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I’m a longtime fan of Eileen Fisher’s classic, timeless designs. One of my favorite pieces is a lovely charcoal gray, wool open cardigan with leather sleeves I bought when I was pregnant with my now 6-year-old — it looked fabulous when I was pregnant and fabulous now.
The Organic Cotton Silk Elbow-Sleeve Cardigan is along that same line, but for spring. I completely agree that it’s an “effortless layer” that will work well with countless things in your closet.
I could see pairing it with a simple black dress such as the one from Bumpsuit I discussed on Monday. The open front and boxy shape would flatter almost everyone, and it has a pair of practical patch pockets.
I’m also trying to do my part to reduce textile waste by reselling, donating, or recycling clothes I no longer need. Eileen Fisher, in addition to their numerous efforts to be a good corporate citizen, also takes back their old clothes to be resold or remade.
The cardigan is $248 and and available in XXS–XL.
Halogen has a couple of more affordable options in both regular sizes (on sale for $31+) and plus sizes ($69).
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
AnonATL says
My search skills are failing me this morning. Did someone on here recommend some sort of baby feeder/teether that you could put pureed frozen fruit/vegetable in during teething? My little guy was not happy at dinnertime last night which is normally his favorite.
Anon says
Google Munchkin Fresh Food Feeder. Links here take too long to post. Boon also makes a silicone one, but that one is better for purées. Warning that the mesh ones are annoying to clean but it’s a short phase and they are cheap
AnonATL says
Thank you!
Anon Flyover says
I used the Oxo Tot Silicone feeder with my third baby recently and it was a huge improvement over the old mesh. Easy to clean!
Denver says
I’d love to hear stories of when you came to complete peace about your decision to be done having kids. Please and thank you!
Anonymous says
So we had planned to be one and done, but I wasn’t at peace with that until kiddo was close to 5. I just realized that I don’t have the stamina to have a newborn again and was very happy with how our lives were so much less restricted now that kiddo was older. I had a lot of anxiety when kiddo was young that I really don’t want to repeat.
No Face says
The stamina issue is exactly it. I don’t have another round of pregnancy, birth, recovery, and nursing while working full-time in me. I’m tired!
That said, as my bio kids get much older I plan to adopt from foster care, which will have different challenges.
Anonanonanon says
Yes life was so amazing with 1 who was 5! And got better every year! (I did have a second but they’re 8 years apart, and part of me mourns the freedom of just having one older kid). Your family has some fun time ahead :-)
Anonymous says
Aw, thank you. That is so sweet!
Anonymous says
My youngest will be 5 this summer, husband got snipped 2 years ago, and this is the best decision to preserve our sanity and start moving toward financial goals activities that are fun with bigger kids but not babies, etc. I’m really glad we didn’t have a child under 3 during pandemic shutdowns. I don’t really want to be pregnant or deal with an infant again, and I love my family the way it is. But I wanted n+1 kids, and that niggling feeling might never go away. I’m at peace with not being at peace with it, if that makes sense.
anon says
My story is a bit different, but I came to peace with it while pregnant with our youngest kiddo. At one time we considered having three kids, I’d had a miscarriage and secondary infertility, and I just could not see putting myself through that again. I think this is so personal, though.
Anon says
so we’d always planned on 1or 2 kids, but ended up with twins so the decision was made for us. when they were first born it was soo soo hard and i had horrible ppa/ppd and i would tell myself that at least i got two for one and never have to do this again. But now they are three and they are little kids and not babies anymore and many of my friends who had kids when we did are having their second, including some people who we met through our twin group who are having their third and i find myself yearning for a baby and jealous when they announce pregnancy. But deep down i know i don’t really want another kid
AIMS says
I think of this as my nostalgia for when my kids were babies and I was a little bit younger. At least for me, it’s really hard to separate how happy and good I felt when my kids were just born (especially my first) with how I imagine that I will feel with a third. But then I see my kids bicker nonstop or I stay up one night with one of them not sleeping and I think nope, don’t need to add a third to that!
Anon says
Yeah I’m good with my one child but I’m very nostalgic for newborn snuggles and nursing. I think Covid has made it worse because I can’t even cuddle friends babies. What I really want is to hold a newborn for a couple hours and then give him back to his parents. ?
Anonymous says
I had hyperemesis that lasted nine months. I remember the moment I was certain I could never be pregnant again very clearly. It was a very hot summer day in the middle of the second trimester. I had been overwhelmed with nausea walking down the stairs and was lying across the steps because I couldn’t make it all the way to the bottom.
anne-on says
Oof, this resonates so clearly. I also had hyperemesis and traveled throughout my pregnancy and joked that I knew the closest bathroom to the gate in all my regular airports because that was my first stop as I waddled off the plane. I then had a complicated delivery with a hard recovery to top it off. I was laying on the couch when my son was maybe ~6mos old (and I was back at work) and telling my husband ‘I’m done, I just can’t go through another pregnancy knowing it’ll be like it was before, it’s just not possible’. He kind of said, oh well, we can talk about it later, and I just sat up and looked at him like, no, that was not a discussion, I.AM.NOT getting pregnant again. I know we said we wanted 2 but it’s not happening. To his credit he totally understood where I was coming from and we’re now quite happily 1 and done. We sort of toyed with the idea of fostering, but frankly with 2 working parents and no local support I think 1 is our limit.
Anonymous says
I agree that local support plays into it. We have none, and before we even had kids, I remember telling a coworker that we’d probably have already had kids if we had local support. But as it was, we knew we wanted to dedicate 100% to our careers for longer to get us where we wanted to be financially.
Anon says
Local support is actually a factor (though definitely not the only one) in us not planning on a second. My parents are moving to our city soon and plan to watch our preschooler frequently on weekends, cover school closures, take her for a week at a time so we can have an adult vacation, etc. They’ve made it very clear that they would not be willing to watch a baby or young toddler. I’m not even sure they would take two older kids at once. I think my parents are kind of extreme in that way (I’m an only child, so more than one kid is outside their comfort zone, plus they’re 70, so on the older side), but I do feel like it’s pretty common for grandparents to be more comfortable taking care of one older kid than two, especially when the younger one is still a baby or toddler. So having more kids may mean you can’t take advantage of family help as much, at least while your kids are little.
anon says
I would say I’m mostly at peace. I had hyperemesis with my second pregnancy and can’t imagine doing that again and the strain it would put on my husband and other two kids. So I had my tubes tied when number 2 was born by c section. Also, kid 1 has special needs and we worried about having the capacity to meet her needs as they may change and evolve over her childhood. There’s a part of me that wants a big raucous household but realizing I’m content with how our life looks and that any more would require major changes is what has given me peace. Also I think medically making the decision for myself was good. I know it was the right decision and I can’t vary it (absent adoption).
