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I like my coffee and tea hot, like, burning-my-throat-as-it-goes down hot. Even at home, I often drink out of an insulated travel cup so my caffeine of choice stays hotter longer. However, I prefer using a mug. When I drink from a mug, I can smell the beverage’s aroma and use that moment to center my morning. Drinking from a travel mug seems more like an efficient transaction to deliver caffeine.
It seems like Ember created its Temperature Control Smart Mug for people like me. You get the pleasure of drinking from an actual mug, but you can set (from your phone!) the exact drinking temperature. In a time when so much seems out of our control, perhaps there is a little comfort controlling something as small as the temperature of your drink.
The 14 oz. mug is available for $129.99 and comes in black or white. There’s also a 10 oz. version for $99.95. Best Buy only carries the 14 oz., while Ember.com has both sizes. Temperature Control Smart Mug
Sales of note for 9.10.24
(See all of the latest workwear sales at Corporette!)
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
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- Boden – 15% off new styles
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- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lands’ End – 30% off full-price styles
- Loft – Extra 40% off sale styles
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- Zappos – 26,000+ women’s sale items! (check out these reader-favorite workwear brands on sale, and some of our favorite kids’ shoe brands on sale)
Kid/Family Sales
- Carter’s – Birthday sale, 40-50% off & extra 20% off select styles
- Hanna Andersson – Up to 50% off all baby; up to 40% off all Halloween
- J.Crew Crewcuts – Extra 30% off sale styles
- Old Navy – 40% off everything
- Target – BOGO 25% off select haircare, up to 25% off floor care items; up to 30% off indoor furniture up to 20% off TVs
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- The concept of “backup care” is so stupid…
- I need tips on managing employees in BigLaw who have to leave for daycare pickup…
- I’m thinking of leaning out to spend more time with my family – how can I find the perfect job for that?
- I’m now a SAHM and my husband needs to step up…
- How can I change my thinking to better recognize some of my husband’s contributions as important, like organizing the shed?
- What are your tips to having a good weekend with kids, especially with little kids? Do you have a set routine or plan?
Cb says
This is delightfully extravagant. We have a Sage tea kettle, which brews at just the right temperature, drops a basket of loose leaf in, extracts it at the right time, and maintains the tea temperature, and it is one of the highlights of my life. When it dies, I will go straight to the store and buy a new one.
Anonanonanon says
Agree. There was a time in my life, back in the before times, when I would have thought this was a ridiculous product. That time is not now. Especially as many people have to hide from their families while working at home or try to avoid common areas at work, or be in a situation where you’re likely to get called away from your coffee suddenly, it would be nice to keep your coffee hot.
Anonanonanon says
Also, that tea kettle sounds like a full-on robot.
Katala says
I’ve been casually looking into a tea kettle in hopes of increasing my tea to coffee ratio. This one sounds delightful.
Cb says
It is amazing! We start the day with black tea, switch to green at lunch, and then herbal after about 4. No overstewed tea here.
Cb says
The Best of Both Worlds podcast had a really interesting discussion of host Sarah’s family experience with Covid this week. It was scary how many negative tests they had when clearly they were ill.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I still listen to the podcast, despite my annoyance with LVK’s out of touchness, and followed Sarah’s blog on this. One somewhat reassuring thing is that it seemed like the kids didn’t get any symptoms. So I’m hopeful that once teachers and other older adults get the vaccine, there won’t be much reason for this half virtual/half in person/half madness debacle next year. I can see masks still being required, and of course immuno compromised kids are still at risk, but it seems like all signs are still pointing to this not being that bad in kids.
Anonymous says
I just read an article where several experts said that after every adult has immunity (through either vaccination or infection), which will hopefully happen in the next year or so, Covid will become a minor childhood illness that every kid gets once, like roseola or RSV. That validated my decision to resume normal life once DH and I are vaxxed and not try to prevent my kid from getting it.
Anon says
I can’t stand Laura Vanderkam. She willfully ignores the existence of middle class and working class moms.
anon says
Just outsource your problems and hire 1.5 nannies; you’ll be FINE.
My family is decently well-off for where we live, and most of her suggestions are still absolutely crazy to me. I do appreciate some of her time management suggestions, but yes — she is smug and completely out of touch.
Cb says
Right? I’m an academic, my husband is a civil servant, our HHI is £80k a year, we literally can’t afford a nanny.
Anonymous says
+1
I really liked a lot of her earlier work (168 hours) and have learned a ton from her books, but I agree that at some point she seems to have completely lost touch with the idea that people have these things called budgets. Her response to that has been “if you have a big job presumably means you have a big income to go with it,”completely ignores exactly the categories you describe — academics, civil servants, people in public interest. Many people who are a step or two below agency heads in NYC government (e.g. deputy commissioners) make between 120-190k a year, which is certainly a lot of money, but not enough for 1.5 nannies, a housekeeper, and a meal delivery service. I’m in a similar boat to you Cb, and I can now afford grocery delivery and a housekeeper every 2 weeks, but I couldn’t when I was paying for daycare.
Anon says
Yeah we’re currently paying for daycare for 2 kids and my husband’s student loans, so we really have zero room in our budget for other recurring expenses. Our health insurance gets more expensive every year and we’ve both endured lay offs in the last 5 years. I hate Laura’s presumption that successful people can always afford certain things. Life is freaking expensive even if you are careful!
Anonymous says
I’ve heard the UK strain can lead to false negatives on the current tests. I noticed in the last week my state has had a big downswing in case numbers and % positive but our hospitalizations are sky high. I know hospitalizations lag a bit, but it seems like I know more people who are sick with Covid-like symptoms than ever before and I’m not sure what would have caused a big drop in cases (no one wears masks, we definitely don’t have herd immunity and we’ve vaccinated like 1% of our population so that can’t be making a difference in spread). Makes me wonder if a significant number of tests coming back negative are actually positive.
Anonymous says
Some things in the “gifted” thread made me remember that I had wanted to ask this question.
I grew up in another country and my first language was one that is written very very phonetically — if you know your letter sounds you can pretty much read with minimal effort. I learned to read around 4, which my mom considered “late” because she was reading before 3 (thanks for pointing that out every few months mom!). In my country it was typical for kids to learn to read by 4 if not earlier, because frankly it is easy (it’s a non-latin alphabet and most Americans tell me it looks impossible which always makes me laugh because it’s so much easier than English). When I came to the US in late elementary school, I learned spoken and written English at the same time, so the struggles were very different.
Fast forward to now. My kid is 5 and in kindergarten. She seems to know her letters and letter sounds, and they are doing some phonics stuff in school (letter blends?) and memorizing sight words. We do everything the teacher assigns — which is basically reviewing sight word flashcards every day. We also read chapter books every night because my kid was never interested in picture books or board books, except 2 about cats that we (still) read on repeat (she’s obsessed with cats but in the bottom .05% of cat-noise-making for her age, despite hourly practice, so she should probably get lessons from yesterday’s poster’s kid before I go insane). All those “first reader” type books I bought her are in a pile somewhere and she declared them boring (she’s totally right to be fair). She shows no signs of being close to actually reading, or being interested in reading herself. All her teachers since pre-school have said she’s very smart, and I’m not concerned about any delays or anything, I’m just having a hard time fathoming that she’s not interested in even trying. I haven’t been pushing her at all, except sometimes point out sight words in what we are reading (she usually yells at me to stop (“mooooooommmmm”) and just read the story and I do). I’m afraid to push harder because she’s stubborn like me I don’t want to create the opposite. But she’s soooo into the plots of her stories that I think once she can actually read, I will have so much more quiet time to read myself…
So… When do kids in the US/in English typically learn to read? Is there anything else I should be doing or should I just get a grip and let this be? Any particular books that your kids were motivated by?
Anon says
Kids usually learn to read in Kindergarten, or just before if taught by a parent.
If you want to teach your daughter to read, I suggest the book How to Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. It introduces phonics methodically in about 15-20 minutes per day. You can couple this with Bob bools for extra practice.
Anon says
i would say that now kids usually learn to read in Kindergarten, but when I was a kid, and I am mid-30s it was in 1st grade. i have a vivid memory of being switched from the purple reading group to one that read small chapter books, which in theory was a step up, but my favorite color was purple and so i wanted to stay in the group with the purple book
Anonymous says
It definitely seems more common to teach reading in K now than in the 1990s, but there are plenty of schools that still do it in first grade. Anecdotally, it seems more common to do it earlier in the coastal cities and later in the Midwest and South.
Spirograph says
I disagree that kids “usually” learn to read in Kindergarten. That is certainly not the expectation in our school district, and it wasn’t when I was a kid either. First grade was (and still is, from what I’ve seen) the learn-to-read grade. All my kids learned letters and letter sounds in preschool. In public school, my son did 40 sight words in K, and started doing more phonics in 1st grade. He really struggled with reading until a few months ago, and still doesn’t enjoy it or read as fluently as I did at his age, but he also is diagnosed with ADHD and learning things he’s not interested in is hard for him.
