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I decided recently that this is going to be the time when I invest in a skincare routine. To say that my current routine is low maintenance is an understatement. However, at this point in my life, the skin on my face definitely needs more TLC than it did previously. I went to Sephora last weekend and asked for a few samples of things that caught my eye, and this is one of the samples where I am buying the full-sized version when my sample runs out. This brand is “natural” (I am using that word in quotes because there’s not much regulation in the beauty industry, and there’s a lot of wiggle room and a spectrum of what people consider natural) and “organic” (same caveat applies, I assume). Anyway, my skin soaks it in, and I wake up with a more even and brighter complexion. This price point seems reasonable to me based on the range of things I saw at Sephora that day, and for how it is helping my skin right now it seems totally worth it. It is $50 at Sephora (and the brand is pronounced Coe-da-lee, thank you for the heads up, Forever35 podcast). Vine[activ] Overnight Detox Oil This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
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- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Artemis (paging Friday's responders) says
Thank you to those who responded to my plea about the “blahs” on Friday. I read the responses on Friday but was already pretty grumpy and had a typical up-and-down weekend–by my kids’ bedtime last night I just wanted everyone to leave me alone! I re-read the responses this morning in a much better frame of mind and I see where I can make some changes in perspective based on your advice, so thank you!
Advice needed says
I’m struggling with breastfeeding. My baby is now almost a month old. Breastfeeding was slightly painful from the start (especially when she first latched on but the pain subsided after a bit), but I thought it was manageable and in line with what many women experience. Then two weeks ago I noticed a crack in both my nipples. I went in to see the lactation specialist at the hospital to work on my latch and get advice on healing. She and my pediatrician said I should visit an ENT specialist to see if her lip tie was too tight. I went to the specialist and had this area clipped. My OBGYN also gave me a prescription for APNO cream to help with healing. Since then I have continued to pump and bottle feed periodically throughout the day to give my breasts a break and reduce pain. I’ve been using hydrogel pads as well and motherlove cream. But it’s been two weeks and it’s still hard to tell if the cracks are healing much. Has anyone else experienced a similar problem?
Breastfeeding isn’t that painful since I’ve been able to pump as well, but my nipples still hurt at other times during the day. I called the lactation specialist again to try to find out what more I could do or how long the healing process might take, but she didn’t have much else to say other than encouragement. She said that because breastfeeding pulls on the area of the cracks, it might just take a long time to heal but she didn’t give me any range to expect. I really just want to know how long I will have to wait or when I should consider other options or what else to do – when can I think about supplementing with formula? No one brings this up and seems to think I can keep pumping forever, but it’s hard to pump enough when my baby needs attention and doesn’t always go down for naps. I can’t pump and hold my baby at the same time. It’s been tough. I would like to keep breastfeeding but I don’t know how long I can keep doing this routine. I appreciate any insights you might share that could help.
Anonanonanon says
You can supplement with formula whenever you want. I hereby give you permission. I have always taken the approach that BFing was important for the antibodies etc., and that even if my baby was getting formula sometimes they were still getting those. You can be pro Bmilk without being anti-formula.
I also hereby give you permission to decide that this is not for you. If you start pumping and supplementing and realizing that you are feeling much better about life, that is OK too!
I’m sorry if this isn’t what you’re looking for, but one of my biggest regrets from my first child is trying too hard for too long to fight through the pain of BFing. It was the opposite of bonding, I dreaded seeing my baby come to me when it was time to eat, and that’s not how I want to feel about my baby.
Anonymous says
+1 million to being pro-breastmilk without being anti-formula. I supplemented with formula before we even left the hospital, but still had plenty of milk and ended up primarily breastfeeding for 6 months and breastfeeding for almost 2 years in total. I’m not at all convinced it was worse for my baby than my friends that whose babies never had a drop of formula were weaned on the day they turned 1. Presence of breastmilk matters way more than absence of formula, imo.
Anonymous says
*but were weaned
just Karen says
I want to co-sign this times a million. I was exclusively pumping for my premie, and the day I *had* to stop to get back on antidepressants was one of the hardest of my life, but was a huge turning point for me – it is 1000% okay to feed your baby formula. He or she will thrive, and the extra bonding time with you will be wonderful. Do what works best for YOU and your family.
lawsuited says
+1 It’s the presence of breastmilk rather than the absence of formula that is beneficial for babies. Try pumping 3 or so times a day (whatever is manageable for you, but I found my supply was best in the morning so I always pumped once after an early morning feed while partner did the burping/settling back to sleep and a second time before my partner left for work), feed your baby whatever breastmilk you’re able to get, and then supplement the rest with formula.
Take care of yourself too. Every baby needs to have a healthy mom as much as they need to be healthy themselves. No one is giving out any prizes for EBFing, so just run your own race and get you and your baby happily to the other side.
Tunnel says
“It’s the presence of breastmilk rather than the absence of formula that is beneficial for babies.” What a wonderful way to put this! I wish I would have had the saying in my arsenal when I was going through the emotional journey of supplementing. It’s easy to look back and say of course supplementing was right in my situation, but in the moment it is an emotional decision. OP – there is nothing wrong with supplementing and don’t let anyone make you think otherwise!
Anonymous says
Just want to add that this was my experience, too. I needed to supplement with both my kids. The first time, it was emotional, physically draining (trying to pump on top of nursing), and generally miserable. I look back in that time with sadness that I didn’t enjoy my son more. My second (a month old today) has been way less stressful nd I have enjoyed my time with him a lot more, because I just supplement and am fine with it. Honestly, I do still have sadness that EBF didn’t work but the sadness is less that the torment I went through to try to resolve breastfeeding issues.
My friend who dealt with something similar to you was told to pump one side and nurse one side to let her heal. She had to supplement with formula a little, but only for a week or so and then nurses until her baby weaned.
Anonymous says
Try a nipple shield. LCs can be judgy about them, but I’ve been BFing for 9 months with one and wouldn’t have lasted more than 2 weeks w/o.
Advice needed says
In your experience, do you have to pump after using the nipple shield to keep up your milk supply? The lactation specialist said that nipple shields can prevent you from producing enough milk because it doesn’t stimulate you in the same way, so she recommends pumping afterwards, which seems like a hassle. Just wondering if that’s been true in your experience. Thanks!
HSAL says
With my first I used the nipple shield our entire 7 months of breastfeeding. It didn’t impact supply as far as I could tell. With my twins I used a shield exclusively for the first few weeks and then weaned off with no supply issues. Even if there’s a risk of it impacting your supply, what you’re doing now just doesn’t seem sustainable. Good luck!
Anonymous says
When I used the shield (for maybe a few weeks?), I did not pump after. I did introduce two pumping sessions a day to boost supply in addition to feedings. But I definitely did not pump after every single feeding!
Hugs. I never had cracks, but I had milk blisters/blebs and clogged ducts and mastitis. So painful.
For holding baby while pumping, I would sit in the rocker and put my feet up on the ottoman with baby laying on my legs (so he was facing me, laying at an incline). It’s not the best, but it worked. I also tried to let him cry sometimes, but I could never do it. Some EP moms told me that they just had to let kiddo cry while they pumped but I could never really do it – so sometimes I’d stop pumping to tend to LO.
Anon at 9:49 says
Not true at all for me. I didn’t pump until I returned to work at 4 months, and then I only pumped to replace missed feedings. I never pumped directly after a feeding. I had massive oversupply until 6.5 months when my supply suddenly plummeted because of a thyroid disease and the associated weight loss (I lost about 15 pounds in a month, totally unintentionally). My disease is mostly under control now and I’ve regained most of the weight, and my supply is better but not what it was before (although baby is eating a lot of solids now, so it makes sense). We did supplement with formula beginning when my supply dropped and never stopped supplementing, because even when my disease was under control I’d gotten used to not having to pump as much or do every feeding and I was ready for DH to take over some feedings with a formula bottle. :)
I’ve done a lot of research about this, because I’m a nerd, and the studies that show drop in supply are all based on older, much thicker rubber shields. The new silicone shields (with a cutout for skin to skin contact) haven’t been shown to reduce supply at all. One of *many* reasons I can’t stand lactation consultants and their campaign to spread misinformation. Another big LC myth is that combo feeding will try up your supply and result in exclusive formula feeding. Combo feeding in the first month or two was perfect for me and lots of other moms I know and didn’t affect my supply at all, and after formula supplementing for the first month of my daughter’s life, I went on to feed breastmilk only for ~6 months (using a shield at all nursing sessions).
Tunnel says
Love your research!
ElisaR says
nipple shield did not affect my supply. My baby was entirely fed from ONE breast for 6 months (3 of which i used the shield). Due to prior surgery on my breast I could not feed/expel milk from one side.
Artemis says
+1 to both posters above and their suggestions.
Another thing to try–are you wearing pads in your bra in between sessions, for leaking? If you aren’t, start, even if you’re not leaking, and if you are, splurge on really good soft ones (I used Lansinoh and loved them) if you aren’t already. When I had cracks, using the cream plus pads all the time really helped them heal faster. Kind of like a bandaid, the best you can do. Also squeeze out some extra breastmilk at the end of nursing or pumping and massage it into your skin and the cracks in that area, then let dry and immediately cover with the cream and pads.
Artemis says
Sorry, just saw that you are using pads already, switch types if you still want to give it a try.
Anonymous says
I really liked the Johnson & Johnson ones. I found the Lansinoh ones itchy. Also, IMO, the Medela cream is the best.
Anon in NYC says
I had a really tough start to nursing and used Lansinoh lanolin + pads round the clock. It definitely helped me heal.
Another thing that I did (that may be overkill), but I alternated pumping + nursing sessions because pumping was less painful. I would exclusively pump from the side that needed to heal more, until it was healed enough that I could attempt nursing from that side again. So, I would only pump from my left side for, say, 4 days, and nurse from my right. Then give kid a bottle of pumped milk (or freeze it). After my left side was healed, I’d only nurse from the left and pump from the right.
Anonymous says
You can supplement with formula today.
Anon says
many babies never have any breastmilk and are perfectly healthy. if you are unsure about what formula to choose for supplementing you should call your baby’s pediatrician. i was unable to breast feed and was also exclusively pumping, but never made enough milk and had to supplement with formula from day one. whatever you choose to do will be best for your baby!
ElisaR says
nipple shield was the solution for me. I used it for 3 months until my son just knocked it off one day and fed without it. I didn’t need to use it with my second son (babies close together maybe my n*pples were just tougher?) but it saved me with my first.
One other thought: maybe the baby doesn’t have a great latch. A good lactation consultant can help you work on this but a poor latch will really mess with your N*pples. The advice to just keep at it when you’re in pain is not helpful at all.
ElisaR says
and hey, if you want to supplement w/ formula that’s cool too! A fed baby is what is important.
ElisaR says
also: pumping stinks. I too found it hard to fit it in and make it happen. Once my first son was older I got into the habit of pumping around 10pm right before I went to sleep and then I pumped twice while I was at work in order to get 3 bottles to send to daycare (b-fed the rest of the time). But it took me awhile to get to that point.
Pumping stinks so much that for my second son I didn’t pump. He got formula if he wasn’t feeding from me. Just not worth it for me.
Mrs. Jones says
+1 to ElisaR
2 months later says
My daughter is now 3 months old, and we’ve finally gotten the hang of breast feeding in the last month or so. What helped me in those first, incredibly difficult weeks was
1) Lanisoh Soothies. Put them in the fridge and then on your nipples. They felt fantastic. Also, lanolin cream can help.
2) Supplement with formula. Seriously, give yourself a break. There are benefits to breastfeeding but there are also benefits to being present for your family, which means getting some rest. At some point I asked my husband to do one night feeding and it made a huge, huge difference to me.
3) Boppy pillow with belt. (Pretty sure you have to go to Hogwarts to use a non-belted boppy.)
Hang in there! It will be ok.
Lucky says
I highly, highly recommend Medela “Soft Shields.” They are meant to separate your bra from your skin to allow healing when you are cracked/bleeding, and also allows air circulation. These were a lifesaver to me in the very beginning. I used these whenever baby wasn’t feeding. Right after a feeding, I would rinse the wound with a spray saline solution and use lanolin, then put the soft shields back in. I had horribly cracked nipples right after I left the hospital, and this helped it heal in just a matter of days.
Anonymous says
Wait what!? (To needing a belted Boppy) The Boppy would stay around my waist even when I stood up, and obviously I was breastfeeding sitting down. Maybe it’s just a larger person thing? I’m a size 8-10. But it would never have even occurred to me to get a belt for the Boppy.
