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As you can tell, my eye is very much drawn to navy, polka dots, and peplum. I really like it when maternity/nursing clothing looks like something I would wear in my “normal” life. This nursing top has a few touches that I really appreciate, and the first is the layered peplum. If you’re nursing, you’re at least somewhat recently postpartum (even though I feel like the rest of my life I will feel postpartum), and the extra fabric can conceal some extra around the stomach area. I also like the types of nursing tops that have a concealed zipper instead of the lift-up style. The zipper is cleverly concealed along the seam, and the seam looks like a design choice. The top is $58 at A Pea In the Pod. Ruffle Side-Zip Peplum Nursing Top Psst: Looking for more info about nursing clothes for working moms, or tips for pumping at the office? We’ve got them both… This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
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Kid/Family Sales
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
Anyone have tips for moving to a new city with a toddler and infant? We’ll definitely use movers this time, but I’m curious about packing services – seems like it could make things easier but also seems like it could be very pricey. Any tips? Thanks so much.
Anonymous says
I haven’t moved with kids but packing services were a couple hundred bucks the last time I moved cross-country (they’re crazy efficient so it only takes them a few hours). Definitely worth it!
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’d highly recommend it. We just moved with a 3.5 year old and 11 month old and used movers to do all of the packing. They did it in a few hours and saved us the time and energy. They moved everything the next day.
All in was about $4,000 in our HCOL area, but totally worth it for us.
Irish Midori says
100% worth it. I will never again move without a packing service.
AwayEmily says
SO WORTH IT.
Go for it says
The peace of mind in having others deal with the packing/moving is worth the cost to my family. We will never pack again.
mascot says
+100 for packing services. Tips- purge as much as you can so you aren’t paying to pack/move stuff you don’t need, packers will pack a room as they find it so it helps to put everything in its proper home before they come. Bonus, this also helps with the decluttering exercise.
One exception to this- you may want to have a few boxes be last on/first off (or carry these items in your car) and label them well to be opened first. The movers can probably help re-assemble the beds, but you’ll want to get the kids comfortable for that first night (sheets, stuffed animals, nightlight, bathroom cup, etc)
octagon says
Packers are 100% worth it! We paid maybe $700 to pack a 3BR townhouse in a HCOL area. My only tip would be to move all your pillows and lampshades separately. They are big and movers will box them (and charge you for the box and packing materials). We opened several boxes that had like, two throw pillows. Also empty your trash cans and move them yourself, they will pack them!
anon says
Consider a mother’s helper for unpacking. I found it virtually impossible to unpack with a toddler and infant. The infant wanted to be held and the toddler was into everything. We found a 10 yo neighbor who was good at occupying them while I worked.
EB0220 says
Yes I would definitely recommend the packing. Also make sure to take time off of work during the packing, in case you weren’t planning to, but still send the kids to daycare.
Anon says
My job paid for packing 2 moves ago, and so when I moved to our current house, I paid for packing (and it was worth every penny). Now that I have kids, I would be even more inclined to pack. Just be aware that they will pack everything as-is (I found out they packed a half full office trash can – thankfully just dry waste but still!). They are so much faster at it – they packed my entire 3 story 3 bedroom townhouse in a day – it would have taken me weeks. And the price I was quoted included packing materials, which probably isn’t material compared to the overall cost, but every little bit helps. I did as others suggested and packed a suitcase or two with things we’d need for the first few nights.
Anonymous says
Granted I didn’t pay for mine (military) but I’ll never again move without packers and I’ll pay whatever it takes if I have to.
Anonymous says
How and when did you decide to have your kid(s)? Do you wish you waited longer or started trying earlier?
Anonymous says
I knew I wanted at least one kid from the time I met my husband, but I also wasn’t in any hurry. We got married at 26 and around the time I turned 32 it felt like time for a few reasons – 1) we were objectively settled (owned a house, had good, stable jobs, had finances in order), 2) close friends started having kids giving me, if not exactly baby fever, something resembling it and 3) I liked the idea of being an empty-nester by our early 50s and being done with college payments before 60 so time-wise it was time to go get going, especially if we wanted to leave open the possibility of having a second kid. I got lucky and got pregnant immediately. I don’t wish I’d waited longer or started trying earlier. I can’t imagine my life without my kid and don’t wish I’d delayed her, because I’d have less time with her, but I also think the fact that we got be a childless and relatively affluent couple for ~7 years before having a baby makes me a better, happier mom. I got a lot of stuff I wanted to do out of the way and am ready to focus on my kid for the next two decades.
Ifiknew says
I had my first child at 27 and second at 29. I felt like a teen pregnancy because we lived in NYC with my first but subsequently moved to a LCOL city. We were financially very stable, bought a home, had good jobs and childcare plans, and felt like we did everything we wanted to (traveled, had few years to just be married etc). There’s nothing we wanted to do that kids would have stopped us from doing other than sleeping in and all those luxuries. Having kids is so so so hard but I also don’t think waiting would have made any of the aspects of what makes it hard any easier. I think having a good marriage where you communicate well, minimizing other stresses (financial, career change, health etc), and feeling good that you aren’t missing out on anything you want to do, are hugely helpful
Anon2 says
Ha I was 28 in NYC and my OB told me I was her youngest (at the time) patient!
Anonymous says
And as a flipside to this, I had my daughter at 33 in the rural Midwest and my OB told me I was her oldest patient (she insisted on labeling me a geriatric pregnancy which I’m STILL annoyed about). Many women here become grandmothers around 40, and some of my friends from college were still having kids at that age!
K. says
I am in the midwest also. I am 37 and have a 5-year-old and I am super old to have a kid that age. Just went to a birthday party for my daughter’s friend and all the moms were at least ten years younger than me–most even younger than that! My sister lives in DC and she had her first when 29 and she is super young to have kids there. Comparing our lives is so funny to us!
Anonymous says
I had my second at 32 and my OB told me I was the youngest patient she’d seen all day (Boston burbs).
Boston Legal Eagle says
I was 29 (almost 30) with my first and 32 with my second. I’ve been with my husband throughout my 20s but we didn’t get married until we were in our late 20s. We spent about a year after we got married just enjoying our married no-kids life. I had also just moved to a less intense job so that year was excellent. I don’t wish we had more pre-kid time though, because honestly I felt kind of bored and we knew we wanted kids so we just went for it. Our lives are a lot busier now and there are certain things we wish we had more time for (mostly exercise and sleeping more!) but I think that’s just small kid life and delaying it wouldn’t solve it.
I think in hindsight it might have been nice to have a longer spacing in between the two, to get the older one more self-sufficient, but then I can’t imagine life without my baby so no regrets. The timing also ended up working out well with my job as it would have been a lot harder to take mat leave this year and next year than it was last year. I also wanted to leave the possibility of a third, and at my age, it can still happen without the youngest two being too close in age.
Anonymous says
We had been together for 6-7yrs and married for 1.5 of those. We were 29 when my first was born, 32 with my second. We’re in DC area so this may be on the youngish side but normal in our friend group. Some of our friends had kids some didn’t but we knew we wanted kids sooner rather than later. My thought is no one gets to the end of their life and wishes they had less time with their children. Also there’s never a perfect time financially/career wise/etc…we did not own our home yet but were financially stable. We had plenty of time to make memories and travel a bit together. I’m glad we didn’t wait any longer or have them earlier.
Cb says
I feel like there is no perfect time to have a baby. I had my son at 32. We had been married for 3 years when he was born and it felt right for us career-wise and life-wise. I was just finishing up my PhD and had a job offer, my husband switched jobs whilst I was pregnant (which stunk because it meant we missed out on shared parental leave) but his job was stable.
Anon says
I had my first at 24 and my second at 27. I started law school with a child and left with two! It was my plan to have kids young. I married my husband at 23, we own our own home, and from my perspective, we were settled aside from my desire for a law degree.
What is interesting is that I thought I would be done with two, but now I want more. I likely will not have any because raising subsequent children will be a significantly different experience. I lack the flexibility I had in law school and realistically will not have as much time with a newborn as I did before. Knowing myself, it will create feelings of sadness, guilt, and worry about whether I am giving subsequent babies as much time and attention.
If I could change anything, I wish I convinced my husband to have a third child my 3L year.
Anon2 says
There is no perfect time etc etc but for me, I absolutely knew I wanted kids, and wanted more than one, so I didn’t want to wait too long. We had good jobs and were planning to buy a house soon, but we didn’t have every single thing buttoned up yet. We’d been married for two years when we started trying, which felt like a good amount of time to start settling into the marriage. I had just turned 28. We were lucky that we conceived on the first try. I started getting baby fever again shortly after my first turned one, so when my cycles returned we left it to chance and my second was conceived. Time slips away faster than you think, so if you are moderately settled, feel in a good place with your partner, and do want kids, go for it sooner rather than later.
Em says
We started trying one year after getting married. At the time, I was 29 and my husband was 30. I had been at my job for 18 months when I got pregnant, so I had a good history established as a hard worker and reliable employee, which paid dividends after my son was born and I needed flexibility. We had also just bought a house in the suburbs and were close to paying off my student loans (we paid them off the month before my son was born). We got pregnant within 3 months of trying. I am really happy with when we started trying. We had dated for 4 years before getting married, had a year of marriage to just enjoy being together, and were in a good place financially.
anon says
I married my college sweetheart and had my first at 33, so we’d been together for 14 years and married for 6 years by the time she was born. We owned a house and had each finished graduate school. We’d traveled extensively. We were ready.
We were also the first of our friends to have kids, so they are just getting started now at ages 37-39. It’s hard that because we’ve been in different life stages for a while. We had babies when they were still free and going to bars. Now we have bigger kids and they are busy with new babies. I think it will even out by the time the youngest kids are 4 or 5, but it feels like a big gap right now.
anon says
I also wanted to add that many of our friends are struggling to conceive at 37-39. Lots of stress and heartbreak. Maybe they still would have struggled if they started earlier, but I suspect they wouldn’t have felt themselves so up against the clock. It’s so so hard when 40 is looming.
