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One of my closest friends just had twins, and I almost died of a cuteness overload when she texted me a photo of her newborns laying side by side on this pillow. From the product photos, it looks like it also has uses other than as a lounger. Apparently it is a nursing pillow, for those of you who nurse twins (an amazing feat if you ask me!) and a pregnancy pillow. My son loved the Boppy lounger, so I guess if you have twins you could either buy two of those, or just one of these! In retrospect, the period of time you need this type of product is so short, but while you’re going through it they’re so necessary, which makes the cost seem worth it to me. Any other essential products that you twin moms out there can recommend? This pillow is $99.99 at Bed Bath & Beyond and comes in five colors. Twin Z Pillow
Psst: Looking for info about nursing clothes for working moms, or tips for pumping at the office? We’ve got them both…
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Em Bee says
$100 does seem pretty high for a baby pillow. But I think most people have that one baby product that may seem frivolous but just made your life easier. For me it was the Boppy lounger and I still have such warm feelings about that pillow :).
Anon says
Yeah, the price seems steep, but we found this AMAZING for our bottle-fed twins, since one parent could feed both babies at once by lying them in here and using one hand to hold each bottle. We also kept using it after the babies could hold their own bottles, since it was still a good place to lay them down while they were drinking.
There’s a pretty active resale market for these, so it’s also very easy to not buy one full price.
HSAL says
I nursed my twins for a year, but only tandem nursed for three months. Even for just three months, this and the My Brest Friend twin pillow were both worth every penny. Highly, highly recommend. This one was more comfortable for nighttime feedings, but the Brest Friend was better for setting up camp on the couch for the days of cluster feeding.
Anonymous says
How does this pillow work for nursing? It appears to have two waist holes.
Anonymous says
Middle piece folds up to support your back and you snap the buckle in the front to bring the two sides together. For tandem nursing, usually the babies are nursed in football hold.
Anonymous says
The part in the middle flips up to be a back rest and you buckle the sides around you, so you have a platform on each side to rest a baby. It seems weird, but works pretty well.
Anonymous says
Oh, I see. I was thinking it clipped in the back like the MBF.
Anon Lawyer says
I’m pretty sure I have like 80 baby products like that. :-). But both my baby and I love the boppy lounger too. She grins like a maniac when she’s on it.
Two boys? says
I know this is a petty problem but I just found out that our second child is a boy and I’m so disappointed. I realize all that matters is a healthy baby, etc etc but I’m just — sad. I feel like people react weirdly when they hear it’s another boy, like they’re sorry for us, which makes me feel even worse. And I’m weirdly (and unreasonably) jealous of when I hear someone is having a girl.
I know this is common and I may just have to mourn the loss of what I imagined our family would look like (plus obviously kids often don’t conform to gender stereotypes, etc.) but telling myself all of that isn’t helping. Does anyone have happy stories about having all boys?
anon says
I don’t personally, but my cousin does and watching them grow up together (we’re geographically and emotionally close, so I see them often) has been so sweet. They definitely have always been much closer than my brother and I were growing up (usual dumb squabbles excepted), but they also consistently played together more, even when their age gap meant they were into quite different things (four year age difference). I distinctly remember the older one telling me he wasn’t really into some pretend game his little brother liked, which surprised me because they played it all the time, and his response was “well [little brother] likes it.” My older brother never would have done that for me. The older one also has a very close and special relationship with his mom – obviously, she spends one on one time with both and loves them both, but they have similar personalities/vibes that I think help a lot.
Anonymous says
I went through this when I found out I was pregnant with twin boys even though my first was a girl. I had a sister and all girl first cousins, I had zero experience with boys. The biggest thing I learned was that individual personalities make much more difference than gender.
One twin loves to get dressed up and play pretend. Our costume box is in constant use. He loves to travel and bake like I do but hates to read. He loves to bike with his dad. His brother hates baking (and any kind of dressing up) but loves to paint with me and would sit and read book after book all day like me. He’s a typical rough and tough boy who loves dinos and cars but he also loves Dora and Peppa and books about girls.
Best advice is to try and be gender neutral about activities – this helps them discover their interests. It came naturally to us because so often the boys were joining into their sister’s play or wanted to do some activity with their sister. Don’t feel like you won’t have fun shopping together or play dress up or baking because you have a boy. I never thought I would feel this way but being a boy mom is really great and special.
Anonymous says
Idk why so many people are shocked by this and I’m sorry they’re being weird! Of course loads and loads of people have all boys or all girls and it was great. There’s no reason why boys or girls are better than each other that isn’t just sexism. Enjoy your pregnancy, tell anyone rude enough to comment you feel blessed to be having a baby, and stop giving yourself permission to dwell on this.
Two boys? says
I don’t think I’m giving myself permission to dwell on it – I’m trying really hard to be positive but I have always wanted a daughter and it makes me sad.
I also don’t think people are shocked, just that they think that having one of each is better. Its not even really a sexist boy vs girl thing. We struggled with fertility and miscarriage issues with our first so I do realize this is still a fortunate problem to have.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I get all of this. I have two boys. But I think that at the end of the day, most people (everyone?) has to deal with mourning the loss of the family they imagined and learn to love the family they have. If you had a girl and she didn’t live up to your expectations of what a little girl should be or you didn’t have that ideal mother-daughter relationship, you might feel some of the same sadness. But again kids rarely end up like you imagined. They have their own personalities, interests and can be sensitive or not, can like clothes or not, can like sports or not, regardless of gender.
For a happy story at the other end, my husband is the second son. If he had been a girl, I wouldn’t have met my best friend and only person who truly gets me and I get to be myself around. He’s also just a great all around person, kind, caring and a great dad. He’s reasonably close to both of his parents, and at least makes the effort to call them even though they’re geographically far. I am so grateful he was born and feel so lucky, and I hold out hope that the future holds a similar story for my kids.
Anon says
I feel the exact same way. I’m 26 weeks with a second boy. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s a blessing for my son to have a brother close in age but it’s so hard to “get over” what I thought my family would look like. I’m not sure if we’ll go for a third. We can age wise but we both work full time and I imagine 3 in school/activities will be too much. So I’m just sad for now and will hopefully get over it when I actually have a tangible baby here to love. Also, I’ve gotten the same reactions from others. Even my mom said “o no!” when we told her. It sucks.
Anonymous says
This was me! Fertility problems and knew I was extremely lucky to be pregnant at all, let alone twice! And yet, I did feel a pang of sadness when I found out I wouldn’t have a girl because we figured that was our last chance to have a child. Fast forward a few years, and I’m so in love with having two boys that I am (mostly) over the fact that I’ll probably never have that daughter/mother relationship. That said, we may adopt a third. :)
Two boys? says
Thank you! This is so helpful to hear.
Anon for this says
I have two boys and I’m someone who really, really wanted a girl the first time around and was jealous of others having girls. Now that I’m a parent to two boys, I love it. I’m sure I’d love being the parent of two girls, too, it’s just what you know. Mine are 2 years apart and they’re such a team-they invent silly games together and they love chatting and making up stories together. They’re also incredibly affectionate and loving and sweet. (They also fight and tattle on each other and get mad at each other all the time, too, and love poop and fart jokes-it’s not all sweetness and light!) Honestly, more than sex or gender, though, the thing that makes them awesome is that they’re mine-I love seeing myself and my partner in them and seeing how they’re different from us and watch them learn about the world. It’s really hard/impossible to feel that way about a baby in utero, or at least I felt that way. It’s not until they’re out and an actual tangible person that you can appreciate all the things that they are, and even then it can take a while! For now, it’s totally ok to sit with your sadness for the thing that won’t happen while you adjust to the idea of 2 boys.
