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Happy Wednesday, ladies! Today I’m liking this washable sheath dress from Banana Republic — the notch neck, sleeves, and simple fit and flare design are lovely! It’s available in blue, red, and black in regular, tall, and petite sizes for $138 full price. Short-Sleeve A-Line Vee Neck Dress
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
(L-all)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Butter says
After several moves in just a couple of years, we are finally buying furniture for our living room (as opposed to hacking things together from a combination of Craigslist and other stuff we’ve somehow accumulated). I want it to be comfy but also look decent, and be relatively kid-friendly.
Two questions: are there any brands and stores you particularly like for couches and such? And do you have a setup you particularly like (e.g. sectionals, chairs, round coffee tables/no coffee tables, etc)? Or things you would absolutely avoid with a soon-to-be toddler? (E.g. Floor lamps – yay or nay?) We have a decent amount of space to work with and are basically starting from scratch, so I’m a bit overwhelmed.
Anon in NOVA says
I have a Pottery Barn couch that I’m in love with. It is completely slipcovered, but doesn’t have that slip cover look about it (if that makes sense). All the cushion covers zip off and are machine washable, as well as the covering for the entire couch. It comes in a “performance canvas” fabric that seems to be repelling spills fairly well. The best part is if it ever gets stained beyond repair or you’re tired of the color, you can buy a new slipcover without replacing the couch!
I also appreciate that it’s made in the USA, and is very very comfortable. I would wait for a sale though, you can usually get at least 20% off. They also offer a discount (i think 20%) if you recently moved.
We also have a pottery barn coffee table that is a leather cushiony top (looks like a big bench I guess?) with wood legs. It’s nice because I have a big wooden tray on it with all my accessories etc, and I can just pick that up and move it if a friend with a young one comes over. I’d imagine with a younger one it also means fewer corner-of-the-coffee-table accidents.
Not to sound like a PB advertisement, but many of the stores offer a free service where you give them a budget and the stylists will actually come to your home with bags of stuff and stage your house, then you only pay for what you keep! I’ve used it and know other people who have as well, and I really didn’t encounter much pressure to purchase stuff I didn’t want. They also gave me some tips to save money (like which local bookstore would be great for used coffee table books, etc.) So that’s a route you could take as well in terms of accessorizing.
mascot says
+1 for the furniture store design services. We just used one with an independent furniture store and it was great having someone knowledgeable measure our room, talk to us, and give design suggestions. A lot of places offer this, although PB and Ethan Allen are some of the best known for it.
We had a Kincaid set that held up pretty well. I grew to hate the tweedy upholstery on it though. It didn’t show dirt, but it wasn’t easy to clean. I know that people will tell you that you can always recover furniture, but I think that it’s only worth it on pieces that were secondhand so super cheap (but very well made) or really high end stuff.
Butter says
I love the idea of using a furniture store design service, but is there a minimum you have to spend? I’m a little worried I’ll have commitment-phobia and only want to buy one or two pieces at a time while building towards a bigger vision, but not sure they’d work with something like that.
mascot says
Depends on the store. The one we used I think would charge $150-200 for a design consult if you didn’t end up buying anything. The guy had done a good bit of work and we liked what we saw. We only bought part of what he recommended, but I think we got to keep all the paperwork for the different floor plans and pieces if we wanted to add in the future.
Anon in NOVA says
PB is no charge and no minimum, at least when I used it
FTMinFL says
+1 for PB performance fabrics. We have a sectional in beige Performance Tweed (not slipcovered) and I have actually cleaned an entire glass of red wine spilled on it with a dry dishcloth! It has stood up to everything our toddler has thrown at it so far.
anne-on says
Both of our sofas are from thomasville, and we have really liked them. What was particularly nice was getting to pick out the fabric (we also stain guarded them) and choosing the deeper version, so its extra cozy to curl up in. A sectional is great for kids, lots of space, and lots of sofa cushions to build forts with ;)
We prefer a soft leather storage ottoman to a coffee table, but we also don’t allow food outside of the kitchen, so it really depends on how you live. We mostly do table lamps, but that is because we also need end tables for storage (tissues, remote controls, magazines, etc.). I’ve had both a toddler and a dog break lamps, but honestly all of mine are from Homegoods/target for that reason!
Anon in NYC says
We have a few floor lamps (including one in my daughter’s room), and it hasn’t been a problem. But my kiddo is generally pretty mellow and not that mischievous.
anne-on says
Oh – random, but I’ve had really good luck with the quality and prices of the lamps from PBKids, Restoration hardware baby/teen, etc. Same quality as the ‘adult’ brands, but often much cheaper, and more sales/coupons.
Cb says
I love the pbkids sheets, I’ve had some for 6 years and they just keep getting softer. I really like cheerful patterns though.
Anon in NOVA says
I’ve gotten some items from PBteen I’ve been happy with as well, including a dry erase calendar/bulletin board combo that hangs in our kitchen. It’s framed in wood so it looks “grownup”
avocado says
We have a couch from Pottery Barn and another from Bassett, and the Bassett is comfier and has held up better over time. The Bassett is upholstered in some kind of synthetic slightly fuzzy fabric (chenille?) that resists stains, fading, and wrinkling much better than the cotton twill slipcovers we have from PB. I don’t wash the slipcovers for fear they’ll shrink, so I end up having them steam cleaned, which stretches them out. I also have to put nasty chemical stain repellants on the cotton slipcovers, which aren’t necessary on the synthetic (it did not come treated but moisture just beads up on it and can be blotted right off). Wood furniture we’ve had from PB has also started to look shabby pretty quickly–the finish scratches and wears off easily.
We have had the best luck with furniture from local independent furniture stores. Some of the moderately priced brands we’ve been happy with are Kincaid and Stanley. Never, ever buy anything from a furniture store at “full price.” Bassett regularly runs a 25% off sale, and our local store does 50% off the ridiculous “list prices” twice a year.
avocado says
But I love PB linens, curtains, etc. Just not the furniture.
Anon in NOVA says
I second the comments about the wood furniture from there. I haven’t had great luck with finished wood products from there.
Anonymous says
+third. So easily dinged and scratched, including the bed, dresser, and dining table we have. Very disappointing. My cats have completely destroyed the surface of our dining table that I was so proud of as a my first grown up furniture purchase. Good thing they’re cute.
NewMomAnon says
I have a Bassett sectional that is almost 10 years old, and it is holding up really well. My dog ripped one of the cushions from the back, but it seems to be impervious to my daughter. I also enjoyed picking out the fabric, the feet, and customizing it. They have a great warranty.
H says
I don’t know how old your kids are but when I was pregnant we replaced our glass coffee table with a faux leather ottoman with storage and it works well for our current lifestyle. Stores toys and the 2 year old can climb all over it. By the time the faux leather starts wearing out (which has been my experience with ALL faux leather furniture; it doesn’t last forever!), hopefully kiddo will be old enough for something nicer.
shortperson says
posted this yesterday afternoon, but IMO this is the perfect coffee table for our little living room/playspace.
http://www.landofnod.com/grey-stain-rotunda-play-table/s496333
of course we bought a nice coffee table when i was pregnant so this is probably not going to happen.
Anonymouse2 says
Our couch is from Pier 1. We intended to go to Hamilton’s, but it didn’t open until noon and we walked around Pier 1 to poke around and found this couch, which has so far stood up to two toddlers. We do not allow food outside the kitchen and wash their hands with water after meals instead of simply wiping them with a rag. Our last loveseat quickly fell victim due to wiping with a rag, and not changing the toddler’s shirts when husband (always) forgot to put a bib on.
Betty says
We purchased our couch from Restoration Hardware pre-kids. Honestly, it looked pretty terrible in a short-time frame. The middle part of the base sagged and it has not lasted well. However, the one thing that I am so grateful that we did is purchase brown furniture that is slip-covered. The brown hides spills in between washes.
dc anon says
We’ve been really happy with our sectional from Macy’s.
(was) due in june says
Lee Industries. Made in America. Solid wood. A million fabrics to choose from. We upgraded to bottom cushions with interior springs, wrapped in foam, and back cushions wrapped in foam, so they are both extremely comfortable and extremely resilient. I’ve slept on that couch overnight and felt great in the morning. And it cost less than Pottery Barn.
I would kill for a sectional versus a sofa these days.
In House Lobbyist says
We have had 2 fabric couches in 4 years and I about to replace it again. We did buy these from a family member’s furniture store so maybe they weren’t good quality but they look terrible. We have had our leather couch for over 13 years now. I’m team leather all the way. And we don’t let the kids eat on the couch but it does get the cushions pulled off a lot for fort building.
