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When I was pregnant, I absolutely lived in this top (or one of the same brand but similar style). It looks nice under a blazer or sweater and it covers your shoulders, but it’s sleeveless enough that when you (inevitably) overheat, you can take your top layer off to cool down. The split neckline is flattering and not too low, and the length is long. This one comes in nine different colors, and I would definitely recommend getting more than one! It’s $34.98 at Macy’s, available in sizes XS–XL, but with promo code VIP, it’s $24.49. Split-Neck Tunic Building a maternity wardrobe for work? Check out our page with more suggestions along both classic and trendy/seasonal lines. This post contains affiliate links and CorporetteMoms may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 4.18.24
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And — here are some of our latest threadjacks of interest – working mom questions asked by the commenters!
- If you’re a working parent of an infant with low sleep needs, how do you function at work when you’re in the throes of baby’s sleep regression?
- Should I cut my childcare down to 12 hours a month if I work from home?
- Will my baby have speech delays if we raise her bilingual?
- Has anyone given birth in a teaching hospital?
- My child eats everything, and my friends’ kids do not – how should I handle? In general, what is the best way to handle when your child has some skill/ability and your friend’s child doesn’t have that skill/ability?
- ADHD moms, give me your tips to help with things like behavior in the classroom, attention to detail, etc?
- I think I suffer from mom rage…
- My husband and kids are gone this weekend – how should I enjoy my free time?
- I’m struggling to be compassionate with a SAHM friend who complains she doesn’t have enough hours of childcare.
- If you exclusively formula fed, what tips do you have for in the hospital and coming home?
- Could I take my 4-yo and 8-yo on a 7-8 day trip to Paris, Lyon, and Madrid?
Anon says
I really like this top, probably because it’s a maternity version of clothes I would wear pre-pregnancy.
(Perhaps I am not coping well with the changes my body is going through, but it helps me a lot to try to keep my pre-pregnancy style.)
GCA says
I like this top too! And yes it’s a maternity version of something I’d wear when not pregnant. I found that my non-pregnant style (sharp with a bit of tomboy: slim trousers, button-downs, pointed flats or oxfords) didn’t work so well on my pregnant body. To be comfortable and look good (and thereby feel confident) I had to dress for my shape, so even though I felt like a fish out of water in dresses, that’s what I wore. Honestly though, by the end of the 3rd trimester, I was so hot and uncomfortable and fed up of all my clothes regardless of what I was wearing.
Ashley says
Any experience using parents’ night out at daycare? Ours offers it every so often on a Friday night from closing time until 10 pm. I want to take advantage of it as a cheap way to have childcare for a date night (and with a familiar provider). But I worry about messing up my toddler’s bedtime. I should just do it, right? We never let him stay up more than 30 min past bedtime but are desperate for a date night and keep striking out finding sitters.
Anonanonanon says
What time does your child go to bed, and do they usually stay down pretty well? We have the best luck- and most enjoyable time out- just booking a sitter to come once we’ve put our child to bed ourselves. This works because our toddler has a very early bedtime, but it is so much less stressful to us than having to worry about how they’re doing, if the sitter has managed to get them down, or dreading picking them up from an offsite location and getting them home and to bed.
Anonymous says
Do it. Kids are more adaptable than we give them credit for.
Anon says
It’s probably kid dependent, but mine is DONE after 9 hours in daycare, and personally we’re pretty strict about bedtime. My DD would be much happier with a sitter, even an unfamiliar one, at home than staying at daycare for 4+ hours after being there all day. Agree that if his bedtime is early enough you can leave after he’s down, if not, you can hire the sitter as a “mother’s helper” for a weekend afternoon or two so he can get familiar with them before you actually attempt to leave.
Anonymous says
Oh interesting! When we do it (nearly every month I love it) we pick Bitsy up as early as we can, usually 5, take her home for dinner, bath, pajamas, and drop her off at day care again for “fun movie night with your friends!” at 7 on our way to dinner, then get her again around 9.
Anonymous says
This could be really age dependent. If movies were involved my almost four year old (who goes to bed around 7:30) would be super excited and all in. Under 3, she wouldn’t have wanted to go back at all and would have been pretty upset about it.
Ashley says
I would love to do it this way!! For us, the length of the commute between home and daycare just makes it impossible.
RR says
Just do it. My kids LOVED parents night out when we were still in daycare. And, they encouraged them to sleep, so it really wasn’t too bad. Usually, kiddos would be sleeping on cots when we arrived for pick up, and it wasn’t too hard to transfer them to bed at home. Just talk to the provider about your wish to prioritize a bedtime, and they can at least try. If it’s a disaster, then you know.
Anonymous says
Do it, with the following caveat: if you have an early morning or high-stakes plans on Saturday and won’t be able to get the schedule back on track, tread carefully. Otherwise, just plan on having a laid back morning and making sure there’s a solid naptime set aside for Saturday.
Our elementary school’s after care also offers these and my son begs to go to them. Like, once last year, we let him go even though we didn’t have anything planned, and were in fact home with the younger kids.
Ashley says
Thanks everybody! Kiddo is not quite 2 (22 months) and bedtime is usually between 7:30 and 8 pm. He LOVES his daycare teachers and friends, and we already know at least 2 of his classmates will be at the next parents night out. We have no plans for Saturday. Kiddo has been sleeping really well lately since we did a round of sleep training about a month ago. I’m terrified of messing it up. I haven’t tried to do a transfer from car to bed in over a year because it went so poorly the last time, but obviously we’re in a very different place than we were a year ago. I would prefer to get a babysitter at home but finding one in our area has been difficult to say the least. I think I’m going to give it a try, and if it’s awful then we’ll know!
anon says
Definitely do it! You can pick him up a little early if you want, but it will be super fun. My kids loved PNO – something about being at school but with limited people and in the dark made it super fun.
anon says
Do it. It’s really worth it. My current daycare doesn’t do these, and I miss having that option! My experience is that the center makes it really fun for the kids and it’s more like a giant party than daycare. You might pay for it, a bit, but if you plan on a slow morning at home it shouldn’t be awful. i say that as someone who was pretty regimented about my toddlers’ sleep schedules.
AMama says
We’ve done this several times with our 22 month old (at various ages) with great success. He likes that it is a familiar location and familiar people. Ours is on Saturday night (which helps with the not being at daycare all day) and the proceeds benefit the teachers which is a nice way to support them. Good luck!
Ashley says
I wish ours would do Saturdays! Our old daycare also sometimes did Parents’ Day Out or Morning Out where they’d open on Saturday 10-2 or 8-12ish. This was particularly helpful one Saturday in November for holiday shopping. Thinking I may suggest these options for the current center.
Wanderlust says
DH and I are expecting our first baby in early December. I keep going back and forth about whether hiring a doula is necessary (for either during labor or the first few days at home with baby). FWIF, both sets of parents will be nearby. Thoughts and anecdotes?
Anonymous says
My parents are 5 mins away and I found a doula very valuable. During the birthing process, she was very familar with the labor and delivery area and knew what was available to me in terms of alternatives to pain medication. She was a really calm and centering presence when DH was a bit overwhelmed by seeing me in pain and feeling like he couldn’t help. A doula is solely focused on your needs. For post-partum work they won’t come over and hold the baby so you can unload the dishwasher, they will unload the dishwasher while you get to snuggle the baby (or vice versa if that’s what you want). They can also be great at helping you understand baby gear. I learned to swaddle the baby and how to tie my wrap from my doula. Grandparents either aren’t familiar with how to put a baby in a car seat, or it’s been a long time and they’ve forgotten.
Anonanonanon says
What are you hoping to get out of the doula? (Not asking to be snarky, asking because that may help provide answers)
Anon says
I had no need for paid help because my parents stayed with us for two weeks after the baby was born. My dad helped a bit with household chores like dog walking, but my mom was a godsend who kept DH and me fed and helped a ton with the baby. She didn’t do night wake ups but her help allowed us to sleep a lot during the day, so waking up a lot at night was manageable. By two weeks I was physically recovered, had nursing down, and baby was sleeping longer stretches, so we survived when she left. It’s funny, we just kind of picked two weeks out of thin air, but it turned out to be the perfect amount of time. Without her help, I would have wanted paid help, especially for the first week.
I didn’t see the point of a doula for labor because I wanted all the dr*gs and I knew I was going to follow doctor recommendations if they suggested a c section.
Wanderlust says
Your last sentence is a good point. I want all of the drugs and will do whatever the doctors suggest. I think I’m mostly interested in having someone attend to my needs and advocate on my behalf instead of having my husband do it.
AwayEmily says
A doula could in some cases also be helpful in making sure you GET the drugs. For my second kid, I had a terrible nurse (it was her first day on the job) who didn’t notice that I was going through transition, and so I ended up not having time to get an epidural, even though my entire birth plan consisted of “get an epidural like I did with my first kid.” I was not happy with this outcome. But I think this is likely pretty rare. So, maybe it depends on your tolerance for risk and whether you have enough $$ for a doula.
Anonymous says
I also had something similar. On my first, I apparently wasn’t screaming enough so they didn’t think I was that far along. Finally, they checked me and I was 7cm dilated. Luckily, there was still time for an epidural. I was a first time mom and they didn’t believe me re pain because I wasn’t puking and screaming. Had a doula with my second birth.
Anonymous says
+1. I went drug-free for the birth but wanted Advil afterwards for pain from severe tearing. It was offered exactly once, after which I was apparently supposed to keep track of the timing and request it myself on schedule. I didn’t know that and was a sleep-deprived wreck, so I only ever got the one dose. Not that the doula would have been there for that, but it’s an example of how you can’t assume that you will be offered pain management.
Anonymous says
Then I don’t think you need one. If you want drugs and trust your doctor you’re good. To me it’s just a stranger without a medical degree messing in my affairs.
Anon says
Honestly, if you get an epidural you’ll probably be perfectly capable of advocating for yourself. I was never in any serious pain in labor and was perfectly capable of telling the doctors what I wanted and why. In fact, I convinced them to give me a lower dose of a medicine than the doctor on call had initially proposed. And I’m not someone who’s normally very assertive or great at standing up for myself. I think the idea of needing someone else to advocate for you is really if you plan to go through labor (especially transition) without pain meds and may be really out of it.