My current K daughter is in a Montessori school, and apparently they don’t do sight words. Further, they believe kids should learn to encode before they decode, so they spend a lot of time spelling things phonetically. My daughter can read phonetic words and with some word blends, but it’s still a very slow process.
All that to say, I think there’s a pretty wide range of normal. I was a spontaneous early reader, my siblings learned in 1st grade and my brother wasn’t a good reader until probably 3rd (similar to my son). I remember my parents being concerned about it, but he turned out fine.
anon says
Our elementary school really expects kids to come into K reading at least at a Bob books level, i.e., sounding out CVC words. For better or worse, that’s where they start. The first day of K, they sat my 4 yo down and give her 45 minutes to write a “personal narrative,” telling her to stretch out her letters to make words. (She turned 5 a couple of weeks later, ahead of the cutoff.) In K, they spent an hour a day in “reading workshop” where they were expected to read independently unless called into a small group. I have no idea what kids who aren’t reading yet would do for that time.
My other clear recollection is that the school told parents all of K not to worry if their kid wasn’t really reading. The teachers kept saying it would click and the kid would be reading at the desired level by the end of the year. Then, on the last day of school, teachers sent out notices to the parents of any kid who wasn’t meeting the standard asking parents to sign a waiver or the school was going to hold the kid back. No prior conversation or warning. Massive panic ensued and I was on many text threads as parents frantically searched for tutors for their rising 1st graders. The first grade teachers last year absolutely expected kids to be reading independently at the beginning of the year. They spent 1st grade working on “reading to learn.”
Anonymous says
Our mediocre public school district also expected first graders to be “reading to learn” and writing independently in complete sentences with organized paragraphs.
Anon4this says
This is our public school too; reading at the start of K. It explains a lot of the redshirting I think. I have a kid with a May birthday in a district with a September 1 cutoff and if kid is not reading by the end of Pre-K I’ll probably red shirt. It seems like this has got to change. Reading isn’t developmentally appropriate for the majority of 5 year olds.
Anonymous says
Do the expectations drive the redshirting, or does the redshirting drive the expectations? I could see it going both ways.
Anon4this says
I think the change in the curriculum drove the redshirting. It wasn’t as prevalent before the curriculum change about 5 years ago. But this is also really hard to analyze. Its now quite common to redshirt girls as well as boys, whereas before it was mainly boys with concerns about maturity/ wiggles. I’m assuming girls didn’t get less mature and more wiggly in the past 5 years but perhaps I’m wrong.
GCA says
Huh, those seem like very very high expectations (also, not evidence-based) for K! I have a kindergartner in a solidly middle-class but well-rated school district (MA); no one expected him to come in reading at all.
Anon says
For motivating books, try the Elephant and Piggie series. They are awesome.
OP says
We have the entire series! She likes them but not as much as most other kids do… Same for the pigeon books… Thanks though!
Anonymous says
Rabbit and Bear by Julian Gough is a hit in my house. It’s the size of a chapter book, but larger print and with pictures. Cute stories, and some good vocab.
Cb says
My mom keeps noting that I was reading by my son’s age and I keep ignoring her – he’s 3.5, he knows all his numbers and most of his letters, but really has no interest in things that look like traditional learning. But I remember the other kids learning to read in kindergarten, that’s what school is for? And frankly, I was really bored through the first few years of school because I was such an advanced reader.
Anonymous says
I know some people here have had a different experience, but most kids learn to read in first grade in our school district , which is top-ranked and made up predominantly of college professors’ kids. Pre-Covid I volunteered in a local first grade classroom and virtually none of the kids were reading fluently at the beginning of the year. I have a very high IQ and didn’t read until first grade myself. I wouldn’t worry at all at this point. It will click when it clicks. You’re right not to push it and create a hatred of reading.
Anonymous says
+1 to all of this. Anecdotally, I learned to read in first grade and consider myself highly successful. My mom told me a few years ago that she stressed a bit when I was a kid because so many of the moms were bragging about their four year olds that could read and I was almost seven when I learned. If you get a few drinks in her, you can get her to admit that “all those kids suck, and you guys are awesome” (she says this jokingly – point being that as an adult, no one cares when you learned how to read, but my sister and I are “more successful” than any of the kids who were reading at four if it makes a difference). Also, once I learned to read, I was reading chapter books within a few months. I wouldn’t press this.
Lyssa says
My general observations/experiences are that kids learn to recognize words and grasp the mechanics of reading in K, but actual reading (in the sense of being able to take a page with sentences and really get what it says) clicks sometime in mid-first-grade. Obviously, it can vary, but your kid sounds right on track.
As for motivational books, my 2nd grader recently discovered the Dogman series. They’re terrible! But we can barely pull him away from them, and he and the 5-year-old will sit and read them together for ages.
blueridge29 says
+1 for books your kid wants to read. Many early readers are just dull with boring pictures.
Dogman was/is a huge hit in my house. There are some other really cute graphic novels. We like the Hilo series, CatStronauts, and Jedi Academy. My personal favorite kid graphic novel/comic book is Peter and Ernesto a Tale of Two Sloths. It is a really cute story set is South America with lots of fun jungle animals.
Anonymous says
As I always do on these threads, I will plug Hooked on Phonics Learn to Read (the kit in a box). Each lesson includes a short video of sounds and words, then a story or book for the child to read based on those sounds and words. It takes a few minutes per lesson and works like magic. The fact that the child can actually read every story is very motivating, and it really helps them make the transition from recognizing sounds and sight words to fluent reading. I would look at the content to choose the most appropriate level, as she’s probably already beyond the early levels.
For more interesting early readers with real stories, check out Frog and Toad and the Fancy Nancy I Can Read series.
I would not rely on school or the school’s methods to teach reading. Your daughter is right–flash cards and early readers with no plot are boring! Keep on reading chapter books aloud, following the words with your finger and discussing the plot with her. Why did the character do that? What would you have done? What do you think will happen next?
Anon says
You could check in with her teacher if you’re worried, but it totally sounds like your daughter is meeting her teacher’s expectations at this point. Reading is taught in first grade in our schools. As Lyssa said, it seems to click for many kids mid-year but I don’t think it would be a problem unless your child isn’t reading by the end of first (and even then maybe not – in my elementary school, second grade was just a do-over of first for the kids who didn’t get first grade on the first try).
I disagree that you can’t rely on the school to teach reading. The only people I know who taught it at home had kids who read abnormally early or late (so they were way off the typical first grade timeline) or they were ‘tiger parent’ types who really wanted to get their kids reading ASAP.
AwayEmily says
It varies a ton, I think, and your kid sounds well within the range of normal. My almost-5yo sounds really similar to yours. Loves being read to, knows her letters, knows some letter sounds, but just doesn’t really seem into connecting those dots. A few months ago I tried the “teach your child to read in 100 easy lessons” book and after two weeks realized that I didn’t enjoy it, she didn’t enjoy it, and so why on earth was I doing this? So, we stopped and are back to our hands-off approach. Like your daughter, she’ll get there, and whether it is when she is 5 or 6 is not that big of a deal. And when she does get there, I will be right there to make sure she access to books she loves and opportunities to read those books. I think THAT is what matters in instilling a love of reading — not *when* you learn to read, but how much your environment/parents support making reading fun once it happens. I am a big fan of not pushing things. I think kids can sense it, and I don’t want my kid to think she’s anything less than perfect no matter when she learns to read.
Anonymous says
Technically I think my son learned to read in Kindergarten, but it didn’t seem like reading to me. Your daughter may already meet the definition from a pedagogical standpoint. The first books they read are really, really simple – much simpler than the first reader books at the library. For us, it wasn’t this great “a ha” moment, just very gradual progress that slowly got into more complex books. My son is now 8, reads above his grade level, and would still rather be read to then read independently – he’s social and impatient. He also still likes graphic novels best. In Kindergarten I think the Fly Guy series was his favorite, but he got into Dogman soon after.
I think you have nothing to worry about academically, but for more alone time, try audio books – our library has tons for kids. YouTube also has a lot of great read aloud videos, although they are more picture books. FYI, a teacher friend told me that being read to is very good for building reading skills – it uses the same parts of your brain as independent reading or something.
Anon says
I posted something very similar in the spring (although that kid is now Kinder). She was the exact same, down to the “mooooom.”
She’s gotten much more willing to read easy readers this year, mainly because of work at school. She can also totally read to herself – but will still have me read to her from a chapter book every night and rarely does so.
So I guess two things. Sounds like she values this time with you, so if you’re motivated by gaining time to yourself, I wouldn’t expect that to happen. And second, the best books for motivating her were a series of books I got where the grown-up reads one page and kid reads the opposite. I don’t know why but those just clicked, regardless of content. I’ll post a link! Worth a try for you!
PP says
Books from this series: https://www.amazon.com/Level-Titles-Sindy-others-2009-08-02/dp/B01K3K8W9M
We also did BOB, early disney readers, all the Mo Willems, etc. but for some reason having us both read together clicked more for her. Then I sometimes made her read paragraphs out of easy chapter books we were reading together (Princess in Black, Boxcar Children, Magic Treehouse), which worked well because she was used to alternating with me. This is more for the point where she CAN read but is just reluctant though.
