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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Buble says
Happy day-after-Thanksgiving-break ladies! It’s coming in to work on days like this that remind me why I love having a career. As much as I love my kids, and spending time with them, after NINE DAYS of family togetherness, it feels unbelievably good to sit down in my SILENT office, drink my hot tea, click away on my keyboard, and just do whatever I want to do for a few moments before starting my work day. Do you all know what I mean?
Cb says
Yes, absolutely! I am a much better mom in the 2 hours a day + weekends I spend with my kid than I would be if I was home all day.
Anon says
I’m the opposite – I don’t think I’d be a good SAHM long term, both because I like my job and my financial independence and also because I don’t think I would do a great job of consistently keeping my kids entertained and engaged with stimulating, age-appropriate activities, but coming back from extended time off with them is really hard. Thanksgiving isn’t such a big deal since it’s just a four day weekend for me, but at Christmas I have 3.5 weeks off and going back in January is absolutely brutal.
rosie says
I’m with you. I don’t know how I’d be long-term as a SAHM, but I liked this time off and it was hard to come back (although I’m not complaining about drinking coffee that someone else made from a mug that someone else will unload from the dishwasher!). My 2.5 has started “sleeping in” a bit (talking 7:30/8), and without feeling like we needed to stay on a schedule, we just let her do that. Plus I felt like there wasn’t pressure to get lots of chores done in a 2-day weekend, could spread them out.
FVNC says
Yeah, same. I’m usually thrilled to get my kids packed off to school, but this holiday was a little different. Even though my kids really thrive on schedules, was nice to have a break over the long weekend from the rushed morning routine. Plus work is gearing up for a busy year-end, when all I want to do is wind down and bake cookies and decorate, waaaaah.
NYCer says
Same here!
Anonymous says
I’m on maternity leave so I’m home. But I have been FANTASIZING about the glory of eating a meal or drinking a mug of coffee/tea in my office while it is still hot. Eating hot food is the ultimate luxury.
Anoner says
Same
So Anon says
Oh yes! My warm coffee, my email and a quiet office. Ahhhh
Anon. says
I am SO with you. Walking the 2.5 year old out the door with his daddy for daycare today was a giant sigh of relief for all of us I think.
lsw says
I’m so with you too, OP. Thank god for my job. And my kids. But both together is the important part.
Anonymous says
I’m not a great SAHM now (2 weeks of sick kids + thanksgiving) b/c I am also, to a greater or lesser degree, juggling a job along with it. So even if work isn’t busy, I have to monitor requests and respond, even though I can WFH when needed.
If I were just a SAHM with no job I think I’d rock it.
Anonymous says
I would rock being a SAHM to school aged children. I just can’t get anything done around the house or in my life while my kids are around.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, absolutely. I had this thought many times throughout the last 4 days, while feeding the kids, cleaning up, loading and unloading the dishwasher, etc. again and again and again… We had a snowstorm last night so I am still home, feeling a bit of cabin fever, but at least daycare was open!
Pogo says
DH opted to wfh b/c of snow, but I was out of there as soon as he cleared the driveway. I can only be inside my house for so long (and I actually went out every single day of the break!!).
Buble says
Yes! And keeping them occupied without resorting to screen time! School does such an amazing job of keeping them engaged — stories, games, songs, dances, toys, friends… a 10-hour day is a LONG time to fill with only one sibling and Mommy/Daddy for entertainment! We went to museums, the library, restaurants, stores, etc. and it was wonderful but how/why do people do it day in and day out?
Pigpen's Mama says
Happy Monday! I figured I’d crowd source comments for this.
When do you let your some-what-sick kid stay home from school?
My Kindergartner is stuffy, sneezy, little lethargic, but not feverish. I’m working from home today, so I told her she could stay home provided she rested, and if she experiences a miraculous recovery, she has to go to school after lunch (luckily lunch is about two hours after school starts). I feel like a sucker, but working mom guilt is strong — my mom was a SAHM when I was in elementary school, and I took liberal advantage of ‘sick days.’
Anonymous says
It’s a hard choice and sometimes you won’t make the right one and you can’t feel bad about that or you’ll drive yourself crazy.
I’ve definitely leaned more on the ‘Advil and go’ with emphasis on the telling teacher if you are too sick to stay and need to come home. I can usually get grandma to pick up if the school does call. We had two days in September that oldest called to come home which was unusual for her so I knew she was legit sick.
avocado says
I don’t let my kid stay home unless she is sick enough that she’d get sent home (fever, vomiting, diarrhea, bacterial infection with antibiotics for < 24 hours). Our district has a draconian attendance policy. In elementary school, 20 absences, excused or unexcused, lead to retention, and in middle and high school missing five classes in a semester or ten classes during the entire year leads to automatic failure in that course. One bout with the flu or pneumonia will use up those allotted absences in a flash, so I'm not going to let her waste them on a cold.
TheElms says
This seems like an incredibly dumb policy to me. Clearly you didn’t make it up, but it annoys me when schools do stuff like this. What happens if your kid is legitimately sick multiple time? My best friend freshman year of high school had mono (had to stay home or in hospital (I can’t remember) while they monitored her extremely enlarged spleen for about a week) and then got pneumonia that required trips to the hospital both in the second half of the school year. I think she was out for about 2 weeks with pneumonia and some of that was while she was in hospital. My school did the IB and allowed freshman to take certain classes early. She was super bright and still did very well in her IB Biology exam (and the rest of her classes) that year. Under the policy described above she would have failed, despite having mastered all the subject matter.
