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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Audrey III says
Have any of you in the DC area worked with a personal stylist? I’m thinking one of those people who will come in, do “What Not to Wear” on your closet, and then help you build a wardrobe with pieces you already have and additional versatile new ones. My office is going casual when we go back, and I am lawyer with a lot of very nice but stuffy law firm clothes (that I have not updated in over four years because just when I felt like I was ready to after kids…bam, COVID) and a bunch of not-so-nice casual clothes that don’t work with each other at all, which I’ve collected from years of doing Stitch Fix and Trunk Club. I’m sick of services like that and willing to pay some money to have someone truly help me update and simplify my clothes.
Spirograph says
I have not, but I’ve thought about it often. Please report back if you work with one you like!
I’ve used the personal stylist service at Nordstrom a few times and that was a good experience; I told her all the relevant lifestyle and office culture things and she found capsule wardrobe-style staple pieces a little more trendy than I would have tried on my own (I appreciate good fashion, but don’t seem to have the eye to create it) plus put outfits together with shoes and accessories. She’d ask “do you have white jeans? what about a moto jacket? what about pointy flats in a bright color?” etc etc and build around that. I did the closet purge on my own, but that was easier than I thought it would be. I haven’t bought any clothes during the pandemic, and in a month when I’m fully vaccinated, updating my wardrobe is on my short list of things to do first!
ifiknew says
Not in the DC area, but need this exact thing. Following with interest. The phrase “I appreciate good fashion, but dont have the eye to create it” describes me perfectly.
Anon says
I’ve tried personal shoppers but have had better luck just buying a coordinated set of clothing from a single store. I just did this from Talbot’s for my “emerging from pandemic” wardrobe. I hadn’t shopped there since I was in a business formal role many years ago, and definitely thought of them as kind of frumpy but was pleasantly surprised by their casual options right now, which are cute (at least for a late 30s mom) and practical. They have lots of different outfit suggestions for each item, so you can shop the whole outfit if it looks good to you.
DLC says
I haven’t, but I live in the DC area and one of my colleagues from my theatre work has pivoted from costume design to offering personal stylist services- from going through closets to shopping to alterations, etc. While I haven’t used her as a stylist, I know from working with her in theatre that she has a great sense of how to achieve a certain look and how to work with different body types. I definitely give her a shout out. I think she might also work virtually these days too.
https://www.tailorpointstyling.com/
Anonymous says
I have not, but TheSHUbox wrote a post about working with Real Life Style. I think they are DC based. https://real-life-style.com/
Building A House says
Just curious if anyone is contemplating building a house now or in the next year or two and, if so, where you’ve landed on it. The cost of lumber is crazy right now. However, due to Covid, it is a seller’s market where we live (and I think nearly everywhere), and we learned yesterday that our house is worth way more than we ever imagined. Interest rates are so low. It is a good time to sell and to take a bigger mortgage. Those two things will offset the increased cost of building. We’re meeting with a builder this week to discuss. He actually helped us design a house plan about 4 years ago, but we decided to put the project on hold to save a little longer. Ultimately I think we’re leaning towards waiting 6-12 months, taking the gamble that lumber will decrease or at least stabilize. Our house value and interest rates shouldn’t move too much in that timeframe, although they might move a bit. Anyone else analyzing this or have input?
anne-on says
I would wait until talking with a builder to make any decisions. We’re having planned work done on our house right now (fun stuff like exterior painting/roofing) and if we had not already locked in our tradespeople we’d be SOL as they are in CRAZY demand right now. Supplies are also very hard to get so everything will take longer than you think.
We’re also starting to consult with designers now for an addition and the lead times they’re suggesting are crazy long right now – 6-12months for major appliance deliveries (longer if you want a popular or unusual color), tile and flooring either way backordered or sold out completely, etc. etc. I can totally understand wanting to sell but you may also need to rent while you wait to build.
Anon says
This is probably highly location dependent, so talk to a realtor that you trust about patterns in your specific neighborhood. But for us, lumber is high because demand is high. Housing prices are high because demand is high. Interest rates are likely to stay low for the next year or two. We’re aiming for 6-12 months so we can build a little more equity in our current home while also saving a bit more, but with the understanding that we’ll likely list our house lower than it’s worth now if the cost of lumber is also lower.
Anon says
DH works in commercial real estate – he’s one of those big job people who’s very good at it so I tend to trust him – and he does not think lumber or building costs are going down. He’d say there’s an entire demographic shift happening that’s also being muddled up with covid/pandemic moves, and the demographics will continue the trend.
So for what it’s worth, he is not letting us budget any decrease in building costs into our reno we’re planning for a year from now. I’d be careful making any gambles around that point.
OP says
I’ve heard this prediction, too.
Anon says
We are trying to buy not build, but our realtor made a good point recently about interest rates – while they are low and that is great, you’re essentially subsidizing the interest rate by paying more for the house (since everyone has more buying power at the moment, until rates go up.) . I sort of knew this but hadn’t thought of it quite that way and it made me feel better about not making a desperation purchase.
OP says
Thanks, all. I should note that we met with our Realtor yesterday to disucss and have a meeting on the calendar with our builder. So we’ll be getting some locally expert advice. I just feel like, pending the meeting with our builder of course, we’re leaning towards building soon rather than waiting it out. We’re a little fortunate from a selling perspective that there is a pretty big housing shortage in our area (I’m in a more rural location).