2 months later says
My kid would slide down between the boppy and me. I’m about your size (size 10 about 3 weeks post partum). Maybe I wasn’t seating it correctly? The belt solved my problem though.
ElisaR says
yes the Boppy did this for me too – the breastfriend pillow was flat against my belly and had a belt. way better than the boppy for newborn b-feeding. the boppy is good for later on when the baby is bigger and can be used for helping them sit up so it’s not a total waste.
Anonymous says
+1 for the pillow ElisaR recommends until baby is bigger and not so floppy. The problem with the Boppy is that it’s rounded, so a tiny floppy baby will slide down against your body out of position. The flat pillow is much more helpful for the first couple of months.
As far as cream goes, Jack Newman’s cream is a miracle. A compounding pharmacy can make it for you by prescription.
2 months later says
When did everyone switch to the boppy? When the kid can sit? I’d love some guidance/experience here.
Anonymous says
I was able to switch to the boppy by 2.5 – 3 months.
Tunnel says
My Brest Friend nursing pillow (which is belted) was 10000x better than the boppy for me!
Knope says
So it stood out to me here that you said your nipples hurt at other times in the day too. This signals to me that it’s possible that your pain may be coming from something other than the cracks. Definitely do what the other posters said to try to heal them, but if you’re still experiencing pain, two things come to mind. First, if you are still pumping, make sure your flanges fit appropriately and that you’re not using too strong of suction. Second, are your nipples discolored at all – i.e., looking white or purple when you are feeling pain? If so you may have circulation issues that are causing pain. Unfortunately I don’t have a great recommendation for this, but I struggled with it too. Warming gel packs helped give me some relief, but it wasn’t preventative. I just kind of muscled through until my child was nursing less often.
Anonymous says
Also, if they’re pink and kind of burning, it might be thrush. Thrush bothers me when I am not nursing.
Anonymous says
Going topless (like nothing at all) plus BM on my nipples helped my cracks. Covering can keep them too moist which can make it hard for the cracks to heal. Just like a cut anywhere. I used medela lanolin before and after every feed for the entire year that I BF’d.
Don’t talk to the LC on the phone, have them actually see what you look like and how baby is latching. Latch may still not be right. My middle kid took about 6 weeks to figure out his latch. He only get better as his mouth got bigger around that time.
Anonymous says
+1 on this for me. Not much to add but I am here to tell you that it eventually gets better, especially once they start spending less time nursing and get bigger.
Anonymous says
You can supplement with formula whenever you want. Yes, if you do it too much it will affect your supply, but you get to decide if that matters to you. It’s okay if that doesn’t matter to you. It didn’t matter to me. And a bottle here or there should not make a difference. It’s true baby’s suck/latch will probably improve as she gets older, but you are the one who gets to decide how long is the right amount of time to keep having cracking and pain or keep dealing with pumping. It’s totally okay to decide you are not okay with lots of pumping — for me, it took away time I had to be with my child on leave, he would scream the whole time, and made me super resentful of him.
anonymous says
I also had a lot of pain when i first started breastfeeding and would alternate breastmilk and formula, just because some times it was just too painful to breastfeed and my daughter was born early so she had to eat constantly to get her weight up. The pain ended up subsiding after a week or two and i did primarily breastfeed for a good 6 months (and then mixed formula and breastfeeding up until a year). it was all fine! Sometimes i would pump instead but sometimes i wouldn’t, and again, it was fine. my supply was okay – not the best but it was okay. It also helped that because my daughter was born early and small, the hospital made me supplement with formula from day 1 so that really took away the stigma of it. dont overthink it – do what you need to survive. you can always get back on track – i would just make sure you do keep on breastfeeding with some regularity but yes, breastfeeding is sometimes painful, even if nothing is really wrong. your breasts are not used to be constantly used and it takes some time to get used to.
LizzieB says
I had cracked nipples with my second baby for reasons unknown – the lactation consultants couldn’t identify any issues with our nursing form or physical issues with the baby and still my nipples were cracked and bleeding for months. I understand what you mean when you say that it hurts when you’re not nursing – mine hurt all the time. What finally helped them to heal was allowing them to dry out after each feeding. I used a hairdryer on a low cool setting for a minute or two and then wore the Medela soft shields under my clothes since I couldn’t just walk around topless all day. I also slept topless when possible to let things really air out. If I hadn’t breastfed my first and known how easy it could be, I would have 100% given up. I was glad to have powered through until the pain subsided, but want to reiterate that whatever you choose re: nursing, formula feeding, combo feeding, etc. is absolutely OK. There is no single right way to feed a baby and it’s fine to say, screw this, it’s not worth the pain. You’re doing great, mama!
Delta Dawn says
You have a lot of really good advice here. You’re doing great! Have you tried a different lactation consultant? Besides the one at the hospital, you might book a session with a private IBCLC. These are different than the hospital LCs. You’ll probably have to pay for the session, but for me, it was a night and day difference. Your nipple pain sounds to me like baby may have a shallow latch. Like baby is only on the tip of your nipple rather than taking the entire nipple plus some areola into her mouth. My hospital lactation consultant did not help me solve this, but the IBCLC I hired took my baby in one hand, my breast in another hand, and basically smushed my baby onto my breast so that he got a deep enough latch. Before that, my nipples were cracked and bleeding and hurt all the time. For me it took very hands-on help that I personally could not get from the hospital LCs. Like you, I wanted to keep breastfeeding but was not sure I could continue with the pain. The right IBCLC was a game changer for me.
Anonymous says
When do kids normally say words with meaning? My 7 month old babbles very clear two syllable “da-da”s and “ba-ba”s but they don’t seem to mean any one thing, and I always thought that using these sounds as real words (eg, da-da consistently refers to dad) didn’t come until more like 9-10 months at the earliest, and 12 months wasn’t unusual. But lately I feel like I’m seeing people everywhere (both real life friends and people on Babycenter, etc.) saying that their 6/7/8 month olds are “saying” mama and dada or have already said their “first words.” Do people have different definitions of what counts as first words? Or is my baby not doing as well verbally as I thought? I know, I know, run your own race and all babies have an individual timeline etc., but my kiddo is definitely behind on physical stuff and I was taking solace in the fact that (I thought) she was not at all behind on verbal stuff.
anon says
People have varying standards for what counts. I would just disregard.
There’s no such thing has being behind on verbal stuff at 7 months. That’s not a thing. They don’t really start counting verbal milestones until 18 months at the earliest, and really don’t pay attention until 2 yo. (With the minor exception of a kid that isn’t making any sounds or doesn’t respond to noises.)
Anonanonanon says
My kid is 7.5 months old and has been making the “da da” noise for awhile and just started the “mama” noise over the weekend and I 100% do NOT think she is intentionally referring to her parents. Sometimes it coincidentally works out, and I totally pretend she is saying “dada” to my husband for his sake, but they’re just noises.
She can imitate blowing a raspberry and will clap if I say “yaaaay!” so there’s SOME understanding there, but I do not count any noises she makes as words. She also goes “yea” a lot but has literally done that since she was a week old. Yes, sometimes it happens to sound like she’s agreeing to something we said BUT OF COURSE SHE’S NOT!
With my first my threshold was when he would reliably repeat after me, and when he clearly connected the noise/word to the thing or person it represented. That is not based on anything official, just my own standard for what constitutes a word.
tl;dr I don’t think your baby is behind at all, and while I’m sure some children are ahead and may be able to say words, I think the majority of people who say their 7 month old is intentionally talking are BSing
Anon in NYC says
I share the same view of what counts as a “first word.” My kid was a very early talker (like 7 months) and very slow on the physical stuff (didn’t roll until 8 months, wasn’t walking independently until 15/16 months). Her first word was “bye bye” which I knew she understood and meant because she also did a hand wave with it. But, like I said, I’ve always believed that she was on the very early side for talking. Having seen a lot of kids in her daycare classes, many kids are not actually talking at that age. I totally understand your anxiety, but I do think your timeline is probably more accurate and that many people read too much into babble!
ElisaR says
6/7/8 month olds aren’t really saying anything. They’re babbling and parents hear what they want to hear and interpret it as a word. Don’t worry.
AnotherAnon says
Your kid seems totally normal, but if you’re concerned ask your pediatrician. I seem to remember them asking me really early (TBH could have been 12 months) how many words my son had. His first word was puppy, and I think that was around 12 months; everything before that was just babble. Hugs to you: I have to deal with my one-upper friend constantly telling me that her son, who is four months younger than my son, is basically reading at a fourth grade level and dressing himself and walking the dog on weekends.
Knope says
I honestly couldn’t tell you what or when my child’s first word was, because it started exactly as you describe – lots of syllables that sounded like words but didn’t seem to mean anything, until one day it became clear that they did. Like, he said “dadadadada” a lot, but somewhere around 11-12 months he had other syllables too, and still said “dadada” when DH was around, and then also said “mama” when he was upset. It just kind of evolved from babble to words over time. And FWIW ours only said “mama,” “dada” and “ball” until 15 months or so, at which point he added a bunch of other words.
OP says
Thanks all. No her pediatrician is not worried at all (and she does seem fairly concerned about the physical stuff, so I don’t think it’s just that we have an abnormally chill pediatrician). The ped said it’s perfectly normal to not identify any words until the end of the first year or even beyond, and at this age all they really care about is if it seems she can hear us clearly. Her receptive language skills seem pretty good – she can’t really follow more complicated commands like “give me the toy” (although maybe she just does not want to give us the toy, lol!) but she’s very good at clapping or waving on command (without us doing any gesturing) and she clearly knows what “milk” means – she squeals and claps her hands when we tell her it’s time for milk. I myself was not an early talker but was super articulate (at least according to my mom) by age 2 or so. It’s just hard not to compare because I feel like I have so many friends that are really smug about their kids “saying” dada at 6 months, and I feel like maybe I could claim my kid can also say dada, but it would reallllly be reaching.
Anonymous says
If you are interested in getting her to express herself through language earlier than she otherwise might, you could try baby signs. Signing is great for language development, fun, and also adorable.
Anonymous says
Signing is great for communicating with littles, too! Especially true for other caregivers who may not understand the babble language quite as well (baby signs are pretty universal but every baby’s babble is different). Your daycare or nanny may even be willing to get you started and help you keep it up. I think seven months is a little young even for signing, though. Look it up, but that alone may alleviate some anxiety about the situation.
Anonymous says
Please do not worry. “Give me the toy” is not something most 7 month olds can do!
Sarabeth says
Yup. My second kid didn’t do anything like that until after 12 months, and we had started mildly freaking out. By age 2, his language skills were clearly on par with peers and exceeded the relevant milestones.
Also, my first kid was extremely verbally precocious (still is, at elementary age). She didn’t say mama or dada until 11 months or so…but she started saying “pot” and “pea” (nickname for our pet) around 9 months. I don’t *think* it means she loves the pots more than she loves her parents, although she sure did enjoy banging on them at that age.
Cb says
We got the development checklist for 14 months and one of the items was 3-5 words so I think that’s normal. My son is very verbal at 14 months (maybe 30 words) but didn’t say more than dada until 11 months.
Anonymous says
By their 12-month appt our twins were babbling a lot but had no “words” (aka a consistent sound they always made to represent one thing) and their ped wasn’t at all concerned. By 15 months she wanted to know if they had three words, but that could include things like animal sounds or always using “bobo” to mean “cat”, etc. Our very verbally precious toddler friend probably had real words at 7 months, but none of our more typical friends did.
Anonymous says
My daughter’s first “word” was kitty at 14 months, but she applied it to everything she wanted, whether it was the kitty or a bottle or Daddy. It was another 5 months before she would actually start using words with meaning. Our pediatrician was a little concerned, but I actually wasn’t. I was more annoyed at people telling me she was delayed. Her receptive language skills were always very good, and she had a history of hitting milestones late (crawling, walking, etc). Some kids like to try new skills early, others want to wait and think about them first.
