CorporetteMoms

84 Comments · by

Washable Wednesday: Straight Leg Ponte Pants

Machine-Washable Work Clothes· Recent Recs· Sales

A woman wearing a Straight Leg Ponte PantsThe Nordstrom Clearance Sale has started, and there are some great pieces. This morning’s washable find: these highly rated ponte pants from Eileen Fisher. The bad news here is that there are very limited sizes, unless you’re a petite — but there’s a highly rated pencil skirt and slim pants, both machine washable as well. The pictured pants are $208 (not part of the sale, alas), but the pencil skirt is 40% off and the slimmer pants are 50% off. Eileen Fisher Straight Leg Ponte Pants I’ll be doing a roundup for general workwear picks on Corporette later today — but note that Nordstrom clearance sales are a great time to stock up on shoes for the littles. (I think this sale was historically focused on the men’s sale — and indeed they have a TON of men’s stuff 50% off and higher.) (L-all)

This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.

Sales of Note…

(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)

Kid/Family Sales

  • J.Crew – 25-40% off kids’ styles; extra 50% off select sale
  • Lands’ End – Up to 40% off your order
  • Hanna Andersson – 30% off all kids’ & baby clothing; PJs on sale from $25; up to 75% off clearance
  • Carter’s – Rule the School Sale: Up to 50% off; up to 40% off baby essentials
  • Old Navy – 50% off back-to-school styles; 30% off your order, even clearance
  • Target – Backpacks from $7.99; toddler & kids’ uniforms on sale from $5
  • Pottery Barn Baby – Summer sale: up to 50% off
  • Nordstrom – Limited time sales on brands like Maxi-Cosi and Bugaboo.
  • Strolleria – Free infant seat car adapter with any Thule stroller; 30% off all Peg-Perego gear in our exclusive Incanto Collection

See some of our latest articles on CorporetteMoms:

Click here to see our top posts!

And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!

Comments

  1. 35 and looking like it :) says

    I’d love to start a thread on how you maintain a skin/beauty regimen while either pregnant and/or nursing. I have had two children within 2 years apart. Pre-kids, I was on a skin regimen of antioxidants, Retin-A, Vitamin C, etc. and noticed a definite improvement in my skin. However, given that so many of these products are not recommended for pregnant/nursing women, I gave it all up.

    Fast forward 4 years later. My skin looks tired and a bit worn. I now have a newborn and will likely nurse for at least the next year, if not longer, so I still can’t use many of these products. What skin/beauty products do you use that ARE safe to use during pregnancy/nursing?

    I would also be interested in what folks are doing to maintain their appearance aside from just skin related stuff — pedicures, teeth whitening, etc.?

    • NewMomAnon says

      Most mornings I shower for at least 1 minute. I try to brush my teeth twice a day; most days I floss. Some days I use mouthwash (to be honest, I own a bottle of mouthwash and often intend to use it, but usually don’t). I separate clean and dirty clothes in different piles on the floor, so I consistently wear clean clothes to work (well, clean until my kiddo wipes peanut butter/snot/diaper cream/yogurt on them). I generally wear blush, eye liner and eye shadow to work, usually on both cheeks and both eyes. When I notice that I’ve hit only one eye, I remove that makeup as soon as I can with the mostly dried out pack of wipes I keep in my office. I like to keep my toenails painted because it disguises my poor self-pedicures.

      But in all seriousness….I wash my face with Cetaphil gentle cleanser in the morning and apply a face moisturizer with sunscreen (Say Yes to Carrots because it was on the end cap as I was running through Target one day; I like it well enough to keep using the bottle I have). If my daughter hasn’t removed my makeup by the end of the day, I use a makeup remover wipe. I get regular haircuts every 6 weeks, and massages every couple months. I drink lots of water and eat a wide variety of veggies, fruits and whole grains. Other than that, I do nothing. I look the age I am and that is ok.

        • noob says

          Isn’t the pack n’ play for clean clothes now that baby has been in her room for two months? I am quite pleased that I’m getting more use out of it as a clean laundry hamper!

          • pockets says

            this is a great idea, especially the because the pack-n-play has sides over which you can drape the more delicate clothing you feel bad leaving in a pile on the floor.

      • K. says

        I should mention first that I’m kind of into all-natural beauty stuff too, but it was hard to give up Retinol-A for my acne during pregnancy and now while nursing. But, here goes:

        I use olive oil to wash my face. Just rinse my face w/ warm water, then rub in a bit of olive oil and then wipe off with a wash cloth and rinse again. There is NO oily film–I promise–and skin is soft and my greasy skin has actually improved. Then, in the evening, I use some witch hazel as an astringent.

        I also make my own acne stuff using 10% sulfur (just powdered supplement I bought online) with my left over belly butter cream. During pregnancy I bought this expensive stuff made for acne. that is essentially the same thing. It works really well at cutting down breakouts.