House says
I have just a few points:
•you may need more cash than you think to build because appraisals are lagging behind the market (which is very hot right now)
•think about where you are vulnerable for a black swan loss. Historically, the market has crashed in the fall. Don’t get caught where you might be selling your old house too long after locking in your contract on your new build. That is where you can get caught buying high and selling low and then lose all your equity. So either plan on renting (possibly even rent back your own house if you can find buyers who will go along with that), or scheduling the commitments/closings close together. You want to buy and sell in the same market, or failing that, at least make sure you sell in the good market.
Good luck!
Sleepy rant says
Can I just take a moment to complain about moms of babies who brag (yes, I’m calling it a brag) about baby sleep? I currently have a toddler and an older baby and have had a bad run of weeks of off and on sickness, ear infections, puking, teething, the works. In both kiddos. I am very sleep deprived and just trying to hold it together.
Meanwhile, I have several new moms around me giving unsolicited advice about how thanks to Cara their (younger) babies sleep 9+ hours a night or whatever and always have slept long stretches. One actually told me she’s only felt “really tired” one day since she’s been back at work. I think it’s all well intentioned and I shouldn’t be so resentful, but gah. I’m done.
I admit I have had semi-hostile feelings toward TCB ever since the whole Trump donor stuff came out, so maybe it’s part of it and I’m being unfair. (Or maybe I actually regret not paying $$$ for the newborn course if it actually works this well??? I’m skeptical)
My only comfort at the moment is reminding myself that even if these babies really are perfect sleepers, no one escapes toddler tantrums. Those come for us all.
Cb says
Ugh, agreed. My kid didn’t sleep through the night until 23 months…except for once when he was 4 months old, we were on holiday, and I was awake all night making sure he was still breathing b/c he never slept for more than 2 hours.
Anonymous says
These moms sound like POOPCUPs.
OP says
Lol, what?
Anon says
Parent Of One Perfect Child Under Preschool age. Basically a parent who hasn’t yet been humbled by the arrival of a second kid or their first kid hitting the threenager stage.
OP says
Ahhh yes pretty much exactly what is happening here now that you mention it.
ifiknew says
HAHAHAH OMG I LOVE THIS PHRASE. The OP”s phrase describes my office perfectly. Everyone runs around acting like their pre-kid self and parenting is so easy because they have One child that is a perfect sleeper with a nanny due to covid so no illnesses and they’re all right around 12 months. Everyone is also pregnant with #2.
Boston Legal Eagle says
ifiknew – this is where I would be thinking “just wait…” a toddler and a new baby is no joke. Yes, I am petty, and wouldn’t say this out loud, but I’d be secretly smiling on the inside.
AnonATL says
We are so lucky that #1 is a great baby. Everyone remarks about how he’s one of the happiest babies they’ve seen. I know when we eventually get around to having #2, he/she is going to rock us with bad sleep and fussiness. Either that or #1 is going to be a terrible toddler.
Anonymous says
Yeah… in retrospect, I was such a POOPCUP, and then easy first baby hit threenager stage right as it was becoming apparent that #2 was much less easy. Their time will come. :)
Anon says
Yeah, but…?
That’s us. Our kid has slept at least 7 hours at a stretch since he was six weeks old. (We used the sleep techniques that I invented, and it worked like a charm. My husband went from thinking I was crazy to thinking I’m a super genius.) He’s a very relaxed, easy toddler. I’m sure life will not always be like this.
HOWEVER, I do not give advice to any parent whose child is outside the womb, because by then, it’s already too late to try what worked for us.
Anonymous says
I feel like “easy baby, difficult toddler” (or the reverse) is pretty common. I had one of those incredibly easy babies who slept through the night at 5 weeks old and never stopped (except when sick or teething) but she’s a very intense, challenging 3 year old.
Anonymous says
Anon@12:38, having an easy baby does not automatically make one a POOPCUP. A POOPCUP believes that their child’s virtues are a result of their superior parenting, and that anyone who does not also have a perfect child is just doing things wrong. If you have an easy child but acknowledge that it’s largely the luck of the draw, you are probably not a POOPCUP.
Anon Lawyer says
Yeah, Anon at 12:38, I don’t think anyone is convinced by your sample size of 1 sleep training program in the womb, which is kind of the point of all this.
Spirograph says
In case you’re not joking: gently, Anon at 12:38, you have one data point, which is not proof your technique worked. You could have just lucked out with an easy first baby. My first baby was (and has always been, 8 years later) a wonderful sleeper. I attributed it to my awesome parenting until I did the exact same things for baby number two and got completely different results. Children are individuals, and babies have a personality right out of the womb.
It’s totally fine to be thankful for an easy kid, and I hope yours stays that way for a good long time, but who knows where the credit is due!
Anon says
This is amazing (and true).
Signed, a former POOPCUP who now has a second child who’s a “no-limit soldier who doesn’t sleep and likes to slap” (per the meme)
anne-on says
We call this the ‘trick baby’ in our family. Like first baby – perfect sleeper! no gas! super easy! It tricks you into thinking all babies are easy and/or that you’re the best parent ever. Then comes second baby who is more difficult to shred all of your confidence.