Anon says
It also seems illegal since you can’t discriminate based on disability and a long-term illness like mono or cancer would qualify as a disability.
avocado says
There is a provision for “homebound” education for kids with serious, long-term illnesses like cancer. The problem is with ordinary illnesses like mono, the flu, and pneumonia in otherwise healthy kids.
Buble says
But those absences are permitted — you just need a doctor’s note. The five-absence limit is with NO doctor’s note.
Buble says
Oops — was reading the policy in the wrong post. Agreed that a hard limit with no waiver available is totally unreasonable!
Anon says
I had a SAHM and only got to miss school if I was running a fever or vomiting. I view it less as a working vs stay at home mom thing, and more about thinking school is really important and you can’t miss it unless you’re really sick, which is a value I’m happy to pass on. Plus, our school district has a very strict attendance policy. If you have more than 5 days “unexcused” you can be held back. Sick days with a doctor’s note are excused, but sometimes you have a viral illness with fever or a stomach flu, and need to be home for a day or two but don’t need to see the doctor. I feel strongly that we need to save the 5 days for illnesses like that (or family emergencies like going to see a seriously ill relative – there is funeral leave but no “grandma had a stroke and might not make it another year, we need to go see her now” leave).
Anon says
I was raised by a single parent who worked long hours, so my experiences were the opposite; unless I got really sick (vomiting, etc.), I had perfect attendance.
Honestly, kids care much more about it at the time than they do in retrospect.
Pigpen's Mama says
Well, I ended up taking her to school after she had lunch — since she had a miraculous recovery once she realized that she was 1) entertaining herself, as neither the dog, nor I, was going to play with her and 2) she wasn’t going to be watching TV. On the way there she told me she should have done what I said this morning and gone to school — hah! I don’t expect to hear that for another 30 years.
Katy says
When I was growing up the rule in our house was: if you are too sick for school, you are too sick for activities (swimming, soccer etc.). Because my sister and I loved our sports we rarely took advantage of the fact that we had a SAHM.
I hope to apply this as my kiddo gets older. Right now it is only if he would not be allowed at daycare (vomiting / fever).
EB0220 says
I follow the school rules…fever, vomiting, diarrhea, or unexplained rash = home. Otherwise they go.
Cb says
How do you deal with different parenting styles? My son is demonstrating some mild toddler defiance (yelling poo, the occasional launch of a car or screaming no….nothing dramatic but things that we don’t want to let slide). My husband and I don’t seem to be on the same page about what to expect from our son and how to address it. Neither of us are big yellers and we don’t spank so I’m not concerned about traumatising our child but he thinks I’m too soft and I think he’s too harsh. I think that his expectations for behaviour can be unreasonable and I’m not loving this authoritarian streak which seems at odds with his very loving, engaged everyday behaviour.
How do you get on the same page? Do you have a coherent stance or does it not matter? He’ll talk about it but honestly he’s pretty dismissive of my reading of parenting books / suggestion that research can be helpful.
Anonymous says
We went to couples counselling. His unwillingness to discuss parenting options and resources felt disrespectful to me. They recommended the 1-2-3 Magic program.
Your child is very young I think? It should be a ‘no’ and redirection at this point. Way too young developmentally for punishments like time outs etc – unless the time out is so the adult can calm down.
Cb says
My son is 2.5 so we do use calm down time in lieu of timeouts which is amazingly effective and he’ll sometimes say yes if we ask ‘do you need to go to your cot and calm down?’ I’m a ‘one no mom’ which keeps both of us from getting frustrated but I think my husband will give multiple warnings which contributes to his issuen. I’ll look up 1, 2, 3 Magic and yes, the unwillingness to engage with parenting resources is a sore spot which needs addressing. It’s an emotional labour / inequality thing for me.
Anon Mom says
Similar situation in our house, my husband tends to be one of those people (men?) that will ignore a suggestion I make, but if someone else says it, it’s a good idea. So we listened to 1-2-3 Magic on Audible when our child was about 3 on a few longer drives. It won’t solve all the problems with his lack of engagement, but for us, at least, it got him aware of the concept.
Pogo says
My husband would not sit down and read a parenting book, but I found online a “cheat sheet” for 1,2,3 magic which I emailed to him after a weekend of particularly behavior while I was out of town. He was really receptive to it actually, I think because it was so concise and logical.
The concept also helps with the multiple warnings and inconsistencies – which my husband (and I to an extent) struggle with. I know 2 is young for time outs, but we do a minute of time out for a serious infraction (throwing, hitting, biting, kicking). They introduced time outs at daycare so he knows the drill. I assume your nursery has some kind of system for dealing with behavior? Can you ask them what they do and mirror it at home? Plus that’s another way you can say to your husband “well this is how nursery does it” so it’s not coming from you.
Anonymous says
FWIW – our counselor was super happy to work with people who had a specific issue they wanted to solve vs people who waited years, had a lot of stuff built up and were basically one foot out the door.
DH also did better with the audio book vs reading so maybe that’s an option for you all?
Anonymous says
Yeah this was also my take on (apparently harshly) suggesting counseling. Go now, figure this out early, don’t wait until it becomes a big huge bad thing.