        I use mineral makeups, which I love. Usually foundation, blush, eyeliner, and mascara.

        My hair hasn’t been cut for over eight months too. Eeek. I’d like that to change, but my hair is generally pretty forgiving.

        No nail polish–particularly since it is winter. And I do need to whiten my teeth soon.

    • Yes! says

      GREAT question. I have had 3 kids and nursed each for a year, plus was TTC for several years in between. So basically, I haven’t used Retin-A or any of those stronger skin products in 8 years or so. No advice on what products to use while nursing, but here’s what I plan to do after I STOP nursing:

      1. Make an appt with a dermatologist and start using Retin-A, antioxidants, and other anti aging products
      2. Use Rogaine for hair loss
      3. Dye my hair more frequently
      4. Get Zoom whitening at the dentist’s office
      5. Personal trainer
      6. Donate all of my maternity/nursing clothes and get an updated wardrobe (make an appt with a Nordstrom stylist)

      Can’t wait :)

    • MSJ says

      I’ve been using pure argan oil which seems to be good enough. For the rest of your question, I’m probably pretty close to NewMomAnon :)
      – Shower daily (thank god) but wash hair 1-2x week. My hair is up 99% of the time due to babies pulling it. I also had a lot of hair loss although it was thick to begin with. I am overdue for a cut. Maybe will get highlights once I’m done nursing (thankfully no grays to cover up)
      – Nails are unpainted due to them frequently ending up in my teething children’s mouths
      – make up = clinique CC cream, swipe of eye shadow and maybe blush and/or mascara. I have lipstick in my purse and will sometimes apply at work
      – during pregnancy I washed my face with dr bronner unscented soap. Now (still nursing) usually steal my husband’s zirh face wash
      – moisturize with argan oil and use the clinique cc cream for some basic sun protection
      – apply weleda stretch cream oil in the unlikely scenario my loose stomach skin will ever regain elasticity

    • Maddie Ross says

      Someone on the main page recommended using pure hylauronic acid onyour face about a month ago and I’ve been doing that since – I truly love it. It increases your ability to retain moisture and it’s been a godsend the last month in the dry weather. Even while using regular olay moisturizer. I am not preg or nursing though right now, so I can’t speak 100% to safety. But from what I’ve read superficially, I think it’s ok and it’s something your skin makes anyway.

    • Meg Murry says

      My routine is pretty similar to New Mom Anons – and I just gave serious thought to noob’s pack and play suggestion as a laundry hamper (and my youngest is 3, so I’d need to dig it out of the basement.)

      But not to sound all hippie earth crunchy momma, but the best thing I did for my skin as a new mom was that after I pumped I wiped the parts with a clean paper towel – and then I used that b-milk soaked towel to wipe my face. Honestly, best moisturizer I’ve used in a long time – and its free. Yes, a bit hippy-dippy, but if Sephora can charge $65 for goats milk cream moisturizer, is there really much of a difference?

    • Yes! says

      I have always been someone who has prided myself on looking nice and put together (ingrained from my mom, who can run a marathon and still look flawless!). My routine has honestly not changed much since having kids. I still shower daily, wear the same makeup (takes 3 minutes tops), scrunch gel into my hair and let air dry, and make sure that I wear clothes that are tailored and flattering.

      After I had my first child and lost most of the baby weight, I signed up for an appt with a Nordstrom personal stylist and bought some cute clothes I normally wouldn’t consider.

      I try to get my haircut every 3 months, get a facial/wax every few months, and color my hair monthly. I walk a few miles every day to and from work and try get to the gym at least twice a week.

      I don’t feel that my routine is particularly high maintenance, but it works well for me and I get compliments all the time that I’m a hot mamma.

  2. EB0220 says

    Could those of you with infants in daycare please share your daily routine with me? Mine is not working. Right now, I come home, eat dinner (husband works from home and usually cooks), clean up a little, play with kids, put kids to bed. I am usually done with bedtime by 9:30 (baby won’t fall asleep before then no matter what I do). Then, I have to load the day’s bottles and pump parts, and any other dishes, in the dishwasher. By the time I’m done with that, I just want to sit down and relax for a bit. I guess I should do the next day’s bottle prep and pump part rounding up the night before. I already have two sets of everything, so it’s not like I’m having to dry things. Thoughts?

    • JJ says

      That was similar to our routine with an infant in day care. We would get home, let the kids eat dinner and play, bath time and then bed time. My baby always wanted to be asleep by 7:30 at the latest, though. Then husband and I would eat dinner and watch TV while one person did the dishes and bottles/pump parts. We would make all the bottles at night so we just had to grab them in the morning. I also would make sure I had clean pump parts packed away for work each night.

      If your baby is staying up until 9:30, could you wash bottles while he’s/she’s awake?

