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A few products that truly saved me during the newborn days were the Fisher-Price Rock ’n Play, the Fisher-Price swing, and this: the Boppy Lounger. When my son was mobile enough to start rolling, I think I shed a tear when it went to the back of my closet. I think my most googled phrases during the first few weeks were some variations of “sleeping on Boppy Lounger safe?” Before we put him in his crib, he slept on this for most of his naps and nighttime sleep (while supervised). Heck, I even brought it down to the basement with me and put it on top of the dryer when I was doing laundry. In basically all of my son’s newborn photos, he is on the Boppy Lounger. Have I mentioned I loved this thing? It’s $29 at Amazon (with Prime and free returns). Boppy Newborn Lounger Psst: Looking for more info about nursing clothes for working moms, or tips for pumping at the office? We’ve got them both… This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Anonymous says
This is not a safe sleep surface.
Anonymous says
HA, I’m in m o d for pointing out that this is not a s a f e s l e e p s u r f a c e.
GCA says
Yeah, I don’t think safe sleep exists for Western infants with little or no external help in this day and age – it’s just a continuum that spans ‘sleeping unsafely on a parent in bed’ to ‘sleeping unsafely in a rock n play’ to ‘sleeping unsafely on parent in glider’ to ‘parent crashes the car trying to drive to the store on 3 total hours of broken sleep’ to ‘parent suffers from postpartum depression exacerbated by lack of sleep’.
Anonymous says
I don’t know…DH and I never put our baby to sleep anywhere except on her back in her own crib or bassinet w/o anything else in the crib. We were lucky and had a pretty good sleeper and used some formula at night, so we could trade night feedings and get longer stretches of sleep. Even so, the first couple of months were a sleep-deprived haze, but I think a lot of people really do try to follow the safe sleep guidelines and they save a lot of lives.
Fwiw, I think baby on parent in glider is just about the least safe. I know of three people who had babies die that way. Bed co-sleeping can be safer if you follow certain guidelines.
Anon for this says
Just as you noted, you were extremely lucky. Thanks for shaming the rest of us who had babies who refused to sleep flat on their back or not being held. I call B*S* that you personally know three people who had babies die because the parents fell asleep holding them in the glider. Not that I don’t think that happens, I just think you probably heard of one story of a someone who knows someone and now you use that to haunt all your less fortunate parent friends who do not have great sleepers.
Anonymous says
I wasn’t trying to shame anyone. No one is perfect, including me. But it seems weird to say “safe sleep doesn’t exist,” just because you think you won’t be able to follow the safe sleep rules 100.00% of the time.
I didn’t say I personally know 3 people who lost babies that way. I said I know OF 3 people. One was a friend of a friend, two were people in my local community that I heard about from others or read about in the newspaper. But, yes, three people in my metro area in the last few years had babies die when the parent fell asleep with the baby in the glider.
Anonymous says
You’re way overreacting. Lots of people are strict about safe sleep.
Betty says
There is so much fear mongering targeted at parents — largely moms. Its the pervasive message that Your! Baby! Is! Not! Safe! unless you are awake, watching him/her in the middle of a large room, with no blankets, stuffies, pets, chemicals, or small objects nearby! The message morphs as kids age, but the message has uncanny staying power. I think if the messages were a bit more moderated and realistic, they would be easier to follow. Its hard to understand what your options are when your baby has not slept for more than 45 minutes in three weeks in a “safe sleeping environment” and cries for hours one end.
avocado says
+1. When they get older, it doesn’t end, it just changes to “don’t let your child out of your sight because she will be kidnapped and trafficked.” My kid is entering the seventh grade, and her friends’ parents are all still anxious about sending them to sleepaway camp. Two of her friends who are 12 years old and live less than a mile from the school, with no major street crossings, are not allowed to walk to school without adult supervision. I recently let my kid go out to the car to retrieve something she’d forgotten while I stood at the door to a store, and two different couples entering the store discussed whether they should report my “unattended” 11-year-old to security.
All of the fearmongering and absolute pronouncements of what you must and must not do are just not compatible with life in the real world. There are always tradeoffs, gradations of risk, and shades of gray. If you never let your kid take a calculated risk, she will end up going off to college as a naive, helpless child unable to think for herself or handle herself in a tough situation. That is much, much riskier in the long run than letting a tween walk to school alone. Similarly, making mothers believe that they must only ever put their babies to bed on their backs in bare cribs (and watch them constantly while they sleep so they can flip them back over if they roll), even if it means the mother never gets a wink of sleep herself, is dangerous because it can result in depressed, sleep-deprived mothers prone to nodding off while holding the baby or driving. A realistic discussion of risks and benefits of different options, and in which situation each option is most appropriate, would lead to greater safety for mothers and children.
Anonymous says
” (and watch them constantly while they sleep so they can flip them back over if they roll)”
Literally nobody says this. The official AAP recommendation is that once your child is rolling, you can let them sleep in whatever position they put themselves in. You should always put them down on their back, but if they roll to their side or tummy you don’t have to move them (because it’s generally believed if they can get themselves into a position they can get out of it). Please show me an official medical recommendation that says you have to stand there watching your baby all night to make sure they don’t roll. There isn’t one.
I think some of the posters here are making good points but with crazy hyperbole like this, they get lost.
avocado says
You must never have met our pediatrician. She didn’t tell us to watch the baby all night, but when we asked her about the rolling over she said, “It’s really best if you try to keep her on her back.”
NewMomAnon says
Right after kiddo was born, one of the postpartum nurses told us we had to flip her onto her back if she rolled herself over. Kiddo’s dad and I took turns sleeping until the pediatrician was like…that is not a thing. So there are definitely members of the medical community who share that “tip” with new parents.
Betty says
Yup. We received the advice too. Our second was basically baby hulk, who could lift her head and roll to her side from birth. We were told to roll her on her back. After a nightmare start with baby 1 (see above), we co-slept from the start with our second and ignored the advice. I found her ability to roll to her side super awesome because it let her nurse on demand.
