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Does your baby have a really huge head? Both my kids have large heads — it was (and is) always a struggle to pull shirts over their noggins.
When my youngest was born, friends gifted us Hanna Andersson’s Baby Side-Snap Bodysuit. At first, I found the buttons a bit confusing. However, once I treated it like a wrap dress, it made total sense — you just button the hidden buttons on the inside, wrap, and then button the ones on the outside.
Best of all, you don’t have to tug it over baby’s head. The fabric is stretchy organic cotton, perfect for growing wiggleworms!
The bodysuit is $24 and comes in a range of adorable patterns and colors. It’s available in sizes 50 cm (0–3 months) to 90 cm (3 years).
Sales of note for 4.18.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
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Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Up to 70% off baby items; 50% off toddler & kid deals & 40% off everything else
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- Old Navy – 30% off your purchase; up to 75% off clearance
- Target – Car Seat Trade-In Event (ends 4/27); BOGO 25% off select skincare products; up to 40% off indoor furniture; up to 20% off laptops & printers
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
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- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Jammies for the win says
Confession: my daughter is 17 weeks old, and I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve dressed her in something that requires me to pull it over her head. Or requires me to put socks on her. We live in a cold climate, so since she was born in October and we go nowhere except for the pediatrician’s office (and have no visitors save my bubbled parents) – yay Covid – I dress her in one piece footed jammies every day. In the morning, we change out of her nightime jammies into her daytime jammies.
Am I lazy? Am I efficient? Both? It works for us. I keep seeing photos of similarly-aged babies on my Instagram feed and they’re dressed in real outfits, and I always think 1) cute! but also 2) why?
Anon says
You are winning the award for efficiency. And, baby is the comfiest. Cute outfits for small babies are…cute, but not the most practical. I just told myself that those photo ops other parents post are just that – outfits for a photo and likely gifted. Save the cute outfits for when she is older. But then, invest in some good laundry spray because there will be a lot of food wearing.
My daughter is 18 months, and my husband told me just last week if it was entirely up to him, 98% of the time he would still dress her in only footed pajamas. Ha!
AnonATL says
We got tons of cute outfits for our little boy from a particular family member. Think button up shirts and trousers with suspenders… We never used them and they went right into the “donate” pile.
Most days we swap out of footed jams into a onesie and pants. My kid loves to pull his socks off and put them in his mouth so they never last long.
Anon says
Pulling things over the head is far less of an issue once they have neck muscles. I don’t recall when we started, but it was a non issue pretty quickly. We did use onesie undershirts under sleepers pretty often for extra warmth, so it was a common practice for us.
Anonymous says
I think real outfits look rumply and messy on little babies, and they’re not worth the hassle. I dressed my January baby in footie PJs until spring when it got warm and she started day care, then one-piece playsuits and rompers throughout the spring and summer. When she was eight months old I finally started putting her in a onesie or t-shirt with overalls or pants.
Cb says
You’re sensible. My kiddo wore footed jammies for ages – until I went back to work at 6 months and Papa (who was our nanny) insisted on real clothes, but then he was dressing him, not me. On my own, I’d occasionally put him in a cute outfit for a coffee date with friends, but looking back at photos, it was 80% jammies.
Pogo says
I only dress mine in ‘real’ clothes for photo shoots. I did get a few outfits that are long sleeved onesies + pants that seem comfy enough, so I started sending LO to daycare in those. But that necessitated booties which apparently he kept kicking off, so daycare lady requested the one-piece footie pjs. So he truly only wears pajamas.
I have to stop myself from buying allll the HA prints. I get matching jammies for my sons. I got us matching xmas pjs.
Anonymous says
I did this too. October baby and all. In the Midwest. Kiddo didn’t start wearing non footie pajamas until late spring when it got too warm for them.
ALC says
My kid also wore only footed pjs for the first 6-7 months, even after he started at daycare. After the first month or so of daycare I started noticing that all the other babies wore pants and shirts (and shoes!) so I switched over.
fdsa says
+1 My kid was a July baby. She wore jammies through her first winter at daycare – and she had company there. My husband was envious! (Although I’ve noticed this year he’s been wearing jammies every day too.)
Anonymous says
My September baby is wearing footed PJs to daycare. The other babies are wearing pants and shirts. I cannot be bothered. She refuses to keep shoes/socks/booties on (and even the booties that allegedly stay on won’t), and I don’t want another thing to keep track of.
Anonanonanon says
I think what you are doing is totally fine (baby is in clean, seasonally-appropriate clothing and that’s the bar) and people who put their kids in “real” outfits are totally fine, too. I really enjoyed putting my second in “real” outfits because I had a girl and it was 8 years after my first and, frankly, I was a broke single mom with my first and I found it comforting to have the disposable income to buy silly things like “real” outfits for a baby. There were also days where she was in a diaper and socks all day. (I keep my house abnormally warm). This is very much a whatever floats your boat situation!
Louisa says
I also have an 8-year gap and my 8-year-old son definitely has his own preferences/style. So this baby girl is getting dressed in whatever I think is super cute. Mostly long sleeve onesies pants and booties but I’m enjoying myself.
Anon says
I had a winter newborn in non-pandemic times and did this too. We even dressed her in footie pajamas regularly her second winter (she wasn’t walking yet). We even took her to restaurants and things like that in pajamas occasionally. It horrified my friend but I didn’t see what the big deal was.
Anon says
I always dressed my baby in a onesie because I found footies so hard to put on. I think my baby’s legs may have been too long maybe? Getting the left leg into the leg without a zip was hard for me.
NYCer says
Until about 3 months, my babies only wore PJs (though like a previous poster, we also put a onesie underneath the PJs, and it was a non-issue putting things over their head). After that, I tried to get them “dressed” most days as we received a TON of clothes as gifts, and I wanted to get some use out of them. Nothing elaborate, but I actually thought they looked cute in the clothes at that point, so it worked for us.
anon says
I rarely dressed my kids in “real clothes” at that age. Whatever is the point? One-piece jammies ftw.
Anon says
You’re amazing. We live vicariously through our 12 month old’s footies. He is comfortable and happy.
My kid does have some nice outfits that look cute for pictures at daycare, church, and Christmas (even though it’s just the three of us). We do one or two nice outfits per size and figure that it’s fun. Otherwise, he wears onesies with “jeans” or footies.
Anon says
I agree – sleepers and comfy clothes are easiest for little babies (and IMO look cuter – jeans on a newborn look terrible and uncomfortable). But I’ve been hearing more an more about leaving babies feet bare; there are tons of nerve endings in their feet that help with their development, and they don’t get “cold feet” in the same way adults might. Just FYI as we heard toward spring – I dressed my first two in footies but am planning on footless sleepers/plain onesies/leggings for baby 3, due soon.
Anonymous says
Oh, good! The fact that my baby was barefoot most of the time because she wanted to eat her socks actually makes me a good mom who was maximizing her developmental opportunities.
GCA says
You are brilliant and baby is happy and comfortable. (Let’s face it: I now wfh in leggings and would happily do so in footie pajamas if footie pajamas were acceptable for client Zooms.) Mine both went to daycare in footie jams for the first few months alongside babies who wore everything from PJs to real outfits and none of those babies judged each other.
AnotherAnon says
tl;dr – I’m basically just echoing what others have said. I received some very sweet hand me down outfits, and I tried to take “X months old” photos in those, but that’s certainly not necessary. My kid went to day care in sleep n plays (zipper footie pjs) literally until day care asked me to please start sending him in real clothes. It was after his first birthday (he wasn’t walking so I hadn’t really thought about it). You do you!
