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We finally broke down and started using a splat mat, and I’m wondering why we didn’t make the switch earlier. It captures the food the toddler throws on the floor and means it isn’t a total crisis if we don’t get on all fours immediately after the meal. We got a clear one that seems to be working fine (no complaints, although I wouldn’t call it “machine washable”), but this pictured alphabet one looks lovely if you want more of a design or pattern. It’s kid-centric without being over-the-top, it’s gender neutral, and it seems it wouldn’t be outgrown for a thousand years. It’s $36 at Amazon. Sugarbooger Jumbo Floor Splat Mat (L-3)Sales of note for 4.18.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
THANKS says
I didn’t post at all yesterday, but I’d posted a few weeks ago, petrified about #3 (I was Schmamortion – haha, my husband is Schmo-Schmife).
Anyway, thanks to everyone who posted yesterday about #3. It was a great list of my realities and my anxieties and I actually sent the link to my husband (I don’t usually share your deepest thoughts, don’t worry). It was really helpful for him to gain empathy and for me to express myself. Thank you.
I also loved the less-deep more-shallow comments – this is a great website BECAUSE Of the commenters. THANK YOU ALL!
unexpectedlyexpecting says
I was offline yesterday but the OP about #3 on Monday. I must have missed yours a few weeks ago. Don’t know what you decided but I’m glad the comments were helpful for you too. I LOVE this community.
TK says
My 22 month old woke up 2 hours after he went to bed last night completely inconsolable. He stopped screaming as soon as I walked in but started again as soon as I left the room, and kept it up for TWO HOURS. Finally fell asleep from exhaustion. He’s never done anything like that before, even during sleep training – he isn’t sick, isn’t teething, no other big changes that I’m aware of … and woke up at his usual time this morning, happy as could be. I don’t think it’s “night terrors” because he was actually awake and interacting with me during the screaming. Any thoughts? It was awful (and just happened to be the night before I have two big presentations and an interview for a major promotion … sigh)
Famouscait says
No experience with this in a kiddo, but my husband has night terrors occasionally, and even though he appears/acts/seems to be awake, he never remembers it the next morning. So maybe it’s possible it was a night terror, or at least a very scary nightmare? That sucks for all involved.
anne-on says
Are you sure he doesn’t have an ear infection? My son usually reacted like that when he had one, even if the fever was super low-grade, they hurt, A LOT.
Otherwise, yeah, its the age when they realize you’re gone when you leave and that can result in a lot of anxiety at night. We introduced a lovey, a nightlight, and a light up soother at about that age since my son had a few nights of just being absolutely terrified when I left. Which coincided with an uptick in my travel, so I could understand why. But still, it was hell, I feel for you.
FVNC says
We went through something similar. Around 22 months, my kiddo had sudden-onset, intense separation anxiety at night. Literally, one night I laid her in the crib wide awake and she put herself to sleep on her own; the next night she screamed and screamed until I laid down next to her crib and held her hand while she fell asleep. If she woke in the middle of the night, she needed either me or my husband to be with her to get back to sleep rather than settling herself down. I was caught completely off-guard. Thankfully, the intense anxiety lasted only a week or so, and gradually we scaled back being in her room as she falls asleep. Now, maybe 3 or 4 months later, I’ll sit in a chair and read my Kindle for five minutes while she falls asleep, but otherwise we’re back to normal. So there’s hope that this is not the new normal for you!
the second says
Christmas gifts for nannies? And do you give one week’s pay or two? We’ve only had our nanny for a little while, so I was planning to do one week’s pay plus some sort of gift. But honestly, it’s hard to know what she likes! We tend to only talk about my kid! So any good ideas you guys have would be appreciated!
Anon S says
the second, we gave our nanny 2 weeks pay for a Christmas gift/bonus. We’ve only had her since September and she’s 3 days a week with us.
the second says
Oof, ours started mid-November and works 45-50 hours a week so that is a lot for us… but i also realize that we want to keep her happy and feeling appreciated! that’s why i was thinking of a personal gift, but having trouble coming up with a good one. i am also planning to get her another museum membership, which will broaden the places she can take kiddo but also benefit us so i’m not counting that.
the second says
Oh, and thank you for the feedback! Much appreciated to hear what others are doing!