      • EB0220 says

        I wash the bottles before bedtime occasionally (when I have time), and that does help. I also have a 3 year old, and her bedtime routine starts around 7:30. I do bath and pajamas and then DH takes over while I put baby to sleep. I’m still nursing, so I like to nurse her to sleep when I’m home.

    • Anonymous says

      Spend a few bucks and buy 3 more sets of pump parts so you only pack them up 1X/week. If money is an issue or you just feel guilty about the plastic, check consignment sales or ebay for extra parts. If you have a medela pump and your kid will take the medela nipples, just pump into the medela bottles to eliminate the separate bottle prep step. If you are using doc browns million-part bottles without a good reason, stop.

      • EB0220 says

        I definitely don’t use Dr Brown’s, for the reasons you mentioned. Way too many parts. I may get some extra pump parts, though…just bring them to work in a bag on Monday so that’s one less thing to remember.

    • POSITA says

      My husband always washed pump parts while I did bath and bedtime. He usually washed pump parts and bottles by hand in the bathroom sink while we did bath time. (No one ever used that bathroom except for the baby’s bath so the sink was devoted to bottle washing.) That way he could be part of the fun while still accomplishing a chore. Baby took milk out of the Medela bottles I pumped into so we didn’t have any bottle prep. Clean pump parts were packed off the drying spot to make room while the dirty ones soaked for a moment in the hot water.

  3. Favorite pumping friendly blouses says

    Anyone have favorite pumping friendly, machine washable shirts that work well on their own or with a suit? I’ve been sticking with the same 4-5 wrap and stretch cowl neck dresses but would like to be able to wear my suit again when needed. I never liked button downs much and now that I actually have a bust are even more problematic. I feel like I need 1-2 workhorses
    Thanks!

  4. fatigue says

    Hi all,

    I have two young kiddos, and the younger is going through a massive sleep regression. It’s bad – I’m only sleeping one to one and half hours at a time. The fatigue is making me depressed, anxious and snappy. I know we need to work on the sleeping with him, but right now, I need some help functioning. I feel like I’m going to cry all the time, and everything is making me frustrated or sad. We have some other transition going on at home, and I just feel totally and completely depleted. Help?

    • RR says

      You need sleep. There’s no other silver bullet. Can you have a SO, family member, friend, hired help take a night shift so you can get one good night’s sleep? It will make a HUGE difference.

      • fatigue says

        One full night of sleep sounds like heaven wrapped in a soft fleece blanket. Unfortunately, SO is about to take on a big transition at work, and needs rest at night and isn’t really in a position to help. Also, the problem seems to be an attachment to nursing back to sleep, so I think if I left, all hell would break loose.

        ETA – we have no family in the area, and I hadn’t really thought about hired help. Other than, again, the nursing thing.

        • KJ says

          This was our problem exactly – Baby nursed to sleep and slept beautifully through the night until about 4 months when she started waking up and wanting to nurse every hour or two all night. We very gradually semi-night-weaned, and now she generally gets one feeding at 3:30 (at 10 months), which is do-able to me. I relied heavily on this advice from Troublesome Tots to do it: http://www.troublesometots.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-sleeping-through-the-night-part-3/

          • fatigue says

            So helpful – thank you!! Do you have any silver bullets for helping with getting LO to fall asleep on his/her own at the beginning of the night – I know that would help us? Our guy choose to totally reject the pacifier in connection with the regression, and I’m at a complete and loss as to how to soothe him. Unless he’s nursed completely to sleep, he screams bloody murder when placed in the crib at the beginning of the night.

          • pockets says

            My baby is a great sleeper and some nights she still screams bloody murder when we put her to bed. And she always screams when we put her down for naps. Even so, she’s generally asleep (or in sleep position and not crying) within 5 minutes. How long do you let him cry?

          • KJ says

            I worked on this by slowly separating nursing and sleep. So, I would nurse her to sleep and then wake her up a little to put her in her sleep sack and then to bed. Then I would put her in her sleep sack and sing a little song and then to bed. Now we do nurse, sleep sack (turn on white noise at this time), two books, two songs (turn off light at this time), then to bed. Most nights she goes down without fussing, some night she cries for 5-10 minutes and then falls asleep.

          • fatigue says

            Thanks to both – my guy’s crying definitely escalates to screaming if left to “fuss.” KJ – when you first started to separate the association, what, if anything did you do to help ease fussiness? Rock? Pick up/put down?

          • KJ says

            My goal was to have her at least semi-awake when I put her down in the crib, so I would hold/bounce while singing songs, and then put her down. Sometimes I would rub her back while she laid in the crib. If she cried I would wait a few minutes and then go pick her up or try rubbing her back again, but honestly I found that going back in usually just got her more riled up, and it was better to let her cry. I think the longest she ever cried at bedtime was 20 minutes, which felt excruciating, but I think it was the right thing to do.

        • MomAnon4This says

          Yeah, the nursing thing is the problem – and is part of why your husband needs to answer the kid’s call in the middle of the night. The kid will know he’s not gettin’ any milk from Dad.