Anon says
I first thought this post was about a 17 months old child and I was like hmm a little long to stay in jammies but hey it’s a pandemic and kid sounds comfy! Only 17 weeks? You’re good.
Anon says
I’ll preface this by saying I have a call into the pediatrician and will follow any treatment plan recommended.
Does anyone have experience with treating pinworms? There have been cases at my 18-month-old daughter’s daycare I strongly suspect she may have them, and I think that I might too – ugh! Aside for any treatment recommended by our doctors, anyone have any tips and tricks for treating the discomfort in the meantime, cleaning, disinfecting, etc.?
I didn’t even realize this was such a common problem until I looked at the info the daycare sent. It’s…fascinating.
Anon says
Oh, no. So sorry! We had to deal with this when my daughter was a toddler. The treatment itself isn’t a big deal – it’s some OTC banana-flavored liquid (although it was hard to find at our pharmacies, so you might need to call around). Our pediatrician recommended that everyone in the house do it because pinworms spread so easily.
The more difficult aspect was the constant washing of all the things. Pinworms crawl out and lay eggs at night, so the advice we got was to wash sheets, lovies, pillows, and pjs every morning in hot water (or leave them outside if it had been winter, which it wasn’t), and to fold them carefully before removing them to avoid bouncing the eggs into the air and onto the carpet…my daughter was still sleeping on a waterproof mattress so I wiped it down with a diluted bleach solution every morning too. I had coin-operated laundry at the time and it got expensive quickly.
Realist says
It used to be common to deworm children as a preventative every year, and I’m honestly not sure that it was a great idea to stop that practice. I don’t have any specific tips, but maybe ask the doctor about any bath additives that would be safe for the baby and improve discomfort. Possibly a small amount of epsom salt, baking soda, apple cider vinegar, or borax in the bath might help? For yourself, you could just experiment and see if taking a bath in anything helps with the discomfort.
anon says
oh dear… we had to cancel a trip 2 years ago because my toddler was in agony one night and we had no idea why, until we realised a few days after it was the pinworms… we all had to take the treatment (repeat 2 weeks later) and wash everything religiously as described above every other day for a week… then she got it again 6 months later. and then again earlier this year, so I can only assume it’s making its round around the school or something? she sucks her thumb so is probably more susceptible to it
this thing is evil, but if you treat it right away it’s fine
Boston Legal Eagle says
Registering my older kid for kindergarten now (eek!) – part of me is thinking, I don’t even know what I’m registering for at this point in terms of hybrid/full in person/etc. What is everyone thinking, at this point, in terms of fall? Do you think everyone will be back in person full time, with masks for the kids maybe? I really really don’t want virtual for my kid, and I know we’ve had some talk on here about districts refusing to go back – just wondering if anyone else has heard from their districts or if it’s still wait and see at this point.
AwayEmily says
I feel similarly confused — my kid is also starting K in the fall. Here in NYS they are prioritizing vaccinating teachers, so my guess is that it will be in-person, masks for kids, maybe with an online component for high-risk kids? But if they decide to go virtual I think we will homeschool with a family nearby. We have flexible enough schedules (all academics) that it would suck but we could make it work.
Anonanonanon says
Our district has done quite an about face and is slowly going to start phasing kids in person. My upper-elementary kid will be in person in some form or fashion in about a month. They are now stating full-time in-person instruction is the “goal” for Fall 2021.
Personally, it would be a headache, but it would be interesting if the school schedule shifted for the next year or two so that “Summer” was in Winter, when case counts are likely to be the highest, and the kids go to school through the warm months. Then if people travel during the holidays, they aren’t coming back to school to spread things.
Anonymous says
I think schools should do this too and honestly I think they may. Since we missed our chance to actually contain this, winter is now going to be “cold, flu and Covid season” instead of just “cold and flu season” and with Covid still significantly deadlier than the flu, I think we may be facing overwhelmed hospitals and the return of social distancing every winter. Probably not to the degree we saw in 2020, but having the school break over the winter and holiday travel season could really help.
Anonymous says
The tourism and amusement park lobbies would block that. My state has a law named after an amusement park that prohibits public schools from starting before Labor Day so that high school kids will be available to work all summer.
Anon says
What your district is doing now is probably the best predictor. We’ve been in person all year so I can’t imagine them not doing in-person next fall. I think vaccines will offset the effects of any new variants, plus there’s momentum to stay open once they’ve opened initially. If they haven’t opened yet, then yeah it doesn’t seem like a sure thing by any means although I certainly hope more districts can be open in the fall than now.
Anon says
this is so district specific. i know a lot of people who if their preschool has a kindergarten class (or some where i live have started them due to the pandemic), are just keeping their kid there for one more year
Anonymous says
I’m begging my preschool to re-start their K program that closed about a decade ago. I don’t think it will happen because our schools are open for full-time in-person instruction, so the demand doesn’t really exist. But this whole experience has just really soured me on public schools (even though I used to be a huge advocate for them), we love our preschool and at this point I would gladly pay $10k for my kid to go there even though public school is free.
Anonymous says
If you opt for private K at a preschool, make sure it is accredited and that your child will be accepted into first grade as a transfer. These programs are typically designed with the idea that most kids will repeat K in public school. Our school district leaves the decision whether to accept transfers from private K up to individual principals, so it’s a good idea to speak with your principal ahead of time.
Anonymous says
In many states, including mine, kindergarten is not required. You just enroll in first grade when you’re age eligible. I don’t know anyone except homeschooling families who actually opted out of K, but technically it is optional so whether the K program is accredited or not doesn’t matter.
Anonymous says
Interesting–we have compulsory K and it is impossible to start first grade without completing an accredited K program. Definitely know your state and local policies!
Anonymous says
Our district barely managed to handle the semester transition without a major disaster, and no announcements have been made about fall. Ordinarily students would have registered for next year’s courses in October, but there is no word on what courses and programs will even be offered next year or when registration will take place. I think what happens in the fall is a function of 1) the strength of your local teachers’ union, 2) how strong a leadership role your state has been taking with respect to schools, and 3) local politics. I don’t think any plans announced before mid-August can be relied upon, with the possible exception of binding selection of on-line instruction.
We are in a right-to-work state with weak central leadership and a governor who says he wants kids back in classrooms. Most large districts in our state, where the population includes a sizeable proportion of educated transplants from other states, have been fully remote all year and are phasing in limited in-person instruction in March, with an option to remain on line for the remainder of the year. Many of these districts originally planned to open in hybrid mode and pivoted to 100% on-line just days before school started in September. The districts where politics are dominated by poorly educated locals have insisted on in-person instruction. Our state has prioritized teachers above seniors for vaccination. My best guess is that most districts will be back to in-person instruction, perhaps with limited options for on-line learning, by fall.
Anonymous says
Wow
Anonymous says
I’m in NYC, and we have been open for hybrid this year. I am cautiously optimistic we will be open full time this fall, possibly still with masks. But I also try not to think too far ahead – things change every week, and it is too exhausting to worry in advance.
Anonymous says
In person! Maybe not exactly the same but in person.
Lyssa says
It is and probably will continue to be wildly variable by area. But I’ll point out that my little girl is in K this year, full-time in person since August, and it’s much, much better than I ever would have expected. She’s learning like crazy, the masks/sanitation/distancing rules are pretty easy for kids to understand and get used to (they’re so much more adaptable then we are!) and she adores her teacher. I’m really not seeing much effective difference between her K experience and her older brother’s from normal times (other than the fact that they now each have individual laptops, which blows my mind for 5 year olds, but again, got used to it so quickly).