Anon says
YES, this.
A lot of my friends, ages 35 to not quite 40, need varying forms of fertility treatment. Some need IVF, some need hormonal injections, some are doing the IUI route. The dirty little secret is that fertility treatments are more effective when you are younger, so even though the treatments exist and are accessible, you have to factor in the reduced likelihood of success. And people don’t feel like they have the option to keep trying without intervention – it very much feels like you just get it done ASAP, regardless of what you want, regardless of what else is going on in your life.
Anon says
Ok, fine, but as a counterpoint, I starting trying at 29 and it took me 5 years with multiple failed IVFs. It drives me crazy when people act like age is always the issue or are judgey of people using fertility treatment in their late 30s, acting like they just waited too long and now they’re to blame for their own problems. You don’t know someone’s story or history.
Anon says
Um, ok? Congratulations that everything worked out for you when you were younger and you don’t have these issues, I guess.
anon says
No judgment here. It’s heartbreaking to watch them struggle. And I selfishly want them to have kids so our kids can grow up together.
In different circumstances, it could have easily been me.
FVNC says
I was 31 with my first, 35 with my second, husband and I had been married six years, together eight by the time I got pregnant. Husband is five years older than me, so that played into our timing decision. While we weren’t necessarily “ready” to have a baby, we had both left big law jobs, owned a home, and had friends and relatives who were starting to have babies…and honestly, we were starting to get kind of bored on weekends (that sounds ridiculous now, but it was true once!). My only regret is not traveling more pre-kids, but otherwise, I’ve been happy with the timing.
anon says
There really isn’t a perfect time. We got married young and waited for 6 years to have kids. I was 29, DH was 31 when our first was born. That felt about right to us. Unfortunately, I ran into unexpected fertility issues after kid #1, due to undiagnosed endometriosis. So there’s a 5-year age gap between our kids, and getting kiddo #2 was difficult and emotionally wrenching. It’s worked out fine, but had I known that my body was going to rebel on me, we might’ve started earlier. I will also say that being pregnant at 33-34 was harder on my body than my first pregnancy, to the point where I could not fathom going through it again. I have heard similar stories from many other women.
Anon says
I’m going through this now. Got pregnant in one month with my first. I was 28 when he was born (almost 29). Now he’s 17 months and my period just came back (only once when he was 14 months) but my hormone levels are all out of whack and no periods for months now. Fertility specialist thinks I’ll need treatment to have a second. Going through testing now. I’m 30 but my husband is 36. We always imagined kids close together and now everything is unknown. There’s been a lot of emotional turmoil over this. I wish we had started sooner. I was 25 when we got married; together since 19. We were settled and owned a home.
anon says
(hugs) I am really sorry you’re going through this. It’s hard and awful, and you feel like you can’t talk about it when you have another kiddo already. I’m thinking good thoughts for your family.
Anon. says
I got married at 27, had my first at 34 and #2 will be born about 2 weeks before my 37th birthday. Timing is different for everybody. We loved that we got to be married for 7 years before the first came along which allowed for a lot of spontaneous fun and travel that’s difficult now with a toddler. For me, being an ‘older’ mom has been a blessing in that I am significantly more confident now than at 27. I think I’m more able to own my choices and not get sucked into the various guilt-trips/comparison traps that come with motherhood. I am also among the last of my college friends (but among the first of my law school friends) to have kids, so I get the bonus of all of their experience.
Knope says
I had just turned 27 when we started trying and ended up having my first just before I turned 29 (took a while to get pregnant). DC area. Trying for #2 now at 31. Like others said, it was feeling “settled” that drove the decision – we had just bought a house and both of us had a solid career.
Anonymous says
Started trying at 28, pregnant and delivered at 29. It took 6 months to get pregnant the first time. We got married youngish, and wanted to keep the door open for 3 kids so we started earlier than friends. I had my 3rd kid at 34.5.
It took 6 months to get pregnant with my first, 8 months with my second and the first try with my 3rd.
There is never a good time. However, we both had jobs (when we started trying- DH got laid off while I was pregnant and started a new job the week after our first was born!). We were both done with grad school. We owned a condo that could fit a crib in it.
Now, I’m 36 and my kids are 2,4 and 7. I have friends that are pregnant and I’m so glad that’s behind me. We’d be wealthier if we waited, but we do just fine.
For those that are in a position to start earlier (eg you have a partner), I encourage giving it some thought even if it seems suboptimal (rental/student loans/want to travel more etc). All 3 of my kids got to meet my grandmother, who is 93, and got to meet DH’s parents, who are late 70s.
I’m in a different place career wise than if I’d waited until 35 to start, but I’m OK with that.
GCA says
I don’t think there’s a perfect time, and I’m fairly certain our trajectory is a bit crazypants to some. I was 30 with my first, 33 with the second. When we had kid 1, DH had just started a PhD program after working for several years in the same field, and I had just left my somewhat-stable job to freelance (in the rapidly freefalling media industry, so I didn’t feel it was a huge opportunity cost to do so). We rented out our apartment and moved from Asia to the US. So – new start, no career, no assets, two kids! But at that point we’d done plenty of traveling and were ready for a different adventure.
qcgc says
I had my first at 30 and my second at 33. Took 2 years (and many miscarriages) to get pregnant with my first and 6 months with second. I wish we had started earlier both because it took a long time and I think the entry to parenthood was tougher for me because I was used to our DINK life for so long (this was not an issue for DH though). One benefit to waiting a few years was that DH and I were better communicators than we were early in marriage. There’s no perfect time. I probably enjoy more flexibility as a senior associate and a new partner with a new one but it also cuts the other way – my production will be down for a year or two and that’s bad.
Anon says
I didn’t meet my husband until 27, we bought a house and got married at 28, and started trying about a year later. We’d talked about waiting 2 years to spend some time DINK and just enjoying being married, but my mother ended up getting diagnosed with stage IV cancer, and that kind of lit a fire under me that life’s too short to wait. We got pregnant right away and had our first when I was 30. Mom’s in remission (for the second time) and after 9 months of trying at 32 (almost 33) I am newly pregnant with no. 2 (waiting for a blood test and ultrasound to confirm heartbeat). We’re on the fence about whether we would want a third, and part of what plays into that is that assuming this is a successful pregnancy and we wait the recommended year post c-section and get pregnant relatively quickly (a lot of if’s), I would likely be having no. 3 at 35 (and DH is five years older than me). We look at some younger parents who have way more energy and sometimes think we’re too old for this, but I was also telling a friend the other day that as an “older mom” (compared to the early twenty-somethings I see out and about in our area, recognizing that I’m still quite young and plenty of people older than me have babies) I have a lot more confidence in my decision-making in my 30s than I did in my 20s, and that leads to a lot less anxiety about all of the parenting choices. I just DGAF about others’ opinions of what we choose to do. So, had I met my husband earlier, we probably would have had kids younger (and probably more of them), but I’m also a more confident parent and there’s something to be said about being financially stable and not having to worry (overmuch) about money once you get pregnant. There is never a good time to have kids though, and plenty of people raise happy, healthy children with a lot less financial stability than we have.
Anon says
TLDR: life is short and I’m glad I had kids young. Talk to me in a decade to see if I regret the career consequences.
My husband and I each had a parent with cancer, which contributed to our starting to have kids on the younger side for our area (I was 28 when my first was born). We had been together forever, had financial security and one of us had career security, had excellent health insurance and access to excellent medical care, and lived in a small rented apartment in a city we planned on staying in forever. Also, while we had no particular reason to believe we’d have fertility or genetic issues, having kids earlier helped our chances on that front.
I’m so happy that my parent who died got to know my children, especially my older one, before passing. That they had a relationship (even if kiddos will mostly remember through photos) means the world to me.
Downside: I want to spend way more time with my kids than my career allowed (I don’t want to be a SAHM, but I like picking up my kids at 4 a few times a week and not sweating long vacations or sick days). Therefore, I shifted my career to a less traditional path. There’s a chance it’ll be way better than the beaten path, and a chance that I trashed an otherwise promising career.
hurlyburly says
There is no perfect time – you’ll make it work. I had my first at 35 in the middle of graduate school; we moved back home (halfway across the world) when she was a few months old, and I had my second here at 38 (after a year of trying). I kinda wish we had started earlier – maybe we’d have more energy? maybe we’d try for a third? – but it was also nice to have a few years of married life just to ourselves.
Anon says
There genuinely is no perfect time. I got married at 27 and gave birth to my daughter at 29. I ideally would have waited another 2-3 years and traveled more but DH is 6 years older and he was really, really ready for parenthood. I’m now expecting #2 and will be 32 when our second (and last!) child is born. I’m glad we had a few years of married life just “us”, because your relationship and dynamic completely changes when you have a kid. It’s also interesting for me to be a “younger” mom, because my mom was 38 when I (her first child) was born. She was an incredible mom and is still insanely active for her age, but sometimes I’m glad I will likely not be pushing 70 when my first grandkids are born.
Anonymous says
I had my first at 32, second at 36. Our hope was to have the first at 29 or 30 but due to significant health issues/associated infertility and miscarriage, it took much longer. Took a long time to get pregnant with my second child as well – but also I was just not physically ready to have pregnancies close together. I still wish we had been able to have them a little younger because I want as much time with them as possible !! On the plus side we are more financially secure in our mid 30s.
Yes says
Similar ages, I was 33 with my first and 35 with my second. Pregnant at 32 but had a loss, but was fortunate to get pregnant again quickly.
If I had to do it over again, I probably would have started one year earlier. Unfortunately, I had severe issues with pain during s*x for most of the early years of marriage, to the point where we couldn’t do it at all. It took me several years of searching around for an answer until I finally discovered pelvic floor therapy, and only after that was I able to conceive.
