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I find NPR’s podcast How I Built This, about entrepreneurs and the companies they built, absolutely fascinating (probably because I find the prospect of creating and running a business terrifying). A recent episode featured Melissa Butler, founder of The Lip Bar.
Afterwards, I started thinking about adding lipstick back into my makeup routine. Over the years, I’ve used lipstick sporadically — I’ve always had trouble finding a go-to color in a texture and finish that felt right.
I love that The Lip Bar, as a Black-owned business, centers its products around the needs of Black and diverse women. Their products are also vegan and cruelty-free.
After looking at the various colors (The Lip Bar’s website features an easy-to-use shade finder), I’m torn between going bold with Cosmo (a rich red) or subtle with Baby Bellini (the perfect nude). A new lipstick might be the quickest way to brighten my look and mood for my next Zoom meeting!
Lipsticks from The Lip Bar are available at Target for $11.99 in select colors. For their full range of colors (as well as their other products), you can buy directly from The Lip Bar for $13, with some shades on sale for $8 and up.
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 50% off full-price dresses, jackets & shoes; $30 off pants & skirts; extra 50% off sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything; extra 20% off purchase
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles; 60% off swim; up to 40% off everything else
- J.Crew – Mid-Season Sale: Extra 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off spring-to-summer styles
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Spring Mid-Season Sale: Up to 50% off 100s of styles
- Nordstrom: Free 2-day shipping for a limited time (eligible items)
- Talbots – Spring Sale: 40% off + extra 15% off all markdowns; 30% off new T by Talbots
- Zappos – 29,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off spring faves; 25% off new arrivals; up to 30% off spring
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Up to 60% off sale styles; up to 50% off kids’ spring-to-summer styles
- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
AIMS says
The only lipstick that I consistently use is the Dior lip glow, but I would love to be the kind of woman that just puts on a bright red lipstick on my way out the door and actually looks good.
Question about kids gloves – for little kids (say, 3 year olds) do gloves /mittens that actually fit and stay on exist? I feel like whatever we have tried either fits like casts on my kids so they can’t grip anything, falls off immediately or both.
Pogo says
We have the LL Bean toddler Cold Buster mittens and they actually work really well! They did not fit well last year (age 2.5 – was such a challenge to get his thumb into the thumb hole) but are perfect now at 3.5.
anon says
For non-snow play, we’ve always done best with the cheap acrylic stretch gloves or mittens. We did mittens until the kids were better at getting their fingers in the correct holes, around age 4, and then switched to gloves You can get them for super cheap on Amazon.
anon says
For toddlers (ages 1-3), I sewed a ribbon onto the cuff of each glove and ran the ribbon through the arms of their coat so the mittens wouldn’t get lost. It worked great and the mittens lasted for a couple of kids without getting lost.
Clementine says
So for actual play in the snow, I also like the gauntlet-style mittens like Pogo’s LLBean ColdBusters (we also have a North Face pair). The key for me is that they have to open up so you can get their fingers in there, even if it’s just the thumb.
(Pro tip from my MIL – we sing ‘where is Thumbkin to get them to wiggle their thumbs into the thumb hole).
For just ‘it’s cold and I don’t want my kid’s hands to freeze’, acrylic mittens but ON A STRING. I’ve been known to literally sew a ribbon onto my kid’s cheapo mittens so they can just hang through the coat and not get lost.
Anonymous says
The Hanna Andersson sweater knit mittens are great for tiny kids but are not waterproof. They seem to be sold out for the season, though.
Cb says
I found a pair of Goretex mittens at H&M and my toddler will tolerate those if it is properly snowing, they kind of bind at the wrist. On just generally cold days, he won’t wear gloves or mittens but will tolerate socks on his hands, because…toddler? I just grab them out of the mismatched sock pile.
Katy says
I think the key is that they have to be pretty “fitted”. The Kombi mitts I bought for last year (age 2) actually fit properly now at age 3 (although based on size chart should be too small). They actually keep his hands quite warm too – would definitely recommend.
In terms of staying on (and keeping snow outside through rough play: e.g. quite literally diving into snow banks), put the mitts on before coat. This mitts are gathered at the wrist and go midway up the arm and he has a coat with a pretty good “seal” at the cuff, so the combination keeps everything secure. At school they put the mitts on last (so the kids can dress themselves) and while his mitts stay on they ride up letting snow come in at the cuff. (This might be a size thing – but the smaller mitt allows him to actually play).
For Canadians: Shout out to the MEG Toaster Suit (and the 2 piece snow suit equivalent). It is fantastic.
AwayEmily says
I cannot say enough good things about SnowStoppers (which I think I heard about on this site). They are totally waterproof and both my kids (including my extremely picky 3yo) wear them happily. They are able to pick things up, hold on to sled handles, wield sticks in dangerous ways, etc. And the long cuff means they stay on (they are meant to be worn under coats but we often put them on over as well.
I recommend ordering directly from the website — there’s free, very fast shipping and usually you can Google around for a discount code.
Your 3yo is probably right between a Small and a Medium — my just-turned-3yo is happy in either.
AIMS says
‘Wielding sticks in dangerous ways’ is exactly the kind of review I come here for! Thank you, sounds perfect!
Anonymous says
Another vote for snowstoppers!
Anon. says
+1
My 3.5 year old needs the Medium. Complained that the small from last year was too tight and refused to wear.
And yeah, for regular non-snow days I just use cheapo strechy mittens. Buy a 5 pack at the beginning of winter and hope to have at least one pair left by March.
Anon says
Yep, I bought some on the recommendation of this site for both my boys and they do not come off. They are great. For warmer days, I bought a multipack of cheap acrylic gloves from Target
Spirograph says
We have some Head mittens that stay on well. The touchscreen ones are slimmer profile and OK for just warmth, and the big puffy ones are good for playing in the snow.
I would not do gloves for any kid under about 5, before that it takes forever for them to get their fingers into the right places. Besides, gloves aren’t as warm!
Anon says
Polarn o Pyret playground gloves are great – fit awesome and they grip. On snowy days I double up with the POP waterproof mittens on top.
AIMS says
This is such a great list, guys! I’m saving it all, thank you!
asdf says
I use duct tape to attach my 2.5 yos mittens to his coat. It’s the only way I can reliably keep his mittens on his hands.
Anon says
MY 3 year old has gap cold control mittens and also some head mittens that look (to me) like pink and purple boxing gloves because they are so puffy on the backs and that zip all the way up her wrist. Both stay on and she has decent dexterity – I got poked with plenty of sticks and hit by plenty of snowballs this weekend. My top trick is to put mittens on first, then the jacket so the jacket helps hold them on.
LBoogie says
I recently started wearing lipstick on video calls and have gotten more compliments than ever expected! I used to default to bolder eye and nude lip. I got a sample in a subscription box and tried it with just some mascara and light cheek tint. It’s now my go to work look! Try something with a little more color than you’re used to.
Cb says
I think I need to do the same. My normal fair skin has turned ghostly and I just look like a potato on Zoom calls these days.
Anonymous says
I have noticed that on Zoom I need to dial back the eye makeup and add a bit more cheek and lip color than usual. Plus tons of undereye concealer.
anne-on says
This – I’ve swapped to a shimmer-free brown eye shadow to give my eyes some depth and then WAAAY more blush than I would wear in normal life plus a slightly more pigmented pinky-nude lip. It reminds me of ‘newscaster makeup’ MUCH more than I’d wear in real life but otherwise I look like a also look like a potato ;)
Anonymous says
Fun fact, there is a feature on zoom that will add digital makeup to your face. The lipstick one actually works pretty well, although if you take a drink while on camera your “lips” will still show in front of the cup.
Anonymous says
this is cracking me up. Thanks for the warning, I would not love it if that happened while I was on a call.
Anonymous says
Yes! My son messed with my zoom settings and I could not figure out for like a week why my lips were a. purple, and b. leaving a shadow of themselves if I blocked my real lips.
Anonymous says
I feel like I might do this on purpose with some close members of my team for laughs.
AwayEmily says
You all inspired me to place a new makeup order from Target! Zombie begone!