Spirograph says
OP, I wonder if you’re projecting a bit of your own disappointment onto other people’s reactions?
I have two boys and a girl, so I don’t fit your “all boys” ask, but I have to admit I was hoping for #3 to be a girl because I have a sister and I wanted my daughter to have a sister. It turns out that two brothers are their own kind of awesome. There’s a 4 year age difference; little brother idolizes his big brother so much, and big brother bends over backwards to make sure little brother is happy in a way he just doesn’t for his sister. I’m sure they won’t get along so well throughout their entire childhood, but I love seeing their bond with each other. I know you know you’ll love your son, and it’s ok to feel disappointed. But be assured there’s a lot to look forward to, too.
Also, total anecdote, but my sons are WAY easier than my daughter. High energy, sure, but straightforward if not always agreeable.
anon says
I also have two boys and a girl although my girl is the youngest. My boys are so so close to each other – they sleep in the same room, they have all the same activities, they share a ton of friends. They are very different but compliment each other in a way that’s really sweet. I also agree that DD is way more difficult than the two boys – everything is a mind game with her.
Anon says
This is anecdata, but I’ve always believed same sex siblings have a much higher chance of being close. I wanted and had a girl for my first, but if I’d had a boy first, I would have wanted #2 to be a boy for that reason. I understand why parents who have two want one of each but my personal opinion is that it two boys or two girls are better for the kids than one boy and one girl.
Anon says
My one and only is a boy (pregnancy s too hard on me to have another), and it mostly upset me that people, like my own mother, think a daughter would have been a disappointment.
Anon says
How awful!!! I was surprised and horrified when my BFF who is a self-professed feminist and leads a very feminist lifestyle (PhD, kept her own last name, works full time, etc.) admitted she was glad her first was a boy because a boy would be better than a girl for the role of “head” of the sibling group (she wants a lot of kids). Wtf!? Girls can lead and protect their younger siblings too!
I’m one and done for similar reasons, and beyond thrilled to have a girl. I love getting to play a small part in raising the next generation of strong, smart women. It’s mind boggling to me that anyone would consider a girl a disappointment but I know some people do :/
Coach Laura says
Yeah, I’ve heard people say that they want a boy first to be the “leader”. I was oldest as a girl and my daughter was oldest as a girl and I think it sucks.
lala says
I have 3 boys. Although I am coming from a place where I wanted at least 1 boy, so I didn’t have a lot of gender disappointment, just sad that I missed out on dressing a girl (I know, so materialistic). My second son is a nurturer who loves dress up, playing dolls, and his long hair that i get to fix up when we are playing hairdresser. So I feel like I am not missing out on much. I do love the relationship that my older boys have (4 and 6), they are just such good friends. We plan on having a fourth and would be happy with either gender, but I would really love another brother for my youngest son!
Don’t feel bad about grieving what you thought your family would look like. See if you can fulfill any girl desires you have other ways (I buy tons of clothes for my nieces). However, once he is here and they are growing up together I think you will see how awesome it is to have two boys.
all boys says
Late, but I can definitely relate. I had 3 boys, after always dreaming of and envisioning having a girl. I’ll never have the experiences of mother-daughter shopping or tea or have daughters in dance or help my daughter through having kids of her own or have the opportunity to raise my own daughter in a way that I didn’t have (yes, I know it’s no guarantee even if you do have a daughter, but it’s 100% guaranteed not to happen if you don’t have a daughter). I have felt sad about this for a long time, even though I love my boys, the youngest of whom is 5. Now that it’s pretty much impossible to have another, I’ve started to accept it – but it’s still hard, and still stings every time I see my friends with their daughters or even the girls in my sons’ classes, and think about the experiences I won’t have. Yes, all of my boys have their own personalities and some like traditionally girly things like baking, cooking, cuddling (I am not endorsing the stereotypes, just responding to some of the usual responses on this subject). But there is something fundamentally different about a mother-daughter versus mother-son relationship especially when they are grown and have spouses and children of their own. Just think about how you felt about having your MIL around after you had your babies versus your own mom and how many posts there are about conflicts with MILs (yes, there are exceptions, but sons are generally expected to go along with their wives while daughters seem to be able to maintain closer ties with their families of origin – and usually have more control over access to the kids – based on my and my friends’ experiences and my observations from these boards). I guess no real advice, just commiseration, even though I know we are lucky to have healthy boys.
anon says
This comment really resonates with me. I am waiting to get my NIPT results (11 weeks along w/#2 and last child, have one DS) and while all I truly care about is that the baby is healthy, I’ve started to imagine how i’ll feel if this one is another boy. Many of the things you mention really ring true – I am super close to my mom, she comes and stays with us for weeks, she was present at the birth of my son, and in many ways I am just as close if not closer to her than I am to my husband. She gets more access to my son in a way my MIL doesn’t (and I actually really adore my MIL – she might be the “perfect MIL” in that she never oversteps, is always cognizant of boundaries, takes my side in debates with my DH), and I’ve thought a lot about how I will never have that if I have two sons. That said, if #2 is in fact a boy (my DH keeps calling the baby “him” for no apparent reason lol), I think about the fact that typically, same sex siblings have a closer relationship than opposite sex ones do. So I know that will be a big benefit for them as they grow up together.
Anonymous says
Y’know I desperately, hearbreakingly, terribly want a second kid and husband doesn’t. And I don’t have the career I want. And I don’t have the family I want. And I keep thinking if I was just a better mom, my kid would be cuter/quieter/calmer/more cuddly/easier and my husband would want to have a second kid.
So, y’know, at least one internet person is totally jealous of you.
Anon says
Aw hugs. As someone who was in your husbands shoes, I promise you his feelings are not about your kid and certainly not about your parenting. People can change their minds about how many kids they want after having kids because before you have kids you don’t really know what parenting is like. Please know that it’s not a reflection on you or your child. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you’re getting therapy, either individually or together.
Em Bee says
My mom (61 years old) is supposed to travel from the DC area to LA to visit my sister next week. If you were me, would you encourage her to reschedule her trip due to the COVID concerns? She’s struggling with the decision and is open to input FWIW.
Anon says
Probably. The CDC says Americans over 60 shouldn’t fly. I had no luck convincing my 68 year old mom to reschedule a trip to Florida though (she’s there currently). I’m not super worried about her, since she’s in great health, but I’m worried about her passing it to my dad who is older and has multiple pre-existing conditions.
Anonymous says
I am a lot younger than your mom, and there is no way I am going to a major international airport or getting on a plane right now. Not just because of COVID-19–the flu is terrible this season too.
Anon says
Do you regularly not fly because of fear of getting the flu? I’m not trying to be snarky but I’ve never heard of anyone completely avoiding airplanes in flu season and I know some people who are immunosuppressed.
Anonymous says
This is much worse than the flu.