Anonymous says
Couples counseling. Y’all have very different backgrounds, he’s on the spectrum (I think?), he’s dismissive of your thoughts. Go now, while it’s still a little problem about little kid problems.
Anon says
This seems a little harsh. Most couples I know (us included) have a stricter parent and a more lax parent, and it’s normal for there to be some conflict between them. Dismissive of parenting books is it’s own frustration but it’s not equivalent to dismissive of his partner. I didn’t see anything that indicated he was being dismissive of her feelings or refusing to discuss this.
Anonymous says
I responded above but agree that counselling is for when he won’t talk about it or consider resources you want to discuss to find a path forward.
Anonymous says
How is this harsh?!? Couples counseling is a great idea any time you’re struggling to communicate, and I specifically called it a little problem.
Anon says
I think with toddlers in particular (probably older kids too) a coherent stance is critical. DH and I are strict about different things, and we have a kid that lives to test boundaries. We use a 3-2-1 timeout approach, and timeouts work extremely well for our kid (she’s 2.5 – but we started around 15 months when we were at our wits end because redirection is joke given her extreme persistence). Originally they were in the PNP, but now we just sit her on the stairs and explain what she did wrong, let her cry about it for a few minutes and end it with a hug. We also make a point to back each other up (even if it’s something the other person probably wouldn’t have gone to time out for rather than just straight no). Toddler will already run to the other parent and we make a point of saying, for example, daddy said no, you need to not do XYZ, and reinforce the instruction.
Anon says
I highly recommend Janet Lansbury’s podcast, Unruffled! I’ve listened to a bunch of toddler episodes and got my husband to listen to a few as well. I think he’s seen the approach work and it made it that much easier to get him on board (though I he was not reluctant, just time-pressed. But listening on the commute is so much easier than taking time to read at the end of a long day.) It’s especially helpful for learning what’s normal for a toddler. Might be easier than trying to get him to read a book. Good luck.
shortperson says
yes. i would also recommend that you ignore things like “yelling poo.” you are not going to win that battle, just magnify it.
Anon2 says
+1. I’m on my second two-year-old, and in retrospect I can see that I was much too uptight and focused on “discipline” with my first; I did not give him enough patience and I regret it now. Two is still such a baby, and “acting out” is often their way of communicating, vs being “bad”or defiant. Pick very few battles; respond to the rest with loving firmness in the moment and move on with your day.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I think you need to get on the same page about what you will strictly enforce and what is just annoying but doesn’t warrant discipline. Toddlers are very very smart about testing boundaries and if they see different reactions from the parents, the discipline will be at best confusing and at worst will cause them to act in the opposite of how you want. For us, physical aggression (hitting, biting us, throwing things) is always disciplined with time outs and we both enforce it. Other things like yelling, resisting directions, running away, etc. are more just annoying but not disciplined with time outs. I had to laugh at your “yelling poo” – my son yells poopoo every chance he gets, that would be a non-starter for trying to discipline, and is more just funny to him.
Hugs, toddlers are hard. I’m probably the more “authoritarian” one in our relationship, but I’ve read a lot about toddler development and most of what he does is just normal, developmentally appropriate so I really have to check myself sometimes. A lot of this has to do with my own anxieties about control and how he will turn out, so maybe your husband is similar? If he’s open to couples counseling, that would be a great step and something to explore there.
Anon says
I know, I was going to say, we still think it’s kind of hilarious that our almost 2 year old announces it when she poops and farts. I guess at some point we will have to tell her not to do it, but 2 seems early to be so concerned about manners like that. Most parents of 2 year olds are more focused on getting their kids to not hit or bite other kids or injure themselves.
rosie says
Yeah, also I imagine with potty training on the horizon, there’s going to be a lot more bodily function talk before there is less and it’s going to be hard for a kid to understand when it’s ok to make announcements and when it’s not. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself. Maybe if my kid had said “toot toot, so funny!” for the whole synagogue to hear rather than only the people in our immediate vicinity, I would feel differently.
Cb says
I know, I should have more chill about the poo thing but for some reason, potty language pushes my buttons. And my son knows it – he will wait until we are on the bus and sing poo poo pee pee. He is the most well mannered toddler I’ve ever met (unprompted thank you for making dinner, you look beautiful, how was your day?’) and I should just let him have this one thing.
Thanks everyone, lots to think about!
rosie says
Oh so adorable. Yesterday my toddler was finishing some of her uneaten lunch and said (unprompted) “thank you for making these mushrooms.” She also told her dad that she liked his leggings (he was wearing winter running tights). They are such amazing little people. But I definitely think that not reacting is the way to go. My kid loves yelling “crap” to get the reaction.
Shopping help says
What is the digital picture frame that is pricey but people love?
ElisaR says
nixplay
ALC says
It’s my first day back at work after mat leave! And of course I forgot to turn in a form for daycare and have to go home at lunchtime to get it and bring it to daycare. And I was planning to use that time to pump… Ugh wish me luck today.
Nan says
How annoying! Does it *really* HAVE to be in today? I tend to push back on daycare when it comes to things like this – I’d call and let them know I’ll bring it tomorrow. If you really do have to have it today, can daycare give you a new form so you don’t have to run home?
Good luck on your first day back!
