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I’ve always liked wearing leather (real or faux) to the office — my leather jacket would double as a blazer, and my skirts paired well with silk blouses. So, this shirt from French Connection grabbed my attention.
This long-sleeved vegan leather shirt sports a relaxed cut, point collar, and hidden press stud fastening. For work, I’d stick with black or “glazed ginger” — the “poppy red” would be a true test of the new After Times dress code.
Adding wide-leg trousers and a pair of heeled booties will keep things more office than night out.
The Crolenda Vegan Leather Shirt is $118 and available in sizes 0–12. For a more economical option with a wider range of sizes, consider this Oversized Faux-Leather Shirt from Bar III at on sale at Macy’s for $41.65.
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
Sales of note for 7.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Nordstrom – The Nordstrom Anniversary Sale has begun! Here are all of our picks.
- Ann Taylor – Semi-Annual Sale! (Ends 7/12)
- Athleta – Extra 30% off semi-annual sale (ends 7/10)
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything + extra 20% off your purchase
- Boden – 10% off new women’s styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off all sale
- Everlane – Up to 70% off
- J.Crew – End of Season Sale, up to 60% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything + extra 60% off sale styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off
- Loft – 50% off tops
- Madewell – End of season sale, up to 70% off with code.
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide. (Please correct me if I’m wrong, but I think this is the biggest sitewide discount I’ve ever seen…)
- NET-A-PORTER – Up to 60% off sale styles
- Rothy’s – Lots of great finds in the “final few” section
- Sephora – 25% off a ton of shampoos and conditioners (ends 7/10)
- Talbots – Semi-annual Red Door Sale, extra 40% off markdowns
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything plus extra 15% off purchase
- Eloquii – Semi-annual clearance, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off warm-weather styles; extra 50% off sale styles
- Lands’ End – 50% off your order
- Loft – $39 dresses and 40% off your purchase (ends 6/26)
- Talbots – 30% off all markdowns, summer favorites starting at $24.50 (ends 6/25)
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Summer clearance up to 70% off; 50% off tops, shorts & more
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all dresses; up to 50% off all baby items
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 50% off warm-weather styles; extra 50% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 50% off all polos; 60% off steals
- Target – 20% off women’s swim; 50% off patio furniture, garden items & accessories; up to 30% off kitchen & dining
See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
loving absent spouse says
Anyone with a spouse who cannot be reached most of the day (secure facility plus lengthy commute each way)? We are expecting, and I’m already worrying how we will be equal partners and parents. Please give me your best tips for sharing the load and also communicating and preserving our (currently happy, healthy) relationship!
Anonymous says
You will need to be the default parent for day care sick calls, etc., but as the mom it’s very difficult to fight that anyway. Otherwise you don’t really need to communicate with your spouse during the workday any more than you already do. I actually don’t think it’s healthy for spouses to be in constant contact during the work day. Work is difficult enough without constantly being distracted by texts from your spouse.
Anon says
If you will be doing drop off/pickup (if daycare), then DH can prep the bags
Anonymous says
Responsibility for washing all the little containers and clothes and emptying and repacking bags is such a big thing. My personal crusade is for men to do all the laundry. For whatever reason straight men seem to truly struggle to be minimally functional contributing partners to housework. Laundry is a clear defined concrete task.
Anonymous says
My husband does all the laundry, usually while watching sports on TV. He brags about it so much that it’s become a joke in our extended family.
Anon says
Agree with this. My husband really wants to believe he contributes to housework, but he is really bad at things that are not a discrete task. For example, for basic things like putting away clutter, he won’t do it during the week and will wait until it truly becomes a chore to do it… so that is my job. He does better when he knows certain tasks are his. He does dishes, preps bottles for daycare, and does the morning bottle. I do drop off. He does pick up, and I do bedtime.
Anonymous says
We have a sort of loose divide between daily responsibilities (prepping bag for daycare, getting kid dressed and ready, pickup and dropoff) and weekly/monthly responsibilities (grocery ordering, meal planning, laundry, doctor’s appointments, researching schools, etc.). Maybe your spouse can pick up more of the long-term planning responsibilities since they cannot handle most of the day-to-day responsibilities.
Anon says
It’s hard. Whether I like it or not, I am the default parent for many things. My spouse leaves the house at 5 am and returns home at 5 pm. I leave at 7 am and return at 5 pm with our child from daycare (I pick her up around 4:45, if he did pickup it would be after 5 and I hate for her to have to stay at daycare longer than she has to since she is already there 9 hours). Days were I am also not easily reached (I’m a litigator), are very hard. We don’t have family nearby to help. I’ve had to cancel court proceedings on the morning of if my kid wakes up and cannot go to daycare (thanks croup and RSV). However, on days where we know that she cannot go to daycare in advance, he stays home with her. That was a big battle, but I think we have reached a good place with it. He also does more of the work at home, making dinners, cleaning, kid duty on evenings and weekends since I have solo kid duty every morning. It’s gotten easier over time, but the first year or so were really rough realigning our expectations and roles.
Strollerstrike says
My husband is military and works in a secure building. I was nervous imagining a day where I was unreachable (court etc) and some major emergency would happen.
So for this unlikely scenario we gave husband’s colleague’s number that works nearby and can be reached more easily to daycare with strict instructions to try any other way to contact me and to only use it for capital E emergencies.
This provides me some ease of mind at least…
Anonymous says
Make a list of all the tasks and divide them evenly. Absolutely everything. Think about each thing that will need to occur in the day and divide it. For example – DH does dishes and I do all laundry except his. I’m not even 100% sure how to load the dishwasher to maximize the space anymore. I do lunches so I make sure all the lunch containers are in the sink before he runs it.
Make sure you write out the full scope of what each task involves – for example – packing lunches also involves making sure the containers are clean and the cupboard is stocked with lunch foods or is the person who buys groceries responsible for stocking lunch foods or does the person who makes lunches need to add what they want to the list.
Extra things that are not currently on your list
– washing baby laundry
– buying diapers/wipes
– buying baby food
– washing pump parts if you pump
– checking emails from child care providers every day (e.g. is today the day that they need orange shirts at school or is it teacher appreciation week at daycare and you need to send muffins)
– a lot of women get stuck with ‘running’ things and the dads just have to ‘do the thing’ – that’s less mental load so really clearly define who is responsible for what.
– our family works best when DH is responsible for stuff that won’t get dropped – like he makes breakfast every morning because you can’t forget to feed the baby or yourself. I get a shower/dress then.
– he’s in charge of stocking diapers and wipes – another example of where you need to define what that means – does he just order them from Costco or is he also responsible for restocking the change table on the main floor and in the baby’s room. If he forgets, I call out to him and he gets the stuff, I don’t just let it go and do it if I forget. This is KEY. Middle of video game and I need a diaper that he forgot to restock? He hits pause and restocks. Once you divide the stuff, stick to your guns about what his jobs are. If he thinks it is uneven then he schedules a time to discuss and you both bring your lists and figure out what you want to change up.
– and just because you BF doesn’t mean he can’t get up to bring you the baby at night or settle the baby back to sleep after you finish nursing. After a few weeks I could nurse sidelying with barely having to open my eyes to latch so him getting the baby meant I didn’t even have to sit up. We had a 2 hour rule – whoever was ‘on’ that night had to try and settle the baby for 2 hours before they were allowed to wake the ‘off’ person for help. Use an eye mask and ear plugs when you are ‘off’ or sleep on another floor.
– in the early days when all I did was BF and sleep, it was his job to feed me whenever I was feeding baby. Just because you BF doesn’t mean he does less. Sometimes that involved him literally spooning pasta into my mouth because I was using both hands to hold baby in correct position. Then when I was done nursing, I handed him baby and went to sleep if it was his turn to settle the baby.
Anon says
I will usually go out of the room to check my cell phone a couple times a day if I don’t have access to a phone/email in my workspace. You’ll have to be the primary contact for daycare but otherwise that part probably shouldn’t really be an issue.
Anon says
Also, maybe there’s an expectation that he can take off more often for sickness, etc. A lot of similar jobs to mine don’t have long hour expectations and my workplace is pretty family-friendly despite the security restrictions.
Anony says
Me, and I think we’ve done okay with this. First, while he often has to leave for work before kiddo is up for the day, he’s taken the lead on bath and bedtime whenever he’s not working overnight, which is great for me because by then I’m just really tired and stressed out but he loves it (even on weekends, I think I’m just at my parenting best in the mornings and he’s the opposite). He’s also the primary doer of household chores, and tries to schedule doctors’ appointments during his vacations as much as possible so I’m not constantly taking time off. I will say that we have a nanny, so we don’t have the responsibility of getting everyone out the door and pick-up/drop-off – I know that as we move into the preschool years, that’s going to add some needed recalibration.
Anonymous says
I’m not sure how secure facilities work- can he be paged over the loudspeaker? In Before Times, DH was never at his desk and didn’t check personal email. If I ever had pressing issues, I would just call the front desk and they’d page him for me.
Anonymous says
Also, if either of you have an assistant that can be helpful. I don’t have a lot of court duties, but my assistant has access to my calendar. If daycare really needed to reach me, they could contact her, and she could contact a court or whatever. And also gatekeep a bit on whether it can wait or not.
Pogo says
I’ve had friends who worked on classified information and did not have any external access while doing so. My other friend’s husband was allowed to check his phone on breaks, but in between, could not be reached. I think it depends on the role and location (on a military base vs a private company).
No Face says
I rarely communicate with my husband during the day. I’m busy working! We discuss logistics when we are together, not during the day. I will say “I have an important hearing in another city on Tuesday, so you will do drop offs and pick ups that day.”
The best way to preserve your relationship with kids is to let him be alone with the kids, and figure out how to parent on his own. That includes doing things by yourself or with your friends for fun, even on your maternity leave.
