IN the upper cabinet, having pulled a chair over, climbed up the counter then monkey-climbed the shelf to get to the snack she was hungry for. Of course, she had a plate ready for it.
My oldest and youngest are/were not that self sufficient that early :)
anon says
Hahaha, chiming in to say I envy you and I also really appreciate this description of your unicorn child. Made me laugh this morning. And sigh! Signed, mother of a 1 year old, 3 year old and 5 year old who is not so self-sufficient!
So Anon says
Mine are 6 and 9 and are pretty independent in the morning. I found a visual chart and basic routines really helped each child. So my oldest has a chart that shows what time he is allowed to get up, then he must get dressed and brush teeth before going downstairs. He can play downstairs for 30 minutes before he needs to get breakfast. Then at 7:55 it is time to put gear on for the bus stop. My daughter seems to get some of this intuitively, so need a bit less guidance even though she is younger, so some of it is just dependent on the child. I have my own morning routine and schedule about when I check-in with each of them. We are all out the door at 8:05.
blueridge29 says
I just started using a morning checklist with my 6 and year old. I love it and it has made mornings so much easier. Even when the kids get distracted they are much more willing to check their list and see what they are supposed to be doing. My oldest child is often lost in his own thoughts, but loves control and the chart/list really keeps him focused.
FVNC says
My kids are 6.5 and almost 3, and I do most mornings solo. When my younger one reached 2.5, I’d say mornings became easy. My six year old mostly gets herself ready, except for breakfast. (And frankly, she’d like to do breakfast but I don’t want to deal with the mess…I should probably let her so she learns…) The two year old of course needs a lot of help still, but he’s capable of amusing himself and feeding himself while I do my own thing (eat breakfast, get dressed; this morning i did a crossworld puzzle — unimaginable even six months ago!).
My six year old is pretty self-sufficient at night. She’s recently gotten super into a chapter book series, and many nights will read to herself and turn off her light when she gets tired. She still appreciates snuggles and help, but if needed, she can brush her teeth independently and put herself to bed.
anon says
Oooo… what series? I’d love for my 6 yo to get hooked.
FVNC says
It’s the Geronimo Stilton series. She cannot get enough.
Anon says
Thanks! Just ordered.
AnotherAnon says
For any SAHMs who read this board; what advice do you have or what do you wish you had known/considered when you made the transition?
Anonymous says
Me!! Hm…so a major factor in my decision was to reduce the stress in our house because work/daycare pickups/sick days were killing us. Also I wanted to stay home since my return from maternity leave but took this boards advice to wait 6 months and I still wanted to be a SAHM. Plus we wanted to have another kid and the second daycare cost in the DC area was not insignificant. And it turns out I have way more stressful moments and days then I ever did as a working mom. Hah! Jokes on me! Because I’m dealing with a 3 year old and an infant simultaneously. But, I derive so much more joy and purpose out of my “work”(and I had a good job with benefits good team etc…). Like the other day at 2pm the 3 year old was napping and I was just cuddling the baby and staring into his eyes and talking to him and I was like omg this is so much better than work I can’t believe I’d be missing this moment! We have a ton of fun despite the stressful moments. My advice if you do take the plunge is to be social AF (and I’m an introvert!). As I said I’m in the DC suburbs so there’s a ton of (free!) stuff to do and I joined a local moms group and have a weekly playgroup for the 3 year old. She’s also in PT co-operative preschool. We do something out of the house every weekday morning like a playground, library, nature center, target, going to the mall, etc…I love in the summertime that we can go to the pool on a Wednesday afternoon. I have way more friends and a much larger support system now.
anontoday says
I also took the advice and waited over 6 months, really a year of internal debate, before deciding to stay home with my 2 kids who were 3 1/2 and 1 1/2.
At the beginning keep your goals/expectations low. One activity a day is a good place to start, and make sure you schedule breaks for yourself. Most gyms will include childcare so find a few classes you like and schedule your week around these, or sneak off to the hot tub for a break. If you aren’t in a mom group join one, being home is lonely. Preschool is also a great break and if you may be able to find inexpensive partial day/week programs for your kids.