Pogo says
Sometimes it’s a legal requirement – so if they were to get audited on that particular day, they could be fined/shut down by the state, depending on how serious it is. Unlikely, but some providers could be more sensitive than others if they’ve been bitten in the past for not having all the correct documents on file at all times (I know mine is).
Lily says
Any recs for a really soft (but absorbent) hooded bath towel that is big enough for a 1-2 year old? I think we have finally outgrown baby’s hooded bamboo towel, but we really loved the fabric (it was from the river store). Are the PB Kids ones any good? TIA!
Anonymous says
Amazon.
rosie says
We were gifted a PB Kids one that is fine. At least the one we have is more baby washcloth material, so it’s not like a typical adult bath towel (feels a little less absorbent to me, although it is softer).
We also have one from the Etsy store Crafting4Caleb, and that is now my go-to for gifting hooded towels. They are normal towel material, can get in a variety of sizes (as well as a poncho style) & colors, monogram & characters available, plus the shop is run to support a kid with special medical needs.
Anon says
We were given a larger PBKids one and my daughter loves it (mostly because of the animal hood). She could use a “real” towel now but enticing her that she gets to “be a bunny” helps to get her out of the bath more easily.
Buble says
Is there a reason the kiddo can’t start using regular towels at this point? I admit I’m on a minimalism kick, which is where this question is coming from, but my kids spend less than 30 seconds in whatever towel I put them in because we go directly from the bath to getting into whatever clothes they’re putting on. And our house is 70+ degrees so they’re not really in danger of getting too cold if their head isn’t covered…
Anonymous says
It is sooooo much easier to get even big kids out of the bath with a hooded towel or robe.
Buble says
Oh like you mean the kid doesn’t want to get out unless they have a fun dinosaur cloth to get into, otherwise they want to keep playing? I honestly hadn’t thought of that, see, this is why we ask questions! It’s never come up for me because I bathe my kids at night when we have no time constraints, and I let them stay in for as long as they want, until they call to me and request to get out (they’re 4 and 5).
In the morning when we’re in a rush, they take a shower, so if it’s time for them to get out and they don’t want to, I just turn the shower off, ha! They don’t stand there naked and wet for very long before rushing into the towel I’m holding open for them. :)
Anonymous says
It’s about the warmth of having the wet hair covered, not the dinosaur spikes.
Anonymous says
I use regular towels to dry my kids, currently newborn and 3.
Anon says
I use regular towels with my 2YO. I liked the baby towels when she was an infant because they’re softer, but she’s also a tall kiddo so she outgrew them pretty quickly and we just moved to regular towels.
Anon says
I never used the hooded bath towels. I’m also a minimalist, plus regular bath towels are much bigger and even with a newborn I felt like the hooded towel wasn’t adequately covering her. They’re cute, but the two I was given as gifts got absolutely no use.
HSAL says
I really like the Target toddler-sized hooded towels from Pillowfort.
Anon says
I’m having an absolutely clusterf*ck of a Monday after the holiday weekend.
1) Cleaning service has been coming every fourth Monday like clockwork for years. I spent several hours tidying up for them last night and then they didn’t show this morning. I called them and they said “Oh, we moved your cleaning to the second Monday of the month, did we not tell you?” Uhhhh…no, no you did not tell me.
2) For some reason, my dependent care FSA decided to reimburse both me and my husband only half the withholding this month, even though we each have pending claims for the max amount. Neither the FSA vendor nor our employer can tell me why, or whether we’ll ever see the remaining November money (a couple hundred dollars!)
3) I got a great new travel rewards credit card and as soon as I got it, several weeks ago, called the hotel we’re vacationing at in a few weeks to give them the new credit card so they could charge the room and tax to that. They assured me it was no problem and everything would be charged to the new card. Woke up this morning to a $3k charge on my old card with negligible rewards.
All first world problems I know, but argggggggh. I want this day/week to be over.
Pogo says
ugh, your #1 is a huge pet peeve of mine. My cleaner is great but has flaked in the past by rescheduling on me at the last minute after I’d already done the tidying up. I know, total first world problem. But it’s annoying.
Anon says
Guys, my almost five year old is so difficult right now. I thought this age was supposed to be easier! It feels like everything is going well then she runs into a corner and has a boo boo and things go to h*** in a handbasket. And everyone’s late to morning drop off. Big feelings and more tears and arguing than we’ve had of late. She’s always been our super strong-willed and more difficult kid.
Can someone weigh in on all the big changes going on for her developmentally so I feel less resentful? I feel bad for resenting it, but she’s taking up so much of our emotional energy. At the expense of her two younger sibs. No major change right now in her life elsewhere, loves school, etc! She’s just kind of a pain! With moments of awesome too!
anon says
Solidarity. My 5-year-old is also a giant PITA right now, and she’s usually our easier kid. Lots of arguing, lots of feelings, lots of literally climbing the walls.
house help says
We employ Amelia Bedelia as a housekeeper. While we were gone for thanksgiving she decided to wash our couch cushion covers. We came home to cushions that are stuffed into comically small covers that look like pillows sitting on the couch base rather than cushions! Any suggestions? It’s a nice couch! These weren’t slipcovers unfortunately… you guys are always so good with these types of questions!
Anonymous says
I can offer no advice, but LOL at Amelia Bedelia.
