I always turn to Brass when I’m looking to update my working wardrobe basics.
Their Modern Trouser is on the top of my list. This sleek pant is made from stretch cotton twill that’s perfect for year-round wear. There’s even a hidden elastic waistband — perfect for those of us transitioning back to “real” pants.
Wear it with a button-down as pictured or even a silk shell and jacket.
Brass’ Modern Trouser is $128 and available in sizes 0–18. It comes in black, oak, and olive.
Looking for other washable workwear? See all of our recent recommendations for washable clothes for work, or check out our roundup of the best brands for washable workwear.
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
Has anyone been to a Beaches resort? Or other recs for a warm weather all-inclusive that’s good for little kids?
Anonymous says
If you are up for a cruise, a Disney Caribbean cruise was one of the most enjoyable family vacations we’ve ever taken and is perfect for little kids. I’m not sure I’m ready to get back on a cruise ship at this point, but I know some people are.
Anonymous says
Or even just a regular cruise. Disney cruises are stupidly expensive and I don’t personally feel like the Disney element adds that much to a trip that’s already very kid-friendly. Any big cruise ship will have tons of activities and entertainment for kids.
Anonymous says
I’ve never taken a cruise with kids, but my friends that have taken Disney cruises rave about the features of the ship that make it easier with kids, so I have to think there is something to the Disney cruises.
Anonymous says
Everyone raves about Disney cruises! I’m sure they’re awesome, my question is what the incremental gain is over any other cruise that has a decent “kids club.” We’re taking our kids on a non-Disney cruise next month. I’ll report back. :)
Also, I’m now getting a bunch of Disney ads thanks to this thread. haha
Anonymous says
We didn’t even use the kids’ club and I would absolutely choose a Disney cruise again. It is just a really nice cruise with decent food, amazing service, extremely clean cabins (very important to me), a nice private island, and good entertainment. It doesn’t have the sleazy vibe that I get from cheaper cruise lines.
Anonymous says
So I’ve cruised on Princess, Disney and Celebrity with kids (and a bunch of other cruise lines without kids). Disney is not a particularly upscale cruise line. You’re paying for the Disney “magic,” not for good food or facilities. I think overall Disney is pretty comparable to Royal Caribbean in terms of food and facilities. Nicer than Carnival (or so I hear, I’ve never been on Carnival) but not quite as nice as Princess or Holland America. Celebrity is by far the nicest of the “mass market” cruise lines and is IMO much nicer than Disney and all the others I mentioned. But Disney is usually substantially more expensive than Celebrity (and way way more than Royal Caribbean, etc.) and IMO their itineraries also tend to be worse (fewer ports, less interesting ports). Our kids aren’t particularly into Disney characters, but they enjoyed the non-Disney cruises we’ve done more than Disney, and I thought the food on Disney was the worst of the three cruises we’ve done with kids. I’m not sure what you mean about a “sleazy vibe” but I haven’t experienced that on any cruise I’ve been on. Caveat that we haven’t been on Carnival, which is generally considered the lowest budget cruise line, and that we normally cruise Europe and nature areas like Alaska more than the Caribbean so we don’t really see the spring break party crowd.
But we are not Disney people. If you love Disney and want a more relaxing alternative to the parks, it makes sense to me. If you just want a cruise with kids, I would choose a different line personally. The last time I priced out a cruise Disney was more than twice as expensive as many other cruise lines and our family doesn’t really see the benefits to make added cost worth it.
Anonymous says
Anon at 11:17 have you been on a non-Disney cruise? Because amazing service, lots of entertainment, clean cabins, a private island in the Caribbean and decent food are all pretty standard across the industry. It sounds like you’re just snobby about cruises and like that you can still label yourself “not a cruise person” if you only enjoy $$$$ Disney cruises. But if you enjoyed a Disney cruise, I suspect you would enjoy other cruise lines too. The food, service, entertainment and cleanliness are not any better (and often worse) on Disney compared to other cruises I’ve been on.
Anon at 11:13 again says
Thank you, 11:44. I’ve been on Royal Caribbean (Bahamas) and Celebrity (Europe, transatlantic) without kids, and 100% agree that the Celebrity brand is significantly better for food & experience … but the Royal Caribbean cruise we went on 5+ ago was still clean and relaxing, had good entertainment and decent food, and seemed very kid-friendly, even on one of the older ships in their fleet. My husband grew up in a cruise family and went on oodles of cruises when he and his siblings were young, none of them Disney, and has fond memories of them.
A Disney cruise for my family of 5 would be $15k+ last I checked. We’re bringing grandparents along on our 7-night Royal Caribbean cruise next month and the total cost for 4 state rooms, 2 adjoining balcony rooms for my immediate family and 2 more for the grandparents, is well under $10k, excluding tips. Granted, there are amazing deals on cruises right now because the industry is reeling from the pandemic, but still. I just want to understand what else I’d get for twice the price on a Disney cruise.