          All you need is 6 good hours. Take a pill, do it on a Friday night, or go to a hotel. I feel for you.

    • KJ says

      I went through this when my LO was about 6 months, and I could not stop crying. I know how awful it is. And my house is tiny, so even if my husband got up with the baby, I was still awake and hearing everything. At one point my husband insisted that I take an afternoon off to nap, and we implemented sleep training. It took a while and things still aren’t perfect, but they are much, much better.

      Can you take a day or half a day off to go home and nap? Can you nap in a car? Around here there are massage places that let you book a room for a nap. Or maybe a hotel room? There is just no substitute for sleep.

      • fatigue says

        yes, with the crying all the time. I can’t stop. Everything is making me sad, and I’m alone with the two kiddos a lot. Husband doesn’t really get home until bathtime for the older one, and with the transition, there have been a lot of weeknights where he isn’t home until after bedtime. I don’t think he really appreciates how bad I’m feeling, though, as he’s got a lot on his plate right now.

        Maybe I’ll look into a weekend sitter, but yeah, it’s hard when we are all crammed into the house together.

        • KJ says

          My husband didn’t get it until one morning when I was weeping into my cereal bowl and said, “I’m in a canyon of despair.” Big hugs. I know how hard this is.

        • PEN says

          Everything will look different with some sleep. Even one day/night of catch up will make a huge difference. If you can, take a day off from work and sleep. Even a half day.

        • noob says

          Does the baby take a bottle? It’s a pricey solution, but what about a night nurse for baby and a hotel for you, assuming you can go a reasonable stretch without pumping or nursing?

          • Newly pregnant says

            If you can afford it, I would do this. I haven’t lived through this yet but from the parenting books I’ve been reading, one of the things that stood out to me related to sleep training/soothing is that in the middle of the night it was better to have Not Mom be the person who went in to soothe the child. The baby associates you with milk and will want that from you, but wouldn’t do the same with anyone else (assuming he’s not actually hungry and just nursing for comfort). So in an ideal world the person doing the middle of the night checkups would be your husband. Since your husband can’t do that right now, a third party might be the best option.

        • fatigue says

          Thank you all for the commiseration. It really helps to know others have gone through this and survived. SO’s preoccupation is completely understandable, but it’s also not helping and making me feel very alone in all of this.

          • FVNC says

            I don’t have any other advice to add to the great answers above, but just wanted to say: you’re really not alone. My husband and I were in a similar situation during most of my baby’s first year — his job was so incredibly (and necessarily) demanding that almost all childcare was left to me — and I very often felt alone, overwhelmed, exhausted and depressed. It truly will get better once baby is a little older, sleeping more, and you begin to feel like yourself again. Big hugs to you!

          • ANP says

            You’ve gotten a lot of good advice here, but IMHO the best is to take a day/afternoon off work and SLEEP. I’ve been where you are and even a 3-hour nap makes everything look different. Hang in there!

      • Meg Murry says

        Do you have any vacation or sick days? I’m so tired I can’t stop crying is definitely a reason for a sick day to stay home and sleep in my book. Send baby to daycare and go back to bed.

        Also, if you can make it to the weekend – plan to spend a day in bed. Pull baby into bed with you, load up a tablet or laptop with videos for the older one, and just hibernate for a day or two. Or hire a weekend sitter for the older one. Do you have a safe, contained place for baby to play? In my deepest exhaustion, I left baby play awake in his crib while I napped on the floor next to it – he was fine in the crib for 30-45 min as long as he had his binky and could see me.

  5. New DC Mom says

    Ladies, I feel so alone. I have a 6-month old and finally feel like I have a handle on things, but still feel lonely. Issue 1 -DH is a great father, but works a biglaw litigator schedule and likes to relax by occasionally hanging out with friends, away from home about once a week. I can’t help but feel like I am being betrayed or taken advantage of when he wants to hang out with friends/play video games, because I still have to be in charge of the baby. I don’t really want time away from the baby, I just want DH to be in charge sometimes. Is that even possible? (It is just us – no family nearby)
    Issue 2- I am lonely because I think no one loves the baby the way I do and no one works as hard as I do for her. I also dont have any friends with kids. Are these toxic feelings? They are really bumming me out.

    • NewMomAnon says

      *hugs* Those are signs of really profound sadness and isolation. I wish I was in DC to take you out to coffee.

      I understand feeling lonely with a baby. It gets better as the baby gets older and more fun to be around, but at 6 months they are still really needy. Is the baby in daycare? If not, can you arrange for daycare a few days or nights a week? It really helped me get over the “nobody loves my baby like I do” feelings to watch her bond with her daycare providers. It was hard to let go of some of the control, but has done wonders for my sense of feeling supported as a mom.