Anon says
This was very similar to my situation. I knew I would prefer a c-section (and actually ended up with a scheduled C given some other health conditions that popped up). And I wanted all of the meds. Plus I am very good about advocating for myself and have a lot of experience in hospitals (bleh). My mom stayed with us for 2 weeks and slept downstairs with me (DH was only able to take a week off) and brought the baby to me. She helped make sure I was fed and and had a little time to myself each day. My inlaws are local and were not at all helpful – they didn’t want to hold the baby if she cried, didn’t do any housekeeping and generally did not want to be unsupervised with kiddo. So it probably depends on what kind of actual help you think you will get.
Anonymous says
comfort level with hospitals is an important point. I had never stayed overnight at a hospital until I was in labor – the whole hospital thing was intimidating for me, DH had not stayed overnight at this hospital either prior to baby, and it was definitely a factor in choosing a doula who was very familiar with my hospital.
JTM says
I hired a doula and I’m so thankful I did – I had a 36hr labor that ended in c-section. My doula was with me for about 24hrs of it (labored at home overnight in the beginning), and she did not leave my side through my C-section. My husband turned out to be a great support (which was something I was worried about initially) but my doula was skilled in helping me change positions, using various breathing techniques, etc. 10/10 would recommend and plan to hire another doula for my current pregnancy.
CapHillAnon says
You just don’t know what kind of birth you’re going to have. You just don’t know. Every person is different, every pregnancy is different, every birth is different. A doula can be invaluable or not. I gave birth three times (v@ginal hospital birth, unmedicated homebirth, and planned c-section, so I have had some experience). I hired a doula for only one of the births, but wished I had hired a doula for all my births. She was steady, supportive, and knowledgeable at a time that I was vulnerable, suggestible, and frightened (even though I’d done it before, had an unflappable + supportive husband with me, and had no major complications). But that’s me. Your experience may be the same as mine, but it may not be. People will swear up and down that their experience is the Way It Is, yes doulas are essential or no they are a waste of money, but the truth is you won’t know until your labor is underway. You have to figure out your risk comfort and take a chance. Good luck; it isn’t easy cutting through all the advice and fervent opinions!
AwayEmily says
+1, this is so well put.
Anonymous says
If you are comfortable with the idea of a doula, I would hire a good one no matter what your birth plan is. The doula’s job is to support you no matter what happens. I know women who have had doulas for drug-free births, births with planned and unplanned epidurals, and planned and unplanned c-sections, and every one of them has been grateful for the experienced support and guidance throughout what can be an overwhelming and scary process. A spouse or partner just isn’t equipped to provide that type of support, and may need some support themself.
Quail says
Anecdote: My first labor was very fast and I would have had a (very) unintentional homebirth had the doula not told me to go to the hospital moments after she arrived. So, did I get my money’s worth for the 20 mins of labor and 2ish hours of postpartum recovery (basically she left when I went from delivery to recovery)? I’d say yes, and my husband, thankful he did not have to deliver our son, would say 1000x yes. We just didn’t know anything about what was happening, and it was essential to have had at least one person there who had, you know, seen a birth.
I’ve hired one for my second because I want someone additional to advocate for me at the hospital. I want another unmedicated birth, and have particular preferences about the birth based on my first experience, and I don’t want to keep explaining those preferences to nurses who may or may not be OK with them, new to the job, or whatever. And my husband doesn’t want to take on 100% of that role either. The doulas I hired are very familiar with the hospital and its protocols to know what I might have to push for and what will be no problem.
I’m on the crunchy side and therefore chose a crunchy doula – but there were some I interviewed that were much less crunchy. Overall, they are advocates for moms having good birth experiences – they want you to have the birth you want, drugs or not, C-section or not, and can help you through the disappointment if it doesn’t go the way you thought. That’s their job, and you can find someone who will work with you and support you. That said, a good nurse can often perform the exact same role. You just don’t know what nurse you are going to get, what OB will be on call, etc.
I didn’t have any postpartum help the first time (family or paid) except the lactation consultant, and that was just fine. This time we have family coming soon after, but that’s mostly to help with my older child.
ElisaR says
I didn’t wind up using my doula but I would still recommend it. (My water broke and labor didn’t start for 36 hours so they gave me a C – section).
A doula will advocate for you in a way a partner or parent cannot. They are experienced in doing this. Your parents and SO love you so much but they have no (or little) experience in a birthing experience. If you can swing it, the doula is a positive for sure. Labor is all about YOU and they help ensure you have a good experience (honestly, the hospital doesn’t really care in the same way).
navychica says
Totally anecdotal… but I could have spent the money elsewhere. It was over $1000, and I really felt that she didn’t do anything other than getting an ice pack for my head. I am not crunchy in the slightest; I wanted to wait on an epidural to avoid a cascade of interventions, not because you get a cookie for having a “natural” birth. Anyways, epidural at 9 cm with an urgent C-section 30 minutes later, and doula kind of just stood in the background the whole time. I never really felt that I needed her to advocate for me, and was just kind of confused about the fuss where people insist that you need one.
ElisaR says
due to a c-section…. that was my experience as well. I think v-births are likely a little different.
Anon says
I ended up with a c-sec (after pushing without success for several hours). I still say my doula was worth it. Some are great and some are terrible, just like in any profession. My doula knew questions to ask that I didn’t. She knew that there were other options and asked me if I’d like to hear them from the docs before making a decision. She knew where the vending machine was on another floor when it was midnight and I needed some caffeine and the cafeteria was closed. She knew I needed a cool washcloth on my forehead when I was pushing. She devised a pushing/pulling technique to help me try to get the baby out. She told my husband how to help. She kept him calm while I went into the OR. She told him what to watch for for PPD that is more common with c-sec patients. She was also a lactation consultant and got my son latching right away. And that’s just the stuff I can think of almost 2 years later. Was mine phenomenal? I think so, but I believe OP can find a great one too. We interviewed others who we didn’t like as much. Just had to keep looking.
ElisaR says
That’s great!
Anonymous says
Totally spouse and your own personality dependent. Do you like working with a trainer at the gym? Does your DH have
the ability to be your own”trainer” and advocate? Are you ok being a vocal self advocate? If yes, then you don’t need one.
I did t have and didn’t need one, but I met so.many.people that either had a disappointing birth experience because they didn’t have someone’s (self or DH) lobbying hard for them.
I preferred a natural birth but was fine with an epi if it came it it. I got an epi. DH asked me twice and then made it happen.
No regrets. The second and third time I was far more OK with an epi.
rosie says
We hired a labor doula and then used post-partum doulas for some overnights, and I highly recommend both. Here’s my advice:
I had an induction for low fluid and then a v birth w/epidural with a practice with many different docs. My doula was great, she came to the hospital about 10-12 hrs after the induction started when things were picking up. (Note, when we called to say that the dr said induction based on fluid levels, the doula on call asked what the levels were, but I was not interested in pushing back on my dr on this issue — doula was 100% fine with that decision.) I was not opposed to getting the epidural and my doula helped me decide when I wanted to do that, and once it was placed, she stayed with me while I napped, helping me change positions periodically and allowing my husband to sleep without feeling like I was alone. She made great suggestions but was never pushy about them, just helped me think through options. Also, my preference was for my parents not to be in the delivery room, but they were in the hospital, so our doula helped keep them informed so we wouldn’t have to worry.
As for the post-partum doula, I think that’s one where you can have some names on hand and then see what you need, since you know you’ll have some help in the early weeks. My parents were with us so daytime stuff was not as big of a deal — they helped with chores, would let me nap, etc. — but having someone 1-2x/week for night help the first month or two was great. It is so important to find someone you trust if you go this route, we ended up with one person that we loved, one person that was fine, and then other people that we tried once but caused me to sleep worse because I was anxious about having a stranger in the house and just didn’t click with them for whatever reason.
Anon says
If you are planning on an epidural, you probably don’t need one. I was really worried about childbirth but found the medical staff amazing and the epidural eliminated my pain during labor and even allowed me to nap. I was lucky and pushed for 30 min. Everyone has a different experience but sometimes it’s not so bad and a doula is not at all necessary.
NYCer says
If you’re going to use an epidural, then honestly I would spend the money on a few nights of a baby nurse once you are home from the hospital.
EB0220 says
Agree that if you are going for unmedicated birth, a doula is 100% worthwhile. Even if you think you *might* want to go without an epidural, it’s probably a good idea. I personally would recommend a doula to everyone just because it’s nice to have someone who has more experience with childbirth than you do. She will have more data on what is “normal” and that’s nice. But it’s less important if you are definitely planning on an epidural. However, you never know what kind of labor you’ll have. My 2nd was born in 3 hours and I wouldn’t have had time for an epi even if I’d planned on it. So you just never know.
Also: post-partum doula = amazing and wonderful.
Anonymous says
Due in mid-January with my first baby and hiring a doula was one of the first things I did. I knew I wanted one long before I got pregnant. Some of the reasons why: my husband is military and there was a chance he could be gone (thankfully this won’t be the case), I have anxiety (situations where I don’t know what to expect and/or are not in control are a trigger) and wanted an experienced birth partner to help me navigate the process who works for me and has no agenda, and I have a desire to attempt an unmedicated birth (though I’ll ultimately be accepting of however this plays out).
Anonymous says
Oh, and for what it’s worth, I have no local family, however having anyone in my family other than my husband present for the birth would never be on the table, regardless of location.
Military/doula says
I’m trying to determine if I want a doula as well and I’m wondering if you have any thoughts on how having a military SO impacted your decision. My husband is kind of a classic intense Army vet/West Pointer, and while he is awesome at navigating intense/scary situations I’m wondering if he’ll be intuitive enough to help me through labor. I like the idea of a doula because it’d be great to have someone who knows what to expect who could maybe offer assistance without me knowing what I need/needing to ask. Do you have any thoughts on that?
navychica says
Not the person you were replying to, but I have some insight on this one. My husband’s a Naval Academy grad, and I’m former active duty myself, so I’m very familiar with the type lol. We hired the doula in case he couldn’t make the birth due to military commitments.
I didn’t find that I needed guidance through labor? He and my doula were able to find me a heating pad for my back and an ice pack for my head. I squeezed the crap out of his hand during every contraction until I got the epidural. Epidural was placed at 9 cm, and I was pulled back for a C-section a little afterwards, once I was pushing, so I do think I saw enough of labor to make a call on whether the doula was a good investment for me. I felt the $1000 was worth the peace of mind of not being alone, but I’m not hiring one for my second child, now that we’re out of the military.
If you want a medicine-free birth, it’d probably be worth it to you.