I’m now 40 and would love a third, but my husband is not on board. :(
anon says
Wow, looks like I am by far the oldest to respond here – had my first at 40, and now trying for #2 at 41 (using frozen embryos). i would have loved to have had them younger (I was ready by my early 30s), but unfortunately I had a series of failed relationships throughout my 30s and was about to go the SMBC route when I met my husband at 37. Nonetheless, I am so grateful to be a mom, even if it didn’t play out the way I imagined when I was younger. My son is the best thing that ever happened to me.
OldMama says
Oh hi! I’m here to take the Oldest Mama crown! I had my first at 31, second at 35, and third one right after I turned 43. My youngest is three years old now. The 8-year spacing between the second and the third is both ideal and not ideal. We didn’t struggle with any fertility issues (except for a couple early miscarriages), so we were relatively lucky on that. I do wish we had started earlier, because I had no idea that I would love parenthood so much, and would love the option for a fourth. (Younger me would never have believed that.). This stuff isnt easy; good luck.
AnotherAnon says
I really appreciate all the “older” mom stories on here. We started TTC at 27. I’m now 34. The past seven years have been a combo of ob/gyns telling me:”relax!” or “I don’t do fertility questions” and REs telling me “just do IVF.” I was finally diagnosed with stage 4 endometriosis last year. I finally found an RE interested in addressing my problems rather than just doing IVF (which probably would not have worked for me anyway). I’m having my second surgery in a couple weeks, but my friends are on their last pregnancies with multiple kids already and it feels lonely.
anonn says
“I do wish we had started earlier, because I had no idea that I would love parenthood so much”- this is me. Was scared of motherhood so we waited until I was 33, trying for a 2nd at 36. Secretly hoping for twins so we’ll have 3.
Anon says
I know, I’m surprised by how young most of the responses are. I was 34 with my first, not by choice but life happens. I knew I was older IRL but thought there were more older moms here than apparently there are
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Um, yeah +1 to this. Also I live in D.C., and felt like everyone had a kid, if not multiple, by 30. I don’t think the NYC rules of “older” mums apply as much here, sorry.
Was 34 when I had DS. Hoping to be 37-38 if we’re lucky enough to have #2. Maybe it’s because my Mom had my brother close to 40, and all of our friends are either just starting or have kids 3 or under, never felt a lot of pressure.
DH and I were married 3 years, but together 7 years total before having DS. Loved our time as a unit just us + puppy. Still not feeling “settled” (we rent, are actually moving out of state later this year, and I’m looking for a new job) but juggling with the fact that there are always going to be multiple pieces to manage.
Anonymous says
I also thought this crowd would skew older. I had my first earlier this year at age 35. Met DH at age 31, married at 33, got pregnant at 34. We were planning to have a 2nd around age 37-38 but I had serious complications with my first that could happen again, and I’m not sure I want to roll those dice. I guess we have some time to decide for sure.
Anon says
First just before I turned 31, second at 33, third at 35. We started trying about six months after we got married – I had this thought that I wanted my first at 30 (and barely made it). We’ve been lucky in that we didn’t have fertility struggles but two of my pregnancies were high risk and this last one in particular was pretty brutal.
I actually kind of want a fourth (!) but am not sure I’m up for another pregnancy or putting my body at risk that way again given how happy I am with my three. Definitely have some baby fever though (youngest is five months and I’m loving it)
I’d also probably have to quit my job though. Agh.
But yeah, would have started earlier if I could have because I knew I wanted 3-4 and I think it’s easier to be pregnant when you are younger!
Anonymous says
I am 32 and trying for my first, and it is taking longer than expected (we are eight months in) and I regret not trying earlier. On the one hand, I really did not feel ready for a baby – I was (am) terrified of being pregnant/giving birth, my husband and I had hectic jobs, and I just liked my life and was worried about changing it. On the other hand, there is never a good time to have kids. My life has not changed at all in 6 years (same job, apartment, husband, etc.), so there wasn’t really a real reason to wait other than a general feeling of “I’m really just not ready.”
While I know intellectually that if I had started trying 2-3 years ago like my most of my friends, it probably still would have taken this long because we are just unlucky in this area, I can’t help but feel that I should have started earlier now that we are about to begin fertility testing. I also feel somewhat isolated – I am the only one of my close friends who didn’t get pregnant within 3 months of trying, and all of my close friends have small kids, so their lives look very different now. It sounds silly, but I really under estimated the social/emotional impact of being one of the last ones to have kids, and it’s taken more of a toll on me than I expected.
anon says
Hugs to you. I did not get my self together in the romance department and distinctly remember being at my friend’s wedding, hearing my other two friends talk about breastfeeding, and being like wow I can’t even get my current guy to commit to coming to a wedding with me and here are the rest of my friends talking about latching. My situation was way more about my own choices than yours, although for as boy-crazy as I was I think I dated people whom I knew weren’t marriage material because I really just wasn’t ready for marriage.
When I did get married and then did have fertility issues I felt like even more of a loser in the personal life department (professionally I was doing fantastic). Friends all had kids, etc. What I will say is that…I got to learn from all their mistakes! Wedding planning was a breeze — I knew exactly what I wanted and what I didn’t, and had no regrets. Finally having that baby? Friends were hugely supportive because they really knew what it was like — I got some of their used stuff but just enormous amounts of emotional support from all of them. And now I am watching them navigate schools for their kids and learning what to do and not do when I think about private versus public, what town we want to end up in, etc. In some ways being last in this area is awesome.
Reluctant New Yorker says
Had my first at 23 and second at 25, had been married for 2 years and with my husband for 5 when our first was born. In some ways it would have been easier to be more established and more financially successful first, although we were both through grad school and gainfully employed already, but I have no regrets. Our kids are amazing and I am thankful for the extra years with them. My grandmother died at 65 when I was a teenager, and the fact that she had her kids young enough to still get almost 40 years with all of them (and 15 years as a very involved grandmother) made a big impression on me. Career-wise it is working out pretty well, and once they are out of the house I will still have another couple decades left to pursue something else if I want to.
Anon for this says
Started trying at 29, first baby right after I turned 30. Decided based on various factors, including wanting the option to have 3.
Surprise! Post birth complications resulted in an emergency hysterectomy. So turns out age wasn’t an issue at all.
Highly advocate being healthy going in though- I otherwise would not be here ranting today.
Mrs. Jones says
I guess I’m the oldest mom here–first and only child at 38 after 2 months TTC.
Mrs. Jones says
Sorry, I missed seeing the older moms above!
Deema says
I was 28 when I had my first, just turned 30 when I had my second. We started TTC as soon as we got married, got married a year after we were engaged, got engaged a year after we moved in together, moved in together a year after we started dating, so there wasn’t really too much room to compress the timeline further. :) I also don’t wish we had started later — we’d had three kid-free years before #1 came along, and we were ready.
Anonymous says
I turned 28 a couple months before #1 was born, and was 32 when #3 was born. DH and I had been together for 6 years, married for 3 when I got pregnant, and we had lived abroad and traveled a lot together. Career-wise, we were both on a solid track and making (barely) 6 figures, and we had no debt except for 1 car loan between the two of us. We bought a house when I was 5 months pregnant.
I am younger than many moms with similar age kids in the DC area, but not extremely so. I wouldn’t change anything. Admittedly, I was really fortunate that all these things lined up. DH and I both wanted at least 2 kids, we didn’t want to be older parents (his parents had him at 40 and the difference in how much they are able to keep up with the grandkids compared to my my parents who are 10+years younger is striking), and we didn’t have any reason to keep putting it off.
Paging—pediatricians in dc says
We love capitol medical group on CT in Chevy Chase. We see Dr. Kadowitz for well visits but have seen almost all the doctors for sick visits and really like most of them. And, they have drop in sick hours weekdays from 7-8 am (as well as same day sick appointments). This is a game changer for us. And we’ve been very pleased with the level of care. Oh, and they have a wonderful lactation consultant on staff, so if you need help at your 48 hour appt (or after), it’s available, convenient, and I found it super helpful with both my kids.
Anon Mama says
Has anyone used those new Freemie bre@st pumps? Are they up to all the hype? Also, what are the odds insurance covers?
Anon says
I had Freemies a few years ago (not sure if there’s a new model) and I highly recommend cups in your bra over the traditional horns pumping set up. It made pumping suck less, it was easier to work while pumping, and I didn’t have to worry about privacy as much.
Freemies themselves were fine—not sure if there are better cup-style pumps on the market now.
Insurance covered it through a breast pump supply company.
CDA says
What were some of your favorite high-energy/calorie-dense, pregnancy-friendly foods?
I’ve always been petite and with a fast metabolism (genetics). I’m currently 4 months pregnant, hungry all the time, and eating all the time… but I’m not yet gaining the weight that my doctor would ideally prefer. (There’s no emergency; I’ve gained some and the pregnancy is progressing well, but I’m still slightly underweight.) What are some tips for adding some additional energy/calories (and variety) to my diet? So far, I’m putting peanut butter, hummus, and/or avocado on about everything, but I need some new ideas, please!
Anonymous says
I would ask your doctor to test your thyroid too. I had the same issue, chalked it up to a fast metabolism, and although I only gained 15 pounds my whole pregnancy, the baby was healthy (and big! almost 9 lbs). But then I got diagnosed with overactive thyroid a few months later, and my doctor suspects my thyroid was the cause of my inability to gain the correct amount of weight while pregnant.
Go for it says
I was you, one thing that helped me was full fat ice cream….a pint a night :)
Anonymous says
Full fat yogurt. But heads up – I have a fast metabolism and had the same problem both pregnancies. Barely gain anything until the end of the second trimester. Like maybe gain 2lbs by 4-5 months. But then I put on like 20lbs in my third trimester which is not the norm. Most people put on the most in the 2nd trimester. First baby was normal size 7lbs, second baby was 9.5lbs. So basically if your doctor isn’t worried and the 20 week scan looks fine I wouldn’t worry or go overboard. Doctors both times have told me you only need to gain 20-25lbs really if you do the math of baby weight/placenta/blood/b**bs/extra fat for bfing. The weight DOES come haha
AwayEmily says
Agreed that WHEN you gain the weight varies a lot by person. With both my kids I gained 1-2 pounds the first trimester, 20 in the second trimester, and none in the third. Both kiddos were normal weight and my doctor wasn’t that concerned since everything kept measuring fine.
