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The newborn baby phase is totally disorienting, to say the least. You don’t know if you’re feeding the baby right, or enough, or at the right times; you’re tired; and your hormones are going crazy. For me, that manifested in a lot of anxiety around feeding, weight gain, and dirty-diaper counting… night under the jaundice lights for my little guy was definitely the cause of it. At first, I was just using the Notes app in my iPhone to track time breastfed, oz. of formula, and naptimes. (I still have it on my phone, and it looks like A Beautiful Mind-type equations.) I finally downloaded this app, and the graphs and data were very reassuring! I found it very user-friendly, and the graphics are cute. I didn’t try any others since I feel like this one hit all the points for me, but feel free to suggest any you tried and liked. Glow Baby is free at the App Store and Google Play (although it does offer in-app purchases). Glow Baby Newborn Tracker App
Psst: Looking for more info about nursing clothes for working moms, or tips for pumping at the office? We’ve got them both…
Anonymous says
I just can’t. Did any of our moms track any of this? No. No they did not and their lives were the better for it.
Annie says
+1. I was very lucky to have a healthy baby but didn’t do any tracking.
Spriograph says
+1 I dutifully logged while still in the hospital because the nurses asked anyway if I didn’t fill it out. Maybe for a day or two after I got home with my first, before the first ped appt. Definitely not after that. But all my kids were full term, healthy, and clearly had plenty of diaper output. If I’d been at all concerned, I probably would have been more data-driven.
I tried to do the safety pin on nursing bra thing so I would remember to alternate sides for nursing, but then I realized that remembering to move the safety pin was a bridge to far for my sleep-deprived brain, and it was easier to judge by feel.
AK says
+1 to not tracking anything for healthy children. I too applied the “feel yourself up” judgement to see which I nursed on last.
anon says
I had my first baby in 2009, and thank goodness for that. I dutifully logged stuff on the sheet of paper the pediatrician gave me … for a very short time. Even the paper log made me anxious; I can’t imagine what it would’ve been like if I’d had an app with metrics.
BPS says
I downloaded a similar app, for me personally, it gave me way too much anxiety on top of the anxiety I was already having with a tongue-tied baby. The notifications like “Baby should have peed by now!” were stressing me out even moreso. I then just wrote it down in a journal, also silly, but a touch less stressful than the app. If there’s a next time (and I hope there is), barring any doctor’s orders or baby’s needs, I hope to take it easier on myself!
anon says
I had a tongue-tie babe, too, and he also had jaundice at the beginning. And we had nursing issues abound for awhile. Like I said, I found utility in the paper log, but I think an app with notifications like you’re describing would’ve made my anxiety even worse!
rosie says
Oh dear, yes the “baby is hungry” notifications when dealing with a tongue tie were the worst.
Anonymous says
Our hospital sent us home with paper charts for the first few weeks. You crossed off dirty/wet diapers and feeds when they happened. After that, I’d make notes on a whiteboard in kiddo’s room about feeding. Mainly to track which side I started on so she could alternate. I had a pretty uneven supply (normal I know), but I wanted to do my best not to exacerbate it. And I wasn’t in a state to actually remember. And kiddo nursed very fast from the get-go…keeping track helped me talk through it with my pediatrician to ease my worries. Kiddo is almost 3, and we still use the whiteboard when she’s sick to keep track of temperatures and when she got medicine last.
Anonymous says
+1
Anonymous says
I only tracked because my first had major digestive issues. So I logged (on paper, though there were apps) diaper counts and nursing times. I quit as soon as she was diagnosed.
lsw says
I found tracking BFing super, super helpful. I didn’t track anything else. Well, except pumping. I tracked my pumping times, duration, and output. It was just easier for me to see patterns and things like that. It created a nice way for me to feel more in control and added zero stress (while taking away some do the aforementioned feeling of control). It’s also been great for a good friend who had a baby one year later than me almost to the day, so if she asked things like “when did I go down to one night feeding” or “when did I drop a pump” I can check quickly. So to each her own, but I found it helpful.
blueridge29 says
I found tracking BFing super helpful as well. It was also useful to start spotting sleep patterns to try to drop feedings. I used the Baby’s Eat Sleep and Poop journal and have checked it when friends with newborns had questions. There is no way I would remember what was happening those first few weeks without the journal.
Anon in NYC says
I loved tracking. DH and I had an app (I can’t remember which one) where we could both see the data. It really helped us in the early days of tracking diapers, feedings, etc. Eventually we cut back on tracking to just feedings. It was a useful data point for DH when I went back to work and DH took a few weeks with kiddo – he could easily see the approximate times that she had been eating, etc. We found tracking reassuring for ourselves, not to hit any metrics or pediatrician directives.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Same. We used the BabyTracker app and synced it across our phones. We found it very helpful when one of us was out. I also used it to remember which side I nursed on last.
Anon in NYC says
Also, my husband is the type of person who likes data and was very nervous about taking care of kiddo. Having this information was reassuring for him. And it made it very easy for him, in the newborn phase, to feel like he knew what he needed to do (and as a bonus, it helped ensure that I didn’t have to be the one saying: check her diaper, she needs to eat, etc.).
Lyssa says
Agreed. I found it really helpful in particular to have notes on when baby had eaten last, so if s/he was fussy, I could better guess whether that was the reason for any fussiness. I know that it shouldn’t have been that hard to keep up with when baby’s eating every 2-3 hours, but for the first few weeks, it was.
I also used the Babytracker and coordinated with my husband, and it worked well.
Anon. says
Tracking (in the BabyTracker app) also was a way to relieve stress for me and gave me at least the feeling of control. Mostly I used it to time/track BFing. Recognizing patterns and growth spurts helped me understand the babe. I did it just for myself but it was nice to have for the first few pediatrician appointments. And when he was fussy and it felt like he had JUST fed, it helped me to look at the app and realize that no, it really has been 3 hours he’s definitely hungry.
LH says
The hospital asks you to record wet and dirty diapers for at least the first week or so (and yes my mom did this too back in the 1980s). You can do it with pencil and paper, but an app is way easier for most of us. The doctor will ask at the first few appointments how much the baby is producing, and they expect you to know and not just guess.
I used the Glow app until I went back to work. I stopped tracking wet and dirty diapers once it was clear that she was producing plenty. But I really liked it for tracking BFing (could never remember which side I nursed last) and for tracking weight (if you put in a number, it gives you percentile, which I found super useful). It was also interesting to track her sleep patterns and see the correlations between naps and nighttime sleep. I’m a data nerd, but I found this app very interesting and useful and it was by far the most user friendly app I tried.
SC says
We tracked on paper, using a chart the hospital gave us. Baby was a premie and struggled with the suck/swallow reflex. He was jaundiced a few days after we went home from the hospital, and he had trouble gaining weight. We were going to the pediatrician for daily weigh-ins for a while. So, yeah, we were tracking feeding and diapers very closely.
AwayEmily says
wow, people have strong feelings about this! I tracked sleep via an app with my first until she was nine months. It was nice to see how much sleep she was getting, especially because it meant we could try to actively make up for short naps at daycare, etc. My second is a better sleeper so we didn’t track anything. But overall I have to say I see this is as a “depends on the parents and the baby” thing. If you like tracking, awesome! If you don’t want to, then great!
Pogo says
I tracked BFing in the early days (first couple weeks?) because LO was losing weight. I think I was supposed to track diapers too but I couldn’t keep up. I just did it on paper because the app seemed like it took more effort.
Later I tracked sleep but in the Notes app on my phone – just jotted it down. In both cases I felt like free-form notes was easier than trying to fit it into an app’s pre-programmed options, if that makes sense.
Anonymous says
Blatantly made up counts for both kids at the ped. as it seemed useless and stupid.
Edna Mazur says
I wouldn’t call it useless and stupid, but my pediatrician was fine with ball parks after kiddo started gaining after birth so this wouldn’t have been helpful for more than a day or two for us.
PinkKeyboard says
Blatantly made up counts for both kids at the ped. as it seemed useless and stupid.
BPS says
Mums of “older” infants- talk to me about combo feeding after EBF. My DS will be 10 months next week, and I’ve been about 99% EBF, throwing in a bottle of F occasionally on the weekend. I’ve noticed my supply slightly decreasing which I take as normal. I have a few travels sans baby coming up this month and next month, so not sure if DS will even want to nurse once I come back, and if that’s the case, I’ll take that as a natural ending of our “nursing relationship”. Otherwise, I don’t want to completely wean before age 1, but I am open for supplementing — how did y’all give a mix of pumped milk and formula in terms of daycare instructions? Did you give formula in a bigger bottle when that was a feeding (have been using Dr. B’s 4 oz bottles for pumped milk and the occasional formula feed, not sure if I need to buy the bigger ones if this becomes regular)? Any suggestions welcome.
Anonymous says
You might want to do one or the other at daycare. Once I switched to combo, LO got all formula at daycare.