Katarina says
I really like Nebraska Furniture Mart, they have a variety of brands and price points. The service is good. I really like having a big sectional. We don’t let the kids eat or drink on the couch. I also have an oval coffee table, but I got it because it fit in the sectional.
anon says
This is not a brand request but machine washable ultrasuede slipcovers are great for durable upholstery; ultrasuede is also relative cat-proof (they don’t like scratching it and it doesn’t snag easily). In terms of indestructible, my parents had This End Up sofas (Classic crate style) at their beach house for literally 30 years. This house was rented out all summer every year, and the sofas survived amazingly well . They did have to replace the cushion foam and cushion covers once or twice, but the structure of the sofa is just a wood box, and they are surprisingly comfortable. Their aesthetic value is debatable at best though.
anon says
brand recommendation i mean, sorry
Anonymous says
Room & Board for all the furniture. Made in the US, excellent quality, and exceptional customer service. I don’t work for them but all of my real furniture is from them and I love it. Our main couch is a small sectional that is going on 11 years, 6 moves, 3 kids…except for the CUT that an angry 4-year-old made w scissors, it has held up really well. We regularly fall asleep watching tv on it.
When we replace it (hopefully soon because our family has outgrown it!) it will be w a Lee Industries large sectional, because they don’t use any of the nasty chemicals in production. Also possibly leaning to leather because I hate cleaning fabric but I also hate having a dirty couch.
R&B also has a free no pressure design service.
Family Haircut Drama says
Sorry in advance for the length. I’m in the middle of a family argument over something so stupid. Background: My mom does not like my sister’s husband. My mom and my BIL are complete opposites in terms of personality, have very different priorities, and she just plainly does not like him. I think he’s fine and my sister is happy with him, which is all I care about.
They have a four year old daughter, “Susie”. In the last several months, my BIL has started cutting Susie’s hair. He thinks it’s this cool bonding thing that he has with Susie. But… he does a really terrible job. The first time I saw it, I thought it was one of those situations where Susie had gotten a hold of a pair of scissors and cut her own hair. One side was literally 2 inches shorter than the other, and not in a cool edgy way. She had bangs on only one side of her forehead. The next haircut was not quite that bad, but it still looks pretty awful. My mom can. not. deal. She hates it. She talks to me about it all the time. She’s worried that Susie is going to get bullied in school. I don’t know why she’s so worried about that since Susie is not even going to start Kindergarten for another year and a half. She’ll start in a half day pre-K program in the fall. Do five and six year olds mock each other’s haircuts?
Anyway, this all came to a head when my mom made a haircut appointment at a salon to get Susie’s hair “fixed” while my sister and Susie were visiting her without my BIL. Now they’re having a huge argument about it, and my sister wants my input on whether she’s being unreasonable by refusing to take Susie to the appointment. My BIL is furious about my mom trying to do this behind his back.
What would you say or do in this situation? I think that if my sister and her husband and Susie are all fine with how Susie’s hair looks, my mom needs to back off. Any thoughts? Especially from parents of 5 or 6 year olds who could maybe shed some light on whether or not getting bullied for a weird haircut is a legitimate concern?
Anon in NYC says
Your mom needs to back off. She is way overstepping boundaries. She should think about whether she would have appreciated your grandmother doing that to you or your sister.
Anonymous says
+1
anon says
I think you and your sister are right, and even if getting bullied is a possibility, it is just not up to your mother to address this. She’s out of line. Unless they are abusing or neglecting their child, which they are clearly not, your sister and her husband get to raise their daughter how they want, period. If he keeps practicing Dad may get better at hair cutting before kindergarten.
Pogo says
I think it’s up to a child’s parents what to do with the kid’s hair. It is crossing a line for grandparents to have a kid’s hair cut because they don’t like it.
My in-laws HATED my nephew’s hair (and like you, I tended to agree – it was long, like halfway down his back, curly, and always tangled; he refused to wear it back/up, so it was always dirty/full of food…..not a great look). They were decently vocal about it. But, they never took nephew to get it cut and I personally really appreciated that about them.
I think when he was four-ish they finally cut it. He was not bullied that I know of, but people and other kids regularly assumed he was a girl. I don’t think it bothered him.
Pogo says
And when I say “they” cut it, I mean his mom and dad.
Anon in NOVA says
In my parenting experience, kids that age don’t necessarily “bully”, but they don’t have the filter to avoid saying unintentionally hurtful things to each other. They may say “why does your hair look weird?” or “your hair is funny” without meaning to be hurtful, but are old enough to be hurt when they’re on the receiving end of those comments/questions.
However, in my opinion, if her parents don’t mind, it’s not anyone else’s place to. It sounds like your mom said her piece and gave her opinion, and now it’s time for everyone to step back and let the parents do the parenting. This is much easier said than done, especially when you love the child involved, but if the relationship with the parents is strained too much you risk jeopardizing your relationship with the child you were trying to protect.
You can maybe walk the line with your response to your sister if you want to. You can be like “look, I see what mom’s saying, BIL isn’t exactly a professional hairstylist hahaha. But, you and BIL are her parents and unless we feel like you’re hurting susie it’s not our place to intervene, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you as her mother to have the final say in her hairstyle”
Anon in NOVA says
PS when I first read this I read that YOU had the 4 year old daughter and your BIL was cutting her hair… which made for a much weirder story!
Anonymouse2 says
That’s what I read too!
Family Haircut Drama says
Haha, oh heck no. If he comes near my daughter with scissors, she better run.
Cb says
Oh my goodness, my nana conned me into getting my hair completely cut off for summer (I had boy hair) and my mom was in fits. You don’t mess with a kids hair, even if the dad’s skills need some work.
Mrs. Jones says
Yes Mom should back off. In the grand scheme of things, a bad haircut is no big deal.
Yes, other kids may say something about the hair. My 6 y-o son occasionally gets manicures with me, and sometimes other kids tease him about his painted nails.
Anon says
Agree your mom is absolutely overstepping her bounds and she has no say in her granddaughter’s hair. However, when I look back on photos of bad haircuts I had, I get kind of sad my parents didn’t care more to get me a nice haircut. But I’m a little vain and I was in kindergarten by then, although I don’t recall ever being bullied.
Anonymous says
Grandma needs to back off. She is being crazy. If the 4 year old has a problem with it in September (NINE months from now) when Pre-K starts then SIL/BIL can take the kid for a professional cut.
Betty says
My husband gave our 5 year old a truly awful haircut this summer. He looked like a miniature monk. In my experience, its just not that big of a deal at that age.
And yes, your mother is over-stepping her bounds. If she is this concerned about a haircut, what will happen when bigger issues come into play?
Meg Murry says
I think this has become a personality clash, and if it wasn’t Susie’s hair, it would be her clothes, shoes, backpack or something else. But hair, once cut, can’t be changed back the same way you can say “oh thanks Mom” about clothes that aren’t your style and then quietly put them in back of the closet or make them disappear.
Your mother was overstepping her bounds by making an appointment to try to go behind BIL’s back, and it put your sister in a terrible place of having to be between her mother and her husband – that was wrong, and your sister was right to not take Susie to the appointment.
I’m afraid that now that your mother has made this a war, BIL may dig in his heels further and insist on continuing to cut Susie’s hair, when this might have just blown over. It’s not cool to use a kid as a proxy in a fight between 2 adults.
If BIL thinks it’s a bonding thing, perhaps you or MIL could offer up the gift of brother and Susie going to get their hair cut *together* at the barbershop or salon of his choosing. My boys love going to the barbershop with their dad or grandpa, and there are a couple of little girls in town with older brothers that choose the barbershop over the local salon. I can’t blame them – the barbershop has candy and cartoons on TV when kids come in, whereas the salons smell like hair dye and nail polish remover and is slower and fussier, whereas the barber gives a pretty good basic kids cut quickly and cheaply.
But yes, your mother was wrong and you should encourage her to apologize to Sis and BIL for overstepping. She could perhaps make the offer *once* that she’d be happy to take Susie for a haircut to save Sis and BIL the trouble – but she should otherwise just drop it. In fact, I’d suggest that you tell your mother that now this has escalated from a minor sticking point to a full out battle and that she really needs to just drop it, because the more she mentions the hair, the less Sis and BIL are going to want to be around her. And Susie hearing that grandma thinks her hair looks funny is just as damaging (or potentially even more so) than any teasing or bullying she’s going to get from pre-school or kindergarten peers.