Anon says
No experience, but my first instinct is something along the lines of wetting, gently stretching and blocking to see if you can get them back to their regular size. I feel like I’ve read advice for wool sweaters that involved hair conditioner or fabric softener maybe? Might be a rabbit hole worth trying.
Anonymous says
This is how my parents ended up with a 70s orangey brown velour sofa with a pink ultrasuede cover that would not fully zip closed, exposing a corner of brown shame. The only solution was to buy a new sofa. (Of course that also allowed them to erase the memory of the pink ultrasuede, which was purchased on clearance. They paid to have slipcovers made and asked the company to prewash the fabric, but discovered too late that they had not). I think they held onto to it for several years first, during which time my mother was always looking for mythical accessories that would “tie the room together”
TheElms says
Try wetting and stretching as noted above. If that doesn’t work, an upholstery shop could make you new couch cushion covers. I don’t know how close the new fabric would be to matching the old but they could probably help you think about whether a close match or something with a pattern for a contrast would be better.
octagon says
Mist with water to wet, then place really heavy things on them to weigh down the cushions, preferably overnight. Ideally you could get to 150-200 lbs of pressure, so think boxes of books plus cast iron pans.
Anon says
My MIL bought a car seat for black friday (without asking). She told us yesterday, so then we had the pleasure of telling her she needed to return it because we are not comfortable with her or my FIL driving kiddo. “But I’ve never had a ticket!” Notwithstanding the lack of police enforcement in this area, I am not comfortable with her eyesight, reaction time or scatterbrained-ness (although if given a choice I would ride with her over my 84 year old FIL who probably shouldn’t even be driving himself around, but that’s another battle). Even if she were to somehow miraculously solve all of those issues, there is nowhere I am comfortable with them taking our very active and strong kiddo out in public without one of us present. As it is I have to bodily carry kiddo through parking lots and full-body wrestle her into the car seat at least a few times a week when she doesn’t want to hold a hand or isn’t ready to leave. And now I’m sure this is going to be A THING, just in time for all the holiday stuff. I already vetoed the Santa photos she wanted because toddler does not like Santa and I’m not into emotionally traumatizing toddler for that.
Anon says
Is there something that your in laws can do with your child? I’d focus on that. I totally understand why you are making your decisions, but it may seem like a lot to your MIL … no car rides, no outings, no Santa visit, etc. Just a suggestion but you may want to ask your husband if he wants to organize something for them to do with kiddo.
Anon says
+1. I’m all for boundaries but I could see where this may all be coming off as a little harsh to your in-laws. I think suggesting an alternative is a good idea.
Anon says
They’re local and see her every week. Plus we do all holidays with them because I refuse to travel with small children (we visit my out-of-town family on off weekends around the holidays instead). DH already invited them to go do a holiday brunch (Santa is OK from a distance) – we were informed they were too busy. DH also invited them to go do a drive-through lights show (no walking for the ILs) which they have tentatively agreed on. I think what makes me the most frustrated is that she tried this stunt a year ago and was roundly vetoed then too, so I don’t know what she thought has changed – in fact her health has gotten worse after a stint in the hospital and a care facility this summer and she fell (again) at our house on Thanksgiving (yes, she tripped over a toy, but there are always toys around with a 2YO – I tripped over my actual kid twice this morning alone).
Anon says
+2. It also strikes me as a bit draconian. I understand drawing a hard line on car safety, but otherwise I would let them do what they want with your kid. Almost every person in America has a photo of themselves crying on Santa’s lap; I promise they are not all emotionally traumatized. Most people probably don’t even remember it.
anon says
Have your DH go on an outing with his mom and your kid; you stay home and don’t worry about whatever it is that they’re doing. I totally understand the hesitation with unsupervised outings; my ILs absolutely do not have the physical ability to handle a child who is apt to bolt.
Blueberries says
I’m sorry—that stinks. If it’s any consolation, these seem like very normal boundaries to me.
A. says
Well, they can keep the carseat — that’s up to them, right? Not your fault if they never (ahem) get a chance to use it!
Outfit help says
What does an over tired, over worked and newly-gained-15 lb, 35 year old mom wear to a Celine Dion concert that she is absolutely shamelessly SO EXCITED to go to with her college besties in two weeks?
Jeans and booties (either black or sand) are for certain but what do I wear on top? It almost certainly needs to be bought new because I’m in the early stages of fertility treatments and whether I only look at or actually consume the carbs, I gain the weight, so nothing fits and I hate shopping right now. Sigh. It’s a season, right? Bonus points if I can get it at Loft, BR, Jcrew or Nordstrom. I’m a size 10/12 normally but def pushing the next size up. Prob a large on top with big hips.
Anonymous says
What fun! How about a drapey leather or faux leather jacket? Nordstrom has a ton of these. They look great even with a simple tee underneath.
Pogo says
This is one of my go-to casual styles. I have a few neutral v-neck tees from American Apparel and pair w/ jeans and a faux leather jacket.
Seafinch says
I so feel this post. I don’t have any helpful advice but I just wanted to say I totally relate and commiserate. I am nursing a newly mobile nine month old and am always at my largest at this point historically. I am often an 8/10 and look feel great then but am now busting out of 10/12, am 9 weeks pregnant with what appears to be a non-viable pregnancy. I look and feel awful. I have a couple of stretchy pencil skirts I have been wearing with chunky sweaters but I basically have two outfits :(
OP says
Girl. I have no words other than my sincerest and deepest sympathies. Buy clothes that fit. All the stretchy pants and chunky sweaters. I’ve resolved that shoehorning myself into clothes that don’t fit is killing me mentally.