My SIL’s first was a trick baby. Second was not even that difficult (no colic, no allergies, just not super easy angel baby) and she had a really hard time and at one point apologized for being smug because she thought I was exaggerating, but this was so hard, etc. etc.
JM says
My kids were the opposite. First baby was very difficult (witching “hour” every day, didn’t sleep through the night until 12 months, weight gain issues, feeding problems) and second baby slept through the night starting at 6 weeks. I did not know better and thought all babies were like my first. My first child is now an incredibly difficult threenager.
EP-er says
The original POOPCUP write up for those that missed it:
https://www.scarymommy.com/parents-one-perfect-child-preschool-age/
Also, my kids were crap sleepers until they were 3. Was it my fault? Maybe. Potentially. Probably? I decline to comment on sleep habits since I feel so unqualified.
SC says
I have a theory that every kid has something particularly easy and something particularly difficult. My son was an excellent sleeper when he was a baby. I read about the Ferber method for about 10 minutes on the internet. We tried it, and he was asleep within 20 minutes. We really didn’t have major sleep issues after that until he crawled out of his crib at 2.5. Is that because of my parenting skills? No. Do I have any qualifications to give advice about sleeping? Nope.
Same kid also was almost 4 before he was potty-trained. We tried everything. (Pre-kid, I judged parents who tried everything because they just weren’t consistent enough. Lol.) Was it my fault? Probably. I’ll chime in on threads where someone else has a late potty-trainer, but I decline to comment on training a 2 year old.
Clementien says
I love this entire discussion.
Also, I usually reassure parents to be who panic ‘OMG, what if my kid doesn’t sleep, only eats Mac and cheese, and refuses to be potty trained!’ that… every kid has a thing but rarely does a kid have all the things.
So Kid #1 – didn’t sleep until he was 2, had to be potty trained 3 times, SO LOUD. On the other hand – now sleeps beautifully as a Pre-K kid, was trained through the night at 3, and is so polite and chatty and thoughtful.
Kid #2 – champ of a sleeper as a baby. teething was HELL. Potty trained at 2 like a dream.
And so on.
EDAnon says
It’s definitely kid-dependent. My older one at 4.5 is still not a great sleeper. We did the same (likely less) with our second and he’s an amazing sleeper. Has been since like 6 months old. If our second had bene first, we would have been so full of ourselves!
Anonymous says
100% agreed. Babies are all difficult, just in different ways. Yes, mine sleeps now (at least for the time being, until another tooth starts working its way out), but she also screamed 24/7 for her first 3 months.
Anon says
Solidarity. It’s so hard when everything about babies is about sleep. It felt like every person who talked to me about the baby asked how sleep was going, and it felt like a slap in the face to have to pretend to be okay that sleep was a nightmare. Both of my kids were horrendous sleepers for the entire first year. It was horrible. My sister had a kid at the same times as me, and both of hers started sleeping through the night at like 6 weeks and were dream babies. I was really bitter for both of those years, to be honest.
It turns out every kid will struggle with something, and you just don’t know what yours will be. Mine both essentially potty trained themselves just after age two – literally one day of being pantless and they were good, and even were night trained a week later. We didn’t even use more than 15 pullups for both kids combined. I kept my experience with sleep deprivation in mind whenever I was around other parents struggling with potty training because I knew how hard it is to avoid comparisons.
Your kids will excel at something. Maybe they’ll be the kindest kid on the playground. Or the fastest to talk. Or never bite another kid at daycare. Or whatever. And whatever they’re good at, I guarantee there will be another parent in your life who is bitterly struggling with that same issue.
Anon says
My child has not slept through the night more than 2 consecutive nights ever, and she’s 3.5. So I promise, you’re doing great! Your reaction is the same (maybe less hostile) burning rage I felt when this same child had colic and cried for, I kid you not, 8 hours a day inconsolably (until she turned 5 and a half months old and it was like a light switch turned off) and someone suggested I try one of the eighteen thousand things we had already tried while telling me it’s okay, their baby cries sometimes too.
Anon says
Yep, mine are 3.5 and 5.5 and still up all the time. And now I have a newborn that is an even worse sleeper than the other two were! I’m seriously considering paying for a consultation because why are my kids such bad sleepers.
Meanwhile, my sister’s two kids sleep all night and ask for their naps.
F*** Colic says
Colic solidarity. My goodness those days were hard. I never felt challenged by the toddler years after living through 6 months of newborn colic. Colic parents get humbled early.
Anon says
It varies. Colic was a lot easier for me to deal with than toddler temper tantrums. I felt bad seeing my kid cry non-stop, but I knew there was nothing I could or should be doing to fix it and colic isn’t “misbehavior” so it didn’t make me feel like a failure as a mom the way the toddler and especially preschooler meltdowns did. Different things are hard for different people.
F*** Colic says
OK. Well, thanks for the chiming in with this on a thread where OP was complaining about unhelpful comments from parents who clearly didn’t get it…
Anon says
This. I found myself reminiscing for the 8 hour of crying colic days the other day because there was nothing to fix it (just time) even though it was really loud and frustrating and at least for a moment my kid would sleep (in the swing). Currently battling the same kiddo now as a preschooler who is the textbook definition of a “spirited child”. She will do great things one day, but she might break me first. Colic was so much simpler, and even though it was awful, at the end of the day it was just crying and there was nothing willful about it.