Military/doula says
Beat Navy, but…..this is super helpful, thanks. Definitely not looking for a drug-free birth, just want to make it for a while pre-epidural so hopefully things keep progressing once I get one.
The one scenario I really DON’T want to do is C section after I’ve started pushing – it sounds like you basically deliver both ways! One or the other, please. Do you think that made recovery harder?
Navychica says
I think it did make recovery harder, but we really didn’t have any warning signs prior. I got one push in, her heart rate plummeted, I got one more push with about a dozen more people in the room before we were pulled back to the OR. Considering she was over 9 pounds and her head was in the 97th percent, I don’t think I could have pushed her out quickly enough with how she was doing.
Recovery was easier in some ways; no issue with my first BM like some people have, no tearing obviously. I’m 4 months with my second and aiming for a VBAC, but I won’t be devastated or anything if I end up with another C.
Military/doula says
Thanks, I appreciate the insight :)
Anon says
From what I can tell, it’s fairly easy to get a post-part I’m doula on short notice. So you can scout out options and maybe even fill out the relevant paperwork but wait to actuallly engage the person until baby is born and you have a better idea of what help you actually need and actually are getting from family
Anon says
I think it depends on your goals. If you want a pain med-free birth it’s probably worth it, but I think it would have been a waste on my standard, uneventful labor with an epidural. Nothing happened that I wasn’t already familiar with from my research. Not sure if the doulas help with breastfeeding support, that may be helpful if you are planning to breastfeed. Otherwise at home I wanted to be alone with my husband and baby.
Anonymous says
+1 I found that the nurses at my hospital performed all the tasks discussed above. But I was pro-epidural. If I wasn’t, I think a doula would have been more valuable.
Anon says
+1 on wanting to be at home alone with my husband and baby when we got home. Not to invalidate those that want or got the extra help from a doula or have family staying with them right away, I can totally understand why that would be an attractive option. This is just a know-your-personality type of situation. I knew my personality was such that I would just want it to be us three in our home (except for immediate family short term visitors), & I didn’t regret that decision (even with an unplanned c-section). Doesn’t mean that’s right for everyone, but just wanted to offer the thought that it’s possible.
Anonymous says
I think the distinction between birth doula and postpartum doula needs to be emphasized. I absolutely needed a birth doula because there was no way I could trust my husband to advocate for me. I did not really want a postpartum doula in my house during the early days, though.
rosie says
Sure, and we generally felt this way with regard to family staying with us, but it’s not an all or nothing thing with a pp doula. It can be one night a week or whatever. I was EPing so my husband was handling a lot of night wakings while I pumped, so a night doula basically made it so he could sleep through the night — that was a nice thing for him to get once a week.
anon says
Agree with most of this. Like a poster above, I knew I wanted all of the available drugs and would have a c-section if that is what the doc recommended. My nurses were also excellent and I don’t really think a doula would have added much. Post birth, we had (and wanted) family around to help, so I didn’t end up with a postpartum doula. I did have an LC come by a few times but that was it.
AwayEmily says
My 3.5 year old is still in her crib, and still wearing pull-ups at night, but she’s been increasingly uncomfortable (and sometimes leaking) in the morning. So, we are using this as a signal that it is probably time to transition her to her “big kid bed” (ie, take the side off the convertible crib) and let her get herself up and go to the bathroom in the morning (we are going to keep her in pullups for awhile, though).
Our plan right now is to tell her she is allowed to get up and use the bathroom, but then she needs to go back to her bed and stay there until her clock turns green. I don’t expect this to work perfectly right away, but for those of you who use the OK to Wake clock with your post-crib kids, does this seem like a reasonable plan?
Anonymous says
My kids were not able to reliably use the bathroom themselves at night until they were around 5-6 years old. Thankfully they generally day and night trained around the same time at age 3 but when they did wake up at night, they always came to get us for help pottying. Plus, sometimes when they were unsettled at night, I found they basically needed a ‘sleep pee’. They were unsettled because they had to pee but they had a hard time waking up enough to get themselves to the bathroom.
I think other ppl have posted that they had better luck getting their kids to potty by themselves at night earlier though so you might have better luck than we did.
AwayEmily says
I can definitely see that middle-of-the night bathroom trips would be tough cause they are so sleepy. Maybe this is unrealistic but i’m hoping that she’ll only get up to use the bathroom in the morning, and that if it’s the middle of the night, she’ll just continue using her pull-up like she has been.
Anonymous says
How does she know if it’s the middle of the night or the morning though? You mentionned that she has to go back to bed until her clock is green but she wouldn’t know if it’s 1:30am or 6:30am if it’s only green at 7am. You might have better luck telling her that she can get up and go to the bathroom by herself as soon as her light is green but that assumes she’s motivated to do that vs. just use her pull up.
Anonymous says
That’s the whole point of the OK to wake clock, though. She doesn’t know whether it’s 1:30 or 6:30, but she knows that she has to go back to bed until the clock turns green at 7:00.
Anonymous says
Right, but OP is expecting that she just use her pullup if it’s the middle of the night but get up and potty if it’s morning but her okay to wake light isn’t on yet (in top post she says it will be an exception to the no getting out of bed rule), but my point is that the kid can’t tell if it’s the middle of the night and she can use her pullup or if it’s morning and she should get up and potty but has to go back to bed until green. Seems confusing for a 3 year old.
AwayEmily says
I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t “expect” her to do anything — that if she WANTS to get up and go to the bathroom (either in the middle of the night or in the morning) she is welcome to, as long as she goes back to bed immediately. If she doesn’t want to do that (either in the middle of the night or the morning), she can use her pullup.
Realistically I don’t think she will suddenly start waking up in the middle of the night and want to go to the bathroom, because she has never done that before. I think the more likely scenario is that she will wake up at 6am, then she can decide whether she wants to go to the bathroom or use her pullup.
Anonymous says
If she’s fussing about it, support her in being fully potty trained even if it’s inconvenient.
AwayEmily says
So far she has not expressed any interest in stopping using pull-ups at night, so I’m a little unwilling to push that on her before she’s ready.
RNMP says
3 yo had the side of her crib removed last year. She’s now fully potty trained but we leave the potty in the bedroom at night so she doesn’t have to get out. There was definitely a transition period when she would roam in her room for a while in the evening or I would find a bunch of books in her bed in the morning. It eventually subsided and now sometimes she gets up on her own in the middle of the night or early morning and settles back in her bed. We don’t have an Okay to Wake clock but the understanding is that if we dark outside she has to go back to bed.
AwayEmily says
Interesting, I hadn’t thought about putting the little potty back in her room. That’s not a bad idea.
CCLA says
We kept a little potty in DD’s room too for the first couple months of potty training. She would wake up and use it in the middle of the night with no fanfare, it was super easy. I wanted to encourage her in ditching the little one, so a couple of weeks ago we put it away. Now she comes to our room for help whenever she wakes at night to go to the bathroom, even though she uses it independently during the day…I’m hoping that’s something she’ll grow out of shortly, but for now it’s easy to get up help her and send her back to bed. She seems to sense when it’s late night vs middle of the night (probably based on whether DH and I are still awake), because if it’s like 11pm she’ll go without help.
Anonymous says
My son was not potty trained at night until later, but when we took him out of the crib at 3, he would not get up in the morning until we came an got him for a solid 6 months. He would call for us to come get him out just as he did when he was in the crib. YMMV. He potty trained late – 3.5 – and we thought night training would take forever. Suddenly he started waking up in a dry pullup when he was 4. He almost never needs to go in the middle of the night and can hold it for a few minutes when he gets up too. But I also know from experience that my son would rather pee on the floor in his room than go to the toilet and back to his room alone when he wakes up in the morning – he’s scared to be alone in there. All this to say, I think it is hard to predict!
Anonymous says
Ok to wake worked very well for our kiddo at 3 when he moved to bed. However, bathroom trips on his own (which didn’t start till 4) are not great — wakes him up too much to go neck to sleep, and would either take forever in the bathroom or wander the house at 5 am. If you haven’t tried carrying her to the bathroom to pee just before you go to bed, I really recommend it – barely wakes up and then doesn’t need to wake up fully to pee at 4 in the morning, resulting in better sleep and correlated better behavior.
anon says
What kind of pull-up is she wearing? You might try a bigger pull-up. My kids used underjams, which were meant for bigger kids with bigger bladders, and never had an issue with leaking (my oldest wore these until he was 6).
anon says
Red alert!! My two year old can (safely) get out of his crib and thinks its a super fun game to get out and run around the house at bedtime. He shares a room with his 5 year old sister, who passes out at 8pm (thank you, kindergarten!). Um, so what’s next? Do I convert his crib to a toddler bed? He is really exploring his new independence and testing our boundaries and patience. We didn’t transition my daughter till she was 3.5, so I feel totally unprepared.
RR says
Yep. Time for the toddler bed.
Anonymous says
When this happened with our twins, we dropped the mattresses to the floor and added half inch by 6″ board all the way around inside the crib (screwed in tight). But we had inexpensive cribs we were not planning to use for beds. They lasted until that until age 4.
Anon says
We switched to the toddler bed at 17.5 months because of that. Just gate the door (assuming the five year old can open the gate). And maybe let his sister sleep elsewhere for a week or two if possible until he gets used to the new freedom. And then pray he doesn’t learn how to open the gate until much older (my kiddo figured out how to pop it open from the bottom right around 2.
Anon says
+1. We switched to twin bed and gate on the door when they escaped around 16-18 months. Kids share a room too. We have a rule that if they cant sleep, they can read in bed with a flashlight as late as they want to, but they have to stay in bed (unless it’s a bathroom run, which must be quiet and not involve turning on lights). That’s worked wonders for keeping them in their room – they get to choose if and when they fall asleep, and they get to choose from the 5 books they put on their side shelf before bed. Before age 2, we got a bunch of lift-the-flap and pop-up books (which didn’t survive, but worth the sacrifice), and a bunch of character board books with their favorite TV cartoons like Batman and Paw Patrol.
Ashley says
I’m planning to try putting the mattress on the floor when this happens to me. If you go this route, just make sure there’s no gap between the top of the mattress and the bottom of the crib frame (depends on how yours is made) so kiddo won’t get stuck in the gap. I’m guessing this is why anon at 10:01 added the board.
Anonymous says
At what age would you be comfortable bringing a child to a family friendly ballet matinee? It’s specifically advertised as a special family performance. Trying to decide if inviting my fave 2 3/4 year old is wise.