Anonymous says
I always thought I’d be one and done (I’m a very happy only child and one seemed right for us for a variety of reasons) and when they put my daughter on my chest in the hospital I felt like our family was complete, but I wouldn’t say we were 100% done until my kid was 3.5 or so. A variety of things happened around then that made my decision feel permanent. My friends had all had their second kids and some were starting to get pregnant with #3 so there was less angst about my family looking different than theirs (no way in h e l l was I having three), we had reached the point where even if we got pregnant immediately the age gap between the kids would be unusually large, and my daughter was much easier to travel and go places with and I had no desire to go back to the stage of a needy newborn or a toddler who needs to be watched like a hawk. In addition, 2.75-3.5 or so was by far the hardest parenting stage for me and cemented my desire to stop at one. My daughter was a pretty easy baby and toddler, mainly because she was an excellent sleeper and pretty verbal so we didn’t have a lot of “I’m screaming because I can’t communicate” meltdowns. But she’s extremely strong-willed and that phase around 3 was ROUGH. Until 2.75, I had occasional twinges of ‘she’s so easy and fun, maybe we should do this again’. I didn’t really *want* another but felt sort of guilty about not having another because I was enjoying parenting so much and thought my kid(s) were sure to turn out so great, as arrogant as that sounds. Those feelings vanished when she hit the back end of the 2s and by 3.5 we were starting to come out of that rough phase and I was 150% sure I never wanted to do it again. DH got the snip just before her 4th birthday.
Anonanonanon says
I was on the fence about a second but my husband is not the biological father of my first and took on AT LEAST half of the parenting for him without ever a complaint and I knew he wanted another. So, after agreeing I would basically be the dad (a good one who does my fair share but like.. not the first person the daycare is going to call to leave work and not doing and “leaning out” professionally, I took enough hits with all that while single-momming my first) I had a second. Obviously love her more than anything in the world but am 100% done. I just never felt a hole that needed to be filled, even after my first. Now, we don’t want the financial and logistical ramifications of a third.
Walnut says
Cancer has made my decision for me, but I’m still not totally at peace with it. If my body could handle it, I think I’d have 1-2 more kids (currently have 3). My husband feels similarly.
Anon says
<3 How are you doing Walnut? I've been thinking about you!
Walnut says
Just got my ‘No Evidence of Disease’ news today. Literally, the best day I’ve had in a long time.
Anon says
That’s amazing!!! Congratulations!
avocado says
What wonderful news! Congratulations!
Anon says
Congrats!!!
Spirograph says
What fantastic news! congrats
Clementine says
AHHHH!!! I’m literally tearing up!!
You and I have been around for a long time, having kids of similiar age and… if you were closer you would have gotten (several) lasagnas.
Walnut says
So true, Clementine. Its amazing how I feel like I “grew up” around a lot of people in this community.
Katala says
I was on the fence until around the time my youngest turned 3, followed shortly by the covid shutdown. I honestly thought we were done and I was happy with 2 and how much easier it was becoming with them playing together independently, etc. Then a major shake up to my career plans happened, and I/we reevaluated a lot about our lives. Quarantine actually made us realize we’d like another kid. Now that I’m pregnant with #3 we sometimes talk about adding a 4th to even out the numbers. Probably just hormones and excitement, and I think I’m to old for another pregnancy, but I guess now I feel like nothing is out of the question. Not exactly what you asked, but what I thought was complete peace really wasn’t, or least wasn’t permanent.
anon says
Curious what you mean when you say that you think you’re too old for another pregnancy. Are you referring to odds of successfully conceiving & carrying pregnancy to term, or that you think you’d be too old to be up for it?
We’re debating 2 vs 3 kids, and 3 would mean I’m 44 for the pregnancy and 44/45 for the birth. It would be via IVF (same as the first two), and we have enough embryos frozen that ability to have a third is a statistical likelihood, and so far I’ve had easy, uncomplicated pregnancies/births. Part of me thinks go for it, and part of me thinks maybe that’s pushing it? Kid #1 was born when I was 40 so they’d all be close in age.
Anonymous says
“Too old” isn’t just about the numbers. It’s about how you feel. Maybe you won’t be too old for another child at 44, but I’m 44 and can confidently state that I’m too old.
Anonymous says
I’m 37 and I can confidently say I’m very close to feeling too old to think about another child. A man’s AirBNB host profile I was looking at the other day mentioned being 52 with 8 and 9 year old children. DH and I were debating whether we might feel like we have enough energy in 5 years to have a baby if we had been carefree, child-free adults up to that point, and concluded exhaustion is tied more closely to number of kids than to age. :)
Anonymous says
I am about to turn 37 and I am too old for another child. But I have 3. I just this past year lost all the baby weight. I firmly believe if I were 37 and having my first, I’d feel way differently!
Katala says
Yeah, I just feel like my body and energy levels are “too old” for me, personally. I’ve been very lucky to conceive easily so that’s not the part I’d be concerned about. I’m turning 40 a couple months after this one is due and that seems like a line to me. Maybe I’ll feel differently later, but I already feel like we’re pushing it in that pregnancy and likely the newborn phase feels even harder this time and I also look down the road to when we’ll be empty nesters and would like not to push that out much more. It’s totally personal decision, just like how many kids to have.
Mary Moo Cow says
Mine was in the hospital when our second was born. I had a thought, clear as a bell, “Now our family is complete.” And when she was a few months old, I was packing up clothes she had outgrown to give to a friend, I smelled them, and then packed them up with a smile. But flash forward 3.5 years, and watching 4 people I know have a third baby, I had a wobble. DH and I recently talked about it and decided that if I hadn’t had a busted ovary and invasive surgery to remove it 2 years ago, we might have considered trying for a third baby, then, but that ship has sailed. Adding a third baby now, when our youngest is almost 4, and our kids are so close, and we’ve prioritized spending on private school and retirement and college savings and a nice house and comfortable lifestyle: our lives would really change. So, I’ve made peace with it, but I would by lying if I said I didn’t wonder “What if?” sometimes.
ElisaR says
everyone is certainly different. I always knew I wanted to be a mother but it started to look like it might not happen for me. I was fortunate enough to have 2 babies at 38 and 40 years old and honestly, it was a surprise. The best surprise ever, but I really started to accept that it might not happen for me. In the delivery room during my 2nd c-section the doctor told me due the way my first c section healed, there was a lot of scar tissue. My uterus was spread very very thin with the second pregnancy, dangerously so. She said if I were to go for a 3rd I would have to be under very close observation and likely have a c-section earlier than 40 wks and she kind of discouraged me from a 3rd. That was enough for me, I am just thrilled with the fact that I have 2 sons. I’m done and haven’t thought twice about it. Oh also I’m totally overwhelmed by life as it is and I can’t possibly do more.
Realist says
I hold space for myself and my complicated feelings. I don’t feel pressure to be at peace with it, honestly.
I 100% know that my child will be an only child. DH and I are both set on this. But I still allow myself to feel sadness or even guilt that there will never be a sibling, no cribs or strollers in the house ever again, etc. I would have similar complicated feelings if we had landed on adding a second baby (what have I done?! career regrets, frustration with the baby clutter and night wakings, etc).