Spirograph says
What do you mean by secure facility? And what do you mean by lengthy commute? My spouse cannot have his cell phone while at work, but he still has a desk phone number, and a generic office number childcare/school or I can call to get ahold of him in an emergency. (This is how offices work! You just call the reception desk and said “I need to talk to/get a message to [person].”) We generally don’t communicate much during the work day, and this is totally fine; we talk in the evening and coordinate then. His commute is 30 minutes without traffic, an hour+ if he leaves at rush hour… but an emergency daycare pickup would likely be at a light traffic time.
Neither of these, to me, is a barrier to being an equal partner/parent. If a sick child needs to be picked up immediately, we coordinate who can more easily get away. For day to day drop off and pickup, we have adjusted our work schedules to divide and conquer in a way that works for us. You’ll figure out what works for you, but start from a point of expecting and assuming equality. Don’t let minor logistics hurdles be an excuse.
SCIF says
I assume she means a SCIF. But yes, there are ways around this–for example, calling the number of the front desk person who staffs the SCIF and checks clearances; most SCIFs have one. They can pass notes and such. Cell phones and bluetooth devices (e.g. fitbits) have to be locked away in mini-lockers before you enter.
Spirograph says
Right, I worked in SCIFs for years and my husband still does. It’s not a barrier. A secure facility like a tech clean room or a lab would be a different story, but a SCIF is just an office with more rules. Many agencies still allow access to personal email (although not everyone has unclass at their desks) so email, gchat etc is also still a possibility.
Anon says
It depends what you do. There are offices like the one you described but there are also entire buildings that are SCIFs with no unclass access, no public phone lines, and no receptionist who would be able to go get employees if someone called. I’ve also never heard of an agency allowing personal email access – contractor corporate email yes, but never ever personal services. I’m surprised that there is even an rmf accredited system that allows gchat. That wouldn’t fly anywhere I’ve ever worked, it would get you shut down.
Anon says
My husband washes all of the dinner dishes along with bottles and pump parts each night. It’s amazing!
Lilibet says
Hi! Spouse works in secure facility and has a 45 minute-1 hour commute each way. So, he’s generally out of the house 6:30am-5:45pm. We have two young kids. I want to acknowledge that it was tricky for us to settle into a routine that worked and we are still figuring out how to do it with 2.
I do have a direct hardline phone number for my spouse. I also have an main office number if it is an emergency and someone will find him. I bet there is an emergency line available and he should ask.
Spouse is in charge of dishes and dishwasher, packing lunches for everyone, cleaning the kitchen each night, prepping diaper bags/backpacks, trash, recycling, laundry (I put in during the day since WFH, he folds and puts away), yard, pet walking and care. He also takes off for any previously scheduled kid appointments (well child, dentist, teacher workday). I currently do the drop offs/pick ups and dinner planning/making. I would love to not do pick up but traffic is so erratic that I have it for now. We do basic dinners prepped in 15 minutes because of this.
We are not morning people but skewing earlier was worth it for us because dinner+bedtime with my two kids solo is rough. We’ve made an agreement that he has to be home by 5:45pm. If there is a chance that he can’t due to an emergency, he will call me by 4pm so I can make adjustments to the evening plan (like ordering takeout, frozen meal, eggs and toast for dinner).
I think the biggest challenge for us was spouse getting used to telling people no, he really did have a hard stop, and then actually leaving even if they were following him out! In his role, there are true emergencies, but they are a few times in year, not weekly. It has taken some training but his office seems to respect it now. I wish you the best of luck on this new adventure.
Anon says
My husband is an engineer on commercial ships. He’s regularly gone for months at a time and has had periods of time where he is totally blackout. He (obviously) can’t answer the phone when he’s in the middle of the ocean and really – what would he do anyway?
What did I do? Well, I built a strong support network and switched into a job where I have a lot of flexibility. I didn’t step back, but I took a lateral step that meant I could always make daycare pickup. We also moved closer to family in anticipation of having kids.
Other side is that when he’s home, he is the default parent. It’s very weird, but we make it work. My key thing I ask is, “What do I need to make sure I don’t start to feel resentful.”
Anonymous says
I don’t get this question. Your spouse isn’t “absent,” he’s just at work for the day. Figure out who will be the primary contact for day care emergencies. If it’s him, give day care the information they need to get a message to him. Then let him do his job all day and you do yours. It’s easier to be a working parent if you can compartmentalize as much as possible and not be e-mailing or texting about kid stuff all day.
Anon4this says
There are some jobs where you can’t be reached, even in the event of an emergency because of national security restrictions. The emergency just has to wait until the work period is over. In these jobs you typically get breaks where you can access devices, get messages, etc. but it could be once every 2-4 hours. If OPs husband has that type of job its not realistic for him to be the primary contact for daycare emergencies.
Anonymous says
Which is why OP will probably end up as the primary contact. But she doesn’t need to be able to reach him throughout the day any more than she does now.
ASD says
I am struggling this morning because I suspect my 3 YO son has ASD. We’re on months-long waiting lists for a formal screening, and in the meantime son is receiving weekly speech therapy. If anyone has a child on the spectrum, I’d love to hear your experience because I am feeling very alone and scared right now.
So Anon says
Hey! My son is autistic, and we talk about how it is his super power. He was diagnosed in first grade (now in 5th) and looking back, I can see the signs from when he was much younger. It was a super long wait to get an appointment with the behavioral pediatrician and then a full further neuro-psych eval. I remember being completely overwhelmed with all of the information and possibilities during the wait and process.
We tried play therapy for a while, but that didn’t really help with the behaviors that I was seeing. The play therapist recommended OT, which was the biggest help. My son spent over 3 years doing weekly OT that was focused on his fine and gross motor skills and learning coping skills for emotional and sensory regulation. ABA is disfavored in the autism community.
I would encourage you to search out autistic-positive resources and the voices of autistic adults. I now view my son’s autism as a wonderful gift to him and our family. Our relationship is closer and we work together to address everyone’s needs in our family. I would also encourage you to stay away from the gloom and doom organizations, like autism speaks or anything that talks about “curing” autism. Neurodivergent rebel has great information and a resources page.
Anonnnnn says
Adult with spectrum Dx here. It’s true that ABA is really, really not recommended by the majority of people who have experienced it, and there are always alternatives. In general, if any therapist seems to be using manipulative training methods, it’s okay to look for a more respectful one! At school ages, I would also watch out for any kind of support service that’s obviously designed more for the convenience of school or generally to make the student accommodate the school rather than the other way around. Unfortunately conventional school environments aren’t always well suited especially if there are sensory challenges or “twice exceptional” patterns of development, and there’s a lot of resistance to real accommodation. But these days there are also all kinds of creative alternatives that can make for a happier childhood and provide better preparation for the adult world anyway.
Allie says
No personal experience but I find the autistic young adults on tik tok really inspiring and interesting and recommend it as an easy and fun way to learn.
Anonymous says
My daughter has ASD. We waited for years to get off the waitlist for ABA therapy since her public school refused to do social skills group work with her because she was a girl (I get that she was more advanced than some of their ASD boys, but giving her nothing was not the answer nor was not letting her be in a group to practice social skills with direction and adult oversight. Jerks.). When she finally got off the list, we had switched peds practices and gotten in with a “Developmental Pediatrician,” who evaluated her and thought that she needed more group social activities vs ABA therapy (and the ABA people wanted her for 40 hours a week, which we could have done last year with schools closed, but they are open now and she needs to be in them and I work — this is the degree of mismatch we have always encountered). Our church is doing social groups of kids now outdoors and she does that 2x a week and will be in a manners class starting up soon and we feel that that gets her closer to what she needs and allows her to attend school (but: she is in a regular school and doing well, but was bullied horribly in the years before COVID and honestly no one cared but me, so a good daycare or school with actually supportive people will be key no matter what therapies you pursue).
Anon Lawyer says
40 hours a week of therapy plus school sounds horrific. WTF. Nobody would ever suggest an adult should do 40 hours of self improvement a week on top of their job.
Anon says
It’s almost as if they chose the number of hours that they felt like working.
Anonymous says
ASD parent here and a severely affected very young child may need a lot of services but likely not a school-aged kid who is in a regular school. That kid probably needs some skills work and maybe PT but really needs to be in school.
Anonnnnn says
School is often tremendously harmful to autistic students, albeit not as bad as ABA, so “really needs to be in school” isn’t a great assumption either.
Anon says
How warm are those primary thin puffer jackets? We live in Houston and my kids have a north face fleece. Should i also get them a puffer jacket? Normally we travel East but not happening this year
ALC says
My 26-month-old decided this morning he would not wear a diaper. I tried distraction, asking him questions about it, giving him a choice of two different patterned diapers, explaining why he needs one, etc. I gave up and let him eat breakfast naked and then tried again, but he still refused. Finally my husband and I wrestled him into it. Is there anything else we can try to get through these power struggles?
Anonymous says
How frustrating. Maybe it’s time to try sticking him on the potty? Just kidding, mostly.
anonM says
Our 21 mo old likes to take hers off/yell about putting it on. (And, I’m not ready to potty train her yet because she can’t quite dress/undress herself yet/still scarred by PTing DS). Combo: she can sit on the potty (she does pee on it!), but then she has to put a diaper back on. She also has to wear a onesie still under any outfit so she can’t rip off the diaper. You can get a plain set with short sleeves (almost sleeveless look).
Anon says
My brother woke up from a nap one day at about that age and decided diapers were for babies and that he was a big boy. He refused diapers and through shear will was instantly potty trained. Started going in the potty like it was easy. You might try underwear and see how it goes!
Anonymous says
I would potty train that kid. Perhaps not the schedule you wanted, but if you’re gonna have to fight anyway, may as well end up with poop in the toilet.