Anonymous says
My parents belong to the Karisma time share, and they specifically bill as family friendly- we went to the Generations in Mexico just recently and Jamaica a few years ago. The resort provides cribs, pack n plays, beach toys, etc, and there are kids clubs (which we didn’t use, because my kids, under 5, just wanted to play in the pool and beach). We really love it- good food, drinks, no cooking or cleaning! Our kids struggled a bit at night at the restaurants, but we generally ate early and they’re pretty good about bringing food quickly if you need it, and there is always a buffet open if necessary.
Lyssa says
We went to Generations last year and had a wonderful time. Food was really good, the pool staff was excellent with kids activities (foam parties, races, dancing, etc.). The kids loved that they could swim up to the bar and order smoothies, and the balcony pool was very neat. There’s also an adult resort adjacent, so if you can leave the kids, you can enjoy that, too. Downsides were that the beach itself wasn’t great (too much seaweed to swim), and it would have been nice to have more grab and go/casual food options if you weren’t feeling like a sit-down meal.
Anonymous says
We just stayed at the Casitas next to Generations in December and I HIGHLY recommend it. Good to know the kids side is just as good. My loving friends hosted the wedding at generations since a lot of us have kids and of course, zero couples brought their kids and we all stayed in the casitas haha
Anon says
What is the Jamaica one called? I can’t find it.
Anonymous says
Azul Beach Resort Negril by Karisma
Anonymous says
Name in a separate comment, but to add more details, it was a bit of a drive from the airport, but my husband liked the scenery. The best part about it is the beach- it it just an amazing and beautiful beach for little kids- calm, clear, and shallow. My kids loved bouncing back and forth from the beach to the pool, they were truly living their best lives. The food was good but got repetitive and I would say is not as good as the food at the Azul Mexico resorts.
Anon says
Thanks!
anon says
Who styled this model? The pants are clearly too small. They pull at the hips and crotch, and make her look like she has a lower belly pooch. Certainly doesn’t make me want to buy these
Anonymous says
+ a million. My first reaction was “wow, those are not flattering pants”
Realist says
+1. That model doesn’t even look that tall and the pants are well above her ankle. Maybe I’m just from the Victorian era, but if I’m wearing pants I want my ankles covered. I’ll wear a skirt if it is warm enough to be flashing my ankles.
Aunt Jamesina says
I actually think the cropped length is the only flattering part of these pants. These look fine to me from the knees down!
Anonymous says
My thoughts exactly.
Anon says
A lot of people don’t wear pants only when it’s cold. The cropped length is fine. They are definitely way too small for this model, though.
buffybot says
I’m solo parenting this week and started thinking this morning about my admittedly very subjective list of Least Annoying Kid Shows (munchkin is 4). Just for fun, thought I would share it here and would love to hear about whether I am missing anything good (or conversely, if you hate one of these shows – let out the vent). My criteria are not scientific, but generally “non annoying” means that there isn’t a song or character voice that makes me want to gouge my eyes out, there is arguably some valuable content in there, and it doesn’t center around the same villain making the SAME bad choices over and over again and being saved by the heroes without ever learning anything (I’m looking at you, Mayor Humdinger).
By platform:
Netflix: Waffles & Mochi, Ada Twist Scientist, Trash Truck, Gabby’s Dollhouse (although I wish the kid didn’t make me play the songs over and over again)
Amazon Prime: Molly of Denali, Paddington
Disney: Bluey (always Bluey, forever), maybe Winnie the Pooh
Apple TV: Stillwater
Cb says
Things I can tolerate: Octonauts (but the OG song was better), Magic School Bus, Dragon Rescue Riders, Super Wings, Tittipo (my kid won’t watch it anymore, but I love those little trains), Gecko’s Garage, Winnie the Pooh.
My son won’t watch Bluey, and he’s obsessed with Lego City and Lego Jurassic Park which I find really annoying. Ninjago is the forbidden fruit, I think it’s too violent.
Pogo says
I love Gecko. So calming.
Anon says
i didn’t know Amazon had Paddington – we’ll have to try that. We used to only watch Daniel Tiger, but then got hooked on Cocomelon after dealing with a sick period (which is the worst ever) and now we watch IF You Give a Mouse a Cookie (i have 3.75 year old twins)
buffybot says
Paddington (the show) is very sweet and sincere but also funny! (the movies are also great). Plus charming British accents.
I’ll also second Cb’s rec for Octonauts! Had forgotten about them (although Creature Report is a smidge annoying).
Anonymous says
Word Girl, Wild Kratz, Odd Squad. Odd squad skews a little older. All are somewhat entertaining for me plus kids.