Lean into your hobbies. Do you love to read – libraries are a great place to socialize with other moms and story time. Do you like to cook, bake, basket weave…whatever just leave time for these activities. Be kind to yourself, change is hard and stepping away from a career can feel like a failure, but it doesn’t have to be. Best of luck!
anon says
I’m not a SAHM, but I went from biglaw to self-employed in something that I do part-time and has yet to earn me an income.
I feel so unmoored without a traditional job, but all the logistics involved in going back to a traditional job now seem insurmountable. My peers are slowly leading more and I know a lot about my kid’s school. I don’t know what I want to do and, unlike a kid in my 20s, don’t have a life setup that allows me to explore because I need to make daycare pickup and handle sick days and school closures. I fear that I’m wasting so much potential and teaching my kids to be cool with outdated gender roles.
Allie says
Are you me? But seriously, I recently went to part time (not from biglaw) and while I love the extra time with the kids, am struggling with the impact to my career more than I thought I would. I’ve been debating a career change but like you, don’t have the time/mental space to explore, and that has been just as hard. I worry that I made this choice that benefits the kids, my husband, the grandparents (who are providing child care while I work), but actually disadvantages me.
Anon says
Get your budget down and practice living on one salary. Also identify something that makes you feel like “you” and be sure to prioritize it (for me right now it’s reading books, and I spend part of every nap time reading). There are struggles and boredom and lots of frustrations having to be with children and actively parent all day, so figure out what self-care boundaries you need and talk to your partner about that frequently. I am
100% happy with my decision (five years in, two kids and hopefully more to come) and we for sure live a more peaceful, slower life.
Anonymous says
I am not a FT SAHM, but maybe that’s my advice to you. I got laid off when pregnant with my second and ended up getting into some independent consulting, part time. It was the best of all worlds. I worked 0-20 hours/week, about 600-800 hours/year. I grossed about 3/4 of what I was making at a full time salary and while there is absolutely money lost to taxes and lost benefits, I still netted about 50-60% of what I was making working FT 60+ hours/week.
In the meantime, I’ve had 2 children. My kids are 2/4/6 now, and I’m seeing other families make changes in their work arrangements. For families I’ve met that had a SAHP, many are looking to go back to work part or full time now that kids are preschool and older. For families I’ve met that have been dual FT working parents, they are looking for more flexibility now that they have kids in elementary (or a kid in elementary, one in preschool and one in daycare). they are realizing that aftercare + camps is not all that different than daycare. There’s no right way, but it’s a point where people are making changes. Practically speaking, you’re going to need something to do all day once the kids are slightly older. Newborns/infants keep you busy but once they are toddlers/preschoolers, you’ll have down time!
Regarding stepping out of the workforce, I’d really really advise you to network and keep an open mind about taking paid work. That doesn’t mean hunting for some unicorn part time job that doesn’t exist. It just means chatting with other parents as you are home and continuing to network/build connections for the future. If you find yourself with kids in preschool and free time, maybe pick up a freelance project or two. I’m going to give a laundry list of examples from my own life just to inspire you or others.
– Mom of two kids 18 months apart. Was a VP sales exec type person at a big company. Had her first kid at 36 and quit to be a SAHM. Was eyeballs deep in SAHM stuff until her kids were 3 and 5, at which point she started getting really back into working out. Turns out she loved her gym, so decided to get certified and is now a trainer at the gym. She works very part time (about 10 hours/week) and makes $30k/year teaching classes and doing training. She’s also an extremely active board member/ fund raiser for a local charity. She got connected to it when she ran a marathon with their team.
– Former landscape architect opened her own practice. works about 15 hours a week (one project at a time) while raising 3 kids who are now 4,6 and 10.
– Former marketing exec stepped out of her FT role when she had her first, but kept a part time gig as a recruiter for her old company. She had 2 more kids and got really into home decorating/design. She now has an instagram account with 200k followers (I only recently discovered this- she’s the mom of my son’s best friend and I’ve known her for 5 years!).