Anon says
I’m not trying to minimize your experience or offer unsolicited advice. I’m just saying that it isn’t universally true that colic humbles people early. Your parenting experience depends on your kid’s behavior (I’m sure there are some exceptions but I think the vast majority of kids are easy in some ways and difficult in other ways) but also depends a lot on what “triggers” you. Listening to a baby cry for hours on end just didn’t make me frustrated or stressed out. I knew that I was doing everything I could and there was nothing to do but let her cry and letting her cry for hours wasn’t doing any permanent damage to anyone. Dealing with a willfully disobedient 3 year old has been much harder for me personally, both because I find the behavior much more irritating and because I’m constantly questioning myself and whether I’m responding in the “right” way. I find it very hard to walk the line between not spoiling a child and not being too authoritarian and constantly second guess myself in a way I never have before as a parent. I definitely think I was a bit of a poopcup until I had a 2.5 year old, despite having a baby who suffered badly from colic as an infant. Just sharing my experience like others in the thread.
F*** Colic says
Well. My spirited toddler was nothing compared to my colicky baby. Slept only 12 or 14 hours. Only in maximum 90 minute chunks. Could not be set down for even a minute. Ever. No swing. No stroller. No crib. Always had to be on me.
Your comments of how your colic was somehow easier to manage than toddler tantrums really strike me the same as the ones from OP’s post where the parents just found Cara super helpful and can’t imagine why OP might be struggling with sleep.
So, uh, again, thanks for your super helpful comments on this thread about this “colic” that was somehow so much easier for you than the toddler years. Your invalidation of my experience while I tried to offer solidarity to someone else is just a masterpiece on reading the room.
Anon says
I wasn’t trying to invalidate your experience and I’m sorry you interpreted my comment that way. Based on the fact that someone immediately chimed in to agree with me, I don’t think I was misreading the room. Lots of discussion here has branched somewhat off topic from the OP’s original comment.
Anon says
Also I’d just like to point that by putting “colic” in quotes with respect to my baby you did precisely what you’re accusing me of, by invalidating my lived experience and suggesting my baby didn’t really have colic since I didn’t think it was The Most Awful Thing Ever. Fwiw, it was actual, pediatrician-diagnosed colic that lasted for months. Maybe yours was worse. I’ve never claimed to have the most colicky baby in the history of the world. But maybe my toddler is more spirited than yours and you have no idea what I’ve dealt with on that front. Or maybe it’s not really about our kids at all and we just have different personalities and react differently to different situations. There’s no way for either of us to know since we haven’t lived each other’s experiences.
Anon Lawyer says
Nobody said your experience was easy. They were just sharing that FOR THEM the toddler years were still harder.
Anon says
So I TOTALLY agree with you if you’re complaining (validly!) about not sleeping, and these moms are offering unsolicited advice and bragging. That sucks and I’m sorry they’re doing that. They need to stop it – regardless of the context, unsolicited baby/parenting advice is not helpful!!!
However, as someone who has had a great sleeper since birth (daytime naps were always hit or miss, but nighttime sleep was always freaking awesome), it cuts both ways. People will ask me how my baby is sleeping, and when I answer honestly, it’s clear that they either think I’m a jerk or think I’m making it up. I was dealt these (admittedly very, very good!) cards, and it doesn’t mean that my baby is winning or that someone else’s baby is losing. I’ve had a very “easy” baby in many respects, and people have absolutely tried to make me feel bad about that after they, unprompted by me, have asked me how XYZ is going.
(And FWIW, baby is the product of IVF, so obviously not everything was easy! Ha!)
Back to you – I’m sorry. They need to stop doing that. And even if you’d tried Cara, or any number of other sleep courses – every baby is different. Yours isn’t sleeping great right now. That is so hard and I would bring you dinner and a breakfast basket and a massive coffee if I could. You’re doing great!!!!!!
Anon says
Agreed, it cuts both ways. How your kid sleep is just luck, mostly, and I don’t think I deserve any credit for my kid’s good sleeping nor would I ever bring it up if someone else was venting about being tired. But it was hard when people would ask me directly how many hours a night she sleeps/how early she slept through the night because there’s no way to answer without people thinking you’re lying or an a-hole.
OP says
No, this is all unsolicited. If I asked I wouldn’t be remotely annoyed if the answer was “great!”
My babies slept better when they were younger than when they were older, so I get that some babies do just sleep well. But I know very few babies who sleep well with an ear infection, tummy bug, etc., so it’s frustrating when they act like it I’d just paid $300 for an Instagram course I wouldn’t have these problems.
OP says
Or $80. Or whatever it is.
ifiknew says
I could not agree more with this. When I complain about my almost 4 year old’s horrible sleep habits almost since birth, people love to ask if I did XYZ or sleep trained, it’s like yes, I have tried everything. Guess what, I alos have a 2 year old who sleeps GREAT and follows all the textbook patterns. It’s truly luck.
OP says
Also I wasn’t actually even complaining to them about sleep. It’s literally just unsolicited and I don’t get it- it’s not an MLM thing I think they’re just really trying to share a product that they love and worked for them. I should be nicer.