FWIW, I had to lay down the law with my parents that they could not take my boys for their *very first* haircuts (which neither needed until they were 2+, I had bald babies), but after that we didn’t care if they took the boys to get haircuts on the days they were babysitting, because it’s once less thing for me to try to cram in to the weekends. So I can see that your mother *thought* she was doing a nice thing, but it’s not cool for her to try to go around BIL like that.
anon says
My dad took me to the barber once, and apparently he butchered my hair – I don’t remember what it looked like, just my mom looking at me when we got home and announcing this experience would not be repeated. And she wasn’t picky. So choose your barber carefully! (It sounds like in your town the barber has more of a diverse range than Vince did…)
Anonymous says
“And Susie hearing that grandma thinks her hair looks funny is just as damaging (or potentially even more so) than any teasing or bullying she’s going to get from pre-school or kindergarten peers.”
This.
Anonymous says
This just reminded me of my nanny who gave my 8 month old son his first haircut. Without asking. I flipped the f out. She was fired for related overstepping-boundaries reasons a few months later, and I subsequently found out she’s done unwanted first haircuts for at least 2 of the other kids she’s nannied for, so she definitely can not claim ignorance that it’s not cool to mess with other people’s kids’ hair.
I will join the chorus saying your mom needs to back off. Until the kid is old enough to have an opinion on his/her own hairstyle, it’s the parents’ realm.
Anonymous says
1) Parents decide when it comes to kids hair.
2) I know a five year old who was bullied in kindergarten by a group of girls who actively and purposefully excluded and teased her. But this was at a uniformed private school on Manhattan’s Upper East Side, so your mileage may vary.
Patty Mayonnaise says
Any experience with painting blocks as a baby shower activity? This seems like a nicer keepsake than painted onesies to me. But I wonder what materials work best and how to safely deal the blocks once painted. Thanks!!
anne-on says
If you’d like something a bit easier/less storage intensive for the parents, my mom had guests each ‘decorate’ a page of a book that she’d stenciled with a letter for ‘baby’s first alphabet book’. Very cute, and easy for the non-artists (like me!) as she provided stickers, stencils, etc. You could also pass around individual sheets and bind them/scan them into a book or binder later.
Anonymouse2 says
LOVE. I hope I remember this!
LegalMomma says
My family did this for me at my shower – Andy the blocks are exactly the awesome keepsake you would imagine them to be! My daughter loves her blocks. I think it was an acrylic paint of some sort – I don’t remember. My husband later put polyurethane (the kitchen / food friendly kind of that makes sense) over all of them. Both to protect them from chipping – and to make them safe for toddler. One suggestion – have people sign them in some way … we have some blocks we don’t know who did them and we wish we did.
PinkKeyboard says
So our home daycare has been lying about the quantity of people supervising the kids which came out when the owner was in a car accident and couldn’t provide care at all this week. Now I’ve called 7 daycares near our house. This is so stressful! Luckily my Mom could take her this week.
Anon says
Ugh that is terrible. We had to move our son the first week he was in daycare and trying to find replacement childcare on a short timeframe (and making sure you aren’t just jumping into another bad situation) is a h*ll I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Anon in NYC says
So terrible! I’m sorry you’re going through that.
blueberries says
I hear you. I’m trying to find childcare on a short timeframe right now and am super stressed. Doesn’t help that the agency we engaged just sent us a candidate who was lying about her qualifications (and not even doing a good job of it).
Anon for this says
My stay at home dad husband had his first physical in a few years on Monday. Now he has decided to cut out caffeine, carbs, smoking, and alcohol all at the same time. In addition to adding exercise and 8 bottles of water a day.
For whatever reason, I am getting the brunt of how difficult it is for him. He’s accused me of being enabling when I asked clarifying questions about his new rules (though we’d not yet discussed them at all), and told me to leave him alone last night in bed. Then this morning last night was “really hard for him” and I had abandoned him. He suggested I spend tonight with my parents’ if I’m going to be “like that” again.
I’m not sure our marriage can survive this. In his mind, he is being totally reasonable and I’m irrational and defensive, making it about me and trying to sabotage his efforts toward good health. I will do anything I can to support the changes he wants to make, and have said so, but I’m already exhausted from bearing the brunt of all his frustration and crankiness (and sugar detoxing), and we’re only on Day 2. (For the record, I don’t drink or smoke)
Anyone been down a similar road? TL; DR: My husband has quit all his vices at once, and been replaced by Detox Dan, who is constantly nasty/critical and says that’s all my fault. I recognize this isn’t his usual personality, but since I can’t even say anything about how it’s better to make changes one at a time or gradually, can anyone send me advice for surviving my husband’s new attitude??
JTX says
As you said, you’re only on Day 2. I think it’s a little melodramatic to say “I don’t know if our marriage can survive this.” He is probably going through a LOT of withdrawal symptoms. Quitting smoking, in particular, is unbelievably difficult. If he does indeed successfully quit all of these vices, you should see his mood steadily improve over the next few weeks. But I would expect him to be pretty irrational/moody for the next week at least.
It isn’t fair that he is lashing out at you, but I would try to cut him as much slack as you can. You don’t have to sit around and take his abuse, of course — if he is being nasty to you, leave the room. But I think it is unreasonable to expect him to quit smoking, carbs, alcohol and caffeine and still be in a cheerful mood, particularly for the first few days. I also think he probably knows he is being irrational and unreasonable, despite what he says to you.
Is he also behaving this way towards your kids? I would be concerned about his attitude towards the kids during the day while you’re at work.
If you do decide to say something to him, I would encourage him to quit one vice at a time, and perhaps to consider using nicotine replacement therapy.
Anon for this says
Thank you for that re melodrama, because I really don’t want to be. We haven’t been in the best place to begin with, and so it’s easy for me to jump to worst case scenario.
I have quit smoking successfully, and I know how cranky it can make you. But I didn’t treat my husband this way.
I think I’m just going to plan a lot of solo activities for myself/ our kiddo for this weekend, and count on his being a grouchy jerk. For the record, I think it’s dumb to be trying to quit all these things cold turkey, with no help or structure, all at once…so I’m not hugely sympathetic to how horrible he’s feeling– it’s his choice to make these changes this way.
So far our kid has become the shining example of how he is perfect and I suck, because he stays home with her and I am not nearly as knowledgeable about her daily care during the day.
I’m afraid to do anything like get him nicotine patches or make him low-carb food, because I can’t seem to say or do anything right and my own feelings can’t really take any more punishment than I’m going to be getting no matter what.
JTX says
Well, your response makes me have a lot less sympathy for your husband. I assumed (incorrectly) you were underestimating the effects of nicotine withdrawal, but if you’ve been through it yourself, then you understand. I was probably projecting a bit because I am a former smoker whose husband really did enable me when I would get cranky.
Your comment about his attitude towards your role in your daughter’s care makes me feel like you should consider marriage counseling. If he thinks you suck because you work and he stays at home, he clearly does not appreciate your contributions to the family. Does he like being a SAHD? It sounds like maybe he feels insecure or inadequate and he is trying to shift the blame for his negative feelings onto you.
I agree with your plan to avoid him while he does this unnecessarily difficult detox. Maybe even plan a fun weekend away for you and your daughter. I hate to say this, but he is probably going to hit a wall and abandon this plan within a few days.
Anonymous says
Just because you don’t know HIS daily care routine for your child, doesn’t mean anything about your parenting abilities.
There’s often comments on this blog about moms having to accept dads doing something a different way when the result is the same (kid bathed/kid fed) – equally applies in the reverse situation when the dad is more involved in care and SAHD accepting working mom doing things differently.
Anon in NYC says
While I don’t think your husband was being very nice or fair, honestly, give him a few days to adjust. I’ve gone through periods where I cut carbs and it is HARD. I also found it very difficult to cut caffeine. It is absolutely making him irrational and cranky.
FWIW, I would tell him that you support his efforts to improve his health, but that if he cannot be polite that he should take a time out and go sit in your bedroom.
Anon for this says
This is really helpful. I struggle because all efforts to suggest time out or impose one myself so far were framed as my “disappearing” or “abandoning him.” But I have to set some ground rules at some point. Honestly I think my strategy is going to be primarily avoidance.
Betty says
One strategy that has worked well in our marriage is when one person takes on beast mode, the other person can say, in a very neutral tone, “Stop. That hurt. Try again.”