I could be off base here, but maybe forgive yourself or make grace for yourself for sometimes wanting more kids even if your family has already decided not to add more children. In the same way every member of the family would have to come to terms with a surprise baby that will be added to the family (with maybe some members of the family having an easier time with this than others), it is a process to come to terms with not having another baby (with maybe some members of the family having a harder time with this than others). You don’t have to feel 100% ok with it all the time and that is ok. Just because you and your partner have jointly made the decision and agree it is the best one fir your family doesn’t mean it is always going to feel like the best decision in all moments of everyday of your life. Which would be true of any decision we make, the family/motherhood decisions can just feel so much heavier at times.
Anon says
I agree with this. I’m in therapy for the opposite problem (I always wanted 2 kids, and kid #2 was twins, and I’m just sad about it). My therapist said that instead of tring to be ‘at peace’ focus on ‘getting to neutral.’ Switching the goal for me was really really helpful for me for now, and I think has put me on a longer-term path to being at peace.
Anonymous says
We had thought about 3 or 4. We had our 2nd and she was HARD. We decided right then that if we were going to have 3 we wanted to do it ASAP because once we got over the hump with #2 we would never want to go back. We had 2 of the same sex and decided that we can’t have #3 to get a boy. How would life look with 3 girls? What about only 2? We decided to go for it and got pregnant quickly. The pee hadn’t even dried on the stick when I was already fantasizing about giving away the baby stuff. Youngest is 4 now and I have been purging as she grows with reckless abandon. I had no second thoughts about ANYTHING. DH got snipped when youngest was 9 months old.
We were sort of….sad? about him getting snipped but not because we wanted anymore kids. Just because it was so final. Likewise, the only thing I can’t bear to throw away is the Boppy pillow they all used. I’m trying to figure out how to turn it into a stuffed animal or something.
I know we are over it because I frequently run into newborn babies and I feel the little tug to hold and snuggle them…but not at all to take it home and stay up all night feeding it. Not even a little bit. Our family is totally complete with 3 kids (all girls). They are all different and fun in their own way. If by miracles of modern science we had a whoops baby then we would keep it, love it, and I’m sure feel the more happier for it, but it is not an unmet need. Likewise, if we added a family member through foster or adoption we would do it with an older child out of necessity- but we are not drawn to it.
Bean74 says
It took us a long time to even come around to the idea of trying for a baby. It took three years and a miscarriage before we had our son. After a fairly traumatic delivery (3 hours of pushing, shoulder dystocia at the end, and postpartum blood pressure issues) I was set on only having one. Then we from the Midwest where most of our family live to the mid-Atlantic and I couldn’t wrap my head around having another without family close by.
Our son is four now, and I’m sad that he won’t have any siblings. But, I’m currently helping my sister with her three boys while she’s waiting to deliver her fourth and I realized I’m very much at peace with the decision to stop at one.
Anon says
My almost three year old gets into this trance like state when listening to music. Like she can just sit and listen without doing anything else and you might have to call her name twice to get her attention. Is this normal? I will say that DH is a music aficionado, but he can focus on other things
Anonymous says
That’s cool! All genres of music, or just specific genres or specific songs? My kids don’t do that, but they do focus intensely on other things in the same way. My vote is normal.
Anonymous says
Another vote for normal and awesome!
No Face says
Good for her! I don’t hear people call my name when I’m reading a novel. As in, someone can stand right next to me and scream my name five times before I realize it.
Realist says
My thought was that this is normal in that it is not an alarming thing that should worry you, but maybe not normal in that most kids probably don’t do this (but there is nothing wrong with the kids that do). I’m reminded of a story from Gretchen Rubin where she said something like, we never know when kids are up to important work. She talked about a famous fashion designer that used to spend hours organizing her crayons by color (or something like that), which probably looked silly or like wasting time. She wasn’t even drawing or doing something that adults might consider creative or important. But looking back, we can probably see she was developing one of the most important skill sets of her life, just no one knew it at the time. Or the Stanford researcher, Ron Davis, who hated school and used to spend hours daydreaming of 3D puzzles that little insects would have to crawl through. He went on to lead a team to sequence the human genome and started up research that may help Long Covid, way before Covid was even a thing.
So anyway, it makes me happy to think of something very special happening in your 3 year old’s mind while she absorbs herself in the music.
Anon. says
My 5yr old was like this at that age, too, and still gets very absorbed into music.
Severe ME says
I didn’t know that about Ron Davis, how cool! I am a big fan of his work since I have severe ME like his son. Thanks for mentioning him.
Anon says
The Spirited Child book says this is an introverted trait. I think it’s pretty normal in kids this age. My 3 year old doesn’t even seem especially introverted but this happens to her occasionally when she’s playing pretend. It’s like she just gets lost in her own world and forgets about the real world.
Anon says
last night i was wishing i could text all of you ladies bc we had a major separation anxiety problem with one of our twins. She literally screamed and cried for three hours in her bed. As soon as one of us went in she’d calm down and then start up again. We were not going in every few minutes, more like every 45 minutes. Eventually DH just slept in their room. This has never happened before. She does really really like mommy, but hasn’t had any major changes in her life. The only thing i can think of is that since daylight savings they typically wake up a bit later so our nanny gets them in the morning instead of me, but that was already weeks ago. This is a kid who we never had to do CIO with as a baby bc she slept and now can cry/tantrum for a very very long time and is almost impossible to calm down
Anonymous says
Eh? One night? Maybe she had to poop or something. I wouldn’t dig too deep yet.
Pogo says
Aw, I know it’s upsetting when this stuff happens. I would hold to your boundaries and try not to start the habit of someone sleeping in there, though. We did that early in the pandemic and it was a b*tch to break the habit.
Anon says
Teething maybe? My son does that whenever a new tooth is about to pop through, or when he’s sick.
Anonymous says
How old are your twins? FWIW, I tried (emphasis on tried) to have a policy not to freak out about any major sleep disturbance/change for at least 3 days. Often in that time it would either (a) go away; (b) become apparent what the problem was, e.g. my child was actually getting sick or something; or (c) I would get used to it enough or figure out how to respond enough that it no longer seemed like a crisis. I’m an anxious person and baby sleep was a real bugaboo for me, so I would literally say to myself, if this is still happening in 3 days I will panic about it then. For now lets just get through it.
There is always something for the first couple of years especially, and it is usually not caused by something you did, and often you don’t get to know why it is happening, at least not at the time. It could be teething (this is a convenient excuse until your kids are like 6 – there are always more teeth), developmental leap (plausible until teen years I would assume), illness (no expiration date), Scorpio in retrograde, “the barometer” (my mother blamed a lot on the barometer), concern about Lil Nas X, etc. So you just have to try things to see what works. It will pass eventually though, even if you do the wrong thing in response!
Anonymous says
i could not love this comment more.
anon says
Has anyone’s employer made the ability to contribute an extra $5,500 for dependent care available to them yet? I sent an email to my HR and crickets. I understand it may take time for them to figure it out but I’m annoyed that they haven’t addressed it at all. I work for a large university FYI.
AIMS says
What’s this?
anon says
It was part of the new stimulus bill. They increased the amount you can contribute from $5000 to $10,500. I think? Now I’m questioning whether or got this wrong or not . . .