Cate says
Hmm I took my daughter to the big Nutcracker at 3 3/4 and she loved it. I think you might need one more year, but I’m also a fan of giving things a try and seeing if they stick? Depends how expensive the tickets are! My son loves shows of all kinds – he could probably have done it.
RR says
I took my youngest to Nutcracker when she was 3 for the first time. I’ve since taken her to even longer classical ballets–the worst that has happened is she fell asleep in the third act once. I would have taken her to the special family performance at 2 without question–usually they are shorter, involve lots of breaks to get up and dance too, and have a lot of understanding attendees. If you are worried, you could prioritize an aisle seat for a quick getaway, but I think you’ll be fine.
GCA says
We took the big kid to his dance school’s mini Nutcracker (about 1h) last year, but he was 3.5. I think he was just barely able to sit through it, but when he was transfixed he was completely transfixed.
Anon says
Is it a more formal show like the Nutcracker or is it a kid-themed show specifically designed for children? Either way, you’ll probably be fine at this point, but if it’s the latter there will probably be people there with infants and 1 year olds so I wouldn’t worry at all.
SC says
My in-laws took my son and his cousin to a family friendly (and abbreviated) performance of the Nutcracker last year. They were both 3.5. Apparently, it was a disaster. Neither kid was interested, and both wanted to get up and roam. After 20 minutes, they left and brought the kids to our house to play (which was fine).
avocado says
This is entirely kid-dependent. My daughter attended her first full-length professional production of the Nutcracker at exactly that age and handled it just fine. I know other kids who still can’t sit through an entire movie at age 13.
If the production is labeled as family-friendly I would try it out and be prepared to leave early if it’s a disaster. Not because the kid will be disturbing others (audience noise is expected at family-friendly productions), but because it will be no fun for you to sit there with a squirming, whining kid.
Spirograph says
I took my kids to the mini-Nutcracker at this age. They got wiggly after about a half hour, but they were not the only wiggly kids in the audience. If you go to a performance advertised for families, you lose the moral high ground to side eye anyone who’s there with kids doing kid things. People will understand and overlook normal toddler antics, as long as you’re making a good faith effort and not letting him/her be hugely disruptive. Sit near the aisle, and better yet, near an exit so you can make a quick escape if needed, but I think this is fine.
Getting to the end of that season now, but look for outdoor performances in your community! They are a perfect gateway for kids to get exposure to higher-brow entertainment before they can reliably sit in a chair for extended time.
CPA Lady says
I took my recently turned 2 year old to the family matinee of the full length nutcracker. And I’ve taken her ever year since. I found that bringing a large bag of small piece snacks (goldfish, teddy grahams, cheerios, etc.) was the best course of action. We’ve made it through the entire performance every year.
I also find it’s most helpful to take another adult who does not get stressed out by a kid being a kid. It went a lot smoother when I went with my ballet loving friend than it did with my husband, who for some reason (???) thinks that small children should be able to sit silently for a multiple hours long ballet performance. The audience was full of kids being kids.
Anonymous says
I have 3 girls. My oldest and youngest went to a nutcracker matinee at just-turned-4. They did well but really needed the intermission and were getting a little squirrelly at the end. My middle kiddo couldn’t make it through until she was 5.
Weird toddler complaint says
A couple times over the weekend my three yo complained his teeth hurt. Anyone have something similar happen? Not sure whether to take him to a doctor or a dentist or just wait it out. I checked and didn’t see anything wrong visually…
Anonymom says
I can’t remember where I read this but supposedly 3 is often an onset age for tmj/night tooth grinding. I think for most kids it goes away and is just a temporary thing.
Anonymous says
I’d wait a few days and then go to dentist. It could also be cavities? I mean tooth pain is pretty bad so I wouldn’t want my kid to suffer, but 3 year olds live in a weird reality so he could’ve also just heard something and is making it up?
OP says
That’s my fear! Also we are pretty okay at teeth brushing and neither my husband nor I are prone to cavities… but tooth pain is the worst and I don’t want him suffering!
Coach Laura says
Sinus headache/pressure and sinus infections make teeth hurt. Pretty common and I’ve had it. Does he have a cold, fever or anything like that?
Ifiknew says
How do I deal with the 4month sleep regression? I go back to work in 2 weeks and ds#2 is up every 90 mins to 2 hours looking for Paci. I insert Paci and feed maybe 3x night. He sleeps from 630 to 7 am.. He was doing one 5 hour stretch then up every 2 hours before this. Do I need to get rid of Paci and sleep train? He is 75%+ for weight and height…
AwayEmily says
YES that is exactly what you do! He’s the perfect age for it and it sounds like he’s definitely big enough. Good luck!
Anonymous says
Have you tried clusterfeeding in the evenings if it’s a growth spurt ? I used to feed between 6-9pm on and off (every 45mins – 1 hour) while watching tv, that ususally filled baby up enough for a stretch of about 6 hours which meant just one wake up overnight around 3am ish.
You can also try tylenol if it’s teething pain.
Op says
Im usually solo parenting my daughter and getting her dinner and putting her to bed so this baby has never had a chance to cluster feed :/ he cries if I try to offer both breasts, hell drain one then sucks for 2 seconds on the other and keeps pulling off which I think means he’s full? Ugh my daughter is 2.25 and is still not a great sleeper, some days she sleeps thru night and other days is up twice, so I want to be better with him but I just don’t know.
Anonymous says
Maybe cluster feed after your daughter is in bed? Or try a dream feed? I never had much luck with the dream feeding thing but I know others have. For cluster feeding, mine would drain one side, nap 20-30 mins on the BF pillow and then drain the other side.
Emily S. says
If he’s just looking for comfort sucking, more pacis might be the answer. With our second daughter, when she was in the sleep sack, we strategically placed about 6-8 glow-in-the-dark pacis around her crib at bedtime. A few by her head, a few by her hands, in addition to the two she clutched in her hands and the one in her mouth. It seemed extreme, but she was waking up a few times a night looking for a paci and we were exhausted. After a few nights, she figured out she could find her own pacis. That lasted until we “accidentally” left the pacis on vacation about a month ago, right before she turned 2.
sleep train! says
We used some sleep consultants for our twins and sleep trained at 4.5 months (4 months adjusted), right in the middle of the 4 month sleep regression (which they both had bad!). It was…the only way I felt prepared to go back to work, which I did at 5 months.
They got to 10-12 hours of sleep a night and three solid naps pretty quickly (sttn by day 3-4, naps “consolidated” two or three weeks after). We had some bumps with teething, adjusting room temperature, etc (its never perfect) but it is SO, SO much better than 2-3 wakeups a night.
I was dreading it and parts of it did suck but now it is really, really lovely because we have a nap schedule and a sleep schedule and I would say 90% of the time they sleep well, because of this they are happy and cheerful, and because we sleep we are able to parent them and also work and not feel like zombies. Sleep consultants definitely feel like part of the Parenting Industrial Complex but looking back on it (and thinking about the loads of sleep I got this weekend) I think for us – new parents, twins – it was completely worth it. The investment made us stick with the plan and the plan worked.
Ifiknew says
Thank you so much, which sleep consultant did you use?
sleep train! says
baby sleep pro. They send supportive emails after every nap and every night. I was a bit unhappy with the drop off in service at the end (we bought a two-week package but things did not really consolidate until three weeks, we had a bought of teething right in the middle), so make sure you know exactly what you are getting. But they really did work for us. The head person is/was a pediatrician, I found that comforting.
Anonymous says
Chocolate chip cookies were key for me
Ashley says
With the caveat that I haven’t used the program for babies this age, I love the approach of TakingCaraBabies! I started following on insta then bought the course for 5-24 months. May be worth checking out the class for 3-4 month olds.
pregnancy blues says
I’m about 30 weeks pregnant with my second and the extreme fatigue and general unwell feeling is wearing me down. Last time, I had some aches and pains by this point but felt pretty good overall. This time, with a preschooler and a more demanding job, not to mention living in a hotter part of the country, I’m feeling close to my breaking point. I feel like I can never get enough rest, my stomach never feels settled, I’m always out of breath, and I have little patience for my sweet but very spirited daughter. My husband is doing more than enough to pick up the slack, does most of household chores, gives me plenty of time on the weekends and evenings to rest, but it never feels like enough. I’m in pretty good shape, have gained the right amount of weight, eat as well as I can, and get a full nights sleep but . . . still feel terrible most days. Anyone else deal with this? Any strategies for making it through the next 10 weeks? This is busy season at work and I know it’s only going to get harder. FWIW, I don’t think I’m depressed but it is depressing to not feel well all the time. Thanks for any advice.
Ifiknew says
I am so sorry, it sounds like you are doing everything you can. it is just brutal at the end and the beginning of pregnancy. I just tried to keep busy and keep my mind off of how miserable I was. So many hugs, it should start to cool off here very soon and hopefully that will help. It sucks.
Emily S. says
I’m so sorry! Hopefully there are some little things you can do. Compression stockings and a foot stool at work can help keep your ankle swelling down and your legs a little less fatigued. All the ice water, all day (you probably feel like you are drinking enough, and you probably are, but it can keep you cool.) Small bites throughout the day to help keep your stomach settled. If ginger doesn’t help, try peppermint (tea and candies worked better for me.) Also, this is the time to relax the dress code: wear birkenstocks, sleeveless blouses, etc., whatever keeps you cool. Maybe a new outfit, even though it feels extravagant at this stage, so you feel more comfortable? Taking naps in your car or walks at lunch may help. I found that when I was feeling just depleted, exercise, like a walk or a yoga class, gave me energy. It also helped me shake the blues about my body and shape. Finally, have you talked to your ob about your symptoms?
So Anon says
I remember feeling exactly this way at 30 weeks with my second. With ten weeks left, I felt like I still had too far to go to say I was in the home stretch, but I had been pregnant for SO LONG. And I think there is something about chasing a toddler that just makes the second pregnancy harder. For what its worth, I remember this stretch of 30-32 weeks being the worst and longest. I was absolutely exhausted. Once I got a few weeks down the road, I felt like I could see the end, knew what was coming my way and was ready for it.
I completely agree with Emily S. – now is the time to find the comfort and all of the rest possible. I think it was about this point that I called uncle and went to sleep with my toddler, napped all the time, bought a few new clothes, and really tried to listen to my body. Can you go for a message? Ironically, I found that getting out for a walk everyday really helped. I hope you are somewhere where the weather cools soon, and that brings a bit of relief.