In an odd way, if you have effective ways of dealing with your kiddo, e.g. validating feelings and then restating the rule, that can work exceptionally well here as well. I would come up with a few standard responses that will work and then use those liberally because irrational + cranky is basically my three year old.
Anon in NOVA says
Along the same lines, I’ve always found saying “wow, that really hurt my feelings” in a slightly neutral/surprised tone stops people in their tracks, even when they’re in “beast mode” (awesome term Betty!)
Anonymous says
seconding NOVA’s suggesting on explicitly saying when something has hurt your feelings. My DH reacts much differently if I say “that hurt my feelings” vs. if I just sound annoyed. Basically he feels bad if he makes me sad so key to emphasize that upset = sad not upset = mad.
Anonymous says
Love this. It doesn’t come up often, but every once in a while someone is having an “off” day and things just come out wrong. What a great way to let them (or me!) know my words and tone are not ok.
anon says
Can you walking away when he is being impossible as “I’m giving myself a time out, not abandoning you, because I can see that I am not able to give you what you need right now and don’t want to make it worse for you”?
Anonymous says
Sounds super frustrating, but honestly, your husband must already be feeling like sh*t with withdrawal etc., and getting healthier is certainly better for the best for your family in the long run, so I would just roll with it for now, and try to discuss things more constructively in the moments he is being more reasonable.
mascot says
Yikes! Cutting out carbs makes me a short term hangry monster for a while. Depending on how regularly he drank, he could be getting a double whammy on losing that sugar as well. Is he open to ditching the refined carbs but keeping things like fruit and sweet potatoes (think Paleo-ish) instead of going full on ketosis inducing low carb? That helps with the moods. The first few days/weeks of any new habit are going to be really hard. Cold turkey quitting smoking is particularly difficult. Maybe he can ask his doctor for some suggestions or look at some online resources.
Is he otherwise good at adversity? You may need grit your teeth and know that this will pass. However, I think you should sit him down and lay out some ground rules. Tell him that you love him and are proud of him, you will support his efforts (enable gym time, not serve oreos for dinner, etc), and that you will give him some grace on short term mood swings. But, he still needs rules of engagement- it’s never acceptable in my house to suggest that my spouse go stay with his parents bc we are having a fight. Just no.
Anon says
Everyone is saying to cut your husband some slack, but honestly? He’s being a jerk. Now, I’ve never tried to quit anything like this and I’m sure it is difficult, but telling you to sleep at your mom’s? Unacceptable. I would definitely call him out on it (when he’s in a calm mood) and try to have a constructive conversation about what role exactly he wants you to play. Agree with mascot about setting ground rules. And I think you’re smart to steer clear this weekend and do fun things with your kid.
shortperson says
i agree. if he cant handle all these things at the same time he shouldnt be doing it. and if he’s being a jerk he can’t handle it.
Anon in NOVA says
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like things were already stressful and this is just piling on top of it. Hugs!
Similar to what mascot said, there needs to be ground rules. Maybe laying out “look, I know how tough quitting all these things is, I cant imagine the discipline it’s taking to do it all at once. I’m so happy you’re doing this for our family, we love you and want you around as long as possible! I totally support you and don’t blame you if it makes you a bit grumpy while you go through this. PLEASE do us both a favor though and try not to say anything you can’t take back. Count to ten if you need to, but while I rationally know you’re just going through a tough time, I can still get emotionally hurt when you snap at me” or something. I don’t know, this is so tough. I’m sorry.
I also agree with your plan to schedule some solo stuff/activities this weekend with your kiddo. Frame it as “giving him a break” or “wanting to be supportive and give him time to exercise” or whatever, even if in reality it’s you escaping the storm cloud hanging over your household.
avocado says
Oh, that is so hard. Your husband is very ambitious. Any one of those changes would turn a person into the Incredible Hulk for several days. I can’t even imagine trying to undertake them all at once.
The advice to calmly point out that he’s not entitled to be cruel even though he is suffering is good, but it may not work. If your husband is wired like mine, or even if he isn’t ordinarily but he’s just really miserable right now, then only his feelings will be valid and you will not have a right to be hurt by his behavior. If this is the case, avoidance is probably the best strategy until he gets through the worst of it.
NewMomAnon says
What happened in the physical that made him take these steps? I’m sure detoxing is making him angry, but it also sounds like he might be really scared about something he heard in that physical. I don’t know how to get through his angry shell to talk about those fears, but it might be really important to try.
OP says
Thanks for this, because it’s dead on. This morning I said something about how I think he must be scared, and his whole face and body softened. I don’t think I’m tending to this aspect of things enough, and I really want to shift how we’re interacting about it, so this is my new focus. That and strategic avoidance.
And avocado, our husbands sound alike. You said it all– I don’t have a right to be hurt by his behavior. He is not normally this way, but gets tunnel-y when he’s going through stressful stuff– and we’ve had a lot lately.
Thanks all. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through today, but your words and have support have done it.
I texted him offering to handle bedtime so he could hit the gym tonight, and things have gone well from there. Part of what’s hard about this for me is that I have tackled many similar challenges– in the last two years I’ve quit smoking, celebrated 4 years without drinking, and lost over 60 lbs. Through slow, small, gradual life habit changes. So I’m wary of the cold turkey method, but my husband has an incredibly strong (ha, stubborn) will and I completely think this may be the right way for him. Hard to balance supporting with not giving unsolicited advice. Hard to hold my tongue about how I didn’t get this kind of kid glove treatment while I was doing any of those hard things. Hard to know whether it’s okay to eat pasta at home anymore. Sob…
Anonymous says
My marriage didn’t work out so I’m on a new boyfriend after a divorce, and one of the most refreshing aspects of my current relationship is how my boyfriend has the self-awareness to say, “I’m going on chantix, and we can talk about it now, but I never want to talk about it again.” We talk about it, and then it’s done. He doesn’t want encouragement, he wants to be treated normally. If he were also quitting booze and carbs at the same time, I would be shocked and a little scared, as you must be. While other posters are right, that your H doesn’t get to treat you like shit and you can start saying “that hurt my feelings”, it may also help to be very clear with yourself and with him if you have concerns. “I’m concerned about what triggered this huge change, and I need you to know that I will support you however I can. If I were trying to do what you’re trying to do, I would fail, and I am afraid of you blaming me if you fail. I expect you will still be able to treat me with respect and kindness, despite how difficult this will be.” or something like that. Good luck though, this is so hard.
FTMinFL says
When did you move your little one out of the crib and into a toddler bed?
Our little person #1 will be 21 months when little person #2 is born this summer. He has never shown signs of wanting to climb out of his crib, though throwing his lovie and little blanket out is hilarious. Part of me says keep him in his (convertible) crib as long as possible until it becomes a safety issue, convert his crib to a toddler bed and just get a new crib for little person #2.
The other part would rather get him situated in a toddler bed and move the crib to little person #2’s room before (s)he is born to reduce things that #1 will have to adjust to and free up some space in his room. Little person #2 will be in our room likely in a pack n play for the first 6-7 months, so (s)he won’t need the crib right away, but I’ve got a strange aversion to buying another crib.
Thoughts? I acknowledge that I’m probably being crazy even considering option 2…
Anonymous says
So we didn’t just buy one new crib, we bough two! Older sister was almost three but no signs of climbing out and actually loved her ‘safe space’. Her world was about to be rocked with the arrival of twin siblings so we left her in her crib and got new cribs for the twins. It was great knowing that we didn’t have to worry about her wandering around in her room or messing up her room if she woke up at night. Because she didn’t try to climb out, it was also great to have a safe space to confine her with some books when I needed to attend to the babies.
Older sister moved out of her crib at age 4 when she asked for a big girl bed. Zero issues with transitioning crib to bed because she was completely ready.
Ikea has some inexpensive but non-ugly options for a second crib. You might also find a friend/family member who would pass one on to you.
Anon says
+1. Our older son stayed in his crib until after 3 (can’t remember now). Because he showed no signs of climbing out, we felt like there was no reason to move him, and feared the sleep issues with moving him before he was ready. Like above, when he asked for a big kid bed, we moved him. Zero issues b/c it was on his terms. If you can, I’d advise waiting. FWIW, we had a second hand crib for #2 (from a trusted friend). By the time #2 was out of the rock and play and really ready for a crib, #1 expressed interest in moving into a big kid bed, so we hardly used the second hand crib at all.