Anon says
Yes I understand that, not trying to say they’re equivalent. I was just asking because she said the flu was also a reason not to fly.
ElisaR says
i did not fly out of fear of the flu in 2018. so yeah, it’s a valid response in my book.
Anon at 9:21 says
Yes. I have gotten sick way too many times after sitting near a sick person on a plane. I now minimize my travel during flu season and drive whenever possible.
Anonymous says
My parents (65) are supposed to fly down the east coast in a couple weeks and I’m not telling them not to… Their plan is to be more careful about wiping down tray tables and washing/sanitizing their hands frequently, but it’s true that doesn’t help if the person in the row behind you coughs on you.
Anonymous says
Absolutely
Anonymous says
My parents (68) are not flying. My brother is canceling a trip to see them in case he and his family transmit COVID to them. FWIW my mom gets pneumonia once every few years so she is very likely to have serious complications. I would avoid air travel if not necessary right now. I mean the CDC is telling anyone over 60 to avoid movie theaters and church, so I think air travel is worse than that.
Anon says
where is the cdc sharing that people over 60 should avoid movie theaters and church? i am trying to find that on their webstie
covid says
https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/06/health/coronavirus-older-people-social-distancing/index.html
Anonymous says
If she’s in good shape and is generally healthy I’d still go if I were her. I wouldn’t want my mother to go, but she has lots of health issues. My MIL would be fine.
NYCer says
+1. My mom (mid-60s) flew from the west coast to NYC and back last weekend and is scheduled to come back for Easter.
Anonymous says
I would have her go and just be extra vigilant about hand-washing.
Anon says
My mom (63 and on chemo) just flew yesterday and is flying back in 2 weeks. She took her usual precautions while flying – a mask to remind her to not touch her face, chlorox wipes for the plane and lots of hand washing and hand sanitizer. Her oncologist was fine with it. She also flies first class, so that cuts down a little bit on the proximity issue.
Anonymous says
if she doesn’t have underlying health issues, I wouldn’t be too concerned about it. I believe neither DC nor LA has been identified with community transmission, yet. Wash hands etc, but I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Transmission to close contacts is worth considering, though, even if she isn’t worried about her own ability to fight off an infection. My mom is 64 and in good health, but avoiding air travel because she’s been visiting her parents a lot and they are very high risk for complications of the virus (90+, underlying health issues).
Anonymous says
There was a pastor in DC who came down with the virus after serving communion, so …
Anonymous says
DC area does have community transmission.
Anonymous says
So does LA.
Jessamyn says
Yes, 100% reschedule unless there’s some compelling financial or personal (i.e., the trip is for a once-in-a-lifetime event) not to.
Beth @ Parent Lightly says
My sister and I just talked my dad into cancelling an international trip to S America.
Anon says
my dad (70) is flying today into DC (where he lives – returning home) and my in-laws are coming to visit this weekend (62 & 65) flying from Newark to Houston. I asked them if they wanted to reschedule and they said no. I actually read somewhere that since so many people are canceling it is probably one of the safest times to fly
Mrs. Jones says
No.
anon says
My mom is 70 and she will not be doing air travel for the foreseeable future. She normally takes the train to visit me (3 hours away) but we’ll be sending her home in an uber as long as corona is an issue.
Anonymous says
So this may be a personality thing or an age thing but I’d love to hear people’s opinions. My 3 year old DD is sweet, empathetic, emotionally intelligent and highly verbal (Chatty Cathy). She’s a relatively easy kid, has big feelings sometimes but who doesn’t? Well, she has little to no interest in her baby brother (7 months). She loves to play pretend and is super nurturing to her dolls/stuffies (even pretends to nurse them!) but she doesn’t like to say good morning to him, help him in any way with toys, play with him etc….He’s already mobile so it’s not like he’s just a blob. We try to give both of them special individual time as much as possible, but how do I foster the sibling bond?
Anon says
I think this is very normal at these ages (all 3 year olds are self-centered), and trying to force a bond will likely backfire. You can insist they treat each other kindly and with respect, but you can’t insist they be friends.
Anonymous says
Leave her be. She’s perfectly normal. It will come in time.
So Anon says
I think this is perfectly normal. I found that it really changed when my son (older) realized he could make his little sister laugh. Talk DD up to her little brother and vice versa. Make her the expert and the awesome big sister in her little brother’s eyes. If she brings home artwork, show it to little brother and comment within her earshot, “DD brought home this painting! I can see that she used blue paint in the corner here and then swirled purple on top! How cool is this! Let’s put it on the fridge.” If she helps at all with little brother, you can comment to little brother on what a great helper she is. On the flip side, if he smiles when she walks in the room, comment on it: “Aww. Little brother had the biggest smile when you walked in the room.” For me, it was all about engendering good feelings toward each other.
Anonymous says
OP here – artwork thing is a good idea thanks. She loves to show daddy her artwork already. We do praise helpfulness. She is already interactive with kids at school seems mostly past the parallel play. She does a lot with imaginary friends at home. Everyone’s responses are reassuring thank you. I just see a lot of her friends being more affectionate with their siblings, but to be fair DD is not an affectionate child overall.
CHL says
I wouldn’t worry about it – she’s at the age where everything is about her (appropriately – even when playing with others their own age, 3 years are doing parallel play), and even if to you he seems more interesting than a blob, he’s not really to her and it’s not like his feeling are going to be hurt. I think continue to model talking to both of them and it will work itself out.
Jessamyn says
Kids at that age engage in parallel play, i.e., not really interacting, even if they are the same age and have the same abilities. A three year old and a baby… what do you envision they would be doing? This is a non-issue, let yourself off the hook.
Anonymous says
I agree that it’s totally normal for a 3yo to not be interested in her baby brother, but I wouldn’t say that 3yos don’t interact with each other!
Anon says
Yeah, 2 year olds engage in parallel play. 3 year olds typically play together, although it’s very normal for them to selfish and not take turns the way older kids or adults would.
Anonymous says
I was soooo worried about this – my non empathetic, slightly social/emotionally behind son was 3.5 when the baby was born, and although he was extremely nurturing with his stuffed animals had zero interest in the baby for what felt like a long, long time. Sometimes said very negative things about the baby. It really turned on a dime as soon as the baby got more interactive – for us that was around 8-9 months when he could crawl and do some back-and-forth. Really exploded about 12 months when baby started talking and now at 1.5 and 5 they are best buds!! Long story short I would just give it more time and not take any specific steps to try to grow the relationship at this age.
Callie says
I would try to not worry. My just turned three year old daughter is the same way. Very minimal interest in her 7 month old brother. My 4.5 year old son however cannot get enough of his little brother. And the 3 year old and 4.5 year old play together all day long. I really think that once my baby is more mobile (he’s pretty smiley and responsive now but not mobile) and can actually participate more and once my 3 year old gets just a bit older where she’s slightly better at interactive play, that they’ll all be equally close.
Katarina says
This is normal age appropriate behavior. My oldest was similar when my second was born. He would nurse his stuffed animals, but not interact too much with the baby. Now they are 4 and 6 and play together all the time, complex imaginative games. They really started playing together when the younger one was 2, and it ramped up when he was 3.