Anonymous says
Also in parallel to potty training, do underwear with a diaper over it. If you really just cannot deal with potty training, put him in pull ups.
Anonymous says
Yes to pull-ups. So much easier than diapers at this age.
GCA says
Lean into it? At that age my first kid decided he was done with diapers and would use the potty like the bigger kids in his toddler room at daycare (he was the youngest for a time and several of the older kids potty trained early). So we, and daycare, leaned into it. I credit them and peer pressure with potty training him.
Doodles says
I’d like to start buying the same type and colors socks for my preschooler. I’m so tired of all the mismatched character socks that get lost or stolen by the dog or put in the baby’s drawers. Any suggestions for a brand that will hold up and also be easy to find when I need to replace or get more? Thanks.
Anonymous says
We had plain white socks from Old Navy.
Anon says
My kids have white socks from old navy. As long as i can help it i have no plans to introduce colored socks
Anon says
I buy all the same kind from Polarn O Pyret. I’m picky about socks and they hold up well.
Mary Moo Cow says
Primary and Jeffries socks. Jeffries are sold by my local kids shoe store but also on Amazon.
anon says
Ordering socks is so far down on the list of things I want to do that I just stick with Hanes that I can buy and re-buy at Target as needed.
Anonymous says
+1 Hanes at target, but I always buy 20 pairs at a time. Throw away all non-conforming socks.
Anonymous says
I’m here to vent. And I hate venting to this board about this topic becuase the resposes will be ultra harsh. But I’m going to do it anyway. DH and I have fallen into a pattern where I feel like I’m doing too many of the household duties. I breakdown, ask him to do more, he agrees he will, and then he only does for like a week. Finally months later after I’ve been picking up the slack for a long time and other things just aren’t getting done, I bring it up again. Repeat. There are definitely some things he owns and does a great job of. I love him, and I am not going to divorce him. Full stop. But I also don’t think it is fair to me to have to manage him to make sure his stuff gets done. I want him to own it and do a good job. We had one of said discussions last night, so obviously he’s all weird and pissy today.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry this is so common and so frustrating. Have you gone to counseling together?
Anonymous says
No. We probably should but I doubt it is in the cards at this exact moment.
AnonATL says
Same! Such a common problem, and I hate the cycle in our relationship too. It’s been better lately in part because we read the how not to hate your husband after kids book together. He better understands how much I do and how exhausting it is and has started being way more proactive. My breakdowns tend to coincide with work being busy and the extra family chores become too much. I try to be more aware of that as it is happening and explicitly ask for more help. Most nights I cook dinner, but when work is crazy it’s his job even if we eat frozen pizza or canned soup.
anonM says
It’s so hard. I also really hate when I feel like an argument is just rinse/repeat. A few thoughts – can you have him take on more tasks like the ones he does do a good job with? Even if it is more gendered? Ex. – I like outdoor chores but I’m not going to do that PLUS all the inside tasks, so I don’t care if the distribution is more traditional if it is more equal. Another thing that helps for us is me just writing things that need to be done on a list on the fridge. Then on the weekend, he looks at the list and often will do some of those things. (It helps that he loves projects and knows I’ll throw a fit if he starts a new one before my list is done. Whatever, idc if people hate this idea, because it works for me!) Basically, I hate nagging so will do a lot to avoid the nagging/managing I think you mean here. I also force some tasks — like, do you want to clean the kitchen or do bath time? To me, that doesn’t feel like I’m “managing” the tasks, but does help make both are contributing.
Anonymous says
I’m not criticizing what works for your family, but giving your husband a choice like that (“do you want to do X or Y”) can make it feel like you’re speaking to a toddler, not a partner :( It’s really hard.
anonM says
Well I guess I didn’t really express this right. After dinner if we’re both sitting around but need to do baths/kitchen, it’s like ok let’s get up, who is doing what? I’ll do kitchen if you do bath. Not literally giving him two options lol — more a nicer way to be like “get off your phone why aren’t you helping?!” Basically prodding so that we don’t end up with me doing baths with him half-helping/on the phone and then we still have to do the kitchen after bedtime, which I don’t like. On a weekend, sure, play guitar for us all while I do baths, but on a weekday let’s divide and conquer. I’ve realized with weeks where he travels that a lot of my normal irritation with kid tasks is the whose-turn-is-it/negotiation/feeling like I’m doing more. If it is just my task and I know it, I don’t get resentful, and divide-and-conquer means for us we often have some downtime to watch a show or something at the end of the day.
Clementine says
A way we diffuse tension is to play rock paper scissors to determine who does X task. Like… dishes vs. wrangling kid for bedtime… ‘Rock paper scissors for dishes? Loser does bathtime?’
It’s such an absurd way to divide tasks but it always makes us kind of laugh.
Anonymous says
Make a list and put it on the fridge. Our fridge has a list with who is going to cook what on which nights so the ‘easy meals’ are fairly divided. You want him to want to do housework. No one ‘wants’ to do housework. No one ‘wants’ to load the dishwasher. Assign specific agreed consequences that you expressly discuss in advance. Put them in writing via email. Like Bob unloads dishwasher on Tuesdays but forgets so Bob has to now cover Sue’s unload the dishwasher on Wednesday and Sue gets Wednesday off from unloading. Bob will remember the next time. Make it MUCH more painful to forget a chore. Agree on chores but also on specific consequences if a chore is missed.
I’d do less if DH didn’t call me out on it.I change the sheets because I want them changed every week and he would go three weeks. Have the person who cares more about the job do the job. He grocery shops because he is pickier about that but he takes a list. If he forgets the list, then he goes straight back to the store and gets what he forget. There’s no ‘don’t worry, I’ll stop on my way home from work tomorrow’.
Written specific lists on the fridge and in email etc. Don’t help him if he messes up. His job to keep the cars full of gas and you need to leave at 6am and he doesn’t leave until 8am but it’s 11pm at night and he just remembered that he didn’t get gas? He gets up and goes to get gas then and there. You DON”T say ‘it’s fine I’ll do it tomorrow’.
Anonymous says
“Have the person who cares more about the job do the job” doesn’t work at all in my experience. It’s the fast-track to men “not seeing” the trash that needs to go out or the dishes that need to be cleaned and it also sets the relationship up for fights (“you think I WANT to do the chores? I’m only doing them because you won’t get off my back”) and similar. I prefer a strict division of responsibility – we agreed that the trash goes out daily, it’s now 100% my husband’s domain, and I stay out of it completely even though I’m the one who cares more about trash going out.
Anon says
Agreed. My husband doesn’t care about anything except our kids being happy and everyone being fed. If I owned all the tasks he didn’t care about I would do everything. This division of labor would never work for us.
Anonymous says
Yup. My husband has a very short list of tasks he thinks are necessary. Anything else, like cleaning the bathroom or making sure homework gets turned in, is something I choose to do for recreation. Absolutely infuriating.
fair Play says
Had same issue, and though it’s been recommended here before, I will put in another plug for the book Fair Play. We implemented the processes, and the most important takeaway is “concept-planning-execution” all has to be done by the same person. When that happens, so much oversight and nagging and stress disappears. It may be more important to you that he “owns” some tasks entirely than the number of “cards” or tasks you each hold.
Anonymous says
What are some examples? Also, what happens if he doesn’t get his stuff done?
Our kids have needed lunch packed for the past 10 years. DH still cannot do it well without explicit instructions from me.
Therefore, the kids buy lunch on days when I can’t/won’t/don’t pack it. If they are grumpy about it or want something different, they pack their own/talk to dad about it. My 10 year old manages herself. My 4 and 6 year old are the ones DH is really in charge of and they will LET HIM KNOW if it’s a problem.
Anonymous says
“There are definitely some things he owns and does a great job of.” This is the key. Each of you needs to completely own certain tasks or you will end up having to manage him. Figure out what else you can completely hand over to him, preferably something that HAS to get done so he can’t put it off or forget it (unloading the dishwasher is good, vacumming not so much). Or something that you can live with if it doesn’t happen on schedule, like yard work. If you want him to collaborate or trade off with you on certain tasks, it’s not going to happen unless you manage him.
Anon says
Can he be responsible for things that simply cannot be dropped (like making school lunches or taking kids to school) or for which he would solely bear the consequences (like his laundry and buying gifts for his family)? For recurring tasks like going grocery shopping or cleaning bathrooms, can you decide on a split and then put a checklist on the fridge and you each check it off as you go so there’s a glaring reminder?
I have also found it’s really helpful to do joint take time two or three nights a week. Set a timer for something realistic like twenty minutes and out on music and both do chores. Once we get going we usually keep going beyond the set time but even if one or both of us stops, it makes a big difference and makes me feel like we are on a team. Key is to do this immediately after getting kids down before getting sucked into work or TV.
Anonymous says
This. I still buy for the kids in his family because he straight up forgets. The year I downloaded birthday shopping for his mom to him, he forget entirely. I did not save him. When kids asked what we got grandma, I said I wasn’t sure because it was dad’s job. Their unhappiness about learning that he forgot grandma’s birthday carried a lot more weight than my nagging would have. Let the balls drop. They will learn.
Anonymous says
So DH and I had a similar argument last night. Maybe my strategizing can help you. DH was complaining that having twins is hard (which it is…we also have a preschooler). Instead of sympathizing I made a joke about how I do most of the child care and boy, that was the wrong thing to say. DH helps me a lot; I think it’s just that I don’t really mind the slog of baby care and he does, so everything he does requires a lot of effort for him. I think I am going to: 1) just hire a d@mn housekeeper. We can afford it. 2) try to find a pt nanny or at least a nighttime babysitter (maybe I’ll task this to DH) and 3) sit down and ask DH what exactly he would like to be doing now that he isn’t able to, and see if we can find a way to make it happen. We did virtual therapy last year and while it was helpful, I think your battles are your battles for the entirety of your marriage. To me, it makes more sense to try to work through them (or at least recognize my own triggers) rather than DTMFA. You’re just going to get another MFA with a different set of problems. But I digress. Hope this is helpful.