AwayEmily says
Ask daycare. They are pretty used to this, I think, and usually have a system (or at least they have in the two daycares where I introduced formula). Both times we just brought one fewer bottle of breastmilk and a container of formula and said “okay we’re starting formula now!” I left it up to them whether they wanted to try mixing it, just giving her formula, etc.
LH says
I combo feed. My daughter was supplemented with formula early, then 100% BF-ed from 1-6 months. My supply plummeted at 6 months as a result of dramatic (and unintended) weight loss caused by a thyroid issue. I nurse morning and night and pump during the day, but I only get about 4 oz from my pumping sessions now, so she gets mostly formula while I’m at work. We give her 4-5 oz bottles, regardless of what’s in them. The first bottle is a mix of milk and formula, the rest are just formula. She normally has 3 bottles while I’m at work, and then sometimes we give her an additional bottle of formula before bed because I don’t have much milk in the evenings and she still seems hungry after multiple nursing sessions.
No advice on daycare, but I’m sure they’re used to anything.
Pogo says
My story sounds similar. I started supplementing from the freezer first, gradually dropping down daytime pumps. I started giving formula on the weekends, used the same Dr. Brown’s 4oz bottles. That got me to 11ish months. Then I started introducing cows milk by doing half and half in his daycare bottles, still nursing morning and night (again, supplementing from freezer). At that point I was totally done with daytime pumping. At 12 mo he was 100% cows milk at daycare, morning and night nursing. A couple weeks later I went on a trip and came back and he was like, I’m over this. He now gets cow’s milk 4-6 oz, 4 times a day. We’re phasing out bottle and moving on to straw and sippy cup now.
If I hadn’t had the freezer stash, I would have used formula. Interestingly LO was not a huge fan of formula. He likes cows milk better!
Annie says
I told the daycare to use the BF bottles first in the day so any leftover milk could be used for the next feed, and then use the mixed bottle next, and formula bottle last.
Anonymous says
Anyone know where I could get some more of these shirt-onesies? I have one or two from my older kids and I’m not wild on the 2 styles gap has right now. I love the look of a shirt/coverage of a onesie.
https://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=1114681&pcid=7189&vid=1&pid=375190002
Anonymous says
I had a few that were gifts from Old Navy.
Anonymous says
Recently? I didn’t see any.
Anonymous says
TKe it back, they have a few but they have those silly flutter sleeves that look silly on my kid. Bummer.
Anonymous says
No – it was 2-3 years ago. Sorry!
AwayEmily says
Check the boys sections of Gap/ON/Tea/etc — I’ve found them there more often than in the girls section. Agreed, it’s a cute look.
Anonymous says
Carters has a couple.
LadyNFS says
I just ordered a few from Old Navy this past weekend.
GCA says
Here’s a different perspective (surprise, Anonymous 9:03 – they exist): kid 1 had jaundice. Not severe, but for a week we saw those bilirubin numbers climb and climb. And the first two weeks were a haze of ped visits and blood draws and bili lights and being lectured on feeding him enough to flush his system. He slept a ton and was too tired to feed, so we had to wake him constantly. I tracked his feeds and dirty/ wet diapers with Evernote to assure myself and the ped that he was indeed drinking enough and pooping enough. A baby tracker app would’ve been helpful.
Oh and in the good old days, babies with jaundice sometimes died or had disabilities because of kernicterus.
Anonymous says
+1. Thank you for this.
Anonymous says
Oh please. Of course, if you’re using this as a specific tool for a specific baby, sure. But as a general thing all moms should be doing, which is clearly what I was talking about? No.
Anonymous says
How do you magically know which babies will have jaundice and which won’t?
I didn’t use an app. But standard practice in my area for hosptials to release parents with sheets to track feedings and wet diapers. Common to track until baby is back to birth weight or maybe around 2-3 weeks. Most people track less on second baby because they are experienced at BF and can tell if baby is getting enough or not.
Anonymous says
*Shrug* this is a matter of personal comfort. No one is forcing anyone to use an app or paper charts, or anything. Some people find it helpful, some don’t. Everyone wants their baby to be healthy, and some prefer more assurance. Obviously if you’re managing the health of a baby diagnosed with jaundice, you want to be a little more proactive than if all signs point to a healthy baby.
FWIW, everyone I know who had a baby with jaundice, it was not a borderline thing that would never have been identified without diligent tracking. It was diagnosed in the hospital or at the first ped appointment after low/no weight gain. No one is suggesting you scoff at a jaundice diagnosis and figure it will work itself out without any action on your part. We’re saying that the logs may not be necessary if you know your baby is gaining weight and eating and pooping a lot. My peds certainly didn’t expect me to produce a detailed log, even though the hospital sent me home with one.
anon for this says
My ped definitely had specific numbers he wanted to see in the first 48 hours at home (I believe we had to track 4 non-meconium diapers) or LO would need to be re-admitted for his jaundice. I definitely didn’t need an app, but I did write it down.
Ped didn’t need a detailed log, but in the haze of the first few days of kiddo’s life and my recovery from 30 hours of labor… I needed to at least write it down!
I get that you’re making fun of this app, but tracking (via whatever method) for your days-old infant with jaundice can be a matter of life or death (or long-term brain damage).
Anonymous says
of course you track if your baby is diagnosed with jaundice, no one is making fun of that at all. what people are pushing back on is the idea that it’s necessary to keep a detailed log of everything for a healthy infant.
anon says
This seems inappropriate for this board.
I tracked with both my healthy kids because it was helpful to know which side I bf on last and how much and look at totals as well. Dropped wet/dirty diaper tracking after first ped visit but it was helpful for that too!
Pearl Jewelry says
Is pearl (or faux pearl really) jewelry dated? It was really in style 4-5 years ago, and I wore it a bunch. I still really like the way it looks with a lot of my fall wardrobe. Is a pearl necklace and/or earrings going to look really dated if I bust it out this fall? Thanks!
JTM says
If it is dated, we’re gonna look dated together cause I’m still wearing mine :-)
I love the classic look of pearl jewelry, and my clothing style is pretty classic, so it works for me.
Pearls says
I’m biased because I really dislike pearls, but I think you can get away with it if the pearls are chunky or if they are not white (black or gray or dark pink) or if you’re wearing several strands. However, I think the pearl studs with the dainty pearl necklace has been dated for a long time.
Leatty says
Maybe I’m not the most fashionable, but I wore a pearl necklace and earrings yesterday. if it matters, I’m from the South, where pearls are timeless and classic.
Anon. says
Yeah . . . I wear my pearl studs basically every day. I’m not from the South, but pearls are timeless and classic.
Anonymous says
I think it depends on the jewelry. Some pearl jewelry is timeless. I don’t remember pearls being really in style 4-5 years ago, so I can’t picture what styles specifically you might be referring to.
anon says
The availability of apps to track everything baby- and kid-related is a topic worth discussing. Is this making things better for us, or worse?
This is at the front of my mind because just last night, my DH very kindly suggested that I need to consume way less information because it seems to be affecting me really negatively. Our kid was diagnosed with a behavioral/mental health issue 6 months ago. Since the diagnosis, I’ve been reading a ton of material to try to understand the condition better, as well as gleaning techniques to help him. (I also really, really need some support.) But, I don’t disagree with DH — it is becoming unhealthy.
Even my church recommends that parents download the app associated with the Sunday School curriculum and spend our copious free time reviewing and reinforcing the lessons they’re teaching on Sundays. We get supplemental materials with all sorts of helpful parenting tips. The theme? We can do more together! That’s great, but it feels so guilt-trippy.
In today’s parenting culture, it’s like nothing is ever enough, and you have to mentally process all this stuff coming at you, whether you’ve opted in (like I have with the behavioral health stuff) or not (Sunday School). It’s just one more thing that adds to the mental load.
Anonymous says
100% agree that there is always pressure to do more. It sucks.
My child is a health condition – after too much time going down wormholes, I limit myself to the recommendations/guidance from AAP, Mayo Clinic, Canadian Pediatric Society and/or Health Canada, British or European Pediatric guidance, and sometimes Australian. I figure 3-4 viewpoints brings in enough diverse perspective to ask meaningful questions about treatment recommendations but also enough commonality to reassure myself of the path we are on. Guidance documents/recommendations are often easily accessible online and written for a general audience.
Anonymous says
Just don’t. Ignore the Sunday school app. Don’t do that homework. It is making life worse.
PinkKeyboard says
I definitely left a ruder than necessary comment before, it was unintentional. I 110% agree that it’s causing anxiety. We are lucky that we have had two healthy kids (so no needed excess tracking) but did IVF twice. I purposely stayed off the internets, off the messageboards, and away from the crazy. It reduced my anxiety SO SO much. I still know little about the nuts and bolts, but assumed that is why I’m paying a fertility specialist. With kids it’s all don’t say this word, don’t let them use that toy, you are inhibiting their development, flattening their head…. it’s too much. People are overwhelmed by trying to follow all this guidance and conform to all these different timelines.