Once she started using words, it was only a couple of weeks before she moved on to sentences, and when she moved up to the two-year-old class in daycare she impressed the teacher with her language skills.
ifiknew says
My brother in law’s niece is only babbling at 2 and has no words and apparently no one is concerned.. I always thought 2 was when people started noticing, but maybe not.
anon for this says
Anyone else tired of the grind? The mornings involve getting kids to do their morning routines: eat breakfast, brush teeth, get ready for school/daycare (kids are 4 and 1). All rushed and with lots of reminders and struggles. then I spend most of my day at a desk, only to return home to do the night time routines just hoping that they will be easy this one time. I feel like the only time i get to spend time with my family at home on weekdays are so rushed and stressed. We have fun, but there is always a goal or struggle to get to the next step. How do I change this? Is it just like this when the kids are little? I am trying to find a different job where I can work from home a bit more to save commuting time. Advice? Commiseration?
rakma says
Commiseration here. I’m trying to let the almost 5 year old do some tasks independently, as it makes for a better morning overall, but still found myself walking her step-by-step through eating a bowl of cereal this morning. (just scoop it up and eat it please before I have to walk out the front door and never come back)
I’ve made some tweaks to the schedule that make things go better for us (me). I need to be up, showered, and at least half way through a cup of coffee before the kids are up. The mental boost from that is better than the 30 minutes of extra sleep. (This calculation was very different a year ago!) Also, I’m not a morning person, so finding shoes and picking outfits at night helps with the morning rush out the door. But if you’re the opposite, it might be easier to do those things in the morning and get into bed earlier.
Anonanonanon says
Commiseration.
Are you able to split the grind with your partner, if you have one?
My husband does morning prep drop off unless previously discussed/agreed. I do pickup unless previously discussed/agreed. It is nice to only have to do half of the grind. I’m not a sweaty sleeper so I do my shower at night, because I find the longer I stick around the more likely I am to get sucked into the morning routine.
I think, to a certain extent, there’s really no solution. I did switch to a job with more teleworking/flexibility to come in early and leave early (I do 630-330 fairly often) and it does help some, but honestly the week with small kids is just a slog. I thought it would be better when they got older, but my oldest is 8 so his activity has practice two nights a week which means dragging the baby around on practice nights and scrambling to get homework done on the other nights. I just consider weekdays a wash when it comes to quality time with my children to be honest. If we happen to get some, I consider it a bonus!
The only solution I’ve found is to try to be disciplined about not letting the weekend get eaten up by chores. This means I do more on the weeknights in some areas and let standards slide in others. Yes, the storage room in our basement is not as organized as I’d like, but I wouldn’t have seen my kids all weekend if it was. I also follow the advice of many readers here and outsource, outsource, outsource. Grocery delivery is a big lifesaver for me when it comes to cutting an unpleasant errand out of the weekend.
AnotherAnon says
+1 to alllll this. I only have 1 rn so I often wonder how parents do it with more than one kid. DH does morning routine: I do evening routine. It’s hard but it works for us (I think this is easy for me to say b/c I don’t have the morning routine). I thank DH for doing morning routine and let him commiserate to me as much as he wants via text. After DS goes to bed I do chores so I don’t have to spend my weekend doing laundry. I try to choose outfits and prep lunches the night before. I let my standards slide.
Anonymous says
This is a hard phase- it got a lot better for us once our kid was able to do most self-care with minimal oversight and assistance from us. Once he was independent in the bathroom, could dress himself, could handle showers and teeth mostly on his own, it got much better around age 5. And we outsource cleaning so that we don’t spend time on the weekends doing that.
Anonymous says
DH suggested I do one thing each day that’s just for me. It’s been really helping even if it’s only a 15 minute thing. Sometimes it’s a PSL at Starbucks, sometimes it’s a massage at lunchtime, watching RH of whatever city guilt free, sometimes it’s a long bubble bath in the evening or a yoga class or even a quick HIIT workout. Varying the activity/thing makes it seem like less of a routine. Even if they are all basic white girl – they work for me.
I realized how badly I needed this when right after he suggested this, I tried to tell him that my thing for the next day was having lunch with him. He was like ‘no, that’s for our relationship, you need to do something just for you, not you as a wife or you as a mom’. I had pretty much lost that focus post kids. Small, achieveable ‘just for me’ things make the daily grind less boring.
Karen says
I love this.
Anonymous says
That is sweet. And I agree with the small thing each day. I need that much more than a weekend afternoon or evening with the girls, etc.
Anonymous says
What a great husband to recognize this and hold you to it! It’s a great idea and something that I think men do more easily without prompting. My brother-in-law actually did something somewhat similar for my sister, though your husband’s approach was better. (His was making a point to find a time for her to get in a quality workout once a week as soon as the dr cleared her for it. Not really enough, but it was a start, and it came from a place of love/knowing what makes her happy and healthy, not losing weight, thankfully!)
Emily S. says
Commiseration, here, too. Mine are only 3 and 1, but it does seem to get easier as the older child can do more (dress herself, in particular.) Getting clothes out at night and getting myself ready before them has helped, too, as the above posters said. But the really big thing? Shifting my mindset. If I had my way, my kids would look like a Janie & Jack ad for daycare everyday. But in reality? Primary.com dresses and leggings and unkempt hair, because, it’s a heck of a lot easier. Eggos (at least they are whole wheat) for breakfast, more chick-fil-a in their diet than I would like, etc. — I’ve learned to just let some things slide and say “yes” more often — yes, I can read you that book this AM even though it means I skip my makeup, or, yes, you can have a piece of chocolate after dinner because you’re a good kid, or yes, you can play outside for 5 more minutes with my full attention, even though it means we skip a bath. It’s not an easy mindset to get into, but it feels good to say yes and really be there with them and 10 minutes late than yelling to get moving and setting timers and falling short on enforcing consequences and being 2 minutes late. And hang in there — you’re doing fine, your kids think the world of you.
Frozen Peach says
Oh I FEEL YOU.
It astonishes me how endless the onslaught of things to do can be. My husband just suggested I pick a night and have it be “my night” to skip the evening routine and instead run errands, go out for dinner with a book, or otherwise not be on for our family. My resistance to it, similarly to Anon above, is a great signal I NEED IT.
I wish I had better suggestions. It feels endless. Kat’s tip of never leaving a room without your hands full (to stem the constant clutter redistribution) has really helped me cut down on the daily clutter/trash circles through the house.
EB0220 says
Yes. A couple of things that have helped me. 1) I try to build in a bit of connection with the kids every morning and evening. It helps it feel like less of a grind when we stop and cuddle or talk about their day 1-1 for a few. It seems to also put them in a more cooperative mood. 2) I schedule a babysitter or my husband to cover bedtime once a week so I can go to a workout class. Sometimes even 2 nights a week. I don’t mind the morning or evening but the bedtime routine is very draining.
Sarabeth says
The struggle is real. A few practical suggestions, which won’t fix it, but every little thing helps:
1 – kids eat breakfast at daycare/school. I throw something easy at them first thing in the morning (usually a banana or a pouch of plain yogurt), they eat real breakfast later. Not only does it cut out a step for me, it also means that they don’t get themselves filthy first thing. Which enables:
2 – kids sleep in their daytime clothes. They get dressed the night before. No pajamas live in our house. I only buy them clothes that are comfortable enough to sleep in. My early-elementary daughter is starting to push back against this, and in a year or two I’ll probably have to let it go with her – she already insists on changing her outfit again some mornings. But it still helps, because she only changes clothes if she’s motivated to do it herself. The default is that they are already dressed.
3 – kids do bedtime together. This only started being possible when my oldest started K, which is also when she stopped napping at daycare and started having to wake up by 7 am at the latest. Before that, she couldn’t go to bed early enough to make it work. Since then, however, it’s been great. Often we do bedtime as a whole family, which is our time to connect (because dinner is a sh*tshow of kids hopping up and down from the table, no matter how hard we try to enforce the rule about eating dinner together at the same time). But it also means that one parent can go out and exercise, etc., without throwing off our routines.
4 – this is the biggest one – each kid gets 15 minutes of one-on-one attention from a parent every night. During that time, they get to pick what we do. The only rule is no screens. If both parents are home, we each take one kid for this time, and swap the next night. If one parent goes out, we do it sequentially, usually while the other kid plays in the bath. We have a video monitor in the bathroom so I can watch the younger one like a hawk if he’s in the bath alone; if that doesn’t work for some reason (usually because the older one wants to do something that won’t allow me to supervise the monitor adequately), he gets two episodes of Puffin Rock. This is usually my favorite time of the day, and it has all sorts of larger good effects – for example, when my older kid was going through a phase of wanting to pretend to be a baby all the time, I could tell her that I would play baby with her during “special Mama and Kidname time,” which got me off the hook for refusing to do it the rest of the time (it drove me nuts). Now I usually read her a book; the younger one usually plays with legos. But it means that, at minimum, I get 15 minutes to really connect to at least one kid every day.
Anonymama says
Yes so much to number 4. Having just a short amount of quality time with your kid, where you’re both relaxed and present, helps balance out all the rest of the day when you’re rushing around, and gives you both something to look forward to.
Anon in NYC says
Guys, I just wanted to share that my 3+ year old voluntarily ~and happily~ pooped in the toilet this weekend! Multiple times! This has been such a saga in my household, and we’ve been back in diapers since April of this year after a horrible 10-day withholding period. I’m so hopeful that we can continue to build on this, and that it becomes consistent, and that we can eventually translate this to school / non-home scenarios. Woohoo!
ElisaR says
yayyyy! now that he/she has done it they will know it done – I bet you’ve turned the corner.
AwayEmily says
YAAAAY! I was actually just thinking about you and hoping that things had turned the corner — you gave such good advice for our poop-struggling daughter (who we finally weaned off of Miralax two weeks ago). So happy to hear this.
Anon in NYC says
Aw, thanks! You and CPA Lady gave me hope that there would eventually be the light at the end of the tunnel. Exciting that you’ve weaned your daughter off Miralax!
MomAnon4This says
Um, really glad to read this because my 3.5 year old son is mostly potty-trained but he definitely prefers to poop in his pull-up so I am glad that you are also back-and-forth on diapers and potty. They’ll get there!
anonymous says
Has anyone had PPD/PPA? What symptoms did you have? Did you end up taking SSRIs or anything else? I have had waves of irritability, overwhelm, sadness/crying spells, hopelessness and then also waves of physical tensions, do do do mode, worry and waves of everything being ok and happiness. My focus is terrible now and I have no appetite (silver lining is I lost all the baby weight in just a few months).
I am so torn on what to do, I am just so insanely busy so the idea of making two hours for therapy is too much (or honestly just doing things that will likely help – like exercise or planning fun things to do) and I don’t want to stop breastfeeding to take SSRIs or risk taking SSRIs while breastfeeding. I also feel miserable and like I am not parenting at my best, and feel like something has to change asap.
mascot says
Call your OB- there are BF safe meds and s/he see this enough to be able to help. Meds got me to a place where I could function and have the energy to deal with the rest of it. I did a couple of sessions of therapy and eventually got my balance back. I think I was on Wellbutrin for 4-6 months (I wasn’t BF any longer) and then tapered off. I hear you on feeling busy, but part of that is the PPD/PPA talking. If your kid was sick, you’d be able to find those couple of hours for a doctor’s appointment, right? Give yourself permission to take that time for your own health. You don’t have to go on feeling this way.
Anonymous says
Just make one appointment with a practitioner– you can discuss whether medication might be helpful, risks with BF, whether therapy might be helpful, etc. with someone who has specialized knowledge. You aren’t committing to two hours/ week, stopping BF, or any of your other concerns by just making one appointment.
SC says
Talk to your doctor about the risks of SSRIs during breast feeding. I suffered from anxiety before, during, and after pregnancy (so I don’t have any special insight on the PP aspect). I was taking an SSRI before I got pregnant and stopped during pregnancy. My OB prescribed another SSRI to me after my son was born and did not recommend that I discontinue breastfeeding. She acknowledged that there are risks, but also pointed out the benefits, and I decided to take the SSRI.
If you need it, you have my permission to stop breastfeeding and use formula so that you can take medication for your health. It’s a great thing that the modern world has medications that can help you and formula that can keep your baby fed!
Anonymous says
Call your OB right now, go in, and discuss it.
Anon for this says
Just from reading your message I think you have it– you sound JUST like me before I got help.
Many women don’t need therapy– self-help, exercise, etc. can be just as effective.
BUT YOU NEED MEDS. (Apparently all caps are my thing this morning) PPD/A is caused by chemical changes in your body– sudden shifts in hormone levels that disrupt your seratonin function/process. Meds right the ship. They are safe for breastfeeding. I took Wellbutrin and nursed no problem, and my kid is three and so far hasn’t grown any extra limbs or otherwise shown any signs of harm. You know what I am super confident harmed her? Having a mom who was really, really sick and unable to enjoy her baby months. I regret not getting help sooner because I missed out on so much joy and closeness and bonding, and so did she. Call your doctor today, start the meds today. Your OB can prescribe them no problem. Put therapy down for now, until you get on meds.