Anonymous says
This is why I love my pediatrician. When he asked how the baby was sleeping at 3-month well visit, and I candidly said something about co-sleeping or baby sleeping best on his tummy, he mock-put his hands over his ears and said “lalala can’t hear you! For real, though. You know back is best, and that is our official recommendation. If he insists on sleeping on his tummy, keep the crib bare, and make sure you keep blankets and pillows away for cosleeping. There’s a non-zero risk, but everyone’s sleep is important.”
GCA says
I mean, we tried to start baby on his back in the bassinet when he first went down at night; I’d get maybe 3 hours of solid sleep that way before the all-night nursing and pooping party began and he ended up in our bed with hubs on the sofa. For us, and I think for most people, it’s ‘what steps can we reasonably take to minimize risk?’ I personally won’t use the glider at night because I’m too likely to fall asleep like that, for example, and we’re kind of baby-furniture minimalists too, but others may decide that keeping an eagle eye on a baby in a lounger is an acceptable level of risk vs. not sleeping at all if nothing else works.
AIMS says
I tried to follow all the rules to the letter with my first and then fell asleep holding her on the edge of the bed on a particularly rough night. Thank goodness we didn’t both fall over. After that, I just took normal precautions and minimized what risk I could. I should think that a bunch of mostly lawyers would realize part of the reason for all these warnings. Also, many people are just not that with it. I firmly believe that some rules are stricter than they need be to allow for some inevitable deviation.
Anyway, I had this boppy with my second and it is amazing! Especially for the first month. I could take it room to room and baby would sleep on it while we had dinner (boppy on dining table), played LEGOs with my oldest (boppy on the floor), etc. We never used it in bed as it seemed redundant. The only warning I have is that your baby really can blend into it, it’s easy to forget they’re there when they sleep so snug! We had plenty of visitors who would startle to realize baby was on the coffee table the whole time. Maybe I should have used more contrasting swaddles.
CBG says
+1 THANK YOU! I was so terrified the first day home I fell asleep upright, holding her on my chest. They scare the crap out of you, and then all of a sudden Facebook is sending you tons of “news” about babies dying along with ads for Owlet and other monitors. I firmly believe all of the terror is being funded by those companies. With my next one, I will 100% co sleep with the babe on my boob, when needed, rather than be a zombie. Our doctor suggested side-lying nursing at her 2 week appt and it truly saved us. I tell every new mom about it!
GGFM says
+1. I mean, it’s great that some folks’ kids can fall asleep on their backs in a flat bassinet and stay asleep long enough for the parents to get at least a safe amount of sleep. But this isn’t realistic for everyone to follow. My baby refused to fall asleep in the bassinet/crib, or stay asleep if transferred, for the first three months. I didn’t bring the kid in the bed because I toss and turn so was obviously not a safe option for us. But we used the rock and play for naps and night, which is also technically against the “rules”. It would be nice if instead of blanket restrictions these discussions had more nuance about gradations of risk and tradeoffs.
Anonymous says
Lordy, with the warnings, which I am sure this crowd is fed a steady diet of.
Most bad: impaired parent falling sleep with child so young it can’t move if pinned
I drove to work today and it seemed that everyone was piloting (with no copilot) a 2-ton missile at 25-55 MPH WHILE MULTITASKING ON THEIR DAMN PHONE. Frankly, I am going to be surprised if we survive as a species. There is risk, y’all, and then there is what we do with our cars.
AwayEmily says
I completely agree with GCA and Betty that there should be more nuance in how this stuff is messaged to parents rather than just “if you do anything but a bare crib your baby is toast.” There are levels of risk — based on my understanding of the literature, falling asleep with a baby in a glider is riskier than letting her sleep in a Boppy, which is more dangerous than careful, planned co-sleeping, which is more dangerous than the aforementioned bare crib. And then babies themselves can be more or less at risk based on how premature they are, how healthy they are (for example, we were much more careful with my baby’s sleep when she had a cold because we knew her airways were more constricted), etc. Why not give all of this information to parents rather than just the pure black-and-white “this is safe, this is not”? My take: I think it’s part of the same paternalistic culture that tells women “even a tiny sip of wine during pregnancy will cause birth defects” — basically, the presumption that women can’t be trusted with full information and instead need to be ordered around like children.
Anonymous says
Okay, I know this is not what you were really getting at, and I’m saying this in a 100% respectful, conversational way, but I used to work in birth defects research and my lab specifically worked with genes related to alcohol metabolism. Basically the answer there is that it largely depends on how both you and your baby/fetus metabolize alcohol and more specifically the speed at which you both metabolize the intermediates in alcohol metabolism pathways. The science community is assuming that even if available, the vast majority of mothers aren’t going to have themselves and their babies genetically tested for their alcohol metabolism genes. Therefore, it’s better to advise that it is unsafe as a rule than to say that it is possible there are some pregnant women for whom this isn’t going to be a problem in moderation. There’s too many idiots. As someone mentioned above, the population on this board isn’t representative of the population at large. Similar science is true for safe sleep. Research has shown that babies who fall victim to SIDS have defects in the areas of their brain that regulate breathing. By creating an environment that is as friendly as possible to breathing, sleep is safer for all babies. I don’t believe (but can’t say for sure) that the genes or defects associated with SIDS have been identified and/or are available for genetic testing. So a person can’t say what end of the spectrum their child will fall on without some other indicators that have shown correlation, such as prematurity, etc.
Anon says
Yeah, I know this is a controversial opinion around here because people loooove their wine, but my young, female, feminist OBGYN said there are very good reasons why doctors recommend pregnant women avoid alcohol completely. One is that it’s really hard for doctors to tell you what amount of alcohol is ok (because they don’t know) and telling people to only drink a “small amount” is way more vague than telling them to abstain. I might think a small amount of alcohol means only a few sips of wine, but a heavier drinker who had 7 drinks/week pre-pregnancy, might think 1-2 drinks per week is a small amount of alcohol. Another issue is that there is increasing evidence that alcohol causes problems beyond the classic fetal alcohol syndrome. Recent studies have linked even small amounts of alcohol to issues like ADHD and autism. There’s simply no amount of alcohol that is known to be completely safe and doctors don’t like advising people to do something they don’t know is safe, especially if it’s an optional activity (eg., driving is pretty dangerous but not something that most people can reasonably avoid).