Anon says
Yeah, so I have some things I brag on about my kids, but I always follow-up by pointing out they’re terrible sleepers! (They are great eaters – my 4 and 6 year old love oysters and salad? – and we potty train like champs). I think you already know though that for every thing that kids do well, there’s something else that’s a struggle.
I will say, for the people whose kids are good sleepers – I think having good sleepers trumps about everything so it is a little painful to hear about kids who don’t disturb their parents. My 2 year old is teething and was up and crying at 4:30 and it definitely ruined everyone’s day in a way that some other things we struggle with wouldn’t!
anon says
I think having a bad sleeper can really really impact your parenting journey in a way nothing short of having a special needs child can.
Anonymous says
Absolutely. Chronic sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
Anon says
Special needs child is forever (in many cases), sleep deprivation is a few years
Anon says
I agree it’s not the same as a special needs kid, but sleep deprivation can last much more than a few years. Many of the people I know who struggled a lot with newborn sleep are still having problems with their elementary schoolers. If your kids just biologically need less sleep than you, you may be chronically sleep-deprived until they’re teens or at least preteens and you can go to bed before them.
Boston Legal Eagle says
The best thing about having two kids is that I can see with my own eyes that most of what I freaked out about or did or didn’t do when they were babies/toddlers doesn’t really matter and these kids are who they are. Sleep and bfeeding are such sore points when the kids are so little and it is all people with babies can talk or think about (understandably!) But so much of it is out of your control, and when these kids are teenagers, who really cares. And yes, I do secretly think “just wait until your perfect baby is a toddler” whenever a new parent brags about their perfect baby. Just like I’m sure moms of older kids think that about me! I try my best to commiserate with people and celebrate the good moments without bragging.
All that to say, lack of sleep really sucks and I wish you a few days of peaceful rest in the near future.
Anonymous says
“Just wait until your perfect baby is a toddler.” Yup. An older friend has said many times that her oldest was a perfect baby – ate well, slept well, etc. The oldest became a difficult threenager and is now a difficult adult. The youngest, on the other hand, was a terrible sleeper, colicky and spit up a lot for a year, not a great eater, and is now a happy and well-adjusted adult.
Pogo says
Hi friend. I am with you on this crazy train. The 3.5yo is sleeping better but still cries out most nights to be covered or for a tissue. But in a little, whiny voice that we can’t understand, with his thumb in his mouth, so we have to get out of bed and make him repeat it about six times before we know what the heck he wants.
The baby is disastertown, when his brother was this age, kid was crushing 2 2-hour naps and 12 hours of sleep a night. We’re getting 1-1.5 naps if we’re lucky and he wakes up several times a night. But, the older one had a horrendous 4-mo regression that nearly broke me, while this one has been slowly but steadily wearing me down with 2-3 wakeups a night (I only respond to 1 now, but despite what Cara tells you, letting them CIO for x number of days does not mean they will stop waking up and crying at those times! And yes, I tried the motherf-kin dreamfeed!)
anyhooooo, I am applying for two promotions right now and yesterday was on calls from 8-6 with the baby screaming in my ear, so I am with you on being extra bitter.
ifiknew says
So many hugs pogo. Still remember when you were struggling with your older son’s infancy and sleep. Our older kids are almost the same age but my younger one is now almost 2. It will get better. Just brutal combination with the sleep deprivation and work.
Anonymous says
My kid was a pretty decent nighttime sleeper, most likely not due to anything we did*, but he didn’t potty train until he was 3.5 and still has poop accidents at age 8. They all have something.
Anonymous says
Oh and he is an insanely picky eater (what kind of child doesn’t like french fries?) and overweight.
GCA says
Ahhhh, OP, hang in there! That sounds rough. I’m sorry, and please just give yourself permission to do whatever gets you all the most sleep in the moment, at least for the baby year.
Also remember: no one escapes potty training. I have two formerly terrible sleepers: the un-sleep-trainable baby is now an excellent sleeper aged 6 and the one who only took 20min daycare naps is now a pretty decent sleeper aged 2.5, even if she does clamber into our bed at 2am with a full entourage of stuffies every now and then. I remember feeling SO MUCH RESENTMENT when other smug first-time parents would try and tell me why their methods were superior. For the first ~2 years of my first child’s life, every time anyone discussed kid sleep I wanted to cry. (Sleep deprivation makes you emotionally fragile, what can I say?!) But I get a nice frisson of schadenfreude when I chat with one of those baby-sleep braggarts about potty training and casually say, ‘Oh, ours were the easiest potty trainers ever, and the toddler just dropped her night diapers. Don’t worry, you get the kid you get, y’know?’ The point is not that my parenting is any better or worse – the point is that it truly is luck of the draw. Plus, nine times out of ten, a kid will challenge you in some way, whether that’s picky eating or sleep or potty training or behavior or something else. Most people’s parenting is Perfect until they have a toddler, so they get their comeuppance sooner or later…
Why? says
Can I just rant about clothing manufacturers s*xualizing girl toddler clothes for a minute here? I bought my 2 year old a rashguard and bottoms set from Carters/OshKosh (needed jammies from there anyway) and the bottoms are so high cut they look like bikini bottoms. Come on Carters/OshKosh, my kid is 2.