Anonymous says
So weird but I found weeks 30-32 of both my pregnancies really tiring. I swear it’s because the baby starts really picking up weight then. I’m also sorry and could’ve written this exact post this spring. I found that even though I was tired, planning special activities with my daughter before the baby arrived helped. It gave me something to look forward to and they were always fun, so there was little to no behavior issues on her part. We went to petting zoos, the zoo, swimming, splash parks, indoor play spaces etc…it’s a little crazy I did so much while so pregnant but it also alleviated some of my guilt about her transitioning to being an older sibling. Hang in there!!
Anonanonanon says
My second was so, so much worse than my first, I probably wrote this exact post on this board during that time. I took car naps at lunch and tried to get an afternoon walk in at work. Other than that, the only thing that helped was getting the baby out. I just fully leaned into it by the time I was past week 30. By that I mean I came home, stripped out of my work clothes, laid there exhausted from the act of getting undressed, then climbed into bed and propped myself up with pillows all around and watched netflix while drifting in and out of consciousness just waiting for it all to be over.
The good news is I felt like the postpartum period was easier the second time around because I was used to how exhausting being a parent is!
Anonymous says
I’m sorry, I had unending nausea and just hated pregnancy. If you haven’t already, please give yourself permission to be miserable. You don’t have to “fix” this and love it.
Anon says
100% this. I love my kid, but I hated being pregnant. I watched so many faces fall with a “how are you doing” and a “not great, frankly, but I hear the end result is worth it” response. You do not have to enjoy pregnancy (wallowing in my misery and focusing on the end helped me get through my 9 months of vomiting).
lsw says
Same. I wish I had told myself that a lot earlier instead of being so desperate to “fix” my pregnancy.
Anon says
I’m also in one of those hot parts of the country and just wiped out (20 weeks along). Electrolyte drinks help a lot – so I do plenty of water, but I try to have a small Gatorade or a Sword every day. Bananas help.
Anonymous says
Same here. Hot climate, 23 weeks, all I want to do is lay on the couch!
pregnancy blues says
Wow, thanks so much for all of these replies. Sometimes, it helps so much just to hear that others have gone through this, too, and to have my feelings validated. Even though I know it’s completely reasonable that all I want to do is nothing all day, every day, it’s still hard to accept it—I’m usually such an active person who likes to get things done! Thanks for making me feel better today.
Artemis says
Here’s another thought, if you check back . . . when I was 30 weeks pregnant with my 3rd, I hit the wall. My husband suggested I hire our babysitter for an hour every Wednesday, just so I could rest. I would pick up my kids from school, get home around 5:00, the babysitter would come right over and whisk the kids away (park, backyard, basement playroom, whatever you’ve got) and I would go straight to the couch and nap. Totally quiet house. She would bring the kids back at 6:00 and I would get up and proceed with making dinner, etc. etc. (my husband didn’t get home until later).
But just having that hour guaranteed, and that hour to look forward to in the middle of the week when I was most worn down, was AMAZING.
I feel you. You can do this. It sucks, but you can do it.
sleep train! says
We used some sleep consultants for our twins and sleep trained at 4.5 months (4 months adjusted), right in the middle of the 4 month sleep regression (which they both had bad!). It was…the only way I felt prepared to go back to work, which I did at 5 months.
They got to 10-12 hours of sleep a night and three solid naps pretty quickly (sttn by day 3-4, naps “consolidated” two or three weeks after). We had some bumps with teething, adjusting room temperature, etc (its never perfect) but it is SO, SO much better than 2-3 wakeups a night.
I was dreading it and parts of it did suck but now it is really, really lovely because we have a nap schedule and a sleep schedule and I would say 90% of the time they sleep well, because of this they are happy and cheerful, and because we sleep we are able to parent them and also work and not feel like zombies. Sleep consultants definitely feel like part of the Parenting Industrial Complex but looking back on it (and thinking about the loads of sleep I got this weekend) I think for us – new parents, twins – it was completely worth it. The investment made us stick with the plan and the plan worked.
anne-on says
PSA for anyone else who suffered through the arctic blast in the North last year. After suffering through one too many outdoor hockey/skating practices I finally gave in and ordered a Soia & Kyo puffer. It came today and that thing is SO WARM I was practically sweating in it in my living room. Look, its a down coat so it isn’t SUPER stylish, but I also think this threads the needle between ‘wearing a down comforter’ and ‘I’m freezing but its fashion!!’. Fwiw, the salesladies at Saks also swore that Mackage and Soia & Kyo are warmer than the Canada Goose ones.
https://www.soiakyo.com/us/en/camelia-slim-fit-brushed-down-coat-with-leather-trims/CAMELIA-N.html?dwvar_CAMELIA-N_color=COL120&cgid=women-bestsellers#start=1&cgid=women-bestsellers
Anonanonanon says
Omg I LOVE this!!! It looks so nice, thank you for sharing!
Anonanonanon says
Also, what color did you get? I usually go for agray winter coat because I actually find it’s easier to keep looking clean than a black one.
anne-on says
I got the grey which turned out to be a true mid-grey, not like a light silvery grey. I’m always a little wary of light colors but this seems dark enough to hide dirty water stains, while not being as dreary as a big black coat. The navy also looked nice (a brighter navy) but I wanted something more versatile.
Anonanonanon says
This is good to know, I was actually concerned the gray looked much lighter than I would normally choose, but it sounds like the photograph isn’t entirely accurate. Will likely end up splurging on this the first truly cold day in DC…
ElisaR says
so pretty! i have no need for a winter coat but i’m tempted…..
NYCer says
Thanks for this! I am in the market for a new parka and this one looks great.
RR says
This is gorgeous. I’ve got a 10 year old Eddie Bauer down coat that I don’t really have any reason to replace, but this is tempting.
GCA says
I have a slightly absurd amount of winter gear accumulated over a decade++ in the Northeast, but this is beautiful.
AwayEmily says
I like this one a lot. I also just finally found the down coat of my dreams: the new “women hybrid down ultra warm long coat” from uniqlo. It doesn’t have the “down comforter” look, it’s matte, it has a removable fur hood and it is RIDICULOUSLY WARM. And two hundred dollars, which is not bad.
Anonymous says
I love my uniqlo coat – a different one (older). I think they are great value for the $$.
lsw says
Ugh! I wish you hadn’t posted this! I was eyeing a very similar coat (maybe even the same one?) from this brand last year. Now I feel like I should just buy it…so, thank you? :)
Not Feelin It says
Guys… I’m so demoralized about my physical appearance. DD is 18 mos and we’re officially trying for #2. I was 25-ish lbs lighter when I got pregnant with #1. I’ve struggled with weight my whole life (thanks, PCOS) and have had a few successful stints on WW. Heck, I used to run half marathons for fun (not built like a lean runner, but I enjoyed the physical activity). That feels so far out of reach today. I was flipping through some pictures of me from the weekend and I just look absolutely awful. I have no motivation to lose the weight if I’m just going to blow up again with #2. I know it’s a season of life and I’m trying to be kind to myself, but I’m just … upset. Everything I put on this weekend was tight – bras, jeans, everything.
Tell me this will pass? That I can reclaim my body after #2 shows up?
Anonymous says
Buy. New. Clothes. Today. Srsly. There is no reason to be miserable in ill fitting uncomfortable clothes. Life is too short.
Anon says
100% this.
Anonanonanon says
This. Buying new clothes is not defeat.
If your budget can handle it, I’d actually recommend getting a clothing rental membership like rent the runway or ann taylor infinite style. Those were a godsend postpartum until my weight stabilized, and I think RTR has even increased their maternity options.
Anonymous says
TL/DR: Buy new clothes, and schedule exercise you enjoy. Really schedule it. For me, paying for a group exercise class series works best because I hate wasting money, so I’ll move things around and go when I’m not in the mood. Don’t watch the scale, just keep the placeholders for healthy habits and celebrate that you’re making time to prioritize your health.
Hugs, I know how you feel. Since you mention you enjoy the physical activity (irrespective of the side benefit of potential weight loss)… what are you doing these days? I haven’t lost much weight, but I am so much happier now that I have made it a priority to re-add some physical activity to my schedule. I’m not registering for any half marathons, but I feel 100% better after a quick 30 min run once the kids are in bed, or riding my bike to work, or a yoga class.
And yes, you can reclaim your body, but practice the habits now. I had to re-teach myself normal portion sizes and minimizing snacking 7 years of pregnancy and breastfeeding (I am a lucky one who loses weight breastfeeding). My metabolism has changed SIGNIFICANTLY since I was 27. Who’d have thunk it?
Anonymous says
*after 7 years. of course
Boston Legal Eagle says
I’m heavier now than before I got pregnant with DS1 (like, gone up 2-3 sizes heavier) and so I feel you on the being upset. I logically know that my body has done this amazing thing (twice!) of pregnancy and b-feeding, but it still feels disappointing to have all of the physical affects and with a body that no longer fits the societal “ideal.” I agree on the buying new clothes. I’ve gone a step further and donated all of my pre-kid clothes because they’ve served their purpose and there’s no point in keeping them in a closet with the unrealistic idea of ever wearing them again. Also agree on exercise for exercise’s sake, and to ignore the number on the scale. I definitely feel better after some exercise, even just a walk around the block, and have more energy for the rest of the day.
Anonymous says
You’ll have an easier pregnancy if you are active and feel good. Don’t worry about the scale, pick a couple of times to work out or be active – run with the stroller for a half hour on the weekend, morning yoga, evening workout video, weekend rock climbing date with DH, whatever your speed is. Something that strengthens your core is also good. FWIW, watching Bravo/old Friends episodes and speed walking/running on the treadmill for a half hour in the evening is my jam.
rosie says
Solidarity. At my first prenatal appt with #2 I was basically at my pre-delivery weight from my first pregnancy. Not sure if fertility treatments are likely for you or not (I know PCOS doesn’t necess mean you will need them), but that added a lot to my feeling of not having my weight under control because it wasn’t always comfortable or appealing to exercise while doing those. But yes, I just tell myself this is a season of life, I walk & do the exercise that feels good right now if any and try to eat healthy to the extent possible (I have nausea/aversions…).
OP says
I’m knee deep in fertility treatments. Solidarity. I just started up on metformin, dropped hormonal BC and am otherwise preparing to be a hot friggin mess from now until, well, who knows. I did lose a bunch of weight on metformin last time but I’ not sure the two were correlated.