AwayEmily says
All great points. In my day job I am an academic social scientist and part of what I study is how we communicate risk (not in parenting settings but in other policy areas). One of the takeaways from the research in this area is that risk is discussed in a way that people can understand, people do surprisingly well at calibrating their behavior to avoid dangerous situations. And if pediatricians, OBs, etc did a better job of communicating risk than we currently do (including some of the above points about genetic predisposition), then people are actually capable of making smart, informed decisions. In other words, there are fewer idiots than we think, and we do everyone a disservice when we treat them that way. It bugs me when figures of authority assume that people (and especially women) can’t understand nuance.
Also Anon if you have a chance can you send links to the recent studies on autism and small amounts of alcohol? I am always curious about new research in this area (lots of fascinating stuff these days) and hadn’t come across those yet. I saw this recently but it seems to say the opposite: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28881390.
NewMomAnon says
This is a fascinating area of work – thanks for sharing. I learn so much from commenters here!
Anonymous says
+1 this is fascinating. I work in risk management, and I have advocated for better, more approachable education of the business leadership and employee base about how certain threats materialize. There is a lot of resistance from my management, who prefer an engagement approach similar to Do This Because I’m The Expert And I Said So, BARE CRIBS FOR ALL BABIES.
I feel pretty vindicated right now. :)
GCA says
Thanks for sharing. This is fascinating, and I would love to read the research on communicating risk, if you have any study links to share!
AwayEmily says
I tried to find an intro to the literature that wasn’t behind an academic gate and was also reasonably coherent — here’s the best I could do (a chapter form an Oxford handbook) https://www.cmu.edu/epp/people/faculty/research/Fischhoff-RiskPerceptionCommunication.pdf
And if you want to do your own Googling, then look around for “risk communication” and then add your search term of choice — it’s a big field so there is lots of research from topics ranging from emergencies (earthquakes, flood) to medication compliance to environmental choices.
Pogo says
It for sure says on it in 7 different languages that it is not for sleep. I let my son sleep on it, but only when I was sitting right next to him.
Cheapo Anon says
I loved this for my first baby and am hoping to reuse it for my second baby. Has anyone washed it?? I am sort of grossed out about reusing it since it has been stored in a plastic bag in my basement for almost two years…
Anonymous says
Can you put it in a new plastic bag and put it out in the sun for a few days (or in the back of a hot car in the sun)? That will kill just about anything harmful on the lounger.
Anonymous says
I don’t have this, but I’ve washed my Boppy breastfeeding pillow just fine.
AIMS says
I washed mine before we used it. Zero issues.
NewMomAnon says
My policy on allegedly unwashable items is “If I won’t use it because it’s dirty, then I might as well throw it away. If I wash it and it doesn’t turn out, I’ll throw it away but also have a chance of a clean usable thing.” 9 times out of 10, it comes through the wash fine.
JM says
It is machine washable! I’ve washed it in the big machine at the laudromat many times.
Anonymous says
All my friends have this and rave about it, but I never understood the point of it. You can’t leave a baby unsupervised in it (right?) so if you’re going to be watching them constantly, why not just put them on an activity mat, or wear them in a carrier if you need to do chores? And if you need to leave them unsupervised, a crib or pack-n-play is much safer. But then again, I’m the most anti-baby gear person I know. I never bought a swing or a Rock n Play either. A breastfeeding pillow and activity mat were really my only purchases, besides the mandatory stuff like a crib, carseat, clothes and diapers.
Cb says
I had a sidecar sleeper + hand-me-down moses basket which served this purpose for me. It was light enough that I could pull it through the house with me – baby would happily nap with the shower on so sometimes I took two showers a day.
Also pretty anti-baby gear – I had an activity mat and a baby bjorn bouncer. And a doorway jumper which I know are total hazards but seriously, it bought me 20 minutes a day and was worth it.
anon says
We never used this as a sleeper but as a place to put baby for a few minutes like when getting ready in the morning or being in the kitchen. We have hardwood floors so this was softer than putting her on the floor and she could lounge while awake.
Pogo says
I used it mostly as a place to park baby next to me on the couch. It got the most use in the first 6 weeks and much less use after that. It’s definitely not a required baby item, I think many different items serve this purpose (moses basket, rock n play, etc). Mine didn’t like the rock n play but he loved this thingy.
avocado says
Is there any reason to buy this instead of just propping the baby up on the regular Boppy most people probably already have for nursing?
Pogo says
Nope. I accidentally ordered this instead of the regular boppy. I would guess this one works better in the very early weeks when baby is a tiny peanut. You will get more total use out of the regular boppy imo.
rosie says
Nope. I used both this & the regular boppy and found them more or less equally good for propping up baby to play/bottle feed while I pumped (EPer). I also like that you can change & wash the cover on the regular boppy, which you cannot do with the lounger I don’t think.
AIMS says
I believe they sell covers for this one, too, but I just put a thin muslin swaddle under or a burp cloth just under the head and it took care of all issues. You can also wash the whole thing.
The way I used it was as a lounger in the first 2 months (& with more supervision after) and I don’t think you could have done that with the nursing pillow. Granted I didn’t get the nursing version (I also like to limit baby gear), but I can’t see plopping that on a table and putting baby on top. For $30 this was well worth the money!
rosie says
I put it on the bed or on the (carpeted) floor as a lounger in the first 2 months. Like I said, mostly used it while pumping so I could also feed baby. I didn’t buy the lounger–my parents had it and we visited them around 3 months, and I thought it was fine at that age for the same purpose. I also put a swaddle under the baby as you describe, although that was more to have an extra line of defense for blowouts (particularly with the nursing pillow where there otherwise was nothing between the baby and the bed!). Good tip that you can just wash the whole lounger, I wasn’t sure about that.