Pogo says
https://www.shrm.org/ResourcesAndTools/hr-topics/benefits/Pages/American-Rescue-Plan-Act-raises-dependent-care-FSA-limits-and-adjusts-tax-credits.aspx#:~:text=It%20also%20increases%20the%20value,care%20tax%20credit%20for%202021.&text=The%20new%20DC%2DFSA%20annual,for%20married%20individuals%20filing%20separately.
Pogo says
no you’re right!
AIMS says
Thanks! I totally missed that.
Pogo says
Nope for both me and DH. However DH said we could still put this on our tax return and see the benefit there? I have not had a chance to investigate to see if he’s right.
Pogo says
I think he must have meant that we could claim the child and dependent care tax credit for the additional $ that we paid for childcare but NOT through the FSA. They also raised that tax credit in additional to the FSA limit.
Anon says
It’s an either/or though. So if you’re using the FSA (even the original $5k), you can’t claim the tax credit. Which stinks because we’re now eligible for the tax credit and I’m pretty sure it’s a better deal, but I don’t think there’s any way to undo the FSA election, since it’s already been partially paid out.
Anon says
I think, but I’m not sure, that at tax time you can pay taxes on your tax-free FSA money and claim the tax credit, if that nets you more money, so hopefully we will be able to do that. But you definitely don’t get to claim both the dependent care FSA and the childcare tax credit.
Anon says
My employer (state gov’t) is NOT offering this. I’m pretty crabby about it.
Anon says
Yes. I work for a public defender. They sent an email about it pretty immediately. I’m sorry that your employer has not yet—my husband works for a large hospital system and also no word.
Anonymous says
Yes, just this morning.
Walnut says
Nope. Too many highly compensates employees in both of our orgs.
Anonymous says
Ooh, I need to investigate this. I assume this means you can change your selection at some point now? We chose not to particpate in dependent care in 2021 becuase of a variety of factors. But now those factors have changed and we’ll be having a summer nanny. I’d love to be able to contribute going forward but knew this was a risk when we decided.
Anon says
why would an employer not opt into this? it doesn’t cost anything for the employer, does it?
anon says
Does anyone know if this carries over if you don’t use it, or is it use it or lose it like an FSA? We’re having a baby in July and expect to need a nanny from some point in the fall, but I don’t know at which point we’d elect for the dependent care reimbursement. It seems strange to do it before baby is here.
Katala says
Not sure if it’s different with the new expanded benefits, but normally it’s an FSA and you lose it at the end of the year. I lost $1000 my son’s first year as we ended up moving and not using paid childcare as soon as we expected. It was not good.
Anonymous says
I think there’s a grace period through March of the following year, maybe? But I’m not sure if that’s just to claim or actually to spend the $$
Anon says
My soon to be 5 year old refuses to do any activity where he won’t know anyone – like an extra curricular activity or camp etc. This is causing me stress about summer plans because I don’t think our schedules will align with those of his friends in terms of being able to sign him up for the same camps etc. as them, and I don’t want him sitting home all day doing nothing. Any advice on how to help him get over this anxiety?
Anonymous says
He’s 5. Just send him.
Anonymous says
well I tried to send him to a class yesterday and he had a full blown melt down at the place chasing me screaming out the door, so.
Anonymous says
Camps will be set up to deal with this better than classes.
Jeffiner says
I thought most camp counselors were college or high school kids with summer jobs, not child experts.
I would have hated to go to a camp where I didn’t know anyone as a child. I still hate going to events where I won’t know anyone. The only idea I have to make it palatable is to do something he REALLY wants to do. One of my friends sent her 5 year old daughter to horse camp at a local stable for spring break. The girl was very nervous, but they talked a lot about the activities, and once she saw the horses as they drove up, she couldn’t wait.
Also, is sitting home all day doing nothing so bad? If he’s reading a book or playing with Legos or building bug nests in the backyard, that sounds like an amazing way to spend the summer. I would have preferred that over camp.
Anonymous says
The counselors don’t need to be child care experts. Classes won’t usually let screaming kids stay because it disrupts the class. Camps deal with it because the customer expectation is that you can drop your kid off and leave even if he protests, just like day care.
No Face says
I think many, many, many kids will have heightened separation anxiety issues at camps this year. For many kids, the camp will be the first time they’ve been without a parent in a year! Definitely send him.
If you are extra worried, look for camps that talk about inclusivity for kids with special needs. The employees will be very used to meltdowns.
Anonymous says
FWIW, I have 3 kids and for 2/3 of my kids “just send them” is the answer. For one of my kids though she is so stubborn and opinionated (the apple does not fall far…) that she would make the entire summer h3ll if I sent her to a camp she told me she didn’t want to go to. It would also depend highly on the kind of camp. Is it a “professional” camp with well trained counselors at the preschool/young elem level? Or a bunch of college kids at a town rec camp that love kids and have experience but aren’t Child Whisperers?
What has worked for my more resistant child is to let her warm up. If there is an open house for camp, or if you could find some kids going ahead of time and do a playground meetup, it could really help ease him in. For example, I posed on a local town board to see if anyone else had a kid doing tennis at the same place my hesitant daughter was going. I found someone and we met up on the court over the weekend in advance and then she went to camp with a friendly face.
And if summer camp starts and there are still meltdowns, could you quickly do a weekend meetup with other kids in his new group so he can make friends fast?
Spirograph says
I agree with this. Yeah it would be great if a friend could join, but
a.) He will make new friends. Camp counselors are great building cohesion in a group of kids who didn’t know each other at the start
b.) Especially if you’re doing one of the main local camps, there might be kids he knows that you didn’t try to coordinate with. My son was super stoked when a couple of his buddies from preschool happened to be in his swim camp. This was summer after K, so he hadn’t seen them in a year and I didn’t even think to reach out to old daycare friends.
Talk up how fun the activities are going to be, don’t focus on the people. If he explicitly asks about friends, you just say camp is about making new friends; you might know some kids at the start, but you’ll know even more by the end of the week and you’re going to have tons of fun [pivot back to activity] together.
Anon says
It’s hokey, but have you read The Kissing Hand with him? The concept is mom/ dad kisses the palm of your hand, and if you’re feeling sad, you can hold your palm to your face and get a kiss. It really resonated with my 5 year old, who despite being extremely outgoing and in daycare since birth, has become very anxious and clingy over the past year. I’m sure this is directly tied to kindergarten being NOTHING like what he expected and now that they’re in person, it’s still really really different except now parents aren’t next to him to give hugs. (And it’s hard to make friends when you have to be six feet apart and can’t touch each other or share supplies or see their mouth to tell if they’re smiling.)
Other options – can you put a family picture in a cheap plastic frame in his “sports bag” or “camp backpack” so if he’s sad, he can look at you and remember you’re thinking of him? Can you get him a kid watch and tell him you’ll pick him up when the first number is 5? Can you take some extra time on the first day of camp to encourage the teacher to help him make a friend or two?
CPA Lady says
Generally speaking, you move past anxiety and gain confidence in yourself by facing your fears repeatedly. Unfortunately. And if you as a parent cater to his fears it will be enforcing to him that you don’t believe he can face his fears either. Compassionately acknowledge his fears, tell him lots of people are nervous to meet new people, but then force him to do it anyway.