There are announcements that someone in the school has tested positive on a fairly regular basis, but as far as I know, there hasn’t been any spread within the school. My daughter’s friend (in another class) had to quarantine for a few days after an exposure in her class, but no one got sick. They seem to be really on top of keeping this under control. They’ve gone virtual a few days (for weather – the individual computers make snow days a thing of the past), and it’s definitely not effective at that age, but the in-person is great.
So, if you wind up with a choice, I’d recommend doing it in-person.
Anonymous says
+1 Not K, but we have preschool with masks and distancing – our school takes it really seriously and it appears that the kids really are 3′ apart pretty much all the time, no touching/hugging, etc. I was worried about it and thought she might be sad or confused about being told to stay away from her friends, but it’s been wonderful and the change in my daughter’s personality was very noticeable and immediate as soon as she went back. She was suffering so much in isolation and just being able to be in the same room with other kids is wonderful, even if there are weird new rules.
anon says
+1. My kids are back in person and I am so, so grateful. And it’s honestly been going very well. There have been a handful of cases in the building, but no outbreaks and everything has stayed contained. It’s different than normal times, of course. Masking is mandatory, special events aren’t happening, and classes don’t get to mix at recess or lunchtime. But it’s still 1 million times better than virtual, especially for K-2.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I will gladly do full time in person if it’s an option, masks or otherwise. Our district is currently doing hybrid, with different cohorts in at different days, which I guess would be the worst case scenario. The other big question mark is after-care.
Pogo says
I’m in a northern Boston burb and all our aftercare is cancelled, but they are registering for K. They are not committing to whether it’s in person or not yet. Public pre-K was cancelled so we are doing private. The school my son goes to also has private K and aftercare so worst case if this nightmare continues I am planning to just keep him there for the next 2 years.
No Face says
My special needs preschooler’s experience is like yours. She and the other kids adapted to the rules without issue. She is happy, and has a best friend for the first time. She is now above average for her kindergarten readiness skills and her improvement on her IEP goals also skyrocketed since they’ve been back in person. I’ve gotten three emails about positive cases in the school, but there has been no spread within the schools.
Mary Moo Cow says
We’ve been in person in private school all year (Kindergarten and preschool.) My local public schools have been bait-and-switch with offering in person and then delaying the start date, to the point where I will be surprised if they actually go back this year.
I would research what in person actually means: I was shocked to learn it means in a classroom with a laptop and a virtual teacher. I would pick at home virtual over that!
I think it will vary widely by geography and culture, with some combination of masks, smaller classes, no extracurricular activities, no sports, temp checks, etc. Locally, in SEUS, the pressure is building to be in-person.
Anonymous says
Yes, the in-a-classroom-with-a-laptop thing is apparently a significant part of our district’s plan to bring students back to school in March. “Please note that schools will use a combination of direct instruction, simultaneous instruction and support to virtual instructional models to fully support instruction both for in-person and virtual-based students.”
I’m just flabbergasted that, with teachers being prioritized for vaccines and all the research that has come out about schools not being a significant source of community spread, revisions to safe distance and capacity recommendations, etc, they’re still overcomplicating like this.
Anonymous says
I am concerned that if teenagers can be vaccinated over the summer there may be a push in conservative SEUS counties either not to require masks in high schools or to prohibit them altogether. It’s still illegal to wear face coverings in public in many states, and I could see our district using that as a rationale for banning masks. The general attitude towards masking here is already very wink wink, nod nod. People generally wear their masks below their noses or bend the nose wires so as to hold themask away from the face.
Anonymous says
Our school district is passing off a lot of “sit in a room and do on-line learning” as in-person learning. Not just for two weeks while a teacher is quarantined due to exposure, but all year for some classes. No, thank you.
GCA says
+1. This is our experience too with in-person (south of Boston burbs, Title 1 school, socioeconomically diverse district).
Current K setup is half days in-person 4 days, with one remote ‘day’ (basically one hour of virtual K). The half days are so they can ‘pod’ the kids in each class – normally you’d have 20 kids in a K class, but they do 10 in the morning and 10 in the afternoon with one teacher. The teacher is not also teaching a group remotely at the same time – I don’t see how that could ever work!
5-year-olds seem very good about mask-wearing and hand-sanitizing. We’ve had a ‘someone has tested positive’ letter every month or so, but no spread within the school. Once their teacher tested positive (as part of contact tracing within the school) and the class went fully remote for two weeks, but no one got sick. Our aftercare is open on-site, so DS is essentially with a subset of the same kids all day.
I appreciate that our district has prioritised the very youngest kids and special ed learners for in-person. The district is now discussing plans to bring grades 1-3 back in-person full-time; to date, those grades have done 2 days in-person, 3 days remote. I expect at least some degree of virtual instruction to continue through fall.
Anonymous says
What is the point of pods of 10 if aftercare is open? I guess you could keep them farther apart in the classroom, but then many of the kids will be exposed to a different group during aftercare. I would rather have no aftercare and full-sized classes.
GCA says
They seem to be distanced in the classroom, and at least half of the class goes home. I agree it’s messy, not ideal, and is the sum total of my personal risk budget, but I feel like it enables kids to get some in-person learning while giving working parents some options.
Anonymous says
I’m also struggling with this, as we’re trying to decide whether to continue with private school or not, and this is an expensive decision to make without full information. The tuition is completely worth it to me to avoid hybrid or virtual, but our public elementary school was perfectly fine until March 2020.
MoCo has been dragging its feet all year on going back in person. I hope that just means they can’t turn the aircraft carrier mid-year and will reset for a “normal” school year in September, but they’ve been dragging their feet so much, and our local health dept guidance has been so conservative w/r/t schools that I’m not sure.
MD anon says
Our Maryland school district has been remote all year (PG, not MoCo) and while there’s still a chance that we’ll switch to hybrid later in the spring, I think that’s quite unlikely to happen for average kids (since they’re prioritize the groups that are really suffering from remote school, like ESL, special needs, etc).
I’m really hoping we’re able to have in-person school in September, even though kids won’t be vaccinated, and that my kids will be able to start K as normal, but we’ll see. We’ve started vaccinating teachers, so that’s a step in the right direction.
Anon says
In the Northeast, I don’t think there’s any chance public school will be “normal” next fall. The kids won’t be vaccinated so cases can still spread among them, so I’m sure distancing will still be required, which will necessitate a hybrid model in most schools. I’m just hoping kids will be allowed to share toys and play with each other again.
That said, my son is in K this year and has had a grand total of 17 in person days all school year. It sounds really depressing, and I’m still grieving the experience he “could” have had, but he’s honestly done so well and it’s been easier than I expected.
Anonymous says
My child is in virtual K. If you think there is any chance that your child will be learning online for part of the time I would suggest looking into options for private if you are able. It is easier to get your child into a private school now than in the fall. I received a lot of assurances from teachers and the principal that were wrong and my kid is suffering. Switching to private once school started was not an option as even the bad schools had wait lists.
Anon says
In our county in Maryland the plan is going to “in-person” but for many of the classes it’s just kids on their laptops with classroom monitors, and no books or objects in the room. Or it may be teachers simultaneously teaching kids in the room and virtual. These are not good options.