      Also, can you join a mommy and me class where you might meet some moms with babies of similar ages? And maybe arrange for dad to take the baby one afternoon each weekend? I would get out of the house while he has the baby – he will do things differently than you do, and he needs the space to figure out his relationship with the baby without your input (unless he asks for your input, in which case give it). So hard, and such a big transition, but so necessary.

    • CPA Lady says

      Yes, they probably are toxic feelings, but I think they are completely normal, and are probably why having kids damages so many people’s marriages. I certainly have similar feelings, though I try to not dwell on them, since it is not in any way helpful. I’ve also tried talking to my husband, but I just don’t think he Gets It. One of my biggest fears about having a kid is that it would damage our marriage, so I consciously try very hard not to score-keep. It’s SO hard though. And I think the more kids you have, the harder it gets.

      My husband work a very weird schedule (nights, weekends), barely sees our daughter, and yet doesn’t go pick her up early from daycare the two days of the week he could, and also tries to put her to bed as early as possible on “his” nights. It makes me insane. Like, does he not LIKE her? And I get irrationally enraged when he asks me for help with anything having to do with the baby when he’s taking care of her when we’re both home. I’m at home alone with her ALL THE TIME and I do everything BY MYSELF, why does he need help? But it’s not like he’s ill-intentioned. He leaves her at daycare so he can take care of chores around the house, etc. We just prioritize differently. I think that’s partly biological. My life changed dramatically and completely when I had her, and I don’t think his did.

      As far as the loneliness thing goes, I think it is really important for both parents to have time away from the baby to spend with other adults. Personally, I think him going out once a week is pretty frequent, but y’all have to work that out for yourselves. Is part of the problem that you’re jealous he can do that without guilt? I feel slightly guilty about going and having fun with my own friends once in a while, but I am happy that my husband has that time alone with our daughter, and I always feel better about everything when I get that time for myself.

    • JJ says

      Someone mentioned feeling like you do in Issue 2 on the main board the other day, and people mentioned that is a symptom of PPD. Is there any chance that’s the case for you?

      As for Issue 1: ask your husband for time off. Just tell him that you’re going to be doing X on a Saturday (make X whatever you want: massage, pedicure, work out class, etc) and that he’ll be in charge of the baby. I know it’s so hard to take some time away from the baby – I felt the exact same way – but you need to. Even if you just tell your husband that you’re going to take a nap, take some time for yourself. Child care doesn’t have to be 50/50, but it needs to work for both partners and it sounds like it’s not working for you right now.

    • mascot says

      How did you relax before you had kids? Did you have a night out with friends? Time to exercise? Whatever it is, you need to protect that time for you. Leave baby with daddy or hire a sitter. It will do you a world of good to take care of you. Also, have you told your husband that you want time to do your own thing without the baby? I don’t think it is an “asking him to do you a favor” thing as much as a “this is my schedule and you need to cover this time.”

      A couple of things that I’ve learned: focus on quality time over quantity time with your child. I’m more engaged and fulfilled by quality time if I have had some me time and some spouse time. Also, kids love being with other kids. I felt bad for not picking my child up at 3 from school everyday. And then I realized that he loves after care because he gets a 2+hour playdate with a bunch of other kids. I can’t replicate that at home.

      • New DC Mom says

        Thank you so much for all of your responses – this is really helping me sort out my feelings.
        The baby goes to daycare two days a week and my day is a mess of going to the office/visiting daycare to nurse/pump at office if baby didn’t nurse… (I work from home 3 days week and nanny share on those days)
        I definitely need to get better about making more time for myself. One issue that comes up is that DH uses that as license to also get away. So, if I meet up with friends for an hour, DH feels justified in also taking time away. Part of me feels like that makes sense, but another part feels like it is so tit-for-tat and it feels slimy.

        • CPA Lady says

          I am not sure how to put this… but I think part of your frustration seems to be coming from the fact that you feel like you’re doing way more than he is. Which you are. But have you considered trying to level things out a little by trying to make your life easier than it is (i.e. not just trying to get him to do more, but trying to get you to do less)?

          Leaving work to nurse? That sounds very challenging to me and like it might make your life more complicated, leading to additional frustration and resentment.

          Heck, half the reason we mostly formula feed our daughter is because I knew I would turn into a psychotic harpy if I were not only in charge of 90% of the childcare (due to my husband’s job schedule) but also 100% of her sustenance.

          I’m not saying “formula feed your child”, I’m just saying figure out how to make yourself happier too. It is so easy to get into a cycle of resentment and so hard to get out once you’re there.

        • rakma says

          Can you eliminate the daycare visit to nurse? Spending those 2 days a week focusing only on work (with scheduled pumping breaks instead of the ‘will I/won’t I have to’ that comes from the visits) might eliminate a touch of the overwhelming feelings you seem to be expressing.

          Also, can you make some time for yourself where the nanny or daycare is ‘covering’, rather than DH? A morning exercise class, sitting in a coffee shop drinking an actually hot beverage, or a lunch with a friend mid day?