I have a third baby now, and my oldest is obsessed with the baby. My middle son is not that interested in the baby, and is a little jealous.
Pogo says
Random anecdote that’s hopefully funny to you as it was to me in real life – LO’s best bud at daycare just became a big brother. I asked him, “Are you so excited about the new baby? You have a little brother!!” And he just deadpanned, calmly: “No.” It is definitely not universal that toddlers love their tiny interloper siblings!
Boston Legal Eagle says
Haha this is a great answer. Like, am I excited that mom and dad are now paying more attention to this tiny crying being who can’t even play with me and who takes the attention off me, and now they expect me to act like a big kid? Yeah, no, not so much. I have two kids myself and hope that they eventually play together, but a toddler and a baby? Low expectations.
Preschool Switch says
Thinking about changing preschools and wondering if it is even worth it i.e. am I just going to swap these problems for new ones. My child who is almost 4 enjoys preschool well enough but is not loving it like she loves her babysitter and tells me all the time I don’t want to go to school. I understand there are huge differences in a school vs. in home care but but a few things are making me consider a switch for next school year. There is a lot of turnover at the school and while her teacher is the same, she is off a lot and the teaching assistants seem to be different all the time. The other huge problem for me is they can’t spell her name correctly on her worksheets. It is a name that is spelled like it sounds and isn’t a newly created name. I am wondering how she is going to learn how to spell her name if her teachers don’t even know how to spell it. The other options in our area are similar in quality so there is no guarantee that there wouldn’t be problems at another school. And I realize these are pretty common problems and not major issues. I just don’t feel great about the school if that makes sense. Did you ever change your child’s school and for what reasons? Just trying to get a gut check to see if I am overreacting.
Anonymous says
Is she part time? I always found the part-time kids struggled more as the full-time kids had integrated friends. Could the nanny do a playdate with another part time kid to help build friendships? I wouldn’t worry too much about spelling her name, that’s fairly simple to cover at home.
Anon says
My kid (2.5) is in part-time preschool and loves pre-school so much that she jumps out of bed on those days and runs into the building, so it is possible (and it seems common among most of the kids at our school – we joke they must be bribing them). I would worry less about the instruction (FWIW I’m a play-based preschool fan) and more about the fact that she appears to not like it and you don’t feel great. It is open house time, so maybe worth checking out the various other options to see if there is a better “fit” even if the quality of instruction isn’t what you want it to be?
OP says
Yes she is part time. Next year she will go 4 days so that should help some. Her complaint is too long. It’s the same number of hours as at the babysitter. It just feels longer to her for whatever reason. No tears at drop off but seems apprehensive.
Anon says
The name thing would bug me–can you talk to them about that? Is it spelled correctly on her cubby/jacket hook/whatever your school has?
In terms of switching, my worry would be that switching now and then starting kindergarten in a year is a lot of transitions. I’m sure if you do it she’ll be fine, but if I knew my kid was going to move again in a year and I wasn’t concerned about her safety at the current place, I’d liekly stay put. (My kids are in prek2 and we’re thinking about moving them to a new school for prek3 and prek4, but then they’d have 2 years of stability there before starting kindergarten.)
OP says
That is definitely the downside of switching to me as well. Another transition and possibly the same result.
GCA says
I would look into switching preschools. That generally doesn’t sound like a well-run school – there’s high teacher turnover, you don’t feel great about it, she doesn’t like it and they can’t even get her name right. And if the worry is too many transitions, a year is a huge amount of time in a child’s development. At age 4, it’s 25% of their life.
avocado says
Yes, I would not worry about the transitions. A year is a long time, and there would be at least one classroom transition in that time anyway. FWIW, we switched our daughter for one year before she started public school, and the number of transitions was a non-issue.
Jessamyn says
I think you’re not overreacting. I realize all kids’ personalities are different, but I think a good goal is for your child to be excited/happy about going to preschool, not telling you they don’t want to go. That tells me the experience they’re having there is not a positive one, which would cause me serious concern.
Putting my money where my mouth is: we recently switched our child’s preschool class because she was extremely clingy at drop-off, described negative experiences with fellow students and her teachers. We switched her class about a month ago, and now she marches eagerly into school every morning, not even waiting for me to walk her all the way to the door. Don’t ignore your gut.
And as my therapist told me when I was struggling with this, if you switch and things get worse or don’t improve, well, try the next thing. It doesn’t mean you were wrong to try a new school — you sensed something was wrong with your child, and you tried to fix it. If the solution you try doesn’t work, try another one, until you find something that does. Don’t let the fear that this won’t work keep you stuck in a bad situation.
ElisaR says
the spelling of her name wrong would annoy me. It doesn’t matter if it’s easy or hard, they should spell her name correctly!
That said, changing before kindergarten might just be more change than necessary. I wouldn’t change schools bc of these issues (your daughter will probably say the same about another school) but I would definitely talk to them about the name thing.
Anonymous says
I considered switching daycares at 4 and decided against it. One thing I figured out when talking with my son was that he was happier with sitters bc of the unstructured time. The sitter tended to cater to his whims more. At daycare there was a schedule and a curriculum. He wanted to be in control, which does not happen at daycare. Once he gets to daycare he loves it and does not want to leave.
I would complain about the misspelling of the name. She should be learning how to spell her name and there is no need to make that process harder
Anonymous says
Don’t ignore your gut. Tour some other preschools. You’ll know pretty quickly if you have a Kid Problem or a School Problem.
FWIW one of my kids complains about preschool every day she goes. But she also complains that the sun is up so it really is just nonsense I completely ignore. And she loves school and has absolutely no issues separating.
My other kid didn’t complain but was…clingy and mopey…when it came to preschool dropoff. We switched schools and in 2 days it was a complete 180. The new school is where Complaining Kid goes. I have no complaints at all about it, except that they don’t offer full day :)
Anonymous says
I agree. Teaching a kid to spell her name is about as basic as it gets. I also don’t think it’s a great sign that they’re giving worksheets to a 4 year old. Combined with the rotating aides, this sounds more like a childcare center than a preschool – that’s fine if you simply need childcare, but your daughter is saying she hates it and she has a babysitter.
Anonymous says
I am looking for a star projector for my kids’ rooms that is actually well-made. Every one I have ever bought is cheaply made crap that only lasts a few months. Does anyone have any recommendations?
HSAL says
We use the SwaddleMe Slumber Buddies Elephant Soother. It has a few sounds and projects stars in three different colors. It’s been going strong for over four years, although we’ve only used it nightly for the last few months.
Anon says
It’s not star-shaped, but the Boon Gleam flashlight also projects colored light on the ceiling. My kids have used them every night (they read books with the flashlight part, then put it back on the base to project on the ceiling for the rest of the night) for several years now, and they show no signs of stopping.
Beth @ Parent Lightly says
We have a Cloud b twighlight buddies one that is a stuffed animal/projector and it has held up very well (5+ years now).