It looks like primary has some more modestly cut separates so I can get a better bottom to match the rashguard. (I do like the rashguard.) But why does this have to be so hard? Maybe the lesson here is buy more stuff from Primary?
Anon says
It gets so much worse when they get into girls sizes. My 3 year old wears girls size 6 and we have the hardest time finding her clothes that cover her body. Old Navy (which was our go-to when she was still in 5T) has been the worst offender lately but many stores have crop tops and ultra short shorts for girls. Plus the patterns are not nearly as cute when you outgrow toddler, they look like miniature versions of adult clothes instead of cute kid clothes. Primary and Boden are the best options I’ve found but they’re both fairly expensive and their styles although both cute are so different that it’s really hard to create a wardrobe that blends those two brands.
Anon says
It gets even more fun when your 3.5YO is already wearing girls’ size 8, so you are sorting through the same clothes in size 8 that preteens wear in size 12-14. I miss the toddler clothes so much.
AwayEmily says
Swimsuits are absolutely what gets me, too. Especially for toddlers, boys swim stuff is so much more practical. In a swim trunk and rashguard you can go directly from pool to playground to beach without getting sand in your nether regions or getting burned going down a slide. More coverage, more comfortable. I have dressed my 5yo daughter in boys swimming stuff since she was a a baby and am planning to do so until she objects.
Anon says
Yep, my 3 year old daughter wears rash guards and boys swimming trunks because I want the extra sun protection. I won’t stop dressing her this way until she complains.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I may offend someone here but I shudder when I see little girls in a bikini style top and a bikini style bottom for swimming. Little girls and boys basically have the same bodies pre-puberty, why do the girls need to show so much more skin?! Effin patriarchy.
Anon says
Agree on the bikini…but until like 15 years ago boys didn’t wear shirts at all, and rash guards are a relatively recent thing. It’s still crazy to me to think that boys were sent out in the blazing sun half bare! My boys look naked with no shirt on.
NYCer says
Not shuddering and definitely not offended, but I really do not see the issue with young girls wearing bikinis. My daughters sometimes wear them, and I honestly see nothing sexualized about it. They are little kids and (IMO) look cute!
For what it is worth, my husband is French, and many/most of the little girls in France (e.g., my nieces) don’t even wear tops at all when they are little. (Going along with your point that girls and boys basically have the same bodies pre-puberty.)
Anonymous says
My issues with little girls wearing bikinis are (1) sunscreen and (2) if there is nothing to hold the top in place, it rides up and twists around.
Jeffiner says
I always preferred the bikini bottoms for easy trips to the potty. I do prefer the sun protection of a rashguard on top, but don’t mind the look of the bikini tops.
GCA says
+1 on the swimsuits. For proper sun protection, I usually get these one-piece swimsuits with sleeves and legs, almost like a shorty wetsuit, for my kids – kind of like this: https://www.decathlon.com/collections/swimming-kids-gear/products/baby-girls-shorty-swimsuit-kloupi? (And yes, both kids get hot pink for high visibility at the pool…) If we’re doing a pool to playground/ beach outing, the toddler goes in her brother’s old swim trunks and a swim shirt.
Anne says
Agreed! The shorts are all sooooo short. Like give me some sun/slide protection please.
Anonymous says
Those high-cut bottoms must look great with a swim diaper.
Why? OP says
I know, right?! That’s a whole other rant – why does diaper room end at 2T? How many kids toilet train before they’re ready for 2T clothes? I am willing to bet cash money only a small minority! (They would have to be fairly small for their age or train really early!)
Anonymous says
My experience was the opposite–there was diaper room in anything sized “T,” which meant that my kid’s pants were always falling off until she grew into a girls’ size 4 at age 5.
No Face says
Land’s End is a good source for more appropriate swim bottoms, including swim shorts for girls.
AnonATL says
I got an email that they are having a swim sale today for anyone interested.
Nope says
Yes, this is a huge thing that bugs me. One of my daughter’s friends gave her a swim suit as a present. It was a string bikini for a 4 year old. Nopenopenopenope.
Anonymous says
Omg!
Anonymous says
Agree on Lands End swim. Also try H&M. Also, we stick to biker shorts for non-swim warm weather. Cat & Jack especially has a longer length that works well. Kiddo is 5, and this is her first year having “big girl” shorts. We have one pair from JCrew Factory (the common scalloped ones), and a pair of denim shorts from Gap. She loves them because they have pockets. We’ll wear them for nicer outfits but every day play wear is the long biker shorts.
AwayEmily says
We also repurpose a lot of pants/leggings/jeans into cutoffs once they get holes in the knees, which I like doing because we can control the length.
So Anon says
Solidarity. Trying to find a few swimsuits for my 7, almost 8, year old little girl. What is with all the cut-outs, one shoulder, one-pieces. She is 7. There is zero reason that there should be cut-outs on her bathing suits! I like the two pieces because it makes it easier for her to go to the bathroom, but I still want full coverage. Ugh
avocado says
Athleta Girl sells bottoms and tops separately. The tankini tops and rashguards provide good coverage.
Anonymous says
I was going to recommend Athleta Girl too. Very cute prints as well. I wish they made the same prints in adult sizes.
Sleepy Mom says
Has anyone overcome burnout while working fulltime with little kids?