A says
Any fun ideas for kids for Valentine’s Day this year? My daughter is very much looking forward to it, and in the midst of this pandemic winter, I am okay with doing more celebratory activities (at home, to be clear…) than we normally would.
Anonymous says
I don’t know how much we’ll celebrate on the actual day, but I bought packs of multicolored paper doilies and my daughter had a blast making fancy valentines for all her neighborhood friends yesterday.
Anon says
My 3 year old is getting a Primary dress with hearts on it (she needed new clothing and it’s suitable for everyday wear), an “I Love You Baby Shark” book, heart-shaped donuts for breakfast and we’re making heart shaped cookies together. I also let her take home a giant heart-shaped singing balloon from the grocery store a couple weeks ago (and the balloon is miraculously still alive) so we’re calling that a V-day present too. It’s a lot but she’s been obsessed with hearts since she was an infant and is a February birthday so we pretty much celebrate all of February tbh.
Mary Moo Cow says
We decorated upstairs and downstairs this year, with banners and heart wreaths hung on bedroom doors, and pulled out the Valentine’s plates and bowls. We bought or made cards and sent them to family. We’ll give the kids a small gift (ostentatiously wrapped to make it seem super festive) and heart shaped balloons on Sunday morning, with a special breakfast, and then have pizza and a movie with heart-shaped cake for dinner.
I had no idea a heart shaped cake was so easy — one square cake, orientated as a diamond, with one half of a round cake on each top edge. Bonus is that this cake is going to be upcycled with green, purple, and yellow sprinkles and a plastic baby as our king cake on Tuesday. We don’t typically make a big deal of Mardi Gras, but we are this year!
anon. says
Same. We bought all kinds of Mardi Gras outdoor decorations at my kids’ request and decorated our trees with old beads. The loss of parades seemed to be a big hit emotionally after this whole year of hits, so making a big deal of it is fun.
Clementine says
Heart Shaped pancakes and bacon roses are on the menu over here, along with fruit cut with heart shaped cookie cutters (mommy gets the edges).
Anonymous says
Please explain more about these bacon roses!
OtterMom says
I’ve made them! You use a mini-muffin tin, and coil up the bacon in a spiral, and bake! They do look approximate to roses. For an extra touch, take the blooms off of fake flowers and put the bacon roses on the stems
AIMS says
We have a fresh pasta place that makes red heart shaped ravioli that my kids love, so that’s one tradition we observe. Baking valentines cookies is another. We are sending valentines to everyone. I know there was a lot of complaints about cards for school but I feel like it’s a good way for my 5 year to practice writing so i am for it. Also, her dad gets her flowers and she loves it.
I let them watch all the valentines specials on PBS and cut out pink and red paper hearts to decorate the house with. Oh and hot cocoa because everything is better with hot cocoa.
Anon says
every time my kids see a heart they say it is for “Love Day” as they are huge Daniel Tiger fans so I think they will be excited when they wake up sunday morning and see that DH and I have decorated, planning on heart shaped pancakes (think i’m going to try the sheet pan method – any tips?) with strawberries, some busy toddler style hear-related activities, giving them some socks with hearts (they already have a bunch of clothes with hearts on them), and we’ve colored and mailed cards to relatives. we are skipping the cookie baking/decorating this year bc we are jewish and will be baking for Purim a few weeks later and i feel like we’ve been in treat overload. this weekend they did a small heart themed craft that they will give to our nanny, along with cards and some chocolates
Anon says
This is random but Pete the Cat has a kind of funny Valentines Day episode and the some of the songs don’t suck so I’ve been playing those on repeat. (Same for their XMas special, Dave Mathews sings one of those songs!).
Anon says
I hung a heart wreath and we have been breaking out little presents this week and next. Pink yoga mat for kiddo (3) so she will stop stealing mine. Grandparents sent some legos this week and themed hand towels, and next week I have stashed away some candy for each of us. I was going to make valentines with kiddo to send to our relatives since she has lately gotten into cutting (into super tiny pieces) and gluing things (thanks for nothing, Gabby’s Dollhouse!), but it snowed so we went out and played in that instead and no one will be the wiser!
Anonymous says
I bought new v-day books for the kids which we’ve been reading, giving them both a balloon and candy and cards in the morning. Possibly heart shaped fruit if I have energy
Anonanonanon says
I ordered each elaborate pop-up cards and a tube of valentine’s m&ms. I found white and pink balloons in our party stash so might decorate with those as well. I was going to do a new book for each kid, but I ended up busting out the books early out of snow day desperation.
Neither of my kids like pancakes, but I do have a pan for miniature cakes that are shaped like different flowers, maybe I’ll do muffins in those.
Anonforthis says
My husband announced this weekend that he does not want a second child. I am mad and sad and disappointed. We have one son who is 1,5 years old now. I always imagined and we agreed to try for a second when DS is around three years.
My husband says that he just doesnt want to do the newborn stage again, that two will make it so much harder and he doesnt think our marriage would survive it. Unkind words were spoken on boths sides. We have marriage counselling scheduled for Wednesday.
Has anyone dealt with this situation? Compromise is not possible and I do not know how we will overcome this.
Anon says
I understand your disappointment and anger, but if one parent doesn’t want to bring a child into the world, it’s unfair to that potential child to coerce the person to do so.
Anon says
+1. This. My parents had a kid because my mom wanted one, and my dad agreed in the interests of keeping my mom happy. It was sh1tty and I was aware from a very young age my dad didn’t want me.
Anon says
Gently, compromise is possible. Lots of people compromise on how many kids they want because their spouse feels differently. And what’s the alternative? Divorce? That comes with lots of negative consequences for your current family and kid, and is no guarantee you’ll find yourself getting the second baby you so hope for. The only woman I know who ended a marriage because of family planning never got remarried or had more kids but her husband (who had opposed adding to their family) had kids with another woman (the new wife was younger and wanted kids). I understand your disappointment, but I think it’s a mistake to go into this thinking compromise is impossible or you should give up on your marriage over this.
I also think the pandemic probably is a factor here and since the end is (hopefully) in sight, can you table this discussion until you’re both vaccinated, assuming he/you will be more comfortable broadening your support networks once you and loved ones are vaccinated?
Anon says
“And what’s the alternative? Divorce? That comes with lots of negative consequences for your current family and kid, and is no guarantee you’ll find yourself getting the second baby you so hope for.”
This is harsh but I think a necessary way of looking at this.
NYCer says
I agree. If you really are going into this with the “there is no compromise” attitude, then it seems like the only other option is divorce. Someone is going to have to compromise otherwise!
Compromises says
I think there are other compromises too. I was in this same situation. I can’t promise there same results but here’s how it turned out for me: (1) I got counseling and truly truly accepted that one child would be fine and let him know but we agreed to keep talking; (2) we had many terrible conversations “debating” it where I was basically the heart wants what the heart wants; (3) I agreed to everything he wanted to make his life easier including moving cities and not getting a pet and he truly agreed he did want a second; (5) I got pregnant after moving; (6) he flipped out for about seven months of the pregnancy and it was pretty awful; (7) our second is the light of our family and we could not imagine life without her, he’s a fantastic dad of two AND we’re not in the city I want to live in nor have we gotten a pandemic pup.
Anonymous says
You need to decide which is more important to you, another child or your marriage. If you badger your husband into having a second child when he knows he does not have the capacity, it will eventually destroy your marriage. Anything that you and your husband “agreed to” in the past, either before your first was born or when your first was in a developmental stage that your husband found easier, is not relevant.
Anonymous says
I disagree that it’s irrelevant and this sounds really dismissive. If it’s important to her and she feels like she was bait-and-switched, that could destroy the marriage just as much as badgering him into something he didn’t want. I would have been devastated if I still wanted more children and my husband suddenly decided he was one and done when number of children >1 was something we’d discussed numerous times and I thought we were compatible on. Marriages only work when you fundamentally agree on where you want to go together in life, and number of children is one of those fundamentals.
Anonymous says
The point is that nobody can ever know how many kids they really want until they actually have one. Part of it is that you don’t know how hard it will be until you have one. Another part is that the first child’s personality and needs are relevant to how much more you can handle.