Anonymous says
Also a sound machine but the skip hop owl projects stars, can be a dimm nightlight, and a sound machine. We’ve had one for 3 years and bought another one for second kids room
first timer says
I’ve never been here before but this seems like the right place – last month I asked on the other forum. I am sadly not yet a mom. We have been trying for nearly 9 months and I just got my peri0d again this morning. :( After a few months, I asked my doctor if we should be doing something and a few tests later revealed that all of my numbers are good except I have a low AMH (0.79) for my age (32), which surprised the obgyn. I did a Day 12 ultrasound which revealed a follicle and so I got an HCG shot to trigger it to release. I felt pretty nauseous the last couple of weeks and was hopeful, but sadly it wasn’t to be. Has anyone been here before? I am asking my doctor if it’s time to meet with a RE, but can I just do the ultrasound again and get another HCG shot? It was comforting to know we had a good chance at timing since we could see the follicle.
Anonymous says
Figure out who the best fertility clinic near you is and go there. And good luck! It’s hard.
Anonymous says
I’d say yes, time to meet with an RE. We were where you were a few years ago; did 3 cycles unmedicated and then 3 cycles with Clomid so that there were multiple follicles each time, increasing the chances that one would fertilize. For us, it ended up not working so we switched to IVF, but we had to go through those 6 months with the RE first to get it covered by insurance. (It was actually almost a year before we started IVF, but it was 6 instances of trigger shots, the other 6 months were travel conflicts or other issues that meant we had to skip a month.)
anon says
Go to a RE. Most obgyns are clumsy at best with the details of treatment like ovulation induction or triggering. Plus giving you an ovulation trigger as a treatment for low AMH is kind of silly? Like…what is the point? Maybe to assist egg maturation, but the evidence for HCG with that is lacking, as far as I know. A RE will give you much better advice.
Caveat that your insurance may require 12 months of trying first. Good luck. It will probably all be okay, eventually. I for one felt immediately better in the hands of a very efficient clinic, even before treatment worked.
So Anon says
While insurance may require 12 months of trying before they will cover procedures for infertility, they may cover testing before the 12 months. Either way, it can take time to get an appointment with a RE, so I would reach out now. As others have said, what an OB considers “normal” is much broader than what a RE will consider and treat.
Anon says
You’re taking the right next step in requesting a RE referral. Maybe if you share your location this forum can help recommend someone if you’d like. I was with my RE this morning, bright and early at 6:30am for my daily ultrasound and blood work, hoping for a successful IUI in a few weeks for baby #2.
As an anecdote, I had an underlying condition (severe PCOS) that was not diagnosed. I had (have) a very, very high risk of multiples so a trigger shot or clomid could have been very risky. I also had a deformed uterus that was only discovered via regular RE diagnostic workups. So, if I had become pregnant on my own or with a trigger shot/clomid, I would have almost certainly miscarried.
I know this fact pattern is mine and not yours, but my point is getting another trigger might feel like a good avenue, but personally I’d be hesitant to take steps without a full understanding of what’s going on, which the RE can provide you. There are some OB’s who will try to be heroes and try to troubleshoot for too long on their own, only wasting time, and there are others that will know their limits and refer you to a RE sooner than later, because that’s where you need to be. Simply put, RE’s are in the business of getting you pregnant. OB/gyns are not. Just because I know my way around my car doesn’t mean I should fix it.
Good luck. This place is a great resource for what is a very emotional ride.
And, PS, I’m sure someone else will say to take the shot while simultaneously schedule the RE appointment in case it doesn’t work. What works for one doesn’t work for another. Trust your gut above all else.
Pogo says
yes! +1 to all of this including the PCOS. Being on birth control since your teens can hide so much. I felt so validated by the diagnosis given my horrible irregular periods as a teen. You never know until you get the workup.
Anon at 10:58 says
SAME. Oh my gosh, same. That’s a soap box for another day (one that I’ve stood on before and will stand on again)… Birth. Control. Is. A. Patch. Not. A. Fix.
Oh, and while we’re at it, if we share family histories and don’t make reproductive health/fertility taboo, I’d also have known about my three female cousins who had PCOS and another with other related underlying issues.
All the anger. My daughter will get so much better.
anne-on says
+1 – I didn’t know until later (AFTER having had hideous periods all my life) that I had a family history of PCOS on both sides and uterine cancer on my mom’s side (it ‘wasn’t talked about’ back then was the reason there for not telling me). Apparently nobody thought an 11/12yr old with such bad/irregular periods she was regularly missing school was an issue. Uuuuugggghhhh.
Anon says
Yes, I will join you on that soapbox. Hormonal birth control is absolutely horrible for the field of women’s health and allows the medical community to continue to ignore the true causes of infertility/pain…but it’s very hard to have a conversation about this without being villainized as anti-woman.
Pogo says
I’m bummed we all had this same experience, but I agree, it can and should be different. I don’t knock BC, since actually I pretty much HAVE to be on it to function, but the OB I saw as a teen was so quick to get me on it without any workup (that I remember, granted I was basically a child).
I also felt vindicated during my workup for my 2nd child that I still had the same, off-kilter hormone levels. SO MANY PEOPLE were like, “Oh after your first your body knows what to do and you’ll get pregnant normally! It happened to my cousin’s best friend! She tried for 6 years and did IVF and then her second was an accident!” No. I have an underlying medical condition. Having a baby did not “fix” me. I don’t ovulate. Ever.
first timer says
Thank you all for your support. I am getting a referral for an RE shortly. I’m in Chicago.
HR ATTY says
Definitely meet with a RE. I was 30, had very high AMH, and was desperate to try what I thought was a fix all (clomid). I was so annoyed when my OB referred me to a RE instead of prescribing clomid. In the end, it saved me time, because clomid did not (and never would have) worked for me. Like you, I had been trying for about 9 months before I went to RE. It’s definitely overwhelming and scary, but the RE is the expert so you will be in much more capable hands. Good luck! And you have my full permission to sucker punch anyone who tells you to “relax, it will just happen” or “it will happen if you stop thinking about it so much.” GRRRR.
Pogo says
Yes, go to an RE. I’m a little surprised your OB gave you a trigger shot – most OB’s stay far away from any kind of assisted reproduction. It is very emotionally tough and isolating. But it is SO worth it in the end – stay strong and keep reaching out to this group! Many of us have done IVF and I got a lot of great tips for managing work, travel and treatments, if you do end up going that route.
Anonymous says
It took me 10-11 months to get pregnant with my first. I was 29. With my second it took 7 months. With my third we got pregnant on the first try, and I was 35.
All 3 were conceived without any kind of RE.
I am not saying this is you, but I’m giving you my experience as a data point.
KW says
I would also suggest seeing an RE (as someone who struggled with secondary infertility). Not only will they be better equipped to handle your situation, it may not be a YOU issue. We got pregnant the first month trying with our first child. Fast forward several years later and we had been trying unsuccessfully for months and months. I talked to my OB about it, who did some early bloodwork, etc. on me and referred DH to a urologist. After talking to an RE socially, she suggested we come to her office instead. Low and behold, DH had a low sperm count and we ultimately ended up needing IVF to get baby #2.
AwayEmily says
Any advice for helping an early rising toddler get back to sleep? My 2yo often wakes up at 4:45/5 and seems really tired, but he can’t seem to put himself back to sleep. The weird thing is, he TRIES. If I go in and tell him “it’s still night, you need to sleep,” he will lie there sucking his thumb and trying to sleep for up to an hour. But he never manages to actually get back down. I had high hopes for this time change, but it doesn’t seem to have made a difference. It also doesn’t matter what time he goes to bed (usually he goes to bed at 7:15, but last night his sister kept him awake until 8:30 and he still woke up at 5).