Anon says
Everyone loves Bluey but it makes me feel like a very inadequate parent. No I don’t want to turn everything into a fun silly game. Sometimes I just want to tell my kid to do something and have her do it.
I know it’s unpopular but I actually find Peppa the least annoying of the thee shows my 4 year old loves (Bluey, Peppa, Daniel Tiger). I’m studying Italian and I’ve actually voluntarily watched Peppa by myself to help improve my Italian. I couldn’t follow a show for adults but Peppa is about the right level for me and having some familiarity with the English episodes from watching with my kid helps.
Anon says
i dont like Bluey bc the episodes are too short. I like the format of Daniel Tiger where it is like two mini episodes within one episode
NYCer says
I don’t mind Peppa either.
Pogo says
I loved Daniel Tiger but my 4yo is over it. He went through a very short Peppa phase and it also didn’t bother me too much.
Anon Lawyer says
I love Bluey but I can’t imagine any real parents ever playing along with that many games even when they’re late for work and school or whatever.
Anon says
My husband does. I think part of why I dislike Bluey so much is because my husband is basically the human embodiment of Bandit and I already have low key resentment/insecurity that I’m not “the fun parent” and the show reinforces it.
TheElms says
I like these ones on Netflix: Shaun the Sheep, Puffin Rock, Go Dog Go, Storybots
Anon. says
Wild Kratts
Dinosaur Train
Stinky and Dirty
Cb says
I like Dinosaur Train and Stinky and Dirty as well. Both have good songs.
Pogo says
lol singing the songs in my head now
Anonymous says
I hate Dinosaur Train with the fire of a thousand suns.
Anon says
Dinosaur train! Dinosaur train! We’re gonna riiiiiiiiiiide the dinosaur train.
Screeeeeech
My kid is in a Dino phase right now
Boston Legal Eagle says
Octonauts, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, agree on Titipo and Stinky and Dirty listed above. I like Bluey too and the short episodes don’t bother me – they autostart on the next episode on our TV! My older kid didn’t really get into Daniel Tiger but I suspect he was too young when we started.
GCA says
Molly of Denali, Stinky & Dirty, my almost 7yo and the 3.5yo (by osmosis) are now into Hero Elementary from PBS Kids, and always Bluey. Maybe Super Wings, but my personal problem with Super Wings is that the kids are constantly fighting over who gets to be which character in pretend play…
EDAnon says
I enjoy Hero Elementary and Ready Jet Go.
Anon says
My “favorite” shows that DD (4.5) watches:
Disney: Doc McStuffins, Elena of Avalor
PBS: Wild Kratts, Esme and Roy, Sesame Street
Netflix: Super Monsters, Barbie Dreamhouse, Ada Twist Scientist, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Emily’s Wonder Lab, all the baking competition shows, Floor is Lava, Miraculous Ladybug
Shows that make me want to cry: Blippi, Ryan’s World, PJ Masks, Sofia the First (the sister is so whiny!), Cocomelon, Molly of Denali (the theme song is like nails on a chalkboard to me).
buffybot says
I actually love the Molly song! But agreed on all of the others you hate. Whenever I let my kid watch Blippi (which is plenty frequent, don’t get me wrong) I am thrust into a spiral of self-loathing. Like you can hear the kid’s neurons rotting from across the room. Repeating color names is not educational and he misuses words constantly!!
Pogo says
ugh Blippi. hard no.
Anon says
Puffin Rock is cute and almost relaxing. It’s a nice break from Fireman Sam, which my kid loves but is extremely annoying.
Anon says
Oh fireman Sam. Once bored out of my mind I started googling it and found a blog post written by a dad who speculated that Norman is really sams son because they are the only people in the town with red hair and Norman seems to get away with everything. I can’t watch it without thinking about this.
To answer the original question I do not mind curious George, peppa, wild kratts.
buffybot says
For me, Fireman Sam absolutely falls into the category of “villain” (Norman) never actually suffers real consequences or learns his lesson. Ugh.
Anon says
I have a high tolerance for “annoying kids entertainment” but Fireman Sam is just too much for me. I can’t stand it but my 4 year old loves it. Screentime always ends early when she wants to watch it.
DLC says
Our five year old loves Stinky and Dirty. Mr. Rogers Neighborhood has several episodes on Amazon.
Also Snoopy on Apple+
When my ten year old was that age, she watched tons of Doc McStuffins and Dino Train.
The kids and my husband are also really into watching lengthy videos on YouTube of trains, especially snowplow trains.
+1 to Peppa for foreign language. Even I sometimes sit with the kids to watch the mandarin version.