Anonymous says
+1 million to this: “You know what I am super confident harmed her? Having a mom who was really, really sick and unable to enjoy her baby months.”
And I’ll add: Being a grouchy horrible wife and partner and modeling really bad relationship dynamics. So…really encourage you to get meds. I was very resistant but wow is it awesome being a nice person again.
OP says
This is the OP. Thank you thank you for this reply, this is exactly what I needed to read. Calling OB today.
Anon for this says
Absolutely. Your response made MY day. The book “This Isn’t What I Expected” was extremely helpful to me too. Hugs. It’s going to get so much brighter so fast.
Anonanonanon says
Not to recommend a specific med because that’s the doctor’s job BUT WELLBUTRIN SAVED ME
Anonymous says
Talk to your OB and PCP. They will know what you can take while BFing.
For my OB, talking to the nurse on the phone she knew exactly what was wrong – it is so common and a good practice should be able to identify it immediately. They had me in the next day, and I was feeling better soon.
I still struggle with the ‘aftermath’ of the anxiety, but it is much, much better.
If you are having specific intrusive thoughts, therapy can help with this. It can help to talk through your anxiety and work out why it is so disabling to you, and also why it is pathological and not a “true” worry. A therapist can also help you develop coping strategies (even if that coping strategy is “don’t read any stories about bad things happening to kids”).
lawsuited says
This will be unpopular and IANAD or qualified to give this advice, but stop breastfeeding. My PPD/PPA symptoms stopped when I weaned and my hormones evened out. It felt to me like the fog that had stopped me from enjoying my baby lifted and I started to feel happy and comfortable as a parent.
For Words with Meaning says
(On my phone– won’t thread) At seven months you’re looking for “communication” not words. If you get irrationally happy about something the kid doesn’t understand, do they also get happy? Do they track your eyes (if you look at something do they also look at it)? Do they point at things they want? Do they wave or reach for you? Do they respond to the tone of your voice (like if you made nonsense sounds happily or sadly or angrily do they seem happy/sad/scared)? Does she copy you?
The next part is “receptive” language. Do they know the names of things? (If you said, here’s daddy when grandma walked in would the kid be confused/upset)? If there were a few toys on the floor and you said “hand me the ball” would you usually get the ball?
My kid said “up” at 11 months until she had us trained that putting her arms up would get her picked up. I was terrified she was “losing” language. Now she’s almost 3 and last week was explaining to her teacher that worms don’t have bones because they are invertebrates.
Work-Life Question says
I posted this on the regular site, but am reposting here to hopefully gets some thoughts from moms who have made choices like this or can give any advice.
I’m considering moving back to BigLaw from a 9-5 type gig because I truly miss the litigation work (it’s a very niche field, so there aren’t many alternatives to BigLaw, and the alternative I found and am working in now is boring). The firm I used to work for has asked me back. My hesitation, of course, is the hours, which is why I left in the first place.
Am planning to have kids in about 2 years. DH travels 3-4 days a week for work but loves his job and will prob be there for the long term. The firm I would go back to is very flexible in terms of work from home and not requiring you to be in the office, as long as you get your work done (caveat that you’re always on call). I’ve found the corporate moms week in the life series helpful for this, but wanted to ask if any of you and your spouse both work in long-hour type jobs, have kids, and somehow make it work? I know we would need lots of help (cleaning service, prob nanny, etc), but I’m struggling with whether it’s worth it to go back to a job I love in substance (with oftentimes crazy hours, not always being able to put kids to bed every night) or stay in a fairly boring job for several years to have the benefit of regular 9-5 hours. Any advice would be much appreciated!
Anonymous says
I worked in Biglaw. Switched to a govt job when I had a kid (not specifically because I had a kid, but there was a huge upside of regular hours). Was bored, but the hours were great, so I stayed for a few years. I just switched to a more intense govt job with longer hours, but feel GREAT. It means that I will have to outsource more / pay for more childcare, etc., but I feel 1000% happier. My advice is to go back to Biglaw, build up your credibility at the law firm, and deal with the life choices / kid stuff when you have an actual kid.
Tunnel says
+1 “go back to Biglaw, build up your credibility at the law firm, and deal with the life choices / kid stuff when you have an actual kid.”
Tunnel says
Adding that you might not know what you actually want to do until you have a kid. I thought I would be absolutely heart broken heading back to my law firm (litigation) career. But lo and behold at 4 months PP I really enjoyed going back to work, the intellectual rigor, and having some time to myself to enjoy lunch! And I also still really love the thrill of (occasional) trials. Turns out staying home wasn’t for me and I feel that I am a better mother when present because of my time away.
Anonymous says
What is the pay difference? I think there is a lot to be said for making as much as you can (while still being happy) before kids. That way, if you find that it is just too much when the kids come, you have a stash (or less debt) to figure out what to do (extra help, different lower paying job, etc.). I also think a few years will be enough time to prove yourself again so that you gain the goodwill necessary for the flexibility you speak of. Also, if you need it down the road, part-time at the firm could be an ideal option. I’d do what makes you happy now, but build a nest egg for if you want to change later so that you have the flexibility. Also, it could take a while to become pregnant. So 2 years could turn into more…
Anonanonanon says
^This. 2 years is a long time in a lot of ways, and it’s “normal” to take up to a year to get pregnant even without complications, which could put you at 3. Go for what makes you happy now, put some money aside, and reevaluate when the time comes. You won’t know how you’ll feel until you’re in it. You may have the baby, take 12 weeks of FMLA, and be dying to go back to your long hours. Or you may be sobbing and saying you can’t imagine leaving baby for a second, much less for 60+ hours a week. There’s just no way to know ahead of time.
Also, you’ll probably need more than one nanny if you both work that much. One person isn’t going to nanny for 60 hours a week. Do you have family support near by? What will you do when nanny is sick or her mom dies and she needs time off or it’s her vacation etc. Obviously you don’t need to have those answers right now, but “getting a nanny” is not as simple as it sounds.
Anonymous says
For reference, I was in Big Law in my 20s when I was married but childless. I absolutely loved the job, so I understand the draw. And I do think a BigLaw salary will allow you to outsource a lot and make this logistically easier. One thing I would caution though is that it’s easy to underestimate the emotional aspects of this. Admittedly, I no longer run in Big Law circles and now live in a small Midwestern city, but I don’t know too many parents (dads included) who would be ok with regularly missing bedtime. My own daughter is in daycare for “only” 40 hours/week and it’s really been a shock to my system how much I hate being away from her that much, and how much I’m willing to forgo things that were previously important to me (happy hours with girlfriends, date nights with DH, etc) so we can spend more time as a family. DH and I still prioritize quality time, but it’s much more often date nights at home after she’s in bed or weekday lunches together, because we don’t want it to come out of time with her. This was a big surprise to me, because I’m really not a baby person and didn’t expect to really enjoy this stage. If your DH plans to stay in a travel-heavy role, you may feel even more of a pull to be at home more and be a more hands-on parent.
I’m not trying to judge parents who work long hours or travel a lot – I realize plenty of people do. I just wanted to share my perspective, which is that I could not have anticipated until I had a baby how much time I wanted to spend with her.
anon says
+1. That’s my biggest problem with some of the advice given to high achievers. Yes, technically anything is possible and you can find a nanny or au pair or whatever — but it doesn’t account for the emotional side at all. If you don’t enjoy being away from your kid, you will likely have a lot of feelings about a job that regularly takes you away from family life.
Anonymous says
I agree that you won’t know how you feel about any of that until you have a kid. But she’s at least 2 years away from having a kid. Once she has a kid, she should make whatever career choice makes sense for her/her family. Maybe at that point, the tradeoff of job boredom for regular hours will be more appealing. Or, she’ll have built up enough good will and credibility at her biglaw firm that she’ll be able to go offline for the evening routine and log back in afterwards.
Lyssa says
I agree with that 100%. I have a relatively comfortable lifestyle job (in house, 8-5:30 or 6, rarely needed otherwise), and my husband stays home with the kids, who, by the way, are really easy kids who are almost never sick or need special attention. It’s still hard in a lot of ways. I can’t imagine how the folks with more demanding schedules manage.
Sarabeth says
Yeah, I posted on the main site but this is what drove my advice there. I just wouldn’t want this schedule, in ways that I wouldn’t have predicted before having kids. I’m super career driven still, but it’s become very important to put boundaries on the time that my career takes me away from my kids. So I’d go for it only if there’s likely to be the option to scale it back again after kids. You may or may not want the option, but I don’t think it’s really possible to know again ahead of time.
The option could be going back to a position like the one the OP has now, or scaling back to part time, or something else – I’m not a lawyer, I don’t know what else might be possible. I do think there is real value in a job that doesn’t bore you, so I take the OP’s reasons for wanting to move seriously. But I’d want to game out the possible futures.
I’m lucky that I am in an intense career but one that gives me a lot of control over my own workflow. I work a lot, but I don’t miss bedtime unless I’m out of town. And I can, within reason, set limits on the overall amount of work that I do. I pass up opportunities if they would take me away from my kids, unless the career payoff is really spectacular. But my impression of biglaw is basically the opposite of that – your time is not your own, and you can’t turn down work without real ramifications.
Anonymous says
So the advice that “2 years is a long time and it may take you a long time to get pregnant” is thrown around here a lot. But the flip side of that is that it takes time to build up goodwill at a job, and you may get pregnant immediately. I had been at my job 18 months when we started trying, and I got pregnant the first month. I leaned out majorly while pregnant and during infancy and was glad that I had built up the goodwill to do that. If I’d been there much less than 12-18 months, I think it wouldn’t have gone nearly as smoothly. So I personally think it’s not crazy to try to get into a kid-friendly job at least a year before you hope conceive. Just my two cents.
Anon lawyer says
My husband currently works in biglaw with an intense travel schedule. it’s not quite as regular as your husband’s (now, he’s mostly out of the country for 1-3 weeks at a time but it’s very sporadic). i was a senior associate in biglaw when i had my first (so husband and i were both in biglaw for a while). i thought that biglaw would be doable and had requested that i would be able to leave by 5:30 every night and work from home after my kid went to sleep, but intentionally did not request to go on a reduced schedule. This wasn’t met with total resistance but it wasn’t exactly embraced. I ended up leaving the firm when my baby was about 6 months (so was only back at work for like 2 months before i went in-house; this ended up being a coincidental good fortune that a job opportunity opened up. i wasn’t actively looking to leave then). So i don’t have a ton of experience actually surviving as a biglaw associate with a kid but in retrospect, i can’t imagine doing it with my husband’s current schedule. Part of it was also that i had and still have a long commute. logistics are hard when you’re the primary and default parent. We had live-in help the first year which certainly made it easier but as others said, you do want to spend time with your kid. But it’s really up to you on what you want to prioritize. i do believe strongly in leaning in while you can but if you are absolutely certain you want kids and have a certain vision of how that looks like (e.g. how much time you are spending with them, if you can do drop-offs and pick-ups, etc), you may want to consider staying put. It should be helpful that you have some built up capital from your previous time at your firm but agree with others that say it is incredibly important to have built a strong reputation and goodwill prior to getting pregnant. i actually intentionally waited to get pregnant until i was a senior associate because i knew many people who had encountered very negative effects of having a baby earlier in their career.
P says
I am a senior associate in Biglaw (up for partner next year) with two kids, and my husband is in a pretty intense job with 6-8 weeks of travel per year–a lot less than yours. No local family. We have full time daycare and an au pair for mornings/evenings/weekend/sick kid coverage so that I can truly be on call for my clients (plus it’s nice to have an extra pair of hands for chasing the little ones). Having an au pair means that you need to dedicate an extra bedroom in your household, by the way. We also have a cleaning service plus everything you can possibly outsource.
Different biglaw practices are different, also different markets are different. It’s manageable for me. Being very senior is huge in my area. I can (sort of) set my own hours. I would not be able to make this work as a junior associate.
Long term I have doubts about whether this arrangement will be sustainable as my kids move into elementary school. But my time in biglaw has given our family a lot of financial flexibility — to the point where if partner doesn’t work out for me, I could consider staying home full time.
I assume that if you go back to biglaw for 5 years or so, you’d be able to shift jobs again down the road?