Anonymous says
The BOB books are just awful. I don’t blame any kid who doesn’t want to learn to read after being forced to trudge through those.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My oldest is just a bit younger – turning 5 in April, and I don’t expect him to read until kindergarten or 1st grade. I think by mid 1st grade makes sense and I’m going to restrain myself from pushing him until then because I want him to enjoy reading and not think of it as a chore. My plan is also to let school do the bulk of the work of actually teaching reading skills and we’ll keep reading to him at night.
P.S. I love this metric for “giftedness” – % of cat-noise-making for her age – I think cat noises were one of the first sounds my now 2 year old mastered well ;) (FWIW, I too think of my kids as generally average, maybe smart, but mostly because we have college and advanced degrees and we put value on education).
Anon says
She sounds right on track. I think many kids are able to start reading chapter books on their own by second grade.
If she’s interested in playing computer games, that can be another avenue to encourage reading – maybe she is more interested in playing those by herself? But it seems like you are already doing plenty.
Anonymous says
Yes! My son will not sit down with a book, but loves video games. DH started making him read all the stories and NPC interactions out loud to him and it helped his reading tremendously.
Anonanonanon says
I can’t remember the exact timeline now, but my oldest (now in 5th grade) went from a kid I was very worried hated reading (and secretly disappointed did not enjoy reading) to the type of kid that would sneak and read a book instead of listening during class, stays up late to read books, etc. It was a pain to get him to care enough to learn.
Anonanonanon says
Also, at one point my mother mailed me one of those Dick and Jane books to use with my son. I tried it out of desperation and it actually really helped a lot. Guess they were a classic for a reason.
Anonymous says
My kids are 3.5/3.5 and 7 (first grade). My oldest was learning reading basics (letter sounds) in PK and started reading in K. Once it clicked for her she caught on fast.
In my state, it is expected that kids are reading at a “D” level or better by the end of Kindergarten or they are flagged for summer reading support. My kid was one of the better readers in her class (but not the best) and was at a J level at the end of K. She’s now M/N halfway through 1st but again, she’s a strong reader relative to her peers.
My 4.5 y/o is starting to read. We aren’t teaching anything; she’s just applying what she is learning in PK (sounds) and she has more content available to her because of my older kiddo. She uses her early readers and even her reading apps.
octagon says
How do you tell your kid’s reading level? I see lots of online charts that list the levels but nothing that talks about how to determine your kid’s level.
Kiddo was a relatively early reader; reading just after he turned 4 and now at 5 is reading chapter books that the librarian said are 3rd-4th grade. I credit our liberal use of pandemic screen time, almost exclusively PBS shows like WordWorld and Sesame Street.
Anonymous says
Once they are in elem around here they get books sent home to read that are labeled/leveled. They also do work in a reading app that has their level on it.
You can google a book your kid can read comfortably and see what level it is. There are a couple of scales; the A-ZZ one is Fountas & Pinnell (sp??)
Here’s some general info with some sample books at the K level:
https://cms.instructure.com/courses/130361/pages/Reading%20Level%20D
FWIW my now 1st grader is one of the best readers in her class at level M/N. She could not read when she started K. Our neighborhood friend is also a 1st grader and reading Harry Potter. I thought DD was behind until her teachers set me straight. Our neighbor friend is the youngest of 3 and his mom is a literacy coach, which explains why he’s reading at a 4th grade level ;).
Anonymous says
I was just like her! I didn’t really get reading until the very tail end of kindergarten. But she is interested in reading. She loves books and stories! I think some kids just take longer. The reading will come and when it does she’ll take to it like a fish out of water because you’ve taught her books are wonderful magical enjoyable things.
Anonymous says
Reading at the end of K is not late omg
Anonymous says
Not an answer to your question, OP, but I’d be fascinated to learn more about your first language! Is it Korean?
Pogo says
I was going to guess Korean!
For Latin alphabets, I know the phonics rules of both French and Spanish to be able to read them out loud (with presumably a terrible accent) but I only understand like 50%. English has so many exceptions and such a kooky structure that it’s no surprise to me kids learn to read it later. I started learning by memorizing which I think they now call “sight words”. My son is 3 and just starting to do this. I could actually read in 1st grade and that is what I expect of my kiddo as well.
OP says
No, but I learned to “read” Korean on the plane ride over there and it made for a much more fun trip when I could sound out a lot of the signs!
My first language is Russian :)
Anonymous says
Russian was my guess!! I studied the language for like 5 minutes, but I remember it being very phonetic and easy to sound out words.
Anonymous says
I learned to “read” Russian on my plane to Moscow, and same!
I took a training course in teaching English as a foreign language back in my early 20s and I remember an impossible paragraph they showed us that included every pair of words that looks like it should rhyme and doesn’t (though, rough, etc) and it really drove home what an unnecessarily difficult language English is.
AwayEmily says
I have to say, I am VERY skeptical of our parents’ accounts of when we all learned to read. My mother also claims I learned to read well before age 4. BUT she also claims that I always slept through the night, was a breeze to potty train, and she doesn’t remember me ever refusing to try any food. Something about this doesn’t QUIIIIITE check out….
Also, to those of you whose kids are not yet making realistic cat noises, don’t worry. It will come. Try downloading hundreds of YouTube videos of housecats mewing, and have them watch during car rides. You might also try pointing out cats you see on walks and asking them “what does THAT cat say?” And be sure to turn on the closed cat-tioning when you watch TV.
Totally says
I know, given the percentage of kids who apparently learned to read at 4 according to our parents, when I look around at my daughter’s kindergarten class I don’t know that I believe it! I think a lot of grandparents are embellishing by a year, and that year can actually make a huge difference at this age!
Anon says
I know I was reading at 4 because I remember my parents quizzing me to see if I was reading or actually had memorized books and how astonished they were – one day (I was reading an atlas) everything just clicked for me and I have a vivid memory of that. In my kindergarten class I remember I had to read aloud to the class every day (the beginner’s bible, private school) because I was the only kid that could read, and I remember hating it because it wasn’t fair. I also recall being mad about having to nap on carpet squares when I should have been home watching care bears (hah).
Anon says
I know because I remember! But I was and am hyperlexic… other things also came later for me (learning to ride a bicycle, math, etc.).
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think there is a camp of parents who remember through rose colored glasses that their kids were always angels and others, like my mom, who will tell me that I was a terrible sleeper and only potty trained because I had to for daycare. We’ll see where my “memory” lands!
“closed cat-tioning” :) Thanks for providing the laughs, AE.
Anonymous says
Anecdata: like you daughter, I was completely uninterested in learning to read and stated I refused to do so until first grade (when the Berenstein Bears learned; also, my parents read me way more interesting stuff at home). I applied myself only half heartedly and nevertheless learned just fine in first grade and was off to the races reading chapter books in second. There seems to be wide variability in when kids learn to read in English and I can tell you my son’s kindergarten curriculum for reading is very very basic. In his class they have kids who really can’t read at all and kids reading at a third to fourth grade level.
Katy says
She sounds a lot like my nephew. He just wasn’t that interested in reading by himself, although he did like being read to. (Agree – early readers are awful). My sister was pretty worried about it (also his grade 1 teacher was pretty much incompetent), but finally in late grade 2 he could do it. He is in grade 4 now and reading Harry Potter by himself. I think he is the kind of kid that has a hard time “struggling” with something. (NOTE: that the same age he could follow literally 400 step lego castle instructions 100% independently…. )
FWIW – my MIL who was a grade 2 teacher for 40 years told my sister at the time that she was never worried about kids who couldn’t read at the beginning of the year, as long as they were participating in class, knew letters, understood number sequencing, that kind of thing.
Another nephew taught himself to read in kindergarten, but in grade 2 (a year ago when i last saw him!), he still wrote a sentence with all the letters side by side so that it looked like one long word.
K. says
English teacher here! And I have read several books on the process of learning to read. FWIW, there are studies to show that kids who grow up in countries with very phonetic languages do learn to reach earlier and faster than kids who don’t. However, reading levels tend to even out for all kids around the ages of 9-10, so long-term, this doesn’t seem to make a difference. These are averages though and I suspect, though I don’t know this for sure, that children with learning disabilities may be at a more long-term disadvantage in countries where the language is less phonetic.
anon says
1st grade at my school. They do all the testing/milestones in K, but it’s really grade 1 that it takes off. DS2 (who has a late birthday) was behind on all of the reading milestones (I was very sad and stressed when he was an “A” when he was supposed to be a “D”). By the beginning of grade 2, he was one of the strongest readers in his class and was reading at a late third grade level. So, I think it will kick in when it does, and it may just take some time.
SC says
My 5 year old is exactly where your daughter is. He learned his letter sounds when he was about 3, but the dots didn’t connect to reading. This year, he is in in-person kindergarten. The teachers tell us he is learning sight words and is reading word-group books. At home, he rejects all attempts at academic instruction, including reviewing sight word flash cards that the teachers send home. He only wants to be read to, and yells at me to stop if I try to point out a word he knows or get him to sound out a word. The books he chooses for me to read to him are way beyond a kindergarten reading level, and he’s usually not interested in readers or regular picture books.