Anonymous says
Everything you say about parenting before you’re actually a parent is completely hypothetical. I understand why she’s devastated, but I don’t think it’s helpful or fair to blame her husband for changing his mind. You just can’t know for sure how many you want until you know what parenting is like, plus the decision to add one more child always depends on your existing kid(s) and their needs.
Anonymous says
If both parents are tapped out and know they can’t handle any more, sure, pre-kids hypotheticals are irrelevant because you still fundamentally agree where you’re going. That’s not what the OP described.
This isn’t about assigning blame, it’s about recognizing her feelings are valid. If she wants another child, and believes that the biggest or sole obstacle to having one is her husband’s preference, that’s a recipe for resentment.
Anonymous says
Her feelings are valid, I’m not denying that, and I think she should get therapy to work through them. But I think if either parent is tapped out and knows they can’t handle more, pre-kid hypotheticals are still invalid. It doesn’t take agreement between the parties to render pre-kid statements hypothetical, even though it’s an unfortunate and hurtful situation for the person who wants more.
Anonymous says
She describes one parent, her husband, as being tapped out. If one parent is at max capacity, that’s reason enough to put on the brakes.
OP has a right to feel disappointed, but if she cares about her husband she cannot insist on having her way.
Anonymous says
You overcome it by not being mad at your husband for wanting to preserve your marriage, for starters. You overcome it by listening to each other. You overcome it by wanting to make it work.
Or you don’t! And you get a divorce.
Anonymous says
Also, breath. Take time. You don’t have to figure this all out today or Wednesday
Anonymous says
+1. This is not really the time to be making any big life decisions because (1) you are in the thick of things with a toddler and (2) life has been turned upside down thanks to a global pandemic. The focus needs to be on surviving the present with as little damage to your sanity and marriage as possible.
Anonymous says
Unless you want to be divorced, listen to your husband when he tells you your marriage will not survive a second child. I don’t even think this is something you need marriage counseling for since I subscribe to “whoever wants fewer kids wins.” Work with an individual counselor to come to terms with your disappointment and grief, because it is a real loss. Or decide you want a divorce and move out, but divorce doesn’t guarantee you’ll be able to give your child a sibling, certainly not a close-in-age one.
Anon4this says
I’m sorry that must be very hurtful. I tend to think that the parent who would prefer fewer children should be deferred to because the alternative will be bad for the future child. But this is especially hard when you had discussed and agreed on an alternative plan. I think 1.5-2 years olds are really challenging. There are have been a lot of comments to that effect here recently. I have one currently and completely agree.
When you’re in counseling I think it would be worth exploring how much of your husband’s decision is because “now” is really hard. By the time your son is 3 hopefully the pandemic will be well under control / largely an unpleasant memory and he will be easier to manage on a day to day basis so the strain on your marriage might not seem as large. Think about what you and he want in 5 years, in 10 years, in 20 years. I think a lot of people just agree to grin and bear it for the little kid years if that isn’t their thing because they want years 5-20+. If that’s the case, what are your options to lighten the load when you have 2 rather than 1? Could you afford to add more childcare, cleaning help, or other help that your husband might find meaningful? My husband and I just went through this decision and I was the one that was more uncertain and these are the things we talked through that helped me see that it could be manageable.
Anonymous says
Eh, I feel like plans kind of go out the window once you actually experience parenthood and anyone who thinks someone should be bound by what they promised before kids is kind of naive about the realities of parenthood.
Anonymous says
Yup. My husband originally wanted four kids but was willing to compromise at three. Then we actually had one.
Anon says
I’m so sorry. I’ve been there and we eventually did have two kids. It’s been so so so incredibly hard, harder than one can possibky express. The whole two is no harder than one is BS. My husband had similar concerns and he’s been right 100%. We’re slogging through and I truly hope that it will get easier but it’s so incredibly challenging to have two kids. There is truly no break. That being said, I cannot imagine having only one and I’m glad I pushed hard. I know my husband loves both, but I do a lot more of the heavy lifting rightly or wrongly because I know I’m the one that pushed for this.
Spirograph says
I’m sorry, and it’s understandable for you to be upset about this. I think you’re on the right track with marriage counseling. The fact that your husband feels like your marriage wouldn’t survive another baby says to me that there are some communication, balance, or other issues that need some sunshine. If you are able to resolve those, he may feel differently about your ability to handle a second child.
He is obviously not wrong that two kids is harder than one, and a newborn with a preschooler is harder than a newborn alone. There are also significant short- and long-term opportunity costs in both money and time to having another child. But… we do hard things all the time because they’re worth it. And babies grow up quickly! Compromise isn’t possible, but I think you both owe it to each other to explore what life would two kids would look like past the baby years and come to a place where you agree that whatever decision is the best for both of you.
Anon says
I think saying there must be inherent problems in the marriage is a little unfair. I’m one of those people who regularly says my marriage would not survive us having a second child and I don’t think we have any major issues currently (in fact, I feel like we’re a lot happier than many of my friends). I just know myself and I know that I wouldn’t handle the stress of two very well and that my husband would bear the brunt of my frustration, and that would be very bad for our relationship. To be fair, because of biology, it’s harder for a male spouse to remove parenting work from his wife’s plate than the other way around, but I still feel like it’s valid for a man to feel he simply cannot handle another child and it doesn’t mean their marriage is already breaking down.
Spirograph says
I’m sorry if that’s how it came across; I didn’t mean to imply there are “problems,” just topics that need discussion. To me, there’s a disconnect if one partner thinks that the marriage is not strong enough to weather another kid, and the other disagrees. That’s worth talking about! Like you, I get stressed and shut down or take things out on my husband sometimes. It doesn’t mean our marriage has problems, but it’s something that needed discussion and mutual recognition that it’s a limiting factor in how much we should take on. My husband said no to another baby, and I understood his reasons (my response to stress among them) and accepted them.
Him just saying, “babies are hard, and our marriage won’t survive if we do that again” would not have gotten me there. I’m sure OP’s conversation with her husband wasn’t that simplistic, but what I’m trying to say is that there is some bigger reason for his feelings, and they need to explore that more so that they end up on the same page. If there are hurtful things being said in the course of this conversation, a marriage counselor is probably a good idea to keep things constructive.
Anonymous says
I don’t agree that saying a marriage will not survive a second kid means that the marriage is not “strong enough.” In a strong marriage, both spouses work together as a team, support one another, and acknowledge their individual and joint limitations. If another child would push OP’s husband beyond his individual breaking point, he will not be available to be a good partner and the marriage will suffer. That doesn’t mean the marriage is inherently weak.
Spirograph says
That is exactly my point. There’s a disconnect in perception here. That doesn’t mean the marriage is weak, it means they need to get on the same page about it.
anon says
Yes to therapy, but I don’t think you should approach it as “if we go through this checklist and life gets better in these ways, he’ll want a baby.” That was what a friend of mine did in this situation. They do not have the second baby, and their marriage is now pretty fragile after a lot of “but I did X for you! why can’t we have the baby now?” and the like. She thought he would change his mind; he knew he would not but was happy to work on their marriage in general and felt manipulated and pressured by her approach, miscommunications everywhere. It’s pretty awful.
Anon says
I’m so sorry you are going through this! It sounds really hard. I do think your husband may change his mind. When my daughter was 1.5, I was almost 100% certain that we shouldn’t have another kid whereas my husband was interested in expanding the family. We also exchanged some unkind words in our discussions but made up fairly quickly. My daughter is now four and we are expecting # 2 any day. I feel more comfortable having a second now that my daughter is more independent. We also moved closer to my family and my job has been a bit less high-pressure recently. Perhaps he would be more willing to consider another kid if you could change certain life circumstances to make raising kids easier and less stressful on the marriage? Thinking of you!
Anon says
This is a great point. It’s also worth compromising on the “ideal” age gap between kids if it makes the other parent more comfortable.
Anon says
I’m sorry, that’s rough. The first couple of years are hard. I’d focus on improving your marriage and consider the possibility that he may feel differently when the pandemic is over and your 1.5 year old is older, particularly if you’re in a financial position get some additional help with the newborn stage (postpartum doula, etc.)