FTMinFL says
Oh, you deserve all the credit for welcoming twins with one already at home! I was so relieved when there was only one little one on my ultrasound. It is also great to hear that your oldest stayed in a crib until age 4. I assumed that all kids moved out of the crib closer to 2, so the timing of the transition was stressing me some. Thank you!
AnonMN says
+1 My 3 year old stayed in his crib and we waited to buy a second crib based on the unknowns (will he crawl out right before new baby needs it?) When my second was around 6 months and we wanted to start having him start out in his crib rather than the co-sleeper, it became clear that my eldest was never going to crawl out, so we bought a second crib. Our attempts to move our 3 year old to a big bed have been unsuccessful, he still sleeps in his crib with the converted toddler bed railing (his “cozy bed” he calls it). He just likes sleeping curled in a ball with walls around him, so we’re just going with it.
Also, it was SO NICE to have him contained after bed time when we had a newborn around.
Lyssa says
We started moving my son to a full sized bed in a new room when he was a little over 2, because his sister was coming (when he would be 2.5) and I wanted him to move well before that, so that he wouldn’t feel like he was giving up the crib for her. It was pretty tough – he refused it for a while, then we would put the crib mattress on the floor and let him sleep on that, then I would read and lie with him until he fell asleep for a while – it probably took a good 3 months before he was really used to it, but it ultimate did work out. Though I think that if he’d been younger, we would probably have been better to do something to keep him in the crib for longer.
EB0220 says
We moved #1 to a toddler bed a month or so before #2 was born. She was a bit older, though – around 25-26 months. She did OK but husband and I had to lay on her floor every night at first. Ultimately it was OK, though. She had never tried to escape her crib and was used to sleeping in an open space at daycare (cot). #2 refused to sleep in her crib one day around when she turned 2, so she got moved to the toddler bed then. She has always slept in an open space, from day 1, at her montessori sschool, so she does fine. Also she can’t open the door yet because we have round doorknobs (evil laugh).
avocado says
We moved ours out of her crib into a low twin bed at 26 months because she was climbing out of the crib. We tried a crib tent and she literally ripped through it to get out. She stayed in the twin bed just fine.
If you feel that he is a little young for a toddler bed now but don’t want to buy another crib, how about letting him stay in the crib until the new sibling is about 3 months old, then making the transition to a separate toddler bed? That would give him 3 months to get used to the new sibling before the bed transition, and another 3 months to get used to the toddler bed before sibling takes over the crib. You could even keep the crib disassembled for a while so it’s not so obvious that sibling will be usurping the crib.
FTMinFL says
That is a great suggestion – thanks!
Anonymouse2 says
It will be hard to lift toddler out of the crib when you’re further along in the pregnancy. If your partner isn’t around, it’ll be awkward trying to help her in or out.
JTX says
We had this exact dilemma when we had our second kid, who is two years younger than his brother. What we did was buy a toddler bed that used a crib-sized mattress, with the intention of using the crib for the baby. It did NOT work out. My older son absolutely refused to sleep in the toddler bed, it totally freaked him out. He was very attached to his crib and, apparently, to being enclosed. We eventually had to buy a second crib for the baby. So, don’t do what I did (buy a toddler bed AND a crib). If you intend to keep the baby in your room in a pack and play until 6 months, I would just reevaluate the situation when he is 4 or 5 months.
Now that I have the benefit of hindsight, I wish I would have just bought a second crib to start off with, and transitioned the older kid’s crib to a toddler bed when he was ready. But I was sucked in by the cute toddler beds at Land of Nod. Darn you, Land of Nod!
FTMinFL says
This is exactly the kind of been-there-done-that advice I was hoping for. Thank you! It sounds like we will hold off on any bed purchases until after #2 is here and we can make decisions based on current reality instead of today’s speculation.
Mrs. Jones says
I may be in the minority, but I see no point to a toddler bed. Just get a regular adult bed (full, twin, whatever works for your space). Our son loved his big bed from the start.
FTMinFL says
I’m completely with you. We have a beautiful wood daybed handed down to me from my parents in what is now our guest room that I would have no problem moving him to when the time comes. Especially since the consensus seems to be to wait until #2 is here and decide if #1 is ready to move out of the crib then, that may be exactly what we do. I would be concerned about moving him to the daybed at 21 months because he just seems so small compared to that big bed, but I may feel differently in 6-12 months. Thanks for the input!
Anonymous says
Try moving the daybed into his room while still having him in the crib (if it will fit). You can use it as a cozy place to read books and snuggle and it will make for a better transition when you move him out of the crib post-baby because he will already feel like it’s ‘his’.
Katala says
Glad to hear this advice. Similar situation to OP’s, but #2 is coming in a month (!) when #1 will be 20 months and we just moved to a new house. We put #1 in the “baby room” with his crib and other furniture since we figured a move is enough of a transition for now. In his (future) “big boy room”, we put a twin mattress on the floor and are doing a montessori-style setup. For now it’s his play room and we snuggle on the mattress to read before bed. He loves that room and goes to the mattress and says “lay down” so I think he gets it (he sleeps on a mat at his montessori daycare).
For now our plan is to keep him in the crib, since he shows no signs of climbing out and is a great sleeper, move him to his big boy room when #2 is 3-4 months, then move #2 to the crib around 6 months to try to spread out the transitions a bit.
Momata says
I third this. We moved my daughter to a queen size bed (her “forever bed”) with a set of foam bumpers when she was 2 1/2. She loves it, and it makes reading stories and snuggling so nice.
Katarina says
I moved my son at 25 months, in anticipation of a new baby. I moved his room, too. He had no problem, but he is usually not phased by transitions. He started sleeping a little better, actually, I think the new bed was more comfortable than the hard crib mattress. At 3, he rarely gets out of bed on his own, and waits for me to get him in the morning.
Anon says
The guy in the office next to mine is sick, sick, sick. I have my door closed, and my music playing, and I can still hear him hacking, coughing, and spitting (!) phlegm into his trash can. Blowing his nose loudly. GO HOME. WTH. We have sick leave. USE IT.
/end rant.
Momata says
I preface this question by stating my understanding that all kids are different. But — how do you discipline your 3yos? My 3yo has learned that defiant/destructive behavior (throwing her dinner plate, throwing toys down the stairs) is hilarious, as is time-out and running away from it. She was a nearly angelic toddler and 2yo, so we are finding our toolbox a little bit empty. I have started by telling her the rules of dinner before we sit down – if you throw any food you are done, you go in time out, and you lose Favorite Toy Of The Moment for the rest of the evening. Then we follow through. But she still thinks it’s hilarious. Any other ideas?
Supernanny copy cat says
To be honest I totally used the SuperNanny method at that age. My little one liked to test boundaries (ie my foot is still in the corner does this count?) so I got a bright red bath mat for cheap and that was the time out spot. I did one minute per year like supernanny suggested and otherwise he got no attention during that time. If he got off the mat, I picked him up without a word, put him on it, and started the timer over. Sure, it took half an hour the first time, but he got the point after that. Afterwards we did the quick “you were in timeout for throwing your plate down the stairs, please tell me you’re sorry.” then apologies and hugs and went on our way.
He went through periods of finding this hilarious, but once it happened in front of my mother and his little 3-year-old self was a bit embarrassed, things really changed.
Good luck!
avocado says
We did supernanny at that age too.
Meg Murry says
We tried Supernanny technique, and sometimes it worked, but sometimes (especially when the behavior was more based on him being over tired) it turned in to an hour long battle of me putting him back in time out and him running away and escalating his behavior, until we were both super frustrated and had completely forgotten what the time out was for in the first place. In the end I think I wound up having him sit on my lap in the time out space, and then having a conversation about how it makes mommy so mad when he doesn’t listen to me and follow the house rules, and then he went to bed. And then we resumed the full supernanny the next day.
So if you are going to go full supernanny, make sure it is a battle you are willing to fight to the end, preferably when you have someone else there to back you up (alternating both you and the other adult putting them back in time out, etc), because if you reach your breaking point before the kid, you’ll wind up teaching them the bad lesson that if they can just wait you out, mommy will give up eventually.
If she’s laughing during time out but otherwise staying there, ignore her. What she wants is a reaction from you.
The other thing I’ve found that sometimes works is switching the conversation from “house rules” to “being polite”. So we talk about how sitting at the table nicely, eating with silverware, etc, is polite. And then we praise up to the skies all “polite” behavior anyone does – “Wow, daddy is being so polite, sitting quietly and using his fork and napkin. Good job daddy. Oh look, kiddo is being polite too! I like it when everyone is polite at dinner!” And then praise all the polite and helpful things she does all day – “I like the way you said please, that was so polite” and pointing out whenever characters in books or tv are being polite or rude.