Anonymous says
The shows my daughter (3) likes that I do not find annoying at all:
PBS: Daniel Tiger, Elinor Wonders Why, Xavier Riddle and the Secret Museum
Disney+: Doc McStuffins, Bluey
Yea that’s about it. Haha. Right now she also loves Spidey and His Amazing Friends and Alice’s Wonderland Bakery, both on Disney+. They aren’t too bad, but not my faves. She used to really like Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and I found that one verrrry annoying. This may be blasphemous, but I find Mickey’s voice very grating.
Mary Moo Cow says
Arthur! I want to watch the new, last episodes just by myself.
Anonymous says
Apple TV has a Charlie Brown cartoon about the kids going to NASA and learning about space that is really well done! Very accurate. And has Nicole Byer as the voice of the computer (love her!).
Anon Lawyer says
What do people like for 2-year-olds? I like Bluey and my daughter likes Daniel Tiger and Doc McStuffins. Is she old enough for Molly of Denali? Because that sounds neat.
Daniel Tiger is objectively good but there reaches a point sometimes where I’m like “shut up, Daniel, I KNOW things were different at your old school” or whatever. And Doc McStuffins gets a bit repetitive.
Anonymous says
Wild Kratts, at least for older 2s.
Mary Moo Cow says
I would say Molly of Denali is more like 5-7. For 2 year olds, Splash and Bubbles on PBS kids, maybe? There’s also one about alphabet trains, I think.
Anon says
We tried to show my then 3.5 year old Molly of Denali and it went way over head, so I’d say 2 is definitely too young for that.
Anonymous says
The old Adam West Batman series is great for 4-year-olds. It’s so bad it’s good.
buffybot says
My husband has shown my son the original Ghostbusters cartoons and some Scooby Doo from the 70s which is, uh, certainly a choice.
Anonymous says
Mr Rogers, hands down!
Aunt Jamesina says
Is it weird that I occasionally play Mister Roger’s episodes to watch on my own? He’s so calming.
Spirograph says
Nope, not weird. I love Mister Rogers. My kids are ostensibly too old for him, but they still like to watch him before bed sometimes because he’s just a nice, soothing way to end the day.
avocado says
At the beginning of the pandemic we watched several episodes of Mr. Rogers with our daughter, then 13. The whole family enjoyed it. My husband likes the factory visits. I like the jazz piano.
Anonymous says
Sesame Street. There are so many funny little things hidden in there for parents.
Anon says
I thought Stillwater was a reference to the recent Matt Damon movie and I was so confused.
Cb says
Parenting victory. We had my son’s friend over for a playdate as the friend’s parents needed to work late and it was so, so nice. I picked up the boys from school/nursery, my mom made mini pizzas so they could select their toppings, they sat on their own in the dining room “like grownups”, and I’ve convinced them cherry yoghurt is a “pudding”. Once they finished dinner, they played Lego for another hour until L got picked up. Meanwhile, we all had a civilized dinner and sat and chatted.
EDAnon says
That’s awesome!
Anonymous says
We just moved, and I’m having so much trouble focusing on work (I work from home)! There is still so much to unpack, and clean, and organize… Plus we have some work being done on parts of the house so there are a lot of distractions. I am considering going to a coffee shop to work, but I’m not sure if there are any spots nearby that are welcoming laptop-ers during COVID. Any other advice?
GCA says
Local library?
Anonymous says
+1
Cb says
I feel you. I kept saying I was going to unpack slowly when we moved last year, and then my husband came home and the whole downstairs was done because I couldn’t cope. Could you spend a morning getting one room sorted and shut yourself in there? Use meetings where your participation isn’t required to unpack a few boxes?
AnonM says
Where are you working? If you can, organize your office. Then, close the door. Do not do any house work during your work hours. When we first moved and still when I’m busy at work, I don’t do anything house related 9-5. Not the dishwasher even. Because otherwise it’s overwhelming and/or becomes a way to procrastinate at work and I pay for later when I’m behind. Also go back to using the pomorodo timer online during times when I need to reset my productivity. Solidarity. Moving was so hard for me – I love my house now but the first month of it was a challenge.
Anon says
Noise cancelling headphones and shut the door. Maybe set a defined time every workday to unpack (e.g., an hour after dinner) and it will be less tempting if there is a defined time for it.
Realist says
Assuming it could be in the budget, I’d be tempted to hire a professional organizer and have her unpack and organize after giving some very broad pointers. Who cares if it isn’t perfect. At least it gets done. I hate moving because there are just weeks of work that somehow need to get done, squeezed in around ordinary life.
Anonymous says
I have two close friends and one of them is fading and I’m sad about it. I’ve done everything in my capacity to keep the friendship going and now I feel it’s time to let it go. I’m going to therapy later but just wanted to mourn to some internet strangers.