I literally just gave up trying to lose weight. I have PCOS so weight has been a perennial struggle. I was in a really good spot before being pregnant with #1, and now since my RE started playing with my hormonal BC, starting up metformin again, and prepping for this next round of treatments… this weight gain is like nothing I’ve known before.
I’m trying to be kind to myself, enjoy this time with my one child (19 months), enjoy the holidays and convince myself that I’ll get back to feeling like me eventually, even if that’s a year + from now. Pregnancy #1 destroyed my body and, for as much as I want #2, I feel so selfish sometimes finding I just want my body back more. At least it’s over sized sweater and legging season?? I’m just tired of people at work blatantly looking at my belly… I just want to scream “NOPE JUST A NEW GUT, THANKS FOR THINKIGN LOUDLY…”. I did find some awesome jeggings at Nordstrom that are going to get me through this winter.
Anon says
I’m seven months along with my first (and probably only) and HOW I WISH SOMEONE WARNED ME about how much this would kill my body image. I don’t think I had body image problems before – well, mild, because a lot of women do – but I cannot begin to express how utterly unprepared I was to feel this bad about myself.
My mother told me on Thanksgiving that my stomach has its own ZIP code. She’s lucky I’m still speaking to her.
Anon says
I’m so sorry. I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks about 5 weeks ago, and it’s really just this week that I’m starting to feel more like myself (and that the hormones have settled and that all of that bloating and early showingness has finally faded and I am back wearing my too snug for early pregnancy clothes). Hang in there (and maybe buy a new a-line or wrap top or dress with the sales today that will fit now and later).
Coach Laura says
NYDJ has a silver sequin loose-fitting top that looks sparkly and fun for a holiday-season concert over jeans. Google “NYDJ sequin tee”. I’ll post link in reply.
Coach Laura says
https://www.nydj.com/sequin-tee/MSQP3946.html It’s not at Nordstroms – at least that I can find – but is on sale on the nydj site today…. just realized that it might be sold out in your size there. But still – sequins and loose fitting you might find somewhere else.
Anonymous says
That is really cute.
Anon in NYC says
Hi folks! Long time, no see. I remember there being threads about long plane rides with little kids, but google is failing me. Can anyone point me to those threads? My family is traveling to Asia with a 4.5 year old in a few months. She’s generally well behaved on (shorter) plane rides, but I’m looking for some tips on how to make a much longer plane ride easier!
Anonymous says
How long is the plane ride? Once you get to the 7 hour territory, I found it helpful to think of a schedule – like we’re going to eat first then we’re going to watch a show for half hour, then we’re going to walk around the plane two times, then we’re going to play go fish for 20 minutes, then we’re going to watch a show for a half hour. Then we’re going to sleep etc.
And sometimes you just have to go with it. On our last trip back from Europe, one twin slept like 4 hours and colored a bunch while the other watched like 6 hours straight of tv – DH was annoyed I let him watch tv non-stop but we are very very low screen time at home and kid was perfectly happy. It’s about survival.
Nan says
I can’t believe anyone would be annoyed about giving a kid too much tv on an airplane! That’s totally a survival situation – bribes, screen time, whatever works to get through the time.
Anonymous says
Yep, tablets in our family are only an airplane thing but if one kid is refusing to nap and 4 hours of Daniel Tiger buys me peace on a cross-country flight, I’m taking it!
GCA says
Hi! We’ve hauled my now 4.5yo back and forth to Asia a couple of times in his lifetime, and will now be doing the trip for the first time with 4.5yo and 16mo (thoughts and prayers appreciated). The trip is a 14h leg and a 6h leg. Big kid gets tablet and headphones, lots of healthyish snacks, one on one time with each parent (get up and walk around the plane; go through the terminal during our layover and pick out one thing to eat).
All our screen time rules go out the window on flights; we apply the same principle to ourselves (when traveling alone, DH often uses that time to catch up on movies…I usually either work, read or sleep). This is very dependent on kid personality, but… origami? Stamp pads and sketchbook? That game where you each sketch half an animal and open up the sheet of paper to see what chimera you came up with? Tell a story one sentence at a time, taking turns?
Anon in NYC says
Thanks! When we’ve flown with her before, it’s typically been ~4 hours. We’ve managed to entertain her with screen time and new toys. I’ve been buying/setting aside new (junk-y) trinkets that should keep her occupied for a period of time. And I’ve never heard of that chimera trick – she might love that!
I think we’ll do what Anon at 11:46 said and try to mentally organize a schedule for the longer haul (~16 hours, I think), and also try to get in some movement during our layover before our shorter leg (~3 hours).
Have you used kid beds or the like to help your older one sleep? Do they work?
GCA says
We’re trying inflatable cushions (after takeoff and once the cabin crew are too busy to bother telling us no!) for the first time this year! Will report back in the new year.
I’m also going to download a few story podcasts to my phone to see if they’ll keep the big kid’s attention. As for the toddler…oof, wish us luck. She is 75% calm and focused (with very good fine motor skills, so I have stickers and painter’s tape for her) and 25% screaming hellkitten.