Msj says
Struggling with the same. Leaning towards one week pay plus one week paid vacation after Christmas. And designed an ornament from the kids and cute socks. I hate buying expensive generic gifts. I was also thinking of either jewelry or cashmere scarf from Nordstrom that us easily returnable so can sort of function as a gift card. But see above re generic gifts.
the second says
Oh that’s an interesting point – she got three days off at thanksgiving and is getting off the whole week of christmas and new years, so I feel like we are being pretty good employers right now! I might get a scarf, our house is cold!
Anon S says
This post is so on point, I was just going to come on here and ask for other mat recommendations. I posted yesterday and got some responses (thank you to those of you who responded!) but wanted to post again to see if anyone else had ideas. Right now we are using a towel, but it’s getting annoying to have to put the towel in the washing machine twice a day. We have hardwood floors. Thanks for any additional ideas/thoughts!
those car floor mats says
Your post reminded me of those car floor mats that are advertised all the time now on TV. I thought it’d be funny if they were huge, for under a highchair.
L says
We use one of the clear mats solid in office supply stores to protect floors from rolling chairs. Not the solution you’d want if you take it up and down with each meal, but it’s perfect for us–we just put it down when we bought the high chair, and haven’t touched it for the past year. Minimal visual intrusion when company is over, etc. I love it!
Betty says
Reposting from yesterday because it was stuck in moderation all day: Looking for a little moral support: Earlier this year, I jumped from a lawyer-centric government organization where I was surrounded by working professional/lawyer mothers, to the private/in house sector. Suddenly, I have found myself to be the only professional working mom with young kids among my cohort. There are some working parents around, but they are either men (with older kids) or worker bees (I don’t mean that even slightly pejoratively). No one wants to see their lawyer frazzled from daycare drop-off or desperately needing advice on a toddler who jumped out of the crib. The other lawyers or managers are older, single, childless and/or all of the above. I have found it to be lonely and tough to act like I always have my stuff together!
Clementine says
It’s been a while since I posted (baby born early, etc.), but I wanted to just give an update. It has to do with complications of pregnancy, so if this is something you’d rather skip, please do so.
Baby is doing great- still in the NICU and healthy just getting over typical preemie stuff. Baby is developing a personality and we’re starting to work on discharge stuff as we get closer to baby’s original due date.
Unfortunately, a week after baby was born I developed a very rare and potentially deadly complication that required a visit to the ICU, a week in the hospital, and an emergency surgery which unfortunately means that this will be my first and last birth. This has been absolutely devastating as we had always seen ourselves having multiple kiddos. What makes it even harder for me is that I am reasonably young, healthy, and the complication that happened has been described by doctors as ‘like a strike of lightning- no rhyme or reason’.
I’m even that annoying woman who enjoyed being pregnant and actually liked giving birth. I’ve been going through a grief process of losing the future I thought I had while dealing with the recuperation from major medical problem plus having a baby in the NICU. Because I’m a planner, I’ve already started researching adoption, fostering and surrogacy for the future. I know it sounds nuts, but my spouse and I were basically placed in a position where we had to decide between my life or my fertility and (obviously and logically) picked me living. In that moment that we made the choice, I had this image in my mind of someone handing me a baby girl. I don’t know if that is the soul/spirit of the baby I would have had or a baby who exists out there for us in the future, but I’m choosing the latter and holding on to that image.
Much love and thank you again for all the support. It’s been a really sucky month.
JJ says
Oh my goodness, what a traumatic decision that you had to make in the midst of a crisis (and unbelievably crazy post-pregnancy hormones). I know you know that you made the right decision, but I think anyone would need to grieve the future that they expected.
I’m like you and I work through my emotions on issues like this through planning for the future. I don’t have anything helpful to add beyond this, other than support and thoughts for your family.
Anon says
My sister had a very similar situation to you, except her baby died. Please treasure every second you have with your baby and the future will take care of itself. The newborn days fly by so quickly. Even if you pursue adoption/fostering – it is possible that this will be the only time you have a newborn so treasure this time and focused on expanding your family later. Those options will be there waiting for you when you are ready to figure out what is the best fit for your family.
Clementine says
I’m so sorry to hear this. I am and will forever be thankful for modern medicine that saved my life and baby’s life.