At some point, you may have to choose between another child and your marriage but with all you have going on right now, I personally would give it some time
Boston Legal Eagle says
This is hard. I’ll give you my thoughts as someone with two kids, close in age, and whose parents only had one because one parent didn’t want more kids. Two kids is hard. There’s no getting around that. It’s hard on your marriage, your free time, your sense of self, etc. (at least it is for me). I would not want to be with someone who doesn’t feel 100% in it and willing to do the hard work with me, or who resents me for having a second child and all of the work and logistics that comes with it. I am the one who wanted two kids more than my husband, but he was definitely willing to have more than one, and it takes both of us putting in 120% just to take care of these kids and the house and work, etc. And I know some will say that once you get through the littles years, it’s supposed to get easier, but that is still a lot of time where your marriage is strained if one person doesn’t want the extra human in your lives. FWIW, I think my parents would have had a much more strained relationship if the other parent had insisted on having more kids. When I was a kid, I wanted siblings, but I see now that their relationship with each other and their career goals were improved by just having one because one parent didn’t want more kids.
I think you should discuss your disappointment in therapy and hear what he has to say. But if he doesn’t want another child, then I don’t think it’s fair to try to convince him otherwise.
Anonymous says
We struggle with this.
I really struggled post partum and even before the kid was born we were pretty sure that we only wanted 1 – but it wasn’t 100% definitive. My hubby then “changed his mind” and wanted 2 (so they would be 2 years apart) and I knew that I couldn’t cope at that time; he respected that but was disappointed. Now that LO is three, (and sleeps!), I kind of want another one because in 20 years, won’t we be happy to have a bigger family?? BUT we are both concerned that our marriage couldn’t take it given that we both require alone time for our mental health. AND DH says they would be too far apart.
It is an on-going conversation.
Anon says
Them being too far apart (and ~4 years really isn’t that far apart) doesn’t matter much as adults. I think that’s a silly reason to stop if want you want is a bigger family in 20 years. I’m one and done so I obviously think just one is fine, but I think in 20 years the age gap won’t matter at all (unless you’re talking like 10 years or more).
Anonymous says
Anon from above… I totally agree! our real issue is that we “agreed” on one and done (for lots of good reasons), with a window cracked open on more, but our desire for more hasn’t lined up.
Anon says
I know a LOT of people who weren’t ready for #2 when the first was only 18 months, but eventually had a second. I don’t want to give you false hope, because there’s certainly a possibility he never changes his mind, but I think the best thing you can do at this point is back off and not raise the issue for another year or so. Trying to force the issue now may lead to him digging in his heels and taking a stronger one and done stance than is necessary at this point.
Anonanonanon says
This! I cannot IMAGINE wanting a second if I had a 1.5-year-old during everything going on right now. I would be saying what your husband is saying. And it would also be very possible that I would change my mind in a few years. No guarantees, but my children are quite far apart because I could not imagine having #2 until #1 was almost entirely independent.
That being said, I don’t think right now is the time for most people to make any huge life or financial decisions. Maybe you can agree to table the conversation for at least a year and see where things stand?
AIMS says
I definitely agree that now may not be the most reliable time. I had an oops 2nd pregnancy around that age and was actually pretty upset that it happened because i couldn’t imagine having a second at that point.
Having two now, I’m happy but the fact that Mr. AIMS wanted the second kid makes a huge difference. My own dad didn’t want to have me and my mom ended up taking on a lot of the labor of parenting to ‘make it up’ to him so to speak and it was definitely a strain. There are no easy answers, but don’t assume how your partner feels now is definitive either. At this point my kids are 5 and 3 and I sometimes even imagine a 3rd, which I never ever could have imagined until they were this age.
Anon says
Given the weird pandemic situation, I think it’s worth exploring what if any lifestyle changes might make him more open to it. Having the ability to drop kids at grandma’s and take a vacation, or workout on a weekend afternoon while your kid is in gym daycare, or send your kid to weekly dance classes while you relax with a coffee and a book can all make a huge difference in parental stress levels and hopefully these optios are coming back to us within a year or so. I
will say that if one of his main objections is not wanting to go back to the diaper stage, that can be hard to overcome. One reason (though definitely not the only reason) that we’re one and done is that we couldn’t figure out timing that made sense for us. I was too physically and mentally exhausted to consider trying until my first was close to 3, but by then she was so fun, verbal and increasingly independent that it was really hard to fathom going back to a helpless little baby who can’t communicate or do anything for themselves. I think in non-pandemic times I’d feel even more strongly about this since we’d be jetting around the world with our preschooler.
This might be controversial, but I have a close friend that really wanted a third and her husband didn’t. She got him to agree to it on the condition that he did none, literally none, of the work. He plays with his kids and is “fun dad” so I think (hope) the kids aren’t really aware of the parents’ agreement, but I’m not exaggerating when I say he changed no diapers, never washed pump parts, never woke up in the middle of the night, etc. He also did a ton of work travel during the third kid’s infant year. That situation wouldn’t have worked for me, but I think it was worth it to her to complete her family and now that their youngest is 2 I think he’s a bit more involved and they are both happy with their family.
anon says
That’s a sh!tty agreement, and a terrible example to set for the older kids. Not to mention the lack of bonding time with the baby.
Anon says
Yep, I agree it’s problematic (although the first two kids were so little at the time – both under 3 when #3 was born – that I’m not sure how much they absorbed). But if you get to the point where you’re considering divorce I don’t think it’s insane to consider. Divorce also has negative impacts on kids. My friend is happy she did it, although personally I could never see myself doing something like that.
Anonymous says
I don’t see how that sort of agreement wouldn’t eventually doom the marriage anyway.
Anon says
I think it really depends on your circumstances and personality. They have a lot of family support and they’re very affluent and outsource a lot, including a night nurse during the newborn period. Even without him helping, she probably has less on her plate than many moms who don’t have money to outsource or grandparents nearby. She also comes from a culture where parenting is traditionally the woman’s job and their balance wasn’t exactly what I would consider equitable to begin with. If I’d agreed to this kind of thing, I’m sure I would have eventually ended up hating my husband, but she doesn’t seem to. She seems to view it as the price of admission to the third child she badly wanted, and honestly they seem very happy to me now that the youngest is 2. He’s not a baby person and has always been a lot more engaged with his kids as they get older, which I’m sure is a factor in this potentially working out long-term.
I can’t find the article now but I read a similar story in Parents magazine a while back. I think the woman was married to an older man who already had kids and she wanted a kid and he didn’t so she agreed to do all the child-rearing. I think maybe they even lived separately or something? It was definitely abnormal but she said they were happy. Probably she wrote it pre-pandemic though, lol.
Jeffiner says
My husband and I had always talked about having two kids, but then when the first was around 1.5 years old, he decided he only wanted one. I was also mad and sad and disappointed. I tried to accept it, since “the person who wants the fewest kids wins,” but that was honestly terrible advice for me. This isn’t something you can just accept. After being mad and sad and disappointed for months, I told him I was going to start therapy rather than keep hating him for the rest of our lives. He said since it was so important to me, we would try for a second, but no more than two kids.
It turned out that secondary infertility meant we couldn’t have a second child. After the first miscarriage, my husband was the first to say we should try again. He was the first to call an RE after months of trying, and he didn’t complain about any of the tests he had to complete or checks we had to write. But eventually he said he couldn’t keep consoling me after the losses, and we had to stop.
I’m still mad and sad and disappointed, but at least its not directed at my husband any longer. I’m grieving a backyard of laughing kids and family vacations and Thanksgiving dinners, and I’m guessing you are too. The only thing that helps is picturing our future as a family of three. We used to travel a lot before covid, and plan activities appropriate for our daughter’s age but that we couldn’t do with a younger child in tow. We turned the extra bedroom in our house into a playroom. We are saving more money and plan to retire early.
Hugs.
Anon says
Hugs. I’m an only child and I’m so grateful for all the cool travel and adventures I got to do with my parents that wouldn’t have been possible financially or logistically if I’d had a sibling. They also paid for my private college in full and are very affluent now, which is a huge weight off my shoulders (I can’t even tell you how many friends are financially supporting both their kids and their elderly parents). I know it’s hard to not have the family you want but please don’t discount the travel and financial security you’re giving your kid – they’re huge gifts to a child.