– Former SVP sales level person took a much lower paying/lower titled job as an account manager so he could be home more. His wife works FT but he works from home and does all the pickups/dropoffs/school volunteering stuff. He also has a side gig at a gym ( I think he’s a trainer, but might be a coach of some kind).
– Former corporate mom ended up buying some properties with her husband. He is working FT butt-in-seat while she does kid stuff and manages the properties. It’s a good 15-25 hours of her week but much more flexible and can often be done when the kids are around. for example, she’ll bring her 6 year old and 8 year old over to a property to work on it or to wait for a repair being done. They just hang out and play.
– Former biglaw real estate atty joined a local practice. She’s home a ton. I’m sure she took a monster pay cut but she says she works “full time hours” and is super super present. I assume a lot of this is weekend/evening time.
– former head of marketing for a big name company stayed on doing contract work ~15 hours/week. She went fully SAH for 2 years but got bored and called up her old boss who happily created a spot for her.
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anon says
Thank you very much for sharing these. I love seeing this, I’m not the OP but so helpful to understand how other people have made it work and what type of backgrounds they had and roles they created for themselves. So, so appreciated.
farrleybear says
Thank you for these!! So helpful to see some real-life examples.
Audrey III says
Ugh, talk to me about summer camps. DS will start K next year, and we still have a full time nanny for him and DD (age 2). We cannot afford that + the $500+ per week summer camps that seem to be the norm around here (Northern VA, just outside DC), plus DS has expressed he doesn’t want to go to a full day camp, even if his school friends will be there. Anyone aware of more reasonably-priced half day options?
Anonymous says
If you have a nanny, I don’t think you need camp at that age
Anonymous says
There should be tons of half-day camps that run in one-week sessions. You could pick out two or three topics that interest him and just register for a handful of camps. Check out zoos, museums, Y specialty camps, and kid activity centers (art, music, sports).
Anonymous says
Forgot to mention county parks and rec. A lot of these camps are explicitly designed for SAHMs and are cheap and not full-day.
Nan says
Yes, I don’t see the point of doing camps if you already have a nanny. But I’m not in the NOVA/DC area; maybe this is a regional thing?
Anonymous says
Why would you do camp if you have a nanny? Maybe put him in a weekly activity during the day that he’s interested in and the nanny can bring him. Soccer? Swimming? Otherwise just let the nanny take them to the playground and splash in the backyard sprinkler all summer.
rosie says
It seems like you don’t need a camp, but if he has specific interests, you could pick a few week-long camps. We actually just got something in the mail with Y offerings in the DMV area, looks like they are well under $500/week and lots of stuff to choose from that could give him a good mix of less structured time w/nanny and a week here and there of things like dance, art, etc.
Anonymous says
Agreed at look at your local. My kid will be starting kindergarten so I was looking ahead for next year since I can use daycare still this year. I was pleasantly surprised at how easy it was to search the options the options that Fairfax county had available
anon says
We did half day camps with our 5 yo last year and will do the same this year. The cheapest camps were through Arlington county and ran about $200-$250/wk. We also did a few that were more expensive, but which taught her a skill. She loved the half day ice skating camp and finished camp able to skate independently. The Learn to Ride bike camp is also a good option for a skill building camp.
We found that there aren’t many weekly activities available, like gymnastics or ballet, because all of those places host summer camps. The camps were great because she got to socialize and get some of her energy out. Then the nanny picked her up around noon, she came home for quiet time and then they went to a playground or the pool from 3:30-5:30 PM. It’s hard if you don’t do camp at all because all of their friends are likely to be in camp so they end up spending all week with no same aged peers.
anon says
We have a nanny. Didn’t bother doing camps with my daughter until age 4. Honestly most won’t take him before 3 because of potty training anyways!