Anon says
+1 – my reply got eaten, but also a senior associate in BigLaw with a toddler. We make it work because my husband stays home. I use all the flexibility I can to set my own hours and work from home when I can so that I can see my kiddo more. If my husband didn’t stay home, we would need 2 nannies or like the above, day-care + part-time nanny or au pair. Also, the maternity benefits are fantastic.
shortperson says
im a biglaw associate with two little kids and it’s ok. in a lot of ways biglaw is very family friendly. i also work from home a lot and the hours are very flexible. i can go on a field trip or take a kid to the dr without taking a day off. the maternity leave was amazing, the healthcare is amazing, and the backup childcare benefit (bright horizons) for sick days and daycare closures is amazing. on days i work from home i 99% of the time can be there for dinner + bedtime, not matter how how busy i am. ive also stayed in large part bc the work is more interesting than i will find anywhere.
of course, i’m writing this after multiple weekends of hiring babysitters for a large majority of the weekend so that i can do urgent stuff. so it’s not all $$$ and roses. but it works for me. and for my kids. little one is a baby but the four year old gets enough mama time that when we get to a busy month for me at work we have enough goodwill stored. and when i’m gone she gets to build a solid relationship with dad who is great when i’m gone but is, we both agree, a total free rider on my labor when i’m around.
if you think it might work for you dont be scared to try it.
Preschool Open House says
What questions do I ask at a preschool open house?
My son will start preschool next September (will then 3 in July). In our area NOW is when the schools have open houses/etc and accept deposits for the next year.
We are going to First open house tomorrow. Son has had nannies since I returned to work so he hasn’t been in a structured setting like that. He has lots of interaction with other kids thru playgroups/activities/cousins that we see very often. No specific concerns about his development/etc.
Our town also has a lottery system for preschool, but we wouldn’t find out until Spring if he was accepted, so either way we need to make a deposit at one of the private centers.
Thanks!
Anon in NYC says
Ugh, my initial reply got eaten. Here is the abbreviated version:
1. What their teaching philosophy (Montessori/Reggio/Waldorf, etc.-inspired) means in application.
2. Discipline methods.
3. General structure of the day (i.e., circle time, morning snack, activity, lunch, nap, afternoon snack, activity, pickup)
4. Whether they do/do not provide food
5. Teacher turnover
Good luck!
Anonymous says
I’d specifically ask how they help transition kids like your son who have only ever been in a nanny environment. My kids’ preschool has an “ease in” approach, others we looked at do home visits with the teachers…some have no specific transition.
Also ask about what’s expected for potty training, if that’s a concern for you.
Ask about how they prepare kids for the local schools, how they handle snacks/food (ours has crazy restrictions on what can be packed and how you pack it), and get a copy of their schedule (vacation, breaks, etc).
aelle in aerospace says
In addition to the other comments:
– number of students per teacher, and how they handle teacher sick leave (ours have big enough age groups and a low enough ratio that they can shuffle the kids around if one teacher is sick)
– what are their policies when your child is sick (ours will expect you to pick up your sick child within a couple of hours; some friends have a strict one hour timeframe with a 3 strike policy – not compatible with a long or unpredictable commute). Also how soon after a fever or a stomach flu episode can your child return – you may need to plan for a LOT of alternative care options in the first year.
– vaccination policies if it’s important to you (ours require all students to be vaccinated on schedule barring medical reasons, which is what we were looking for)
– what kind of parental involvement / volunteering they expect, if any
– if drop off and pick up time are flexible, what time are other children really there. My child is often the first to arrive and the last to leave even though I don’t find the hours excessive. I wish I had known about this in advance
Turtle - Daycare/Feeding says
DD is 6 months, 100% formula fed since 4.5 months (w/ purees on the side). She gets about 28-30 ounces per day. After she finishes her bottle, she cries until a pacifier is put in her mouth. And once she stops crying, basically instantly thereafter, she’s fine until she’s hungry again 3-4 hours later. I never thought the crying was a sign that she was still hungry. I’ve likened this reaction to be being sad my yummy plate of dinner food is gone, but not actually being physically hungry for more dinner, especially since this sadness is instantly gone once the pacifier goes in (it doesn’t even need to stay in – it’s just makes her stop crying and then she moves on).
Daycare continually reports to us she’s “STARVING” after her bottles. I think they’re reacting to this crying pattern. We’re hearing it constantly from them, so between Friday and Sunday I worked on increasing her bottles to 6 oz during the day (the would-be daycare bottles on weekdays) with the intent of maintaining this higher volume at daycare this week. Even with the higher volumes, she still did the cry/pacifier/calm routine, and then last night after her 6 ouncer at 6pm she projectile vomited with incredibly impressive force. She clearly way overate yesterday and I feel so terribly. She was completely miserable and then got so sick.
When feeding her that last bottle I KNEW she was full and didn’t need it all. But I also had that woman at daycare in my head telling me my daughter is starving. I’m mad that I let daycare influence what my gut was telling me, which was that DD is just fine, and even more mad that it led to just a terrible reaction on her part with throwing up. I already don’t like this daycare for other reasons (on wait list for the preferred one). So, I’m looking for some impartial guidance – is it possible she’s still hungry and daycare is right, or should I stick to my gut? FWIW she’s gaining well, pedi isn’t concerned about anything.
Anonymous says
A couple things – I wouldn’t assume she overate because she puked once. Babies spit up/vomit for all kinds of reasons and a more forceful vomiting could be some kind of minor stomach bug. If she were getting too much at every feeding, I think it would be coming up much more regularly. So I would try not to feel guilty or blame daycare.
That said, I tend to generally agree with you that babies can cry when a bottle is finished, even if they’re not still hungry. Can you ask daycare to try to pick her up, soothe her, give her the pacifier and only give another bottle if she can’t be calmed in a couple of minutes? Also could they give the same volume of milk in smaller bottles? I know that formula fed kids generally go longer than breastfed babies, but 3-4 hours seems long to me at 6 months. Most daycares tend to give infants fairly individual schedules, and should follow the parents wishes on this.
Anonymous says
3-4 hours sounds very normal for a FF baby. Our 2 month old often goes 4 hours during the day. Also cries when bottle is done no matter how large the bottle, and what it means is either he needs to burp or he wants to keep sucking on his pacifier.
Anonymous says
At six months my babies only had a bottle every 3-4 hours. How often are solids being offered? At six months I tend towards offering more solids vs more formula.
If you do breakfast at home, followed by morning snack, lunch and afternoon snack at daycare, that should address any hunger issues.
Anon says
Gently, do you think you might have PPA? I totally understand the annoyance at daycare, but this seems like kind of a dramatic reaction to the fact that your baby threw up. She was not “completely miserable” or “so sick” and she didn’t have a “terrible reaction.” Many babies and kids will overeat at some point and get sick afterwards. Unless there is more than what you said initially, it sounds like she threw up and then was fine (and if in fact she vomited multiple times and/or had other symptoms of illness, then I agree with PP that it was probably a stomach bug and not bottle size. They go around daycares like wildfire and often the only symptom in infants is vomiting). I know that worrying and overreacting to minor stuff like this can be a symptom of PPA/PPD. It might be worth talking to your OB.
OP says
No, I really don’t, but thank you for the consideration. I don’t think I articulated the whole story all that well and left out some details. At the core, I think I’m very frustrated with my daycare for other reasons and am looking for an easy punching bag. Beyond that, DD has been sick with what was ultimately a double ear infection for the last 5 weeks. We are finally nearly in the clear, and Friday night we gave her her last dose of antibiotics after 18 days and two different RXs. It took a long time to diagnose and I’ve been facing her throwing up a lot during this time as a side effect of fever, general not feeling well and the antibiotics – not just spitting but, but serious projectile vomits leading to 2am baths/showers, full changes of clothes and crib sheets, etc, on a handful of occasions in that 5 weeks. I think I’m just mad that (at least in my head) something I did caused her to get sick again. I know she’s a baby, and a baby in daycare at that, so there are many infections, overnight throw ups/costume changes and things like this ahead.
I just feel in my heart of hearts my baby is not hungry and I am resenting someone I already don’t really like telling me I’m not doing enough via not feeding her enough, even after suggestions to put the pacifier in, trying to sooth her in other ways, etc.
Anonymous says
But that’s kind of what I’m talking about. Going immediately to blaming yourself isn’t rational. First of all, you were following explicit instructions from childcare providers who have way more experience with kids than you do (would you feel bad if you followed a doctor’s advice and your kid got sick?) and second, especially if she’s been vomiting from illness already, I guess it just isn’t that clear to me that this a direct cause and effect from the bottle and so I don’t really understand the guilt. I understand that you hate seeing your child sick and it’s miserable for the whole family when a kid is sick, but the fact that you’re so hard on yourself about it really suggests to me that there might be underlying anxiety or depression.
Sarabeth says
I dunno, I get it. I love our daycare, but when my youngest was 8 months and started reverse cycling, they gave me a really hard time about it. At one point they were implying that I’d need to take him out of daycare if he didn’t eat more while there. And it was total BS – he was eating plenty in a 24 hour period. Yes, it sucked for ME that he did most of his eating overnight (it sucked so, so much). But he was perfectly fine. I took him to the ped to discuss the issue, then went back to daycare and basically stared them down. So stressful, though. And if he were my first, I think it might well have sent me down a spiral of anxiety about his health. Having been through it with my first (who had legit eating issues and, at one point, a failure to thrive diagnosis), I was pretty confident in my judgement with the second kid. But it still sucked to spend so much time negotiating with daycare about something that I was 100% sure was not an actual problem, and during that time, it really colored all of my interactions with the daycare staff.
ElisaR says
Curious how many bottles she gets that get her to that 30 ounces a day? Maybe she needs bigger bottles spread out more? I say this bc you mentioned increasing to 6 ounces which sounds like a normal size bottle to me for that age. Is baby only getting 4 ounce bottles? That sounds like a small bottle to me…..
Anonymous says
I’m a little surprised by people saying 3-4 hour cycles at 6mos is long… we definitely did 4 feedings at that age, of 5-6 oz each time. LO nursed at 7am, got a bottle at 11, 3, and then nursed again at 7. He got purees at lunch and dinner, and ate 2x a night, too. But for sure during the day he went 4 hours between bottles.
Anonymous says
I would think if she’s gaining well and ped is not concerned, 30oz should be fine. That is right at the top of the normal range, I think?
However, you could try sending more formula (an extra bottle maybe?) and tell daycare if they really think she’s hungry, they can try giving her that. Presumably, they keep saying that she’s starving because they’re implying that you send in more food?
Also, solidarity in accidentally making your kid puke. I put a bunch of cut up apple on my 15mo’s plate this morning, he proceeded to stuff it all into his mouth and gag on it, throwing up 6oz of milk, a cup of oatmeal, and all the apple. I felt so bad! He got over it before we’d even cleaned him up, but I was kicking myself for giving him all the apple at once, knowing his chipmunk propensity.
anon says
I don’t know what I’m asking here, but is it possible that I have unrealistic standards about what work-life balance looks like? My situation looks good on paper: I work full-time, but can usually leave work at work; I have a helpful-enough partner; we are not financially stressed. I don’t have babies anymore (kids are 8 and 4). But I’m constantly stressed and feel like I can’t keep up. (I really don’t like my job anymore but haven’t found anything new yet.) Life just feels like one big grind, and I have no idea what my purpose is at work or home, other than to keep other people happy and do what needs to be done. By the end of the day, I’m exhausted and don’t have much to give to my spouse or friends. But I’m clearly the common denominator here — so maybe I’m the problem and am just expecting too much?
Yesterday, after 1.5 days of solo parenting and just being OVER IT, I told my DH that I needed a break. I spent 2 blissful hours at Barnes and Noble, just zoning out and reading. It felt really good. And any good effects of that alone time were pretty much smashed when I came home to two fighting kids and the evening grind. I went to bed at 8:30, and DH made a snotty remark about me being tired again. Yep, I sure am.
I feel guilty that I apparently find parenting difficult, and resentful that DH doesn’t experience the over-it feelings that I so often do.
anon4this says
I couldn’t agree more to this. I feel this way ALL the time. Parenting feels so so so difficult. I have a 16 month old and in the throes of morning sickness with another and just i dont know, so unhappy with so much, even though i have a great partner, a great job, no financial stress, a healthy kid etc. I wish I felt happier on a daily basis and hate to be that statistic that happiness decreases when your frist kid is born.
SC says
There’s a lot about parenting that is hard work. So, when “work-life balance” is just going between work you get paid for and the work of parenting, there’s not actually much balance. What helped me was to start carving out regular time for myself. I’ve always enjoyed reading, but I started joining reading challenges and reading a book a week. I also found a class at the gym I really enjoy. And I started reaching back out to old friends, which has brought more joy and made me feel more like myself again (even when it’s just short text conversations).