Anon says
Go to counseling and make sure that you really hear what your husband is saying. A lot of “I truly cannot handle this” issues sound like melodrama, right up until the person walks out of the marriage.
Consider that having or not having more kids is a recurring choice, absent someone getting a vasectomy or tubal. He might feel differently in two years. You might feel differently in two years.
I am the one who refused to have another child. My pregnancy was horrific: debilitating prenatal depression, 8 straight months of suicidal ideation that went away literally hours after giving birth. I dodged postpartum depression and postpartum psychosis (albeit with PMDD, which had never happened before), but am extremely high risk for both, as well as almost guaranteed a recurrence of the prenatal depression. The pregnancy was physically quite healthy, which is not a guarantee the second time around.
My husband is quite understanding; he loves me and doesn’t want to see me go through that again. He wants our marriage to survive more than he wants a second kid, despite having desperately wanted children for his entire life.
To say that your marriage cannot survive another child is a very strong statement. Unless your husband is prone to bluster and threats, it is an incredible warning sign. Please listen to why he thinks that.
Anon says
+1 to this. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
We have 2 kids and my husband wants more but understands and respects that I can’t physically or emotionally go through another pregnancy and the stress just thinking about another round of diapers and kid logistics gives me is enough to send me to a dark place. Luckily my husband gets that I’m serious when I tell him this. If he kept pushing for more it would absolutely end our marriage.
Anonymous says
I agree that OP needs to go to counseling with the attitude that she is eager to understand where her husband is coming from. Based on her post, it sounds more like she wants the counselor to broker an agreement to have a second child.
I was also the one who had a terrible time during pregnancy and the postpartum period and refused to have a second child. My husband was understandably disappointed, but he was smart enough to recognize that what he really wanted–a joyful life with a healthy wife happily raising two children–was not a possibility. What he would have gotten instead was 9 months of solo parenting while also supporting a sick wife, probably another 6 – 9 months of solo parenting our older child while I dealt with a high-needs baby, and quite possibly another 18 years of misery. You can’t just insist that your spouse provide you with your fantasy life when they don’t have that to give.
anon says
Yeah, I agree that marriage counseling is only going to be helpful here if the OP is truly open to understanding her husband’s position. I have two stepkids who are 7 and 9, as well as a baby. My husband’s ex-wife was one of 3 and they had planned to have 3 children. But by the time the second was a toddler, he felt their marriage was already strained and he didn’t think it could take the stress of another infant. They went to counseling, and he felt like the only reason they were there was because she was hoping the counselor would tell him he had to have a third baby because that had been the original plan. They ultimately divorced.
I would like to have two kids and we talked about having two kids, but we’re older and he is struggling a bit emotionally with the idea of signing up for another baby at this point. And our older kids love the baby but he feels like it’s a bit easier to balance their needs with one infant than with a toddler and an infant, and I think he’s right. So after a lot of conversations, some difficult, we’re wait and see right now, and my age may naturally transition that into no second baby. I am sad about it but I have a wonderful kid now and I absolutely understand why it’s hard for him to think about another baby, and I value my marriage more than my imagined life as a mother of two.
Anonymous says
This. It’s like that Sheryl Sandberg book. Option A (two kids and a happy marriage with your current spouse) is off the table (for now anyway). You have to do your best to find a satisfactory Option B.
Anon says
Give this time. My husband said he didn’t want another one the first year or so after our child was born, but later when we started working on our marriage through a relationship class, he told me he wanted to support my dream and agreed to try for number 2. Now he has really embraced the role of dad even more.
Is there tension in your marriage or household? Do you seem to enjoy motherhood or do you seem buried in stress? If parenthood seems like too much, he may be backing away now but could change his mind (possibly) if things lighten up and seem more positive and hopeful. This is all speculation because I do not know you but there could be room for change. I think you need to show him you care about him and his perspective, as a whole person, and see where therapy can take you.
People do change their minds either way, either to have more or less, as time goes on.
anonamommy says
Having one of those Mondays where I’m just angry at everything. The weekend was so hard – I’m so tired of being the default parent, tired of DH taking hours to run errands (he does them because I am high-risk) while I am home trying to entertain the kids. Tired of taking walks around the neighborhood. Tired of too much TV. Tired of cooking, tired of takeout. Tired of no easy answers.
I never thought I would miss work travel, but I really, really miss work travel. I miss existing to my own rhythms and only being responsible for myself. That is all.
Anon says
Yup, I’m angry too. Hearing that 30% (!) of people gathered with someone outside their household to watch the Super Bowl didn’t help.
YMMV on this but I’m higher risk than my husband and do all the errands because we figure that the viral load I’d be exposed to at the grocery store w/everyone in masks is much lower than the viral load I’d be exposed to if I had a husband with Covid who wasn’t wearing a mask or distancing from us until he developed symptoms (since you’re most infectious in the 48 hours before symptoms). I know it’s kind of counter-intuitive but my doctor agreed it made sense.
Anon Lawyer says
Except presumably your husband will wear a mask at the grocery store too so it’s actually that he wouldn’t be taking any more risk than you at the grocery store and then there’s the additional non-100% chance of catching it from him as a buffer. Not that you shouldn’t run errands if you want to – I just don’t think it protects you more than your husband doing it.
Anonymous says
I would have whichever spouse is more careful run the errands.
Anon says
True, but both my doctor and I feel that the chance of catching it from a spouse with whom you share a bed, a bathroom and have intimate relations is so close to 100% that this isn’t a factor. (And anecdotally, I don’t know anyone who has had a spouse who got Covid and didn’t catch it themselves.) Because the viral load you get from a household member, especially a spouse, is so much higher than what you get from a masked stranger at the grocery store and viral load seems to play a huge role in disease severity, we feel like this makes sense. It’s less about mitigating my risk of infection and more about mitigating my risk of severe disease.
Anon says
my FIL had covid and my MIL didn’t get it. same thing with a colleague. she had it, but her husband and daughter didn’t. anecdotally i know others like this as well
Pogo says
Yeah I hate to be that person but I do know a few families where not everyone got it. But they isolated immediately upon symptoms and truly did not interact at all with the other members.
Anon says
I know two families (cousin and a friend) where the husband got it and the wife didn’t, despite sharing a bed up until the positive test (so into symptoms both times).
Anonymous says
Right there with you. I miss the good things about business travel so much. A hotel room and TV all to myself. A manicure since it won’t get chipped right away. Room service dessert. No one complaining that I’m too slow getting dinner on the table. A bathroom that is cleaned by someone other than me.
What I do not miss is being crammed into a tiny seat on a smelly, germy airplane, inevitably next to a person who thinks they have a right to half of my seat and leg room.
Anon says
I, too, miss hotels but not flying.
Anonymous says
Can you have pretend work travel? Pick a Friday, book a hotel room, get room service?
GCA says
That’s an idea! I would take turns with DH to do this. He hasn’t traveled for work since December 2019; I haven’t done so since last February (except for November, when I checked into a nearby hotel room solo to run a conference on European time – so actual work!).
Anonymous says
I am angry too. I am disgusted with everyone. With the world for refusing to take sensible precautions. With my husband and kid for spending all their time lying on the couch with electronics and whining that they are bored, yet refusing to do anything else. With myself for not having the energy to take full advantage of all the time at home to get in amazing shape, deep-clean the entire house, get ahead at work, and pick back up with all the hobbies I never have time for.
Anonymous says
Being angry at everything is a sign of depression. Please treat it.
Anonymous says
I am so sick of hearing people say that a normal reaction to the crummy circumstances in which we all currently find ourselves is anxiety or depression. It’s a convenient excuse for society not to fix the actual problems, like, you know, controlling the spread of the virus.
Anonymous says
If you’re angry with your kid for struggling and with yourself for not using precious time to deep clean your house, it’s worth exploring!
Anon says
Everybody is sad and angry about the current situation, but based on this and your past comments you do sound depressed to me. I’ve been there. Medicine can really help, I promise. Even if the depression is caused by external events, I don’t see why that’s an excuse not to treat it.
Anon Lawyer says
If you’re angry at yourself for not deep cleaning during your leisure time, that’s a sign that you’re being unnecessarily hard on yourself, which is something to think about.
anonamommy says
OR, possibly, it’s an understandable state of being after months and months of extremely difficult circumstances.