The last resort I’ve had is rather than put the kiddo in time out, I go sequester myself. I say something like “Mommy is going to her room to have alone time for 10 minutes, because I don’t want to play with you when you are throwing things and not following the house rules”. For my kids, being ignored and losing Mommy or Daddy’s attention can be one of the worst punishments.
avocado says
Can you do time-out in a childproofed room where she can’t see you and can’t run away, so everything that is hilarious about it is removed? Preferably a boring room with no toys, books, etc.
AnonMN says
Does she sense your frustration when she’s doing the bad behavior? I feel like 3 year olds feed on frustration, so I’ve tried to stay a neutral as possible when dealing with annoying repeat behaviors. “huh, you threw your food, that’s a bummer, now you have to be done with dinner”. I do think it’s important to show emotion to your kids when you’re angry/frustrated/etc, but sometimes the neutral does wonders.
Time-outs just don’t work with my son (he either finds them hilarious or escalates them to an hours long sobbing session). Our best 3 year old strategy at the moment is to take away whatever his toy of the moment is (which it sounds like you are already trying). If you do X (or don’t do X) your crane/trains/legos are going to the basement until you can follow directions/etc. It has worked surprisingly well for him, which goes to show you that every kid is different.
It took some major follow-through on the first few days (at some point all the toys ended up in the basement and he had to earn them back by listening and helping). But along with Love and Logic choices, it’s been our best working strategy yet.
Anonymous says
My mom is super passive-aggressive and it’s slowly driving me crazy. We moved home to be near family and it’s honestly making me want to move. Not looking for advice just needed to get it out.
Frozen Peach says
No advice, but I could have written your post. Solidarity.
Anonymous says
Solidarity actually helps. My sister lives away and doesn’t get it at all.
Frozen Peach says
The one that really burns me is that my mom calls our toddler a “trooper” all the time. As though my kid’s life with a stay at home parent, parents’ morning out, and a day a week at my folks’ is some kind of hardship….
Anonymous says
Ha, right here with you sister. My mom let herself in my garage door a few weekends ago (we have a keypad and she had the combo from bringing the baby home from daycare a few days prior to this incident). We promptly changed the code and have hired a babysitter for all daycare pickups that we can’t do. Grandma has been relegated from “backup childcare” to “playdates only.”
Pogo says
We had to have a talk with my parents about letting themselves in. They have a key AND know the keypad combo (which I’m fine with, they need to come in and do stuff for us when we’re gone, etc) but just bursting in felt very disrespectful.
My mom tried to say “Oh but we’re family! We don’t care if you burst into our house!” – which is true, they always leave their door open if they know we’re coming over. And that’s fine, that’s their prerogative, but not how we roll.
Anxiety says
Ha! Tell them you might be having sex. When we moved to my hometown, my mom told me she wanted a heads up when we were coming over because you never know when they might be having sex (apparently my husband came into the house once while they were and they just narrowly avoided awkwardness). It’s absurd, but no one will ever question it again!! LOL
PEN says
Does anyone have an au pair “household handbook” or something similar that you would be willing to share?
Betty says
I’d be happy to share ours, but, in truth, I cribbed most of it from a sample I found on au pair mom . com (all one word). Look under the “Resources for Host Parents” tab in the top menu. Great advice on that site in general. If you’re looking for an example of how a specific issue was handled, there are several of us here who have au pairs, so ask away!
PEN says
Thanks! We are in the process of hiring our first one and our top candidate asked to see our handbook…which I don’t yet have :)
Betty says
The interview process is intense and time consuming! Good luck!!
MSJ says
If you have an anon email address I’m happy to send you mine. As well as other general tips
NewMomAnon says
Why are all my clients right now misogynistic jerks?!! I was set to give a presentation next week, and the client who invited me is now demanding that I bring on board two male panelists to *give credibility* to the presentation, or it “isn’t worth doing.” I am one of three local experts on this topic. One of the proposed male panelists literally had never heard of this topic until I explained it to him a few months ago. The only credibility he lends is being a man. Another client kept bugging a male accountant on his file, and every time I suggested reaching out to the female accountant, the client would say she doesn’t “know tax.” I have worked with her for years and referred clients to her. She knows tax.
I’m finding myself dreading work these days…
avocado says
That stinks.
I have two white-haired male colleagues upon whom I routinely call to serve as the token man in the room during my presentations. Both of them are fully aware that this is the only reason I take them along. We laugh about it.
Pogo says
token man, omg. So true.
Anonymous says
That’s the worst. Sorry you have to deal with that.
anon says
I just got a call-back for a job. The attorney who called me wants to meet at a coffee shop tomorrow morning and instructed me to be “casual” and wear “what I normally wear,” and she’s “not concerned what I look like.” The problem is, I’ve recently lost 25 lbs, and aside from a couple of nice suits, I don’t have anything casual that fits. I have time to go shopping this afternoon. What would you wear?
NewMomAnon says
I would wear one of your suits, and if you feel like it, let her know that you’ve got something going on at work that required you to wear it. You could just wear the bottom and a nice top, with no suit jacket, if you wanted to be more casual.
Meg Murry says
Yes, I agree with this. If you don’t *want* to wear a suit, a nice top or sweater with suit pants or suit skirt would work and wouldn’t require any crazy shopping. However, if your current job allows for more casual dressing than a suit and you want to get some new clothes, I’d say go for it but don’t make yourself crazy if you don’t find anything you like.
But if suits are typical everyday wear at your current job, I’d just say that. “I know you said no need to suit up, but that’s the standard at my current office, and I have to go in later this afternoon.”
Anonymouse2 says
So odd – what you normally wear to work or normally wear at home? I would work in a blazer, so maybe so attorney casual Friday? For me (in-house) that means dark wash jeans + thin sweater + blazer + heels, or A-line skirt + thin sweater + blazer + boots. Good luck!
Anonymouse2 says
Wait, wait, how about a casual dress like in the picture? And boots and a blazer (you know it was coming!)?
EB0220 says
I read it as “Wear whatever you’d be wearing anyway. Don’t feel like you have to wear a suit if you don’t usually.” I don’t read it as an instruction to dress down. necessarily.
Pogo says
Same, wear whatever you’d wear to work. If you normally wear suits, I don’t think you need to buy something special.
NewMomAnon says
Big kid bed questions!
First, how do you dispose of a crib? Unfortunately, the bottom slats are sagging pretty badly so I don’t feel comfortable donating it – I don’t think it’s safe for a baby anymore. I’ll try to donate the mattress, which is really nice and has a waterproof cover.
Second, I’m looking at the Naturepedic mattresses. They are relatively expensive, so I’d like to get a platform bed so I don’t have to bother with a box spring, etc. Any suggestions for good platform beds that are in the $150-$300 range? I suspect I’ll end up at Ikea but shopping is fun….
And any feedback on platform beds is welcome. I’m a little worried that it might be hard to change the sheets on a platform bed. I’m also worried that not having a footboard might make it hard for a mobile sleeper to keep blankets on the bed at night.
Anonymous says
We got the Busunge from Ikea and really like it. It was extendable from crib to twin size so we started with a crib mattress and waited for a mattress sale to get a great twin mattress. We added a personalized vinyl wall decal to the headboard to personalize/dress it up a bit. Doesn’t need a box spring. Our kid loves the snugly U shaped headboard.
Anonymouse2 says
We put ours out with the trash, disassembled. The top rail on ours warped while disassembled so we can’t sell it ;(. I haven’t yet found a place that wants a used mattress, so that’s going out with the trash, too.
Betty says
A random thought on the crib mattress: We kept ours in our closet for a while, and ended up putting it next to our bed as the “sick kid” bed for a few weeks in December. We had our five year old sleep there when he was sick, but we didn’t actually want him in our bed. Its been great to have around.
In House Lobbyist says
We do this and it has been great. Or if someone has a bad dream or wakes up in the middle of the night it is also useful. Our kids share a room so sometime the healthy kid sleeps there too.
anon says
If you are worried about the covers coming lose, make the bed with hospital corners. Little kids aren’t tall enough to really kick loose the bottom of the bed covers. And in a bigger bed they have more room to roam in the upper half than in a crib.
avocado says
We bought a regular wooden bed frame and put the mattress on slats in lieu of a box spring. When the kid was tiny, we put the rails on the low setting, which made the mattress low to the floor. When she got older, we moved the rails up to the high setting, which enables us to store tons of stuff under the bed in tall boxes. The footboard keeps the covers tucked in. The whole setup has worked so well that I don’t ever plan to get her a box spring.