Cb says
I’m sorry, that is so so hard.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m sorry. I’ve had one previously close friend (was in my wedding) stop responding to texts and it was hurtful but I try to think of it as a friendship that served its purpose and time, and isn’t where it once was based one our current life stages. Maybe we’ll reconnect one day but maybe not. I’m not someone who has friends from childhood that I still keep in tough with though, due to moving around a lot, so I’m ok with finding new close friends in each season of life.
Anon says
Sorry you went through that but it’s comforting to know I’m not the only one who had a friendship end with someone who was a bridesmaid. I feel very alone in that sometimes.
Anon says
i’m another person who had a friendship sort of fade with someone who was a bridesmaid. it’s now been 10 years since our wedding and sometimes still makes me sad
Spirograph says
Me too. I’ve tried emailing, texting, calling… but we just kinda grew apart. It’s sad, but I do have new friends that I love.
Mary Moo Cow says
Definitely not! I was a bridesmaid whose friendship ended with the wedding.
AnonM says
Yes same. For what it’s worth, they really might come back into your life later. My mom had a bridesmaid I never new growing up, and now later in life they’re both single (divorce and death) and have a wonderful time hanging out. The friend had a very difficult stretch when her kids were young and her husband was difficult to put it nicely. It’s really beautiful honestly. But my mom also is incredibly understanding and is not resentful her friend was absent for many years- I think because when my mom lost her husband the friend stepped up big at a stage in life my mom really needed her. (I also rarely if ever talk to few of my bridesmaids too.) TLDR; life can work out in strange ways so if it’s someone you love maybe just have some patience and not write them off completely. It might not be personal at all!
Anonymous says
Same! I felt like I was asked just because she “needed one more” and it was pretty much the end of our friendship.
NLD in NYC says
Hugs. It’s hard when friends fade. I hold on to this saying/poem: “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.” Mourn, but also hold on to the good that this person brought into your life for that season.
Anon says
so i just met a new potential mom friend. she was super nice. somehow it came up in conversation that her husband is fairly conservative politically and is a Trump supporter, though she is not. (we live in a blue city in a red state). i have ZERO issue with Bush era republicans or people who generally have different ideas than i do, but I just can’t with Trump. He just seems like such a terrible terrible person and while I am not opposed to every single one of his political ideas, our country never should have had someone like him as president and I have trouble wrapping my head around the idea that you can say that you aren’t sexist, racist, etc. etc. and then vote for Trump. i don’t have any other friends who are Trump supporters, nor do I have any family who is. I can’t decide if I want to pursue this friendship or not. Thoughts?
Anon says
I’ve cut several Trump supporters out of my life and no regrets. For a real friendship this would be a dealbreaker for me. For an acquaintance, fine. But I just can’t put up with his supporters or the people who stay in marriages with his supporters. I get that for them it probably feels complicated, but it just isn’t for me. It is a moral boundary. I actually had one reach out yesterday trying to renew ties, oblivious to what the Texas Governor just proposed for trans kids and their families. My tip to his supporters on reaching out to friends that cut you out would be to do it in one of those tiny and rare windows where the GOP isn’t actually engaging in harm to people they care about.
OP says
it also feels like a moral boundary to me as well, which is why i even posted this, so i’m glad to know i’m not the only person who feels this way. we’ll probably meet up again with the kids one time at a playground, but other than that i think it would be hard for me to pursue a stronger, longer term friendship. i know it was an unrealistic view of how the whole country operates, but sometimes i really miss my blue bubble in the northeast
Anon says
It is moral. Obviously most people don’t see it that way, but I do.
It seems cliche but I see it asked on social media “Do you ever wonder what you would have done during [the time of slavery, or the Holocaust]? You are doing it now.” This feels true to me. I never want to be the equivalent a “Good German.” I don’t think humanity has changed much since WWII, and most Germans chose to be Good Germans back then even if they privately disliked the Nazis, so I wouldn’t expect a different result from humanity now. Too many people are just willing to overlook some really awful facts if it serves their interests.
I couldn’t be friends with someone willing to overlook, or be in denial about, her husband’s misogyny, racism, and everything else that Trump represents. Trump is just a new face on a very old evil, one that relies very much on those of us who are uncomfortable with it to put our politeness ahead of our moral values. That just isn’t for me.
anon says
You *just* met this person. How soon are you going to meet her husband? Give it some time. Don’t be so quick to write the person off.
Anonymous says
Actually, the fact that she just met the person makes it easier and more excusable to write the person off.
Anon says
I agree. Cutting off a lifelong friend or family member should be done with a lot more care and thought than choosing not to pursue a deeper friendship with someone you just met.
Anonymous says
Let’s tease this out a bit. What does “Trump supporter” mean? Someone that voted for Trump? Someone that went out and donated to him from the beginning? Someone that rocks a MAGA hat and subscribes to conspiracy theories about stolen elections?