Part of me thinking about next steps is that it is what I need to do to be fully present for my baby. Right now, when I get overwhelmed by my sense of loss and grief, I work hard to focus on what I do have and what I can do. Part of that is realizing that some babies are grown in your belly and some in your heart, and either way they can make it into your life.
Trust me when I say that when I am able to bring my baby home, I will treasure every single sleepless second.
Anon says
Thanks. If thinking about next steps is helpful to you then definitely do that but I would strongly recommend you focus on collecting general information vs. ‘planning’ because the path of adoption/surrogacy/fostering can be even more uncertain than standard pregnancies. Ever since this happened to my sister I have hated the term ‘family planning’ because nobody gets to plan – we just hope that things will work out how we want them to and try to find happiness when they don’t.
ABA says
I’m not sure if anything I can say right now can give you comfort, but I will try. Be kind, gentle, and loving to yourself right now. I know it’s hard to just focus on the present and not worry about the future (this is a hard thing for me as well). Spend time with your husband and new baby, and do not be afraid to seek counseling to support you in the grieving process. Those two things may be the best gifts that you can give yourself and your family right now. The way forward for your family will become evident with time. As you identified, there are many options out there for expanding your family in the future. I’ve known families who have expanded through the options you mentioned, each choosing the specific option for various personal reasons. When you are ready, there are great resources out there on all three options.
NewMomAnon says
So many hugs.
I’m not in exactly the same position, but have also been coming to grips with the idea of “losing” my dream family. It’s a process, and even 2 years out I still feel that loss. My only advice: let yourself feel it openly and publicly now. Talk about it, with your partner, with your therapist, here, with your good friends, your mother/father/siblings/etc. Be sad, angry, depressed, whatever you feel, own it.
I would wait on adoption/fostering/surrogacy until the postpartum hormones have started to ebb and you get a better handle on how you you might feel long term. I would have made some weird decisions in the 6 months postpartum if my therapist hadn’t kept bringing me back to the mantra, “Right now we do not have to decide.” So many things feel like a crisis with postpartum hormones, and you may want ALL THE BABIES for a while (seriously, I decided at one point that I wanted 7-10 children even as I became aware that my marriage was about to disintegrate).
But really – just hugs. It will get better.
CPA Lady says
Wow, I am so sorry to hear about that situation OP. How terrible.
Totally agree with New Mom Anon about not making any decisions right now. If planning helps you, then absolutely do some research on your various options, but the first year is so overwhelming, and I completely (what felt like rationally) wanted to have a herd of babies. I know that I personally would have made some rash hormonally based decisions in the first year if left to my own devices.
Anon in NYC says
Oh my gosh. You obviously made the right choice, as you know, but to have your vision for your future shift so quickly must be devastating. I’m so sorry that you and your spouse had to go through all of that. We’re here for you!
Hug says
Hug from the internet here. Glad you’re alive – we and your family need you :)
Also — as I dealt with “fertility issues” — I was able to find in my largish city a psychotherapist who specializes in women with fertility issues. I highly recommend such a helper for you (your ob-gyne or hospital may be able to recommend some people) as you face these and other life changes.
It’s ok to be sad and happy at the same time. Whatever you’re feeling is probably a normal reaction to a (now, thankfully) abnormal situation.
octagon says
I second this. A friend had a similar outcome to you – she had seen herself with many kids, and for a variety of medical reasons, her first birth will be her only. She has benefited from a skilled therapist who has experience in both fertility issues and grieving the loss of an intended path. Hugs to you.
MDMom says
Congrats on your healthy baby. I’m so sorry for your loss. For what it’s worth, I think its normal to jump in to researching other options. Your expectations and plans for your future have been suddenly and unexpectedly altered and part of coping is trying to understand how much. You are under a lot of stress right now. Be kind to yourself while you try to get your bearings. Good luck with everything.
anonforthis says
I just wanted to say that planning for the future sounds like a perfectly healthy way of coping. I spent a lot of time in the surrogacy community because I carried my nephew for my sister, and your story reminds me very much of the best friend I made there. Painful story ahead, including fetal death, with a happy ending: she lost her uterus and her daughter in one day at 22 weeks gestation. She spent several months deeply depressed and barely functional, and then woke up one day and decided she was going to find a way to move forward with the family she wanted. Within six months she did IVF to bank frozen embryos, and within a year they transferred the embryos to a surrogate, who had become her friend. Her baby girl was born nine months later. She was kind of a machine the whole time — getting the clinic in order, moving money around, dealing with the thousands and thousands of details this endeavor requires — and a lot of people kept giving her all this unsolicited advice about how she needed to slow down and wait. Which might have been good advice for other people, but not for her. She just needed to get it done. She knew what she needed. If you know what you need, go for it.