Anonymous says
Fully agree that more is not more when it comes to information. I have to coach myself to stop once I am as aware of [topic] as I need to be to function in my daily life, whether it’s about kid stuff, world news, or anything else. I remind myself that it is OK to trust my own instincts, and to trust teachers, doctors, etc that they are doing their jobs unless I have a reason not to.
GCA says
PS – however, if you’re only tracking feeds to figure out which side to feed on next, I find a hair tie on the wrist works just as well.
SC says
Until you take your hair down and put the tie on your other wrist :)
Now a mom of two says
Any tips on getting out of the house in the morning with two under two? I have about a month left of maternity leave, but when I go back I’ll have an almost three month old and an almost 16 month old. My husband works in public service as an EMT, so he’ll only be available to help about half the time. I’m not really worried about getting out the door on the days that he’ll be home, but I’m a little nervous about making it work solo. Aside from packing lunches/bottles/bags the night before, is there anything I can do to make this easier for myself?
Anonymous says
Practice! It gets easier with practice so start getting up and leaving the house now. Go to the park or for coffee or a walk.
Anonymous says
Lots of places to put each kid. So bouncy seat for baby and exersaucer in/near bathroom and exit door, and maybe also in kitchen.
If you have a garage, get in the habit of keeping the car in there. E.g. 16 month old can stay in car seat with a book if you discover baby has a diaper blow after you loaded toddler. Or baby falls asleep in bucket seat and can be put in car while you finish with 16 month old’s shoes and coat.
Ms B says
Take baby to school in pajamas unless they got wet or spit up on in the night and let them deal with changing (or not). Also, find a school that serves breakfast; not having to feed the toddler is a huge timesaver. S/he should be able to eat some Cheerios or Kix from a snack keeper to tide over until breakfast at school.
AwayEmily says
If you have a two-story house, figure out ways to minimize or eliminate the trips upstairs and downstairs (ie, make sure you have a second changing station and some extra outfits downstairs).
Also, consider wearing an old shirt over your work clothes so that when the toddler wipes her yogurt-covered hands on you or the baby spits up on you, you don’t have to change.
+1 on lots of places to park the baby.
This may not be relevant to you, but my toddler is allowed to watch some Daniel Tiger on the phone while I feed the baby (only when I’m solo parenting).
Redux says
Agreed on the work clothes point! For me, the hardest thing about getting two kids out of the house by myself is skipping all the things I need: clothes, breakfast, makeup. Stash an extra outfit at the office in case you get to work before realizing you’ve got yogurt or snot on your shoulder. Keep oatmeal packets or other high-protein breakfasts and snacks at your desk– if you are rushed in the morning, you will skip breakfast. Consider doing your makeup or other routine at the office instead of at home.
Anonymous says
+1
Best hack I got was from a colleague with three kids. She gets herself ready before waking up the kids but then puts on a thin bathrobe instead of her blazer. Keeps her jackets in the front hall closet and switches the bathrobe for the jacket just before going out the door.
Anonymous says
Can you drop them off then come home and finish getting ready? When I worked in an office that was key. Now I work at home so I just need to be showered/fed, not looking spiffy.
Otherwise, tips include always having a spare outfit for ypunready to go, lay everyone’s clothes out the night before. With my infant, I just scoop her up at 7:45 from her crib and put her in the bucket as the last thing out the door. I also have a 5 y/o preschooler and a 2 y/o so we run a tight ship around here.
Delta Dawn says
My husband travels about 50% of the time, so, like you, our mornings are fine when he’s here and can get messy when he’s not. Mine are ages 2 and 10 months. A few tips:
– Keep an extra outfit at work so that a last minute spitup doesn’t send you back into the house to start over. Keep an extra cardigan or wrap in your car to cover it up til you get to work.
– I keep a sterilite box in the backseat floorboard. It has various granola bars, crackers, other individually wrapped stuff that the 2yo can eat for breakfast on the way to school.
– Also in the Backseat Box are toys for both baby and toddler. Whoever gets loaded first gets handed a toy or book while I deal with the other one. The Backseat Box items don’t leave the car.
-Toddler knows that morning tv time is only for when Daddy is not home. So if DH is gone, toddler gets to watch one episode of Daniel Tiger while I get ready.
– Baby gets put in the (empty) bathtub in my bathroom, with a few toys, while I get ready. Ceramic playpen!
– I keep a drawer of breakfast food at my desk; oatmeal, english muffins, the occasional box of pop tarts. I never even try to eat breakfast at home anymore.
– The baby can go to school in pajamas sometimes, or all the time really.
– Put things by the door the night before. Like you said, prepare lunches, bottles, lay out your clothes, and put as much of it as possible by the door. I tend to forget things in the fridge, so I put the bottles in the fridge but leave the cooler by the door. The empty cooler reminds me to get the bottles.
– If we’re (inevitably) late, I just load them both into the car, and then finish getting myself ready in the parked car before we leave the driveway. I often finish my makeup this way.
– Higher level simplification is helpful: all of my clothes go together, so no major wardrobe decisions. All of toddler’s clothes go together, so he can wear any shirt and any pants.
Blueberries says
My family goes through periods where both kids go to school in pajamas or get dressed the night before (sweatpants/shorts and comfy shirt). My kids just don’t like to get changed and I don’t see the harm in changing their clothes just once a day if they so choose.
DLC says
+1. My toddler wore footed sleepers for the first 13 months of his life and when I travel, my husband lets my 6 year old sleep in her clothes for the next day.
My husband goes to work before I wake up and The hardest thing for me is to remember to eat breakfast. So I will often just make a smoothie I can have in the car or at my desk. Also- if daycare will provide/ feed the kids breakfast, let them. Our daycare does this and it is such a time saver.
interview help says
Mod on the main s !te is killing me – my post from way earlier this morning didn’t show up, so I’ll ask here. Long story short, surprise interview today at 2 pm. Don’t have a good suit because my pre-baby suits look dated and my PP suit is too big now. Do I:
– wear trousers, blouse and scarf (don’t think I have a blazer that matches my trousers, I mostly wear ankle pants)
– wear dress and non-matching blazer
– go to banana republic and buy a suit off the rack and hope they have something with a long-enough inseam
My industry isn’t terribly formal but I haven’t ever interviewed without a suit, so I don’t know if separates is “good enough.” Would love your thoughts!
Anonymous says
Wear your dated suit
JTM says
Dress + non-matching blazer would be fine in my industry, but YMMV. Good luck!
Anon in NYC says
I responded on the main page but, I voted for dress with a non-matching blazer, so long as they’re sufficiently formal. Really, they called you for an interview with a few hours notice. If you had a week to prepare I’d tell you to wear the suit, but dress + blazer is good enough in this scenario.
anon says
How do you teach your LO about death? My almost 4 year old is starting to ask questions. Somehow Abraham Lincoln came up last night and my son was asking where he was. We also recently came upon an old graveyard from the 1800s and my husband and I stumbled through something like “they are resting in the ground”. LO has latched onto the idea of people going into the ground. He got really sad last night and said he never wanted to go into the ground. I was totally stumped. How have you had these conversations?
Anonymous says
Yeah, mine latched onto the underground thing, too. It is a little creepy when you think about it! We are fortunate that no one close to my kids has died, yet, so I try to keep these short and sweet, reassuring that most people live to be very old before their body stops working and they die. Everyone dies some day, but the people who love you try really hard to keep you healthy and safe, so hopefully not for a very long time. Like great grandparents, they are really old, but they were little like you once and they’ve lived for all those years! When you die, you don’t need your body anymore, so some people are buried in graveyards, and then people who loved them can go there when they want to be in a special place to remember them.
AK says
We are not religious. I think it could be easier if you believe in an afterlife, but this has been our experience without afterlife talk —
Morbid or not, we have talked about death for a long time with our 4-yo (for years?). Both of our mothers have been deceased since before kiddo was born, but we have photos of them around the house, so that was our starting point. We use “death” and “dead” language with kiddo and reiterate that everyone will die when they are old, but some people die when they’re young. Obviously he is not tactful in discussing death and asks questions repeatedly which can be painful topics of discussion – “Daddy, is your mommy dead? How did your mommy die?”, but … it’s truthful, I guess?
Kiddo has not expressed fear at his own or our deaths yet. I don’t think he really *gets* it yet (no one that he knows or pets have died), but we’re preparing for that day.
He occasionally asks if/when we will die (we will say “I don’t know, but we hope not for a long time”), and then says things like “I will be a daddy when you die” or “I will be a grandpa when you die”, and we reinforce by saying “I hope so”, but there’s no death comprehension yet.
DLC says
We have a 6 year old and she has had two grandparents and one great grandparent and a cat die in the past three years. We are also Catholic, so we do talk about your spirit/ soul going to heaven to be with the angels and what we are burying is just the body. I don’t know if she still fully understands about death, but she did view all the bodies and she knows that we will no longer be able to visit and see grandma and grandpa. (She cried more about the cat than about the grandparent, to be honest) The subject of death doesn’t come up much for us, but in her when it does, she usually will reference grandma and grandpa.
anon at 9:46 says
Thank you, all of these responses are helpful.