AwayEmily says
We have this pillow but a week after the baby was born the cat decided it was hers so he never really got to use it (to be fair, it is PERFECTLY cat-shaped).
HSAL says
Ha, I just ordered a second one yesterday so I could have one on each floor for my twins. I won’t do overnight sleep in it (but I will do a rock and play) but sleeping next to me on the couch? Totally.
But what I really came here for was thoughts on transitions to toddler beds. I had my twins three weeks ago and two weeks ago we bought a new house, closing next month, because June was a big month for us. My older daughter is still in her crib (with no interest in climbing out) and will be 2 years 10 months when we move. I had planned on waiting until after we’d been there awhile to take the side off for the toddler bed conversion, but my brother suggested doing it when we move – a new house/new bed situation – since he had success with my niece under similar circumstances. Thoughts?
J says
My daughter is nearly the same age (a few months younger) and in the same situation (but no move to a new house – just in her crib with no desire to climb out). Personally, I would do one change at a time. I’d worry that kiddo would get out of the toddler bed at night and be confused about where she is at and not remember the layout of the new house. I’d want to contain her until she knows the new place well enough. We also haven’t pushed potty training yet. When we get to that point, we’ll probably transition even though it could be a long time before she is really trained at night.
Anonymous says
I personally would wait – you have newborn twins, and it ain’t broke. My son never tried to climb out. We transitioned him around 3. But even after we took the side off, he still stayed in bed in the morning until we came in his room to get him up. (He yelled for us to come; did not wait patiently or anything quite so idyllic). This went on for a good 6 months. So the transition was very anticlimactic for us – hopefully yours will be equally uneventful!
NewMomAnon says
I would say don’t switch the bed situation until kiddo tries to jump out or has trouble falling asleep in the crib. My kiddo was pretty upset when we took the side off her crib; it was a little safe space for her.
baby, you're a firework? says
Interested in the crowd-sourced view on this very minor parenting dilemma:
I have a six month old who usually goes to bed between 7 and 8:30, with 8 as the norm. He is, blessedly, a good sleeper and will often (although not always) sleep through. His room has blackout shades and we use a white noise machine and sometimes music early in the evening while we’re up making noise.
We live along the river in NYC and the fireworks are going to go off basically outside our building tomorrow. Probably around 8:30 or 9 for about 20 minutes, probably? We’re new to the building but I expect it to be LOUD and lots of bright light.
How would you handle this? Would you put him to bed, maybe a little on the early side, and hope that he gets deep enough sleep to sleep through? Would you try to keep him up a bit later (maybe with a late nap) so he’s awake during the fireworks and then put him down? I’m a little worried that he’ll be in a worse mood if he’s awakened/frightened by loud noises when asleep versus being with us to see the pretty lights — but will I regret it if I mess with his routine? (I know this is very Know Your Baby, but interested in how others would handle).
Finally, I had this exact pillow and my son LOVED it for the first 3 months of his life. He took most of his newborn naps on it before he transitioned to the rock n play. He was always in the livingroom with us and never unattended, so I didn’t worry too much about safe sleep. Now he naps and sleeps in his crib like a champ, thank heavens, but he didn’t like it much when he was younger.
Anonymous says
We live in my city’s fireworks area and it sounded like a war zone outside. Both of my kids always slept through it with no noise machines, just the central A/C. I mean, they sleep through my husband’s weekly tantrums when his football team is (perpetually) losing and the volume is up sky-high, so this was par for the course.
Anonymous says
I would follow your normal routine. Baby very likely could sleep through it. I live in a more rural area with fireworks legal this time of year. People shoot them off in our neighborhood, and kiddo constantly sleeps through it. I know your situation will likely be more intense, but I’d take the chance. Does he sleep through storms okay? Like lots of thunder and lightening?
LH says
In our rural-ish area, you can legally shoot off fireworks from the last week of June to mid-July and our neighbors take advantage of it every. single. day. So far our 5 month old has slept through it fine, but she’s generally not a light sleeper (we don’t use a white noise machine). But my advice would be to try to put him down a little earlier so he’ll sleep through it.
baby, you're a firework? says
LOLOL at people shooting off fireworks every day. OMG, Steve, it’s nearly firework month!
Thanks to all for your suggestions – baby has slept through some pretty serious thunderstorms so fingers crossed tomorrow is the same!
GCA says
We also live where the fireworks are audible (alas, not visible)! and kiddo has slept clean through for three years in a row now – they start at the portion of the night when he seems to be in really deep sleep so they haven’t bothered him. So I wouldn’t worry too much about trying to adjust baby’s routine for one night of the year – if he’s in deep enough sleep, he might just sleep straight through the fireworks. (This year we’ll probably just go for a walk along the river so kiddo can see the fireworks – he needs to drop his nap and I have given up trying to get him to bed before 9.)
Anonymous says
I would do normal bedtime or maybe slightly early. The deepest sleep of the night is usually during the first sleep cycle – first few hours of sleep – and he will likely sleep right through. I’m jealous of your location though – can we come over?
Pogo says
Do your normal thing. Mine slept through a thunderstorm the other day that was equivalent to fireworks in the light and BOOM department.
NewMomAnon says
Kiddo slept through fireworks until she was about 2.5. She also was not at all scared of thunderstorms until about that time, even though she is super scared of them at age 4.
FWIW, once kiddo became scared of fireworks, I bought kid’s ear protection muffs for her (from Amazon). They muffled the noise, so at least we could rock quietly in the dark while the fireworks were going off and it wasn’t quite so loud.
anon for this says
Just need to vent – since having kids, I feel like we never see our friends despite constantly trying to. If we try to plan things a few weeks ahead, no one wants to commit to anything but then if we try to do something last minute then everyone is busy. I know life with kids is unpredictable but even if we schedule something like, let’s meet up at this park whenever the last of our kids wakes up from a nap, then a friend will say “oh johnny is in a bad mood so we’re going to skip!” (but then later I’ll see them playing on instagram with their neighbors) I just feel like I’m constantly trying and trying to make play dates or invite people over (we even have a pool) but I’m exhausted from feeling rejected all of the time. I know it’s silly but I can only make so much effort!