Anon says
Situational depression is still depression and can still be treated!
Anonymous says
It is understandable, but that isn’t a reason not to treat it.
Pogo says
I mean, I’m on an SSRI and talk to my therapist, but I’m still ready to throw my laptop out the window half the time. This is HARD.
anon says
Exactly. I’m already on an SSRI and my mental health is doing okay, all things considered. But I am beyond frustrated, which results in symptoms, if you will, that point to at least some depression. I don’t think upping my meds is really the solution.
AnonATL says
I hear ya. Weekend errands are my couple hours to myself that I look forward to right now (sadly). This weekend while I was loading up from costco, I got a frantic text from my husband about the baby being fussy and he wasn’t sure why.. Um what am I supposed to do about that while I’m out of the house.
We were talking about my first mother’s day coming up and all I really want is to sleep in and not be bothered for a few hours of peace and quiet. Maybe that can be your husband’s valentines gift to you.
Clementine says
Ugh, HERE for the ‘Over it’ point in the pandemic. Total commiseration.
I’m tired of feeling guilty for screens. I’m tired of solo parenting (on my 3rd month of it). I’m tired of being constantly on alert for any sign of a stuffy nose or cough from one of the kids. I’m tired of the feeling of panic I get when I see my kids’ school or daycare pop up in my email alerts because ‘oh god, I hope we don’t get quarantined again.’
FWIW, when this span of solo parenting is over, I’m going to a hotel. I’m going to be taking long, HOT showers. I’m going to watch HGTV with nobody complaining. I’m going to sit there in silence with nobody touching me.
I. Am. READY.
Anonymous says
Any prospects for your husband’s job changing? This is so extreme.
Clementine says
I am supportive of him changing careers, we have discussed it at length. I’ve also kept pushing forward in my career (90% of the women I know whose husbands work in my husband’s field are SAHMs or work very part time) so he has the flexibility to take a large pay cut and switch jobs.
Ultimately, he needs to be the one to decide. And my decision is to stay in my marriage or leave. That’s what I can control. Seeing as the goal is to see more of my husband, I picked stay. I think he’s really getting to the point where HE is deciding he wants to switch… but who knows.
Anon says
i’ve said this to you before, but you are truly supermom. i don’t know how you do it. i solo parent often during the week, but not on weekends and we have had childcare this whole time. i also don’t have a ‘big’ job by any means. i hope that in non-covid times or honestly, even right now you can find a way to outsource everything you can afford to outsource. you likely can handle a lot less sleep than i can, but you are truly amazing
Clementine says
Oh man, I don’t feel like that but… thanks… I try really hard but I used to be successful because I had this awesome (and well developed) support network. I had a structure that helped me succeed – and that involved strategic childcare, one on one dates for kids to go with relatives (hiking with your fun aunt? ice cream on a Wednesday with Grandpa? YES PLEASE.)
I outsourced things and structured my weekends for success. And… COVID has taken so much of that away from me. So… my kids watch too much TV. Last night, they rejected the homemade from scratch dinner I made (which was SOMETHING THEY LIKE) and I had to give myself a time out because I was upset and my feelings were hurt and I didn’t want to yell.
Needless to say: I am REALLY excited for that hotel stay.
Pogo says
for real, I’m always in awe of Clementine!
Anonymous says
Why is he running errands at all if you’re high risk? Curbside that sh*t!
Anonymous says
This! I can count on one hand the number of times anyone in our household has been inside a store since last spring. Around here curbside pickup slots were impossible to get for the first few weeks of lockdown, but capacity has greatly expanded.
Pogo says
Could have written this. Such a tough weekend. I love my family but man, I miss regular life. DH is on board with me doing “pretend work travel” (night in a local hotel), but since I’d still have to pump the whole time it wouldn’t feel like such a vacation. I know kids are resilient but starting to worry long term about how this will effect them.
Anonymous says
Omg stop no. Take the help you are being offered!!! Pumping in a clean quiet empty hotel room is still a dramatic improvement.
Pogo says
oh I’m not saying I won’t do it, just annoyed that I am a cow right now to a voracious little munchkin. I hate pumping with a passion.
Anon says
It’s much harder to do it the Second time. Stop early if you need to
Anonymous says
if you hate pumping with a passion, stop pumping.
Anon says
If she hates pumping but wants to continue nursing, then she can’t just stop pumping if she takes a night away from baby. That’s (unfortunately) not how it works.
No shade for those who don’t want to pump, don’t want to nurse, don’t want to formula feed, etc. Just feed the baby. But if you want to nurse, and you’re away from baby during nursing time, you gotta get out the milk.
Anonymous says
Of course she can’t take a night off, but if she hates pumping she can stop pumping permanently and formula-feed.
Pogo says
That’s fair, I can combo feed, and I did with my first starting around 10 months. So I can certainly do that earlier this time, there was no magic reason I picked 10 months, that was just the point at which I got super sick of pumping last time. I do love nursing, though.
GCA says
I hated pumping, but I enjoyed nursing more than I hated pumping. So, tradeoffs were made (pump less, combo feed, keep nursing). I feel you Pogo!
Anonymous says
I worry about the long-term effects too. I almost worry more about what the “new normal” will look like than the current situation. Granted my kid is young (3) and goes to daycare and grandparents are in our bubble, but her world is not really that disrupted now and she’s pretty content staying home and playing outside. I worry what will happen when we can resume normal-ish life but she notices that the play area at the library is closed off or the children’s museum is making people stand six feet apart, or we have to do temperature checks and even rapid testing to go anywhere (e.g., Cuomo is saying Broadway will only reopen with testing for everyone). Not that I’m planning to go to a Broadway show this year, but I think some of these changes may end up being semi-permanent because if only half the country gets vaccinated we can’t beat this with vaccines alone. She doesn’t really understand anything about the virus for now and I hate thinking about the fact that soon she probably will, because I know I would have had SO much anxiety about getting sick and dying. I guess they will adjust, they were so young when this started they won’t even remember the pre-2019 normal, but I definitely worry about it. I wish I could be optimistic that true normal is on the horizon, but I’m not. I think life will definitely feel a lot more bearable once me and DH get the vax, but still a loooong way off from what life was like in 2019.
Anonymous says
I apologize in advance if I get salty; I work for a Broadway theater and 75%+ of performing arts workers are unemployed right now, so my concerns about theaters reopening are more like people can’t pay rent. But I know we all worry about our kids and how this impacts them. That said, at 3, your child’s perception of this pandemic is going to be deeply influenced by what her parents tell her – she’s not going to be worried about dying just because she has to stand 6 feet apart from people if you tell her we’re doing that to keep people from sharing germs. She ostensibly wears a seatbelt in the car and doesn’t live in fear of dying in a car crash, right? Also, from what I know, Cuomo is spitballing about reopening. The fact is theater producers are not willing to reopen until audiences are ready to come back – they can’t afford to run shows at much less than full capacity. Broadway audiences are generally older, and therefore vulnerable to COVID. Audience surveys are saying people are not willing to come back yet, so there has been little urgency to reopen; they want to be vaccinated first, and they want masks required. So I think masks rules are likely, at least for some time. Rapid testing is more likely to be in place for cast and crews. Broadway is heavily unionized–we work with like 20 different unions–so union rules will also dictate when and how theaters reopen. All that said, we are still cautiously optimistic about opening in the fall.
Anonymous says
I understand that, sorry if it seemed like I was being insensitive or suggesting that you should stay closed because things might be weird for my kid. I was not trying to imply that at all and I fully support any or all these precautions in Broadway or other industries so more people can get back to work. (And selfishly I really miss live theater and would definitely take a test to go!) I actually hope we keep mask rules in place for a long time – I think it will be necessary to control the virus, and my worst fear at this point is that every adult who wants the vax gets the vax, the governors drop the mask requirement under pressure from the public and the virus runs rampant in the ~50% of the population that opted out of the vaccine (potentially even leading to new variants that are different enough they render the vaccinated vulnerable again, which would be a disaster). I think if we could just all wear masks through next winter we could actually crush this thing, but I doubt we will. My comment was poorly phrased, but I was just trying to say that I’d always hoped that the pandemic would be fully “over” by the time my kid would be old enough to understand it (given that she had just turned 2 when it began) and now it pretty clearly won’t be and I’m sad about that. I definitely hear what you’re saying about our attitudes influencing her though.