Maybe getting a treadmill in the house is the right move. We definitely have the space. Toyed with Peleton (love spinning) but that’s a cost and commitment I’m not sure I’m able to make right now.
Thanks for all the feedback. I’m headed to get some new jeans tonight.
Anonymous says
There are some work arounds online if you like the Peloton experience with a less expensive bike
anon. says
If you’re still there – when this happened to me between pregnancies and I just couldn’t get back to my original pre-kid-1 weight, I liked the Old Navy Rockstar jeans with the elastic waist. They were life changing.
rosie says
I feel like this is just a season in my life where most of my clothes are from Old Navy.
Emily S. says
Yes, this, too, shall pass. Not that everything will go back to where it was before baby #1 (the number on the scale, your tummy, etc.) but it will be the new normal. If it helps to hear it, until I was sidelined with emergency surgery, I weighed less at a 1.5 years after baby 2 than I did before getting pregnant with baby 1. My body isn’t the same (even with Spanx) but I’m stronger than I was before pregnancy. I was really motivated to get stronger and fitter, not slimmer, and I think that goal, with measurable results with weight lifting, helped me move through post-partum changes when I wasn’t happy with the number on the scale or the way my clothes fit. And, yeah, buy some new clothes! Blame it on vanity sizing and the dryer shrinking your old clothes, just don’t feel bad about buying some new clothes that fit well and make you smile.
Coach Laura says
I’d suggest that you view the next 18 months as all about a healthy you and healthy baby. Eat really well – not with the idea to crash diet but to be healthy for you and babe. Do Weight Watchers if you want until you’re officially pregnant. Or do a healthy eating plan like South Beach Diet or Whole 30. MyFitnessPal app works great for me. If you’re like me, eating during pregnancy was all about getting good nutrition and not gaining too much weight so starting now is not a waste, even if you don’t end up loosing (much) weight. Glad that you are going to get some new clothes. Anything stretchy or comfy that you get now will be helpful during the first trimester when you outgrow regular wardrobe items.
Anonymous says
My husband got hit by a car while running this morning. It wasn’t going really fast (turning right, he was in the crosswalk), but he got knocked down and scraped up a bit. He’s also insanely busy at work right now and our one and three year old are A LOT. I just feel so bad for him, he says it really knocked him for a loop mentally, and I don’t know what I can do to help- any thoughts? Anyone else ever get hit like that?
Anonymous says
Support him in taking a couple days off!
So Anon says
This may seem counter intuitive, but I would encourage him to get back out running, preferably on that road if he can do so safely, as soon as his body is close to ready. In my experience, it is easy for these types of experiences to encourage someone to withdraw and have it turn into a “thing.” The sooner you confront the fear, the less likely it is to turn into a “thing.”
Anon says
I got hit like that.
He is going to be in SO MUCH PAIN tomorrow. Not today – tomorrow. Be prepared for that. Random things may hurt; I wasn’t able to hold a fork and knife for three weeks.
Anonymous says
How scary! I’m glad he wasn’t injured more seriously. Just like a car accident, sometimes it takes a day or two for all the soreness and injuries to make themselves known, so he might be worse later this week. Take the physical brunt of your kids as much as you can this week. Later, encourage him to prioritize physical therapy if he needs it. Not quite the same, but I was “doored” while biking, and I agree with So Anon that getting back out there sooner is better.
Blueberries says
Can you bring in extra help for the house/kids so he can take a little break without putting it all on you?
Anon says
My husband was hit by a car while biking. He had some bruises too but wasn’t any worse the next day (just to offer a different perspective). It also didn’t seem to affect him mentally much, although we didn’t have kids at the time. Hopefully his experience will be more like my husband’s!
Anonymous says
Oh my gosh! A very similar thing happened to me–I was walking on foot in the crosswalk (had the right of way) and got hit by an SUV driven by a 19-year-old. My biggest caution to you is beware of the driver’s insurance company trying to resist paying out. He doesn’t have his own driver’s insurance helping him out here since he was on foot. I signed all the medical record waivers and they told me they couldn’t do anything because they never heard back from my doctor’s record office. The statute of limitations passed at three years and I never saw a dime. Fortunately, I was not seriously injured and didn’t go to the hospital, but I lost several days of work and still take anxiety medication as a result.
Anonymous says
Thanks all! Really appreciate the comments and commiseration.
Anon says
What kinds of word combinations are expected around 18/19 months? My DD is almost 19 months and most of her talking is still single words although she is starting to say things like “hi mom” and “please cracker.” The ped seemed to think she should have two word sentences with a verb in them (like “mom come” or “dad go”) by now but she doesn’t. Actually i don’t think she really says any verbs at all? She says “eat” I guess, but that’s the only one I can think of. Is that bad? I did some quick internet searching and it seems like using verbs early is important to language development.
Anon says
My 2.25 year old does not use verbs or make two word sentences yet. It’s her only “delay” and so her doctor suggested waiting until her 2.5 YO appointment and if we still have no progress by then, we should make an appointment for an early intervention assessment. I feel like a lot of the kiddos on this board (at least the ones that are talked about) are super early and advanced talkers, so just wanted to provide a different experience.
anon says
so my twins are a bit behind yours – they are 16 months and at their 15 month appointment they didn’t really have any words yet (literally the next day one of them started and now has about 10 words) and the doc didn’t seem so concerned and said that by 18 months they should have some words, but she didn’t mention anything about sentences. i think with all of this stuff there is such a wide range of normal, though of course i am not an expert in child development.
Clementine says
2 word sentences and 20-50 words by 2.
Stop stressing! Model short sentences. Talk more to the kid. Keep an eye on it.
Anon says
The “milestone” for speech development is 2 words by age 2. I’ve never heard of them having to be 2 distinct kinds of words (i.e. – noun + verb), though. I would imagine that if she’s doing 2 words now (even 2 nouns), she’s likely on track to add verbs in by 2.
Anonymous says
My two year old didn’t combine 2 words until 25-26 months but the pediatrician wasn’t concerned because she had 200 plus words in her vocabulary, really so many I couldn’t count. The milestone is 2 words together by 2, but it can come a little later. The pediatrician said we could do early intervention at 27 months if necessary. Now she’s 2.5 and uses extremely complex sentences and will not stop talking. Like “I went to the playground and rode the carousel. We ate ice cream and watched the carousel”. So I DEFINITELY would not worry about this at 18 monthS
Knope says
I wouldn’t worry either – I am pretty sure my son was not using verbs at 18 months. He went from having like 4 words at 15 months to 100 at 18 months, but I don’t recall him combining them except to say “more [noun].” Now at 2.5 he is also using complex sentences like Anonymous above – “I want to go to the basement and play baseball with my bat,” “We not go outside because it’s raining,” etc. Kids develop on a spectrum!
Anonymous says
I’m the poster from a few weeks ago asking about paying the short-term nanny while we’re out of town. We met in the middle and are covering her part of the time while we’re away and she’s also looking for extra babysitting jobs while we’re out.
So now, what do we ask her to do while we’re gone? We usually don’t give her any housekeeping tasks other than just cleaning up after themselves as they go. I was thinking about asking her to just plan ahead for craft/activities, and perhaps thinking a bit about things we could do for our kid’s birthday party coming up next month. She graduated from an arts school so I think this is something she won’t hate doing.
Obviously some of the time we’re paying for her she won’t be really working and that’s fine, because we aren’t there so her primary responsibility of childcare is not applicable. But any other ideas for things that would be normal to ask her to do while we’re away?
anne-on says
Have her do a clothing/book/toy inventory – what sizes, colors of clothes do you have for each kid (do it by season and make a note of the condition). This will be SO helpful to ID gaps before the holidays so you can make up their wishlists.
I would also have her sort through/de-clutter/donate toys and books – anything missing pieces/broken gets trashed, but anything obviously too young can get donated. When I worked in a daycare in college we also used this time to deep clean the toys – ie – soak all the plastic ones in hot water with bleach, and wash (on delicate! and air dry!) the lovies. I’d also have her wash ALLL the kid bedding. You can wash most pillows btw and oh my do they get gross if you never have.
rosie says
I think it’s fine to ask her to come over to do things like laundry once and if you need plants watered, etc. (assuming that the commute isn’t terrible). But I wouldn’t worry about trying to get your money’s worth…part of the reason for paying her is to make sure that she’s still available to work for you after you get back, right?
So Anon says
A few weeks ago, the Ex (I refuse to claim him any longer) asked that I agree to reduce his monthly child support by 66% so that he can qualify for a mortgage to buy a house. The house is 45 minutes away from his kids. He sees the kids exactly 6% of the time. He may qualify to have his child support reduced. He quit-in-lieu-of-being-fired from his six figure education job and now has an hourly gig that pays 1/3 as much as his old job. New job is not making use of his master’s degree. He asked me to draft a side agreement to reduce his court-ordered child support because he does not want to go back to court. I said that I needed to think about all of this.
At our daughter’s birthday party on Saturday, he told me he is under contract to buy a house and asked whether we could talk. (So he moved forward assuming I would agree to all of this.) I told him that at our daughter’s party was not the time. So he called at 7:30 last night, as I’m putting the kids to bed. Later, I indicated that I could text but not talk. I said that I was not comfortable doing a side agreement. He pushed me to agree to the lower amount, to doing a side agreement and when I refused, then asked me how to go to court. I sent him the court’s website.
I am so frustrated with this guy, and I refuse to do the work for him so that he can do less to support his children. (I do not include his child support in my budget because he is so unreliable. It goes into an account for my kids.) Even though I do not think I have done anything wrong, I’m still nervous to go back to court. I have no idea what he will say or accuse me of (he has diagnosis that are indicative of his emotional instability). And I think that doing a side agreement to get around court-ordered child support is a very bad idea and would reflect very poorly on me as a member of the bar.
Anonymous says
I think you need to step back and look at this more rationally. You should not be entertaining any discussions like this with him. He should not be at your daughter’s party unless your custody agreement specifically says so. You need to not be talking with him like this. The ink is barely dry. “I’m not discussing this with you. Your lawyer has my lawyers contact info.”
Anon says
What does your lawyer say? I would refuse to communicate with him about this stuff except through lawyers. It doesn’t sound like paying an attorney is a financial hardship for you (which is the main reason people I know try to work stuff out w/o attorneys).