Anonymous says
It’s like the social drama of middle school all over again. No solutions, but I get where you are coming from b/c many days I’m there myself.
anon OP says
Yes, this is what it feels like. Glad someone else gets it.
Anonymous says
I’m really protective of my weekends to really relax and just do whatever I want and not have any obligations. I don’t schedule much. Maybe something every three weeks or so. I’d rather go with the flow based on all our moods than be over-scheduled. If my weekends are over-scheduled they’re not restorative, which I need. Having your kids play in your own yard with a few neighbors is a lot different than preparing/packing/going to a house with a pool at a particular time. Is your pool safe? Like with a gate and all? Because going to a house where I have to make sure my toddler doesn’t fall in the water honestly sounds like the least relaxing weekend activity possible.
Anonymous says
+1. We end up at neighbors a lot because it’s SO much easier. I wouldn’t interpret this as a personal slam at all. And a pool is definitely a detraction, not a draw, for us.
Anon says
I’m guilty of both sides. I’ve finally taken the approach that I just invite people to stuff I was going to do anyway. “Hey serving mac and cheese for dinner tonight, we eat at 6. If you want to join let me know so I make enough.” “Hey going to the park around 2 or 3, if you need to run off energy!” “Hey checking out the Greek Fest this weekend, we’ll be there around 9am on Sat. Hope to run into you!” etc. And then maybe or maybe not we see people, but we’re not putting more effort in than we were already planning to do.
And I’ve also been the person who totally planned to go, but it’s been a week of tantrums and I just can’t bear the idea of calmly dealing with another meltdown, with a likely audience, so I just skip. Or someone is finally napping after 5 days of resisting, so I will move heaven and earth to let the kid sleep and hopefully end the emotional hostage situation in our house. Or whatever.
Young kids are super tough and it’s hard to do the right thing all the time. I will say, now that I have two kids, I’m way more social than I was the first go around. Maybe I’m older, maybe I’m just used to the sleep deprivation, but it’s probably just that I realize we’re all barely surviving so who cares what other people think. Just keep being you, and eventually you’ll find someone who you click with as you are now. And if that doesn’t work, just wait for preschool. You’ll be invited to so many birthday parties you’ll never have a free weekend again.
Spirograph says
This. The friends we see the most often live in our neighborhood, and it’s usually a “we’re ordering pizza/grilling burters, do you want to bring the kids over?” kind of thing. To the extent that we have playdates, they’re at the playground or the neighborhood pool or some other public event, whether “planned” with a quick text message to let people know we’ll be there, or just by happy accident.
Almost every day, my kids run over to a neighbor’s’ house to play with their kids, and I chat with the parents in the yard when I go over to bring them home for dinner or bedtime. This is the majority of my social interaction; I hate committing to something that requires extra effort or is far in advance, because the “kid really needs a nap and is not fit for public consumption today” thing is so real, and I’d rather not make the plans than be a flake. I’ve been on both sides of that, and it doesn’t feel good for anyone.
All this to say, it is not you! Make friends with neighbors, and make plans to hang out with your other friends without the kids.
GCA says
This! We also text friends and plan to meet either at the park near their place or the playground by ours (all walking distance from each other!), and throw in an offer to bring dinner or some dinner component like salad (or honestly, just a bag of sugar snap peas, some cheese sticks and some fruit, which is what often passes for dinner among the preschooler crowd on summer evenings). Yeah, playdates aren’t all that relaxing, but at least they can be non-relaxing with other adults whose company we enjoy.
And don’t get me started on the birthday parties – we have one every weekend this month. I was about to have an introvert meltdown when my husband gently reminded me that we don’t *both* have to attend *all* the parties.
Anonymous says
It’s not silly at all! Taking care of young kids can be very isolating and stressful. I think it’s just really hard to align schedules and kids’ whims, especially if there’s more than one kids in the family. My older kid is just a month younger than two of my friends’ kids– despite that we’ve managed to get together for playdates with each of them maybe 3 or 4 times in the past 5 years. And one friend lives 4 houses down from us.
FWIW, I don’t find doing a playdate really fills that social/relaxing niche for me (though it is less isoalting), because we are so busy taking care of the kids and dealing with someone throwing pizza/hitting another child/needing help in the bathroom (usually all at the same time).
I for one would be super excited to visit a friend who has a pool. Our kids love water, our air conditioning can’t keep up with this weather…but yes, I would go visit with all of the swimming gear and the expectation that most of my time would be spent holding my kid in the pool (neither can swim yet).
AwayEmily says
You are definitely not being silly; that sucks and I have been there. I don’t have a solution — maybe it gets better when kids are older and more predictable?
Anonymous says
I think socializing just evolves. Pre-activity stage is hard, but as your children get into activities and school, then socialization evolves to be with those folks. A girls night sans kiddos would be the best way to get me out and about ;)
avocado. says
Sadly, it just gets worse when they are older. Travel sports basically mean the end of parental social lives. Even if your own kid doesn’t participate, every other family you know will have at least one kid in a travel sport at all times.
Anonymous says
Thank goodness I really, really like my spouse since he’s the extent of my social interaction 95% of the time.
Anon says
Preach to me, avocado. I am pretty adamant about avoiding travel sports, but I did not realize how that would severely limit my (and my kids) social life. To your points, every other family is constantly involved in some practice or tournament, and they seem to be “friends” with whoever is on that specific team until the season is over, then they move to the next sport.
How in the hell do we break this cycle? I want my kids to be on a team and enjoy sports, but there is NO BENEFIT to being 12 and having to commit every morning, evening, and weekend to cross country. There are mandatory summer practices every weekday at 6am for the 6th graders in my district, and I am a “mean mom” because I am not letting my kid do that. I want them to be kids! Not stress all summer about a sport that doesn’t start for 3 more months. This level of forced dedication seems actively harmful to a kid’s mental health.