Being friends with someone that has a politically conservative spouse is not a deal-breaker for me, provided they can engage in intellectual debate or not discuss politics at all. I have 0 interest in a relationship with my grandfather or grandmother, who will rave on and on, not debate anything, and watch Fox News religiously.
Look, you live in a red state. Just because they don’t come out and tell you, you probably have many conservative friends and neighbors. My parents are both generally conservative. My mom is a dumb fox news watching one; my dad is socially fairly liberal but fiscally conservative (he was very pro Bush and Reagan). My dad voted for Obama once, and had Major Issues during 2016 because he did not want to vote for Hillary (“the worst Democrat”) but also just could not vote for Trump either. He ended up voting for Hillary. It doesn’t actually matter as he’s in a blue state but it was a big deal and Trump was “so bad” that he went the “anyone but Trump. No seriously, even Hillary.”
Anonymous says
Conservative and Trump supporter are two different things. Also, OP just met this woman and already learned in a getting-to-know-you conversation that the husband is a Trump supporter. That is a big red flag.
Anon says
My dad is also a lifelong conservative and Clinton-hater who voted for Hillary even though it pained him greatly to do so. That’s the opposite of supporting Trump – Trump was so horrible that your dad and mine felt they had no choice but to vote for Hillary, even though they despised her.
Anon says
There’s an echo chamber on the left around Trump. Compare the percentage of Hispanics (men and women) and black men who voted for him versus Bush, McCain, and Romney – Trump did unusually well. He did better with married women than married men. His support was low with the upper-middle class, because Trump separated people on class lines and not racial lines. The issues are far more nuanced than the echo chamber lets them be.
If you don’t want to be friends with someone who didn’t *divorce her husband* over his vote, that’s on you. You get the dealbreakers you want. But stop pretending that it’s a moral boundary when it’s a CLASS boundary.
Aunt Jamesina says
Trump transcended class lines, though. He had substantial support from upper middle class white people. I don’t think OP expects that this person divorces her husband, but you are who you choose to keep close company with and it raises questions about this potential friend’s values.
OP says
what?!? this woman’s husband is a well-paid doctor. what does class have to do with this?
Anon says
Are you in Houston? If this is the woman I know from college with a fairly religious (Jewish) doctor husband who supports Trump, she supports him too and just pretends she doesn’t to be more accepted in the socially liberal circles they run in. ;) (Tongue firmly planted in cheek. I realize it’s probably not the same people, but I think the dynamic of the wife being less vocal about her support is fairly common.)
OP says
I actually am in Houston, but there is likely more than one Jewish doctor who is a Trump supporter. Wish i could know if it was the same person
Anonymous says
It’s not about whether the wife divorced her husband over his vote. It’s about the fact that OP will inevitably come in contact with the husband, and the fact that the wife married someone who obviously had racist and/or fascist tendencies or he wouldn’t have voted for Trump.
Anonymous says
I mean…. there are Trump supporters and there are Trump supporters. My mom’s partner is a wonderful man who is a blue collar worker from an evangelical family in middle america, not very sophisticated in his media consumption, and right in the target audience for Trump’s brand. He’s not politically involved at all (he doesn’t even vote), isn’t a vocal supporter, and is actually very tolerant on many social issues because they’re relevant to his own family members, but a lot of Trump’s messaging resonates with him. I despise Trumpism as much as anyone, but it doesn’t keep me from enjoying partner’s company, and I certainly don’t avoid my mom over it.
AnonM says
One thing I’ll add is not pursuing a friendship over what you see as a red flag makes sense to me tbh. Now would I disown family over it? No, i have not. Would I try to be bffs with someone new to my life that loves Trump? Also no.
Anon says
thanks. this is where i’m struggling. since i have no history with this person it would be one thing if i already knew about all of their wonderful qualities or what was important to them, etc. her husband is actually one of the worst kind of trump supporters (to me). a semi religious jew (i am jewish) who supports Trump bc of his pro Israel stance and pretends all of his racism, sexism, being xenophobic, etc. doesn’t matter. And yes I realize Ivanka’s husband is Jewish, but literally most of what Trump stands for is at such odds with mainstream jewish values
Spirograph says
I’m just really shocked you got all of this out of a single conversation. And if you did, I feel like the other mom is vetting *you.* Like, “I’m just gonna throw this information out there and see if she’s a ‘Lib’ that runs screaming the other direction.” In which case, yes. It sounds like ultimately you’re not compatible if you’re hesitating. (No judgement on that at all)
If you might be jumping to conclusions — like if she actually said her husband supports Trump’s position on Israel rather than that he supports Trump, full stop — maybe feel it out a bit more.