I am completely exhausted. I was exhausted before the pandemic and the pandemic made it much worse. I am contemplating quitting my job, but if there is a way to move forward from burnout without quitting I’m open to trying that first. Any wise words?
Anonymous says
No advice, just commiseration. I’ve almost quit multiple times in the past few weeks; and would have if I weren’t the primary breadwinner.
Anon says
I took a month of mental health leave (and kept sending my kid to daycare). It was great, although now that I’m back at work nothing much is different. My overall mental health is improving but that’s due to vaccines and being able to see friends and loved ones again and indulge in more self care. I’m still feeling very burned out at work and resentful of how my employer treated its employees (especially parents) during the worst of the pandemic. My husband just got a promotion that came with a big raise and a lot more job security, so I’m probably going to leave my job sometime this year, but want to try to stick it out for a bit longer.
Anonanonanon says
A week off to catch up on sleep and Wellbutrin. Not being snarky re: the Wellbutrin, I’ve just accepted I’m not in a season of my life I can get through without some medical help.
onlyworkingmomintulsa says
I also started Wellbutrin last April when working from home and schooling from home were too much to handle. Not sure when I will get off of it, but it has really helped!
Spirograph says
Take some sick days, or arrange a longer leave if you can. Mental health is health. I know it feels like work will just pile up while you’re gone, and maybe don’t take a week off right now if you’re a CPA, but a day or two of really unplugging made a big difference for me. Ideally you need to get the kids out of the house for these sick days, so if you don’t have a daycare center, either coordinate with your childcare provider to give you several hours alone or splurge on a hotel room for a day.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes – take some days off here and there. I have busy seasons that I can more or less predict so when things slow down a bit, I take random Fridays off, with kids still in daycare, to do some errands and mostly relax around the house. In this season of my life (full time job and two little kids), this is more recharging than a “vacation” with my whole family would be.
I’ve also just accepted that this is just an exhausting season of life. Little kids are just exhausting (at least for me)! I hope that the older years are a little less physically exhausting but for now, I just focus on work, then childcare, then zone out in front of the TV, then sleep and repeat.
Pogo says
I have a comment in mod in response to the above about kids not sleeping but yeah. I love my job and my family and I’m gonna keep going, but I was on a “how to overcome burnout” webinar call the other day and my 3 year old was running around yelling and getting into stuff in my office while I was getting nastygrams in my inbox. And the webinar was like “Make sure you drink enough water and exercise!” Sure, right. That’ll do it.
Anon says
I was able to lean out for about 2-3 weeks (deal lawyer) (seriously, I’ve billed maybe 25 hours in two weeks just due to deal flow being slow and not raising my hand for more after a very, very busy last 15 months, although it is starting to pick up again), at the same time my daughter started going back to her part-time preschool three days a week (so ~12 hours of outside care on top of DH being a SAHD, which helped his burnout too from us all being together fulltime (very Covid careful) with me working crazy hours). We also rehired housekeepers on a weekly basis and added laundry. I’ve added a couple of late afternoon walks during the week with DD, and I have been sneaking in a 30 minute nap post-lunch (still WFH and I just block my calendar). I am still feeling burned out, but it’s more manageable (e.g., close to precovid levels due to a BigLaw job and a small kid) and I don’t want to quit my job anymore and am excited about the new work coming down the pipeline, so that’s something. So maybe lean out, and use some vacation for a staycation and keep your kids in care, and throw money at extra help (house cleaning, meal delivery or takeout) and use that extra time to rest, then re-evaluate in a month.
Sleepy Mom says
Thank you for your comments everyone. I’ve done all of this and more, so I think that I will accept what my mind and body are telling me. Time to think about what I want my next chapter to look like.
Anonymous says
I should probably be ashamed to admit this in a group of overachieving women, but my answer is put in 50% effort, if that, and wait for them to fire me. I damn near worked myself to death during the six months without childcare and my body and mind need to recover from that in a way that just isn’t possible to achieve through the occasional day or week of vacation time.
Anonymous says
No shame, this is me, too. My boss has floated so many opportunities my way in the last 6 months, and I keep declining. I’m not proud of it, but I’m also not sorry.
Anonymous says
I think your 50% is a lot more effort than my 50%, ha. I’m not just turning down promotions and things like that, I’m basically doing as little work as I can possibly get away with without getting yelled at on a daily basis.
Realist says
If anyone is entrepreneurial, looks like the market really needs someone who can help working moms put together post-pandemic capsule wardrobes….
Anonymous says
Sort of. It’s an ongoing work in progress. Three of the most helpful things are: 1) if you’re not a people manager is to take every second Friday off work until you’re not burned out. 2) Schedule vacation every year; for me, I take 1 per quarter, and disconnect by informing my leadership team, business partners and team about it way ahead of time. 3) Find a work schedule that works. For me that looks like 6am-4pm with a pomodoro app to keep me productive. We all work differently, so keep trying different things until something works…and share what you tried so we can all try too!
Anonymous says
My 3 year old still lets me pick out her outfits but has started insisting on picking out MY outfits. It’s adorable and hilarious. Fortunately I WFH so no one sees her more “creative” outfit choices.
Anon says
I let my kids get me dressed for a night out the other night (backyard party at a friends – everyone’s vaccinated!) She pulled out sparkly heels, a black sheath dress and pink statement earrings. It was fabulous.