Irish Midori says
Ditto. If your doctor isn’t concerned, I wouldn’t get too worked up about it, esp. at 4 months. The weight gain usually speeds up later, and you may not see much the first half or even 2/3.
Anonymous says
I was on the border between normal weight and underweight when I got pregnant, and my doctor told me my weight gain target was 22 lbs. I had HG for the entire 9 months and managed to gain 17 lbs total, and she never commented that it wasn’t enough. The baby will take what it needs from you.
anne-on says
+1, also with HG. I think I gained about 15-17lbs over my PP weight (once I gained back the weight I lost in the first 5 months). The baby was big, over 8lbs, and arrived past my due date. As my obgyn stated, they’re resilient and will take what they need from you.
anon says
+2 to “the baby will take what it needs from you.” I was also slightly underweight at pregnancy and gained 17 lbs or so. My OB never worried and repeatedly called my baby a parasite lol. I didn’t have HG, but I did have GD and so I had to carefully manage my diet anyway for the entire pregnancy. Baby was born perfectly healthy at 6.5 lbs.
GCA says
If you’re eating to meet your appetite, I wouldn’t worry about the weight gain. I have a similar frame and metabolism (no thyroid or any other health issues) and put on most of my 35lbs in the 3rd trimester each time. Both babies were around 7.5lbs and jaundice was their only health issue. As for snacks – do you eat dairy? I joke that my newborns were about 50% made of cheese. Also try: eggs, trail mix, apple slices with peanut butter, ice cream, lentil chips with guacamole, and burritos. (Now I’ve made myself hungry. Is it lunchtime yet?)
Anonymous says
Smoothie with full fat yoghurt and protein powder for breakfast. Make enough to bring with you so you can have a mid-afternoon treat as well.
Liberte meditaranee is like 10% and delish!
Io says
Ignore your doctor. B/C at some point the doctor will whine that you’ve gained too much. And post-partum your GP will whine that you haven’t lost it all. (Ask me how I know.)
drpepperesq says
i know costco sells them, but i think they’re not exclusively there- they are called Heavenly Hunks, and i love the oatmeal chocolate chip flavor.
CDA says
Thank you, all! Super helpful
Boston Legal Eagle says
Did anyone listen to the latest Best of Both Worlds ep this morning? I don’t want to spoil it, but WOW.
Cb says
I know! I had seen the news on Instagram and had to go and listen to it. Definitely a you do you situation…
GCA says
Heh, I had to unfollow and stop listening a while back when the smug neoliberal strain of feminism became too much for me. Which is not to say there was nothing useful in there, it just wasn’t for me.
EB0220 says
I am super curious to know what you mean exactly! What in particular bothered you?
anon says
Both of the hosts — but especially Laura — really gloss over the structural issues that can make working parenthood difficult. All solutions are left to the individual, one who has a ton of money and can outsource anything vaguely unpleasant. Some of their solutions are actually pretty helpful, but the lack of balance and the smug tone is so off-putting. Many professionals work full-time+ hours, in positions that don’t pay $200K/year, you know? Whenever a listener pushes back on suggestions, the tone is basically, “I don’t have a hard time with this; sorry that you do.” Laura is especially not-empathetic about mom guilt.
Anonymous says
Yeah I listened to it once or twice and found her tone very off-putting – she was very smug and money was her only answer for everything. Lots of us can’t afford to outsource everything (I have a grad degree and earn $50k) and even if you can afford it, many people don’t have access to the services that are available in big cities. We had a REALLY hard time just finding a monthly house cleaning service, there are two services in our area and they both typically only clean commercial buildings, not residences.
GCA says
Yes, the things people have mentioned. The Gemma Hartley BOBW episode was what did it for me. Plus not everyone has flexibility (and/ or/ as a tradeoff for) money – some families have neither.
Cb says
I enjoy Laura’s work and love Sarah but sometimes the tone of the podcast does get to me. Big jobs does not always equal big salaries. Our HHI is about £75,000 and in our HCOL, this doesn’t add up to a nanny, additional care, or any of those outsourcing tasks. We live in a 2 bed/1 bath flat and that’s about what we can stretch due right now. I think a reality check – a third host or even a gut-checker who works in a full-on job at a lower salary.
AwayEmily says
I totally agree and I pin this like 90% on Laura. I feel like Sarah sometimes tries to push back but gets steamrolled by Laura. Laura has this attitude of “the way I do it is the right way, and everyone else who is struggling is only struggling because they aren’t doing what I do do.” She doesn’t seem to get that many people just don’t have the resources to do it her way (ie a full time nanny plus flexible schedule plus childcare).
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I agree with this. This latest news just kind of solidifies that she is in a totally different world than most other working parents. I always laugh a little when I hear the tagline of this show being about “real” working women – admittedly, I probably fall into the audience she’s targeting but I know a large majority of working moms don’t.
I do like Sarah and I like the guests that they have on so I keep listening. We’ll see after January…
qcgc says
Totally agree though if you read Sarah’s blog I feel like Laura is rubbing off on her. They both seem to really not enjoy parenting and want to outsource every aspect of it. Which is great if you can do that and are comfortable with it but it’s not helpful for me as a listener.
AnotherAnon says
BOBW is my soap opera; every week I convince myself not to bring it up here because I have nothing nice to say, but I can’t stop listening. LVK does not have a traditional, 40 hours in the office job, nor does she parent (she has TWO nannies!), so I find her advice on both subjects at best laughable and at worst highly frustrating. Just throw money at it, stupid! Have any of you found a good alternative mom podcast? One about women who 1) actively parent and 2) have a traditional job and 3) don’t outsource everything? Is that too much to ask?
Anonymous says
That would be nice…but those women don’t have time to do podcasts!!
Anon says
Wow, I never thought I would see a comment on this s!te saying a mom with two nannies “doesn’t parent.” That is insanely judgy and unkind to mothers who work long hours. I don’t know anything about this Laura person but I thought it was sort of CorporetteMoms 101 that we are all raising our kids, regardless of our childcare arrangements. (Personally, I use daycare not a nanny so I have no dog in this fight – just saying the comment made me do a doubletake.)
Deema says
When I first started listening to BOBW, I didn’t like it because, honestly, it made me feel defensive. Her, “You DO have the time” message regarding things like exercise, reading books, etc. rubbed me the wrong way as a mom of two littles who felt I absolutely could NOT fit in the time for the gym.
But I’ve grown to like it more as I realized… she has a point. It is actually okay not to feel guilty about going to the gym for one hour three nights a week — that’s still 165 hours you’re NOT going to the gym that you can spend on other things, including time with your kids, if you wish.
And I am blessed to be in a financial position to outsource a lot, and I do definitely think that’s her target audience. It doesn’t make it a bad podcast or her a bad person, but I can definitely see how her message would be inapplicable to lots of people — just like a SAHM podcast probably wouldn’t resonate with most people on this board.
anon says
Yeeeesh. I stopped listening a few months ago, but out of curiosity, I went to her blog to see what was up.
Anon8 says
Does anyone think having 5 kids is insane when you both have big jobs and are so busy? I just don’t get how each kid gets the love and attention needed. To each their own, but I really truly don’t get it. I know it seems great to have a bunch of adult kids around the Thanksgiving table, but what about raising them, I wonder if they grow up to feel like they got enough time with their parents and if they enjoyed having to share resources with siblings
Anonymous says
I think having five kids is insane regardless of how much you work. It’s terrible for the environment.
anon says
Yes, it absolutely is insane. I have the same thoughts about how in the world is each child getting what he/she needs NOW? Not 20 years from now, but today. Kids will adapt to what they get, but that doesn’t mean it’s optimal or good.
I’m the oldest of 4. My parents were/are wonderful, but even with my mom staying at home, I sometimes felt like individual attention was in short supply. That was a major factor in deciding to have only two kids — that, and working full time.
Deema says
Cosign on this one — as one of five, I felt I had a great childhood, but looking back, I missed out on a lot that I might have been able to do had I been an only or one of two. I am two and done in large part for this reason. We can give our kids the world as it is (knock on wood), and I think the benefit to them of our less-divided attention/time/energy/money far outweighs any benefit they would realize from additional siblings.
Anonymous says
This. We only have three and struggle to provide them with sufficient individual attention. I don’t see how there are enough hours in the day to provide each child with individual attention.
Anonymous says
I think it’s impossible to give more than two or three kids enough individualized attention even if you are a SAHM. My husband was the youngest of four widely spaced children, and his parents just didn’t have any time or energy left by the time he came along. He marvels at the amount of attention our only child requires. I am amazed that he made it out of childhood alive.
Anon says
On the flip side, they all get sibling relationships throughout life they wouldn’t have otherwise had. I’m from a big family and the judgment is totally unjustified IME.
Technically I guess the ideal thing for the environment would be to have zero kids, so I don’t think it’s fair to say 2-3 is fine because that’s your norm but anything more than that is not ok.
Clementine says
FWIW – the difference between 2 and 4 isn’t as much as you would think…
In my experience, it’s more about the kids and their age span and own needs.
Anonymous says
Ohhh Link to her blog pls?
Anon says
Theshubox dot Com and lauravanderkam dot come
Anon says
Laura’s podcasts and books fill an important need, but she can be smug and grating. I’m sure that she and Sarah each earn five times as much as I do in household income. My spouse and I are still paying off student loans, and I’m working a side gig on top of a full-time job and motherhood to help us live within our means. So a lot of their advice and experiences are not helpful to me since I do not have extra money to spare.