Anon says
We haven’t done Asia, but this is roughly what we do for Europe with our 2.5 year old except we don’t really care if the snacks are healthy :P
GCA says
Haha, the healthy snack thing is just to offset the sheer volume of snack intake (plus the fact that snacks are probably his only intake for like 24h)…
Anonymous says
My kids are a bit younger than yours but maybe these ideas are helpful.
We did well with stickers over Thanksgiving travel. Those big sheets with hundreds of really small ones were a big hit. We gave them a junk catalog and told them stickers had to stay on the catalog. Alternatively, those reusable sticker books.
Other ideas– Water Wow, painters tape, post it notes. Yes to all the screen time– download any favorite movies ahead of time. If your kids aren’t used to headphones, go with a movie they’ve seen many times and might not need sound for.
Extra clothes in case of accident (including for you, in event of blowout or vomiting).
shortperson says
any advice on what a scientist should wear when she’s interviewing for tenure-track positions in top science departments (including ivies and top west coast schools)? this is for a friend of mine who has been a postdoc forever and spends zero on clothes and is asking my advice, as most of her friends are male scientists. i have offered her free reign in my closet but i dont want to make her look like a lawyer if that’s not what she’s supposed to look like. i did send her to sephora for a makeup consult.
Anon says
My husband is a science professor. He wore khakis, a polo and a sweater to his interviews, but in his field it’s not unheard of, for men at least, to interview in jeans. She should not wear a suit, as that will read juvenile and like she’s nervous about the interview. I would say business casual is good, and probably pants over a skirt (because some men tend to view women in skirts as Very Dressed Up, even if it’s a pretty casual skirt). Quite frankly, I would steer away from make-up too – many women in STEM don’t wear much and I think in general men (who will be most of the interviewers) are more likely to judge women for wearing a lot than for not wearing any.
Anon says
I should amend this to say I’d steer away from *professional* make-up. If she wears make-up normally, it’s fine to wear whatever she puts on daily to the interview. But in my experience (as a non-makeup wearer), if you go to Sephora, even if you request “natural” make-up, you will end up looking (gorgeously) done-up. Perfect for a wedding or other glitzy event, not so great for a job interview, especially in a field where a lot of men have a bias against glamorous women and unfairly equate a plainer look with competence.
Pogo says
I don’t think she was suggesting the friend get her makeup done at Sephora b/f the interview, just to get a consult for new makeup – though if she doesn’t normally wear makeup, I wouldn’t necessarily say she has to start wearing it just for interviews.
However as a woman in STEM I will say that plenty of us wear makeup! It feels like such a dated cliche to think of female scientists and engineers as unfashionable and plain looking.
Anon says
I’m in STEM myself and definitely wasn’t trying to imply that women in STEM are unfashionable or plain. But the bias that plain = smart still exists – particularly if you’re talking about full professors on university hiring committees, who are (sadly) mostly older white men. My point was just that whereas in the business world you might hurt yourself by not wearing “enough” make up, in academia, especially STEM, you’re more likely to hurt yourself by wearing “too much.” Ideally every woman could wear however much makeup she likes but these biases do exist, and in academia they skew the opposite of what makes you generally look “pretty” as judged by society.
Anonymous says
I’m in the same boat as your friend, science post-doc applying for faculty jobs. Faculty in my field (ecology) dress very casually, but I wouldn’t dream of showing up at an interview in jeans, even on the west coast. I also don’t go full-on suit, as that reads too formal to me, but I have friends who do. My uniform is dress pants, blazer, and nice top. I’ll keep the blazer on for the job talk and meetings with the dean and president, but won’t necessarily wear it for meetings with faculty and students. If all my “fancy events” are on one day, I’ll wear a nice cardigan instead of a blazer the second day. I don’t wear makeup normally and also don’t for interviews. I wear earrings and my usual wedding ring and watch, but no other jewelry .
Lab Escapee says
Escapee from science here — and +1 to this and to Anon at 2:07, unfortunately. It was one of the things that I hated about science. It’s one thing to be practically dressed when you’re in the lab — makeup can get into samples, dresses can be a safety hazard, but it’s frustrating that it translates into out of the lab as well.
I would also say that the further the field is from the actual field, the dressier she can be — that is, my friend who is an ornithologist absolutely refused to even LOOK at anything fancier than khakis for work conferences and presentations, whereas my friends who are in chemistry and biology tend to dress up a little more.
This is also US-centric. I believe European academics are more formal, but that was 20 years ago.
shortperson says
thanks for all of the advice! i passed it along and she really appreciates it.
Anon from 1:01 says
Oh yeah, I wear jeans to all conferences, even when I’m giving presentations and would (personally) feel really overdressed otherwise, but for interviews I think you need to be a step above conference attire.
anon says
Help — the winter coat I bought for my preschooler is a dud. It’s a Columbia, which usually works well for us, but this one is terrible and gets soaking wet, quickly. So I need a backup for snow days but really don’t want to spend a tonsince I doubt she’ll be able to wear it again next year. Any good recommendations? I looked at the Cat & Jack 3-in-1 and was not impressed with the material for the price; it seemed like it would also get wet quickly.
Anon in NYC says
We have had good luck with the Boden All Weather. We’re on our second coat from them. We managed to get 2 seasons out of the first coat, and I expect we’ll get 2 seasons out of our current coat. I think they’re currently running a 30% off cyber monday promo. It’s still pricey, but it kept her dry and warm during sledding last year.