The bottom line is, any way you choose to expand your family from here will require an incredible amount from you in terms of emotions, time, and money. It sucks a lot, but it will. But if you have that fire, if you know you need another child in your life, it can happen. Best of luck to you.
Clementine says
Thank you for sharing this.
I can now say, being in a position I never thought I would be in, that you will never ever understand what an amazing gift surrogacy is. In a year or so (when we’re ready to make a decision), I might be posting to pick your brain- or anyone on here who has had experience with surrogacy on either end- regarding that experience.
I feel like I need to keep moving forward. I spent two weeks crying and wishing for a time machine and then woke up and decided to fully engage as a mother and a partner and a human. Part of that is going through motions and part of that is enjoying even the crazy NICU time and part of that is not buying coffee at Starbucks and thinking ‘this is going to go into savings to help fund our adoption’ and all those things are okay.
Katarina says
I am thinking of you, this sounds so traumatic.
Preemie Mom says
Hugs. Congrats on your baby and on preparing for discharge – very exciting time! And huge condolences on having to face a huge loss at the same time. Glad you updated all of us – best of luck as you take baby home and as you heal, both physically and emotionally.
In House Counsel says
Clementine, just wanted to send my congrats on your healthy baby and some hugs for the rough month. Pls do as Anon says above enjoy and treasure these newborn days and be kind to yourself in the months ahead.
Anon says
Thank you for sharing your story. I also think that planning is a healthy and normal way of coping with a stressful situation. One tactic that helped me during a health situation was to “plan to make a plan.” I gathered the basic information that I felt I needed to keep my brain from going off on overdrive/unhelpful tangents. I then created a private calendar appointment several months down the road and dumped the info into it. Then I made I list of what I could do right then/goals for the near future. I had a daily list for a while and this was things like “take a shower”, “sit at the table and eat dinner” at first but I could check something off. I was rational enough to know that I could not make any decisions right then but I needed to see some progress. And several months later I was in a better place to enact decisions for the future. Please consider seeing a counselor, particularly one that works with individuals in similar positions (if you have a good friend, you can even ask them to research for you). While I had a different situation, the planning comment resonated with me, and I hope this example is helpful for you.
Msj says
I’m very sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I had post birth complications though ultimately kept my fertility. I’ve found a great small community on Facebook for birth trauma to be helpful – along with this group. If you have an anon email you can post I can send you an invitation to the group.
Also Kim K has started somewhat of a public dialogue on these sorts of birth trauma. I honestly appreciate her openess on these issues
Best wishes, hugs and healing
Lorelai Gilmore says
So much love to you. Be well. Love that baby, plan as it’s helpful, step back as you need to.
Chi Squared says
I am so glad to hear that your baby is doing well, and so sorry to hear of your complications.
Clementine says
Thanks for the good wishes and positive vibes.
I’m very much focused on my baby and what I do have versus what I don’t. It’s really hard to leave the hospital every day, the one I had initially planned on being the place I brought multiple healthy, bouncing newborns home from, and leave my baby there each day.
A few of you mentioned postpartum hormones- with everything going on, I haven’t even given those a second thought. Do I think they may be contributing to some of my thoughts right now? Absolutely. Do I think, though, that all these thoughts are valid and would be expected even if I weren’t postpartum? Fully.
To those who asked: even before the whole ‘almost dying’ part, I’d already reached out to counselors who were experienced in trauma versus just regular PPD.
It’s surreal that 6 weeks ago I was just another boring healthy pregnant lady and now my husband and I are having to consider the ethical and financial implications of surrogacy or adoption. We’ve decided to wait until Baby’s first birthday to start to make decisions and in the interim to focus on saving up, knowing that whatever decision we make to expand our family will likely be financially challenging.