Update - Drowning says
Some of you may remember my post from last month about how I’m drowning with a demanding job, a sleep-challenged 14 month old, and plans to start TTC number 2. Many of you advised reconsidering our TTC plans for a little while. My husband and I discussed it at length, and despite my initial reservations, we decided to wait at least another month or so and just try to focus on keeping all the other balls in the air in the meantime.
Well, I took a pregnancy test this morning because my period was late (though I was certain it was still just cycle irregularities following my miscarriage in the fall), and it says I’m pregnant. It’s not totally impossible, but it’s pretty dang unlikely based on the timing of everything. Could this be residual pregnancy hormone from before my miscarriage (had a D&C in early November)? Or am I really pregnant?
Anonymous says
You’re probably actually pregnant. This is what happened to us with baby #1. We pulled the goalie right before my DH went on a business trip, thinking it was too late in my cycle for anything to happen, but no risk because we wanted to get pregnant anyway. Turns out I ovulate way later in my cycle (or possibly twice a cycle) than the ovulation tests would indicate.
Pogo says
How far along were you at the D&C? Did they tell you your HCG level at that point? I’m surprised they didn’t test it out of your system in the weeks afterward.
Update - Drowning says
I was 9 weeks at the time of the D&C, but it was a missed miscarriage and the baby’s heart stopped around 7 weeks (in case that makes any difference). I never heard anything about my HCG levels, though now I’m kicking myself for not asking. No follow-up tests after the procedure, just a check-up.
Pogo says
The only way to know is going to be a blood test at the doctor, and then repeat blood test to see if the level is increasing or decreasing. I had a friend who had an ectopic and her levels were elevated (high enough for an at-home test to pick them up) for some weeks.
So I wouldn’t rule it out either way unfortunately – could be real, could be lingering. At 7 weeks your HCG could be pretty high and I think it totally depends on your metabolism how fast you’d clear it.
GCA says
Oh- congratulations! There’s a good chance you might be pregnant. How are you doing? How would you feel if you are indeed expecting?
Update - Drowning says
Thank you. My emotions are all over the map today. I’m confused about whether I’m actually pregnant. I’m cautiously excited about being pregnant (this child is very much wanted, despite my complaints about being too frazzled with life), but also terrified of losing this baby too. And dreading the next couple months of constantly worrying. It’s a very different feeling than when I had my first – I had miscarriage fears then too, of course (what first time mom doesn’t?), but nothing serious or grounded in any kind of reality.
It’s been a wild 6 months between finding out I was pregnant, losing the baby, getting ready to try again, then deciding to wait, and now finding out I may be pregnant anyway. I can totally understand why some people advise waiting several months after a miscarriage before trying again, because this emotional rollercoaster is a lot to handle.
pockets says
This is late but I literally just read like 20 pages of answers to this exact question on some baby forum. It can be leftover pregnancy hormones – some of those responses said it took them 11 weeks for the pregnancy hormones to go to zero. Normal seems to be 6 weeks, so 7 weeks is not crazy. The only way to tell is to get serial bloodwork.
TTC + Travel says
Any advice on TTC while you and your partner both travel for work? My husband and I both have hectic jobs with travel schedules. I’m normally gone 1-2x per month, and he’s gone 3-4x per month. My travel will slow down some in April, but we’re still apart a decent amount and it almost always seems to be when I’m ovulating. I feel like I may have to just go with him on some of his business trips at some point, but I don’t always ovulate on the same day, so that’s tough to plan, and that just seems expensive and time-consuming (and a little crazy).
Anyone been in this situation before and how did you handle it?
Pogo says
“how did you handle it?” Not well.
I feel like I went super Debbie Downer yesterday on IVF, so I won’t go there on travel + ttc too (we did it the regular way for 15 months first, of course, with no luck). But it was hard. I cried a lot.
I did visit my husband one weekend so we could be together for a couple days in between multiple back to back trips for the both of us. It was our last weekend together before something really sh*tty in our lives happened (unrelated to ttc) and I do very much treasure the memory of that weekend. I would absolutely advise if you have the means (which if you travel as much as we do you have plenty of miles!) – aside from um, trying to procreate a lot, it helped us connect as a couple.
Anon for this one says
I experienced this when we were TTC our second. Husband traveled every week Mon-Thu. I basically jumped him when he got home on Thu and made sure to try at least 2 more times over the weekend. It helped me to know when I was ovulating, so I could decide when to be more aggressive about it vs not really pushing. It took longer with #2 (about 8 months vs 2 months with #1) but that was fine. I was not at all an anxious TTC-er, though, which probably helped. I think my period was 2 weeks late with my first pregnancy before I thought to test.
Anxiety says
Once you’ve been tracking your cycle a month or two, you’ll be able to pinpoint your most fertile days and then you can both try to nudge work travel a little to coordinate. I was a consultant and could usually start a trip a day after colleagues or come home a day early if I told them I had an important personal commitment (I hadn’t abused that kind of request previously so they were ok with it from time to time). If it had taken longer or if I had needed to do IVF, my husband and I would have needed to be more transparent (ideally with our bosses, but if not, HR can help you strategize).
NonSAH says
I can’t tell if this is a question or a whine. My husband stays at home with the kid. It’s mostly really great, and enables me to do a lot. I travel ~1/4 time for work, so it’s nice to know that there’s someone sure to be available for all the parenting stuff. And he cooks dinner and does groceries/cleaning/laundry and all that.
But! Kid *is* in daycare/preschool during working hours, so H could work. But he says, “if she’s sick, or if you’re out of town, or if I had to work weekends…” so he doesn’t. And frankly, his industry doesn’t pay that much so if he was working it’s not like there would be so much extra money that the scheduling problems would be easy to solve.
However. When the kid IS sick I almost always end up picking her up from school. There’s always a reason: the plumber was at the house, I had the car at work, whatever. Tomorrow, she’s sick and H has to go to the doctor (routine bloodwork, not sick) so I’m ‘working from home’ with a sick kid in the morning. And all the dumb preschool stuff, valentines and contributions to potlucks and all that, it always falls on my shoulders because I’m “the mom.” And it just starts to feel like … what’s the point of having a SAH spouse if I am still constantly called away from work by parenting responsibilities?
Anonymous says
So much sympathy. This is arrangement with a totally unbalanced set of responsibilities. ‘Because you’re the mom’ is BS. Your DH doesn’t ‘stay home with the kid’, he ‘stays home’ period. Cut childcare to part-time for socialization. Why can he not just take kid along to the doctor’s appointment? Zero dads with SAHM wives are doing the double duty that you’re doing.
NonSAH says
In a bit of his defense, the I’m ‘the mom’ comment is really my own thinking/caring about other people’s opinions. He stands to lose no face at daycare if we bring in a box of oreos for the potluck, but I do.
Your point that dads with SAH wives don’t do this is so true. My male colleagues with wives who stay at home with the kids definitely miss much less work for kid stuff than I do.
Meg Murry says
Have you directly told him that? My husband handles most of the kid stuff, but I have pointed out to him that even though it’s unfair, if *he* forgets about the school events, or if the house is a mess, etc, *I* feel like everyone is judging *me* for failing, not him.
Did he ask you if you could stay home with the kid, or just tell you “I have a doctor’s appointment and kiddo is sick, you need to stay home with her in the morning.” I feel like if he asked you and you agreed to be the one at home, you are partially to blame for not saying no or suggesting he try to reschedule his appointment. But if he’s just informing you that you have to be the one to do it because he “can’t” – you need to have a conversation about what that means and how it’s frustrating you.
Even having a SAH spouse doesn’t get you 100% off the hook for taking time off for parenting duties, but I’d agree it should be more along the lines of 75/25 , not with you doing the brunt of it. That said, he’s obviously handling it when you are traveling, so is there any chance you *both* are feeling like you are picking up too much slack from the other? Like he actually is picking her up and dealing with stuff during the weeks you are traveling, and you just aren’t mentally counting that since you weren’t there to see it?