Really think you can wait two years. She got way more out of it at 4 and that was the first year I felt a lot of kids were doing things. And I have a feeling I live in an area/community very similar to yours.
anon says
Just saw kid starts K next year. Okay yeah, we did do some starting then. I found some that weren’t terribly expensive and just tried to do a couple – not have something every week. Does his new K do anything? Some around here do.
Audrey III says
Thanks for the great ideas, everyone! Looks like Arlington parks and rec posts their camps “after January 29” for others who may be following.
Anon says
No camp. He told you he doesn’t want to go. Let him stay home and relax and be bored. (I have a son the same age and that is our plan.)
Anonymous says
Someone posted on Friday asking about Slumberpod, and my reply got stuck in mod until some time on Saturday. My response from Friday is up now, but in short, we have it and like it–it not only keeps things quite dark, but also puts us (in effect) in a separate room from the baby, lessening his conviction that we should be hanging out with him rather than everyone sleeping.
Childcare Costs says
Planning to have #2 soon and trying to plan for costs. For context, we’re in suburban Boston, about 12 miles outside the city. Nice-enough community, but not Newton/Wellesley/Hingham level, in case that is helpful to know:
1. How much was daycare for a second kid? Any discount? We’re at a national franchise. I’d ask outright, and will eventually, but the director is my biggest annoyance there in general and will poke and prod inappropriately for the months to come unless I actually admit I am pregnant (especially frustrating as we’re in fertility treatments).
2. What’s the cost of a nanny for 5x/week, 8am-5pm? How far in advance did you hire your nanny? Weeks before going back to work, or longer/shorter? Any other logistical items to consider?
Many thanks!
Anon says
Daycare for the second kid usually isn’t much cheaper than for the first, especially at a national center. The most I’ve heard of is a 10% sibling discount and it’s usually applied to the older child’s tuition, so I’d just assume daycare for an infant will be similar what you paid for infant care for your first. I also think you could ask for a schedule of rates (I’m sure they have one) without anyone assuming you’re pregnant or TTC – maybe you have a friend whose interested in the center? Or you’re curious about rates for the next room your child will move into?
Anon says
Our national center didn’t offer a discount for a second kid, and infants are more expensive than 2 yos, so our daycare bill more than doubled. Doesn’t your center have a website with rates?
It was a few years ago, but we paid $22/hr for our nanny, plus 2 weeks vacation, plus employment tax and her health insurance, plus time and a half for any time beyond 40 hours, plus a bonus at Christmas and her birthday, plus workers comp insurance, plus a payroll provider. It worked out to $70-80k per year.
We are in a DC suburb.
anon says
Oh, and in our area you start looking for a nanny 1-2 months before you want them to start.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Hi, I’m in the Boston suburbs with two kids in full-time daycare so I can speak to #1. We’re west of Wellesley if that helps. We pay a bit over $40K per year, and there is a 10% sibling discount (off the older kid rate). Our center provides all the food, which is a huge plus. If you’re at Bright Horizons, I believe they provide food now too, but the lunch is an extra fee. I think nannies around here go for around $20-25/hr, so probably at least $50/55K, with overtime and taxes and all that (I haven’t done the full math as we weren’t looking at nannies).
If you want more specifics, feel free to email at my username0234 at the g mail.
Anonymous says
10% discount off the oldest child’s tuition is pretty standard. Our current daycare only does 5%, but it’s off both the younger and older kid.
Anonymous says
I’m curious where you are– we used to live in Hingham and now live in Lincoln but our kids went to daycare in Sudbury, Lincoln and Weston. We paid about the same for daycare in both towns. Nannies are actually more where we are now.
You should plan to be paying $22-30/hr for a nanny for two kids. You will see all kinds of ranges for infant care, but if you are looking at a Bright Horizons or similar chain, it’s going to be over $2k/month. More like $2500. I’ve seen 5-10% discount for two kids but it isn’t a lot.
If you get a nanny, consider that you will probably want to send your older kid to preschool as well (part time), which will cost a few thousand a year.
Also, if you are thinking at all about an au paur, check out all the legal drama happening with au pairs in massachusetts.