Anonymous says
Why do you phrase it as him ‘helping you’? Does he think of it as you ‘helping him’ when do you things around the house or for the kids?
Anonymous says
Yes, because we are partners.
OP says
Ironically, one of DHs tasks that he dropped the ball on is outsourciing cleaning for us.
Anonymous says
So then he is responsible for all cleaning until the cleaners are hired.
Realist says
Listen to Episode 06 of Glennon Doyle’s “We Can Do Hard Things” and, if he will do it, sit your husband down and listen to it again with him. Episode 06 is the one called “Is Our Exhaustion A Sign We’re Careticking Time Bombs.” Sometimes hearing the problem from the mouth of a third party can help, or just hearing your primal scream of burned out rage articulated neatly and eloquently is helpful.
Anonymous says
Thank you for this practical suggestion.
Anonymous says
Am I the only one who absolutely cannot stand Glennon Doyle? I haven’t tried the podcast, but her writing is just so whiny and navel-gazing that I can’t abide it. She doesn’t make me feel empowered. She makes me want to tell her to suck it up and deal just like the rest of us.
Realist says
I don’t know Glennon Doyle’s work. Someone just recommended this podcast, particularly this episode, to me. I’ve only listened to a few episodes but this one struck a chord. So maybe the podcast is better than her normal stuff. Also the podcast has a co-host and is more conversation format, which I like.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
I mean this with no trolling intent but…it’s too faux woke white woman for me.
test run says
Agreed – she’s obnoxious. She acts like she’s the first person to realize any of her woke ideas when really she’s… pretty much the last person to know.
Anon says
No you’re not the only one. I find her very obnoxious.
Mary Moo Cow says
Oh, I feel you. At the top of my physical to-do list is “Nag DH about opening college fund investment account.” It has been a topic of conversation for 2 years. (I don’t want to do it; I haven’t put in the research that he has; I’m delegating it to him and living with the consequences.) Also, I’ve forced dressing our 4 year old for school in the mornings on him, and this morning, he put her uniform skirt on backwards so the slit was in the front. He did fine for 3 weeks; why this morning?
Anon says
Dude. Sympathy. It’s annoying that outsourcing the cleaning was his task and he dropped it. I’d pick that one up and then that might pay major dividends. I actually left a note to my partner today about a specific task that is in his bailiwick. I listed the options as I saw them and I noted that if it wasn’t resolved by a specific date, I’d be outsourcing it. Also, I’d be pissed. I did outline the impact on me and the kids that has resulted from his sloth like movement on this task.
Here’s a couple things that help me as well: I’m off Sunday morning. Off. Bye, boy. He’s in charge for that time. He also does all the kids laundry. When he is home, I do not do bedtime, so I’m off at 7. I have lower standards than before (e.g. I used to launder all sheets once a week, now it’s slipped to twice a week)
No Face says
I say this every time, but my husband and I have entirely different tasks. We do not manage each other, or do each other’s things unless someone is exhausted or sick or something. Just as an example, he does his own laundry. If he forgets and doesn’t have underwear, he can do laundry or buy more underwear. I don’t feel responsible for that in any way.
Also, some balls have to drop. And, it is okay if you are not doing everything in the “perfect” way. Could we make our kid lunch every day? Sure! But there is lunch at my kid’s school and that is good enough. If the person who is supposed to do the dishes is too tired for dishes, then the dishes will be done tomorrow. No one will die.
anon says
I think you need to have him take responsibility for tasks where he can’t slack–it has to get done. It could be pick up / drop off, packing school lunches, grocery shopping, meal prep or something else. But make it something where he can’t slide–it absolutely has to get done. Don’t switch off. It has to be 100% his.
I do lots of miscellaneous stuff in our house, but my husband does 100% of the grocery shopping and cooking. Having him take on big tasks balances out a lot of smaller tasks. And if he doesn’t do it, then we have hungry unhappy kids, so it can’t slip.
IHeartBacon says
This is so hard. You have my sympathy. We struggle with this cycle too.
Spouses are human beings and some human being are competent, autonomous, and self-motivating. Others are competent but take no initiative. Others are just incompetent. The first category is great. The second category takes oversight and management, much like an employee. The final category is hopeless.
It sounds like your husband may fall into the “competent but take no initiative” category (see “There are definitely some things he owns and does a great job of”). I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don’t. A lot of us on this board struggle with your issue (see “spouses are human beings” comment above). I second others’ recommendations on Fair Play and How Not To Hate Your Husband After Kids. Each of those have some great ideas … for the oversight and management of my employee. :/
IHeartBacon says
Another book recommendation: Drop the Ball.
Anon says
I have the same problem in my relationship and it’s been going on for years. Honestly, I’ve given up trying to get equal help. Some couples fight about the same issues for their entire lives, and sometimes you just have to accept that your partner is not the same as you. I try to pick my battles so we aren’t butting heads each day. I still ask for help with specific things like taking our kid’s to doctor’s appointments, but I don’t expect my partner to pitch in to the level I view as fair. He tends to do more stereotypical masculine chores like mowing the lawn, building and fixing things, and works very hard at his job.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1. This is my scenario, with the change that while I’m clean/neat, DH is a lot more particular (e.g. we just got into a back-and-forth about what he defined of “piles of stuff” on our counter; realistically it was…2 extra things out), and little things that just HAPPEN can really trigger him (e.g. a lighbulb out in a hard-to-reach place, a screw loose, a random stain on our duvet cover) and he needs to handle it ASAP. I’m also a people pleaser that loves to internalize blame, so this pattern is a lot of fun whether it’s something I did or not. We’ve done the therapy, and I know why he reacts/we get into the pattern, he’s definitely gotten better (as have I), and it’s finally come to a point very recently where I’ve accepted that he may have a reaction and need to work through feelings, but I also don’t internalize, I just empathize, apologize IF necessary, and let it be.
I’m also not a 50/50 person, but I expect 100% effort for the things that are owned.
Allie says
This is a minor suggestion but whenever I remind husband about a household task we’ve both agreed that he has to say “thank you for your leadership” instead of feeling like I’m nagging. It helps reframe the role I’m playing and (when he was) that he was failing to play (he rarely drops things anymore tbh).
Anonymous says
omg i love this. if i hear my husband say one more time that i’m nagging, acting like his mother, etc., i might explode.
Anonymous says
OMG. In that case he should be responding with “that you for not lighting me on fire after I said you were like my mom”. You are a very gracious woman to allow him in the house after a BS comment like that.
test run says
Love how they don’t realize that by calling you mom they’re calling themselves…a child?
Anon says
Are you kidding me? “Thank you for your leadership” is so contrived and sounds like a corporate bot. Just talk like real people. Try a simple “Thanks for reminding me” or “Oh yeah, good point.”
Anon says
I just got divorced, and based on the responses I am so glad to have gotten off the hamster wheel. I’m still Team Marriage in general. But as someone on the other side, it’s amazing the behavior we accept from men. In my experience (which is obviously very narrow), they don’t get better at picking up more work, you just get better at accepting it.
IHeartBacon says
“ In my experience (which is obviously very narrow), they don’t get better at picking up more work, you just get better at accepting it.”
This. So much this. And it’s true for all relationships.
Anon says
Counseling to address the pattern, otherwise it’s never gonna stop on its own.
Strollerstrike says
Anyone‘s kid also not want to go home from daycare? Any tips to make pick up easier?
My two year old sons often does not want to go home at the end of a (long) daycare day. He just loves playing there. I am relieved in that I can go to work without worrying or “guilt” but part of me is also sad that he screams “no home, no home” when I carry him out. Also I feel like the teachers are judging me for it but that might be in my head…
anonM says
Try your best to silence the voice in your head worrying about teacher judgment for something that is not health/safety related. If something is truly an issue, they’ll have to talk to you about it directly. Also, this sounds more to me like a transition issue than him really not wanting to go home. Not sure your daycare set up, but I’d see if there’s some way for you to contact the teacher 10min before you’re there for pickup and ask that they tell him/set a timer/have him clean up before you get there. He may just not want to be interrupted from his toy/project! Good luck. Pick up/drop off crying is SO hard.
Boston Legal Eagle says
They would be crazy to judge you for that. My almost 3 year old still cries occasionally at drop off (typically yells for the other parent who is not doing drop off…) but we don’t take it personally. I would say something like “oh it sounds like you had such a good day at school, you don’t want to leave” (acknowledge the emotions), “we’re going home now and will get to play xyz.” Give him a snack on the way home.
Anonymous says
It’s normal. My kid used to complain when he wasn’t the last one picked up. He liked having the teachers undivided attention even if only for 5 minutes extra than the last kid at the end of the day.
AwayEmily says
We keep a bag of gummy bears in the glove compartment and kids get one when they get into the car. A very little thing but all I have to say when they are stalling is “what color gummy bear are you going to pick today?” and they are out the door like a rocket.
If your kid is not as sugar-mad as mine, maybe something else fun waiting in the car? (he gets to pick the song that plays on the way home, you brought a book for him to look at, etc).
Anonymous says
Yes, I was going to suggest a bribe. My kiddo is happy to leave daycare at pick up but then screams at getting in the car, so I recently stocked a bag of “car snacks” (individual packages of raisins, goldfish, etc.) and tell her she can pick her snack once she’s in her carseat. This should help with post-daycare hangriness too. I think music is a good idea, too, we’re Frozen on repeat over here.
Anon. says
Yep. We use jelly beans (or Mike & Ike’s, which my kids think are also jelly beans) or a single Starburst candy.
And for sure drop the guilt. He’s playing with his friends and fun toys, of course he doesn’t want to leave! I promise the teachers are definitely not judging you.