Oh, and when I was at the point where Doctors were staring at me like they were terrified and someone was making sure my husband had family in the area he could call to be with him, these were the thoughts that went through my mind: 1) I should have bought better life insurance. 2) My baby will have no good pictures of us together- all he will have is some hastily snapped cell phone pictures to remember his mother who loved him. So- take pictures, even if you feel like crap!! and buy good life insurance!
TBK says
So much to deal with! I’m so sorry. I’m so happy though to hear your baby is doing well. These things, they all seem so simple and it’s so easy to think that pregnancy and childbirth are easy and safe, and they mostly are (for us in a country like ours) but so many people have so many hard, hard stories. Thank you for sharing here. You sound amazingly clear-headed and I’m sure whatever you and your husband decide is right will be the right choice for you. I hope you get to bring your little guy home soon!
NewMomAnon says
I agree, your feelings are totally valid – I didn’t mean to imply anything else. And you should absolutely dream, test out different ideas, explore various options. The only thing I meant to say was that you should consider hitting pausing on making any solid commitments until the hormones ebb, if you can.
I had emergency surgery when my kiddo was less than a year old, and I remember demanding of everyone in the surgical prep room “if anything happens to me, make sure kiddo knows how much I loved her.” It’s an awful and incredibly powerful feeling that doesn’t leave you, and it has made me very mindful to always make sure my daughter knows exactly how loved she is. No regrets parenting. Best of luck to you.
October says
I have been wondering how you’ve been doing and hoping for an update. I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through. Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus and let you know that you have someone else thinking about you and sending well wishes and good vibes your way. Stay strong, mama!
ABA says
We use a clear shower curtain as a floor mat. Cheap and it’s easy to clean off (literally just hose it down if you live in a house, or shower it off if you live in an apartment).
Varicose Veins says
Anyone have tips on how to deal? I have a prescription for compression stockings, but would love other suggestions. I went from super easy pregnancy to hardly be able to walk in 2 days (I have them badly on one ankle and mildly on the other calf), and still have 10 weeks to go to my due date.
Betty says
Reposting since stuck in moderation. Looking for a little moral support: Earlier this year, I jumped from a lawyer-centric government organization where I was surrounded by working professional/lawyer mothers, to the private/in house sector. Suddenly, I have found myself to be the only professional working mom with young kids among my cohort. There are some working parents around, but they are either men (with older kids) or worker bees (I don’t mean that even slightly pejoratively). No one wants to see their lawyer frazzled from daycare drop-off or desperately needing advice on a toddler who jumped out of the crib. The other lawyers or managers are older, single, childless and/or all of the above. I have found it to be lonely and tough to act like I always have my stuff together! And it makes me miss my kids all the more.
Anonymous says
I am not a lawyer, but I am a young senior executive. Everyone at my meetings is 20-30 years my senior (with 2 exceptions in their early 40s, who are a decade older), and they are all male. The only person I can even remotely commiserate with is our CEO’s chief of staff, who is 34 and has 2 little ones (but is also male and has a wife that stays home). My direct reports include some working moms of little, but my peers are well beyond the young years.
It’s tough.
Anglophile says
I hear you on this. I am in-house and report directly to much older men with adult children who had stay at home moms. My wake-up call coming back from maternity leave was hearing second hand about some grumbling from those men that I must not be devoted to my job because I was not checking in enough (meanwhile, I actually was checking in our HR manager, who we previously decided would be my contact, and my leave miraculously coincided with an extremely quiet on the legal front period but I should have been coming in just because, sigh). The silver lining to that ridiculousness was I came back with a vengeance, which nipped that cr*&p in the bud and distracted me from moping about the end of my leave. The flip side is that sometimes I feel like I have to downplay the whole newborn thing (yikes he’s eight months now – maybe not a newborn?), which is tough when I feel like death warmed over after a particularly bad night and all I want to do is curl up under my desk Costanza style. What helps me is venting with my fellow working mothers and their encouragement (or laughter more often than not). This working mother gig is hard, awesome, but hard and it helps knowing that I am not only one who struggles with it – despite the perceived lack of empathy at the office. So that is a long way of saying you are not alone (even if it feels that way at work) and we can do this!
the second says
We use our dog as a splat mat. She’s always there and we just point. Keep in mind, we don’t feed baby chocolate and the dog is definitely not overweight, etc. Anyone else do this? Are we just terrible lazy people? Wondering if we should invest just to be adults!