Anon says
Yup. I think just like giving into demands made while tantruming leads to a spoiled kid, giving into anxiety about something like this just leads to a more fearful and anxious kid. The feelings are normal, absolutely, and you should react compassionately. But that doesn’t mean you should give in to them.
Anonymous says
Drop him off. Idk what refuses even means with a 5 year old. Mine is not given options.
Anonymous says
OK per my question I was just looking for advice on how to help ease his anxiety. I guess the majority view here is that I shouldn’t care about his feelings, but my kids are given empathy, if not options.
Emma says
I think that’s a bit defensive. I was a shy kids who hated to go to places where I did not know anyone. But my mom worked and I was sometimes dropped off at random camps, classes, emergency daycare, etc. It was both clear to me that (1) that was were I was going, this was not a choice; and (2) my parents coached me through the activities I would be doing and how to make new friends. And I always did in fact make new friends. This is an important life skill to teach your kid. No one is saying you should not care about your kid’s feelings. I agree with the suggestion above to make it something he loves. I would have been happy at horse camp even if I never spoke to another human being.
Anonymous says
Yeah this is exactly what I was getting at
Anonymous says
Ok well my read of your question was that you were seriously contemplating just having him sit at home all summer because of this, which wouldn’t be an option in my family.
I think you start small, try to do as many drop off activities as you can, and read all the books and have all the talks about making new friends.
Anonymous says
Sometimes you can feed anxiety by giving it too much oxygen. Acknowledge your son’s feelings, ask if there’s anything in particular he’s worried about and address it if you can. Tell him about a time you were nervous and then ended up having fun, bonus points if you can incorporate some strategies you used to make new friends. First days can be tough, but IME it’s very, very rare for a kid to be unhappy the entire session of a class or camp. But I wouldn’t dwell on any of that. Stay positive, and the positivity may rub off on him.
Anonymous says
+1 to your first sentence. Allowing him to avoid the thing he fears will actually reinforce his anxiety.
Anonymous says
Spirograph gave you the best possible advice on that front. Beyond that, there isn’t much you can do other than to force him to face it.
Mary Moo Cow says
My almost 6 year old is the same way. She did come around to a dance class when she was 5, but only because I could stay in the room and observe. Now she has her little sister in class to ease the way.
For summer, I sold her on 2 weeks of a day camp with a friend from school. She won’t consider any other camp because her best friend can’t go. So, yes, I feel the stress, too.
FWIW, sitting at home all day isn’t an option because DH and I both WFH full-time and we had enough of unsuccessfully working and watching kids all day last spring. If that’s you, too, I understand.
I guess I don’t have great advice because I’m working through it, too. I’m looking for books about anxiety, moving, etc. We’ve talked to her about how she will meet kids on the first day, and asked her to consider finding the kids who don’t know anyone and reaching out to them, thinking about how she would feel in their shoes (the goal being, instant friend!)
Anon says
I have a shy 6 year old. At 4 we let her drop out of a camp because she was hysterical. We really just sign her up in things where she knows someone now. and it’s a pain. My younger kids are not like this. But she definitely has real anxiety.
Anon says
I tend to agree you just drop him off and it will be fine, but if you’re looking to help him be more comfortable I would focus on information helping with the unknown. Look at pictures of the camp, on their webpage or on maps or streetview. Talk about it regularly and play up all the fun things he will get to do. Emphasize that lots of kids will not know each other and one of the really cool things about camp is making new friends. If they offer video tours try that. Otherwise I would just keep repeating the positives every time you mention it (don’t push him to agree, just matter of factly state them). I do a lot of “I see you’re feeling X. I understand why that might make you nervous. Here are Y things to look forward to. “
Jeffiner says
I’m surprised so many people say to just drop him off. I know you need childcare, and I’ve had to pry my daughter off of my some mornings for daycare, so if you have to do it, you do it.
But saying “just drop him off” is forcing an introvert to conform to an extroverted world. I had to go to camps during the summer as a kid, but I never made friends there. The best experiences were when other groups of kids let me tag along. Usually me and another introvert would sit near each other and be sad and bored together.
Does he need to go to camp this summer? Did he age out of his daycare? Will it be possible to hire a summer nanny to watch him? Can you sign him up for at least one activity with his other friends, so he has that to look forward to while he endures the rest of them?
Anonymous says
As an introvert, I still say drop him off. Sure, choose a camp that fits his interests. But camp is actually a place where it’s relatively easy to meet new friends. No one knows anyone else, so there aren’t established social groups that the introverted kid has to try to break into. If it’s a specialty camp, everyone shares a common interest. At every camp I attended, I found a group to hang out with that included one “best” friend. Camp was so much better than school socially.
Anonymous says
Introversion does not mean you can’t go to camp.
Anonymous says
Yup. And this is just day camp. No one is proposing to drop him off at sleepaway camp for 8 weeks.
Anon says
I’m an introvert and a pretty extreme one at that, and I agree he should go to camp. A summer nanny is something that’s only an option for the most privileged and even if they can afford it, I don’t think it’s the best message to send that you just give up and avoid hard things. Going to places with groups of people you don’t know is part of life and even though it’s hard for him, it’s something he needs to learn to cope with. I don’t think OP should ignore his feelings, and I like the suggestions about giving him some choice in the camp and talking through potential strategies for what to do when he’s sad about not knowing anyone on the first day. Maybe there is a compromise like half day camps or something like that, but just giving up on camp completely seems too much like giving into his anxiety. Fwiw, at least at all the day camps I attended, if you didn’t have kids you wanted to play with you could sit alone and read or do other activities. Introverts are not necessarily shy and are normally pretty happy being alone. It sounds like maybe you were more of a socially anxious extrovert?
Spirograph says
Gently, it sounds like you’re conflating introversion with not enjoying the activities. I’m an introvert, and I loved camp. Swimming, field games, arts and crafts, trying out new activities… it’s parallel play. You’re in the same space, but it’s not socially demanding. I’d usually make a few friends, but often just kind of pursued my own interests and benignly ignored whoever else happened to be there. If you pick a camp with fun stuff to do, odds are the kid will have fun in spite of himself.
Anon says
Yeah! I liked camp precisely because there was no pressure to make friends or be social in the way you have to be in school (or in the workplace, for that matter). I think camps are good for introverts because you can kind of just do your own thing. If you hate the camp activities, that’s a camp problem not an introvert problem.
Anonymous says
I’m just spitballing here but could you try working with him to “Make a Plan” and/or give him some control, e.g., do you want to try camp A or camp B? For the Make A Plan part, you could talk through specifically what he is worried about. E.g., if he doesn’t know anyone, what bad things will happen? So if he’s afraid he won’t have anyone to talk to, could you help him think of questions he could ask to help make new friends, plan to talk to a counselor, take 3 deep breaths, etc.?
DLC says
I remember one summer I had to resort to bribing my kid to go to camp. Basically she could have ice cream and screen time after pick up the first day. She could listen to an audio book in the car on other days. Stuff like that.