There was one episode recently where Sarah was complaining about her stay at the Ritz and Laura was laughing that her kids do not like to eat lobster —— yes, wow, they are totally privileged and clueless about how this can come off to people with less means.
I’m intrigued that Laura is having another. Why? Is she Catholic? I do not understand. I thought the last one was a surprise and now another?
Anon says
Sarah is still whining about that “awful” vacation at the ritz on her blog today. I listen and read them still because there’s occasionally a nugget of advice but they’re out of touch. It makes me grateful for the community of commenters on this site who actually seem to enjoy being parents and bring lots of different perspectives.
Anon says
I don’t think this is fair. It doesn’t matter how nice your hotel is, traveling with young kids can suck a lot and you get no downtime whether that’s the Ritz or motel 8.
Anon says
Why talk about the fact that you stayed at the Ritz over and over? Why not just describe what happened at the hotel and why it was hard?
Anon says
Then talk about the fact that you had no downtime and what the kids were doing that was annoying, you don’t have to keep saying Ritz Ritz Ritz WE WERE AT THE RITZ over and over again. It’s humble-bragging and name-dropping.
Anonymous says
Figure out how old you want to be when your kids finish high school and work backwards from there. We wanted to make sure they finished college (first degree) before we retired at 60 so that meant last kid around when DH was 38. We were married about 4 years before we started trying. I probably would have enjoyed a couple more kid free years but I didn’t want DH to be over 40 when we had kids. Autism runs in my family so we wanted DH to be under 40 for all kids to reduce the risk. We wanted more than one kid. That meant we started trying when I was 31 and he was 35. Second pregnancy at 34/38.
Obiviously you can only plan so much. My sister had 6 pregnancies and 2 live births. It took 9 years to complete their family.
anon says
I’m doing some long stretches of solo parenting this fall and I haaaate it. And this is not new; I’ve been doing it a long time. It is seasonal, it will end, but it pushes me to the edge. It does not help that I’m in my own busy season at work right now. Mentally, how do I do a better job reframing this? I’m not so much looking for practical solutions (although that’s nice, too), but more — how do I not take out my frustrations on DH when he returns? I tend to stuff down my feelings and power through, until I can’t, and I blow up. He is well aware that I don’t like this situation — the solo parenting thing is just our reality for 3-4 months out of the year, and unfortunately, it overlaps with many of our weekends (which means I don’t get much time to recharge, making my own work season harder).
Annie says
So this is all practical not mental but: have your husband always be in charge of certain prep before he leaves to make it easier that he just routinely does for each trip (my husband had to make a dinner plan and get all the daycare bottle labels done e.g.), find a good podcast that you only listen to while doing the extra clean up at night, hire a mother’s helper for a few evenings a week, buy a treat drink/dessert that you get to have after the kids are asleep only when your husband is away, and plan something fun for yourself for when he is back and can cover the kids.
EB0220 says
Did you and your husband jointly decide that he would take or stay in this job? Is he working toward something specific that will benefit him/your family? Is this something that will end in a future year or not? I think if you both decided on this you need to a) remember why and b) feel free to revisit the discussion after a year or two if it’s really bad. If *he* chose this against your wishes then I think you have a different problem.
anon says
DH is a lifer at his job; quitting is sort of a nonstarter because he is not interested in moving on. So, the “why” is that he has a stable job that he’s really good at and mostly enjoys. And, I will say that working his tail off during 3-4 months of the year buys him some extra flexibility during the slower times. The pay is good. Still, it doesn’t exactly feel like a choice we made together, but one that I have begrudgingly accepted because he’s held the job since before we were married. I just never dreamed that he’d want to keep doing this, for this long. It’s the price of admission, to use Senior Attorney’s words. I’m also a bit bitter that he has this highly visible “cool” job, in the eyes of our friends and family (it’s related to a sports team); therefore, I am not allowed to complain or say it actually places a burden on me. And hello, I have my own full-time management job; I did not think I was signing up to be in the support role for my husband’s career.
OK, let the flames begin.
octagon says
I don’t think you deserve flames for this, it’s fair to say it worked at one point and it works less well for you now. But if he’s not interested in quitting, how can you get what you need during the hard times? Can you hire a sitter once a week so you can get some time off? Are your kids old enough that you could arrange sleepovers for them at the same time? Do you have grandparents who could come for a weekend to help?
And I suggest finding some time after his busy season ends that you get away by yourself or with friends to recharge. Plan it now and give yourself something to look forward to.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think you have every right to be upset and disappointed. You’re allowed to complain and let him know how much of a burden this places on you. If he’s not willing to quit, I think it’s worth sitting down and thinking through solutions of how you can get the help you need during this time (i.e. afterschool sitter, grocery/meal delivery, weekend sitter, etc.) But I know that this doesn’t solve one of the biggest problems – the mental load – that you both should be carrying but likely will fall to you to manage everyone and everything while he is away. Not easy solutions for that, but making him aware is a good first step.
Anonymous says
You don’t deserve flames for this. It is 100% legit for you to say to him that his career worked fine before kids, that you understand that he does not want to give up this job, but that post-kids his job is causing an unsustainable burden and if he wants to keep the job, he needs to take responsibility for coming up with and actioning solutions for your family. Maybe that involves a meal delivery service, a part-time weekend mother’s helper/nanny, personal trainer that comes to the house so you can work out when it fits best for you, whatever you need to make it work.
His job impacts on both of you and he needs to take responsiblity for helping you find a solution that is workable.
SC says
I can empathize with this. My dad was a minister at a mega-church, and when I was growing up, he worked 60-80 weeks for relatively little pay, plus his job also imposed obligations on my mom and me to basically spend our lives at church. Nobody is “allowed” to resent the fact that their husband or father is a minister because it’s a “calling.” OK, maybe it is a calling, but it still s*cked that every time you hinted of complaining that your dad was late to pick you up or didn’t show up to an event or didn’t come home until way after bedtime, everyone else rushed to defend him.
Anywaaaays, I think you’ve actually done a good job framing it here. There are some major pros–he has extra flexibility the rest of the year, and the pay is good. (Neither was true for my dad.) You begrudgingly accepted it, and he’s not ready to move on.
In my opinion, you need a safe place to “allow” yourself to be bitter.I recommend hiring a babysitter, meeting a friend who not a sports fan for a drink, and venting to that friend. Internet strangers can help. A real life friend can probably help more. If that’s not enough, maybe even a few sessions of counseling just to process the feelings without someone taking it upon themselves to defend your husband.
Also, I’m no expert on sports teams, but is there a community of similarly situated spouses and kids who may be able to offer support or at least suggest resources?
You didn’t ask for practical advice, but if you’re not already, this seems like a great time to “throw money at it.” Fly in some of those family members who think his job is so cool and have them watch the kids. Hire babysitters. If it’s available, send laundry out. Pick up (or have delivered) those meal kits from the grocery store.
rosie says
I think that from a practical perspective, you should hire more help, whether it’s childcare in evenings and/or weekends, housecleaning, meal prep, grocery delivery, all of the above, etc. Having overlapping busy seasons sounds really really tough.
From a reframing perspective, I think that it is a huge plus if he is energized and happy at his job versus having the job as a source of stress (you haven’t necessarily said this is the case, but it sounds like it is, sorry if that assumption is wrong). I find having a spouse dealing with a lot of job anxiety to be a particular emotional toll.
And you are absolutely allowed to complain. Maybe it’s cool and flashy, but it’s sports! It’s not like you’re complaining because he’s working long hours doing a life-saving surgery only he can perform (and of course the spouse of that person is also totally justified in complaining). Sounds like maybe you need a few new friends if this is actually the reaction you’re getting.
anon says
All good ideas, ladies, and I really do appreciate the kind words of advice. Carrying the mental load, on top of the caretaking duties, is what makes this extra hard, I think. For this weekend, at least, I’m going to find a mother’s helper to take off some of the pressure. The grandparents are way less helpful than I’d like, TBH, but I may call upon the in-laws anyway. That comes with its own complications and mental/emotional labor, which is why I’ve hesitated to exercise that option on any regular basis.
I just keep assuming that this will get easier when the kids are older, but that hasn’t been the case. The sheer amount of energy required to be “on” all the time is hard. Plus stuff around the house just isn’t getting done, which makes the following week feel more chaotic. Even acknowledging that I’m drowning is hard. If anything, I’ve probably done *too* good of a job sucking it up all these years and trying not to guilt trip my husband for being away.
EB0220 says
Since I asked the original question, I just want to make it clear that you’ll get no flames from me! I just thought the backstory was important to understand how you might reframe. I think you’ve gotten great advice.
Another thing that has really helped me is just having someone come over – a friend, neighbor or MIL just to have dinner and hang out with us. Somehow having another adult there really lifts my spirits. Kids can be frustrating and not the best company so it’s nice to have some adult interaction.
I also agree that venting to a friend or a counselor could help. You may need to get some of those feelings out to someone who is impartial. Then you can figure out the important things that you really do need to talk with your husband about.
Good luck! In seasons like this, I survive on Grubhub, babysitters and trash TV that my husband would hate. We regularly have “pizza picnics” when he’s traveling, aka order pizza and plop the kids on a blanket in front of the TV while I do whatever. I send the dog to daycare way more often. I hire lots of babysitters (at least once a week). I send out laundry. I do projects I’ve been looking forward to.
I’ve also found that it helps everyone if he remains included in decision-making. For example, when we first became parents and my husband traveled 80% I just made all of the decisions. Now even if he’s traveling I make a point to give him kid school updates, ask him to do look into x or order y. Perfect? No. Better than me doing everything? Yes.