Anonymous says
Can we talk about “school”? When did day care start getting called school? Is your kids first day of school kindergarten, pre k? When did nursery school start getting called prek3? Why is CA so weird? Babies don’t go to school!
JTM says
It’s the same here in MN. My daughter goes to a Montessori daycare but half the time I refer to it as “school” because they actually have defined curriculum. “Daycare” sometimes leaves the impression that someone is just keeping an eye on her all day, but really she’s going through various lessons just like she would at “real” school.
Anonymous says
Is she school age though? Cause there is no real school for a 3 year old. And no day care just leaves the babies to chill all day and just makes sure they aren’t dead.
Anonymous says
Our day care called itself “preschool” or “school.” Does it really offend you that much for people to call day care or preschool “school”? It’s a place where kids go all day to learn. Insisting upon the distinction between “day care” and “school” seems pedantic.
I also preferred to call it “school” to signal that it was a licensed center and not an in-home day care.
Anonymous says
That’s what bugs me. Exactly. It’s just virtue signaling. Ohhhhh. My baby isn’t in day car. The horror. Can’t use that word you might think I’m leaving them in a house with a druggie watching them. It just seems really unnecessary.
I’m trying to get my kid excited to start school next year because it’s way different than day care. School is to learn. Day care is because mommy works and you need to be taken care of.
Delta Dawn says
Daycare is not because Mommy works. It is because both parents work.
School and daycare are both places to learn. My children have learned a lot at daycare. Colors, numbers, letters… they are learning. Part of your descriptors here are the reason some people may not like the word daycare.
Anonymous says
Oh I’m a single mom! I tell my daughter day care is because mommy works because there is no daddy :)
Anonymous says
If you tell your kid she has to go to day care because Mommy works, she will resent your job someday. If you tell her she goes to school because it’s her job to go to school, that makes it about her and not about the fact that Mommy works.
Anonymous says
Meh, I disagree with Anon at 2:32. I am not the Anon at 10:02, but I had a single mom and knew I went to daycare (and it was in-home, gasp) because my mom had to work to support my sister and me. I didn’t resent my mom’s job, I appreciated her for working. I would have thought it was a little silly for my mom to tell me that I had to go to day care because it was my job.
Anon says
This whole conversation is so weird to me, having grown up in a country where all children go to large daycare centers starting a few months old. There was no choice for parents to continue to care for children and not work. The country needed parents to work. And from that point of view, your kid goes to daycare or school or whatever you want to call that because that’s what their job is right now in society. I’ll say this perspective leaves me with zero mommy guilt. Staying home with children was never an option in any alternative universe I could imagine in my head for myself.
Anon says
I call it school because we’ve always repeated that we each have jobs to help the family – “Mom and Dad go to work, Kid 1 and Kid 2 go to school” School is where you go to learn how to be a grown up, and they were doing that at daycare, at preschool, and now at elementary. Nothing nefarious or sinister, just looking for consistent language that a kid can understand. *shrug*
Anon in NYC says
Hahaha, I remember a very long thread on the main page about this a year or so ago. People were incensed.
FWIW, my daughter went to daycare before she was two. She goes to a preschool now (they have a curriculum, the head teacher has a masters, etc.).
Carine says
Yep, that was my first thought. Here we go again!
KonMari Addict says
My kid goes to a pre-school that has a full time option like daycare, but refers to itself as a school. She enjoys calling it “school” and wearing a backpack, so I go with it. I think its cute.
anon says
I remember that thread. I don’t think it matters. My son’s school has “school” in the name, so that’s what we’ve always called it.
Anonymous says
Yes. It should be called daycare until age 2 or 3, and then it’s preschool. Infants do not go to preschool. It’s 100% done to make parents feel better about putting their kids in daycare, and I think it’s ridiculous. My friends are so snobby about it too. Heaven forbid you refer to their 5 month old going to daycare, “No it’s SCHOOL.” Please.
Anonymous says
I’m probably just being a fuddy duddy I guess!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Here in MA, I believe it’s technically daycare until 2.9 years (infant then toddler rooms), then they start preschool, then pre-K, then K, etc. We’ve always called our son’s providers/caretakers “teachers” and now say we’re going to “school” because it’s easier and I don’t really care about the distinction of daycare vs. school. I’m happy to call it daycare or school through K (ours is in the same center) – he’s been learning age-appropriate things with loving providers since he started at 4 months.
Anonymous says
We’re in MA. My 4 y/o goes to preschool (it’s called like, Rainbow Sunshine Happyplace Preschool, and has a traditional half day program). My other 2 go to daycare. We call it “baby school” at home to differentiate and we call days when the kids go “school days” but to other adults I say I have a kid in preschool and two in daycare.
Now…the daycare my younger guys go to takes preschoolers. They have a “preschool” (age 3/4) and “Pre K” (4/5) classroom. Idk how I’d refer to that- maybe “she’s in the preschool program at daycare”? And I have friends with kids in a place that takes kids 2.9 and up from 7:30-6pm. I think they call it “full day preschool.”
Honestly, there is no right answer and nobody cares.
Turtle says
Also in MA and I remember that thread. We call daycare “school” with our 4 month old. Rolls off the tongue better? The daycare also has a legit preschool and K program and has the word school in the name, for what that’s worth. Ditto that no one (that matters) cares.
Anonymommy says
I’m in CA, and I use school and daycare interchangeably with and about my 3 year old.
KateMiddletown says
Agreed. I also don’t care about the curriculum you’re using for my 6 week to 6 month old. It’s called feeding, diapering, sleeping, playing, and not letting them cry.
Anonymous says
We’ve always called our son’s daycare “school.” It bugs me a little bit, but (a) it’s connected to a K-12 private school, (b) DH and everyone in his family went to that school K-12, so they’re used to calling the whole place “school.” If I’m talking to a stranger, I sometimes say my kid’s in daycare or preschool–or I’ll start with “school” out of habit and then correct myself with, “Well, daycare really, he’s just 3.”
CPA Lady says
I call it school for 3 reasons:
– The teachers for the older classes and some of the younger ones actually have degrees in early childhood education and are “real” teachers. The preschool (3), and pre-k (4-5 year old) classes are play based, but they also learn stuff more formally. The pre-k class teacher came from a Montessori school and lets them explore so many cool things.
– It’s one syllable and I’m lazy
– My SAHM mom brought me up to believe that “daycare” is a place for children whose mothers don’t really love them and selfishly have jobs because all they care about is themselves. I seriously thought that daycares were glorified cold war orphanages before I got pregnant and needed to find one. I intellectually know that is ridiculous. I’m pretty sure at this point even my mom knows that is ridiculous. But just the word “daycare” makes me cringe. I’m sorry to have to admit that. Now you know the horrible truth about me and my virtue signalling ways. :)
EB0220 says
+1 To “It’s one syllable and I’m lazy.”
Also, my older daughter is in elementary school so I’d rather just use the broad “school” brush when referring to both kids. Because again, lazy.
Anon says
+1 to your third point. I could have written that.
Anonymous says
Re your third point, aren’t you then just perpetuating that attitude about daycare? I live in the Midwest, not in a major city. Daycares are daycares here. I have no choice to send my kid to “school” and you better believe I get down on myself when my east coast friends talk about how their kids go to school, even though rationally I know it’s the same thing.
Spirograph says
My center is licensed through the state’s Dept of Education, requires lead teachers to have certifications in early childhood education, and the preschool follows the state’s early learning framework, so the director is pretty insistent on calling it a school and I think that’s fair. Plus, by the time a kid is old enough to talk, it is appealing to be a “big kid” going to “school.” School is a way easier word for a toddler to say than daycare, and 1 syllable vs two for me, although I use them pretty equally to describe the place I take my younger kids every day when talking to adults.
As far as I’m concerned, though, the First Day of School is the first day of Kindergarten.
Anonymous says
Sorry, but I find the whole “it’s a school not a daycare because the teachers have credentials” thing incredibly snobby. It’s just another way to look down on people who can’t afford or don’t have access to those kind of daycares, and for affluent women to make themselves feel better that their kid doesn’t go to real daycare like the poors. And your infant is not going to “school” regardless of how qualified the teachers are. It’s only at age 3 or so that they can remotely start following anything resembling a school lesson, which is why preschools typically start at that age.
Spiprograph says
I see your point, but I was saying that the director is very touchy about this because it is literally her job to make sure the licensing requirements are met, and she has been very vocal that the center is a school, so I adopted the terminology. I’m not trying to distance myself from “the poors” I’m trying to be respectful of the person I entrust with my kids’ care. And I have 1 kid in the preschool and one kid in the toddler program, but differentiating is not worth my time in casual conversation.
When my kids went to an in-home daycare with “daycare” in the name of it, I called it a daycare.
CPA Lady says
I would imagine that some people feel that way, but I think it’s quite a leap to suggest that everyone calls it school for that reason.