Anonymous says
My husband and I have big heads; in fact, I took up knitting when I couldn’t find hats big enough for my giant dome. So our son also has a massive head, of which I am inordinately proud. At one point when he was younger, it was off the growth chart, so much so that the pediatrician did a double take and measured again. I didn’t have trouble getting him into onesies due to the lapped shoulders I guess, but toddler bike helmets and swim shirts (look for ones with a zip neck) were problems.
Anon says
Yes – the zip swim shirt and the zip hoodie are a godsend. My kiddo is still on the growth charts for head circumference, but only barely.
CrowTRobot says
I hear you on this. My son was off the growth charts for most of his early life… We had to do regular checks at the neurologist. Sometimes I wish they would have just considered my giant noggin and been like, “Oh, that makes sense.”
Anon says
My son was angry this morning because I turned off the TV and told me he wished he had a different mom. He’s 4, mid-tantrum, I know he was just lashing out, but still it has really made me upset. I talked to him once he’d cooled off about how we don’t try to hurt people we love with words even when we’re angry, but I still feel kind of down. I’m not the world’s most confident person in general, especially about parenting, and have often thought that my kids would indeed be better off if they were with someone else so I think it struck a nerve. Guess I’m just venting to try to get this off my mind so I can focus on work, but if anyone has advice, share please.
Anonymous says
My advice is going to sound harsh but I mean it with so much love: this is not about you and you have to get over it. Kids are gonna tell you they hate you and they want a new family and they wish they’d never been born and that everything about you is the worst. This is obviously not a festive part of parenthood! It’s also developmentally a thing that’s just gonna happen, it is not about how good a mom you are, and you’re going to have to keep teaching kindness again and again and again.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Yes, I think of it as training for the teenage years. My older kid used to yell that he hates us, that we’re not his best friend anymore, that he wants the other parent, etc. I try really hard not to take it personally, but as a sensitive person I do get hurt. But it really is more about them releasing their emotions, which is a great thing actually, and is a sign that you’re doing great because they feel comfortable enough with you to yell and cry and tell you that they hate you (knowing that you’ll still be there for them).
anon says
agreed, you’ll get nowhere trying to police a four-year-old’s expressive language when he’s frustrated or angry and it’s better for him that you don’t try. My husband’s mother made him responsible for her emotions/confidence and hoo boy please do not do that.
He told you that he wished he had a different mom because a) he knew there was no chance of that happening and b) he was entirely safe with you to express himself, but c) he was actually frustrated with you! (weren’t you also a little frustrated with him, mid-tantrum? I would be).
Kids catch on to kindness and appropriate boundaries from demonstration, not from being talked to about it – “better caught than taught” my mom used to say.
To diffuse in the moment, sometimes I use the “give it to them in fantasy” technique from How to Talk… – “Oh, yeah, what kind of mom would you rather have? I bet you’d like one who lets you watch TV ALL the TIME. What else does the different mom do? [listen with curiosity]… [nonchalantly] well, you’re stuck with me and I’m not going anywhere – I love you whether you like me or not.”
Anonymous says
I just always remember that it isn’t my job to be liked, it is my job to parent my child.
Jeffiner says
When my daughter told me that she wanted a new mom, I told her that a new mom might make her eat broccoli with no ketchup on it. She immediately regretted her statement, tearfully apologized, and never said it ever again. In fact she actually stopped a few tantrums and asked “I still get ketchup?”
I’ve read that kids lash out at the ones they love the hardest, because they feel more comfortable and secure in your love. You’re doing great, momma. Kids are just kids. You just gotta expect they’ll be kids and roll with it.
Anon says
If it makes you feel any better, my kids say this to me from time to time and I think I’m a pretty great mom. (And I’m willing to be that you are too.)
potato says
You’re a good mom. Setting boundaries is important and you’re doing it (even though it sucks).
Anonymous says
If it’s helpful, my mom had a great way of handling this. When I’d say something like that, she’d joke, “Would you like to take me back to the Mom Store and trade me in for another mom?” I’d always stop to think about it, and while I’d think that it’d be fun to have a new mom for a little bit, at the end I loved my mom a whole bunch and wouldn’t want anybody else. Or sometimes I’d say yes and say what kind of mom I wanted (junk food/tv/stay up late/stay out late when I got older) and my mom would reply that I’d need to save my pennies because that model was expensive LOL. The whole conversation was so absurd that it really broke the tension.
AwayEmily says
This morning when I got my 3yo up he gave me a big hug and then said excitedly “Today we are getting a NEW MAMA!” When I asked where he was getting this new mom, he said “The flower store.”
:-o
Redux says
I cringe to remember all the awful things I said to my mom as a teenager… Uf.
Agree with all the above. I firmly believe people are often harshest to the ones they know love them the most and who will comfort them and forgive them and love them anyway. Kids and adults, too. You are a safe place for these emotions, as a previous poster said, and you should feel very heartened by knowing that you have made your kiddo feel safe to express his big emotions.
Hang in there, this is hard!
anon says
there is an episode of the show 7th Heaven (anyone remember that ?!?) where Ruthie tells the mom that she hates her. and the mom is very upset, and the husband is trying to console the mom reminding her that all the other kids have said that to her too, etc. i just googled it for you. it is season 2- episode 9. maybe watching it will help you feel better
Anon says
That’s so hard. My husband and I like to remind ourselves that we’re parenting for our future 25-year-old son, and not the current preschool version. It’s okay if we disappoint preschool version. We want the adult version to look back and think “my parents did a good job.” I’m sure your 25-year-old son will be happy that you didn’t let him watch TV all the time!!
H13 says
Can anyone talk me through the process of the various evaluations for your kid, neuropsych or other options? My 2nd grader is on year three of having trouble concentrating in school and I think the teachers are obliquely telling me he needs to have an evaluation for ADHD. We are starting with the pediatrician and I have set up a time for the school counselor to see him, but I am just at a loss of how this works. I don’t quite understand what the schools can/can’t do, what options are out there, how we assess what he actually needs once we do or don’t have a diagnosis. I don’t have anyone close to me who has been through the process. Help!
Anon says
No advice on ADHD, but my 3YO gets speech therapy and has an IEP through the public school system and I have to say it is navigating a maze of forms and processes and requests which I had never been exposed to. Hopefully your pediatrician and counselor can give you guidance – I think in our district after age 5 (under 5 is a county-run referral process) decisions and evaluations are made by a local screening committee covering the specific public school . As background materials, you might look into IEPs and 504 requests and see what you think fits best, but the pediatrician and counselor should be able to offer some guidance.
H13 says
Thank you for the input. I seriously just feel like I took on another job.
Spirograph says
You can make this as complex or simple as you want to. The ADHD diagnostic tool is literally just a questionnaire that parents and teachers fill out. Ask your pediatrician how they handle ADHD — some are comfortable with working through diagnosis and mediations (if you choose to go that route), others will refer you to a specialist. If you live in a large city, there are probably ADHD-specific practices. If you are concerned about comorbidities or other factors, you can do a full workup with a psychologist or psychiatrist from the start. Depending on your insurance coverage, this could get expensive. We spent several hundred dollars out of pocket for a couple of initial appointments and review of teacher surveys.
I encourage you to do some reading or research on ADHD. I had a very simplistic and not-quite-accurate idea of what it actually means and its implications, and educating myself was key to understanding how to engage more constructively with my son.
ADD says
It’s really hard, so you have my sympathies as I’m going through the same with my son. I’d start with your Pediatrician as you’ll likely need a neuropsych eval at some time and those things take a while.