Another Anon says
I am the very bitter poster from the post last week in the thread about spouses never being home for bed time. No flames here — my H is similarly devoted to his job (although doesn’t seem to enjoy it as much as yours) and it has a ‘saving the world’ veneer that makes it similarly hard to really feel like I can complain, although I do. Even though I knew his schedule was like this before we had a kid. So I’d say complain away, plenty of people manage to have interesting careers they care about and be around to parent (most, if not all, of the posters on this blog, for example), kids change things. But at the end of the day, you’re still exhausted from being the primary parent.
Also, I agree, it’s not really the hands-on aspect that wears me down, it’s the mental load.
One thing that I like to do when my H is working late or traveling is meet a friend with kids at the park for a picnic dinner and get take out, rather than try to pack anything up. It gives me social time and entertains the kids — hosting pizza or something similar at home in the winter months would also work, but does require more clean up.
Anon says
Gosh, this doesn’t deserve flames at all. Sounds like you are really missing a support system – even if he has an objectively cool job, of course solo parenting sucks and everyone who loves you should agree with that and be there for your complaints!! If you don’t have someone in real life you can definitely come here to complain. Also, I would encourage you to have a talk with your husband that puts the responsibility on him to make this job work for your family as a whole. Currently his job is cool dad + absent dad and your job is busy worker + over-extended mom – does he think that arrangement is fair and good for everyone? If not, he needs to either find a different job or arrange it so you are not solo parenting as much (like arranging to fly in friends or family to help you or finding and hiring a nanny or mother’s helper every other weekend he is away).
So Anon says
Agree with the others about sitting down with your partner to work out practical ways to make it through these seasons, should you both decide they continue.
As for mental framing, a few things help get me through. The first is acknowledging that its not difficult because you are doing something wrong; it is difficult because some situations are just hard, and single parenting (even for a week or season) falls into that camp. I would frame these months as a special season where things are different. Are there things that your partner doesn’t like that you do, foods, activities, etc? Do them now and enjoy it. Give yourself extra space to let things go a bit: cereal for dinner, more screen time if it lets you catch your breath when you get home from work, PJs all day on the weekends (for everyone – you included), and then when your partner is back, have a reset conversation that its time to go back to baseline. Hold early bedtimes for your kids. I need those few hours in the evening to myself. My biggest strategy is that I go into each week (sometimes day) recognizing that I will probably loose my sh&t, or want to, at least once. I will think “what on earth am I doing?!” and seriously question all life choices. Note that this can be brought on by a firedrill at work or a kid who insists her shoes feel funny. When that moment arises, I do my best to acknowledge it, “oh! here is that moment! I knew it was coming and now I have reached it.” Walk out of the room/situation, laugh at myself and go back in. I know it sounds corny, but I think it really helps to expect that I’m not going to be able to keep it all together all of the time. Then, when I do come unglued, I don’t beat myself up and I’m far less likely to actually yell in the moment.
anon says
This is good advice — thank you. I do tend to beat myself up for losing my cr@p, which is inevitable at some point.
Anonymous says
“its not difficult because you are doing something wrong”
So much this. Parenting small children is difficult. Solo parenting is difficult. Doing both is very difficult. You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re human. It takes a village, so when your DH is less available, make a plan for replacing the work he carries.
BabyMom says
I’m in a similar-but-different situation with my husband. I solo parent several days every week (as opposed to continuously for a whole season). My husband is an EMT so his schedule has him working two 14 hour night shifts every eight days, plus two 10 hour day shifts, so if he’s working his nights during the week, I’m solo parenting two days and if his days fall on the weekend, that’s all me, too. (If he wants to or has to work OT, it’s even more.). The way I try to frame it is that we’re a team, so we each take turns picking up things at home. As part of that, I try to take advantage of the times when he has more flexibility (his days off during the week) and use those to stay late at/travel for work or schedule appointments for myself or whatever. I think it’s important that it’s not just a one-way street (and I think it’s important for my kids to see that it’s not a one way street). Understood that things are slightly different when the time that you don’t have flexibility is months at a time instead of days at a time, but I’ve found things a lot easier to deal with if I think things are 50/50 overall, even if they’re not 50/50 at the moment. (Also, I remind myself that things will hopefully get easier as the kids get older – mine are 2 years, 14 months and 1 month now. If this assumption is incorrect, please don’t set me straight.)
Anonymous says
Just looking for some support. I posted a few weeks ago about bleeding in early pregnancy. I had my HcG beta levels checked, per the advice here, and they were all good. I then had a discouraging ultrasound. At 7 weeks since LMP, they saw an empty gestational sac measuring 5 weeks. We had a 2 week wait – some of the hardest two weeks of my life – and then a follow-up scan yesterday. The fetus was now measuring only 6w (vs 9 since LMP), but did have a yolk sac, fetal pole and possibly a faint heartbeat. I have to wait another 2 weeks for a follow-up to see if it’s growing. The doctor says to be optimistic, but I feel so discouraged. It doesn’t seem possible for the dates to be nearly 3 weeks off. If this isn’t a viable pregnancy, I just want it to be over with. The waiting is agony, my poor husband is a wreck. Have any of you been through this? Any advice? Crying at my office right now. I’m also crazy morning sick. It’s like I have all of the misery of pregnancy and none of the joy.
anon says
It sounds like you may have ovulated late? That seems plausible. I’d ignore the LMP date. When did you get your first positive HPT?
Fingers crossed and good luck!
Anonymous says
Thanks so much. I got the positive test August 25, so it doesn’t seem possible I’d only be 6 weeks yesterday. I’m breastfeeding still, so it makes sense that my periods aren’t perfectly regular.
T says
That seems perfectly reasonable to me, actually! So I wouldn’t lose hope. I got a positive test at 9 days post ovulation, which if it happened for you could have ovulated around August 14th or 15th – which puts you exactly at 6 weeks now.
T says
Agh, shoot, just realized my math is not super right on that given pregnancy dating is so weird. But ultimately – bodies are wonkier than we think and fingers crossed that it works out fine for you.
Anon says
I am so sorry you’re going through this. Thinking of you and hoping for the best.
anon says
I am really sorry. Have been there, too, and wishing you the best.
anon for this says
Hugs, it’s really hard. I agree with above posters that maybe your dates are off. There are reasons a fetus might develop more slowly…some harmless, some not. Having been in the latter category (and having pregnancy nausea/puking right up until my d&c…thanks), I would say you are totally justified in feeling whatever feels right to you in the moment, whether it’s excitement at being pregnant (you are, today!), being scared about the outcome, or whatever it is that you feel. You may already be planning this, but definitely have your husband attend all your future appointments with you so you can be together for whatever news you get. For now, cry in your office, take a walk around the block, get whatever fancy coffee drink or snack that you feel like you can stomach, be gentle with yourself. Sending you good thoughts.
Anonymous says
Thanks so much, I really appreciate the words from someone who has been thru this. Please tell me the d&c wasn’t too horrible? It’s what I’m really focusing on and terrified of right now.
anon for this says
Well, my experience wasn’t great, although I did not regret choosing the d&c. The procedure itself was fine — outpatient surgery, and I cried a lot before and after but I had minimal pain. I had retained material, so it took a while for things to get back to normal & I did take misoprostol about a week after the procedure (although I suspect it was much less painful than if I had done that from the start…and I’ve heard stories of people who went the medical route and then needed a d&c anyway). That was my first pregnancy, and I went on to have a living child from a subsequent pregnancy. The d&c gives you the option of testing the material for chromosomal issues, and in my case there was an abnormality incompatible with life. My OB was kind of lukewarm on the testing since it was my first loss, but I didn’t see the downside — it was covered by insurance IIRC and it gave me a little bit of closure.
I really hope that everything works out for you and that you don’t find yourself having to choose d&c vs misoprostol vs waiting. No way to predict how each option will go for you — no wrong choice, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard to decide. If you do end up with a d&c, it’s a very common procedure used in lots of different circumstances (such as after childbirth in cases of retained placenta) and is very safe. If you want to post an email address, happy to connect if that would be helpful — either to talk now or be available later.
anon for this says
Gah I realize this sounds really grim. Sorry. TL; DR: even with a not great post-op experience, I did not find the d&c that terrible and do not regret opting for it.
anon says
Agree with everything anon for this said, and will add my perspective since I used the misoprostol for my MMC – I had read horror stories online and was terrified, but in actuality it was not that bad. I had pretty heavy bleeding and cramping for one day and then it began to taper off (I spent a lot of time in the bathroom for the first 24 hours). I got pregnant with a healthy baby a few months later. You can and will get through this, no matter what happens. Hugs.
anon for this says
I had a d&c on Thursday. I had an empty sac at my 8 week ultrasound and no change when I came back a week later. I decided to do the d&c as an outpatient with anesthesia. For me, getting the IV for the anesthesia was the worst part. Woke up an hour after the procedure (which was done by my ob at the hospital). Left about an hour after I woke up. I’ve had some pressure/cramping but no pain. Very minimal bleeding. I also have a 2.5 year old so I haven’t been able to focus on the emotional side too much – although it’s been tough because they don’t want me to lift more than ten pounds, which includes the toddler. I’ll go back two weeks after the procedure for a check up with my doctor.
I hope you have a different outcome, but maybe this helps with some of your fear. I went back and forth between the medicine and the d&c and am very happy I did the d&c.
Anonymous says
Not exactly mommy related, but – has anyone had a double mastectomy? I’m considering a prophylactic one after a bad biopsy result that basically indicates a super high lifetime threat. I’m not well endowed, so I’m not super concerned about the cosmetic part of things. But any thoughts from anyone? Anyone know of any blogs or reputable sources? I’m feel like I’m swimming in uncharted waters…
FVNC says
A while back, someone (maybe on the main s i te?) posted a link to northcarolinacharm.com. The blogger there talks in detail about her experiences. I looked at it the other day because I’ve got a friend who’s having a double mastectomy in a few months — it seemed like it could be a good resource. I’m sorry you’re facing this decision.
Anonymous says
Thank you for sharing that. That was exactly what I was looking for.