I fully admit that the word “daycare” has emotional baggage for me, but zero percent of that has to do with wanting to separate myself from “the poors”. It has 100% to do with my own upbringing that placed working mothers in a negative light. It actually placed more judgement on rich working mothers, because poor working mothers got a pass because they “have to” work. Rich working mothers don’t *have* to work/send their kids to daycare, so they must be doing it because they don’t love their children enough (per my mom, circa the 90s). Now I’m a rich working mother and I’m sending my kid to daycare. I’m basically the exact example of someone who doesn’t love her kid enough. While I intellectually know this is absurd, it still stings a tiny bit, deep down. So I call it school. (Also for other reasons listed above, which involve respecting the teachers, the learning environment, and my own laziness).
Besides which, there is not someone standing next to parents asking them their net worth before allowing them to use the word “school”. Poor parents can and do call their kid’s daycare “school” just like rich people can and do.
Anonymous says
This is so interesting to me that people have such strong opinions!
We send LO to an in-home, so we just call it by his caregiver’s name (for example, “time to go to Annie’s!”). Although I think sometimes DH and I call his bag “the daycare bag”.
anon. says
The place the kid goes is called “ABC Nursery School.” So we say “We’re going to school!” Plus, he reads books about Elmo and Grover going to school, and “school” is a word he knows. It isn’t virtue signaling, it’s just easier.
avocado says
I would go with dress and blazer, if they fit. A hastily purchased suit will not look polished—suits inevitably need tailoring and pressing to look right.
Anon. says
+1
Anon says
How do I get more sleep for my elementary kids?
Since school started (real school, although we called their summer program school too, oops) my kids clearly need more sleep. However I can’t get them to get more sleep. Normally they go to bed at 8, fall asleep by 830, and are up at 630. I’ve tried pushing that bedtime back to 730 or even 7. But then they either stay awake until 830 anyway (playing quietly in their bed), or if they do fall asleep early, then they’re just up at 530 or 6 (playing not so quietly in their room).
I’ve tried letting them sleep in on the weekends (even though you’re not supposed to do that) and same issue, they wake up anyway. I’ve tried doing an intense morning of physical activity and then trying for a nap or an earlier bedtime, and still no dice.
Other ideas to try?
Anonymous says
Are they tired?
Anon says
Hmm good question. They’re wayyyyy more whiny and clingy and short-fused than usual. When they were younger, those were classic signs they needed more sleep. They didn’t have this when they went to school last year. Are the signs of tiredness different for older kids?
SC says
I don’t know if the signs of tiredness are different for older kids. But what you’re describing could be signs that they need more down time or free play time. It’s hard to go from summer to focusing all day in school, and even if they’re not sleepy, they may need some unstructured time to unwind and process. It’s hard with school-aged kids because everyone’s busy all the time.
Anonymous says
It sounds to me like they need more quiet, unstructured time, not more sleep. If they’re in extracurricular activities, I’d cut back on those.
Anonymous says
Are they outside a lot? My kids get whingy when they don’t have enough free play time outside. Sometimes even 15 minutes makes a difference. Either that or it’s hangriness. Afterschool snack/drink is a necessity for my two.
KateMiddletown says
Did they JUST start they year? Sometimes the onslaught of info and social activity is what makes my kid tired. Maybe just adding quiet time to the schedule vs sleep time would help.
Anon says
Thanks all. Interesting thought about having more unstructured down time. The whining does get worse in the evenings when we’re marching through the homework/ dinner/ chores slog. I wonder if we can figure out a way to shake that up a bit. Maybe play outside before dinner.
They do have more homework this year, and we’re not even a month in. They’re not struggling academically and it feels excessive to me (half an hour for 2nd grade, closer to 45 min for 3rd grade). I wonder if I can talk to their teachers about skipping some of it (or trading it for reading a book of their choosing) or otherwise figure out how to cut that back.
SC says
Back in the day, I was an after-school helper for a 6-year-old (1st grade) and 9-year-old (4th grade). Their mom gave them a lot of structure. But after they got off the bus, they had a snack and about 20-30 minutes to relax, but they had to stay downstairs, inside, with no screens during that time (basically to avoid the fight of getting them back inside/out of their rooms/turning the tv off). Then they had homework–probably 15 minutes of worksheets + 10 minutes of reading with an adult (me) for 1st grade and 30 minutes of worksheets + 20 minutes of reading for 4th grade. Once they finished homework, they could play, use up their screen time, etc. They usually played outside for an hour or so before their parents came home. They complained some about homework, as all kids do, but it seemed to work pretty well.
Anonymous says
I’m not a doctor, but if they wake up naturally and don’t sleep in on weekends, they don’t sound sleep-deprived. The fact that an early bedtime results in an earlier wake-up is also a pretty clear sign that they’re getting enough sleep. 10 hours is pretty average for elementary age kids.
https://sleepfoundation.org/press-release/national-sleep-foundation-recommends-new-sleep-times
Anonymous says
10 hours sleep is appropriate for school aged kids. Are they telling you that they are tired? My second grader often says she’s tired when really she’s thirsty because she didn’t drink enough.
EB0220 says
Do they have blackout curtains? That helps my kids (4 and 6) sleep later.
Legally Brunette says
When is the right time to introduce chores and how do you get the kids to do them? Kids are 3 and 5, their only chores are putting away their toys at the end of the night and (sometimes) putting away their laundry that I fold. I would like them to take on more responsibilities, if nothing else than to teach them that mom and dad can’t do everything. Should I make a chart? Something else? I’d like this to be fun, not just a “chore.” :)
Anonymous says
We just tell my son what his responsibilities are and remind him frequently; we don’t have a chart or anything complicated. And they aren’t necessarily fun, but that is life, you know? I think we started around 4. He is now 6 and his jobs are putting away the silverware from the dishwasher, filling the cat food bowl (dry food only), putting away his clean laundry (we still fold it), clearing his dishes after every meal, putting his dirty clothes in the laundry, cleaning up toys, and putting shoes/coats away when we come home. When he was younger I used to get him to help me sort the laundry.
One fun thing he does enjoy is “quality check” – I usually weed out measuring spoons, wisks, etc. from the silverware sorter before he unloads the cultery and put them away since they go in harder to reach and varied places. When he does the silverware, I check afterwards to make sure everything is in the right place – that is his quality check. If he finds a measuring spoon or something I missed, that is my quality check. He loves having perfect quality and when my quality is poor. Also we call them jobs instead of chores, since that sounds more appealing.
Anonymous says
Oh he sets the silverware on the table too. Poorly.
AwayEmily says
Like yours, our 2.5 year old cleans up her toys (thank you, daycare, for instilling that value in her!). She also has two other jobs: putting away her books at night after we do stories, and bringing her plate to the sink after meals. We are in the midst of teaching her to unpack her bag (lunchbox to sink, sheets to hamper) after coming home from school.
My take: it’s best if they are chores that get done at the same time every day, and you need an immediate, relevant, consistent consequence if they aren’t done. She’s not allowed to go play until she brings her dish to the sink. For putting her books away at night, if she stalls doing that then we tell her there won’t be time to play with her animals before bed (she usually has a little putting-stuffed-animals-to-bed ritual). I would say it took a couple of weeks with each chore, but now she does them fairly automatically. We refer to them as her “jobs” and also talk about other jobs that Mama and Dada have around the house.
That being said, I don’t really think any of those chores are fun for her — they’re just things she has to do.
mascot says
+1 that chores/jobs aren’t supposed to be “fun”. But they are things we have to do so we can go have fun and they are part of living in our house/family/society. I mean, there are ways to make them less painful, like have a race to see who can pick up the most toys in 5 minutes. But, the intrinsic nature of chores isn’t going to be fun and games for kids or anyone else so don’t feel like you are missing some parenting secret.
Redux says
Agreed. My 4-year old told me last night that clearing her plate wasn’t “fun” and I laughed and said, “do you think I think washing the dishes is fun?” I explained that we work together to keep each other safe and healthy because we care about each other. And that was we have time and space to do fun things like read and color and play. She seemed to get it in the moment, but she is not *great* at chores, so we’ll see. I do think it’s important for her to know that we work inside and outside the home for reasons that don’t always include fun.
anon says
Personally, I’ve found chore charts to be more of a burden on the parents than a motivator for the kids. It’s just hard to keep up over time, IMO. My approach has been to just get the kids involved in what I’m doing, which it sounds like you’re doing already! My philosophy is that everyone needs to pitch in, and that’s just what you do in a functional family. I try to have a positive attitude about it and not bark orders like a drill sergeant, but I don’t worry much about making chore time “fun.” Chores aren’t fun, but they’re a part of life, and there is satisfaction in making a home functional and liveable.
For a 3- and 5-year-old, here a few ideas to get them involved:
– Help clear the table/take their dishes to the counter after meals.
– Match socks (my least favorite chore, honestly).
– Get into the habit of putting away their own coats, shoes, and daycare bags.
– Make beds, for the 5-year-old (forgive the rumpled mess).