I started with my school district for a mix of reasons (had concerns about speech and OT). Because the challenges were not deemed to interfere with his academic progress the school psychologist said to talk to his pediatrician. Which I now have to do.
Ultimately, the school can offer accommodations, either in the form of a 504 or IEP, but if you are more concerned about treating the actual ADD/ADHD, you’ll need to work via medical professionals. And unless there are classroom behaviors you are worried about, it will likely be easier with a diagnosis. If you need immediate changes from your teacher, then maybe also start the school process now. It takes a while, but at least where I am, they need to complete the evaluation in 60 days, so there’s a greater timeliness.
For comparison, my son has hearing loss so the diagnosis makes it easier to get things like preferred seating. But I have to work with the audiologist for the hearing aid and other treatments.
But at the end of the day, I am just a parent trying to figure this all out too. not an expert and districts do vary
Anonymous says
It is so complicated and confusing. We are going on year 5 of early intervention/special education services and it’s still incredibly hard to navigate. Check out understood.org and Additude magazine, they have some overviews.
Bottom line is that a pediatrician/psychologist can only make a “medical” diagnosis, which can qualify you for therapies covered by your health insurance.
To get an IEP or 504 plan (assuming you are at a public school), you will need an educational evaluation. Check out understood.org and Additude magazine on how to formally request that the school perform this evaluation. Schools will sometimes treat medical diagnoses as influential, but they are not required to recognize them or provide any services or accommodations based on what a doctor says.
Good luck.
So Anon says
In 1st grade, my son’s teacher made comments that formally put ASD on my radar (though, truthfully, I had suspected it since he was 3). We started with our pediatrician, who made a referral to a developmental pediatrician and suggested an OT eval. It was a 6-12 month wait for the developmental pediatrician, and 3 months for the OT eval and an additional 3 months until a spot opened up for OT. The developmental pediatrician made an ASD diagnosis. My son was then referred to a child psychologist, who did a full neuro-psych work-up. She confirmed that he was 2e (both autism and high intellect). We were able to take the reports of both back to the school and request services. We were denied because his ASD does not impact his scores on standardized tests below an acceptable point.
Back when his 1st grade teacher initially reached out, I “formally requested an evaluation to determine whether my son was in need of special education services,” and was told that it really wasn’t that big of a deal. In hindsight, that was totally not ok by the principal. You can request a formal evaluation, but it will only be used in school. An evaluation done by a medical provider can be used in school and to obtain services outside of school. We use those evals to justify the need for OT.
My biggest recommendation is to start a binder. Print out and keep every document, every referral and all of your notes. It is so much easier to build this as you go along rather than try and recreate it in hindsight. Also, if you end up seeing multiple different providers, it can be surprising how much docs do not make it between providers. Take it with you to every appointment and every school meeting.
H13 says
That is incredibly helpful–thank you. I feel like there is no roadmap and the school isn’t really providing much aside from talk to the pediatrician first. And it kills me that the timeline to any sort of productive response could take so long.
Anon says
Any advice for potty-training strong-willed kids who’ve decided they don’t want to be potty trained? My daughter turned 3 in January. We tried on and off to get her using the potty since she was 2.5 and we got serious with the naked method over winter break. It didn’t take and now she’s just completely refusing to go near the potty. We’ve tried every reward we can think of, read books and watched Daniel Tiger about it, talked about how big girls use the potty, etc. We take breaks from trying, thinking she might develop an interest if we don’t force it, but nope. Her daycare teachers are also baffled, they said that while it’s developmentally normal for a 3 year old to still be having accidents, they’ve never seen a kid her age this resistant just to trying. She’s the only kid in her class of old 2s and young 3s who’s not potty-trained. She’s aware of this and seems embarrassed about it (she said other kids call her a baby because she uses diapers). Everyone agrees she’s physically ready because she can hold her urine for many hours at a time and lets adults know when she’s going, so the issue is just willingness to sit on the potty and release it. I’m just stumped. She is the funniest, sweetest kid but really off the charts in terms of stubborness and so I fear she will never potty train unless she gets on board with the idea and I don’t know how to make that happen. All my friends potty-trained their kids easily before 3 and I feel like such a failure.
Anonymous says
Bribery. I convinced my almost-3-year-old to be potty trained by telling her that she had to be potty trained to go to soccer class on Saturdays like her preschool friends. I don’t know whether or not the soccer class actually accepted kids in diapers, but it worked.
Anon says
you are NOT a failure. my best friend as a child was similar. people used to tell her parents that she won’t go to college in diapers. i think just one day she was ready. at a calmer moment, can you try to talk to your daughter about why she doesn’t like to use the potty? like in a non-judgmental kind of way. can you ask her if she has any ideas? kids will surprise you with what they come up with that you might never have thought of. is she trying to use the regular toilet or a little potty? do you let her see you use the potty?
Anon says
We use a little potty, although we have also offered the toilet. Yes, we let her watch us. I’ve asked her about it and the response is just “I like diapers, I want to stay in diapers forever.” When we tell her she can’t stay in diapers forever and has to learn how to go on the potty at some point, she just says “I’ll do it later, not now.” Apparently at daycare when they ask her to go on the potty she also stalls with “I’ll do it later” or “I’ll do it after nap” and then after nap “I’ll do it tomorrow” etc.
Anon says
what do you think she would do if you just ‘ran out’ of diapers?
Anon says
Hmm what would we do about night? She’s too logical so if we “run out” of diapers but keep offering one at night, she’ll just suggest we use the night diapers for daytime. I could be wrong, but I don’t think she’s biologically ready to be night-trained. She sleeps ~13 hours straight and always wakes up with an extremely heavy diaper.
Anon says
could you switch to pull ups for daytime and use different diapers for nighttime. i have 2.75 year old twins and they know which ones are for daytime and which are for nighttime and when i try to switch them they call me out on it. so you could do this for like 2 weeks, and then ‘run out’ of whatever you use in the daytime and tell her the other ones are just for night?
Anonymous says
No night diapers. Rubber sheet, laundry more.
DLC says
We did this with our 4 year old. We had one last sleeve of pull ups and told him that once those were gone we were going to try to stay dry and use the potty. Maybe having the visual count down helped?
(We still use regular diapers at night)
Jeffiner says
Yes, this was my daughter. Daycare had never seen anything like her. We tried Oh, Crap a few times. Daycare tried holding her back in the 2 year old room, but instead of missing the 3 year olds, she became a little ruler of the 2’s. Daycare moved her to the 3 year old room and told us to go cold turkey on no diapers. Two weeks and twenty messes later, she was back in pull-ups. I was frustrated enough that I didn’t care if she was still in diapers forever.
Just wait. She’ll potty train when she’s ready. I’ve met two other moms who have had daughters like this, and really nothing worked. The girls just woke up one day and decided it was time (usually closer to 4 than 3). We did buy a nice big toy and put it on a shelf over the potty, but it still took a few weeks of her looking at the toy, and holding the box, and us actually adding a second toy, before she finally used the potty the first time.
Their determination is an asset. One day my daughter will be in charge of not 2 year olds, but adults, and she will be amazing.
Anon says
Thanks, this makes me feel better. It’s always a bit concerning when daycare says they’ve never seen this before because they have experience with so many kids. I totally agree their determination is an asset!
Boston Legal Eagle says
When I hear about stubborn kids, I just think of how great it will be for society to have these non-rule following leaders (I mean that in the best way possible). So hang in there parents, solidarity (my older kid is stubborn about various things too), I bet they will do great things in the future!
anon says
I have a really stubborn girl and your post was what I needed this morning after a few really trying days.