My approach has been, mostly, to let it be. I’ll bring it up occasionally to see if he’s any more receptive. He does tend to be more receptive on weekends, and when I can incorporate reading into an activity we’re doing. That would be easier if we were taking him to the grocery store or to places that are fun for kids, but there are some opportunities at trail heads or with road signs or in recipes. And that makes sense–he works hard at school, according to his teachers, and when he gets home he wants to chill and not do things that are still hard for him. I can identify with that.
Reading says
My kids were introduced to reading in K with fundations which is light phonics with sight words. They struggled through easy readers but never felt confident (plus, switching to virtual school in March didn’t help!)
I am now homeschooling first grade using a phonics based program (All About Reading) and it really clicked in. All kids learn differently, but phonics worked for our family. It may be confusing to dual teach if child is already in school, so no advice on that front. Bigger point is I wouldn’t stress if they aren’t reading fluently in kinder. Age 7 is often cited in the Homeschooling world.
Once reading clicked, graphic novels helped bridge the gap from easy readers to longer books. Scholastic branches is good for this – particularly Owl Diaries. National Geographic level 2 and other non fiction series are also a hit. I read a ton aloud as well and focus on middle grade books. I save the early chapter books for when they read independently (mostly because they are deadly dull).
Anonymous says
Age is a big factor that is somewhat independent of grade level. Sounds like your daughter is on the younger side if she’s still 5 in the spring of K, and what she probably needs most is just time. I believe part of why reading has become more expected in K is that so many people are red-shirting kids so many kids are already 6 when starting K. I have heard from elementary teachers that 6 tends to be the magic reading age for many kids.
Anonymous says
Some context here from a former ed policy person… I would not stress too much about kids mastering the mechanics of reading. Overall, schools do a pretty good job on this, and most kids get to mastery, whether in K or 1st. Where you’ll see a huge drop-off in reading scores is around 3rd grade, when standardized tests start to evaluate reading comprehension. Lots of kids struggle at this stage, IMO (and there is research to back me up) because schools spend so much time drilling phonics and not enough time incorporating more content-dense nonfiction or imaginative books that teach kids something about the world. They reach a point where they can sound out anything, but have no idea how to get at the meaning behind the words. My general advice to parents is to make sure you’re not focused on the mechanics at the expense of the bigger picture. Comprehension is the ultimate goal, after all.
Anon says
I’m really hoping we’ll get past the “teach skills, not content” trend soon. I have seen its ramifications in higher ed as well, and what it does is give a huge advantage to anyone who learned a lot about the world outside of school.
Anon says
I remember the day in the spring before my youngest left pre-k to go to kindergarten (fall birthday, old for his grade) and said “Mama – a world of wine awaits you!” Uh, what? He was reading one of those wine club mailers that was in our mailbox. Not exactly the content I would have chosen to learn that he could totally read unassisted!
1
Anonymous says
Haha! My aunt and uncle learned my cousin could read when she read a billboard while they were driving.
Anon says
Vent:
Our public elementary schools were closed from March- June last spring with no instruction and no attempt to go virtual. Then they opened a couple of weeks late this fall for distance learning with instructions to the teachers to focus on social emotional health and not to introduce new subject matter for the first 6 weeks. Even now classes are very remedial with mostly review material from prior grades.
Our elementary school principal held a Q&A last night for parents. The principal admitted she had no idea UNTIL THIS WEEK that once teachers are vaccinated that schools wouldn’t be able to reopen as normal. She said she thought they’d be able to start catching kids up this spring, after teacher vaccinations, once classes were “normal” again. My head was about to explode.
Then to top it off, we have a significant ESL and low income population who are really struggling. One of the spanish speaking moms asked through a translator whether they were going to hold back kids who are behind and that she was really worried about her kids and their lack of access to instruction. The principal laughed and said all kids are behind this year. Don’t worry, because she’s not worried.
The next questions were all about reopening. She has no plan. None. She’s planning in a few weeks to shadow her relative’s classroom, who teaches in another state, to see if concurrent instruction might be an option. Now that she understands that schools can’t open normally, she needs to think about reopening plans.
I can’t even.
Anonymous says
That’s infuriating. I’m so sorry. There isn’t going to be a vaccine for kids <12 by next fall either so she really needs to adapt to the new normal.
Anonymous says
This is a failure of leadership at the district level. The principal should not be writing her own reopening plan from scratch.
Anon says
The District provides broad strokes but allows individual principals discretion for how to staff their schools.
Anonymous says
If decisions as big as whether to offer concurrent instruction are being left up to the principal, it’s a failure of leadership.
anon says
Our school has odd numbers of teachers assigned to teach even groups of students (e.g., 3 teachers for a grade split between 35 hybrid and 35 distance learners). It’s the same with specials teachers. One gym teacher or one music teacher need to cover an equal group of both hybrid and distance learners.
The principal is trying to solve this staffing issue on her own. The district’s solution would be to move teachers and/or students between schools. Our principal doesn’t want to reassign students or lose any of her teachers. If she proposes a working plan and the school community doesn’t riot, she’ll get to follow through with her plan. If she gives up and asks for staffing help, then teachers or students will be reassigned. She doesn’t yet have a plan, hence the no plan for whether we’re getting assigned to a new school community, getting a new teacher, having concurrent learning, having non-concurrent learning, spending part of the day supervised by an assistant so the teacher can cover two hybrid classes, etc.
Anonymous says
This is insane and she sounds monumentally dumb. Where do you live?
Realist says
This is incredibly frustrating, but also how much of this is not having clear guidelines and protocols and plans from district, states and feds? Are other public schools in your state doing it better? I just don’t think elementary school principals are educated, trained, or qualified on how to develop plans to re-open schools in a pandemic when they have no control over vaccination schedules, don’t have special access or knowledge on how to use public health data, may have been given little to no extra resources to do what has become an entirely different job than what they were trained or hired for, etc. Most likely a failure of leadership above her.
Anon says
Yikes, is this something the school board could address? She sounds horrible.
anon says
The school board is busy renaming schools with racist names and debating whether SRO’s are inequitable. They have no bandwidth to weigh in on reopening.
Anonymous says
Isn’t this really the call of the superintendent and not the principal?
You are totally right to be frustrated but at least in my town this is not the principal’s call. At all.
Anonymous says
I’m so sorry. Like others have said, this is all handled at the district level where I live, although I’ve heard that they’ll give principals some discretion.
It’s going to be so hard to be an effective public school teacher next year. Our elementary school has a large ESL population and I have to imagine there’s a huge divide between how much they’ve learned this year and how much the kids of English-fluent parents have learned. I kind of expect the entire first semester to be a “review” of things kids were supposed to have learned this year, and that’s going to be incredibly frustrating for the kids who didn’t have as much learning loss. Or they’ll try to plow ahead and it will be demoralizing for kids who don’t have the right foundation to build on. There’s no good solution that doesn’t have major equity issues, and the pandemic is going to have a very long education shadow.
Anon says
I’m so, so sorry. Everything is completely unacceptable. Your district and principal are grossly negligent. There are many school districts that have safely reopened schools. (Including my district). She should have been actively researching their plans and results this entire time.
anon says
Agree, this is insane. Although the principal seems not very bright, there has been a big failure at the district level in this case.
AnonATL says
Serious question: is anyone coping with stress in a “healthy” way and if so, what works best for you.
The past two weeks have been especially brutal in our household. Husband was exposed so we have to quarantine. Work is bonkers. The world is a damn mess. I’m just holding onto all this and am a huge ball of stress.
Luckily we both got negative test results back this morning so we are at least pretty sure we don’t have covid but are finishing out our quarantine regardless.
My usual running or hot bath just isn’t even making a dent in my stress level.
Anonymous says
Uh, I was going to say running or baths so I got nothing. I did start a new policy of no news before breakfast or after dinner.
Anonymous says
Exercise. The harder the workout, the better, or a good flow yoga class (bajillions of these on youtube). Either of these pull my focus from how much everything sucks because I have to focus on my body and my breathing, and then I get the endorphin boost at the end.
Anonymous says
At that point, I typically just give up for a day or a half day, and it helps. Even when work is bonkers. Focus on me and giving my best to my family and my not best to work. Eat all the crappy but delicious food. Snuggle on the couch watching a movie and scrolling my phone. Eat a ridiculous treat plus alcohol in bed as soon as the kiddo goes to sleep, and then go to sleep myself. Usually what happens is I see that life went on just fine without giving my all to work. That alone is stress relieving. But add in actual relaxing quality time with family, and it really helps provide a reset.
Oops, just saw you said healthy. I’m going for mental health on this one and not physical health. Especially since it is just one day and you appear to exercise regularly on other days with running.
Anonymous says
Such a relevant question! I live near the Capitol and am immensely stressed about staying or going next week, as well as what it will be like to live here long term. My child was just home from daycare because of a covid exposure in her class. Based on the tooth I broke this summer, I am sure that there are going to be long-term physical consequences of my stress level right now.