All of that refuels me so that I can get more enjoyment from parenting. That doesn’t make it all joy. But whether my 3-year-old is cute/hilarious or frustrating/annoying when he delays bedtime by “hiding” under a throw blanket and walking around the house depends a lot on whether I’ve had a chance to recharge.
You mentioned 1.5 days of solo parenting. I think it’s normal to be tired and over parenting by then. If you do more solo parenting than your DH does, it seems normal to me that you’re “over it” more often than he is.
Anon says
When I felt like this (more overwhelmed and exhausted than the situation warranted), I talked to my PCP about it. She felt I might be experiencing some anxiety and depression and prescribed medication, which has helped a lot.
It's a bit extra says
You guys.
1) My cat got suddenly, horribly infested with fleas because my husband forgot a month of flea treatment. Just horrible. I’m covered in bites from wrestling him with the flea comb AFTER a flea bath. We are now in the process of de-fleaing our entire house– washing every linen, rug, stuffed animal, pillow, you name it. I cannot punish him endlessly but I am SO ANGRY. He has apologized. But it’s hard not to say THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT over and over again. If I thought he was actually capable of de-fleaing, I’d make him do it all. But this morning he told me, “let’s just close everything in plastic bags for a week!” Fleas can live for up to 3 months, no problem, without food or anything else. This would do nothing. Meanwhile I’ve spent my whole weekend researching natural pet and baby-safe flea treatments/remedies and accomplishing same. SO I AM NOW AN EXPERT.
2) My toddler woke me up this morning with a surprise. The surprise was she got the Halloween sprinkle canister from the pantry and covered the floor of her room in Halloween sprinkles.
I am at uncle and it’s not even noon on Monday yet.
SC says
1) I’m really sorry about the fleas. We had them a couple of years ago (nobody’s fault), and it was awful. Honestly, if you have the money (we didn’t at the time), I’d hire a professional. I also would use non-baby-safe treatments and stay somewhere else for the recommended time if at all possible. I was unemployed at the time, and we did not have money for any of that. Here are some recommendations.
-Once you wash every linen, stuffed animal, etc, seal and store as much as you can. Minimize the amount that can be re-infested and will need to be re-washed.
-Vacuum everything, everyday, for at least a month. It’s SUCH a pain and takes SO long to do thoroughly. Seal and throw away any vacuum bags as soon as you use them. Don’t wait until they’re full.
-Treat your yard with chemicals.
2) Really, the sprinkles are no big deal because you need to vacuum for fleas anyways :)
Anonymous says
I’m sorry.
But. I love your toddler’s surprise…it gave me my much-needed giggle this morning. Because my toddler’s surprise was a poop-splosion that required a bath and full laundry of the all 18 layers of bedding (2 days in a row, yay!!). And big sister is on day 3 of a really high fever so I’m taking her in.
Solidarity, sister.
(I’m sorry I have no advice for you re: DH. That’s not even close to funny, even to internet stranger.)
anon says
There is some kind of pill you can get that keeps your cats flea-free for six months. Might be something to look into for the future. My cat got fleas once and the vet gave him this pill.
anne-on says
Um, are you me? I also discovered SURPRISE! Fleas on our cat this AM…as she was sitting in my lap…shudder.
Our vet suggested the super duper strong med (bravecto) which will kill the fleas within 24 hours. I am washing EVERYTHING in hot water and drying on high heat. We’re also having the house flea bombed tomorrow AM right after school drop off. We were also told to vacuum every single day for a month (woo!). I also panicked and ordered a heavy duty steam cleaner on amazon that is able to kill bed bugs with the high heat steam for our mattresses and rugs. I am hoping that after a HORRIBLE few days I will look back on this and laugh.
PS – I also booked myself in for a massage while the house is being fumigate – I suggest you do this too!!
SC says
I posted above. My house had fleas about 2 years ago, and I’m not laughing yet :-) Maybe in another decade.
doesitgeteasier says
Does it get easier when your kids are older? I feel so depressed when people tell me toddlerhood is not that bad compared to the challenges of having older children, because I just am my wits end so often that I don’t know how to cope with it not getting much easier as the kids get older.
Mrs. Jones says
I find it MUCH easier to have an 8-year-old than a 4-year-old.
Anonymous says
3 was the hardest age for me. They still have tantrums all the time but don’t look or act like babies, so it’s harder to have patience with them. 4 was a lot better than 3 for us, and 5 better still. She’s 6 now and it’s just wonderful. I don’t know who is telling you that older kids are harder than toddlers, but that seems crazy.
Anonanonanon says
Agreed. 3 was awful. They’re old enough to manipulate situations and start really testing boundaries. It’s a normal part of their development, but it was tough. I felt like my son was human again at 4!
My oldest is 8. It’s easier in some ways, harder in others. I think people just like to make everyone around them miserable. When you’re pregnant and complain, everyone says “just wait until you have a newborn!”. When you have a newborn and complain, “Just wait till they’re a toddler!” etc. Some people will always be that way.
Anon says
i think the challenges are different. older kids have different kinds of challenges – lots of activities to take them to, might be dealing with friend issues or academic issues. i’ve heard older kids are easier from a physical perspective because they are more independent – they sleep through the night, don’t need you to tie their shoes, etc. , but depending on your kid can bring a series of emotional challenges that are hard for parents because they are often situations that a parent can’t fix, whereas with little kids, if they are having a tantrum that they wanted to wear the pink dress instead of the purple one that is much easier to solve. I’ve heard the phrase “little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems” and I think that is true.
Anonymous says
This. Some people are just negative nellies. For me, personally, I loved the newborn stage, struggled with older infancy and all the changes that come with that (crawling, solid food), loved the 1-2.5 year old phase, but struggled again with 2.5-3 years. I think it’s kind of individual and also a lot of people just love to say “oh, just wait and see, ___ will be so much worse!” When I had insomnia in my 9 month of pregnancy and complained, people laughed at me and said “oh just wait til you have a newborn!” Joke’s on them, because my baby slept through the night crazy early and I had a husband who did a lot of night feedings. Late pregnancy was actually the most sleep-deprived I’ve ever been in my life.
Anonymous says
Ooops I meant to reply to the person at 12:52 who said that some people will always say the next phase will be harder. But I don’t disagree with the Anon at 12:40 either.
CPA Lady says
I think it depends on what you find most difficult. I’m an introvert so it’s been very difficult for me to have to be “on” all the time the way you have to be with a toddler. I also have a hard time with the complete lack of reason present in very young children. But some people think that toddlers are cute and hilarious and love caring for helpless things. (I am not one of those people.)
FWIW, I only have a 4 year old, but for me, each year has been easier than the last. I liked the baby year, but I think that was mainly because I thought it was going to be a complete nightmare, and it actually wasn’t and my kid was seriously one of the cutest babies I’ve ever seen (I’m probably biased though, haha).
Age 1 completely blew. Ugh, it was wretched.
2 was horrible but not as bad as 1.
3 was a mixed bag but better than 2.
4 is pretty good so far and I’m finding my kiddo to be way more delightful, charming, and funny than she has been yet. She is also able to play by herself for a few minutes. And taking her places isn’t quite as challenging. I mean, we’re not out of the woods re: tantrums, but they are not as frequent as they once were.
My sister has a 6 year old and that looks completely magical from what I can tell. There are still annoying things, like occasional very obviously fake crying, but it’s different from a 2 year old having completely irrational tantrums five times a day.
Anonymous says
My older (step) child is 12 and my son is 2. She is amazing – she literally wakes up on her own and (often!!) gets herself breakfast and leaves for the bus before we even get downstairs in the morning with our toddler. I tell her over and over again how I would never have been able to do that at her age. She is so independent and capable! Of course, she is also in 7th grade, and there is Friend Drama. Sure, that’s hard, but it’s a different kind of hard than dealing with my son dumping his food on the ground the instant we look away. And the pleasures are different too. She is legitimately funny – like made a joke over the weekend we are still laughing about. And she’s insightful! She likes to talk about politics and current events. Every phase has its own ups and downs but I feel like each phase also taxes different part of your personality/brain/stamina, so I don’t feel like it’s just a grind all of the time.
Betty says
My kids are 5 and 7.5. My oldest has ASD so isn’t necessarily as independent as your average 2nd grader. However, they can get themselves up on the weekend, pour a bowl of cereal and watch cartoons until I roll out of bed at 8ish. There are challenges with every age, but hands-down I would rather explain to the 2nd grader the idea of probability and why we are NOT buying a lottery ticket than deal with potty-training. As they get older, they have challenges and activities but they also turn into really interesting people that make me laugh, get my humor and can help around the house. There will always be people who are negative (e.g. the people who tell you to “sleep now!” when you’re 38 weeks pregnant) and I choose to see it differently.
Walnut says
I’m 22 weeks pregnant and am on day 2 of significant Braxton Hicks contractions. 4+ hours last night despite hydrating, position changing and switching up activity levels. I’m now on hour 3 of contractions this morning. They’re about five minutes apart and 15 seconds in duration – not increasing in frequency or duration. Honestly, it feels like back labor and brings me to a full stop until subsiding. I’m continuing to drink liquids, change positions, and vary my activity level.
A little more backstory, I’m coming off of quite a bit of travel including long flights. I know I was quite dehydrated on Saturday, but have upped my liquids significantly since arriving at home. Urine is basically clear again. Saturday I passed a small clump of blood, but no unusual discharge since then.
At what time do I call the doctor? I don’t want to waste time when I can clearly continue to hydrate, change positions, etc., but I also don’t want to miss something obvious.
AwayEmily says
Call the doctor! They will probably either have you in to make sure everything is okay or go to the hospital. I called for a similar issue (odd cramps) at around 20-something weeks. Because it was the weekend they sent me to the hospital, I was monitored for an hour, and then they sent me home. It was very easy. They are SO SO used to this and every nurse and doctor I ever talked to said that they would much rather we called, and you are not wasting anyone’s time.
Anonymous says
Call the doctor now! This happened to my friend at 26 weeks. She was in preterm labor. They were able to stop it and she delivered her baby at 39 weeks.
Anonymous says
NOW. Call the doctor now. Please. Signed, mom of a premie that didn’t call the doctor. (My daughter is fine and beautiful and healthy but NICU is no fun).
Anonymous says
Agreed you should call now!
Walnut says
Thanks all! Calling now.
SC says
Agree you should call now! I had strong Braxton Hicks early in pregnancy. By about 28 weeks, I had small but regular and lengthy contractions. I went to the hospital twice with preterm labor, and they were able to stop it with a shot of turbutaline (god, it made me feel awful though). My contractions were productive, so around 30-31 weeks, I was 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. I was given antenatal steroid shots, put on bed rest, and given medication to relax the walls of my uterus (also awful). I got to 35 weeks, and my baby didn’t need NICU. The point of this saga is that (a) it can be serious, and (b) medications and treatments often help.
Anonanonanon says
Always call when there’s blood that late in a pregnancy.
AwayEmily says
WINTER STORAGE. Help. This is our first winter with two kids and I am already overwhelmed by how much STUFF there is. Scarves and hats and mittens and multiple coats and bunting and somehow even though the baby has like six hats I can never find one when it’s time to leave.
What do you do? Right now we have cube storage baskets for each person’s stuff but that does not seem to be working very well (I think they are too big — it’s hard to find tiny mittens, etc). I am very willing to buy a new piece of furniture or storage solution — we don’t have a ton of room in our entryway but I will make it work if it means not living in a sea of fleece.
anon says
Oh, I hear you. We use cubes and have found them to work OK, although the depth can be an issue. Here are a few things that have helped:
– keeping a spare set of stuff at daycare, if they’re OK with that. That has saved us many times.
– keeping a spare set in the car. This is usually a pair that’s mostly outgrown/kinda crappy, but will work in a pinch.
– keeping the cubes in the garage, not the house. I can’t tell you how many trips back into the house that we’ve eliminated just by keeping stuff near the cars.
– This works better for older kids, but I have my oldest kid keep his stuff in his backpack rather than unloading it every night and hoping we’ll remember it in the morning.
I would not buy a new piece of furniture for this problem, honestly. I don’t think there is a perfect solution, and it will need to evolve as your kids get older.
rakma says
I’m storing the kids stuff the same way I store my own: in the coat. Gloves in the pockets, hat in one sleeve, scarf in the other. We got a few extra sets of gloves, so the coat, fleece, and raincoat can each have a pair, and we can swap out for wet ones. Takes 30 extra seconds to put everything away, but the kids know the drill and ‘help’ so it’s going pretty well so far.