Katarina says
I use my dog as a splat mat. Pointing is not even necessary.
Famouscait says
Ditto.
Betty says
Ha! We do this too. My husband and I have commented that we would have to vacuum a lot more without our two dogs.
JJ says
Our dog is 14 years old and we don’t know if he’ll make it to the summer. My husband asked if, when we have to put him down, did I want to wait a while before we got another dog. I told him absolutely not, unless he wanted to vacuum all the food under the kitchen table every day.
So, to answer your question, we do it too.
anne-on says
Our lab puppy is an incorrigible food thief. So yes, she cleans up the high chair area (and the floors, and anything even vaguely food-like on them).
Unfortunately it means my son is also still in his high chair at 3.5 since the puppy has no shame about stealing food from the table now that she’s big enough to. And its easier to have him in the high chair then to crate her for every meal.
RDC says
We have to keep baby and dog separate during the meals, or baby feeds all of his dinner directly to the dog. But dog definitely handles cleanup after.
Pigpen's Mama says
This is the primary reason I’ve agree to get a dog…I’m pretty sure that there will be more work in the end, but I’m so tired of wiping up the floor.
TBK says
This is what we do. We specifically bring the dog into the kitchen to clean up. (He can’t be there while they’re eating because they love feeding him and will feed ALL their food to him.)
POSITA says
Any suggestions for toddler socks? My 2 yo seems to have out grown her socks last night and really needs the next size (2-3 yr, shoe size toddler 7). When I search I keep finding baby socks and girls socks, but very little in a toddler size. Do you have a favorite brand/source?
FVNC says
I love our hand-me-down Baby Gap socks. My kiddo is the third toddler to use them and they are still in great shape.
Midwest Mama says
When my kiddo was a toddler I believe I got most of her socks at Old Navy, Gap, or Target. IIRC, they have a good selection and wide range of sizes.
L says
I bought a bunch of white ones recently from the Old Navy outlet. Basic, cheap, and they’ve been working just fine
JJ says
I buy bags and bags of the white Old Navy crew socks, so I never even have to match them. Just a box filled with the same white socks that I can grab from every morning.
Maddie Ross says
We buy in bulk at Wal-Mart, or the Hanes toddler socks from Target.
Mom2Pugs says
Does anyone have any advice on helping a SO deal with a big career disappointment? DH is a medical resident and just found out he didn’t match into any programs for fellowship. We were both shocked and disappointed as we had fully expected he’d match at his current institution (they’d been sending signals that it was a sure thing.) I’m 7 months pregnant with our first child and had been looking forward to the emotional roller coaster of fellowship applications being done with a happy ending. No such luck. He’s figuring out a Plan B and then reapplying next year, but in the mean time, I’m the emotional backstop and it’s been tough with pregnancy hormones. Any advice on trying to dole out emotional support when you’re also in desperate need of some?
Yes says
I was 7 months along this past spring when husband had a work-induced anxiety attack and had to (chose to?) quit his job. So yes – help and support, but do not be his sole emotional support. And you take time for you and get your support. There will still be a happy ending, I promise, even if it’s not the one you expect. (One quote I loved – if it’s not happy, it’s not The End yet.)
mc says
I have been the one dealing with career disappointment (layoff). My advice is to generally follow his lead for the short term. If he wants to gripe about those SOBs who misled him into thinking he had a position, then go with it. If he seems to want to be babied a bit, go with it. Ultimately, decide how much pity is appropriate and how much tough love he might want/ be able to handle. I really appreciated that after all my griping, my husband finally said, ok, knock it off and move on.
MDMom says
My husband is a senior resident. He did match into fellowship but I kinda get the shock this would cause. I think you just remind him what’s important (family) and try not to make him feel like he let you down or is a bad “provider” or anything like that. Im sure he’s feeling some of that. Encourage him to have an uncomfortable conversation with the program director at his current institution to find out what really happened. It’s unusual for them not to rank their own resident to match. At a minimum they owe him an honest explanation so he knows if he’s going to have reference issues. It could have been a problem with his performance or maybe just politics (like they knew he wasn’t ranking them high so they didn’t want to waste a high real spot on him). Either way he should know.