I have started a hard cut off of news by 7PM- no twitter, no nothing after that. At that point I watch a comedy (highly recommend What we Do in the Shadows on hulu) or read something fluffy (the Bridgerton novels because that is the next show I am going to watch). I’m trying to keep to my regular work out schedule. I like taking long hot showers. I have “stress release tea” lol. And I’m giving myself a pass on the amount of alcohol I’m drinking (don’t worry it’s not an unsafe amount it’s just more than I did pre-pandemic). I would say with all of that I am barely coping. Sometimes during my long showers I think about how I cannot believe this is my life right now and the kinds of things I am worrying about.
AnonATL says
Seriously my night time mouth guard is getting so much use right now. I used to only wear it occasionally, but it’s every night now for the past month.
Taking hikes used to help. Maybe the weather will cooperate this weekend, and I can get some time in the woods.
Good luck to you next week! I really hope with the huge national guard presence that everything goes ok.
Pogo says
Yeah running is my #1 as well. You could also try virtual yoga?
I also joined a book club and so I read or listen on audiobook instead of doomscrolling. Having the accountability of having to talk to other humans on zoom about the book semi-intelligently forces me to do it.
Anonymous says
Yes! Or just finding some really good, engaging books to read. When I’m reading a really good book, I spend much less time on my phone.
If you like whodunnits, the series that most recently made me ignore all other responsibilities are Cormoran Strike and Veronica Speedwell
octagon says
Honestly I feel like at this point in the pandemic, anything is worth a try, even things you dismissed last March. Your brain is ready for new ways to unwind. Even just saying, I am going to try this new thing for 30 minutes and see what happens – give yourself permission to step out of your norms. Maybe pick up an adult coloring book and colored pencils, and listen to an audiobook or a podcast while you do it. I picked up some cheap clay for my kid at Michael’s and we’ve been making beads and little trinket bowls and baking them in the oven. They’re nothing fancy, but he likes to play with them and it feels surprisingly good to create something with my hands. Maybe you want to get into yoga. Or infuse some booze with herbs or fruits. Or read up on gardening and start some seedlings.
Whatever it is, you won’t find it doomscrolling. :)
Anonymous says
I’m the one whose husband has been mobilized with the guard in DC. I take daily walks in our hilly neighborhood with the kids and the double stroller. We spend a ton of time outside, even when it’s cold. This is the only thing that relives my stress. Nature calms all of us. I listen to podcasts Forever 35 to feel less alone at night while folding laundry. Occasionally drink 1 glass of wine (I don’t consider this unhealthy since I drink 1 glass a week or less and don’t abuse alcohol).
Anon. says
Going out for a walk, no matter the temperature.
Also, I have started making a list if I am very stressed, categorizing things into “Things I can control” and “Things I cannot control”. Accepting that both cause stress, but that I cannot change the latter helps me with letting go of some of the emotions and thinking spirals.
Realist says
For those who have tried meditation but it doesn’t seem to work for you, NeuroPraxis has a different approach. Instead of trying to get you to clear your mind and disassociating, it more encourages you to get in to yourself and your feelings. The creator was struck by lightning as a teen and had all sorts of neuro problems and did a bunch of research and cured herself, which sounds kooky but I heard her on a podcast and thought her story was really compelling. They have a short free guided meditation (“Release”) on their website that I have found helpful. I haven’t even paid for a subscription because I like that one so much.
SC says
I’m handling stress by turning off news after a certain point, reading escapist books when my brain can handle it (Agatha Christie last weekend), playing escapist video games when my brain won’t cooperate with reading (last night, Stardew Valley), ordering healthy lunches from a local meal delivery service, and having one drink (but just one) each night. This weekend, DH and I did the absolute bare minimum amount of work we needed to do to avoid a stressful week–laundry, meal planning, grocery shopping, kept up with dishes–but did nothing extra around the house. This weekend, we’ll probably paint our bathroom. I find painting has its own meditative quality, plus our bathroom is ugly.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I try to walk on the treadmill everyday, and go outside for a walk each weekend day. I also prioritize sleep above a lot of things, and I feel that getting enough rest makes the stress feel a little more bearable. I read when I can, but I’m also giving myself permission to not set any sort of reading goals or create too many to-do lists, and to just survive the next few months.
EB0220 says
Not sure if this will work for you but I find trail running and mountain biking extremely stress-reducing. Unlike running on the road (where my mind can wander), I really have to focus on the trail.
Anon says
Wanted to mentioned a new podcast I’m enjoying – in loco parent(i)s hosted by a law professor and employment lawyer couple with interviews of other big lawyers talking about parenting. A warning that their political views come up but it’s so refreshing to hear how they’re just figuring it out as they go with their kids. I don’t find it preachy at all (like best of both worlds, which has become insufferable to me), just a dispatch from other parents in the thick of it.
Anon says
Ahh I haven’t listened to the podcast because I’m not a podcast person at all, but I follow Karen on twitter and she has hilarious working mom commentary. One of my favorite twitter follows. I’m sure the podcast is great.
Anonymous says
Prof. Vladeck was my Con Law professor back in the day! He’s great. I have been meaning to check out their podcast, thanks for the recommendation!
Realist says
What are their political views? Now that we’ve basically divided ourselves into Democrats, Reluctant Never Trump Democrats, and outright White Supremacists, political views have become synonymous with family values. I don’t give my time or energy to people that belong to the hate party no matter how many other redeeming qualities they might have.
Anonymous says
They’re liberal and hate Trump. The husband, Steve Vladeck, is a con law professor who has been a pretty prominent CNN commentator during the Trump era.
Realist says
Thanks! Going to check this out.
Anon says
Characterizing everyone who’s not a Democrat as a white supremacist, or calling Republicans the hate party, is perhaps contributing to problems with the country right now. Both sides are extremely complicit in this identity/hate politics that drives division. But, you seem rather cozy in this attitude so I’ll stop here.
Realist says
My family chose our side and we live our values. Only 7 GOP reps voted against impeachment. Seven. After the horrific pandemic year we just had topped off with a failed coup. You are correct that I am cozy af with my politics right now. If you don’t see the GOP as a party of hate at the moment, please tell me where the neo-Nazis have found their new political home? When one side lost, they knitted pink hats and peacefully walked the Capitol streets. The other side showed up to the Capitol with guns, chemical weapons, and wearing 6MWE and Camp Auschwitz shirts. It is ridiculous to try to “both sides” the partisan divide right now. In Germany, you were either resistance or complicit. USA has reached that same point.
Anonymous says
“When one side lost, they knitted pink hats and peacefully walked the Capitol streets. The other side showed up to the Capitol with guns, chemical weapons, and wearing 6MWE and Camp Auschwitz shirts.”
Really well put.
Anonymous says
Yeah, you’re right there is a problem in this country. It’s when people think that they chose a football team who they want to win instead of leaders to govern. And they’re cool with NAZIS. NAZIS!
I get that some people are empathetically challenged and also greedy about not wanting the government to take their taxes. But they can start a “lower my taxes, gimme, gimme” party instead of hanging out with NAZIS. NAZIS!
Anonymous says
Totally agree that best of both worlds is insufferable!
FVNC says
Thanks for the recommendation! I’ve been looking for new podcasts, as I’m just not enjoying some of my “usuals” anymore.
Anonymous says
At what age did you ditch bathtub toys? My youngest is 2.5 and I’m tired of the fighting, the mold, and the picking up of them. I don’t want to short change her by throwing them all out since her older siblings obviously got to play with them for much longer.
Anon says
I never figured out how to keep bath toys more than a week without them getting disgustingly moldy so we bought bath toys with no holes when my daughter was an infant. Solves the mold problem at least, but not the other stuff.
Anon says
yea i dont have the mold problem bc i specifically sought out toys that don’t trap moisture. what is the fighting issue? who is she fighting with and about what? in terms of the picking up, we have a small basket, i think it is by oxo that holds bath toys and i only have what fits in there. this is plenty for my 2.5 year old twins. i try to have them pickup the toys before they get out of the bath so i dont have to pick them up.
Anon says
+1 we just switched type of bath toys. Foam numbers and animals and this rain Pluie thing she just got for christmas which seems pretty good. Also cups for pouring.
Anon says
+1 No moldy toys here. Foam letters, open cups, penguins on a slide, solid fish “rings” with a net.
Anonanonanon says
Mine is a couple months older than yours and we gradually started hiding anything with holes etc. Now she really just has cups and a truck that was designed to be a beach toy. She puts them in a plastic bin herself as part of wrapping up bath time.
One distraction we have used is glow sticks. She loves taking a “glow bath” lately and we can just throw them away at the end of the bath. (I know, not the best for the environment, but we’re all just trying to make it through here)
Pogo says
There is a toy called “Glo Pals” that work by a different mechanism so they aren’t bad for the environment (I think). LO loves them.
Boston Legal Eagle says
Ugh, this is one of the most annoying things for me about bath toys – why is something that they know will be in water get so moldy? It’s so gross. I get that kids want to squirt, but I’m too tired to constantly check these toys for mold and replace them all the time. We have mostly foam letters and open buckets as well now, along with random plastic cars that can take water.