Anon says
Car snacks. I sometimes bring popcorn for my son.
Anonymous says
I know some people don’t let kids eat in the car at all b/c of choking fears and I am not that person, but kid eating popcorn while strapped into a carseat while I was driving would be a no for me.
Anon says
What exactly are you trying to say, Anonymous?
Anon says
I think it’s pretty obvious what she’s saying – she doesn’t think feeding a daycare age kid popcorn in the car is safe. I tend to agree.
Anon says
Funny, I thought she was engaging in passive-aggressive mom shaming. Whether or not she’s right, she’s a pile of nasty.
Pogo says
Yes, when we went through this we used car bribes. Also had to chase him down and strap him in the car. It was a phase. Like all things, it was painful at the time but seems like a somewhat distant memory now.
Anonymous says
Don’t worry. Truthfully, it sounds like a transition issue more than loving daycare more than home. The teachers probably see it that way too.
Spirograph says
Pick up is pick up. Is he usually still playing when you get there? It might be helpful to greet him and say “I’m getting your backpack, it’s almost time to go! 2 minutes, do one last fun thing today, and it will be ready for you to come back tomorrow”
The teachers are not judging you, they’re happy your kid is happy at school, not making assumptions about your home life. They know 2 year olds lack nuance in their communication skills! My kids have often been reluctant to go home after daycare or school. They specifically ask to be picked up late so they have more time to play. I’ve never taken it as an indication that they don’t like being at home, just that daycare/ aftercare is awesome.
Anon says
The teachers are not judging you. Many kids go through a phase like this around 2. Transitions are very hard at that age. Some things that helped us were: 1) having a snack in the car, 2) bringing the dog to pickup (dog stays in the car so we only do this in mild weather), 3) talking about a fun thing we would do at home after school, 4) giving them time to transition in the classroom (for example “I’ll go get your stuff out of your cubby while you play with blocks for more minute and then we’ll leave”).
Anonymous says
Another silver lining to the pandemic? Virtual open houses and parent teacher conferences. Our school did a 100% virtual open house this year and is offering both in person or zoom conferences (teacher will be in the building either way).
The teachers are also much, MUCH better about email than in the past and half the dumb paper forms were permanently done away with entirely over the course of the pandemic.
Also, because literally everyone has HAD.A.YEAR (or two), all of the school events are doubling down on the “it’s okay to buy something! please don’t bother baking. Literally run into the store and grab something off the shelf. we don’t care.” It has assuaged a lot of working parent guilt. PTO meetings are still fully virtual but once they start up wiht in person again they will maintain the zoom dial-in option. My friend is super involved and she said they saw a doubling of parent participation when they enabled the remote options!
anon says
Finally we’re making some headway, and all it took was a f*cking global pandemic.
Anon says
I laughed too hard at this… except in that “wow it’s sad but true” way.
Anon says
i don’t want people’s germy baked goods anyway
DLC says
I LOVED virtual back to school night. We didn’t have to find a sitter for the kids, both parents could attend, we ate dinner while zooming in, we didn’t have to battle rush hour traffic and find parking, and there was minimal disruption to our evening routine. I understand that not everyone is fortunate that a virtual Back to school night is easy, but i hope the school finds a way to at least make a hybrid version possible.
PetiteMom says
Totally frivolous question: For those of you who work from home (I am fully remote) what do you do to feel put together and good about yourself? I basically stopped wearing make-up, stopped doing my nails, and I wear super comfy old clothes. I feel like my self-esteem is low and basically I don’t feel good about myself. I used to enjoy getting ready for work and picking cute outfits when I was working in an office. I only “dress up” for the weekend grocery run or kid birthday parties…
NYC Girl says
I combat this by getting dressed every day when I WFH. I am on video a lot of the day so I have incentive to look more presentable, but even days where I have no video I still put on minimal makeup, do my hair (if I’m lazy it’s just a bun), and put on real clothes. Real clothes = real top (blouse, nice tee if I’m feeling fancy I throw on a blazer) and non-lounge/pajama bottoms (nice leggings, jeans, slacks). I still do my nails each weekend (clean up cuticles and put on clear Dior glow polish – it takes 5 min).
Another benefit to actually getting dressed is that at the end of my work day I change into my lounge clothes. For me this signals that work day is over and creates some separation.
IHeartBacon says
All of this.
I started doing my own nails, which is easy now that I have the hang of it. I also got a bunch of different nail polish colors and matching lipsticks (red lipstick with red nails; hot pink lipstick with hot pink nails; wine lipstick with wine nails), to rotate throughout the weeks. I like the way it looks on video meetings.
RR says
Yes to red lipstick. I feel like it’s too harsh on me IRL, but it’s perfect on video!
Anonymous says
In 2020 I took an entire year off wearing makeup. It felt great, but I totally get you on the self esteem. Now, I put on makeup on days I’m feeling particularly blah, I’d estimate I wear it 2-3 days per week now. It helps. I will say I also bought a lot of new (to me) clothes, and those I get less joy-mileage out of, but YMMV. I hate to even say it but are you also exercising and getting enough sleep?
anon says
I’m mostly back in the office, but when I was WFH, I did not stop doing hair and makeup. Makeup-free equals relaxation to me, which is not the mode I need to be in while working. I also wore decent clothes. They were still casual but I wouldn’t be embarrassed to wear them outside the house. Again, schlumpy clothes signal weekend time in my brain.
GCA says
Anecdote, but I recently got a dramatic bob after a year of long, straggly pandemic hair, and my boss said she thought my confidence and energy level on video calls were suddenly through the roof. Like a glamorous suit of armor. If I don’t have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, at least I have the courage to get a really drastic haircut!
Spirograph says
Love this. I have a hair appointment next week, and feel like I need a change. I’ve been debating how dramatic I want to go…
Anonymous says
I dress in super comfy old clothes, don’t do make-up, and don’t do hair beyond combing it and my self-esteem has never been better. It’s not at all connected to clothes for me – in fact, I feel more like “me” now that I get to wear whatever I want and ensure my comfort all day. Are you sure it’s clothes causing the issue for you? Why should you feel bad about “yourself” (rather than, say, an aspect of yourself like appearance) if you’re comfortable, spending less time on costly and intensive beauty routines, and getting your work done? That’s not to say you can’t dress up if that’s what you want, but consider whether the self-esteem could be caused by some other factor.
No Face says
Go to a high-end thrift store and buy yourself a wardrobe of cute WFH clothes. If you like having painted nails, paint your nails!
Spirograph says
After a lull in the first part of the pandemic, I resumed all those things you mentioned. I don’t wear a ton of makeup, but I have a 1-minute blush-mascara-eyebrow-chapstick routine. I paint my nails every couple weeks or so while watching bad TV. I wear cute tops and jewelry, even if I’m wearing jeans or yoga pants on the bottom. I’ve never been one to spend a lot of time on my hair, but I do change up how I wear it (styled in 5 min or less) almost every day because somehow it entertains me to look different on zoom? And I exercise and wear cute workout clothes.
So short answer is, just resume your personal grooming routines. Sure, pare them down, but for me the ritual of taking a bit of time on my appearance makes me feel more “on,” and more put-together both mentally and physically. It’s like the personal care version of making my bed every morning.
govtattymom says
I totally get that! I don’t “dress up” either. I’m still doing a lot of the childcare myself (I’m immunocompromised so very careful about covid risk) and virtually all of my non-childcare time has to be spent working. Most days I don’t have the time to put on makeup or pick out a nice outfit. It does impact my self esteem a bit. I throw on some foundation during a lull in my day when I can. :)
Anonymous says
Why aren’t you doing your nails, wearing makeup, and wearing cute clothes if you enjoy doing those things? If it’s because you feel that you shouldn’t wear out your nice clothes wearing them when no one will see them, or shouldn’t waste time on personal grooming, or shouldn’t care about your appearance because it would somehow be selling out on your feminism, don’t listen to the voice that says “shouldn’t.” Wear your nice clothes because they’ll be out of style or won’t fit by the time things get back to normal, if they ever do. If your nice clothes aren’t comfortable, invest in a few cute, comfortable WFH pieces. Come up with a makeup and hair routine that fits your current lifestyle but allows you to feel like yourself. And do your nails if it makes you happy.
FWIW, I am more productive on days when I feel put together than on days when I feel schlumpy.
Anon. says
I’m fully remote. I don’t dress up, cause I want to be comfy. But I did invest in an athleisure wardrobe that I feel cute and confident in. I always change out of my PJs and into real clothes for the day. I always put my hair in a style that is somewhat presentable.
Anon says
I brush my teeth and wash my face and just put on CC cream (it cosmetics CC cream, specifically) and some mascara (blonde eyelashes so it makes me look like ‘myself’). I do get my nails done about once a month because it makes me happy. I put more into my hair than just ‘workout messy bun’. Even if it’s just slightly shaken out and a nicer looking topknot, it makes me feel better about myself.
I also started doing Stitch Fix with a specific eye to the type of comfy but look nice on camera type clothes I never needed before. Right now I’m wearing a very soft mulberry colored sweater from there with dark leggings and it makes me feel like myself.
I also wear real bras. I just… don’t feel dressed without one (even if it’s wireless).
RR says
I still do my nails. I use those conference calls where I don’t have to talk much and just have to listen. It actually helps me focus to be doing something with my hands. It makes me happy.
I’ve also curated a wardrobe of fun, comfy sneakers. I just bought the Rothy’s lace up and love them. Even if I’m wearing joggers and a sweatshirt, they make me feel ever so slightly stylish.