Last, is the daycare defaulting to calling you first instead of him? If that’s the case, you need to re-train the school – which for me involved having them stick a note on my son’s emergency contact card that said “Please contact us in the following order: Dad’s cell phone (number), Home phone (number), Grandma (number), Mom’s cell phone, Mom’s office, etc”. Because the form listed “Mom” first and “Dad” second, and they *always* called my office and cell phone before trying my husband, even though they knew full well that my husband worked from home and I worked 60 minutes away.
NonSAH says
Thanks for this detailed response.
Daycare is onsite at my job, and we only have one car, so it does make sense that they call me first, but… really we should get another car, at least.
I think the stuff about when I travel and he does all the work is a good point. Though on weekdays she still goes to preschool, so in my mind he has all this enviable down-time. Though I know he spends a lot of it on managing the house.
And you’re right about the appointment too. He said, “I really want to get the bloodwork done before [date] because [valid reason] but [sick kid + plumbing drama]” and I said, “ok I guess I can work from home tomorrow morning.” Though I really wish he had volunteered to reschedule.
Now I’m really outing myself, but my therapist has been gone for a month and I miss her, because I think she’d help me get my head on straighter about all of this.
NOVA Anon says
Were I you, I would be very frustrated. This sounds totally unfair to you. No personal experience, but I would suggest not making this into a *thing* by having a big drawn out discussion with your spouse; instead, I would just make gradual small changes. Start with the preschool stuff – he should absolutely be doing that. For example, every time preschool asks for something, ask him to do it – “hey, this note says we have to bring in Valentines for preschool next week; could you pick some up/make some with DD so we can bring them on date X?” Maybe you’ve already tried this – but if not, that’s what I’d do.
NonSAH says
I appreciate this advice too. And when I’m not feeling frustrated, I can admit he does deal with a lot of the regular preschool nonsense — the constantly rotating emergency supplies, remembering to pack new wipes or backup clothes in her bag when they need them, packing almost all the lunches — it’s just the one-offs that seem to fall on me.
I’ve resisted asking him to do a specific thing because remembering it and figuring out what to do seems like the hardest part, but maybe it’s necessary as a start.
NewMomAnon says
Honestly, if there is a handout from preschool, just give it to him and ask him to handle it. “Hmm, looks like preschool needs valentines. You’re on this, right?” Hand him the sheet, discussion over.
avocado says
I travel about 20% and have never had a stay-home spouse. I do all the mom stuff too. Your husband can totally have a full-time job.
Anonymous says
This happened to me, while my kiddo was 6 months old. I divorced my then-H, and began being a single mom by the time my kiddo was 9 months old. Your H is doing zero favors for you right now. Why are you paying for his super easy life?
NonSAH says
Really? Divorce him?
Anonymous says
I mean he was incredibly abusive too. Sounds like you have the suggestions you need on here.
NonSAH says
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.
Anon for this says
What about a part-time preschool that’s closer to home and cheaper? You’d probably have to get a second car, so it may end up being a wash financially,
We’re both working now, but my H is considering retiring in a few months. He’s in law enforcement, so can retire ‘early’ with a pension that would be reasonable in other parts of the country, but isn’t that grand in our HCOL area. We’d be fine on day to day expenses, but it would probably cut into savings and travel.
I think he’d want to keep our toddler in daycare still, but unless he’d also be doing something that generated income at least part-time, I’d rather she switch to something less than full time — either half-day preschool or a few full days. Right now I pay for daycare directly, because I make more money, so I don’t think he sees it as an expense.
NonSAH says
One interesting twist — about which I really can’t complain — is that our on-site daycare is heavily, heavily subsidized by my employer. To the point that I don’t think that taking her to something even very part time would save money.
But I wonder if we just bought the damn car — we would certainly feel it in our budget, but it might be worth it for a more even distribution of responsibilities.
EB0220 says
I think you should definitely get a 2nd car. You may also want to reconsider your daycare. Onsite daycare at your office makes it much easier for that default parenting stuff to fall on you. I have one child in onsite daycare and one child in daycare near our house (with a WFH spouse) and it as amazing how much more stuff husband handles for the kid in daycare near our house. Drop-off, pickup, parties, etc. With the kid onsite at my office, I do literally everything. Also – I know it’s hard – but I think this advice follows that of letting your partner do things his way. If he’s bringing Oreos to the Valentine’s potluck just go with it. In my experience, no one knows what anyone else brought and there are plenty of chick fil a trays/chips/gogurts etc. Just go with it. I definitely wouldn’t be judging. Ultimately, this doesn’t sound that terrible to me. But my spouse now has two jobs so I do almost everything with the kids and around the house right now.
NonSAH says
I appreciate this perspective. I worry in particular that since the daycare is at work, my coworkers are the people who are potentially judging me. You really don’t think that’s the case?
Cookie Harpy says
I would actually be less judgmental of coworkers than I would be of random people I don’t even know. And I’m really not judgmental of anyone other than myself. But I know and like my coworkers and I know that their lives are hectic like mine, so I’m definitely willing to cut them some slack. And I say that as the person who told a story about flying into a rage about my husband not wanting to eat one of the homemade cookies I made for the daycare cookie swap a few weeks ago. So trust me, I get it. But we are both partly doing this to ourselves.
In House Lobbyist says
I will just add that you need to think about what happens when your child goes to school. Your husband will expect you to continue taking care of things and it gets way more complicated. I have a stay a home spouse and kindergarten stuff is much more crazy. I used to do all the planning/note writing/taking stuff to school because I liked it but I had to let some of that go. Now either one of us knows where all the gear is and what our son is supposed to take to school each day. I got the Cozi calendar app and it sends a weekly email to us both and will send individual alerts for things like appointments and one offs. My son is in school full time and daughter is in 2 day a week preschool.
EB0220 says
My kiddo started in the two year old class and we’ve had a few events since then. People have brought all of the items I mentioned above plus pre-prepared fruit/veggie trays, takeout orders from various places, store-bought cookies and cupcakes. I know that onsite daycare can be a weird combination with kids and co-workers. Ultimately, I think the dads don’t care and the moms know you don’t have time for that Pinteresty sh*t. (The moms will also be jealous of your SAH partner.)
PrettyPrimadonna says
This is a lovely dress.
POSITA says
I saw it in the store last weekend and it looked super wrinkly and poorly made. Maybe it would improve steaming and clipped threads, but I’m not sure about this fabric.
Anonymous says
I’ll probably post this again tomorrow because it’s late, but…
We have 3 kids in carseats (or two car seats and a booster). We have a minivan and a recalled diesel VW for which we’re taking the buyback.
What to get as a 2nd car? My husband is campaigning for a 3-row SUV or crossover, but I think another sedan would be perfectly adequate and would have a lower cost to own because of better gas mileage. If we’re going somewhere as a family, 9/10 times we’d take the minivan anyway because minivans are the best invention ever. The 2nd car will be husband’s commuting car (15 miles each way, highway, but with traffic). We have carseats that will fit three-across in the back seat so husband can still do daycare drop-off or pick-up as needed.
Are there advantages I’m not considering to having two “family sized” vehicles?
Momata says
We have one SUV for primary family trips and husband/daycare commuting, and a sedan that I use for my commute that also can take the entire family if needed. It works well for us — saves on gas and leaves us one “adult” car, but also allows me to pick up kids at daycare occasionally. We’ve had this arrangement for a few years and I have zero complaints. (Plus I don’t have to drive a bus.)
Anonymous says
What about a mazda 5? Drives like a car but sliding doors like a minivan. We have a larger minivan and a sedan. I find it’s a pain to load three across in the sedan especially in winter with all the winter gear. I’d love to switch to two mazda 5’s.
POSITA says
Isn’t the Mazda 5 being discontinued?
Anonymous says
I’m in Canada – I didn’t realize it had been discontinued in the states.
POSITA says
We’re planning one family car and one sedan. Our family car is currently a VW diesel SportWagon. We don’t know what we’ll replace it with once we do the buyback, but we have a couple of years to decide. We’re currently considering a Chevy Volt or Toyota Prius for the sedan. FYI – the Volt likely wouldn’t fit three car seats in the back because of the battery hump.
(We bought the VW diesel for its fuel economy, if that is important to you.)
PinkKeyboard says
We each pay for our vehicles out of our own money so we go with our car, our choice as long as it can accommodate the family. My husband is in construction so he drives a HUGE truck, 2500 HD with the 8ft bed. He did take one for the team and sprang for the crew cab so it has a full second door and spacious backseat. It takes up the entire driveway BUT it will easily accommodate 2 car seats and could take 3.
shortperson says
priusV? good mileage for trafficy commutes, extra space for 3 kids.