AwayEmily says
Yes! I have had much better luck appropriating regular toys to be bath toys than using actual bath toys, which often seem to be engineered to maximize mold.
Spirograph says
My oldest is almost 8 and we still have bath tub toys. Not squirty ones, though, just boats, cups, and foam letters.
SC says
My 5 year old plays with Duplos in the bath tub. We keep them in baskets with holes in the bottom, and they don’t seem to get moldy.
Leatty says
My 3.5 year old unintentionally made me laugh this morning. She’s recently learned to sing Ring Around A Rosie…sort of. Instead of singing the macabre lyrics of “ashes, ashes, we all fall down,” it sounds like she is singing “fascists fascists all fall down.” In light of current events, I can’t help but laugh.
Anon says
Hahaha that’s awesome!
Anon. says
I approve of this.
Hahaha says
I’m totally teaching my 2 year old the new words
Waffles says
Interested in our children’s special interests and how we support them. Maybe we can get some ideas from each other!
For example, my daughter is four and a half and super into reading and jigsaw puzzles. I spend a lot of money on books and jigsaw puzzles… that’s about all I do to encourage this.
I try to encourage outdoor time and athletic activities, but she is not especially interested.
Anon says
when the world is normal again, take her to the library each week. i have such fond memories of going with my mom to get my library card, and picking out new books each week. also, i realize your motivation behind the outdoor time for her is to move her body, but depending on climate, have her bring her books and jigsaw puzzles outside. i think being outside, even if you aren’t moving your body, is helpful. a somewhat silly idea with the jigsaw puzzles is to bury the pieces in a sensory bin or something outside, and then she has to find them and put them together. buy her a blank puzzle and have her draw her own puzzle
Anonymous says
+1000 to the library, down to the fond memories of going with a parent (in my case, my dad). You might even be able to do this now depending on your comfort level. Our library requires masks and we go in, get the books and get out (the play area is closed) so it doesn’t seem any riskier than a trip to the grocery store to me.
Pogo says
Our library has curbside pickup, and you can even ask the librarian to pick out books on a topic. LO enjoys non-fiction books about whatever he’s really into that week, so I have her pick a few out for him. Recent topics have included outer space, dinosaurs, and trucks. I just encourage him to dive into whatever topic he’s into at that time!
Waffles says
Thanks so much for the suggestions!
I didn’t word my post as clearly as I could have — what I meant to ask was:
What is your child’s obsession and how do you support it?
Anon says
Not really kidding, DD’s obsession (3) is me. I try not to support that, because mama needs a break from her barnacle.
In terms of things though, it would be baking and cars. For baking, I try to have her bake something every weekend (pancakes, banana bread and cookies are her favorites). We also got her a play kitchen last year and for Christmas added the M and D pound cake set with a mixer and some Hape eggs that you can actually “crack” and pull out a felt yolk and white. She frequently video chats relatives while cooking or baking for them. We also got her some kid-safe nylon knives so she can cut with abandon when we are cooking.
As for cars, lots of play cars, remote control cars (toddler and adult (with supervision) versions), and these days DH and her often go for joy rides and stop at dealerships or car shops to look at all the pretty cars (outdoors, masked). When we drive we talk about all the different kinds of cars. DH informed me last week she definitely preferred the Camaros to the Lamborghinis which warmed my heart (I am a mustang fan myself but definitely prefer american muscle cars to fancy exotics from an aesthetic perspective). In the before times, we took her to the car shows around town. She also gets to “race” cars on DH’s simulator rig (he picked up iracing as a pandemic hobby).
Anonymous says
Cars – spouse and I learned basically every make/model in existence to support extended conversations about every car on the road. We all track license plates we see on a communal tracking sheet. Involved kindergartener in car-buying decision.
Geography: spend lots of time with the globe. Supported hours of singing the alphabetical states song. Get library books about different countries.so much time with maps and atlases (like language maps, bird-range maps, etc).
Anonymous says
My almost 3 year old has pretty broad interests. She loves playing with LEGOs, vehicles (especially excavators), animals, space exploration, cooking/baking (pretend and real), playing outside, doing art and riding in the car (our plans for the long weekend include driving to a city 1.5 hours away just to pick up takeout food…that’s how much she enjoys car rides). It’s easier for me to name the things she doesn’t enjoy doing (puzzles and board games) and she doesn’t seem to care about dinosaurs at all (she told my husband the other day that dinosaurs are imaginary and she prefers real animals, which was hilarious). Shes like to watch Daniel Tiger and Finding Nemo. We mostly drive the TV selection so I’m not sure how much that is “her” interest but she did really take to Nemo after watching it very briefly, because she loves fish and other sea creatures. We read mostly non-fiction about animals, vehicles and space.
Cb says
My 3.5 year old will happily let me read to him for an hour at the time, and is mostly obsessed with being “helpful”. He likes to check the weather, and look at the moon, but no proper dinosaur obsession or anything.
Boston Legal Eagle says
My 4.5 year old looooves trains – he got his first train set a few Christmases ago, and it’s still his favorite set of toys to play with. We’ve added to his train set and now he’s got all sorts of trains, tracks and contraptions. He also loves to watch YouTube videos of commuter and steam trains going by. During the stay at home orders, we’d go with him every day to the train station to see the commuter trains go by – he likes when they give him a honk. He also makes very loud train sounds, which we support within reason, but try to keep the loudness to outside.
FVNC says
My 7 yr old is obsessed with facts. We support it by buying her the National Geographic yearly Atlases (she’s already read the 2021 cover to cover) and other reference books.
My 3 yr old is obsessed with his daycare bestie, so anything bestie likes is also my son’s favorite. That has resulted in a proliferation of truck toys (Christmas presents) and wanting everything in the color green (“Green is [Bestie]’s favorite color AND my favorite!”). We support this obsession with outdoor playdates with Bestie. Hopefully he does not make a skin suit from this kid one day.
SC says
My 5 year old loves vehicles, especially trains, building toys, and puzzles. We definitely buy a lot of these types of toys and other stuff that’s themed.
I guess the other way we support these interests is space. Kiddo has a play room, and we allow him to leave up whatever train set or Lego build is going on in there. We have an entire cabinet in our living room filled with puzzles (and we’ve given dozens of easier ones away). We end up with several puzzles and/or Lego projects out in family areas–on the living room floor, the kitchen table, and a gateleg table we drag into the living room for extra space. We’ve allowed him to hang pictures of trains and vehicles that he’s drawn or colored on the walls of the hallway leading to his room, and the walls of his room and play room.
Anonymous says
3 (almost four) year old loves animals and factoids. So National Geographic books, other books about animals, watch wild Kratts, animal toys, etc,..otherwise she has varied interests.
GCA says
We spent a year in space courtesy of my then 3yo DS, pivoted to Wild Kratts for 2 years (I now have more lemur, cheetah and shark facts than I will really ever need, but I also love Wild Kratts so am happy to keep watching. we play ‘zoo’ and make up animal-related adventure stories), added fighter jets (specifically Harriers because vertical take-off and landing!) with a side of Lego and paper jet construction (the science experiment potential here is endless, but I’m starting to think I need a wind tunnel), and are now rekindling the space theme (books, space shuttle launch videos, model volcanoes).
DD, to my delight, continues to be obsessed with dinosaurs at 2.5. We read all the dinosaur books and watch Dino Dana).
So far, this is my favourite part of having kids.
Anon for this says
Did you and/or your partner undertake genetic carrier screening before TTC? Why or why not? Any advice about considering genetic risk?
My fertility clinic is really pushing carrier screening for me. My selected donor has screening results for 300 conditions and is a carrier for three genetic variants that are serious, but treatable, and not life limiting nor associated with profound mental nor physical disability. I was only able to get testing for 288 conditions, including two that donor carries (I am not a carrier of them) – one of the three the donor carries I could not arrange testing for in Canada (donor is from States and had access to different lab). Reproductive risk is 1/240 of me using donor without getting carrier testing for that last condition myself. The only option to test for this gene is in Finland for $850 USD. Not sure that the 1/240 risk is worth the cost, or the delay this would pose to my treatment (after an already long wait for care). And I feel unsure why my fertility doctor is pushing so hard. Many people use donors who don’t have expanded carrier screening and wouldn’t know about this condition, or TTC with a partner without having screening, or move ahead with greater reproductive risk than 1/240. I’m frustrated that I’m at the one yard line and now feeling like I need to doubt this, or that doctor is making me feel as though this is taking a risk when most people don’t even have this carrier information to begin with. Looking for perspective.
Oh – note, sadly changing donor isn’t much of an option because due to my CMV status and RH factor and COVID supply limitations, there really aren’t tons of alternatives.
Anonymous says
We are both Ashkenazi Jewish so we did the Jewish genetic disease panel. That’s apparently very important and covered by insurance if both partners have Jewish heritage. We didn’t screen for other diseases mostly because we didn’t know how to. I wanted to, and asked my doctor, but was told “it’s NBD, we did the Jewish stuff so don’t worry.” In hindsight I wish I had gone to a private company and paid out of pocket. We got lucky but I know too many people who had a child with a rare genetic condition and now that I’m a mom I can’t really imaging anything worse than losing a child or having to terminate a late-term pregnancy when a genetic defect is discovered. I would pay the $860 in your shoes.