Anonymous says
Does anyone have any tips for getting past rage about the pandemic? The context is – we’ve had a rough month. Son mysteriously came down with COVID in August and passed it on to me and my husband, both fully vaxxed, but not before my husband left town to deal with some family stuff. So he had to quarantine where he was and was gone for 2 full weeks while I was trapped in our little apartment with our son. I worked from home during this time. Then school started and my office reopened. After 1 week of classes, someone in my son’s class tested positive and the entire class moved to remote instruction for 10 days per local DOE policy (NYC public schools). I had a screaming fit and went back to working from home and tried to supervise remote learning at the same time. My husband is a teacher so can’t really work from home. The policy changed this past Monday to make it less restrictive (he would not need to stay home under the new policy_, but they did not apply it retroactively. So yesterday they were allowed to go back to school, finally. Last night while at a work event I got an email that a second kid in the class had tested positive last week, so they decided to add 2 more days of quarantine, even though they were all in school together yesterday AND under the new policy would not be considered close contacts anyway. But because the original infection happened prior to the date the new policy was implemented, it is treated under the old rules. So now he’s back home today and tomorrow. I’m just so full of rage I can hardly think about anything else. It is hard to feel like thank god they are protecting everyone’s health when this seems completely arbitrary. I’m just so done with this. We had almost no childcare for all of last year because there were no good affordable options, and I’m sick of trying to be a parent and a worker at the same time and feeling like I’m failing at both simultaneously. I keep thinking, okay, now it’s going to be different, and then it isn’t. I’m lucky my supervisor is understanding and willing to let me work from home when I need to for this, but now that everyone is expected to be back in the office most of the time, it’s harder to be remote. And I miss my alone time on my commute, seeing my coworkers, not having to look at my at-home to do list all day, etc. Ugh! I just can’t seem to get past my frustration. I know I have to just accept this; I can’t control it or fix it, but how?
Realist says
No tips. Just solidarity. I’m just trying to hold my rage and temper it with patience. If something can’t go on …. it won’t. It feels like so much of the country is at a breaking point. There are so many things happening that simply can’t go on. So they won’t. But I don’t know what happens after. When things break, as they eventually will, we will need to make sure that we mend them into something better or things will just get worse.
So there is a quote from Wrinkle in Time that keeps popping into my head. “Stay angry, little Meg,” Mrs. Whatsit whispers in the novel. “You will need all your anger now.”
I also keep re-reading about the women’s strike in Iceland.
Anonymous says
Thank you! I know in my heart that I am very, very lucky to have a job, a home, and a job that can be done from home. I’m lucky we survived the first wave, which was very scary here. I’m lucky to have a job that I want to go to. I’m lucky my son can do remote school reasonably well with little help. But I still feel so resentful.
anon says
To see the glass as half full, your son has at least temporary immunity to Delta and has recovered. That’s huge. If he has any other friends in his class, now is the time to reform those pods and to call on your network. I haven’t heard of any kids re-catching COVID within a single month. Your son is as safe as it gets. Especially for this ridiculous two day period, see if he can pair of with another kid so you aren’t 100% on the hook for childcare.
Anon says
+1 reinfection within 90 days is basically unheard of. He’ll be fully vaccinated before his natural immunity wanes. It would be a relief to me to know my kid was protected.
Anonymous says
I felt this way when he first got over it; now the benefits of his immunity seem very…intangible. We are podding with a classmate/friend of his, but I felt bad that her parents would loose money if they took off work to supervise (can’t work from home). So I have ended up doing most of it myself. I think they need the money and just felt guilty, which perhaps was misguided.
anon says
I find pods work best if they are flexible. If it’s not making your life easier, perhaps try a different classmate?
anon says
So much solidarity. Both my kids are currently having remote instruction (one synchronous, one asynchronous), along with 1/4 of their school despite there having been NO positive cases in the school thus far this year. Some of the policies schools are enacting are completely ridiculous and compromising our kids’ mental health and education.
Anon says
um, where do you live? this makes zero sense
anon says
Exactly. This is in Maryland. It’s insanity being perpetuated by our school’s interpretation of the district’s guidelines which are based on outdated information from the state. The parents are fighting it, but it’s a slow process.
Anon says
i had A LOT of rage at various points in the pandemic. My newest point of rage is being invited to a national conference that happens to be being held where i live this year with no vaccine or negative testing requirement and no masks. This is a conference of people who work in higher ed. I understand the world can’t stay shutdown forever – but really – why can’t you require proof of vaccination or proof of negative tests and masks. Many other conferences are doing this. i learned over the weekend that two families withdrew their kid from my kids’ preschool after they instituted a mask requirement for the 3 year olds. the school goes age 15 months through 5th grade, and always had a mask requirement for 4+ and they were strongly recommended for the 3 year olds (literally every other kid in the class was wearing them) but after a case on the first day with the 3 year olds they made them mandatory. i don’t understand – if masks are still required next year was this family going to switch their kids’ school? and also parents, i understand you are exhausted and want a break but do you need to go to Mexico? end rant.
anon says
We had an in person court hearing in a COVID hot spot with dozens of people where local counsel remarked “I am probably the only local in the courtroom who is vaccinated.” No masks. No distancing. Close together at counsel tables for hours on end. No virtual option. Mandatory if you are going to continue to represent your client. Completely infuriating.
Anonymous says
Lawyers are SO BAD with masking. I was in a room full of elected DAs recently, all allegedly fully vaxxed, and not one was wearing a mask. Have you not heard of breakthrough cases, people? And don’t you know that many of the people you run into in courtrooms are not vaxxed? Judges are the same. This is in all states. I know people always joke about going to law school because they are bad at math and science, but really.
Anon says
I’m very very frustrated with higher ed right now. So much denialism, so many bad takes. “It’s already endemic, everyone will get COVID anyway, so it doesn’t matter now.” “Vaccinated people are protected; unvaccinated people made their choice.” “It’s just a bad cold if you’ve been vaccinated.” High risk students (let alone faculty) have been an afterthought, and disabled students have had to fight extra hard for accommodations (why??). Courses that have been traditionally taught online for years now are being taught on campus for the first time because that’s how aggressive the in-person push has been.
Anonymous says
It’s all about the money. Higher ed just wants to grab its tuition and room and board money.
Anon says
This isn’t unique to higher ed at all. My experience has been that higher ed is overall more cautious than rest of the community. I’m in a red state and our public universities are still requiring masks indoors (can’t mandate the vaccine b/c of state law) and many private universities have both mask requirements and vaccine mandates. Very few other businesses in my state are taking these steps, so I just don’t understand singling out higher ed for ignoring the pandemic. We don’t go to the grocery store, Target, public library, etc., because masks aren’t required and many people don’t wear them, so I actually feel much safer on campus where masks are required. Masks are even required in our school’s gym – I’m pretty sure it’s the only gym in our county with a mask requirement.
I 1000% agree with you that high risk people (and kids!) are an afterthought for many people right now, but I just don’t see why this problem is specific to higher ed or worse there. My experience, based on working in higher ed and having many friends who work at other universities in other states, is that universities are taking more precautions than most businesses or state governments.
So Anon says
Solidarity. I am so frustrated when coworkers and others proclaim that things are better now and we are learning to live with it. Meanwhile, the working parents that I know are still in the midst of daily primal screams. Covid is raging in my highly vaxed community and all the schools are in outbreak status. I’m a single parent waiting for the other shoe to drop. One of my kiddos has an underlying health condition, so no, I am not ok. This is not ok. And no amount of bubble baths, deep breathing, or other self-care is going to fix the underlying systemic failure that has abandoned working parents over the last 18+ months.
Anonymous says
I have so much more rage now than I did in spring of 2020 or even a year ago. The attitude that “we’re done with the pandemic and giving up on avoiding infection, and you should too” is absolutely infuriating. Now I have to be the bad guy who says no to restaurant dinners with the in-laws, no to indoor sports competitions with large crowds of unmasked screaming parents, etc. etc. I also am the one who has to deal with the considerable fallout from a year of on-line “learning.”
I was selfishly hoping that the pandemic would result in a drastic remaking of social norms around spreading germs of all kinds, which would have had greatly improved my quality of life. Heading into the pandemic, I had bronchitis for eight months straight. I haven’t been sick since March of 2020 and it has been amazing. I was looking forward to people’s continuing to stay home when sick, mask on public transit and airplanes, etc. But this morning the receptionist and the dentist’s office had a cold and was unmasked, my SIL expects me to hold her baby who has RSV, etc. etc. Apparently we have learned nothing.
Anon says
i’m totally with you
SC says
Ha. Last night, my FIL texted DH and me to invite us to a professional football game at an indoor stadium. Attendees have to have had at least one dose of the vaccine or a negative Covid test within 72 hours, but that’s not enough for me to want to be an indoor stadium with 70K screaming fans. We declined, and he asked if it would help if we brought Kiddo with us. Umm… no. We’re declining because there’s still a pandemic, and attending an NFL game is not worth me missing work (I only get 6 sick days per year), Kiddo missing school, or any of us getting sick, even with a “mild” case.
Anonymous says
I’m the OP above and upon learning I was working from home last week, one of my childless coworkers said, “I wish I could stay home to supervise remote learning.” This did not help my rage problem. I wonder what he thinks it entails? I’m lucky my childless supervisor seems to get it.
Anon. says
Kudos to you for not unleashing right in his face then and there. You are a better person than me.
So Anon says
This feels to me like when I was younger and imagined parenting was only the snuggles and baking cookies. Reality is …. much different.
Realist says
I know this isn’t realistic, but you should have said “Great, let’s switch. Be at my house at 8am and I’ll be at your desk by 8:30am. I’ll relieve you at 8pm after the day of remote learning is done and the kids are in bed, but if you need to put in a few emails after bedtime to wrap up your workday, that is fine and I can be back at 10pm. Have fun!”
Anon says
Okay, had a recent c section and really not supposed to lift heavy things but DH has work travel starting back up and my 30 lb toddler is still in a crib. If it weren’t for the baby I’d just let her sleep with me for a handful of nights but I don’t want the baby disturbing her. Soooo… pull a stool up to the crib? I think my two and a half year old could climb in and out with help of that potentially? Any ideas?