OP says
Thanks. We’re in Reading. This will certainly out me, but I grew up in Cohasset/Hingham so I know sometimes things can come at a premium in certain zip codes. We are in daycare now for $434/month after DH’s 10% corporate discount for our 22 month old. She’s been there since 14 weeks so we’re familiar with infant pricing, etc. We’re probably still a year away from needing care for #2 (fertility treatments + pregnancy + leave) but we’re also trying to do some cash flow management/planning given some wonky features of my job.
I suppose I also need to factor in preschool costs of some kind down the road. Infant and toddler daycare teachers are great. The preschool component of my daycare center is questionable and I have a host of issues with the center director/asst director. I’ve always said we’d be there until ‘real’ learning had to happen, but i haven’t quite defined that either. So, nanny would also come with added preschool costs if I can’t get into the free program in my town that is evidently cutthroat for space.
We have room for an au pair, but I know there is a battle at the state house so I haven’t invested much time in that for now.
Anonymous says
Wow, $500/month for daycare is incredible in MA. I would grab an infant spot NOW.
You will be paying 10x that for a nanny.
FWIW you may have a kindergartener by the time you need care for two if you aren’t pregnant yet- almost seems like borrowing trouble :-).
OP says
HA. That was very wishful thinking. WEEK. PER WEEK.
Pogo says
Ha, I posted something similar yesterday. I’m even further out than Reading but also don’t like to say where I am bc I feel like it would totally out me? But the internet is huge.
Anyway, I’m right there with you. I’m still hopeful to make some kind of pre-k (public, part-time) + PT nanny happen for the older kid to supplement our current in-home provider (who can’t do both our infant and toddler b/c FT of ratios with the other kids she watches, unless one of the other two families switches up their plans). Did you mean your current care is $434/week? $434/month would be a crazy steal! I’m hoping to keep care for both to around $40-50K, but we’ll see how it all ends up. I’m probably willing to pay more for easier logistics, I think?
The au pair thing is interesting to me. I actually wouldn’t mind paying the minimum wage I suppose, but the fact is you are also providing room and board – which any other minimum wage job would not do. A friend of mine who has an au pair is pretty upset about the whole thing, since I guess their agency told them it wasn’t likely to hold up in court and then, surprise, it did.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’ve heard good things about the Kindercare in Wakefield, if you’re looking around for other centers.
I feel like we should have a Boston momsrette meetup at some point (in all of our free time :P)
Boston Legal Eagle says
In mod for longer post but I’ve heard good things about the Kindercare in Wakefield, if you’re looking around for other centers.
Baby gift? says
May be too late in the day, but- Anyone have good baby gift ideas for the second child of a close-ish friend (used to be closer but live far away and have grown apart). It’s a boy.
Likewise, any ideas for a gift for a 2 year old who just became a sibling?
Anon says
DD has shoulder length super curly hair – think a brown-haired Annie. DH just sent me a picture of his mother brushing it out – dry, with an actual hair brush (presumably as part of a “don’t do that my wife is going to be livid campaign” – my MIL steamrolls over DH and anyone else in her way other than me – the first time I told her no I think she about fell over, and clearly he wasn’t able to stop her this time, but I digress). My poor little preschooler who looked adorable when I sent her out the door for school today now has a raging ’80s afro before they go to some princess party this afternoon. All the conditioner tonight I guess.
Meg says
Hahaha poor thing! At least this should become a classic pic to look back on. I had a school photographer spray with water and brush out my curls when I was in kindergarten. And the day before my 8th grade graduation, the stylist said, “I’ve never seen hair like this before,” put me in rollers, and gave me a horrific lampshade bob. The pictures are both horrible and hilarious. Curly hair is lots of fun but comes with a bit of hazing from the many people who don’t understand it. Hope Grams learns her lesson! Sounds like you’re already attuned to your curly girl’s needs, but look into the Curly Girl Method if you’re not yet familiar.
rosie says
I shed a little tear every time I think about how many times my curly hair was brushed dry as a child. Sorry and sending you conditioning vibes.