Anon says
I also have a very stubborn and challenging kid who will rule the world (or become a mob boss, TBD). We successfully trained on the second try at a month or two shy of 3. No amount of bribery worked; we just took the diapers away, put pretty underwear that she liked on her, and dealt with the accidents. With her stubbornness, she was never going to just decide to give in. While also a logical kid, she did not connect the night time diapers as an available option. Would your kid regard pullups as different enough that you could switch to those at night? We couldn’t ask about going to the potty more than once an hour or she would get super angry and not go near it, but after soaking her undies a few times, she connected the dots.
anon says
I agree with Jeffiner. My kid was impervious to really amazing bribes, cajoling, etc. I was worried and on the brink of looking into potty learning consultants. For months, he said he would use underwear when he was 5. He woke up on his 5th birthday, put on underwear, and has been doing great ever since.
If you don’t have to potty train now (like, you’ll have no decent childcare if your kid is in diapers), I’d just wait until your kid is ready.
Anon says
Unfortunately she’s also promised us various dates for months (“I’ll do it after our trip,” “I’ll do it when I’m 3” etc) and so far all the milestones have passed without any change, so I suspect it’s a stalling tactic for her more than anything else.
Anonymous says
You are not a failure. My first we bribed with m&m’s a few months after she turned 3 when it was apparent she wasn’t into it. We tried TV, but she didn’t care that she got no screen time. It was about funding her motivator.
Anonanonanon says
It was chocolate chips for my daughter. She still calls them “potty treats” and says things like “Can we make potty treat cookies?” or “How about potty treat muffins for breakfast?”
Anon says
+1 – have you offered chocolate? That got us over the hump with my first. And you won’t be giving it forever – we gradually phased it out. If you haven’t tried bribing with M&Ms I’d definitely do that before waiting.
Anon says
OP here – yes we’ve tired M&Ms and other chocolate. I initially didn’t want to go that route, but changed my mind pretty quickly when it became clear that stickers/screentime/etc weren’t going to cut it. I have a sweet tooth and we bake a lot together, so chocolate isn’t the forbidden fruit for her that it probably is some households. I’m honestly not sure what I could give her that would motivate her (I’ve even asked her!). It probably doesn’t help that the last couple months of been an almost constant barrage of new books and toys, between the winter holidays and her birthday. There is just nothing that she desperately wants but doesn’t have.
anon says
I have one exceedingly stubborn child so I feel your pain. Trying to figure out some currency that will work as bribery is my best bet. Candy? Sticker chart? Super cool toy? New book? Trip to a new playground? Trip to pick out her very own doughnut?
anon says
I posted yesterday about how I was having intense stress about this. l My daughter is a month shy of 3 and will happily use the big potty at daycare. She won’t go on her own, but she will go if they put her there (just pee). She was going sporadically at home when I bribed her with M&Ms and has decided she doesn’t want to at home now (not sure why, she said she doesn’t feel like it and maybe later… sounds like yours). I feel like a major failure that it hasn’t happened yet so I am with you.
Unlike you, I haven’t done the naked thing yet and we are going to try it this weekend. One thing jumped out at your post, the “big girls use the potty.” Anything about being a big girl does NOT work with my child. She sees “big kids” at the playground and is super interested in them (kids around 5 and older). When I talk to her about doing stuff because she is a “big girl” she gets really mad and says she is NOT a big girl, she’s [her name].
Anon says
Yes, we backed off the “big kid” talk pretty quickly because she would just tell us “no, I’m a little kid, I’m still in diapers.” Right now she’s having a full-on baby regression and demanding to be carried/held like a baby, telling us she’s a baby who needs to drink out of bottles, etc. so that’s another thing that’s slightly concerning to me. I know it’s common when there’s a new baby or other stress but she has no siblings and no general stress (other than the pandemic, but her life is not hugely affected by that).
SC says
My son is extremely strong-willed and did not want to go to the potty. He was definitely physically ready. We tried everything. We tried the Oh Crap/naked method, and results were laughable–he peed all over our apartment during Memorial Day weekend, Labor Day weekend, and Christmas break between 2 and 3 years old, then went back to diapers/pullups when it was time to go back to daycare. He outsmarted our bribery system. When we gave him m&ms or stickers for using the potty, he would go a little, again and again, to get the reward, then fill up his pull-up. We stopped using that system. We got a potty watch that reminded him to go. He’d sit on the potty for a few minutes (after a huge fight about it), he wouldn’t go, and then he’d fill up his pull-up.
Eventually, what worked was going cold turkey with diapers/pullups when he was about 3.5. His teachers gave us permission to send in a huge grocery bag of clothes, and they sent wet clothes home everyday for about 2 weeks. There were tons of accidents at home. And then, the accidents decreased over time, gradually, not all of a sudden. He was still having accidents every now and then about a month before his 4th birthday. But by his 4th birthday, he was potty trained.
I’m very reluctant to give potty training advice. I have no idea if we did everything all wrong, or if this was just a particularly hard issue for us. (Kiddo was a good sleeper, and I don’t think we applied any especially great parenting to that issue.) But I guess, be patient. You’re not a failure. Back off and disengage from the power struggle for at least a few weeks. And then pick a method and be consistent and patient for weeks or even months.
anon says
My daughter was kind of like this (except my daycare was very lax about diapers), and it turned out her biggest hangup was pooping. She had impeccable control, but would wait until the very last minute to go. When she turned *4*, I finally put my foot down and said no diapers (at all – she was clearly able to stay dry overnight), but she was allowed to have a diaper to poop in. That lasted for another 6 months. So, not sure I can offer you any tips, but you’re not a failure!
Pogo says
Mine turned 3 last August and was similarly stubborn (also a boy, so luckily I had everyone and their mom telling me ‘boys train later’). We did a combo of naked time and sticker chart/bribery. We figured out something he REALLY wanted and made a chart where he got to put a sticker each time he went. He got one m&m for trying and two m&ms for producing on the potty.
We also have this obnoxious talking fisher price potty that someone gave us and I do think it helped him. I will link if I can find it.
I would unfortunately take another break and then when you do it next, do it for good, no more diapers ever. We had a regression when daycare put him in a pullup (as I’ve heard is common), we really had to commit.
Pogo says
I think this is the closest thing available now, ours is older. The one we have I think has a legit sensor and will say “You went potty!” when the kid goes and this really motivated my son for whatever reason. I also appreciate that it’s like a cowbell for potty-ing, so if I’m upstairs nursing the baby and I hear it start singing I know he’s sitting on there and I can yell GOOD JOB BUDDY! PEE GOES IN THE POTTY! because this is my life.
https://www.amazon.com/Fisher-Price-X7306-Learn-to-Flush-Potty/dp/B008DDPLEG/ref=pd_lpo_75_t_0/141-8147851-0901152?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B008DDPLEG&pd_rd_r=38d05c47-b59b-437b-b5f3-d4639ed7de69&pd_rd_w=zQANh&pd_rd_wg=h4z2C&pf_rd_p=16b28406-aa34-451d-8a2e-b3930ada000c&pf_rd_r=SD0YKE3X4H79YYT5GBYF&psc=1&refRID=SD0YKE3X4H79YYT5GBYF
Mary Moo Cow says
I hope this helps: you are not a failure. I’ll share what’s worked for my 3.5 year old: NOTHING. I can count on one hand the number of times she’s pooped in the toilet and she’s been using the toilet since she turned 3. We’ve done rewards charts, bribes with candy, toys, books, ice cream, outings, TV, etc. We’ve tried Pull Ups and staying in panties. We’ve tried going in a pull up in the bathroom. I paid for a consultation with a professional potty trainer. (Seriously.) There has been much weeping and gnashing of teeth. Pediatrician has simply said it’s not a physical problem. It’s just a waiting game.