Mary Moo Cow says
Is she ready to take the side off and have the toddler rail? My older daughter was 2 years and 3 months when our second was born, also a C-section, and we took that as a sign to lower the crib to the bottom rung, take the side off, and install the bed rail. YMMV, but you may occasionally be comfortable lifting her a few weeks out from the surgery, especially if you’re wearing post-C underwear that offers compression.
TheElms says
Does the crib convert to a toddler bed? If not can you get a toddler bed or put the mattress on the floor?
Anonymous says
Can you borrow a travel crib for a few weeks? Our Lotus has a zipper side that you could just unzip and let your kiddo crawl out of bed.
Anon says
Can you put the mattress on the floor for a week? Floor mattress is a simple solution.
NYC says
How recent was the c section? If it was more than a few weeks ago, you might be fine lifting your toddler into and out of the bed twice per day (check with your OB of course, but I definitely felt this way). You could try picking her up from a chair or something so you aren’t bending all the way down to the floor.
OP says
These were all helpful – thank you! May give mattress on the floor a go while he’s in town as a trial? I’m sort of worried this will be end of crib for her! I love the Lotus idea but our pack n play is a 4moms currently taken up my the baby!
C section was 9 days ago and his first work trip is next week so it feels soon. At the point where I’m a little further out can probably carefully fudge it but right now just trying to be really careful!
Anon says
Can he cancel the trip? I think “my wife is recovering from major surgery and cannot lift our toddler for the next few weeks” is sufficient.
Anon. says
This. My husband declined all work travel (at my request) post-C until lifting restrictions were lifted for exactly this reason. I was also not supposed to be driving during that time and didn’t feel great about him being out of town when I was that incapacitated.
I’d be super hesitant about using a stool – teaching your kid how to climb in and out of the crib solo probably also going to mean you’re done with the crib. Special floor mattress when daddy’s gone seems like the best option.
Anonymous says
The driving would worry me more than the lifting.
Anon says
You’d think so! This is actually my fourth kid (and fourth C) so I don’t know if that helps or hurts. He cut down on work travel before baby in case she came early so he’s having to travel more now.
But yes, I am annoyed with him because he’s quite senior so I think it sends a bad message. His work doesn’t really move forward without his travel though and she’s an easy baby. If she were tough, we’d have a real issue!
SC says
If he’s that senior, can you afford a night nanny, at least while he’s away?
NYCer says
Ah yes, I take back my advice about lifting given you’re only 9 days out. Hope one of the other solutions will work for you!!
anon says
My 22 month old is a hitter! In previous months, he had only hit us or his sister if he was obviously frustrated or provoked in some way but in the last few weeks he has started randomly hitting other kids at the playground. They’ll just be standing next to him, not bothering him at all, and he just reaches out and hits them or even attempts to kick them. In the moment, we respond by saying, no, we don’t hit others or something along those lines and then apologize to the child (he’s not verbal enough to apologize but he understands). What else should we be doing? I thought he’d grow out of it but it seems to be getting worse.
Anon says
try the book hands are not for hitting. whenever he hits someone you repeat “it is ok to feel mad/sad/like hitting, it is not ok to hit people, lets go find something else you can hit” and then let him hit a swing if he wants to
anon says
This would have been too many words for my 22 month old, especially if they were already mad.
Anon says
I had one like this. Randomly hitting other kids is often a sign of stress and indicates that the kid is not doing well with the social environment. Our solution was to bow out of play dates for a while, or for us to shadow him closely when around other kids to prevent the hitting. It stinks, but it does pass.
Anonymous says
This, you need to be ON your kid until it passes, like literally at arms length and grab their hand when they’re about to hit. It doesn’t take long to sink in. Also teaching “gentle touches” and praising them like they won the super bowl. My 26 months still winds up for a hit when he’s mad and we prevent them, but you can tell he’s trying to stop himself. He’s also a biter so that’s fun.
Love not war says
You say we don’t hit, don’t let him hit again in that moment, and say “time to go, you hit and we are done playing. We will try again another day.” And then get him out of there. After a few times, he’ll learn. And then he is welcome to have a blast at the playground.
Anonymous says
What is the stool that people like for kids to “help” in the kitchen that has a back? DD is only 1 and would likely tumble off a stool with no rails, but would love to “help” or at least see what’s going on in the kitchen.
Anonymous says
Learning tower?
Anon says
This one has been great since our LO was a year old: https://www.wayfair.com/baby-kids/pdp/guidecraft-kitchen-helper-w002498869.html (get the option with vertical rails instead of cute shapes on the side because the shapes can be used as toeholds for attempting to climb out).
NYC Girl says
I got one on Etsy. There are a ton of styles/sellers!
anon says
I use the Martha Stewart Guidecraft Kitchen Helper
First Covid Test says
Kiddo came down with a cold, so we’re taking her for her first covid test today. Last cold the pediatrician was comfortable ruling out covid, but now kiddo has a temperature and fatique so while he thinks it is probably not, still need to get her tested. Here’s hoping it’s negative and off to cancel everything through Friday at least (and hope we get results back on Friday). Going to do it at the pediatrician’s office; I did not realize that Walgreens and CVS make you swab your own kid! I can barely get her to let me take her temperature, but she’s usually very agreeable for her doctor! Wish us luck!
Anon says
The swab you own kid tests have actually been easier for us than the ped tests. It’s a lot less invasive. The rapid tests at Walgreens come back in about 30 minutes. Good luck and hope for negative results! I’m getting tested today too since I ran a low grade fever last night with the daycare cold I have.
Anon says
Also a plug for having at-home rapid tests around, so you can swab yourself without going to Walgreens!
Anon says
Yep I did one last night and it was fortunately negative, but I’m getting the molecular test to confirm.
First Covid Test says
Since she is having cold symptoms, they said even if it was a negative rapid they will still want to do a PCR, so we are just jumping straight to the PCR.
Anon says
That’s kind of silly because the antigen tests are more accurate in symptomatic people than asymptomatic. But I understand following your doctor’s advice.
Anonymous says
It’s not silly. Antigen tests are more accurate in symptomatic than asymptomatic, but still not as accurate as a PCR. Seems like it makes sense to do both at once or only do the PCR, especially since kiddo is probably home from care anyway because of the fever, so knowing a day earlier is probably not going to change what action anyone takes here.
Anon says
I promise a cookie bribe after a Covid test and usually bring it with me so my 3 year old can see it. This has helped a lot!
anonM says
Funny one for you all. My younger in-law siblings (childfree) siblings often complain to DH and I about how tired they are (!!!) but this one took the cake. One quit their job and complained about how hard of a time she’s having getting up before 11am. lololol. My hubs and I just had to laugh. To be fair, they know they aren’t ready for kids yet so hey, they get to enjoy the perks of childfree life!
And? says
I mean, everyone is different. Maybe they have medical issues (mental or physical) that exacerbate fatigue. Maybe they are low energy (like Jeb Bush, hah). I wake up at 4am every day, but I don’t shame people who “sleep in” till 7 or whatever. Different strokes for diff folks, especially in different seasons of life.
Anon says
+1. Plus I hate the idea that mommyhood inherently means you’ll never sleep again. I can probably count on one hand the number of days I’ve woken up for the day before 8 am since becoming a mom almost 4 years ago. I’ve been a night owl my whole life and the idea that moms have to get up early was honestly one of the reasons I almost didn’t have a child, so I hate when people imply that having kids means never sleeping again.
Anon4this says
Does your partner do mornings? Most kids don’t magically sleep in until 8am. Also, even if your kids are late sleepers, once they are school age you or your partner will likely need to be up before 8am to get them dressed, fed, and on the bus / to school somehow. My kid will sleep in until 8:30am-9am but I’m still up weekdays at 7:15am or so to get myself ready before getting my kid up and ready for a 9am school start.
Anon says
My kid sleeps until 8 am regularly. Husband gets her ready while I get myself ready and I drop her at school (daycare) 20 minutes away by 9 am with no problems. Elementary school is an earlier start, but also a lot closer to home so I’m hopeful we can keep a similar schedule. I know there’s luck involved, but I also think genetics is a huge factor in this. I know a lot of high sleep needs parents who have high sleep needs kids. If you breed with a low sleep needs person and kids’ inherit his genes, then he can do early wakeups or late bedtimes without either of you suffering:)
I’m not suggesting every kid magically sleeps until a particular time, but I find the extreme fear-mongering “YOU WILL NEVERRRRRRRR EVERRRRRR SLEEP AGAIN!” around parenthood really off-putting so I always appreciate when people share anecdotes the other way.
Anonymous says
+1 she could be depressed. And yeh my 2yo and 4.5yo almost always sleep through the night. I’m generally not tired. Sometimes emotionally worn out, but not physically tired or sleep deprived.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
+1 million to this. I also don’t think OP meant it in this way, but I do really dislike the “parents are always more tired/allowed to be tired” than others. Life, especially right now, is heavy for most people living in the world, so I’m all for people resting when they can in our productivity focused world.
anon says
I get the jealousy, but as a poor sleeper even before kids I know parents do not have the market cornered on exhaustion!
Anon says
We have a night-owl kid and are night owls ourselves! Kiddo sleeps until 10 regularly on weekends and gets up at 8 or 8:30 during the week. Preschool thankfully is at 9 and 10 minutes away, so it works for us. But it is super rare for anyone to be asleep before 10PM on weeknights or midnight on a weekend.
anonM says
I clearly need to take a break from this site. Sheeshhh literally said it was just funny. I didn’t yell at the gal or anything. But ya’ll. I’m not a mean or acting like no one else gets to be tired for finding it funny that someone is complaining about being tired/not having to get up before 11am every day — to two people with two toddlers and work full time — when you literally are not working, have no kids, etc. I’ll also add that it wasn’t “oh boy I have insomnia” or anything.
