Kid Birthday Parties: Guest Etiquette, Gifts, & Parent Socializing
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Once your kid reaches a certain age — and especially if you’ve got more than one — you’ll find yourself taking him or her to a lot of children’s birthday parties… and as you’ll also find, that comes with a lot of funny kid birthday party guest etiquette questions and purchasing tasks. First, it means someone in your house has to remember to buy a birthday card in time for your kid to sign it (or get your kid to make one), then decide how much money to spend on a gift, and what to get (and in my case, making a last-minute trip to Target to buy it). Kids’ birthday parties also give you a chance to socialize with fellow parents, which may or may not be your idea of fun, depending on whether you get to hang out with mom friends (or other parents you like), or you don’t know anyone there (even less appealing when you’re an introverted mom) … or you just don’t like the parents.
Psst: We’ve also talked about celebrating our own kids’ birthdays as well as the best default birthday presents for kids.
The main questions that come up when your kid attends friends’ birthday parties are these three:
What do you get for a gift? For my son’s last birthday party or two, a couple of parents asked me what he might like for a gift (while they were texting me to RSVP for their kids), which also happened to Kat with her older son’s last birthday. I felt kind of awkward answering the question, and when I listed a few things he’s into, I usually added, “But anything is great!” or “He loves books too!” Still, I’ve started doing the same thing — might as well get the kids what they want, right? (I guess this won’t be necessary as my son and his friends get older — he’s 7.) Kat listed some reliable choices for children’s gifts in our post on the best default birthday presents for kids you don’t know well, and readers offered additional suggestions in the comments, including puzzles, dress-up costumes, board games, art supplies, and science kits — plus gift certificates for things like movie tickets or mini golf. A couple of readers mentioned using Fat Brain Toys’ Gift Bot for customized ideas.
How much do you spend? When my son got old enough to start being invited to friends’ parties, I was surprised that many parents seemed to be spending $25 and up — all that I had to compare to was my own childhood in the ’80s, and I’m pretty sure not many parents were spending that much back then (in this context of kids’ friends, that is). In the comments on our last birthday-related post, readers’ responses to what they spend on gifts for kids ranged from $10 to $25. One of my son’s friends once gave him a Toys “R” Us gift card for a birthday present, which of course my son liked, but that strategy doesn’t work if you don’t want the parents to know exactly how much you spent (which I have a weird thing about for some reason).
What do you do if the invite says “no gifts”? And what the heck is a fiver party? “No gifts” parties can be awkward — it can feel weird to show up to a party without bringing anything (and also, are they counting books as gifts, or just toys?), but that’s what the parents are requesting, after all. If you (and/or your kid) really want to give the child something, one option is to donate to a charity in the child’s name. Some kids explicitly ask for donations in lieu of gifts — at a nonprofit I worked at, kids frequently came in hauling lots of items from the organization’s wish list. One new trend is the “fiver party” (which doesn’t seem to have hit my area yet). Instead of being expected to buy a present, each guest is encouraged to give the birthday boy or girl a $5 bill so that the child can buy something he or she really wants, instead of a big pile of unneeded toys. Has your kid been to one of these parties, or others that focus on something other than toy gifts?
What do you typically spend on your kid’s friends’ gifts? Does your kid help you choose the gift? Has he or she ever been invited to a party that asks that guests not bring gifts, or specifically asks for books only? Have you ever heard of a fiver party, and do you think it’s a good idea? (Also: are you really into wrapping things nicely for kids’ birthday presents or do you just do the gift bag + tissue paper route?)
Usually, I invited all of my neighbors to attend my kid’s birthday party. Besides, we have one dear companion’s family and they generally need to get the young ladies something for Christmas, and it makes me feel awkward. I think I’ve settled on utilizing the hypothesis which is appealing to all.
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That 85% just struck me. Unlike yours, my kids a very materialistic. I have a 12, 4 and 1 year old, and all they want is presents ???? But seriously, what’s the point of investing over $400 into a party if it doesn’t even try to pay off? Get me right, I’m not expecting it to pay off 100%, it never does, but my kids would eat me alive if there was no presents. Aren’t birthdays celebrated to make a child happy? If a bunch of boring parents and kids that destroy your house/venue is your idea of celebrating your child, then I’m really sorry. And if you’re so into charity, why not spend that money on said charity to start with? I once asked our guests to donate to Bunny World Foundation for my daughter’s 7th birthday in lieu of presents, and we raised exactly $30, that’s with our own $$ included. Instead people felt like bringing a few useless cheap gifts. Must I say my daughter wasn’t happy about either one? Now my 4 year old son is even worse, he’s asking for prizes to go potty. Please educate me on how to raise kids so discouraged that they can’t experience the pleasure of receiving gifts ????
We do “no gifts” parties for our kids (ages 10 through 6 right now). Do they sometimes say, “I wish I was getting presents!”? Yes, but then I remind them that we have plenty of things and that they will indeed get birthday gifts from us, from their grandparents, from their aunts and uncles. This is enough gifts. They have always agreed. I don’t think you need to worry about denying your kids this experience.