Anonymous says
That makes sense. I certainly wish this were over too!
anon says
Total commmiseration. My 3 year old was a pain all weekend. I still need to officially potty train her, daycare says do the run around naked bit, which I have to say I hate the idea of, because it will just be me cleaning up pee. She will use the potty at daycare and at home if I bribe her with chocolate, but it is an ordeal to spend 10-20 minutes getting a child on the potty, then getting her off and back into pullups and pants. She has been fighting us on changing pull ups and clothes and it is just so exhausting to fight.
I am bad a this parenting thing, I have to say, i just do not have the energy for these endless fights. Like today, to go to daycare, she required my husband and I to pin her down to change clothes. We both had to do the step away thing so we wouldn’t yell and she ran about naked for a minute and then asked me to put on her clothes. The whole pinning down and forcing thing is just unnecessary drama.
I am dealing with health anxiety as well about something I hope is minor, both my parents died of cancer young so I am paranoid. There is nothing to distract me from any of this other than work, and my work is a big drama fest itself.
Anon says
you are not bad at this parenting thing. parenting 3 year olds is exhausting, particularly during the pandemic when we are all already exhausted. i realize you aren’t asking for advice, but here is some unsolicited advice. i hated potty training our twins. we did the oh crap method that involves cleaning up pee, but it didn’t happen as much as i expected. yes it is exhausting. between 5-7pm each night, i probably have to take my kids to the bathroom 7 times. when we are home, i purposefully put them in dresses or sometimes they are in shirts with just undies bc they seem to like to take their pants off to use the potty when at home. at this point, i’d probably back off anything potty training related for 2 weeks for a reset, then watch the daniel tiger potty episode and get her some kind of book, and then try the naked method without bribes. i am naturally a very unpatient person, so parenting, particularly twins is both mentally exhausting and physically exhausting. these things don’t always help, but listening to some janet lansbery podcasts, and following Big Little Feelings on Instagram has helped me shift my mindset so i don’t get as upset/exhausted by the ridiculous meltdowns thrown by small children
anon who hates potty traning says
Thanks. While I did not ask for advice, I sure appreciate this. The no pants thing is probably a good idea for my girl. At one point she was taking all her clothes off to go to the potty LOL. I think like many things I dread the potty training will be less bad than I think it is… I hope. I have Nature’s Miracle for cleaning the litter box, if it works on cat pee it should on kid pee right?
You have a point about ridiculous meltdowns getting to me… we bought the book 1-2-3 magic and it has a section about not treating kids like little adults. The stuff toddlers do is not rational, and she is not fully developed enough for me to talk sense into her. It is hard for me to keep remembering this. And you are a rockstar if you manage twins in my book.
Anon says
oh, my twins were also taking all of their clothes off to use the potty (only with me and DH, not with the nanny)…and they still cant get themselves fully redressed. sometimes i really miss diapers, but i know that this is one of those parts of parenting that is just not fun. one twin hasn’t had an accident since day 1, but the other twin frequently has tiny accidents – like she is playing and doesn’t want to stop so she starts to pee, her underwear gets a tiny bit wet and she stops herself and says she has to go to the potty, but then goes on and on about how her undies are wet and she had an accident and needs new undies. i try to prompt her to go more often, but it is hard bc the other twin doesn’t have to go and we are still working on the, everyone’s body is different concept and it is ok that some people have to pee more frequently than others. i am hoping she will grow out of that at some point. i haven’t ready 123 magic, but have read how to talk so little kids will listen. it is so hard sometimes to remember that as irrational as it is for a 3 year old to complain that their red crayon is “too red,” it is almost equally irrational for us as parents to expect a 3 year old to do as we say without any fight majority of the time. i definitely definitely sometimes lose it in the moment though.
Pogo says
We’ve gotten better at clothes, mostly, but bath sometimes has to be a forcible affair with our 3yo. I feel terrible but sometimes I just run out of ability to cajole, joke, gamify, bribe or otherwise convince him to get in the bath on a reasonable time schedule. I started letting him skip every other day but I think that’s only made it worse because he will always ask “can I skip bath tonight” even if he skipped the night before. So, commiseration. This weekend also left me feeling like a failure as a parent.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, thanks for posting, and for everyone for responding. I feel this so much. I had to leave the room to cry yesterday when my kids were yelling and crying for the millionth time after being cooped up with us for most of the afternoon (another snowstorm, yay) and I just couldn’t anymore. Parenting was hard enough before the pandemic, but now it seems like this is yet another hurdle thrown at us and no one seems to be helping. This reminds me of that NYTimes article on mother rage. I’m angry that we’re in this mess, that politicians are not helping me (or not fast enough), that men with SAH wives at work don’t get it and that I’m doing so much and while I have everything I’ve always dreamed of having in terms of a high level job, an awesome marriage and kids, it feels so hard.
I’m on an SSRI so I have my general anxiety under control and the way I feel now is not hopeless or depressed about just my own life, I feel angry that we’re in a situation and a country that doesn’t value what I value.
AwayEmily says
Yup. I definitely have found myself more frequently saying stereotypical harried-parent things like “Can you both PLEASE just be quiet for a few minutes.” The sibling arguments (“He gave me a MEAN LOOK!” “She took it OUT OF MY HAND!”) are just grating on me so, so much, especially while I’m trying to do something else (eg cook dinner). That low-level bickering drives me insane, partly because it puts me in this hyper-alert level where I am listening for it to escalate to a point that needs intervention.
Anonymous says
My frequently-used phrases are “Stop touching me!” and “I cannot do two things at once.”
Anonanonanon says
Oh I have taken the much more obnoxious route by going “How many things can mommy do at once? Hmmm? do you remember? that’s right, one. How many things are you asking for? Two? Well can I do that? no.” which is not great but whatever gets me through the day I guess
Anon says
I felt really crummy this weekend, too. Considering booking anAirbnn for myself for a night or two.
Anon says
I am also high risk and I do all the errands (curbside pickup) because it is the only time my child goes more than 15 minutes without touching me, and it’s only because she is strapped in her car seat (side bar, counting down the days until preschool reopens (hopefully they have not committed to yet) in fall. I could leave her at home, but she is just as desperate to get out and just look at a different view. In your shoes, I would alternate weekends running errands with DH – and when you are out take an extra stop to just sit silently in a parking lot with a hot coffee or chocolate or tea and read a few pages of a good book.
Anon says
I am just so bored. When I have free time (which I know relative to this board I’m lucky to feel like I have free time sometimes!) I am just SO sick of watching yet another show, doing yet another crossword, reading yet another book, trying to figure out how to make a weekend night feel even remotely like a more fun night than a weeknight…I want life back!!
anon says
All of this. There is nothing to look forward to. Activities I usually enjoy have lost a lot of their luster after doing them over … and over … and over again.
Anonymous says
I’m with you. I just want the option to do something sociable outside of my yard, and that’s coming from a total introvert.
That said (and I know this is putting a band-aid on something that needs a tourniquet), some things I’ve found recently to break out my own book/TV show rut are jigsaw puzzles and Lego. DH and I pour some wine, turn on chill music, and sit at opposite ends of the table each working through our own gigantic Lego set.
Also, I enlisted my kids’ help over the crappy weather weekend and we rolled about $300 worth of coins, and they LOVED it. Counting little stacks of 10 was very soothing.
Kids snow boot rec says
I decided to try the Dicks Sporting Goods version of Bogs this year, due to them being much less expensive, and they have been working great! My kids have worn them nearly every day this late fall/winter, in snow and just for warmth, and they are showing no signs of wear. They are the DSG Snowbound Winter Boots…FYI for next year, if you get tired of waiting for a Bogs sale like I did
Osmo Recs? says
Do anyone’s kids use Osmo? my inlaws gave it to DD for christmas and she loves it but I want to maybe get other games or accessories – any favorites? She’s in kinder for reference.
octagon says
Can you share more about which pieces you already have? I’ve looked at the Genius Starter Kit a few times but hesitate because it’s an expensive endeavor if kiddo doesn’t take to it. Do you find that your daughter can play alone, or does she need you there too?