Anoner says
Yes I have after finding out I had Brca 1 genetic mutation. It’s not an easy surgery but I have no regrets about the peace of mind it has given me. Give yourself 6 weeks off. Physically try to get in the best shape possible before- I didn’t and ended up needing physical therapy. Cosmetically you can do n*pple sparing which I did and they look pretty good. Emotionally, find a good therapist. I had many feelings about being judged by others for making this “choice”. Good luck!
Anonymous says
Thank you. That’s where I really hope to be sitting a year from now – feeling like I have peace of mind. Right now, I miss that feeling.
Coach Laura says
Here is the blogger’s post https://www.northcarolinacharm.com/2015/10/prophylactic-bilateral-mastectomy.html
She wrote (and still writes) extensively on her experience. She just had a revision surgery this week to replace a recalled implant.
Hope it helps.
Anon says
I have a kind of gross question, so feel free to skim past…but did anyone have issues with their kids wanting to wipe themselves after going number 2? Our 5 year old insists that we help him wipe still. We make him do a first attempt at least, but then he really wants us to help him after that. If we try to refuse, he gets suuuupppper upset so we usually give in. I’m not so concerned if he does it well or not, although he usually does it fine, more just that he needs to be independent here. (Not sure what he does at school. I think holds it which obviously isn’t good either). Any tips?? Help. ps my 3 year old seems to wipe herself just fine with no involvement from us. So weird.
Signed, Tired of Wiping Butts
Anonymous says
Honestly, I think that’s great in some ways that he wants help. I wish my 6 year old would occasionally ask rather than doing the slip-shod job she normally does. Can you try buying wet wipes for him (either the flushable kind or instruct him to throw it away)?
Anonymous says
Our 5 year olds still ask. We make them do the first try and then we check if more is needed. Seems like reliable wiping is more like a 7-8 year old thing. I don’t want them to get sore bums from not wiping well enough. Can you adjust his diet at all? One of ours has a harder time wiping due to consistency.
MDC says
Hah we just laid down a new policy with my almost five-year old son last night – he also wants us to wipe his butt after every poop, and we are also tired of doing it. We have now agreed that he will wipe himself for the most part, but we will do one final wipe following his last potty visit before bedtime (often includes poop). That way we can do some QC before bedtime and he takes responsibility for wiping most of the day. Fingers crossed that will work out…
Anonymous says
My 7 year old would still like me to do it for him, and often “forgets” or does a crappy job (heh heh) when he does it himself (which is most of the time). I have high hopes he’ll get the hang of it eventually, like before college.
H13 says
Still helping my six year old by his request. He can. He just doesn’t want to.
PregnantInSF says
How late into your pregnancy did you travel? I have a potential work trip next month to Japan during week 28. My OB said she wouldn’t do it because (1) flying over the ocean; (2) if you have complications you could get stuck; and (3) the chances of blood clots in your third trimester. What I’m hoping to understand is the likelihood of each of these risks. I’ve also heard advice ranging from “No travel after 28 weeks” to “any time before 32 weeks is ok”. (I’m 37 if that makes a difference here)
Anonymous says
It’s very personal. I didn’t travel past the point of viability (~24 weeks), except to cities where I had a support network and a place to stay if I was stuck there for 3+ months with a baby. I definitely wouldn’t have gone to Japan at 28 weeks. But I was extremely conservative about this stuff. I know someone who had a baby in Hawaii on their babymoon at 26ish weeks, and then had to find a way to afford to live in Hawaii for four months (insurance pays for the baby’s NICU stay but not the parents’ housing costs). The wife ended up losing her job because her FMLA expired before their baby could fly home. Her husband had to fly home and be apart from his preemie son for weeks at a time so as not to lose his own job. So yeah. I’m super paranoid about it.
Anon says
Agree it is personal risk tolerance. I have a good friend who had a very similar situation to the Hawaii one mentioned above, had a baby very early in another state and they were stuck living in that state with no support network and a preemie baby in the hospital for months. I think this was in the early 30 week range, but after seeing them go through this, I also framed it in my mind that any time past the point of viability was a risk this could happen and therefore I was super conservative with travel for my pregnancies. I would not have gone to Japan at 28 weeks. I just think the risk/reward while maybe not statistically weighted toward the risk side has SUCH a high level of downside relative to the level of reward of whatever the travel is for. But this is of course where others may disagree for themselves.
anne-on says
+1. I stopped traveling at about 26 weeks for that reason and there were more than a few horror stories at my old firm from women who gave birth at/before/after conferences NOT in their home states and then having to have their older children/husbands relocate down to them in the NICU. I had complications after a trip to the west coast around 24 weeks and stopped traveling after that.
Don’t prioritize work over your health!
Anon says
My friend works in a NICU in a vacation destination and advises the same. Some families who do not have the financial means to stay there w/ their NICU baby actually go home and back to work and come down to bring the baby home when he/she is discharged. I can’t imagine how heart wrenching that would be. I understand the financial necessity and would never want to put myself in that potential situation.
Anon says
I was conservative like this too, but I am generally very risk averse.
rosie says
So this was basically my personal comfort level — no where after viability I wouldn’t be ok delivering (NICU/hospital-wise) and living for several months.
However, it sounds like your OB is telling you her personal risk tolerance, and you want to understand your actual risk for all these things. I would push her to give you the info you want.
Anonymous says
I went to Italy around 23-26 weeks. We flew via England so my longest flight was still only like 5 hours. I definitely was uncomfortable on the way back and would not fly any later than that.
NYCer says
I flew to Europe from NYC at 22-23 weeks (8 hour flight), and to the west coast from NYC at 28-29 weeks (6 hour flight). Caveat that I flew business class both times, but it was absolutely fine and I wasn’t any more uncomfortable than I am at home, at my desk, etc.
That being said, Japan is A LOT further away… I probably wouldn’t do a 12-14 hour flight international trip that late in the pregnancy, though to echo the other posters, it is definitely a personal risk calculation.
layered bob says
Interesting, I am not this conservative about it. I have traveled (for fun!) at 35-36 weeks during two of my pregnancies, once to Colorado to do some hiking with my family in the mountains and once to Scotland for what was allegedly a work conference but really a chance to do some sightseeing with my kids before the next baby was born.
Both times we had a great time. I wore compression stockings and made sure to stay hydrated but that’s normal pregnancy behavior for me. I paid for extra legroom on the flights and did alphabets with my toes while seated. I researched good hospitals and NICUs before leaving just so I would have an idea of where I would want to go if I needed to, but my midwives were not worried at all. Other than that they were normal, fun trips with no special precautions.
Anonymous says
I think it depends very much on how your body handles air travel. I need compression socks even when not pregnant and my leg swelled all the way to my hip even with compression socks when I was 23 weeks pregnant. I had to elevate it overnight to get the swelling to go down enough to enjoy our vacation.
Anon says
I actually felt less worried about traveling post-35+ weeks (and did quite a bit). Caveat that I always flew first/business class, but my logic was – later in pregnancy = short (if any) NICU stay. When you’re pre-35 weeks, but post viability threshold, that was when I was most worried about getting stuck somewhere. I personally wouldn’t do it, but to each their own.
Anon. says
Agreed with all the above posters that it is generally a personal risk tolerance decision. My personal cut-off is 34 weeks. My last work trip is scheduled for 32 weeks right now and I just declined to travel for a week 35 meeting. With my first, my last pre-baby trip was at 33 weeks. That said, all of my travel is domestic with the longest flight at 4 hours. All of my travel is also to major metropolitan areas where I know that a high standard of care is available nearby. I don’t think that I’d make an overseas trip in the 3rd trimester both for the worst case scenario and the likelihood of just being overwhelmingly uncomfortable on the flights and while there.
PregnantInSF says
Thanks, all. It sounds like most wouldn’t travel — and while it pains me to say no to this opportunity, I’m going to do the same. (Slash, see if they can move the trip up a few weeks so that it doesn’t coincide with my third trimester!)
Ashley says
FWIW I went to Japan at 25-26 weeks and would do it again. My OB was completely fine with it. He advised compression stockings, getting up to stretch every hour or so, and taking a baby aspirin before the flight to reduce the risk of clots. (I know that last bit is controversial but he seemed to think 2 baby aspirin pills (one on the way there, one on the way back) over the course of a pregnancy was relatively low risk compared to the risk of clots.)
Anon says
I wouldn’t because of the long transpacific flight. If you have HELLP, it’s entirely possible to go from “not feeling great” when you board the plane to “nearly dead” by the time you land.
I will be travelling around Week 33, but it will be likely by car, about a five hour drive, to another corporate office. If all hell breaks loose, I’ll give birth at a respectable hospital and can literally work out of the other office while my baby is in the NICU.
Anonymous says
How do you address your kids teachers? Does it matter if it’s daycare vs elementary school, or if your child is present or not? I feel weird calling adults, especially ones younger than me, “Mrs. ___” (and I don’t know if they prefer Miss/Mrs/Ms) but I don’t want them to think I’m being disrespectful.
Anon says
I would definitely just ask the teachers what they prefer. We call our preschool teachers “Teacher First Name” and our Kindergarten teacher “Ms. Last Name”, but both of those were based on what the schools and/or teacher clearly preferred and the long standing norms at the school. I don’t think too much about if it’s weird for me or not, but I do want to be consistent with what I call them and what the kids call them if any kids are at all in ear shot, which they usually are.
If the kids aren’t around, I think just first names are probably fine but take your cues from the other parents.
Anonymous says
Call them Ms. or Mr. Last Name. Ms. is the default title. If they want you to call them by their first names they can invite you to do so. It isn’t weird to address people respectfully just because they are younger than you
Anon says
Nah, it’s disrespectful for a kid to call a teacher by their first name. It’s not disrespectful for an adult to call another adult by their first name when there are no children around.
avocado says
Disagree. I have always called my daughter’s teachers by the same name she uses, whether she is within earshot or not. It’s very much a matter of respect. At least where we live, teachers also default to calling parents “Mr.” and “Mrs.” (But never “Ms.” Only judges and attorneys call me “Ms.”)