Mom2Pugs says
Thanks, all. This is very sound advice that I’m going to implement. I’m trying to find a balance between being encouraging and optimistic and also finding ways to communicate that he needs to suck it up and this isn’t an indictment of his future career and talent. He’s gotten a lot of encouragement from a lot of people at his institution, which has helped, but as far as the listening to him gripe kind of support, that falls squarely on me. He says he doesn’t want to talk about it with friends or family and wants me to get the message out to everyone that he didn’t match. I floated the idea of counseling and he didn’t shut it down entirely, so if he’s still bummed in a month or two, that might be an option. It really will be, in the long run, a good thing for our family. He’s got several fairly lucrative job leads for next year and he’ll have a more flexible schedule than a first year fellow, so it really will be great for him to spend time with our young son and save some money to soften the financial blow fellowship and a likely move will cause. I guess I was just looking forward to being a happy and slightly whiney pregnant lady for these last few months, but am coming to terms with the fact that it’s just not my lot. @MDMom, he was applying for a competitive specialty and only applied to a few programs, ranking current institution highest on the list. He’s not going to have any reference issues – all his letters were glowing, he constantly gets great feedback, etc…We think what happened was kind of a fluke with the institution matching a higher number of outside applicants than they had planned/anticipated and bumping him off. I.e. – they planned on 3 of their own and 3 from other programs matching, but more outside people ranked them really high, so they got 4 outside and 2 of their own. If that makes sense. Still if they’d ranked him high enough he would have matched, and totally a d*ck move on their end to act like he was a sure thing. Ugh.
MDMom says
Makes sense. They shouldn’t have led him to believe he was ranked to match if he wasn’t. But that’s done. I’d hope they feel bad enough about it to guarantee him a spot next year if he wants it. He is in a rough spot with no one he feels comfortable venting to except you. Maybe you can encourage him to meet up with friends from college or med school to reconnect (won’t have much time once baby is here). I don’t know if college friends would be better because they’re outside the med school competitive sphere or med school friends because they would best understand how he feels. I think you are correct that there will be some real benefits to having him earning more and having more free time when baby is small. We have a 6 month old and I am very much dreading my husband starting fellowship in July.
Jmds says
If anyone has any tips for getting my 7 week old to sleep during the day for more than ten minutes, and to stop cluster feeding, I’m all ears.
My current plan consists of eating leftover birthday cake and crying.
POSITA says
My favorite break during a growth spurt was to strap the baby into a Moby wrap, all snuggly, and to walk to the coffee shop and back. The wrap helped quiet the baby and the walk did me a world of good.
It will get better!
Anonymous says
If you’re in NYC, I’ll bring you more cake!
AEK says
You poor thing. The cluster feeding just has to run its course, unfortunately. Baby is growing fast. A couple times during my leave, my husband came home from work to find me crying in the glider, not having been able to get up after hours of cluster feeding. It’s so draining. But I promise it’s temporary. Cry, eat the cake. Whatever helps.
As for sleeping, if you’re not already trying a swing / rocker, maybe that would help? I also second the rec for a walk outside if you can manage it and it’s not too cold where you are. Fresh air tends to knock out the little ones.
CPA Lady says
It’s not for everyone, but the occasional bottle of formula helped me a lot. When I wasn’t 100% on the hook for every feeding, I started enjoying b-feeding a lot more.
Jmds says
Tried that today. She refused the bottle sadly. Maybe if my husband gives it to her when he gets home.
Anon says
Try different bottles / nipples. I went with a pack of Avent, because that’s what everyone I knew used. But mine prefers the Munchkin Latch. Huge difference when she tried it.
Meg Murry says
How long has the cluster feeding been going on? Baby is probably going through a growth spurt, and although they suck, they generally only last 1-3 days (for the seriously bf 24 straight variety) or 3-4 evenings in a row. It really sucks, but baby is sending your body a “more, more, more” demand signal for milk so that you will start producing enough for a more active, larger baby. All babies go through this in some degree or another, usually at 3 weeks, 6-8 weeks, 12-16 weeks and 6 months.