My older daughter was fully day and night trained in a week so I’ve been really hard on myself about this. But just in the past week or so, I realized it’s my problem but I’m not the problem- and neither is she. It’s just going to be frustrating for a while and then one day it’ll be over.
So no advice but commiseration and reassurance that you’re not doing anything “wrong.”
Anon says
We’re moving into a new house with small 10×10 bedrooms and no playroom space. Can you BTDT moms talk me through the pros and cons of putting both boys in the same bedroom and using one bedroom for a playroom vs giving them each their room with no dedicated playroom?
Anon says
my friend had her boys share once the youngest started sleeping through the night so they could do the same. they just moved into a bigger house and the boys still want to share a room for now even though they still have other play spaces. this might change when they are older, but they are 5 and 3 and it works well for now
Cb says
I only have 1 but we don’t have a playroom and it’s a bit of a pain – the Brio train, the duplo, and the endless cars is a nightly obstacle course (and also, not worth putting away since we’re home all the time) and things are still in the sitting room as he wants to be playing close to where we are. I could definitely see the advantage of having bedrooms for sleeping rather than playing. I think once my heads back to nursery, I’ll put things away properly. When we moved, I thought I’d let my husband/son use the sunroom for trains, but I quite like having my own office/plant growing space…
Pogo says
Pretty sure a picture of our family room would look exactly like yours. I enforce cleanup mayyyybe once a week these days. He’s also always ‘still working’ on his train or Duplo set.
octagon says
This is just from observation, but a friend did something similar and it worked really well. Their house rule is that the playroom is where you can be loud and rambunctious, but the bedroom is for calm. They have a tv in the playroom, plus a nugget couch and all the toys. The bedroom is for books, and a music player, and beds and clothes — that’s it. She said it’s really good because the boys know that they can go to their room if they need a break and just want some quiet.
One thing is that she managed to squeeze in twin beds on adjoining walls, rather than bunk beds, which she said solved the issue of both boys wanting to be on the top bunk (and preventing any horseplay/accidents relating to the top bunk). So if you have room to do that, it’s worth considering.
Anon says
What is BTDT?
Anonanonanon says
I’ve never seen it but I read it as “been there done that”
Anonanonanon says
Our house has 10×10 bedrooms for the kids and no dedicated playroom. Our kids are opposite genders and too far apart in age to share, but it hasn’t been bad. Info on the layouts and how many toys we can fit are below.
The 2 yo has a twin bed and there is much more room in her room for play than I expected. There are 3 long wall-mounted floating picture ledges on a wall. The bottom shelf holds small stuffed animals, the other two hold framed pictures and decorative things. Below those shelves are a kid-sized arm chair and a basket of toys on each side of the arm chair. There is a corner bookshelf at the foot of her bed and a tall-ish dresser (mounted to the wall, obviously). With all of that there is still a lot of room in the middle of the room to play.
My older son has a full-sized bed, a small desk and chair, and a tall dresser in his room. we were able to fit a bookcase in his closet and he stores some toys in there, since almost all of his clothes are in his dresser. The desk replaced a nightstand because of distance learning. There is not much room for “playing” in there, but he’s older. He’ll play with magnatiles or legos on the main floor, but he’s happy to read or play with smaller action figures in his room. I gave up on aesthetics and he has the i k e a pegboard-looking thing over his desk with some shelves to display little funkopops etc.
In our living room, we have magnatiles, kinetic sand, washable crayons and markers, a roll of white paper, washi tape, and a few other things hidden in baskets so that our living space isn’t overwhelmed with toys. School supply-type items and some boxed puzzles are in a storage ottoman. There is currently one of those cardboard houses you put together and have the kids color in our living room, but I take comfort in knowing that is disposable.
tl;dr we survive without a playroom with 10×10 kid bedrooms.
Anon says
Our bedrooms are also about that size (our whole house is only 25’x20’) and they don’t seem small to us. Right now, each boy has his own room and they have a few toys each – a bin of legos, a basket of matchbox cars, and a rotating cast of other toys they’ll bring up to supplement during quiet time. The plan is to move them in together soon, though, to make room for a new baby, and I think it’ll still be plenty of room for beds.
When you say no dedicated playroom, do you mean no other place to even store toys? We keep some in our basement and some in our main living space, with the rest in the attic. If they won’t be able to play anywhere in the house besides the bedrooms, then I would bunk them together and make a playroom.
Anonanonanon says
For us, our kids play on the main floor pretty frequently (living room, doing stuff at the dining room table, riding a balance bike around, etc.) but there is no single room that is just the “play room” for storing toys.
In my experience in past houses with my first kid, he wasn’t going to stay in a dedicated room/ keep toys there anyway. It made more sense to consciously integrate them throughout the house in a hidden way and accept the reality that they always want to play near where we are, and we don’t like just sitting in their bedrooms.
Anon says
Totally agree – and sorry if it seemed I was questioning you, I realize now you also said you had no dedicated playroom but I was directing it more towards the OP to think through. Kids want to be where their parents are, for sure
Anonanonanon says
No, it didn’t seem that way at all. I hope I didn’t come across as defensive! Just clarifying our current setup.
Spirograph says
I’m guessing been-there-done-that
My kids all share a room, which is also their playroom (finished attic the entire length of the house). This is not ideal since sometimes they decide to play with toys when they’re supposed to be going to sleep. I would absolutely do a shared sleeping + dressers room and a shared playroom rather than giving each his own room!
Pros: Only one room of toy mess instead of two. Young kids often enjoy sharing rooms, and it might minimize the afraid of the dark/sleeping alone phase.
Cons: potential for them to wake or keep each other up. Waking up other kids was never an issue, even before they reliably slept through the night. But they are frequently bad influences on each other at bedtime. My imperfect solution is to read my kindle on the couch in their room to enforce quiet time.
anon says
We have two 10X10 bedrooms and one 12X11. Kids are 7, 9 and 12 (GBB). Our set up is like this: girl has 10X10. One boy has 10X10 and all lego. His room also has an en-suite and becomes the guest room if we ever have guests. Other boy has 12X11 and all other toys. For awhile the two boys shared a bed (trundle) (but had separate closets), but now 12 y/o wants to sleep by himself. For us, the individual rooms worked better because they are older (also with distance learning they really need separate space), but allocating the toys by category instead of ownership works well. The kids just move from one room to the next depending on what they are doing. If they had been younger when we moved in (like 2 and 4, rather than 6 and 9), I would probably have started them in the same room. They used to share a room (but the other bedroom was the nursery, the living room was the playroom).
Anon says
Our rooms are small too. I think it depends on the ages of the kids. My kids (boy and girl) shared a room literally from birth of the second one until a few months ago when they hit 7 and 5.
They had twin beds and a bookshelf in the 10×12 bedroom, and nothing else. (They shared the closet – we used those hanging rods to double the space – and the twin beds had pullout drawers underneath for undies/socks/pajamas/etc.) It was the “quiet” room – you go in there to sleep, read, or be quiet. We did get bookcase headboards for each kid so they could have a private place to put “special” toys that they weren’t ready to share. There wasn’t much open floor space but we didn’t need it in there. They both became pretty good sleepers (although the first year for each was miserable) and never had any issues waking each other up.