Scar says
My 2.5 year old fell at daycare a couple of months ago. He was running inside (a no-no) and tripped over his own feet. He landed on his chin on the carpet. It skinned a one-inch circle on his chin… scraped the skin off, leaving a raw red circle. That has now healed, in that skin has grown back over it, but it is still red and noticeable. I am worried that it is going to leave a large and permanent red welt on his chin. Is there anything I can do to help it?
Anonymous says
It’s probably a “summer scar” which will last 6-12 months. I’d be shocked if it’s permanent, especially with how fast little kids grow skin cells. My father has a permanent scar on his knee from a fall but he’s in his late 60s.
Spirograph says
I think there are some creams that claim to fade scars. I’ve always heard neosporin, although I think that’s most beneficial in the first week or two after the injury. It wouldn’t hurt to try.
For a bit of optimism: I have a couple barely-noticeable scars from injuries 10-15 years ago, and I remember being incredibly self-conscious as they were taking a long time (6 months+) to heal and fade.
Lana Del Raygun says
Hi! I had a huge zit on my chin when I was about five that I would. not. stop. picking. at. it. so that it grew into its own road-pizza-esque wound that took months to heal. My chin is now as scar-free as you could possibly wish for. Also most “scar prevention” products are woo, according to the dr who sewed up my equally scar-free sister’s chin when she fell on the icy steps. There’s not really anything you can do, but there’s also probably no “need.”
AIMS says
Maderma?
Anonymous says
I’d call and ask your ped’s office.
Anonymous says
Keep it very moisturized.
Anonymous says
BioOil?
Anony says
In case you are still reading, our ER doc recommended Cetaphil SPF 50 Facial Moisturizer after our kid fell and got a lot of stitches on his chin. The scar is not too noticeable and we only apply twice a day. I’ve also heard vitamin E is effective.
FP says
Any suggestions or anecdata about interviewing while heavily pregnant? I am 36 weeks pregnant, interviewing at 38 weeks via videoconference. It’s a position in academia (not faculty) so I am banking on the fact that this can take weeks and hopefully months, so I can have the baby and a leave before potentially taking this job. I wasn’t planning on mentioning my pregnancy during the first interview. However – if they follow up quickly for a second interview, I won’t be able to travel anywhere (city is a ~2 hour flight away). Ugh – terrible timing but such a good opportunity. Any help??
NewMomAnon says
Uf. Good luck. If it wasn’t academia, I would say you should be open about it especially at 36 weeks. But I’ve heard horror stories about academia; it sounds like all the usual HR rules are suspended for academic positions.
One thought – could you mention that you’re in the middle of a big “project” now and wouldn’t be available for further interviews until X time (at least a month postpartum prob)?
Anonymous says
Aren’t the horror stories from faculty? I work in the staff side of higher ed and it’s generally a balanced, family friendly industry. Faculty is a whole other story tho.
NewMomAnon says
Possibly from faculty – I don’t know all the gradations, but I’ve heard things from “lecturer” type interviews as well as tenure-track seeking folks.
FP says
It’s a high level staff position. When my office recently hired a midlevel position, it took seven months from the day the position was vacated until our newly hired person started. That’s the timeline I’m hoping for ;)
Anonymous says
maybe: “I’m tied up with personal matters until X date”??
Sarabeth says
I’m faculty, but I think the good news is that the academic hiring schedule is so slow in general that they are more used to working around this kind of thing. I interviewed for my current job while visibly pregnant, and no one batted an eye (or brought it up, although we did chat about my older kid). I took maternity leave for my first semester. At least two other women have done the same in my department in the last four years. I have a friend who got a faculty job without ever setting foot on campus – she did a full day videoconference in lieu of her on-campus visit, because she’d just given birth. Another friend successfully moved her requested on-campus date back by a month, so that she had time to recover from childbirth first.
I’m not saying the horror stories aren’t true, but there are places that aren’t like that. Assuming it’s not super obvious during the videoconference, I would wait until you get a request for a follow-up interview. At that point, I’d tell them when your due date is, and that you won’t be available to fly for however long afterwards you think is appropriate. Offer to do a videoconference work around if that seems possible. They may be terrible people, in which case this will not work out. But it’s totally possible that they’ll be able to accommodate it.
Anonymous says
In academia (faculty though) but at my public research institution that timeline sounds about right, and mentioning pregnancy NBD (actually more helpful to know because that is a very specific timeline!). Legally they CANNOT make a decision and I know that we go out of our way to ensure that is the case. I was on a search committee for a faculty member who came for her interview 8 months pregnant (local-ish & husband came with her but still). Anyway I may be too Pollyanna about it but if it’s a public school in a state that has protections I wouldn’t be too stressed about revealing the pregnancy.
Willow Pump? says
Anyone ever tried/used the Willow wearable pump? It’s expensive but I’m intrigued. First time mom, expecting in early August. Wondering if its a gimmick or the future of pumping?
Anon says
There was a lot of wondering the same thing maybe a year or two ago when it first came out, so maybe search the archives. For me, I have large b00bs already so I didn’t see the appeal of stuffing MORE in my bra. Also it’s recommended to not wear an underwire, which is NOT an option in public for me. Also don’t understand why it’s more convenient when I’d still need to get to a private place to actually access the milk.
I never actually used it, so ymmv. But it didn’t seem to be “the future of pumping” for me.
Anon says
I just googled it, and it STILL only has an iOS app. No Android. Big red flag for me – if a company doesn’t make an Android app part of its initial launch or VERY shortly thereafter, then it’ll likely treat the app as secondary. That means it’ll be buggy and not get a ton of support, which is bad if it’s an app I’ll be relying on.
rosie says
Haven’t tried it, but would suggest you look into Freemies if you haven’t already as a comparison. I did not use those either, but if you’re looking for something that will fit into your bra, it’s a cheaper option (& I think it’s been around for longer). If you use it with a small/battery-operated pump (I’d recommend Spectra S9), it should be pretty portable.