Anonanonanon says
Nope. Needs to be worked out in court. My ex does the same s*** (he once asked MY attorney to help him file to change child support…..) and my go-to line is “I think it’s best for our coparenting relationship that we only discuss parenting matters. Anything else needs to go through official channels “
Anonymous says
Remember, the attorney who represents herself has a fool for a client.
anon says
Silly question – we had a “no gifts, please” birthday party for our 5 year old. Guests respected the request and came without gifts or brought a nice card. Do we send them thank you notes to say thank you for coming? It feels weird not to send a thank you card.
Anon says
Nope. A thank you card is for a gift, don’t send a “thank you for coming” card.
Anonymous says
Absolutely not.
Different anon says
Agh, I totally dropped the ball on thank you cards for people who DID bring gifts to our “no gifts” party this summer. Should I still write those? It was for a 3 year old…
I feel like the reason i do “no gifts” is to remove this piece of stress for myself!
Anonymous says
When was the party?
Anon says
IMO, you’re less on the hook for a thank you note if it’s a no gifts party and they ignored your request. Either way, I agree gifts for children’s birthday parties are more optional than for, say, a wedding, where you don’t see the recipient open it.
Deema says
My guess is in OP’s case the giver didn’t see the kid open it, much like at a wedding. That’s how all kid bday parties I’ve been to have been handled.
Deema says
In response to OP and the commenters, just sharing that I don’t send handwritten thank-you notes for my kids’ birthday party gifts. /shrug. I will shoot the parent a thank you text or email when she opens it if I have their contact info handy.
Anyway, I don’t have people’s mailing addresses–how would I even go about sending a thank you card? Am I going to text these people to get their addresses just to send them a thank you card? Seems very overdone when we all understand that we’re all working and raising kids and have busy lives.
I also believe no thank you note is required if the kid opens the gift and thanks the giver in that moment — but just want to confirm this is a universal belief while we’re on the subject.
Anon2 says
Eh there is some gray area, but since you asked, we do thank you notes for kid gifts. It’s as much about instilling an awareness and spirit of gratitude in my children as it is about thanking another parent/kid, though (I don’t get angsty if we don’t receive them in return). This year after my son’s birthday (age 4) I talked with him about each gift and he dictated a couple sentences to me (I very minimally finessed them), then he signed his name and sealed the envelopes and put on the stamps. Yes it’s another “thing” to do, but for me it aligns with important values I want to impart, so we do it. And grandparents absolutely always get notes!
Deema says
How do you get/have everyone’s address?
Anon says
Not the person you’re replying too, but I think you can put them into cubbies at daycare, or for non-daycare friends just give them the next time you see them. How did you invite the kids to the party?
Anonymous says
You ask them.
Deema says
The invites went out by email, through Evite.
Anonymous says
So you email them and say “hey, what is your address, want to send a thank you note.” And then they respond.
Anonymous says
We hand-deliver thank you notes to neighbors or school friends if needed. For now, I mostly write “thank you for [gift]!” and have the kids color a picture and write their name, but I was raised that hand-written thank yous are obligatory for gifts and I can’t bring myself not to send them. We do no-gift parties as much because the thank you notes would stress me out as that I don’t need or want all the stuff in my house. 1st grader will have to write his own sentences this year and I can’t wait for those battles.
I typically do evites, no gifts, and send a group email to everyone who attended saying thank you for celebrating with us, kiddo had a great time with his/her friends.
Emily S. says
Same here. I bought thank you cards that are black and white drawings for the kids to color in and let her color them. She’s 4, so she loves to color more than write a thank-you card.
I also share thank you cards with her that we receive.
As for address, I try to catch the parent at drop off or pick up, or, if I have an email address, send them an email asking for mailing address.
Anonymous says
This. I have never sent or received a thank you card for a child’s birthday present. This might be a thing in some areas but it definitely isn’t in mine. I might pop the mom a thankyou text if we are friendly or a gift was particularly thoughtful.
NYCer says
Same. It isn’t a thing in my circle. Lots of texts with a pic using/wearing/playing with the gift, but rarely do we receive a formal thank you note.
Anonymous says
I mean there’s no Rude Police coming to get you but I’m not applauding you for it either.
Anon says
Yes, I text and ask for the address so we can mail a thank you card.
Travel anxiety says
Our daughter is 28 months and we’ve never gone on a vacation with her. Both sets of families live in town so we don’t have to travel and she was so hard for so long that it never felt woeth it, but now she is at a fantastic age and much more. Manageable or atkeast screen time and snacks and talking calmly can diffuse most sitjlutions.
Now we have a slightly easier little boy who is 15 weeks and we decided to be insane and book a stay for 3 nights at a really amazing family resort that is 3.5 hours drive from us.
My in laws are amazing and offer a ton of local help. they are also joining us on this trip. They’ve offered to have our daughter drive with them, sleep with them, babysit as much as needed etc.
I am still just freaking out about taking the baby, he is really pretty good at home and at the grandparents for napping and mood but I’m worried he can’t handle the car ride or we’ll have a disastrous night if he sleeps too much in the car. Any tips to manage? It’s not too late to cancel the trip but it is so depressing to think we can’t travel till he is also 2.
Anon says
It will be ok. Although I will say that 2-2.5 was pretty much peak travel difficulty for us, so if this trip is a disaster, I’d try again when your daughter is 3 and your son is closer to 1. Much more manageable ages, in my experience. Babies can’t be entertained by screens, but you can also throw them in a stroller or carrier and make them do what you want to do, in a way you can’t with toddlers, and 2 was by far the most tantrum-y age for us, although I know that isn’t universal.
Babies are generally really easy in cars. He will probably nap, although if you want to keep him awake you can certainly do that with toys and bottles. He’s too young to be upset that his surroundings are different, so he’ll probably sleep like a dream at the resort too.
Anonymous says
Omg stop worrying and just do it. It’s not far. It’s family friendly. You have tons of help. This is just anxiety.
Anon says
We took my admittedly terrible (colic) 3 month old DD on a 4 hour drive to a family-friendly resort near us for an anniversary trip (without extra help) and it was fine. Kiddo didn’t sleep any better or worse than usual. Awesome memory of kiddo having wake up DH with major spit up all over him in our bed after nursing the morning of our anniversary – but hey, hotels have housekeeping!
AnonLaywer says
Stupid first-time mom question here: how do you keep an infant warm in a carseat? I live in the Pacific Northwest, so we don’t have too many really frigid days, but I’m due in early December so I want to be prepared. I know puffy jackets aren’t safe because it creates slack in the carseat straps. But it sounds like fleece might be okay? What about a blanket tucked over the straps? Would that become a suffocation hazard if baby falls asleep?
I’ve seen carseat cover things that encase the whole carseat, but have wondered if those would be overkill in our climate.
Anon says
So maybe I’m a monster but I never used coats or blankets or anything in the car. I don’t wear a winter coat in the car myself, so I would just dress baby as I was dressed, plus a hat, and then run the car’s heat. Then put me in a coat and her in a blanket for the walk into whatever building we were going to. That said, I live in the Upper Midwest and had a January baby and didn’t take her out in cold weather much at all. If you’re not doing a daily daycare drop-off, there’s really no reason you have to take a baby out when it’s freezing. I think the carseat cover things would be overkill in the PNW.
Em says
My son was born in February and I always just threw a blanket over the carseat when we were going outside and then tucked in in around his lower half when we got into the car. I had one of those carseat covers and could never figure it out, so I just used blankets.
Clementine says
Some combo of fleeces, wrapping blankets over the kid in the carseat(s) and the ‘shower cap’ style covers that go over the infant seat but not between baby and carseat.
I’ll add that I particularly liked the ‘shower cap’ syle cover when there was any type of cold precipitation going on.
Anonymous says
Fleece onesie from Old Navy or REI with foot and hand covers built in. Add a shower cap style cover on particularly windy/snowy days.
Anon says
I used the carseat bunting (and then unzipped it in the car so she wouldn’t overheat). It was a hand me down, I think it was skip hop? My kiddo is hot-natured, and that plus the carseat kept her plenty toasty other than on the coldest days (in which case we zipped up the bunting).
Anonymous says
I had winter babies in the midAtlantic, so probably slightly colder than you, but not Arctic-levels. We usually just did normal clothes plus a hat and a blanket tucked over the straps.
SG says
the car seat lady blog has a video for this, https://thecarseatlady.com/warmandsafe/ i think that should link to it, or at least have a ton of ideas. I like her and car seats for the littles
ElisaR says
a lot of American cars have remote start…. not sure why all cars don’t (I know I know it’s bad for the environment but when I have a baby that goes out the door for a year or 2). I use the remote start in the winter so baby isn’t getting into a cold car and then I just place a blanket on top of baby on particularly frigid days.
Anon says
I don’t have remote start but I typically start the car about 5 minutes before I have to get into it on cold winter days.
Redux says
For those of you who ascribe to the general rule that “you can tell your partner what to do or how to do it but not both” (and opening the question as to whether this is a good rule), how do you handle when your partner has done a thing in a way that frustrates you?
E.g., when I do the laundry, I do it from start to finish including folding it and putting it away, all in the same day. If I cannot fold and put away a load in the same day, I will not start it. I don’t iron any clothes, so I don’t let the clean laundry sit in the dryer for more than a half hour to avoid wrinkles as much as possible. I am also sensitive to mildew smells so if a load is left in the washer it super grosses me out and I have to run it again. Plus, I really thrive on a sense of completion and the idea that my laundry takes a day and doesn’t becomes a perpetual task.
My DH is totally the opposite. He will put a load in the washing machine and leave it there overnight before moving it to the dryer. Loads in the dryer stay there until the next load needs to go in. He is also more than happy to use the dryer as an extra drawer, dipping into the dryer full of clean clothes to fish out the one item he needs, leaving the rest in there forever. This weekend I ran a load of wash and immediately went to move it to the dryer, only to find that there was already a (clean, dry) load sitting in the dryer from lord knows when. This was frustrating in the moment because I had an armload of drippy laundry in my arms when I made this discovery. Then I had to fold that laundry from the dryer before putting my wash in, all the while cursing my DH’s laundry habits.
Perhaps my approach to laundry is too rigid, and even getting my DH to take some initiative and take charge of laundry felt like a win. My question is less about LAUNDRY and more about shared tasks– when do you micromanage and when do you let it be?