I wore a maxi dress but wore the heels and earrings out the door and changed to more casual in the car :)
Anon says
My 3YO picks out DH’s shirts in the morning. He’s a SAHD, but was grumbling this morning that she likes bright colors (he usually sticks to black and navy, but the past week has been red, bright green and teal). I just find it adorable, except when she tells me to “wear the pink dress” and the pink dress no longer fits due to my Covid 15, sigh.
So Anon says
My youngest has a better eye for things than I do, which is great and slightly demoralizing. Back when I used to go to the office, she would hang out in my room as I was getting dressed and had no problem giving very honest and in the moment feedback.
Anon says
Any suggestions for what to ask for for my birthday and/or Mother’s Day? I generally prefer experiences to stuff but there are some people asking for suggestions for physical things they can get me. I read a lot, but prefer to get my books at the library or used book sales. I’m not much into clothes or beauty. I don’t really drink and I feel like “fancy” foods that you mail order are rarely worth it (except See’s, but my husband got me that at Valentine’s Day). I don’t like cooking. I like flowers but have a monthly Bouqs subscription. I feel guilty for being so hard to shop for, but I genuinely can’t think of anything I want.
Anonymous says
I’d ask for the See’s! Presumably the Valentine’s Day box is long gone.
Anonymous says
Fancy food that isn’t “worth it.” It’s a gift.
Anon says
should i assume these are people who don’t like to buy gift cards? bc if you don’t like to cook – a giftcard for takeout sounds like a nice gift to me? you say you aren’t much into clothes or beauty, but is there anything that needs replacing – like i’ve noticed all of my leggings/workout pants that i’ve been living in over the past year have extremely faded knees so i’m thinking of replacing those
Anon says
Do you have wireless phone chargers? I did not realize how annoying having to plug in was until DH switched me to a couple of wireless chargers in my favorite spots at home and for work.
How about good wireless noise cancelling headphones (my lifesaver while WFH and even while just doing chores to be able to actually tune out my family and get some “me time” even though we’re all still in the house all the time together).
If you like flowers, could they pick you up two pots of pre-planted annuals you can just set outside the front door for instacolor all summer with no work other than some occasional watering involved?
If you like to (actually) garden and it’s still bulb planting season, some fancy bulbs you could plant in the yard (my mother’s day present last year was some peonies)?
Anonymous says
Vosges chocolate. It’s worth it.
anne-on says
I highly recommend ordering directly from a flower grower if you can – I use Grace Rose Farm and the roses smell amazing! Like will scent my entire house for a good week.
What about goldbelly for some local treat that you miss or can’t get? Like philly cheese steak kits, or cheesecake from NY, or chicago deep dish pizza?
I LOVE (but am particular about) candles/perfumes and would be very pleased with a new candle from a preferred line (Nest, Jo Malone) or one of the perfume samplers at Macys?
Because I also adore pearls – Kojima Pearls is having a sale!
EP-er says
I asked my husband for this cheese/chocolate/wine tasting experience. (Mother’s Day/Anniversary gift) It is a local place we love and they are doing it on zoom. I figure one ticket should be enough for the two of us to share.
https://mongersprovisions.com/collections/mongers-club/products/second-annual-mothers-day-tasting-featuring-cheese-and-chocolate-pairings-public-tasting-5-6-2021
If this one is too pricey, there might be something similar locally?
Anonymous says
OMG I want this.
Beach bound says
Has anyone done an interval ownership vs timeshare? Essentially, 20ish people buy a stake in a vacation property (3 br condo in this case ~12k) and share costs for property management and utilities. You get a fixed week and an opportunity to purchase an additional week. We are about to put down $2k on this summer’s trip in the same location, and this has definitely piqued my interest. Would love any thoughts if you (or your family of origin) did this.
Realist says
No way would I do this unless I really trusted the people I was going in with. I don’t have 20 people I would trust that much, so I wouldn’t do it. Developing and enforcing the rules, allocating maintenance and repair costs, getting money back if you need to sell, etc, it would all be a nightmare.
Anonymous says
My cousins did this with a bunch of their friends — I think it worked great for a few years but then got to be a hassle to coordinate everyone, people were slow to pay each other back for things, and it got contentious and they ended up agreeing to sell. Just one data point but be sure to factor in things like that when considering the costs.
Anon says
This sounds like a nightmare to me, especially the coordination with the other 20 people. I can’t decide if it would be worse to do with family/friends or strangers. The strangers might be totally cray, but I feel like going in on it with family or friends could really destroy previously close relationships.
I’m a huge timeshare skeptic. If I wanted to vacation in the same place annually, I’d buy a place and pay someone to list it on VRBO from when I wasn’t using it (expecting not to make much profit but to cover taxes and maintenance costs). At least that way you have an appreciating asset you can sell or move into in retirement. Or honestly, just not buy property and stay in the same hotel/Airbnb rental every year. I remember my financial advisor once telling me that for most people renting is cheaper, especially if you value your time at a reasonable hourly rate, which I’m assuming most of us do.
Pogo says
+1 to your last point. Unless you want to go to the vacation home every weekend nearly year-round, it is probably still way more cost effective to rent a really nice place every year rather than buy. I love the idea of a beach home, but it’s just another home to maintain and deal with.