          I think when you’re a bf’ing working mama, it’s hard to avoid the feeling that no one else is working as hard as you are for the baby, because in a lot of ways, it’s true. But the solution to that isn’t working even harder, but trying to give up some of the unnecessary parts. DH wasn’t ‘in charge’ when I was home until after DD weaned, and he then took over bedtime. There were a lot of reasons for that, but the upshot of that was he needed a full task (not just can you help me do this, because he always felt he was doing it ‘wrong’) and he gets to make all of the day-to-day calls (can bathtime be 5 minutes late? does she need warmer pjs?) I do my part of the bedtime dance, and then I close the door and leave, and that’s the first real free time I’ve had with out leaving the house since she was born.

          This got really long, but I hope that it helps!

        • KJ says

          It sounds like he is already taking time away, though, right? Maybe it would help to think of it not as tit-for-tat, but is everyone getting what they need to feel ok? It sounds like you aren’t feeling OK, so what do you need? Is it more time to yourself? Is it for your H to be home more? Both? Do you just need him to acknowledge that you’re struggling? Think about it and have a talk with him.

          I struggle with feeling resentful sometimes because after my husband drops Baby off at daycare he comes home, works out, showers, and rolls into work in the late morning. Then he doesn’t come home until after the baby is in bed. I get mad because I can barely squeeze in a few workouts and showers a week, much less time to myself like that. Plus, he could be dropping the baby off later and spending extra time with her in the mornings or coming home earlier in the evening and he chooses not to. But I remind myself that working out is really important to my H – it’s what he needs to feel OK. And he is supportive when I want to take several hours to hang out with my friends a few times a month, which is what I need to feel OK. So even though the day-to-day isn’t exactly even, in the larger picture we are doing alright.

    • pockets says

      It’s not clear whether you work, but it seems like you don’t. I would try to make friends with moms of similarly-aged kids – either by going to a local class, going to the park, or accosting women with similarly sized babies on the street (not kidding about the last one).

      One thing that helped for me is that my husband has one night a week when he comes home early to relieve the nanny (usually it is me) and take care of the baby. Can you institute that? I know biglaw hours are tough but I would be very skeptical of anyone who told me this wasn’t a possibility. If it’s the same night every week then it’s usually much easier to set boundaries (i.e., every Tuesday I need to leave at 5 and will then be available at 8).

    • CHJ says

      I think finding some mom friends would be huge. I am normally very shy in groups, but I’ve forced myself to take DS to mommy-and-me classes on weekends and then be as friendly with other moms as I can possibly be. Most moms go to these classes hoping to make friends, too, so people are usually pretty open and responsive if you take the initiative to strike up a conversation.

      I also get resentful (rationally and irrationally) when I feel like I’m doing all the childcare. I love my son to bits, but of course it is irritating to see DH curled up on the couch with his iPad while I’m elbow deep in a bad diaper change! When I feel that way, I just directly ask DH to do whatever needs to be done at that moment. Changing the diaper, giving the bath, making breakfast, playing with DS… whatever it is, I just ask him to do it and walk away. I actually don’t take much time for myself, even though I know a lot of people swear by it, because I feel like I don’t get enough time with DS as it is. But just forcing the issue of shared responsibilities a little bit makes me feel a lot better.

    • LLC says

      Oh man. I definitely feel you on issue 1, and for me at least, it is toxic. I get so resentful that I have to do “everything.” And from a biological perspective, some of that is justified, but not all of it.

      I have found that the best way to get/keep my husband involved is to totally back off and let him do things his way. I am such a control freak that it’s hard to stand back, but he has bonded with our baby SO much better without me interfering constantly or giving unsolicited feedback. I second the suggestions to leave him in charge and do something for yourself. Once he is used to caring for the baby on his own, it will be easier to step in even when you are there. It also helps just to ASK for assistance. My sweet husband is happy to help, but he is not going to think of what I want on his own, even though I often think he should be able to do that!

      As for going out once a week or going out tit-for-tat, that would not fly for me. Things won’t always be this difficult and demanding, but while they are, I need my husband home to help!

      • JJ says

        I think one of the commenters on this site had some great advice once that was basically: don’t keep a mental balance sheet of everything that you do for the baby and everything that your husband does for the baby and get angry if it isn’t exactly 50/50. Just figure out what works for your family and go from there.

        It sounds like this isn’t working for you right now. Have you had an honest conversation with your husband about this? My DH and I would have “check in” conversations every few weeks after each kid was born, to make sure that our routines were working well for both us. It’s constantly evolving.