Also- we worked out a deal that if she still hated it at lunch time, she could have the camp call me and I would come pick her up. The thing was, though, she would have to try again the next day. Not sure if doing a kid day pick up is an option for you, but maybe it might help your kid feel like they have an out? (Mine actually never had me pick her up).
For what it’s worth, my child is very much an extrovert, but even for her, going to a camp where she doesn’t know anyone does give her some anxiety. Heck I hate going to activities where I don’t know anyone and I’m an adult, so I think what your kid is expressing is very normal.
Anon says
These are great ideas. Thanks so much.
EDAnon says
My more anxious son had stress about ski lessons (which is shorter and less intense than camp/class) and the instructor (a parent, too) said just bribe him. I did and it worked great. I never had to give him ice cream after that first time. He enjoyed lessons and was willing to go back for no additional reward.
Anon says
Could the camp / class connect you with other parents ahead of time so that he can get to know another kid before it starts? Even colleges tend to do this to ease transitions.
Anon says
+1 this is a good idea.
regular poster anon for this says
My sponsor at work has put me up for a management role that is technically a lateral but gives me additional responsibilities that I need to advance my career. It would in theory require a move halfway across the country. He’s told me that he’d be fine delaying the move for at least a year after the pandemic is over. So far, I’ve said that I would move for the right job at the right time – which is true. However, in my heart of hearts, I don’t want to move until the kids are older. I see myself moving to take a VP role when my kids are middle school age or older, not right now (they’re not even in elementary) and not for what is essentially a lateral. I’m just torn, because I don’t want to get totally burned by saying the truth which is that I wouldn’t move for this role – but that is probably the right thing to do.
Anonymous says
The older your kids get, the more difficult it is to move. I’d make the move now.
Spirograph says
I would focus less on the timing of the move and more on whether you would be happy in the new location. There are lots of locations I would be happy to move to for a lateral position, and there are also lots that I wouldn’t consider even for a promotion. If this new location has growth potential, it may make more sense to make the move now.
Agree that it’s harder on the kids to move when they’re older. Moving a middle- or especially high schooler halfway across the country might get you a very sullen teenager because you’ve ripped them away from their friends and activities.
Anonymous says
“Steve, I’m not moving across the country and uprooting my family for a lateral move.”
Anonymous says
I tend to agree with this and think of it more as a negotiation tool if you’d consider moving under other circumstances.
Anonymous says
I wouldn’t mention the “uprooting my family” part as a negotiation tactic. That is a straight path to the mommy track. “I’m not moving across the country for a lateral move, but I might for a promotion” comes across differently.
OP says
Thanks – this is the right way to frame it, exactly.
Anonymous says
Agree that it is much easier on kids to move when they are young than older – my family moved from the DC area to FL when I was 9 and it was rough, but would have been a lot worse in middle or high school, and probably easier if I was in preschool or younger. The biggest factor in my happiness at 9 though was that moving was really hard on my parents – my mom had trouble making friends, none of us liked FL (weather, culture clash, limited resources for kids in a retirement community), my dad’s new job involved 50% travel for the first year and was very high pressure, and we had no family/village to support my mom. So, to the extent that you can, look at how this will impact the whole family unit.
Anonymous says
Interesting. Personally, I would say yes, then put off the move for as long as possible and if push came to shove, take a role in another company. A decade ago in my career I’d have thought differently but I have seen exec after exec do this over the years.
The company may change a lot in a few years and the move may not be necessary.
Anon says
This is worth considering, especially after this year/two years of remote work. Primary work locations and expectations around that are going to look a lot different once things are back to “normal.” A year and half+ from now, you could potentially be set up for that promotion, or ready to change companies, or feel differently about moving, or who knows what.
OP says
Thanks – these are good thoughts. I know it’s harder to move older kids, and I’m actually thinking less about them and more about our parents. They’re not getting any younger, and right now they’re able to see the kids pretty frequently. If we’re a plane ride away, that won’t be the case. I don’t think I could forgive myself for them only seeing the kids 1-2 times a year in the last few good years they have left (all 4 in their 70s with varying degrees of health challenges).
The easiest response is I can’t do it for a lateral, which is the truth! I just needed a gut check. I have a hard time saying no to opportunities, especially when someone taps me on the shoulder.
Anonymous says
That’s a solid reason, which I understand. Before moving forward, you might want to consider if you’re willing to move for a promotion given this reasoning. If you follow the script above and get the promotion, are you okay with moving? If not, shoudl that change the response?
Anon says
Would your parents consider following you? I certainly understand that they might not want to, but it seems like it’s worth discussing if you want to pursue this or a similar opportunity. Once Dh and I were settled in our permanent location (he’s in academia so we had to move around a lot early in our careers), my parents made plans to move here. And I have a few friends whose parents also followed them to new cities. The people who’ve had the most success with it had their parents move into a retirement community near them, so the grandparents get to be close to grandkids but also get to build a life of their own and have some space from the younger generation when they want it. I know a couple people who moved their parents into their own homes but that was a no-go for me and fortunately my parents felt the same way.
OP says
Ugh, yeah the problem is my parents already followed me here! (I live near the city I went to college in and met my husband). So they left their hometown, moved here to a retirement community, and they love it. I don’t want to have to ask them again, but I haven’t talked about it in awhile.
I absolutely would move for the right opportunity, and DH is supportive of that too. I just have a feeling this isn’t it, so I need to be vocal about that vs trying to stay under the radar with COVID and wfh (was told I wouldn’t have to move right away, so there’s certainly a possibility I could take the job, wfh for 18 mos, then find a different position locally and avoid the move – but that seems shady).
Appreciate the perspectives.
Anon says
I don’t think that’s shady! Your employer would dispose of you in a second if it fit their business needs (because corporations are heartless, not because you’re not a great employee) so I don’t think you should feel any guilt about doing what works for you.
Anonymous says
I’ve had two CEOs do exactly that. Do not let it phase you for one second, unless you have dreams of retiring at this company.
Anon says
Agree, it’s not shady, you don’t owe the company more than your performance while you are employed there. You don’t owe them your future. Situations change, on both sides, all the time. Would the company hesitate to make you move then immediately lay you off for business reasons? Not for a second.
OP says
Excellent points! This is why I love this board.
No Face says
If you don’t want to relocated for a lateral move but would for a promotion, I think that is a very reasonable.
HOWEVER, moving with little kids is much, much better than moving with middle school or high school kids. I moved cross country before kindergarten and it was completely fine. It’s not like I had to leave my best school friends or something. Moving in middle school would be difficult, because the kids would have their own social networks and activities that they would be leaving behind.
If moving is definitely a part of your career progression, moving for the lateral and then getting promoted there makes more sense to me.
Anon says
Do you think you’d like the new city? Since you said “halfway” across the country I’m guessing this is coast to Midwest or vice versa? That can be quite a culture shock and while I think kids will be fine with a move, I would be hesitant to uproot my family unless I thought we’d stay in the new city long-term.
MS Word Help says
I could use some technical help in word. Sorry to ask here but I’m at a loss and searching isn’t helpful at all.