Baby laundry detergent says
worth it? or scam…?
Anon says
Not worth it. If your kid has sensitive skin, you can use any of the “free and clear” options and get a similar impact. If your kid has super sensitive skin, you’ll likely end up with a niche specialty product, although I don’t have any recs there.
Also, you need to wash YOUR (and partner) clothes in it, not just the baby’s. The baby spends most of its time on your shoulder or chest in the first month or so, so your detergent will be up close to its face. Same with your sheets if you co-sleep or otherwise spend time with baby laying on your bed.
With my first, the whole family switched to using Tide Free and Clear and it seemed to work fine. Later on, we switched from that to Method Free and Clear because it was cheaper. 6 years later, we either buy Method or All (Free and Clear) depending on which one is on sale.
CPA Lady says
Scam. I’ve used all free and clear (tide free and clear irritates my skin for some reason) for years and didn’t change anything when I had my kid.
Anonymous says
After some research I plan to just continue using the free and clear detergent I normally use.
anon says
We just used free and clear detergent. I didn’t want to separate baby clothes from grownup clothes.
Everlong says
Help me end this unimportant struggle with myself over… a tote bag. I have a Kate Spade tote that I love that I got via the Black Friday sale online last year. Ever since she passed, I felt a little weird about carrying a bag with her name on it, for reasons I can’t fully articulate. A few weeks after that happened, a family friend committed suicide. So now, I really dislike carrying the bag and am in the market for a substitute. I have a carried the Kate Spade constantly, for work and at home with two little kids and it’s just perfect. I’ve been debating the Tumi Voyageur M-Tote. Will I be satisfied? Is it the same level of good looking for work and casual enough to beat up with the kids? It’s down to $206 on Amazon, sold out on Tumi, and there’s allegedly only 18 left, so I need to decide whether to click Buy Now… now.
Everlong says
edit… Nylon tote! Simple black nylon tote!
Anonymous says
First, I’m very sorry to hear about your family friend.
But to the bag question: I have a black nylon Tumi tote and I carry it both to work and running around all weekend with my kids. It fits my laptop just as well as it fits water bottles, snack packs, and the diaper wallet. I purchased 3-4 years ago, and it still looks good even though I do absolutely nothing to take care of it. Go for it!
Everlong says
This was seriously the reply I needed. Thank you! I just purchased. :)
avocado says
Fun question. We are taking a family trip to NYC in a couple of weeks. I have no idea what to wear, as I haven’t been there in a while and I am usually there on business anyway. What is the sort-of-cool mom who doesn’t want to look like a total tourist wearing these days? I am thinking of bringing an Old Navy swing dress, a maxi dress, and flowy linen pants + tank top, all with Birkenstock Mayaris and probably a not-huge bucket bag. What about shorts? I have denim cutoffs, white denim cutoffs, and slouchy roll-up chino shorts in fun colors.
AwayEmily says
Go with the denim cutoffs! I just went on a family trip to NYC and wore my denim cutoffs, Mayaris, and black t-shirts/tanks every day and felt very non-touristy (caveat: we were in Brooklyn).
Anonymous says
I live in NYC and all of the above sound fine to me. I firmly believe there is no NYC uniform – the city is too diverse. When in doubt, add more black. It’s currently disgustingly hot here.
Ella says
That all sound fine. Birks are good. As are cute sneakers like stan smiths.
Anonymous says
3 year old son loses his marbles every single time he is frustrated — lid won’t fit on jar? Meltdown/jar is thrown. Doesn’t like the way his guitar sounds when he plays it? Meltdown! Milk not microwaved the exact number of seconds he specified? (Because all milk must now be warm..) meltdown! I feel like these have suddenly taken a turn for the worse. Normal? Is it the result of being out of preschool routine for summer? Stopped napping a few weeks ago (because we found inconsistent napping led to inconsistent nighttime sleep, with associated behavior problems wtc) but was only napping a couple days a week before that. How will we survive this??
Spirograph says
I vote Normal. You have just described my 3.5 year old daughter, and I seem to remember my son was similarly frustrating when he was 3. It’s just the age. Grit your teeth and wait for him to turn 4!
I have a lot of talks with my daughter about proportional reactions to life’s little disappointments, I slip these in when she’s calm and cheerful, and she agrees in principle at that time. I like to think she’s getting the message, even though I can’t see it on the outside yet. Our practical solution to a meltdown is that all tantrums need to be taken to her bed. She is not allowed to lie on the floor and throw a kicking screaming fit next to the table during dinnertime because it is disruptive to the family’s conversation and hurts my ears, but she’s welcome to go let her big emotions out in her bedroom and come back when she’s feeling better. This doesn’t work when we’re out and about, but actually she’s usually pretty well-behaved in public. She saves the crazy for at home. Small blessings.
Anonymous says
Thanks! Every data point helps :). He already requests to go be alone in his room sometimes if he’s very upset, so I guess that’s a good step.
Advice on depression/anxiety says
So…it’s been about a year of my being out of control ragey, mean, unhappy, hating everyone (but surprisingly productive at work). I’ve been acknowledging to DH that something was wrong with me but unable to do anything about it myself (like…pick up the phone and make a doctor appointment). On good days, I KNOW intellectually that I am depressed and/or have anxiety and that I should get help. Those are the days I asked DH for help. He made an appointment with my doctor and took me yesterday and actually told her what was going on because I was a wreck of tears and embarrassment and shame. (I KNOW mental health is just health and there is nothing to be ashamed of. But. Not for me so much.)
Anyway, doctor was great, immediately wanted to medicate me. I was hesitant. I don’t know why but the thought of medication is just…not good. I don’t like taking medicine for anything unless it’s really extreme. I don’t do any drugs. She called in a “tiny” dose of Zoloft and is going to find me a competent CBT therapist (I live in a small town with serious shortage of these so I don’t know when that will happen). But I’m scared of the side effects (I’ll be honest, mostly about the weight gain, because I’m already struggling with being more overweight than I like, but also headaches and sleeplessness and stomach issues).