– Feed pets.
anon says
I should add: We’ve had more success working on one thing at a time and gradually building up the responsibilities, rather than going all-in on 5 or 6 jobs simultaneously. It usually takes a couple of weeks for something to become a habit.
Anonymous says
Our almost three year old loves to carry her plate and cup to the table, carry them to the sink (and throw away any uneaten food), and wipe her place at the table. They do this at school, and she is very proud of it. She also loves to hand us dishes out of the dishwasher when we unload it. She’ll sometimes put her dirty clothes in her basket. And dust with DH. She knows the “Big Helper” Daniel Tiger episode and gets so proud to announce that she is a Big Helper. When we’re doing stuff, sometimes she’ll ask if she can be Big Helper.
Anonymous says
Laundry and toys make sense. Maybe just add putting their dirty dishes in the sink? Put their coat on the hook when they come home?
Better to be consistent with fewer tasks than pile on the tasks and have to police them more.
Anonymous says
My almost 5 y/o is in charge of unpacking everyone’s (3 months, 2, and herself) lunchbags and backpacks at the end of the day. 2 y/o set the table (all melnamine plates). Adult + 2 and 5 y/o empty dishwasher and fill with dinner dishes. One of the two older girls sweep.
Adult + 2 older kids clean playroom every night.
On weekends, older 2 help fold and put away laundry. 2 y/o is crazy good at folding! And I only give her her own clothes and towels so it’s low stakes.
We don’t do chore charts because they are all still supervised anchored to date.
SC says
We’re not very structured with our 3-year-old. He puts his toys away at the end of the day, with my help. But we involve him in what we’re doing–Kiddo can help cook, carry silverware and napkins to the table, put clothes in the hamper, load laundry into the washing machine (the drier’s stacked, unfortunately), pick trash up, hold the dust pan, and pull weeds/pick things in the garden. He doesn’t spend a substantial amount of his week doing any of those things, but we try to instill and “everyone helps” mentality.
As he gets older, we’ll shift responsibility to taking care of his room, his clothes, his school bag, etc. But we probably won’t do official chore charts for family chores. (DH and I tend to fall into different roles at different times, but we also don’t officially divide chores by giving one person responsibility for one thing all the time. Then again, our house is often messy, so maybe that’s not the best system for a clean house.)
EB0220 says
My kids have always helped around the house. The younger one (now 4) is in Montessori and they are really big on practical life stuff, so she has always liked helping in the kitchen and picking up her stuff. We just gave them “official” chores, which they collaborate on. 1) Wipe down the kitchen table and sweep the floor around the table once a day 2) Clean their rooms 2x a week 3) Put away their laundry when needed. They also do the standard stuff like clear their plates and cups after a meal, clean up spills, and pick up toys. We are definitely on team “chores aren’t fun but they’re part of keeping the household running.” We do have to remind them frequently, but do not have a chore chart.
Spirograph says
In addition to putting away their toys, my 3 and 5 year old are also responsible for clearing their dishes when they finish a meal. I’ve found they really love to do chores, so I ask them to help in an ad hoc way, “Who wants to help me do XYZ,” and at least one will volunteer. They literally fought about who got to wash the dishes the other day when my son decided on his own to pull a chair up to the kitchen sink and start scrubbing (which was not helpful at all, we were trying to leave in the morning, and breakfast dishes can just go in the dishwasher). I wouldn’t say chores get done particularly WELL with their help, but I’m playing the long game here. We talk a lot about how there are lots of things that need to get done so we all have a comfortable home, and since all of us live there, we all need to pitch in.
Some kid-favorite activities:
Grocery shopping
Sweeping
Wiping the table after a meal
Vacuuming
Putting clean dishes away (esp silverware)
Setting the table
Weed the flower beds
Washing dishes
Helping cook dinner
Feeding pets
Helping with laundry (sort, load and fold. I do not ask them to put laundry away, because I like to be able to find things)
Legally Brunette says
Thanks everyone! I guess I thought a chores chart would help reduce the amount of times I would need to remind them to do things, but maybe that’s just the reality with kids this age. I like the idea of unloading the utensils, wiping down the table and sweeping. They’re in Montessori so they’re very accustomed to doing these things in school.
DLC says
I feel like kids will always have to be reminded to do chores. I don’t think cognitively they understand the concepts of time and priorities in a way that allow them to just spontaneously do chores when they would rather be playing Legos. And honestly, I feel like even when I was in high school, my parents had to remind me and my brother to clear the table and do the dishes every night. But that is parenting, I guess.
My 6 year old makes her bed, unloads and sorts the silverware, folds the napkins, and does her own laundry (but doesn’t fold.. sigh). She has to be reminded to do it. The only way I’ve found to self motivate her is if I let her listen to a podcast while doing it. Then she will say, “Is there any silverware to put away?”
Anonymous says
You’re probably at age 10-11 before they don’t need to be reminded daily.
Sarabeth says
In my experience, it helps to have a schedule of events and put something boring before the chore and something fun after the chore. At our house, every night is dinner, then clear the table, then playtime until bedtime, then brush teeth, then clear up toys, then play for 10 minutes in their rooms, then books/lights off. If they dawdle too long with cleaning up, it cuts into the subsequent playtime, so there’s a built-in incentive, and we are never stopping something super fun to do a chore. Telling a kid to stop playing and clean up is a hard sell; telling them to clean up when dinner is done is much easier.
Cornellian says
I tracked obsessively on an app and it was definitely bad for my mental health. I did it for nearly a year.
It is sort of gratifying when I think about how miserable newborn life was for me to look back and be like “okay, so I’m not crazy, he literally didn’t sleep for more than 90 minutes for several months. It was actually awful!”
travelpump says
Is a travel/small pump worth it? I anticipate a lot of work-related travel this first year with baby. I have a Spectra which I love, but after taking a work related trip with it – I loved how much milk I got but hated lugging the bulky pump around. I am torn bc a travel pump means less milk / more time pumping, but easier to travel with. Most of my trips are 2-3 days, and I have a very decent freezer stash.
Also, any recommendations? I am looking at this one https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00MJLIW4O/ref=ox_sc_act_title_2?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&psc=1
Anonymous says
How much is a lot of travel? How committed to EBF are you? If you are OK with a pump-and-dump approach while on the road, get the small one. If it’s a few days in a row, make sure you’re ok with potential impacts to supply.
FWIW when I traveled and planned to bring the milk home, I just brought everything (when I’d be in an office for a full week while on the road I brought two pumps…one for the hotel and one for the office just like at home) and checked a bag and expensed it. I put a manual pump in my carryon.
Jen says
How much is a lot of travel? How committed to EBF are you? If you are OK with a pump-and-dump approach while on the road, get the small one. If it’s a few days in a row, make sure you’re ok with potential impacts to supply.
FWIW when I traveled and planned to bring the milk home, I just brought everything (when I’d be in an office for a full week while on the road I brought two pumps…one for the hotel and one for the office just like at home) and checked a bag and expensed it. I put a manual pump in my carryon.
Delta Dawn says
I have an Ameda Purely yours that is not a travel pump (I use it at my desk as my regular pump) but is also not very big. It might be good for travel without sacrificing output. I travel with it occasionally and find it much more portable than the various Medelas I have used (hospital grade rental, PISA, etc.)
rosie says
Yes, I’m a fan of the S9, which looks like what you posted. I used an S2 (got through insurance), and it was really convenient to be able to use all the same parts with the S9. A slightly different feel, but still worked fine for me, and I didn’t pump more time with it versus the S2 (same number/length pumping sessions). I got it for about $130 from Amazon, I’ve seen it for around that on Jet [dot] com, and I used FSA funds.
KateMiddletown says
I once read that the average NY Times contains more information than a person in the Middle Ages would have taken in during their entire lifetime. We definitely live in the age of TMI, and with parenting it just keeps coming. I think we have to remind the app providers (aka the PTO, the doctor, Sunday school) and ourselves that these things exist to serve us but not for us to serve them. I hate the feeling that these things that are supposed to be making our lives easier and better are just creating more homework for us parents.
That being said, I don’t track baby kicks since I feel them all the friggin’ time, but I do plan to use a tracker to serve as a brain outside my body and communicate with husband during the wee-post-natal stages. I can’t remember anything from last time I had a baby.
KW says
This is me too. I’m due with baby #2 in a couple weeks, and my older child is 7. So, like you, I remember nothing from the newborn stages. I don’t track anything for #2 now, but I’m planning on tracking feedings and diapers at least in the beginning because I doubt I would otherwise remember.
Cb says
I’ve got a cheapy pump off amazon which is about half the size of the Medela. It cost about £30. I keep it at home in case I do an evening pump and will take it when I travel at the end of the month.