Anon says
My insurance wouldn’t pay to screen my spouse unless I tested positive for something, fwiw.
Anonanonanon says
That is a huge cost and logistical hurdle for something with a small chance. This is obviously a very personal decision but I, personally, as an extremely cautious and anxious person, would not go through that extra testing.
I was only tested to see if I carried things that existed in my family (Hemophilia and Cystic Fibrosis) but was not offered screening for anything else.
Anon says
Would you accept and love a child with one of those conditions if it turned out s/he has it? If so, then skip it. I didn’t have the testing done until after I was pregnant, just for information sake, but it would not have changed our “choice” regarding the pregnancy. If it’s a hard no for you, or something you’d rather avoid, then get the testing done.
Anonymous says
Would having the information change your actions? If the condition in question is treatable, not life-limiting, and not associated with profound disability, and it’s either this donor or nothing, would you opt not to try for a child if you were a carrier? Or would you go ahead no matter what? If you’d still go ahead and you’d just want to be prepared before the birth if the baby did inherit the condition, could you test during pregnancy?
The vast majority of people don’t have any genetic testing done before they TTC in the traditional way.
anon says
I agree with this comment, but with the caveat that carrier screening is still different than in utero screening once you get to that point. I encourage people to get screening while pregnant even if it would not change their actions because it could help your baby. I’m the poster from yesterday with a kid with a rare genetic condition. We didn’t find out about her condition until she was about 1 because we missed the screening window for the test our OB offered at 10 weeks and decided it wouldn’t have changed our minds so we didn’t do any others – had we known her condition earlier, she could’ve had different treatments and therapies (starting from her birth and stay in the NICU) that may have given her a better start. More information can be good even if it wouldn’t affect the decision of how you carry the pregnancy.
Anonymous says
This is the point I am trying to make–if OP isn’t trying to avoid having a child with the condition but would like to know about it so she can be prepared at birth, wouldn’t in utero screening be her best option if available?
Anon says
also jewish, everyone i know does genetic testing. i did for 200 diseases and it was like $100. I wasn’t a carrier for anything so DH didn’t get tested. I have a parent who is a Tay Sachs carrier so I knew it was important for me to get tested. we have close friends who both tested positive for a metabolic disorder that could’ve led to a very very sick kid with a premature death, so they then conceived via IVF. I personally never would use a donor without expanded carrier screening and definitely would not have TTC without screening. i personally would also do the test bc I’m risk adverse
anon says
IME there is a lot of fear in the reproductive science space of litigious patients. There have been patients who sued, e.g., the sperm bank for not disclosing rare conditions. Facts vary widely, obviously, but I think the medical community has been overreacting and has been trying to make this into less of a choice for people undergoing treatment. I did end up screening, but like you it was for fewer diseases than the donor was screened for. I looked up what those diseases were and signed a release form and had a set of annoying conversations with the nurse…and then another nurse…then the RE about it.
Pogo says
We used IVF and could have screened, especially because I have a mutation that increases risk of breast and colon cancer (so I know the exact mutation). However I was of the same sort of mind as you like, millions of people TTC (or don’t try… just get pregnant) without even thinking about this. We just did the major ones (CF and SMA I believe) and neither of us were carriers, so we went forward. We also chose not to do any PGS of our embryos after the fact.
Anonymous says
We did not, but neither us is aware of family history for any genetic diseases. If we had family history or were at higher risk because of ethnicity, I would have done it.
In your situation, I would not get the additional test unless I thought it would change my decision about moving forward with the selected donor.
NYCer says
Would you find a different donor if it turned out you were also a carrier for the same variant? If so, then I would do the test. If not, then I would go forward without.
FWIW, I did genetic screening because I like having as much info as possible. I was not a carrier for anything so my husband did not get tested.
Anon Lawyer says
If OP does the test and is a carrier, I can pretty much guarantee that the clinic will refuse to go ahead with fertility treatments with that donor.
Anon Lawyer says
I was going to say use a different donor until I read your last paragraph. Given the limitations, I, personally, wouldn’t be that worried about that risk. (I also wouldn’t be worried about the RH risk – most clinics don’t restrict donor choice based on that and many aren’t that worried about CMV status either; yours might be especially conservative, for whatever that’s worth.) I think you have a reasonable assessment of the risk and potential outcomes and can feel pretty good about your judgment.
I used donor sperm and did do the carrier testing when I did IVF because my clinic really pushed it and insurance covered it. But I honestly felt like the chances of a bad outcome were pretty low and would have been wiling to take the risk.
Yes says
We did with IVF.
The New Mrs says
When my husband and I got married, I kept my name. We now have a daughter (4 mo old) who has my husband’s last name. I’ve spend almost two weeks writing her name over and over on bottles (just ordered labels!) and I feel left out and am thinking of changing my name to be husband’s last name. I am liking the idea of us all having the same last name. I am a lawyer and think I can still practice under my last name (I will confirm). My thought is I would go by FirstName MyLastName at work, and FirstNameHisLastName elsewhere (or be like RBG and use FirstName MyLastName HisLastName). My question is…is this a weird post-partum thing? I want to give myself at least a month to think about it. I really like the idea but am concerned this is hormones or stress (for example, during finals of law school I started planning to spend a semester in Tokyo – met with professors, etc. As soon as finals ended, I never thought about moving to Tokyo again.) How do I think through this? How do I give myself time?
Anon says
I don’t think that’s weird. Not exactly the same thing, but I changed my last name after I’d been married for 8 years (with the idea of having kids in mind). It was far less of a big deal then I thought it would have been; I got used to it really quickly and didn’t feel like I’d lost my identity or anything like that. Keeping your maiden name is fine, of course, but my preference was to have the whole household have the same name, and I’m happy with that choice.
Pogo says
You could try introducing yourself with the new last name and see how it feels? I have a friend who has been married for years and goes by her married now but has not actually legally changed it. I don’t think it’s a huge deal, no one really knows your legal name unless they’re looking at your social security card or passport or whatever. So you could try it for awhile, not actually change it, and then if it still feels right, go for it.
DLC says
Not weird at all! Do you definitely want a name change to be legal and official? I did go through all the paperwork about a year after I married and am officially MyLast HisLast, but most of the time I go by MyLast at work and HisLast for most other things. You might just try it out and see how it feels before you go through the annoyance of paperwork and standing in line at the DMV and Social Security office (especially these days). I feel like as long as you keep it straight in your head when you are using which name, and that you use your legal name where appropriate, you can be flexible about this.
Katy says
I was preggo when we actually tied the knot. I knew that i wanted to keep my name professionally and was therefore considering First Name MyLast Name HisLastName. My passport was expiring at the end of that year. I decided that i would wait on any name change decision until after kiddo was born and i needed a new passport / kiddo needed a passport and do all the paperwork at once. I definitely considered switching more seriously after kiddo was born.
Ultimately, since my names have a lot of letters in in and i didn’t want to drop my middle name i decided against it. We did not give the kiddo my last name as a middle name, but his middle name is from my family.
Socially, I sometimes use just hubby’s name – for example on Christmas cards we put “From the hislastname family or something like that”. My older relatives sometimes send me mail literally “Mrs. hisfirstname hislastname” which cracks me up.
Anon says
Just on the lawyer point, I changed my name when I got married (legally) to First Middle Maiden (as middle) HisLast. I had to change my bar registration to match my new legal name (all 4 of them) in the two jurisdictions I am barred. Bar rules (or maybe firm, I’m not sure) requires us to use our legal names when practicing, but my firm’s legal department got comfortable with me using First Maiden HisLast (like RBG) because legally Maiden was one of my middle names and was reflected on the updated practice authorization from the state supreme court. Had it not been, they would not have allowed it.
AnonATL says
I don’t think it’s weird. Your family unit has changed.
As a kid of someone who hyphenated her name for professional reasons, it is a pain sometimes. Especially when they get older. As an example, brother and I were on my mom’s insurance. We have dad’s last name. She has maiden-married. Even though our last name is super unique, people and/or computers still had a hard time connecting us to her account.
My mom has also told me that some states recognize the hyphen as a character. Some run the two names together. Federal treats it one way and so on. I don’t think it will be an issue if you did First Middle Maiden Last or First Maiden Last, but hyphens apparently are tricky.
Mathy says
Married 11 years, kept my maiden name for professional/academic reasons, said I was going to change it when kids came around, never did. We have two kids and they have husband’s last name. I use my last name professionally and legally, but socially introduce myself with my husband’s last name.
It works for us. My husband was bothered when we first got married, asked about it briefly after kid #1 came around, and I just never had the motivation to change it. It seems to work for us but is a minor hassle (more so for me than my husband) when signing up for things like joint memberships. I thought about changing after kid #2 arrived early last year, but that desire went away when the pandemic hit and I had bigger things to worry about. If I change my name legally, I’m going to have to use that professionally due to certifications that are required in my job.