Anonymous says
We’ve had no problem with Cat&Jack holding up to playing in the snow, though don’t usually wear it out in rain for long periods of time.
Anonymous says
Hanna Andersson is 50% off today, they have several coats that looks nice although no personal experience.
Anonymous says
I just purchased the Lands End 3 in 1 for my kid. I was very impressed with the quality
Anonymous says
A friend of mine used to swear by The Children’s Place 3 in 1, and we had at least one. We’re in NYC. I generally get something used from ebay, and just try to find down (which I figure is always pretty warm, unlike synthetics of unknown provenance) + a brand I know.
Anon. says
My toddler is wearing Children’s Place 3 in 1. It held up well to lots of outside snow time at Grandma & Grandpa’s farm over the holidays and washed nicely.
Artemis says
I have only ever bought Children’s Place 3-in-1 winter jackets for my kids, and every size I’ve bought has made it through hand-me-downs to all 3 of my kids and are still in good enough shape when we’re done to donate. They are fantastic and you can’t beat the price, especially if you catch a sale (which is often). They carry matching snow pants/bib pants as well. Have used them in rain and snow, from mid-Atlantic winters to skiing out West.
Also, something about Children’s Place sizing is magical, and/or my kids don’t have huge growth spurts–most of the jackets have fit each one of them for two seasons in whatever size I buy.
Anonymous says
Silly advice – my husband and I are thinking of asking two couples from daycare that we have gotten to know to come (with kids obviously) for a weekend to our family’s cabin. Our kids are besties and we get along well with the other parents, and have hung out with them a fair amount of times, though not together. I tossed this idea out there to each of the moms a while ago and they seemed into it. But I’m wondering how to ask while giving them a gracious way to say no, if they don’t want to or think it’s weird. I guess in part because I’m worried they will think it’s weird! We go up with friends all the time, but it’s not like we’re friends with these parents, exactly. Or are we? I know I am overthinking this, but I don’t want to make anyone feel pressured or uncomfortable with the offer. Any suggestions? Other than just getting over myself, which is a good suggestion
Nan says
I think it’s fine to ask, but personally I’d be more comfortable easing into these friendships a bit first. Maybe dinner at your house before committing to a whole weekend?
As I say this, I am laughing at how much making adult friends is like dating, at least in my head.
Nan says
Oh wait, I think I misread this. If the kids are coming too then I think it’s not as weird. I’d go ahead and ask in that situation!
Anonymous says
Yes! Kids are coming too, and we have had dinner with both of these couples (at our house and their houses). And yes, it does feel like dating to me haha! “Is it too soon?”
Anonymous says
I would just ask with a certain date in mind so they can “have plans” if they aren’t into it. You can probably tell by their response if they’re genuinely interested in rescheduling.
FWIW, I would be interested in something like this for one night– two nights would be a lot to spend with people I don’t know well.
Blueberries says
This sounds like a wonderful invitation! I think asking for a specific weekend allows them to decline gracefully.
Anon says
Offer a specific plan that they can either join or decline – “We are planning to go to our cabin on C-Y date and we’d love for you and Kid to join us! We usually arrive on Saturday around 10am, do XYZ activities, and leave Sunday around Y time. You’re welcome to stay for all or part of the weekend as suits your schedule.”
anon says
We started going camping with a couple of families like this when the oldests were around 5, and we are very good friends with one of those families today. I say do it! Traveling with kid friends is the best.
Irish Midori says
Whew. I made it through my mediation today, and now that the adrenaline rush is coming down I am contemplating whether to go to the hospital to see whether they will deliver this baby. I feel like the conversation would go something like: Me: Can I have my baby now? Nurse: Are you feeling contractions? Me: Maybe? Nurse: regular ones? Me: um, not really. Nurse, any other signs of labor? Me: uh, no… Just super miserable. Nurse: congrats, you’re pregnant, go home.
I guess I’ll just save the co-pay.
Anon says
Probably, sorry! The last days of pregnancy are so hard! (Though I did recently read an article that some doctors are electively inducing at 37 weeks – I don’t think it’s the norm unless you’re overdue.) hang in there!
Anon says
My doctor is doing an elective induction at 39 weeks. I’m “advanced maternal age;” she doesn’t like her older patients going over their due dates; so she figures we may as well just schedule the induction at week 39 and asked if I was okay with that.
I want to throw a parade for her.
Anon says
37 weeks is very early, it’s not even technically considered full term anymore. I’ve heard of elective inductions at 39 weeks, especially for women who’ve already given birth before.
Anon says
Oops, I meant 39 weeks, not 37!
Anon says
Hug?
How far along are you?
Irish Midori says
I’m just at 37 weeks, so little chance they’d entertain an elective delivery now. I’m scheduled for a c section at 39 weeks (AMA, complicated history w/ prior c section, not a great candidate for a VBAC), so there’s an end date out there. It’s just that at my appointment a week ago I was 80% effaced, so I’m kind of on pins and needles over here.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Hang in there! Are you close to 40 weeks? My doc stripped my membranes a few days before my due date for DS2 and labor started the next day so maybe you can try that.
Anonymous says
This worked for me as well, although I was much farther along (41+5).