    • MomAnon4This says

      A new baby is such a big change to a life and to a marriage – counselors and therapists are used to seeing individuals and couples at these transition points. I highly suggest it. You seem really self-aware, but I think having an outside perspective at least would really help (speaking from experience…)

    • Momata says

      I’m reading issues 1 and 2 to both be stemming from feeling like you are putting in way more work on the baby/home front than your husband, and that he is carpe-ing that diem and having fun with his friends. I felt the exact. same. way. I think the imbalance is inevitable while the baby is still nursing. The mom has to get up for the night feedings; the mom has to pump; the mom has to stay home with baby or pump around going out; the mom has to nurse last thing before leaving for work and rush home from work to nurse again.

      I felt so much resentment towards my husband during this time – and he was truly doing everything he could (washing all the pump parts, taking over the cooking duties, getting up at night to change baby’s diaper to “wake her up” before she nursed). Sometimes in the middle of the night I felt such RAGE when I came back to bed to find him asleep. My husband is also much more social than I am and finds his stress release in being with our friends, so when I would usually want to collapse on the couch in a free and quiet moment, he would go out with friends (with my begrudging okay).

      It gets better. Now that our baby isn’t nursing anymore, he is always the first one up in the morning to get her milk, and he is much better at playing with her than I am (he’s just much more gregarious and creative). In the weeks after I weaned, I found myself realizing I needed to recalibrate my time spent with my daughter since he was doing almost everything – during the nursing days, whenever she wasn’t nursing, he was “on” and it was my time to do “my stuff.” I realized I wasn’t interacting with her in this new phase nearly as much and that he was doing almost everything.

      On weekends, I make a point of saying, “These are the things I want to do for me this weekend, let’s please coordinate so that you’re in charge of baby so I can go do these things.” It took a few weeks of insisting, but it’s starting to work out.

      This is all just to say that I had the same reaction to the natural state of things that you did; that it gets better; and that with time and some communication I think you can get to a better place. Good luck.

  6. PregAnon says

    I am so excited for this three day weekend. I am going to sleep for 3 days. Really. I’m 10 weeks tomorrow – just have to make a few more weeks to (hopefully!!) feel better!

  7. sfg says

    Just wanted to say, I am so grateful for both the honesty and the helpful, non-judgmental responses here. For those of you going through rough patches, I hope things smooth out soon.

  8. Anon for this says

    Hi mamas,

    Just need some confirmation from the hive that I’m not a monster. Have just spent the past half hour crying in my office, upon learning that our second child (expected this summer) is another boy. I had no idea this would be my reaction. I’ll admit to have been sorta/kinda hoping for a girl, but my 2 year old boy is the.best. and I know we’d be lucky to have another just like him. This is likely it for us so I’m just coming to terms with not being a mom to a girl, I guess. Much outweighing this disappointment is the good news that all other screening tests came back negative and baby is healthy. Anyway, any moms of boys who want to give me a pep talk, I’m all ears!

    • RR says

      You are not a monster. You are a pregnant woman. And, I think it’s normal to be sad as you come to terms with not having that “mom to a little girl” experience you thought you’d have. You’ll be a great mom to two little boys!

    • mascot says

      Not horrible. Your feelings are your feelings. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to be sad that this is the last child. We are one and done so I can relate to how hard it is to say this is it. I still occasionally get sad that my child won’t have a sibling and I imagine you’ll have fleeting moments thinking about a daughter.
      Good thing about another boy: you know all about raising boy babies (diaper changes are so much easier), you don’t need as many new clothes, teenage boys seem less complicated than teenage girls, etc.

      If this was the main c-site, I feel like someone would direct you to the Dear Sugar column about the ghost ship that didn’t carry us.

    • Katala says

      I think that’s completely normal, and one reason people choose not to find out the sex. You know you’ll love that baby to pieces once it’s here regardless of sex, but right now you’re mourning a possibility that won’t (or may not) come to pass. And the hormones! I say let yourself feel how you feel and just know it will pass and that mourning the loss of one thing does not mean less love/appreciation for another.

      • Lyssa says

        Sorry to jack the OP’s thread (and OP, I completely understand where you’re coming from and it’s something that I’ve worried about as well), but I’ve always wondered about the logic of not wanting to find out during pregnancy to avoid possible disappointment. I would look at it the opposite way – better to find out now, because the last thing that I would want is to be disappointed in the delivery room, or to be feeling let down about much of anything while I’m recovering and bonding with baby.

        I guess the logic is that once you see the little guy or girl, you’ll be so over the moon that you won’t think about it, but doesn’t that seem a little idealistic? I don’t think that I’d want to take the risk that I wouldn’t just get over it, and would rather give myself some time to accept and deal in case it’s not the news that I was hoping for.

        • PregAnon says

          Agree – OP, not a monster! No way! And Lyssa – I totally agree. You don’t want to have that discovery in the waiting room.

          This is not at all the same as boy/girl, I’m not saying it is, but I kind of feel this way about testing. I had a friend refuse every single test, because she was sure she was perfect and nothing could go wrong. Her second was born with Down’s – and it did not go well in the delivery room. Mom and daughter are totally good now, years later, and she is a great mom to a great kid, but I just know it would have been easier for her had she had time to prepare.