I’d say don’t do anything legally for 6 months. Try the name “on” socially for a while and see how that feels, then consider if/how to change it legally and what impacts that would have professionally.
Clementine says
I only wanted to change my name when I had kids so it’s not just a you thing.
There’s something I really like about being “the Smiths”
(Note that I’m legally hypenated and lately just go by Maiden professionally and Married socially.)
FVNC says
I think it would be hard to continue to practice professionally under a name that is not your legal name; if you want to keep the same name for professional reasons, consider using your husband’s name socially. Many (most?) people will assume you have the same name as your kids, anyway. A good friend of mine does this — her legal and professional name is [Smith] but she uses her husband’s name socially (e.g., holiday card from the [Jones] family).
Anonymous says
This.
Anonymous says
I’m someone who has kept my name, but I don’t think what you are experiencing is weird or abnormal. I would suggest waiting to make major decisions until you are getting a reasonable amount of sleep, because at least in my own experience various things felt like a HUGE DEAL at 3-4 months pp that I felt differently about once I had closer to 7 hours of sleep for a few weeks. (One of my kids slept by 4 mo, one did not , so no idea if you’re in this stage now.)
KW says
How do you decide whether you are too old for another child? DH and I have a 9 yo and a 2 yo and are discussing having a third child. 9 yo was conceived naturally, but we had to do IVF for the 2 yo because of low sperm count. We have 2 frozen embryos left that have gone through PGS testing. DH is 41, has Type 2 diabetes, and could lose some weight (not judging him at all, love him exactly how he is, but just speaking medically/health-wise). I am 40 and otherwise healthy. DH’s main concerns are our ages and his health. I understand those concerns especially for the future, but day-to-day wise, I actually feel more relaxed and patient parenting our 2 yo than I did with our older kid. I’m sure part of this is it was not our first child, but also I do feel that age has calmed me down some so that I don’t stress about as many little things. My focus is more generally on having 3 kids vs. 2 kids. When I think long-term though, DH would be 60 when the last kid graduated high school! Any thoughts?
Anon says
this is such a personal thing. for me that would be too old, but my cousin’s wife just had their 3rd at 43, so to each their own
anon says
I agree that this is really personal. I am 40 and cannot imagine going through the baby phase again or wanting to start over at this point. Yet one of my BFFs is 41 and pregnant with her first, and several of my cousins have had second and third babies in their early 40s. They are very happy with those choices, from what I can tell.
Anonymous says
I think 2 kids is enough, your husband doesn’t want a third, and would stop the inquiry there.
Anonymous says
I mean, I have 3 kids and had my last one two years ago at 34. I would keel over (and also have some Big Questions for the dr that snipped DH) if pregnant today because it would push me over the edge.
But!! My kids are younger and closer together. A 9 y/o could be super helpful. I think if you are asking the question, then they answer could be “why not try naturally and see how things go??” Would you want to go through IVF again for a 3rd?
My house and life is absolute chaos right now. Every time one kid stays with my mom I marvel at the reduction in overall noise (doesn’t matter which kid!). But I think about what our family would be like if we didn’t go for #3 and then I hug them all extra tight. They drive me to the brink constantly but I love them all to pieces.
Spirograph says
“My house and life is absolute chaos right now. Every time one kid stays with my mom I marvel at the reduction in overall noise (doesn’t matter which kid!). But I think about what our family would be like if we didn’t go for #3 and then I hug them all extra tight. They drive me to the brink constantly but I love them all to pieces.”
All of this. I probably would not choose to go for #3 at 40 during a pandemic when my youngest was within sight of being potty trained, but it’s so personal. I doubt you’d regret it, but just FYI “relaxed” is not how I would ever describe parenting three kids — even though my youngest is arguably the easiest.
Katala says
I’m 39 and pregnant with our third. We thought we were done, but the pandemic and some changes in my career made us realize we wanted another. Younger son is 4. Yes, we’ll be older parents and grandparents. It’s definitely a bummer that we’ll likely be in our 70s when grandkids are born. But it’s not like we can turn back the clock and I don’t feel like the 4 years between the younger 2 is that much of a difference in the scheme of things.
octagon says
If you’re thinking about a third kid and it feels manageable after the past year, I think you can handle a third kid. Age matters to the extent that you’ll be more tired and get more prenatal care, but it’s not nearly as uncommon now to give birth at 40-41-42 as it was even 15 years ago.
Boston Legal Eagle says
I think the harder part will be the toddler+baby combo, which is hard at any age. My kids are 2.5 years apart and the combination is exhausting, and will be for another year or so. Not to say you shouldn’t have a third, just know that the ease with your second may not continue to be felt when there are two little ones!
Anonymous says
Eh, I say go for it if you feel good and healthy. A big consideration for us is wanting to be empty nesters in our 50s (had our 2nd at 32). But you already have a two year old. If you got pregnant in 3 months, would it make that much of a difference? Your husband would be 57 vs 60. My sister had her 3rd at 39. Definitely glad she had a third.
Anon4this says
I think its certainly fair to think about how old you will be when certain milestones happen. I’m 38 and trying for no.2. Given how things are going I’ll likely be 39 before no.2 arrives maybe even 40. DH and I haven’t made a final decision yet but I don’t think we’d keep trying once it becomes clear I would be 41 once the baby is born. I think 40 is my limit. DH is also 4 years older than me. By the time I’m 40 and DH is 44, number 1 would be starting Kindergarten and I don’t think I could see going back to a baby after that. Also, my mom had me when she was on her early 40s and sadly died right after I finished college. I know that its unlikely I too would die in my mid-late 60s but it definitely colors my thinking on having kids later in life.
Lil says
I’m 37, just had my second, and we want another probably when I am 39-40; we will see. We had 5 years of fertility issues prior to having our first and now have several frozen embryos. I do expect a certain amount of judgment around being an “old mom”, particularly as we are in the Midwest, which I don’t understand and am not willing to change my choices to avoid.
People who are very passionate/vocal about never wanting to be an “old mom” – and I know quite a few – to me are no different than people who like to announce that they could *never ever* leave their kids to go to work (or vice versa). It’s a delicate and sensitive issue about which people are likely to want to justify their own choices. So things get heated and hurtful easily.
Anonymous says
I’m sorry if people are actually judging you for being an “old mom” that sucks. But saying you don’t want to have a third kid at 40 because that age feels too old *to you* for a third is not hurtful to anyone. Good for her, not for me. Just like some people don’t put their kids in daycare and that’s also a fine choice to make and doesn’t mean they’re judging daycare moms.
Lil says
I think we’re misunderstanding each other – I’m not talking about people who say a kid at 40 isn’t for them at all! Obviosuly nothing wrong with that, especially here where OP asked the question.
I am talking about people who go around saying “I’d never have another kid because I don’t want be an old mom.” and the like. I hear comments this all the flipping time in my Midwestern area.
Anonymous says
Oh, yuck. I posted above about having 3 and I have Mom Friends With kids the same age as one of mine ages 27-49!
My oldest is 7 and her good friend’s mom had her at 42, IVF. Bad@ass single mom. same kiddo has a friend with 3 older siblings. Mom is 44 but dad is 52 (second marriage). My youngest (3.5) goes to daycare with a little girl whose mom is 27.
anon says
I hope that’s not how my comment above came across. I am not judging anyone who has kids later — it really is a “good for her, not for me” situation. I also wouldn’t be crass enough to say in person that I don’t want to be an “old mom.”
Anon Lawyer says
I always find the “old mom” handwringing kind of stupid because prior to widely available birth control, most women had their last kid in their early 40s. It’s not a new invention.
Anonymous says
Yes but lots of us don’t want to do things we would have had to do in the pre-birth control era.
Anokha says
My almost 5 year old needs glasses and I am hoping to avoid in-person stores if possible! Favorite online retailers? I saw an ad for Jonas Paul, which looked like Warby Parker for kids. Has anyone tried it (and if so, thoughts on the quality?)
Anon says
My 5 year old has been in glasses for several years at this point, and honestly we’ve given up and still have to take him in person. The fitting is just too important at that age. I want him to feel comfortable in the glasses, both in terms of color/ style and literal fit, so they’re more likely to stay on all day. And maybe we’re just bad at it, but we have yet to find an online retailer with a good child-sized selection and a process where we can get a good at-home fit by ourselves.
We tried the $1 at home kit from Jonas Paul. The first kit, brown, he hated all of them (despite picking out brown/ tortoise frames the last two years in shops). The second kit, colors, he picked a pair but we didn’t feel comfortable with the measurement tool. He was between sizes and their customer service was really poor in responding to help us select the right fit, so we didn’t end up ordering any of those either. The selection for kids at Warby Parker was super small. We didn’t try Zenni because it’s been a miss among our friends, where most said the fit was nothing like the “virtual try on” on their website.
Anokha says
Thank you so much! We also ordered the kit, and we’re driving distance from a Warby Parker, so we’re going to check it out.
anon says
I think you need to go try glasses on in-person. I just would not mess around with online ordering for a kid, pandemic or not. They aren’t always great at articulating if something isn’t working correctly, like alignment or fit.