Go complain to your other friends on this one, and read the room. On that note, won’t be checking this site for a while now, yikes!
anon says
Can I get a sense of what people are doing for allowance these days (how much and what it’s used for)? Context: kids are 8, 10 and 12, and 12 year old definitely needs spending money now that people are in person. I think we were just coasting the past year and a half.
Meg says
My 12 year old gets $10 a week. Sometimes he puts half of it into his savings, but not always. It is used for most of his food when he’s out with friends in the neighborhood (candy, lunch sometimes, fro-yo, that sort of thing) and saves up for any “toys” (magic cards currently) or games/extras on the PS4. 9 year old gets $5 a week, similar uses to older brother but he probably spends less of it currently. We just upped the 12 year old to $10 on his last birthday. Basically allowance spending = things I resent spending money for but aren’t forbidden or bad. If they want to spend money on Pokémon cards that I just KNOW will be thrown away in 3 months so be it. Their decision.
anon says
Unconventional, but might be worth considering. https://www.mrmoneymustache.com/2015/05/20/what-im-teaching-my-son-about-money/
So Anon says
I do half of my kids age, with 1/3 going into spend, 1/3 going to save (must stay in save account for at least 2 weeks) and 1/3 to give (they get to pick the org). I keep track on an excel spreadsheet.
Mary Moo Cow says
I do $0.50 a week for my 6 year old. I plan to raise it $.50 each year on her birthday for a few years, and then probably a jump when she’s 10 or so. Her allowance is for saving up for toys she wants and junk (loosely defined by me as little and cheap plastic toys, lip balms, replacements for stuff I’ve bought that she’s lost, etc.) For example, I don’t mind buying an OG doll outfit every now and again, but I’ve just bought one, she has to buy the next one. Allowance gets pooled with birthday money. Allowance in my family was always for spending money/fun money and that’s what I plan to pass on to my kids.
I don’t tie allowance to chores, but I will give her extra jobs for extra money and I pay terribly. $.50 for swiffering the floor or cleaning the glass door.
avocado says
We did $5/week in elementary school and $10/week in middle school, all in cash. I paid for “needs” (clothes, school supplies, sports equipment, books) and family outings/entertainment, and kid paid for “extras” (graphic novels, craft supplies, gum and candy beyond the little I kept in the pantry, video games, toys, makeup, outings with friends, souvenirs, etc.). We did not force her to save or donate any particular amount, but if she wanted to donate to some charity drive at school or whatever we’d match her contributions. We let her make her own choices and learn from her mistakes. I think she learned much more about prioritization and saving from deciding on her own to save up for large items of her own choosing than she would have from being forced to save a certain percentage of her allowance just for the sake of saving.
Anonymous says
We’ve been doing $1/year, of which $1 needs to go to charity, $1 into savings (for stuff he wants though, not college), and $1 can be spent right away. In hindsight this is probably kind of high (he’s 9 now so getting $9/week) and we also should rebalance the charity portion. The “save” portion is also kind of pointless as he saves up anyway. He has to use it for toys/videogames etc he wants to buy, souvenirs when traveling, and sometimes for gifts for family members. We’re a little inconsistent about gifts frankly. Our goal was for him to learn how to manage money and we started it when he started to look at the tooth fairy as an important income source – maybe age 5 or so?
Anon says
Kids are almost-9 and almost-7. Our system is a little complicated typed out, but simple in practice.
They have daily chores that they do as part of the family (set the table, feed the dog, put away laundry, etc). If they get those done then there is “Work for Hire” where they can do extra jobs to get spending/ fun money. So it might be something like “Help mom clean the basement $2” or “Clean the microwave $1” or “Dust baseboards $1 per room”. That is the money they use for fun things like extra toys/ games, buying yet another poppit, little craft sets, etc. Theoretically it’s teaching them that money takes effort to obtain, that not every junk toy is worth it, and it’s helping me get those extra household chores done that I would normally spend all Saturday morning doing.
When they get birthday money, we have them put half in savings and the other half gets added to their spending money. We do lots of volunteering and giving as a family so we don’t force them to contribute money, only time.
Anon says
Mine is younger and doesn’t get an allowance yet, but I read something somewhere about giving kids a separate “philanthropy allowance” for them to donate to charities of their choice and I really love that idea and plan to do it. My parents taught me a lot of good lessons around money, but I wish they’d emphasized charitable giving more.
I don’t like the idea of requiring kids to save $X amount, because I think part of an allowance is teaching budgeting and having them realize that if they don’t save then there will come a time when they can’t buy something they want. I remember crying in some store when I was 8 or so because I didn’t have enough “savings” to buy what I wanted and I think that’s an important lesson that can’t be learned if they always have a sizeable balance in their account.
Anonymous says
Has anyone worked with a child psychologist for potty training? My almost 4 year old is still unable to release anything on the potty and everyone (us, daycare teachers, pediatrician) thinks it’s a psychological issue not a physical one. She can hold her pee for a long time and release on demand, but only into a diaper. She’s not constipated. I don’t think it’s an issue of motivation either, we’ve tried every reward and chart system imaginable and she’s telling us she wants to be potty-trained and wear underwear. She knows pee and poop is supposed to go in the potty and cries when she soils her underwear. She just can’t seem to ever relax enough on the potty to produce anything. She’s a cautious, timid kid in general (e.g., she’s scared of water and the big twisty slides on the playground) but other than this issue I don’t think her fears are anything that’s out of the normal range.
Anonymous says
Haven’t used a psych but what worked for my super reluctant kid was learning on the potty vs the big toilet, being allowed to wear a pull up on the potty until she got used to peeing while sitting. So keep pull up and pants on, she just sits on potty while peeing, after a week or so of that, move up to sitting on potty with pants down but pull up on etc. A week or two of that then have her take the pull up down once a day, then twice a day. Then move to toilet once she’s regularly peeing in the potty for a week. Basically take it slow – get her to just pee in her pull up in the bathroom standing up, then move up to sitting on the potty with pants and pull up on if that’s what it takes. I would sing a specific song while she was peeing to develop an association. Even at age 9, she will occasionally ask me to sing the pee pee song or she will sing it to herself quietly in situations where she is nervous like a new loud public washroom. HTH.
Anonymous says
Thanks, we tried that method and didn’t make progress with it. We’re just using a potty chair for now, which she says is less scary than a toilet (she won’t even sit on the toilet, so we’re not worrying about that for now).
Anon says
We saw a behavioral psychologist for my son with a BM issue. Honestly, for us, it wasn’t helpful. He was very focused on a reward chart, and that is the worst option for my perfectionist son. I also wanted more focus on him as a whole child, but the psychologist was laser focused on the bathroom issue.
Potty training my son was a nightmare lasting well after he started school. What ended up being the revelation for us was that he was diagnosed with ADHD and started taking medication. The first day of meds, the entire, multi-year struggle was done and he never had another accident.
So, I think it’s a good idea, but I also think that looking at him as a whole child when we went to the psychologist when he was 5/6 would have got us a solution a lot sooner than it came (his ADHD wasn’t diagnosed until 9 because other things were masking it). I’d recommend going into it with the thought that it could be a broader issue.
Anonymous says
Thanks, yes we’re definitely keeping in mind that it could be a broader issue. I’ve wondered about ASD in the past given the intensity of her meltdowns, as well as the fact she has so many fears. But her daycare teachers and ped all say they aren’t seeing anything else about her behavior that would be a red flag, and we do seem to be turning a corner on the meltdown front as she approaches 4.
More Sleep Would Be Nice says
Anyone else have a baby who is a puker? Took DS #2 to the Ped GI, and the GI said that he has infantile regurgitation aka, just pukes, isn’t in pain, etc. Babies usually grow out of this at a year, and we have to keep 1.5-2 hours between feeds (bottle and solids) ideally. Curious if anyone else went through this and what the experience was.
Anonymous says
How old? Mine is a twin, and a foster so I don’t have medical history. Puking started immediately upon leaving NICU at 40 weeks. He was given Similac, same as he had in the NICU. He seems to be allergic to cow milk or at least milk protein. He did marginally better on goat milk formula but resumed puking within weeks. His was not happy puking either: he would scream and arch and it came out his nose. I felt SO bad for him but ped was all shrug. I kept at it and she prescribed him Similac Alimentum at four months. It’s made a huge difference: he’s seven months now.. All that to say if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, but you’re his mom and you know when something isn’t quite right (even if he’s gaining weight, which mine was, “seems fine otherwise”, etc).
OP says
9 months now, and he’s definitely not in pain, it’s almost like he’s…overfull and feels pressure.
Actually was on Alimentum, and now got the go-ahead to introduce dairy and switch to a dairy-based formula and he’s LOVING it. The reason we went to GI was his slower weight gain, but in the week we’ve given him the other formula and loaded his solids with ghee, yogurt, and butter he’s gained 1/2 a pound!
Anon says
Ugh, yes. I’ve had a kid with that…doctor referred to them as a ‘happy spitter’. It got noticably better around 6 months, was totally gone by a year. Kid absolutely had to be burped or there was no hope. We did all the normal things, but the biggest thing we did was just have a lot of bibs on hand and change those often.
Anonymous says
Is this different from reflux spitting up? Our son had reflux and, due to some related health problems, took medication for it for a while. I think we weaned him off of it somewhere around 9-12 months? Ironically, I didn’t see any reason to buy burp clothes while pregnant–I thought we could just use our copious supply of kitchen towels or rags. So basically it is my fault. There was so much spit up, all the time.
OP says
Yes, different than reflux because there’s no pain/inflammation happening. Ugh, I feel you on the spit up all this time. Not sure why it’s your fault, though ;)