          Hopefully I don’t get in trouble for that sentiment.

          • Anon for this (OP) says

            OP again.

            You won’t get in trouble with me. :-) Re: your and Lyssa’s comments re finding out sex ahead of time, we didn’t find out the first time. We wanted to be surprised, and it was great. But now, with the toddler, it was a matter of pragmatism and being able to plan what to keep, what we needed, etc., etc. Honestly, I’m feeling so much better already.

          • Lyssa says

            I agree on the testing – that was my thinking on that as well (plus, I’d want some time to read some books, join a support group and meet some other families, that sort of thing).

        • Katala says

          I think it depends on personality/knowing yourself. I think I’d do better dealing with the disappointment early, and in the same vein planning for any issues that can be flagged with test results. But there are some people who would just worry the whole time about things they can’t do anything about – a problem or fear that they won’t be able to bond with a baby of the “disappointing” sex. I do thing a lot of ladies here fall into the former/planner category though.

      • Meg Murry says

        On the other hand – for anyone reading this and thinking about not finding out the sex: by finding out the sex, you are able to go through this “mourning” process for the little girl that will never be, and then hopefully move on to loving your son that will.

        To the OP – I didn’t find out my second was a boy until he was born, and I think that didn’t help my borderline PPD on bonding with him – I had such mixed emotions about being happy he was born, and sad at the same time I wasn’t ever going to have the little girl I had imagined him to be sometimes. Writing in a journal about those feelings, and mentally retiring the potential girls name we had (even if we have a girl in the future, I wouldn’t use that name now – its too connected to that imaginary girl from when I was pregnant) helped a little, as did crying. You will get past this, and soon be excited about the boy to come. And bonus – you can use all the same hand-me-down favorite boys items

        • Meg Murry says

          Sorry – I saw this has already been discussed above. Just add me to one more vote for finding out the sex when you can (we tried but couldn’t tell at the ultrasounds and weren’t willing to pay extra just for a sex determining ultrasound or medically unnecessary other tests)

    • CHJ says

      It’s totally normal to mourn the life you might have led, even while the life you are leading is great, too. If you want some cheering up once you’ve had a chance to cry, I’d highly recommend looking around at examples of two-boy households and the close bond between brothers. The blogs Cup of Jo and This Place is Now a Home jump to mind, just for starters. Having a brother is such a gift to a boy, too! We’re probably one-and-done, but sometimes I wish I could give DS a brother to grow up with — those are some special, special bonds to take through life.

      • JJ says

        Agreed. And as a mom to two boys who are 18 months apart (and we’re D.O.N.E. with kids now), I can vouch that it will get better and be great. But I also had a momentary “omg, two boys and no girls!!!” pregnancy cry.

        A Cup of Jo is a great place to see life with two boys. My oldest is 3 and the youngest is 18 months and they play together so well now. They’re inseparable. I could sit and watch them play together all day because it makes me so happy.

        • Anon for this (OP) says

          OP here.

          Just what I needed, ladies. Thanks for all the support and blog recommendations! It’s going to be great! Also, how great that this community exists. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve posted — here or on the main site — but you all really came through for me today. Mwah!

          • Katala says

            Chiming in with Daily Garnish for another mom of 2 boys blog. She doesn’t post so often anymore but I think that’s because she’s loving life with her sons!

    • Breech baby says

      I am on my third boy and deep down (well not that deep) heartbroken that I won’t have a girl, won’t have a mother-daughter bond, will only be the MIL to my children’s families (face it, we know the wives/moms control access to the kids). Of course I love my boys to pieces but that doesn’t make it any easier to bear what is not there.

      • Anon for this (OP) says

        Thanks for understanding. Honestly, I think there’s also a tiny part of me (OP) that is also sad that there won’t be a third one. That could totally be part of this. Hubs feels pretty strongly about 2 and done and, to be fair to him, that was also my plan. I honestly just like being a mom way more than I thought I would and I can see the appeal of three. But, for a lot of reasons including but not limited to finances, my “advanced maternal age,” and the limits of our home and family support network, two is good number for us and I HAVE made my peace with that. :-) You’re going to be a great mom of 3 boys, but from me to you, hugs. (Oh, and +1 to what you said about moms/wives controlling access to grandkids. So true!)

        • Meg Murry says

          This is exactly how I feel regarding having only 2 boys and no girl (or possibility of a 3rd). On a positive note – it’s helped me relate much better to my mother-in-law (of 2 boys), and I’m hoping that I’m building karma by being kind to her and trying not to totally favor my mother over my MIL, and maybe someday my boys will have wives willing to do the same.

ABOUT

WORK WITH US

Serious Stuff

  • Copyright 2014-2023 Katfry LLC.
  • Corporette® is a Registered mark in the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office.
  • Terms of Use
  • Privacy Policy