Anon says
I was flamed for saying this before, but I don’t have any interest in maintaining personal relationships with people who support Trump or the current version of the Republican party, which in my opinion includes simply voting for them. Reasonable people can disagree on policy but as you said Trump and his ilk stand for sexism, racism, xenophobia not to mention the downfall of democracy, and I am not interested in maintaining a friendship with anyone who would support those values. I live in a purple-ish part of a very red state so it would be nearly impossible for me to cease interacting with everyone who voted for him, but I hold my friends to higher standards than I hold my auto mechanic. That said, if the friend did not vote for him herself it would not be a dealbreaker for me. You can be friends with her without being friends with her husband, right?
anon says
This just happened to me, but more extreme – we really clicked with another family at our kids’ school event and later find out that one of the parents is a partner in a law firm representing Trump on all sorts of frivolous claims (after he was dropped by his more “establishment” firm).
We will be kind but will not be pursuing any additional friendship with them and will not encourage our kids to seek out friendship with their children (though we will not actively discourage, they are free to make their own friends and of course their children are not responsible for the sins of the parents, etc). It’s really tough but our compromise is to be civil and kind and that’s it, though we will call out BS if we ever hear any of that discussed.
Anonymous says
I would not pursue this friendship unless you are looking for drama. The Trumpers bring the drama like no one else. You will inevitably be exposed to it unless you can somehow establish and maintain a friendship with the wife only and never, ever hang out with one another’s families, which is difficult to do when you have kids.
Anonymous says
This happens to me at work more than with personal life, but it just bums me out when I find out someone is a Trump supporter/anti-vax. One of the weirdest things to me is as a white person other white people feel like they can confide their racism in me and I’m like uhhh whattt, no, not ok.
Anonymous says
So you can’t be friends with someone whose *spouse* has different views than you? Aren’t liberals supposed to be welcoming and inclusive? But I guess only welcoming and inclusive to people who believe the same things you do? Sorry, this just irks me.
Anon Lawyer says
This is a straw man. Being welcoming and inclusive of, say, immigrants is not the same as being welcoming and inclusive of someone who hates immigrants. They’re not morally equivalent.
Not saying one way or the other what the OP should do but I hate this argument.
Anon says
People have different views on whether chocolate is delicious or how to best do sleep training. People with “different views” on racism and fascism are racists and fascists.
Liberals are inclusive, welcoming, and tolerant of everything but those who are intolerant, and it is pretty easy to see why that is the case with even a simplistic thought exercise. People who tolerate racism are racists, and so forth.
Glad to clear that up for you.
Anon says
“People have different views on whether chocolate is delicious or how to best do sleep training. People with “different views” on racism and fascism are racists and fascists.”
Yes, this.
anon says
Yep. And if someone doesn’t want to be my friend because I believe in antiracism and women’s rights, good riddance. It can go both ways.
Anonymous says
Not OP. I have friends from across the political spectrum, but they all believe that all human beings are people with innate dignity and worth. Beyond that line, no, I will not befriend someone whose beliefs differ from mine. I will be polite but I will not engage on a personal level.
Anon says
so i’m jewish and liberal. should i be welcoming and inclusive of antisemitics? how does that work exactly?
Anon says
Popper’s Paradox: The one thing a tolerant society cannot tolerate is intolerance.
Sorry you’re “irked” but Popper lived through WWII and clearly has a higher IQ than most Americans.
anonamommy says
Does anyone have experience with the Davidson Young Scholars program? It looks like DD (5) qualifies based on the testing we did for school admissions. Curious if it’s worthwhile or just another token thing to have.
Anonymous says
We didn’t sign up because it seemed kind of extreme and I wish I had while the test scores were still valid. I would have used the educational consulting services when we had issues with the public school later on.
anon says
I’m a first time mom of an 8 month old. I’ve been incredibly lucky that through a combo of good maternity leave (5.5 months) and continued WFH due to omicron, I have not had to leave my baby, although WFH for two months without childcare was of course insanely hard. (My DH and I would take turns with the baby throughout the day, and she’s a good napper, so it was doable for a short stretch but of course suboptimal from a productivity perspective.)
Now we finally have a nanny, and I have started going in to the office a few days a week. I’m so relieved to finally get some uninterrupted work time, but I’m missing the baby soooo much. I look at pictures of her during conference calls. I keep texting my husband asking how the baby is doing (even though I know she is totally fine with very experienced nanny). I thought I would actually enjoy getting back to the office and being an adult again. I didn’t expect this to be so hard. Part of me just wants to throw in the towel and be home with the baby all day, but I’m the main breadwinner so that will never happen. I think hormones and biology are playing a big role here (and I’m still nursing), but I am a bit surprised by myself – I used to be all about my career and the job I love, but now all I want to do is snuggle the baby.