I’m trying to create prayer cards for my grandmother who just passed. The standard size is a vertical/portrait lay out, 2.5″ across and 4.25″ tall/long. I’m able to make three 2.5″ wide columns across the MS Word doc page (layout > columns > set column width and number) but I cannot for the life of me figure out how to set a boundary to achieve this for the vertical 4.25″. I know I can do this by creating tables and playing with it that way, but there’s no way to lock (that I’m aware of) the vertical of the tables I create so as I’m playing with the wording/layout, the bottom boundary shifts down (as opposed to locks/doesn’t let me add more text)… if that makes sense?
This might be the most challenging thing I do all day…. ha. Thank you in advanced for your MS Word wizardry.
Cb says
You should do it using text boxes rather than columns, you can set the size that way and it will stay consistent. Canva might be an easier option as you can customize size.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry for your loss.
You could do this by setting the margins to leave only 4.25″ of vertical space in the middle. But that would waste half the printable area when you really could get 2 rows… I’d do it in PPT. Or with text boxes in word as Cb says.
Anonymous says
+1 to using powerpoint, that’s what I use for all my improvised graphic design stuff.
AwayEmily says
+1 to powerpoint, that’s what I always used for improvised graphic design type tasks.
Anon says
I would do it in a table, and in the options you can set fixed cell sizes so that it doesn’t automatically move around. Right click on the table, select table properties and then click over to the row and column tabs were you can specify fixed height and width. Then either leave the borders if you want lines to cut on or select the whole table and pick no borders. FWIW I find column formatting a royal pain and do everything in tables that I can.
op says
yesssssssss. victory. thank you, kindly.
Anonymous says
Word is the devil’s program.
Anon. says
Can you set a Column break? That should prevent the bottom boundary from shifting
So Anon says
My kids’ school system is gradually expanding access to 5 days of schooling/programming from its prior hybrid program (either M,W and every other F, or T, Thu and every other F). There are two elementary schools that serve the town, split K-2 and 3-5. Each school has different options. The younger school has brought in a portable classroom, where kids who are not in class can go half of the day (8:30-12). For both schools, there is also a program at a local 501(c)(3) focused on ecology that kids can go to in the morning. And some kids are being asked to attend 5 days in the classroom. With this expanded programing, they are no longer supporting at home learning for the hybrid kids for any time they are home.
Last fall, I enrolled both of my kids in an alternative education program one day per week, which is focused on hands-on outdoor education, science, nature and art. Now, in response to my question about no longer supporting at-home learning, principal of the younger school asked my daughter to come back in the classroom full-time. The catch is that I was told it is either full-time (5 full days) or 2-3 days with no support for the other days. I was told that I cannot keep her in the alternative program 1 day per week. She and my son both attend the alternative program 1 day per week, and my son has not been asked to return full-time. I would love to have my daughter back, but having my kids at separate places and schedules, would mean that I would spend 2 hours doing drop-off that day because they are in opposite directions with staggered times. Also, the alternative program is so good for her because it encourages her to take risks, pushes her out of her comfort zone and is outdoors all day. I’m really struggling with what to do.
Anonymous says
How are they choosing which kids to bring back 5 days a week? In places with hybrid learning, siblings are usually placed on the same schedule. Is the problem that your son’s entire grade is still on a hybrid schedule? If your son’s grade is offering 5 days a week, I’d push for them both to go back full-time. If not, I’d ask what the timeline is for his grade to be brought back 5 days a week. If the plan is to expand full-time in-person learning for his grade within a few weeks, I’d put the younger one back in full-time school right away and tough out the 2-hour drop-offs once a week for a few weeks. FWIW, I did 4 hours in the car for sports practice + camp transport + my work commute every day for three summers while working full-time. It’s horrible, but you do what you have to.
I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect your daughter to be allowed a special schedule.
Anonymous says
Agreed
Anonymous says
Send her back to school full time. No question. The alternative program was because school wasn’t an option. Hire someone to drive your son to his program, or your daughter to her school is there is no bus or carpool option.
Anonymous says
Push hard for both kids to return full time. I think if approached collaboratively you might get there.
Anonymous says
How do you handle thank you etiquette these days? Baby #2 has been getting lots of gifts from friends and family. For friends I tend to send a thank you text and a cute picture. For family (aunts, great-grandmas, etc) I send old fashioned notes in the mail. What’s normal? And what do you expect yourself?
Anonymous says
For the older generation, a handwritten note. For our generation, a text and a cute picture are fine.
Whatever you do, do not be like my family members who don’t acknowledge gifts at all.
Anonymous says
I send a handwritten note in the mail for every gift.
Anon says
me too. i always tell friends that a text is fine and i do truly mean it that i don’t need a thank you note from them…but i do feel the need to write one myself and always do. one thing i’ve noticed with friends/relatives with older kids is that none of them seem to write thank you notes. i recall as a kid after my bday and holidays sitting down and writing thank you notes to the people who sent me gifts. and now instead the mom just texts me
Mary Moo Cow says
Me, too. I like the zen moment of handwriting, I am a stationary nerd, and I think about how happy I am when I get real mail. I’m fine with a text, but when someone takes the time and makes the effort to handwrite a note, I am especially appreciative, and I feel connected to them — like, fellow stationary nerd!
Spirograph says
Exactly this.
SC says
Ideally, a handwritten note for each gift. After your second baby, a handwritten note for the older generation and a text and picture for friends and younger family members. I try to give a LOT of slack to parents of newborns.
DLC says
I do the same as you when we receive something, but I honestly don’t expect anything these days when I send something. Not sure if I’ve given up on the standard etiquette practices I grew up with or if I’ve just become more forgiving because of the mental load that thank you notes place on women.
Anon says
This. DH has absolutely nothing to do with thank you notes. I’ve never gotten a thank you note for a baby penned by a dad. I honestly much prefer texts and texting. I’m spread thin. I don’t know where I put our stamps. It’s a huge pain. I’d rather not get a gift!
In other words, I’m totally bad about thank you notes. Have been forever. Am a frequent sender of texts with my kids playing with gifts they were given – and evne the younger siblings once it’s a hand me down.
when I receive thank you notes my first reaction is generally a groan, because I feel guilted into doing them myself! And they never really say anything!
Okay, done venting. I know I should do it more. I make my kindergartner do them. It took three days after her birthday of me standing over her, and she was even a willing participant.
Anon says
All of this. So much guilt. My mom could not get it together to do them. I have written and not ever sent so many thank yous. it’s all so much. I understand people think I’m rude. No one thinks DH is rude when they don’t get a card.
Anonymous says
I blame men who don’t send thank-yous. My nephew never sent thank-yous for his wedding gifts, even though the entire extended family spent a fortune flying across the country to stay in a filthy overpriced hotel and endure five hours of starvation with no chairs to sit in at the reception. He’s the one I blame for being rude to his family, not his spouse.