Anon says
I’m the responder below and I would say my at-the-time 4 year old and 5 year old could do the Creative Starter one (it’s one of the ones with the brown monster looking guy) all by themselves (after we did the initial set up). That one the character walks them though what they should do, and it’s mostly just drawing on the pad.
Additional ones they’ve needed varying degrees of help (details below).
OP says
Yes we have that one – it’s been good for kinder daughter, but i think we could use more with more accessories!
Anon says
Yes! We love the Osmo. I pretend it’s not really screen time.
My kids were fairly entertained with just the Creative Starter kit for awhile. But for Christmas my 5 year old pre-K got the Super Studio Frozen 2 one and likes it (we have to help sometimes with flipping the pages to the right number), and she got the Pizza Co. one which I think seems so boring but she likes it. My first grader started the Coding one last year, and got the Math Wizard Dragon one this year. I think we needed to hand hold a little when he started the coding one, the Dragon one he has figured out all by himself (but he’s also older).
We might even get a second starter kit because when one breaks it out, inevitably the other wants to do it too.
Anonymous says
Can anyone recommend a fee based independent financial planner in NoVA? I had saved someone’s rec on here for Maura Schauss but I finally reached out and she charges $5k and that seems like way more than what I’m looking for. Thanks!
Kids boot rec says
I decided to try the D i c k s Sporting Goods version of Bogs this year, since they are much less expensive, and they have been working out great. My kids have worn them nearly every day this late fall/winter, in snow and just for warmth, and they are not showing any signs of wear. They are called the DSG Snowbound Winter Boots…FYI for next year, if you get tired of waiting for a Bogs sale, like I did
(Sorry if this posts twice – I think my first try may have ended up in spam)
anon says
Nice. In general, I have found that the DSG brand is very good for both kids and adults.
Guilty says
Ladies, I need some ideas/help. I made a really jerk comment to my husband in the heat of an argument last night. It was unconstructive and overly critical of him and some choices he’s recently made. It was a cheap shot and I was wrong. The content of the argument isn’t super relevant – we’re just both stressed with life right now.
He seems kind of down today and I know it’s in part because of the argument we had and the comment I made. If he had made the comment I know I’d have flowers or a clean house or some other demonstration of remorse from him a day later. What can I do to show him how sorry I am? I’d like to avoid food/alcohol.
Anonanonanon says
I promise I’m not being snarky, but can you just… say you’re sorry? Say “I was very out of line with what I said during our argument the other night, and I am so sorry. That was an exaggeration of my feelings and frustration in the heat of the moment and I crossed a line. I see all that you’ve done to help hold our family together over the past year, and going forward I’m going to make sure I do a better job of acknowledging that out loud. I hope you can forgive me for what I said.”
Anonanonanon says
If you feel you need a gesture, can you take the kid out for a weekend day and let him have the house to himself? Can you buy a new fancy coffee maker if he’s into coffee and joke about how clearly you both need more coffee if you’re going to make it through?
Anonymous says
This is what I would do too.
OP says
Should have been clearer…. yes. I did this for sure. Have a few times, in fact. I just feel compelled to do more. We’re both having a really hard time right now between two stressful-in-normal-times WFH jobs, parenting a toddler, a long and thus far disappointing IVF process, and then I evidently decided to just be jerk last night. I’d like to think my comment was fueled by vials up on vials of hormones I’m injecting in to myself daily, but that doesn’t change the fact I said what I said… I’d love to give him an extra boost – space to decompress, but it’s COVID, we have > 12 inches of fresh snow on the ground, and yea.
Of all the odd things, he loves bowling. I just did some research and found lanes that are open in my otherwise very COVID cautious state, so people are 2-3 lanes apart. He has his own balls, will mask, sanitize, etc. So, I’ve booked him a lane for tonight and told him I have dinner and toddler bedtime handled. He’s going to go out and have some alone time. We’re pretty darned covid sensitive as it would ruin my IVF cycle, but the risk-reward calculus here is one I’m ok with.
Anonymous says
That’s so sweet of you! And now I think I might take my preschooler bowling.
Anonymous says
This is a very sweet idea! Good job!
Anonanonanon says
Awww that sounds very sweet and thoughtful. I can’t even imagine the things I’d say if I had vials of hormones coursing through me right now. I’m sorry you guys have a lot of life stress on top of the worldwide stress at the moment. Hugs to you.
Anonymous says
Straight up tell him?
Cb says
Oh I’m sorry! I went to bed without speaking to my husband last night because I was so furious about something and knew I’d say something awful if I spoke. I am now kind of avoiding him. I’ll go say sorry to yours if you say sorry to mine?
ATLien says
I feel like this is the oldest question in the book but I’ve searched and alas. Can y’all give me comfort about dropping my 13 mo off for her first day of daycare? She will not have met any of the teachers or kids beforehand, and we have to just hand her off at the exterior door. She’s at a peak level of clinginess so I’m expecting big screams and tears, and while I believe and know we will all get over it eventually, I have to admit I’m dreading it! I’m not an “attachment” parent per se, just a pandemic FTM, so I guess a transitional daycare intro week is yet 1 more thing I’m grieving about Covid life.
Anonymous says
I would push hard for a meet-n-greet with teachers, ideally in the classroom but at a minimum outdoors. Our daycare is very cautious about Covid protocols (masks for kids over 2, they really try to enforce distancing between the kids, etc.) and they allowed kids in for a meet-n-greet after the six month pandemic shutdown when they were moving to new classrooms. 13 months is a hard age for separation and I really can’t imagine just handing a kid that age off to a total stranger.
Spirograph says
This. Offer to do it on any schedule that is suitable for them, which at our daycare would mean the teachers are most available during nap time, but the classroom would have fewest kids in it either right at opening or close to closing. Our daycare has a hard rule that no one is allowed in the building except staff and children enrolled in the program, but I am certain the teachers would make themselves available for an outdoor meet-up, or offer to let you and your daughter look in the window, or *something* to make it less of a black box on day 1. There will be tears at first, regardless, but FWIW all of my kids loved their daycare and teachers within the first couple weeks. It’s “just” a transition, and it will pass.
Hugs, first daycare drop-off can be tough even in normal times, and I’m sorry you have the additional factors to deal with!
ANon says
this might be really hard, it might not be. it is ok for you to feel sad. even though your LO is only 13 months, she might understand more than you think she does, so I would still prep her in advance and tell her what is going to happen. if you’re an instagram person, check out Big Little Feelings, they have something on this. we have a nanny, and despite literally having the same nanny since birth, my daughter has gone through phases where she is hysterical at the sight of the nanny. it used to make me so sad and i would end up in tears. it is hard leaving a crying child. good luck!
ATLien says
Thank you all for your supportive words. I do follow Big Little Feelings and I will try PREP, she seems too little to “get” it but can’t hurt. They did let us do a room tour on the weekend with the director, so I will push for an early morning meeting with the teacher–thank you for the encouragement!
Anonanonanon says
Ugh what an awful time to have to do that for the first time!
On the flip side, I bet you’ll appreciate the empty house sooo much! I know it will be tough, but it really is like all the old folks say, they cry until the second you leave and then they’re fine.
Plan something to do for yourself with that time that you couldn’t before now. Can you drive through a coffee place and actually take it home and enjoy it slowly while you listen to a podcast uninterrupted? Take the day off of work and binge a TV show or read a book! If you can’t take off of work, enjoy the fact you can work in a few different spots instead of being trapped in one! Go out to get takeout from somewhere for lunch. Relish in the freedom. Buy your kiddo a treat for the end of the day so you have something special to look forward to giving them.
PS your kid is going to be a wreck in the evenings for the next week and that is 100% normal. Take time to do everything you can to prep for smooth evenings. Having a snack and drink in-hand at pickup was required with my first.
Anonymous says
Re: evening crankiness, maybe, maybe not! My DD started daycare at 14 months and we never really had issues with overtiredness or crankiness in the evenings. That became an issue when she stopped napping at daycare, but that was later.
ATLien says
Thank you! Yes I am looking forward to the freedom & specifically setting aside a 1st day treat moment is a lovely idea!