Anon4this says
I just got a positive pregnancy test this am! Feel fine other than extremely lightheaded and dizzy. Not telling anyone at work at this point and we are going to wait until after the first OB appointment to tell family (once we know there is a heartbeat, etc). It is so weird to have this huge secret and not tell anyone. Does anyone have a recommendation for a book about pregnancy/newborns that is written for first time dads? DH is pregnancy / baby clueless and I am not much better and he would like to learn some stuff to be less clueless and I want to support this inclination!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Congrats! My husband (and I) liked Heading Home with Your Newborn and the Happiest Baby on the Block. We also read Bringing up Bebe for general parenting philosophy tips. These aren’t specifically written for dads, but they also don’t talk about caregiving as if it’s just mom’s role. I’d also recommend taking an infant care/CPR class together when you’re near the end to get some hands-on experience.
Anonymous says
Congrats! Heading Up With Your Newborn is comprehensive but not an encyclopedia like Baby 411. It’s wordy, you can skim it and get the gist.
KateMiddletown says
I covertly signed my husband up for a daily email knowing that he would be much more likely to read that than a whole book. ( I think it was fit pregnancy aka Parents magazine?)
Anon says
My husband (and me too!) loved Expecting Better by Emliy Oster. SO GREAT
Anonymous says
Congrats! This is not exactly what you asked and you may want to hold off on this until a little later in the pregnancy, but The Birth Partner has been a good book for my DH that is geared toward how to provide support in labor and delivery. Someone gave my husband another book that was marketed to dads and it was sooo basic and juvenile as to be pretty insulting for a dad who actually wants to be an equal partner, so beware of those.
Anon4this says
Thanks for all the recommendations!
Anon for this says
Really curious to hear the hive’s thoughts on this.
Husband travels for work on average once or twice a week, so I am solo parenting on those days. We have two very high-energy young kids.
I never have to travel for work. However, I’m quite social and really enjoy hanging out with girlfriends and going to professional events when I can. I have curtailed this quite a bit, but would say I probably go out for a social evening once every two weeks.
Husband will often say that he never does anything for himself and is always focusing on the family, whereas I do things for myself like go out. He says that I can’t compare him going out of town to work because it’s part of his job, whereas I am going out for fun.
To me, though, it comes down to the fact that I am solo parenting way more than he is and so it’s fine if I go out to socialize a few times a month.
Writing this down husband sounds horrible but he’s actually really great. Super hands on parent, 50/50% house related cooking, cleaning, etc.
What do you all think? I should add that husband never says that he wants to go out for fun with his friends and even if I pushed him to go, he wouldn’t want to.
Anonymous says
I would get a babysitter and go out while DH is out of town, then spend family time together. Or get a sitter when you go out even if DH is home. Don’t ask him to hold down the fort on thenone day a week he’s not on the road.
EB0220 says
My personal preference is to have family time when my husband is home, so I almost always schedule a social stuff while he’s out of town and get a babysitter.
Redux says
This is a solid idea. Definitely don’t give up time with your friends — you need that! Especially when you’re solo parenting for long stretches. But I tend to agree with your DH that it’s not fair to compare him being away for work with you going out for fun. If you can swing a babysitter when he’s out of town, that seems like a great way to compromise– you get a break from parenting and time with your friends, and DH doesn’t feel abandoned when he gets back into town.
OP says
Thanks for sharing this perspective, I’m really surprised that you hire a babysitter in this circumstance. This would never have even occurred to me.
IHeartBacon says
Wow, I just have to chime in that this is such great advice. It never would’ve occurred to me to do this.
Anon says
Remind him that if he wants to make plans and do something for himself, you’d be supportive. But he (apparently) doesn’t, so the whining is unnecessary. Repeat.
I say this with love- I have one of these myself
Anonymous says
I think you tell him “just stop. It’s not a competition. We are both doing our best. If you want to go out with your friends or do something else have fun. I’m going to do the same. Yes. I do thinks for myself. and I always will and that’s ok and I’m not here for your complaints about it.”
mascot says
I agree with this. My husband grumps about this a little. If he wants to make plans and do things, I’m cool with that but he tends not to. At the same time, I try to be careful to not just default to him being my backup for all things child-related. I calendar things ahead of time and check-in when making last minute plans.
Anonymous says
I sort of agree with him that you can’t compare his work travel to you going out with friends. It doesn’t seem fair to him that he never gets to do anything fun solo and you do.
Anon for this says
Believe me, I would be happy if he went out with his friends or did something for himself but he doesn’t want to. He says that given he is already away from the kids a few days a week, the last thing he wants to do is spend another evening away from them.
Thanks everyone for the perspective. It never would have occurred to me to get a babysitter when he is out of town and frankly I know that husband would be against that idea. We don’t have a great date night sitter and it also seems like a waste of money (because I can technically be home and forego my social plans and go instead when husband can watch the kids). But I probably need to get over this mentality and so does he.
Eh says
The heck do you care if husband is against you getting a baby sitter when he is NOT EVEN THERE?? Big fat nope to that. It’s not a waste of money because in addition to buying you childcare, it buys you out of an argument with your husband about you never getting to go anywhere fun, because that’s the alternative.
Anonymous says
It sounds like this is being framed as a competition between you and your husband. But it’s not clear (to me, at least) whether your husband’s issue is that he doesn’t want to solo parent, he wants to see you, or he wants down time. There’s a different way to address each of those concerns, and none of them mean you can never leave the house.
If he’s having a hard time on the nights you go out, maybe there’s something that would make it easier or more fun for him (skip baths those nights, or have them be reeeally long bath nights, a special thing for dinner that becomes a dad tradition, etc.).
If he misses you/family time, then maybe you can try not to schedule for the night after he gets back from out of town, or you can plan more date nights, etc.
If he wants more down time for himself but doesn’t want to go out with friends, maybe he could retreat to the bedroom or office and read or surf the internet or whatever while you handle bedtime one night a week–again, maybe not immediately after you’ve been solo parenting.
Anyways, you get to take care of yourself, and if you need to go out every few weeks, that’s reasonable. But it sounds like your husband isn’t getting something he needs, and he isn’t communicating his needs very clearly.
Anonymous says
This is a great response. I’ve been on both sides of this – the parent at home while DH travels and the parent who travels for work. Ultimately, you just have to come to a compromise that you both can live with. Or if it isn’t going to work long term, figure that out and move on. For us, we relocated to minimize DH’s travel. I’m not saying everyone will need to do something so extreme, but we identified a pattern that wouldn’t work long-term for us. So we changed it.
aelle in aerospace says
My take is that things don’t need to be split in the middle to be “fair”. Would your husband really benefit from an extra night out on his own? Can you realistically do another solo night, or get a babysitter? If yes to both, do it, regardless of how you two spend the rest of your time.
Alternatives to peanut butter says
Anyone find some alternatives to peanut butter that your kids will actually eat? Child is in a peanut-free (but most likely not nut-free although that is still being worked out). I tried sunflower butter which he hated. He really loves peanut butter and honey sandwiches and I’d like to find an alternative.
Anonymous says
Our schools use soy butter. I think it’s a little weird but my kids like it.
Anonymous says
almond butter or wow butter (soy based)
Our oldest is peanut and hazelnut allergic but she’s fine with almonds and pistachios.
S says
Ours loves Barney almond butter – made in a facility free from cross contact with other nuts
Anon in NYC says
I have not tried giving this to my kid yet, but I really like the Artisana Organics raw walnut butter. They mix cashews in with it. I don’t really like walnuts generally, but really love this nut butter. I think it’s insanely expensive, and you could probably make it at home and/or find a cheaper alternative, but that’s the brand that’s available in my local grocery store!
Cashew butter could be another alternative (I don’t really love it).
Anon. says
Couple options to try: No-Nut Butter from Sneaky Chef and Wowbutter. Both have been winners at our house.
Anonymous says
nothing like peanut butter but our replacement default easy sandwich is cream cheese on raisin bread.
Anonymous says
Salami and cheese has been our go-to easy to prep sandwich when camps ban nuts/PB. I can’t handle spending 8/jar on nut butters.
Anon says
Mix a scoop of Sunbutter brand sunflower butter (the best tasting one) with a little bit of Trader Joes cookie butter (which is also nut free) and a pinch of salt. Spread that mixture on the sandwich.
It tastes good and is nut free. My friend with nut allergies in her home shared this trick with me.
Anon says
Where do you keep your baby monitor? We are just starting to use ours and the instruction pamphlet says to keep it 6 feet away from you due to radiation, but it seems annoying to have to get out of bed every time I need to look at it. Is this one of those warnings on a product that they do to avoid liability or is it a real thing I should be concerned about?
Anon in NYC says
I keep it on my bedside table. I didn’t even know that this could be a concern. I’m not sure what I would do with that information!
Anonymous says
+1
Anonymous says
Are you in California? I think this is one of the crazy Prop 65 warnings. It shouldn’t emit any more radiation than a cell phone. Definitely keep the base out of reach of the child though. We have ours up high on a bookshelf, at least 6 feet away from the crib. The cord is a real strangulation risk if they can reach it.
Anonymous says
We had an audio-only one. The unit in the baby’s room was on the shelf across the room from the crib, and the parent unit was wherever. On my nightstand, or on the desk if we were using the computer downstairs, next to us on the couch if we were watching TV.