Anonymous says
Daycare was first name for both kids and adults. For elementary school, when I’m speaking to my child, I refer to their teacher as Ms. Smith but when I’m talking directly to the teacher, I follow their lead – generally they will sign their emails how they would like parents to refer to them (e.g. ‘Jane’ or ‘Ms. Smith’).
Anon says
I work with the CIO of a 50,000 person organization and I call him by his first name, I’m not going to address a teacher Mrs. Smith every time I email her. I do refer her to as Mrs. Smith when talking to my daughter, since that’s what my daughter calls her.
rakma says
I mean, good for you, but you’re really confusing the issue.
You have a collegial, familiar relationship with your CIO, and that has no bearing on what you should be calling anyone else. Teachers aren’t less important or less deserving of respect because they work with children.
Mr./Ms Last Name unless invited to do otherwise is a norm for a reason. If the school uses another convention, use that.
ElisaR says
But there’s 50,000 people he’s in charge of! Sorry i’m kidding. I agree Rakma.
Anon says
Actually, I know my daughter’s teachers way better. I think I’ve met the CIO maybe three times. Maybe it’s where I live, but nobody uses anything but first names professionally. If you call someone Mr/Ms you’re alerting everyone to the fact that you’re an intern or very recent grad.
I’m not trying to say a CIO is more important than a teacher and sorry if it came across that way. I just don’t call anyone I know Mr/Ms and don’t see why teachers need to be an exception to that, unless they were my teacher.
GCA says
Daycare calls them by first name, but with my kids, I refer to each teacher as Teacher [Firstname]. Someone here suggested this when I was trying to figure out how to address the nonbinary daycare teachers in a way that was respectful, and it was so obvious I should’ve thought of it sooner. (What’s more, teachers are addressed similarly – usually Teacher Lastname regardless of gender – in my mother tongue. D’oh.)
Anonymous says
I follow their lead, although honestly I rarely need to use their names to their faces. My son’s progressive preschool was first names; his elementary teachers vary. Right now he has 2 teachers, one is Ms. Firstname, and the other is Ms. Lastname.
Anonymous says
I call them whatever kiddo is supposed to call them. The only exception is when I knew them socially before they were kiddo’s teacher. The same could be true if we developed a social relationship later, but that’s never happened. It is mostly about modeling respect for kiddo.
FVNC says
Daycare has always been Ms. First Name, elementary school Ms. Last Name. I’ve never been invited to call an elem school teacher by her (it’s always been “her”) first name, so I stick with Ms. Last Name. I address daycare teachers with whom I have a personal relationship by their first names only when the kids aren’t within earshot.
EB0220 says
I’ve never given this much thought but here’s my method:
– Kid: Ms Firstname, Me: Firstname
– Kid: Firstname, Me: Firstname (Montessori)
– Kid: Ms Lastname, Me: Ms Lastname
But I’ve been involved in martial arts for years so I’m used to calling people Ms x and Mr y.
Anonymous says
At daycare, where my kids call the staff “Miss [Firstname],” I use first names. Sometimes if I’m in the room with the kids I also use Miss.
Our preschool uses last names- “Ms.Lastname,” so that’s how I address them both in the classroom and when talking about them to the director. Eg. Mrs Lastname asked me to give you paperwork.
Elementary school is more like preschool- kids use last names. However, my kid’s teacher told us at open house to call her by her first name, so that’s what I do in email etc. in front of the kids its ms. Lastname though.
Spirograph says
In our preschools, the teachers have gone by Ms/Mr. Firstname for both kids and parents.
In elementary school, the teachers go by Ms./Mr. Lastname for the students, and I refer to the teacher that way when talking about her to or in front of my kid. (And most of the time when talking to my husband, too, because it’s unambiguous)
When the teacher emails or calls me, I address her however she introduces herself or signs the email. I’ve talked with my son’s elementary teacher very regularly since school started, so we’re already on a first name basis.
ColoradoSprings says
Husband got a job offer in Colorado Springs. We are currently in Chicago. Seems like a big culture shift to me but he is from Denver originally — but hasn’t lived there in ten years or so. Anyone have any love/hates about the town?
Anonymous says
It’s gorgeous! But pretty small and not really commuting distance to Denver unless you have a tolerance for a verrrry long commute (it’s over an hour one way with no traffic). My biggest concern would be the job opportunities for myself.
ColoradoSprings says
I am currently of counsel at a mid size firm, doing part time — they basically pay me by the billable hour. Do you think something like that is findable? I am not against going back full time at all — kid is coming up on a year — but it depends on the opportunity.
Redux says
Also, super conservative, which may be either a love or a hate for you.
AwayEmily says
Yeah, by many measures it’s one of the most conservative cities in America.
ColoradoSprings says
Can you say more about that? Like how measured? Their congressman scares me. But I mean are they burning rainbow flags in the streets? Could we find progressive enclaves?
Redux says
It’s the home of Focus on the Family, which is definitely metaphorically (if not literally) burning rainbow flags. Also the home of the AFA. The electeds are all super conservative, from Congress to local offices. I have never lived there but it is really small and my sense is there is no liberal enclave.
FVNC says
It’s possible my family will be relocating there next summer (we’ll know in a few months) and if we do, I’ll be your liberal friend :-)
AwayEmily says
In terms of citizens’ policy preferences, measured via surveys. See the following article for more details (also available ungated by googling):
Tausanovitch, C., & Warshaw, C. (2014). Representation in municipal government. American Political Science Review, 108(3), 605-641.
As to whether there are progressive enclaves, I don’t know. A city could be extremely conservative and still have areas where progressives are concentrated, or it could be extremely conservative and the liberals are spread out and don’t really form communities. I also have no idea whether it’s a city where people are in your face about politics or where they just don’t talk about it.
ColoradoSprings says
FVNC thank you I really might hold you to it! Yeah reading more about Focus on the Family has made me…sad. I mean I can handle it but what if one of my kids is gay? I thought conversion therapy was officially so last century. But the idea of not moving to a town just because there is one hateful organization there seems shortsighted. The idea of moving there assuming everything will be the same as Chicago seems naive. I will keep you all updated!
Anonymous says
There isn’t one hateful organization though. The city is a nationwide center of conservative evangelism. There are dozens of similar organizations.
Anon says
I don’t know anything about Colorado Springs specifically but cities in general skew liberal, so saying it’s one of the most conservative cities in American doesn’t necessarily make it an uber conservative place. Note also that white people tend to skew conservative, so a city with fewer minorities will default to being more conservative even if the white people are just as liberal or more liberal than a city with more minorities. Fwiw, I’m assuming the stat about being the fourth most conservative comes from this list (https://www.pennlive.com/opinion/2015/08/post_75.html), which names Oklahoma City as the second most conservative and Omaha as the eighth most. I’ve spent quite a bit of time in OKC and Omaha and I’m confident I would have no problem living either place. They’re definitely whiter than cities like Miami and Dallas but the white people in them are more progressive, ime.
ColoradoSprings says
Thank you! I have done some g o o g l i n g and from quora it seems like it’s not suffocatingly monolithic out there. And being so close to outdoors and mountains would be lovely.
Anonymous says
Super evangelical. Couldn’t pay me enough to live there.
Deema says
Are you moving for sure or trying to decide?
Redux says
It’s the home of Focus on the Family, which is definitely metaphorically (if not literally) burning rainbow flags. Also the home of the AFA. The electeds are all super conservative, from Congress to local offices. I have never lived there but it is really small and my sense is there is no liberal enclave.
Anon says
Nursing and medication question – I’m having an MRI with IV contrast and was told by the imaging ctr I can’t nurse for 24 hrs. Kelly mom says it’s not a problem. I have a call into my OB but wondering if anyone else has been there? Thanks!!
Anon says
Not IV contrast, but I had my gallbladder out at 6 weeks post partum – IIRC, kelly mom said no problem for general anesthesia, the doctor said no nursing for 24-48 hours, the anesthesiologist said she would prefer 12 hours, but 6 should probably be fine, and so I think we ended up going with 6 (and I just pumped and dumped). So, suffice to say, there is not a lot of medical agreement on these types of things.
Anonymous says
I’d ask the pediatrician, too. We usually went with that as the deciding vote for stuff like this.
Redux says
Yes, I went through this while I was nursing and felt totally safe nursing right away. Talk with your doctor, of course, but so far as my specialists were concerned there is no risk with MRI/contrast and nursing. Most persuasive for me, personally, was that my radiology oncologist said his spouse had MRI/contrast while nursing and he felt totally safe advising her to do so.
First World Problem says
Ugggggggh. May be late in the day for this, but here goes.
Was planning to get off the pill after this cycle. In part so we could start trying for #2, in part just because I think it’ll take more time to get pregnant this time around with a toddler running around.
DH and I are going on a trip and have to get vaccinations, including typhoid. Per the travel nurse, it’s not recommended if nursing/pregnant/trying to get pregnant, the latter because there’s apparently not enough research and it may affect the fetus. Of course, I’ll get the vaccination so I won’t get ill when we we travel from food/water but I REALLY don’t want to wait 3 months….
Any ideas? I’m thinking just to go off the pill and track my cycle until January. I also am waiting to hear from my Ob/Gyn on her thoughts, as I know often times they have more perspective than non Ob/Gyn practitioners.
Anon says
I’d definitely get a second opinion. I know pregnancy is different than nursing as far as what’s safe, but I got the typhoid vaccine while nursing a toddler, with my ped’s approval.
Anon says
Also the typhoid vaccine is recommended for basically the entire developing world, and you can use some judgment about whether or not you really need it. For Africa or Southeast Asia I’d say you want it. Mexico/Caribbean you’ll likely be fine without, especially if you only eat in resorts or fancier restaurants. It’s one of those things that’s a question of risk tolerance.