On days he sleeps until 5:45 he’s fine in the morning — it’s that last sleep cycle that seems to elude him.
Anon says
I would suspect there’s something in the environment that’s waking him up and keeping him up. Is his room cold? That’s right around the coldest time of day, and I know my daughter has woken up early because she’s cold before. I mean, they won’t wake from a deep sleep because they’re cold but if they’re sleeping lightly and stirring they can wake up and have a hard time falling back asleep if the temperature isn’t comfortable.
Anonymous says
Is he hungry? Growth spurt? Try a spoonful of peanut butter or nut butter before bed. Maybe let him have a sippy cup of water or a glass of milk?
Anonymous says
UGHHH I have been there. I still am, but my toddler is 4 now. We’ve done everything there is to do from sleep training to sleep clinics to sleep studies, so i consider myself pretty knowledgable about this stuff.
1. Try cutting back naps if he’s still napping. If he’s not napping still, then put him to bed later. Our visit to the sleep clinic had us chart our kid’s sleep for a week. We went in and she took one look and said “put her to bed later and don’t let her sleep past 7:30 even if she’s up all night.” Which made no sense to me but we tried it and basically when you tell a 3 year old they can only have 10 hours of sleep, their brains maximize the sleep time.It took a week or so but we saw a lot of improvement. Lots of extra exercise/activity can help too. Basically the idea is you make them too tired to be able to stay up and worry about falling back asleep (see: mom and dad).
2. At age 4.5, she’s still doing what your son is doing, but she’s matured so that she can cope better. Instead of coming to get me (and therefore waking herself up even more), we have strategies for her like “put the blanket over your head like a tent when you wake up and it’s still dark.” Somehow that breaks her “I need to sleep but can’t so i’m going to lay here” spiral.
3. More food. Sometimes my kid will wake up and the only thing that helps her get back to sleep is food. Applesauce pouches, drinkable yogurt and bread are all quick and easy to deliver in bed. I hate this strategy but it works when times are tough. We’ve tried to up the bedtime snacks which helps.
4. Consider more iron- our sleep study showed that my kid may have mild RLS though the symptoms are not really typical. When we started her on an iron supplement, it helped.
5. Heavier blankets. We haven’t done full on weighted blanket, but we find that a soft, comfy bed and heavy comforter are much better for sleeping for her. She’s actually moved into our guest room for sleeping which has a queen mattress with a pillow top. Her “regular” bed is a twin and that’s still “her room” but she sleeps in the guest bed. We just go with it.
AwayEmily says
Thank you SO much. Seriously, these are all really, really useful suggestions. It’s also really reassuring to hear from someone else who’s gone through this.
The hunger thing is a great point — he’s generally a super hungry dude so maybe we do need to up the nighttime calories.
I also am definitely willing to try putting him to bed later (maybe closer to 8). It sounds counter-intuitive but maybe it would be enough to break the cycle. And yeah, we’ve never tried the late bedtime for a full week, only for a day here and there, and it makes sense it would take longer to start working.
Anonymous says
We do either dinner at 6pm and snack at 7:45pm immediately before brushing teeth or snack at 5:30pm and dinner at 7pm. They need two eating opportunities in the evening to get in enough calories. Mine never ate much at daycare during the day because they were too busy chatting with their friends.
Anonymous says
Good luck! Since she started sleeping in the guest room, I can hear her all night long. She’s a sleep talker and seems to be having crazy dreams around that last sleep cycle. I sometimes wake up and run in there and put a blanket back on her and it enables her to stay asleep.
My other two kids are totally normal if not maybe even heavy sleepers so this was (still is) so different for us. But it’s not environmental (we thought that at first) and it’s not teeth. She’s an extremely light sleeper and possibly has some kind of disordered sleeping- but has improved tremendously. She’s always been a crappy sleeper but it was right around 2/2.5 when she dropped her nap that things because very clearly Not Normal.
Favorite okay to wake clock? says
I don’t think we need anything fancy, but we’re looking for a clock that will let my preschoolers know when it’s okay to get up and play in their room vs when they need to stay in their bed. Anyone have a particular clock you like best?
Cb says
I was today years old when I learned that the Grobaby has to be manually set each night rather than it coming on automatically. So I don’t recommend that one.
AwayEmily says
We used the OK to Wake clock for years but I just got the Hatch one because my kids started sharing a room and I wanted separate settings for “be quiet and sleep” and “it’s okay to play/talk, but don’t come out of your room.”
Anonymous says
Love the Hatch one for the ability to control from my phone. If my daughter wakes up early and we don’t want to make her wait until what last night seemed like a good time for her to wake up (she has a habit of pooing herself awake), we can just turn the light green whenever.
Anonymous says
+1
Pogo says
+1 to the Hatch. I change it based on what we have to do that day (some days we can let him sleep til 6:45, some days we have to get him up earlier) and of course on the weekend I like to wait til 7 to make it turn green (and if he miraculously keeps sleeping, we just leave it off). It plays bird noises and turns green and if he gets up before it my husband and I moan “Did the birdies wake up yet???” He for sure gets the concept.
I’ve also had mild success using it as a nightlight when middle-of-the-night bad dreams strike. I ask him if he wants a specific color and can set the light to turn on in that exact color, which seems to make him feel a little better. You can turn it down so it’s basically just a glow which is nice for middle of the night – I’m definitely getting a second for our new baby.
Favorite okay to wake clock? says
Hmm, this is a good point. Right now our kids don’t leave their room until we come get them, so I’m figuring green can mean “okay to get up and talk/play with your sister” but I can see how in the future more settings would be helpful.
Audrey III says
Another vote for the Hatch. Controlling from your phone is clutch, and I think my 2yo sleeps later b/c of it. Our other OK to wake clock (used w/ now 5 yo) woke him up when it turned yellow, and we had no way to adjust it if he woke up earlier than we’d hoped but not so early we wouldn’t mind him getting up. 5 yo now has a Hatch too, and I love the ability to have different programs for “OK to get up and play quietly in your room” and “OK to come out.”
Anon says
Every time I think I am “over” my miscarriage from the fall…and I assume it will only get worse as we get closer to what would have been my due date in April. Found out today that close friends are pregnant with their second (their first and my daughter are a week apart). And another good friend had her baby this week. I’m happy for them, but also hurting. And hoping (yet again) that this month will be the month (and the next 9 months…). And I wish I had work I could throw myself into, but alas, it’s slow today (but not slow enough I can just go home).
anon says
I am so very sorry. I have been there, and it is so hard on the emotions when everyone around you seems to be effortlessly having babies. Miscarriage and TTC can be so isolating, particularly when things aren’t going well. Be gentle on yourself today and feel all the feelings. It’s really OK to be sad about how things are going for you.
bellatrix says
I can’t tell anyone this IRL but I need to celebrate: We finally got a wetness alarm to help my 9yo stop peeing in his sleep, and he’s doing SO well. He had three nights of being dry (I think he was so worried about the alarm being scary that he went to the bathroom about six times before falling asleep) and then last night it went off and didn’t really faze him — we helped him clean up and he went right back to sleep without fretting about “failing,” which had been a concern of mine. I anticipate a long process before he’s really done (I hear don’t get too excited until they’ve been dry for 14 days straight), but for the time being I am feeling SO GOOD about this.
avocado says
That’s great news! It is always such a relief when you find a way forward through a challenge.
eh230 says
My 9 year old has the same issue. What system are you using? Is your room close enough that you are hearing it too? He is an extremely deep sleeper, and I’m concerned he won’t get up.
bellatrix says
My kiddo is a deep sleeper too — that’s actually why the night wetting has gone on this long, IMO. So the alarm didn’t wake him up, but I was still up so I heard it from downstairs. My husband was in our room next door to kiddo, possibly asleep already, and he heard it too. The alarm isn’t super loud but it’s insistent. It also has a vibration so in theory that could wake a kiddo up too.