Mary Moo Cow says
Hugs. Returning to work is hard. I went back and 8 weeks with my first and 12 with my second, and I remember it as being harder the second time around, which I attributed to more bonding time and her developmental phase.
You didn’t say how long you’ve been in the office, but give it some time. The first few weeks are so hard. Day one is a novelty, and the novelty slowly wears off over the first week, but somewhere after the first week or so, it becomes routine. FWIW, I looked at pictures all day for the first 4 years of daycare, so that might not change with time.
anon OP says
Thanks. I’m on week 2 of being back in the office, so hopefully it will get easier. But like you I will probably keep looking at pictures of my baby for years. :)
Anon says
I went back to the office at 18 months, having long since weaned. It was really awful for the first few weeks; I actually switched jobs to one with shorter hours and a shorter commute. It’s been about a year, and now, I would like to play a bit more but am overall fairly content.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Aww, hugs. It’s totally normal to feel this way, especially about your first baby! It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t work outside the home or that you’re doing something wrong. That’s why a lot of advice is to give it 6 months-1 year after returning to work before making any big decisions. Because things can and do change so quickly. For me personally, I found months 4-9 with a baby to be the best because they sleep better and are all smiley and happy. Toddlers though… I find that season challenging. Being home all day with a toddler is a level of both exhaustion and boredom that I never felt before. So for now, take it day by day, and embrace the WFH at least a few days a week, and I think you’ll get used to it and find a new form of “balance” between kid and career that will probably look different than before.
AnonM says
This. Maybe you can wfh and take your breaks with baby. Get all the baby snuggles you can! I was so upset going back to the office with my first too. That intense pull to them did lesson with time/weaning from nursing. But I wish I’d have just listened to my own needs more and accepted that I wanted to just snuggle baby all weekend and do it!
Anon says
It will get easier. This is around the hardest age to be apart from them, because they’re cute and interactive but not really able to communicate the way older children can, so you can’t explain when you’ll be home or tell them you’ll miss them and have them understand what you mean. Also, honestly? When they start throwing tantrums, it gets a lot easier to be apart from them. I almost quit my job when my first was around this age and it wasn’t that long before I was very grateful I got to go to an office every day. (Cue someone showing up and saying I hate my kids and shouldn’t have had them. I promise I love them and I don’t regret having them, but I would not have been a good SAHM and I did not fully appreciate that until they got out of the baby stage. SAHM to a baby – especially one who is sleeping through the night – is very different than SAHM to a toddler or preschooler.)
Anonymous says
Right there with you. I had no desire to be a SAHM until they were in elementary school.
Pogo says
Totally normal. I think hormones are a huge part of it. With my first I remembered missing his little milky baby smell – there are definitely some primal forces at work that make you want to keep your young snuggled up with you!
It gets much easier, as they walk and talk and go to preschool they have their own lives and you feel more confident about them being in the world without you. I think in an ideal world it would be like Canada or Europe where you could stay home with the baby for the first year or so – but alas.
It was much easier with my second as well – same nanny took care of him as did his brother so it felt really seamless. I still wanted to snuggle him all day though!
Anonymous says
I wonder whether it would be easier to leave an infant at day care than home with a nanny. I loved dropping my baby off at her wonderful day care, but I would have been resentful to hand her over to a nanny who got to stay “home” with her all day.
Anon says
It was much easier for me to leave my daughter at daycare (started at 16 months) than with a nanny (which we had from 11-15 months). It was less about me being resentful of the nanny and more that my daughter seemed much happier in the daycare environment. With the nanny she would scream and cry and cling to my leg every day. It was awful. Daycare I think there were tears the first two or maybe three days but after that she would just toddle off to play. Our daycare is excellent and our nanny was not great, so perhaps if we’d had a better nanny things would have been different. But I think all the new toys and kids her age at daycare were good distractions and made it easier for her to say goodbye to us.
anon says
Thank you, everyone. It’s helpful to hear that this is common and that it will get easier. I think I’m a bit surprised by the strong biological drive to just be close to my baby at all times. (I really thought i was the kind of person who would be happy to be back at work.) And of course that drive is made even stronger by the fact that she’s currently a sweet smelling magical unicorn baby who sleeps through the night and just wants to cuddle and giggle when she’s awake. Once she’s a feisty toddler I may actually be relieved to be at work! I think I also have a bit of untreated PPA but knowing she has a very caring and experienced nanny helps a lot.
Anonymous says
My kids are 1 and 3 and I still look at pictures of them during the day. It’s hard, and pretty much by definition you’ll have to compromise in some way. For me that has meant staying at a job where I work probably ~35 hours a week without anyone noticing. I’m not as challenged as I’d like intellectually, and I still get overwhelmed with work + life responsibilities, but it’s manageable and I feel lucky to see my kids as much as I do.