SC says
I sent thank you cards to each of DH’s 3 aunts a couple of weeks ago. All three were signed with my name and DH’s name. One aunt, we haven’t heard from, which is fine. One aunt mentioned on a video call that she’d received a thank you card from me. One aunt called DH’s mom and went on and on about the thank you card and how DH’s mom had “raised him right.” I overheard DH’s mom telling him this–it wasn’t even addressed to me. Umm… DH has never sent a thank you card, and there is no way on God’s green earth that that card was in DH’s atrocious handwriting. I just rolled my eyes.
I have actually received a few thank-you cards written by men. I am always pleasantly surprised.
Anonymous says
We did get a thank-you note for a baby gift written by the dad once! It did not follow the normal thank-you note formula but we were charmed.
My husband writes all of our joint thank-you notes, holiday cards, and birthday cards because he is better at it.
Anonymous says
One of my brothers-in-law thinks thank-you notes are rude because they make people who don’t send them feel guilty. We think he is obnoxious so we are always certain to send him thank-you notes.
Jocelyn says
This is so funny to me, my husband is actually the one who writes most of the thank you notes in our family. When we were married he wrote the thank you notes for his side of the family and I wrote mine for my side. He actually is way more on the ball with writing thank you notes and I don’t think I’ve ever written ones as the kind he writes. I didn’t realize this was unusual until other friends started commenting that their husbands never ever write thank you notes nor do they even think to do so.
Anonymous says
Mental load awareness is the reason I am totally OK with thank you texts or emails. They don’t bring me the joy that a handwritten note does, but they fully meet the etiquette need. I am miffed if the gift goes completely unacknowledged, but that wouldn’t stop me from sending future gifts.
I’ve gotten thank you notes from two men! In each case, man was a former colleague and friend of many years, and I don’t have an independent friendship with his wife. Friend wrote on one side of the card, and wife wrote on the other. It made me really happy, and I hope they did it for all the gifts and not just ones where husband was the original/primary connection to the couple. (I make my husband do thank you notes for his friends and family, but I handle them for everyone else. Mental load is mine, regardless, because he would just not do it if I didn’t remind him.)
Anonymous says
Oh wait. Three! I just remembered that my cousin’s son sent a thank you note for our high school graduation gift to him. It was lovely. I assume his parents (let’s be real, probably his mom) had something to do with it, but good for all of them, regardless.
Anon says
it’s different when it’s not a gift to a couple though. If it’s a couple, the woman is expected to do it. It’s lovely that you can think of 2 exceptions, but that seems to prove the rule.
Anon says
When our daughter was born we got a lot of gifts from extended family and friends and I sent everyone a handwritten thank you card. For subsequent birthday and Hanukkah presents, I just send everyone a text or email with a photo. We don’t really have an “old” generation (no great-grandparents) and the only people in my parents’ generation who give us gifts on an ongoing basis are my parents, MIL and one aunt of mine and I know they are all fine with email (and actually prefer it, since it includes photos). If someone over the age of 50 that we didn’t know as well sent us something, I would probably do a handwritten note.
For gifts I give, I’m annoyed if I receive no acknowledgement of the gift but a text or email is completely fine with me. Handwritten notes just get thrown out and seem kind of wasteful.
Anonymous says
For the older generation, where a hard copy photo is also appreciated, we have also done postcards online where you typed in a note and the service sent the postcard, with kiddo’s photo on the other side. Crazy easy through a phone.
Pogo says
Personally I like the text and picture immediately, but I also try to send a hand written note in the mail. I always do handwritten for older generation no matter what.
The Worst says
Soooo I used to try to do hand written cards, but I’m fairly sure I missed sending them for a bunch of baby and Christmas gifts in the last year (I know, I know – it’s rude and bad and terrible. I didn’t mean to let this slip, and am not even sure how it happened. I plead working mom of a not yet 2 year old and a newborn in a pandemic.)
From here on out, I’m going to try to avoid this by sending immediate text thank you. That way, if I manage to send written notes, great, but if not then at least I’m not the literal worst anymore.
Sigh.
NYCer says
I do an immediate text. I rarely write hand written thank you notes. I don’t expect anything when I send a gift, though I am always happy to receive a thank you text. My circle must be rude, because I rarely receive hand written thank you cards (other than after events like weddings or baby showers).
Realist says
Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good enough. Some people might expect a handwritten note, and maybe you get that done for them of you can. Otherwise, do what is easiest for you so the thank you gets done. Text, email, one of those apps that will send a picture postcard with a pic of the gift and “thank you” written on the back. If someone wants to feel like your “thank you” was not what they expected or deserved, that is their problem.
Realist says
Threading fail, ugh. This was a response for thank you notes.
avocado says
Do something, though. My teenager was crushed when the special handmade baby gifts she put a lot of effort into (and which were actually useful and cute) went totally unacknowledged by her relatives. I know that you are supposed to give without any expectation of gratitude, but this was a kid who invested many hours and a quick thank-you text or photo would have meant a lot.
One of my daughter’s grandmothers has actually threatened to stop sending gifts to grandchildren who don’t bother to acknowledge receipt. I don’t know whether she’s followed through.
Anon says
Of course. No one is saying do nothing. That’s incredibly rude.
Anon says
Aw, my heart just broke a little for your sweet teenager!
Realist says
Oh for sure. That is actually my point—just do what works for you and let go of the idea of needing a handwritten note. If you feel like you have to send a handwritten note and nothing else will do, then it just won’t get done at all (at least if you are me during this season of life). So just do what works. I’m sure your daughter would have been thrilled with a text and I’m sorry she didn’t even get that.
avocado says
Agree 100%. Just giving an example of why it’s important to do something. There is a real person on the other end of that thank-you text.
Charlotte says
Does anyone have any insight into what its like to live in Charlotte? Is it very religious and conservative like the rest of the deep south? How are schools?
Mary Moo Cow says
What you’re asking about depends on the area. It is the South, so there is a higher percentage of monogramed, smocked, and Lilly Pulitzer clothes than the rest of the country. People say ma’am, which can be welcome or a turn off. It is a big city with a diverse population. NC currently has a Democratic governor; my perception is that Charlotte is a blue or purple dot in a red but trending purple state. Like every other state, there will be red, blue, purple, and neither in every zip code. Schools will vary widely, between public and private (and there are quite a few secular and religious private schools) and area (like, in the city vs. the burbs.) Charlotte had mandatory busing in the ’80’s, and from my understanding, that caused a lot of flight to private schools and long lasting skepticism about public schools. There’s a lot of money floating around with the financial industry, and it is a super hot real estate market (this from someone I know who is moving there this summer.)
FWIW, I grew up in 4 states in the Deep South and live now in what I consider the edge of the South. I don’t live in Charlotte, but know people who do and who grew up there.
Anonymous says
Religious does not automatically equal conservative, you know.
ElisaR says
agree!
Anonymous says
Not super helpful, but my cousins live in a suburb of Charlotte and are long-time Democrats, and seem to move in a social circle with lots of other Dems.
Spirograph says
Also not super helpful as this is second hand, but I from a friend who lives in Charlotte (and was a 2x Trump voter, bless her), I have the impression that church is a big part of the social scene, but politics and general conservative-ness are a mixed bag. Like many major metro areas, it’s more progressive than the state overall.