Our ped said it’s quite common for the alarm to wake parents but not kids. BUT that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it — usually he pees a TON at night, but this time there was just a bit of wetness in his underwear. We sent him to the bathroom after we woke him up and he really had to go. So even if they don’t wake up, I think the alarm stops them mid-pee. I may eat my words after a few more nights, but so far I’d say the alarm is doing something even if it doesn’t wake him up.
I don’t remember the brand of system (something from Amazon, it was maybe $100?), but it’s body-worn — a little sensor clips unto their underwear (right where the wetness would be) and it’s connected by a wire to the actual alarm, which clips onto their shirt. That’s where the noise/vibration comes from.
Naming Game says
Here is a question for all of you wise ladies – how close is too close to use the same name as someone else? We are later to have kids than many of our family and friends so many of my favorites have been “used” by someone I know.
I wouldn’t use a close family member’s name, but what about the kids of cousins who I rarely talk to? Friends who I only communicate with on social media? Coworkers’ kids? Acquaintances where I only know their kids’ names because of facebook?
Where do others draw the line? I don’t want to be weird or a name thief.
Anon says
i do not think there is such a thing as a name thief unless like your sibling or best friend said that I am going to name my baby “X” and then you name your kid that before they can. i do think it would be weird if you gave your kids the same name as like your sister’s kids or something like that. or if the name is too close to someone who spends a lot of time with you (for example, one of my best friends decided not to give her daughter a name that was rhyming with her niece’s name bc they live in the same city, the girls are a year apart and they all spend a lot of time together so they thought it would have been confusing) But i have a colleague who had a daughter named Caroline and someone else in our office had a baby years later and also named her Caroline. The two Carolines have met and the older one has passed down some personalized items to the younger one.
Elle says
One of my kids has the same name as some of my cousins’ kids (although they all go by a nickname so not totally the same) but it’s a family name (grandfather, uncle, two cousins, two cousins’ kids). There are several variants of the name, so it’s not as confusing as you’d think and we only get together as a big group once/year or so.
Anonymous says
I am (for example) Laura Jean and my cousin is Jean Laura — we always thought that was funny. We’re two years apart and our moms say it was entirely accidental, but I doubt it really was.
Anon says
The guy in the office next to me has two grown (20-24 y/o) daughters. My 2 yo shares the same name as his oldest and, wouldn’t ya know, my next-in-line girl name is the name of his second daughter. Think classic, timeless names a la Bronte sisters/wives of American presidents (not our inspiration, but we are going for a ‘timelessness’).
We’re TTC for #2 right now… so, shrug. He’ll be retired in 5 years and he clearly has good taste ;)
Jessamyn says
Haha, that sounds awesome. You should make sure he lets his wife know — I’m sure she’d be thrilled. I would! (As a mom of two daughters.)
Anon says
I wouldn’t use the same name as a sibling, because I think it would be weird to have first cousins with the same name. I wouldn’t use the name a close friend or family member used without asking permission, but I expect they’d give permission (I would!). Name Thief is not really a thing with anyone else, unless it’s a super rare name or a name they made up. If your coworker invents a new name for their child and you use it, that is odd. But if they have an Olivia and then you have an Olivia, no one cares.
anon says
Agreed with all of the other answers. One addition: my cousin used a family name I really like on her son. I actually think it would be a pretty great girl’s name, but not going to use it on a girl now that she used it for her son.
Pogo says
My kid has the same name as a coworker’s kid who is a few years old but goes to school in a totally different district. They likely will never meet. It bothered me for like half a minute, but I really wanted the name (they are spelled slightly differently).
I do love my SIL’s name for a girl, but I wouldn’t name my (potential) daughter that only because it would be too confusing. Who are we talking to? Talking about? MIL is bad enough, calling the grandkids all the wrong names – I can’t imagine having two close relatives w/ the exact same name.
Close friend I might still be OK, if our kids aren’t going to be geographically close. Same for a cousin. It’d have to be case by case for me on how much I loved the name I think.
Jessamyn says
Heavens. Name your kid the name you want to name him or her. If it doesn’t bother YOU that another kid that you know has the name, then go for it! FWIW, one of my daughters has the same nickname as the son of the best man at our wedding. It’s honestly really cute, when we all get together there’s a lot of good-natured confusion about which one of them we’re referring to (even funnier because they are about 10 years apart in age). My other daughter has a super-rare name, so much so that whenever I meet another mom of a Frieda (not her real name), I get SUPER excited. If someone I was close to named her daughter Frieda, I would be so flattered and excited — because it is an awesome name!
I think the only instance in which it might be weird is if it’s the name of one of your sibling’s kids. But even that depends — are they one of 4 cousins, or one of 30 (as I was growing up). If the latter, no one can probably keep all the names straight anyway, so who cares?
Anon says
Loved this rare but still easy to pronounce name for a girl (got the idea from an old teammate-thanks girl!). We almost changed our minds when I realized my MIL’s cat has the name (she has a lot of pets and I am not a cat person). Went for it anyways and I’m glad we did. I get way more dumb comments about a movie character with the name than I did about the cat. (People, she’s already named so idgaf if the name reminds you of a movie. And stop naming animals with human names. Eye roll.)
Quail says
You guys, I think I’m at my wit’s end. Baby is 5.5 months old and wakes up every 2 or 3 hours to eat at night. She actually nurses during this time – it’s not a few sips and back to sleep kind of deal. She drinks 9-12 ounces of pumped milk during the day (we’ve tried offering every hour, offering smaller bottles, offering larger bottles – she seems pretty consistent throughout on amount taken.) I posted before when the ped was concerned she was falling off her growth chart. Last appointment she was back on track (yay!). But I can’t function on this interrupted sleep.
So…we tried night weaning per the Sleep Easy Solution book and it hasn’t worked. She wakes up right before the scheduled wake-up-and-feed time. She won’t fall back asleep after drinking a smaller amount of milk. When we did reduce the amount of milk overnight and the time of overnight nursing sessions, she didn’t drink more milk the next day. And when we are trying this, I’m getting even less sleep because I’m being woken up more frequently by both alarm and baby. (Spouse takes one feeding.) Baby is a little less than 14 pounds, which is what the SES book recommends for starting this process so maybe that’s the problem – but seriously, I can’t take it anymore. I’m making dumb mistakes at work. I zone out in the middle of sentences. I’m seriously thinking about taking a day off (that I really can’t afford workflow wise) just to sleep. My first kid was sleeping through the night by this point (shakes fist at smug past self).