Turtle says
For those of you with infants in daycare, is anyone else experiencing utter exhaustion leading to what feels like an aggressively early (pre 6:30pm) bedtime?
DD is 4.5 months. She gets home from daycare around 5:30pm and is completely exhausted. We struggle most days to keep her awake through 6:30 pm. Last night we put her down at 6:10pm after falling asleep sitting up in my arms. I feel like this is so early. She’s waking up consistently around 3:30am these days. I’d like to think that if we put her down 90 mins later we might be able to sleep till 5am (I know, I know, it never works that perfectly…but a girl can dream). She cat naps for 30-40 mins 2-3x daily at daycare, which is the same when she is home on non-daycare days (Fri-Sun).
Does this sound normal? Will she ever adjust to the stimulation of daycare and not be comatose within 20 mins of my getting home at night?
Anonymous says
Does she go back to sleep at 3:30 and sleep until at least 6 or so? If so, I’d say you probably just have to live with it. One night waking isn’t abnormal at that age. My daughter is the same age and always wakes about 9 hours after we’ve put her down, wanting to eat.
If she’s only sleeping 6:30-3:30 and then a few 30 minute naps, she needs way more sleep. Infants that age need a minimum of 12 hours, and 14-15 is more common. I’d ask daycare to add an additional late afternoon nap around 3:30 or 4 pm.
Turtle says
Thanks. Just needed to gut check this.
She’s going back to sleep after that overnight feed, thankfully, until about 6:30 am. The waking up doesn’t bother me. I just feel like pre-6:30 pm bedtime is really early, but maybe that’s explained by the fact she isn’t and has never been a big napper during the day.
Anon says
Yeah my kid is the same. 12 hours at night (she just dropped the overnight feed at 6 months), but not much for naps.
Anonymous says
If she goes back to sleep after the 3:30am feed I’d count yourself lucky. My kids didn’t STTN at that age – usually two feedings at least in a 12 hour period. Expecting baby to sleep 7:30pm to 6:30am without waking is pretty rare. At that age, STTN is considered one 6 hour stretch of sleep.
GCA says
Agree – the 3.30am wakeup to feed may be entirely unrelated to the early bedtime, for all you know. If the naps are short, maybe ask daycare to push a bit more for a 3rd nap, or maybe an extra early nap (in the car on the way in, or first thing after drop-off)? I think at that age my son still needed 4 naps occasionally, especially if they were just 30-45 minutes long.
Anon2 says
Later bedtimes work better for my kids and family, so I’d often let infants take a 20 min catnap around 5:30 and then put them to real bed around 8:30/9. But honestly one wake up, after 9 hours, for a baby that young sounds like a dream.
AwayEmily says
This seems super normal. Both my kids started daycare at 4 months. My first had a 6pm bedtime until she was around 9 months. She would sleep from 6pm – 5:30am. My second is 7 months and he goes to bed at 6 as well. He used to wake up at around 4 to eat and then go back to sleep until 6:30 or so, but that slowly started moving later, and these days he wakes up at 5:30 and is usually up for the day.
I’ve been known to put a super tired baby to bed at 5:30 on bad nap days. Ours always seem to get up at the same time regardless so I figure why make them stay up late.
Anonymous says
Our kids started daycare at 8 weeks and up until at least 12 months bedtime was 5:15 on a bad day and 6:00 on an extremely good day. Now, at 18 months, we do 6:00 bedtime on days they’re exhausted, but they’ll stay up until 7:00 sometimes.
My general conclusion is that some kids just need a lot of sleep. Even now our toddlers will go to bed at 6:30pm and still be sound asleep at 6:45am (which is the latest we can let them sleep and still have everyone out of the house at 7:15) so pushing bedtime back just isn’t a viable solution for us and we love with it.
Job offer in different state says
I’ve been given a wonderful job opportunity – but it’s cross-country. I’m very reluctant to go because my family is here. I’m very close with them, and they’ve been a huge help with my small children.
My husband has affection for them, but has said it’s weird and “distressing” that I’d let something like my family play a role in my decision. It’s not like my current situation is dire, and I like my job fine. This other opportunity is great – but it’s not worth it to me to move several states with small children when my family is all here.
I guess I just want validation here. I’m feeling very angry at his attitude.
Anonymous says
I find his attitude really strange. But I’m from an area where people regularly take a career hit to move back here to be closer to family and raise their kids around their cousins/aunts/grandparents. Both DH and I have turned down multiple promotions that would have involved moving away.
Anonymous says
Yeah his attitude is very strange. Local family is a lifesaver if both parents work.
Anonymous says
Yes. This isn’t letting your emotional relationship with your family play a role in your decision (although that’s also totally normal), it’s weighing the practical benefits of having family nearby.
Eh says
Your husband’s disregard of the help your family provides sounds like he doesn’t really know how much they help. I.e., he wouldn’t be the primary caregiver if you moved cross country, so your family shouldn’t play a role in your decision because…. it won’t affect him. YOU will be the one picking up the slack where your family used to help. I would never in a million years move away from my family right now for the exact same reasons as you. But my husband completely agrees because he knows how much we rely on my family. Does your husband know the extent to which they help? Or does he leave all that to you and let you sort it out? (And in that case I DEFINITELY wouldn’t move away from family)
Anonymous says
He’s the weird one.
Anonymous says
On the other hand, something drove you to pursue this opportunity and get excited about it. You knew from the beginning about the geography- it wasn’t something that you found out about in the interview process was it? What’s now causing the change of heart? Was your husband really excited about this new place and now he feels like you’ve done an about-face?
Anonymous says
I think reasonable minds can differ on this one, and both sides are very valid. And, as much as I totally hate to make these generalizations, it doesn’t surprise me that a male would give less weight to staying in area with lots of extended family. In my experience, males just tend to be more adventurous in that regard.
Anonymous says
My husband is very much “let’s move to a different state” because he doesn’t get the value I place on having my family close-by. Granted, they’re not constantly babysitting or anything, but being able to have dinner together once a month and their proximity to us for things like grandparents’ day is huge for me, and I think my kid(S) will benefit from it LT.
Logically, you can make a list of all the things that your family does and try to estimate the cost of outsourcing to another third party (nanny or whatever.) Then tally up the $ in plane tickets you’d spend on visiting, plus vacation time spent etc. But for me, it wouldn’t only be the financial aspects, it would be the emotional side of things – the comfort of having them around.
DLC says
I feel like you both can have personal truths that are in conflict with each other, but it doesn’t make one person right and the other person wrong. (This is what out therapist tells my husband and me constantly because this is something we struggle with). Having said that, it is your career and so, to a large extent is is your decision. And i know when I have to make tough decisions, I get very angry with my husband if he doesn’t agree with me. But is he pushing you to change your mind, or does he just have a different perspective that he wanted to express?
SBJ says
It’s late, but in case you’re still reading–I made a cross-country move with a very small (5 months) child away from both of our families. I wasn’t yet back at work and we weren’t relying on family help at the time, so we didn’t really know what we’d be missing. Now we have a toddler and an infant and my husband is realizing exactly what we’ve given up in choosing to live so far away. (I try not to say I told you so.) We don’t regret the move and can point to many positives about it, but had we gotten accustomed to having family help, I don’t think we would’ve made the same choice.
OP says
These are so helpful, all! I apologize for the late reply – I really appreciate your kind responses.
KateMiddletown says
Third trimester sleep tips?
Discomfort in laying on my side/side of my body falling asleep, anxiety/too amped up to sleep, sciatica, etc. I’ve been taking zzzquil w/ doctor’s okay but I hesitate to do it every night and it doesn’t always knock me out quickly or for long.
Anonymous says
melatonin? Gardening? Either on your own or with DH?
ITLady says
RE: the anxiety / too amped up to sleep I found forcing myself to go up and get into bed and do VERY low key activities helped my third trimester sleep. I started doing more meditation apps during that time for this very reason as well as started a big cross stitch blanket for LO. Gentle yoga at lunch was also helpful for me too with the sciatica and just not getting tired enough by the end of the day. A pre-natal class might help you find some ways you can still get the stretch that is baby friendly.
Edna Mazur says
Sleeping on a recliner with lots of pillow helped with some of my sciatica and general discomfort. Made my pregnancy snoring worse though.
Anonymous says
I’m third trimester as well. Sometimes when I down flat (on my side) my heart races or I get palpitations that make me feel amped up. Sleeping on my back more in an upright/reclined position with tons of pillows propping me up in bed helps a ton with that. As far as pain sleeping on my sides, I find that I just have to switch sides frequently. I tried a pillow between the legs but that didn’t help me much though YMMV. For sciatica, I actually have done some PT that has helped, but I had sciatica even pre-pregnancy.
Anonymous says
4-6 breathing method. Breathe in for 4, breathe out for 6. Keep doing it for as long as you can. I’ve tried other breathing methods. ambien, all kind of tricks — nothing has helped me more than this.
Anonymous says
So sorry, that was in response to the sleeping tips question above.