Anon says
A couple things:
1) when you find laundry in the dryer that he did, don’t fold it and put it away. Dump in a laundry bin so the dryer is free for your load, and leave the clothes he was doing for him to put away. You’re incentivizing him not to do it, because if he doesn’t get around to it, you’ll do it.
2) I realize that clothes can get moldy if left in the washer, but you need to let go of the “I really thrive on a sense of completion and the idea that my laundry takes a day and doesn’t becomes a perpetual task.” His task, his choice how to do it, assuming he gets it done on time and correctly. I would not call it doing laundry correctly if clothes get mildewy, but spreading the task over two days is fine as long as it meets whatever deadline you’ve agreed on, and you need to let go of your own hangup about that.
3) Maybe laundry is not the task for you to split? DH and I each do our own (and I do toddler’s) so I don’t care what he does with his own clothes. Can he do other tasks where this issue doesn’t arise?
anne-on says
+1. Sounds like you need a yours/mine/baby approach to laundry. Do your laundry, he does his laundry, and laundry left in the dryer gets dumped on the bed or in a laundry basket for him to deal with as he chooses. Baby laundry and sheets/towels get negotiated as part of the ‘chores we allocate and share’ with the understanding that laundry= washing, drying, folding, putting away just as cooking a meal means that ingredients are put away after being used/cabinet doors are closed after being opened/etc. Doing a task means doing it to completion OR not making it someone else’s problem/interfering with their use of space/appliances/etc.
Anonanonanon says
Agree. I am your husband. I will go to the dryer for a pair of undergarments and leave the rest. However, I am not offended when my husband takes my stuff out and piles it on top of the dryer to put his in. If anything, I’m grateful that he did so without expressing his annoyance at me! That being said, my laundry is my laundry and his laundry is his laundry.
Redux says
So for those of you who do your “own” laundry, where does it leave the kids laundry, especially as they get older/ their clothes get bigger, more plentiful, grosser? Do the kids do their own laundry, too? I cannot fathom working out a system whereby 4 people have to negotiate one washer/dryer without thinking of the disaster that is every communal laundry room I’ve ever had to use in college and apartment-living. Plus, it seems super energy inefficient? (serious question, no snark intended!)
Anon says
Growing up in a household with three teenagers, my mom did her laundry and my dad’s together, then each of us kids did our own laundry once we were middle school aged, and it worked out the same way three teenage girls sharing a bathroom worked out – some tears, some sharing, but everyone survived.
Redux says
Yes, you are right, of course! I’ve always lived in a house that consolidated laundry– as a kid we gathered and sorted all the laundry together to make one large load of whites, one large load of darks, and one large load of colors. My mom stayed at home, though, and so had more flexibility about when to do the laundry. Still, I do the same as she did– all hampers together. I tend to prefer to do laundry on the weekend (so that I can finish it all in one day), but my DH prefers to do a little at a time throughout the week (as noted above). Obviously, different households do it differently!
Anon says
My kid is younger (2) and I only have one, I can see how this would not work in families with many kids. But I just do one load of my own and one load of kid laundry weekly, typically on weekend afternoons during kid naptime. Sometimes a third load of sheets and towels although usually I can fit those in with our clothing (and, full disclosure, I don’t wash our sheets every week). I don’t understand the comment about energy inefficiency. They are full to very full loads. A load of laundry in our machines takes about an hour and a half from start to finish, so finding time for both my husband and me to do our laundry has just never been an issue at all, even though we both do it pretty much exclusively on weekends.
Anonymous says
It’s not that hard if you can imagine any flexibility at all. I wash all my clothes together when I have a full load. Husband does same. I wash kid A and kid B. Husband does sheets and towels.
Emily S. says
I do mine and the kids bc I Kondo-fold/have sentimental attachment to my kids clothes and love putting outfits together and DH cannot tell the difference between day clothes and pjs. My laundry days (including my clothes, all bed sheets, and mine and kids towels) are Tuesdays and Thursdays. Kids laundry days are Tuesday and Friday (bc they bring daycare bedding home on Friday.) Tuesdays are big laundry days because I WFH. DH’s day is Wednesday.
Anonymous says
We have communal laundry and 3 kids under 6. My 3 and 6 year old help.
I do most of the actual washing and drying, then transfer it all to a giant pile on the guest bed, removing items that can’t get a little wrinkly (chino type pants, my shirts). I put DH’s polos on a hangar and leave them on the steamer where he will eventually get around to steaming them. the kids and DH do most of the folding (almost 6 y/o isna great folder, 3 y/ondoes towels and wash cloths and matches socks and if in a good mood will fold leggings etc). The kids put away their own laundry. I generally don’t fold the baby’s clothes very much and one of us (the girls, DH or me) will put away baby’s clothes. DH or the 6 y/o or I strip the beds. 3 y/o is in charge of pillow cases.
When the kids were smaller I did most of the laundry because I WFH’d and it was easy to keep it moving during the day. I gotta say, every once in a while I am reminded that my 6 year old is not a helpless infant and is in fact super useful. Even my 3 y/o is getting there. They complain, but they also empty the dishwasher.
rakma says
So, I’m your husband in this case. I’m not allowed to take out the garbage anymore, because I do not do it to my husband’s standard. The outcome of many “discussions” about my inability to adhere to those standards is that DH will happily and without complaint stop what he is doing (within reason) to come to the kitchen and take out the garbage, even though I am a perfectly capable adult who can put the garbage in the can (though apparently bag orientation matters? and they need to be distributed properly in the outside cans? Again, not my standards)
It really comes down to owning the whole task. I do not do garbage at all, he gets to set all of the standards.
We can share some tasks, like dishes, because we agree on the standards. But for the ones were there’s a gulf in the standards, the one with stronger feelings owns the whole task.
Emily S. says
I am also your husband here! My tendency in the past was to have long conversations about setting the chore standards until I was on the receiving end of a similar “conversation” about another household task,and suddenly understood one, no one likes to be micromanaged and two, those conversations were much more about how we communicate and our general household standards/baggage from childhood and what my own hang-ups were than about how to fold clothes. So I agree with everyone else who has said, own the task and let it go. It took (still takes) a lot of practice for me to let it go. Also, we do our own laundry, too, and if he leaves his clothes in the dryer, if I’m feeling nice I fold them, but if I have other things to do or just can’t be bothered, I pile them on top of his hamper. Finally, it seems like your DH doesn’t care about wrinkles, so he shouldn’t care that you pile up his clean clothes so you can have the dryer.
Redux says
OP here. This is really useful perspective, thank you both for sharing. I definitely sense my DH’s annoyance at my quibbling over how he does a task — one that I am actually happy he is doing! And yes, agree 100% on this being more about my own hangups/ childhood baggage/ communication than about actual laundry.
Anonymous says
Yah he’s not your staff. To me it’s a respect thing
Spirograph says
I think you can tell both what and how, just not for everything all the time. I micromanage things that I really care about. Laundry is one of my things, too. The result is, I do the laundry. Sometimes I will ask my husband to put in a load that I’ve already sorted, or switch to the dryer before he goes to bed, but I will be very specific about the instructions, including what setting to use. If he offers to help fold while we’re watching TV, I say, “yes, but you have to fold things my way!”
DH tackles tasks that he is particular about. I ask him to do things that are straightforward or only have one potential end result, like scheduling appointments or running the dishwasher (although, don’t get me started about how he loads it all weird), or where I don’t care as much about the result (eg, pack kid’s lunch. Might not be what I would have packed, but the important thing is that the kid has food, and the “wrong” thing is not in my face the way it is with laundry).
Anon2 says
I guess I generally subscribe to that philosophy, but two adults who love each other should be able to have a discussion about each other’s pain points and, I would expect, try to respect/avoid them. If you have myriad critiques of every task he does, that would be micromanaging and up to you to lower some standards, but if you have a couple of valid comments then he should, as much as he is able, accommodate you. Eg, I often do the dishes after dinner; my husband has remarked in the past that sometimes I don’t wipe down the counters and that bothers him, so now I wipe down the counters. But overall, if you are very particular about some tasks, you should own those (I do all the laundry for this reason, ha).
Deema says
“how do you handle when your partner has done a thing in a way that frustrates you?” In short, let it go. Your first sentence is right — you can either do it, or not do it. You don’t get to decide how it’s done by someone else (who isn’t your employee).
One solution that I’ve embraced is, see if you can outsource the tasks that (i) you don’t want to do and (ii) don’t like how your husband does, to a third party professional whom you can hold to your standards. There are laundry services. There are meal-delivery services. There are dog walking services. So if you don’t want to walk the dog and don’t think your husband does it frequently enough, pay a professional do to it exactly as often as you think is best.
Obviously, before you get to that step, you can try a conversation with your husband about the issues that are bothering you and see if he’s open to doing it your way. But if he isn’t, or can’t, it’s good to find a workaround.
Anonymous says
We try and organize tasks so we don’t bump into each other. I do all the laundry and I do it like your husband. I don’t mind doing a laundry related task most days of the week. My husband cleans up after dinner. He likes to have every dish in the dishwasher, counters wiped down, floor swiffered etc. We can’t both be doing a chore because we don’t do it compatibly. If there’s a situation where one of us does the others chore we put in a good faith effort to do it to their standards and they put in a good faith effort not to mind when it isn’t perfect.
Anonymous says
DH does his own laundry. I do kids/household/my laundry (he does all dishes so it evens out). I usually put on a load before bed, switch it to the dryer in the morning, fold in the evening. DH does his laundry on Sundays. If he needs to wash something in between, he just moves the washer stuff into the dryer, or the dryer stuff into a laundry basket. Multiple laundry baskets is key. He doesn’t fold because I’m picky about marie kondo folding.
FWIW – you’re pretty particular about your laundry, and he’s lax on the consideration side. You’re going to have to each give a little to figure out a system that works.
Anon says
I am your husband (except that I share your mildew preference and will frequently rewash loads I forget). DH copes by dumping whatever I left in the dryer on our spare bed (and wisely not saying a word about it). Every couple of weeks I do a massive folding session of the laundry mountain (I try for weekly, but life happens). We also split such that he does his, I do mine and the toddler’s together, and then I do the communal laundry (sheets, towels) because I’m particular about detergent and softener (free and clear; none, respectively). He likes all the tide plus febreeze and then uses bounce sheets on top and I cannot handle all the smells (and – like someone said above, he cannot handle me micromanaging the laundry). He will fold the communal laundry if asked, but I am not allowed to say anything about the way he folds (which is terrible, but folded is better than unfolded).