Ok rant over. How long did it take you to night wean, if you did? How old was your baby? Any commiseration or night weaning tips welcome.
anne-on says
I weaned around 7 months at night (went back to work at 6 mos, and couldn’t do the night feedings alone any more without being a zombie at work). You’ve given your baby an amazing start with nearly 6 months of breast milk – that’s awesome! You don’t need to wean all at once. So many books frame it as all or nothing. I was able to keep up my supply for a last bedtime feed and a first AM feed for a solid month after dropping all my day time pumping. Why don’t you drop a nighttime feed per week and see how you feel? Even getting a solid 5 hour chunk was life changing. We did 8-1am, and 1-6am as our ‘shifts’ (you nurse before you go to sleep, husband does the first wakeup with a bottle, and then you do the next 2 wake-ups).
Also – I’d look into having a specialist evaluate for tongue tie – it couldn’t hurt, and this was the age when my son wasn’t great at nursing but demolished bottles due to the tongue tie. And TAKE A DAY OFF TO SLEEP- seriously – it will make a HUGE difference.
Anonanonanon says
Are you able to pump enough to use any bottles at night, or are you willing to introduce some formula? My husband and I used two different approaches, but both involved bottles of pumped milk and eventually formula.
Approach 1: Baby gets a big feeding around 8PM, mom goes straight to bed. Dad stays up and watches tv, does whatever, handles 11PM feeding before going to bed. Mom handles 2AM feeding (meaning, theoretically, mom got 6 uninterrupted hours of sleep before that) and everyone is up for the day at 5.
Approach 2: Completely alternated nights, theoretically you each take turns getting a full night’s sleep. We did not trade under any circumstances. My husband preferred this method, because he actually slept on his night, but I usually roused before he did on his nights and had to shove him to wake him up.
lala says
We do Approach 2 but we set up a separate bed in the baby’s room so that I can actually sleep on my night. This is our approach from about 6-9 months (we cosleep before that), then we start to night wean and it is all on DH (he does bottles and slowly lowers the amount then switches to water).
We figure since I took 100% of the first 3 months, he can take 100% of the last 3.
Pogo says
We did something similar to Approach 1, though I think in our case it was more of a sleep regression than a feeding issue – because he had been sleeping longer stretches. So we didn’t try to feed prior to midnight, I just had DH go in and soothe. I would sleep 9-12, then do any feeds after that. It took some time but we managed to consolidate down to 1am and 4am feedings around 6 mos, then he dropped the 1am and within 3-4 weeks he dropped the 4am. Those last two were 100% baby-led with no effort on my part (though the final feed was dropped when I was on a work trip, so I do think that w/ my kid there was a lot of using the b00b to soothe that he finally learned to get over and self-soothe).
If you think LO really needs the calories, have DH give a bottle for any wakeup prior to midnight or 1am (whenever you want your first feeding) and see if that helps. I don’t know that you have to force total night weaning ASAP. You just need to sleep more than 2-3 hours at a time!!!
Anonymous says
Strange thought, but have you tried increasing the nipple sizes on the bottles?
Anon says
This sounds like reverse cycling. I don’t have tips, but maybe it’ll point you in the right direction.
Anon says
Ask your pediatrician if you can do CIO and night wean. You can still keep breastfeeding or pumping during the day and your supply will adjust, in my experience at least. Sometimes more gradual methods don’t give you the results you need, and it makes more sense to go all in. At least ask. It’s worth it to check.
FVNC says
So much commiseration. This is why I started to co-sleep because my 2nd kid needed to nurse several times throughout the night. He’s also on the small side — nearly three years old and still only 23 lbs — and when he was so little i didn’t think night weaning was right for him. I don’t have any suggestions except to do whatever you can to get yourself the maximum amount of sleep for a week or so, and when you’re feeling a tad more rested, try to develop a plan.
Quail says
Thank you all! (Busy day, ugh.)
I totally agree she’s not getting enough milk during the day. I had kind of hoped trying to reduce the night feeds would jumpstart a better cycle, but it’s not working. I just have to go back to feeding on demand, I think, and stagger the shifts between spouse and I so that I get a 4 hour + chunk of sleep. I’ll ask the ped at her 6 month appointment if we can take more drastic action. I can definitely pump enough extra to do entirely bottle feeds so I might do that…the silver lining of her drinking less during the day is that I have a big stash built up. Otherwise I am not opposed to formula…would like to continue nursing/pumping for the antibodies until we are out of cold/flu season (which turns out may be never at this rate…)
Thanks for all the tips and commiseration. Trying to balance my intuition (she needs to eat!) with my zombie brain (brain needs to sleep!) is hard.
Anon says
She is definitely not taking in enough during the day, so it’s not surprising she is hungry at night. I would not try to fully night wean her now, especially given her weight struggles. I would, however, try to move her to bottles of milk or formula and maybe you and husband switch off nights. She is still very young; since you asked, for *me* I would not try to night wean a baby until she is adequately eating during the day, and prob not until 12 months.
Can you try cluster feeding in the evening, or changing her routine so you nurse at dinner time and then dad feeds her a full bottle at bedtime? I think the biggest issue is coming up with strategies to get 20+ oz into her during the day. I know you said you’ve been working on that, but maybe there is a medical professional you could consult if nothing is working?
Anon says
Whoops, meant as a reply for comment above, of course!
Anonymous says
I wonder whether she’s reverse cycling because she prefers nursing to bottle-feeding and is holding out for what she really wants. Perhaps if you switched to bottles at night she’d be more likely to eat during the day? My baby was a one-trick pony. Trying to mix nursing and bottles was a nightmare. Things were much better when we went to all sippy cups, all the time.
Cb says
Yeah, my son was a boob monster and would sip at bottles during the day but would have a big feed first thing, when I got home, bedtime, and then nurse all night. I loved nursing but honestly, he didn’t sleep through until I weaned at 18 months.
Anon says
This is what I would recommend too.
WWYD? says
What would you do? I am a pregnant big law associate (2nd trimester, everyone at work knows). The governor of my state just declared a state of emergency because the number of COVID-19 cases is increasing quickly. A state health official said certain populations, including pregnant women, should avoid “large gatherings.” I typically take public transit to work and don’t have a car. I am great at working from home and typically do at least one day per week. Should I stop going into the office? Start only going in a couple of days per week? I don’t want to come off as alarmist or paranoid to my big law firm partners, not all of whom seem to be taking this seriously, but obviously I don’t want to do anything that could threaten the health of the baby either.
Anonymous says
This is very personal and also depends on how bad community transmission is in your area. Has anyone at work talked about working from home yet? My office has been dead quiet about it but we finally discussed it today, and noted that generally we can work from home as we feel comfortable (with some grumbles that people think it’s all being overblown, :( ). How would the partners you work for view you working from home more frequently/entirely? If you’re good at WFH and your partners generally accept it, I’d probably do it more if not all the time for the next few weeks, pending further info on the outbreak. Even if they don’t like it, they’d (hopefully) feel bad shaming a pregnant woman for being careful of her health!!
Anon says
I would totally work from home! Big law seems to be taking this seriously and pregnancy adds another layer of complexity.
Anonymous says
What does your OB recommend?