MomAnon4This says
This and then… if I can, I store the kid’s coat IN MY COAT SLEEVE. I was so happy when I figured this out, although of course YMMV.
Anonymous says
We have one of those hanging shelf things in our coat closet. Kiddo’s jackets and hat go in the bottom two. In theory, she can reach them to get them out (which she does) and put them away (rarely does, but I don’t enforce). She only has one nice hat and pair of mittens. Winter coat (too big for car seat), snow pants, boots, and nice mittens stay at school Monday-Friday (as seasonally appropriate), unless we have a need for it in the evening (rare). Kiddo wears car seat safe coat, hat, and cheap mittens (we have like 3 pairs and they float around) in the car to and from school or for other outings.
FWIW, the other slots of the hanging shelf hold her summer hats and diaper bag/diaper clutch. It is about the only organized thing in my home and works really well.
Anonymous says
We have a much older version of this. The two half slots in the bottom are just one big slot. So there are five slots of equal size.
https://www.amazon.com/Organizer-Hanging-Compartment-Storage-Closet/dp/B00IC7NLN6/ref=asc_df_B00IC7NLN6/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=167123415012&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12274502936588731208&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9018682&hvtargid=pla-300901536419&psc=1
Rage-y 5 year old says
I’m hoping more experienced moms have some advice for me. My just-turned-5 year-old is happy when things go her way, but blows her top at the smallest frustration. When she is frustrated or upset, she has trouble calming down and just spews attitude and backtalk and whining/yelling/screaming until we can get through to her. There doesn’t seem to be a trick to helping her calm down – we do timeouts, the “How to Talk so Your Kids will Listen” naming/acknowledgment of feelings, I’ve told her one way to deal is to walk away from the situation, etc. Last night, she and her brother (2) were playing, she got frustrated b/c she thought he took off a strap from an old purse they appropriated from my closet, and smacked him in the head with the purse. It raised a huge welt on his forehead b/c it had a metal frame. We sent her to her room in a prolonged time out, and then I went in and talked to her calmly about why I was disappointed, and how it is never ok to hit her brother or anyone else, etc.
Is this level of anger and frustration developmentally normal? What are some other strategies I can suggest to her (and my husband) for calming down?
Good luck says
Honestly this seems normal to me but I don’t know. it seems like a 5yo version of a tantrum. The violent purse swing was different and sounds like normal impulse control. I don’t have the best perspective though; my family growing up was very, um, demonstrative about negative feelings
Anonymous says
How do you get your kids to drink water? DD is 9 months and gets really constipated all the time, even though she’s still primarily breastfed. The only solids she gets are fruit, veggies and meat so I hate to think what’s going to happen when she gets pickier and we start introducing pasta and cereal. She loves prunes and we give them to her every day, but even that’s not enough. Her ped says she needs to have water with every meal but she hates it and won’t drink it, even if we warm it. She drinks milk fine out of a bottle or sippy cup, so motor skills are not the issue. I get it, I hate drinking plain water too, so I get it, but I really want to get her in the habit of having water so we don’t have to turn to Miralax or something stronger.
Anonanonanon says
For my son I started with half prune/apple juice half water, and gradually lowered the amount of juice present. This was years ago so unfortunately I don’t remember how long it took to transition to just water.
Anonymous says
We did not give water before 1. Not to say you shouldn’t, but just that you aren’t hopelessly behind and it may not be an issue when she gets older. (And constipation may be unrelated). Also, try ice water.
Anonymous says
Try a regular drinking straw and an open cup – you will have to hold it. If that works, get some straw sippy cups. BF babies often do better with straws vs sippies.
On constipation – try probiotic yoghurt – you may have to try a few different ones to see what works. And experiment with fruits. Canned peaches does the trick for one of my kids and fresh strawberries does it for the other kid.
JDMD says
Do you think she’d eat coconut oil or olive oil? That’s what helped my kid at that age. I’d just give her a spoonful or two of coconut oil, and she’d usually gobble it right up.
Anonymous says
My older child refused to drink plain water until at least 18 months. Starting some time after a year we added water to his milk to get enough fluid in him each day. Gross to us but he loved even milk with water in it.
IVF question says
For those of you who have gone through IVF, how did you decide whether to do one or multiple stim cycles before transfering your first embryo?
Background is that I’m 38 (although with the ovarian reserve of a 25 year old, apparently), we want to start our family asap, but we also want multiple children (preferable one at a time, though!). IVF w/ICSI due to male factor, and all frozen due to genetic testing. Trying to decide how critical it is to try and get many embryos tucked away, knowing it’ll only be harder to create them as we get older.
Thanks in advance!
Anon says
Your RE should be able to guide you on this and some of it will depend on the reasons for doing IVF and how that effects outcome, but I (at 37/38 at transplants and with 37 years old eggs), found that the odds of pregnancy weren’t that much better when implanting two versus one BUT the odds of carrying multiples were dramatically increased and we really only wanted one. That said, we still switched it up and tried different things on different cycles. First round my insurance mandated only one embryo and it was not successful. Second round I only had two left and we did both, not successful. Had another retrieval/transplant of two that was unsuccessful. Still had two frozen embryos. Figured out I actually had uterine scarring/adhesions which were likely my real problem and was able to resolve that. With that knowledge and statistics above re. odds of pregnancy vs. multiples when implanting more than one, I decided to transfer one and am 36 weeks pregnant. I have one frozen embryo left though and a toddler (non IVF) and then hopefully this little one and have no plans for another, so now that is what is stressing me out!
Anonymous says
I’m younger (had just turned 28 when I did my stim cycle) so we only did one cycle before transferring even though we knew we wanted more than one kid. We had 3 embryos, transferred one, it split into twins, and now still have 2 frozen that we’re not sure what we want to do with.
Also, in case no one has warned you, ICSI (and probably also assisted hatching, if you’re doing that) increases the rate of monozygotic twins from something like 0.5% to 3.5% . We still would have done IVF and ICSI knowing this, but I’m so glad we only transferred one embryo (with the intention of avoiding twins!) and didn’t accidentally get triplets.
anon says
if you’re 38 and want multiple, then ensure you can now, before FET. God knows what your situation will be like by the time you try for #2 (says the woman who had no problem conceiving #1 and then struggled with secondary infertility).
you don’t say how many embryos are frozen. did you PGS your embryos? if you did, then you have a much higher chance of success of live pregnancy, so you can see if what you have now is enough.
good luck to you
Anonanonanon says
We’ve had a lot of convos here in the comment section today about what a slog life is. I blame Monday and the fact it is COLD and DARK on the East Coast.
Anyway, it has inspired me to leave a bit early and stop off at Trader Joe’s to get the makings of a yummy cheese board to reward myself with this evening.
Work-Balance OP says
Thank you all for the insight! You’ve all targeted exactly my concerns- I’ve always wanted to be the primary parent, which was one of the big reasons I took this 9-5 job. I thought it would be interesting and could be more of a long term position while we had young kids. It’s turned out to be fairly disappointing, and Im really just bored every day (despite trying to get different work flows, etc).
If we wanted to get pregnant soon, I would definitely stay. But it’s going to be at least 2 years, and I miss the work at the firm. I also had a solid reputation, so it would not be hard to build that back up before I left on maternity. That said, once I do have kids, there’s that emotional attachment of wanting to be with them all the time. I don’t want to miss the time when they’re young and I have a 2 week trial. But I also want to be happy at work.
(Very very torn on this, but greatly appreciate your thoughts and insight!)
Anon for this says
Perhaps an unpopular opinion: But I have two kids and I do not, at all, in any way, have “that emotional attachment of wanting to be with them all the time.” So you might not have that either, once you have kids. I love them and want to be with them a lot. If I had to be with them all the time, I would be miserable.
anon says
+1
Anon 2 says
i commented on the last post but wanted to also say i think litigation versus transaction work in a law firm can be really different. my husband is a litigator and travels A LOT. I do transactional work and did it at the firm and i had very minimal travel. I think it’s hard to really succeed in litigation unless you are able and willing to fly out and do depos, depo prep, etc, which tends to require a lot of travel (at least from what i can tell). Having BOTH parents traveling a lot will be super challenging.
That being said, a lot can happen in 2 years – i would also be super torn in your situation!
Maternity coat? says
I’m due in December and am too big for my winter coats. I’m debating between buying an actual maternity coat, or getting a regular coat in a larger size, thinking that I may need it for the rest of the winter anyway if I’m hanging on to extra weight. Any suggestions? I’ve used my husband’s coats in a pinch these last few chilly days but feel pretty frumpy.
Anonanonanon says
I live in the DC area, so if you’re somewhere way colder this may not apply, but I just wore my regular coat unbuttoned and dressed in layers. Someone (here maybe?) told me about coats that have a removable panel that you can unzip and remove when you’re no longer pregnant, if you want to go that route. Apparently you can also wear them while baby-wearing.
Anon says
I just broke down and got the Serpahine warm down maternity coat. Reasons:
This is my first kid and maybe I can use it again.
I am due in February and thats a lot of months of cold (I live in NYC)
I want to be as warm and cozy as possible to get as many walks in outside to stay active. If I don’t have a good coat thats another excuse to not walk.
Maybe I can sell it consignment if I don’t end up using it again.
In general my pregnancy thought is that I feel weird enough while pregnant so I don’t want to add in clothes that don’t really work. Its worth the occasional splurge to feel as good as I can.
Anonymous says
Coats are normally pretty generously cut, so even if you stay 5-10 pounds above your pre-pregnancy weight for a while (which is normal) you shouldn’t have any problems using your regular coats once you give birth (jeans are a different story – ask me how I know). I borrowed a coat of my husband’s because I didn’t want to invest in something I’d use for such a short amount of time. Some people swear by maternity coats for baby wearing, but I hibernated at home with my baby until she had her 2 month vaccines so I didn’t see much use for babywearing.
Anon says
I know some moms who love the M coat. It is a maternity coat and then a baby wearing coat.
They also make coat extenders: https://makemybellyfit.com. Not the cutest look but I am sure you could cover it with a scarf and then you are at least cozy warm without spending a huge amount of money.
Have you asked on your parent groups? Buy Nothing? Called up consignment stores Etc to see if anyone is selling one? Might be a good middle ground.
Anonymous says
I loved my cheap Old Navy maternity puffer for an NYC winter. You could probably get one even cheaper on Ebay.
Maternity coat? says
Thanks, all. I ended up ordering the Old Navy puffer thanks to the suggestion above. I looked a little into getting used but I’m at least a size bigger than most of the moms I know and I just wanted to cross this item off my list.
Anonymous says
Check out Modern Eternity coats at Motherhood Maternity (and other stores!). They are affordable and I really like them for regular wear, zip in pregnancy panel and childwearing. 3-in-1! https://www.moderneternity.com/en/
Kids and anger management says
A little late in the day, but I have a 2-pronged question:
1. What’s normal for 5 year old boys’ anger management abilities?
2. What are some resources for help parenting an angry/aggressive kid?
My son has been on a tear since school started. He’s struggling with the transition to K, and he needs more sleep and more individual attention from me and my husband. I’m trying to address what I believe are the root causes, but I need help with the symptoms. I think my husband (and to a lesser extent, probably I) are exacerbating by not always modeling good behavior. DH escalates quickly when he gets frustrated, he’s naturally loud and gets louder, threatens spankings almost immediately, and spanks more often than I believe is warranted. I’ve tried to talk with him about this, but he believes being strict and eliciting “a healthy fear” gets better results. It might in a limited case… my son acts out less around DH. But it’s pretty clear the bad behavior just gets channeled in my direction instead, so it’s not solving the problem. Can I get an “expert” to tell him the same thing in hopes that he listens?
Typical tantrum: some combination of yelling, ultimatums (“if you don’t read me 3 stories, I’m NOT going to be a good listener!”) turning around + fingers in the ears + blah blah blah, stomping, minor destruction of property (knocking stuff off tables, dumping things to make a mess, ripping papers, kicking and slamming doors repeatedly), and often physical blows: punches/slaps/pinches/hard grabs or squeezes/throwing objects at me. These tantrums are almost daily, and the littlest thing will set him off. This morning, for example, he was mad that I didn’t go upstairs to his room to get his sweatshirt for him.