My advice is to get yourself a giant pile of food and water, put on some clothes you can sleep in and make yourself comfortable in front of a screen (TV, laptop, whatever). Nurse the baby, eat the food, watch all the trashy TV and as soon as s/he doses off, plunk her in the rock and play or bouncer or carseat (swaddled if you think that will help), roll over and sleep as much as s/he will let you. Repeat all night long. When you really absolutely can’t take it anymore, pass to your partner and ask him to put baby in a stroller or front pack and take a walk so you can get a nap or a shower. And if you are really feeling like you are at your breaking point, remember that baby will be perfectly safe in his crib for 5-10 minutes if you need to set him down and walk away to compose yourself.
Cluster feeding s*cks, but it will pass. You got this!
Faye says
My first would eat every hour, on the hour, for 45 minutes at a stretch for her first two months. (It went to every two hours overnight, thankfully, but still not a lot of sleep time for her or me.) Fourth-ing the walks in a Moby Wrap, if you can do it, but honestly around 6 weeks I started side-feeding and falling asleep while I did it. *insert caveats here about co-sleeping* but whatever. The day part got better around 9 weeks, but then when she went to daycare at 12 weeks she started clustering all night long again. Sleeping together while she ate saved my sanity and my safety.
And AMEN to Meg Murray. The baby will survive for 10 minutes in the crib while you step outside to get fresh air and a break from the crying and no one touching me omg-i-want-one-second-where-no-one-is-trying-to-get-a-single-thing-from-me.
layered bob says
no help on the cluster feeding; my daughter ate 18-22x/day until 9 weeks at which point she abruptly decided 8-10 meals were all she wanted. She’s only 15 weeks now but that endless feeding already seems so long ago. Eat lots of calories yourself and just ride it out.
also second taking baby on a walk in a wrap or sling (put a big jacket over both of you if it’s cold, but don’t worry too much about keeping baby warm – your body heat will do a fine job). When she’s having trouble getting good naps I just walk and walk – for a while she would wake up the second I stopped waking so I’d walk very slowly for an hour around our neighborhood. Also worked when she couldn’t fall asleep – at first I thought “she doesn’t like this” because she didn’t fall asleep immediately in the wrap, but I learned it took ten minutes (two full laps around our block) to settle her.
Jmds says
Oh my lord. My sympathies. You are a rockstar mama for sticking it out.
layered bob says
oh I was SO cranky about it. But I kept reminding myself that it is really such a short time that she would need me with that intensity… even though it seemed like it would never end. I did just laugh and laugh at all the books that said, “Don’t worry! Your baby needs to eat frequently – maybe even 12x/day!” “Even” twelve times lol. That would have been a starvation day for my baby.
anon says
Baby K’tan and a pacifier. Ours wouldn’t tolerate the k’tan at first without a pacifier/would just root around, but with it he just fell asleep after a couple minutes. It was amazing amazing amazing.
MDMom says
Yep to the ktan plus walking. You may also be able to make nursing work in ktan-freeing up your hands will make you much happier. Load up a kindle with fun stuff to read while nursing. Basically you have to ride out the cluster feeding as other posters said. Sleeping during day- all the happiest baby on the block stuff helps (swaddle, paci, white noise, movement etc). Just know that 6-8 weeks is often the hardest time. It will get better!
NewMomAnon says
Yuck, such a rough period. I had a kiddo who refused to sleep anywhere but ON ME. BTW, she now sleeps like a dream, so this is not a permanent situation!
Two things that helped me: Wonderweeks (helped to know a bad period was coming/ending), and side-lying nursing with a cushy pillow behind my back so I could doze off as baby nursed. Also – dad will likely have an easier time with bottle than you will. You should actually leave the room; tell hubs that you are going to sleep for 4 hours, here is a bottle and some formula, and then disappear.
Anon says
Read up on safe co-sleeping so you can nurse side-lying and nap when she naps. Otherwise, park yourself in front of the tv with a stack of holiday movies and snacks and nurse away. Growth spurt will likely only last a few days.
BKDC says
That was my experience. Lots of walking helped, and just generally being out and about. I found a bar that opened at 2, and I organized a mommy meet-up/happy hour for the early afternoon (way before the bar got crowded). It was the only way I could feel more like myself. You’re doing great, mamma!