So I am feeling really OK today (except for random tearing up but that’s just par for the course these day) and strong enough to ask this community of smart women, many of whom have repeatedly mentioned their own struggles with these issues, hit me with your best advice for getting through this.
Anonymous says
You’re an amazing woman and an inspiration! No real advice, because when I should have gotten help, I didn’t. I really admire you for being strong enough to seek help.
Anonymous says
Thank you for these kind words.
farrleybear says
You’ve taken a big, scary step already–asking for help. And then another–going to the appointment. I understand the hesitancy to go on medicine, because it can feel like defeat or ultimate loss of control. At least it felt that way for me. But after severe PPD and a suicide attempt, I felt like I had to do zoloft (along with CBT) or risk losing my kiddo or even my life. So I did, and I do feel like the meds helped me stabilize and be able to work through issues in therapy. After being on a 50 mg dose for 18 months, I tapered off and went completely off for about a year or so and felt great. I’ve gone back on 50 mg zoloft recently in dealing with other major stressors (yay, divorce), but feel more confident now that I’ll be able to go off again in time. I didn’t really experience headaches, sleeplessness or stomach issues. I’m about 10 pounds heavier than I’d like, but don’t know if I can blame the meds for that:) Hang in there and know that things can get better.
Anonymous says
It WAS a big, scary step, thank you for saying that. And thank you for sharing your honest experience.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think you know this intellectually but it’s hard to see it when you’re on the negative side of anxiety/depression – part of your hesitation in taking medication is likely the anxiety itself talking and telling you that you would be failing or that you don’t need meds because you’re having a normal reaction to life’s stressors. At least this is how I felt prior to starting Zoloft, and I will say, that I feel so much better now being on the other side! I had a lot of stressors around the time of my son’s birth (beyond just the newborn craziness) and finally decided that I needed to try something beyond therapy to be able to enjoy my life a little more again. And my small dose definitely helped. I still get stressed when life gets hard, but it doesn’t overtake me in the same way my anxiety did before. I’m also more open with my therapist, my spouse and coworkers, which also helps a lot.
I had a few side effects when I first started but they only lasted for a week or so. I’ve gained weight, but I’ve also had a baby and generally haven’t prioritized exercise or eating super healthy for the last few years, so it may be a combination of factors. I’d also rather have a little extra weight than feel that sense of overwhelming dread every time something challenging happens. I’d urge you to try a dose, see how you feel (give it a few weeks for the side effects to taper off), and if it’s not working, you can always try a different med or try a different dosage. You deserve to feel better, and you can get there. I remember those days of random tearing up and at the time I thought that was just normal. I still get emotional at times now, but it’s nothing like it used to be (first trimester pregnancy emotions notwithstanding!)
Anonymous says
Thank you for this.
Anonymous says
First, big hugs. This is hard but I really think you owe it to yourself to try this. I have never used recreational drugs, not even once (AND I WENT TO OBERLIN!), don’t drink, don’t smoke, etc., but antidepressants have really helped me – possibly saved my life – at different points. A couple things to keep in mind: most side effects go away after a couple weeks, and the medicine doesn’t typically work for a few weeks either, so try to give it some time before you evaluate how well its working. It is normal for it to take some trial and error to find the right dose or medicine – hang in there! Please do not be afraid to increase the dosage if the Dr. recommends it. There’s no point in taking it if you aren’t getting enough for it to work for you – IIRC my insomnia would not fully go away until I got up much higher, maybe 200 mg of Zoloft? I took Paxil for years in my 20s, then was off for about 5 years, then took zoloft for several years after my son was born. I was able to loose over 80 pounds while on SSRIs that I have largely maintained on and off medication – being undepressed helps! For me the one troublesome side effect that did not go away was difficulty achieving org*sm (and maybe decreased libido, but less obvious). This is unfortunately fairly common. For me, the trade-off was worth it.
Anonymous says
It is extreme! You’ve been out of control for a year! You aren’t functioning! Take your meds.
Anonymous says
Lovingly, and with all the support in the world, take the meds. If you broke your leg, you would get a cast while your leg healed. Think of it that way. The meds will give your brain bumpers, like in bowling, so you don’t go off the deep end while you DO retrain your brain (through therapy, healthy habits, etc.). I went on zoloft for PPD too, and Week 2 felt like DISNEYWORLD! Every! Thing! Was! Awesome! And! I! Was! So! Happy! To! Be! Back! To! My! Old! Self! and then it came down a little, and I was able to FUNCTION again, and feel things without falling into the abyss of depression and anxiety, and it was amazing. Truly life-changing.
Anonymous says
Thank you for sharing this.
Anonymous says
I was in exactly the same position as you a few months ago and finally got help. I feel AMAZING on the Zoloft. I didn’t want to do therapy because actually everything is going great for me, I just felt this palpable sense of dread and panic for basically no reason. FWIW though the Zoloft has ANNIHILATED my appetite and did give me about one week of diarrhea. I’ve lost a pretty steady 1-2 lbs per week since I got on it. So YMMV.
Anonymous says
Thank you for this.
OP - Advice on depression/anxiety says
Thank you for sharing your experience.
Anon says
I am so glad I came on here today.
I have an appointment with a doctor later this week. I have been agitated and crying and I hate my job which is some of it but I have 2 kids with no help from husband and I’m seriously losing it emotionally. I ask for help and we fight. I’m super stressed and can’t help but cry all the time. I feel defeated and it’s not going away. I’m lost.
Anonymous says
Sending big hugs. I am so glad you are going to talk to a doctor – can you come back later this week and tell us how it went? I will be thinking about you! It sounds like you have a lot going on and need some support to figure out how to make life more manageable, but dealing with your depression will make it more feasible to attack the situational aspects of this. It’s really hard to find a new job, improve a marriage, etc. when you are at such an emotional low point.