In the 10×10 playroom we had those cube storage shelves from Ikea lining the walls and lots of bins to store toys, plus those pottery barn chairs. That was the “loud” room where you could make a mess and be loud. The room is small, so we had to enforce a rule that “You pick up toys when you’re done before getting out the next toy.” So they could say, have hot wheels and barbies out if they were playing with those together, but if they wanted to do duplos next, they had to clean up the cars and barbies first. Otherwise there wasn’t enough floor space to play. We also didn’t get train tables or lego tables – there just wasn’t enough floor space to have something like that out permanently. We used the closet in this room to store off-season or off-size clothes for the entire family. (We live in a 4 season climate so have coats, boots, swimsuits, tank tops, etc)
The setup worked pretty well but now that they’re getting older and their toys are getting smaller (more legos and LOL dolls, less giant dollhouse and paw patrol tower) we thought it was time to split them up. We had to get rid of many more toys than we expected though since we had much less wall space for those cube shelves – if it wasn’t a pandemic I probably would have waited another year to outgrow even more of the big toddler toys. We also don’t have as much off-season storage space but we also aren’t really saving off-size clothes anymore – we try to donate quickly rather than save to hand down. The good news is being more contained with their wardrobes has sort of “trained” us to not overbuy clothes for them or us, so we’re more focused with our clothes spending.
Anonanonanon says
I recently rediscovered the magic of those vacuum bags you shove things into and then vacuum the air out of for storage. Made a huge difference with storing/rotating off-season clothing and in the amount of stuff I can fit under my bed in bins!
Anon says
My kids still share at 6 and 4 and you’ve exactly described their current setup – down to the drawers under twins and bookcase headboards. So funny! And we have a bookcase in their room but all toys elsewhere.
Now it’s not the quiet room these days because they have an alexa to tell them the weather in the morning so it’s also the dance party room, but it’s worked out well for us. I see separating them in the next year probably – would rather do it too early than too late although they’ve loved sharing. (They also have a younger sister so probably going to have the girls share…)
CCLA says
Following with interest. Our rooms are marginally bigger but also no play space. We just moved in a few weeks ago and are trying the set up you mentioned. Kids are both girls, 2 and 4. Well they had occasionally shared a room before this when visitors came or the like, until the last few weeks they had not regularly slept in the same room, and it was a little rough for the first couple of weeks… But they seem to be doing a lot better now after about three weeks or so. I full expect to give them each their own room when they’re older but for now with all the toys this seems better.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I just checked – my kids each have their own rooms, 11×9 and 12×10, and they seem good sized to me – space for their beds/crib, bookshelves and toy bins. It’s nice for them to have toys in their own rooms because they play a bit at night and they have slightly different bedtimes now, but I’m sure it would work to have them in one room too. Honestly, we have a dedicated “playroom” downstairs in the basement, where they play, but they also play in their rooms, in the living room and anywhere we are. So not sure kids necessarily need a playroom. If you could use the extra space for something else like an office, that may work well.
Anonymous says
We have small bedrooms and kids have no toys in their bedrooms. Kids play in the family room (toy shelves, play kitchen) and 1 basket of toys/1 basket books in the living room.
Pogo says
Pretty much the same story. Bedrooms have a lot of books and maybe a few toys, plus all the stuffies. Our family room has the 2×4 Kallax on its side w/ bins, and that’s where the toys live. Sometimes toys migrate to the living room but I corral those back pretty frequently.
AnonATL says
Do you have a second living space or maybe a formal dining room that could be commandeered into a play area? We have 2 living spaces and one is for tv and big sectional while the other has a smaller sofa and the toys. It’s a little obnoxious to have all the toys out on the main floor, but I compromised with storage ottomans and baskets. When I’m tidying up, toys go in those and the baskets go on the built in bookshelf in that room. I also like that it allows the room to be transformed back into an adult space if we ever have company over again.
DLC says
When we moved into our current house we asked my daughter if she wanted to share a room with her brother and have a separate play room or if she wanted to have her own room. (Little brother was 1.5, too young to care). She chose room sharing and playroom. That would have been my preference too. I like that there is one room for all the toys and that the bedroom is just for sleeping, dressing, and reading books. I feel like it makes the toys easier to manage and encourages the kids to play together. I also like that we can send them there to play when I need a break from their chaos . We are also pretty strict about not allowing a lot of toys to stay in the living room, so this allows a place for toys to live without having to decide whom they belong to.
Our daughter is 9 now so I know that we are soon ageing out of this set up, but i’m Hoping to squeeze one more year out of it.
Anonymous says
We have small bedrooms with tiny closets and awkward configurations that make it hard to fit in storage furniture. We turned our formal dining room into a playroom and it works well. The toy and art mess are confined to one room instead of being distributed throughout the house, and because the playroom is right off the kitchen the kids feel like they’re close enough to the action and it’s easy to supervise.
Mary Moo Cow says
We’rea few months in to room sharing and my kids (5.5 and 3.5) love it. They each have a single bed and a nightstand and a shared bookshelf. The other bedroom has older daughter’s clothes and joint toys. It’s working so well we’re going to keep the set up in our next house but try to keep all clothes together in one closet (youngest has a dresser in the shared bedroom closet now.) The biggest and unexpected benefit has been downsizing: getting rid of a bunch of toys and clothes to make it all fit, and they don’t miss the stuff.
Anonymous says
My daughter has books (on a bookshelf) and toys (in storage bins in the closet) in her bedroom. It hasn’t been a problem at bedtime. So far she’s more interested in taking a book into her bed than her toys, and we let her do that since it doesn’t seem to interfere too much with sleep. We also have a lot of toys (and toy storage) in our formal living room and our basement family room is where all the big toys like the play kitchen and basketball hoop live. I think we have too many toys.
Another potty training question says
Another potty training question! 2.5 year old was using the potty at daycare and most of his pull-ups were dry (they mark in the app), but all of a sudden the last few weeks he’s just going in his pull ups again. They take him to the potty all of the time so I don’t think that’s the issue. We’ve been having him wear underwear at home on the weekend and he’s been doing great with that and staying dry 90% of the time. Do I start sending him to daycare in underwear? I explained the issue to daycare and they’ve been discouraging me from switching him over as they think he’s not ready.
SC says
I only have one kid, so no room sharing advice. When we moved a couple of years ago, we initially had Kiddo in the bedroom with his toys. At night, he had a hard time winding down and not playing. During the day, he dragged all his stuff out to the living room. We also had to store some toys in the closed-in porch, but then they took over that room. There were toys in pretty much every room of the house.
Six months later, we rearranged everything. We moved Kiddo’s bed, dresser, and books into the room we’d been using as an office. His bedroom became a dedicated play room. The desks got moved to the (unused) formal dining room. The toys in the porch went to the play room. It is SO much better. Kiddo has an easier time winding down for bed–out of sight, out of mind. The play room looks like a bomb went off, and I don’t care. My mom convinces Kiddo to clean it up every 3 months when she visits. (She’s magic.) Toys do get dragged out to the living room, but they have a home to return to. The porch is “my” space–I’m basically the only one who bothers to go in there, and it’s always clean and relaxing. I can use it for yoga or reading or talking on the phone. And we still have a dedicated office, which was good during the beginning of the pandemic, though I’ve been back in the office since May. So, basically, dedicated play room solved so many problems in our house.