We have learned that parents in our newly-adopted Midwest city are not as familiar with “no gifts” as the Boston families were. Therefore, we’ve asked people to bring a canned good or a used book or something else they have lying around that we can donate. This seems to solve the problem that parents feel awkward showing up empty handed, and it creates a nice opportunity for my child to see that they are doing good for those who are needy. We have visited the food pantry where the food ends up and this is a powerful experience for the kids.
Ooh I have a question! Our 3 yo just started getting invited to birthday parties. We have been to 3 and at each one, there have been gifts but the birthday kid didn’t open the gifts at the party. This is not what I remember from my childhood, so I was just wondering if this is the norm now. We have a small sample size to go on, so I can’t tell if it’s just coincidence or A Thing. Thinking back to my childhood, I totally understand why this would be a preferred route to avoid stress/meltdowns for both givers and recipients.
I’ve mentioned it here before, but share your wish dot com is very popular in my community for birthdays. It was created by a local couple who wanted to move the focus away from receiving to giving. Its a comprehensive site – you create and send the invite through them, and instead of gifts, the kid selects some charities. You select a split – 40/60, 50/50 – and the donations are then divided based on your selected split, some to the charity, some to the kid. At the end, the group sends a certificate to the kid about how much they raised (and in some instances the charity sends a thank you), which makes it really exciting. Plus they get some money for what they want. And you can send a thank you through the site.
Its pretty easy to use as the party planner, and as the guest its great because no need to remember to get a present. Also, you can make your donation silent as to amount.
Highly recommend checking it out.
So I think I’m the mom with the oldest kids replying (9 & 7). The “no gifts” thing was awesome (didn’t work completely but did reduce clutter) until kid was aware that gifts were a thing (awareness started in the 4 year time frame but because my kid has a summer birthday and it was mostly our friends, it wasn’t until 5th birthday that kid got to be excited about presents.
And…honestly, I LOVE LOVE LOVE getting presents (still today!). Which is a value in direct conflict with my anti-clutter value. And with my stress that all the kids of MY friends, who are now only a subset of my kids’ friends, NO ONE NEEDS ANYTHING and we are all just too wealthy and it’s stupid to just give and get more stuff. But it is fun, and especially around age 4 or 5++ when they start to really get into GIVING and thinking about what their friends might like, etc…
But then I also think about the friends my kid has made at the very poor school and many of them don’t have too much stuff and I would love to give them stuff. But, then there is the pressure that those parents must feel to bring presents to my kids’ parties, and I would love to say “no presents” because truly – there is no need; we’d just love to have the kids play.
I don’t have an answer nor enough time to craft a more coherent reflection on cross-class friendships and anxieties.
But, one useful tip, because actually shopping for toys for giving to other kids is a bit of a nightmare scenario for me (takes hours for them to ponder the choices and they end up making a list of what THEY want for their birthdays in 8 months!): I keep a stocked closet of generic but good gifts that I get on sale (Lego sets, science kits, board games) and then I let my kids “shop” that closet to pick out a gift for their friend.
What about having people bring gifts to a local charity (i.e. a set of PJs in a kid’s size, or their favorite book)?
So we are fairly new to parties, my son just turned three. But the first two parties we have been invited to, even though the invitation said “your presence is your present,” everyone brought gifts anyway!!
The fiver thing is weird.
If they specify ‘no gifts’, I comply because I 100% get it. We usually get an awesome card with stickers for no-gifts parties.
For gifts parties, I spend about $20, get something gender-neutralish (game or melissa and doug “profession” dress-up clothes). I always go to Target right before the party to get it.
The “fiver” concept gives me hives, even if it would be much simpler on me as a parent! It just seems rude.
Around here, a few people have requested no gifts and people seem to follow that. When we give a gift, it’s around $10-15. I usually buy art supplies or books because so few kids actually need more toys.
I sent out the evite for my kid’s first birthday party and specified no gifts. I’m getting texts from friends saying “but seriously, what should we get him?” So far I’ve responded that I am serious and if they MUST bring something to the party they can bring alcohol (it’s a casual party at our house). I appreciate their generosity, but I feel like it puts me in a weird place. I’m not trying to be a downer, my kid just has tons of toys that he doesn’t even play with – his favorite activity is emptying my spice cabinet which I’m perfectly fine with.
Honestly as a kid I loved getting birthday gifts, and I don’t have any intention of taking that away from my kids. (Although we did “no gifts” for year 1, since they didn’t appreciate them anyway.) None of the preschool parties I’ve been to by me have been no-gift parties (that seemed to die off after age 1 or 2). I aim to spend $10-15 on a gift that usually costs $15-25, by buying in bulk when I see something good on sale. I try to get gender neutral gifts that parents won’t hate (this year, for turning-5 parties, I have been doing science kits).
I usually spend $15 or so on a puzzle or fun t-shirt. I LOVE when the invitation says “no gifts”, although I can’t get my son on board with that.