After a tantrum cooling off period yesterday, I asked him why he acted the way he did. He said, “because I’m MAD, and sometimes I just want to FIGHT!” We’ve talked repeatedly about appropriate ways to handle big feelings, the importance of speaking politely and respectfully to your family, consequences for inappropriate behavior, etc. and instituted a code word that means we need to take a time out to cool off. Nothing seems to work. Once he calms down, he gets sad and wants a hug, but he insists we’re “making [him] act this way because [we’re] mean. ” Basically, because we aren’t instantly responsive all of his demands, and we make him do things he doesn’t want to do… like get dressed, and go to school.
I haven’t heard from his teacher, so I think he’s holding it together during school, just has no reserves left for home. His K progress report noted that he’s still working on following directions and impulse control. Fine, he’s 5. I don’t expect perfection, but I need him to Calm the F Down. So, is this normal, or something I should raise with a doctor? How do I fix it? He’s strong and has a good arm for throwing. At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before I get beaned with something harder than a stuffed animal.
SC says
It sounds like you’re doing a lot of the right things. I would raise this with your pediatrician though, if only because he or she can point to other resources that can help.
I also recommend the book Raising Your Spirited Child. It’s helped me with some similar issues with my 3.5 year old.
Setting a good example of anger management is really important. I think your DH needs to hear from an expert about appropriate discipline, and I think you should both consult a child psychologist for this reason alone. Your DH may need anger management as well. (I’m not trying to be judgmental–my husband and I don’t spank, but we both lose our temper quickly and yell often and occasionally do other things we’re not proud of. We have talked about anger management for ourselves, but neither of us has gone yet.)
anon says
I have no experience with boys, but my non-professional opinion is that your husband spanking/threatening spanking is basically the same behavior that your child is exhibiting. See something you don’t like = inflict pain to change it. Do you think your husband would be able to see it in that way or have you already tried that? I do also think that K is hard. Is your son in after care? Maybe he needs a different before/after school situation where he can burn energy or be calm. This does seem extreme, though, so probably worth discussing with his pedi. I’m so sorry, the situation sounds really tough. So far my elementary schooler’s meltdowns are more along the lines of dramatic sobbing. :/ Good luck.
Rage-y 5 year old says
I tried to post similar questions this morning about my rage-y 5 year old. Mine is still in pre-school (just turned 5) and has a really hard time calming herself down. My husband is also short on patience, and bigger on yelling and “instant” time outs. I really wish I could get my husband to understand the importance of modeling good behavior, but I’m not getting through to him.
Yesterday she got frustrated b/c she thought her 2.5 year old brother took a strap off of an old purse of mine that is now theirs. (I actually took the strap off b/c it seemed like a safety hazard). She hauled off and hit him with the purse, leaving a big welt from the metal frame. I’d say 60-70% of the time she is a great kid – compliant, independent, plays well with her brother and loves bossing him around. But when she gets mad, she gets really mad. She yells, talks back, throws toys on the ground, and is mean. I’ve tried different approaches – reasoning, calm counting, angry counting, threats to take favorite toys/stuffies away, talking through the situation after she’s cooled down – and none of it works consistently. I guess I don’t have any advice, just commiseration.
anon says
If it helps, by 5 yo DD is also rage-y. We’ve never ever spanked or hit her and she is still rage-y. We do sometimes yell at her, but mostly when she does yell-worthy things, i.e., hitting, body slamming or otherwise endangering herself or others.
Our transition to K has also been rough. We’ve been trying hard to get her lots of outdoor time, lots of independent play time, and lots of physical activity. It has helped. We’ve gradually seen her unwind as the school year has gotten going. She still misses her nap. She still misses her old friends from daycare. She still get overwhelmed and rage-y. Our best days are where the gets playground time with a friend from her old daycare. She just beams with happiness and relaxes in a way that we don’t often see with the new school and new people.
Our DD has started a “social thinking curriculum” at K with the guidance counselor and I do think it’s been helping. She is pulled out once a week during the school day for the sessions with a few other kids. Now she talks about being in the “red” zone and needing to calm down to the “green” zone. They practice breathing techniques to calm down and squeeze stress balls. They hug stuffed animals. They also have lunch together sometimes to facilitate friendships. You might ask if they have a similar program at your son’s school. It seems to be well done.
OP says
This social thinking curriculum sounds really interesting, I will definitely check to see if there’s something similar!
anon says
Yes, please speak to your son’s ped and get a referral to a pediatric behavioral specialist. There may be a hidden root cause for the anger (anxiety is a common one), but trust me from someone who’s been there … the longer you try to fix this yourself, the more you’re setting yourselves up for frustration and not getting any closer to the answers. A behavioral therapist is really there for the whole family; he/she can help your kid with coping tips, but the specialist will help you decide on the best strategies for discipline.
And yeah, your DH needs to cut it out with the tough love stuff. For one, certain personality types do NOT respond well to the “healthy fear” tactic. It works on more compliant kids (not that it’s right) but it’s like igniting a power keg when you shout/yell/spank with a more emotionally volatile child.
Good luck. It sounds like you’re doing a lot of the right things already, but I do think it sounds like you (and your child) could use more support.
anon says
*powder keg*
mascot says
Spirited Child is good. 123 Magic helped us as well. And some play therapy. And yeah, we went through the same thing where my husband wasn’t entirely sure how to navigate this (we both grew up in spanking households). We both work really hard to model good anger management now and call each other out for being disrespectful in an argument. It’s gotten better with some time and maturity on everyone’s part.
mascot says
Oh, another thing that helped sometimes was to contain, but not try to stop the tantrum. He can’t hit people/animals or destroy property willy-nilly. He can color angrily, rip paper, go outside and stomp and scream, hit a pillow, run up and down the driveway, shoot baskets/kick balls, etc. The intensity scares them sometimes so having a physical outlet gives them a way to vent that their words can’t. I’ve also told my kid to go take a shower or bath because water seems to wash away the bad mood. Think how many times as an adult you are told to go take a kickboxing class or go for a run or whatever to help work through a bad mood. Kids sometimes need that same release. Even letting him sit in the car/his room and rage for a minute can get out that energy. You don’t have to engage him in his argument when he’s seeing red.
SC says
+1. When Kiddo is hitting, punching, etc., we put him in his room and ask him to calm down. We suggest some techniques that seem to work for him. He’s welcome back when he’s calm and ready to do X (eat dinner with us, get dressed, play nicely–whatever we expect of him). Sometimes he stays in there a few minutes and then says, “I’m ready!” Sometimes, he quiets down but needs us to go in and talk through something with him. Either way, giving him some space to process the big feelings works much better than engaging in an argument.
Anonymous says
Not OP but this is helpful to me as parent of a 3.5 year old who has huge feelings and does s lot of hitting. Fwiw my husband remembers having that kind of anger as a kid, And still has it to some degree. Lots and lots of sports helps him immensely as an adult.
Anonymous says
If you hit and yell at your kid out of anger, you are teaching him that is okay.
Anon says
Spanking is an adult having a temper tantrum. Spanking is an adult losing their cool and deciding they can’t use words to solve or communicate their problems. On top of that spanking shows your child that when you are big you can control issues by hitting. It is not modeling to him the way that you want him to handle his feelings. If your husband can’t use his words and be calm, how can you expect a 5 year old to?
Your son’s behavior is frustrating and there are things you can do to change it, but the bigger issue is the yelling and spanking of your husband. He is setting the tone around your house of what is acceptable behavior. Fear (like yelling at a child) should only be used in life threatening situations like running into a busy street or about touching an exposed wire.
Anonymous says
I have been having similar issues, both with my 5-year-old and with my husband. I started reading up on Positive Discipline (specifically, the book “Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline”), and it is a helpful (although it can be exhausting). I have been having a tough time getting my husband on the same page with me, but the other day, he reacted in anger and spanked our 5-year-old, which he didn’t mean to do, and I think it flipped a switch in him. (I also told him recently, honestly, that I feel much more attracted to him when he is patient with the kids, and that him yelling at them is a big turnoff. I wasn’t trying to go Lysistrata on him, but I think it may be playing a role in his turn-around…) I have also started listening to the Janet Landsbury podcast and found it similarly helpful. I agree that you’re not going to get anywhere until your husband gets his reactions under control.
OP says
Thanks all who have responded. I totally agree there’s a parallel between my son’s reactions to frustration and my husband’s. We were both raised in spanking households, although I get the idea that spankings were more frequent for DH (pretty rare in my house). We both turned out fine and have good relationships with our parents, but I can see first hand that spanking is not effective. I’ve reserved some of your recommended parenting books at the library, and I’ll have a talk with him tonight about getting some outside help for all of us to learn some new strategies.
It’s good to hear I’m not the only one who struggles with this (both the kid and the adult parts)!
Anon says
I mean your husband didn’t turn out fine from spanking. He doesn’t know how to communicate with his child besides hitting and yelling.
Anonymous says
This. He isn’t fine. He looses his temper and hits a child.
Anonymous says
You’ve gotten a lot of great advice and I think you’re on the right path to working through this. It definitely seems like your husband needs to work on his anger management skills–he needs to be part of the solution, not the problem (modeling appropriate anger management).
Also want to chime in that I was a very difficult child in some respects, but otherwise the “easy kid.” I was far from easy going as a child but turned into the model student, respected authority (for the most part :)), and am quite a rule follower. I just happen to be VERY independent and wanted little input from my parents about what they thought was reasonable or not. I was also extremely tactically sensitive and would throw tantrums if I couldn’t (for example) get a fresh pair of socks after I walked across the room (before putting on shoes) in one pair that were now too flat to wear. I wasn’t violent towards others but would throw myself against doors or walls. I have grown up to be a very mild-mannered and pretty laid back person, especially on the lawyer spectrum. Point of the long story being that some kids are hard about certain things and it takes just doing your best and letting them grow up and mature. Not to say don’t take action, but don’t despair that it won’t get better and don’t panic.
It sounds to me like you are being a great parent! Keep at it. Just keep loving him and doing your best. Parenting is hard.
anonymous says
Agree about literature regarding no spanking, maybe share this link with your husband: https://twitter.com/drnospank?lang=en
He tweets research regarding harms of spanking / positive discipline
AwayEmily says
Yes, I think a therapist would be a good idea. Child therapists work as much with the parents as with the kids, and gently, I would not be surprised if your husband’s reactions are playing a huge role in this. By escalating quickly and spanking, he’s teaching your son that the way to respond to problems is with violence. Basically, he’s modeling the exact reaction you’re trying to avoid. Multiple academic studies have shown a strong association between spanking and behavior problems. Since you’ve tried talking with him about this and it hasn’t worked, then maybe he needs to hear it from a professional.
ER says
+1. I grew up in an area where spankings were pretty common, and I was spanked as a child, so I thought this was all progressive white people being too soft. Turns out, there is actually a pretty well developed literature behind the recommendation not to spank.
Also, maybe the following line of argument would help get your husband on board: It’s not working, so it’s time to try a different approach.
anon says
Agree with this. As a kid my mom frequently lost her temper and spanked me. I was extremely spirited. Spanking never changed my behavior, it just made me think my mom was pathetic for not being able to control her temper. I kind of got a rise out of pushing her that far. I have never spanked my own spirited child. There is just no point to it.
anon says
Yeah, the whole spanking thing forces you to hold up a mirror to the way you were raised. People either have a “well, we turned out ok” memory of the whole thing or more likely, I didn’t think it was particularly effective as a child, but now that I am a parent, I’m not quite sure what else to do.
AnotherAnon says
Might be too late in the day but: I want to buy my 19 m/o son a baby doll for Christmas and I’m looking for recommendations. TIA!
Anon says
Soft to touch? Plastic? What type of doll?
https://kathe-kruse.eurosourcellc.com/play-dolls/soft-cloth-dolls.html – These are excellent quality soft dolls for toddlers.
Anonymous says
Corolle
shortperson says
the american girl bitty baby is genderless and you can choose a green/blue romper to come with it. the accessories are all pink but they are terrible, i buy from etsy anyway. the doll itself is high quality.
Good luck says
My kids LOVE their Sesame Street character dolls – ok, they have Ernie and Bert!
i wish there was a similar “My Buddy” doll for boys around now but there isn’t, sadface emoji
Anon says
I know I’m late, but there are several options:
– The genderless Bitty Baby mentioned above. We bought boy clothes from the Our Generation line at Target, so there’s no doubt it’s Baby Diego and it’s my son’s favorite still (at age 3).
– Baby Born has a cute boy doll, but it’s a little much for young kids
If you want a more stuffed option, there are two adorable ones:
– Baby Stella has a stuffed boy doll that is super cute, a good size, and has a velcro plug to play with.
– Haba has a smaller stuffed baby doll that doesn’t do anything but has been my son’s bedtime “baby” for ages now.